Category: 1976

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 16

76p: Broderick Crawford / Levon Helm & The RCO All-Stars, The Meters

Crazy Frank

Julie Nixon…..Laraine Newman
President Nixon…..Dan Aykroyd
J. Edgar Hoover…..Broderick Crawford
Guard #1…..Bill Murray
Guard #2…..Garrett Morris

[FADE IN on a dimly lit bedroom where a man is asleep in bed. A lone trombone plays in the background. ROLL narration up the screen.]

Don Pardo: In June of 1970, Richard Nixon attempted to establish a secret police force under the now infamous Huston Plan. The plan called for the formation of a “new, dynamic” domestic security group authorized to wiretap, commit burglary, and violate other laws.

[dramatic pause]

Don Pardo: The bedroom of J. Edgar Hoover, June 27, 1970.

[ZOOM IN on the right hand window. Two figures approach from outside and carefully pull the vertical sills open. Nixon is wearing a trenchcoat, with his daughter Julie next to him in a blue sweater. Crickets chirp softly as they peer in.]

Julie Nixon: He sure is gonna be surprised, Daddy.

Richard Nixon: [warbling] Well, this ought to show him. Richard Nixon wouldn’t ask anybody to do anything he wouldn’t do himself.

[He wags his finger inside a loose rubber glove.]

Julie Nixon: You mean you’d lead a night patrol on the Viet Cong?

Richard Nixon: I’m not stupid, princess!

[Julie starts to crawl inside.]

Richard Nixon: Wait, wait, you can’t go in there.

Julie Nixon: Why?

Richard Nixon: Well, Julie, he… he doesn’t understand women. You wait here until I’m finished.

[Nixon crawls through the window and somersaults clumsily inside. In a flash, the lights snap on as sirens and bells wail. J. Edgar Hoover jerks up in his pajamas, reaches for a handgun on his nightstand, and points it at Nixon. Two guards rush into the room with guns drawn.]

Richard Nixon: [standing with hands up] Wait! Don’t shoot!

J. Edgar Hoover: Don’t shoot, don’t shoot, it’s the President!

Guard #1: [doubtfully] Yes, sir.

Guard #2: Yes, sir.

J. Edgar Hoover: [as the aides leave] What’s the meaning of this, Nixon? How’d you get through our security?

Richard Nixon: I told them I was the President. Now, look, J. Edgar… [He steps over and sits next to him on the bed.] I’ve got a new plan for that special intelligence group we’ve been needing at the White House.

J. Edgar Hoover: [puts pistol away] Well, I’ve got another plan. It’s three o’clock in the morning–now, why the hell don’t you go home, take a fistful of Valium, and get some sleep?

[laughter]

Richard Nixon: You think I’d come here if this wasn’t important? We’re public servants, we’re on call 24 hours a day!

J. Edgar Hoover: All right, all right, I’ll think about it! All right, stand up! [takes his arm] Now, turn around, turn around. But don’t peek! I’m gonna put my robe on.

[Hoover gathers his blue robe off the foot of the bed as Nixon steps away.]

Richard Nixon: [peeking] Now, this, this is a real different plan. Not like the Colson plan or the MacGruder plan. This is a scale way down. For instance, get this idea: we don’t randomly spy on people anymore, we just spy on people whom we have a reason to spy on! Great, huh?

[Nixon grins and mugs toward the audience, which laughs as Hoover finishes belting his robe.]

J. Edgar Hoover: What agencies are involved?

Richard Nixon: Well… the CIA taps the phones, and, uh, reads the mail and letters of, like, foreign agents, including Americans who have gone overseas.

J. Edgar Hoover: Oh, like Daniel Ellsburg, Jane Fonda?

Richard Nixon: Yeah. Ted Kennedy, Joe Namath…

J. Edgar Hoover: But what about my boys?

Richard Nixon: Well, the FBI does domestic surveillance. Y’know, left-wingers who might sympathize with a violent Communist revolution.

J. Edgar Hoover: Oh, Abbie Hoffman, Huey Newton, the Black Panthers?

Richard Nixon: Ted Kennedy, Shirley Maclaine…

J. Edgar Hoover: Okay, okay, okay.

Richard Nixon: Now get this: the White House will have a special unit. The only job they have is to plug leaks. Guess what they’re called?

J. Edgar Hoover: The Plumbers.

Richard Nixon: [looks at him askance] Yeah. The Plumbers. How did you know? I guess it leaked out already.

J. Edgar Hoover: Look, if we get caught, who takes the rap for it?

Richard Nixon: Oh, I dunno, some patsy. Mitchell, for example.

J. Edgar Hoover: Oh, no. I’m not goin’ along with it. I’m not goin’ along with any illegal plan unless you give me written consent to break the law.

Richard Nixon: Gee. I sure wish I could do that, but I can’t. That’d be sure grounds for impeachment. I may not be fast on my feet, but I’m not dumb enough to get myself thrown out of office! Huh! It would take a real idiot to do that!

[laughter and applause]

J. Edgar Hoover: All right, Nixon. Nixon, I can’t go along with ye.

Richard Nixon: Well, I didn’t want to do this, J. Edgar, but I’m afraid you’ve forced my hand. The White House has proof that you’re a virgin! [faces him dramatically]

J. Edgar Hoover: You’re bluffing, Nixon.

Richard Nixon: I am?

J. Edgar Hoover: There is no definitive test for determining a man’s virginity.

Richard Nixon: What the hell was Liddy talking about, then? [scratches his head]

J. Edgar Hoover: Oh, you’re really an idiot, Nixon.

[laughter]

J. Edgar Hoover: Blackmailing me is like trying to bribe Howard Hughes! Hey, hey. Do you remember that Chinese broad you brought into Washington?

Richard Nixon: [shocked] Soon-Ling?

J. Edgar Hoover: Yeah.

[Hoover walks over to his nightstand and picks up a cassette recorder.]

J. Edgar Hoover: Listen. [presses button]

Nixon’s Voice: [on tape] Soon-Ling!

Soon-Ling: [in Chinese accent] Meester Pwesident!

Nixon’s Voice: Soon-Ling!

