Category: 2002

02k: Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Joseph Jackson…..Tracy Morgan
Patrick Kelly…..Will Forte
Gunther Kelly…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon. Here are tonight’s top stories.

Yesterday, Attorney General John Ashcroft and Homeland Defense Secretary Tom Ridge officially upgraded the nation to Terror Alert Level Orange. [ SUPER: “Happy Orange Alert!” ] Hey! Happy Orange Alert, everybody!

[ Tina and Jimmy begin dancing to “One Time We’re Going To Celebrate” ]

Tina Fey: In a documentary that aired on “20/20” this Thursday, Michael Jackson discussed his fondness for kids, saying, “I have slept in a bed with many children. I am Peter Pan in my heart.. and Pinocchio in my pants.”

During Thursday night’s interview, Jackson claimed to have had no plastic surgery on his face, except for two nose jobs. But, here at Weekend Update, we have put together a photo compilation of Michael that seems to prove otherwise. Here is Michael today.. [ holds up current photo of Michael Jackson ] This is Michael a year ago.. [ holds up older photo of Michael ] Here is Michael in 1995.. [ holds up photo of LaToya ] This is Michael in ’92.. [ holds up photo of Janet ] Here’s Michael in 1988.. [ holds up photo of Keisha Knight Pulliam ] And, finally, here is Michael as a child. [ holds up photo of basketball player ] You know, maybe we telling the truth, actually.. I don’t know. Oh, and also, we have used computer-generated imagery to hypothesize what Michael will look like ten years from now. Okay, check this out. [ holds up photo of sock puppet with eyes ] He looks pretty good!

A Missouri man has been sentenced to five years in jail for stealing Nicolas Cage’s Porsche. Meanwhile, Cage himself roams the streets unpunished for “Captain Corelli’s Mandalin”.

This week, the Pentagon released a $380 billion military budget for this year, that does not include any money for a war with Iraq. According to Pentagon officials, if President Bush wants a war, he’ll just have to get a summer job and pay for it himself.

After Colin Powell’s presentations to the UN Security Council, showing evidence of Iraqi biological weapons, Baghdad called the satellite photos nothing different than “cartoon films”. They were undoubtedly referring to the popular Iraqi cartoon show “Anthrax the Squirrel and the Mobile Laboratory Fun Bunch”.

Actress Lara Flynn Boyle is reportedly vying for the role of Lois Lane in the newest Superman movie. I don’t know, Lara. Her name is “Lois” Lane, not “Fat Ass” Lane. Hit the treadmill, and we’ll talk.

Tina Fey: [ laughing harder than the audience at Jimmy’s joke ] Since “20/20” aired the Michael Jackson interview Thursday night, there’s been an enormous public response. Here commenting for the first time sicne the interview, is Michael Jackson’s father Joseph Jackson.

Joseph Jackson: Hi, Tina. Hi, Jimmy. Thank you for letting me have my say!

Tina Fey: Mr. Jackson, what did you think about Michael’s interview?

Joseph Jackson: It was riduckalous! Tina, people said I was crazy ’cause I named my son Tito! That freaker dude named his kid blanket! What’s he gonna nae his next kid?! Sleeping bag?!

Tina Fey: So, you don’t approve of the way Michael is raising his children?

Joseph Jackson: It’s riduckalous! Those kids got it too easy! They need to get jobs!

Tina Fey: But the oldest one is only five..

Joseph Jackson: Well, boo-hoo! Let me tell you – all my kids had full-time jobs by the time they were five! And if they didn’t like it.. [ whips his belt off of his pants ] ..they could talk to my belt! I still use my belt on all my kids, except for Marlon ’cause he got a bad back! And not LaToya or Michael, ’cause I swear for God those two scare the bejeezus out of me!

Tina Fey: [ laughing ]

Joseph Jackson: Ooh! One time.. I mean, one time, I was sleeping on my own gold-plated La-Z-Boy chair, LaToya and Michael peeped over the headrest at me, and I thought for a minute I was being attacked by glow-in-the-dark vampire bats! I would like to say, I almost crapped my drawers!

Jimmy Fallon: So, so you did crap your drawers, is that what you’re saying?

Joseph Jackson: Don’t you sass me, Jimmy Fallon! Don’t you do it! I’ll put you over my knee and beat you ’til candy come out!

Tina Fey: Well, uh.. thank you for being here, Mr. Jackson. Thank you..

Joseph Jackson: [ angered ] Don’t you tell me when to leave! I will leave when I damn well feel like leaving! [ a beat ] Now, I feel like leaving now. [ looks offscreen ] Jermaine! Get the car!

Tina Fey: Joe Jackson, everybody.

In Kansas this week, over a hundred fish were found dead in the Baker wetlands, and local environmentalists feared that someone may have deliberately killed them. In response, President Bush said that now we have no choice but to go to war with Iraq.

A man named Russell Cialis is suing a drug company to stop them from naming their new impotency drug Sialis. I just hope he has better luck than Doug and Edna Vagisil.

Jimmy Fallon: Nokia announced this week that it will launch a handheld video game system that’s also a cell phone. Too bad I already beat them to it. [ holds up a cell phone taped to a Playstation 2; it rings, and Jimmy holds it to his ear ] Hello? Yes. Oh, okay. [ hangs up ] Apparently, I’m an idiot.

Crunch Gym is offering a new training program called Meet Your Match, which combines exercise classes with singles dating activities. And you thought you already worked hard not to fart during yoga.

Yesterday, in the Nicauraguan capitol of Managua, boxing promoter Don King was given the key to the city. Then, when the citizens of Managua woke up the next morning, they found that the city was gone.

An Austrailian man won the 26th Annual Empire State Building Run-Up Tuesday, taking just nine-and-a-half minutes to run up the 86 floors to the observation deck. Nobody was more suprised than the handyman caught masturbating on the 73rd floor stairwell.

Tina Fey: President Bush recently unveiled his new tax plan, and it’s very, very complicated. To help make sense of it, please welcome, from H&R Block, Patrick & Gunther Kelly.

Patrick Kelly: Hello, everyone. Uh.. the new tax laws for 2003 include a lot of rule changes. There are cuts for the dividend tax, as well as capital gains. It’s very complex.

Gunther Kelly: With the tax season coming up, as a public service, we’ve composed a little song to help the average American learn everything you need to know about the new tax guidelines. It’s educational, and fun.

Patrick Kelly: So pay attemtion, here’s “The Tax Code Song”! Listen carefully!

[ music plays ]

Gunther Kelly: [ singing ]
Do-do-do-do da do-do-do-do
Do-do-do-do da do-do-do-do
Do-do-do-do do-do-do-do
Uh-oh do-do-do-do da dum!”

Patrick Kelly: [ singing ]
Ahhhhhh-ahhhhhh-ahhhh!
Ahhhhh-ahhhhhhh-ahhhhh…!”

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 15th, 2003

Jennifer Garner

Beck

None

A Message From The President of the United States

President Bush (Chris Parnell) has lost interest in disarming Iraq.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Jennifer Garner’s Monologue

Garner sings “My Funny Valentine” to would-be suitors among male cast members.

Clappin’

On-stage dance craze of clappin’ receives positive audience response.

When The Lights Come Up

Man’s (Jimmy Fallon) date (Garner) looks more pleasing in the dark.

Wake Up Wakefield

Sheldon (Rachel Dratch) receives a surprise at after school Valentine’s Dance.

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Mr. Banglion.

Saddam calls Osama

Saddam Hussein (Horatio Hanz) calls Osama bin Laden (Jimmy Fallon) and rambles.

Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden.

Invitation To Love

Actress (Garner) is frustrated during scene with gayish male lead (Chris Kattan).

Siamese Twins

Roommates (Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan) have date with twins (Garner, Rachel Dratch).

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Burt Bacharach (Jeff Richards) comments on Iraq with rhyming meters.

Tracy Morgan’s Black History rant is interrupted by technical difficulties.

Chris Parnell sings secret-agent rap ditty for Garner.

Beck performs “Lost Cause”

Michael Jackson In A Tree

Liz Taylor (Rachel Dratch) tries to talk Jackson (Amy Poehler) down as UFO lands.

Beck performs “Guess I’m Doin’ Fine”

Wal-Mart Greeters

Greeters (Garner, Amy Poehler) scare customers with descriptions of Wal-Mart’s size.

My Big Thick Novel

Dead cells.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

A Message From The President Of The United States

President George W. Bush…..Chris Parnell

[ open on Presidential Seal ]

Announcer: The following is an address by the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President George W. Bush sitting behind desk in Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. More than a year ago, this administration begin a sustained effort to rid the world, once and for all, of the threat posed by Saddam Hussein and his.. weapons of mass destruction. Throughout this process, as we’ve attempted to use diplomatic means to achieve our goal, we’ve met steady resistance. Not only from the Iraqi regime, but often from our own European allies. But we’ve persisted, because we thought the cause was too important, and the stakes too high to give up.

However, as of early this afternoon, it is no longer this administration’s policy to use diplomatic pressure to force Iraq to disarm. As of that time, this administration has officially lost interest in disarming Iraq. And now no longer cares whether Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction or not. I mean it! [ chuckles ] We just don’t care any more!

Now.. to those who have followed our public statements over the past fourteen months, this shift in policy will probably come as a surprise. But, last night as I was watching Belgium’s ambassador to the U.N. read his statement in response to the second report from the weapons inspectors.. and, in case you missed it, it was a heck of a presentation, a real humdinger! But somethnig he said struck me, and I turned to Colin Powell and Donald Rumsfeld, and I said, “Tell me the truth, guys.. how much do you really care if Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction?” And they told me, “Honestly, Mr. President – and, don’t be angry – but, at this point, we have no strong opinion either way.” “I know exactly what you mean,” I said. So then we called Dick Cheney to get his take, and that was the clincher! He said that, frankly, he’d always liked Iraq, and weapons of mass destruction. But he had backed policy because he wanted to be a team player. So, we all got talking, and.. half-an-hour later, we had a new Iraq policy. Which, basically, came down to the fact that we’re tired of thinknig about Saddma Hussein, and, as far as we’re concerned, he can pretty much do what he wants. We’re still not happy about him having weapons of mass destruction, and, possibly funneling them to terrorist groups.. but, let’s face it – that’s his business, and we’re staying out of it.

Now, of course, if some.. “private” organization, such as Greenpeace or the Red Cross or the Knights of Columbus wants to disarm Iraq.. they are more than welcome. And they can go over there and pressure the Iraqis to give up their weapons of mass destruction – if they actually have them, which, let’s be honest.. we don’t know for sure.

So, then. What’s next for this administration? Obviously, we’ve been focusing pretty much exclusively on Iraq for the last year, so we’ll need to retool. The first order of business is probably a vacation – say five to six months – after which, we can come back fresh, with a whole new agenda. Although, nationally, we will have to deal with the Iraqis, because, I’ll tell you – we’ve got some serious diplomatic fence-mending to do with them. But.. whatever our new agenda involves, I promise you.. we’ll think it through in advance, and, this time, we’ll stick with it.

In closing, I apologize for wasting everyone’s time on Iraq. And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Clappin’

Woman…..Rachel Dratch
Man…..Horatio Sanz

[ commercial parody is interspersed with scenes of the Clappin’ group clapping like wild ]

Announcer: From the producers of Stomp and Blast, it’s Broadway’s hottest new sensation: “Clappin'”!

USA Today calls it the “most groundbreaking theater to come along so far in 2003. Put your hands together for “Clappin'”!”

[ cut to pair of attendees ]

Woman: Usually, I don’t unerstand musicals. But, um.. this is great! Three hours of nothing but clapping!

[ show more scenes of clapping ]

Announcer: The Chicago Tribune calls it “high energy.. loud.. clap-filled.”

You’ll get caught red-handed having a good time! Unlike anything you’ve ever witnessed before. Three hours of non-stop clappin’!

And the finale, representing the clapping style of foreign lands.

[ cut to male attendee ]

Man: Oh, my God, they were amazing! I don’t know how they did it, they were just, like.. [ mimicks skillful clapping moves ]

Announcer: It’s not a play.. it’s not dance.. it’s Clappin’!

At the Charles Street Playhouse. For tickets, call Tele-Charge, or log on to clappintheperformancesensation.com.

Clappin’!

Clappin’! Ohhhh, so good!

SNL Transcripts

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Goodnights

…..Jennifer Garner

Jennifer Garner: We would like to say “Thank you!” to Beck! And thank you all! Happy Valentine’s Day! I had a great time, thank you so much! Goodbye!

SNL Transcripts

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

When The Lights Come Up

Guy…..Jimmy Fallon
Girl…..Jennifer Garner
Girl under light…..Fred Armisen
Bartender…..Seth Meyers
Ernie…..Tracy Morgan
Ernie under light…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on interior, ]

Guy: And then what happened?

Girl: And then.. I looked down.. and I had the wrong dog!

[ they both laugh hysterically ]

Guy: That’s why she wouldn’t say it!

Girl: Yeah!

Guy: Man! It’s so fun hanging out with you! You’re so cool.

Girl: Oh, thanks! So are you.

Bartender: Last call, everybody! Last call!

Girl: [ looks at watch ] Oh, my God, it’s almost four o’clock! I can’t believe we talked this much!

Guy: Let’s go somewhere else! Do you like pancakes?

Girl: I love pancakes!

Guy: Great. I know this place on 15th and 2nd, it’s a great diner.

Girl: Okay!

Guy: Yeah?

Girl: Uh.. you know what kind of pancakes I love?

Bartender: Everybody out!! Here ocme the lights!! [ flips the lights on ]

[ with the lights on in full, Girl doesn’t look as attractive as she did in the semi-dark ]

Girl under light: Blueberry pancakes. But only when they use real blueberries, not like compost.

Guy: [ freaked out by the reality of thesituation ] Gahhhh!! Gahh!

Girl under light: Don’t you hate it when they turn on these lights? I mean, you feel like you’re put so together, and.. suddenly you’re not?

Guy: No, actually.. actually, you look great.. you look great.. [ turns to face the Bartender ] Davie? Can you turn the lights back down, just for a minute, please? Be a guy? Thanks!

Bartender: Fine! [ turns the lights down ]

Guy: Yeah, thanks.

[ with the lights down again, Girl returns to looking attractive ]

Girl: Can we walk it from here?

Guy: Uh.. yes! Real close, 15th at 2nd.

Girl: You know.. gosh.. I never say this, but.. [ sighs ] What if we just got the goodnight kiss over with now, so we can relax?

Guy: Like, in “Annie Hall”?

Girl: [ excited ] That’s my favorite movie!

Guy: Me, too!

Girl: No way!

Guy: Yeah!

Girl: [ a beat ] So, we’re agreed?

Guy: Yeah..

[ they lean in for a kiss ]

Bartender: Take it outside, people! [ flips the lights on again ]

[ once again, Girl doesn’t look as attractive with the lights up as she did in the semi-dark ]

Guy: [ opens his eyes from kiss, noticing the difference made by the lighting ] Gah gah goo! Gahhh!!! [ backs away quick ]

Girl under light: [ happy ] That was so nice.. your lips are so soft.

Guy: Yeah.. yeah.. yeah, I might be more drunk than I thought.. Maybe we should skip the pancakes, and go another time. What do you think?

Girl under light: You sure?

Guy: Yeah.. You-you know what? Hold on a minute.. [ picks up pool cue, and stretches it across the bar so he can flip the lights back off; Girl returns to a state of beauty in the darkened room ]

Girl: Isn’t that guy gonna get mad at you!

Guy: Uh, no.. I’m a regular! [ changes subject ] You’re very pretty.. right?

Girl: Thank you!

Guy: I mean.. I love your, I love your-your pretty face.. I want to hold on to your.. pretty face, until.. until the sun comes..

[ Bartender flips the lights back on, returning Girl to her less than attractive appearance ]

Guy: ..aaaggghhh!! Aaaggghhh, god-damn!

Girl under light: [ swooning ] That’s so romantic..

Guy: Yeah..

Girl under light: [ chipper ] Ready to go?

Guy: Just give me one second, okay? [ rushes to the bar, drinking all the leftover beer from the bottoms of various glasses and steins abandoned across the counter from patrons who’ve already gone home; under the guise of his beer goggles, Girl has returned to her normal, attractive self ]

Girl: [ laughing ] What are you doing!

Guy: [ coughing ] What did you say? [ squints his eyes at Girl, but the excessive lighting returns to the grim reality to his vision ]

Girl under light: I said, what are you doing?!

Guy: Uh.. just goofing around! Uh, you know what, let’s forget that pancakes.. uh.. I know a dark burrito place we can go to.

[ Ernie appears from a darkened corner of the bar, pushing a mop across the floor ]

Ernie: You two get home safe. Good night!

Girl under light: Thank you! Good night!

[ Girl and Guy exit the bar ]

Ernie: [ smiling ] Oh, you know, there ain’t nothin’ like two people in love, right?

Bartender: Yeah. So, uh.. you ready for a little after-hours party, Ernie?

[ Ernie, who has now wandered into a better-lit area of the bar with his mop, now has the appearance of an attractive woman ]

Ernie under light: I sure am.

SNL Transcripts

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Jennifer Garner’s Monologue

…..Jennifer Garner
…..Chris Parnell
…..Chris Kattan
…..Seth Meyers
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Darrell Hammond
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Horatio Sanz

Jennifer Garner: Thank you! Thank you very much, thank you! It is great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. It’s great to be here. This show is so much work! But it’s still less work than “Alias”. I mean, I’ve been on vacation this week! [ laughs ] I didn’t have to kick anyone in the groin the whole week. I mean, I did kick some people in the groin.. but not because I had to. [ Chris Parnell enters, holding a large heart-shaped bx of candy ] Hey, Chris!

Chris Parnell: Hey, Jennifer. Uh.. I just wanted to give this to you, to say, “Thanks for being such an awesome host!” You’re the coolest.

Jennifer Garner: Ohhhh, thank you, that is so sweet! [ takes the gift ] Why didn’t you give his to me yesterday, when it really was Valentine’s Day?

Chris Parnell: [ winks ] Because I wanted to do it on television!

Jennifer Garner: [ laughs ]

[ Chris Kattan enters, carrying a bouquet of roses ]

Chris Kattan: Hey, Jennifer! Happy Valentine’s Day!

Jennifer Garner: Oh, my God! Chris! This is too much!

Chris Kattan: Well.. I have this thing where all the money I used to spend on cocaine, I spend on flowers..

Jennifer Garner: Oh.. well, okay, then..

[ Seth Meyers enters, carrying a tiny heart-shaped box of candy ]

Seth Meyers: Uh.. hey, Jennifer.

Jennifer Garner: Hi, Seth! What’d you bring me?

Seth Meyers: Uh.. [ looks at his tiny gift ] Nothing.. forget it.. Why do I bother?

Jennifer Garner: Come on.. you guys didn’t have to get me anything. I mean.. you know I’m married, right?

Jimmy Fallon: No, I don’t want to hear that! You’re my girlfriend!

Jennifer Garner: Aw, Jimmy.

Darrell Hammond: It’s just that.. it’s just that you’re our favorite host of all time, ever.

[ Tracy Morgan enters, dressed as Cupid ]

Tracy Morgan: I don’t dress up like Cupid for everybody, you know.

Jennifer Garner: [ laughs ] Well, I’ve had a great time working with all of you, too. And.. in fact.. I’ve really been thinking a lot about you guys this week, and.. well, there’s something that I’d like to say to you. But maybe I could say it better through a song. [ music pots up, as Jennifer breaks into song ]

“My fun-ny Valentines.
Sweet com-ic Valentines.
You make me smi-i-i-i-i-ile with my heart..”

[ to Chris Parnell, whose hand has slipped behind Garner’s lower quarters ] Get your hand off my butt, right now!

Chris Parnell: Sorry.. [ removes his hand ]

Jennifer Garner: [ rubs her hands on Will Forte’s face ]
“Your looks.. are laugh-a-ble
Un-photo-graph-able..”

Seriously, how did this guy get on TV?

[ Will Forte frowns; Garner moves on to Fred Armisen ]

“Yet your my fav’rite.. work of art.”

[ mashes her hands in Fred’s face ] A Picasso!

[ to Horatio Sanz ] “Is your figure.. less than Greek?”

Horatio Sanz: Oh, come on!

Jennifer Garner: [ to Chris Kattan ] “Is your mouth.. a little weak?”

Chris Kattan: [ confused ] What does that mean?

Jennifer Garner:
“When you o-pen it.. to speak?
Are you sma-a-a-rt?”

[ moves Kattan’s lips up and down ] No.. I’m.. not.. sma-a-a-a-a-artt!

[ to Jimmy Fallon ] “Don’t change your hair.. for me-e-e-e..”

On second thought, change it – it looks like you combed your hair with your foot!

[ rubs Tracy Morgan’s face ]
“Not if you.. care for me-e-e-e.”
Stay, little Val-en-tine
Sta-a-a-a-a-a-yyyyy!”

Tracy Morgan: You make me feel like the Lion King!

Jennifer Garner:
“Each day is Val-en-ti-i-i-i-ine’s Da-a-a-a-a-ayyy!”

Thanks, guys! Thanks, Valentines! We’ve got a great show tonight, Beck is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

My Big Thick Novel

Jack Handy V/O:

Chapter 490

“When I looked into the microscope, I couldn’t believe my eyes. The deadly, dangerous germs I had been studying were dead, all dead. Now, how was I going to study them, and find a cure for them? Whoever or whatever had killed them was going to be in big trouble.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12

02l: Jennifer Garner /Beck

Saddam calls Osama

Saddam Hussein….Horatio Sanz
Osama Bin Laden….Jimmy Fallon
Terrorist….Fred Armisen

[Opens with a cave. Inside the cave a terrorist hands a mobile phone to Osama.]

Terrorist: For you, sir.

Osama bin Laden: Hello? Hello?

Girlie voice: Um, hello! Pizza delivery for Mr. Bin Laden!

Osama bin Laden: What?

Girlie voice: Uh, I have order for 100 pizzas!

Osama bin Laden: 100 pizzas?! I did not order 100—I will not pay for these pizzas!

Saddam Hussein: Ha ha ha! I’m kidding! It’s me Saddam!

Osama bin Laden: Holy crap! Do not do this to me, man!

Saddam Hussein: I had you going though!

Osama bin Laden: Saddam, what’s up? You calling just to bust my balls or what?

Saddam Hussein: Oh, man! No, no, no. That’s not why I’m calling. Listen, I got to say, man. Get off my jock, bro’! Oh, man! You got to lay off me! With the tapes and the speeches saying I’m an infidel, people should rise up against me? Come on, guy! That’s not cool!

Osama bin Laden: I knew this was coming.

Saddam Hussein: Oh, it is coming!

Osama bin Laden: [mocking] It is coming?

Saddam Hussein: Yeah, I mean, give me a break, bro’! I got these U.N. inspectors cramming up my style 24/7! I got George W. Bush so far up my ass I’m tasting brill cream, bro’! Hey, man, word to the wise, man. Don’t ever try to kill that guy’s dad. Boy, whooo….he takes it personal.

Osama bin Laden: Serious, serious…

Saddam Hussein: Yeah, listen Osama…

Osama bin Laden: Yeah, I will listen, it’s a phone. What? Do you want me to look?

Saddam Hussein: What are you talking about, man?

Osama bin Laden: Never mind. Its a joke.

Saddam Hussein: Take it down a notch. Last thing I need is one of my bros coming down on me. Come on, I know we’re not close but…jeez louise!

Osama bin Laden: Hey, Saddam! What’s this? [rubs his fingers together] Well, you really can’t see cause we’re on the phone but it’s…I’m rubbing my fingers together, its the world’s smallest violin.

Saddam Hussein: What?

Osama bin Laden: Its a joke.

Saddam Hussein: I don’t get it.

Osama bin Laden: The point is cut me some slack, jack! I’m giving speech trying to rally up the boys! I do what I have to do, man! You think I got it easy? I’ve been living in a friggin cave for 2 years! I got permanent cave ass over here!

Terrorist: Who is it?

Osama bin Laden: Its Saddam. He’s upset about the tape.

Terrorist: Awkward.

Osama bin Laden: Look Saddam, I didn’t say you were evil. I said you were the lesser of 2 evils. I still hate the United States.

Saddam Hussein: I still hate the United States too. I mean, that’s my point. I’m just saying, leave me out of the tapes, man! Jeez, you release more tapes than “Steely Dan”!

Osama bin Laden: Really? You gonna go with “Steely Dan” on that one?

Saddam Hussein: Yeah man…they put out a lot of records.

Osama bin Laden: I don’t get it. Why?

Saddam Hussein: What?

Osama bin Laden: Never mind. What do you want?

Saddam Hussein: I told you, man!

Osama bin Laden: What?!

Saddam Hussein: Listen—

Osama bin Laden: I will listen! It’s a phone! It’s a joke.

Saddam Hussein: Take it easy, ok? You used it twice now. I’m not saying that you need to come to dinner at my house. I mean, if you did, I’ll have you killed.

Osama bin Laden: Oh, no. Believe me. I’ll try to kill you, bro’!

Saddam Hussein: You would. I know. [hearty laugh]

Osama bin Laden: I love your laugh, Saddam.

Saddam Hussein: Thank you.

Osama bin Laden: Sounds like a cartoon character. Hey, Saddam look, I’ll be honest with you. The point is Bush is trying to link us in the press. Saying my people is in cahoots with your people. I mean, frankly is bad for my rep, you know. I’m not saying you’re old news but last time you did anything big I was wearing acid wash jeans and a members only jacket.

Saddam Hussein: Hey, trust me, man.

Osama bin Laden: What?

Saddam Hussein: It’s no picnic over here either. You think being linked to you in the papers is a good deal? No offense man, but you’re some kind of deep fried nutball. You scare me, man! And I’m Saddam Freaking Hussein!

Osama bin Laden: I’m sorry I screwed up your week, man. But how about we just agree that I’ll do my thing and you’ll do your thing.

Saddam Hussein: Sounds good. Ok. Hey, give me a call when you’re in town.

Osama bin Laden: I will not do that.

Saddam Hussein: I didn’t think you would. So long!

Osama bin Laden: Bye-bye, buddy!

Saddam Hussein: Bye![hangs up]

Terrorist: How did it go?

Osama bin Laden: Hey, how many albums did “Steely Dan” release?

Terrorist: Ok, you’re counting “Best of”?

Osama bin Laden: No.

Terrorist: 12. Why?

Osama bin Laden: Forget it.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Michael Jackson In A Tree

Michael Jackson…..Amy Poehler
Liz Taylor…..Rachel Dratch
Lisa Marie Presley…..Jennifer Garner
Michael 7…..Dean Edwards

Announcer: And now, back to “Michael Jackson in a Tree.”

Michael Jackson: Oh, tree! Oh wonderful, funderful, special, secret tree! Why don’t people understand me? Everyone hates me! You’re my last friend, my best friend, my special tree! I love you, tree!

[Elizabeth Taylor climbs up into the tree.]

Liz Taylor: Michael! Michael! It’s me, Elizabeth Taylor!

Michael Jackson: Liz! Oh, Liz! Look, secret tree! It’s our very dear friend, Elizabeth Taylor!

Liz Taylor: Michael, I’m speaking to you as a friend! You have to get down from this tree!

Michael Jackson: But why? You need a date for the Oscars, Liz? Oh, tree! We’re going to the 75th annual Oscars! What a night that’ll be! Bodyguards, a hooded outfit, a new face! I can hardly wait! I’ll pick you up in a go-cart, Liz!

Liz Taylor: You’re not listening to me!

Michael Jackson: White diamonds!

Liz Taylor: Ha, ha, ha! Yes, Michael, white diamonds. Now pay attention, darling! People think you’re a weirdo!

Michael Jackson: I know why too, Liz! It’s because I like water balloons, isn’t it?

Liz Taylor: No, dear, it’s not that.

Michael Jackson: What?

Liz Taylor: I think it’s more the way you put masks on your kids.

Michael Jackson: What?

Liz Taylor: The way you let boys sleep in your bed!

Michael Jackson: What?

Liz Taylor: Calling a child “Blanket.”

Michael Jackson: What?

Liz Taylor: Paying millions of dollars for crap you can get for nothing at the Bombay Company!

Michael Jackson: You can?

Liz Taylor: Having mysterious babies!

Michael Jackson: No, please, please! Stop talking! Tree, tell her to stop talking! She doesn’t understand!

[Lisa Marie Presley climbs into the tree.]

Lisa Marie Presley: Michael! Michael!

Michael Jackson: Who is it?

Liz Taylor: What on earth?

Michael Jackson: Oh look, tree! It’s my wife, Lisa Marie! My wife! I married her!

Lisa Marie Presley: Michael.

Michael Jackson: Lizzy, do you remember when I kissed my wife?

Liz Taylor: Yes, dear.

Lisa Marie Presley: Michael, we’re not married anymore.

Michael Jackson: Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t live with ’em.

Lisa Marie Presley: Michael, I’m not like you. I’m a normal person.

Michael Jackson: I’m normal, too!

Liz Taylor: I’m not normal!

Lisa Marie Presley: I knew this was a bad idea! You freaks will never change! Here!

[Lisa hands them envelopes.]

Michael Jackson: What’s this?

Lisa Marie Presley: It’s a written invitation! I’m getting married to OJ Simpson! Liza’ll be there, Tawny Kitaen, and fifty Elvis impersonators! See ya!

Michael Jackson: Tawny Kitaen! I love her! Did you hear that, Liz? She thinks I’m a freak! Doesn’t anyone on this earth understand me? Everybody hates me, except the tree! I’m not some monster! Maybe I should just disappear!

Liz Taylor: Look, up there! A spaceship!

[We see a tiny little fake tree, with Liz and Michael dolls sitting on it. A spaceship lands next to it.]

Liz Taylor: Jackson! We’re being invaded by Jacksons!

Michael Jackson: Oh, I’m embarrassed! Me? No – ow, no!

[Three Jacksons walk out.]

Michael 7: Don’t cry, Michael. It’s me, Michael 7. We on Michael Analarius have been watching you and your Earth friends.

Michael Jackson: I don’t have any friends!

Michael 7: No, Michael, it’s not that they’re not your friends. It’s just they are not ready for you yet. They know not of love and compassion. All they know is hate and war. They only want to laugh at the weak, and they lack the courage to challenge those in power. Even now, in a world full of fear and the threat of war they would rather laugh at your beautiful face. Come, Michael. We shall leave these Earthlings until they are ready to grow up. Say good-bye.

Michael Jackson: You’re silly! Can I take Liz Taylor?

Michael 7: No, Liz has a planet of her own. Say good-bye Michael.

Michael Jackson: Good-bye tree! Bye Liz! [rubs her face]

Lizbeth Taylor: Ahh!

Michael Jackson: Bye Neverland! Bye moon! Bye snow cones! Bye babies! Bye grandma! Bye watch! Bye Quincy Jones! Bye Elephant Man!

Michael 7: Okay, Michael, we’re running out of time. We’ll say bye later.

Michael Jackson: BYE EARTH!

[the spaceship takes off]

Michael Jackson: Bye milk! Bye blender! Bye Captain Hornblower! Bye salt! Bye earth! Bye club!

Elizabeth Taylor: Bye Michael! Have fun in space!

Thanks to Leadcrow90 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts