Category: 2002

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12

02l: Jennifer Garner /Beck

Siamese Twins

Joe….Jimmy Fallon
Frank….Chris Kattan
Mandy….Jennifer Garner
Sandy….Rachel Dratch

[Opens with an living room apartment. Pizza and beer on the table. Two young guys, Joe and Frank, are very excited]

Frank: So, come one man! When are they getting here?!

Joe: Dude, they should be getting here any minute, man! I got the pizza, we got a cold case of Coors and any minute now we’re gonna meet some smoking-hot twins!

Frank: Sweet!

Joe and Frank: Twins!

Frank: Oh, man!

Joe: Yeah, man!

Frank: Dude, nothing gets me hotter than pizzas and a cold case of Coors and…twi-i-ins!

Joe and Frank:[singing] I like football on TV, shots of Gena Lee and twins![They high-five each other, doorbell rings]

Frank: Twins!

Joe: Coming![opens the door] Come on in, ladies.

[Two conjoined twins are at the door. One of them is pretty, Mandy, she’s a doll and the other one is ugly as sin, Sandy. Sandy has a baby’s arm coming out of her head, big teeth, ugly close, uneven haircut.]

Mandy: Hi, I’m Mandy and this is my sister Sandy.

Joe: It is great to finally meet you guys.

Sandy: Hey, are guys ready to party?

Mandy: Yeah, right.

Joe: We sure are

[Frank is disturbed by the conjoined twins but Joe for some reason is all cool with it]

Joe: Ok, all right. Now let me get this straight. You’re Mandy and she’s Sandy. How am I gonna tell you guys apart? I mean, ok, Sandy on the right, Sandy on the right.

Sandy: There you go, there you go…

Mandy: Sandy, this is Joe the guy I was telling you about. And you must be Frank.

Frank:[disturbed] Yeah, yeah.

Sandy: Well, I’m ready for a beer. Right, guys?

Joe: Sure thing. Lets go to the couch, ladies.

[Frank sits at the end corner of the couch to avoid any contact with the ugly ass twin. Joe squeezes Frank out, the twins Mandy and Sandy sit and Frank is forced to sit next to the monstrous twin, Sandy.]

Frank: So—so, so….[over Sandy to beautiful Mandy] hey, Mandy, hey, what do you do?

Mandy: I’m in telemarketing.

Frank: Oh, yeah. I see. And uh, uh, so Sandy. [Can’t even look at her ugly face] What about you? What do you do uh—

Sandy: I’m in telemarketing too.

Frank: Oh, right. Yeah, of course, because you’d have to. Right?

Sandy: Yeah.

Frank: Right, cause yes, obviously.

Joe: [still psyched] Dude, twins, dude!

Frank: Yeah. Can I talk to you for a second?

Joe: Yeah, one moment, ladies.[Gets up from the couch aside with Frank, the twins are alone in the couch]

Sandy: So, who’s with who here?

Mandy: I’m with Joe.

Sandy: No way! He’s a hottie. Come on, Mandy!

Mandy: Sandy, I’m the one who spent all that time on the Internet setting this whole thing up. I mean, if it were up to you we would just be at home shaving your leg.

Frank: Ok, what–what, what the hell are you thinking?!

Joe: What do you mean what I was thinking? I’ll tell you what I’m thinking. I’m thinking za’, Coors and twins![Tries to high-five but Frank is not having any of it]

Frank: Ok, no, no, no! Dude, how come, dude, how come you get the hot one?

Joe: What? Dude, they are twins. What are you talking about?

Frank: Well, it just kind of looks like one of them had a little more time to cook than the other one…[Joe shuts Frank up]

Joe: I’m telling you, the only reason I’m with Mandy is cause she’s the one I’ve been talking to on the Internet. We have a relationship, something you should try to look in to!

Frank: Ok, fine! Let me see that picture again! Give me. Let me see it.

[Joe gives Frank a photo]

Joe: Don’t rip it.

Frank: That’s all right. Ok, what did you think that was?[points at photo]

Joe: I thought she was sitting near the back of a dog. Look, just try this for me, all right?!

[Seductive “hellos” to the guys from beautiful Mandy and from ugly mutant Sandy]

Frank: How much beer do we have?

Joe: Icy cold case of Coors, dude.

Frank: All right, ok.

Joe: Yeah.

[Joe sits next to beautiful Mandy, Frank next to monstrous Sandy]

Mandy: I’m so glad I’m finally meeting you in the flesh, Joe.

Joe: Me too.

Mandy: I hope is ok I brought my sister along.

Joe: That’s totally cool. Oh, my God. You have beautiful eyes.

Mandy: Oh, My God…

[Joe and Mandy passionately kiss]

Frank: So uh,[its difficult to look at her ugly ass face] so, wow. [mumbles] Have you seen any good movies? Have you seen any good movies, lately?

Sandy: You want to get this thing going or what?

Frank: I just….I usually like, you know, have a conversation…

Sandy: There you go. Telling a lady what she thinks she wants to hear. Cut the small talk, cowboy!

Frank: Cowboy?

Sandy: Look, they’re off and running. Believe me, we better keep up a pace with them. You do not want to be starting when they’re finishing, believe me.[Joe while still kissing Mandy, he grabs Sandy’s boob] Oh, that one’s mine, pally.

Frank: Ok, hold up! Stop it, stop that, stop it, ok. [Joe stops kissing Mandy] Why is it we like twins? Why do we like twins?

Joe: Because there’s two of them, man!

Frank: Ok, you know what? I do not like twins! I do not like football on tv! And I’m not even sure who Gena Lee is! And beer?! I prefer a nice Merlot! Ok?! That’s right! And I think I just—I just grown up here now! Ok! I AM OUTTA HERE![leaves, door slams]

Joe: Suit yourself, dude. Your loss![Goes back to kissing Mandy, Sandy picks up a slice of pizza and eats]

Sandy: I got news for you—you can make out with her 6 ways to Sunday but I’m the one with the vagina.

[Joe gives the ok sign, keeps making out]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon
Burt Bacharach…..Jeff Richards
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Chris Parnell
…..Jennifer Garner

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey.

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon. Here are tonight’s top stories.

A government official admitted Friday that the al-Qaida terror suspect whose information led to the current Orange Alert failed a lie-detector test. Also, in a shocking turn of events, it was realized that he is not a millionaire.

This week, France and Germany once again joined together and called for additional UN weapons inspections. France and Germany also called all of their friends to tell them that they’re gay and in love.

The Navy has begun using trained sea lions to help protect ships in the Persian Gulf from enemy divers. So our ships will be completely safe unless al-Qaida can somehow get their hands on a bucket of fish.

Rapper Fifty Cents’ debut album, “Get Rich or Die Trying,” sold almost 900,000 copies in four days, making it the highest selling first album ever. The lowest selling first album remains “Screech Gotsta Git Fonky”. [Both Jimmy and Tina laugh at the word “Fonky”]

Scientists have invented a new “smart bra” which tightens its own straps when the wearer needs more support. Even more impressive: it beat Anna Nicole Smith at Scrabble.

Tina Fey: As today’s peace marches demonstrate, not everyone in America agrees we should be going to war. Already, we have seen many in the movie industry come out against the war, and here with us tonight, a giant in the music industry will share his views. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Burt Bacharach.

Burt Bacharach: [suave] Thank you. Thank you, Tina. I think it’s safe to say that many of us in the music biz, or any biz for that matter, find this guy Saddam a pretty rough customer.

I supported action the first time in Iraq, but this time, if we go back to smack Iraq, you can count ‘ol Bacharach out of that attack! Back in Iraq? Not Bacharach!

Tina, I think we lack the facts to attack Iraq. Those quacks can stack facts up and down the track, but don’t expect Bacharach to back the war on Iraq!

And hey, ‘ol Bacharach may take some flack for his tack, but I’d rather take syrup of ipecac than pack some kid from Hackensack in a flat jacket just so he’d get shot in the crack! That’s the Kodak ‘ol Bacharach wouldn’t want in the almanac! Some sad sack shot full of holes from an AK-AK, hangin’ out on a tarmac in a body sack? Snack on that, Jack!

Tina Fey: Well, thanks for the feedback, Burt Bacharach!

Burt Backarach: All right!

Tina Fey: Burt Bacharach, everybody!

Well, after a heartbreaking loss last year, Mick, a blue terrier, won Best in Show this week at the Westminster Dog Show. The only way this year’s contest could have gone any better for Mick, would be if he had any idea of what the hell was going on.

Actor Colin Ferrell this week brought his mother to the premiere of his new movie, “Daredevil,” sparking rumors that they are dating.

Friends of “Mini-Me” actor Verne Troyer are concerned for his health, saying that he has started drinking again. Apparently, things have gotten so bad that Troyer is up to four thimbles of scotch a day. And that’s on a weeknight! Verne’s friends are desperately trying to get him to go to a lowercase “a.a.” meeting.

It was announced this week that video game company Atari is going out of business. When asked to comment, the company said, “[sound of Pac Man dying]”.

Sean Penn is claiming that he lost out on a promised role in a movie because to his trip to Iraq and his opposition to the US-led war, thus depriving the world of “I Am Sam 2: Still ‘Tarded!”

Jimmy Fallon: February is known the world over as Black History Month, and here to comment on it is our own Tracy Morgan, everybody!

Tracy Morgan: Thanks, Jim! Well, Black History Month is half over, and what have we done to celebrate it? The answer: not much. Schools take a few minutes to talk about Martin Luther King, Denzel gets an extra movie on HBO, and that same ‘ol Harriet Tubman book goes back in the window at Barnes & Noble. That’s about it. Speaking as a proud African American, I think it’s time we made Black History Month count for something! It’s time we made it relevant! Important experience! Especially for the young people! My suggestion? Four simple words: all out race war! Y’see, an all out race war would make the man…

[Tracy is cut short by a “Technical Difficulties – Please Stand By” graphic]

Voiceover: We’re experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by.

Uh, the views expressed by Tracy Morgan do not reflect those of NBC, General Electric, or any of its affiliates.

Now, back to the show!

[cut back to Tracy at the Update desk]

Tracy Morgan: [finishing his rant] …WHITE PEOPLE’S HEADS ON SPIKES! Back to you, Jim.

Jimmy Fallon: [disturbed] Tracy Morgan, everyone.

Tina Fey: Homeland defense officials are suggesting that people use duct tape to seal their doors and windows in case of a biological attack. This won’t replace MY favorite use for duct tape: silencing a hitchhiker. [Tina looks at camera with a crazy look in her eye]

New Scientist Magazine reports this week that all lions like to eat humans, while the cover story of Lion Magazine this week is “Who Told?!”

As part of a mass wedding ceremony in Thailand, “Guy,” a chicken, married “Guk,” a rooster. And, for the record, on their wedding night, the chicken came first.

Jimmy Fallon: Here now with a breaking story is our own Chris Parnell!

Chris Parnell: Hey! Thank you! Thanks, Jimmy! Well, as most as many of our viewers know, Jennifer Garner, our amazingly lovely and talented host this evening, is the star of “Alias,” on which she plays a globehopping CIA secret agent. Now, if you’ve ever wondered why she’s so darn believable on the show, well, it’s because she actually does work for the CIA. And, as a matter of fact, so do I!

Jimmy Fallon: Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on. Are you saying that you and Jennifer are secret agents?

Chris Parnell: That’s right. Also, she’s my lover. And I want Jennifer and the world to know that the love and adventure we share as we travel the world together on secret missions…well, it means everything to me. So Jen, this is my Valentine’s gift to you.

[rapping] Yo, check it out!
This is the untold story of our secret lives! How it all began!
In Cairo, ancient city, that’s where we met.
When I parachuted in, from my private jet,
She was chillin’ by some ruins, like Cleopatra soaked in sweat,
She said the code words: “I want you.” I just said, “I’ll bet.”
Ha! I’ll bet you do, bi-otch! Huh!
A major MCP, it must be Jennifer G,
“Oui oui,” said she, “And damn! I like what I see!
“Lemme take you for a ride by the Nile in my Humvee!”
Oh, ho ho, you can take me for a ride, girl!
So we cruised to the pyramid, in Khufu,
She stopped the jeep, removed her robe and said, “C’mere Boo!”
I wasn’t one to argue, got up on her like kudzu!
I glanced into the rearview,
Said, “Baby, we got some company, It’s time to do some Kung Fu!”
And if you ain’t never seen this girl do Kung Fu, then you ain’t never seen it done right!
Uh-uh!

[singing] In Cairo, Istanbul, and Tokyo,
She’s my ho,
I’m her beau,
Don’t you know,
We got flow!
And when we’re not workin’, we jump onto my yacht and go!
Drink bordeau,
Eat escargot,
Just take it sloooooow…

[rapping] Now back to the pyramid at Khufu, where the mercenaries are about to attack!
So wearin’ only a smile, she steps into the sun,
And distracted the fools while I retrieved my gun.
And sent a firestorm of bullets into eva-ree-one,
‘Til every merc was dead, cause they disrupted our fun.
Back in the Hummer, we got a little hardcore,
Then had to go and explore,
Quickly found the hidden artifact that we were there for.
Delivered the package in Alexandria that night,
Slept on my yacht, set sail first light!
She says, “Boo! Where should we go?”
Shorty, I don’t know!
But as long as you with me, baby, I’m all right.
Jennifer G, as long as you with me, MCP, everything is gonna be all right.

[singing] In Cairo, Istanbul, and Tokyo,
She’s my ho,
I’m her beau,
Don’t you know,
We got flow!
And when we’re not workin’, we jump onto my yacht and go!
Drink bordeau,
Eat escargot,
Just take it sloooooow…
That’s how we do it.
We take it slooooow…
You know you always be my bitch, girl! Yeah!

Jennifer Garner: [flustered] Chris, have you lost your mind?

Tina Fey: Jennifer, I’m really sorry about all this. Chris has a very active and creepy imagination.

Jennifer Garner: Look, for the record, I met Chris Parnell five days ago. We are not lovers, we do not work for the CIA, and we certainly don’t travel the world in his yacht.

Chris Parnell: [apologetically] Of course we don’t. It was just a joke. Sorry everyone.

[Chris and Jennifer step out to leave]

Jennifer Garner: [whispering] You’re gonna completely blow our cover!

Chris Parnell: [also whispering] I said I was sorry!

Tina Fey: Chris Parnell and Jennifer Garner, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey! Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[Jimmy is about to throw his pencil, but places it in a blind man’s tin cup at the last second]

Thanks to Bryce Parsons for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Wake Up Wakefield

Megan…..Maya Rudolph
Sheldon…..Rachel Dratch
Tara Greenly…..Jennifer Garner
Mr. Banglion…..Horatio Sanz
Female Student…..Amy Poehler

[ open on “Wake up Wakefield” title card ]

Megan V/O: From Wakefield Middle School, it’s a special afterschool broadcast of “Wake Up Wakefield”, coming to you live from the Valentine’s Day Dance.

[ dissolve to Megan and Sheldon standing in the cafeteria amid party decorations and other students having a fun time; “Sk8r Boi” can be heard playing in the background ]

Megan: It’s 3:15 PM, and look at all the beautiful people arriving here in the cafeteria, where the Valentine’s Dance is just getting under way. I’m your host, Megan, and this is my best friend and co-host, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Hey.

Megan: Wow, the cafeteria looks so glamorous, like a Mariah Carey video, doesn’t it, Sheldon?

Sheldon: Yes. The air is rich with excitement, and the smell of Chicken a la King. It’s great fun, even though some people can only stay for forty minutes, because they have a cello lesson at four, and.. you know, those lessons are pre-paid, and, if you miss it, you-you lose that money.

Megan: Yeah, Sheldon’s already saved me a dollar this week. Individual tickets to the dance are four dollars, but only seven dollars per couple. And he suggested we purchase the tickets at the couples’ rate and save a dollar, even though we are not an actual couple. I repeat: we are.. not.. an actual couple.

Sheldon: Yeah, I-I-I was just crunching some numbers.

Megan: [ looks to her right ] Oh, hey! Here comes the student organizer of the Valentine’s Dance, my friend from gymnastics since we were five – Tara Greenly. [ Tara enters frame ] Tara! Tara! Do you have time to talk to “Wake Up Wakefield”?

Tara: Sure, Megan, no problem!

Megan: First off, who are you wearing?

Tara: Well.. I am wearing Old Navy.. and Nike. And I don’t know where these tights come from, I think they were my sister’s.

Sheldon: So, Tara.. what goes into organizing an event of this magnitude?

Tara: [ excited to see Sheldon, and excessively giddy otherwise ] Hi, Sheldon! Um, yes! I am in charge of refreshments, and the decorations! And I just need to make one announcement! Okay! Everyone keeps asking me, “What’s in the punch!” And I guess I can tell you! It’s ginger ale! Cranberry sherbet, and raaaaaaspberry JUICE!! A lot of people say “sher-bert“, which is actually wrong! Anyway, it’s kind of an adult thing! Sheldon.. I like your tie.

Sheldon: [ humbled ] Th-thanks. It’s from the Men’s Wearhouse.

Tara: Also, I came up with the Rose-a-Gram idea! How it works is, you pay a dollar to send a rose to whoever you have a secret crush on! Yellow means Friends, Pink means I Like You, and Red means True Love FOREVER!! Why, Megan – you can send one to Randy Goldman!

Megan: [ flustered ] Oh, wow.. this is awkward.. I promised I wouldn’t talk about this on the air, but here goes.. See, I am happy to announce here on the show, that I am no longer in love with one Randall James Goldman. I told him, “It’s over between us, babe,” and he said, “Moooove, Mandy, you’re blocking my locker.” and I said, “Hey, let’s end this game while it’s sweet, and my name is Megan.”

Sheldon: That guy is no good for you..

Megan: Yeahhhhh.. I realized I had to set more realistic romantic goals for myself. So, please say Hello to the new love of my life.. [ pulls out button from underneath shirt ] ..Justin Timberlake! [ singing ] “Megan, I love you! You’re my girlfriend!” I love you, too, J.T.! [ licks the button passionately ] He’s awesome!

Tara: Hey! did you guys know that Justin Timberlake used to be in a band called N*Sync! If Justin Timberlake went to Wakefield, you could send him a Rose-a-Gram! You see, Valentine’s Day is about telling your loved ones how much you care!

Sheldon: [ shyly ] A-actually.. the true story of Valentine’s Day starts in Ancient Rome. St. Valentine continued to perform marriages for Christian martyrs, even though it was forbidden by Claudius II. And on February 14th, 270 A.D., St. Valentine was dragged before the Prefect of Rome, and beaten to death with clubs and had his head cut off.

[ Megan and Tara are left in a stunned silence ]

Megan: Okay. Well, it’s almost time for the dance contest..

Tara: Oh! I’ve gotta get the prizes together! First Place gets a $10 gift certificate to Greenly Dry Cleaning, compliments of my dad, Henry Greenly!

Sheldon: Geez.. I-I’d love to win that, I’d love that..

Megan: Great. But, first, let’s meet our chaperone for the afternoon, Mr. Banglion.

[ Mr. Banglion bounces into the scene, quoting from Missy Elliot’s “Work It” ]

Mr. Banghlion: Hey, hey! “Was it worth it? Let me search it! And find out how hard I want to work it!” Hey there! Happy Velentine’s! Hey, I want y’all to have a good time, but I’m here to remind you: Keep it clean, jellybeans! Alright. Now, you can get your groove on.. but you can’t get your.. [ mimics the grooves from the Missy Elliot collection ] ..your freak on! Yeah! That’s right!

Megan: We.. we know that, Mr. B…

Tara: [ looks off-screen to her left ] Eugh!! Hillary Ewing and Jeffrey Graf are totally making out under the nutritional poster!

Mr. Banghlion: Oh, boy.. I gotta go. Hey, remember, kids: Let’s keep it PG in the two-double-oh-three, okay, gang? “Is it worth it? Let me work it!” [ makes Missy Elliot noises as he moonwalks out ]

Female Student: [ enters carrying Rose-a-Gram ] Hey. Rose-a-Gram.

Megan: [ flustered ] Hey, a red rose, what’s this, I mean I wasn’t expecting anything this year, I mean Randy Goldman’s in Michigan, Justin is on tour in Ja-pan.. I suppose he could phone it in.

Female Student: Actually, the rose is for Sheldon?

Sheldon: [ confused ] For me?

Female Student: Yeah.

Megan: For Sheldon? No way! Who’s it from?

Sheldon: Uh.. [ reads the card ] “To Sheldon. Love, your not-do-secret admirer, Tara.”

Megan: Um.. I don’t know how to feel about this.. awesome?

Tara: [ ecstatic, to Sheldon ] I have had a crush on you ever since you became President of Math League!

[ slow song begins to play in the background ]

Sheldon: [ nervous ] Th-that’s cool..

Megan: No way!

Tara: Do you want to dance?

Sheldon: Okay..

[ Sheldon begins to awkwardly dance with Tara ]

Megan: No way! Well, this is live TV, folks, you never know what’s gonna happen! Well, this concludes today’s broadcast.. I feel pretty good about this show, and.. although I may not have a Valentine to dance with, do not pity me.. for I am focusing my energy on a bradcasting career.

[ a beep comes from Sheldon’s pants ]

Sheldon: Oh! I gotta go.. my cello lesson!

Tara: [ dismayed ] But.. Sheldon!

Sheldon: [ nervous ] I gotta go!

[ Sheldon and Tara share an awkward yet passionate kiss ]

Megan: Whoa!

Sheldon: Signing off, I am Sheldon! [ runs off ]

Tara: Come back!

Megan: And I am the future celebrity wife of Mr. Justin Timberlake!

[ Megan and Tara go into hysterics reminiscing about Tara’s kiss with Sheldon ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Walmart Greeters

Greeter #1…..Jennifer Garner
Greeter #2…..Amy Poehler
Female Customer #1…..Rachel Dratch
Female Customer #2…..Maya Rudolph
Store Manager…..Seth Meyers

[ open on exterior shot, Super Wal-Mart ]

[ dissolve to interior, where two female door greeters stand and marvel at the massive space surounding them ]

Greeter #1: Hi! Welcome to Wal-Mart!

Greeter #2: I know I say this to you every day.. but I still can’t get over how big this Wal-Mart is!

Greeter #1: I knowwwww! It’s too big!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

Greeter #1: I knowww!

Greeter #2: I knowww! The whole town is this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: I knowww! It has too many things!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

Greeter #1: This store has to be at least eight city blocks! I mean, that is about 500 miles of store!

Greeter #2: I know! This Wal-Mart is as big as 250 Rite-Aids!

Greeter #1: I knowww! Thank God we work near the door! Otherwise, we’d never be able to get out!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

Greeter #1: You know it’s too big when you can park inside the store!

Greeter #2: I know! You know a store is too big when, under the same roof, you can buy a pack of gum and a speedboat!

Greeter #1: I knowww!

[ Female Customer saunters forward ]

Female Customer #1: Uh.. excuse me..

Greeter #2: Oh, hello! Welcome to Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: Hi! You are now officially in Wal-Mart!

Female Customer #1: Uh.. can you point me to Sporting Goods?

Greeter #2: I can point you t’wards it.. but, I gotta be honest with you.. I never even seen Sporting Goods, I only heard about it.

Greeter #1: [ hands customer a bottle of water ] Here. Take some water with you, you’re gonna need it for the journey.

Female Customer #1: Oh.. thank you.. [ exits ]

Greeter #2: She’s never gonna make it, she’s too old!

Greeter #1: I knowww! People come in this Wal-Mart, and they never leave!

Greeter #2: I knowww! I heard that Kathy Peacock died in this Wal-Mart. And they didn’t find her body for weeks.

Greeter #1: I heard that Kathy Peacock was born in this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #2: I know! Two babies a day are born in this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: This Wal-Mart’s gonna have to elect its own President!

Greeter #2: This Wal-Mart has it’s own capitol!

Greeter #1: There’s a globe in School Supplies of just this Wal-Mart! That’s how big this Wal-Mart is!

Greeter #1: I knowww!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

[ another Female Customer steps forward trepiditiously ]

Female Customer #2: Excuse me..?

Greeter #2: Hi, welcome to Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: Hi! You are now officially in Wal-Mart!

Female Customer #2: Thank you.. Um.. can you tell me where I would be able to find bath rugs, with patriotic baby ducks on them?

Greeter #2: Uh.. bath rugs with patriotic baby ducks is in.. Aisle 6,000! And, here.. [ grabs poncho ] ..you’re gonna need this poncho! ‘ Cause I think it’s rainy season in that part of Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: And they might not speak English over there, because there are three indiginous languages to this Wal-Mart!

Female Customer #2: Oh.. uh.. thank you..? [ exits ]

Greeter #2: Bloo-bloo-bloop?

Greeter #1: What does that mean?

Greeter #2: It means “You’re welcome!” in Wal-Mart.

Greeter #1: Boy, is she in for it.

Greeter #2: I knowww! The competing weather systems in this Wal-Mart could cause a tornado to happen!

Greeter #1: I knowww! And that active volcano by Electronics is about to blow!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

Greeter #1: I knowww!

[ Lost Male Customer ambles forward, petrified ]

Male Customer: Hey, uh.. I’m looking for Leisure Wear..

Greeter #1: Uh.. hoo!

Greeter #2: Okay, we got an idea..

Greeter #1: Okay.

Greeter #2: Alright..

[ they unfold a large, bulky map together ]

Greeter #1: Here’s a map of Northern Wal-Mart. What you’re gonna do is go to hte end of this map, which is about 4,000 miles, and then you’re gonna come down here..

Greeter #2: Right.. Oh! Oh! Burt Reynolds lives here!

Greeter #1: I know! I heard that! And when you get to the end here, there’s gonna be a guide to give you more maps. Hey, listen up.. if you make it to Leisure Wear, tell them we wanna learn more about their people.

Greeter #2: Yeah! Tell them we mean them no harm!

Greeter #1: Yeah, we don’t!

Greeter #2: We don’t!

Greeter #1: No!!!

[ Store Manager breaks into the scene, as Male Customer shirks away in fear ]

Store Manager: Please! Please! Ladies! I have asked you repeatedly, to quit making remarks to the customers about how big this Wal-Mart is! It scares them! Yes, this is a big store, but we are proud of its size! And my name is Mr. Sparkson!

Greeter #2: Well, everyone calls you “Sparky”!

Store Manager: I understand that! Your job is just to greet people!

Greeter #1: Sparky!!

Greeter #2: Sparky!! Look! If I could wrap my mind around this Wal-Mart, I’d stop talking about it!

Greeter #1: I mean, this Wal-Mart is just so big, if we don’t talk about it, our heads are gonna pop out!

Greeter #2: Yeah! And then they’d just sell our heads in the Human Body Parts aisle of this Wal-Mart!

Store Manager: [ angered and greatly annoyed ] You know what?!! Your shofts are almost over, why don’t you.. just.. call it.. a day!!!

Greeter #1: Alright! We’re just gonna wave to you as you disappear into the horizon of this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #2: Yeah! We just gonna watch you walk into the sunset of this Wal-Mart, Sparky!

Greeter #1: We better get going, it’s getting dark over there in Automotives!

Greeter #2: Yeah, you’re right.. and, at night, its gets cold in here like a desert.

Greeter #1: I knowww!

Greeter #2: So.. what do you wanna do tonight?

Greeter #1: I heard there was a new Mexican restaurant with dollar Margaritas.

Greeter #2: [ excited ] That sounds great! Where is it?

Greeter #1: In this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #2: Great!

Greeter #1: Great! Right? Hey! I heard they have the Superbowl in this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #2: I heard they sell Superbowls in this Wal-Mart!

Greeter #1: I knowww! That’s how big it is!

Greeter #2: I knowww!

Together: I knowww!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 13


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 22nd, 2003

Christopher Walken

Foo Fighters

None

Steve Martin

Will Ferrell

Britney Spears

Jim Carrey
HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) spars with French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin (Christopher Walken).

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews.

Transcript

Montage

Christopher Walken’s MonologueSummary: Ever the traditionalist, Christopger Walken sings and dances for the audience’s delight.

Also Hosted: 89k, 92d, 95j, 99p, 00t.

Transcript

PrankstersSummary: Playful host Zach Ricky (Seth Meyers) is horrified when Larry Hobson (Christopher Walken), one of his older guests, presents a prank video in which he kills a co-worker with a tire iron in the name of a good laugh.

Recurring Characters: Zach Ricky.

Transcript

The ContinentalSummary: The Continental (Christopher Walken) lures a women into his penthouse apartment with the hopes of enticing her into becoming the spokesmodel for his new line of cosmetics.

Recurring Characters: The Continental.

Transcript

Life RaftSummary: Crazy Captain Tyus (Christopher Walken) wants to be leader of the men who are stranded on his life raft after surviving his boat’s crash upon an iceberg.

Transcript

African American ArchivesSummary: Don Cheadle (Dean Edwards) salutes Lucious Claymont (Tracy Morgan), the first black man to yell at the screen during a horror movie.

Recurring Characters: Don Cheadle.

Transcript

Colonel AngusSummary: Colonel Angus’ (Christopher Walken) return down South sparks quaint reflection from everyone at the plantation.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Christina Aguliera (Maya Rudolph) speaks her own language. Steve Martin makes a pointless cameo to fill air time. Will Ferrell announces that he’s now living on a farm with Britney Spears.

Recurring Characters: Christina Aguliera.

Transcript

Foo Fighters perform “All My Life”Also Appeared: 95g, 99d, 05e.

Love-ahsSummary: Roger (Will Ferrell) and Virginia Klarvin (Rachel Dratch) meet once again with Professor Walter (Christopher Walken).

Recurring Characters: Roger Klarvin, Virginia Klarvin, Walter.

Foo Fighters perform “Times Like These (One-Way Motorway)”Note: Jim Carrey joins the band and performs a guitar solo with his leg.

The Rialto GrandeSummary: Buddy Mills (Chris Kattan) jokes around with fellow comic Vic Lester (Christopher Walken).

Recurring Characters: Rodney “The Zipper” Calzoun, Buddy Mills, Mackey, cocktail waitresses.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Antiques RoadshowSummary: Homeowner (Horatio Sanz) checks the value of a beer stein.

Second Time AroundSummary: Glenda Goodwin (Maya Rudolph) speaks with (Rachel Dratch) and (Christopher Walken).

Antiques Roadshow IISummary: Homemaker (Amy Poehler) checks the value of her family photo album.

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents another adventure with The X-Presidents.

African American Archives IIRecurring Characters: Don Cheadle.

Antiques Roadshow IIISummary: Man (Tracy Morgan) checks the value of a century-old corn dog.

Board MeetingSummary: Executive (Christopher Walken) is pre-occupied with the blossoming romance between Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez during an important board meeting.

African American Archives IIISummary: Don Cheadle (Dean Edwards) salutes Mushmouth from the Fat Albert gang.

Recurring Characters: Don Cheadle.

The JukeboxSummary: A man (Christopher Walken) has reservations about what songs teenagers can play on his jukebox.

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 13
02m: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters

Colonel Angus

Written by: Tina Fey

Melinda…..Amy Poehler
Daddy…..Chris Parnell
Miss Anabelle…..Rachel Dratch
Farm Boy…..Jeff Richards
Bedelia…..Maya Rudolph
Colonel Angus…..Christopher Walken

[ open on exterior, Civil War-era plantation home, as members of a Southern family sit on the porch and reflect. A banner above the eaves reads: “Welcome Home, Colonel Angus!” ]

Melinda: [ sitting on the steps ] When’s he gonna get here, Mama?

Miss Anabelle: [ setting on her rocker ] Anytime now, child.. be patient.

Melinda: Is he very handsome?

Miss Anabelle: [ chuckles ] He’s been away at war so long, I don’t rightly remember.

Melinda: Mama! Look! There’s a carriage on the horizon!

Miss Anabelle: Oh? [ looking about ] Well, where, dear child?

Melinda: There! [ points ] Traveling down the road! Darting in and out of the cotton!

Miss Anabelle: Oh.. oh! Well, that must be the Colonel! Colonel Angus!

Melinda: [ excited ] Could it really be, Mama? Could it really be Colonel Angus?

Miss Anabelle: ..I don’t know, uh.. We haven’t seen Colonel Angus around these parts for years..

[ Daddy steps onto the porch, from inside the plantation ]

Daddy: Are you ladies out here talking about Colonel Angus?

Melinda: Yes, Daddy! I can’t wait to meet him!

Daddy: Oh, watch out, Melinda! Once a woman is introduced to Colonel Angus, she’ll settle for nothing less.

Melinda: Daddy, they say all the womenfolk just love Colonel Angus!

Daddy: Hmm.. I don’t know why people make such a big fuss over Colonel Angus!

Miss Anabelle: I myself never much cared for Colonel Angus! He rubs me the wrong way. I’m not sure why.. can’t put my finger on it..

Daddy: Colonel Angus is an acquired taste! Bedelia!

[ Bedelia, the maid, comes running onto the porch ]

Bedelia: Yes, Sir?

Miss Anabelle: Break out some fresh linens, Bedilia! We’re gonna have Colonel Angus here tonight!

Bedelia: Colonel Angus? I don’t know nothin’ about no Colonel Angus!

Daddy: Well, get ready, Bedelia. If I remember correctly, Colonel Angus can be very messy!

[ at last, Colonel Angus steps onto the porch ]

Daddy: As I live and breath! Colonel Angus!

Miss Anabelle: Oh, Colonel Angus! You old Carpetbagger!

Colonel Angus: Anabelle! I fear my visit.. is an inconvenience.

Miss Anabelle: [ laughing ] Nonsense, Colonel Angus! We’re always happy to see your shiny face!

Daddy: Colonel Angus! What brings you to these parts?

Colonel Angus: I’m headed.. down South!

Daddy: Hmm. Of course!

Miss Anabelle: Uh.. how far south are you headed, Colonel Angus?

Colonel Angus: T’ain’t really sure. I prefer the Deep South.. I like the heat.. the humidity..

Daddy: Hmmm.. sir, I do not!

Colonel Angus: [ ] And who is this.. little rosebud?

Daddy: This is our daughter, Melinda.

Melinda: Colonel Angus. The pleasure is all mine. I’ve heard so much about you.

Colonel Angus: Well, my dear.. don’t believe everything you hear.. about ol’ Colonel Angus. Colonel Angus might be rough.. Colonel Angus might not smell like a bed of roses.. but, deep down.. Colonel Angus is very sweet.

Miss Anabelle: Well, we hope you’ll spend the night with us.

Colonel Angus: Well, thank you, Miss Anabelle. And if I overstay my welcome.. just tap me on the head.

Melinda: I always dreamnt of the day.. Colonel Angus would rest his head at Shady Thicket. I always begged my Daddy: “Tell me stories about you and Colonel Angus!” But he never will.

Daddy: [ chuckling ] Well, that’s because all of my experiences with Colonel Angus end in embarrassment!

[ they all share a hearty laugh ]

Daddy: Colonel Angus.. I hear rumors.

Colonel Angus: [ sighs ] The incident.. at Big Beaver..

Daddy: Yes?

Colonel Angus: It’s true, I’m afraid.. ten men were lost.. and I suffered a great injury.. to my jaw.

Daddy: Is it true you’ve been stripped of your rank?

Colonel Angus: Yes! It is. There’ll be no more “Colonel Angus”, ladies. Call me by my given name.

Miss Anabelle: Oh, Anal..

Melinda: I so love the sound of “Colonel Angus”.. but I guess I could give Anal Angus a try.

Colonel Angus: [ to a passing farm boy ] You there, Boy! ride into town and tell the Postmaster.. that if anyone is looking for Anal Angus.. to come knockin’ at the rear entrance.. of Shady Thicket.

Farm Boy: Euuuggghhh..

Colonel Angus: If you’ll excuse me.. I’d like to freshen up.

[ Colonel Angus turns, and enters the plantation home ]

Miss Anabelle: Of course! We’ll call you when it’s time to eat, Anal! Bedelia lays out quite a spread.

Melinda: Well, I think Colonel Angus is delightful!

Daddy & Miss Anabelle: Hmmm….

Miss Anabelle: You won’t.. after forty-five minutes.

Daddy: No-o-o.. you can only take so much of Colonel Angus.

[ fade ]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 13

02m: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters

African-American Archives

Don Cheadle…..Dean Edwards
Lucious Claymont…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: For the History Channel, this is “African-American Archives”.

[ dissolve to Don Cheadle standing before image of Lucious Claymont ]

Don Cheadle: The year was 1935. Hollywood was in its first Golden Age, and a man named Lucious Claymont would go down in motion picture history, with a film called “Bride of Frankenstein.”

[ dissolve to movie poster for “The Bride of Frankenstein” ]

Lucious didn’t direct the film, nor act in it, nor did he have any part in its production; but he did buy a ticket.

[ dissolve back to Don Cheadle standing before image of Lucious Claymont ]

While the non-classic film unspooled, and everyone in the audience watched in rapt silence, Lucious, in a then unheard-of display of emotion, rose to his feet and simply said, “Oh, no you ain’t! Oh, no you ain’t going in that monster’s castle!”

[ dissolve to various still photos of Lucious Claymont communicating with the moving picture from his seat in the theater ]

On that faithful day, Lucious Claymont became the first African-American man to yell at the movie screen, attempting, through sheer volume and determination, to communicate with the characters on the screen, and warn them of impending danger.

[ dissolve back to Don Cheadle ]

It would take some time, but soon, thanks to this one brave pioneer, black people everywhere would have the courage to yell at the movie screen. From the loudest, “I know you ain’t even gonna be openin’ that closet!” to the most plaintive, “Oh, no you didn’t! He nasty!”

It all began with the great Lucious Claymont. For the History Channel, I’m Don Cheadle.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 13

02m: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters

The Continental

The Continental…..Christopher Walken

Announcer: The sun is set. The stars shine in the sky. The night air is tinged with anticipation. And it is time to meet the Continental.

[ a glove breezes past the Continental’s door, ringing the doorbell ]

The Continental: [ opens the door ] Ouch! You must be the fashion model.. who answered my ad in the Penny Saver. Welcome to my abode.. come in.. please. [ the camera enters the apartment, as the Continnetal stares ] Wow! You would.. you would make a beautiful spokesperson.. for my new line.. of cosmetic. Please, sit.. Sit, please. Please.. sit. [ sits next to the Continental, looking at him cautiously ] Normally, I would offer you.. vintage Champagna.. and cavier. But.. I have grown impatient with the French. Ever since the Froggy stabbed Colin Powell in the back.. I eschew all things French.. no more! Camembert.. fois gras.. eau de cologne.. Frenchie, from “American Idol”.. and, big surprise to me.. champagna! Who knew! That’s the only place champagna come from! But.. my word is my bond.. it is done. Instead.. I offer you. effervescent.. Andre’s Cold Duck. [ camera shakes head no ] No? Ah. Then.. let me offer you.. a nosh. I must confess.. without the frogs, my cuisine – excuse me, “food” – has suffered.. but.. what have we here? [ holds out tray of vending machine snacks ] Bugles.. with cream cheese. We got.. ants-on-a-log – hello! Combos.. they cheese your hunger away! Enjoy! While I freshen up..

[ The Continental exits the front room, as the camera looks about the room. Camera focuses on a row of books on a shelf, pulls one out and opens it, as if to read, discovering instead a copy of Snoop Dogg’s “Doggy-Style” edition of “Girls Gone Wild”. Camera pans right to find the Contnental has returned, pleased with the video discovery ]

I cannot help but notice.. you admire my video collection! Snoop! You gotta love the guy.. he knows how to spend his money, huh! Do you enjoy some spice.. in your video life? What you see here.. is the tip.. of the iceberg. The rest is concealed away. Would you like to take a peek? Maybe.. we could make a movie together. [ camera shakes head no ] I toy with you. Hey! I got toys, too! I gotta camera.. I got the whole schmear! No? [ camera flees for the door, intercepted as usual by the overzealous Continental ] Wow! Wowee-wow-wow! You.. are fast! Sit, please. You are too.. [ kisses woman’s outstretched hand ] ..exquisite.. to leave so soon, you.. wof.. my arctic hush puppy! Let me show you my line.. of homemade products.. you will model. No animals used.. lip gloss.. hmm? Try some. [ dips finger in gooey lip gloss, holds it in front of camera’s “mouth”, then quickly retrieves it after being “bitten” ] Owww!!! If that was love bite.. then, you must love me a lot! Look at this.. you broke the skin! Bad vixen! You naughty cougar! I forgive you.. but.. you must kiss it! Come on, tiger! Kiss it! You must kiss it.. [ holds his hurt finger in front of camera ] Come on, come on, come on.. make it better! [ points his finger seductively down to his crotch; the camera agains flees for the door, but The Continental once again blocks the path ]

Forgive me, please.. my passions overtook me. I forgot myself, and let the little head think for the big one. What can I say? I’m a guy! [ laughs ] Okay! Forget lip gloss.. it stinks.. it’s junk.. ptooie! [ spits ] Focus on hand cream.. it’s the shiznit. [ kisses woman’s hand, then leads the way to his wondrous hand cream ] Come! Let me show you the engine that powers my light. Come! I beseech you! Behold! [ holds up what looks to have been a food jar of some kind ] Behold.. Continental hand cream. Good.. huh? I package it myself.. also, guess what? Once upon a time, this was Vlasic pickle jar.. the lable comes off.. in the dishwasher. Wowee! [ laughs ] You know.. beauty.. it’s so important.. especially in these dark times.. because.. without beauty, the terrorists.. will have truly won. Can.. can you step closer, please? Little closer. [ camera moves closer, as The Continental looks down at the floor; camera looks down as well, only to discover a her reflection on a floor mirror ] Wow! Wowee-wow-wow-wow! “I see London.. I see France.. I see something..” No, wait! Wait, no! no, don’t leave! Please! My intention.. my intention, you misunderstood! Please, forgive me! Wait! If you change your mind, you can call me!

[ camera flees for the door, makes her exit, then slams the door behind her and runs ]

Announcer: Join us again next week, for another chapter in the life of.. The Continental.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 13

02m: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters

Goodnights

…..Christopher Walken

Christopher Walken: Thanks.. to the Foo Fighters.. Will Ferrell.. [ audience explodes with applause ] Steve Martin.. Steve Martin! Britney Spears.. and Jim Carrey!

[ Walken looks around for Jim Carrey, who’s lingering near Steve Martin in the sea of talent behind him ]

Where is he?

[ Walken finally finds Jim Carrey, and they hug ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 13

02m: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters

Hardball

Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Douglas Feith…..Chris Parnell
Dominique de Villepen…..Christopher Walken

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! In the last week, millions of Americans have gathered together to protest the impending war with Iraq! Listen, protestors, I got news for ya: Bush is ignoring France, Germany, China and Russia; he’s definitely not gonna listen to some white kid with dreadlocks banging on his frat buddy’s bongo drum! Can anything stop this red, white and blue freight train, or is Baghdad about to have more craters than Edward Jame Olmos’ face? With us today, one of the honkiest honks around, a guy who puts the “Grr!” in “warmonger”; Undersecretary of Defense, Douglas Feith.

Douglas Feith: Hello, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Shut it! Also joining us, the man whose anti-war stance has given Bush more trouble than the People Magazine crossword puzzle, French Foreign Minister, Dominique de Villepen.

Dominique de Villepen: Allo.. Messieur Matthew.

Chris Matthews: That was fine! You people in the State Department are hell-bent on attacking Saddam! I haven’t seen a group of people this crazy for blood, since the Cobra Kai chased Daniel-san out of the Halloween dance in “The Karate Kid”!

Douglas Feith: [ confused ] What?

Chris Matthews: Answer the question!

Douglas Feith: [ needlessly arguing with Chris ] You didn’t ask me a question!

Chris Matthews: Answer it!

Douglas Feith: [ sighs ] Chris, we find it apalling how Saddam Hussein is ignoring the United Nations! He has ignored the United Nations for almost fifteen years! America only wants to ignore the United Nations for seven to ten days. Then, we’ll go right back to pretending we care what they say.

Chris Matthews: [ shaking his head ] I’m gonna assume you know that that’s stupid, and I’m gonna move on. Inspector Clouseau! Your thoughts!

Dominique de Villepen: Chris.. France does not oppose this war because we are pro-Iraq.. we oppose it because we are anti-America! I mean.. let’s face it.. you guys are ridiculous. You are loud..

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Dominique de Villepen: ..greedy..

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Dominique de Villepen: ..bloodthirsty..

Chris Matthews: Check!

Dominique de Villepen: ..boorish..

Chris Matthews: Uh-huh!

Dominique de Villepen: You’re a bunch of fat.. oil-guzzling, ham-faces!

Chris Matthews: That’s big talk from a country whose only contributions to world culture in the last 50 years are Gerard Depardieu and that horny skunk!

Dominique de Villepen: [ insulted ] Pepe le Pew! Eh? What about him?

Douglas Feith: Uh.. uh.. Chris! Can I say something? Uh.. many people are, uh.. accusing this administration of warmongering! The fact is, military conflict was not our first option; it was simply the only one we considered. Uh.. I mean.. we would have loved to have solved this peacefully, but you know as well as I do, that simply would not have been any fun.

Chris Matthews: Man, oh man! There’s more testosterone in the Pentagon right now than in Mike Tyson’s urine! Jacques Cousteau! Will France ever support military action?

Dominique de Villepen: Certanly. The truth.. of the matter.. we don’t wish to prevent war. We hate Saddam. But.. we know how much Bush wants war.. so we.. want to make it as hard as possible.. just to be, how you say.. “douchebag”.

Chris Matthews: [ chuckling ] Wow! I gotta say, Tin-Tin, I like your style! Douglas Feith! North Korea, by all accounts, poses a larger threat! Why go after Iraq first?!

Douglas Feith: Well, I think it’s pretty logical, Chris. We’re doing it alphabetically.

Chris Matthews: Uh-huh..

Douglas Feith: Afghanistan.. Iraq.. North Korea.. next will be Puerto Rico.. then, Sweden. We’re hoping to finish up with Zimbabwe by 2006.

Chris Matthews: I want to try something. Hey, Feith! How would you fix the American economy?

Douglas Feith: I’d bomb it.

Chris Matthews: How about education?

Douglas Feith: Blow it up.

Chris Matthews: What would you do if a deli screwed up your lunch order!

Douglas Feith: Assassinate him.

Chris Matthews: [ laughing ] That’s what I thought! Ha ha! Francie! Anything left to add!

Dominique de Villepen: I hate you. I’m bored.

Chris Matthews: [ singing ] “Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques, shut your hole!” When we come back, Douglas Feith’s gonna explain why we should invade Wisconsin! and then, you’re gonna hear French Ambassador Dominique de Villepen say..

Dominique de Villepen: “Live.. from New York.. it’s.. Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts