Category: 1977

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 15

77o: Christopher Lee / Meat Loaf

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd

…..Jane Curtin
…..Dan Aykroyd
Kevin Scott…..John Belushi
…..Bill Murray

Jane Curtin: [ image: dog ] David Brenner looks back. This story and more, on “Weekend Update”, coming up.

[ fade to black, open on wide view of news set ]

Announcer: And now “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Brought to you by Aqua Velveeta, the man’s after-cheese lotion. And now, here are anchorpersons Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin.

Dan Aykroyd: Good evening, I’m Da Aykroyd.

Jane Curtin: And I’m Jane Curtin, and I’m wearing a new suit.

our top story tonight: [ image: backside of man wearing only shorts ] Hamilton Jordan was back in the news this week, when he tried to leave a Washington restuarant without paying his check. The fun-loving White House aide explained he had forgotten his wallet.

In the Middle East, Israel has been under criticism for what some people consider an excessive show of force in Lebanon, in response to last week’s P.L.L. terrorist attack. [ image: Moshe Dayan with eyepatch ] Foreign Minister Moshe Dayan defended the invasion, citing the biblical shibboleth “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” has always been Israel’s policy. Well, last night a P.L.L. terrorist took him at his word, and snuck into Dayan’s bedroom and took one of the foreign minister’s bicuspids. [ image: same, but now with blackened front tooth ]

State Senator Lori Wilson of Cocoa Bech, Florida has introduced a bill outlawing pay toilets in public places. Miss wilson called them the “most basic form of economic discrimination”, which hits hardest at women and chldren As she puts it, “I have never heard of a pay urinal in this or any other state.” Our Update sources tell us that, while the installation of pay urinals doesn’t appear plausible, Miss Wilson will settle for a compromise, calling for trousers to be equipped with pay zippers.

Comedian Bill Cosby, opera star Beverly Sills, country singer Johnny Cash, and L.A. anchorperson Connie Chung got together this week and formed a new singing group. However, they can’t think of a name for the act. If you have a suggestion, send it to “Cosby, Sills, Nash, and Chung”, in care of “Weekend Update.”

Dan Aykroyd: Well, nostalgia stuill seems to be dominating the theater this season. The most popular new show on Broadway is a production called “BeatleManiaMania”, a recreation of the original rip-off of The Beatles experience. Saty its producers, “It’s not Beatlemania, but an incredible simulation.”

This week, a supertanker roke off of France’s Brittany coast, in what is noe the worst oil spill in history, polluting the coastline and killing marine life. Oil spills are an almost regular phenomenon on this planet, so, here with an in-depth analysis of the problem, is “Update”‘s own Kevin Scott.

[ pull out to reveal John Belushi playing with a toy supertanker ]

Dan Aykroyd: Kevin Scott. Kevin? [ Belushi continues playing ] Kevin? John!

Kevin Scott: [ looking up ] Yeah? [ it finally hits him ] Oh! Right, right. Thanks, Dan. You know, this week’s wreck illustrates problems with the new generation of giant tankers. First of all, they’re not easily maneuverable, uh, making it very difficult to steer, and a lot of them have problems with, uh, swaying back and forth. [ he leans the toy supertanker to one side, splashing oil onto Dan Aykroyd ] Oh, I’m sorry, Dan! I’m sorry. Swaying back and forth… Now, if you look at these tankers, you’ll see that — [ he rubs oil from his hands and wipes it on Dan’s shirt ] Sorry, Dan. You alright? Good man! Come on, come here! [ Dan backs away slowly ] Hey! [ he stretches his arm out and wipes oil on Dan’s shirt and laughs ] The situation’s aggravating because the ship lost power, you understand? Okay, uh — further, it has an enormous length — [ he swings the toy supertanker toward Dan, as Dan flinches ] Take a look at this! Enormous length, you know what I mean? Metal plates at the hull. You know, you don’t want to create more pressure, the ship flexes. The POUNDING sea, back and forth — [ he swings the supertanker back and forth toward Dan ] You know? So if you’re on one of these, Dan — [ he pounds the supertanker on the desk, breaking it ] It might break in half! [ he snaps the supertanker in half ] You never know? You know, it’s good to wear an old suit, because you could get, uh… you could get pretty messy, huh, Danny? [ he puts his oily hands on Dan’s face ]

Dan Aykroyd: Thank you. Thank you very much. Back to you, Jane.

Jane Curtin: Heavyweight champion Leon Spinks, this week, was arrested for driving the wrong way on a One Way street… and for driving without a license, sued for back rent by his Philadelphia landlord, and stripped of his title by the World Boxing Council. Reached for comment, Spinks said, “At least I still have my good looks!”

In a related story, Spinks said he would fight Norton sometime this summer. [ image: Ed Norton from “The Honeymooners” ]

Jane Curtin: The Writers Guild of America-East has called a strike against the popular children’s educational program “sesame Street”. Now, for our young viewers, Dan and I would like to explain what is meant by a “strike”. First: The complaint is called “Un…” [ SUPER: “UN” ]

Dan Aykroyd: “Fair.” [ SUPER: “FAIR” ]

[ the words come together ]

Together: “Unfair!”

Jane Curtin: And the demonstration following the complaint is called: “Pic…” [ SUPER: “PIC” ]

Dan Aykroyd: “Ket.” [ SUPER: “KET” ]

[ the words come together ]

Together: “Picket!”

Jane Curtin: And a person who crosses a picket line is called a: “Sc…” [ SUPER: “SC” ]

Dan Aykroyd: “Ab.” [ SUPER: “AB” ]

[ the words come together ]

Together: “Scab!”

Jane Curtin: Now, let’s review what we’ve just learned. “Picket.”

Dan Aykroyd: “Scab.”

Jane Curtin: Don’t. It might get infected. That’s the lesson for tonight, children — now go to bed!

And now, with this week’s movie news, here is the Party Animal himself — Bill Murray.

Bill Murray: Thank you, Jane. [ he holds up his Oscar board ] Well, the Oscars are coming up, April 3rd, and here are my predictions, everybody. For Best Actress — Shirley MacLaine and Anne Bancroft were both nominated for “The Turning Point”, and given the block voting that goes on at the Hollywood studios, their votes are probably gonna be split, and these two stars will have to go home crushed and defeated. [ he pulls their names off the board ] Ouch, huh? Jane Fonda. Well, Jane is gonna win next year, I think, for “Coming Home”, so chin up, little girl, save your money for next year’s dress, huh? But no bitterness, Jane, please? Thank you. [ he pulls her name off the board ] Marsha Mason? Marsha Mason is Neil Simon’s wife, and Neil wrote “Goodbye Girl” just to get her out of the house, I think, and I don’t think the Academy will bother to honor the Simons just so long as their marriage is working, and, let’s face it — theirs is one of the most successful marriages in Hollywood. [ he toasts his hand ] Hey — here’s to you two, and I mean it! [ he pulls her name off the board ] Diane Keaton? Well, everybody’s been loving you since “Godfather II”, honey, and now we’ve got a chance to show you how we feel. [ he slides her name to top of the board ] I think you’ve got in the bag, so remember to just be yourself and don’t let that pretty little head swell, okay? Alright!

Best Actor. John Travolta? Tv actor. Uh-uh. No way. No way. If he thinks he’s gonna hold that precious piece of gold over his head and wave to all of the people who helped — and there were so many people — he’s crazy. It’ll be over the dead, stiff, and lifeless bodies of the members of the Academy. Besides — John was scheduled to do our show, and backed out and cancelled at the last minute, so this little weasel can go to Brazil and make movies, for all I care. [ he tosses Travolta’s name from the board to huge applause ] Woody Allen? The Wood-man is so much more than an actor, it’s not even funny. That’s why I don’t think he’s gonna get this one. But the Academy must honor him in some way, and I think it’s gonna be the Irving Thalberg Award for meritory service to the industry, and he deserves it, too. [ he pulls his name from the board ] Uh — Richard Dreyfuss? Uh… he’s too young, that’s all. And he’s also careless with his personal appearance, and the Academy doesn’t like that, either. Not this year, Rick — sorry! [ he pulls his name from the board ] Nice work in “Close”, though. Mastrioni? He’s foreign. People don’t like foreignors. [ he pulls his name from the board ] Chevalier never won an Oscar, am I right? Okay. Richard Burton. I know what you’re thinking — a foreignor. Uh-uh. Fickle Academy, this year. I think they’ll give it to Dick… to makwe up for losing Liz Taylor. When he lost Liz… he lost everything.

Hey — Best Supporting Actress and Actor? Who cares, really? [ he shoves all the names off the board ]

Best Film? “Julia”? Well… didn’t see it. Sorry! [ he yanks it from the board ] “Turning Point”? I didn’t see it. [ he yanks it from the board ] “Star Wars”? I saw it on the small screen in Canada, so I really don’t know what it was like. [ he yanks it from the board ] “Annie Hall” — I did not see it. [ he yanks it from the board ] “The Goodbye Girl”? I saw it. So, on the basis of what I’ve seen, I would have to say “The Goodbye Girl” is gonna be this year’s winner. If you don’t like it, I’m sorry — that’s my opinion, now get out of here! Let me throw it back to a future Oscar winner, and a girl who’s at least a half a party animal herself — Jane Curtin. Get out of here, Jane, you’re terrific!

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Bill! And now it’s time for a new “Weekend Update” feature. Dan?

Dan Aykroyd: Yes. Tonight, we’ll treat the topic of whether a Point/Counterpoint segment has any point. Here’s Jane with the anti-point counterpoint, and I’ll be taking the pro-point counterpoint. Jane?

Jane Curtin: Dan, these Point/Counterpoints are getting a little absurd, and it’s all your fault! It seems no matter what I say, you’ll disagree with me! If I came out for the imprisonment of murderers, you’d say, “No, let ’em go!” You’re a pompous ass, Dan, obnoxious, arrogant, and snotty! I don’t like you, and I never will! So sit on this, Dan! [ she raises her phone receiver at him ] I hope I made my point.

Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant SLUT! I don’t automatically disagree with you, it’s just that you laways take the ASININE side of ANY issue! AS for murderers, Jane — they shouldn’t be locked up; they should be KILLED! Anyone who says otherwise, simply has a geranium in the cranium! As for your assessment of me, Jane, I’m surprised! Pount/Counterpoint is supposed to be a forum for an exchange of ideas, not an exercise in character assassination! Who did you sleep with to get this job, anyway?!

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ Dan jumps up and grabs Jane’s phone ]

Announcer: “Weekend Update” is a presentation of “Saturday Night News” — keeping America informed for over a fiftieth of a century.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 16


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 8th, 1978

Michael Palin

Eugene Record

None

None

Jim Downey

Akira Yoshimura

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Alan Zweibel
The OscarsRecurring Characters: Jimmy Carter, Yasser Arafat, Anwar Sadat.

Montage

Michael Palin’s MonologueAlso Hosted: 78j, 78r, 83j.

Cameos: 79n, 82e, 96j.

Transcript

Little Chocolate DonutsSummary: Henry Higgins (Christopher Lee) attempts to teach Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner) how to pronounce her R’s.

Note: Repeat from: 77f.

IRS Confession

H&L Brock

The Seagull

Eugene Record performs “Have You Seen Her?”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Tongsun Park impersonator (Akira Yoshimura). John Belushi comments on the demolition of Radio City Music Hall.

Nerds Piano LessonRecurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Mrs. Loopner, Mr. Brighton.

Transcript

The Forgotten Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes

Party Arguments

Eugene Record performs “Trying To Get To You”

The Mr. Bill ShowSummary: “Mr. Bill Pays His Taxes”

Danger ProbeRecurring Characters: Dave Mable.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 16

77p: Michael Palin / Eugene Record

Michael Palin’s Monologue

Sid Biggs … Michael Palin

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Palin!

[Palin, in character as Sid Biggs, wears a baggy graysuit.]

Sid Biggs: Uh, thank you. Quiet down, please. Uh…Evening. I just came to say that Mr. Palin will be outin a minute. Sorry about this. He’s on his way. He’sjust having a few last minute costume problems. Uh, hehas to wear a– uh, but, ah, he’s a nice boy, niceboy. Anyway, uh, he’ll be out soon. [awkward pause asSid checks his wristwatch and looks around] Nicestudio. Uh, my name’s, uh, Sid, by the way, Sid Biggs,Sid with an “I” — I’m Michael’s manager. I look afterthe boy, you know. Anyway, I – I thought I’d justcome out and, uh, keep you quiet for a bit, you know.I’ve told him it’s a live show, you know, and allthat, you know, and he will be out. I’m not having anyartist o’ mine appearing on nationally networktelevision in the U.S.A. for the first time withoutlookin’ absolutely right. [clears throat, coughs,pulls out handkerchief and wipes his nose] Uh, howlong is the show tonight? What? Ninety minutes?[checks watch] Yeah, well, he should be out by then.[another awkward pause] Bit of a blow, this. Huh!

Now, he’s a – he’s a nice boy, Michael. You know, notthe least bit sardonic. Kind to animals. Well, not allanimals. You know, I mean, if a crazed wolverine wereto leap at his throat and start nibblin’ on hisjugular, he wouldn’t be kind to that. I mean, ‘ewouldn’t pat it on the head and say: [high-pitchedvoice] “Halloooo, li’l wolverine! Who’s a nice littlewolverine, eh?” and start givin’ it milk, you know.But he’s on the whole kind. But he’s an artist, youknow, and, as such, given to moods. Mind you, Michaelis not my only client. [grandly] He’s only one of manyacts on the Sid Biggs list! I have available … a manwho swallows … live macaws! Vic Roberts. Wonderfulact. Disgusting to watch. I’ve got a great new act:Princess Margaret. That’s not his real name. Uh, hisreal name is Suggs, Ernest Suggs. He, uh, he eatssoil. Beautiful act. Trouble is, he won’t travel.Hates – hates planes. Has to go everywhere byhorseback.

Anyway, I mean, Michael, you know, as much as I lovehim — and I stood by him through all the difficultyears of dental surgery — Michael is of a new schoolof entertainer, you know. He’s had it too easy. Imean, in my day, we all had an act, you know. That wasthe war, of course. But we all had an act. Churchillhad his act. Anthony Eden had his act. There wasalways something happening we could do when the bombswere dropping. People — it was a lovely atmosphere –people’d go down in the underground stations and dotheir act. That’s how Janet Ballsworth met Pepe. Therest is history.

That’s how I worked out my act — which I had thegreat honor of showing to His Majesty King George VIin 1943. [looks around, checks his watch] Do you, uh,would you like to see the act? [cheers and applause]Might as well. [calls to the SNL band behind him] Hey,boys! Do you know “White Cliffs of Dover”? “WhiteCliffs of Dover” — great! Right. All I need now is aplate of, uh, seafood salad. Do we have any seafoodsalad? [points into the audience] We have some downhere, sir. Right. Could you pass it through, please?Lovely. [a plate of seafood salad is passed throughthe audience to Sid] Give ’em a hand. You’ll get itback at the end of the show. [applause] Right. And acouple of household cats. Two domestic cats. Do wehave any domestic cats? No, no. Two, two is all weneed. [zoom up to the balcony where numerous audiencemembers hold up cats] Yeah, just the first two thatcome to hand, just bring ’em down here. Nice littlesqueakers. Bring ’em down, lovely. Couple o’ littleones, very good. [two stagehands enter and stand oneither side of Sid holding cats]

Now! I haven’t done it for a while. Just hope I canremember it. Well, here goes. A-one, a-two, one, two,three, four! [the band launches into a lugubriousversion of the World War II-era hit “(There’ll BeBluebirds Over) The White Cliffs of Dover” and Sidtries to sing along as he dumps the entire plate ofseafood salad into the front of his baggy pants]”There’ll be …” [Sid hands the empty plate to one ofthe stagehands who hands it to someone off screen]”…the White…” — In with the buggies! In with thebuggies! — “… of Dover!” [the stagehand tries toforce the cat into Sid’s pants along with the seafoodsalad — it’s quite a struggle because the cat isfighting it every step of the way] Next one! Put itin! There we go! [the second cat is forced in withgreat effort and finally the stagehands depart to muchapplause as Sid performs a little dance whileclutching at the cats struggling to get out of hispants – one cat escapes and flees but the otherremains, its head sticking out above Sid’s belt] We’llbe right back!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 16

77p: Michael Palin / Eugene Record

Nerds Piano Lesson

Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner
Todd LaBounta…..Bill Murray
Ms. Loopner…..Jane Curtin
Mr. Brighton…..Michael Palin

[ open on Lisa and Todd entering the Loopner living room ]

Lisa Loopner: Thanks for walking me, home, Todd!

Todd LaBounta: Well, uh.. if I didn’t take you home, uh.. Robert Demintz would’ve. [ nerdy laugh ] He’s so stupid, he takes a ruler to bed with him to see how long he sleeps!

Lisa Loopner: [ groans ] Ohhh! That joke’s so old, the last time I heard it I fell off my dinosaur!

Todd LaBounta: Watch this! [ presses fingers into Lisa’s forehead ]

Lisa Loopner: Oh, stop it, Ted! [ giggling ]

[ Mrs. Loopner enters living room ]

Mrs. Loopner: Hi, Lisa! Hi, Todd!

Todd LaBounta: Good afternoon, Mrs. Loop-ner! What smells so good from the kitchen, Mrs. Loop-ner.

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, nothing special, Todd – just pot roast, mashed potatoes, and fresh spinach.

Todd LaBounta: Oh, you always serve a balanced meal, Mrs. Loop-ner.

Mrs. Loopner: Thank you, Todd. Would you like to stay for dinner?

Lisa Loopner: No, Mom! No!

Todd LaBounta: I would be honored to, Mrs. Loopner.. but I’d better call my mother, uh.. so she doesn’t worry about me.

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, that’s very thoughtful, Todd! You can use the phone in the kitchen.

Todd LaBounta: Thank you, Mrs. Loop-ner! [ retreats to the kitchen ]

Lisa Loopner: Mom! Why’d you ask Todd to stay for dinner? You know I’m gonna be having my piano lesson with Mr. Bright-on!

Mrs. Loopner: Well, I’m sure Todd can find something to keep himself occupied, dear.

Lisa Loopner: Yeah, but he’ll embarrass me in front of Mr. Bright-on! Todd’s a boy! Mr. Brighton’s a man!

Todd LaBounta: Uh.. I’m not a boy, Lisa. Uh.. if my skin cleared up, I’d be shaving right now.

Lisa Loopner: Well, when your skin clears up, they’ll be making snowballs in Hell!

Mrs. Loopner: [ stern ] Watch your language, young lady!

Todd LaBounta: Gosh.. if I say H-E-double-hockey-sticks at home, my mother would beat the C-R-A-you-know-what out of me!

Mrs. Loopner: That’s very nice, Todd. I’ll see you kids later. [ exits ]

Todd LaBounta: Lisa got in trouble! Lisa got in trouble! Noogie Patrol!! [ grabs Lisa and pounds her noggin with noogies ]

Lisa Loopner: [ breaks free ] Stop it, Todd! Cut it out!

Todd LaBounta: Come on, let’s play our song!

Lisa Loopner: No! Well.. okay.. just once. Come on. We’ll do a duet.

[ Lisa and Todd sit at the piano for a duet of “Heart & Soul” ]

Lisa Loopner: Todd, you came in too soon!

[ they start over ]

Lisa Loopner: No, you came in too soon again, Todd!

Todd LaBounta: [ sarcastically ] Oh, big deal.. we’ll start again, that’s all..

Lisa Loopner: Todd, do it right!

[ they start again, as the doorbell rings numerous times ]

Lisa Loopner: Mr. Bright-on should be here- [ finally hears the doorbell ] Oh! [ answers door to Mr. Brighton ]

Mr. Brighton: Hello. My, you’re looking pretty today, Lisa.

Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Mr. Bright-on!

Todd LaBounta: Pretty? Yeah, I think she looks pretty – bad! [ laughs ]

Lisa Loopner: Shut up, Pizza Face!

Mr. Brighton: Uh.. who’s your funny boyfriend, Lisa?

Lisa Loopner: Ohh.. this is Todd LaBounta – but he’s not my boyfriend! He’s a boy, and he’s a friend – but he’s certainly not my boyfriend!

Mr. Brighton: Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Todd. Do you take piano lessons?

Todd LaBounta: No. I play by ear! [ drops his head over the piano and bangs the keys with his ear ]

Lisa Loopner: [ annoyed ] Oh, that’s so funny I forgot to laugh.

Mr. Brighton: Todd, do you think there’s someplace you can go so Lisa and I won’t be disturbed by your presence?

Todd LaBounta: Well, excu-u-u-u-use me! I’ll just sit right here, and you won’t hear a peep out of me. [ silent for a couple of seconds, then.. ] Pee-ee-eep!

Lisa Loopner: [ annoyed ] Oh, Todd..

Mr. Brighton: Your friend Todd is a bit of a nerd, isn’t he?

Lisa Loopner: Yes, he is.

Mr. Brighton: Oh.. well, let’s do the scales we practiced yesterday, Lisa.

Lisa Loopner: Alright. [ plays her scales ]

Mr. Brighton: That’s very good, Lisa.

Lisa Loopner: Thank you. [ plays scales again, hits a wrong note ]

Todd LaBounta: [ honks like a pig ]

Lisa Loopner: Oh, Todd, cut it out! Mother!!

Mrs. Loopner: [ slowly enters ] What is it, Lisa?

Lisa Loopner: Well, Todd is bothering us!

Mrs. Loopner: [ approaches Todd ] Todd? Why don’t you come out in the kitchen and help me set the table?

Todd LaBounta: Okay, Mrs. Loop-ner! [ exits living room ]

Mr. Brighton: Okay, let’s, uh.. play the scales – shall we – again, Lisa?

Lisa Loopner: Okie-dokie. [ plays the scales, but hits all the notes wrong ]

Mr. Brighton: Now.. Lisa, you see what you’re doing?

Lisa Loopner: What?

Mr. Brighton: You’re letting your hand drop. Let me just show you.. how I mean. [ grabs Lisa’s hands ] Lovely wrists, Lisa.

Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Mr. Bright-on!

Mr. Brighton: Now, then, uh.. bend your arm like this, and keep your fingers slightly arched. Now, Lisa.. breathe deeply.

Lisa Loopner: [ breaths deeply ]

Mr. Brighton: That’s it.

Lisa Loopner: [ deeper still ] Like this?

Mr. Brighton: Lovely, Lisa.. from the diaphragm, now.. from the diaphragm.

Lisa Loopner: Mr. Bright-on, I’m starting to feel dizzy..

Mr. Brighton: You know what that feeling is, Lisa?

Lisa Loopner: What?

Mr. Brighton: It’s love!

[ Mr. Brighton grabs Lisa and tries to kiss her very passionately, as she struggles to break free ]

Todd LaBounta: [ re-enters living room to great distress ] Say, what’s going on?! Oh, no.. another man. Well, I guess this is it. I have no need to go on living. I’ll just committ noggie suicide! [ begins to self-inflict himself with noogies ]

Mr. Brighton: There’s no need for that, young man – I simply got carried away.. It must have been the music..

Lisa Loopner: [ spitting Mr. Brighton’s germs out of her mouth ] You’re so obnoxious, Mr. Bright-on! You called Todd a nerd! But you’re a worse nerd!

Todd LaBounta: [ shaken ] He called me a.. nerd? I’m not a nerd, Mr. Brighton.. [ angry ] Mr. Brighton?

Mr. Brighton: Yes?

Todd LaBounta: Did you get the letter I sent you?

Mr. Brighton: No.

Todd LaBounta: Because I forgot to stamp it! [ stomps on Mr. Brighton’s foot, as Mr. Brighton scatters toward the front door ]

Lisa Loopner: Mr. Bright-on! Your fly’s open!

Mr. Brighton: [ fuming ] Yes.. I know! [ storms out ]

Lisa Loopner: [ looks at Todd ] Todd.. thank you for helping me.. You want to play our song again?

Todd LaBounta: Sure.

[ they sit at the piano ]

Lisa Loopner: You know something, Todd? He tried to kiss me, but I wouldn’t let him.

Todd LaBounta: I know, Lisa.. [ changes subject ] Did you ever have.. a lollipop kiss?

Lisa Loopner: No.. what’s that?

Todd LaBounta: Well, close your eyes and pucker up. [ Lisa closes her eyes and puckers up ] Suck-er!

[ pan into audience wide shot, zoom up to woman with SUPER: “Rehearsed Embarrasment” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 17


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 15th, 1978

Michael Sarrazin

Keith Jarrett

Gravity

None

None

Anne Beatts

Rosie Shuster

Tom Davis

Jim Downey

Brian Doyle-Murray

Mitchell Laurance

Andy Murphy

Alan Zweibel
The President’s Message on InflationSummary: In an effort to cut down on inflation, President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) urges Americans to burn 8% of their savings.

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter, Amy Carter.

Transcript

Montage

Michael Sarrazin’s MonologueSummary: Michael Sarrazin is nervous about hosting the show on the anniversary of Abraham Lincoln’s assassination.

Transcript

Angora BouquetSummary: The soap so pure that it can wash a housewife’s (Jane Curtin) mind.

Note: Repeat from: 77c.

Josh Ramsey: V.D. CaseworkerSummary: Josh Ramsey (Michael Sarrazin) is on the case when high school student Susie (Laraine Newman) thinks she may have venereal disease but is afraid to let her boyfriend Johnny (Bill Murray) find out.

Transcript

Keith Jarrett performs “Country”

The Hate Jennifer ShowSummary: Alone in her family’s living room, Judy Miller (Gilda Radner) hosts a show about how much she hates her sister Jennifer.

Recurring Characters: Judy Miller.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Bill Murray interviews “American Hot Wax” star Laraine Newman. Point-Counterpoint. Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Penalty BoxSummary:

E. Buzz Miller’s Exercise WorldSummary: E. Buzz Miller (Dan Aykroyd) spots Christy Christina (Laraine Newman) as she performs a number of naughty exercise routines.

Recurring Characters: E. Buzz Miller, Christy Christina.

Keith Jarrett performs “My Song”

Schiller’s Reel: La Dolce GildaSummary: In a film by Tom Schiller, Gilda Radner’s life at an SNL after-party takes on a Fellini-esque quality.

Transcript

ArchaeologicusSummary:

Transcript

Gravity performs “Tuba City Gitback”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 17

77q: Michael Sarrazin / Keith Jarrett, Gravity

The President’s Message on Inflation

President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
Amy Carter…..Laraine Newman

[ open on White House exterior slide ]

Announcer: And now, from the White House: The President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Jimmy Carter seated before plants at the fireplace ]

President Jimmy Carter: Good evening, my fellow Americans. In the past, I have given fireside chats. Tonight, because it is Spring, I’ve chosen to give a plantside chat. [ he smiles ] I love the Spring! Everything grows — the plants, the trees, little baby animals. But some things don’t. Some things grow that we don’t to grow, like inflation. Inflation is our nation’s number-one problem, yet most people don’t even understand it. But it’s really quite simple: Inflation is caused by too many dollars chasing too few goods. Now, the easiest way to get money out of circulation is to maintain high unemployment, so people won’t have jobs and money to spend. This is a program my administration has ACTIVELY pursued. Yet, inflation continues to rise. So, tonight, I’m proposing a new program, one which will call on all Americans to sacrifice again… but which, however, will have immediate effect. I’m asking each and every American to take 8% of your money and burn it! Now, I know — I know you might be saying, “Why, that sounds crazy, Jimmy!” But if all of us burn 8% of our money, less money will be in circulation, and in no time at all, prices will hopefully go down. So you’ll be ale to save MORE of your money for future burnings.

Now, the most difficult thing about asking for mutual sacrifice… is who will sacrifice first? Since i’m the President, I feel that the sacrifice should start in my own family. Amy? [ Amy scoots forward with her peanut piggy bank ] I have asked my daughter Amy to bring down her savings. Sweetheart? How much do you have in your peanut butter bank?

Amy Carter: Well, Daddy… I saved twelve dollars and fifty cents!

President Jimmy Carter: Good! Now, Honeybunch, can you figure out what 8% of twelve dollars and fifty cents is?

Amy Carter: Sure, Daddy. [ she takes out her calculator and does the math ] 8% of $12.50… is a DOLLAR! Exactly a dollar, Daddy!

President Jimmy Carter: Okay, Amy — give me a dollar.

Amy Carter: Okay, Daddy. [ she pulls out a dollar and hands it over ]

President Jimmy Carter: You know what we’re gonna do.

Amy Carter: [ excited ] We’re gonna BURN the dollar, Daddy!

President Jimmy Carter: That’s right, Peanut Butter Cup. And do you know why?

Amy Carter: To fight INFLATION!

President Jimmy Carter: [ trying in vain to spark up a cigarette lighter ] We’re trying to save fuel here at the White House. We’re trying to save on butane. [ he lights a match from a matchbook instead ] You’re a good girl, Amy.

[ he lights the dollar bill and drops it in an ashtray labeled “The BUCK BURNS here!” ]

President Jimmy Carter: Now, I’m asking all Americans to follow an example set here tonight. Monday morning, go to the bank and withdraw 8% of your money and burn it. If everyone cooperates, prices may not go lower, but they will be well on their way towards stabilizing — you can depend on it!

Amy Carter: Daddy, can I say it?

President Jimmy Carter: Well, Eskimo Pie — we got to burn your money, so why don’t we let Daddy say it?

Amy Carter: Oh, PLEASE, Daddy!

President Jimmy Carter: Okay! If you really want to do it, Four Eyes!

Amy Carter: [ excited ] Oh, oh boy! “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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  Season 3: Episode 17

77q: Michael Sarrazin / Keith Jarrett, Gravity

Archaeologicus

Tina Gemini…..Laraine Newman
Voice of Morton Kamen…..John Belushi

[ open on futuristic stage setting ]

Announcer: The Magna Corcorde Hovercraft Systems Group presents… “Archaeologicus”, with your host Tina Gemini.

[ Tina Gemini enters the stage ]

Tina Gemini: Good evening. I’m Tina Gemini. On April 12th, 1962, a group of explorers working in the blistering desert heat in a small commuity near Palm Springs entered this small corridor… [ she points to a diagram on an easel of an aerial view of a hotel ] Exactly fifty paces away, they broke into a sealed opening to this chamber within… that beheld some of the most splendid examples of funerary riches known to mankind. The relics of an age gone by, perfectly preserved for us today. Join me as we discover together… “The Treasures of Morton Kamen”.

[ camera zooms in on the diagram, as the title appears over it ]

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Morton Kamen and his wife ]

Tina Gemini V/O: At the moment of Morton Kamen’s death, the air conditioning in the sealed chamber was set so low that everything, including his wife Shirley, has been perfectly preserved.

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Morton Kamen’s shoes ]

Tina Gemini V/O: All we know about Morton Kamen is that he was an incredibly rich man who surrounded himself with the spoils of his civilization. Powerful amulets protected his feet.

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of an Alligator shirt ]

Tina Gemini V/O: While potent animal symbols, like the holy alligator were used to protect his life. He had literally hundreds of tunics like this, in virtually every color of the rainbow.

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of cookware ]

Tina Gemini V/O: The sacrificial feasts were prepared in this vessel, and, miraculously, the remains of a freshwater tuna fish and noodle offering are as fresh today as the day as the day it was prepared.

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Morton Kamen’s golf cart and golf accessories ]

Tina Gemini V/O: And here, the most exciting of the riches, is the famous golden chariot of Morton Kamen, used, we believe, in an ancient ritual utilizing long sticks to bat tiny balls into holes in the ground for public adulation.

[ dissolve back to Tina Gemini, holding an audiotape recorder ]

Tina Gemini: Another find was this primitive recording device, which enables us to actually hear Morton Kamen’s voice and this strange message. [ she presses Play ]

Voice of Morton Kamen: [ thickly Jewish ] Hello! Morton and Shirley are out right now, but we’ll be good to get back if you’ll leave your name and number after the beep tone. Have a nice day. [ beeeeep ]

Tina Gemini: [ she turns it off ] Did that beep-frequency brainwash callers into obedience toward Morton Kamen? You can see that people were treated as slaves with numbers instead of names. But — perhaps the most enigmatic find in Morton Kamen’s tomb… is this pair of zippered rubber underpants. [ she removes them from their display case ] They were found hidden in a compartment near the water chamber. Attached to them was this strange “curse” of Morton Kamen: [ she reads the label ] “Sale of this novelty item to minors is forbidden by law.” Until we fully discover the significance of rubber underwear, this admonition will remain as much a mystery as why Moton Kamen and his wife Shirley were preserved to begin with. Until then, I bid thee a good night.

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ dissolve to pan across audience balcony, stopping on a woman with SUPER: “Often Mistaken For Unknown” ]

[ fade ]

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  Season 3: Episode 17

77q: Michael Sarrazin / Keith Jarrett, Gravity

Goodnights

…..Michael Sarrazin

Michael Sarrazin: Well… that’s it for this evening. It wasn’t such a bad Booth Day, was it? I’d like to thank — [ the audience applauds ] Thank you! Thank you! I’d like to thank Mr. Keith Jarrett! [ the audience applauds ] Howard Johnson and the group Gravity! Alright! [ the audience applauds ] The people who helped me THROUGH all this — The Not Ready For Prime Time Players! Come on in, guys! [ the cast swarms the stage ] Mr. Lorne Michaels. [ he begins to shake hands with the cast as the credits begin to roll ]

[ Bill Murray points out his t-shirt, as Dan Aykroyd lifts him into the air ]

Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Steve Martin with musical guest The Blues Brothers. This is Don Pardo: His Mouth and His Microphone. Good night.

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  Season 3: Episode 17

77q: Michael Sarrazin / Keith Jarrett, Gravity

La Dolce Gilda

Written by: Tom Schiller

…..Gilda Radner
Actress…..Laraine Newman
Actor…..John Belushi
Marcello…..Dan Aykroyd
Priest 1…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Priest 2…..Alan Zweibel
Abraham Lincoln…..Bill Murray

SCHILLER’S REEL … WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY TOM SCHILLER

[ film opens with Gilda stepping out of a limosine to the sound of her chanting fans ]

Crowd: Gilda!! Gilda!!

[ an actress leads Gilda through the crowd ]

Voice: Gilda, blow me a kiss! I’m your biggest fan!

[ cut to Gilda seated at a table with the actress, as Marcello joins them ]

Woman: Ciao, Marcello! Still sleeping with Gilda, eh?

Actress: Oh, God! This place is FULL of television people! [ looks offscreen ] Jean-Paul! Champagne and caviar — I’m dying of thirst!

Man: The early Fitzgerald was good — but then came an orgy of Buddha realism.

Woman: I never watch television! Never! I don’t even OWN a television! Electricity is EVIL! It KILLS the creative mindset!

Marcello: [ whispering into Gilda’s ear ] Gilda… don’t you find these people boring and stupid? Let us go to the Coliseum and make love. It is almost dawn!

[ as a pair of priests observe, Marcello stands and leaves Gilda ]

Gilda Radner: Don’t leave me, Marcello! Don’t go!

Marcello: I must RIDE this enchanting tigress!

[ the Tigress crouches to the ground as Marcello climbs onto her back ]

Marcello: Stay down, while I RIDE you! I’ll show these boring people how to have fun! Hee-hee-hee! Just like wild horses! Faster! Faster! Yippee!

[ an Italian actor approaches Gilda and begins to sweet-talk her; others join in ]

Voice: Gilda! Gilda, my child! Don’t you remember me?!

[ the Tigress collapses under Marcello’s weight ]

Marcello: FASTER!! FASTER!! YES, YES, YES!!

Woman: [ attempting to shove food toward Gilda ] Manga! Manga! Eat-a something!

Gilda Radner: I’m not hungry! I’m not hungry!

Crowd: GIL-DA!! GIL-DA!! GIL-DA!! GIL-DA!! GIL-DA!! GIL-DA!!

[ distraught, Gilda runs from the crowd as the music crescendoes ]

[ cut to Gilda walking away alone; she turns around ]

Gilda Radner: You’re still following me? Stop! Leave me alone! [ walks away, then turns around and smiles] I’m just teasing. Come here. Come.. closer. You know I love you, my little monkeys. But leave me my dreams. Dreams are like paper, they tear so easily. I love to play. Every time I play.. you win. Ciao. [ she walks away ]

[ a mime holding a balloon opens his coat to reveal a paper heart glued to his chest, then releases his balloon into the air ]

[ dissolve to audience wide shot. At the center is Abraham Lincoln, who looks astonished to see the camera. It starts to zoom in on Lincoln, so he attempts to point it toward the man to his left. The camera zooms closer, so Lincoln points it toward the woman to his right. The camera complies, causing the woman to laugh as the SUPER appears: “Glad To Be Anywhere” ]

[ fade to black ]

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  Season 3: Episode 17

77q: Michael Sarrazin / Keith Jarrett, Gravity

Michael Sarrazin’s Monologue

…..Michael Sarrazin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Michael Sarrazin!

Michael Sarrazin: I’m really happy to be here. You know, at first I was a bit apprehensive to do a show like this. I mean, I’ve done a lot of movies, but this is a totally different experience for me. But everybody’s been real nice around here — even though a lot of them have been busy doing their tax returns, and, well, nobody’s real happy around tax time, are they? I’m also a little bit nervous about doing this show tonight because April 15th — besides being tax day — is the 66th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. [ some audience members clap ] Another good omen, huh? But worst of all — it’s also Booth Day. Now, probably, a lot of you don’t know about Booth Day. April 15th is the day that Abraham Lincoln died. He was, of course, shot by John Wilkes Booth… [ a beat ] an actor. [ the audience laughs ] Yeah. Well, Booth gave us actors a very bad reputation. You know, it’s a superstition in the theater that Booth Day will be a bad luck day in the theater until a president assassinates an actor. But I think we’re safe. I’m just keeping my fingers crossed that this Booth Day will be an exception, and that nothing will go wrong.

So! We’ll be right back!

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