Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
Joacob Silj…..Will Ferrell
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
On Thursday the crew of the downed EP-3 spy plane returned to American soil. China however has not returned the plane itself. Chinese officials have told US negotiators that if they want the plane back they’ll just have to go on eBay and bid like everybody else.
Jimmy Fallon: According to White House aides during the standoff with China, President Bush did not rely on the advice of Vice President Dick Cheney. Bush was however in constant contact with his most trusted advisor – his magic 8 ball.
Tina Fey: On his trip to India last week Bill Clinton dedicated a new girls college named after his wife Hillary. The former President offered best wishes to all the new students of Frigid Pear-shaped Harpy University.
Jimmy Fallon: Carol Denis a former back-up singer for Bob Dylan said this week that from 1986 to 1992 she and Dylan were secretly married. Dylan however insists that the marriage was not a secret, it’s just that whenever he told people that, they couldn’t understand a word he said.
Tina Fey: In Washington last week officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of 200 hundred high school students. There were no survivors.
Jimmy Fallon: Scientists this week unveiled the first human blood substitute, a synthetic substance that functions like red blood cells. The product will be marketed under the brand name I can’t Believe it’s Not Blood!
Tina Fey: The 11 day standoff between China and the United States is over, but the long term effects on xeno-american relations remain to be seen. Joining us now with his insights is the state department attaché for the US Ambassador to China, Jacob Silj.
Will Ferrell: (in a loud voice) Thank you Tina. Our relations with China have long been shaped by a tug of war between economic interests and political ideologies.
Tina Fey: Holy God.
Will Ferrell: Yes, I’ll get to religion Tina, but first Taiwan (pulls out map) A Japanese colony until 1945 —
Tina Fey: No Jacob. Your voice.
Will Ferrell: My voice?
Tina Fey: You’re shouting.
Will Ferrell: How dare you. I have a voice related medical condition.
Tina Fey: Oh, I’m very sorry.
Will Ferrell: I suffer from voice immodulation Tina. I’m unable to control the pitch or volume of my voice. Also known as Van Horton’s Syndrome, VI is a recognized psycho-medical condition which you may have read about in Newsweek or Crack Magazine. Numerous prominent Americans suffer from this debilitating disease Tina, including the guy who played Rodge on “What’s Happening” and tennis great Pete Sampras.
Tina Fey: Jacob, I’ve heard Pete Sampras speak and he doesn’t shout all the time.
Will Ferrell: Pete Sampras has low grade voice immodulation. He is a poster child for voice immodulation awareness and proof that even the voice immodulated can contribute to a society filled with prejudice people like you. Tina.
Tina Fey: Jacob, that’s not fair.
Will Ferrell: Fair! I’ll tell you what’s not fair, Tina. Imagine being at a high school dance, singing along with everyone else “and a little bit softer now, and a little bit softer now, and a little bit softer now.” Or how about sitting in the privacy of your church confessional and whispering to your priest, “I’ve had impure thoughts about that hippy puppet in the Muppet Show Band.”
Tina Fey: Janice?
Will Ferrell: Janice, yes. Or looking into a woman’s eyes and gently murmuring to her, “I want to touch you, I want to touch you.”
Tina Fey: OK Jacob, we get it. It’s a problem.
Will Ferrell: No wonder I’m a 48 year-old virgin.
Tina Fey: Right well Jacob thanks for coming out. Thank you.
Will Ferrell: Boy Jacob, you could have taught these people a lot about China tonight if it weren’t for that rude bitch.
Tina Fey: Jacob, I can hear you.
Will Ferrell: I’m sorry. You think I’d know better by now.
Tina Fey: Jacob Silj, everybody.
Jimmy Fallon: On Monday, President Bush wrote a letter offering his condolences to the wife of the missing Chinese fighter pilot. After Bush wrote the letter, it was quickly given to experts and translated. Then it was translated into Chinese.
Tina Fey: Actress Tara Reid has indefinitely postponed her marriage to TRL’s Caron Daly. Caron Daly dropping to number 3 this week behind a male model and a crew guy from Josie and the Pussycats.
And now with a review of the new Broadway play, The Producers, is our own, Jimmy Fallon.
Jimmy Fallon: Alright thanks a lot Tina. The Producers, it stars Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick. You know, I couldn’t get tickets for this play. It’s like sold-out for like 2 years. But here’s what I think it’s about. Ferris Bueller comes out, I mean Matthew Broderick comes out and he’s like “I can’t believe it. I’m going to produce a play called ‘Springtime for Hitler’. What’s the point? It could be about Hitler, it could be about Stalin. It still won’t change the fact that I don’t have a car. Chack-uh-ka-cha. Oh Yeah!
And Nathan Lane comes out and he’s like (singing) “we’re going to produce, I’m a producer. Hakuna Mata for the rest of” You can do this at home if you want. “Hakuna Matata, means no passing phrase. Hakunaaa (curtain comes down and goes back up quickly) Matata!” Break a leg guys. See you at the Tony’s.
Tina Fey: The Bush family cat, Ernie, missing for weeks, turned up early Tuesday morning wandering down Hollywood’s Avenue of the Stars – coked out of its mind.
Jimmy Fallon: Republican Jane Swift became governor of Massachusetts this week making her the first pregnant governor in US history – that I know of!
Tina Fey: How many governors are you sleeping with?
Jimmy Fallon: Uh, I don’t kiss governors and tell. Back to you Tina.
Tina Fey: You are a creep.
Jimmy Fallon: Why?
Tina Fey: The FBI will install high tech scrambling devices to prevent people from picking up the closed circuit broadcast of Timothy McVeigh’s execution. Which means that on May 16th some young man that thinks he’s watching scrambled porn may actually be masturbating to a lethal injection. Whatever works.
Mariah Carey last week signed a recording contract with Virgin records for 25 million dollars an album. The signing is considered a coup for the company although Virgin records will now have to change its name to skank records.
Jimmy Fallon: The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has apologized to audio technicians after Mike Meyers made fun of Best Sound and Sound Editing categories at last month’s Oscars. Meyers explained his actions stating (sound cuts in and out as Jimmy reads the statement)
Tina Fey: On Thursday Harvey R. Ball, the inventor of the smiley face, died. He is survived by his wife and two children. (graphic: women’s restroom sign, crosswalk sign)
Jimmy Fallon: For weekend Update I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Thanks to Adagio216 for this transcript!