Soon-Ling: Oh, Meester Pwesident!

Nixon’s Voice: Ohhhhh, Soon-Ling…

Soon-Ling: Meester Pwesident…

J. Edgar Hoover: [stops tape] The meeting’s over, Nixon. Get lost, huh?

[He pushes Nixon away as the audience laughs.]

Richard Nixon: [turns back] Can I have that tape?

J. Edgar Hoover: No way, buster.

Richard Nixon: How about a copy?

J. Edgar Hoover: No chance.

[Hoover tosses the cassette recorder across the bed onto the floor. Sudden screams and pounding sounds are heard from the window.]

Richard Nixon: What the heck’s going on here?

[PAN to the window as Hoover’s guards are dragging Julie Nixon into the bedroom.]

Guard #2: Mr. Hoover? We caught her sneaking around in the bushes.

Julie Nixon: Let go of me!! Let go of me!!

Richard Nixon: Julie!

Julie Nixon: Have them killed, Daddy!!

Richard Nixon: I can’t, princess, they’re G-men!

J. Edgar Hoover: All right, boys, you go ahead to the steam room–I’ll meet you there in about a half hour.

[laughter]

Guard #1: Yes, sir!

Guard #2: Yes, sir!

[Audience continues to giggle as the guards exit and Julie pops back out through the window.]

Richard Nixon: [walks toward window] Well, princess, let’s call it a night!

J. Edgar Hoover: Wait a minute, Nixon, Nixon! Come here! Come here! [He points to the floor as Nixon obeys.] Let me look at you. [peers at him] You know somethin’? If you parted your hair on the other side, you’d be a pretty nice-lookin’ fella.

Richard Nixon: You really think so, J. Edgar? [touches his own hair]

J. Edgar Hoover: [nodding] Yeah.

Richard Nixon: Well, I’ll think about it. [walks toward window] I’ll see you next week, Hoover!

[Nixon beats it as the audience breaks into applause and the trombone plays again. Without taking off his robe, Hoover crawls back into bed, reaches down behind it, and pulls up a teddy bear. He cuddles it and settles back into the pillows. CUT to a wider shot of 8H and ZOOM OUT from the stage over the audience. SUPERIMPOSE, “COMING UP NEXT… HOW TO SWALLOW LYING DOWN.” FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 16

76p: Broderick Crawford / Levon Helm & The RCO All-Stars, The Meters

Lucy’s New Job

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Lucy…..Gilda Radner
Mr. Witherbottom…..Dan Aykroyd

[ Mr. Witherbottom enters the conveyor room of the nuclear power plant, with Lucy Ricardo right behind him ]

Mr. Witherbottom: Well, Mrs. Ricardo, this is your first day on the job. Don’t make any mistakes.

Lucy: Yes, Mr. Witherbottom.

Mr. Witherbottom: This is a conveyor belt.

Lucy: Yes, Mr. Witherbottom.

Mr. Witherbottom: I’m now going to pull the lever that starts the conveyor belt. [ pulls the lever ]

Lucy: Yes, Mr. Witherbottom.

Mr. Witherbottom: Now, this, Mrs. Ricardo, is a nuclear warhead. Your job is to take a can of whipped cream, spray the nuclear warhead like so.. [ demonstrates ] ..put a cherry on the top of the nuclear warhead, and place it on the top of this shelf like so. Do you understand so far?

Lucy: Yes, Mr. Witherbottom.

Mr. Witherbottom: Now, if, for any reason, you want to stop the conveyor belt, simply pull this lever down into the off position. [ pulls lever down ]

Lucy: Yes, Mr. Witherbottom.

Mr. Witherbottom: And one more thing: these nuclear warheads are amred and very dangerous. So don’t let any of them hit the floor. Is that clear?

Lucy: Yes, Mr. Witherbottom.

Mr. Witherbottom: Alright, then, get to work, I’ll check back in a few hours to see how you are doing. [ exits ]

Lucy: Yes, Mr. Witherbottom. Thank you, Mr. Witherbottom. Goodbye Mr. Wither..bottom.

[ Lucy pulls the lever up, then sprays whipped cream and puts cherries on her first nuclear warhead. The operation goes smoothly at first, but soon the nuclear warheads are coming out faster and more numerous. Lucy attempts to spray multiple warheads at once, but they keep coming down the conveyor belt faster than she can prepare them for the shelf, so she proceeds to push some back as she collects an armful of the others. As the operation becomes more and more intense, Mr. Witherbottom re-enters unseen. ]

Mr. Witherbottom: Well, Mrs. Ricardo?

[ caught by surprise, Lucy screams and throws an armful of nuclear warheads into the air ]

[ cut to stock footage of A-bomb exploding in the sky ]

[ cut back to Lucy and Mr. Witherbottom standing in the smoking conveyor room, their hair and clothing frazzled from the explosion ]

Lucy: What do we do now, Mr. Witherbottom?

Mr. Witherbottom: Now we get some canned goods and we go live in the basement for 10 or 15 years.

Lucy: Waaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!! [ a beat ] Mr. Witherbottom? Does that mean I’m fired?

Mr. Witherbottom: No, Mrs. Ricardo. Anybody can make a mistake.

[ long shot, in color, pull out to reveal SUPER: “Coming up Next… Win A Date With Charles Manson” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 16

76p: Broderick Crawford / Levon Helm & The RCO All-Stars, The Meters

Gidget’s Disease

Mel…..Dan Aykroyd
Mrs. Mel…..Laraine Newman

[ open on two men dressed in leather jackets, posing in front of chromascreen of cows ]

Mel: Why do these people look so good? Because they’re wearing the finest quality leather coats and accessories. Look at this beautiful leather coat, a smooth, thick grain of cowhide for only twenty dollars.. twenty dollars! hy such quality for such a low price? Why? Because these people buy their suede and leather at Mel’s Hide Heaven, where you select your own cow, then you rope it, you stun it, you skin it! You select your own cow from over 900 head in Mel’s forty-acre, fully air-conditioned indoor cattle range. Then you rope. You stun. You skin. We tan and tailor. All our equipment is light and easy to operate. Here’s Mrs. Mel to show you how to work the saws.

