Christopher Walken: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
[ audience applauds wildly ]
You know.. this is..
[ audience seems unable to stop applauding; it’s Christopher Walken, after all ]
You know.. this is the part of the show.. where you can be.. yourself.. and do whatever you want. Hit it!
[ the SNL Band strikes up a tune behind Walken, as he sings and dances for the audience’s delight ]
[singing, and dancing ] “I know why I waited Know why I’ve been blue. Prayed each night for someone Exactly like you!
Why should we spend money on a show or two? No one does those love scenes exactly like you!
Now, I know my mother taught me to be true She meant me for someone exactly like you!”
[ stops singing, returns to his speech ]
You see.. we tried.. all week..
[ audience explodes with applause ]
All week, we tried to think of something to do at the top of the show, and couldn’t. Then, I thought.. I’ve done the show six times, just.. get it over with! I can do crazy mix-em-ups. Whatever I want! I can tap dance.
[ moves his feet rapidly, in an effort to keep up with the tap-dancing sound effects ]
And then I remembered.. what always works: Girls!!
[ Las Vegas-style showgirls surround Walken and dance, as he continues his song ]
“I know my mother taught me to be true She meant me for someone exactly like you!”
[ to the showgirls ] Thank you, and you.. [ faces the audience ] We got a great show for you. Foo Fighters are here. So.. stick around.. we’ll be right back.
[ cut to show jingle, which features a montage of Zack Ricky playing pranks: putting whoopie cushion under chair, setting up bucket of water over door jamb, etc. ]
Jingle: When your back is turned Here comes a prank! You’re gonna get burned Here comes a prank!
When the worm is turned Your lesson will be learned! You’re watching “Pranksters”!”
[ dissolve to zany show set ]
Zack Ricky: Welcome to “Pranksters!”
[ cue “Bo-i-i-i-inggg” sound effect ]
Zack Ricky: Yeah! We have another totally awseome episode for you today! Totally awesome if you’re cool, that is! If your some Stiffly Stifferson, who has a prank coming your way, you might not be as psyched! But enough chit-chat! Let’s bring out our first Prankster – Danny Einhorn!
[ cue fun-whistle siren sound effect ]
[ Danny, in bleached blonde hair and baggy clothes, enters set ]
Danny Einhorn: Hey hey, what’s up!
Zack Ricky: Hey!
Danny Einhorn: It’s so great to be here! I love the show!
Zack Ricky: Well, it’s always great to meet another prankster! Tell us a little bit about your target!
Zack Ricky: Great sound effects! Ted the Sound Effects guy!
Danny Einhorn: [ excited to tell his story ] Well! Some have called her a queen-sized Stiffly Stifferson, but I call her.. “my sister”!
[ cue foghorn sound effect ]
Danny Einhorn: [ giggles ]
Zack Ricky: Well, thanks to our patented Prankster Hidden Camera, we can see exactly what went down!
[ dissolve to Danny’s sister’s room, where he has entered and invaded during her absence; Danny holds a rubber rat up before the hidden camera ]
Danny Einhorn V/O: The thing about my sister is – she hates.. rats!
Zack Ricky V/O: Uh-oh! Look like Sis might be in some trouble!
Danny Einhorn V/O: Hah hah ha! You bet! It was Prom night.. so I was pretty sure Sis would be making a move for some jewelry.. ha ha! And, sure enough..
[ on video, Danny hides the rubber rat in Sister’s jewelry box, then hides in the closet; soon, Sister enters room ]
Zack Ricky V/O: Uh-oh! Look out, Sis!
Danny Einhorn: Ha ha! I know!
[ on video, Sister opens her jewelry box, discovering the rubber rat and reacting thusly ]
Sister (on video): Aaaggghhhhh!!!! Danny!!
[ on video, Danny come running out of the closet, as Sister comes after him; Danny gives the thumbs-up to the hidden camera, as the “Prank!” logo graphic covers the screen ]
[ dissolve back to “Pranksters” studio ]
Zack Ricky V/O: Whammy, blammy, yowee-zowee! You’ve just been pranked!
[ cue bricks falling sound effect ]
Danny Einhorn: Got ‘er!! [ laughs ]
Zack Ricky: Thanks for stopping by, Danny! And, to all you sisters out there: Never yank a prankster!
[ cue “Bo-i-i-i-inggg” sound effect ]
Zack Ricky: Well, let’s bring out our next Prankster – Larry Hobson!
[ cue fun-whistle siren sound effect ]
[ Larry, a grown man, enters set ]
Larry Hobson: Thanks, Zack! I’m a huge fan! I’m such a huge fan! Huge!
Zack Ricky: Thank you, Larry. You know, I’m gonna come right out and say it: you’re a lot older than most of our Pranksters.
Larry Hobson: Well.. I like to think all Pranksters are young at heart.
Zack Ricky: All right! Sounds good! Now, tell us about your target!
[ cue bow-and-arrow sound effect ]
Larry Hobson: This guy.. I’ll tell ya.. he was a Stiffy Stifferson like you wouldn’t believe, his name is Phil.. and he always takes my parking space at work.
Zack Ricky: [ speaking to the camera ] I’m getting the feeling you probably shouldn’t have done that, Phil!
Larry Hobson: [ trying to stifle his laughter ] I think.. he probably.. agrees with you, now! [ laughs ]
[ cue foghorn sound effect ]
Zack Ricky: Well, let’s not waste any time! Prankster Hidden Camera, go!
[ dissolve to video of employee prking lot, as Larry enters frame by Phil’s car, smiles at the hidden camera, then hides behind Phil’s car ]
Larry Hobson V/O: Okay! This.. is from.. last Friday. I sneaked down early, and hid behind Phil’s car.
Zack Ricky V/O: Looks like you’d better brace yourself, Phil!
[ on video, Phil enters frame, grinning smugly as he fishes his keys from his pocket and opens the driver’s-side door ]
Larry Hobson V/O: Look.. how proud he looks with his parking spot!
Zack Ricky V/O: [ anticipating a great prank ] I can’t wait for him to get it!
[ on video, Larry jumps out from behind Phil’s car, and proceeds to smash Phil’s backside with a rusty tire iron, until Phil’s lifeless body slumps onto the pavement; still clutching the tire iron with his right hand, Larry jumps in front of the hidden camera and displays a victory thumbs-up with his left hand, as the “Prank!” logo graphic covers the screen ]
[ dissolve back to “Pranksters” studio ]
Larry Hobson: [ laughing uproariously ]
Zack Ricky: [ stunned by the freakish turn of events ] Wha-wha-what happened?
Larry Hobson: I jumped out and pranked him! To death with a tire iron!
[ cue buggy horn sound effect ]
Zack Ricky: What?!
Larry Hobson: [ fighting the tears from laughing so hard ] Yeah! You shoulda seen the look.. on his face! Classic!
[ cue splatting sound effect ]
Zack Ricky: [ appalled ] Hold on.. I-I-I-I don’t understand..
Larry Hobson: What’s not to understand?! He was a Stiffly Stifferson.. so I stuck it to ‘im! Whammy!! Whammy, wowee, zowee! You just been.. pranked!
[ cue sound effect ]
Zack Ricky: Can we, uh.. can we cut the sound effects, Ted? Please?
Larry Hobson: He.. he had it coming, Zack! He yanked the Prankster! Right, Ted?
[ cue sound effect ]
Zack Ricky: Ted, I’m serious! Cut off the sound effects! Larry, is this some sort of prank you’re playing on me?
Larry Hobson: [ flabbergasted ] Prank you?! Why, I-I-I-I’d never prank you.. you’re my hero!
[ cue sound effect ]
Zack Ricky: [ annoyed ] Ted! Come on! now, a man has died here!
[ cue descending trombone sound effect ]
Larry Hobson: You’re being a Stiffly Stifferson, Zack..
Zack Ricky: No! No, no, no, no, no! I’m not being one..
Larry Hobson: Good. Because I hate Stiffly Stiffersons. I wanna prank them for hours.. in my basement.
Zack Ricky: Well, then.. obviously.. this has been a particularly sad episode of “Pranksters”..
[ cue descending trombone sound effect ]
Zack Ricky: [ more annoyed ] Ted, you and I are gonna have to have a conversation, alright?! [ glumly, to the camera ] So.. we’ll see you next week.. on “Pranskters”.
Raft Voter…..Will Forte Mr. Tyus…..Christopher Walken Liam Cook…..Fred Armisen Gary the Passenger…..Seth Meyers
[Open on a videotaped shot of the ocean with the super: Somewhere In The Atlantic at the bottom. Fade in on four men sitting miserably in an orange life raft. One of the men, The Raft Voter, stands up]
Raft Voter: Well, gentlemen, dawn is upon us, and it looks like we’re all here. Last night, we decided we needed to elect a raft captain, and all three of you threw your hats into the ring. As the sole voter, I asked you to prepare some speeches. Mr. Tyus, you’re first.
Mr. Tyus: [ stands up ] Good morning, it’s good to be here. I suppose I should start by addressing what’s.. surely on all your minds: my record as a captain. I realize you probably know me best as the captain who sunk our ship.. and brought about this regrettable situation. I can see now that it was foolish.. to take a shortcut.. through.. Iceberg Alley when it was only going to shave 10.. 15 minutes off our three-week trip. I can also admit that it was a mistake to use all the flares from this lifeboat.. to light my farts. I was trying to improve.. raft morale, but only succeeded in causing some.. [flubs saying pretty serious] prettious serious.. burn scars. Also, in regards to the past two nights, I’d like to apologize for the gay stuff.
Raft Voter: Alright. A lot of very compelling points. Thank you for that honesty. Our next candidate for Raft Captain is our cook, Leo.
Cook: Hello. Thank you. You all know that I’ve been saying for days that we should fashion some sort of sail out of our clothes.
Mr. Tyus: Oh, come on! Get this joker outta here!
Raft Voter: I’m sorry, Mr. Tias, your-
Mr. Tyus: The cook doesn’t know what he’s talking about – he’s a cook!
Raft Voter: I-I’m sorry.. Mr. Tias, please..
Mr. Tyus: [ nastily ] Fine!
Raft Voter: Okay. Continue, Leo.
Cook: Well.. you don’t need to be a cook to know that our food situation is dire. We need to ration our food! There has been no reason to throw our food in the water as bait, when we have no means to catch the fish.
Mr. Tyus: We all know that now! It’s easy to say that now!
Cook: [ sighs ] Vote for me, and I promise to make a concerted effort to-
Mr. Tyus: [sarcastically] L-likely story! That’s crap! Boo!
Cook: I didn’t even say anything!
Mr. Tyus: Look! If I could jump in here.. I know everyone’s still upset that, on my lookout shift, I didn’t try to flag down that Carnival cruise line. But.. I swear, from a distance, I could have sworn it was a pirate ship! They were playing music.. having a good time.. you know, “pirate” stuff!
Passenger: We’re all pretty familiar with pirate stu —
Mr. Tyus: Hey! It’s not your turn! Who’s running this.. thing?
Raft Voter: I am. And, actually, it is his turn.
Passenger: Great. Look, I’ll be brief. I think we can all agree that we have a problem on this raft. A problem that slathers on sunblock as if it’s in limitless supply! A problem that sings songs [Mr. Tyus rubs an oar past the Passengers chest as he talks. The Passenger shoves it away from him] without knowing any of the lyrics. A problem that urinates and defecates in the boat, as opposed to into the water! [ swats away at the oar Mr. Tyus is purposely rubbing past his chest again ] STOP IT!!
Mr. Tyus: [ innocently ] What?!! I’m paddling!
Cook: It’s not even touching the water!
Mr. Tyus: Oh! I know what this is all about. Fine! I’m sorry I threw the.. the oar at that bird! It seemed so close! [stands up and swings the oar around] These.. birds.. are like.. flying optical illusions! Oh, cripes! There’s a bird! [ throws the oar into the water ] Look at that.. not even close.
Passenger: [to Cook] There goes our last oar.
Mr. Tyus: Look at that.. not even close.
Passenger: Yeah, that was our last oar.
Mr. Tyus: [ a beat, alarmed ] There’s no stopping the BIRD ATTACKS now!!
Passenger: [ stands up, says quickly ] In closing, I would just like to say that I don’t think this guy should be Captain any more!
Mr. Tyus: You know.. this is hardly fair! Gary’s biased! He’s had it in for me since the minute I tried to eat ‘im! You’ve got a long memory, my friend!
Cook: That was two days ago.
Mr. Tyus: No hard feelings on this end, pal! That’s what happens on a cocaine high! But.. I’m outta cocaine, people. That’s not gonna be a problem any more!
Raft Voter: Duly noted.
Mr. Tyus: And, again.. if this is about the recent gay stuff.. I’m working on that!
Raft Voter: Okay. If you’re done, Mr. Tias, it’s time to vote.
Mr. Tyus: You know.. I got one last thing I’d like to say: I’m worried.. that you don’t know how much I.. want this. Sure, I made mistakes.. but I go for it! I really go for it! And, if I don’t get this.. I’m gonna go crazy!!Really berserk!!
Passenger: So, just to clarify, you haven’t gone crazy yet.
Mr. Tyus: [ outraged ] What’d you say.. lunch?!
[ Passenger tries to escape by going overboard, but Mr. Tyus lunges for him and bites his back ]
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey Christina Aguilera…..Maya Rudolph …..Steve Martin …..Will Ferrell …..Britney Spears
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Centre, this is Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon, and Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.
Well, this week the mind-blowing conclusion of “Joe Millionaire” that Fox promised turned out to be nothing more than a monetary prize. This was not nearly as exciting as the rumoured surprised twist that Evan Marriott is really a shaved ape.
NBC will launch a new reality series this Spring called “Who Wants To Marry My Mom?” Not to be outdone, Fox has announced plans for a new show called “Vagina Auction.”
Tina Fey: Well, the awesome, super effective office of Homeland Security unveiled a major, new advertising campaign this week designed to help the public prepare for possible terror attacks. Now we have a couple of the print ads here, so let’s take a look at them in advance.
Now this first one is just a general statement to be placed on billboards. (Holds up a picture of the devil with the warning: DON’T RELAX) That’s just to help everybody out on what you should do. This next one I think is for New York City subways. (A sign saying DO YOU SMELL SOMETHING WEIRD?) Do you smell something weird? You better hope its pee!! This next one is to tell people of places they might want to avoid. For example (A sign of Osama Bin Laden walking around the city), avoid the outdoors, there’s bad guys everywhere. Also, avoid the indoors (a picture of a family with Osama Bin Laden looking in though the window), see a nice family with Osama Bin Laden looking through the window. This one is going up in elementary school (a picture of a skull that says, WE’RE GONNA GET YOU) to help the kids to deal with what’s going on. And finally this last one tells you exactly what to do at each level of terror alert (picture of a man screaming that says, AAAGH, AAAGH!!) So thank you office of homeland security. They’re working over time to help you crap your pants. Back to you Jimmy!!
A group of wealthy democratic donors are trying to start a liberal radio network which would feature 14 hours of daily commentary. The only question that remains is, can Phil Donahue talk for 14 consecutive hours? Yes, yes he can.
Tina Fey: This Sunday, CBS will air the 45th Annual Grammy Awards held right here in New York City. Here with her thoughts is former Grammy winner, Christina Aguilera.
Christina Aguilera: Hey Jimmy, hi Tina. Wassup, how you feeling?
Tina Fey: We feel great. Now what about you? Your album didn’t come out in time to be nominated so how does that make you feel?
Christina Aguilera: Oh, you know its just, (laughs) I don’t know I feel like [ sining ] “Noooooooooo, oh oh oh no..”
Tina Fey: So is that good or bad?
Christina Aguilera: Come on Tina boo. You know how we do. Its just like my momma used to say to me, she’d be all like: “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, oh, oh, oh, oh ”
Tina Fey: I don’t know what that means.
Christina Aguilera: Tina girl, I’m an artist. You know? It’s like whatever you know, I’m like nobody’s puppet or muppet, and you know as far as the Grammy’s go I just feel like: “Maoooooooooooohhhhhh.. ahhhhh, ah , ah ah ”
Jimmy Fallon: Hang on Tina I think I understood that. She’s saying she is going to watch the awards this year
( Christina begins singing as Jimmy translates)
Jimmy Fallon: From her house
(Christina continues singing)
Jimmy Fallon: Under a pile
(Singing continues)
Jimmy Fallon: Under a pile of Orlando Magic basketball players
(Christina continues to sing, reaching higher notes than before)
Jimmy Fallon: She also says that she heard all the jokes you’ve been telling about her
(Singing continues)
Jimmy Fallon: You’d better watch your back
(Singing continues)
Jimmy Fallon: Biotch!!
Tina Fey: Christina Aguilera everybody!!
Well according to friends of Billy Joel, the piano man’s new 25 year old girlfriend bears a striking resemblance to his daughter Alexis. If Freud were alive today and was asked to comment on this, I’m sure he’d say, I’m the father of modern psycho-analysis miraculously brought back to life in the 21st Century, and your asking me about Billy Joel’s girlfriend?
According to new agricultural guidelines, farmers in Colorado will now be allowed to grow genetically modified corn. Genetically modified corn is the same as regular corn except that when you bite into it, it screams.
(Steve Martin walks into the screen)
Tina Fey: Hi Steve. What are you doing here?
Steve Martin: I’m doing a cameo.
Tina Fey: Oh, ok. Just doing a cameo huh?
Steve Martin: Yeah, I was just at home in bed, and I thought, “I’d like to do a cameo.”
Jimmy Fallon (quietly) So, what’s he doing?
Tina Fey: (quietly) He say’s he’s doing a cameo.
Jimmy Fallon: Steve, do you wanna tell a joke or something?
Steve Martin: Oh, no. Just doing a cameo. And I think its going well.
Tina Fey: Uh, how long is your cameo?
Steve Martin: Just regular cameo length. Just a few more seconds and there we go.
Tina Fey: Oh, alright. Well, great work, that was a really great cameo.
Steve Martin: You think? (Gives thumbs up, and then leaves)
Tina Fey: Steve Martin everybody.
Mike Tyson surprised sports fans this week, with a new tattoo on his face. But before you judge Mike Tyson’s new tattoo, wait until its finished so you can see the entire rape scene.
Next week is the eating disorders awareness week – fatsos!
The Dallas Cowboys’ Cheerleaders announced this week that they will be holding tryouts across the country to find new stars for their squad. Hmm lets see (pulls out a notepad, begins writing) I’ll need dancing lessons, yes, yes $4000 for a boob job, and some duct tape to hide my penis yes, yes Tina Fey, this plan might work
Tina Fey: In other news, rumours are circulating in England of a possible Spice Girls reunion (gets cut off by Jimmy)
Jimmy Fallon: Oh wow!! Thank god, I can finally end my hunger strike. (Jimmy pulls out a huge burger and begins to eat it)
Tina Fey: Eat it!! All of it (Jimmy continues to eat, then stops to laugh) Eat it all!! (Jimmy begins eating again) That’s like 8 hours old, by the way. Alright now a good friend of ours here at SNL (to Jimmy) are you alright?
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah
Tina Fey: (back on track) A good friend of ours here at SNL left the show last year and none of us has seen him since. There has been an air of mystery of what he’s been up to, here to talk about it, is our own, beloved Will Ferrell!!
Will Ferrell: Hi Tina, hi Jimmy!! Ah, sorry I haven’t kept in touch the truth of the matter is, I quit the biz.
Tina Fey: You quit show business??
Will Ferrell: That’s right Tina, I quit. Got myself a little place up in little Sonoma . Not too big. I do some farming, raise some organic chickens, make my payments, and hang out with my special lady.
Tina Fey: well, that sounds pretty nice actually.
Will Ferrell: Yeah, it was my girlfriend’s idea. I guess she was tired of show business too, and suggested you know what? What am I doing? I should let her tell the story. Ah, Britney, you wanna My new lady Britney Spears everybody!! (Britney comes and sits next to Will) Oops oops oops, I did it again. I fell in love with Miss Britney Spears!
Britney Spears: Will, your embarrassing me.
Will Ferrell: I’m sorry, I’m sorry I guess love makes me do crazy things.
Jimmy Fallon: So its not Colin Farrell, its Will Ferrell?
Britney Spears: I think we’re a little past the dating, Jimmy.
Will Ferrell: Yes, I little past dating. (laughs)
Britney Spears: Yes, yes.
Tina Fey: Now Britney, there’s been a lot of crazy rumours about you in the tabloids lately. I read yesterday that your running a Columbian drug car tail, or what are you doing
Britney Spears: I mean, these tabloids are ridiculous really. They follow you around, they take your picture, they rat on every move you make. You know what its like, Tina
Tina Fey: No, no I don’t know
Will Ferrell: Listen to me paparazzi! You stay away from my Britney!!
Britney Spears: Now, come on you guys, you can’t believe these tabloids. The truth is, I’m living on a farm in Northern California with Will, Will Ferrell here, and I love him so much, he’s so funny yes, so funny. Oh, yesterday we were in the barn, and
Will Ferrell: Oh yes, you’ve gotta listen. This is great, tell it, tell it!!
Britney Spears: Okay, and our cows walking right? Now this poor cow, he’s so sick, I mean, me and Will, we know nothing about farming.
Will Ferrell: Yeah, we’re horrible farmers. All our animals are sick. All of them
Britney Spears: Yeah, all of them. So I say, ‘ maybe we should try and milk her’ right? So Will says, ‘maybe I should try and milk you.’
(Britney and Will both start giggling)
Will Ferrell: Yeah, I did!! I said that!! I can be pretty crazy
Jimmy Fallon: Will, Will!! I thought you were married
Will Ferrell: Jimmy, look who it is!! It’s Britney Spears!!
Britney Spears: Jimmy, if only you could know how much I love this man, like
Will Ferrell: I’m gonna cry!!
Britney Spears: Don’t cry!!
Will Ferrell: I am gonna cry!! (Britney continually tells him not to cry, and he keeps telling her he’s going to cry)
Tina Fey: Gross!! I mean, great!! Will Ferrell and Britney Spears everyone!!
Will Ferrell: Buy our dairy foods!!
Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.
(Jimmy is about the throw the pencil, but a karate man comes breaks it in half with his hand)
106 & Park Top 10 Live Baby K (Jeff Richards) and manager/nanny (Latifah) demonstrate new rap. Recurring Characters: Baby K.
Live! with Regis & Kelly Frenchie Davis (Latifah) joshes with Regis (Darrell Hammond) & Kelly (Amy Poehler). Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Kelly Ripa, Gelman.
Who Farted? Contestants confined to cramped room seek the answer.
Where Are They Now? The Cherylettes (Latifah, Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler) are remembered.
I’m A Celebrity: Who Farted? Celebrities confined in cramped room seek the answer. Recurring Characters: Gary Busey, Gilbert Gottfried, Paula Poundstone.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Khalid Shaikh Mohammed (Horatio Sanz) doesn’t like his news photo. Dustin Hoffman (Jeff Richards) says New York hosts Weekend Update. Trevor the Broadway Guy (Chris Parnell) is sad about show closures.
Ms. Dynamite performs “Dy-na-mi-tee”
Give Up The Ham Drunken writer’s sketch may or may not have intended world peace analogy.
TV Funhouse The X-Presidents cast new pro-war propaganda film.
Profiles In Jazz Alberta Jones (Latifah) sang outwardly-obvious suggestive lyrics. Recurring Characters: Jack Perkins, Louis Armstrong.
Walgreens Friendly service of family-owned store is not the blessing intended.
Mr. Rogers Tribute Horatio Sanz sings “You Are My Friend” in remembrance.
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond Bob Dole…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on ticking stopwatch ]
Announcer: Tonight on “60 Minutes”, the return of Point/Counterpoint. Here to debate the impending war in Iraq, are former President Bill Clinton.. and Senator Bob Dole.
[ dissolve to Bill Clinton and Bob Dole seated opposite one another in studio ]
Bill Clinton: Bob. How did our diplomatic strategy on Iraq.. fall apart so badly.. so fast. In little over tow years.. this administration has squandered every foreign policy achievement of the 90’s, and, through its arrogant, unilateral approach, has succeeded only in provoking our enemies, and alienating our friends. Not a day goes by that I don’t get a phone call from some head of state who’ll ask me, “What the hell is going on in your country? When you were president, the economy was moving, the world was at peace, America as admired and respected throughout the world.. can’t you do something?” And I’ll tell them, that, while I appreciate their kind words and share some of their concerns, I feel that it would be inappropriate for me to undermine President Bush by publicly criticizing him. And they’ll say, “But you were so great to work with as President.. you were so visionary, so well-informed.. can’t you run again in 2004?” [ laughs heartily, holds up thumb and bites lips ] And, again, I thank them, but point out that I served my two terms, and I feel I should give others the chance. And they’ll say, “But you’re still so young! In 2004, you’ll only be 58.. and that’s younger than most presidents are in their first term.” And I’ll just say, “Well, that’s true, and the Constitution does permit me to run for a third non-consecutive term – or, it ought to. But, right now, 2004 is the furthest thing from my mind.” “Bill, please consider it,” they’ll say, “because, God, we need you. The world needs you.” And, of course, I thank Tony Blair, or Jacques Chirac, or Mr. Putin, or Pervez Mussharraf, or Kofi Annan or Jean Chretien, or Jiang Zemin, or whoever it is! Nelson Mandela calls a lot. He’s a fan. It’s all very flattering, and it’s all very sweet. But, the fact is, I’m enjoying my retirement from public life, and I’m just a private citizen who wants to support President Bush in any way I can. and the best advice I can give him right now is to go back to the United Nations, let the inspectors do their jobs, keep the pressure on, and work with our allies in France, Germany, and Russia.
Bob Dole: [ clears throat ] Bill.. you ignorant slut. [ audience erupts in applause ] Saddam Hussein is a boil that needs to be lanced, and we’re gonna lance it! So why don’t you and little European pal just run along and have a garden party! Eat your sandwiches with the crust cut off, and watercress salad for dessert! Put on your tiny little swimsuits, frolick on the lawn! Throw a beach ball like a girl, explore the different aspects of your sexuality! And if you just step aside and let us – the British, the Spanish, and Australians – take care of business! While I’ve got you, here’s another thing: Tell your Hillary to lay off my wife, Libby! She’s a senator now! She doesn’t have to take that kind of guff she’s been getting from your old lady! Next time she comes home to in tears because Hillary’s made some snide remark about her in the Senate cloakroom, or.. she’s rolling her eyes at my wife in a committee hearing, I’m gonna jump in my car, head over to the Capitol, and beat her like a rented mule! Don’t think the Secret Service or Capitol police can protect her! ‘Cause I know how to get the drop on her! I know every secret passageway, trap door and revolving bookcase in that building! sooner or later, I’ll get her alone! and, when I do, I’ll kick her hippie behind like it’s never been kicked! And by the way, I don’t want to hear any more Viagra or Britney Spears jokes! I’m not ashamed of my commercial endorsements! I have a family to provide for, and.. I didn’t have the rich Hollywood friends buying me houses! The no-show job at Dreamworks! Or the $10 million advance on a book! Bob Dole didn’t have those things! Now, you look me in the eye and tell me that you’ve written one page of that book, Bill Clinton! You can’t! Because you haven’t written Word One! Because you are what you’ve always been: an indolent, borderline, sociopathic, hedonistic, sexual predator! Full of pointy-headed Oxford-bred socialism! Who would have us all dragged back to the era of Stalin, Mao and Ho Chi Minh!
Announcer: This has been Point/Counterpoint. And now, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
A.J…..Dean Edwards Free…..Maya Rudolph Baby K…..Jeff Richards Lady Three…..Queen Richards
AJ: Aye whats up ya’ll AJ here!
Free: And this is Free. Whats crackalackin’ my homies?
AJ: Ayooo! Today we got one of the hottest new artists on the scene here at 106 and Park, this cat is hot!
Free: Straight Up! This little dude is crumptastic. Ya Feel Me?
AJ: Word! My man is half man – half amazing. He’s unstoppable, and hes only 18 months old!
Free: Before we take him out here – let’s take a look at his latest joint, Baby K everyone.
(Baby K music video comes on)
AJ: Ayoo! Man, joining us now is the hottest MC out there three feet of heat! Baby K with his producer, mix master, and nanny, Lady Three! Whats Up K?
Baby K: It’s your favorite baby y’all.
Free: Yo K, I gotta say, on that track you really did the damn thing. What was it like shooting that joint?
Baby K: First I cried because the music was too high, but then I got a sucking candy. HOLLAAA!
AJ: Yo for real, now K we got your producer over there with us too, Lady Three, how you doin over there?
Lady Three: Holdin’ it down son, holdin’ it down dun dun.
Free: I feel that. Where’d you find K at anyway?
Lady Three: Well.. first of all I think we can all agree that the only thing that can take this rap game to the next level is a foul-mouthed 18 month old baby.
A.J. & Free: True, true.
Lady Three: Yeh, so what I did was I did a nationwide talent search. I auditioned mad babies, I mean down with the babies and it was all “basuda”, ya no what I’m sayin? Garbage! So I stole one from the daycare center.
Baby K: Word up!
Lady Three: Yo the boy got a natural flow too. This kid is a genius – Ayoo K show them what we’ve been workin on.
Baby K: Gimme a beat, “I’m potty trained, I’m potty potty trained, I’m potty trained, I’m potty potty trained. Check my open diaper cause it’s motha f’in cleannn.”
Lady Three: Hahaha! Holla! Holla!
Free: That’s hot!
AJ: Yo Baby K, you mackin’, you must have all the chicken heads comin after you.
Free: Yehh, yehhh!
Baby K: What do you mean? Chicken elmo?
Lady Three: Ooh yeh yeh! He likes that chicken dance elmo. That’s a nature rider, I mean he got his pick of the chicken dance elmos in any town.
A.J. & Free: Hahaha! Wordd word!
Lady Three: See busty busty, when we rollin’ up to a club, it’s stopped. We got a case of Pedialyte on ice, little bently strollin on dubs, ya no what I mean? Dixie cup full o’ Cheerios. Ya no what I mean, big baller stuff, buck wildin’ pro fillin’, ya herd me?
Baby K: I’m going night night.
Free: Awhhhhhh he’s going to sleep now??
Lady Three: Yeh he does that.
AJ: Yo a brotha dont even care!
Lady Three: Yeh cause he’s a baby.
Baby K: Hiiii!
Free: Awhh, did you take a little nap K?
Baby K: I dont know
Free: So what’s next with Baby K? Where ya’ll headed?
Lady Three: Well welll, on a serious tip – Were doing a benefit next week cause we gotta find a cure for diaper rash.
Baby K: It’s a silent killer ya’ll!
Lady Three: He lost two of his partners with diaper rash.
Baby K: This is for my homies who, who got the rash. (Tips over his bottle of milk and lets milk fall to the floor)
Lady Three: Alright, alright, that’s enough. Look, look, look we also plannin’ a clothing line but were gunna hold off on that ’till he stop poopin’ on himself.
AJ: YO! I thought he was potty trained!!!
Baby K: Well I still make mistakes sometimes.
AJ: me too
Lady Three: But uhh, but, we really focussin’ on is the new album.
AJ: Right, right.. POTTY TIME!
Free: And now there gunna hit us with a new track off the new joint. Ya hear me?
AJ: No doubt! Pop your collars! Show your love for Baby K!
Free: Featuring Lady Free from there new joint – POTTY TIME – throw your rollies in the sky ladiess!
Woman #1…..Maya Rudolph Man #1…..Seth Meyers Woman #2…..Queen Latifah Man #2…..Will Forte Man #3…..Darrell Hammond Man #4…..Horatio Sanz Man #5…..Tracy Morgan Woman #3…..Rachel Dratch
[ open on FOX logo ]
Announcer: Coming soon to FOX..
[ dissolve to group of men and women sitting on a cramped room, all looking toward one another ]
A new show that pushes the limits of reality television. Eight strangers. Thrust together in a single, windowless room. Where trust is a memory, teamwork is a gamble. And a traitor is in their midst.
Woman #1: Well.. this isn’t so bad.
Man #1: Yeah, it’s a little tight in here.. but, not as bad as the subway, right?
Woman #2: Are you from New York?
Man #1: Uh.. yeah. I moved there in-
[ suddenly, a loud fart breaks out ]
[ cut to show logo card ]
Announcer: “Who Farted?” All of them smelt it. But only one of them dealt it.
[ back to the room, as everyone covers their nose ]
Woman #2: Child, that was funky!
Man #2: I-it wasn’t me, it was her!
Woman #1: It was not me!
Man #1: Whoever it was has a medical problem.
Man #3: Come on, own up to it!
Woman #1: If I did, I would! Because I’m comfortable with that!
Man #2: My God! There’s really no way out of here!
[ cut to show logo card ]
Announcer: “Who Farted?” Who knows? Each and every one in the room is under equal suspicion.
[ back to the room, as everyone covers their nose ]
Woman #1: I’m voting for the fat guy.
Woman #2: Second it!
Man #4: Aw, come on! That’s just not fair!
[ cut to graphic “Mind-bending twist” ]
Announcer: With a mind-bending twist you have to see to believe.
[ back to the room, as everyone covers their nose ]
Man #1: Alright, listen, people.. I just think that we ne-
[ everyone begins to gasp over an unheard but noticeable fart ]
Man #5: Oh, my God, it’s another one!
Woman #2: Damn, that’s spicy!
Man #3: But I didn’t hear anything..
Woman #4: [ whispering ] It was silent but deadly..
[ cut to show logo ]
Announcer: This Spring, on FOX: “Who Farted?” He who denied it, supplied it – or did he? [ employs a villianous laugh ]
[ another loud fart breaks out ]
Announcer: Sorry. That was me. Just watch it. It’s on FOX.
Paula Poundstone…..Rachel Dratch Gilbert Gottfried…..Jimmy Fallon Danny Aiello…..Darrell Hammond Gary Busey…..Jeff Richards Kathy Griffin…..Chris Kattan
Announcer: This Spring on ABC, watch five celebrities – unscripted and uncensored – face off against one another in a gruelling physical challenge.
Paula Poundstone.. Gilbert Gottfried.. Danny Aiello.. Gary Busey.. and Kathy Griffin star in..
[ farting sound effect ]
Gilbert Gottfried: Oh, my goodness!
Announcer: “I’m A Celebrity: Who Farted?”
Danny Aiello: What have you been eatin’, Poundstone?!
Paula Poundstone: Come on, you can’t be serious! That was totally Griffin!
Gilbert Gottfried: No! Busey! Busey, I know that was you!
Gary Busey: Trust me, buddy – you’ll know when a Juicy Busey hits ya between the eyes!
[ farting sound effect ]
Gilbert Gottfried: That’s a Juicy Busey, if I ever heard one!
Danny Aiello: It’s a twister!
Announcer: This Spring on ABC. It’s “I’m A Celebrity: Who Farted?” Right after “I’m A Celebrity: Get Me Out of I’m A Celebrity: Who Farted?”
[ The street, evening. Tracy rushes to the outside of an apartment, where Kendra is throwing clothes out the window. ]
Tracy: Damn, Kendra! Why you throwin’ my stuff everywhere?
Kendra: I told you, I want you OUT!
Tracy: Come on, baby, let’s talk about this!
Kendra: No! Hell no! Take yo’ crap and GO!
Tracy: [ notices three bystanders behind him ] Folks, do you mind?!
Bystander #1: Not at all.
Bystander #2: Don’t mind us.
Bystander #3: This is exciting!
Tracy: Baby, I love you! Why you treatin’ me like this?
Kendra: You had sex with my MUVV-ah!
[ The bystanders react: “Ohhh — burn!” ]
Tracy: What — I DID NOT!
Kendra: Uh huh! My sister saw you!
[ The bystanders snicker ]
Bystander #2: Busted, dude.
Tracy: I can explain that!
Kendra: I don’t wanna hear it! Just take yo’ stuff! Matter fact, here go yo’ stinky, dirty, skinny draw’s! [ throws out his underwear; the bystanders react in disgust ]
Bystander #2: Aw man, that’s nasty.
Kendra: And here go yo’ cheap-ass cologne! [ chucks the bottle on the ground where it shatters ]
Tracy: Come on, you makin’ me mad, Kendra! You better let me back in there right NOW!
Kendra: Or what? Or you gon’ break down the door? Why, so you can get your MC Hammer pants? [ waves them around ] Can’t touch this, I can’t touch this, I can’t — [ throws them out ]
Tracy: OKAY! I was wrong to yell at you! I realize that now!
Bystander #2: [ picks them up ] God. I’ve never seen MC Hammer pants in person.
Bystander #3: Cool …
Tracy: [ to bystanders ] I wore those for Halloween!
Bystander #2: Sure you did.
Kendra: And here go yo’ MC Hammer CDs … [ throws them out ]
Bystander #2: Man … geez …
Tracy: [ to bystanders ] Oh, come on! That first album was pretty good.
Bystander #1: [ picks up a CD ] Yeah … this one’s the Addams Family soundtrack! [ Bystander #2 giggles ]
Kendra: [ tossing out more CDs ] Yeah … and here go yo’ Vanilla Ice, yo’ Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, and yo’ Rico Suave!
Tracy: [ to Kendra ] His name was Gerardo!
Kendra: Oh yeah, and don’t forget yo’ Star Wars t-shirts! [ throws them out ]
Tracy: Oh, come on, first of all, those aren’t mine, second of all, those are Deep Space Nine shirts!
Kendra: And here go yo’ purple cape! [ throws it out ]
Bystander #1: You own a purple cape?
Tracy: [ to bystanders] Again, Halloween.
Bystander #1: I thought you were Hammer.
Tracy: I was Super-Hammer. … That’s worse, isn’t it?
Bystanders: Yeah.
Kendra: And here’s your fanny pack … [ tosses it ]
Bystander #2: Aw, man, fanny pack?
Tracy: Agai- it was a GIFT!
Bystander #2: Sure it was.
Tracy: [ to Kendra ] Just CALM DOWN for a second, baby doll!
Kendra: [ huff ] … Don’t you “baby doll” me.
Tracy: Now listen, I know you’re hurtin’, boo. Just listen to me, will you do that, baby, PLEASE? Please?
Kendra: YEAH! Okay.
Tracy: Now … you know I love you, right?
Kendra: … I guess.
Tracy: You know I know you love ME, right?
Kendra: Yeah, I guess.
Tracy: Jus-just think about it. All I did was sleep wit yo’ moms, right?
Kendra: Ooh, son of a BITCH!
Bystander #2: Ehhh, lost her on that one, lost her on that.
Bystander #1: Yeah, not, not good.
Kendra: You take yo’ Garfield phone … [ throws it out ] … and don’t forget this stupid-ass …
Tracy: No!
Kendra: … self-portrait! [ throws out a painting of a green and red face ]
Tracy: No, not the self-portrait! The dude at the Y said I was a natural!
Kendra: And don’t forget this damn snake! [ throws it out; Tracy catches it ]
Tracy: Not King Arthur!
Kendra: You tell yo’ moms to take care of that slimy bastard.
Tracy: [ puts the snake on his shoulders ] Listen, it was a accident, I SWEAR!
Kendra: Oh, save it, cornball!
Tracy: Damn! Come on …
Kendra: Oh, by the way, I found your porno tapes! [ tosses them out ]
Tracy: [ to bystanders ] I thought I hid those pretty good.
Bystander #1: Wow.
Bystander #2: Yeah.
[ The bystanders watch as more and more tapes hit the ground ]
Bystander #2: How big is your closet, dude?
Tracy: Now … those aren’t all porn, some of those are karate tapes.
Bystander #2: Yeah, right.
Kendra: [ throwing more items out ] And here is your penile pump … and your penis enlargement pills … and your stay-hard cream!
Tracy: Not — wait, whoa — not only are those not all mine, but those don’t even work!
Bystander #3: I’ll give you fifty cents for that cream. [ hands him two quarters ]
Tracy: Sold. [ takes the quarters; Bystander #3 takes the tube of cream and leaves ]
Kendra: Oh yeah … and don’t forget yo’ punk-ass cousin Kenny! [ tosses a body out the window; Kenny gets up and limps away ]
Tracy: Wait — baby, he’s just crashin’ till his pad is good and ready!
Kendra: He’s been here for six months!
Tracy: I know, baby, you’re right!
Kendra: Oh, and here your stuffed bear go!
Tracy: Wait a minute, I gave you that bear, remember?
Kendra: That was before you had sex with my MUVV-ah!
Tracy: I know. But I only made love to yo’ moms so that I could know how it would feel to make love to you twenty years from now!
Kendra: [ has a change of heart ] … Really?
Bystander #1: She bought that?
Tracy: [ to bystanders ] SHHHH! [ to Kendra ] Yes, really! … You my girl, y’know. I wanna grow old wit’chu.
Kendra: I wanna grow old wit’chu, too.
Tracy: I love you, Kendra.
Kendra: I love you too, daddy. … I’m sorry I threw your clothes on the ground. And all them things for your ding-dong. Will you forgive me?
Tracy: Yeah, yeah, I forgive you.
Kendra: [ smiles ] Well why don’t you come up here and we can make up all proper-like?
[ The two bystanders leave ]
Tracy: What — looks like it’s Hammer Time! [ picks up the purple cape ] Oh yeah! Oh — wait a minute.
Kendra: What’s wrong, what’s wrong?
Tracy: I gotta catch up with that dude with the cream! [ runs away ]
Air Date:
Dress Rehearsal Cuts:
