Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Jude: Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s wonderful to be here in New York City. Thank you! Alot of you may know me from my filmwork. Perhaps from the ( counts on his fingers) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 films Ihave coming out right now. But you know I actually started in the theatre. And hosting this show reminds me of that time in my life. When everyone would work very long hours, stay up nights rehearsing until everything was just right. Because we loved it so much. I remember my first opening night in a reperatory theatre. I was playing Happy in “Death of a Salesman,” at the West Yorkshire Playhouse in Leagues. I went to the theatre very early that night. I remember sitting in my tiny dressing room, with a bare lightbulb hanging from the ceiling, and even though it smelled like cigarettes and stale beer I had never been happier. As I was putting on my makeup, I looked in the mirror- I can remember thi so clearly- I looked in the mirror, and I thought “I am so good looking.” I mean look at this face. This face does not belong in a crappy little theatre in Leagues. (is handed a microphone). Honestly. [sings] “I took one look in the mirror, and I could clearly see that there was one perfect thing in it, and that thing was me.” You know people think it’s easy going through life looking like this. It is. It’s easy. [sings] “I don’t need to really act, I don’t need a big heart, I don’t need to be nice, I don’t need to be smart.” I am, that’s just a bonus. Ladies.
(Rachel, Tina, Amy, and Maya enter onstage.)
Girls: [singing]“He’s the most beautiful man we ever saw. In some states that smile’s against the law.”
Rachel: I want to be against the law – Jude Law, that is.
Girls: [singing]“We don’t meant to be crude, but when we’re in the mood, the one man we think of is Jude.”
Rachel: Thinking of Jude.
Tina: Totally nude.
Rachel: About to be screw-
Jude: Alright. [sings]“I’ve made women swoon, and Matt Damon cry, made Nicole Kidman melt when she gazed in my eyes. My looks don’t fit the common belief, that Englishmen have big ears and, bad teeth.”
Girls [singing] “He’s the most beautiful man in the world.”
Jude: You know when you’re this good looking people think you’re gay. I’m just English. I’m so good looking I don’t even need to be funny to make people laugh. Watch this. Tina?
Tina: What is it, Jude?
Jude: What’s that over there? (points offstage)
(Tina looks then looks back at Jude)
Jude: Made you look.
Tina: Ha ha ha ha ha ha, good one!
Jude: See what I mean?
Tina: That is so funny, and I’m a professional comedian.
Jude: It’s so easy. No one even ever corrects me. Everyone, tonight’s musical guest, Jessica Simpson!
Ashlee: (comes onstage) Actually it’s- you can call me Jessica.
Jude: Maya? Maya, have you met Jessica?
Maya: (Shakes Ashlee’s hand) Hi Jessica.
Ashlee: Actually it’s Ashlee.
Jude: Ashlee?
Ashlee: Ashlee, yeah.
Jude: Oh, I’m so sorry.
Maya: Oh, it’s okay.
Ashlee: It’s totally okay.
(Ashlee, Maya, and Amy all talk at the same time. It’s hard to tell what each one is saying.)
Amy: I love you!
Jude: [sings] “I’m just a regular guy.”
Girls: [singing] “No you’re more than okay.”
Maya: [singing] “I’d like to get to know you in a big way.”
Girls: [singing]“We don’t mean to be rude, but we can conclude, that we’re in the mood for a man named, (start to make a circle around Jude) na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, Hey Jude!”
Jude: [sings] “Jude, Jude, Jude, Jude, Jude, Wow!” (girls still singing in the background) Thank you very much. ASHLEE Simpson is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.
(fade away with girls still singing and circling around Jude)
Paris Hilton…Maya Rudolph Nicky Hilton…Jude Law Nicole Richie…Rachel Dratch
Paris: Hi, I’m Paris Hilton and this is my sister Nicky.
[Nicky turns around]
Nicky: Hi. I like your outfit, Paris, it’s hot.
Paris: Thanks. I like yours too. It’s hot.
Nicky: Thanks.
Paris: But you know what’s not hot? The “n” word.
Nicky: You’re right. It’s not hot.
Paris: No it’s not. But you know what is hot? Saying you’re sorry.
Nicole: Paris! Paris!
Paris: Hey Nicole.
Nicole: Look! I found this in my car.
[Dangles a tree shaped car freshener]
Nicky: Well that’s hot.
Nicole: It smells like coconut. Should I eat it?
Paris: Nicole, that’s air freshener.
Nicole: I’m just gonna eat it. [She leaves]
Paris: Where were we? Oh yeah I was apologizing for using the “n” word.
Nicky: You guys, Paris is a lot of things. A dog owner, a semi professional porn star. She can burp her own name.
Paris: [Burping] Paris.
[They both giggle, do a high five and suddenly become serious]
Nicky: That’s hot…But she is not racist. Racist is so not hot.
Paris: No, I agree. It doesn’t get any less hotter than racism…Hey are you still married?
Nicky: No.
Paris: That’s hot….So to prove to you that I am not a racist, therefore hot, here’s a list of black guys I think are hot and I would totally have sex with, or might have already had sex with.
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Shaq…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Usher…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Wayne Brady…
Nicky: Really hot.
Paris: Arsenio …
Nicky: So hot!
Paris: Steve Harvey…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: George Hamilton…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Hootie…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Bernie Mac…
Nicky: Mmmm…not so hot.
Paris: The Ohio Players…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Ronnie…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Bobby…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Ricky…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: and Mike…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Arch Bishop Dime Magic Wand…
Nicky: So totally hot.
Paris: ‘Lil Romeo…
Nicky: Kind of hot.
Paris: And maybe, if I was really drunk…Webster.
Nicky: Oh, Webster’s hot.
Paris: He’s really small! So forget I said the “n” word and next time you think i’m a racist, picture me doing it with a black guy. Thanks!
Nicky: Stay hot!
Announcer: This has been an apology from Paris Hilton.
Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond Ed Gillespie…..Seth Meyers Mary Beth Cahill…..Amy Poehler Zell Miller…..Will Forte
Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball” I’m Chris Matthews. ….. handling him like Kobe Bryant backstage at the Teen Choice Awards. Has President Bush lost his momentum, and will Kerry capitalize? Here to discuss is chairman of the Republican National Committee, a man who never stops smiling, ever. Ed Gillespie.
Ed Gillespie: [smiling strangely] Chris, thank you so much for having me. You guys are doing a wonderful job here. I gotta say –
Chris Matthews: – Nope! Also joining us, Kerry campaign manager, Mary Beth Cahill.
Mary Beth Cahill: [eyes sticking out] Great to be here, Chris.
Chris Matthews: Good god, Cahill. I haven’t seen eyes like that since Jim Henson glued ’em to a sock. Ed Gillespie, let’s start with you. How does Bush plan to rebound from his lackluster performance in these debates?
Ed Gillespie: Simple, Chris. By staying on message. And that message is that George Bush is the only candidate who can win the war on terror. I don’t know if you’ve seen our new ad, but terrorist are like wolves. I think people want a president, like George Bush, who will strip himself to the waste, run full speed into the forest, and kill the wolves with his bare hands. Sure, John Kerry like to play dress up in camouflage and shoot geese, but while he’s out hunting geese, there’s a wolf in your house, eating your baby.
Chris Matthews: That’s a pretty impressive fear mongering, Gillespie. Between the war mongering in Iraq and the fear mongering here at home, how muchmongering do you have left? Ha! Mary Beth Cahill, John Kerry has taken some eatin the past week from mentioning the vice-president’s daughter’s a lesbian. Will that remark end up hurting Kerry come November 2nd?
Mary Beth Cahill: Chris, Mary Cheney is an outspoken lesbian. So as far as we’re concerned, she’s fair game. We shouldn’t have to tiptoe around that fact anymore than we should tiptoe around the fact that her father, Dick Cheney, is slightly overweight. We’re not telling anyone anything they don’t already know. Mary Cheney is a hardcore carpet cleaner. … And her dad is a big ol’ fatty boombalatty.
Chris Matthews: Good god. Ed Gillespie, recent polls show Senator Kerry is gaining as much as 11 points over the coarse of the last month. Are youconcerned?
Ed Gillespie: Golly, Chris. I don’t know what polls you’re looking at. According to everyone I’ve talked to at the Republican National Committee, Bush is going to win anywhere from 97 to 100% of the popular vote. I’m not trying to spin you there, Chris. It’s going really good.
Chris Matthews: You gotta be kidding me, Gillespie. You’re spinning harder than George Bush’s college dorm room after nicke-de-bel-bleh-[mumbling] beer night! Mary Beth Cahill, how are the polls effecting John Kerry now that we’re approaching the home stretch?
Mary Beth Cahill: Chris, we don’t run our campaign according to the latest polls, we prefer to stick to the issues that affect the American people. Issues like the fact that our vice-president’s daughter is a stone-cold lesbone. Or that she may, from time to time, take a vacation diving for muff off the coast of “dyke”-achusetts. Or that she wakes up early in the morning, looks over at her life partner, and lovingly says “time to bang the donut!”
[Cahill stares at camera with wide open eyes, Chris looks confused]
Chris Matthews: Correct me if I’m wrong, but we’re still talking about apresidential election right?
Mary Beth Cahill: I’m not sure anymore, Chris.
Chris Matthews: Joining us now is someone who might be able to shed some light on how Bush can regain some of that post-convention momentum. Key note speaker at the Republican National Convention and a guy who would have chilled the crowd at the Nuremberg rallies, democratic senator, Zell Miller.
Zell Miller: [shouting hysterically] It’s good to be here, Chris!!!
Chris Matthews: Senator Miller, some have said that your appearance at the convention may have backfired for the president, saying you came off as angry. How do you respond to that?
Zell Miller: You know what makes me angry, Chris?!! Sadaam Hussein!!! Osama Bin Laden makes me angry!!! John Kerry makes me angry with his $200 haircuts, his fancy ketchup wife, and his Ben Frank-o’s!!! I don’t want my president to be some liberal senator from Massachusetts. I want a president who protects my family with big old bombs and airplanes and spaceships!!! John Kerry wants to give our soldiers spitballs Chris!!! SPITBALLS!!!
Chris Matthews: You don’t seriously believe that, Senator Miller?
Zell Miller: What’d you say to me, boy?!!
Chris Matthews: I said you can’t honestly suggest that Senator Kerry would arm our troops with spitballs?
Zell Miller: It was a metaphor, Chris!!! I’ll tell you what, I wish we was in the days where you could still challenge a man to a duel!!! I’d come down there and slap the yellow off of that head of yours!!!
Chris Matthews: All right. Before Zell Miller gets down here and murders me, final thoughts. Smiley?
[Gillespie smiling excitedly]
Ed Gillespie: Just polled myself. Looks like 100% of me is going to vote for Bush.
Chris Matthews: No kidding. Googly eyes?
[Cahill stares around with eyes wide open]
Mary Beth Cahill: All this talk about polls, you know whose never been poled in her life?? Mary Cheney!
Chris Matthews: Yico rooney. Yosemite Sam?
[Miller pulls out two shotguns]
Zell Miller: The pistols and I, Matthews!!! You and me!!! 20 paces!! YOU’RE A DEAD MAN!!!
Chris Matthews: When we come back, Senator Miller is going to try to shoot me, and we’ll see if Mary Beth Cahill’s eyes pop out of her head, but first … “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
(Dissolve from a Jude Law still photo to a still shot of the New York skyline with the words: Promotional Services Furnished by Columbia Pictures to Jude Law hugging Ashlee Simpson shortly after her second song turned into disaster)
Jude Law: What can I say, it’s live TV.
Ashlee Simpson: Exactly, I feel so bad, my band started playing the wrong song, and I didn’t know what to do, so I thought I’d do a hoe-down. I’m sorry!
(Jude Law simulates Ashlee Simpson’s pose, as though implying she’s full of it)
Jude Law: Ashlee Simpson!
Ashlee Simpson: I didn’t mean for it to happen.
Jude Law: The cast! Everybody here! Go see “Alfie”! It opens November 30th. Thank you!
[Opens with the trendy inventor with gray hair in a lab. He has a strong English accent.]
James Dyson: Hello there. I’m James Dyson. Inventor of the Dyson Vacuum….the first vacuum that doesn’t use suction.
[Cut to the yellow vacuum with a transparent, plastic, dust bag. Signature is written beside the toilet. James Dyson]
And now I’ve applied the same technology to another household necessity, the common toilet. You see, I was visiting a friend one weekend and after taking a particularly difficult Sunday-morning squat on what I thought was a pretty good commode,…
[Cut to James, pants around his ankles, taking a dump]
I was amazed by the lousy suction.
[Cut to James flushing, he is intrigued by the flush]
I realized there must be something terribly wrong with this design.
[Cut to James wearing protection glasses with his face in the toilet bowl making an examination]
I took the toilet apart and discovered the problem.
[James puts his hand deep in the toilet bowl]
A small amount of my discard was hopelessly clogged.
[James back in the lab]
So I decided to design something better. And a few thousand prototypes later I had it….the Dyson Toilet.
[The toilet is exactly like the vacuum but with a toilet bowl attached to it]
The first toilet that doesn’t use suction.
[Cut to James with his face next to the toilet bowl holding a pan filled with ravioli]
Just look at how it handles this massive load of pumpkin ravioli.
[James deposits the raviolis in the toilet bowl. A hard flush takes the raviolis into the transparent dust bag. Its a mess of water, meat, pasta, tomato sauce all smeared in the see-through bag.]
And those ravioli were quite dense. It’s brilliant, isn’t it?
The Dyson Toilet….the first toilet that doesn’t require plunging.
[A last look at the Dyson Toilet.]
[Signature: James Dyson.]
[fade]
Peter O’Toole…..Jude Law Michael Caine…..Seth Meyers Brett…..Rob Riggle Employee…..Rachel Dratch Gary…..Kenan Thompson
[Title graphic appears as announcer speaks.]
Announcer: And now it is time once again for “The Adventures of PeterO’Toole and Michael Caine.”
[A fast food restaurant, night. A drunken Peter O’Toole and an equallydrunken Michael Caine enter in tuxedos, carrying martinis. Peter alsocarries a cigarette in a holder.]
Peter O’Toole: Hello!
Michael Caine: Hello!
Peter O’Toole: Hello!
Michael Caine: Hello!
Peter O’Toole: Hello, everyone!
Michael Caine: How are you, then?
Peter O’Toole: Hello!
Michael Caine: Good to see you!
Peter O’Toole: Hello!
Michael Caine: Coming through!
Peter O’Toole: Coming through! Hello!
Michael Caine: Hello!
Peter O’Toole: Hello, everyone!
Michael Caine: Hello!
Peter O’Toole: Michael, I have one question for you: Where in God’s name are we?
Michael Caine: Well, let’s figure it out: a group of people…a TacoBell/Pizza Hut Express sign…and we’re wearing tuxedos. We must behosting a talk show.
Peter O’Toole: Excellent!
[They sit at a table and address the camera.]
Michael Caine: Hello, I’m Michael Caine.
Peter O’Toole: And I’m Peter O’Toole.
Michael Caine: And you’re watching “An Evening with Peter andMichael.” Please enjoy our combined 200 years of acting excellence.
Peter O’Toole: This man has been in over 300 films: “Hannah and Her Sisters”…
Michael Caine: Yes.
Peter O’Toole: …”Ipcress File”…
Michael Caine: Yes.
Peter O’Toole: …”Star Wars”…
Michael Caine: No.
Peter O’Toole: …”Garfield”…
Michael Caine: No.
Peter O’Toole: …”The Jigsaw Man”…
Michael Caine: Yes.
Peter O’Toole: …Sir Penny Marshall’s “A League of Their Own”…
Michael Caine: Absolutely not.
Peter O’Toole: …and the first season of “NYPD Blue.”
Michael Caine: David Caruso.
Peter O’Toole: And I have been told by many people that I am still making films.
[A customer at the next table gets up and walks behind Peter and Michael.]
Brett: Hey, can I grab a napkin there, Chief?
Peter O’Toole: Oh, wonderful, we have a caller! What is your name,and where are you from?
Brett: My name’s Brett, I’m from, uh…I’m from behind you. Look, I’mjust going to grab one of these napkins. [He does so and returns tohis table.]
Peter O’Toole: Thank you for your call! And remember, everyone, thenumber is 8…1…3…hundred…6.
Michael Caine: We would now like to pause for a word from our sponsor.
[Twelve-second pause. Peter smokes, Michael drinks.]
Michael Caine: Thank you, Walker’s Crisps!
Peter O’Toole: Britain’s best crisps since 1455…7…2.
Michael Caine: It is now time for a segment on our show we like tocall “Guess the Accents.”
Peter O’Toole: [clears throat, then speaks in his normal voice]”Hello, sir, I am here about the telegram.”
Michael Caine: Italian.
Peter O’Toole: Correct.
Michael Caine: [speaks in his normal voice] “Hey, you. You over there.I’m talking to you. I’m going to tell you something about how to treata woman.”
Peter O’Toole: German.
Michael Caine: Correct.
[An employee approaches the table.]
Employee: Do you guys need me to call someone for you?
Michael Caine: You’re in the shot, love.
[She leaves.]
Peter O’Toole: Michael, I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that we arenot hosting a talk show.
Michael Caine: I think you’re right. We must be teaching an acting workshop.
[They stand.]
Peter O’Toole: The key to acting is knowing what your character wants.
[Gary, a customer, walks by with a tray of food.]
Peter O’Toole: Othello!
Michael Caine: Hey!
Gary: Yo, dude, my name is not Othello.
Peter O’Toole: It was Wolverhampton Rep, the year was 1973. I playedIago, and you were marvelous!
Gary: Look, crazy dudes, I just want to eat my chicken soft taco in peace.
Michael Caine: You’ve told me what you want, but now make me believe it!
Gary: [frustrated] LEAVE ME ALONE!
Michael Caine: Now you are an actor.
[Michael and Peter put their drinks down and applaud Gary. They allsit down. The employee returns.]
Employee: Excuse me, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
Peter O’Toole: Dear lady, where the hell are we?
Employee: At a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut Express.
Michael Caine: In that case, I would like a chalupa.
Peter O’Toole: And I would like your finest Gin Lover’s Pizza.
Employee: We don’t…we don’t have any gin.
[Peter and Michael stand.]
Michael Caine: That’s all the time we have.
Peter O’Toole: We’d like to thank our sponsors, Walker’s Crisps and the planet Mercury.
b>Michael Caine: Can anyone here direct us to the nearest gentlemen’s club?
[Gary stands.]
Gary: Uh, actually, uh…I know I’m going to regret this, but I’m headed to one right now.
b>Peter O’Toole: Othello!
Gary: Look, man, my name is Gary, you know what I’m saying? But wegotta get going, because after ten o’clock it’s a twenty dollar cover.
Peter O’Toole: Twenty dollars? Then we’d best hurry, for we arewithout money and have been so for ages! Exeunt!
[Peter moves toward the door, as Michael picks up a napkin dispenserand puts his hand on Gary’s shoulder]
Michael Caine: So, is this your first time in Kingsbridge?
Gary: Uh…dude, you’re in Detroit.
Michael Caine: That’s what you get for letting O’Toole drive.
[Michael staggers off as the title graphic reappears.]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 30: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 23rd, 2004 Jude Law Ashlee Simpson None None HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) discusses the Kerry campaign with smiling Ed Gillespie (Seth Meyers) and hothead Zell Miller (Will Forte). Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Zell Miller. Transcript
Montage
Jude Law’s MonologueSummary: Female cast members fawn over Jude Law with a song. Bio: Jude Law (1972-). Actor; named for the Beatles song “Hey Jude”; among the six films he appeared in this year are “Alfie”, “I ♥ Huckabees”, and “Closer”. Transcript
Green ScreenSummary: In a parody of “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow”, an actor (Jude Law) struggles with the task of performing an entire movie in front of a green screen.
Dyson ToiletSummary: The only toilet with enough vacuum power to flush down ravioli. Note: This commercial parody was cut from the last episode’s dress rehearsal. Transcript
The Presidential DebatesSummary: Now in their ninth debate, President George W. Bush (Will Forte) and John Kerry (Seth Meyers) repeat the themes they’ve already covered in previous debates. Recurring Characters: Jim Lehrer, President George W. Bush, John Kerry.
Paris Hilton ApologizesSummary: Paris Hilton (Maya Rudolph) and sister Nicky (Jude Law) apologize for their recent use of the N-word. Recurring Characters: Paris Hilton. Transcript
Ashlee Simpson performs “Pieces Of Me”Bio: Ashlee Simpson (1984-). Singer/actress; younger sister of pop star Jessica Simpson; appeared regularly on “7th Heaven”.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: The Ghost of Babe Ruth (Horatio Sanz) and his hooker (Rachel Dratch) comment on the Red Sox curse. Recurring Characters: Babe Ruth. Transcript
Bush and BlairSummary: President Bush (Will Forte) and Prime Minister Tony Blair (Jude Law) hold a press conference. Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Tony Blair.
“The Apprentice” PromoSummary: Dracula-garbed Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) records a promo for “The Apprentice.” Recurring Characters: Donald Trump. Transcript
Jane EyreSummary: Classic literature comes to life as Jane Eyre (Rachel Dratch) watches helplessly as her employer, Mr. Rochester (Jude Law), sneaks off to the attic for sex. Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of last season’s Colin Firth episode.
Ashlee Simpson attempts to perform “Autobiography”Note: Oops! Ashlee Simpson is caught red-handed for lip-synching when her earlier recorded performance is accidentally replayed. Flustered, she performs a “hoedown” before getting the hell off the stage as quickly as she can.
Bear CitySummary: The adventures of a post-meteor Earth populated by bears is documented this week by an automobile collision involving two bear drivers.
The Adventures of Peter OToole & Michael CaineSummary: Peter OToole (Jude Law) and Michael Caine (Seth Meyers) will have a drink together anywhere — even if they’re not quite sure where it is they’re at. Recurring Characters: Michael Caine, Peter O’Toole. Transcript
Bear CitySummary: When a bear is caught mimicking his boss, he’s promptly fired.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts GreyhoundSummary: First-time bus riders (Jude Law, Amy Poehler) deal with crazy people during a layover.
TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s cartoon, President Bush invents a de-gaying machine, which he haphazardly demonstrates on celebrities. Note: This cartoon will later air in the episode hosted by Luke Wilson.
Cool PoliceSummary: Members of the Cool Police (Jude Law, Fred Armisen, Amy Poehler) legally dictate what’s cool and what’s not.
Merv the PervSummary: Merv (Chris Parnell) and his cousin (Jude Law) hit on women at the office Halloween party. Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv. Note: This sketch will later air as a Christmas party on the episode hosted by Colin Farrell.
Head Scientist…..Chris Parnell Dave “Zinger” Clinger…..Seth Myers Sheila “Snaps” Alsnape…..Queen Latifah Scientist 1 (Roz)…..Rachel Dratch
Head Scientist: Okay, everyone, listen up. We’ve got a code blue irrigation malfunction in reactor four. As of now, it has been contained, but we are risking a full-scale meltdown in the next five minutes if we don’t locate the leak.
Dave “Zinger” Clinger: Bad news, I couldn’t locate the leak, but I did locate the geek. You just got zinged. (Mimed shooting “zing” guns.) Zing!
Head Scientist: I think you all know Dr. Dave Clinger, otherwise know as Dr. Dave Zinger.
Zinger: Clinger’s my name and Zinging is my game. Seriously, though, let’s find some hazardous material. Speaking of which, if that cologne was any more toxic, all our kids are going to be born retarded. Huge zing! Can you hold that for me? (Mimes handing the head scientist a board, punches it karate-style and bows.) Zing!
Head Scientist: Please listen. If this radiation leak is not contained, everyone in a fifty-mile radius will experience their hair falling out, teeth falling out, skin blistering.
Sheila “Snaps” Alsnape: Let me see if I’ve got this right: hair falling out, teeth falling out, and skin blistering. Were you talking about the meltdown, or were you describing your girlfriend? Oh, snap!
Head Scientist: Allow me to introduce the final member of our team, Dr. Sheila Alsnape.
Snaps: My friends call me Sheila Al-snap on account of my snaps.
Zinger: Hello, Snaps.
Snaps: Hello, Zinger.
Head Scientist: Do you two know each other?
Zinger: Snaps and I went to school together – nuclear school. I finished at the top of the class. She finished on top of the class. (Mimes marching band with “zing” cymbals.)
Snaps: Yeah, yeah right. Good one, Zinger. Look, we should just get to work. Okay?
Head Scientist: My goodness, Zinger, you’re completely irradiated.
Snaps: Oh, hold on, false alarm. This was my virgin detector. (Mimes snapping a huge rubber band.) Aah, snap!
Zinger: What can I say, Snaps, you still got it. And by it, I mean hair on your butt. (Mimes guitar playing “Wild Zing.”)
Head Scientist: Yeah. We got it. Wild Zing.
Snaps: At least I got hair, Zinger. You’re so hairless Michael Jackson still invites you to sleepovers. Ooh, that one was so good I got to start my Snap Mobile! (Mimes a hard start of her snap mobile.)
Head Scientist: Doctors, please! The core reactor temperature is redlining. There isn’t time. That’s why I respectfully request that you hold a best three-out-of-five zing-slash-snap-off to determine a champion.
Zinger: He’s right. He’s right. We need to do something. If we don’t this radiation will spread faster than your thighs at a frat party. Zing pong anyone? (Zinger and Snaps mime playing pingpong.) Yeah! Game! Set! Match! Zing!
Snaps: Alright, look Zings, let’s just finish this fast. And from what I hear, nobody finishes faster than you. Aah! Mousetrap. (Miming setting a mouse trap) Cheese. Mouse, mouse, mouse. Aah, snap!
Scientist 1: Doctors I’m getting an alarmingly high Geiger reading of 120.
Head Scientist: Will you shut up, Roz! Can’t you see the zing-off is tied one-to-one!
Snaps: Hey Zinger, she’s getting a 120. Isn’t that what you got on your SAT’s? Oh, baby, it’s cold outside. Put on a coat. (Mimes putting a coat on Zinger and then snapping it.)
Zinger: SATs, hunh, well the only SAT’s I know about, listen to this one, Roz, you’re going to like it. The only SATs I know about is when your mama S-A-T on my F-A-C-E.
Snaps: (Punches Zinger in the face.) Don’t you ever talk about my mama.
Zinger: That was not cool on my part! I was way out of line! I am sorry! I am sorry! But to be fair, we were just joking around.
Head Scientist: Okay everybody, cool out. Now we’ll get to the meltdown in a minute. But first, I need to know where you two stand.
Zinger: Are we cool?
Snaps: Yeah, we’re cool.
Zinger: Alright, so we can call it a tie?
Snaps: Yeah, it’s a tie. Your face is exactly as ugly as your ass!
Zinger: No!
Snaps: Aah snap!
Zinger: No! That is not fair! I should have done something!
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
Tina Fey: Hi I’m Tina Fey
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories.
Tina Fey: Last night in St. Louis, President Bush and Senator Kerry squared off in the second of three presidential debates. This time, the candidates took questions directly from the audience, and then said whatever the hell they were going to say anyway.
Amy Poehler: After being criticized for sulking and grimacing from the first debate, last night, President Bush employed a much subtler way to express his distaste for some of Kerry’s comments: Morse code. (clip of Bush blinking rapidly)
Amy, voice-over: Beep, beep, beep beep! Carl Rowe, Carl Rowe, get me out of here!
Tina Fey: President bush did however show that if he loses the election he can always go back to being a law professor.
(clip from debate)
Bush: The Constitution Of the United States says we’re all–you know–it-it doesn’t say that.
(back to weekend update desk)
Tina Fey: In one of the strongest attacks of the night, John Kerry ridiculed the President’s Environmental Clear Skies Initiative.
(cut to clip of debate)
Kerry: The Clear Skies bill that he talked about, it’s just one of those Orwellian names you pull out of the sky, slap in on to something like No Child Left Behind, but you leave millions of children–
(cut back to Tina)
Tina Fey: No, no, no, John. You lost us at “Orwellian”.
Amy Poehler: Kerry further separated himself from the audience by later mentioning that he, President Bush, and Moderator Charlie Gibson were the only people in the room rich enough to benefit from a Bush tax cut, prompting this (photo of woman) woman to jump out of the audience and yell, “Bitch, you don’t know my Life!”And that concludes our Presidential Debate Roundup.
Tina Fey: When Martha Stewart reported to prison yesterday, she was subjected to an invasive strip search, that included a squat-and-cough (audience laughs) during which she laid two perfect blue speckled eggs.
Amy Poehler: And here now, live, via satellite from day two of her prison term, is Martha Stewart.
(applause)
Martha Stewart: (monotone voice) Hello Amy, How are you?
Amy Poehler: Uh, I’m fine Martha, how are you? What’s it like down there at Camp Cupcake?
Martha Stewart: Amy, I have to be honest. It. Is. Awesome. I’ve made more friends in the past twenty four hours in prison, than I did in all my life.
(Prisoner enters and peers at camera while smoking cigarette)
Amy Poehler: Martha, Martha, who is that behind you?
Martha Stewart: Oh, Amy, that’s my cell mate, Kenyatta Williams, who goes by the name “Death Giver.”
Amy Poehler: Did you get a prison name, Martha?
Martha Stewart: Yes, I have several.
Kenyatta: Yo, the girls call her Martha, but I call her Blair, portly because of the “Blair Witch Project” and portly because she all fancy, like Blair from Facts Of Life. (hugs her head)
Tina Fey: Martha, Martha, is that a teardrop tattoo on your face?
Martha Stewart: Yes, Tina, it is a teardrop tattoo. It’s a very funny story. I woke up this morning to find that it had been burned on to my skin overnight, thereby initiating me into the prison gang.
Amy Poehler: You know, Tina, I thought prison gang initiation required killing someone.
Martha Stewart: Yes. (audience laughter)
Kenyatta: Yeah, now ain’t nobody gonna stort with Martha, cross my hort!
(Kenyatta keeps on hugging her)
Martha Stewart: (chuckles) I haven’t had this much human contact since I was an infant.
Amy Poehler: Wow. Martha Stewart and Death Giver, everybody. We’ll see you in five months, Martha.
(applause)
Tina Fey: A CBS news poll of the vice presidential debate feels that 51% feel that John Edwards won, 28% felt that Dick Cheny won, and the remaining 21% feel that the black lady won. (graphic: Gwen Ifill)Jennifer Aniston and Helen Hunt have taped public service announcements urging single women to vote. In a Weekend Update exclusive, we have obtained scripts to these spots.
Amy Poehler: “Hi, I’m Jennifer Aniston.”
Tina Fey: “And I’m Academy Award-winner Helen Hunt.”
Amy Poehler: “And we are here to remind you single women to not leave to voting booth as empty as your womb.”
Tina Fey: “Even if you are currently alone, there is one box you can stuff– the ballot box.”
Amy Poehler: “So remember ladies: Vote or die – alone.” (putting down scripts) That went great.
Tina Fey: Yeah.
Amy Poehler: One of the topics discussed during the debate was Afghanistan’s first free election, which was held today. As expected, The winner by a landslide was chaos. Utter chaos.
Britney Spears is recording a rap song about the recent controversies in her life. “I can’t wait to hear that!” said no one.
Tina Fey: Howard Stern announced Wednesday that when his contract is up in 15 months that he will join Sirius satellite radio in a deal reportedly worth a hundred million dollars. Now the question is: Will Americans pay $13 a month to hear a bunch of guys throw bologna at a stripper’s ass? (looks offstage) What’s that? Yes, they will.
Amy Poehler: The New York Times reported this week that citizens of Denmark have begun to challenge the country’s strict law on personal names. A law that allows the government to veto any name a parent chooses for their child. Here to comment, our own Finesse Mitchell.
Finesse Mitchell: Hey… how’s it goin’? Thank you, Amy, thank you. Citizens of Denmark, here me when I tell you: Do. Not. Change. That. Law. In fact, I think it’s time that our own government recognizes that some women need some serious help naming’ their babies here in the United States. Especially young black women. I’m speaking up for all the Laquayquay’s and Calamari’s of the world. Now don’t get me wrong, white women give their babies jacked up names too, like Romer, Frances-Bean and, Apple! But those are rich, famous people kids. they’ll never have no Kinko’s manager telling them Jermekalalisha isn’t gonna fit on a name tag, so they’re just gonna call her Jerky for short. That’s not gonna happen. Now, see the real problem is that I think that a lot of single black mothers will be mad at they baby’s daddy, and then take that out on the Child’s name. Like I know a girl named Mistakealina. And I dated a girl named Condombuster. I couldn’t even say her name in church! this stuff has to stop. Now, take my name. Now, Finesse was cute when I was four years old, but my career options were limited. It was either rapper or hairdresser. And it seems, the younger the mother, the more messed up the name! My mother had me when she was fifteen years old, and we never got along when we were growing up. I’ll tell you that. Every Saturday morning, we would fight over who got the remote control, she liked the Super friends; I liked The Smurfs. I remember sitting’ at the kitchen table with my homework, and she’s on the other side doin’ her homework; I couldn’t help her, she couldn’t help me, and neither of us could go outside until we were finished. I went to four high school proms, two were hers because she couldn’t find a baby sitter, two were mine. But that’s okay, because that’s at that last prom where my daughter was received. Hey, Promisha!
Amy Poehler: Finesse Mitchell, everyone!
Tina Fey: A man who had a heart attack while he was alone in his house was saved when his dog brought him the phone so he could call for help. However, it should be noted that for every one of these heartwarming stories there’s a million others where the dog just sits there like a moron and watches you die. (muttered) Dogs.
Amy Poehler: Stupid dogs.
On Thursday, more than 7,000 sites took place across the country in National Depression Screening Day, which screens the public for depression related illnesses. A spokesman for the group said, “I don’t know…uh.. turnout was okay, I mean I guess… just wasn’t as great as I thought…but, you know… it was a stupid idea anyway…so… I guess I’m just gonna go back to bed….”
Tina Fey: The newest trend among students at Brigham Young University are T-shirts that read, “I Can’t. I’m Mormon.” Which have been countered with T-shirts reading, “You Will. I’m Kobe.”
Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update” I’m Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
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