Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 39: Episode 21 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
May 17th, 2014 Andy Samberg St. Vincent None Maya Rudolph Seth Meyers Bill Hader Martin Short Paul Rudd Fred Armisen Kristen Wiig Pharrell Williams 2 Chainz None A Message from Solange & Jay-ZSummary: Jay-Z (Jay Pharoah) and Beyonce’s (Maya Rudolph) sister Solange (Sasheer Zamata) insist that there’s no bad will toward one another. Recurring Characters: Jay-Z, Beyonce.
Montage
Andy Samberg’s MonologueSummary: Andy Samberg performs a series of quick impressions so he can surpass Bill Hader’s record. Transcript
Camp Wicawabe, 1990Summary: Two loud little terds Cambria (Aidy Bryant) and Piper (Kate McKinnon) host a talk show in their bunk for fellow campers. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: DJ Davvincii (Andy Samberg) keeps his frantic crowd waiting to find out “When Will the Bass Drop?”
Confident HunchbackSummary: A hip Quasimodo (Andy Samberg) hits on all the ladies at the tavern below the bell tower. Transcript
Weekend Update with Cecily Strong & Colin JostSummary: Comedian Bruce Chandling (Kyle Mooney) jokes about Memorial Day. Paul Rudd gets “In the Cage” with Nicolas Cage (Andy Samberg). Recurring Characters: Bruce Chandling, Nicolas Cage.
The VogelchecksSummary: Members of the Vogelcheck Family (Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, etc.) continue to kiss one another. Recurring Characters: The Vogelchecks. Transcript
Waking Up with KimyeSummary: Kanye West (Jay Pharoah) and Kim Kardashian (Nasim Pedrad) make final wedding preparations. Recurring Characters: Kanye West, Kim Kardashian. Transcript
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg and Pharrell Williams rap about only giving girls “Hugs”. Transcript
Legolas from ‘The Hobbit’ Tries to Order at Taco BellSummary: Legolas (Andy Samberg) vexes counter jockey (Jay Pharoah) while ordering from Taco Bell. Transcript
Blizzard ManSummary: Blizzard Man (Andy Samberg) records a track with 2 Chainz. Recurring Characters: Blizzard Man. Transcript
BvlgariSummary: Vacuous ex-porn stars Brookie (Vanessa Bayer) and her friend (Cecily Strong) submit a commercial for free Bvlgari watches, with the help of former conjoined twin actors Tweedle-Dee (Andy Samberg) and Tweedle-Dong (Kristen Wiig). Recurring Characters: Brookie, Friend. Transcript
Agent #1: It’s such an honor to be in the studio with the one and only 2 Chainz.
2 Chainz: The honor’s all mine!
Agent #2: Chainz, the tracks are bangin’ but we still need a hook for that second single.
2 Chainz: I feel you — but not to worry, I got just the man for the job.
Agent #2: Who, Pitbull?
Agent #1: Cool-o.
2 Chainz: Nah, nah better. The Blizzard Man!
Technician: The Blizzard Man? I heard he dropped out the game, disappeared down the rabbit home of his own genius like a hip hop Bobby Fischer.
[ door buzzes ]
2 Chainz: That’s him, right there. [ Blizzard Man enters] My man! What up, player? You ready to do this thing?
Blizard Man: Yeah.
2 Chainz: Get in the booth, fool.
Technician: So, that’s the Blizzardman?
2 Chainz: I know what you’re thinkin’. But the man has the same exact swag as ASAP Rocky, and the street cred of Katherine Heigl.
Agent #2: Oh, so he’s a soldier?
2 Chainz: Exactly. Yo! Blizzard! You ready to do this thing man? Just let the music move through you, baby.
Blizard Man: Trill.
[ rapping ] “Yo I’m ’bout to set it. It’s your boy, Blizznasty, on worst behavior Check my style out Rap song, rap song I boogie on the floor and yell huzzah The ladies look finer then a country ham so I make them put there moves on my butt. Yo! The devil is a lie!”
2 Chainz: Put up the bat! Home run! It’s over! Give me my money, give me my money!
Technician: What?! That was terrible!
Agent #1: Yeah, not good.
Agent #2: Did not like that no.
2 Chainz: Man, y’all crazy!
Technician: Alright, Blizzard Man, take two.
Blizard Man: [ rapping ] “Yo! The block is hot. Two and A Half Men made better by the Kutch. Check my style out. I wear a shirt in bed ’cause I’ve got Eggo Waffle nips. My main tattoo is a leaf of dope and I’ll only fornicate with ratchet dames. Yo! Rhythm is a dancer!”
Technician: No!
2 Chainz: I can’t believe he brought that swag back, swag, swag.
Agent #1: Yeah, 2 Chainz, I’m just not sure what you see in this guy.
2 Chainz: Are you kidding me? The guy look like a white Taye Diggs. Just check him out.
Agent #1: Okay, yeah, I’m not sure but I’m open to it. I’d like to hear him try again.
Technician: Suit yourself. Blizzard Man, take three!
Blizard Man: [ rapping ]Yo! ‘Bout to hit you with a trap 00 1990 schnurf!”
Technician: ’90 schnurf?
Blizard Man: [ rapping ] “La Bamba is my favorite The movie, not the song. Mr. Esai Morales. Check my style out. I am a super freak. I’m known to Bob Sallies in the womens latrine. I put it on ’em like a Stallion horse and my wang is bigger than a Country ham. It’s my birthday and I’ve got one wish, it’s for a prostitute with grande trunk. I take her for a brunch at a brasserie head back to the can and then pay the bowl. Boop boop boobalie boop boop ba do boo ba da…”
Agent #1: Well, 2 Chainz, looks like Blizzardman did it.
Friend: All the cosmopolitans of a Cosmo time piece.
Brookie: You’ll be the one watching your dreams come true.
Together: With Buvalgagi.
Brookie: Hi, we’re not porn stars anymore I’m Brookie.
Friend: Okay.
Brookie: And we’re not porn stars any more, but that doesn’t mean we don’t love the elegnant of Italian-ass-man-ship.
Friend: Now that’s a spicy watch with Buvalgagi.
[ Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dong enter ]
Tweedle Dee: Did someone say timeflies?
Brookie: Not yet, not yet.
Friend: Okay.
[ they exit ]
Brookie: Other watches are just rubber bands with arms. Adios muchachooch!
Friend: And good ribbons!
Brookie: Buvalgagi are like roll axes but they’re for fordable.
Friend: Avaibable in gold, silver or bronze.
Brookie: With a watch, you’ll never have to stop a stranger on the street to ask him, “Are you my dad?”
Friend: And Bvlgari are perfect for occasions like:
Brookie: Watches.
Friend: Puttin’ on the rats.
Brookie: Housefire.
Friend: Jumping out of a cake naked but you got trapped.
Brookie: And being a character witness for Donald Sterling.
Friend: I guarantee it! You’ll feel like you’re an Egyptian queen, like Cleomydia.
Brookie: And it’s waterproof up to 12 and a half inches, plus it comes complete with the, –what’s the thing that counts time but in reverse?
Friend: Cowgirl.
Brookie: Ah, no, a stop watch.
Friend: Alright, a stop watch.
[ Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dong enter ]
Tweedle Dee: Did someone say time flies?
Brookie: No, not yet.
Tweedle Dee: Okay.
[ they exit ]
Together: With Bvlgari watches.
Friend: One time I got a watch for Christmas, Santa came down my chimney and saw those three other guys with Buvalgagis.
Brookie: One time I got banged in a garden at the height of allergy season. Good thing I take Claritin as birth control. Thanks, watches.
Friend: I got banged at a wedding and accidentally crashed into the cake. Then I won $3,000 on America’s Funniest Home Videos. Thanks for watching America.
Brookie: Hey, remember roller skates?
[ Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dong enter ]
Tweedle Dee: Did someone say time flies?
[ they wander off ]
Brookie: Yeah, yeah…
Friend: Hey, where’d they go?
Brookie: Wait, you two go now. Go, go now.
[ they return ]
Tweedle Dee: ello, we’re former porn stars and formerly conjoined twins. I’m Tweedle-Dee.
Tweedle Dong: And I’m Tweedle-Dong.
Tweedle Dee: I’m the handsome one.
Tweedle Dong: And I’m the one that looks like the Lorax.
Tweedle Dee: We used to be conjoined at the chest and the penis.
Tweedle Dong: Then, during the filming of… Then, during the filming of “One Guy, Two Butts”, we were separated in the middle of a gang bang.
Tweedle Dee: I got the penis!
Tweedle Dong: I did not get the penis.
Tweedle Dee: But after that, we had to own TWO watches! That’s why we reach for…
Together: BMG RoyWatches!
Tweedle Dee: The watches that helps you remember the rainbow backwards. And they’re perfect whether you’re riding…
Tweedle Dong: Or you did not get the penis.
Brookie: No, no, no. Stay on track, we’re trying to do the ad and get free swatches from Buvalgagis.
Tweedle Dee: Oh, right, right, right, the scam. So get a Buvalgag ba ba… watch today.
Tweedle Dong: Coz everyone will respect you when you walk in the room wearing…
Singing: “Swim in the water and jump in the tree, that’s what you do at Camp Wicawabe.”
Cambria: Hey guys, thanks for skipping tonight’s campfire and instead coming to our weekly round up. I’m Cambria and this is Piper.
Piper: Or as I hear dour counselors call us, Two Loud Little Turds.
Cambria: Yeah, we’re in the Cherokee bunk this summer because we are ten and so far it’s been great.
Piper: The only thing that sucks is we keep getting in trouble for no reason.
Cambria: Yeah, I got yelled at just for stealing a knife and carving “ass butt” into a tree.
Piper: And every time you get reprimanded you have to go to bed 15 minutes earlier. Yesterday, our bedtime was 2:15.
Cambria: Yeah, it was full bright out. It sucked. Um, well now it’s time for our first segment. Arts and crafts.
Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] Arts and “cwafts”.
Cambria: That’s Joseph and he’s only six and here really he… he still wears a diaper.
Piper: The week on arts and crafts we put googly eyes on pine cones
Cambria: Yeah, I mean, I gotta say when the activity was first described to me I was not into it and then I got that first eyeball on there and I was laughing and having a blast.
Piper: Okay guys, we’re having a very special lunch tomorrow. Here to tell you what it is is the head of the cafeteria, Luann Buckman. Take it away, Luann.
Luann: Hamburgers!
Piper: Thank you, Luann.
Cambria: Luann, she has a car here and we don’t know where she goes at night.
Piper: But last year she kissed a camper so this year she’s not allowed to sleep at the camp.
Cambria: Okay, now it’s time for this week’s guest. He’s my older cousin…
Piper: And he’s fourteen and he is the coolest prankster in all of camp.
Jeremy: Sorry if I look cooler than normal, I just tried my first cigarette. Didn’t affect me at all and I ate the whole thing.
Piper: Wow.
Cambria: Okay, so Jeremy, tell us about some of the wild pranks that you’ve done recently.
Jeremy: Okay, well, you know that big tree?
Cambria: Yes.
Jeremy: Yesterday I put my butt on it.
Piper: Oh, so gross.
Jeremy: Yeah, and last night I snuck out of my bunk and put my thing through the tennis court net.
Cambria: What thing?
Jeremy: Then today I put a pube on the tether ball. It was a pretty big deal because it was my only one.
Cambria: Wow. I gotta say, you’re working with a lot of stuff I’ve never even heard of.
Piper: Okay, now’s the part of the show called No Moms No Dads.
Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] No Moms, No Dads.
Cambria: This is where we brag about things that we’ve done because there’s no moms and no dads here. I haven’t eaten a single piece of fruit and no one’s keeping track so I’m not gonna do it.
Piper: I swallowed a bee. It flew into my Snapple and died and I drank it ’cause I’m bad to the bone.
Jeremy: Last week we found a condom in our bunk and all ten of us tried it on. Yeah. It didn’t fit anybody but it was fun.
Piper: Oh wow. I’m trying to enjoy these stories but I don’t have context for any of them.
Cambria: Yeah, okay now, let’s take a moment to remember the campers who’ve had to go home early this year.
Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] Campers Who Had to Leave Early.
Cambria: Tiffany Waller Wostien. She can’t poop anywhere but her own house so her parents had to pick her up because she was full.
Piper: Bobby Vance. He killed a frog and the counselors found out it was on purpose because he really ripped it up and scattered it all around the camp. He left in a police van.
Jeremy: Brittany July. She got her period on a horse a freaked out.
Cambria: Well, okay, that’s all the time we have ’cause I gotta go to the waterfront and show Piper how to lift a big rock.
Andy Samberg: Thanks to St. Vincent, Fred Armisen, Bill Hader, Seth Meyers, Paul Rudd, Maya Rudolph, Martin Short, Kristen Wiig, 2 Chainz…. the cast, the crew, the writers, Lorne for giving me a career, my wife, my family, I love you all ,thank you so much, this has been incredible!
Announcer: [ over scroll ] Paris, 1482. The great Cathedral of Notre Dame stands high over the city. Its caretaker: a lowly hunchback, hidden away in its belltower. Many feared him, but few realized that the size of his horrific deformity was nothing… compared to his swagger.” ]
[ cut to title card ]
Theme Song: “Confident Hunchback, on the streets! Confident Hunchback, I like to meet! Confident Hunchback!”
[ dissolve to tavern ]
Bartender: Ugh! Don’t look now — Here comes that wretch from the cathedral.
Girl: Oh, how he turns my stomach.
[ Quasimodo drops down from a rope, as the room gasps ]
Quasimodo: Comin’ in hot! [ he ambles up to the counter ] Cool Guy Alert! Is it me, or am I GREAT? Hey, compadre, start me with a red wine — NEAT!
[ the Bartender thrusts a stein at him ]
Quasimodo: [ to the girl ] And what’s your name, Gorgeous?
Girl: Leave me alone, Monster!
Quasimodo: Oooooh! “M” word, right out the gate! Hunchie like! Now, what say we get out of here?
Girl: My… you are confident.
Quasimodo: Hold that thought. I just spotted an “8”. [ he ambles over to a blonde ] Oh, what is this? Hello, there!
Blonde: Move along, Creature!
Quasimodo: Me-owwww! Claws are out! But I got a “hunch”… I’m gonna be making you breakfast tomorrow! [ he laughs while pointing to his back ]
Blonde: [ impressed ] Ohhhhhhh! You’re bad!
Quasimodo: At breathing — ’cause of my mangled skeleton. Call me! [ he saunters across a room and picks up a hat ] Hey — fedora! [ he tries it on ] Nope! Not even me! [ he approaches a plump gal ] Hey there! Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? Because it killed my Mom when I was born! [ he laughs ]
Guy: [ wielding his sword ] Get your dirty hump away from her!
Quasimodo: No can do! And P.S.: My spine’s not the only thing that’s curved!
Plump Gal: Ohhhh! Well! Oooooohh!
Quasimodo: I know — gross, right? Say, how about you ditch the straightback, and we see if we can’t put some more STINK into these rags?
Guy: You gotta go for it — He’s incredible!
Quasimodo: Snooze, you lose! [ he ambles over to Esmarelda ] Uh-oh! Look at this little dimepiece! [ he strains to sit next to her ] Don’t rob me, Gypsy! Too late, you stole my heart!
Esmarelda: I’m sorry? You don’t remember me? I’m… I’m Esmarelda. I brought you bread and water when you were being pilloried in the town square?
Quasimodo: Oh… yes. [ as violin music plays ] You’re the only person who ever… showed me kindness.
Esmarelda: That’s right, Quasimodo. Because I’m the only one that knows you have a beautiful soul.
Quasimodo: What??
Esmarelda: I said, you have a beautiful soul. [ she caresses his hunch, as he recoils ]
Quasimodo: Gahhhh!! We shouldn’t do this.
Esmarelda: No… I wasn’t…
Quasimodo: ‘Cause I don’t want to mess up our friendship, so…
Esmarelda: Yeah…
[ cut to title card ]
Theme Song: “Confident Hunchback, on the streets! Confident Hunchback!”
[ dissolve to Quasimodo surrounded by all the girls ]
Kanye West…..Jay Pharoah Kim Kardashian…..Nasim Pedrad Bruce Jenner…..Taran Killam Justin Puppet…..Andy Samberg
Kanye West: Welcome to our show Waking Up with Kimye. It’s America’s favorite morning team, we got so much chemistry, we can finish each other’s…
Kim Kardashian: Hi.
Kanye West: Na, na, na, on May 24th Kim and I are getting married, fam. What’s marriage mean to you baby?
Kim Kardashian: That’s the thing you need in order to get a divorce.
Kanye West: In one week Kim will walk down the aisle, take her place at the altar and then watch me ride down the aisle on a meladale elephant.
Kim Kardashian: Elephants are the best.
Kanye West: And what better place for a cultural icon like Kim to get married than Florence Italy.
Kim Kardashian: Cheerio Gov’nor!
Kanye West: No, no, that’s England baby. You know Florence, what do they always say to you in Italy?
Kim Kardashian: Leave!
Kanye West: At this time we normally introduce our in house band comprised of the entire Kardashian family, but the ladies are being fitted for their bridesmaids, Yeezus masks and Rob is eatin’ pie. So please welcome my new sidekick Kardashian family patriarch, Bruce Jenner.
Bruce Jenner: Hi Kim, hi Kanye.
Kanye West: Hey yo! Can you believe we’re getting married?
Bruce Jenner: Oh, I get so emotional just thinking about it. I mean, I would be crying but my tear ducts are stretched behind my ears.
Kanye West: Well, we’re happy you’re here Mister Jenner.
Bruce Jenner: Oh Kanye, Mr. Jenner is my dad, please call me Linda.
Kim Kardashian: Miss you Linda.
Kanye West: Ayt, let’s bring out today’s guest. Since the entire world is hungry for details about our wedding, we decided to reveal some secrets.
Kim Kardashian: Please welcome our wedding planner, Justin Puppet.
Justin Puppet: Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello, hello, hello. Hello! Kim you look gorgeous.
Kim Kardashian: Thanks.
Kanye West: Of course she does, I dressed her.
Kim Kardashian: So Justin, what can you reveal about our upcoming wedding?
Justin Puppet: Well, first off, every guest will arrive to the venue on a golden rickshaw pulled by the beautiful and strapping Khloe Kardashian.
Kim Kardashian: Khloe’s strong.
Justin Puppet: Ah, yeah. I’ve seen that girl deadlift a fully stocked refrigerator so…
Kanye West: Tell them about the vows Justin.
Justin Puppet: Okay, Kim and Kanye prepared their own wedding vows. Kanye will give a beautiful and loud three hour speech about Kim’s ass and Kim will read her favorite verse from Green Eggs and Ham.
Kim Kardashian: It’s the part where it rhymes.
Justin Puppet: And the reception will be naner’s. The dinner tables will be in Florence but the open bar will be in Paris so that will be fun to figure out.
Kanye West: It’s genius!
Justin Puppet: Yeah, yeah. Oh and security will be intense so paparazzi, please RSVP. In a nutshell this wedding is going to be tight.
Bruce Jenner: The tighter the better, I always say.
Justin Puppet: And don’t even get me started on Kim’s dress.
Kanye West: Which brings us to the part of our show where we look at the latest developments in the world of fashion in a segment we call What Kim Designed, Wedding Edition. Now, Kim and I decided, decided to design what we’ll be wearing at the wedding. I went with the classic understated look. It is a full leather tuxedo inspired by two geniuses, Givenchy Gavjivanchi and Batman. It’s what I believe Jesus would’ve worn if he had access to a kilometer of leather. Now, I had to work with a team of designers to create that. But Kim designed her wedding dress all by herself.
Kim Kardashian: I drew this, you guys. That’s my dress, balloon and the sun is wearing sunglasses because it’s bright.
Kanye West: You’re all looking at the next Vera Wang.
Kim Kardashian: Aha, Wang.
Justin Puppet: Yeah. The whole event is gonna be expensive and scary and fun and unnecessary and fun.
Kanye West: Ayt fam we’re gonna take a quick break. When we come back, Kim talks about climate change.
Kim Kardashian: Do you ever notice it gets warmer in the summer?
…..Andy Samberg …..Seth Meyers …..Bill Hader …..Martin Short
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Andy Samberg!
Andy Samberg: Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you so much! It’s — yes! Thank you! Thank you! It’s SUPER great to be here hosting the season finale of “SNL”! Unbelievable! Uh, before we begin, I should mention Justin Timberlake could NOT be here tonight. He’s touring in Russia. I just want to get that out of the way. But I do understand that he sent a picture to wish me luck.
[ image: Justin Timberlake in Russia, pixellated middle finger with “You’re Gonna Blow It!” sign ]
Andy Samberg: He’s a good friend. Anyways — I myself have had a crazy year. I got married. [ audience cheers ] Yep! And I’m working on a new show — “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” — for which I’ve won TWO Golden Globes. [ the audience cheers wildly ] Yes, I’ve won TWO Golden Globes for it, which brings new meaning to the phrase: “…And twiiiins!” Thank you! I put on a suit to tell that joke! And, of course, before that, I was a cast member here on “SNL”, where I appeared in, uh — [ the audience cheers wildly ] Thank you! Where I appeared in upwards of 100 Digital Shorts and SIX live sketches. So this is gonna go great! But one thing I was less known for was doing impressions. Now, that said, I was poking around online… and was shocked to find that I only did twenty-three fewer impressions than my fellow castmate and impression master Bill Hader. So I thought — since he’s not here to defend himself — why not catch him up all in one shot here tonight? So, here to help me break the record — my good friend, Seth Meyers!
[ Seth Meyers appears and hugs Andy ]
Seth Meyers: How you doing? I’m so excited!
Andy Samberg: So excited! Alright, here we go! Let’s put 300 minutes on the clock.
Seth Meyers: Oh, that’s WAY too many minutes.
Andy Samberg: Let’s skip the clock!
Seth Meyers: Okay.
Andy Samberg: And… GO!!
Seth Meyers: Paul Giamatti!
Andy Samberg: “Ahhhhhhh, I don’t know, it seems like a bad idea!!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Jay Baruchel!
Andy Samberg: “Um… you want me to train my dragon?!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: John Travolta!
Andy Samberg: “It’s, like, oh my God!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Alan Arkin!
Andy Samberg: “What is this Argo??”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Ryan Reynolds!
Andy Samberg: “I… don’t understand.”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Jim Carrey!
Andy Samberg: “IIIIIIII… don’t understand!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Alf!
Andy Samberg: “No prob-lem!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: The dad from “Alf”!
Andy Samberg: [ grunting ] “Mmm… Alf! Don’t eat the cat!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Roland Gibb, from Fine Young Cannibals.
Andy Samberg: “Good thing!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Well done. Beetlejuice!
Andy Samberg: “HEY!! Look, help me up…”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Keanu Reeves!
Andy Samberg: “Whoa!”
[ buzz! ]
Seth Meyers: I’m sorry, it doesn’t count. You already did Keanu Reeves when you were in the cast.
Andy Samberg: [ mimicking ] “You already did Keanu Reeves when you were in the cast…” Seth Meyers!
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Good one! Larry David!
Andy Samberg: “Prettyyyyyyy… prettyyyyyyy… okay!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Zooey Deschenel!
Andy Samberg: “Hey, how’s it going?”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Seth Rogen!
Andy Samberg: “Hey, man!” [ he chuckles heartily ]
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Teller, from Penn & Teller!
[ Andy stands silently ]
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Randy “Macho Man” Savage.
Andy Samberg: “Ohhhh, yeahhh!!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: The guy who does the “Entourage” theme song.
Andy Samberg: [ high-pitched ] “Oh, yeahhhhhhhhhh!!!!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Smokey the Bear!
Andy Samberg: [ grabbing hat ] “Only you can prevent forest fires.”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Pharrell!
[ Andy punches the hat into a taller shape and puts it back on his head ]
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Liam Neeson!
Andy Samberg: “A particular set of skills!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Osama bin Laden!
Andy Samberg: [ recoiling ] “No, no, no, no, no!!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Really good! Really good. Chris Mullin!
Andy Samberg: “Ah was on the Dream Team!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Larry Byrd!
Andy Samberg: “AH was on the Dream Team!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Charles Barkley!
Andy Samberg: “Ah was ALSO on the Dream Team!”
[ ding-ding-ding!! ]
Seth Meyers: That’s 24! You DID it, Andy! You did it!
[ suddenly, Bill Hader bursts forward to massive applause ]
Bill Hader: Seth! [ hands index cards over ] Read those names.
Andy Samberg: No!
Seth Meyers: [ reading ] Casey Kasem!
Bill Hader: “Good news! I’ve… been found!”
[ ding! ]
Seth Meyers: Andy Samberg!
Bill Hader: [ with a drawl ] “I play a smart detective! That’s believable! Smorky-borg!”
[ ding-ding-ding!! ]
Seth Meyers: You DID it!! Bill Hader is STILL the Master of Impressions!
[ confetti and balloons fall, and Martin Short hands Bill a bouquet of roses to massive applause ]
Bill Hader: Martin Short?!
Martin Short: Bill! You nailed it, buddy! You killed it!
Andy Samberg: Great! Martin Short, my childhood hero. So that stinks. But! I suppose I brought this on myself. We’ve got a great show! St. Vincent is here, so stick around and we’ll be right back!
St. Vincent: [ singing ] “Get back to your seat Get back, gnashing teeth Ooh, I want all of your mind.
.People turn the TV on, it looks just like a window — yeah. People turn the TV on, it looks just like a window — yeah.
Digital witnesses, what’s the point of even sleeping? If I can’t show it, if you can’t see me What’s the point of doing anything? This is no time for confessing — oh! I want all of your mind.
People turn the TV on, it looks just like a window — yeah. People turn the TV on, it looks just like a window — yeah.
Digital witnesses, what’s the point of even sleeping? If I can’t show it, if you can’t see me Watch me jump right off the London Bridge This is no time for confessing — oh!
People turn the TV on and throw it out the window — yeah.
Get back to your stare I care, but I don’t care Oh, oh! I — I want all of your mind Give me all of your mind I want all of your mind Give me all of it.
Digital witnesses, what’s the point of even sleeping? If I can’t show it, if you can’t see me What’s the point of doing anything? What’s the point of even sleeping? So I stopped sleeping, yeah I stopped sleeping Won’t somebody sell me back to me?”
St. Vincent: [ singing ] “Oh, what an ordinary day Take out the garbage, masturbate I’m still holding for the laugh.
The dogs will bark, so let them bark The birds will cry, I let them cry Here’s my report from the edge.
Like a birth in reverse What I saw through the blinds You can say that I’m sane In phenomenal lies Oh, the cards make you turn Then he poured in line It was a birth in reverse in America.
This, too, will haunt me through the war Laugh all you want, but I want more ‘Cause what I’m swearing I’ve never sworn before.
Like a birth in reverse What I saw through the blinds You can say that I’m sane In phenomenal lies Oh, the cards make you turn Then he poured in line It was a birth in reverse in America.
Like a birth in reverse What I saw through the blinds You can say that I’m sane In phenomenal lies Oh, the cards make you turn Then he poured in line It was a birth in reverse in America.”
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Air Date:
A Message from Solange & Jay-Z
Summary: Jay-Z (Jay Pharoah) and Beyonce’s (Maya Rudolph) sister Solange (Sasheer Zamata) insist that there’s no bad will toward one another.
Summary: Andy Samberg performs a series of quick impressions so he can surpass Bill Hader’s record.
Summary: Two loud little terds Cambria (Aidy Bryant) and Piper (Kate McKinnon) host a talk show in their bunk for fellow campers.
Summary: DJ Davvincii (Andy Samberg) keeps his frantic crowd waiting to find out “When Will the Bass Drop?”
Summary: A hip Quasimodo (Andy Samberg) hits on all the ladies at the tavern below the bell tower.
Lyrics
Summary: Comedian Bruce Chandling (Kyle Mooney) jokes about Memorial Day. Paul Rudd gets “In the Cage” with Nicolas Cage (Andy Samberg).
Summary: Members of the Vogelcheck Family (Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, etc.) continue to kiss one another.
Summary: Kanye West (Jay Pharoah) and Kim Kardashian (Nasim Pedrad) make final wedding preparations.
Summary: Andy Samberg and Pharrell Williams rap about only giving girls “Hugs”.
Summary: Legolas (Andy Samberg) vexes counter jockey (Jay Pharoah) while ordering from Taco Bell.
Summary: Blizzard Man (Andy Samberg) records a track with 2 Chainz.
Lyrics
Summary: Vacuous ex-porn stars Brookie (Vanessa Bayer) and her friend (Cecily Strong) submit a commercial for free Bvlgari watches, with the help of former conjoined twin actors Tweedle-Dee (Andy Samberg) and Tweedle-Dong (Kristen Wiig).
Transcript
