Category: 2011

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 19

11s: Josh Brolin / Gotye

Bar

Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Rick Santorum…..Andy Samberg
Barmaid…..Nasim Pedrad
Rick Perry…..Bill Hader
Michele Bachmann…..Kristen Wiig
Herman Cain…..Kenan Thompson
Newt Gingrich…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on exterior of bar ]

[ dissolve to interior, bar counter, where Mitt Romney sits with Rick Santorum ]

Rick Santorum: It’s good to see you, Mitt.

Mitt Romney: Hey, thanks for meeting me here. Now that you’re out of the race, I just wanted to tell you in person that you ran a great campaign.

Rick Santorum: Oh, thanks, Mitt. And congratulations on the nomiation. It was hard-fought.

[ Romney chuckles, as the barmaid steps forward ]

Barmaid: What can I get you two?

Rick Santorum: Well, we’re celebrating for my friend, so I’ll have a chocolate milk.

Mitt Romney: Mmm! And I’ll have a napkin. [ the Barmaid steps away ] That was certainly a Primary season to remember, huh?

Rick Santorum: It sure was. There was even a time when people were saying I was the frontrunner. [ Romney chuckles ] Gotta thank you for that, Mitt.

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm.

Rick Santorum: The only candidate that can ever make me look exciting.

Mitt Romney: And you’re the only candidate who can make me look gay-friendly!

Rick Santorum: Ah! You’re just saying that! I’m gonna miss you, Mitt.

[ they begin to sing Green Day’s “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” ]

Mitt Romney: [ singing ]
“Another turning point,
a fork stuck in the road.”

Rick Santorum: [ singing ]
“Times grabs you by the wrist,
directs you where to go.”

Together: [ singing ]
“So make the best of this test and don’t ask why!
It’s not a question ,but a lesson learned in time.
It was always unpredictable, but in the end what’s right
This campaign was the time of my life!”

[ the Barmaid returns with their orders ]

Barmaid: There you go.

Mitt Romney: Great! Thank you. [ he takes out an envelope ] And I’ve placed your tip in this envelope. Make sure you give it to your husband when you get home — he’ll know best what to do with it.

[ the Barmaid steps away ]

Rick Santorum: And don’t spend it on birth control!

Mitt Romney: Yeah! Cheers!

[ they tip their glasses, as Rick Perry enters ]

Rick Perry: Hey, I hope y’all aren’t reminiscing without me!

Rick Santorum: What’s up!

Mitt Romney: Rick Perry! Rick!

Rick Santorum: You ran a great campaign, Governor Perry.

Rick Perry: There was even a time when I was the frontrunner. Yeah, I might have won the darned thing if I didn’t take a deuce every time I opened my mouth.

Mitt Romney: Mmm!

Rick Santorum: Still, I’m sure you learned a lot from the campaign.

Rick Perry: Hey, you guys remember that weird game show we were on, standing in front of podiums, answering questions?

Mitt Romney: Rick, that wasn’t a game show. Those were debates.

Rick Perry: “Debates”? If you ask me, they were “de-worst”!

Mitt Romney & Rick Santorum: [ singing ]
“You were always unpredictable!”

Rick Perry: [ singing ]
“Really not that bright.”

All: [ singing ]
“This campaign was the time of my life!”

[ Michele Bachmann enters ]

Michele Bachmann: Well, well, well!

Mitt Romney: Hey, it’s Michele Bachmann! Alright! Hey, are you crashing boys night?

Michele Bachmann: Oh, I’ve crashed a lot of boys nights — usually when I come home early and unannounced.

Mitt Romney: Mmm.

Rick Santorum: Great campaign, Michele!

Mitt Romney: Yeah, you had me worried there for a minute.

Michele Bachmann: Yeah, I mean, there was even a moment when I was the frontrunner… and then it all fell apart when Newsweek made a very creepy cover photo of my face.

Mitt Romney: Oh, that’s right! Hey! Come on, Michele — show us the Newsweek face!

Michele Bachmann: Oh, I couldn’t…

Mitt Romney: No! Come on!

All: News-week face! News-week face!

Michele Bachmann: Alright… fine, fine… [ she makes the face ]

All: Yayyyyyyy!!!

[ singing ]
“You were just like Sarah Palin.”

Michele Bachmann: [ singing ]
“Further to the right.”

All: [ singing ]
“This campaign was the time of my life!”

Michele Bachmann: Does this bar serve food? I am STARVING!

Mitt Romney: Mmm?

[ Herman Cain enters ]

Herman Cain: Hey! Well, we can always order a PIZZA!

All: HERRRRRRMMMM!!!

