Category: 2008

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 5


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:











Bit Players:

October 18th, 2008

Josh Brolin

Adele

None

Tina Fey

Gov. Sarah Palin

Lorne Michaels

Mark Wahlberg

Alec Baldwin

Oliver Stone

None


Palin Press ConferenceSummary: As Tina Fey portrays Gov. Sarah Palin in a sketch, the real Sarah Palin watches backstage with Lorne Michaels and is confused for Tina Fey by hotheaded Alec Baldwin.

Recurring Characters: Sarah Palin.

Transcript

Montage

Josh Brolin’s MonologueSummary: Josh Brolin displays the mannerisms of President George W. Bush, but has to be reminded by director Oliver Stone to mention their film by name.

MacGruberSummary: Macgruber (Will Forte) is sidetracked from defusing the bomb while checking his stocks online.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

Surprise ProposalSummary: Chris (Josh Brolin) informs his friends that he’ll be proposing to his girlfriend Kath (Casey Wilson) that evening, but the excitement is much more than Sue (Kristen Wiig) can handle.

Recurring Characters: Sue.

Transcript

MacGruber IISummary: A financially-strapped Macgruber (Will Forte) is sidetracked from defusing the bomb while stealing valuables from Vicky (Kristen Wiig) and (Josh Brolin).

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

The Suze Orman ShowSummary: Financial expert Suze Orman (Kristen Wiig) is ignorant of the financial hardships expressed by her viewers.

Recurring Characters: Suze Orman.

Transcript

Wahlberg’s ConfrontationSummary: Mark Wahlberg demands an explanation from Andy Samberg for last episode’s “Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals” sketch.

Transcript

I’m No AngelSummary: A heavily pregnant woman (Amy Poehler) flirts with rough riders at a honkytonk bar, as way of promoting Greg Allman’s (Will Forte) new fragrance.

Recurring Characters: Greg Allman.

Transcript

MacGruber IIISummary: A financially-strapped Macgruber (Will Forte) is sidetracked from defusing the bomb while trying to solicit money from Vicky (Kristen Wiig) and (Josh Brolin) for shooting a ping-pong ball out of his ass.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript

Adele performs “Chasing Pavements”

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) nervously represents America’s Write-in Party. French Def Jam comedian Jean K. Jean jokes about the economy. Amy Poehler takes over a Sarah Palin rap when the real Sarah Palin decides it would be a bad political move to perform it herself.

Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun, Jean K. Jean.

Transcript

FartfaceSummary: Jerry (Bill Hader) jokingly bestows grumpy co-worker Carl (Will Forte) with the nickname “Fartface”, which he quickly unloads on Jim Deaver (Josh Brolin) in an act of revenge that goes too far.

Transcript

Narc SchoolSummary: Ms. Matthews (Casey Wilson) is unable to teach her class because all the students have been replaced with narcs (Josh Brolin, Kristen Wiig, Will Forte, Darrell Hammond).

ReadiTrade.comSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) promotes the web site where the primary aim is to sell or unload your stocks as quickly as possible.

Transcript

New York UndergroundSummary: Trevor Dix (Bill Hader) profiles underground musician Joshua Rainhorn (Fred Armisen).

Transcript

Adele performs “Cold Shoulder”

Fall FoliageSummary: Maniacal business executive (Josh Brolin) tries to push his employees to be as psyched about the Fall foliage as he is.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 5

08e: Josh Brolin / Adele

I’m No Angel

Written by: Emily Spivey & Amy Poehler

Cowboy…..Josh Brolin
Barfly…..Amy Poehler
Dude at Counter…..Jason Sudeikis
Bartender…..Kenan Thompson
Table Dude 1…..Bobby Moynihan
Table Dude 2…..Bill Hader
Table Dude 3…..Andy Samberg
Waitress…..Casey Wilson

[ open on interior, honytonk bar ]

[ MUSIC: “I’m No Angel”, Greg Allman ]

[ a cowboy looks around the room until he spies a barfly sitting alone at the opposite side of the bar, then begins to exchange glances with her ]

[ after a brief round of flirting, the barfly stands, revealing her excessively pregnant belly, which she begins to shake playfully ]

[ the cowboy reacts with mild disappointment, but maintains his interest ]

[ the barfly slowly crosses the room, receiving wide-eyed reactions to her belly from a dude at the counter, the bartender, and three dudes sitting at a table. All are flabbergasted at the sight, yet can’t take their eyes off of her. A non-pregnant waitress reacts with disgust to the hold the barfly has on these men, and throws her towel down and storms away. ]

[ the barfly continues to cross the room, knocking over the bottles of beer and glasses that sit on the dudes’ table with her belly, then she seductively eats from their bowl of nuts ]

[ te barfly asks Table Dude 1 to scoot up his chair so her belly can pass through, then she continues to shake her belly playfully in order to continue flirting with the cowboy ]

[ the barfly then sits on the cowboy’s knee and gives him a lap dance ]

Cowboy: When’s your baby due?

Barfly: [ with a smirk ] Yesterday.

Cowboy: [ close-up of his shit-eating grin ] Perfect!

[ the barfly rises from the cowboy’s knee and walks away; his chair crashes to the floor ]

[ the barfly continues to shake her belly on the dance floor, then calls the cowboy over ]

Barfly: [ to the camera ] What? [ holds up perfume bottle ] I’m no angel!

[ SUPER: “I’m No Angel” ]

Announcer: I’m No Angel. The new sensual frangrance from the old, weird Greg Allman.

Greg Allman: Mmm… that’s me! [ sniffs barfly’s hair ] And I smell a bun in the oven!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 5

08e: Josh Brolin / Adele

New York Underground with Trevor Dix

Trevor Dix….Bill Hader
Joshua Rainhorn….Fred Armisen
Rowboat….Kenan Thompson
Bellman Twins….Amy Poehler, Casey Wilson
U-turn committee….Kristen Wiig
Science finger….Will Forte

(Opens with NY Underground with Trevor Dix montage. Trevor walks fast down a NYC sidewalk, English accent)

Trevor Dix: New York, New York, a city of 8 million people. (Cut to Trevor sitting in a chair on an outdoors cafe, he gets up) But where do they go at night? Where do they go to unwind? (Trevor gets off a NYC cab) Empire State Building? Times Square? Maybe if you´re a tourist. (Trevor gets on another NYC cab) But if you´re a real New Yorker, where you wanna go is here! (Cut to Trevor in a crummy neighborhood, standing in front of dilapidated buildings filled with graffiti.) The Lower East Side. The Kennel Club. (Cut to the club, its a piano bar) This has been the venue for such acts as Rowboat(picture of the band), The Bellman Twins (picture of the sad twins), The U-turn Committee (picture of them on stage) and Science Finger (cover of their new wave album) to name just a few. Tonight, Joshua Rainhorn. (cut to photo of Joshua in a white blazer, holding a coffee cup) He´s known for his dynamic performances. (Intercut of Joshua tuning his instruments)Leaving some of his audience members “literally weeping” end quote. (cut to Joshua tuning a guitar in the background) Well, looks like the show´s about to start. I´m gonna go get ready.

(Trevor goes to find a seat. Light applause, Joshua plays a sad, slow piano tune. Trevor sits in the audience)

Joshua Rainhorn: (sings affectedly) You´re standing there….your silhouette….your dressing gown….wine and cigarettes….wine and cigarettes…(stops music and goes into spoken word) Charlie Chaplin laughed. All the majors and politicians line up just to dance a waltz with you. (plays some bouncy piano notes) Do, do, do, do, dah, dah…

(Cut to Trevor speaking to the camera)

Trevor Dix: (intense) When Rainhorn plays, we´re no longer in New York. We´re on an island of Crete teaching boys how to dream. We´re in a garage watching our father cry. We´re an obese 15-year-old seeing ourselves naked for the first time.

Joshua Rainhorn: Wao, bam…(retakes the song, slow piano, sings affectedly) Wine and cigarettes….wine and cigarettes. She and the angels come out….who-o-o-o-o…. ho-o-o-o-oh.

Trevor Dix: (looks back from his chair) This has been Trevor Dix with Joshua Rainhorn. And this is another correspondence from the underground.

(Black screen)

Caption: (c) 2008 Trevor Dix productions for Thames online.

Submtted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 5

08e: Josh Brolin / Adele

Fall Foliage

Boss…..Josh Brolin
Tom…..Andy Samberg
Kenan…..Kenan Thompson
Amy…..Amy Poehler
Kristen…..Kristen Wiig
Will…..Will Frote
Bill…..Bill Hader
Bobby…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on exteror, office building ]

[ dissolve to interior, conference room, as the Boss enters ]

Boss: Okay, guys. Sorry to keep you waiting. The train was late. Listen, before we begin, can I please just take a moment to talk about the Fall foliage? Autumn crimsons and browns, and golds, and buttery golds, and buttery browns. Did I say crimson? [ heads nod ] Yeah? Oh, I LOVE this time of year I LOVE it! You know, Fall’s my jam. Has anyone seen the Fall foliage? A quicks Yes or no, starting with Tom. Fall Foliage? Go!

Tom: No.

Kenan: No.

Amy: No.

Kristen: No.

Will: No.

Bill: No.

Bobby: No.

Boss: No one? Oh, come on! It’s amazing! Okay, you know what? I was seriously thinking about putting together a Fall Foliage getaway just for us. Just for everyone in this room. Go and see the browns, the golds, and the… buttery golds, and… Alright, who’s interested? Let’s start with Tom. Go!

Tom: No.

Kenan: No.

Amy: No.

Kristen: No.

Will: No.

Bill: No.

Bobby: No.

Boss: Okay, okay, okay… hang on, hang on, hang on. Guys, I don’t think you understand what the Fall foliage looks like… because if you haven’t seen it, you NEED to see it! Toasty oranges! Buttery rusts! I tell you what — I’ll pay all the expenses. I’ll rent a car. You know what? I’ll rent a VAN! I’ll rent a very LARGE van so we can all get together, and I’ll point out the different foliage that I think that everyone should be looking at. And then after we’ve seen it — after we’ve seen this brilliant foliage — if there’s still time, maybe we can go to a gourd farm, pick some gourds… arrange them. [ excited ] So, okay, who’s in? Quick! [ to Tom ] Go! Go! Fall foliage. Yes? No?

Tom: No.

Kenan: No.

Amy: No.

Kristen: No.

Will: No.

Bill: No.

Bobby: No.

Boss: Alright, look — I — I have never met so many people who didn’t want to go see the Fall foliage in a group! What the hell?! What’s wrong with you?! People LOVE to get in a group and talk about the Fall foliage! It’s stuff people love to do, as a GROUP!! Good God! I’m your BOSS!! This is CRAZY!! [ suddenly smiles ] Oh, wait a second… This is a joke, isn’t it? Right? Okay, this is a joke! Yes or no? Go!

Tom: No.

Kenan: No.

Amy: No.

Kristen: No.

Will: No.

Bill: No.

Bobby: No.

Boss: Okay, you people are AWFUL! Awful, awful people! I don’t get it! I-I-I-I, really, I just DON’T! No one has even noticed my chestnut-colered slacks and matching vest! Look — alright — I’m not gonna get mad! Alright? Forget it. [ a beat ] You know — okay, I just want everyone to know… that I am making butternut squash soup tonight. FIVE different kinds of squash. And I’m gonna make enough for everybody. And it doesn’t need to be, like, a yes or no… it’s just going to be here for everybody to enjoy, okay? Alright. [ he sighs ] And the Fall foliage thing? We can get a van, you know. You let me know, you sleep on it.

[ the Boss exits the room ]

Bobby: I’m sorry — how long ago did he work here?

Kristen: [ thinking ] I think, like, thirteen years ago.

Bobby: And he just… comes back every Fall?

Will: Yep.

Bobby: And… no one ever goes with him?

Kenan: [ ashamed ] Well, I went with him one year. He allowed me to be raped.

Bobby: [ confused ] By… by who?

Kenan: By him.

Bobby: [ bewildered ] He seems so nice.

Kenan: Oh, he was nice about it.

Bobby: Well… I-I can’t wait to have his soup tomorrow.

Amy: [ smugly ] Yes, you can.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 5

08e: Josh Brolin / Adele

Fartface

Carl…..Will Forte
Jerry….. Bill Hader
Jim Deaver…..Josh Brolin

[Open on generic office building]

[Dissolve to middle-aged businessman Carl sitting at a desk, as Jerry walks in the door. Carl rises to shake his hand]

Carl: Oh, hello, Jerry.

Jerry: Hello, fart face. Ready for the meeting?

[The two men sit]

Carl: Jerry, so this again, huh?

Jerry: What’s the matter, fart face?

Carl: Jerry, it’s been a week now and I think it’s about time you stopped calling me fart face.

Jerry: And why is that, fart face?

Carl: Because, for your information, I’m not a fart face.

Jerry: Well, that’s your opinion, fart face.

Carl: No, that’s a lot of peoples’ opinions, Jerry.

Jerry: Fart face, fart face. Relax.

Carl: Why on earth should I relax right now, Jerry? Give me one good reason!

Jerry: Because I’m just kidding, Carl. I’m kidding. I don’t think you’re a fart face.

Carl: Oh. Well, good. You scared me there for a while there, Jerry. [he reaches for phone intercom] Okay, Carol. Carol, send in Jim Deaver.

[Jim Deaver enters and the two men rise to greet him with handshakes]

Carl: Ah, hello, Jim.

Jim Deaver: Great to see you, Jerry.

Jerry: I’d like to introduce you to one of the best ones we’ve got here. His given name is Carl, but he likes to be called fart face.

Jim Deaver: Hello, fart face.

[The three men sit]

Carl: Uh, hello. Uh, yeah. Uh, Jim, could you plug up your ears for a moment, please?

[Jim plugs up his ears]

Jim Deaver: Sure, fart face.

Carl: Jerry, when you call someone a fart face in a contained environment, I’ll admit it’s a funny joke, okay. But to set it loose in a business meeting is damn near unforgivable!

Jerry: Sorry. You’re right. You’re absolutely right. From here on out you are Carl, not fart face.

Carl: Thank you. [Signalling Jim] Jim! Jim?

Jim Deaver: Uh, yes, fart face?

Carl: Yes, uh, Jerry has something to say.

Jim Deaver: Oh, thank you, fart face. What is it, Jerry?

Carl: It’s about fart face.

Jim Deaver: What about him?

Carl: No, I mean it’s about the concept of using the name fart face to describe Carl.

Jim Deaver: Who’s Carl again?

[simultaneously]

Jerry: Fart face.

Carl: Me.

Jerry: I think it might be best if we address fart face as just plain Carl.

Jim Deaver: Well, if it’s all the same, I’d like to continue calling him fart face.

Carl: Oh, great! Thanks, Jerry.

Jerry: Look, I’m going to miss saying fart face as much as you, but it’s unfair, because if you spent any time with Carl, you’d know his face does not smell of farts but rather of face.

Jim Deaver: Odor wise, I’d agree, but I’m talking about appearance. See, I believe that if a fart did have a face, [gestures at Carl] it would look exactly like fart face here.

Carl: How dare you!

Jerry: You’ve gone over the line, Jim.

Jim Deaver: Well, you served me the Kool-Aid, Jerry. I just drank it.

Jerry: Well, spit it out!

Jim Deaver: No way, I don’t want to stain fart face’s rug.

Carl: Jim, you know full well that the Kool-Aid we’re referring to is metaphorical. Spitting it out will not damage anything in this office.

Jim Deaver: Well, tough luck. I love calling you fart face. It makes me feel good and I’m not gonna stop. Fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face.

Jerry: Jim. Jim, you’re being unreasonable.

Jim Deaver: If that’s unreasonable, then I never want to be reasonable again. [Jim rises, followed by Carl and Jerry] Fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face!Carl [overlapping]: No, no, no, you will not do this in my office! No, no, no, no, no!

Jerry: [interrupting] Please, please, please, please. Deaver, Deaver, stop that, stop that, stop that! Stop that or else!

Jim Deaver: Or else what? What are you gonna do about it?

Carl: Nothing.

Jim Deaver: Right.

[The three men sit]

Carl: Nothing at all… [Pause] …you freakin’ fart face.

Jim Deaver: What did you just call me?

Carl: What’s wrong, you got fart in your ears, you freakin’ fart face!

Jim Deaver: Okay, just, just wait a minute here. You’re the fart face!

Jerry: There’s only one fart face in this room and I’m looking at him, and boy does his face smell like fart!

Carl: Yeah, that’s right. He’s the new fart face!

Jim Deaver: No, he’s not! He is a smart face! He is a clean face! He is a tough face! [Choking up] And he is a never-cry face!

Carl: Well, looks to me like he’s an about-to-cry face!

Jim Deaver: No, he’s not!

Jerry & Carl: [Pointing at Jim] FART FACE!

Jerry: Fart face! Fart face!

Jim Deaver: No, no, oh god, no!

Jerry & Carl: Fart face! Fart face! Fart face! Fart face!

[Jim, clutching his briefcase to his chest, rises]

Jim Deaver: If you think I’m gonna give this contract to two people that just pulled a fart face turnaround on me, you’ve got another thing coming!

[Carl and Jerry stand, growing increasingly demonstrative with their anger as the conversation progresses]

Carl: Well, get ready to never work again, because the whole town is gonna hear that you cried in our office!

Jim Deaver: No!

Carl: You freakin’ fart face!

Jerry: Yeah, fart face!

Carl: You’re getting shut down, because nobody wants to work with a cry-baby fart face!

Jerry: You’re out of business, fart face!

Carl: Get outta here before the stink from your face kills all my plants, fart face!

Jim Deaver: No, no, no, I hate you! I hate you so much! [Runs out of office]

Carl: [Talking on cell phone] Hi, Terry? Guess who was just in our office crying like a little baby? That fart face Jim Deaver!

Jerry: [Talking on cell phone] Bob, this is Jerry. Jim Deaver just cried in our office. Spread the word!

Carl: [Talking on office phone] Carol, call Jim Jacobs, Tom Jacobs in accounting and tell ‘em that Jim Deaver just cried in our office!

Jerry: [Talking on cell phone] Hey, Jim Deaver! We just told three people what you did in our office, you fart face!

Carl: Fart face!

Jerry: [Talking on cell phone] He’s crying! Go ahead and cry you… Oh, no, he just shot himself.

[Both run from office]

Submitted by: David Nusair

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 5

08e: Josh Brolin / Adele

Goodnights

…..Josh Brolin

Josh Brolin: Thanks to Adele, Governor Sarah Palin, Mark Wahlberg, Alec Baldwin, Oliver Stone, Tina Fey! Thank you to everybody for coming! “Saturday Night Live”!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 5

08e: Josh Brolin / Adele

MacGruber

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Kyle…..Josh Brolin

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
He’s been dabbling in the market, and he doesn’t use a broker!
MacGruber!
He hasn’t checked his stocks in months!

[CUT to MacGruber sipping from a frozen drink and pointing it toward the camera, against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to an abandoned oil refinery. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Abandoned Oil Refinery.” CUT to a sign marked “Oil Refinery Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Kyle: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This refinery door is pressure-bolted shut!

Vicky: That’s not our only problem, Macgruber — from the looks of that nitrogen bomb, this we’ve only got twenty seconds!

Kyle: What do we do, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, don’t worry, gang — this one’s a piece of cake! In fact, I even have time to check my stocks online! It’s so easy! [ he opens a laptop computer ] I just log into the web site…

Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: [ ignoring her ] Put in my password… “MacGruber” — do not tell anyone, you guys, I’m serious!

Kyle: MacGruber! What about the bomb?!

MacGruber: Okay, I’ll tell you what’s gonna be “da bomb”, Kyle — is when I use my tremendous stock earnings to take you out to a juicy steak dinner. Oooh-wee!

Vicky: TEN SECONDS!!

MacGruber: Okay, it’s loading…

Kyle: MacGruber! Hurry!

MacGruber: Loading…

Vicky: FIVE seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Annnnnddd… we’re in!this?

[ MacGruber’s face turns sour, as he sees something online he doesn’t like. Kyle and Vicky shrug with bewildered curiosity. ]

MacGruber: What the fu —

[CUT to the oil refinery exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 5

08e: Josh Brolin / Adele

MacGruber II

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Kyle…..Josh Brolin

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of a car falling from the sky, a snake, and MacGruber losing his possessions.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
The market’s in a freefall, and he lost all his money!
MacGruber!
They repossessed his houseboat, and he had to pawn his saxophone!
MacGruber!
Toilet paper’s a luxury now!

[CUT to MacGruber stealing toilet paper and making a run for it, against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to an Italian mafia hideout. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Italian Mafia Hideout.” CUT to a sign marked “Mafia Hideout Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Kyle: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This door’s welded shut! We’re trapped!

Vicky: And, from the looks of this makeshift gamma bomb, this we’ve only got twenty seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, everybody calm down! Just because time’s are tough, doesn’t mean we can’t make it through with our dignity intact! We just have to stick together!

Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!

MacGruber: Right! Kyle! Toss me that bobby pin!

Kyle: [ hands it over ] You got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay. Vicky! Hand me that key!

Vicky: [ hands it over ] Right here, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay. Kyle! Give me a thousand-dollar interest-free loan!

Kyle: What?! No!

MacGruber: Just do it! We’re running out of time!

Kyle: No, I’m NOT loaning you any more money, MacGruber!

Vicky: TEN SECONDS!!

MacGruber: Okay, okay! Kyle! Hand me that watch!

Kyle: [ looking around ] What — what watch?

MacGruber: YOUR watch!!

Kyle: No! I got this from my DAD, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Fine! Vicky! Hand me that bottle!

Kyle: [ hands it over ] Here you go!

MacGruber: [ busts the bottle on the countertop and shoves the shards toward Kyle’s face ] Give me the watch! GIVE ME THE WATCH!!

Kyle: Okay! [ removes his watch and hands it over ] Here!

MacGruber: Nice… Casio. [ points his bottle shards toward Vicky ] Okay, Vicky… watch.

Vicky: [ whiny ] MacGruber… [ MacGruber snarls at her ] Fine! [ she removes her watch and hands it over ]

MacGruber: [ shakes a sock in front of their faces ] Uh, uh — all your wallets, wedding rings — all your valuables. Put ’em in the sock, now! Now, now, now, now, now, now!

[ assorted valuables are put into the sock ]

Vicky: [ whiny ] Nooo… that’s gross…

MacGruber: Okay, Vicky — how much time do we have?

Vicky: You took my WATCH, MacGruber!!

MacGruber: [ frantically digs through the sock ] I got it… I got it… [ he retrieves the watch ] Okay, it looks like we got about ten — no, no, no! ONE —

[CUT to the Italian mafia hideout exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 5

08e: Josh Brolin / Adele

MacGruber III

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Vicky…..Kristen Wiig
Kyle…..Josh Brolin

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of heroin, the beach, a car stereo transaction, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
He tried to sell his blood, but it’s tainted with heroin!
MacGruber!
He’s sleeping on the beach, and stealing car stereos!
MacGruber!
He’s running out of options!

[CUT to MacGruber, hair disheveled, standing against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to a human traffic supply ship. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Human Traffic Supply Ship.” CUT to a sign marked “Supply Ship Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Merrill: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This door is booby-trapped! We can’t get out!

Vicky: There’s MORE, Macgruber — that cluster bomb is set to blow in TWENTY seconds!

Kyle: What do we do, MacGruber!

MacGruber: [ sitting on the floor and shaking ] Okay, okay, okay, okay! Uh — uh — I’ll tell you what to do, if you give me some money!

Kyle: MacGruber, I’m NOT goving you money, this is your JOB!!

MacGruber: Oh! you’re right, you’re right… I gotta earn it!

Vicky: MacGruber! Focus!

MacGruber: Okay, uh — uh — uh, Kyle, hand me that ping-pong ball…

Kyle: [ hands it over ] You got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay. Okay, now how much would you pay… to see me shoot this ping-pong ball out of my butt?

[ Kyle and Vicky shoot puzzled looks to MacGruber ]

Kyle: Huh?

MacGruber: Ten bucks? Come on, it’s a good bargain! I’ve been getting twenty on the street!

Kyle: No, MacGruber.

MacGruber: Okay — five bucks!

Kyle: NO! NO! NO!

MacGruber: Okay, I’m just gonna do it. Just — just — just pay whatever you think is fair. [ he pulls his pants down while remaining in a seated position ]

Kyle: MacGruber!

Vicky: Macgruber, don’t! You don’t have to do this, MacGruber!

Kyle: No, MacGruber!

Vicky: It’s okay, MacGruber!

Kyle: No, MacGruber! You don’t have to —

Vicky: You don’t have to do this!

[ MacGruber’s legs spread apart in front of the camera, and the ping-pong ball flies out and bounces between a stunned Kyle and Vicky ]

MacGruber: Yeah!

[CUT to the traffic supply ship exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 5

08e: Josh Brolin / Adele

Wahlberg’s Confrontation

…..Andy Samberg
…..Mark Wahlberg
…..Amy Poehler
…..Josh Brolin
…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on backstage kitchen area, as Andy Samberg roots through the fridge. He closes the fridge door to reveal Mark Wahlberg standing in wait along the wall. ]

[ Andy screams ]

Mark Wahlberg: Hey, Andy.

Andy Samberg: Ohhhh, Mark Wahlberg! Hi! How are you?

Mark Wahlberg: [ menacingly ] Oh, not so good, Andy. I mean, I saw the last show.

Andy Samberg: You did?

Mark Wahlberg: Yes, I did. And I gotta tell you, I’m very upset about this imitation, the thing with the animals. I mean, what is that?

Andy Samberg: Yeah, it was just a stupid thing we did! It was stupid!

Mark Wahlberg: Well, I gotta be honest with you, buddy — I’ve been thinking about breaking that big, beautiful nose of yours.

Andy Samberg: Sure. sure, it’s big and beautiful… yeah…

Mark Wahlberg: But, you know what? I decided not to, being the churchgoing guy that I am. But, I mean, it’s nothing like me. What was that?

Andy Samberg: I know… I agree with you, and the thing I’d like to say…

[ Amy Poehler walks up ]

Amy Poehler: Hey. How you doing?

Mark Wahlberg: Hey, Amy Poehler! How’s it going?

Amy Poehler: Pretty good.

Mark Wahlberg: You’re pregnant. What’s that all about, huh?

Amy Poehler: [ shrugs ] I don’t know.

Mark Wahlberg: Well, it’s nice to see you. Say hi to your mother for me.

Amy Poehler: Okay.

[ she walks off ]

Mark Wahlberg: So, Andy — where were we?

Andy Samberg: Uh — you were saying my impression was way off.

Mark Wahlberg: Yeah, I mean, look — I don’t get it. It was very inaccurate, you know?

Andy Samberg: Again — yeah…

[ Josh Brolin walks up ]

Josh Brolin: Hey, Mark!

Mark Wahlberg: Heyyy, Josh Brolin!

Josh Brolin: What’s going on?

Mark Wahlberg: How are you doing?

Josh Brolin: I’m good, good!

Mark Wahlberg: You were in the “Goonies” movie, right? [ Brolin nods, confused ] I produce “Entourage”!

Josh Brolin: Yeah, I-I-I know…

Mark Wahlberg: Say hi to your mother for me, alright?

Josh Brolin: Okay. [ turns and exits ]

Mark Wahlberg: And your stepmother.

Andy Samberg: Look, Mark, I-I didn’t mean any offense by you. I’m a fan of your movies…

Mark Wahlberg: Whoa, hold on a second. [ he approaches a donkey being held by a rope by a costumed Kenan Thompson ] Hey! Hey, donkey!

Kenan Thompson: What’s up, Mark?

Mark Wahlberg: How’s it going? You live in a barn, right? I’m in “Max Payne”. Have you see that movie? [ the donkey turns itself around ] Okay, donkey. Say hi to your mother for me. [ he returns to Andy ] So… Andy. I’m — actually, I’m glad we had this talk. I feel better.

Andy Samberg: Good. You know, me, too. [ he grimaces ] “Say hi to your mother for me?”

Mark Wahlberg: [ starts to throw a punch, then stops ] You know what? I’m not gonna go there. [ extends his arms ] Give me a hug. Come on! We’re gonna hug it out, bitch!

Andy Samberg: Alright…

[ they hug ]

Mark Wahlberg: I love you.

Andy Samberg: God bless you.

Mark Wahlberg: Never again, okay?

Andy Samberg: Okay.

Mark Wahlberg: Okay!

Andy Samberg: Alright.

[ Andy runs away, flailing ]

[ fade ]

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