Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Joacob Silj…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

On Thursday the crew of the downed EP-3 spy plane returned to American soil. China however has not returned the plane itself. Chinese officials have told US negotiators that if they want the plane back they’ll just have to go on eBay and bid like everybody else.

Jimmy Fallon: According to White House aides during the standoff with China, President Bush did not rely on the advice of Vice President Dick Cheney. Bush was however in constant contact with his most trusted advisor – his magic 8 ball.

Tina Fey: On his trip to India last week Bill Clinton dedicated a new girls college named after his wife Hillary. The former President offered best wishes to all the new students of Frigid Pear-shaped Harpy University.

Jimmy Fallon: Carol Denis a former back-up singer for Bob Dylan said this week that from 1986 to 1992 she and Dylan were secretly married. Dylan however insists that the marriage was not a secret, it’s just that whenever he told people that, they couldn’t understand a word he said.

Tina Fey: In Washington last week officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of 200 hundred high school students. There were no survivors.

Jimmy Fallon: Scientists this week unveiled the first human blood substitute, a synthetic substance that functions like red blood cells. The product will be marketed under the brand name I can’t Believe it’s Not Blood!

Tina Fey: The 11 day standoff between China and the United States is over, but the long term effects on xeno-american relations remain to be seen. Joining us now with his insights is the state department attaché for the US Ambassador to China, Jacob Silj.

Will Ferrell: (in a loud voice) Thank you Tina. Our relations with China have long been shaped by a tug of war between economic interests and political ideologies.

Tina Fey: Holy God.

Will Ferrell: Yes, I’ll get to religion Tina, but first Taiwan (pulls out map) A Japanese colony until 1945 —

Tina Fey: No Jacob. Your voice.

Will Ferrell: My voice?

Tina Fey: You’re shouting.

Will Ferrell: How dare you. I have a voice related medical condition.

Tina Fey: Oh, I’m very sorry.

Will Ferrell: I suffer from voice immodulation Tina. I’m unable to control the pitch or volume of my voice. Also known as Van Horton’s Syndrome, VI is a recognized psycho-medical condition which you may have read about in Newsweek or Crack Magazine. Numerous prominent Americans suffer from this debilitating disease Tina, including the guy who played Rodge on “What’s Happening” and tennis great Pete Sampras.

Tina Fey: Jacob, I’ve heard Pete Sampras speak and he doesn’t shout all the time.

Will Ferrell: Pete Sampras has low grade voice immodulation. He is a poster child for voice immodulation awareness and proof that even the voice immodulated can contribute to a society filled with prejudice people like you. Tina.

Tina Fey: Jacob, that’s not fair.

Will Ferrell: Fair! I’ll tell you what’s not fair, Tina. Imagine being at a high school dance, singing along with everyone else “and a little bit softer now, and a little bit softer now, and a little bit softer now.” Or how about sitting in the privacy of your church confessional and whispering to your priest, “I’ve had impure thoughts about that hippy puppet in the Muppet Show Band.”

Tina Fey: Janice?

Will Ferrell: Janice, yes. Or looking into a woman’s eyes and gently murmuring to her, “I want to touch you, I want to touch you.”

Tina Fey: OK Jacob, we get it. It’s a problem.

Will Ferrell: No wonder I’m a 48 year-old virgin.

Tina Fey: Right well Jacob thanks for coming out. Thank you.

Will Ferrell: Boy Jacob, you could have taught these people a lot about China tonight if it weren’t for that rude bitch.

Tina Fey: Jacob, I can hear you.

Will Ferrell: I’m sorry. You think I’d know better by now.

Tina Fey: Jacob Silj, everybody.

Jimmy Fallon: On Monday, President Bush wrote a letter offering his condolences to the wife of the missing Chinese fighter pilot. After Bush wrote the letter, it was quickly given to experts and translated. Then it was translated into Chinese.

Tina Fey: Actress Tara Reid has indefinitely postponed her marriage to TRL’s Caron Daly. Caron Daly dropping to number 3 this week behind a male model and a crew guy from Josie and the Pussycats.

And now with a review of the new Broadway play, The Producers, is our own, Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Alright thanks a lot Tina. The Producers, it stars Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick. You know, I couldn’t get tickets for this play. It’s like sold-out for like 2 years. But here’s what I think it’s about. Ferris Bueller comes out, I mean Matthew Broderick comes out and he’s like “I can’t believe it. I’m going to produce a play called ‘Springtime for Hitler’. What’s the point? It could be about Hitler, it could be about Stalin. It still won’t change the fact that I don’t have a car. Chack-uh-ka-cha. Oh Yeah!

And Nathan Lane comes out and he’s like (singing) “we’re going to produce, I’m a producer. Hakuna Mata for the rest of” You can do this at home if you want. “Hakuna Matata, means no passing phrase. Hakunaaa (curtain comes down and goes back up quickly) Matata!” Break a leg guys. See you at the Tony’s.

Tina Fey: The Bush family cat, Ernie, missing for weeks, turned up early Tuesday morning wandering down Hollywood’s Avenue of the Stars – coked out of its mind.

Jimmy Fallon: Republican Jane Swift became governor of Massachusetts this week making her the first pregnant governor in US history – that I know of!

Tina Fey: How many governors are you sleeping with?

Jimmy Fallon: Uh, I don’t kiss governors and tell. Back to you Tina.

Tina Fey: You are a creep.

Jimmy Fallon: Why?

Tina Fey: The FBI will install high tech scrambling devices to prevent people from picking up the closed circuit broadcast of Timothy McVeigh’s execution. Which means that on May 16th some young man that thinks he’s watching scrambled porn may actually be masturbating to a lethal injection. Whatever works.

Mariah Carey last week signed a recording contract with Virgin records for 25 million dollars an album. The signing is considered a coup for the company although Virgin records will now have to change its name to skank records.

Jimmy Fallon: The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has apologized to audio technicians after Mike Meyers made fun of Best Sound and Sound Editing categories at last month’s Oscars. Meyers explained his actions stating (sound cuts in and out as Jimmy reads the statement)

Tina Fey: On Thursday Harvey R. Ball, the inventor of the smiley face, died. He is survived by his wife and two children. (graphic: women’s restroom sign, crosswalk sign)

Jimmy Fallon: For weekend Update I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Thanks to Adagio216 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Dissing Your Dog

01g: Derek Jeter / Shakira

Dissing Your Dog

Dale Sturtevant…..Will Ferrell

Dale Sturtevant: Hi. I’m Dale Sturtevant. I’ve been raising dogs since I was six. And nothing has brought me more joy, or more sheer frustration, than training a puppy. With a very young pup, correcting problem behavior can be very maddening. And, like you, I’ve probably tried all the tricks – screaming myself hoarse, starving them, locking them in a closet for days on end, or just beating them without mercy. But after my third arrest and court-ordered anger-management counseling, I learned to channel my rage into an effective non-violent puppy training tool. It’s called “Dissing Your Dog: how to train your puppy with mockery and verbal humiliation”.

You see, dogs are much more intuitive than we give them credit for. They know when they’re the butt of ridicule. And when they misbehave, a well-placed sarcastic comment or cutting remark can work wonders wherever a rolled-up newspaper fails. Whatever your puppy’s behavior problem, I guarantee I can help you fix it.

Dale Sturtevant V/O: Problems like jumping on furniture..

Dale Sturtevant: Oh no, no, no, Humphrey, don’t get up. You just stay there, relax. After all, you did put in a long day of work at a demanding high-stress job. Oh no, wait a minute, that’s me! Now I remember! I’m the one with the job. You’re the one who lies around the house all day in a pool of your own slobber!

[ dog jumps off couch ]

Dale Sturtevant V/O: Accidents in the house..

Dale Sturtevant: Hey, Walter! Thanks for your “help” with the new off-white sofa. Everybody agrees that dump you left there was the perfect “accent”. So, good job. Oh, and by the way, Milton Berle called. He wants his bladder back.

[ dog climbs down from sofa and pees properly over a newspaper ]

That’s a good job!

Dale Sturtevant V/O: Fussy eating habits..

Dale Sturtevant: Oh, right, Margaret, you wanted prime rib. Here’s the deal: The Palm wasn’t taking reservations, and I didn’t even try Morton’s because I understand they have a new chef. So for now, let’s just go with the Alpo, okay? I know it’s not your first choice but keep in mind, you’re a f–king dog!

[ dog eats the Alpo ]

Dale Sturtevant: I’m so confident this program works, I’m gonna send you Volume 1 of the five-part series free of charge. Once you’ve seen it, I know you’ll order the rest. [ looks down at dog ] Right, Murphy, you brainless sack of excrement? [ to camera ] She’s being punished.

Announcer: To order “Dissing Your Dog”, dial 1-800-555-0199. Call today.

Dale Sturtevant: Remember: there’s one thing stronger than a dog’s sense of smell – his sense of irony.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Seann William Scott: 10/06/01: Law & Order: Parking Violations Unit

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 27: Episode 2

01b: Seann William Scott / Sum41

Law & Order: Parking Violations Unit

Husband…..Will Ferrell
Wife…..Maya Rudolph
Policewoman…..Rachel Dratch
Tow Truck Driver…..Seann William Scott
Policeman…..Horatio Sanz
Adam Schiff…..Darrell Hammond
Assistant…..Amy Poehler
Man…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: This fall on NBC, from the creator of “Law & Order”, “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”, and “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” comes..

[ Couple spots a parking ticket on their car’s windshield ]

Husband: Honey, look.

Wife: Oh, my God!

Husband: No! This isn’t happening to me!

Policewoman: It just did.

Announcer: “Law & Order: Parking Violations Unit”. There’s a new kind of justice on the streets.

[ in second vignette, Policewoman spots a Tow Truck Driver getting ready to tow a vehicle ]

Policewoman: What do you think you’re doing?

Tow Truck Driver: I’m taking in this ’91 Honda.

Policewoman: This car’s got a minute left on the meter.

Tow Truck Driver: Do you see anyone with a shiny quarter in their hand? Nooooo. I’m towing it.

Policewoman: Where does it end, Kurt? Today, a guy’s got one minute. Tomorrow, what is it, two? Three? Where does it end, Kurt? Where does it end?

Announcer: “Law & Order: Parking Violations Unit”

[ next vignette shows Policeman and Policewoman in their squad car ]

Radio: Yeah, 43, we got a double-parked Hyundai blocking a TGIFriday’s.

Policeman: 7-4. We’re on it.

Announcer: Marking the return of Steven Hill as D.A. Adam Schiff.

[ Adam Schiff is seen walking with his Assistant ]

Adam Schiff: They say he was parked 12 inches from the curb, he says it was 6 inches.

Assistant: He’s lying, Adam!

Adam Schiff: The jury’s gonna take one look at this guy, the city’s gonna be out $25 bucks. Let’s cut a deal.

Announcer: In a series critics call “almost better than the second spinoff”, and “not quite as good as the third.”

[ Policewoman spots a guy parking in a handicapped space ]

Policewoman: Sir, this space is reserved for handicapped parking.

Guy: Oh yeah, I know. [ walks away pretending to be limping ]

Announcer: “Law & Order: Parking Violations Unit”. It’s time to pay up!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Rob Lowe: 10/07/00

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 1

This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


October 7th, 2000

Rob Lowe



Dennis McNicholas

Paula Pell

Jim Downey

Ralph Nader

Lorne Michaels


Tim Meadows

Brendan Fraser
First Presidential DebateSummary: In their first debate monitored by Jim Lehrer (Chris Parnell), Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) dominates all the questions before George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) can give an incoherent answer.

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, Al Gore, Jim Lehrer.



Rob Lowe’s MonologueSummary: Rob Lowe taackles off-topic questions about “The West Wing” from members of the audience.

Also Hosted: 89o, 96q.


Corn Chip Nail TipsSummary: The perfect snack food for hip hop nail biters.

Monday Night FootballSummary: Al Michaels (Darrell Hammond) is flustered by lack of professionalism from his new co-hosts, Dan Fouts (Will Ferrell) and Dennis Miller (Jimmy Fallon).

Recurring Characters: Al Michaels, Dan Fouts, Dennis Miller, Eric Dickerson.


Ralph Nader BackstageSummary: Backstage, Ralph Nader tries to sell Rob Lowe on his government ideas.


Pros & ConsSummary: Nancy Grace (Ana Gasteyer) discusses the self-involved detective work of meddlers Shaggy (Rob Lowe) and Scooby Doo.

Recurring Characters: Nancy Grace.


Eminem & Dido perform “Stan”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Ladies man Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) promotes his new movie during a supposed Hollywood editorial. Tina Fey rants about Britney Spears. Againg rappers Grand Master Rap (Jerry Minor) and Kid Shazaam (Horatio Sanz) laud newcomer Eminem.

Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps, Grand Master Rap, Kid Shazaam.


Airport Blind DateSummary: Ray Murphy (Molly Shannon) makes her blind date, Rick Jennings (Will Ferrell), uncomfortable during their first face-to-face meeting.


Dateline Pre-TapesSummary: While pre-taping a promo for a story on trampolines, Stone Phillips (Rob Lowe) attempts to perfect his delivery.

Recurring Characters: Stone Phillips.


Eminem performs “The Real Slim Shady”

Chris Kattan ProfileSummary: Olympic-style coverage previews Chris Kattan getting ready for his next sketch.

Note: Because the show had run short on time, the sketch Chris Kattan is seen preparing for was unable to air on the live show.

Dream Team 2000Summary: Stock footage displays the arrogance of USA athletes at the Summer Olympics.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

MangoSummary: Rob Lowe studies Mango’s movements so he can play him in what turns out to be a porno film.

Recurring Characters: Mango.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Christopher Walken: 05/19/01

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

May 19th, 2001

Christopher Walken


Kevin Nealon

Winona Ryder

Weezer, “Hash Pipe”

  • A Message From Mayor Rudolph Guiliani

    Mayor Rudolph Guiliani (Darrell Hammond) hides mistress (Rachel Dratch).

    Recurring Characters: Mayor Rudolph Guiliani.

  • Christopher Walken’s Monologue

    Walken sings “Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off”.

  • Mango

    Janitor (Walken) fantasizes about Mango (Chris Kattan).

    Recurring Characters: Mango.

  • Hardball

    Paul Begalia (Chris Kattan) still harassed by Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond).

    Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Paul Begalia.

  • The Continental

    The Continental (Walken) spies on upstairs neighbor with periscope.

    Recurring Characters: The Continental.

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    Chris Kattan gives terrible re-enactment of Joey Fatone injury.

    Kevin Nealon delivers subliminal editorial about current cast.

    Jimmy’s glasses, pregnant Winona Ryder all part of “Weekend Update” cliffhanger.

  • Weezer performs “Hash Pipe”

  • Love-ahs

    Roger (Will Ferrell) & Virginia (Rachel Dratch) reminisce with friend (Walken).

    Recurring Characters: Roger, Virginia.

  • TV Funhouse

    “Anatominals” cause Lorne Michaels to rethink pact with Satan.

  • Centaur Job Interview

    Dirty Centaur (Chris Parnell) endures pushy job interview.

  • Badger Up His Butt

    Co-worker (Will Ferrell) learns he has a badger lodged up his butt.

  • Weezer performs “Island In The Sun”

  • Memorial Day Greetings From “Saturday Night Live”

    Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, Tracy Morgan re-perform Christmas ditty.

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Renee Zelwegger: 04/14/01

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    April 14th, 2001

    Renee Zelwegger


    Gwen Stefani

    Molly Shannon

    Eve, “Who’s That Girl?”

  • The Culps

    Marty & Bobbie perform a tax medley at H&R Block.

    Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.

  • Renee Zelwegger’s Monologue

    “Bridget Jones” star Zelwegger reads from her own diary.

  • Subshack

    (Repeat) See 03/10/01.

  • Jerry Maguire II

    Jonathan Lipnicki (Horatio Sanz) has put on wight since first movie.

  • Hardball

    Molly Ivins (Zelwegger) is ridiculed by Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond).

    Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Paul Begalia.

  • A Wedding Story

    Bride (Zelwegger) regrets being engaged to leader of KISS cover band (Will Ferrell).

  • TV Funhouse

    “Survivor” endures “Fun With Real Audio” treatment.

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    Jacob Silj (Will Ferrell) still suffers from voice immodulation.

    Jimmy Fallon reviews “The Producers”.

    Recurring Characters: Jacob Silj.

  • Eve & Gwen Stefani perform “Let Me Blow Ya Mind”

  • TV Theme Songs

    Woman (Zelwegger) doesn’t find date’s (Chris Kattan) TV theme songs romantic.

  • Crazy Doctor

    Dr. Beaman (Will Ferrell) makes his patients uncomfortable with crazy behavior.

    Recurring Characters: Dr. Beaman.

  • Eve performs “Who’s That Girl?”

  • Classical Music Classics

    Poor lyrics add little appeal to classical music.

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: SNL Primetime Extra 2: 02/08/01

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 26: Bonus Episode 2

    This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:


    February 8th, 2001




    Jennifer Lopez
    A Message From The President Of The United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) offers taxpayers $1,600 if they’ll promise to take him seriously as their leader.

    Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush, Dick Cheney.



    Celebrity JeopardySummary: Alex Trebek (Will Ferrell) is frustrated by the antics of Ozzy Osbourne (Horatio Sanz), Martha Stewart (Ana Gasteyer) and Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond).

    Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Ozzy Osbourne, Martha Stewart, Sean Connery.


    Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Hannibal Lecter (Darrell Hammond) gives tips for combatting flu season and tries to get inside Tina Fey’s head.

    Recurring Characters: Hannibal Lecter.

    Hitting on JenniferSummary: Will Ferrell wants to get his hands all over Jennifer Lopez’s big ass.

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Charlie Sheen: 01/13/01

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    January 13th, 2001

    Charlie Sheen

    Nelly Furtado


    Nelly Furtado, “I’m Like A Bird”

  • A Message From the Vice-President Elect

    Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) discusses his recent heart attack.

    Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney.

  • Charlie Sheen’s Monologue

    Sheen endures audience questions about following his dad’s TV footsteps.

  • Fox Promos

    New reality-TV programs: “Herpes Island”, “Temptation Trailer” and “The Cannibal”.

  • The Iron Chef

    American Bachelor Chef (Sheen) offers competetion.

  • Eric Dickerson’s NFL Pregame Special

    More non-sensical sports coverage, courtesy of ABC Sports.

  • The Culps

    Marty & Bobbie perform a civil rights medley at a Martin Luther King Day assembly.

    Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    Katherine Harris (Ana Gasteyer) delivers payback to her critics.

    Jimmy Fallon reviews Clinton’s Farewell Tour.

    Chris Kattan gives a terrible re-enactment of Prince Charles falling off his horse.

    Marta Mercado (Maya Rudolph) discusses treatment from employer Linda Chavez.

    Recurring Characters: Katherine Harris.

  • Nelly Furtado performs “I’m Like A Bird”

  • Patsy Marsh

    “As The World Turns” actress (Molly Shannon) overdoes her scene.

  • Ted Brogan

    Woman (Maya Rudolph) gives birth to 37-year-old man (Will Ferrell).

  • T.G.I. Friday’s

    Rude waiter (Chris Kattan) is son of T.G.I. Friday (Will Ferrell).

  • “The Pervert”, Film by Adam McKay

  • Classic Vaudeville with Charles & Fleisy

    Sheen and Heidi Fleiss (Rachel Dratch) deliver adult version of “Who’s In First?”

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Sean Hayes: 02/17/01

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 26: Episode 12

    This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:


    February 17th, 2001

    Sean Hayes



    Michael Schur
    A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) announces that he performed a strike on Iraq as a personal favor to keep former President Clinton’s scandal out of the news.

    Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.



    Sean Hayes’ MonologueSummary: Sean Hayes plays a grade school piece on the piano while signing autographs from the audience and taking a cell phone call from a friend.


    Delicious DishSummary: Margaret Jo McCullin (Ana Gasteyer) and Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon) envision a psychadelic high after sampling mushrooms from guest Alfie Thuman (Sean Hayes).

    Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullin, Teri Rialto.


    HomocilSummary: The pill that helps parents cope with their children’s homosexuality.


    HardballSummary: Paul Begala (Chris Kattan) suffers abuse from Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond).

    Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Paul Begala.


    Jeffrey’sSummary: A pair of trendy clothing store employees (Jimmy Fallon, Sean Hayes) mock the clothing styles of would-be customers.

    Recurring Characters: Clerk, Supervisor, Burly Customer.

    Note: This sketch is replaced with its dress rehearsal version in repeats because of the frequent character-breaking and laughter by the actors involved.


    Shaggy performs “It Wasn’t Me”

    Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Jamie Bell (Sean Hayes), the kid From “Billy Elliot”, is pissed that he wasn’t nominated for an Academy Award, then dances his way through the studio.


    Hello DollySummary: More cute yet bizarre-looking dolls are up for adoption.

    Recurring Characters: Deana Nolan-Gray.


    Fashion Week 2001Summary: Adrian Dante’s (Sean Hayes) fashion show is interrupted by would-be diva, Sally O’Malley (Molly Shannon).

    Recurring Characters: Sally o’Malley.


    Shaggy performs “Angel”

    Action News 4 Morning ReportSummary: Hilarity ensues when a tractor-trailer hits a tiny clown car!


    Last Show!Summary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) sings “School’s Out” to commemorate Molly Shannon’s last show.

    Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.


    Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetSummary: Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) lives in a world that exists inside his own head.

    Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.


    Corn Chip Nail TipsSummary: The tasty snack food of choice for nail biters.

    Note: Repeat from 10/07/00.

    Talkin’ ‘Bout ‘GinasSummary: Second-rate female celebrities attempt to feed from the success of “The Vagina Monologues.”

    Recurring Characters: Joan Rivers, Anna Nicole Smith, Farrah Fawcett, Gayle King



    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Conan O’Brien: 03/10/01

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 26: Episode 14

    This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:


    Bit Players:

    March 10th, 2001

    Conan O’Brien

    Don Henley


    Max Weinburg

    Becky Weinburg

    Ben Affleck

    Scott Wainio
    A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) Bush announces his new worry-free attitude.

    Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.



    Conan O’Brien’s MonologueSummary: Conan O’Brien shows clips of his writer’s cameo appearances from the 80’s, then takes Tract Morgan and a paramedic (Scott Wainio) downstairs for a tour of his talk show studio.


    SubshackSummary: If you’re losing weight too fast, take a walk with Jared Fogel (Jimmy Fallon) to Subshack to put the pounds back on.


    Cumberland FarmsSummary: With a little help from Eric Pearson (Conan O’Brien) and a fake moustache, Sully (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise (Rachel Dratch) score some beer.

    Note: Ben Affleck’s character did not appear in the dress rehearsal.

    Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank, Donny Bartalotti.


    Moleculo: The Molecular ManSummary: Superhero Moleculo (Conan O’Brien) gives himself away by repeating his catch-phrase while assuming his mild-mannered disguise.


    Napster HearingsSummary: Not only is Right Said Fred (Conan O’Brien) seeking copyright protection, he would also like a little something to eat.

    Recurring Characters: Trent Lott, David Lee Roth.


    Don Henley performs “Everything Is Different Now”Also Performed: 89d.

    Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeyNote: Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey perform “Weekend Update” without any guest commentaries.


    Taint-less TedSummary: A doctor (Conan O’Brien) informs patient Ted Brown (Horatio Sanz) that he’s lost his “taint”.


    TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel invites viewers to “Find the Black People At The Knicks Game.”


    VH-1 Diva-thonSummary: Diva Deandra Wells (Ana Gasteyer) causes a ruckus among the members of her back-up band.

    Recurring Characters: Deandra Wells, Grodon Davis, Alan “Sticks” McRae, Donny Gordon, Lynda Lopez.

    Democratic National CommitteeSummary: Marc Rich (Chris Kattan) discusses his financial woes.

    Don Henley performs “The Heart Of The Matter”Note: When NBC reran the episode, this performance was replaced by a DeMarco Brothers sketch cut from dress rehearsal.

    Sports CenturySummary: Early 20th Century boxer James “The Gentlemen Masher” Corcoran (Conan O’Brien) excelled at his sport until he agreed to spar with black competitors.



    Dress Rehearsal Cuts

    DeMarco BrothersSummary: Kyle DeMarco (Chris Kattan), Sean DeMarco (Chris Parnell) and their cousin (Conan O’Brien) audition for Don Henley.

    Recurring Characters: Kyle DeMarco, Sean DeMarco.

    Note: This sketch aired in place of Don Henley’s second performance when the episode reran.

    SNL Transcripts