Category: 1977

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12

77l: O.J. Simpson / Ashford & Simpson

E. Buzz Miller’s Animal Kingdom

E. Buzz Miller…..Dan Aykroyd
Christy Christina…..Larine Newman

E. Buzz Miller: Good evening, welcome to Public Access Cable Channel Z. This is E. Buzz Miller’s Animal Kingdom. I’m your host, E. Buzz Miller. And of course, our lovely guest to the left here, Miss Christy Christina, will be dancing at the Paradise Lounge all this week. And, uh.. Christy’s our expert on animal behavior, isn’t that right, Christy?

Christy Christina: [ giggles ] I guess so! [ giggles ]

E. Buzz Miller: Okay, enough talk, viewers. Let’s get right to this week’s exciting animal kingdom. Our first feature tonight is a frog couple you see here, they’re members of the reptile group of the animal kingdom. They may be cold-blooded, but it don’t stop ’em from having a lot of fun! [ Christy giggles ] Wouldn’t you say so, Christy?

Christy Christina: I don’t know.. I don’t think I’d like to be a frog! [ giggles ]

E. Buzz Miller: Well, Christy, let’s take a couple of looks at our little friends in the insect world – maybe you’ll see something you like. Here’s a ladybug. This is the beginning of their reproductive cycle. Look, it looks like he snuck up on her!

Christy Christina: Oh, I think she knew what was going on!

E. Buzz Miller: A couple of monarch butterflies with a new approach. Ever thought of hanging upside down from a milkweed plant.

Christy Christina: Oh, I’d be afraid of falling off! [ giggles ]

E. Buzz Miller: You wouldn’t have to worry, there’d be plenty to hang onto! [ laughs ] Now, here’s an often ignored member of the animal kingdom. Biologists call it the annalide – an earthworm, a common earthworm. They’re considered a primitive life form..

Christy Christina: That one has herpes! [ giggles ]

E. Buzz Miller: Yeah, that’s what it looks like, Christy. I think they got something going here, you know, because they got these spikes to help them grab onto each other, you know? And here, you’re gonna see them forming a mucus sac to exchange sperm. Now this is a biological fact – each of these worms has both male and female organs. Honest to God – they’re AC/DC!

Christy Christina: Kind of like Elton John! [ giggles ]

E. Buzz Miller: Right, Christy. Except, these worms do it with spikes. They’re the lowest form of life, but they really get off! They’re S/M switch hitters! How do you like that, Christy?

Christy Christina: Oh, I think it’s disgusting.

E. Buzz Miller: How about that one – 33 inches. You ever see a worm 33 inches long?

Christy Christina: I don’t know.

E. Buzz Miller: I’ll bet you don’t! [ laughs ] Okay, viewers, our final couple on Animal Kingdom, I think you’re gonna like this. See some salamanders in their natural environment, doing what makes the animal kingdom so exciting! And on that note, I’d like to say goodnight, on behalf of Christy and me, E. Buzz Miller, hoping you’ll take a cue from the animal kingdom and have a good time yourself tonight! Christy, I want to buy you a drink.

Christy Christina: Okay, Buzz! [ giggles ]

[ camera pans up over the set into the audience, stops at woman with SUPER: “Dangerous When Entertained” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12

77l: O.J. Simpson / Ashford & Simpson

Audience Questions

…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Gilda Radner standing at Home Base ]

Gilda Radner: Hi, I’m Gilda Radner! [ audience starts to applaud ] Okay, now! [ audience applauds wildly ] Thank you. Tonight, we thought we’d start off with something a little different. Before the show, we handed out some cards for the audience to write down questions, and I’m going to do the best I can to answer them off the top of my head. Okay?

Alright, the first question is from Kevin Lieberman, of Minniola, New York.. and Kevin asks: “Do you ever have trouble coming up with an opening for the show?” Well, uh, yes, Kevin.. coincidentally, we had a great deal of difficulty this very week.

The next question is from Kevin Wood, who asks: “In the event that you have difficulty coming up with an opening to the show, what would you do?” Well, Kevin, whenever this happens – and this is the first time – we hand out cards to the audience, so they can ask questions, and then I answer them off the top of my head.

Okay. The next question is from Kevin Crack of Brooklyn, and Kevin asks: “Are these questions really written by us the audience, or are they written by the writers?” Kevin, I hope you’re not disappointed.. but the writers wrote the questions.

Okay. Oh.. and this one is from someone who signs his name “Just Kevin”. Where are you sitting, Kevin, where are you? [ audience stands collectively and applauds ] Thank you, alright. And, uh, Kevin says: “Gilda, settle a bet – my wife, Kevin, says you always start the show with the words ‘Give me all your hot monkey love,’ and I say she’s wrong.” Well, Kevin, your wife Kevin is wrong. No matter what the opening, no matter how ill-conceived, how unprepared we are, we always start the show with “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12

77l: O.J. Simpson / Ashford & Simpson

Goodnights

…..O.J. Simpson

O.J. Simpson: Well… that’s all for tonight! Thanks for joining us!

Announcer: Next Saturday night, watch NBC’s “Weekend” with Lloyd Dobbins. We’ll be back two weeks from tonight, when our host will be Art Garfunkel with musical guest Stephen Bishop, and Andy Kaufman. This is O.J. Pardo — the O.J.’s for Only Joking. Good night.

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12

77l: O.J. Simpson / Ashford & Simpson

Great Moments in Sports

… O.J. Simpson
Nurse … Jane Curtin
Doctor … Dan Aykroyd
Babe Ruth … John Belushi
Boy … Garrett Morris
Radio Announcer … Bill Murray
Priest … Tom Schiller

[Graphic reads: Great Moments in Sports. We hear pianomusic throughout the sketch, commenting on the action.Dissolve to O. J. Simpson who sits in an easy chairnext to a table and lamp, digging through a box ofCracker Jack caramel-coated popcorn and peanuts, abook in his lap. He looks up, sees the camera is on,and hastily picks up the book to hide the Cracker Jackbox.]

O.J. Simpson: Hello. As a kid, I had many idols. Menlike Jackie Robinson and Willie Mays inspired me. Butprobably America’s greatest hero was the legendaryGeorge Herman “Babe” Ruth. [Dissolve to stock footageof Babe Ruth hitting a home run and running the basesat Yankee Stadium] Born in 1895, the Babe grew up tobecome the New York Yankees’ Sultan of Swat as well asthe game’s most exciting player. [Dissolve back toSimpson] The Babe loved everyone but the fans he caredthe most about was America’s kids. And the Babe alwaystried to return their love. Like the time in a NewYork hospital, almost forty years ago …

[Dissolve to an image of a large building.Superimposed text reads: BRONX CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL.Dissolve to a hospital room where Babe Ruth, eating ahot dog and drinking a mug of beer, confers with adoctor and nurse at the foot of a little boy’s bed.]

Nurse: Thank you so much for coming, Mr. Ruth. Youhave no idea how much this will mean to him.

Doctor: He’s your biggest fan, Babe. He listens to allthe Yankees games on the radio.

Babe Ruth: Well, that’s nice to hear. I like kids. Iwas an orphan myself. I’m sensitive to their needs.

Boy: [moaning in pain] Aaaaahhhhhhh!

Babe Ruth: How’s the little colored fella anyway?

Doctor: Well … I’ll tell ya, he’s, uh, he’s a prettysick boy. In fact, even he doesn’t know how sick he is.

Nurse: But we think he could pull through if we justkeep his spirits up. And you’re just the person whocould do it.

Doctor: You know, I think he’s waking up now.

[The Babe, the nurse, and the doctor join the boy at bedside.]

Doctor: [to the boy] Hey, little guy. You have a visitor.

Boy: Oh! It’s the Babe! Wow!

Babe Ruth: Hiya, kid! How are ya?

Boy: Gee, you came to see me, Babe!

Doctor: [to the delighted nurse] I think it’s helping already.

Babe Ruth: Here, kid. I brought you a present. [puts aYankees cap on the boy’s head] There ya go.

Boy: Gee! Thanks, Babe!

Babe Ruth: Well, we got a game against Cleveland this afternoon. I better be goin’ to the stadium. Ah, take it easy, kid.

Nurse: Mr. Ruth, thank you so much for stopping by.

Doctor: Yes.

Boy: Hey, Babe! Could you do me a favor? [thinksbetter of it, changes his mind] Oh, no, I-I-I…

Babe Ruth: Sure, kid! What can I do for ya?

Boy: Well … could you hit a home run just for me?

Doctor: Aw, come on, son. Mr. Ruth can’t make promises like that.

Babe Ruth: Oh, naw, naw, naw, it’s all right! I tellyou what I’ll do, kid! I’ll knock one out of the parkfor ya, you promise me you’ll pull through — is that a deal?

Boy: [deliriously happy] It’s a deal, it’s a deal,yeah, it’s a deal!

Babe Ruth: Okay, kid.

[Dissolve back to O. J. Simpson who is picking CrackerJack out of his teeth. He sees the camera is on andquickly resumes the narrative.]

O.J. Simpson: It was a perfect day for a ball game atYankee Stadium. The Cleveland Indians didn’t score offRuffing in the first but the Yankees had a threatgoin’ with Lazzeri on first — and up to the platestepped the old Bambino himself.

[Dissolve back to the hospital room where the boy,wearing his Yankees cap, listens intently to a 1930svintage radio at bedside.]

Radio Announcer: Two quick strikes on the Babe. Thepitcher’s in his wind up. The Babe swings and it’sstrike three!

Boy: Come on, Babe! Come on, Babe baby!

[The doctor and nurse look on with concern.]

Doctor: He’ll get it the next time, maybe.

[Dissolve back to O. J. Simpson who examines hisCracker Jack prize.]

O.J. Simpson: The Babe came up to bat again in thefourth inning. Holding the bat in his hand, he strodeto the plate in his pigeon-toed, inimitable style.But, quickly, the drunken, overweight idol had twostrikes on him.

[Dissolve back to the hospital room where the boylistens to the radio.]

Radio Announcer: An interesting story, sports fans.Before the game, the Babe told me that he promised alittle boy who’s dying in the hospital that he’d hit ahome run for him today.

Boy: [stunned, to the radio] I’m dyin’?!

Radio Announcer: The wind-up and the pitch. Oops, itwon’t be this time at bat as the Babe takes strikethree and the score remains Indians two and theYankees nothing.

[Dissolve back to O. J. Simpson and his prize.]

O.J. Simpson: Going into the eighth inning, it wasstill 2-0 Cleveland. The little boy was hanging onevery pitch as it seemed his very health laid on theBabe’s game. But the Babe struck out again and thingsbegan to look bleak going into the ninth inning.

[Dissolve back to the hospital room where the nurseand doctor stand over the semiconscious boy.]

Doctor: He’s sinking fast. Do we have oxygen ready?

Nurse: Yes. I – I don’t believe that the Babe would dothis to him. Fat tub of lard! You know?

[The boy, mouth and eyes wide open in expectation,listens to the radio.]

Radio Announcer: Ah, there’s two outs in the bottom ofthe ninth and, uh, Lazzeri must get on if the Babe isgonna have another chance at that home run for thelittle dying boy, of course. [The boy nods] Three-twocount on Lazzeri. Here’s the pitch and Lazzeri pops itup. Oh, no! This looks like it’s the ball game. [Theboy, devastated, begins to sink back into his pillow]No, it’s dropped! He dropped the ball, ladies andgentleman! Lazzeri is safe at first and the Babe willhave another shot at it. Holy cow!

[Delighted, the boy glances at the relieved doctor andnurse. The announcer continues under the following:]

Doctor: Nurse, uh, you’d better call his parents. [Thenurse hurries off. The doctor turns to a nearbypriest.] Father, you’d better stand by. We still mightbe needing you here.

Priest: Yes, of course.

[The doctor listens to the boy’s heart with astethoscope as the boy focuses on the radio, rising upoff his pillow with the announcer’s every word. Thedoctor and priest also get caught up in the game.]

Radio Announcer: Ruth steps up to the plate. The Babedigs in. He swings and it’s a long fly ball! That babyis back there! It’s back! It’s curving … FOUL!

[The boy quickly sinks back down. The doctor listensto his heart. The priest quietly reads the lastrites.]

Radio Announcer: Next time you come by, bring mystomach, will ya? Well, this is it for Ruth if he’sgonna keep his promise to that kid who’s about to die,I guess. Here’s the pitch. [Again, the boy is up offhis pillow, rising with the announcer’s every word]Ruth hits it far! That baby’s back there! Back! Back!But it’s curving, curving … FOUL! [The boy sinksback again] Oh, brother! Holy cow! You can’t help butwonder why the Babe is doing this, anyway. Well, thecrowd’s really pulling for the Sultan of Swat. Theyreally want him to put one out. If only the wholecrowd knew that this little kid’s gonna die almost anysecond. Here’s the pitch! [Again, the boy is up offhis pillow, rising with the announcer’s every word]The Babe swings! And it’s a long fly ball to deepright field! The outfielder’s drifting back, back!That ball is going … going … It is CAUGHT AT THEWALL! [The boy collapses and the doctor applies CPR.]

[Dissolve back to O. J. Simpson.]

O.J. Simpson: Well, that was the ball game. MaybeBabe tried to hit a home run that day and failed. Thenagain, maybe he forgot the promise he made to thelittle boy. And some even said that the Babe was drunkand didn’t do it on purpose. I, being an athletemyself, frankly find that hard to believe. Whateverthe true story was, though, it was yet another case ofa white man breaking a promise to a poor littlecolored boy. [laughter and applause] But there is amoral– But there is a moral to this story. Neverunderestimate the revenge of a black man. Becauselittle Hank Aaron … [audience gasps] … camethrough and went on to break all of Babe Ruth’srecords anyway. Thanks for watching Great Moments in Sports!

[Applause and a grand finale of piano music as wedissolve to an image of O. J. looking as if he isplanning a double murder.]

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on man with SUPER: “Own Best Friend” ]

[ fade ]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


March 11th, 1978

Art Garfunkel

Stephen Bishop

Andy Kaufman

Lorne Michaels

Tom Davis

Jim Downey
Modern CrimesSummary: In a silent film, a pair of grave robbers (John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd) steal the recently-buried corpse of Charlie Chaplin (Gilda Radner).

Transcript

Montage

Art Garfunkel’s MonologueSummary: Art Garfunkel receives feedback while performing “What a Wonderful World”, and it sets John Belushi on a rant about how NBC continues to negatively perceive the cast and crew of their late-night enterprise.

Transcript

Kromega IIISummary: The watch so powerful that it takes three hands to operate.

Note: Repeat from: 77a.

TomorrowSummary: Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) conducts an anonymous interview with Andy Strauss (Art Garfunkel), a man who is physically abused by his wife.

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.

Transcript

Stephen Bishop performs “On & On”

Miracle In ChicagoSummary: Richard Daley (John Belushi)

KISS ConcertSummary: The backstage guard (John Belushi) at a KISS concert is vigilant about who he will or will not let in to visit the band.

Recurring Characters: Jerry Eldini.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Garrett Morris demonstrates an anti-clotting drug by viewing a microscopic slide of an old Mighty Nouse cartoon. Bill Murray reviews “Coming Home” and takes back every doubt he’s had about Jane Fondsa since the Hanoi incident.

Art Garfunkel performs “All I Know” & “Scarborough Fair”

Looks At BooksSummary: Jane Curtin interviews nerds Lisa Loopner (Gilda Radner) and Todd DiLaMuca (Bill Murray), the authors of “Whatever Happened to the Class of ’77”.

Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca.

Schiller’s Reel: Don’t Look Back In AngerSummary: An elderly John Belushi visits the early graves of the Not Ready for Prime Time Players.

Transcript

Andy KaufmanSummary: Andy Kaufman attempts to read the entirety “The Great Gatsby”, much to the audience’s consternation.

Transcript

The Looking For Mr. Goodbar Sleepytime PlaysetSummary: The toy that brings senseless sex and violence to a little girl’s (Gilda Radner) world.

Transcript

Art Garfunkel performs “Crying In My Sleep”

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 13

77m: Art Garfunkel / Stephen Bishop

Schiller’s Reel: Don’t Look Back In Anger

…..John Belushi

SCHILLER’S REEL… WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY TOM SCHILLER

[ SUPER: “Schiller’s Reel” ]

[ film opens on an elderly John Belushi sitting in a train car ]

John Belushi: I guess this is my stop.

[ SUPER: “John Belushi in Don’t Look Back In Anger” ]

[ cut to John walking through a cemetary on a cold, winter’s day ]

John Belushi: Yeah.. they all thought I’d be the first one to go. I was one of those “Live Fast, Die Young, Leave A Good-Looking Corpse” types, you know? But I guess they were wrong. [ points his cane to the tombstone ] There they are – all my friends. This is the Not Ready For Prime Time Cemetary. Come on up.

[ John struggles up the snow-covered hill ]

Well.. here’s Gilda Radner. Ah.. she had her own show on Canadian television for years and years. “The Gilda Radner Show”. [ moment of silence ] Well, at least now I can see her on reruns. She was cute as a button, God bless her.

Here’s where Laraine is. They say she murdered her D.J. husband.. then moved to the valley in California and had a pecan farm. [ holds his fingers two inches apart ] She was this big when she died.

Jane Curtin. She married a stockbroker, had two children, moved to upstate New York. She died.. from complications during cosmetic surgery.

This is Garrett Morris. Now, Garrett.. Garrett left the show, and thenworked in the Black Theater for years. Then he died of an overdose ofheroin.

Here’s Bill Murray. He lived the longest – 38 years. Ah.. he was happy when he died, though – he’d just grown his moustache back. It’s probably still growing.

Over here is Chevy Chase. He died right after his first movie with Goldie Hawn.

Over here is Danny Aykroyd. I guess he loved his Harley too much. They clocked him at 175 miles an hour before the crash. It was a blur. I had to be called in to identify his body. I recognized him by his webbed toes.

[ drops flowers on Aykroyd’s grave ]

The “Saturday Night” show was the best experience of my life. And now,they’re all gone. And I miss every one of them. Why me? Why did I live so long? They’re all dead. [ reflective ] I’ll tell you why.. Because I’m a dancer!

[ music plays, so John drops his cane and dances amongst the graves ]

[ zoom out, fade to black ]

[ cut to close-up of audience member, “Middle Name Is Trouble” superimposed in front of her ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 13

77m: Art Garfunkel / Stephen Bishop

Modern Crimes

Grave Robbers…..Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi
Policeman…..Bill Murray
Charlie Chaplin…..Gilda Radner

[ open on graphic card ]

Announcer: “Jacques Cousteau Gets an Undersea Enema” will not be seen tonight, so that NBC can present the following special program.

[ fade to black ]

[ open on black-and-white title card to silent film: “Modern Crimes” ]

[ iris onto graverobbers carrying a corpse out of a cemetary ]

[ Title Card: “Somewhere In Switzerland Two Grave Robbers Are Up to No Good” ]

[ the grave robbers try to tug the corpse in opposite directions, then place the corpse on the ground and argue as a policeman stops in front of them ]

[ Title Card: “No Loitering. This is Switzerland” ]

[ the policeman waves his nightstick at them and continues on his way ]

[ the two grave robbers panic ]

[ Title Card: “Lets Get Out Of Here” ]

[ the two grave robbers attempt to lift the cotpse, but accidentally unravel it instead to reveal… Charlie Chaplin ]

[ they panic ]

[ elsewhere, the policeman scratches his head ]

[ Title Card: “Something’s Rotten In The State Of Switzerland” ]

[ the policeman walks back to the cemetary, where the two grave robbers sit with Chaplin’s corpse on a bench and smoke cigarettes ]

[ the policeman snarls ]

[ Title Card: “Move Along Now” ]

[ the tow grave robbers lift Chaplin’s corpse, with two cigarettes in his mouth, then Chaplin opens his eyes and speaks ]

[ Title Card: “Live From New York, Its Saturday Night” ]

[ the two grave robbers are stunned, as Chaplin smiles proudly ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 13

77m: Art Garfunkel / Stephen Bishop

The Looking For Mr. Goodbar Sleepytime Playset

Announcer…..Bill Murray
Little Girl…..Gilda Radner

[ open on little girl sitting on bedroom floor ]

Announcer: You’ve read the book, you’ve seen the movie… Now introducing: [ reveal product ] The Looking For Mr. Goodbar Sleepytime Playset, for single little girls! Yes, now your little girl can recreate the grim reality of Judith Rosner’s bleak novel of hopelessness and despair RIGHT in her very own bedroom, alone at night!

[ return to bedroom ]

Little Girl: Yayyyyyyy!!!

Announcer: It’s exciting AND educational!

Little Girl: How do you play?

Announcer: Well, take your Diane Keaton doll and go to the singles bar!

[ the little girl bounces her doll across the air to the singles bar playset ]

Announcer: Now drink THREE Tequila Sunrises!

[ the little girl throws two of the shots in the doll’s face, and chugs one for herself ]

Announcer: Now pick up a businessman —

[ the little girl picks up one of the men dolls and knocks the others to the floor ]

Little Girl: Uh — “Hello! You’re so beautiful! You wanna dance?”

[ the ltitle girl sings “Stayin’ Alive” as she bumps both dolls together ]

Announcer: Hey, wait — Waht are you waiting for? Take him back to your singles apartment!

Little Girl: “Oh, come to my house and I’ll make you some cookies!” [ she bounces the dolls across the air to the apartment playset ] “Oh, now we’re walking, and now we’re at MY house!” “Okay! Now, I’m gonna kiss you RIGHT NOW!” [ she makes the dolls kiss roughly ] “Stop it! Stop it! Stop, or I’m gonna take down your panties and spank your bottom just like that! Just like that!” [ she spanks the male doll ] Did I win yet?

Announcer: Nooooo. You have to keep picking up strange men until you get killed.

[ the little girl is confused ]

Announcer: So take Diane back to the singles bar —

[ the little girl dances the doll back to the singles bar playset ]

Announcer: Toss back three more Tequila Sunrises —

[ the little girl pours the bottle over the doll’s face, then chugs one for herself ]

Announcer: Now, pick up another guy!

[ the little picks up one of the fallen male dolls ]

Announcer: Uh-ohhhhh! You picked up a psychotic blonde homosexual!

Little Girl: Does that mean I win?

Announcer: Noooo, that means you get KILLED!

Little Girl: Ohhhhhh, noooo, it don’t! ‘Cause guess who’s here? [ she grabs an object from behind the playset ] Mr. Teddy Bear Purse! Here he comes! And he’s gonna get ALL of them, and SMASH them all up like that! [ she uses the teddy bear purse to knock the singles bar playset over ] He’s not gonna let them DO that to her!!

Announcer: [ laughing ] Yes! It’s the Looking For Mr. Goodbar Sleepytime Playset! Brings gratuitous sex and random violence into her little world! It’s from Mainway.

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 13

77m: Art Garfunkel / Stephen Bishop

Goodnights

…..Art Garfunkel
…..John Belushi

Art Garfunkel: That’s all the time we have, so… thank you, good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 13

77m: Art Garfunkel / Stephen Bishop

Andy Kaufman

… Art Garfunkel
British Man … Andy Kaufman
… Lorne Michaels

[British Man — wearing a yellow shirt, black tie andtails — paces behind host Art Garfunkel who addressesthe camera.]

Art Garfunkel: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. AndyKaufman.

[Garfunkel gestures to Kaufman, leads the applause anddeparts. Kaufman, in character as British Man,acknowledges the applause, then bends over a portablephonograph and drops the needle on a record of noisymarching band music. After it plays for a few seconds,he lifts the needle and drops it at the beginningagain. It plays for a few more seconds as British Manbriefly moves his fists in rhythm with the beat beforehe lifts the needle again, shuts off the phonographand steps forward to greet the audience.]

British Man: [with cultured British accent,briskly] All right, thank you very much. It’swonderful to be here and look out and see everyone’ssmiling faces. Everyone is feeling good? [cheers andapplause] Thank you very much. Thank you very much.Well, well, you know, um, now that we’ve gotten moreintimate with each other and feel more comfortable,I’d like to proceed with what I’m about to do. Theytold me that since there was only about twenty ortwenty-five minutes left in the show tonight thatsince I’ve been on several times before, they – theytrust me. The producers and the people who run theshow – they said they trust me very much and that theywould let me do anything I want. And I could have therest of the time, if – if it takes that long.

So, uh, I was wondering what – what to do. What couldI do in this – to fill up this twenty, twenty-fiveminutes? And– Could I sing a song, do a dance? Then Ithought, well, you know, before, I’ve been on theshow, I’ve done characters, you know, like the littleforeign man, foreign immigrant who goes [high-pitched,heavily accented voice of Foreign Man] “Thenk you verymuch. I’m very happy to be here.” [British accentagain] You know? And then I’ve done this Americancharacter, goes [American accent] “Hi, I’m Andy andhello, [waves] how are you? [sings] Oh, the cow goesmoo!” [British accent again] You know. And, uh… Ithought instead of doing that, why don’t I just comeout and be straight with you and just be myself? So,so that’s what–

So, anyway, then I thought, well, what should I do?What should I do? I was at a loss for what to do tofill up the time. So I saw this book. It was lying–Just a little while ago, I saw it lying around and itreminded me of when I was in school and thisliterature teacher gave me this book, told me to readit, said it was the greatest American novel everwritten. And, uh, I take issue with that. I don’tbelieve that it is. But I’d– What I’d like to do is,tonight, is I’d like to read it to you. And thenperhaps we could– you could point out some subtletiesI might have missed, in case, you know, if-if we havetime to follow for discussion.

[picks up the book and looks at it] So, anyway, it’scalled – it’s called The, uh, Great Gatsby — it’s byF. Scott Fitzgerald. And, uh, here it is. [opens book,begins to read aloud in a starchy near-monotone,making no eye contact with the audience] Chapter one.[clears his throat] “In my younger and more vulnerableyears, my father gave me some advice that I’ve beenturning over in my mind ever since. ‘Whenever you feellike criticizing anyone,’ he told me, ‘just rememberthat all the people in this world haven’t had theadvantages that you’ve had.’ He didn’t say any morebut we’ve always been unusually communicative in areserved way [coughing, restlessness, and nervouslaughter from the audience which increases as thereading proceeds] and I understood that he meant agreat deal more than that. In consequence I’m inclinedto reserve all judgements, a habit that has opened upmany curious natures to me and also made me the victimof not a few veteran bores. The abnormal mind is quickto detect and attach itself to this quality when itappears in a normal person, and so it came about thatin college I was unjustly accused of being apolitician, because I was privy to the secret griefsof wild, unknown men. Most of the confidences wereunsought, frequently I have feigned sleep,preoccupation or a hostile levity when I realized bysome unmistakable sign that an intimate revelation wasquivering on the horizon for the intimate revelationsof young men or at least the terms in which theyexpress them are usually plagiaristic and marred byobvious suppressions.

[by now, the audience is booing loudly, heckling,etc.] Reserving judgments is a matter of infinitehope. I am still a little afraid of missing somethingif I forget that, as my father snobbishly suggested[suddenly makes eye contact with the audience andsmiles as he says, snobbishly:] and I snobbishlyrepeat, [the audience cracks up at this but hecontinues without missing a beat] a sense of thefundamental decencies is parceled out unequally atbirth. [licks his index finger and uses it to turn topage two] And, after boasting this way of mytolerance, I come to the admission that it has alimit. Conduct may be founded on the hard rock or thewet marshes, but after a certain point I don’t carewhat it’s founded on. When I came back from the Eastlast autumn I felt that — [audience heckles and growsunruly again] I felt that I wanted the world to be …in uniform and at a sort of moral attention for–“

[audience has grown very surly – British Man stopsreading, annoyed] All right, now, look! Let’s – let’skeep it down, please, because, you know, we have along way to go. [holds up the book and flips the pages- audience laughs – heckler in the balcony yellssomething – British Man looks up at him – calmly] Now,look, we’re pressed for time, if you don’t mind, allright?

[resumes reading] “When I came back from the East lastautumn [audience groans, whistles, murmursimpatiently] I felt that I wanted the world to be inuniform and at a sort of moral attention forever. Iwanted no more riotous excursions with privilegedglimpses into the human heart. [grandly, pointing afinger in the air] Only Gatsby, the man who gives hisname to this book, Gatsby, who represented– who–[loses his place, finds it again] Only Gatsby wasexempt from my reaction. Gats–” [audience boos loudly- British Man breaks off reading, holds up a hand inprotest]

All right, now, look. All right, now, look. Now, waita minute. All right, now, wait a minute, now, hold on!If I hear any more– I want it quiet! If I hear onemore sound, I’m going to close this book and forgetabout the whole thing! [thunderous cheers and applause- British Man looks surprised at their reaction, thendecides that it’s a show of support] All right, thankyou very much. Thank you. All right. Thank you. [opensbook again – heckler shouts something] All right,that’s it — you’ve made your bed, now lie in it! I’mgoing! That’s it! Good night! I’m closing it –forgetting about the whole thing!

[applause as British Man walks past the phonograph asif to exit – suddenly, he stops, turns, and comesback] I – No, I’m only fooling! I wouldn’t do that toyou! [opens the book, audience shrieks with laughter]I wouldn’t — I wouldn’t do that to you! No, no.[resumes reading, grandly, pointing a finger in theair] “Only Gatsby, the man who gives his name to thisbook, was exempt from my reaction. Gatsby, whorepresented everything for which I have an unaffectedscorn. If personality is an unbroken series ofsuccessful gestures, then there was something gorgeousabout him, some–”

[audience grows unruly again – British Man breaks offreading] You know, you know, let me tell yousomething. I think what we need– I think what– Ithink what we need nowadays is – is more discipline.You know, when I was – when I was your age, I used tohave to walk about seven miles to school. Spare therod and spoil the child is what I say. Good huffaround a woodshed would – would do some of you verygood. All right? [opens book, finds his place] Now, ifyou don’t mind, I’m going to continue reading.[audience groans – he reads] “If personality is an -is an–” [audience gets upset] I won’t then![applause] All right, what do you want me to do?[scattered applause, heckling] All right, good, good.[resumes reading] “Only Gatsby, the man– Ifpersonality is an unbroken series of successfulgestures, then there was something gorgeous about him,some height–”

[producer Lorne Michaels enters, whispers in BritishMan’s ear and quickly exits – British Man is outraged]What? What? All right, that is it! I have beenasked to leave, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers andapplause] I have been asked – I have been asked toleave. I have been asked to leave — and I resent it!I was told I could take all the time I want and nowthey ask me to leave. Well, all right, I was going toread you the book and then I was going to play you themusic record. But that’s it! You don’t want it, thenfine — I won’t even do that! No! You don’t want therecord either, do you? [various audience members tryto talk to him] Fine. All right. How many people – Howmany people want the record? How many people want therecord? [cheers and applause] All right. You really–?Do you REALLY want the record? [louder cheers andapplause] Do you really want the record? Or would yourather that I leave? All right. I’ll do the record.But – but – but, first, first the book. [audiencereacts negatively to this] All right, all right, allright. You want the record? [audience reactspositively to this] You want the record? All right,then we’ll have the record. Then, we’ll have– No, allright. Enough is enough. All right.

[British Man goes to the phonograph, drops the needleon the record, then returns to face the audience,moving his fists rhythmically and expectantly as aloud hiss and a prolonged series of skips issue fromthe machine – suddenly, instead of the marching bandmusic heard earlier, we hear:]

British Man’s Voice: [starchy near-monotonefrom the phonograph] “Only Gatsby, the man who giveshis name to this book, was exempt from my reaction.Gatsby, who represented everything for which I have anunaffected scorn. …”

[Laughter and applause. British Man gloats. Pull backand fade away.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts