Category: 2002

02j: Ray Liotta / The Donnas

The Hangman

The Hangman…..Ray Liotta
Bart…..Will Forte
Bart’s Wife…..Amy Poehler
Grandma…..Rachel Dratch

Jingle:
“He protects the region
No honest man should fear him
He’s swift to call for justice, he is..
The Hangman.”

Anouncer: “The Hangman”! In color!

[ dissolve to close-up on Hangman’s noose. camera pans to reveal Hangman speaking to criminal Bart from outside Bart’s cell ]

The Hangman: This could be your last meal, so enjoy it. When it comes sunrise, you belong to me.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman!

Bart: Don’t you worry. My family will figure out some way to come up with the money.

The Hangman: For your sake, they’d better!

Bart: Oh, they won’t let me down.. I just know it.

[ Bart’s Wife and Grandma enter ]

Bart’s Wife: Well, Bart.. we couldn’t raise the money. I fear tomorrow morning, you belong to.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman!

Grandma: It’s not over, child! The Lord will show us the way out of this dark valley.

Bart’s Wife: I hope you’re right, Grandma.

Bart: Please, Hangman.. I don’t want to die. I only stole that cow so I could get some milk for my younguns.

The Hangman: Well, I’m sorry, son. That cow belongs to Col. Blackstone, and he’s a mighty powerful man in these parts.

Bart’s Wife: But Col. Blackstone doesn’t deal out the justice in Stone Canyon. You do, Hangman. Isn’t there anything you can do?

Bart: Isn’t there anything you want?

The Hangman: Could you ladies excuse us for a second? [ the women exit ] I need to set you straight, partner! You don’t try to bribe.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman!

Bart: I’m sorry.. I-

The Hangman: I want you to hear something, and I want you to hear it good! I am.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman! Justice is my creed, and justice is my way of life!

Bart: I-I understand-

The Hangman: On the other hand.. I am incredibly horny! So.. maybe we could work something out, if ya.. get my drift.

Bart: [ unsteady ] I.. never made it with.. another man.. but I guess-

The Hangman: Whoa, whoa, whoa! not you, homo! I’m talking about that fine lady you brought with you.

Bart: Hangman, I don’t want to die. But my marriage is a sacred thing. I’m not sure my wife could ever forgive me if I asked her to lay with you..

The Hangman: A-gain! you’re getting waaay ahead of me! I am not a homewrecker! I don’t want you wife. [ a beat ] I want your grandma! [ laughs ]

Bart: Aw, man! That’s gross!

The Hangman: You’re not in a position to judge! I mean, what’s the big deal? I’s like the gray foxes! [ laughs sadistically ]

Bart: Come on, man! She’s 82!

The Hangman: 82 years.. young.

Bart: That didn’t make it sound better! You still want to have sex with my grandma!

The Hangman: It’s either that, or you swing from the gallows!

Bart: [ shaking head ] Oh.. I gotta talk to my wife about this.. Katie! Come here!

[ Bart’s Wife re-enters ]

Bart’s Wife: What is it, Bart?

Bart: Well.. the Hangman’s willing to let me go.. in exchange for sexual favors..

Bart’s Wife: [ willing without question ] Alright, Hangman! You’re in for the ride of your life!

Bart: [ outraged at her willingness ] Keep your bloomers on, Katie!

Bart’s Wife: I know it’s a big sacrifice.. but if he’s willing to let you go, I’ll do him and his buddies!

Bart: Wait! Who-who said anything about his buddies?! Hey, he doesn’t want you! He wants Grandma!

Bart’s Wife: [ now turned off ] Well, that’s gross! Hangman, please.

The Hangman: What?!

Bart’s Wife: Come on, you’re like 30! And she’s 82! And a ripe 82, at that! It’s not normal!

The Hangman: It’s more common than you think. Late at night, I get on the telegraph.. a lot of people are into older ladies! [ changes subject ] Anyway! That’s the only way Bart goes free!

Bart: [ relunctant ] Katie, she’s, uh.. your grandma.. so, uh.. maybe you should ask her?

Bart’s Wife: I am not gonna ask my Grandma to bone the Hangman!

Bart: Fine! Fine! I’ll ask her! Grandma, come here! [ Grandma re-enters ] The Hangman said he would let me go.

Grandma: [ relieved ] I knew the Lord would save you!

Bart: Not so quick, Grandma.. there’s a catch. You see, uh.. he wants to, uh.. how do I put this, uh.. I can’t really say this out loud.. He wants to.. [ bends over and whispers in Grandma’s ear ]

Grandma: What? Huh? Posse?! I don’t have a posse! What?!

The Hangman: Let me tell her! Ma’am, I’ll let Bart go if you agree.. to make love with me.

Grandma: [ turned off ] Oh, that’s gross! Come on! I’m 82!

Bart’s Wife: [ being helpful ] I could wear a grey wig, soak in the tub and get all pruny!

Bart: Katie!

Bart’s Wife: What?!

The Hangman: That won’t do! Grandma, you are the only thing that can save Bart from the noose!

Grandma: [ giving in ] Fine! I’ll do it! I gotta worn ya – last time I did this, I broke my hip!

[ Hangman and Grandma exit to back room ]

Bart: I feel terrible for putting Grandma through that, but, uh..

[ Hangman and Grandma re-enter ]

The Hangman: Ohhhhh, I couldn’t go through with it! You’re good country people.. so I’m gonna let you go free, and stay true to the Hangman’s Code!

Grandma: Hangman’s Code? Please! I unbuttoned his pants, and Quickdraw McGraw here was done!

The Hangman: It doesn’t matter, the reason! I’m letting you go, Bart! [ opens up cell ]

Bart: Hangman, I think you need some help.

The Hangman: Leave, before I change my mind! And don’t be telling everybody about this! I have a reputation to maintain! After all, I am.. [ music sting ] ..The Hangman!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02j: Ray Liotta / The Donnas

Live with Regis & Kelly

Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond
Kelly Ripa…..Amy Poehler
Gelman…..Chris Kattan
David Caruso…..Ray Liotta

Announcer: It’s “Live with Regis & Kelly”! Today, we’ve got the star of the hit CBS drama “CSI Miami, David Caruso; from Broadway’s “Man of La Mancha”, Brian Stokes Mitchell; plus: Wild, Wild Travel Trivia. Now, here are Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa!

[ Regis and Kelly enters set and take their seats ]

Kelly Ripa: Morning!

Regis Philbin: Well, well, well, good morning, everybody! Let me start off-

Kelly Ripa: [ interrupting ] Good morning, what a great day, it’s snowing!

Regis Philbin: [ tries again ] A dear friend of mine-

Kelly Ripa: Don’t you love it when it snows in New York? It’s so romantic!

Regis Philbin: [ makes another stab at his story ] ..And a friend of mine is in the audience today. I’ve known him for over forty years.

Kelly Ripa: Wowwww.. I haven’t known anybody for four years!

Regis Philbin: [ tries again ] He calls me up one night around dinner time-

Kelly Ripa: Oh, like a telemarketer! Why do they always call at dinner time? Regis! Did you think he was a telemarketer?

Regis Philbin: [ stunned ] Anyway, let me tell you. The phone rings, I see the Caller ID – do you have this on, do you have the Caller ID? It’s terrific!

Kelly Ripa: Yeah, you can use it to screen your calls.

Regis Philbin: Oh. [ begins his spiel, as Kelly talks amongst herself next to him ] The Caller ID says “Chester Lesko. I dn’t recognize the name, so I don’t answer it! That’s the kind of guy I am! I know he’s my friend, I’ve known him for forty years! But I know him as “Chicky”! I know him as Chicky Lesko! All my life, I thought his name was Chicky! I thought it was his real name! Anyway, he’s here today – so wonderful!

Alright. Now, I understand you brought some new pictures of the kiddies to show us.

Kelly Ripa: Yes. This is 16-month old..

Regis Philbin: Adorable!

Kelly Ripa: This is my 11-month old..

Regis Philbin: Adorable!

Kelly Ripa: This is my 7-month old..

Regis Philbin: So cute!

Kelly Ripa: And this is my 3-month old, she’s a wittle peanut!

Regis Philbin: Adorable! Oh, boy! [ points to Kelly’s pregnant stomach ] And when is this one due again?

Kelly Ripa: This one’s due any time now, and we found out this weekend that there’s one in there behind it that’s due in July!

Regis Philbin: She’s very fertile, this one! She’s delivered more babies than Dr. Kildare!

Kelly Ripa: [ laughing ] Who is that! Is that your doctor! [ laughs ]

Regis Philbin: Anyway.. how are you today, Gelman?

[ cut to Gelman standing in front of camera, wrapped in a feather boa ]

Gelman: I’m great, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Gelman! How was your weekend?

Gelman: Fine. My wife and I had dinner at Pestiff’s. Uh.. then I went to out a few clubs of my own, so..

Regis Philbin: That’s terrific! Now, who’s our first guest today, Gelman?

Gelman: David Caruso.

Kelly Ripa: Ah! He was so good in “Jade”!

Regis Philbin: And “NYPD Blue” and “CSI”. boy, he’s got real charisma, this guy. He’s a regular James Cagney!

Kelly Ripa: Who is that! Nobody knows who that is, Reege!

Regis Philbin: [ stunned ] Please welcome.. David Caruso!

[ David Caruso comes out and sits ]

David Caruso: Morning! Morning!

Regis Philbin: Boy, oh boy, oh boy.. “CSI Miami” is back. You are hot, baby, you are on top!

Kelly Ripa: You are so believable on that show! [ to Regis ] Isn’t he believable?

David Caruso: [ humbly, yet annoyed ] Thank you. I feel very fortunate to have a project that was worthy of me.

Kelly Ripa: Like “Jade”! “Jade”.

Regis Philbin: Now, for those of you who don’t remember.. David was very popular on “NYPD Blue”. But he said, “I’m getting out of here. I’m too big for this,” and you left. You lerned your lesson, ’cause you were out of work for years! Ka-poot!

David Caruso: Actually, I made some films during that time, that I’m very, very proud of. “Cold Around The Heart”.. “Body Count”..

Regis Philbin: Nobody saw it!

David Caruso: A film called “Swirly”.

Regis Philbin: Nobody saw it!

David Caruso: “Deadlock”.

Regis Philbin: Nobody!

Kelly Ripa: I saw it. I didn’t like it! [ laughs at her inanity ]

Regis Philbin: But now you’re back, David – boy, with “CSI Miami”.. and, David, I gotta ask you, why did you fire Kim Delaney?

David Caruso: I didn’t fire her, Regis. Sometimes when a show is new, it takes time to find the right balance between me, the main character, and the other talking meat sticks.

Regis Philbin: You hated her guts, didn’t you, David?

David Caruso: No, not at all.

Regis Philbin: You got rid of her.

David Caruso: No, no, no.. the producers felt that-

Regis Philbin: How do you do it, David? When you have a co-host that drive you nuts, how do you get rid of her?!

Kelly Ripa: [ catching on, laughing ] Re-gis!

Regis Philbin: I mean, after fifty years in the business.. who do I have to schtuck to get my own show?!

David Caruso: It’ll come, it’ll come.. you have to trust your talent.

Regis Philbin: Tell me, Gelman – Gelman! Who do I have to schtuck?!

Gelman: [ chuckling, shakes head ] Don’t look at me, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Anyway.. Joy and I had Jerry and Elaine over for breakfast the other day – it was nothing fancy, just some Egg Beaters, some toast with Smart Balance.. and Big Jerry Orbach – you know, he’s tall – he said to me that he wanted-

[ in the middle of Regis’ story, Kelly suddenly gives birth to one of the children she was carrying in her stomach ]

Kelly Ripa: Ohhhh, it’s a boy! [ to her stomach ] You have a brother! [ baby is taken away ]

Regis Philbin: There goes my story! I’m trying to tell a story, she’s squeezing one out over here! [ to audience ] When we come back: Wild, Wild, Wild Trivia! David, do you like trivia?

David Caruso: [ fuming ] No.

Regis Philbin: That’s terrific! Join us, for trivia!

[ show fades ]

SNL Transcripts

02j: Ray Liotta / The Donnas

Ray Liotta’s Monologue

…..Ray Liotta
…..Jimmy Fallon

Ray Liotta: Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you very much, thank you very much! I gotta say, this week has been such a great experience! I mean, everyone here, they work so hard, it’s 24 hours ’round the clock, it’s up all night, it’s amazing, it is so cool! I’ve been hanging out with the entire cast the whole time – especially my man Jimmy! [ laughs ] Where is he? Where is he? [ looks to his right ] Hey! Jim-my! Jimmy Fallon! [ runs off-camera and pulls Jimmy Fallon into the shot ]

Jimmy Fallon: [ relunctant to join Liotta onstage ] How are ya’? Yeah, I gotta get going..

Ray Liotta: Man, we had fun last night, didn’t we?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah.. yeah, right..

Ray Liotta: You left early, where’d you go?

Jimmy Fallon: It was 8 a.m. I went to sleep.

Ray Liotta: No, you didn’t! I waited for you in your apartment.

Jimmy Fallon: You were in my apartment?

Ray Liotta: Yeah, yeah! I busted the lock!

Jimmy Fallon: Sheesh..

Ray Liotta: I was waiting for you ’til, like, noon!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah..

Ray Liotta: That’s a pretty long time to wait!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I really gotta get going, Ray..

Ray Liotta: Okay, Jimbo. I’ll see you later. Hey! Have a good game!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. [ exits stage ]

Ray Liotta: You know what? I’m gonna get to know you people, too. We’re gonna be best friends. Just like me.. and Jimmy Fallon. Because I’m.. [ singing ] ..”Getting to know you.. getting to know al about you..” Hi! “Getting to like you.. getting to hope you like me.” [ approaches Tracy Morgan and Chris Kattan near a staircase set in the studio ] Ah! Tracy and Kattan – hey! What’s up, guys!

[ Tracy Morgan and Chris Kattan flee the stage ]

Whoa! Alright, catch you guys later! You know, this is fun. You know why? Because I’m.. [ singing as he walks up stairs set to audience ] ..”Getting to know you.. putting it my way, but nicely.. you are precisely, my cup of tea.” [ is now standing amongst the upper-level audience members ] Look at all these people, these great people! Hi-i-iii! [ turns to woman ] Hi, where are you from?

Woman in Audience: Um.. I’m from North Carolina.

Ray Liotta: That’s great! I’m from New Jersey!

Man in Audience: [ interrupting ] I’m from New Jersey, too!

Ray Liotta: [ angered, music stops ] Sir.. was I talking to you? Huh? Did I say one word to you?

Man in Audience: N-no-o..

Ray Liotta: Sooo, you should not talk. right, sir? right? Is that clear?

Man in Audience: I.. I-I’m sorry..

Ray Liotta: I said.. don’t talk! Okay! Now, everybody – I want everybody to sing with me! I mean this, okay! And.. [ singing ] ..”Getting to know you.. getting to know all about you. Getting to like you.. getting to hope you like me!” [ stops ] You know what? Jimmy. We gotta get Jimmy! Jimmy would love this! My friend Jimmy Fallon! Where’s my friend Jimmy Fallon?! Now, listen to me: when he cems out, everybody’s gotta sing even louder! Okay! Liuder, alright? Let me go find him!

[ Liotta runs back down to the first level, and searches backstage for Jimmy ]

Jimmy! Jimmy, where- oh, he’s probably in our favorite place! [ pulls back quick-dress curtain to reveal a laughing Jimmy Fallon ] Jimmy! Come on! Listen, everyone’s gonna sing here for us, okay?

Jimmy Fallon: Oh.. okay..

Ray Liotta: Ready? Everybody! And.. [ singing ] “Getting to know you.. getting to know all a-“ Come on! Come on! Sing!! “Getting to like you.. getting to hope you like me..” Shhhh.. “Haven’t you noticed.. suddenly I’m bright and bree-eezy. Because of.. all.. the.. beautiful and new.. things.. I’m.. learning about you.. dayyyy.. byyyy.. dayyyy..”

We’ve got a great show! The Donnas are here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

Jimmy Fallon: [ excitedly ] He’s the best, we love him!

Ray Liotta: Shut up! [ punches Jimmy Fallon, knocks him to the ground ]

SNL Transcripts

02j: Ray Liotta / The Donnas

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Tim Calhoun…..Will Forte
…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

President Bush announced Wednesday that his administration would challenge an affirmative action program at the University of Michigan, calling it “fundamentally flawed.” It’s nice to know that, while juggling Iraq, North Korea and economic reform, the President still has time to stick it to the black man. Happy Martin Luther King Day, everybody!

Playboy is looking for women to star in a Girls of Starbuck pictorial. Ideally, they’re looking for vente girls with grande breasts.

It was reported that, while shooting the film “Gangs of New York”, actor Daniel Day-Lewis got into character as a violent murderer by listening to Eminem music. In a related story, Jerry O’Connell got into character for “Kangaroo Jack” by not saving any of the money he made on previous jobs.

[ show picture of former AOL-Time Warner chairman ]
Welcome. You got fired!

The MTA will hold hearings next month to discuss ending the use of subway tokens in New York. Apparently, the only joy MTA workers get is watching people incorrectly swipe a metro card and then slam their groins into the turnstile. Sick people, they’re sick people!

Tina Fey: Guy Ritchie said in an interview this week that he and wife Madonna have not watched television in three years, to avoid seeing any unpleasant news stories about themselves. They have also stopped going to Walgreens, to avoid seeing “Swept Away” in the video bean- bin! In the video bin, between the chocolate Easter bunnies and the itch cream. I tripped on it a little bit, but it’s just a mean joke about Madonna! They won’t see it, they don’t watch TV!

Jimmy Fallon: This past Monday, Sen. Joe Lieberman announced his candidacy for the 2004 Presidential election. And, today, another high-profile politician announced that he’s running as well. Please welcome Tim Calhoun, everybody.

Tim Calhoun: I am Tim Calhoun.. and I am running for the office of President of America. You’re probably wondering why I, Tim Calhoun, should be next President of America.. and that is why I am going to tell you why I, Tim Calhoun, should be next President of America. I’ve got a lot of great ideas.

I propose a little more California, and a little less Mexico.

When’s there going to be a China person on the Supreme Court? I propose.. never.

I say we ask France if they want to trade the Eiffel Tower for the Grand Canyon.. but after they send us the Eiffel Tower, we don’t send them the Grand Canyon.

Horsey sex is bad. I want to make a law against that. Horseys are for riding.

Blind people think they’re so cool.

[ checking his note cards ]

I miss dinosaurs. Let’s do something about that.

In conclusion, and in summary, vote for me, Tim Calhoun, and I’ll turn unemployment into a shiny diamond.

Jimmy Fallon: Tim Calhoun for President, everybody! Good luck to you, buddy!

Tina Fey: A new solution to menstrual cramps, on the market, is Vipon, a vibrating, motorized tampon that shakes with a comforting frequency – unless you anger it. Then, Vipon go crazy, smash uterus!

Jimmy Fallon: A study reveals that dogs catching a frisbee use the same instinctive arithmetic as outfielders when they catch a fly ball.

Tina Fey: Bitch! I told you “Air Bud 2” was real!

Jimmy Fallon: Woman! It’s a movie!

Joan Rivers will not face charges for an incident in which she assaulted a clerk at a car rental agency. Rivers was so relieved by the news, she immediately scheduled an operation to have a smile installed.

This week, actor Tom Cruise was awarded $10 million in his lawsuit against a gay porn star, who claimed that they had a sexual encounter. The gay porn star could not be reached for comment because his mouth was very busy trying to earn $10 million.

Because they are sluggish and no longer amuse the public, a number of middle age chimpanzees in a German zoo are being sent to earlier retirement. Zoo officials said they knew the chimps were slowing down, when they started throwing their poop underhand.

Tina Fey: This week, the Bush administration filed two briefs with the Supreme Court. They claim that affirmative action programs at the University of Michigan were actually nothing more than racial quota systems in disguise, and were unconstitutional. Here to share his own views on affirmative action, is our own Tracy Morgan.

[ Tracy Morgan scoots up behind desk, dressed to the hilt like a Pimp Daddy ]

Tracy Morgan: Yup! Well, that’s the end of that! Don’t tell me you don’t know what I’m talking about, Jimmy and Tina Fey! Right after the President came out against affirmative action, I noticed I wasn’t in any sketches this week! ME!! Tracy Morgan! The STAR of this show!! Now, how do you explain that, Jim?!

Jimmy Fallon: I.. you didn’t really have a funny sketch this week..

Tracy Morgan: [ laughs ] I love you, Jim Fallon.. but you are one blind dude! Tina know! ‘Cause she was in on it! It was her, and lorne Michaels – they against affirmative action!

Tina Fey: Ah, ah.. no, Tracy.. I firmly stand behind affirmative action. I just think that in this case..

Tracy Morgan: Ah, nah! Don’t try your Jedi mind trick on me, Tina! You see, I’m a Jedi Master! I’m not gonna be the Connie Rice of this show! Did you see that, Jim?! Did you see where Bush and Cheney and Tina Fey tried to pull sweet, sweet Condi into this whole mess!

Jimmy Fallon: A little bit..

Tracy Morgan: She wasn’t with him, Jim!

Jimmy Fallon: Nope..

Tracy Morgan: She came out today! To-day! And she says she ain’t havin’ none of them! Yo, Con-di! Con-di! You know me, baby. It’s Big Tray from the group home. [ singing ] “Do you remember the time.. we fell in love? Do you remember the time.. when we first met, gi-irl?”

Tina Fey: He’s singing Michael Jackson..

Tracy Morgan: Condoleeza! I know you remember me! Girl! Yuo gotta hollar at your boy Bush – set him straight! Once you talk to him.. Tina, Lorne, they gonna fall in line! And I’ll be back, heavy on the show! You know what I’m sayin’? Handle your business, girl! Hit me on the cellular! Peace in the Middle East, I’m out!

Tina Fey: Tracy Morgan, everybody!
,br>[ Tracy scoots away, off the set ]

Is he gone?

Jimmy Fallon: How did he find out?

Tina Fey: I don’t know.. I didn’t tell him.

Jimmy Fallon: Probably Bill Gates told him..

Tina Fey: Maybe Lorne told himm.. hmm..

[ moving on to final joke ]

Jimmy Fallon: Castaway Travels is offering a vacation package that includes a clothes-free night.. uh.. clothes-free flight, from Miami.. uh, let me start this over.

Tina Fey: Start over!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah! Alright, here we go.. this is gonna be great! Act surprised!

Castaway Travels is offering a vacation package that includes a clothes-free flight from Miami to Cancun. Good God, that’s a huge set-up there.

Tina Fey: Wait. A naked airline? Are you thinking what I’m thinking.

Jimmy Fallon: That’s right, Tina. I think it’s time for a Weekend Update Joke-Off.

[ festive music plays, show title card ]

Okay, okay.. there’s an airline where all the passenger are naked! Ready? go! Uh.. more nuts? Yes! how did you know? [ slaps buzzer ]

Tina Fey: Uh.. uh.. Careful! Your bags may have shifted during the flight! [ slaps buzzer ]

Jimmy Fallon: Ladies and gentlemen, if you’ll look to your right, you’ll see some grand canyons! [ slaps buzzer ]

Tina Fey: Uh.. for the last time, Ma’am: vibrators are not an approved electronic device! [ slaps buzzer ]

Jimmy Fallon: Uh.. this is the only plane that has fourteen cockpits! [ slaps buzzer ]

Tina Fey: Uh.. uh.. we’re about to land, please put your genitals in the upright and locked position! [ slaps buzzer ]

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, Tina Fey wins! With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 8th, 2003

Matthew McConaughey

Dixie Chicks

None

U.N. Security Session

U.N. delegates plot hijinks during session with Colin Powell (Darrell Hammond).

Matthew McConaughey’s Monologue

McConaughey smokes pot in dressing room while looking for old photo.

Blind Date

While on date, man (McConaughey) is bad guesser of woman’s (Rachel Dratch) stats.

Nutri-Quick

(Repeat) See: 10/05/02.

Jarret’s Room

33-year old Sophomore (McConaughey) enjoys the lasting college life.

Recurring Characters: Jarret, Goby, DJ Jonathan Feinstein, Jeff.

Anti-War Rally

Demonstrator (McConaughey) can’t assemble an organized crowd for protest.

The Dixie Chicks perform “Traveling Soldier”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Joe Jackson (Tracy Morgan) comments on how Michael raises children.

Patrick (Will Forte) & Gunther Kelly (Fred Armisen) sing tax-help song.

Clubb Traxx

Eurotrash singer Chrome (McConaughey) delights anti-war teen music enthusiasts.

Office Stories

Rowdy (McConaughey) uses office schlep (Chris Kattan) to illustrate his bar stories.

Second Time Around

Glenda Goodwin (Maya Rudolph) interviews pyramid schemer (McConaughey).

Recurring Characters: Glenda Goodwin.

The Dixie Chicks perform “Sin Wagon”

Matthew McConaughey’s Red Hot Texas Chili

McConaughey’s chili recipe gives him problem with gas.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

02k: Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks

Blind Date

Barton…..Matthew McConaughey
Jolie…..Rachel Dratch

Jolie: So, um.. so you do mostly watercolors.

Barton: Mmm.. I do, uh.. watercolors

Jolie: Oh.

Barton: Everything except fingerpaint.

Jolie: Oh! [ laughs ]

Barton: Uhh.. you know, Jolie, I gotta tell ya.. for a blind date, I think this is going really well.

Jolie: [ laughs ] I know! No awkward pauses!

[ they both laugh at the joke, leaving themselves wide open for a short pause ]

Barton: Oops! There’s one right there! [ they laugh again ] Just kidding! Just kidding!

Jolie: So, uh.. you went to Morehouse College?

Barton: Oh no, that’s a black college. I went to Grambling.

Jolie: So, uh.. so, when did you graduate?

Barton: [ a beat ] Guess how old I am.

Jolie: Oh.. alright. I’m gonna say you’re.. 34.

Barton: 34?! That’s it exactly! Look at you, Miss Impressive!

Jolie: [ amazed at her perceptive ability ] Alright, guess how old I am!

Barton: No, no, no, no, I don’t do that. No, I’m a bad guesser, a really bad guesser.

Jolie: Oh, come on, silly! Just guess!

Barton: No, I’m telling you, I’m really bad at this..

Jolie: Oh, go ahead, Barton!

Barton: Okay.. [ sighs ] Here goes.. I believe that you are.. [ thinking ] ..48.

Jolie: [ stunned ] What?!

Barton: Ohh, you see? I told you, I suck at this! I’m not good at this!

Jolie: 48?! You’re not serious, right?

Barton: No, no, you’re right, you’re right, bad guess, bad guess.. Let me try this again.

Jolie: Okay. [ chuckles ]

Barton: You’re 49!

Jolie: [ outraged ] No! I’m not 49! I’m much younger that 49!

Barton: Okay, okay.. 47.

Jolie: No.

Barton: 46.

Jolie: Mmm-hmm.

Barton: 45?

Jolie: No!

Barton: 50?

Jolie: No! I’m the same age as you, I’m 34!

Barton: Oh. Okay. You know what? We’re not getting off to as good as a start as I thought.. you know, let me try this, let me try this.. I’m not very good.. at guessing ages, okay? But what I do have a talent for.. is guessing weight.

Jolie: [ excited by the prospect ] Really!

Barton: I do! I want to get us back in the groove here again, so I’m gonna guess your weight. I’ve seen you, I’ve walked around with you, I’m looking at you right now.. and I’m gonna say that you are weighing in at an evennn.. 185.

Jolie: [ outraged ] What?!

Barton: 200?

Jolie: You’re joking, right?

Barton: No. You know I’m right, cutie! Come on. Two hundo.

Jolie: I.. I don’t weight two hundo!

Barton: Okay, maybe you don’t weight two hundo.. but I betcha.. that your license.. says 195.

Jolie: [ sighs exasperation ] That is nowhere near correct! I can’t believe you said 195! Geesh!

Barton: Bartohn strikes out again. Okay.. I’ll tell you what. I’ve got an idea.. I’ve got an idea.. Let me draw your portrait.

Jolie: [ excited by the prospect ] Really! Okay!

Barton: Maybe I can shut my big mouth, huh! [ they laugh, as he pulls out a drawing pad ]

Jolie: I never had my portrait drawn by a professional artist!

Barton: Well, it’s about to happen. Let me tell you a little secret: I don’t do these for just anybody. Only people I am very endeared to.

Jolie: [ flattered ] Okay, well..

Barton: Now, to make a really nice portrait, I’m going to have to ask you a couple of personal questions, okay? Like, what are your hobbies?

Jolie: Oh. Well, um.. I like skiing, and tennis.

Barton: [ piqued by her hobbies ] You do? Maybe we can do that on a second date? A little surf-n-turf, huh?

Jolie: [ giggles ] Sounds great!

Barton: Alright.

Jolie: We’ll have to go out another time!

Barton: [ finishes up the portrait ] Who-aoa! Oh, look at you! And.. and.. and.. and.. [ tears sheet from drawing pad, holds up stick drawing of fat woman holding skis and tennis racket ] Done!

Jolie: [ annoyed and outraged ] Oh, my God!

Barton: Yes! The attention to the detail

Jolie: Are you crazy?! This.. looks.. nothing like me!

Barton: What? What’s the problem with it?

Jolie: Oh, my God..

Barton: Okay, you know what? Okay, let me try again. Just give me another chance. One more chance, okay? [ thinking ] Let me guess.. how many men you’ve slept with.

Jolie: [ more annoyed than ever ] Oh, come on!

Barton: Come on, come on, come on, come on.. [ thinking ] 959.

Jolie: What?!

Barton: It’s a little too high?

Jolie: What?!

Barton: 959?

Jolie: Yes! Right on the nose!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02k: Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks

Goodnights

…..Matthew McConaughey

Matthew McConaughey: Thanks to The Dixie Chicks! And this wonderful cast here! It’s been a heaven of a week! Just keep livin’!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 11

02k: Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks

Jarret’s Room

Jarret….Jimmy Fallon
Goby….Horatio Sanz
Dave Wooderson….Matthew McCounaughey
Jeff….Jeff Richards
DJ Johnathan Feinstein….Seth Meyers
Girls…..Dixie Chicks

[Computer screen beeps. Web cam comes alive with Jarret’s show. Jarret’s dreadlocks are red]

Jarret: Hey, what’s up everybody? Its me Jarret coming to you live from McGinn Hall here at Hampshire college. Valentine’s Day is a week away and I’m totally ready! Check it out, red hair. By the way, when the directions on your hair dye say “do not use near genitals”, that’s not a suggestion. Don’t learn that the hard way. Ok, now give it up for our house band! DJ Johnathan Feinstein!

[whips camera towards Johnathan, he is dressed like a member of ZZ Top’s, “Legs” plays]

DJ Johnathan Feinstein: Yeah, take it away, Jarret!

Jarret: Dude, just because it’s retro, doesn’t mean it’s cool.

DJ Johnathan Feinstein: Fair enough.

[Jarret whips the camera back on himself]

Jarret: All right. Now please welcome, my best friend and roommate, Goby!

[Goby laughs and holds up a Ballantine’s bottle]

Goby: [singing] You can grow your own weed! Grow your own weed!

Jarret: That Fleetwood Mac?

Goby: I don’t know! It is Cadillac! Happy Ballantine’s Day everybody!

Jarret: Yeah, I get it, I get it…Ballantine’s Day, like Valentine’s Day.

Goby: What’s Valentine’s Day?

Jarret: You got problems, dude. All right, this next guy is like my personal hero. He’s the only guy that’s been a student at Hampshire longer than me and Goby. Please welcome, Dave Wooderson.

[camera whips to the door, spaced out thirty-something hippie enters, DJ Johnathan Feinstein plays “Legs”]

Dave Wooderson: All right, all right, all right.

Jarret: What’s going on, man?

Dave Wooderson: I’ll tell you what, bro’. Throwing a rager up on Schneider’s Hill. We got two ponies of Natty light. Some Bacardi breezers for the ladies. And my buddy Tobey is going to be renting his van by the half hour. Check this, man. He just had shag carpet installed, so its real easy on the knees.

Jarret: So, dude what are you now? You’re like 30?

Dave Wooderson: No, I’m 33 years young, bro’. Me, Jesus Christo and Larry Bird. Heh, heh, heh.

Jarret: For those of you who don’t know, Wooderson here has been going to Hampshire since 1984. We got some pictures to prove it.

[Jarret clicks some keys]

[80’s photo of Wooderson leaning on a car dressed and looking exactly the same]

Dave Wooderson: Oh, check that, man. That’s from my first day at school. We just came from seeing “Teen Wolf”. Boy, you should’ve seen that wolf dance. [90’s photo, the same pose, only difference is Wooderson’s hair and baggy clothes] Oh, right on, man. That’s 91. That was my Vanilla Ice phase. Learned some nice dance moves then.

[Photo of Wooderson surrounded by a mob of people]

Jarret: What’s happening in that one?

Dave Wooderson: Righteous, man. That’s all my roommates over the years, man. Those are 384 good dudes, man. Good times.

Jarret: Cool.

Goby: Ha! ha! Check it out! [holds up the bottle] Read it and weep! Ballantine’s Day! In your face!

Jarret: Dude, Ballantine is—forget it.

[Dumb jock enters]

Jeff: Shut up out there, nerds! I’m trying to work out!

Jarret: Yeah, right. You’re working out, all right. You normally work out naked watching scrambled cable?

Jeff: What? Shut up. Hey, Wooderson. [leaves]

Dave Wooderson: Hey Jeffro.

Jarret: You know Jeff?

Dave Wooderson: Oh yeah, man. That’s my nephew.

Jarret: Oh, that reminds me. We totally found a video Valentine Jeff is gonna send to his girlfriend back home. Gotta see this.

[Jarret clicks some keys, video appears of Jeff shirtless, he has a glittery bow and arrow, angel wings on his back]

Jeff: [sings] You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man, I don’t care how you get here, just get here if you can…

[back to Jarret’s room]

Jarret: What a bonehead!!!

Dave Wooderson:[moved] No, man. He may be a bonehead but you can tell he means it.

Jarret: Yes, I guess so.

Girls: Hey!

[Three cute girls sit around Wooderson]

Jarret: Dude, you got us dates for the party, dude?!

Dave Wooderson: No, man. These chicks are with me. [One girl puts a cigarette in Dave’s mouth] What can I say, friends? There’s nothing sweeter than the life of a 33 year old college sophomore. Tell you what Jarret, Goby, I got to get moving on here so you just all keep living.

Jarret: Well, that’s all the time we have for today. DJ Johnathan Feinstein take us out dude!

[DJ Johnathan spins his guitar, “Sharp dressed man” plays, computer logs off]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

02k: Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks

Anti-War Rally

Protest Leader…..Matthew McConaughey
Gay Protestor #1…..Jimmy Fallon
Gay Protestor #2…..Fred Armisen
Stoned Protestor #1…..Horatio Sanz
Stoned Protestor #2…..Tracy Morgan
Whale Protestor…..Chris Parnell
Pro-Life Protestor #1…..Maya Rudolph
Pro-Life Protestor #2…..Chris Kattan
Confused Protestor…..Amy Poehler
Female Protestor…..Rachel Dratch
Black Protestor…..Dean Edwards

[ open on anti-war rally in front of the Lincoln Memorial ]

Protest Leader: Yeah. We’re here today, on the steps of Lincoln Memorial, to send a message to the war hawks – or, should I say, chicken hawks – right here in Washington, D.C.! For diplomacy.. for.. no.. war.. in Iraq!

[ the crowd cheers their enthusiasm ]

Protest Leader: Yeah! That’s right! That’s right! You see, the Bush administration.. must know the reason.. for this protest. We demonstrate for peace! My voice.. your voice.. thousands of voices! Rising up as one!

[ the crowd cheers their enthusiasm ]

Gay Protestor #1: [ raising his voice above the cheers ] We’re HERE! We’re QUEER! Get USED to it!

Protest Leader: [ dismayed at the unexpected outburst ] No, no, no, no, no, no, not exactly! But, yes! We are people from all walks of life, who are coming together today for a single purpose, yeah!

Gay Protestor #1: For GAY RIGHTS!

Protest Leader: No. Not gay rights.

Gay Protestor #1: You’re against gay rights?!

Gay Protestor #2: Homophobe!

Protest Leader: That’s not.. that not what I meant. I support gay rights, alright? But today – today, people – we are gathered here to protest the Bush administration’s.. illegal war!

Stoned Protestor #1: [ in another unexpected, perhaps malicious, outburst ] Yeahh!! Drugs should be LEGAL!!

Stoned Protestor #2: Stop the drug war!

Protest Leader: No! Not that war!

Stoned Protestor #2: You know, they use hemp to make rope!

Protest Leader: Yes, I know that! Alright? But that is not what we’re here for today! Alright, we have one purpose today!

Whale Protestor: SAVE THE WHALES!!

Protest Leader: Oh, come on, man! That’s so old school! I don’t even think the whales are in trouble any more!

Whale Protestor: With that attitude, they are!

Protest Leader: Hey! Can everybody sit with me a minute?! Alright?! We are talking about.. Iraq!

Whale Protestor: Don’t send the whales to Iraq!!

Protest Leader: [ with teeth clenched ] Nobody wants to send any whales to Iraq, man! Alright, it’s not about that! It’s about not sending our children into war!

Pro-Life Protestor #1: [ in yet another unexpected and inappropriate outburst ] And the UNBON CHILDREN!! Save the UNBORN CHILDREN!!

Pro-Life Protestor #2: YEAH! Save them for FUTURE WARS!!

Protest Leader: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, listen, listen.. will the pro-lifers please stick to the program! Alright, regardless of what the White says.. we know what this war’s really about. Don’t we? It’s about.. oil.

Whale Protestor: Whale oil??

Protest Leader: No.

Pro-Life Protestor #1: BABY OIL??

Protest Leader: NO!!

Gay Protestor #1: Sex oil!

Protest Leader: [ outraged by all the needless outbursts ] NO!! It’s NOT ?? OIL!!

Confused Protestor: Stop killing our babies for their precious oil!!

Protest Leader: Are you talking about baby whales?!

Whale Protestor: No! I’m the whale guy!

Protest Leader: Oh. Sorry.

Confused Protestor: I was talking about ACTUAL BABIES!!

Protest Leader: Lady.. nobody makes oil out of babies.

Confused Protestor: [ a beat ] ..Realize that now!

Protest Leader: Okay..

Confused Protestor: Just got carried away!

Protest Leader: Okay. Now.. everybody. Can you work with me? Can you work with me? Can we get back on track here?

Female Protestor: Right! We must FEED THE CHILDREN!!

Stoned Protestor #2: YEAHHH!!! Feed ’em to the WHALES!!

Protest Leader: Hey! We need to show our government – and the world – that we’re being united here for one cause! Can we do that?!

[ the crowd cheers their enthusiasm ]

Protest Leader: Yes! Yes! A cause for respect for human life everywhere!

[ the crowd cheers their enthusiasm ]

Protest Leader: That every man is our brother! That every woman is our sister!

Pro-Life Protestors: Except the SMOKERS!!

Black Protestor: YEAH!! DOWN WITH THE SMOKERS!!

Gay Protestor #1: Yeah, why don’t you go back to.. [ thinking ] ..Smokesylvania!

Protest Leader: [ losing control again ] Alright..

Stoned Protestor #2: It’s okay to smoke WEED, though!!

Stoned Protestor #1: Yeahh!! It’s an herb! You can make rope out of it!

Protest Leader: You said that already!

Stoned Protestor #1: [ thinking ] Noooo! [ points to his buddy ] He said it last time!

Protest Leader: You know what.. everybody, just get with me for a second!! Alright, we’re not making rope!! We’re trying to stop a war! We’re trying to keep innocent people out of harm’s way!

Whale Protestor: Then, legalize porn!!

Protest Leader: Sir, it is legal.. okay?

Whale Protestor: Not the kind I like..

Protest Leader: Hey! You can’t just do a big scattershot protest with everyone’s personal agenda like this! Alright? Can we all just.. focus on why we gathered out here today, in front of Lincoln Memorial?!

Pro-Life Protestor #2: FREE LINCOLN!!!

Protest Leader: Free him from WHAT?! His GRAVE?!!

[ the crowd boos angrily, ready to attack the Protest Leader ]

Gay Protestor #1: [ weeping ] You should be sorry about that!

Whale Protestor: What are you joking down Lincoln for?!

Protest Leader: I’m not jumping down Lincoln, okay? My bad! I was out of line! But, people.. please.. can you hear me out? Can you let me say one thing, alright?! Here we go! Stay with me! Our.. elected leaders.. are marching us straight into a war without any consideration for our opinions. Without any consideration for our votes, for our say!

[ the crowd cheers their enthusiasm ]

Protest Leader: That’s right! That’s right! That’s right! Stay with me, stay with me.. Our freedoms are being taken away! And this whole situation with Iraq is to blame for it! So.. come on everybody! What do we say?

Crowd: BOMB IRAQ!! BOMB IRAQ!! BOMB IRAQ!! BOMB IRAQ!! BOMB IRAQ!!

Protest Leader: [ disgusted, steps down to leave ] Good luck..

[ fade on the protest crowd, organized again for the wrong reason ]

SNL Transcripts

02k: Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks

U.N. Security Session

Colin Powell…..Darrell Hammond
German Delegate…..Chris Parnell
Translator’s Voice for German Delegate…..Maya Rudolph
French Delegate…..Jimmy Fallon
Chinese Delegate…..Chris Kattan
Translator’s Voice for Chinese Delegate…..Paula Pell
Iceland Delegate…..Amy Poehler
Russian Delegate…..Rachel Dratch
Translator’s Voice for Russian Delegate…..
Chilian Delegate…..Fred Armisen
Translator’s Voice for Chilian Delegate…..Jim Downey
Syrian Delegate…..Horatio Sanz
Cameroon Delegate…..Dean Edwards

[ open on wide shot of United Nations Security Council, with SUPER: “Special Session United Nations Security Council, February 5th, 2003” ]

[ dissolve to close-up of Colin Powell ]

Colin Powell: Distinguished colleagues, you have now seen the evidence. After twelve long years, the Iraqi regime of Saddam Hussein still refuses to honor its obligations under U.N. Security Council Resolution 687, and it is clear that, absent the threat of force, it has no intention.. of ever doing so. The time for delay has passed; it’s time to act. Thank you.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Thank you, Secretary Powell, for a very compelling presentation. After hearing it, no member of this council can doubt the gravity of the situation in Iraq. Clearly, the most important thing right now is to do nothing. And the sooner, the better. Does the delegate from France wish to comment?

[ cut to French Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for French Delegate: I, too, commend Secretary Powell on his program here today. Very enjoyable. And those weapons of mass destruction – so unnecessary. But, to conclude our business here today, my government would like to propose the following: That we adjourn this special session of the security council, and all go to lunch at an extremely expensive restaurant, with the U.N. picking up the tab.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: The Chair recognizes the delegate from China.

[ cut to Chinese Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for Chinese Delegate: It is the position of my government, that the representatives of the fifteen-member nations of the U.N. Security council – and their friends – now go to lunch at Le Grenoui, with the United Nations paying the exorbitant cost. I yield to the delegate from Iceland.

[ cut to Iceland Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for Iceland Delegate: Forgive me, but my government would like to point out that the members of the U.N. Security Council always go to Le Grenoui after an emergency session. I propose that we instead go to Less Banas, in the St. Regis Hotel, for our U.N. provided lunch.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: But is Less Banas expensive enough?

[ cut to Iceland Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for Iceland Delegate: Definitely. With drinks, appetizer, and tip, the United Nations will not get out of there for less than $300 per person.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Would the delegate from France like a ride to the restaurant in my stretch limosine, that the United Nation provides?

[ cut to French Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for French Delegate: There may not be room. Since the U.N. is paying for it, I wanted to bring my wife and two of my mistresses. Also my son, who is visiting from boarding school, and his mistress. Plus, my drug dealer and his girlfriend, a prostitute.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Oh. Then you probably should go in your own U.N. provided stretch limosine, or, perhaps, two stretch limosines. The Chair recognizes the delegate from China.

[ cut to Chinese Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for Chinese Delegate: My government has a proposal. Instead of going in other delegates’ stretch limosines, I suggest that each of us, and each of our guests, go in his own stretch limosine. It will waste more money, and will enable us to tie up midtown traffic more effectively. I yield to the delegate from the Russian federation.

[ cut to Russian Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for Russian Delegate: I propose that, when we’re inside having lunch, we double-park our stretch limosines outside. Also, that we leave the engines running, since the U.N. is paying for the gas.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Does the delegate from Chile wish to comment?

Translator’s Voice for Chilian Delegate: But if we double-park our limosines outside the restaurant, won’t our stretch limosines be ticketed?

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Is the delegate from Chile joking?

Translator’s Voice for Chilian Delegate: Of course I’m joking!

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: The delegate from Chile had me going there!

Translator’s Voice for Chilian Delegate: But may my government offer a suggestion? When we double-park our U.N.-provided stretch limosines, we should double-park them perpendicular to the other cars, rather than parallel. That way, we can totally shut down 5th Ave. I yield to the delegate from Syria.

[ cut to Syrian Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for Syrian Delegate: In view of our diplomatic immunity.. I would like to propose that, after lunch, we all head to Cartier for an afternoon of shoplifting.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: That is the best idea I’ve heard all day. The Chair recognizes the delegate from Cameroon.

[ cut to Cameroon Delegate ]

Cameroon Delegate: [ speaks English ] I ask the Chair: Does our diplomatic immunity cover aggravated kidnapping and arson?

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: No.

[ cut to Cameroon Delegate ]

Cameroon Delegate: [ dejected ] Oh.. Well, my idea won’t work.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Any other proposals? [ no more proposals come forth ] Well, in my view, this was an extremely productive session. Secretary Powell, your thoughts?

[ cut to Colin Powell, expression of horror on his face due to the vicious scheming of the world delegates ]

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Alright, then. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts