Category: 1977

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 17

77q: Michael Sarrazin / Keith Jarrett, Gravity

Josh Ramsey: V.D. Caseworker

Johnny…..Bill Murray
Susie…..Laraine Newman
Teacher…..Jane Curtin
Josh Ramsey…..Michael Sarrazin
Student…..Garrett Morris
Cheerleader #1…..Rosie Shuster
Cheerleader #2…..Anne Beatts
Teammate…..John Belushi
Mr. Ludlow…..Dan Aykroyd
Mrs. Ludlow…..Gilda Radner

[ open on classroom setting ]

Johnny: Hey, Susie — I haven’t told my parents yet, but I’ve decided not to go away to college next year so that we can get married.

Susie: Oh, Johnny! That makes me SO happy!

[ they kiss ]

Teacher: Okay, okay — quiet down, class! Quiet down! Now… for Home Room, we have a guest — Mr. Josh Ramsey, who was nice enough to come over from the County Health Clinic to talk to us. Mr. Ramsey?

[ the class claps ]

Josh Ramsey: Thank you, Miss Henderson. I’ve come to talk to you all on a problem that’s reached near-epidemic proportions here at Lincoln High. I’m talking, of course, about venereal disease.

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: “Josh Ramsey: V.D. Caseworker”.

[ Josh Ramsey appears in iris over title card ]

Announcer: Starring Peter Fonda as Josh Ramsey: V.D. Caseworker.

[ dissolve to full classroom set once again ]

Josh Ramsey: Now, I heard some of you giggle when I said “V.D.” — and, actually, that’s quite natural. People giggle at things they don’t understand — especially sex. That’s right — sex! And it’s virtually impossible to get V.D. except through sexual contact. ANYONE who tells you you can get V.D. through a doorknob or a toilet seat is just full of PRUNES! V.D. can cause blindness, insanity, even death! Let me show you something here… [ he holds up a grotesque photo, causing one female student to gasp ] Yes. This is a picture of a man in the third stage of syphillis. If you have a genital sore, a body rash, a burning sensation when urinating, or a milky emission, you may have venereal disease. Now, we at the County Health Clinic want you to come in and see us if you think you MIGHT have V.D.! And there’s NOTHING to be embarrassed about. Anybody can get V.D.: Middle class, intelligent, nice people. Now, are there any questions?

Student: [ reluctantly ] Uh… yeah. Uh… did, uh, you ever, uh, have V.D.?

Josh Ramsey: [ taken aback ] Nooo!

[ the bell rings ]

Teacher: Now, wait just a second! Wait just a second, everybody! Now, I think what Mr. Ramsey said is very important, and I want you all to think about it. Okay… you can go.

[ everyone rushes out of the classroom ]

Johnny: [ to Susie ] Hey, uh… see you after the big game tonight.

Susie: Okay, Johnny!

[ Johnny exits the classroom, as Susie pauses, then approaches Josh Ramsey ]

Susie: Uh — Mr. Ramsey, I wonder if I could come visit you at the Clinic?

Josh Ramsey: Sure. Why not after school?

Susie: Well… I’d have to skip cheerleader practice, but… I guess it’s kind of important.

[ music sting, as we dissolve to the exterior of the V.D. Clinic ]

[ dissolve to school hallway, as two cheerleaders meet at the lockers ]

Cheerleader #1: It isn’t like Susie to miss practice!

Cheerleader #2: I hope there isn’t anything wrong!

Cheerleader #1: God… I hope not!

[ dissolve to V.D. Clinic, zoom in to window ]

[ dissolve to Susie in Josh Ramsey’s office ]

Susie: …So I decided to come see you.

Josh Ramsey: I’m glad you did, Susie. It certainly sounds like V.D. to me.

Susie: Do I get my penicillin shot now?

Josh Ramsey: Well, let’s wait until the tests come back. But NO SEX, Susie!

Susie: Oh, I know. Well… thanks. I guess I’ll go now.

Josh Ramsey: Fine — as soon as you give me the list of your sexual contacts.

Susie: [ worried ] Sexual contacts?

Josh Ramsey: Yes. You know — any boys you’ve had sex with. Or girls. [ Susie gasps ] Not — there’s nothing to be embarrassed about!

Susie: [ sobbing ] But… I can’t!

Josh Ramsey: Susie… friends with whom you’ve had sex with could suffer irreversible physical and mental damage, if you don’t tell me who they are!

Susie: But… but JOHNNY!!

Josh Ramsey: [ he grabs a pen and writes ] Johnny? Johnny who?

Susie: We were gonna get married! If he finds out I have V.D., he’ll know I had sex with someone else.

Josh Ramsey: Maybe he gave it to you.

Susie: Nooo. Johnny’s super-straight! I must have gotten it that one time, that one STUPID time!

Josh Ramsey: Susie… you owe it to the other boy and, most of all, you owe it to Johnny. Now, tell me — Johnny’s last name?

Susie: I can’t! I love him!

Josh Ramsey: Don’t you realize — he’ll find out sooner or later!

Susie: No! Maybe he doesn’t have to. Maybe… I could get one of my girlfriends to SEDUCE him and… then he’ll think SHE gave it to him! It’s a weird idea, but a possiblity!

Josh Ramsey: Susie, you can’t play games with venereal disease. It’s a LOADED pistol pointed right at your CROTCH!

[ dissolve to Johnny and his teammate coming out of basketball practice ]

Teammate: I’m feeling great!

Johnny: Yeah, me, too, man! We’re gonna STOMP Washington tonight, for sure!

Teammate: Yeah!

Johnny: I gotta go to the bathroom.

Teammate: Okay.

[ Johnny enters the boy’s room ]

[ from within, he screams painfully, then emerges from the boy’s room ]

Johnny: Boy… my penis sure hurts when I urinate!

Teammate: [ thinking ] Hey… you heard what that guy from the health clinic said? Maybe you got V.D.!

Johnny: Ah, I gave that a thought, but it’s impossible! He said that the only way you can get V.D. is from sex. The only girl I’ve had sex with is Susie!

Teammate: Well, maybe she gave it to you.

Johnny: [ sour ] If you ever say that… about Susie again… I’ll KILL you!

Teammate: Okay… okay…

[ Johnny storms off, as his teammate makes faces in his wake ]

[ dissolve to stock footage of a basketball game being played, as an intercom irises in the middle ]

Intercom V/O: Your attention, please. Your attention, please. Anyone who has had sex with Susie Edwards, please come to the First Aid station. She has venereal disease. Repeat: Anyone who has had sex with Susie Edwards, please report to the First Aid station immediately. She has venereal disease.

[ dissolve to the Ludlow household, as Johnny enters ]

Mr. Ludlow: Well, Son… I heard you won the game.

Johnny: Yeah.

Mr. Ludlow: [ chuckling ] It must feel great!

Johnny: Yeah. [ he sits next to his dad ]

Mrs. Ludlow: No. Something’s wrong. A mother can ALWAYS tell!

Mr. Ludlow: [ reading the newspaper ] Ah, there’s a picture in the paper of Susie Edwards. She’s a friend of yours, isn’t she, Johnny? [ he looks at the newspaper again ] It says here… she has venereal disease.

Mrs. Ludlow: Maybe you shouldn’t be seeing that kind of girl, Johnny.

Mr. Ludlow: [ still reading ] It says here that health authorities are looking for two boys who have had sex with her — one named Johnny.

Mrs. Ludlow: Johnny?!

Mr. Ludlow: Johnny? Have you been… being with Susie Edwards?!

Johnny: Yes! I’ve had SEX with her, if THAT’S what you mean!

Mrs. Ludlow: OHHH, MYYY GODDDD!!

Mr. Ludlow: HOW DARE YOU HAVE SEX!! [ he swats Johnny with his newspaper ] Did you do it with any OTHER LITTLE SLUTS?!!

Johnny: NO!!! I loved Susie! I wanted to marry her!

Mr. Ludlow: [ outraged ] MARRY her?!! How could you want to marry a girl you’ve had SEX with?! My mother once told me: “Why eat GARBAGE on your wedding night when you can eat STEAK?!”

Johnny: [ crying ] I’m so confused!!

[ the doorbell rings ]

Mr. Ludlow: The doorbell! Who could THIS be at THIS time of night?!

[ he answers the door to Susie and Josh Ramsey ]

Josh Ramsey: Hi. I’m Josh Ramsey: V.D. Caseworker. [ he shakes Mr. Ludlow’s hand ] You must be Johnny’s father.

Mr. Ludlow: Yes… I am.

Josh Ramsey: If it’s okay, we’d like to have a few words with you.

Mr. Ludlow: Does she have to come in?

Josh Ramsey: I think it’s the right thing to do, Mr. Ludlow.

Mrs. Ludlow: [ upset ] Alright! She can come in, but she CAN’T use the BATHROOM!!

Susie: [ sobbing ] Thank you, Mrs. Ludlow… [ she sits next to Johnny ]

Johnny: Well — if she’s coming in, I’m leaving!

Josh Ramsey: Now, wait a minute, Johnny! Susie came here at MY insistence.

Susie: I’m sorry I hurt you, Johnny! I hope you don’t HATE me!

Johnny: I’m sorry, but… I do.

Josh Ramsey: It’s okay to hate her, Johnny. She knew the risks she was taking when she had sex with another boy.

Susie: It was just ONCE! I SWEAR it!

Johnny: I’m sorry, but I can’t believe you any more, Susie. I never want to see you again!

[ the phone rings ]

Mrs. Ludlow: I’ll get it! [ she answers the phone ] Hello?

Voice on Phone: Hello. This is the County Health Clinic. Is V.D. Caseworker Josh Ramsey there?

Mrs. Ludlow: Yes, he is. Mr. Ramsey, it’s for you.

Josh Ramsey: Oh. Thank you, Mrs. Ludlow. [ he takes the phone ] Josh Ramsey.

Voice on Phone: Josh — those test results are in on the Edwards girl. It’s not gonnorhea — she’s got a simple yeast infection.

Josh Ramsey: Ahhhh. Thank you, Seth.

Voice on Phone: Check that.

[ Josh Ramsey hangs up the phone ]

Josh Ramsey: Well, say, everybody. I have some interesting news. It seems that Susie doesn’t have venereal disease after all. It’s just a simple yeast infection.

Mr. Ludlow: Yeast infection?

Josh Ramsey: Yes. An unpleasant infection caused by any number of things, but NOT V.D. Well, I guess you won’t be needing that penicillin shot, Susie.

Johnny: [ confused ] But how come my penis hurts so much when I urinate?

Josh Ramsey: Well… it’s probably non-specific urinthritis aggravated by Susie’s yeast infection. Nothing serious, Johnny. Just ease off sex for a while, stay away from alcohol, and drink a lot of cranberry juice… you’ll be fine.

Susie: [ sweetly ] Johnny… do you still hate me?

Johnny: [ he grins ] Yes. I still hate you.

[ SUPER: “THE END” ]

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 22nd, 1978

Steve Martin

The Blues Brothers

None

None

Paul Shaffer

Tom Davis

Jim Downey

Brian Doyle-Murray

Al Franken

Mitchell Laurance

Rosie Shuster

Howard Shore

Anne Beatts

Tom Schiller
Rock ConcertSummary: Don Kirshner (Paul Shaffer) introduces brothers Jake (John Belushi) and Elwood Blues (Dan Aykroyd), who perform “Hey, Bartender”.

Recurring Characters: Don Kirshner, Elwood Blues, Jake Blues.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin performs a magic trick that involves pickpocketing an unsuspecting audience member (Bill Murray).

First Hosted: 76e.

Transcript

Hey You!Summary: Woman (Gilda Radner) garners attention by using the perfume for one-night stands.

Note: Repeat from: 77g.

The Festrunk BrothersSummary: Georg (Steve Martin) and Yortuk Festrunk (Dan Aykroyd) are glum when Cliff (Garrett Morris) convinces them they’ve been “hosed” by a couple of chicks (Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner) who have kept them waiting so they can pick up borth control devices at the Statue of Liberty.

Recurring Characters: Georg Festrunk, Yortuk Festrunk, Cliff.

Transcript

Theodoric of York, Medieval BarberSummary: Theodoric of York (Steve Martin) improvises medicinal tactics even though it remains an unperfected art in the medieval age.

Recurring Characters: Theodoric of York, Broom Gilda.

Transcript

Dancing In The DarkSummary: Time stands still as strangers (Steve Martin, Gilda Radner) dance wildly through a swanky nightclub.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Dan Aykroyd pays Garrett Morris to pick up a supply of marijuana so he can perform a paraquat test. Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin perform a Point/Counterpoint on federal aid for abortions.

Transcript

Steve Martin performs “King Tut”Transcript

Love StorySummary: Husband (John Belushi) and wife (Jane Curtin) fill each other with tales of extramarital affairs in order to help get themselves in the mood for one another in the bedroom.

Transcript

Swan Lake BalletSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, ballerinas perform “Swan Lake” alongside hip hop dancers.

Troff ‘n’ BrewSummary: Business executives (Steve Martin, Bill Murray, Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris, Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi) feast like hogs at the trendy Troff ‘n’ Brew restaurant.

Transcript

Nerds Science FairSummary: Lisa Loopner (Gilda Radner) and Todd DiLaMuca (Bill Murray) enter their Dialing For Toast exhibit in the school Science Fair, where they compete against Charles “The Spaz” Knerlman (Steve Martin) and his scret project.

Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Charles Knerlman.

The Blues Brothers perform “I Don’t Know”

Next Week In ReviewSummary: Maxine Universe (Laraine Newman) moderates as psychics (Steve Martin, Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin) predict world events of the very-near future.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Dancing In The Dark

Man…..Steve Martin
Woman…..Gilda Radner

[ open on a disco bar, people dancing and having fun ]

[ slow pan to Man sitting at bar alone lighting a cigarette, his eyes happento gaze on Her – Woman sitting at a table with two friends, who turns tonotice Him looking at her. He gets up, suave, reaches for her, as timestands still around them. He drops his cigarette to the floor, and togetherthey crush it with their feet, the moment beginning. ]

[ He takes her hand, and they dance straight across the floor. He runsahead, she follows behind, as he takes her hand and spins her in a circle.One foot in front of the other, they dance further across the room, thenseparate hands and throw them wildly in the air as they continue to dance,straight out of the scene and amongst the audience. He grabs her, and dipsher. They sit on the apron of the stage for a second, then she gets up anddances through the audience to the top of the stage they just sat below. Hefollows her atop the stage, retreats, then runs back up as she jumps intohis arm and he spins her around three times. They rub their backs on oneanother, then twist around, grab hands, stretch out and spin three moretimes. She falls into his chest, as he drags her to the back of the stage.He then grabs her raised leg and spins her around twice. They dart towardeach end of the stage, then he jumps down the steps so she can jump into hisarms. ]

[ Maniacally now, he carries her to her table and drops her back intoher chair. Then, as if nothing had happened between them, he returns to hisbar stool and lights another cigarette, as time returns to an animated state, and they remain strangers in the night. ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Two Wild and Crazy Guys

Yortuk Festrunk…..Dan Aykroyd
Georg Festrunk…..Steve Martin
Cliff…..Garrett Morris
Fox #1…..Gild Radner
Fox #2…..Laraine Newman

[ those Wild and Crazy Guys, Yortuk and Georg Festrunk swingingly entertheir bachelor pad ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Oh, Georg my brother, there will certainly be alot of swinging in our bachelor pad tonight!

Georg Festrunk: [ laughing and swinging ] Hold it! Let’s catchsome rays!

Yortuk Festrunk: You and what Army! [ they both laugh andswing ] Forget about it! [ they swing-motion towards their wet bar ] Ah, that fox bar was really something tonight. It was no difficulty to see many swinging Americans enjoying each other a great deal.

Georg Festrunk: And here is a thing I will tell you: thattwo swinging foxes have the hots-on for us, and are coming here tonight to let us hold on to their big American breasts!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ pours some drinks ] Why not? There’s nothingpreventing them. After all, there is no other pair of Czech brothers who cruise and swing so successfuly in tight slacks!

Georg Festrunk: [ sips his drink and toasts Yortuk ] We are.. two wild and crazy guys!
Yortuk Festrunk: [ walks into the living room ] Oh, no.. our bachelor pad certainly is messed around. Soon, will be the foxes. Where is the portable floor vacuum that we brought with us from Czechoslavakia?

Georg Festrunk: Wait here now, and you’ll find out! [ hewheels out the oversized industrial floor vacuum – Yortuk sucks upeverything lying on their coffee table ] This floor vacuum is such awonderful household convenience that we’ve wanted for many years!

Yortuk Festrunk: Yes! Usually, in Czechoslavakia, only high party officials of the Communist Party can get them right away!

Georg Festrunk: I’m glad we were able to smuggle it out of Bratislava!

[ the doorbell rings ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Fox-es! [ they put the vacuum away and swing successfully to the front door to answer it – no foxes, just their neighbor Cliff ] Cliff? Look who it is standing here, our swinging American buddy, Cliff.

Georg Festrunk: Slap my hand, black soul man! [ extends his hand, Cliff slaps it ]

Cliff: [ extends his hand for a slap back, but Georg is mesmorized staring at his own slapped hand ] Uh, hi Georg, hi Yortuk. Hey, man, I was invited to this really hot party tonight. Do you guys wanna go?

Yortuk Festrunk: No way! That’s your funeral! [ laughs ]

Georg Festrunk: Don’t come crawling to us. Two hot fashion models from the fox bar will be here soon to give themselves to the Festrunk Brothers!

Cliff: [ perplexed ] You.. got two ladies coming here tonight? I don’t believe it.

Georg Festrunk: We cruised for them in our tight slacks which give us great bulges!

Cliff: Wait a minute.. if these chicks were so interested, why didn’t they just come back with you, man?

Yortuk Festrunk: Oh, we gave them the address to our bachelor pad. They had to go to the Statue of Liberty to pick up their birth control devices.

Cliff: Uh, what..? The Statue of Liberty..?

Georg Festrunk: They told us that in America, many American parkrangers distribute birth control devices.

Yortuk Festrunk: Poor foxes. Every time they are having sex, they must go to the closest national monument.

Cliff: O-kay.. Yortuk, George.. sit down for a minute, I’ve got to talk to you. [ they all sit down on the couch ] Now, these chicks.. are not going to show up.

Yortuk Festrunk: Who told you that?!

Cliff: Man, you guys have been hosed, baby.

Georg Festrunk: [ excited ] Hosed?! Count me in! [ he andYortuk laugh ]

Cliff: No, no, no, no.. Uh.. hosed.. tricked.. I mean, they stood you up, man. They’re not coming here. These ladies figured, “Hey, we got these two Czechoslavakian dudes trying to pick us up – what do they know? Let’s hose ’em.” These chicks were lying, man.

Georg Festrunk: [ sad ] I blame myself.

Yortuk Festrunk: This really bums me out.

Georg Festrunk: We sure have a drag.

Cliff: Hey, look.. you’re good guys, man. But sometimes you come on too strong, man. Now, when we’re out partying, if you want to score with girls, you can’t keep running around yelling.. [ stands up and imitates the brothers ] ..”Let’s swi-i-ing! You wanna swi-i-ing?” Man, you gotta be cool, man! You’re in America! This is America!

Yortuk Festrunk: Cliff, you’re standing on the base now. Tonight, we did not swing successfully. I’m gonna talk with my brother Georg. [ they communicate for a moment in their native language ] Cliff, we have decided the Festrunk Brothers do not cruise correctly for fozes.

Georg Festrunk: We will never swing again..

Cliff: Look, come on, you guys.. now, look, don’t take it so hard. Let’s go to that party, man!

[ the doorbell rings ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Who can this be?

Georg Festrunk: Someone for Cliff..

[ they move slowly to the door, barely swinging – but it’s the foxes ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Now are the foxes!!

Georg Festrunk: Hey, foxes! Clean up your act! [ the brothers laugh ]

Fox #1: Hi, Yortuk. Hi, Georg. Sorry we’re late.

Yortuk Festrunk: No hassles, man. Hey! Listen to Georg’s joke!

Georg Festrunk: Okay! [ to Fox #2 ] “How many astro-sign medallions can you wear?”

Fox #2: I don’t know, I..

Georg Festrunk: “Next time, try five of them!” [ the brothers laugh ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Let’s go, chicks! Le-e-et’s swing!

[ they swing towards the bedroom – Georg notices Cliff still sitting onthe couch ]

Georg Festrunk: It’s okay, Cliff. Many American girls enjoy you, too. They enjoy your protruding buttocks all the time!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ at the wet bar with the girls ] So get off myback, you big sex machine! Let’s get it on!

Georg Festrunk: So, now you know. We are.. two wild andcrazy guys!

[ pan out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Is Roy Rogers Trigger-Happy?” ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Shop this Summer’s hottest t-shirts!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Goodnights

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: I think this has been a great show tonight, and I’m really happy to be here. I really want to thank, individually, the members of “Saturday Night”… because they’ve really been — [ moves his hand in a talking motion ] “Yeah, you’re a great show… yeah, yeah, yeah…” A great pee — proo — people of group to be with! I — I mean that sincerely when I say that, too! So, thanks a lot! We’ll see you — I don’t know how soon!

[ Steve waves to the crowd as the cast join him on stage ]

Announcer: Next week: Watch an encore performance of “Saturday Night Live”, with host Mary Kay Place and musical guest Willie Nelson. We’ll return live in three weeks on Saturday night, May 13th, when our host will be Richard Dreyfuss. And I’m here ALL THE TIME, if anyone wants to listen. This is Don Pardo, saying… “Good night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12

77k: Chevy Chase / Billy Joel

No Funny Ending

Old Woman #1…..Laraine Newman
Old Woman #2…..Gilda Radner
Old Woman #3…..Jane Curtin
Land Shark…..Chevy Chase
Rod Serling…..Dan Aykroyd
Truman Capote…..John Belushi
Director…..Bill Murray
Archbishop of Canterbury…..Garrett Morris

[ open on three elderly ladies sitting around a kitchen table ]

Old Woman #1: Look! Here’s our “Charlie’s Angels” on the cover of TV Guide!

Old Woman #2: Oooooh, lovely girl, that Cheryl Ladd!

Old Woman #3: Lovely hair!

Old Woman #1: Lovely. Mind you, I don’t paricularly fancy Kate’s hair.

Old Woman #3: But do you supose Sharon next to Jacqueline and Cheryl’s hair?

Old Woman #2: I don’t see the both of them beating down YOUR door, now do I? Besides, Kate’s hair can ACT!

Old Woman #1: Well… I miss Farrah’s hair. It had so much body.

Old Woman #3: Farrah’s hair had more body than her body.

Old Woman #2: Anyway, none of them ever had the mange — knock on wood!

[ she taps on the tabletop ]

Old Woman #3: Mark my words: One day they’ll catch their death of cold, running after criminals with their ninnies jumping out of their t-shirts.

Old Woman #1: Mmm, they ought to wrap up more.

Old Woman #2: Yes! It’s not decent!

Old Woman #3: Mmm-mmm.

Old Woman #2: Lovely girls, though.

Old Woman #1: Lovely t-shirts.

Old Woman #3: Lovely ninnies.

Old Woman #1: Lovely.

[ a knock at the door ]

Old Woman #2: Who is it? Come on in!

[ Chevy Chase enters ]

Chevy Chase: Hey, girls? We’re running a bit late. It’s a very cute bit, but —

Old Woman #2: Look, look, look! It’s our son… Nigel!

The Women: Nigel, Nigel, Nigel…!!

Chevy Chase: Girls, you want to wind this up? I have a long speech prepared for the ending, and this thing is getting that way. If you don’t mind, I’m a little concerned that —

Gilda Radner: Go away, Chevy!

Chevy Chase: From a guy who’s had his own special, this piece is going nowhere. You know what I mean? No finish.

Gilda Radner: Chevy, would you go away!

Chevy Chase: Have you got a finish? An ending?

Gilda Radner: Yes! Garrett comes in as the Archbishop of Canterbury, and we hit him with our purses! It’s a real funny ending.

Chevy Chase: I don’t think that ending’s gonna work. It’s strange, and, uh… I came out here, you know? And I had a funny ending for you… and now, I don’t know what happened. I know I’m here. It’s almost like there’s no way out of this scene. I — I —

[ “Twilight Zone” theme pots up, as the camera pans off the set into a dark area of the stage where Rod Serling sits ]

Rod Serling: Submitted for your approval: Four performers trapped in a scene without an ending. What do they resort to? They resort to me, a man with no lip but an imagination that unlocks doors. Hoping I’ll bail them out with this cheap Rod Serling impression, to give this scene an ending in… “The Twilight Zone.”

[ dissolve to “Twilite Zone” card with accompanying music sting ]

[ cut to that image on a TV screen, as the camera pans across the stage to reveal Truman Capote ]

Truman Capote: Well, isn’t that marvelous! I love Rod Serling, I think he’s wonderful. He’s so much like Parandel — I love the little TWIST to the story. I think that what we’ve seen here, uh, proves decisively that head humor is not dead. Well, this wraps up another episode of “Belushi’s Capote Might Be The Ending We’re Looking For”.

[ camera pulls back to reveal that Capote isn’t wearing pants ]

Director: Cut! Cut! Cut, cut, cut!

[ reveal full stage, as the Director storms in ]

Director: John, baby, I’m sorry! Capote was beautiful, it was terrific! You were great! But you’re NOT wearing any PANTS, dude!

John Belushi: That’s the ending. That’s the funny ending, man. I don’t have any pants on. It’s kind of English, you know what I mean? It’s just that, you know, we’re almost out of the scene.

Director: Well, John, that is the kind of experimental stuff you can do on our own program. Alright? I’m sorry, but I CAN’T live with those legs! It is a WRAP on the underwear look, okay? [ looking offstage ] Wardrobe! Get in here!

[ the three elderly women rush into the sceen with a pair pants and chatter wildly as they brush Belushi’s face with a short broom ]

John Belushi: Wait a minute… wait a minute… Hey! Come on! Are you a bunch of total lame-os? What’s going on here? There is no ending to this scene! The scene has NO ending! There’s only ONE way out of this scene, and that’s to have a heart att–

[ suddenly, Belushi drops to the floor, a victim of a fake heart attack ]

Director: Alright, smooth move, John. Heart attack. Great! Now, I’m gonna have to catch you girls later —

[ suddenly, Murray drops to the floor, a victim of a fake heart attack ]

Gilda Radner: Boy, that’s real great for the guys, but women have a lower rate of —

[ suddenly, Gilda drops to the floor, a victim of a fake heart attack ]

Laraine Newman: Oh, noooo… You guys aren’t going to sleaze out of this scene, I’m —

[ suddenly, Laraine drops to the floor, a victim of a fake heart attack ]

Jane Curtin: And now, a film by Gary waaa–!!

[ suddenly, Jane drops to the floor, a victim of a fake heart attack ]

[ the doorbell rings ]

Voice: Uh — Mrs. Folla– Follaten?

[ super: “JAWS V” ]

[ Gilda jumps up to answer the door ]

Gilda Radner: Who is it?

Voice: Mrs. Arlllllles…?

Gilda Radner: What?

Voice: Mrs… Or — Orphlewaite…?

[ Laraine stands and approaches the door ]

Laraine Newman: There’s no “Mrs. Orphlewaite” here! What do you want?

Voice: Candygram.

Gilda Radner: We’re on diets! Go away!

[ Jane stands and approaches the door ]

Voice: Um… your limosine is ready, Ma’am…

Jane Curtin: We didn’t order any limosine!

Voice: Um… funny ending for a scene, Ma’am…

Girls: [ excited ] COME ON IN!!!

[ they open the door, as the Land Shark pokes his head in and drags them into the hall ]

[ SUPER: “THE END?” ]

[ dissolve to kitchen setting, as Garrett Morris, dressed as the Archbishop of Canterbury, finally rushes in ]

Garrett Morris: Heyyyyyyyyyy….? [ to the camera ] What’s happening? I guess I’m a little late, huh? Because there was supposed to be some white folks back here. So, I guess I’ll just… [ as he dances ] “Shuffle off to Buffalo…! Shuffle off to Buaffalo…! Shuffle off to Buffalo…!” [ he exits the room, then reopens the door and does his Poeky Pig impression ] That’s all, folks! [ he closes the door ]

[ Chevy, in his Land Shark head, rushes into the scene ]

Chevey Chase: Well, good night, everybody!

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Member of Audience on Camera” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 12

77k: Chevy Chase / Billy Joel

Sermonette

The Most Reverend Archbishop Maharishi O’Mulliganstein, D.D.S……Chevy Chase

Announcer: And now, as we come to the end of another broadcast day… we offer you these words of inspiration. Tonight’s message is from the Church of Confusion. Our Sermonette this evening will be delivered by his Confused Holiness, the Most Reverend Archbishop Maharishi O’Mulliganstein, D.D.S.

[ dissolve to His Holiness at the pulpit ]

The Most Reverend Archbishop Maharishi O’Mulliganstein, D.D.S.: Good afternoon! And thank you, Father-in-Law… for guiding us through another day. As the prophet Lao said at the bottom of the mountain when he first saw the first glimmer of the haze of confusion: “Baruka taw alouit et jean tia… Caveat emptor. Eat the wafer, Maria. Hi. How are you? Ohmmmmmmm…” And thee confused deity speaketh under Krishna. He said, “Bill. E pluribus unum, and Troy, there lies the scene. Close cover before striking. Please keep your feet off the jumpseat. Bhagavad Gita. Amen. And, Bill? Understood!” You see: He, too, is confused.

Fellow, Confuseds, we must reaffirm our confusion every day. Zeus loves you! He loves allllll Mormons. [ singing ] “Rooooooock of ages! Take my wiiiiiiife!” Prepare to drink from the kiddish cup. For as God giveth… he also giveth. I’m reminded this ash of the story called “Bow to the Koran and the Anal Annex of Confucius.” About a man who wandered aimlessly throughout his… life and this story, for 40 days and 50 nights… when he came upon a clearing. Before him were five roads. Five roads not taken, and MILES to go before they slept! Now, he was truly confused. “Which road should I take?” It was a rhetorical question, for the traveler knew nor where he was going, but not where he had come from. But then, a sign appeared before him. A sign from above. A star rose in the heavens. The wind howled from the west. The Red Sea parted. A pyramid fell, and a baby cried. And… ANOTHER sign! Like THUNDER! A small foreign car exploded, and… the traveler knew that he could no longer be driven out of the Promised Land. Bless you.

And, finally: The traveler came upon a giant footprint that he found… and he spaketh that this truly MUST be… the hand of God. And he was confuseth. He went to the foot of the mountain, and he cried, “Confused at last! Confused at last! Lou! LOu, Mr. Fields wants the rent!” We are confused at last.

And, so: As we prepare to meet another day… [he makes a series fo lewd hand gestures ] In closing, I would like to read from… well… Leviticus 1, Chapter 4, Jackson 5… [ he opens his gospel and reads ] “Take, eat. This is my body. How do you like it?” [ he closes his gospel ] So, in closing: May your trauma be fine, when combined with a conscientiously-applied program of oral hygeine and regular dental care. Amen. Good night. Hello!

[ dissolve to an audience wide shot, zoom in on a happy woman, with SUPER: “Plannig Tomorrow’s Breakfast” ]

[ fade ]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12

77k: Chevy Chase / Billy Joel

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd

…..Jane Curtin
…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Chevy CHase
…..Laraine Newman
…..Al Franken
…..John Belushi
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
…..Garrett Morris

Jane Curtin: Still to come: [ image: Sphinx statue ] Leon Spinx wins the heavyweight title. This and other stories on “Weekend Update”, next.

[ dissolve to black ]

[ open on Weekend Update set ]

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Brought to you by Pussywhip. Pussywhip, the first dessert topping for cats. Here are co-anchorpersons Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin.

Dan Aykroyd: I will be Dan Aykroyd.

Jane Curtin: And I am Jane Curtin.

Our top story tonight: More details on that H.R. “Bob” Haldeman book, “The Ends of Power”: Nixon stealing silverware, Nixon smearing oatmeal on his laps, Nixon killing a Cuban busboy, and a sad, embittered Nixon barking like a dog and sleeping in packing crates.

Haldeman expects the book to gross millions, and plans to use the money to reshape the top of his head, which currently looks like a putting green.

And in another story from Washington: Democratic congressman Daniel Flood, of Pennsylvania, being investigated for influence peddling, announced this week that he will enter Walter Reed Hospital next month, for surgery to have the mice removed from his nostrils.

Dan Aykroyd: [ he coughs into his hand ] Excuse me. Uh —

Well, what looks like a monumental breakthrough in birth control is being tested at Harvard Medical School. Payimg heed to the adverse effects of the pill, doctors are now experimenting with a modified version of the popular Rhythm Method. The new practice, tentatively referred to as the Rhythm and Blues Method, is a variation which involves coitus in the presence of B.B. King, Otis Redding, Wilson Pickett and Jr. Walker & The All-Stars.

Well, Billy Carter has bought a partnership in a weekly newspaper — The Plains Statesman. And, according to the Associated Press, the agreement was unpretentiously recorded on a simple brown paper bag. Afterwards, Billy celebrated the occasion in typical fashion by drinking a keg of beer and then throwing up into the agreeement.

Drain water and toilet bowl water, which up until now has swirled clockwise in countries located above the Equator, will now swirl counterclockwise. Scientists explain this is a result of the acquisition of western plumbing by more of the undeveloped nations below the Equator. They also warn that if this phenomenon isn’t accounted for in the southern hemisphere, the Earth will develop a wobble, throwing many pedestrians and cars into buildings, and the North Pole will slip down to St. Louis.

[ Dan’s desk phone rings ]

Dan Aykroyd: Uh… Aykroyd.

Voice: Long distance calling Dan Aykroyd. Is he there, please?

Dan Aykroyd: Yes? Go ahead. [ he shrugs to Jane ]

Voice: Mr. Aykroyd, there has been a…

Dan Aykroyd: What?

Voice: …Accident involving… mother’s very ill…

Dan Aykroyd: What?!

Voice: Uh, seriously…

Dan Aykroyd: An accident? My mother?! What?!

Voice: You’d better come here quick. She’s asking for you…

Dan Aykroyd: Okay, I’ll be right there! [ he hangs up ] I gotta split…

Jane Curtin: Oh, my God, I’m…

Dan Aykroyd: I don’t know what, uh…

Jane Curtin: It’s okay!

Dan Aykroyd: I have to! I really have to go… This is a family matter…

Jane Curtin: It’s okay, don’t worry about it…

Dan Aykroyd: [ running off-set ] CAN I GET A CAR WAITING FOR ME?!! QUICKLY!!

Jane Curtin: I’LL TAKE CARE OF IT, DAN! [ she faces the camera and smiles nervously ] I’m awfully sorry if anyone has any trouble in their family, but the show… must go on.

Tragedy struck in Fort Lauderdale, Florida this week, when the entire New York Yankee ball team was feeled and paralyzed by what was at first believed to be nerve gas coming from a nearby medical research base. It was later discovered that the gas was actually the late Babe Ruth’s breath, which had been trapped in a locker for years and had somehow leaked out onto the field.

[ reveal Chevy Chase suddenly sitting in Dan’s seat ]

[ the audience whoops and cheers, including one man who yells: “Alright!” ]

Chevy Chase: Just thought I’d… help out in a tragedy of that nature.

[ Chevy stares into the camera, then adjusts his position when the camera switches over to the Chroma-key view ]

Unaware that this picture was taken earlier this month, President Carter and French President ?? were distubed by rumors that they had leaked details of this meeting. Later, the rumors were eliminated, and the two presidents greatly releived.

In the world of horse racing, there’s still great speculation as to whether or not Seattle Slew will race again, or just be put out to stud. Meadow Muffin Farms, the syndicate that owns Seattle Slew, is still undecided. But when asked to comment, the former Triple Crown winner said: “You mean I have a choice, Wilbur?? I need a filly! I’m going blind from using my own hooves!”

Chevy Chase: Well, the 11-week United Mine Workers strike continues, and its effect is being felt in layoffs in the coal-dependent Midwest. But, of course, some of the hardest hit by the strike are the miners themselves. Laraine Newman is in Campbell Creek, West Virginia with this report. Laraine?

[ cut to Laraine Newman standing outside of a coal mine ]

Laraine Newman: Chevy. Coal mining. A dirty job. A dangerous job. Every year, scores of miners are KILLED in mining accidents. Those who survive to work long years often develop Black Lung Disease, as well as permanently dirty fingernails. [ a coal miner appears next to Laraine ] I’m standing with Ray Floyd, who has worked in the mines for over 20 years. Mr. Floyd, what’s holding up a settlement? Is it simply a matter of more money?

Ray Floyd: Uh… [ he coughs ] No., um… [ he coughs ] Uh, we want, uh, to keep the right to strike, so that we can get, uh… [ he coughs into his hand, spitting out a light sprinkling of black smoke ] Uh… a stricter enforcement of the, uh… [ he coughs into his hand, emitting more black smoke ]

Laraine Newman: Is it safety regulations? Safety?

Ray Floyd: [ he nods, then coughs more black smoke into his hand ] That’s right, um… And, uh, we want the Union Health Fund, uh… [ he coughs more black smoke ] to be totally reinstated, and, uh… a guarantee… [ he coughs much more black smoke through his hands ] by the… by the, uh… [ he coughs more black smoke ]

Laraine Newman: The union leadership?

[ he shakes his head No ]

Laraine Newman: Uh… federal government?

[ he shakes his head No ]

Laraine Newman: Oh… uh… How about the coal companies?

[ he shakes his head Yes ]

Laraine Newman: Oh, okay! Well, thank you, Mr. Floyd. Now back to our studio.

[ return to Chevy Chase ]

Chevy Chase: George Anderson, of the Toronto Institute for Animal Genetics, has succeeded in breeding a dog with a wastebasket for a head. Anderson said he’s now working on a cat shaped like a wad of paper, and hopes to market the pair as an inexpensive parlor game.

[ image: a morose clown ] Well… Bert Lance.

Jane Curtin: The FBI-CIA softball game — [ suddenly, her desk phone rings ] Excuse me. [ she picks up the phone ] Hello?

Voice: Miss Curtin — Long-distance calling, please.

Jane Curtin: Uh — Yes, this is Miss Curtin.

Voice: A horrible accident involving your mother… in New York State.

[ cut to long shot, revealing Chevy Chase on the other phone, holding his nose as he speaks into the receiver. He notices the camera focused on him, and slowly turns to Jane ]

Chevy Chase: It’s for you.

[ they both hang up ]

Jane Curtin: Nice try, Sparky!

Well, Father Time finally caught up with a tired, 68-year old Mohammed Ali last week, who lost a split decision to Leon Spinx, one of the UGLIEST heavyweight champs to come along in a long time.

After the fight on Wednesday, Spinx announced that he was a member of the Black Muslims and he no longer wants to be called by his Slave name of Leon spinx, and instead has adopted his Islamic name of Scarlett O’Hara.

Jane Curtin: Now, to give us his view on the title fight and a close look at the career of Mohammed Ali, is correspondent John Belushi. John?

John Belushi: Thank you, Jane. [ reading ] When the young light heavyweight, Cassius Clay, won the gold medal in Rome, it was a springboard for a career that included 57 fights with only 3 losses. This week, Ali lost for the third time in his career. In a 15-round split decision, Mohammed Ali lost the heavyweight championship to Leon Spinx. It was a brutal fight. By the end, Ali had no jabs. But, let’s face it — Spinx was damn lucky. Luckier than Norton, Shavers, and Jimmy Young, who all gave him a good fight. But, I mean — If you’re gonna beat the champion, you should beat him! You should knock him out, you should beat him up! You know, that’s what you should do. So I think he should… They’ll probably fight very soon. But when I think back — back to the Thrilla in Manila… the Zaire fight, which I saw on the big screen. It was the, uh… Manhattan Center, downtown across from the Garden. You wouldn’t believe it, it was a HUGE screen. We had to be let in the back door. I was with Brian Doyle Murray — Bill’s brother. We were trying to get in the back — There was this BLACK GANG that was terrorizing the place. They opened the door, we got HIT! You know. And them in the theater — Everybody started screaming and yelling, you know? Because they’re throwing chairs. You know? Because there was no picture. There was no picture! And I could have been hurt!

I mean, I’ve been in a few fights in my life, you know? [ he laughs ] I mean, I was in a bar one time, and, uh… I was just drinking, and, uh… this guy come up to me, taps me on the shoulder and says, “John?” I said, “Yes?” He says, “Somebody’s out there beating up your roommate.” You know? So I said, “Okay.” So I go outside, you know? And there’s my roommate — There’s Steve Bushakas out there with a big black eye. Okay? And two of my other friends — Tino and Jim — they’re out there, and they’re holding their noses. Blood’s coming out of their noses! So I turn around, I look, and there’s the BIGGEST guy I’ve ever seen in my life! You know? And he’s standing there like this, you know? [ he starts bouncing back and forth like a boxer ] So I said, “Hey! What’s going on?” I’m a little drunk, okay? And he says, “What’s it to ya’?!” Well! You know. Well, it turns out it was a fight over a girl’s purse or something — it’s always about soem girl… So I said, Look –” [ Jane taps him on the shoulder ] Wait a minute, wait! So I said, “Look! Hey, man — You think you’re real tough or something, huh? Yuo think you’re TOUGH?! Come on, man!!” And he beat me BLOODY, ’til my ears were bleeding like that. I could have stayed in the bar! But, nooooooooo!!! “Come out and help Steeeeeve, my friiiiiiiend!” He smashed me, he hit me! He PUNCHED me! He punched me in my face like it was a beanbag! You’re gonna take it, you’re gonna hear it rattle!!

But I think Ali WILL come back. I don’t think 36 is too old. You know, Ali can lose 20 pounds. 20 pounds! Get down to 204, you know, the wau they he fought Liston — He could do it! Weight loss is just a matter of self-discipline, doing soem running, some working out… If I’d lost 20 pounds, I might have taken that guy in the bar! Who knows, right? But you GOTTA be able to defend yourself! Everybody should be able to defend themself! Even women! ESPECIALLY, you women oughtta be able to defend yourself! Yuo know — with karate or keys in the fist, you know? Whatever you want! I mean, can you defend yourself, Jane? Do you know how to defend yourself, if someone were to JACK you?!

[ Jane stammers nervously in response ]

John Belushi: Alright, let’s just see! [ he grabs soem boxing gloves below the news desk ] Alright, this is just for your own protection. [ he puts on one of the gloves ] Alright, now if somebody comes up to you on the stret, say… Yuo kind of walk in, you’re kind of cool, you know you’re groovy-looking… So this guy comes up to you and says, “Hey, baby, come on, hey!” [ he jabs Jane playfully with the glove ] Come on, hit me! Hit me, come on!

Jane Curtin: I don’t want to hit you… I really son’t want to hit you…

John Belushi: Come on, come on…!

[ Jane resists, but John continues to egg her on and finally pounces her to the floor with his boxing gloves ]

John Belushi: Okay, it’s all yours, Chevy!

Chevy Chase: Well, the Winter situation in New York, the Great Lakes area, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New England states…

[ Emily Litella wanders in ]

Emily Litella: Chedder! Chedder Cheese! Chedder, I miss you!

Chevy Chase: [ pleased to see her ] How are you, Emily?

Emily Litella: Oh, kiss me on the lips! [ he kisses her ] Ohhhh, Chedder, I’ve missed you so much!

Chevy Chase: Are you doing okay, Emily?

Emily Litella: Oh, yes! Yes, but you know… I’m fine, but I haven’t been able to get much work lately.

Chevy Chase: Well, why not? What’s the matter?

Emily Litella: Well… Miss Clayotn doesn’t like me on the news! She says I’m irresponsible, and she keeps yelling at me whenever I make a little, teeny-tiny, little mistake!

Chevy Chase: Oh, I cannot believe that Jane Clayton is like that.

Emily Litella: Ohhhh, well, don’t be fooled by her, Chedder. I mean, that girl is Mussolini IN DRAG!! Really! She gets me SO riled, I get SO upset, I can’t believe it!

[ Jane stands up behind them, greatly annoyed at the sight of Emily Litella ]

Jane Curtin: YOU!! First, I get SLUGGED by Belushi… now, I gotta deal with YOU!! Just get out of here, will ya’, come on! [ Emily starts to laugh ] I said, SCRAM!! BEAT IT!! GET OUT OF HERE!!

Emily Litella: Oh, Miss Clayton! [ she keeps laughing ]

Jane Curtin: What’s so funny?

Emily Litella: Miss Clayton, you look like HELL!

Jane Curtin: That’s not funny!

Emily Litella: Well, uh… [ to Chevy ] I told you she couldn’t take a joke.

Chevy Chase: Take it easy, Jane. Don’t be so rough on her.

Jane Curtin: DON’T tell me how to act, DAMMIT!! This is MY news show now!! I’M the STAR of it!! YOU left, I took over and brought some INTEGRITY to it!! None of your schoolboy cuteness, mugging into the camera, talking like Mr. Ed…!

[ as Jane rants, Chevy makes his funny mocking faces to the camera ]

Jane Curtin: I’ve given this show CREDIBILITY!! I’ve given it STRAIGHTFORWARD, INFORMATIVE news!!

Emily Litella: But, Miss Clayton, I — I —

Jane Curtin: SHUT UP, you FEEB! [ to Chevy ] So what do YOU do?! Yuo come back, you give Danny soem story about his mother dying, try to pull the same thing on me, jsut to take over so you can satisfy your inflated ego! Well, go back to Hollywood and do it, ’cause it WON’T work here! This is MY show, and I WON’T be pushed around by Belushi, or YOU, or HER!! Am I making myself clear?

Emily Litella: Crystal clear, Miss Curtin. We’re sorry.

Chevy Chase: We are sorry, Jane. I didn’t mean to aggravate you like this, uh… I guess I just wanted to do “Update” one last time, and, uh… I’m sorry. It got carried away. Sorry.

Emily Litella: It won’t happen again!

Jane Curtin: [ pleased ] Well, see that it doesn’t.

[ Jane walks away ]

Emily Litella: On your mark… get set… GO!

Together: BITCH!!

[ Chevy kisses Emily goodbye as she rolls away ]

Chevy Chase: And now as a public service to those of our viewers who may be… oh, hard of hearing, I will reteat — pee, pee, pee! Pee pee pee, kaka! I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Assistant Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing — Mr. Garrett Morris. “Our to story tonight…”

[ Garrett appears in an insert over Chevy’s shoulder ]

Garrett Morris: OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT!!

Chevy Chase: “Haldeman says Nixon stole silverware…”

Garrett Morris: HALDEMAN SAYS NIXON STOLE SILVERWARE!!

Chevy Chase: “Smeared oatmeal on his lapels…”

Garrett Morris: SMEARED OATMEAL ON HIS LAPELS!!

Chevy Chase: “Killed a Cuban busboy…”

Garrett Morris: KILLED A CUBAN BUSBOY!!

Chevy Chase: “And slept in packing crates.”

Garrett Morris: AND SLEPT IN PARKING CRATES!! Crates?

Chevy Chase: That’s the news tonight. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Garrett Morris: GOOD NIGHT!! AND HAVE A pleasant… evening?

Chevy Chase: “Tomorrow.”

Garrett Morris: Tomorrow.

[ cut to Chevy sitting beside the Chromakey screen ]

Announcer: This portion of “Weekend Update” has been brought to you by Dis-O-Dent, the toothpaste preferred by the radical left.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12

77k: Chevy Chase / Billy Joel

Somewhere In France, 1944

Sarge … John Belushi
Wolinski … Chevy Chase
1st German … Bill Murray
2nd German … Dan Aykroyd
Washington … Garrett Morris

[Black and white stock footage of tanks in battle in the European theater of the Second World War. Ominous military music: brass and percussion. A superimposed text reads: “SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE 1944” — Dissolve to a trio of American soldiers guarding a dirt road. Thescene itself, like the stock footage, is in black and white.]

Sarge: Hey! You hear somethin’?

Wolinski: Yeah.

[The three soldiers grab their weapons and confront aslowly approaching motorcycle.]

Sarge: Halt! [The motorcyclist brakes and shuts offhis engine.] What’s the password?

1st German: [seated in the motorcycle’s sidecar, wearing monocle, speaking with a thick German accent] Apple.

Sarge: We’ve had reports there’s some jerries, uh, dressed up in GI uniforms tryin’ to sneak behind our lines. Yeah, we’re gonna have to ask you some questions.

1st German: Ya, das ist okay.

2nd German: [the motorcyclist, with an equally thick German accent] You can’t be too careful mit those krauts.

Sarge: What’s the capital of Illinois?

1st German: Shpringfield.

Sarge: How ’bout Oklahoma?

1st German: Oklahoma City.

Sarge: How many quarts in a gallon?

1st German: [counts on his fingers] Ein, zwei, drei … Four.

Sarge: [turns to the motorcyclist, jabs a pistol inhis side] You! Who was the Dragon Lady?

2nd German: In “Terry and the Pirates.”

Sarge: What color are the Yankees’ uniforms?

2nd German: Pinstriped, vhite mit gray.

Sarge: What’s a Texas Leaguer?

2nd German: A base hit in baseball that falls betweenze infield und the outfield.

1st German: [leans in, helpfully] Usually a zingle.

2nd German: Zo named for a minor league in Texas.

1st German: Capital, Austin.

2nd German: The weight of ze baseball — [turns smuglyto the 1st German who mouths it along with him:] –three point eight ounces!

Sarge: Okay, okay. Tell me who this is. Wolinski, doyour imitation.

Wolinski: All right, Sarge. [leans his rifle on the motorcycle and does a terrible imitation of American movie star James Cagney] You dirty rat! You killed my brother!

Sarge: [to the Germans] Okay, now, who was it?

[The 1st German whispers to the second.]

2nd German: [to Sarge] Paul Whiteman. [pronounces thefamous American bandleader’s name as “Viteman”]

Sarge: No, no, no, no. [to Wolinski] Try it again. Doit again. [to the Germans] He does it better. [toWolinski] Go ‘head.

Wolinski: [hands his rifle to the 2nd German] Holdthat for a sec, please. [does a slightly better Cagneyimitation] You dirty rat! You killed my brother!

[Sarge, Wolinski and the third American soldier,Washington, crack up at the imitation but the Germanshaven’t a clue who it is. They whisper and decide totake a guess.]

1st German: Ike. [The Americans instantly get tenseand raise their weapons at the Germans] No, not Ike.Uh, I meant, Walter Winchell. [pronounces the famousAmerican broadcaster’s name as “Valter Vinchell”]

Washington: Yeah! Say! That’s who I thought it waswhen I first heard it.

Sarge: [sighs, reluctantly] Well, okay. I guess youguys are okay. [the Americans relax and lower theirweapons] You know, you – you just can’t be toocareful, though. [Sarge takes out a pack of cigarettesand offers it to the Germans]

1st German: Cigarette?

Sarge: Yeah, here. [gives cigarettes to the Germans]

2nd German: You have to watch yourself very carefullyhere. Ya-hess!

Sarge: Yeah. Hey, you guys got a match?

1st German: Oh, yes.

Sarge: You know, we got plenty of cigarettes up here.They never send us any matches.

1st German: [lights cigarettes, hands matchbook toSarge] Mm. You can keep this.

Sarge: Hey, thanks a lot. [looks at matchbook] Hey,what’s this say? [reads aloud] Hofbrau Haus?

Wolinski: [peers over Sarge’s shoulder at matchbook] Berlin?

Sarge: Berlin! [The Americans grab their rifles, theGermans raise their hands in surrender, Wolinski andWashington pat down the Germans, looking for weapons]All right, krauts! Drop it, krauts! Drop it! Search’em! Watch out for booby traps!

Wolinski: Well, that was close, Sarge.

Sarge: That sure was.

Wolinski: These jerries almost got past us. [chuckles smugly]

Sarge: That’s right. But they didn’t! You just can’tbe too careful, you know? Ya can’t trust anybody!

Washington: That’s right. Say, Sarge, you know whatyou should have asked ’em? “Who is the manager of theCleveland Indians this year?” They couldn’t’veanswered that!

Sarge: Yeah. By the way, Washington … who is themanager of the Cleveland Indians this year?

Washington: Uh… you know, I’m not sure.

[Sarge and Wolinski turn their rifles on Washingtonwho drops his weapon.]

Sarge: Drop it, Washington! Kraut! Drop it!

Washington: [hands raised in surrender, Wolinski patshim down] Huh?

Sarge: Drop it! All right, now, Wolinski?!

Wolinski: Yeah, Sarge?

Sarge: Who’s the manager of the Indians?

Wolinski: Heh, heh, I don’t know, Sarge.

Sarge: [points rifle at Wolinski who drops gun, raiseshands] Drop it! Drop it! I can’t believe it! My ownmen — lousy jerries! I don’t believe it! Just goes toshow you can’t trust anybody!

Wolinski: Hey, Sergeant.

Sarge: What?

Wolinski: Well, you mind if I ask you somethin’?

Sarge: What?

Wolinski: Who is the manager of Cleveland, uh, this year?

Sarge: It’s, uh … uhhh … [horrible realization] Oh, no. I’m a … [drops his rifle] … kraut! [raises his hands]

[The five of them remain where they are — the Germansseated on their motorcycle, the Americans standingbeside it — with their hands in the air, as we pullback and fade out to applause and more ominousclimactic music.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:



Cameos:

Bit Players:


February 25th, 1978

O.J. Simpson

Ashford & Simpson

Al Franken

Tom Davis

None

Don Novello

Mitchell Laurance

Neil Levy

Tom Schiller

Anne Beatts

Yvonne Hudson
Audience QuestionsSummary: Stumped for an original opening for the show, Gilda Radner fields selected questions from audience members named Kevin.

Transcript

Montage

O.J. Simpson’s MonologueSummary: While wearing a conehead, O.J. Simpson tells the audience how he achieved his various life goals, including gaining the opportunity to host “SNL”.

Samurai Night FeverSummary: Futuba (John Belushi) hits the dance floor and introduces disco to his brother (O.J. Simpson) the fallen priest.

Recurring Characters: Futaba.

Great Moments In SportsSummary: A beer-guzzling Babe Ruth (John Belushi) can’t keep good on his promise to hit a home run for a sick boy (Garrett Morris).

Recurring Characters: Babe Ruth.

Transcript

Ashford & Simpson perform “So, So Satisfied”

Mohawk MasterSummary: Spokesman (Dan Aykroyd) uses dual clippers to perfect his punk look.

The Raid On NicosiaSummary: Recent events are the focus of a star-studded TV-movie.

Recurring Characters: Robert Stack, Ed Asner, Tony Orlando, Valerie Harper.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: O.J. Simpson is named during an interview in the locker room with Laraine Newman. Roseanne Roseannadanna’s (Gilda Radner) comments on dental hygeine take a gross turn.

Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Football Voodoo

The Franken & Davis ShowSummary: Al Franken attempts to perform jokes with Tom Davis despite suffering from a massive brain tumor.

Mandingo IISummary: Masters and slaves reign hot passion in the ultimate censor test.

E. Buzz Miller’s Animal KingdomSummary: E. Buzz Miller (Dan Aykroyd) gets excited while watching videos of various insects performing copulation.

Recurring Characters: E. Buzz Miller, Christy Christina.

Transcript

HertzRecurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Ashford & Simpson perform “Don’t Cost You Nothing”

Celebrity Battle of the Sexes & RacesSummary: Phyllis George (Jane Curtin) covers the scene at the Celebrity Battle of the Sexes & Races, in which Black men O.J. Simpson and Leon Spinks (Garrett Morris) compete against White women Sandy Duncan (Laraine Newman) and Marie Osmond (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Brent Musburger, Sandy Duncan, Marie Osmond, Leon Spinks.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable