Category: 2011

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

You Can Do Anything!

Kristina Nichols…..Vanessa Bayer
Roger Knight…..Bill Hader
Liam Terry…..Taran Killam
Taylor Dawn…..Jason Sudeikis
Brad Lewis…..Daniel Radcliffe

Kristina Nichols: Hi, I’m Kristina Nichols. I’m a photo blogger.

Roger Knight: I’m Roger Knight, an independant filmmaker.

Kristina Nichols: And welcome to “You Can Do Anything!”, the only show that celebrates the incredibly high self-esteem of the YouTube generation.

Roger Knight: Because now, thanks to technology and everyone being huge pussies about everything, it doesn’t matter if you have skills or training or user experience, you can do it.

Kristina Nichols: You can do anything!

Roger Knight: So let’s welcome our first guest: Liam Terry!

[ Liam Terry enters ]

Liam Terry: Hi everyone, I’m Liam Terry from liamterry.com.

Kristina Nichols: You’re so self-promotional, and everyone enjoys that!

Roger Knight: Tell us, what will you be doing today?

Liam Terry: I’ll be juggling ten bowling pins!

Roger Knight: So you’re a juggler?

Liam Terry: No.

Kristina Nichols: But you have juggled before?

Liam Terry: Never.

Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: Then you can do it!

[ he throws the ten pins in the air, and they come crashing down on him ]

Liam Terry: [ proudly ] I juggled!

Roger Knight: You sure did. Now when people ask if you’re a juggler, you can say yes!

Liam Terry: Because I have no shame or self-awareness.

Kristina Nichols: Okay, let’s meet our next guest. Liam, you can leave or stay, whichever you’d like.

Liam Terry: I’ll stay, because I’m full of unearned confidence.

Roger Knight: That’s great. Let’s welcome our next guest: Taylor Dawn. [ Taylor Dawn enters ] Taylor! Great. Tell us about yourself.

Taylor Dawn: Well, I’m what you would call Twitter famous.

Roger Knight: Meaning?

Taylor Dawn: Not famous.

Kristina Nichols: And I assume your self-esteem reflects that?

Taylor Dawn: No, no, on the contrary, my self-esteem is through the roof, because no one has never been honest with me about how mediocre I am.

Roger Knight: And what if someone were to be honest with you?

Taylor Dawn: I would immediately cry.

Kristina Nichols: And that’s accepted now. So, what will you be doing today?

Taylor Dawn: I’ll be performing a song I wrote based upon a poem I wrote.

Kristina Nichols: Oh good, the world needs more singer-songwriters and fewer doctors and engineers.

Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: And you can do anything!

Taylor Dawn: [ singing ] “A blue bird on a red wood / A green apple on a yellow taxi / An orange orange on a blue bird / Black and white are the same color.” I’ve never been punched!

Roger Knight: Out of curiosity, how is your relationship with your parents?

Taylor Dawn: Oh it’s great, they’re my two best friends and they, you know, they always tell me I’m great I am at everything.

Kristina Nichols: Is that why you’re so sucky and you don’t realize it?

Taylor Dawn: Probably, yeah…

Roger Knight: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah… [ they laugh ] Let’s welcome our final guest: Brad Lewis.

[ Brad Lewis enters ]

Brad Lewis: Thanks.

Roger Knight: Brad, backstage you were confused and upset because our producer didn’t know who you were?

Brad Lewis: Oh, correct, you see I posted a video of myself online and one thousand people have watched it, therefore I assume everyone knows my name and admires my work.

Kristina Nichols: It’s almost as though you consider yourself a star even though you’re shockingly unfamous.

Brad Lewis: And untalented.

Roger Knight: Correct. Correct. If you think you’re talented, then you are.

Brad Lewis: Well, it’s like Albert Einstein said: “Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent getting your name out there!”

Roger Knight: What will you be doing today, Brad?

Brad Lewis: I’ll be combining my two life’s passions: Irish dancing and Chinese calliography.

Kristina Nichols: Which I believe was your double major in college?

Brad Lewis: No, I majored in poetry and clowning, it cost my parents about 400… uh, about $45,000 a year.

Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: See? You can do anything!

Brad Lewis: Hit it!

[ he begins to Irish dance as he draws random lines on an easel ]

Brad Lewis: I went to a schol with no grades!

Roger Knight: Great work, Brad. Great, great, great work, Brad.

Brad Lewis: I tried and therefore no one should criticize me.

Roger Knight: Let’s take a break.

Kristina Nichols: When we return, I’ll give out the award for the best guest to all of our guests on…

Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: “You Can Do Anything!”

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Goodnights

…..Daniel Radcliffe

Daniel Radcliffe: Thank you very much to Lana Del Rey! And everybody who puts this show on every week, thank you so much! Good night! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

The Jay Pharoah Show

…..Jay Pharoah
…..Daniel Radcliffe

[ open on talk show set ]

Jay Pharoah: What’s going on, everybody? It’s “The Jay Pharoah Show”, with your host… [ he points to himself ] Jay Pharoah. I’m with my man — Daniel Radcliffe. Hey.

Daniel Radcliffe: Hi! Hello, Jay! I’m very — [ Jay high-fives him ] Oh! Thank you!

Jay Pharoah: There we go.

Daniel Radcliffe: I’m VERY excited to be here!

Jay Pharoah: Oh. Well… as Denzel Washington would say: [ imitating ] “Daniel Radcliffe! [ he chuckles heartily ] My man!” [ he claps his hands ]

Daniel Radcliffe: [ impressed, laughs ] Yes! Denzel Washington. That’s very good, I’ve seen that.

Jay Pharoah: Oh, thanks, man. Let me get my cards here. [ he grabs some blue cards and sighs ] So, uh… okay, yeah — som you just shot a new movie?

Daniel Radcliffe: Uh — yes! It’s called “The Woman in Black”.

Jay Pharoah: Okay, okay. And was that your first movie?

Daniel Radcliffe: Uh… no. No, not exactly.

Jay Pharoah: Okay. Okay.

Daniel Radcliffe: I was in the… the “Harry Potter” films.

Jay Pharoah: Oh, okay. Okay. Alright.

Daniel Radcliffe: [ confused ] Uh… are you familiar with “Harry Potter”? He’s, uh, a boy wizard.

Jay Pharoah: [ quickly ] Mmm-hmm. Oh, yeah! Yeah… yeah, yeah. [ fumbling for something to add ] Yeah… yeah, you know… [ imitating ] “Yeah! ‘Cause you know what WILL SMITH says about WIZARDS, right? You know what I’m saying? [ laughs like Smith ] Whooooo!! Wizards!”

Daniel Radcliffe: [ laughing ] It’s, uh — it’s a very good Will Smith!

Jay Pharoah: Oh, thanks, man. So, uh… [ consults his card and breathes heavily ] So, uh — “boy wizard”. You know, how’d you come up with that?

Daniel Radcliffe: Wha…? No! It wasn’t me! It was, uh, the author — J.K. Rowling!

Jay Pharoah: [ nodding ] Yeah, yeah… uh-huh…

Daniel Radcliffe: She wrote a series of books.

Jay Pharoah: Okay.

Daniel Radcliffe: Are you familiar with the books?

Jay Pharoah: [ quickly ] Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah… yeah, yeah, yeah.

Daniel Radcliffe: Do you… have a favorite?

Jay Pharoah: Yeah. [ fumbling to elaborate, he breaks into a Chris Rock impression ] “Well, you know what CHRIS ROCK says about boo-oo-ooks! It’s fun to read!”

Daniel Radcliffe: Right. Right. That’s Chris Rock. You know, Jay — it’s perfectly fine if you’re not familiar with Harry Potter.

Jay Pharoah: Okay.

Daniel Radcliffe: You know, not everyone has to be a fan.

Jay Pharoah: [ he breathes a sigh of relief ] Okay. Yeah, yeah… Yeah. Alright.

Daniel Radcliffe: So, honestly — do you know who I am?

Jay Pharoah: [ nodding ] Y-yeah. You know… [ breaks into another impression ] “Also: I’m TRACY MORGAN! And I want to get everybody in here PREGNANT!” [ he rubs his belly ]

Daniel Radcliffe: [ laughing ] That’s… very funny!

Jay Pharoah: [ laughing ] Man, you’re nice.

Daniel Radcliffe: Oh! Thanks!

Jay Pharoah: Well, uh… you need some more water?

Daniel Radcliffe: Uhh — no. [ he picks up an oversized glass ] I am… good… on water.

Jay Pharoah: Ohhh-kay. [ he sighs, as the theme music pots up ] Hey, there it is! “The Jay Pharoah Show”: 2012. Thank you for watching!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Daniel Radcliffe’s Monologue

…..Daniel Radcliffe
Dumbledore…..Jason Sudeikis
Harry Pothead…..Paul Brittain
Snooki…..Bobby Moynihan
The Situation…..Bill Hader

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Daniel Radcliffe!

Daniel Radcliffe: Thank you very, very much! Thank you! It is so GREAT to — thank you SO MUCH, everybody! It is so great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! [ an audience member screams ] Indeed! I love being in New York City! In fact, I just finished a run on Broadway in the musical “How to Succeed In Business Without Really Trying”… [ the audience cheers ] Thank you very much. I play Jay Pierpont Finch, in what I am almost CERTAIN will be the role people will always most associate me with!

But, of course, the biggest news is that, last year, the final “Harry Potter” film was released. Uh, the — [ the audience applauds ] Thank you! The incredible thing about the “Harry Potter” franchise is how it touched fans of all ages across the world. And to the children who love Harry Potter, I want to say: “Your enthusiasm was the real magic. I so enjoyed being on the journey with you.” And to the adults who read the Harry Potter books and devoured them, I just want to say: “Those books were for children. You were reading children’s books! I know they were long, but that’s because the letters were big — you know, for children?” Uh — I am joking, of course. I would NEVER insult the adult fans of Harry Potter. Though, if I did, what’s the worst they could do? It’s not like the wands they carry around are real. A joke!

Now, when I agreed to host “SNL”, one of the biggest questions I had was how much should we do with Harry Potter, taking into account that, over the years, there have been multiple Harry Potter sketches on the show. I, in fact, myself, have been played by the likes of [ reveal screen captures ] Bill Hader… Hugh Jackman… and, of course, Rachel Dratch. I think we can all agree Jackman came the closest! So, with a history of “Harry Potter” scenes at the show already, I said to Lorne, “If at all possible, let’s not do one. No one wants to see Dumbledore working at Harry Pottery Barn.” [ Jason Sudeikis appears behind him dressed as Dumbledore holding up pots ] “I mean — and, if we can, let’s not do Harry Pothead.” [ Paul Brittain dressed as stoner Harry Potter appears behind him ] Now — by your reactions, I can’t help but think they walked up behind me and made a hasty retreat. That makes sense, as, thinking back to my conversation with Lorne, he gave me very few signals that he was listening to a word I said. Which, I believe means it is highly likely that you will see a “Harry Potter” sketch tonight. [ the audience cheers ] Although, I just truly hope it is not “Jersey Shore Hogwarts”. [ Bobby Moynihan and Bill Hader appear as Snooki and The Situation behind him ] I mean, “Jersey Shore Hogwarts” — how lazy can you get? I mean, that — that would be AWFUL! Really, just —

[ Snooki rushes forward to pound Radcliffe ]

Snooki: Hey, BACK OFF, Wizard! I’m not taking —

[ The Situation pushes her away ]

Daniel Radcliffe: Well, it’s better they hear it now. We have a FANTASTIC show for you tonight, ladies and gentlemen! Lana Del Rey is here. So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Glenda Okones for Mayor

Glenda Okones…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Glenda Okones standing ]

Glenda Okones: Hey. I’m Glenda Okones. I’m running for Mayor of Glen Falls. Because of the cutthroat nature of this campaign, I am released an attack ad — on myself!

Announcer: Who’s the real Glenda Okones?

Glenda Okones: I’m flawed. They say I’m harsh, I’m cold… the B-word has been thrown around quite a bit.

Announcer: B-Word.

Glenda Okones: Here’s why: I just have a naturally frowny face. Not ugly, but certainly severe looking.

Announcer: Severe looking.

Glenda Okones: A lot of people say I’m a bad listener. You may be sharing a story from your life, one that’s going to remind me of a better story — from MY life. So I’m just gonna start talking louder than you, and hopefully you’ll give up and stop talking altogether.

I think it’s okay to push people.

Well, there you go — now it’s all out there. If you’re looking for a cute mayor who listens to you, I am not your candidate. But if you’re okay with this: Vote Okones.

Announcer: Glenda Okones for Mayor.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Glenda Okones for Mayor II

Glenda Okones…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on silent clip from previous Glenda Okones ad ]

Announcer: Glenda Okones claims she’s a bad listener with a pointy face. But what isn’t she telling us?

[ flash-cuto to Okones ]

Glenda Okones: I’m Glenda Okones, Glen Falls mayoral candidate. I claimed it was “all out there” in my last ad, but I’m calling B.S. on myself!

Announcer: B.S.!

Glenda Okones: That was not everything. I do have a few more flaws. Some say I’m abrasive. I am always honking. I’m a single mother of two girls — I do love the youngest one more than the oldest. Yeah, yeah — I know as a parent, you’re not supposed to admit that… but for now my youngest is in the lead — by a long shot! Environment? Don’t care about it. If I see a spider, I’m gonna smash the SHIT out of it! If I see a bunny on my lawn, I’m gonna run after that freakin’ thing with a HATCHET! And I won’t have to get the hatchet, ’cause I carry one on me at all times.

Well, now you’ve definitely heard it all. Take it or leave — I am naked in front of you. Not literally, thank heavens, ’cause let’s just say I don’t do any maintenance. Vote Okones.

Announcer: Glenda Okones for Mayor.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Glenda Okones for Mayor III

Glenda Okones…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on black-and-white photo of tree stumps ]

Announcer: Glenda Okones admits she hates the environment and her eldest daughter. But what else is she hiding?

[ flash-cut to Okones ]

Glenda Okones: Real quick, folks. I’m Glenda Okones again. I did once break into an elderly woman’s home, pulle her from her bed, roughed her up a little bit. [ she holds up her finger ] Before you go to judgment, I want you to know it was my own mother. She has been complaining for about five years: “I’m gonna be attacked, I just know it…!” So I got it done for her! Now she can move on to something else. And I’ll tell you this: I was never her favorite, and I’m an only child. Vote Okones!

Announcer: Glenda Okones for Mayor.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Exit Polling

Pollster…..Kristen Wiig
Voter…..Daniel Radcliffe

[ open on exterior, polling precinct ]

[ SUPER: “Concord, New Hampshire” ]

Pollster: [ as voters leave ] Thank you so much. [ a new voter walks up ] Oh, hi there! Hi! Do you mind if I ask you some exit poll questions?

Voter: Uh… no. No, that’s fine.

Pollster: Great! Thank you. Um… who did you vote for?

Voter: I voted for Mitt Romney.

Pollster: Annnnd who did you vote for in 2008?

Voter: John McCain.

Pollster: Okay. You’re doing great, by the way! [ she laughs ] Uh… do you consider yourself a moderate Republican, a conservative Republican, a Tea Partier, a crazy Whackadoodle, or a Democrat voting sarcastically?

Voter: Uh… I guess, a moderate Republican.

Pollster: Great. Uh, when you voted, were you like, “I love this guy!” or were you like, “He’ll do,” or like, “I don’t know who ANY of these people are!”?

Voter: Uhhhh, I guess… “He’ll do.”

Pollster: Okay…

Voter: Uh… am I done?

Pollster: No. [ she writes his response down ] “He’ll… do…”

Voter: Am I done now?

Pollster: Okay, sorry. Um… Are you male or female? I’m sorry — it’s on here, I have to ask.

Voter: Male.

Pollster: [ she glances at him ] Oh. [ she laughs ] I’m glad I asked! Okay… Which best describes your ethnicity? Are you White? [ with a hip-hop accent ] Are you Black? [ bouncing her head ] Hee-spanic? [ high-pitched ] Asian? [ mechanically ] Or are you a Robot?

Voter: Uh… uh… White.

Pollster: Okay. And to what age group do you belong: 18 to 24 —

Voter: Yes.

Pollster: Sorry, I have to read them all. [ she laughs ] Uhhh… 18 to 24…? [ she stares at him for a moment ]

Voter: Yes.

Pollster: I’m sorry. I have to read them all. “18 to 24… [ she stares at him for another moment ] or 25 to 150.”

Voter: 18 to 24.

Pollster: Okay. Single or married?

Voter: Single.

Pollster: Oh! Great. Uh… gay or straight?

Voter: Uh, straight.

Pollster: Okay. Uh, Jewish?

Voter: Yes.

Pollster: You’re perfect! Would you ever consider going out with my friend Diane Finkelstein?

Voter: No.

Pollster: You know what? It’s probably for the best. Because you’re on the smaller side, and she’s so fat.

Voter: Are we done?

Pollster: Um, almost… almost. Oh, this is a good one: “You walk in your bedroom and turn on the lights — standing buck-naked in the middle of the room is Ron Paul, Rick Santorum, or Newt Gingrich. Which one of these options bums you out the most?

Voter: Wow. Uh… that’s tough… Ron Paul. No! Newt Gingrich. No… Ron Paul.

Pollster: Remember — buck-naked.

Voter: [ he sighs ] No… Newt Gingrich.

Pollster: [ whispering ] You got that one right! [ continuing ] Uh… can you sleep on planes?

Voter: Yes!

Pollster: I can’t! [ continuing ] Do you like my new laugh? [ she laughs heartily ]

Voter: Uhhh… yeah. It’s fine.

Pollster: ‘Cause this is my old laugh: [ she laughs with a choked stifle ]

Voter: Uhhh… the new one. That is better.

Pollster: Um… Thanks! Okay. Uh… do you think I could pull off bangs?

Voter: Uh… I don’t know. What would that look like?

Pollster: I’ll hold this up. [ she puts her clipboard atop her to create the illusion of bangs ]

Voter: Uhhhh… Yeah. Sure.

Pollster: What about over one eye? [ she tilts her clipboard ]

Voter: Uhhh… sure.

Pollster: [ she moves the clipboard back ] Do you have a preference as to which?

Voter: Uhhhh… I-I-I don’t really have a preference…

Pollster: [ whining ] Ple-e-e-e-e-ease!!

Voter: Uh — bangs! Bangs!

Pollster: Ohhhkay… he knows what he wants! You would be PERFECT for Diane.

Voter: Uh — no!

Pollster: Yeah. Again, probably for the best. She’s so fat. She’s so fat.

Voter: No! This is no lnoger about politics!

Pollster: Okay, um — that’s okay. Um — Which candidate quality matters most to how you voted: Has a vision for the future? Honest and trustworthy? Stands up for what he believes in?

Voter: Uh… a vision for the future.

Pollster: Alright, uh, follow-up: What do you consider the most likely vision for the future: Monkeys still in cages? Monkeys in charge? Or no more monkeys?

Voter: Uh… monkeys in cages?

Pollster: Oky. A follow-up to the follow-up: “Have you seen the new “Planet of the Apes”?

Voter: I have not.

Pollster: Okay. Follow-up, follow-up, follow-up: “Would you be into this: I bring the “Planet of the Apes” DVD to your house… you open a bottle of wine… we forget about Fat Diane, and see what happens?”

Voter: No! Absolutely not!

Pollster: Perfect. Final question: “WHERE DO YOU GET OFF?!!”

Voter: Goodbye! [ he rushes off ]

Pollster: I’m switching you to GAY!! ROBOT!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Hogwarts Academy

Minerva…..Kristen Wiig
Student…..Nasim Pedrad
Harry Potter…..Daniel Radcliffe
Ron Weasley…..Taran Killam
Hermione Granger…..Abby Elliott
Draco Malfoy…..Paul Brittain
Hagrid…..Bobby Moynihan
Luna Lovegood…..Vanessa Bayer
Professor Snape…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Hogwart’s Castle, 2020 ]

[ dissolve to cast interior, as Minerva leads a group of students in ]

Minerva: Okay, girls, gather round. This is Gryffindor House, where you shall study, socialize, and sign up for extracurriculars.

Student: Wow! It’s beautiful!

Minerva: Many of Hogwart’s greatest alums have graced these halls — some of them have become legends.

[ Harry Potter peeks in from a back hall ]

Harry Potter: Hello! did somebody say “legend”?

Student: Harry Potter!

Harry Potter: That’s right! The boy who lived! In the flesh! Uh — congratulations to all of you for being accepted to Hogwart’s. These are going to be the BEST days of your lives. [ sadly ] Honestly. The best. It does not get better.

Student: But what are you doing here?

Harry Potter: Oh, I thought I’d apperate in for the weekend, welcome the newbies. It feels like just yesterday I was here!

Minerva: You WERE here yesterday! And the day before! Which is odd, considering you graduated ten years ago!

Harry Potter: [ laughing ] Ha! Yes! So… is He Who Must Not Be Named giving you any trouble?

Student: Voldemort? No, he’s dead.

Harry Potter: [ ecstatic ] Oh! That’s right! I killed him! Remember that! Yeah! That was great! [ ge high-fives the students ] Let’s all celebrate! Yuo love it, kids! Yeah! Just eliminated all evil all over the world. You’re welcome. I did that when I was 18. And just yesterday — this is equally as exciting — I bought a Volvo. Let’s celebrate! Who’s thirsty? [ he pulls out a can of beer from his jacket ]

Minerva: Mr. Potter, you know very well we do not allow alcohol on these premises!

Harry Potter: Don’t worry… it’s just butter beer. [ he leans closer to the student ] Is it? [ he smiles ]

[ Ron and Hermione enter ]

Ron Weasley: Harry?

Hermione Granger: Harry James Potter! You’re back — again.

Harry Potter: Ron! Hermoine! how are you!

Hermione Granger: Well, we’re teachers now, remember?

Ron Weasley: Yeah, we work here… so it’s not weird.

Harry Potter: Oh! The gang’s all back together! [ he hugs them ]

Ron Weasley: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah… Harry, I thought you were out of town, mate.

Harry Potter: Well, yeah, I’ll be out. I’ll be touring, I’ll do shows, I’ll do magic, making things disappear. You know, one thing I can’t make disappear — my MORTGAGE! [ he laughs uproariously, then leans closer to the student ] You know what I’m talking about!

Student: I don’t!

[ Malfoy enters ]

Draco Malfoy: Well, well, well! Harry Potter!

Harry Potter: Malfoy. Still hanging around, lurking. You can’t keep living in the past, mate. [ to the student ] I was a varsity seeker first year. Doesn’t happen often. [ he turns back to Malfoy ] So, uh — what do you want, Malfoy?

Draco Malfoy: Oh, uh… just wanted to say Hello. My wife and I are dropping off our daughter for orientation. Amd she said she saw you outside playing Quiddich — alone. And making cheering noises. Was that you?

Harry Potter: [ laughing nervously ] No. Yes. But, you know… I’m still having fun, though. Not boring and married, like you!

[ Hagrid stumbles in ]

Hagrid: He’s not the only one, Harry, my boy.

Harry Potter: [ alarmed ] Hagrid?! You, too?!

Hagrid: Yep. Tied the knot! I married Luna Lovegood here.

Luna Lovegood: He’s huuuge!

Hagrid: Yep! Yep! The lonely janitor in the trenchcoat who lives just off campus, found love with a student. Who would have guessed?

Harry Potter: Well, uh, that’s brilliant! I’m so glad to hear we’re all doing great!

Professor Snape: Not everyone!

[ reveal Professor Snape in his portrait ]

Harry Potter: Professor Snape. Still watching me from the beyond.

Professor Snape: [ sternly ] Hello, Potter!

Harry Potter: I used to think this bloke was a dark lord. It turns out he was looking after me the whole time! Oops!

Professor Snape: “Oops”? Really? Harry, you turned out magnificently. Definitely worth sacrificing my life!

Harry Potter: [ to Hagrid ] Is he being sarcastic, or not? [ Hagrid shrugs ]

Ron Weasley: Alright, Harry… we’ve gotta get back to work, mate.

Hermione Granger: Good to see you, Harry.

[ everyone starts to walk away ]

Harry Potter: Well, hold on! Who wants to re-enact the fight I had with Voldemort on the bridge? [ to the student ] Spoiler alert: I win!

Student: Yay!

[ the new students run into the hall ]

Harry Potter: Yeah! Go on, you kids! Yes! Off you go! I’ll be right behind you! [ he sighs ] I’ve still got it.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Romney: Believe in America

Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Becky…..Abby Elliott

[ CAMPAIGN GRAPHIC – ROMNEY: BELIEVE IN AMERICA ]

Mitt Romney (V/O): I’m Mitt Romney and I approved this message

INT. JIM BOB’S DINER – DAY

[ Former Massachusetts Governor MITT ROMNEY, in a Carhart jacket and unbuttoned shirt, is seated at a table. ]

Mitt Romney: Hello… hello, I’m Mitt Romney and I’m speaking to you today from Jim Bob’s Diner; a really fantastic diner outside Aiken, South Carolina. As I’ve said, it’s a really fantastic place. It really is. I enjoy it very much. It’s super.

I’m down here to bring my Presidential campaign down to the people here of this great state. They definitely connect with me on a human level and don’t find me weird at all. Say, did everyone see that Broncos-Steelers game last Sunday? Wasn’t that something?

And how about that Tim Tebow? He was slinging the pigskin down the field. You know, I’ll bet you dollars to donuts the Broncos give my beloved Patriots a run for their money on the gridiron tomorrow. I’ll be watching that game along with my five human sons and my expectation is that I will enjoy it very, very much!

[ Governor Romney glances off-camera. ]

What’s that?

[ A beat ]

It’s being played tonight?

[ A beat ]

That’s wonderful news! The fact is our whole family loves to watch sporting events on the television on the weekend. So normal are we! It sure beats doing chores at home. That’s for sure! Of course, I’m kidding… we got people for that.

A few days ago, we had another great result in New Hampshire. Of course, we enjoyed that very much as well. Unfortunately, that victory was clouded by a bit of a kerfuffle of a remark I made the day before. I was speaking to a crowd about the importance of being able to choose YOUR own insurance company and simply put, when the service provider isn’t doing the job, you have to make a change — adding, you ought to fire people.

I think the audience understood what I was saying. It’s like when you’re raking leaves out in the yard and your t-shirt is a little clammy. You go inside and FIRE IT. Replacing with a dry t-shirt or no t-shirt at all. It’s like that…

Of course, my opponents immediately pounced on that remark and tried to relate it to my work at Bain Capital. At Bain, we specialized in acquiring failing companies. Sometimes, this did involve individuals being “fired”. That is, in the sense, losing their jobs. That is the exception, not the rule.

[ A young, teenage waitress, BECKY, enters. ]

Becky: Hi!

Mitt Romney: Oh, hello there! I’m Mitt Romney!

Becky: I’m Becky.

Mitt Romney: Becky — I’m really enjoying MEETING YOU! How old are you? No, wait! Let me guess… 31.

Becky: I’m 19.

Mitt Romney: Close enough!

Becky: What can I get you?

Mitt Romney: I’d like two eggs!

Becky: How do you want them?

Mitt Romney: Laid off!

Becky: Laid off?

Mitt Romney: Yeah, you know, laid off.

Becky: You mean, over easy?

Mitt Romney: Bingo! Say, what does that come with?

Becky: Bacon.

Mitt Romney: No, bacon. Let’s throw the bacon “out-of-work.” Can I replace it with sausage?

Becky: Sure.

Mitt Romney: Okay. Can I replace the bacon with sausage but pay half the price for the sausage I would’ve paid for the bacon?

Becky: It’s the same amount.

Mitt Romney: Thought I’d ask…

Becky: It also comes with toast.

Mitt Romney: I don’t care for toast. I’d like to see the toast lose its job — without notice, if possible. Can I have an English muffin instead?

Becky: Okay.

Mitt Romney: Good. Can the English muffin be hired on a temporary basis? Meaning that if I’m not hungry enough to eat it, I don’t have to pay.

Becky: Sure. Coffee?

Mitt Romney: No. No, coffee. I’d like orange juice. Is it freshly strangled?

Becky: You mean, fresh squeezed?

Mitt Romney: Yes, fresh squeezed… as you call it…

Becky: Anything else?

Mitt Romney: I’M. FINE. BECKY.

[ Becky departs. ]

Mitt Romney: She’s a nice girl. I’d like to be able to fire her. Well, I think you’ve enjoyed this time we’ve spent together and I think you’ll agree that I’ve come across as genuine and warm.

Thank you, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts