Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 28: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 2nd, 2002 Eric McCormack Jay-Z None Steve Higgins Lenny Kravitz Beyonce Giuliani’s Endorsement AdsSummary: Rudolph Giuliani (Darrell Hammond) pre-records campaign endorsements. Recurring Characters: Rudolph Giuliani.
Montage
Eric McCormack’s MonologueSummary: When audience members think Eric McCormack is gay in real-life, he performs a musical number in order to prove them wrong. Transcript
The BachelorSummary: One-legged Amber (Amy Poehler) wants to be bachelor Aaron’s (Eric McCormack) wife. Recurring Characters: Amber.
Game NightSummary: Rachel (Rachel Dratch) goes on a rampage when she loses a game of Celebrity.
Talarico For CongressSummary: Andy Talarico (Chris Kattan) advises voters to call Ellen Frenkel (Rachel Dratch). Transcript
Frankel For CongressSummary: Ellen Frenkel (Rachel Dratch) tells voters to call Andy Talarico (Chris Kattan). Transcript
American MorningSummary: The morning news takes a back seat when Paula Zahn (Tina Fey) falls in love with her co-host, Brent Dunlop (Eric McCormack). Recurring Characters: Paula Zahn. Transcript
Fairness in Attack AdsSummary: Call Ellen Frankel (Rachel Dratch), not Andy Talarico (Chris Kattan). Transcript
Jay-Z & Lenny Kravitz perform “Guns & Roses”
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Gene Shalit (Horatio Sanz) makes bad puns for the movies he didn’t like. A desktop dance rap is performed by Jay-Z crew member Baby K (Jeff Richards). Recurring Characters: Gene Shalit, Baby K. Transcript
The BullhornSummary: A judge (Will Forte) is angered when a defendant (Eric McCormack) repeatedly interrupts trial proceeings by blaring multiple bullhorns. Transcript
VerizonSummary: Andy Talarico’s (Chris Kattan) phones have been disconnected. Transcript
Z105Summary: Councilman Bill Gik (Eric McCormack) is unable to get a word in while a guest on multi-character disc jockey Joey Mack’s (Jimmy Fallon) morning zoo. Recurring Characters: Joey Mack. Transcript
John Hancock Life InsuranceSummary: Insurance packages that specialize in the most extreme worst-case scenarios. Transcript
Jay-Z & Beyonce perform “03 Bonnie & Clyde”
Jackass: The MusicalSummary: An actor portrays Johnny Knoxville (Eric McCormack) in a traditional musical performance, complete with puke.
Reggie’s StoriesSummary: Barmaid (Maya Rudolph) sets Reggie (Tracy Morgan) straight on his tall-tale stories.
Andy Talarico…..Chris Kattan Ellen Frankel…..Rachel Dratch
Andy Talarico Voiceover: The following is paid for by Friends of Talarico For Congress.
Voiceover: Ellen Frankel is at it again, frightening seniors and lying about Andy Talarico’s record.
Fact: According to the New York Times, Andrew Talarico did not vote to privatize social security.
No wonder Andrew Talarico has been called “our seniors’ best friend in Congress.” Call Ellen Frankel, tell her to stop frightening seniors, and to stop the lies.
Andy Talarico…..Chris Kattan Ellen Frankel…..Rachel Dratch
Ellen Frankel Voiceover: The following is paid for by Frankel For Congress: 2002.
Voiceover: Just how low will Andy Talarico sink? Now, he’s running ads urging voters to call Ellen Frankel, to tell her to stop revealing the facts about his record. But, according to the Newark Star Ledger, Andy Talarico did vote to privatize social security. Maybe that’s why the New York Daily News calls Andy Talarico “A pathological liar.”
Call Andy Talarico. Tell him to stop asking voters to call Ellen Frankel, to tell her to stop talking about his record. A record that’s wrong for seniors.
Andy Talarico…..Chris Kattan Ellen Frankel…..Rachel Dratch
Voiceover: Ellen Frankel is getting desperate. Her latest trick? Asking voters to call Andy Talarico, to tell him to stop asking them to call her, to tell her to stop distorting his record.
Fact: Andy Talarico has never supported any change to social security.
Call Ellen Frankel. Tell her to stop the lies. Or, at the very least, to stop asking voters to call Andy Talarico, to tell him to stop urging them to call Ellen Frankel, to tell her to stop the lies. And, to stop the phone calls.
Andy Talarico…..Chris Kattan Ellen Frankel…..Rachel Dratch
Voiceover: How big a hypocrite is Andy Talarico? According to the Asbury Park Press, Mr. Talarico has run a campaign based almost exclusively on asking people to call Ellen Frankel. But, now, when voters try to call him, they’re told his number’s not in service.
Operator Recording: ..The number you have reached is no longer in service..
Voiceover: That’s right – all phones at Talarico Campaign Headquarters have been disconnected.
Operator Recording: ..No further information is available at this time..
Voiceover: Fact: Andy Talarico’s home phone number is 201-555-0199. Call Andy Talarico at home. Tell him that disconnecting his phones is unfair to Ellen Frankel, and a dirty way to win an election.
Andy Talarico. Wrong for seniors. Wrong to disconnect his phones.
Prosecution…..Chris Parnell Mrs. Schultz…..Amy Poehler Mr. Marshall…..Eric McCormack Judge…..Will Forte Bailiff…..Horatio Sanz
[ open on exterior, Courthouse ]
[ dissolve to interior, courtroom ]
Prosecution: Mrs. Schultz.. on the night of July 6th, 2001, you witnessed the brutal murders of Adrienne Morgan, Brad Klein and Tanya Reuben. Tell us, in your own words, what you saw.
Mrs. Schultz: [ uneasy ] Well, I saw that man.. and he..
[ Mr. Marshall holds up a bullhorn and lets out an extended siren ]
Judge: [ bangs gavel repeatedly ] Mr. Marshall. I’m going to have to ask you to refrain fom using your bullhorn. Alright? This is a courtroom. Not a football arena. Prosecution may proceed.
Prosecution: Thank you, Your Honor. Once again, Mrs. Schultz, please tell us in your own words what you saw.
Mrs. Schultz: Yes, um.. [ points to Mr. Marshall ] I saw that man..
[ Mr. Marshall holds up his bullhorn again and lets out another extended siren ]
Judge: [ bangs gavel repeatedly ] Mr. Marshall. What did I just ask you, less than thirty seconds ago? [ Mr. Marshall grimaces ] I asked you to refrain from using your bullhorn. Alright? Now, I appreciate the fact that that one was a little bit shorter. Alright? But my patience is running thin here. Okay? And one more time, and I may have to send the bailiff over there to confiscate that horn. I don’t want to have to do that. Alright, prosecution may proceed.
Prosecution: Mrs. Schultz? Again. What did you see the night of July 6th, 2001?
Mrs. Schultz: I saw that man, and-
[ Mr. Marshall emits a quick siren blast from his bullhorn ]
Mrs. Schultz: ..he.. he..
Judge: [ bangs gavel ]
Mr. Marshall: [ emits quick siren blast ]
Judge: [ bangs gavel ]
Mr. Marshall: [ emits two quick siren blasts ]
Judge: [ bangs gavel twice ]
Mr. Marshall: [ emits three quick siren blasts ]
Judge: [ bangs gavel three times ]
[ the siren blasts and gavel bangs compete fiercely enough to sound like aggressive Morse Code signals ]
[ extended silence after the Judge bangs his gavel ]
[ Mr. Marshall continues his siren blasts, as the Judge quickly follows suit by banging his gavel ]
[ silence again, until Mr. Marshall emits an extended siren blast over the Judge’s repeating gavel banging ]
Mr. Marshall: [ emits quick siren blast ]
Judge: [ bangs gavel ] Mr. Marshall. I don’t even know how to describe that last one. It was both long and short at the same time. Alright. But, look.. I’m gonna give you one last chance. Or, do you know what I’ll do? [ Mr. Marshall grimaces ] I’ll confiscate that bullhorn. Alright, prosecution may proceed.
Prosecution: July 6th, 2001, what did you see?
Mrs. Schultz: Yeah. That man-
[ Mr. Marshall holds up his bullhorn again and lets out another extended siren, over repeated gavel bangs from the Judge ]
Mr. Marshall: [ emits quick siren blast ]
Judge: [ bangs gavel ] Back to the long one, huh? Bailiff? Please confiscate Mr. Marshall’s bullhorn.
[ Bailiff confiscates the bullhorn ]
Judge: Mr. Marshall, nobody comes into this courtroom, and dispalys that kind of disrespect. Alright? Nobody. [ whispers ] Nobody. Alright. Prosecution may proceed.
Prosecution: Thank you. [ quickly ] 7/6/01, what happened?
Mrs. Schultz: Yeah. That man-
[ Mr. Marshall whips out a second bullhorn, and blares the notes from “London Bridge” ]
Judge: [ bangs gavel twice ] Mr. Marshaaall. You have a second bullhorn, don’t you? [ Mr. Marshall grimaces ] Alright. I, uh, must inform you that the same rules that I instituted for that first bullhorn are in full effect for this bullhorn as well. Alright?
[ Mr. Marshall blares the notes from “London Bridge” on his bullhorn again ]
Judge: They’re in full effect for-
[ Mr. Marshall blares the notes from “London Bridge” on his bullhorn again ]
Judge: They are in full–
[ Mr. Marshall blares the notes from “London Bridge” on his bullhorn again ]
Judge: Bailiff? Please confiscate Mr. Marshall’s other bullhorn.
[ Bailiff confiscates the second bullhorn ]
Judge: Mr. Marshall, I hope you miss this one ver-y much. I hope the loss of this bullhorn stings to the ver-y core of your soul. [ Mr. Marshall hangs his head ] Alright. Now, the prosecution may finally–
[ Mr. Marshall whips out a third bullhorn, and blares a tune ]
Judge: Oh, brother! Three bullhorns?! [ Mr. Marshall shrugs ] Now, Mr. Marshall, you’ve displayed an amazingly cavalier attitude toward the justice system here today. [ a beat ] But I like the cut of your jib! That’s right. And, for that reason, I hereby fine you innocent!
[ open on Husband and Wife having dinner in a fancy restaurant, frantically whispering to one another across the table – camera pans back and forth between them as they speak ]
Husband: Will you relax? The market always comes back.
Wife: It’s our safety net. You don’t.. screw around with it.
Husband: W-wait as minute.. you think this is easy for me? Do you know the pressure I’m under? Do you know how much college is gonna cost?
Wife: That’s what I’m talking about. What about me and the kids?
[ SUPER: “The average age a women becomes a widow is 56” ]
What happens if you’re attacked by a mountain lion?[ SUPER: “Last year 2 people were killed by mountain lions” ]
Husband: That is not gonna happen.
Wife: I’m sure two people thought the same thing last year. Now their families eat of a dumpster behind Long John Silver’s. They live in constant fear of knife-wielding hobos!
[ SUPER: “Hobos aren’t carefree and loveable” ]
Husband: That’s terrible..
Wife: Yeah. It is. And, at night, while the kids are sleeping under a freeway bridge, I’ll be forced to hang out in a Waffle House parking lot and have sex with truckers for money!
[ SUPER: “The average price for sex in a Waffle House parking lot is $10” ]
Husband: God..
Wife: You think I’m gonna be able to pay for the kids’ college doing that? Is that what you want for our family?
[ SUPER: “John Hancock Life Insurance” ]
Announcer: John Hancock Insurance. Frightening your family since 1862.
Eric McCormack: Thank you. Thank you so much. What can I say? I’m hosting “Saturday Night Live” – how happy am I! Most of you probably know me as Will, from “Will & Grace”.. I understand that there may be some questions out here for me tonight. I’m happy to answer them, but let me start with the obviosu one first – No.. I’m not gay. I get that a lot, because my character, Will, is gay.. but I’m not. But I’m happy to answer anything else, though. Anybody?
Male Audience Member #1: Yes, hi, Eric.
Eric McCormack: Hi.
Male Audience Member #1: I don’t really have a question, just more of a comment? Uh.. I just want to say I’m a big fan of “Will & Grace”, I love your work.
Eric McCormack: Uh.. thank you.. thank you very much.
Male Audience Member #1: Oh, by the way, everyone thinks I’m gay, too, but.. I’m not! [ laughs ] Just like you!
Eric McCormack: Uh.. thank you.. uh.. yes, you? [ points to second audence member ]
Male Audience Member #2: [ dressed in cardigan, with a high, snoty voice ] Hi, Eric. I’m not gay, wither. I was hoping you could settle a bet – are your eyes green.. or hazel?
Eric McCormack: Wow.. they are actually green..
Male Audience Member #2: [ to Male Companion ] You owe me a back rub! His eyes are gree, and he’s not gay!We’re not gay, either! [ snickers ]
Eric McCormack: I’m.. I’m not gay..
Male Audience Member #2: Of course.
Eric McCormack: No! I’m not! Somebody else, please. On more question. [ points ] You, sir? [ man clad in leather chaps rises ] Actually, you know what? Not.. not.. not you.. the guy behind you. Yeah?
Male Audience Member #3: Yeah, um.. I’m not gay, either..
Eric McCormack: Great! What’s your question?
Male Audience Member #3: Uh.. do you want to go make out?
Eric McCormack: Okay, look! Will is gay.. I’mnot! Is that so hard..?
[ Chris Kattans comes onstage ]
Chris Kattan: McCormack.. McCormack.. it’s okay.
Eric McCormack: I just, you know.. I try..
Chris Kattan: I know! I know! You know what? You’re not gonna beleive this.. but, sometimes, people think I’m gay. [ reveals that he’s wearing Mango outfit underneath ]
Eric McCormack: You?
Chris Kattan: Yeah, I know! Can you believe it?
Eric McCormack: But, you’re so..
Chris Kattan: No, I know, I know! and I’m a happily married man!
Eric McCormack: Yeah?
Chris Kattan: Yeah! Look at this! [ shows picture of himself with butch-looking woman ] That’s my wife – Bernice! And, still, people think I’m gay! I think what you need to do, is look deep down inside, and find that man inside of you, and share it with others.
Eric McCormack: Maybe you’re right.
Chris Kattan: Yeah.
Eric McCormack: Thanks, Chris!
Chris Kattan: You’re welcome. [ winks at audience before exiting stage ]
Eric McCormack: Chris is right! It doesn’t matter what you all think. I know I’m a straight man! I know it!
[ cue music, Eric begins song ]
“And I’ll tell you whyyyyyyy
I love baseball, and boxing, messing around with tools! Six-packs, and wrestling, and smoking a pack of Kools.
I love watching Steve McQueen movies on the late, late show! And push-ups, and jumping jacks, don’t you know!
What I really, really love more than anything.. are boobies!Boobies!
Boobies in the morning, boobies in the Spring! Boobies in my face, boobies are everything!
Boobiiiiieeeesss!!”
I think I just set the record straight, would you say? We’ve got a great show for you tonight! I’m not gay! Jay-Z’s here, with Lenny Kravitz and Beoynce! so, stick around – I’m not gay – we’ll be right back! I’m not gay! I’m not.. gay!
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: Hello, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.
More than 200 Haitian immigrants waited ashore and rushed onto a major highway Tuesday after their 50-foot wooden freighter ran aground off of Miami, Florida. The Haitians said this was absolutely the last time they would book their travel through Priceline.com.
Jimmy Fallon: Tonight the United States Olympic committee officially nominated New York City as the US candidate to hold the 2012 Olympics. It’s really great news. The really great news is it gives New Yorkers a full 10 years to get the hell out of here.
Tina Fey: A tabloid reported this week that Britney Spear’s New York restaurant “Nyla” is in trouble and may close after just 4 months. In happier news, “Christina Aguilera’s Filthy Hot Dog Wagon is going strong.
Jimmy Fallon: A German schoolgirl has invented what she calls a merciless bed, which dumps people onto the floor when their alarm clock goes off. It has already won a prize for “Most German Invention”.
Tina Fey: While appearing on Larry King Live, Heather Mills-McCartney, the wife of Paul McCartney, removed her artificial leg and allowed King to hold it. Then in a spontaneous moment, King asked the leg to marry him.
Jimmy Fallon: Last weekend, Jackass: The Movie tramped the competition and topped the box office charts the second week in a row. Here with his review is NBC movie critic, Gene Shalit everybody.
Gene Shalit: Hello, Jimmy! First, let me say this. Jackass: The Movie is a jackass of a movie! Hey, hey, you, you, get the jackass off of my screen! Don’t jack-ask me again, Michael Jack-ackson! Put away your shiny glove! This thriller is a dud! Billie Jean is not my lover, she’s just a girl who thinks that Jackass: The Movie isn’t worth saying, “Mama say, Mama sa, Mama kusa!”
Jimmy Fallon: Crazy.
Gene Shalit: Jimmy!
Jimmy Fallon: What?
Gene Shalit: Get the jackass out of your trunk and change the tire and drive your car away from this movie!
Jimmy Fallon: I am so lost, I mean, what on earth are you . . .
Gene Shalit: Jimmy! A little ditty about Jackass and I end, to an American movie doing the worst it can as a movie!
Jimmy Fallon: Okay, I think we get the idea. You didn’t like Jackass. Have you seen anything else? How about “Ghost Ship”?
Gene Shalit: [pauses] Ghost Ship? More like a steaming pile of Ghost Ship? Who ya gonna call? Ghost Ship Busters! [starts laughing] If you call me up . . . I am afraid of this Ghost Ship, Jimmy!
[By this time, Jimmy is laughing so much he can’t even speak clearly.]
Jimmy Fallon: You’re not in your Today Show studio. You know, we have microphones, you don’t need to yell so much.
Gene Shalit: I’m old!
Jimmy Fallon: I know. Do you dye your mustache as well?
Gene Shalit: I dye everything!
Jimmy Fallon: How about the movie “The Ring”? Did you see “The Ring”? That’s supposed to be pretty good.
Gene Shalit: Ring around the rosey, trouser full of crapola! Ring, ring! Hello! Who’s this? Scary? You betcha!
Jimmy Fallon: All right, okay, that’s good.
Gene Shalit: Ring around the collar! I say, skid marks in my drawers! When “The Ring” is in my theater . . .
Jimmy Fallon: Okay, we get it, we got it.
Gene Shalit: I got some more about Jackass, Jimmy!
Jimmy Fallon: I think we’ve had enough, actually.
Gene Shalit: Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jackass nipping at your theater! Merry Christmas? I say, Merry Don’t-count-me-in-the crot-of-this-movie, ISTA-MIS! Jackass!
Jimmy Fallon: “Istmas?” You gotta put some more effort into your songs!
Gene Shalit: HIT IT! [Gene Shalit gets up, music starts, and he dances around flailing his arms and making faces.]
Jimmy Fallon: What’s going on? This is crazy. What is he doing? Why is he doing this? He’s lost his mind!
Gene Shalit: When the movie stinks, it has no story! Then you’re watching “Jack-the-ass: The Movie! [resumes dancing]
Jimmy Fallon: Gene Shalit, everybody!
Gene Shalit: GO TO HELL, JIMMY! [exits]
Tina Fey: We lost complete control . . .
Kevin Costner had his appendix out this week, but doctors say he is in boring condition and resting boringly.
VH1 has pulled the plug on “The Liza and David Show” after weeks of frustration trying to deal with control-freak David Gest. Also there were fears that during shooting, the lights would melt his wax head.
Jimmy Fallon: Musician Moby has created a book club for fans attending his concerts in which they bring a used book and take one from a communal pile. Moby said he got the idea when fans told him that the most exciting thing to do at one of his concerts is read.
Tina Fey: According to reports, Phil Collins has been going deaf for the past 2 years and may have to give up touring.
Jimmy Fallon: No, no, noâ¦that’s not what I heard. I heard that he witnessed this deaf guy murder this other deaf guy [“In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins plays] and then he invited the murderer to his concert and now he’s pretending to be deaf to trick him.
[Jimmy and Tina bob their heads to the music, then it stops.]
Tina Fey: Yeah.
Jimmy Fallon: Following a series of salmonella outbreaks, the food and drug administration has put a ban on the import of Mexican cantaloupes. This could be really bad news for Salma Hayek.
A man in Indiana was arrested for stealing a chicken, taking it to a motel and having sex with it until it died. Police have issued a warrant for this man. [shows a picture of Gonzo from the Muppets]
You know Tina, I gotta tell you that Jay-Z was pretty great, right, Jay-Z? He’s awesome, he’s a good dude, a very good rapper. I’ll tell you what, I like the guy. My favorite guy in the group is that guy Baby K.
Tina Fey: Baby-K, which one is Baby-K?
Jimmy Fallon: He’s the little guy, he’s like 2 months old, he wears gold chains.
Tina Fey: I didn’t see Baby-K. I didn’t see that guy.
Jimmy Fallon: Actually, I got to know him pretty well. I could possibly persuade him to sing a song with his new joint. Baby K, come here for a second. [Jimmy jumps over the Update desk, puts Baby K on the desk, and returns]
Tina Fey: Oh there he is, he’s so cute. Hi Baby-K.
Baby-K: Gimme a beat! (rapping) I’m gonna get this party started, this party started, started I’m gonna get this party started, this party started, started I’m gonna get this, I’m gonna get this, I’m-a, I’m-a, I’m-aâ¦mama, mama, mama, mama, mama⦠I’m gonna get this party started, this party, party started. Word!
Jimmy Fallon: Baby-K everybody. (he goes and picks Baby-K up and takes him off the desk, he goes and sits down again)
Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, thats Jimmy Fallon, Im Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.
( Jimmy throws the pencil, Baby-Ks music comes on and Tina and Jimmy begin to dance)
[ open on metro area traffic scene, to the sounds of morning zoo radio Z-105 ]
Joey Mack V/O: Good morning, Saugurtes! Joey Mack & The Fuzz coming at ya – Andrea’s gonna give us a traffic report pretty soon!
Andrea V/O: It’s gonna be rough out there, you guys!
Joey Mack V/O: All that and more!
[ dissolve to interior, radio booth, only one on-air personality visible at the mike ]
Joey Mack: You’ve been listening to Z-105 all morning, and you’re listening to the best! [ pot rock music up ] Alright! Anyway. So, I was with this girl last night, right, and things get crazy.. she puts her finger where it’s not supposed to go. I don’t know why they do that. Anyways! Making me toast the next morning, I notice her fingernails are all brown – oh, my God! [ laughs ] It’s 5:43 in the A.M. here – we’ll be right back with the morning mix!
Joey Mack: Hey! Councilman Gik?
Councilman Gik: Yeah. I’m, uh.. looking for Joey Mack & The Fuzz.. the Z-105 Morning Crew..?
Joey Mack: Yeah! Come on in, come on! Thank you so much for coming! We’re excited here!
Councilman Gik: There’s an election coming.. I thought I would get the word out.
Joey Mack: Put your headphones on, we’re psyched to have you, thank you so much! This is great!
Councilman Gik: [ looking around the booth ] It sounded like there were.. a lot more people in here.
Joey Mack: Oh, yeah, yeah! Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about it.
And we’re baaaaack! It’s 5:24 in the A.M. here, we got a special guest in the studio.. [ Man-in-the-Box voice ] Is it Pamela Lee? [ Joey ] Man In The Box! Get back in there! No, it’s not Pamela Lee! We’ve got Councilman Bill Gik, he’s running for Mayor this week.
Councilman Gik: Thank you.. it’s, uh, nice to be here.. I’m running for County Legislator.
Joey Mack: Anyway.. I gotta ask you a question. You’re in politics, right?
Councilman Gik: Yeah.
Joey Mack: Now, we can’t say the word, because this is radio, but you know what I’m talking about. Do you get a lot of wounaki?
Councilman Gik: W-wounaki..? I-I-I don’t know what you’re-
Joey Mack: Come on, you’re an ordinary guy, hey! I’ll tell you who’s gettin’ a lot of wounaki – it’s our traffic girl Andrea. [ Andrea voice ] Come on, you guys! I do not, you don’t even know! [ Joey ] I’ll tell you what. I heard Andrea went on a date last night.. [ Man -in-the-box voice ] I heard she gave up the wounakiiiii! [ Joey ] Man-in-the-box! [ Andrea voice ] I can’t believe it! [ Joey ] Now, Andrea.. at Cactus Jack’s, right? You’re there with this guy Brian, Ryan, I don’t know what’s his name? [ Andrea voice ] You know his name is Brian, you guys, he’s nice! [ Joey ] Anyway. Andrea’s out with this guy – Brian, Ryan, whatever his name is, alright? Let me get this straight – the guy uses a coupon.. [ Man-in-the-box voice ] Cheap-ooooo! [ Joey ] Good call, Man-in-a-box! I mean, where’d you meet this guy, in Costco? [ Andrea voice ] Come on, you guy’s he’s frugal! [ Joey ] Alright, my question is: Did he give her half-off the wounaki? It’s 5:26 in the a.m., we’ll be right back!
[ to Councilman Gik ] So, uh.. how’s the election going?
Councilman Gik: Uh.. good, I-I guess.. Am I going to get to talk about the issues?
Joey Mack: Yeah, yeah, sure! Is there something you want to plug, or..
Councilman Gik: Well, I’d like to talk about the Hastings Paper Mill, it’s polluting Hardy Pond, it’s killing all the-
Joey Mack: Hold on a second. [ on the mike ] And we’re baaaack! It’s 5:27 in the a.m. Councilman Bill Gik is here. We were talking about an important issue during the break..
Councilman Gik: Yes, we were.
Joey Mack: Uh, now, Councilman, honestly – how many times a day did you say you stroke it?
Councilman Gik: Wha-what?!
Joey Mack: Two times? Three times? [ Andrea voice ] You guys! [ Joey ] Uh, he’s pointing up, Andrea! Four times?!
Councilman Gik: [ outraged ] I didn’t say that I-
Joey Mack: [ Man-in-the-box voice ] It’s very possible! [Joey ] Now, we got our intern, Sonji, just came in here. Sonji, Councilman Gik says he spanks it four times a day!
Councilman Gik: I did not say that!
Joey Mack: Is that possible? [ Sonji voice ] I do not know, that is impossible.. oh, my god, I don’t believe this.. [ Joey ] Sonji, did you hear that Andrea’s date used a coupon at Cactus Jack’s! [ Sonhi voice ] No, I did not hear that.. that is funny! Oh, he used a coupon on a date! [ Joey ] Now, Councilman, you heard about the coupon, right?
Councilman Gik: [ exasperated ] No, I didn’t..
Joey Mack: [ Man-in-the-box voice ] I heard that he didn’t need any coupons [ Joey ] Why is that, Man-in-the-box? [ Man-in-the-box voice ] Because her panties were half-off! [ andrea voice ] Man-in-the-box! [ Man-in-the-box ] It was all-you-can-eat wounaki buffet! [ Joey ] Alright! It’s 5:27 in the a.m. here. We got a caller on Line 1. Caller, you’re on the air! [ Caller voice ] Uh, hi there, Councilman. Gary. [ Joey ] Hey, Gary’s a typical guy, right? It’s me, Joey Mack! [ Andrea voice ] And Andrea! [ Man-in-the-box voice ] What’s up, Gary? It’s me, Man-in-the-box! [ Sonji voice ] It’s me – Sonji! [ Joey ] And? [ holds microphone towards Councilman Gik ]
Councilman Gik: [ hesitant ] Bill..
Joey Mack: Gik is here! Uh.. Gary, do you have a question for Councilman Gik? [ Caller voice ] Uh, yeah, I have a question about your opponent?
Joey Mack: [ Caller voice ] Yeah, I-I-I was wondering, uh.. did she give you any wounaki? [ Joey ] Ha ha ha! [ Sonji vice ] Oh, my God, that is hilarious! [ Joey ] The gang wants to know if you’re sticking it to your opponet Janice Rhiney!
Councilman Gik: [ outraged ] What?! No!
Joey Mack: He’s winking! He’s winking at me, folks!
Councilman Gik: I amnot!
Joey Mack: [ Man-in-the-box voice ] I’d like to stick it in her rhiney!
Councilman Gik: Ohh, come on! It’s 5:30 in the morning!
Joey Mack: Hey, leave me out of this, alright? That’s between you and the Man-in-the-box!
Councilman Gik: What Man-in-the-box?! There is no Man-in-the-box!
Joey Mack: [ solemn ] I’m gonna be honest with you right now – I have a boner! [ presses button to make springing sound effect ] Okay! I’m excited right now! [ Councilman Gik stands to leave ] Uh-oh! Councilman Gik’s trying to get a peek over here!
Councilman Gik: You know, I’m just gonna go!
Joey Mack: Alright, see you later. Councilman Gik is great, great guy that councilman, I like him a lot. [ Man-in-the-box voice ] I think that guy pooped his paaaants! [ Joey ] Man-in-the-box! Now, wait – Councilman Gik’s coming.. he’s back.. what did he say.. he came back in here, how are you doing? [ Councilman Gik voice ] Uh.. hey, everybody.. I’m Councilman Gik.. I pooped my pants. [ Andrea voice ] Euuuggh, that’s gross! [ Man-in-the-box ] I knew he did it! [ Joey ] Oh, my God! Councilman Gik pooped his pants! That’s crazy! It’s 5:31 in the a.m., we’ll be right back..
Councilman Gik: [ running back in to defend himself ] I did not poop my pants! Is this on?! I did NOT poop my pants!
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Giuliani’s Endorsement AdsSummary: Rudolph Giuliani (Darrell Hammond) pre-records campaign endorsements.