[ Mrs. Mel enters wearing a tight-fitting leather skirt and top, gunning an electric chain saw ]

[ SUPER: “Mel’s Hide Heaven – Over 3,000 Stunned” ]

Mel: She’s got her leather – you get yours at Me’s Hide Heaven, where you stun your own coat! We also feature an indoor horse corral and mink farm where you rope, you stun, you skin horse and mink to your own specifications for the look you want in clothing at prices you can afford. Come next door to Mel’s famous Char Palace for a free steak dinner while you wait. Yes, cow hides never looked so good on human beings. That’s Mel’s, Mel’s Hide Heaven, Route 15, Paramus, off Exit 21. Cats also available on request.

[ zoom in on woman in audience, with SUPER: “Ruthless When Wet” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 16

76p: Broderick Crawford / Levon Helm & The RCO All-Stars, The Meters

Broderick Crawford’s Monologue

… Broderick Crawford

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, BroderickCrawford!

[The elderly, overweight, balding, avuncular, andbeloved character actor walks to a comfortable chairat Home Base and sits.]

Broderick Crawford: Well, thank you, thank youvery much. As a very old and dear and rather rotundfriend like myself used to say, “How sweet it is!” …You know, it’s been a long time since I been back inthis studio. Thirty-seven years, to be exact. That wasback in the days of radio. Some great radio shows cameout of here. And when television came in, greattelevision, great music.

I worked for NBC thirty-seven years ago. I was workingon a play over on Broadway, the Music Box Theater,Forty-Fifth Street. And, in those days, you didn’t getvery much bread – you kind o’ had to work for theminimum. And so we supplemented our income by doin’ alot o’ radio. And I had small part in a radio serieshere. And, one day, after the matinee, I came out ofthe Music Box Theater and I had to be here at NBC butI couldn’t find a taxi. So I started to run. So I hadmy script in my hand and I ran like mad. I flewthrough Security down– They didn’t know what I was. Ijust went right by them. Then I came up to the thirdfloor and I went into 3-B. I didn’t notice the lightwas on, saying “On the Air.” I had my script in myhand and I waved it to the producer in the controlroom and pointed to it. He came out and said to me,”Wrong studio. [points] You’re two down the hall.” …

So, out I go again. I saw the light, “On the Air.”Well, I walked in, script in my hand and pointed. Andjust as I was waving to the producer to come out, Iheard somebody reading my lines. So there was nothingI could do but sit down and wait until the show wasover. Well, I waited. The producer came out. I didn’tlike the look on his face but he came out. And Istarted to say, “I’m sorr–” And he said, “You’refired.” Well, that’s a pretty terrible feeling. Butnow I’m very happy that, after forty years, NBC isgiving me another chance. … [applause]

And, please, cross your fingers and hope I don’t blowit this time. … Well, all right, I tell you what I’mgonna do. I’m gonna sit back and enjoy the show. Andwhy don’t you do that, too? All of us, justenjoy.

Submitted Anonymously

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 16

76p: Broderick Crawford / Levon Helm & The RCO All-Stars, The Meters

The New Guy

Written by: Bill Murray & Lorne Michaels

… Bill Murray

[Fade in on recently-hired cast member Bill Murray whosits at a desk, addressing the camera.]

Bill Murray: Hello, I’m Bill Murray. You cancall me “Billy” but, around here, everybody just callsme “The New Guy.” I want to thank the producer, LorneMichaels, for urging me to speak with you directly.You see, I’m a little bit concerned. I don’t think I’mmaking it on the show. … I’m a funny guy but Ihaven’t been so funny on the show. My friends say,”How come they’re givin’ you all those parts thataren’t funny?” Well, it’s not the material. It’s me….

It’s not that I’m not funny, it’s that I’m not beingfunny at the right time. Honest. Uh, before, you know,I could be funny whenever I wanted but now, as aprofessional, I have to learn to pick my spots, youknow? This morning, I picked up my laundry. The guysays to me, “Bill, you know, every time you come inhere, you say something funny. But I saw you on theshow Saturday night and you stunk.” … Well, thathurt, you know? Just totally destroyed my confidence.

Last Friday, I went to a party with Danny. There was apretty girl there I wanted to impress and, uh, I’m aparty animal. I was very funny. Danny saidnothing. He was saving it. She said to me, “You’re sofunny! I wish I had a tape recorder.” Well, I wish shehad, too, you know? Saturday night, after the show,when she went home with Dan, I could’ve played thetape back for her. …

Now, what I’m asking for is your support. I’ve gottensome nice letters from old friends and people I owemoney to. … But, from you people, I hear nothing.I’m not asking for letters but — I know this soundscorny — support. [slight pause] I’m a Catholic. …[applause] I’m one of nine children. [rattles off thenames rapidly] Ed, Brian, Nancy, Peggy, Laura, Andy,John and Joel. I can say that faster but I wanted themall to hear their names. I was raised in Wilmette,Illinois, a small mining town, north of Chicago– Thatreminds me of something funny. … My father died whenI was seventeen. … No, that’s not what was funny…. He was funny. People always said to me,”Aw, you’ll never grow up to be as funny as your dad.”And, now, he’s not around to see me be not as funny ashim. … My sister Nancy is a nun. My mom works tosupport the family. But that’s all beside the point.It’s no concern of yours whether or not theyneed the money I make. …

What I’m talking about is between you and me. If youcould see it in your heart to laugh whenever I saysomething. I don’t care what it is. Or, if youcan’t laugh, think about my family … and the fatherthat I never really got to know. … If I know you’reon my side, I’ll make you laugh so hard, you’ll haveto hold your sides to keep from pulling a muscle – ortearing a cartilage. It’s up to you. Yeah, you. Now, Idon’t want letters. I just want to make it as a NotReady For Prime Time Player. When that’s done, I’ll beable to stand here on a Saturday night, in the middleof Rockefeller Plaza, New York City, New York,one-oh-oh-two-oh … and say, [looking heavenward]”Dad? I did it.” [to the camera, with a smile] He’dlike that.

[Applause. Bill salutes us as we pull back a littleand fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 16

76p: Broderick Crawford / Levon Helm & The RCO All-Stars, The Meters

Highway Patrol

Officer 1…..Dan Aykroyd
Captain Matthews…..Broderick Crawford
Jack Kerouac…..John Belushi
Officer 2…..Garrett Morris
Siamese Twin 1…..Laraine Newman
Siamese Twin 2…..Jane Curtin
Father Tim…..Bill Murray
Father Roy…..John Belushi
Officer 3’s Voice…..Tom Davis

[ open on stock footage of “Highway Patrol” ]

Announcer: Whenever the laws of any state are broken, a duly authorized organization swings into action. They may be called the State Police, State Troopers, Militia, the Rangers, the Pigs, the Heat, the Klingons… or the Highway Patrol. These are the stories of the men whose training, skill, courage and equipment make for excellent TV entertainment.

[ dissolve to police station, as Officer 1 enters ]

Officer 1: Captain Matthews? I pulled a car full of drunks over near Malibu.

Captain Matthews: So where are they?

Officer 1: Well, we locked all of them up, uhhh — but the driver. None of them have any identification.

Captain Matthews: Alright, then bring in the driver!

Officer 1: Okay. [ pokes his head out the door ] Come on in here, willya? [ the punk enters ] Sit down there, punk! Sit down, sit down, sit down!

[ the punk sits before Captain Matthews ]

Captain Matthews: What’s your name, kid?

Jack Kerouac: I have constitutional rights. I’m not obliged to answer that question.

Captain Matthews: Now, look, don’t make trouble for yourself! You want to get straightened out, alright I’ll give you a break — but right now you’re facing three months in the slammer for drunk driving! Now what the hell’s your name?!

Jack Kerouac: Jack Kerouac.

[ music sting ]

Captain Matthews: Tell me — who was in the car with you?

Jack Kerouac: Neil Cassidy, Lawrence Ferlinghetti —

Captain Matthews: Kerouac? Now, wait a minute — Kerouac, Kerouac… Hey, I think I read that book you wrote!

Jack Kerouac: “On The Road”?

Captain Matthews: Yeah, “On The Road”! You know, that book makes you out a very unsafe driver, kid.

Jack Kerouac: It’s not me, man — it’s the American Highway! “Where goest thou, America? Where goest thou in my shiny black car in the night..?”

Captain Matthews: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa — hold it! [ to Officer 1 ] Lock this guy up and let him sleep it off!

[ Officer 1 pulls Kerouac to his feet ]

Captain Matthews: Hey, wait a minute — Kerouac. You know, you write pretty good prose?

Jack Kerouac: [ smiles ] Thanks a lot!

Captain Matthews: [ annoyed ] Oh, take him the hell out of here!

Officer 1: Come on, let’s go…

[ as Aykroyd pulls Belushi out of the scene, he accidentally knocks a fire extinguisher off the wall ]

Officer 2’s Voice: 2125, to 2150.

Officer 1: Sorry, Captain.

Captain Matthews: Ah, that’s all right — pick it up!

Officer 1: Yes, sir.

Officer 2’s Voice: 2125! 2125, to 2150.

Captain Matthews: 2150 — bye!

Officer 2’s Voice: Trouble at the Pink —

Captain Matthews: Hey, what’s up!

Officer 2’s Voice: Hotel.

Captain Matthews: Uh, what’s up?

Officer 2’s Voice: A girl is holding her Siamese twin hostage. She’s got a gun.

[ music sting ]

Captain Matthews: Well, keep her talking ’til I get there, willya? [ to Officer 1 ] Alright, come on, let’s move. [ Officer 1 remains still ] Come on, move, move, move!!

[ they run out of the precinct ]

[ cut to stock footage of rapid movement between scenes ]

[ Captain Matthews and Officer 1 arrive at the exterior scene and approach Officer 2 ]

Captain Matthews: Alright, what are their demands?

Officer 2: Demands?

Captain Matthews: Why is she holding her sister hostage?

Officer 2: Gee, uh, I didn’t think to ask. I’ve just been telling her that, you know, everything’s gonna be alright…

Captain Matthews: What’s her name?

Officer 2: Name? Uh, I didn’t think to ask her that, either!

Captain Matthews: [ grabs his bullhorn ] Gimme that thing, willya?! [ into bullhorn ] This is Captain Matthews of the Highway Patrol — why are you holding your sister hostage?

[ cut to open window view of one Siamese twin holding a gun to the other’s head ]

Siamese Twin 1: I’m — I’m calling the world’s attention to the plight of repressed Siamese twins everywhere! I have two demands! If they’re not met, I’ll KILL my sister!!

Siamese Twin 2: Listen to her, she’s serious!!

Captain Matthews: Now, wait a minute, wait a minute! If you kill your sister, YOU’RE gonna die, too!

Siamese Twin 1: You got the picture, flatfoot! We’re talking murder-suicide here!

Siamese Twin 2: She doesn’t care! She’s crazy!

Siamese Twin 1: Shut up!!

Captain Matthews: Now, what are your demands?

Siamese Twin 1: Demand #1: I want a job that isn’t in any way connected with the circus! And #2: I want my sister and I considered as one person when we go to buy airline tickets!

Officer 1: Captain Matthews, uh — two priests from the parish are here. They want a chance to talk her down. [ the Siamese priests enter ] Captain Matthews, this is Father Tim and Father Roy, the siamese priests.

Captain Matthews: How are you, Fathers?

Father Tim: [ in thick Irish accent ] Hello, Captain Matthews. We thought maybe we could bring the Lord’s help.

Father Roy: [ also in thick Irish accent ] Give the girl half a chance… and she’ll give ME the gun!

Father Tim: That is, if she’s right-handed. If she’s left-handed, she’ll be handing ME the gun!

Father Roy: She’ll hand ME the gun! It was MY idea, I said it FIRST!

Father Tim: Yes, but I thought of it first! I had a —

[ they begin to argue about who gets to be handed the gun, until Captain Matthews intercdedes ]

Captain Matthews: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Please, Fathers! Will you go and see what you can do about it?

Father Tim: Yes!

Father Roy: Alright, we shall!

[ the Fathers and a couple of officers step toward the building ]

Siamese Twin 1: Hey, what goes on here?! I didn’t ask for mo lousy priests! What are they trying to pull on me!

[ the two Fathers enter the room ]

Together: Don’t shoot!! We’re Siamese priests!!

Siamese Twin 1: This is none of your business!

Father Roy: Ohh, child, if you know half as much as we know about God’s plan, you wouldn’t be saying that right now.

Siamese Twin 1: You mean, a quarter as much.

Father Roy: Well, alright.

Father Tim: That’s a point well taken. Okay, child — [ extends his hand ] Give… me… the gun.

Siamese Twin 1: One more step closer, and I’ll SHOOT! I swear!

Father Roy: Alright. Then, give ME the gun!

Siamese Twin 2: Oh, she’s so depressed, she doesn’t care if she lives or dies! But I do!! You’ve GOT to meet her demands!

Father Tim: [ as he and Father Roy motion with their hands ] Well, I can’t do that… but I can do this: I will talk to the judge and see if I can get him to drop the kidnapping charges. Now… give… me… the gun.

Siamese Twin 1: I’ll shoot! I’ll…

Father Roy: Give ME the gun, then! Will you please, child, give me the gun?

[ she slowly hands it over; Father Roy seizes it quickly ]

Father Roy: Ah!! [ singing ] I got the gun, I got the gun!

Father Tim: Aw, you two owe your necks to the Highway Patrol.

Father Roy: Officer! [ Officer 3 runs in ] You won’t be having any more trouble with these girls.

[ Father Roy hands Officer 3 the gun as he handcuffs the Siamese twins and drags them away ]

Siamese Twin 2: Thank you, you’re wonderful!

Father Tim: God be with you.

Father Roy: Well, I knew she’d give me the gun…

Father Tim: [ angry ] You ALWAYS get the gun! It bothers me!

Father Roy: Well, you always get to shake hands. You’re right-handed…

[ cut to stock footage of rapid movement between scenes ]

[ Captain Matthews and Officer 1 return to the station ]

Captain Matthews: Oh, that was a tough one.

Officer 1: Yeah. Those Siamese twins, they always give us trouble, you know?

Captain Matthews: Yeah, I know.

Officer 3’s Voice: 2150! 2150!

Captain Matthews: 2150 — bye!

Officer 3’s Voice: Got a bad accident out here on Coast Highway!

Captain Matthews: Well, what happened?

Officer 3’s Voice: Hot rodder in a blue Porsche — he rolled it!

Captain Matthews: Well, is he critical?

Officer 3’s Voice: He bit it! License identifies him as James Dean, of Los Angeles.

Captain Matthews: James Dean? James Dean! [ to Officer 1 ] You know, he was a hell of a good actor?

Officer 1: Yeah, he was… but he didn’t take our defensive driving course.

Captain Matthews: Yeah, that’s too bad.

Officer 3’s Voice: 2130! 10-A-10-17 on a 10-99 and out!

Captain Matthews: 10-4.

[ music sting ]

[ fade to black ]

[ fade back onto Captain Matthews ]

Captain Matthews: Well, that’s it. Be sure to watch the Highway Patrol in action next week. Until that, remember: when you drive… use a car.

[ dissolve to card: “This program is dedicated to the Highway Patrols throughout the nation and their contribution to the safeguarding of public welfare. We are deeply grateful for the technical advice and assistance which made the authentic production of this program possible.” ]

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Didn’t Applaud For Tinker Bell” ‘

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 16

76p: Broderick Crawford / Levon Helm & The RCO All-Stars, The Meters

Samurai Hit Man

Advisor 1…..Garrett Morris
Advisor 2…..Bill Murray
Don Marsala…..Dan Aykroyd
Samurai Futaba…..John Belushi

[ open on Don Marsala’s advisors pointing things out on a map of the city ]

Advisor 1: As you can see, Don Marsala, we are in an extremely untenable business situation.

Advisor 2: Our expansion in these areas, here, is undergoing what is, shall I say, uh — uh, a “trend of resistance”.

Don Marsala: Okay, come on, come on! Don’t give me this Ivy league mumbo-jumbo! Let ME spell it out for you! All I know is, my conglomerate ain’t conglomerating! I’m losing money! When that starts to happen, I begin to… start re-evaluating my personnel. Now, that means that if my advisors don’t start giving me some sound advice, their next public appearance will be at the supermarket in several brightly-lackaged two-pound bags of pimento loaf.

Advisor 1: Indeed, we discussed that possibility over breakfast this morning.

Advisor 2: Yes, but we HAVE a specific recommendation to increase revenue.

Advisor 1: Yes, the problem is this, Don Marsala — now, the Kirschner Family controls the numbers and the prostitution here and here… and the Cornelius Family is moving into Drug Trafficking Sector B. So, as long as the Kirschner Family and Cornelius Family are fiscal entities, we cannot expand into these areas.

Don Marsala: So what is your recommendation?

Advisor 2: We recommend… that you kill, as soon as possible, both Don Cornelius and Don Kirschner.

Don Marsala: [ thinking it over ] Sounds like a beautiful idea. Yuo got a button man lined up to do the job?

Advisor 2: Yes, we do. We were fortunate enough to secure the services of the best in the business.

Don Marsala: Where is he?

Advisor 1: Uh, he’s right outside your office, sir.

Advisor 2: [ into intercom ] Could you send in the gentleman that’s waiting, please?

Don Marsala: Where’s this guy from, anyway? Our New York men are too well known for this, you know?

Advisor 2: Uh, don’t worry — he’s from out of town.

Don Marsala: Oh, yeah?

[ the office doors open, and in storms Futaba brandishing his sword across the back of his shoulders ]

Announcer: And now… another episode of “Samurai Hit Man”.

Advisor 1: Uh, Don Marsala? This is the button man we hired for the job.

Don Marsala: [ stands ] Where you from?

Futaba: [ mumbly ] Detroit!

Don Marsala: Detroit, huh? Well, we’ll just see about that. Who’s the head of the numbers racket in the downtown area there now?

Futaba: [ mumbles something incomprehensible ]

Don Marsala: [ considers the response ] Okay. Now, let me ask you this: what’s his brother doing now?

Futaba: [ mumbles something incomprehensible ]

Don Marsala: [ nods ] That’s right, he doesn’t have a brother. [ brieg pause ] Who was the Sheriff in Wayne County between 1958 and 1963?

Futaba: [ mumbles something incomprehensible, as though slightly offended ]

Don Marsala: I don’t know, either. [ to his advisors ] Hey, this guy’s gonna be alright!

Futaba: [ extends his hand for a shake ] Futaba.

Don Marsala: Alright. [ to his advisors ] Okay, now do you guys have that hit planned, or what?

Advisor 2: We’ve taken all factors into consideration. Now, we know that Don Cornelius and Don Kirschner always eat lunch in the same restaurant.

Don Marsala: Wait, wait, wait, wait! You’re not gonna send this guy into a restaurant — he’ll stick out like a green thumb!

Advisor 1: Oh! Not really. They eat at Benihana’s. [ Don Marsala doesn’t udnerstand ] A Japanese restaurant on the Lower East side. He’ll fit in just fine.

Don Marsala: Okay, tell me something: just how is this hit going to go down?

Advisor 2: We’ve arranged so that he will prepare the food that Don Cornelius and Don Kirschner will eat.

Don Marsala: Show me!

Advisor 1: If we could just have a minute for a brief demonstration.

Don Marsala: Yeah…

[ the advisors run off to prepare their demonstration ]

Don Marsala: So… you come out of that Motor City. What’s our price?

Futaba: [ mumbles something incomprehensible ]

Don Marsala: Fair enough. Okay, now you realize that, according to tradition, you must kiss both of the victims.

Futaba: [ waves his hand no ] Uhm uh uh uhhhh… [ he spits ]

Don Marsala: It’s the Kiss of Death!! You DON’T get the job unless you kiss BOTH victims on the cheek!!

[ Futaba steps back and pulls out his sword for an attack ]

Don Marsala: Okay, hold — hold it! That one’s negotiable!

[ Futaba puts his sword away, as the advisors wheel in their props for the demonstration ]

Don Marsala: What the hell’s all this?

Advisor 1: Ah! This is a simulation of the dining area at Benihana’s. Now, that — [ points at a head of cabbage staked to a pole ] this cabbage here — this cabbage here i Don Kirschner, and this cabbage is Don Cornelius.

Don Marsala: [ to Futaba ] Okay, pal — show me your stuff.

[ Futaba stands before the two cabbage effegies of Dons Cornelius and Kirschner, and bows his greeting before them ]

[ Futaba grabs a handful of vegetables and drops it onto the makeshift burner at the center of the table; smoke fills the room ]

[ Futaba continues this ritual by dropping more vegetables and water ontp the makeshift burner, as well as twirling spice shakers like numchucks across the counter ]

[ Futaba slices vegetables through the air with a small knife, then begins to flick the flying vegetables across the table ]

[ Futaba breaks a breadstick in half across his forehead ]

Don Marsala: [ stepping forward ] You mean to tell me that you’re going to cook their LAST meal right in front of them?!

[ Futaba responds by sliding his sword back and forth inside its sheath ]

Don Marsala: You’re not putting me on? [ Futaba shakes his head no ] Alright, now about that Kiss of Death… [ Futaba snarls ] Is it worth… ten-thousand dollars to you? [ Futaba snarls ] Twelve-thousand, five-hundred?

[ insulted, Futaba extends a smaller sword to his chest and prepares to go hari-kari ]

Don Marsala: Okay, okay! Hold it, hold it! Seventeen-thousand dollars, and car fare back to Detroit!

[ Futaba drops his sword and coss as he kisses the fronts of both heads of cabbage. He then whips out his bigger sword and slices each cabbage across the middle. ]

Don Marsala: Okay, pal… you got a deal!

[ Futaba shakes Don Marsala’s hand, as they freeze their positions ]

Announcer: Tune in next week for another episode of… “Samurai Hit Man”. ]

[ fade to black, then fade up on the audience, zoom across to a smiling woman with SUPER: “Has Boring Fantasy Life” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 16

76p: Broderick Crawford / Levon Helm & The RCO All-Stars, The Meters

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

…..Jane Curtin
…..Garrett Morris
…..John Belushi

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: [ smiling ] Good evening! [ a beat ] I’m wearing… black mesh stockings… and studded leather boots with eight-inch spiked heels… and a garter belt…

[ Jane looks offscreen with admiration as a male audience member whistles at her descriptions ]

Of course, you’ve all seen my bra… [ she leans in ] but let’s talk about my panties for one second: they’re mesh — black mesh string bikini. I love them. You would, too. I wish I had them on right now! They’re in my laundry basket — at home. Therefore… under this suit… [ she hesitates ] You get the picture…

Our top story tonight: 19-month old Jason Carter, grandson of the President, was busted today by Washington police, locked up and charged with leaking classified materials on the White House front lawn. Young Carter faces up to twenty years of toilet-training at a federal institution.

First-Lady Rosalyn Carter, last Friday, formally unveiled the new official portrait of the President’s painting, on commission by artist Villam Cacouna.

And, in a heartwarming gesture of show buisness, comedian Bob Hope has donated his brain to Lucille Ball. Posing for this picture, just after the transplant operation, Lucy said, “I feel much funnier already!” Mr. Hope said nothing.

Jane Curtin: And now, “Weekend Update” reporter Garrett Morris reports on the Black Governors Conference, being held in the Americana Hotel in New York. Come in, Garrett.

[ cut to Garrett standing in front of an empty conference hall ]

Garrett Morris: This is the second day of the third annual Black Governors Conference. The expected showdown between the conservatives and liberal Black governors has NOT materialized because of the fact that, for the third year in a row, no one has shown up. Now, I’m told that this is due to the fact that there are no Black governors… in… the United States.

[ Garrett shifts his eyes, thinking ]

You couldn’t find a Black governor in the United States if my LIFE depended on it! I mean — I mean, I thought this was Laraine Newman’s thing. You know, uh, Jane? Showing up where nothing’s happening? Just because I’m Black, you know, doesn’t mean you can pull that stuff on me, too! You know, I’ve got friends! I’ll get Alex Haley… to cancel your roots! Honky!

This is Garrett Morris, at the Americana Hotel. Signing off.

[ cut back to Jane, smiling ]

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Garrett! We all wondered when you’d catch on to our little joke! Have fun next week, when we send you to the conference on Black Popes!

Sources in Hollywood say that film director Roman Polanski has announced he’s quitting the movie business and will open a babysitting service.

In a surprise move this week, Idi Amin has stepped down as President of Uganda to fulfill a dream he’s had since childhood. That is, become a member of the Harlem Globetrotters.
[ Harlem Globetrotters theme music plays over still footage of Amin at a basketball court ]
More on Meadowlark Amin as the season progresses.

Well, the movie “Earthquake” opened in Malaysia this week. Unfortunately, a careless projectionist turned up the SensaRound a bit too much, killing thousands and leaving untold millions homeless.

Still to come: beekeepers hold Black man hostage, after this message.

[ cut to repeat of “Puppy Uppers / Doggie Downers” ]

[ return to Jane at the newsdesk ]

Jane Curtin: This just in: [ speedily ] In Brooklyn, a man walks into a psychiatrist’s office, says, “Doctor, Doctor! No one will talk to me!” The doctor says, “Next?” [ she chuckles heartily ] God, that new writer is just terrific!

And now, because of St. Patrick’s Day, Mr. John Belushi is here to discuss the luck of the Irish.

John Belushi: Thank you, thank you very much. Well it’s come that time again, St. Patrick’s Day has come and gone and well the sons of Ireland are basking in the glow. When I think of Ireland I think a lot of colorful Irish expressions like, “Top of the morning to ya,” “Kiss the barney stone,” “May the road rise to meet ya,” “May you be in heaven an hour before the devil knows you’re dead,” “I’d like to smash you in the face with my shalalee,” “Danny-boy,” “Bhagora,” “Wail of the banshee,” and “Whiskey for the leprechauns, whisky for the leprechauns.” But the expression I think most people identify with the Irish, is, of course, the luck of the Irish.

The luck of the Irish. Sure. Let’s say you’re in a pub somewhere in Ireland, oh, anywhere in Ireland, some guy comes up to you and says, “Hey is that a bomb on you I hear ticking?” And then BAM!!! Your small intestines are on the ceiling and your brains are on your car across the street. That’s the luck of the Irish for ya, who’s kidding who, okay?

Let’s talk about the bad luck of the Irish, all right? How about this, POTATO FAMINE!! How about that? It scares them, doesn’t it? Well it should. That’s why they came here in the first place. So they wouldn’t have to work in the potato fields. That’s why they became politicians, priests, and cops. Luck? Gimme a break.

I got a friend, his name is Dan Sullivan, he’s Irish as they come. We used to drink together a lot. After two drinks, he would look like an Irish pirate. You know? You think he had luck? In one day he got his car stolen, and the stupid, he had no insurance, and no license, and he gets locked up for being drunk. And after that, he takes off for someplace like India or Nepal, or someplace like that. And his mother dies, ya know, so they wire him to tell him to come to the funeral. It’s his mother’s funeral, that’s all. And he’s in India or Nepal, sitting squat-legged listening to some sacred cow. So he comes back and he gets stopped at U.S. Customs for trafficking illegal drugs, not holding, he’s trafficking. I mean, here’s this guy Sullivan, his old lady kicks off, he gets popped at the border and he’s sitting on fifty pounds of black Tibetan finger hash and two keys of slam. Now that’s not bad luck, that’s DUMB luck. I don’t think luck has anything to do with it, I don’t think he has any brains at all. First of all, he’s drunk, then he’s a junkie. I don’t know what’s worse. Don’t ask me, ask Sullivan. And what happens? He calls me up and says, “Hey man, I got busted at the border. I need five grand bail.” I said, I said, “Five grand man!? Hey man, I’ve never even seen five thousand dollars in my life, so don’t ask me for it, man, why don’t you ask your mother!!” Which was a dumb thing for me to say because his mother just died. Right now, I got this drunken Irish junkie who wants to kill me because of what I said about his mother being in terminal dreamland. Oh pal. One thing! One thing!!! They love their mothers, boy, oh they love their mothers. It’s momma this, momma that. Oh my Irish mother! Ireland must be heaven, because my mother.. aauugghhh! Aaauugghhh!!!

Jane Curtin: Well, that’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 16

76p: Broderick Crawford / Levon Helm & The RCO All-Stars, The Meters

Goodbye Saccharine

Written by: Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Cheryl Hardwick, Paul Shaffer

Rhonda Weiss … Gilda Radner
Rhondette #1 … Jane Curtin
Rhondette #2 … Laraine Newman
Rhondette #3 … Linda Ronstadt

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, SaturdayNight is proud to present Rhonda Weiss and theRhondettes!

[Music begins. Applause for Rhonda Weiss andRhondettes, a sixties-era girl group whose lead singeris Jewish-American Princess Rhonda Weiss who wears apink gown and holds a hand mike. The Rhondettes arethree backing vocalists who have identical blackhairstyles, wear black gowns and carry purses whilestanding in front of microphones at Home Base before aglittering curtain. The Rhondettes apply make-up andsing their backing vocals behind Rhonda:]

Rhonda: [sings]
They say you gave rats cancer
And I say that can’t be true
Because you’re just so very sweet
That’s something you’d never do
I love you, I needed you
We had a fine relation
Till last week when it was ruined by the Food and DrugAdministration
[sings the refrain]
And I can look everywhere from Arkansas to Akron…

Rhondettes: … but, sugar …

Rhonda: … there’s no sugar substitute tosubstitute for saccharin!

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: Goodbye, sacc-ha-rine!

Rhondettes: Bye bye!

Rhonda: [spoken] Goodbye, saccharin! Uh!
[sings]
When I had my first taste of you
And you stopped my teenage sobbin’s
By showing me there was a big, wide world
Outside of Baskin and Robbins

Rhondettes: [pull ice cream cones out ofpurses, lick them] Robbins!

[As the music continues, Rhonda and Rhondette #1 havea spoken interlude:]

Rhondette #1: So what did you weigh in college?

Rhonda: I went up and down.

Rhondette #1: Like, around what?

Rhonda: Between one-fifteen andone-twenty-five.

Rhondette #1: Closer to one-fifteen orone-twenty-five?

Rhonda: Between, like, one-twenty-three andone-twenty-five.

Rhondette #1: Like, around one-twenty-four?

Rhonda: [annoyed] Bitch!

[Cheers and applause distract Rhonda who forgets tosing the opening lines of the next verse but theomitted lyrics are shown here in brackets:]

Rhonda: [sings]
[We have been together ever since
You gave me my] first chance
To wear my clothes without imprintin’ in my skin
The elastic from my underpants

Rhondettes: [pull panties out of purses, wavethem] Underpants!

Rhonda:
But they don’t care about the fact
That, since you’ve been around,
You’re the only reason I can zip my jeans
Without lyin’ down!

Rhondettes: [spoken] There’s nothin’ you cando!

Rhonda: [spoken] That’s not true!
Imagine: I step into my car,
Drive a little too fast to the market,
I’m panicked, it’s rainin’ real hard
And I can’t find a place to park it.
But, finally, exhausted, I race from the store. Itfeels really far.
And pile everything they have that contains artificialsweetener
In the front seat of my car.
Then I squeeze in and pull out,
Headin’ for the next food place.
Too bad I didn’t see the Good Humor truck
Comin’ straight at me before the case of Tab slidacross my face!

[Sound effects: tires squeal, automobilecrashes]

Rhondette #2: [spoken] Have ya got insurance?!Have ya got insurance?! Have ya gotinsurance?!

Rhonda: [spoken] Watch me die!

Rhondettes: [singing sadly]
Oooo ah oooh
Oooo ah oooh

Rhonda: [sings]
And the truth is, that’s what happened
Last Friday night at seven [church bellstoll]

Rhondettes: [singing sadly]
Oooo ah oooh
Oooo ah oooh

Rhonda: [sings]
Now saccharin and I will be together forever
In low-calorie Heaven!

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: You left a bad taste in mymouth!

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: But you kept my seams frombusting!

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: Without you in my life …

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: … my body would be absolutelydisgusting!
[sings the refrain]
And I can look everywhere from Arkansas to Akron…

Rhondettes: … but, sugar …

Rhonda: … there’s no sugar substitute tosubstitute for saccharin!
[spoken]
But I’ll be thin forever and maybe you should tryit
Just do what I’ve done and go on the Car Crashdiet!
Goodbye, Akron! Hello, saccharin!

[Song ends. Cheers and applause.]

Rhonda: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thankyou! And, now – and now, everybody, everybody, I’dlike to introduce the Rhondettes! Jane Curtin fromBoston! [cheers and applause] Laraine Newman fromL.A.! And, finally, Linda Ronstadt from the PlazaHotel! [louder cheers and applause] Thank you. And,now, ladies and gentlemen …

Rhonda and the Rhondettes: Live from New York,it’s Saturday Night!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 17


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


March 26th, 1977

Jack Burns

Santana

None

Bob Van Ry

Anne Beatts

Mitchell Laurance

Jim Downey

Al Franken

Tom Davis

Neil Levy

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Rosie Shuster

Tom Schiller

Alan Zweibel
John’s DemandsSummary: Having not been given the opportunity to open the show until now, John Belushi holds the sketch hostage and requests that a list of his demands be met before he says the opening line.

Transcript

Montage

Jack Burns’ MonologueSummary: Jack Burns fulfills the desire to touch himself on national television.

The Farbers Meet The ConeheadsSummary: Larry (John Belushi) and Bobbi Farber (Gilda Radner) invite their new neighbors, The Coneheads, over for dinner.

Recurring Characters: Larry Farber, Bobbi Farber, Beldar Conehead, Prymaat Conehead, Connie Conehead.

Transcript

Santana performs “Black Magic Woman”

Marine WeddingSummary: Marine Sergeant Wee Boyd (Dan Aykroyd) and his bride, Private Kathleen Lizetti (Jane Curtin), endure a military wedding service.

Transcript

A Town Without PitySummary: Eliot Ness (Dan Aykroyd) is called in to take India from Indira Gandhi’s (Laraine Newman) hands, as is the will of the people

Recurring Characters: Indira Gandhi, Eliot Ness.

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Jane Curtin invites a cardboard cutout of Harry Reasoner to join her at the Weekend Update desk. Jane announces this year’s Oscar winners based on results stolen from the Price-Waterhouse accounting firm.

Transcript

Leech-Tab 100Summary: A pharmicist (Dan Aykroyd) prescribes leeches as the old-fashioned headache remedy.

The Story Of The SquattersSummary: Early American crouchers settle the frontier for their clan.

Transcript

Executive SuicideSummary: A sketch about a business executive (Jack Burns) who commits suicide is ruined when Jack Burns forgets to duck after jumping through the window.

Recurring Characters: Sherry.

Transcript

Jack Burns is RockySummary: Jack Burns trains to be like “Rocky”, in a film by Gary Weis.

Ask Big DaddySummary: As a follow-up to “Ask President Carter”, Walter Cronkite (Bill Murray) interviews Idi Amin (Garrett Morris), who is quiet about a recent massacre.

Recurring Characters: Walter Cronkite, Idi Amin.

MirageSummary: In a short film, a vending machine appears in the desert.

PantygramsSummary: Richardo Montalban (Dan Aykroyd) endorses the underwear message service.

Recurring Characters: Richardo Montalban.

Santana performs “Europa”

Drunk Comedy WriterSummary: Gilda Radner and Jane Curtin meet washed-up comedy writer Gags Beasley (Jack Burns) in a bar, and listen to some of his stale jokes.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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