Mitt Romney: Herman, let me just say that you ran a GREAT campaign! I mean, you really gave me a run for my money!

Herman Cain: Well, I did alright. Why, there was even a moment there when I was the frontrunner. But, you know… this country just isn’t ready for an African-American president. I mean, especially if he wears a cowboy hat, runs a pizza chain, and sexually harasses every woman he meets.

Michele Bachmann: You never harassed me.

Herman Cain: [ nodding ] Uh-huh.

Mitt Romney: Still — you have to admit your campaign was a wild ride!

Herman Cain: [ he laughs ] Yeah! In the beginning, I was all: “I can fix this economy with 9-9-9.” And by the end I had 999 problems, and the BITCH was ALL of them!

Mitt Romney: I love it! It’s a RAPSTER reference! Alright! Well, Herman… Herman, let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.

Herman Cain: How about giving me a spot on your cabinet?

Mitt Romney: Well, that depends, Herman — how bad do you want the job?

Herman Cain: Hey, that’s MY line!

[ Romney laughs ]

Herman Cain: [ singing ]
“The choice is unpredictable, but in the end he’s white.”

All: [ singing ]
“This campaign was the time of my life!”

Michele Bachmann: Oh no, guys… Gingrich is here.

Mitt Romney: Uh-oh!

[ they all cover their faces as Newt Gingrich breezes past ]

Rick Santorum: I can’t believe he’s still in the race.

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm.

Rick Santorum: I heard his campaign is completely out of money.

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm.

Herman Cain: Oh, man! Look! He’s stealing nuts!

[ reveal Gingrich scooping complimentary peanuts into his shirt pocket ]

Mitt Romney: Awwww, nut-stealer! Hey, uh, can I admit something to you guys?

Rick Santorum: Well, sure. You’re among friends.

Mitt Romney: RomneyCare is just ObamaCare.

Rick Santorum: D’oh!

Mitt Romney: There you go!

Rick Santorum: I KNEW it!! [ Romney chuckles heartily ] I can’t believe none of us could beat you.

Mitt Romney: And I can’t believe it took so long to win! Hey, one more time!

[ singing ]
“Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.”

Michele Bachmann: [ warbling ]
“Time grabs you by the reins, directs you where to go.”

Rick Santorum & Herman Cain: [ singing ]
“So make the best of this, and don’t ask why!”

Rick Perry: [ singing ]
“It’s not affected, but it…”

[ he throws his hands up and admits he doesn’t know the lyrics ]

All: [ singing ]
“It’s always unpredictable, but in the end was right
This campaign was the time of my life!
This campaign was the time of my liiiiife!”

Mitt Romney: Come on, gang! Say it with me here, huh?

[ everyone crowss around Romney ]

All: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiighttttt!!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 19

11s: Josh Brolin / Gotye

Goodnights

…..Josh Brolin

Josh Brolin: Thanks to Gotye! And Kimbra! Steven Spielberg! The whole “Saturday Night” cast! To Lorne Michaels, for creating the GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 19

11s: Josh Brolin / Gotye

Woodridge High

Mr. Russell…..Bill Hader
Katie…..Vanessa Bayer
Stacey…..Nasim Pedrad
Brett…..Taran Killam
Goth Student…..Kenan Thompson
Majorette…..Abby Elliott
Donovan…..Bobby Moynihan
Eric Adler…..Andy Samberg
Dr. Failer…..Josh Brolin
Witch…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on exterior, Woodridge High School ]

[ dissolve to interior hallway, as Mr. Russell shows Katie around ]

Mr. Russell: There’s the gym, where we have P.E. And through those doors, the cafeteria.

Katie: Thanks for giving me a tour, Mr. Russell! It’s SCARY being the new kid, you know?

Mr. Russell: Oh, don’t worry, Katie, you’ll be fine. Woodridge High is a pretty cool school.

Katie: [ glancing across the hall ] Whoa! Who are they?

[ cut to adjacent hallway, as Stacey and Brett saunter through in slow-motion to Soul Kid #1’s “(More Bounce In) California” ]

Mr. Russell: That’s, uh… Stacey and Brett.

Katie: Wow! What’s their deal?

Mr. Russell: He’s captain of the football team, she’s head cheerleader, and, together, they’re pretty much the coolest couple in school.

Katie: No, I — I mean, why are they walking like that?

Mr. Russell: Oh, yeah. That’s the hallway where everything’s in slow-motion.

[ in slow-motion, Brett pounds on his locker to open it and lean against it, as Stacey applies her lipstick ]

Katie: So… why isn’t it affecting us?

Mr. Russell: Well, we’re not quite in the hallways. No, it starts right about, uh… [ he taes a few small steps forward and waves his hand up and down ] Here. [ his hand now waves in slow-motion ] Yeah. [ he leans into the zone, as an electric charge is heard and his speech slows down ] And it affects evvvvveryyyyyonnnne innnn theeee hallllllwayyyyy… [ he steps back into the normal-speed zone, as another electric charge is heard ] See?

Katie: Wait — it doesn’t work only on the cool kids?

Mr. Russell: No, it works on anyone in the hallway. [ pointing ] See? I mean, these two definitely aren’t cool.

[ cut to nerdy-looking majorette and goth punk sauntering through the hall in slow-motion ]

Katie: So… is it.. is it dangerous?

Mr. Russell: No. [ pointing ] Unless you’re Donovan.

[ cut to Stacey laughing as Brett gives Donovan a wedgie in slow-motion ]

Katie: Well… I don’t care for that. But how does this hallway exist?

Mr. Russell: No one knows for sure. One theory is that it’s cursed, because they burned a crazy old witch here. But our Chemistry teacher, Dr. Failer, he’s trying to prove it’s science.

[ Dr. Failer saunters down the hall in slow-motion, pouring liquid between science jars ]

Katie: Now… can people in the hallways see us?

Mr. Russell: Great question, Katie! They’re in slow-motion, but they can still interact with us. [ calling ] Hey, Brett! It’s gonna take a second for the sound to get to him, you know, everything travels slower…

Brett: Whaaaaaaaatttttt’s uuuuuuuuppppp!!

Mr. Russell: What’s uuuuuupp!! [ to Katie ] You see? It’s just like any other high school.

Katie: But what if you get stuck in there, and you have to go to the bathroom?

Mr. Russell: That’s a question for Eric “Small Bladder” Adler!

[ cut to Eric running down the hall in slow-motion, as urine stains his pants and Stacey and Brett laugh at him ]

Katie: Someone should report this to the government!

Mr. Russell: The government? It moves slow enough! Am I right? [ he laughs ] Hey-ooooo!! I don’t know. Anyway, seriously, the government would destroy our town. [ pointing ] Oh — it looks like Dr. Failer’s got something.

Dr. Failer: [ slowly making his way into the normal zone ] Euuuuuuuuuuuu… [ he pushes through ] REKA!! I know you don’t feel like you’re in slow-motion, but you DO feel COOLER!! Which means that I’m THIS close to finally understanding what’s behind this phenomenon!

Mr. Russell: Is it the curse of the old witch?

Dr. Failer: Of course not! Don’t be ridiculous! It HAS to be SCIENCE!!

[ Dr. Failer rushes back into the slow-motion zone ]

Mr. Russell: [ to Katie ] That’s the, uh… the hallway. You’ll get used to it. Do you want to see the auditorium?

Katie: [ excitedly ] Do I!

[ they turn and exit down the hallway ]

[ back in the slow-motion hallway, reveal the old witch chasing Dr. Failer, Stacey and Brett in slow-motion ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 19

11s: Josh Brolin / Gotye

Josh Brolin’s Monologue

…..Josh Brolin…..Jay Pharoah

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Josh Brolin!

Josh Brolin: Thank you! Thank you! Yeah! Thank you!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you very much! It is SO great to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I have to say, you know, for me, as an actor, this is just the most exciting challenge in the world. You know, I’ve been in so many serious movies like “No Country For Old Men” and “True Grit”, it’s just refreshing to, you know, come here and just be STUPID! Like REALLY stupid. Like career-endingly stupid. And what a perfect time to be here. Is there anything better than Spring in New York City? [ the crowd cheers ] Girls in short skirts. Guys in weird… tight capri pants. It’s really nice out. I even took one of those bicycle caps at the airport. It cost $1,200, but, luckily, I didn’t have to pay because the guy had a heart attack on the way here.

So this is my second time host. Uh, but the first time with this stylish goatee. I’m contractually obligated to wear it because of a project I’m doing. Uh, starting next month, I’ll be the official spokesman for the 90’s! [ cut to close-up ] You down with O.P.P.? Yeah, you know me? The 90’s? [ he smiles with a tinkle

I’m also in a movie next month, called “Men in Black III”. [ the crowd cheers wildly ] And in it, Will Smith travels back in time to 1969, and I play a young Tommy Lee Jones. And I did a lot of research for the role, you know? I looked up old photos of Tommy Lee Jones. Here’s one of him as a baby. [ reveal photoshopped image of Tommy Lee Jones’ head on a baby’s body ] So we can’t show you a clip form the movie, because it doesn’t come out until May — so I’m gonna show you the next best thing, okay? [ Jay Pharoah steps out ] So Jay will be doing his Wlil Smith… [ the crowd goes nuts ] and I’ll be doing a young Tommy Lee Jones.

Jay Pharoah: Okay, let me just warm up a little bit, alright? [ he clears his throat loudly ] Uh-huh! Yeah! WHOOOOO!! Okay… okay. [ he begins ] “Ugh! So, uh, check it out, alright? Yo! So there’s these ALIENS, right? So I was THINKING, you know, we should get some of those BIG-ASS space guns and go kick some MARTIAN BUTT! WHOOOO!! You know what I mean, K?”

Josh Brolin: [ arms folded ] “Alright.” [ to the audience ] There you go! Thank you very much!

[ the crowd applauds wildly ]

We’ve got a great show for you tonight! Gotye is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 19

11s: Josh Brolin / Gotye

Another SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Taran Kllam
…..Gotye

[ SUPER: “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ “Another” sizzles on top ]

[ cut to Gotye’s dressing room, as Andy Samberg and Taran Killam come knocking ]

Andy Samberg: Hey! Gotye! How are you?

Gotye: Nice to meet you!

Taran Killam: We just wanted to say Hi! before the show!

Andy Samberg: Yeah. Big fans of yours.

Taran Killam: HUGE!

Gotye: I’m a big fan of you guys, too, so…

Andy Samberg: [ humbled ] Ahh! It’s probably me more than Taran, but, uh… [ Taran grimaces ] Your “Somebody I Used To Know” video is amazing! You’re painted, the wall’s painted, and you’re like camoflauged into the scenery.

Taran Killam: Yeah! It’s best of the year.

Gotye: Wow! You seem like really big fans!

Andy & Taran: [ smiling ] We are!!

Gotye: Cool, uh… I’d better get warmed up, you know, and, uh…

Taran Killam: Of course! We’ll get out of your hair!

Gotye: Alright.

Andy Samberg: Have a good one.

[ Andy and Taran exit the dressing room, as Gotye closes the door and sits in front of a painting on the wall and reads the newspaper ]

[ Gotye’s song begins to play, as Andy and Taran appear behind the couch with their bodies painted so as to help them blend in with the painting on the wall ]

Gotye: Guys?

Andy Samberg: What? What’s up?

Gotye: What are you doing?

Andy Samberg: We’re like you! Get it?

Taran Killam: We like your music video! We told you that.

Gotye: Yeah. I just really want to focus on the show tonight.

Andy Samberg: We totally get that…

Taran Killam: We’re not even here.

Andy Samberg: Just ignore us.

[ Gotye stares unbelievably at the stillness of Andy and Taran, until the music pops up again and they begin to sway in time ]

Gotye: Yeah… it’s weird, guys.

Andy Samberg: [ whispering ] Like from the video!

Gotye: Guys! Seriously! Could you leave?! [ the music stops ] Please?

Andy Samberg: A thousand apologies. We overplayed this.

Taran Killam: We see that now.

Gotye: Yes! Uh… we’ll get out of your hair.

Taran Killam: You will NOT see us again.

Gotye: Goodbye.

[ Gotye returns to his paper as Andy and Taran exit the dressing room away from the door ]

Taran Killam: [ peeking in, with soundtrack ] “I used to know!!”

Gotye: Wow.

Andy Samberg: [ peeking in, with soundtrack ] “I used to know!!”

Gotye: Jeez!

Andy & Taran: [ peeking in, with soundtrack ] “I used to know!!”

Gotye: [ jumping up ] GUYS, YOU GOTTA LEAVE!!

[ Andy & Taran rush to the door ]

Gotye: [ covering his eyes ] Put some pants on next time.

[ reveal Andy & Taran’s full-on nudity ]

Taran Killam: We intentionally didn’t pain this part.

Andy Samberg: We wanted you to see.

Gotye: Well, I see!

Andy & Taran: [ weakly ] “I used to knowwww!!”

[ Gotye doesn’t respond ]

Taran Killam: We’ll leave.

Andy Samberg: We’ll leave.

[ Andy & Taran exit Gotye’s dressing room, their bare butts wagging ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 19

11s: Josh Brolin / Gotye

HBO First Look

Written by: Sarah Schneider, Zach Kanin, and Kumail Nanjiani

Kit Harrington…..Taran Killam
Therese Sullivan…..Kate McKinnon
George R. R. Martin…..Bobby Moynihan
Adam Friedberg…..Andy Samberg
Director…..John Solomon

Announcer: And now, an “HBO First Look” at the hit series “Game of Thrones”.

[ display fighting scenes ]

Kit Harrington: “Game of Thrones” is, uh, an epic story of good vs. evil.

Therese Sullivan: You never know who to root for, the characters are all so complex.

Announcer: The success of the show is linked to its two creative consultants: Author George R.R. Martin…

George R. R. Martin: I’m on-set to ensure that the show honors the spirit of my books.

Announcer: And Adam Friedberg, a 13-year old boy.

Adam Friedberg: [ lisping ] I make sure there are lots of boobs in the show! [ he grins triumphantly ]

Kit Harrington: He’s a genius. He take one look at a scene and know exactly what’s missing.

[ show Adam holding up a page with a stick-figure drawing qwith big breasts drawn over it ]

Adam Friedberg: I remember there was this one scene where a dude was talking to himself, and I was like, “Why don’t we add two naked ladies, just going to TOWN on each other?” Let’s just say the scene started working! [ he smiles with a wide set of braces ]

George R. R. Martin: Andy is, uh, a visionary

[ cut to Adam overseeing a scene ]

Adam Friedberg: No, no, no, no! I can’t see any BUTTS in it!

George R. R. Martin: He knows that even when I didn’t write sex into a scene, uh-uh-uh-uh… I was definitely thinking about it.

[ cut to Adam watching a nude scene and giving a thumbs-up to the camera ]

Kit Harrington: Adam’s so involved with the show that I’ve even seen him take his work home with him.

[ reveal Adam swiping a pair of panties from Wardrobe ]

Kit Harrington: I’ve never seen anyone so driven. He spends all his time on-set.

[ reveal Adam sitting next to the Director as a sex scene is filmed ]

Director: And… CUT!

Adam Friedberg: Bathroom break!

[ cut to another shoot ]

Adam Friedberg: Bathroom break!

[ cut to another shoot ]

Adam Friedberg: You guys, I’m gonna hit the head!

Kit Harrington: He does take a lot of bathroom breaks. [ he frowns, as it hits him ]

Therese Sullivan: Adam says this is my good side:

[ the camera pulls back to reveal her arms separated above and below her breasts ]

Adam Friedberg: Last week was one of my MOST inspired scenes. I was like, “In that corner, can we get some people doing it doggy-style. And then, a dude peeping at that be all, ‘Looks good to me!’ And then we pan down and see he’s got a naked lady working on his wang! And then, another dude peeping on that, and he’s like, ‘Tell me more!'” And all of that aired on TELEVISION… right after “Rango”! [ he smiles wide ] IT’S HBO!!

Announcer: Coming up, ADam gives us a glimpse of next week’s episode.

[ reveal Adam pushing two fingers up against two fingers and making rocket noises ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:













Bit Players:


May 5th, 2012

Eli Manning

Rihanna

None

Chris Snee

David Baas

David Diehl

Shaun O’Hara

Abby McGrew

Sacha Baron Cohen

Martin Scorcese

None

Fox & FriendsSummary: Steve Doocy (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer) and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) criticize President Obama and annoy Rupert Murdoch (Fred Armisen) with their on-air errors.

Recurring Characters: Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Rupert Murdoch.

Transcript

Montage

Eli Manning’s MonologueSummary: To prove how well he’s adjusted to life in New York City while a member of the Giants, Eli Manning gives off-course cultural and dining suggestions to the audience.

Transcript

Amazon KindleSummary: This Mother’s Day, give Mom the gift that keeps on giving — “Fifty Shades of Grey” on Amazon Kindle, the perfect erotic literature to meet all of her masturbatory needs.

Transcript

Motion CaptureSummary: Eli Manning fumbles big-time while recording his green-screen victory dance for EA Sports’ “Madden NFL ’13”.

Text Message EvidenceSummary: Chad Kevin Jeremy (Eli Manning) attempts to prove his innocence during a murder trial by allowing his attorney (Jason Sudeikis) to read his flirtatious text messages dispensed at the time of the murder.

Transcript

Little BrothersSummary: Eli Manning acts as a volunteer liasion for boys who are routinely picked on by their mean older brothers.

Transcript

WXPD News New YorkSummary: Doddering field reporter Herb Welch (Bill Hader) is on the scene at an Occupy Wall Street protest.

Recurring Characters: Jack Rizzoli, Wanda Ramirez, Herb Welch.

Rihanna performs “Birthday Cake/Talk That Talk”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Overzealous tanning mom Patricia Krentcil (Kristen Wiig) has to repeatedly moisten her dry throat while defending her recent behavior. Admiral General Aladeen (Sacha Baron Cohen) plugs “The Dictator” and reveals that he has taken Martin Scorcese hostage.

What Is This?Summary: Game show hostess Kimberly Clemens (Abby Elliott) takes advantage of her show’s format to question her boyfriend Ryan Mack (Eli Manning) about the status of their fledgling relationship.

Transcript

Helga LatelySummary: The Swedish version of Chelsea Handler (Kate McKinnon) flirts with her guests and runs a promo for “Catch Up Mit Du Khlardashians”.

Recurring Characters: Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, Khloé Kardashian.

Rihanna performs “Where Have You Been?”

Miss Drag World 2012Summary: Upset about coming in third place, Miss Chicken Fried Steak (Eli Manning) disrupts the rest of the pageant and steals the trophy.

Turner Classic Movies: The EssentialsSummary: Robert Osborne (Jason Sudeikis) discusses the brief screen career of Richard Armstrong (Eli Manning), the square third wheel who appeared in the early Cheech (Fred Armisen) & Chong (Bill Hader) movies.

Recurring Characters: Robert Osborne.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) urges voters to celebrate the one-year anniversay of Killing Osama bin Laden Day, and outlines the appropriate gifts each year the holiday is celebrated.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 11

11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson

A Message from Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum…..Andy Samberg

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: A message from Rick Santorum.

[ dissolve to Rick Santorum ]

Rick Santorum: Hello. I’m Rick Santorum, Republican candidate for President of the United States. A few nights ago, the people of Iowa sent the rest of country a message, when they came within a few votes of making me the winner of their first-in-the-nation presidential caucus. In fact, had it not been for my opponent’s enormous financial advantage — and the usual Mormon trickery — we would surely have won outright.

Over the last two years, as the only candidate to visit ALL of the state’s 99 counties, I’ve gotten to know the people of Iowa well. And the experiences we’ve shared have been unforgettable. In Polk County, I met with a group of fifty newly sworn-in citizens. In Cass County, I spoke at an event with only one person in the audience. In Humboldt County, I accidentally wandered into a cornfield seven feet high, became lost for more than eighteen hours, sobbing uncontrollably and crying for help. I screamed until my voice gave out, and was finally able to light a fire to signal the police helicopter search crews as they passed overhead. At the Tama County Fair, I sampled a local dessert speciality: a 3-pound stick of butter coated with Crisco, then deep-fried, dipped into a mixture of olive oil and Ranch dressing and covered with butterscotch frosting. Only later did I learn that this was not an Iowa delicacy, and that I had been the victim of a prank by a local branch of the College Democrats. Still, even as I lay on a cot in a first aid tent, vomiting convulsively, I had to say to myself: “I wouldn’t trade this for the world.”

And now the campaign moves on — New Hampshire, South Carolina, and the rest of the nation. And what is this campaign about? Two things really: 1. Making the family once again the center of our nation’s public policy; and 2. Starting a war with Iran… as a favor to Israel. Whether Israel asks us to or not. Of course, I don’t have my opponent’s money. But what I lack in fat-cat contributors, I’ll make up in hard work. Just as I did in Iowa, I’m going to skip the slick TV ads and take my case directly to the people. This is a big country, with 50 states and 3,141 counties. But tonight, I make this pledge: Between now and the Republican Convention in August, I intend to campaign in every one of those counties. I know this won’t be easy. Some of those counties are quite dangerous.

Alaska’s Denali County, for example, has the nation’s largest stock of grizzly bears, and only five year-round residents. But I’ll be there, going door-to-door.

Monroe County, Tennesee is an islated backwoods region, with a heavily-armed population and a long tradition of hostility to outsiders. It was the inspiration for the film “Deliverance”. I’ll be there, too.

New Mexico’s Otero County is an active testing site for nuclear missles. Count me in.

And San Francisco County, California is home to literally THOUSANDS of angry pillow biters and donut buffers. Enough said.

Frankly, in this campaign, money is going to be tight. I will often ask voters to open their homes to me. and transportation will be by trailways, bus, borrowed car, or hitchhiking. If there is no budget for food, I may sometimes have to live off the land, shooting or trapping small game in the woods, sifting through dumpsters, and occasionally swiping a mincemeat pie that has been set to cool on some unsuspecting housewife’s kitchen windowsill. And some nights — many nights, perhaps — I may even go to bed hungry.

Will I make mistakes? Sure. I may, from time to time, run afoul of local loitering statutes. And it’s probably inevitable that, at some point, I will cross the U.S. border by mistake, spemding precious days pointlessly campaigning in southern Quebec or Mexico. In fact, it’s possible I won’t even live to see the end of this campaign. If the lesbians don’t get me, the Mormon death squads probably will.

But in the end, what happens to me isn’t important. This is about the country. A country that has given so much to me, and to which I want to give something in return. So that maybe one day, long after I’m gone, my grandchildren can look me up on Google and find there something… you know — different from what’s there now.

Thank you, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 11

11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson

White People Problems

…..Charles Barkley
Dylan…..Fred Armisen
Casey…..Vanessa Bayer
Rashad Evory…..Kenan Thompson
Ashley…..Abby Elliott
Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington…..Jay Pharoah
Kayla Vandercronk…..Kristen Wiig
Trevor Vandercronk…..Taran Killam

[ open on channel logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching Investigation Discovery.

[ dissolve to Dramatic Re-enactment of couple arguing with clerk at airport counter ]

Charles Barkley V/O: Dylan and Casey were flying to a weekend getaway in Key West. When they got to the airport, they discovered their seats were not together.

[ dissolve to Charles Barkley ]

Charles Barkley: Unfortunate situations like this one happen to millions of people every day, and we’ll explore them on “White People Problems” ]

[ dissolve to opening graphics ]

[ dissolve back to Charles Barkley ]

Charles Barkley: Let’s start with Dylan and Casey. Even though they bought their tickets separately, they assumed the airline would know “they ALWAYS sit together.”

[ on the re-enactment footage, the clerk gives the couple a dirty look ]

[ return to Barkley, now standing next to clerk Rashad Evory ]

Charles Barkley: I’m joined by Rashad Evory, who is the Delta clerk on the scene. Rashad, were Dylan and Casey married, or is he just hittin’ that.

Rashad Evory: Neither, man. They was just friends!

Charles Barkley: He’s friends with a woman he’s not having sex with?

Rashad Evory: [ chuckling ] Hey… some white guys do that — I don’t know, man! So she started screaming about how she gets nervous flying, and needs him to sit next to her.

Charles Barkley: They should just DRIVE!

Rashad Evory: That’s what I said! But he was, like, [ exaggerated ] “You expect me to drive all the way to Key West?!” You know how white dudes talk! [ they both laugh ] And I’m like, “Why not?!”

Charles Barkley: You know, I had to drive to a family reunion in Puerto Rico one time.

Rashad Evory: My cousin drive to Australia in a Cadillac Fleetwood!

Charles Barkley: That’s right! Now, walk me through happened next.

Rashad Evory: Oh, I don’t know — I went on break!

Charles Barkley: There you go!

[ they smack hands, as title graphics swoosh across the screen and lead to Barkley alone once again ]

Charles Barkley: [ catching his breath ] Next up on “White People Problems”, Ashley was just some ordinary mom taking her kids to Arby’s. But when she started to ask questions, she found herself staring down the barrel of a Caucasian crisis.

[ dissolve to re-enactment footage of Ashley at an Arby’s counter ]

Ashley: Now… does this chicken come from green organic farms?

[ the Black cashier stares at the camera ]

[ return to Barkley, now standing with the cashier ]

Charles Barkley: Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington was on the scene. Now, “Dice” — what was going on with this lady?

Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: [ shrugging ] She wanted to know about the chicken.

Charles Barkley: Like was it delicious?

Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: No. She was like, “Is the chicken free-range?” Like, “Was it cooped up with other chickens, or did it have the freedom to come and go as it pleased?”

Charles Barkley: Are you serious?! She was worrying about that?! Has this woman ever heard of slavery?!

Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: I don’t think so.

Charles Barkley: Well, then, what did she say?

Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: She said, uhhh… uhhhh…

Charles Barkley: Oh, you weren’t listening?

Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: I wasn’t listening.

Charles Barkley: I know. Hey, that’s what they call — they call that White Noise.

Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: Oh, right, right!

[ they smack hands and laugh, as title graphics swoosh across the screen and lead to Barkley alone once again, with “BREAKING CRISIS” graphics ]

Charles Barkley: Hey — we just received word from the crisis center that there’s a white emergency in progress. Let’s talk live with Trevor and Cayla Vandercronk.

[ reveal Trevor and Cayla live via satellite ]

Cayla Vandercronk: Hello? Is someone there?

Charles Barkley: Yes! Thank you for joining us with some very important problems. What’s the situation?

Trevor Vandercronk: Well… this whole thing is a bit awkward.

Charles Barkley: For those of you at home, “awkward” is a white people word that can be applied to every situation.” Trevor, what’s happening?

Trevor Vandercronk: Well, we told our friends they could stay at our summer house this weekend, but… now our plans have changed and… we want to stay there.

Cayla Vandercronk: [ smiling ] It’s the worst!

Charles Barkley: Yes, that is the worst. Why don’t you just stay there with them — you stay in your room, and they sleep in the bath tub?

Cayla Vandercronk: Well, it’s not a problem of room — we have five spare bedrooms.

Charles Barkley: [ outraged ] Why do you have FIVE spare bedrooms?! Do you have FIVE grandmas?!

Trevor Vandercronk: No. Look — the whole thing is really delicate, because this is a couple we used to do the holidays with, and we don’t any more, and there’s hurt feelings all around… so…

Charles Barkley: Man, that problem is so WHITE it should go SNOWBOARDING!

Cayla Vandercronk: Can you help us?

Charles Barkley: No, I’m on break!

[ Barkley leaves ]

Trevor Vandercronk: [ confused ] Hello?

Cayla Vandercronk: He was just talking to us…

Trevor Vandercronk: Is it…? Did we…?

[ cut to Barkley approaching Michael and Rashad with a black girl backstage ]

Charles Barkley: What up, darling?

[ cut to title graphics ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


January 14th, 2012

Daniel Radcliffe

Lana Del Rey

None

None

None

Romney: Believe in AmericaSummary: Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) brings his campaign to the people of South Carolina, and tries to relate in a normal manner to some of them while dining at Jim Bob’s Kitchen.

Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney.

Transcript

Montage

Daniel Radcliffe’s MonologueSummary: Daniel Radcliffe admits to the audience that he’d rather not do the expected “Harry Potter” sketch, considering the many parodies “SNL” has already done over the years.

Transcript

Ricky Gervais PromosSummary: After his controversial hosting of last year’s Golden Globes, Ricky Gervais (Jason Sudeikis) is back to host again, and will also be pushing the envelope as host of Nick’s Kids Choice Awards, the BET Awards, and many others.

Recurring Characters: Ricky Gervais.

Target LadySummary: Despite being harassed by the manager (Bill Hader), stock boy (Daniel Radcliffe) tries to buff himself up so the Target Lady (Kristen Wiig) will take notice of his romantic intentions.

Recurring Characters: Target Lady.

You Can Do Anything!Summary: No-talent hacks who have posted their videos online are invited to perform their half-assed schtick on television.

Transcript

Spin The BottleSummary: Dave’s (Daniel Radcliffe) trepidations about playing Spin The Bottle are confirmed when his spins keep landing on a series of homeless hoboes (Bobby Moynihan, Fred Armisen, Kenan Thompson, Bill Hader, Jay Pharoah).

Delaware FellasSummary: The new musical may be a lame, low-cost rip-off of “Jersey Boys”, but it has the full approval of Vice-President Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis).

Recurring Characters: Joe Biden.

Hogwarts AcademySummary: Ten years after graduating, boy-wizard Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) remains at Hogwart’s as a hanger-on still reliving his past glories.

Recurring Characters: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger.

Transcript

Lana Del Rey performs “Video Games”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Kim Jong Un’s Two Best Friends From Growing Up (Vanessa Bayer, Fred Armisen) gush about him while quietly distancing themselves from his behavioral quirks. Casey Anthony’s newly-adopted Yorkshire Terrior (Daniel Radcliffe) comments on his misfortune to now be living with the murderous mom.

X27B TheaterSummary: In 2112, a theater group performs a play about how life was lived one hundred years earlier, aptly demonstrating how comically life has changed during that time.

Glenda Okones for MayorSummary: Frowny-faced Glen Falls mayoral candidate Glenda Okones (Kristen Wiig) runs an attack ad on herself.

Transcript

Glenda Okones for Mayor IISummary: Frowny-faced Glen Falls mayoral candidate Glenda Okones (Kristen Wiig) lists further flaws in a personalized attack ad on herself.

Transcript

The Jay Pharoah ShowSummary: Jay Pharoah interviews Daniel Radcliffe, despite being ignorant about the “Harry Potter” films and only able to perform his usual celebrity impressions.

Transcript

Glenda Okones for Mayor IIISummary: Frowny-faced Glen Falls mayoral candidate Glenda Okones (Kristen Wiig) lists yet another character flaw during a flagrant attack ad on herself.

Transcript

Lana Del Rey performs “Blue Jeans”

Exit PollingSummary: In New Hampshire, an overeager pollster (Kristen Wiig) propositions primary voter (Daniel Radcliffe) after he casts his ballot.

Transcript

Headz UpSummary: The text-based app that clues people to their surroundings and keeps them out of danger while their eyes are glued to their tech devices.

Note: This ad parody has been cut from several dress rehearsals throughout the season.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Maternity WardSummary: Jay-Z (Jay Pharoah) visits the maternity ward after Beyonce gives birth to their child.

Verizon

CruiseSummary: While on their anniversary cruise, a married couple (Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig) focus only on one another, despite attempts by their kids (Danielle Radcliffe, Vanessa Bayer) to alert them about Grandma’s (Nasim Pedrad) failing health.

SNL Transcripts