Category: 1977

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 14

77n: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

Olympia Cafe

Pete Dionasopolis…..John Belushi
George…..Dan Aykroyd
Nico…..Bill Murray
Sandy…..Laraine Newman
New Waitress…..Jill Clayburgh
Male Customer…..Garrett Morris
Female Customer…..Gilda Radner
Benefit Lady…..Jane Curtin

[A busy diner owned by the blustering, mustachioedPete Dionasopolis. He rings up a sale on his cashregister. Greek music plays quietly in the backgroundthroughout the sketch. The phone rings and Peteanswers:]

Pete: [into phone] Hello, Olympia Cafe! … [yells toGeorge, the cook] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!

Pete: [into phone] No. No fries, chips. … [yells toNico, the counterman] Four chip!

Nico: Four chip!

Pete: [into phone] What to drink? No Coke. Pepsi. …[yells to Nico] Four Pepsi!

Nico: Four Pepsi!

Pete: [into phone] All right.

[Sandy, the stern, dark-haired waitress is training anawkward new employee.]

Sandy: [to the new waitress] Just do what I do, huh?[demonstrates what to say to the others] Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

Sandy: Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

Sandy: Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Sandy: Three chip!

New Waitress: Three chip!

Sandy: Three Pepsi!

New Waitress: Three Pepsi!

Nico: Three chip! Three Pepsi!

Male Customer: [paying his bill, to Pete at the cashregister] I see that you are training another newwaitress again.

Pete: [making change] Yeah. But she won’t stay. Theyall want money! You know? Even him! [indicates Nicowho stands by, grinning stupidly] I bring him overfrom Greece. I give him free food. A nice place tosleep in the back. But, even now, he’s always askingfor money! Ehh! [pushes Nico back to work] Come on,get out of here.

Sandy: Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

Sandy: Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Sandy: Two chip!

New Waitress: Two chip!

Sandy: Two Pepsi!

New Waitress: Two Pepsi!

Nico: Two chip! Two Pepsi!

Female Customer: [sitting at counter, to Pete] Hey,uh, I’m almost done. I, uh, better order that stuff togo.

Pete: Ah! I like you. You eat fast. All right, what togo?

Female Customer: Um, I want a cheeseburger, Pepsi anda bag of chips.

Pete: [yells] Cheeseburger! Pepsi! Chip!

George: Cheeseburger!

Nico: Pepsi! Chip!

Pete: Sandy! C’mere!

Sandy: [Pete exits as Sandy stands at the cashregister with the new waitress who hangs up her coatbefore Sandy explains the system] Okay, when Petegoes, you have to stand by the cash register but don’ttouch it. Pete is the only one to touch the cashregister, huh?

Benefit Lady: [enters with placard, goes to counter,talks to Nico] Hi! Uh, we’re having a benefit for theTagart twins — you know, the little boys that ate theballoon — and I was wondering if I could put thisposter in your window. [Nico doesn’t understand a wordshe’s saying but nods anyway] I can? [Nico shrugs, thebenefit lady is delighted] Oh!

Nico: [to the benefit lady] Cheeseburger?

Female Customer: [to the benefit lady] Look, um, hedoesn’t understand English. All he knows is”Cheeseburger” …

Nico: [to female customer] Cheeseburger?

Female Customer: [George brings her order in a bag]Oh, hi, George, look, uh, I wanna tell you this joke,okay? [indicates Nico] Oh, tell him too — it’s realfunny. Um, this guy says to the owner of a restaurant… [George translates in Greek to Nico] Uh, I gotsome bad news for you and some worse news … [Georgetranslates] Uh, the bad news is … [Georgetranslates] … that there’s a fly in my soup …[George translates] Uh, the worse news is … [Georgetranslates] It’s the best part of the meal! … [Anamused George translates the punch-line but Nicodoesn’t understand so George repeats it. Nico stilldoesn’t get it, shrugs apologetically. George givesup, gestures to the customer that Nico is not toobright, hands her her order, and heads back to thegrill.] Thank you. [rises, pays at register, andexits]

Sandy: [phone rings, Sandy picks up, speaks intophone] Olympia Cafe. … To go? Okay. … [yells]Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Sandy: Two chip! Two Pepsi!

Nico: Two chip! Two Pepsi!

Pete: [returns, shoos Sandy and the new waitress away]All right, come on, come on, come on, come on, let’sgo, come on, move, come on!

Benefit Lady: [to Pete] Hi! Um, we’re having a benefitand I was wondering if I could put this poster in yourwindow.

Pete: Sure. Five dollars.

Benefit Lady: No! No, no, no, you don’t understand.It’s a benefit.

Pete: [upset] Look, you come in here, you don’t evenbuy something, you want me to put something in thewindow?!

Benefit Lady: Oh, okay, I’ll buy something, I’ll buysomething.

Pete: Okay, what’ll you have?

Benefit Lady: Uh, I’ll have a club sandwich and a tea.

Pete: No club, no tea. Cheeseburger.

Benefit Lady: Okay, I’ll have a cheeseburger, welldone.

Pete: All right, cheeseburger. What to drink?

Benefit Lady: Ah, no tea?

Pete: No tea. Pepsi.

Benefit Lady: Ah, do you have root beer?

Pete: No. No root beer. Pepsi.

Benefit Lady: Grape. Do you have–?

Pete: Pepsi!!

Benefit Lady: I don’t think I want anything to drink,thanks.

Pete: Okay, tea. [quickly pours her a tea]

Sandy: Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

Sandy: Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Pete: [upset, to the new waitress] Hey, hey, yo! Hey,you! You don’t say it right! Okay? Listen. [with Greekaccent, spoken quickly and without pronouncing the”s”] Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

Pete: Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

Pete: No, no. Cheeseburger!

George: [thinks an order is being made] Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

[Pete, George, and the new waitress all yell”Cheeseburger” back and forth, faster and faster,until the waitress explodes in fury:]

New Waitress: [throws her ticket book] I can’t standthis place! [runs behind register to grab her coat]It’s, like, nuts! I’m just getting out of this place!This is crazy! [grabs coat] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: [keeps ranting] Pepsi! Chip!

Nico: Pepsi! Chip!

New Waitress: [putting on coat] Cheeseburger! Pepsi!

George: Cheeseburger!

Nico: Pepsi!

Benefit Lady: [trying to calm her] Hey, it’s okay!It’s okay! Everything’s gonna be fine now. [to theemployees, who watch dispassionately] Can somebody gether a glass of water?

Pete: No water. Pepsi.

Benefit Lady: All right, a Pepsi!

Pete: One Pepsi! [But Nico merely stands there,watching the distressed waitress until Pete hits himseveral times with a menu] Pepsi! Pepsi! Pepsi! Comeon!

Nico: Pepsi!

Sandy: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!

[We end on the image of numerous burger pattiessizzling on George’s grill.]

[ pull back to wide shot of studio, with SUPER: “coming up next… How To Beat The Solar System” ]

[ fade ]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 14

77n: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

Shower Mike

Jane Herkiman…..Gilda Radner
Richard Herkiman…..Bill Murray
Morty Coony…..John Belushi
Judy Coony…..Jill Clayburgh

[ open on Jane Herkiman taking a shower while singing “Up, Up and Away” ]

[ Richard Herkiman enters behind her and picks up a shower mike ]

Richard Herkiman: JOHNNY NASH, ladies and gentlemen! Come on, let’s hear it for her, isn’t she terrific! She’s my better half!

Jane Herkiman: Come on, you’re embarrassing me…!

Richard Herkiman: Let me introduce myself — I’m Richard Herkimann. And I’d like to see if we can’t get my wife, Jane, to do one more number! How about it, Jane?

Jane Herkiman: Would you stop it, Richard? You’re embarrassing me! I’m taking a shower, now stop it.

Richard Herkiman: Aw, come on! I’ll bet you know this one: “Ahhh, love! Love will keep us together!” Thank you! Take it, Jane, come on!

Jane Herkiman: No! I’m not… Richard!

Richard Herkiman: “You gotta stay strong! Just stop!”

Jane Herkiman: Would you STOP it, Richard? I can’t…

Richard Herkiman: “Just stop!”

Jane Herkiman: STOP IT!!

Richard Herkiman: ‘Cause I’d like to introduce a very funny guy, as a matter of fact! He just stopped by, on his way to the train. The funniest guy in the neighborhood, as a matter of fact! Our friend, our next-door neighbor — MORTY COONY! Come on in!

[ Morty enters dressed in a business suit, as Jane screams ]

Morty Coony: Hi, how are ya’! Thank you, Richard! And Hello, Jane, how are ya’?

Jane Herkiman: [ cowering ] Morty, what did you do?! Good Morning!

Richard Herkiman: You folks at home DON’T know this, but Morty’s wife threw him out of the house this week — a week ago — and he’s been hanging around our place ever since, telling his jokes, and he’d love to tell you a few! Now, you may have heard a few of them before, but, uh, remember: It’s Morty’s name, okay? Let’s hear it for MORTY OONY! [ he hands his shower mike over ]

Morty Coony: You know what? I noticed on the way over here that Herb across the street was having a garage sale!

Jane Herkiman: Did — Did you go over and buy anything?

Morty Coony: Why should I? I already have a garage!

[ Morty and Richard laugh hysterically ]

Morty Coony: Thank you!

Richard Herkiman: I TOLD you! The man is hysterical!

Morty Coony: Gracias! Gracias! That’s funny. You know, my garage is SO messy that the other day I was rummaging around there… I found my OLD CAR!! [ he laughs ]

Richard Herkiman: Mor-ty! You’re killing me!

Morty Coony: No, really! You know, my garage roof, you know, is leaking? So the roof had to be tarred! You know?

Richard Herkiman: Yeah.

Morty Coony: So I told my kid I’d give him thirty bucks to put the tar on the roof. I come home, and the jerk put the TUB of tar on the roof!

[ they all crack up laughing ]

Morty Coony: Thank you! Thank you! The garage… What else? What else?

Richard Herkiman: Are you kidding? He’s fantastic! He’s funny 24 hours a day, and that’s a big compliment. And, you know — the garage jokes? Funny, because he’s been living in our garage for the last week! Is that where that came from? I guess comedy works that way. It’s a strange combination of pain and environment, or something like that…

Morty Coony: Yeah, I guess so. I guess so. Yeah… yeah…

Jane Herkiman: Richard, you’re certainly very CRUEL in the shower. Now, why don’t we just forget all about it and why don’t I make you breakfast, Morty?

Richard Herkiman: Just a moment, Jane. [ he grabs his shower mike from Morty ] I think you’re gonna change your mind about my being cruel, AND about fixing Morty’s breakfast when I tell you — and Morty doesn’t even know about this — that behind the shower curtain is somebody who I think has something to say to Morty. Let me intriduce a friend and a neighbor — MRS. MORTY COONY! Come on in here, Judy!

[ he pulls a fully-dressed Judy Coony into the shower ]

Morty Coony: Sweetheart!

Judy Coony: Morty! I’ve come to ask you to leave the Herkimans’ garage and come on home, we miss you!

Morty Coony: Really? Aw, Judy!

[ Morty and Judy hug and kiss one another, and Richard and Jane follow suit ]

Richard Herkiman: Well, SOMEBODY’D better fix BREAKFAST!! Morty and I have to catch that ol’ 8:05 — we gotta get out of here and go to work! Just remember to… [ singing ] “look in your heart and let LOVE…!”

All: “KEEP US TOGEEEEEETH-ERRRRR…!!!”

[ the camera pans up the shower, then cuts over to the audience and zooms toward a man, then quickly pans over to the woman seated next to him, with SUPER: “Caught On Guard” ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 14

77n: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

Sybil III

Dr. Wilbur…..Jill Clayburgh
Sybil Connolly…..Jane Curtin
Colleen Fernman as Sybil Dorsett…..Gilda Radner
Sybil Weintraub…..Laraine Newman
Debras…..Anne Beatts, Yvonne Hudson, Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Karen Roston, Rosie Shuster

[ open on Dr. Wilbur’s office, as she dictates ]

Dr. Wilbur: The patient continues to exhibit accute schizophrenia, perhaps the most remarkable case of the Three Faces of Eve. Each of her multiple personalities is so clearly defined that it’s almost as though I were in a room with THREE separate individuals. [ she stops dictating and presses her intercom ] Miss Bernstein, would you send in “Sybil”?

[ music sting, over title card ]

Announcer: “Sybil, Part III.”

[ return to Dr. Wilbur’s office, as three women enter the room ]

Dr. Wilbur: Hello, “Sybil”.

Sybil III: Hello, Dr. Wilbur!!!

Dr. Wilbur: “Sybil”, why don’t you take a seat? [ they sit down in three seats ] Well… “Sybil”, “Sybil”, “Sybil.” Today, the two of us are gonna confront reality! You are laboring under the delusion that you are THREE separate individuals.

Sybil Weintraub: We ARE three separate individuals!

Sybil Connolly: God, we’ve been THROUGH this!

Dr. Wilbur: I know you feel that. But, in fact, you’re all ONE person! You are Sybil Dorsett from Willow Quarters, Wisconsin.

Sybil Weintraub: [ pointing to the middle Sybil ] This is Sybil Dorsett. [ pointing to the far Sybil ] She’s Sybil Connolly, from Boston. [ pointing to herself ] I’m Sybil Weintraub, from Shaker Heights, Ohio. I mean, look I’ve got PROOF! [ she whips out her wallet ] Here’s my I.D. with all my name on it — Sybil Weintraub!

Dr. Wilbur: Sybil, you’re fighting me.

Sybil Connolly: Look — you just think we’re the same person because we ALL happen to be named SYBIL!

Dr. Wilbur: Well, that is what tipped me off. But there’s something else that’s gonig on here. “Sybil”, one of your personalities isn’t expressing herself, why is that?

[ Sybil Dorsett looks around, blankly ]

Sybil Connolly: Because she’s VEGGED out!

Dr. Wilbur: Sybil, you’re very hostile today. Aren’t you forgetting how much progress we’ve already made? I mean, when you first came here you were manisfesting sixteen different personalities. And now we’ve successfully integrated all but three!

Sybil Connolly: Of course! The other thirteen Sybils STOPPED coming to the session!

Sybil Weintraub: Maybe they were smarter than we were.

Sybil Connolly: Well, besides, there weren’t enough chairs.

[ Sybil Dorsett laughs boisterously, then withdraws ]

Dr. Wilbur: Sybil, you will never be a whole person until you relive your childhood traumas and admit that your mother was a MONSTER who TORTURED you with BUTTON HOOKS, while hanging you upside-down from the kitchen light fixture and giving you ICE WATER ENEMAS!

Sybil Connolly: What?!

Sybil Weintraub: What are you talking about?

Dr. Wilbur: Oh, Sybil, Sybil, Sybil… face the truth. Remember!

[ the three Sybils look at one another ]

Sybil Weintraub: Oh, alright… So my mother did hang me from the light fixture and give me ice water enemas. So what?

Sybil Connolly: So did mine! Big deal!

Sybil Weintraub: I know it looks bad, but, believe me, it’s just a weird coincidence.

Sybil Connolly: It is a pretty weird coincidence.

[ Sybil Dorsett laughs boisterously, then withdraws ]

Dr. Wilbur: Sybil, we seem to be on the verge of a breakthrough. Now, would you mind going back to the couch? I know it makes you uncomfortable, but please try it.

Sybil Connolly: I HATE this part!

Dr. Wilbur: Sibyl, why deny that you’re schitzo? We all have many people inside of us. I myself am a psychiatrist…

[ Sybil Dorsett lies on the couch, as Sybil Weintraub and Sybil Connolly squeeze next to her and knock her to the floor ]

Dr. Wilbur: I’m a mother… I’m a married woman… I’m an unmarried woman. I’m a dancer, and, as a matter of fact, I’m, uh… I’m TWO dancers! I’m Jazz and Modern.

[ Sybil Dorsett squeezes back onto the couch, knocking Sybil Connolly to the other side of the floor ]

Dr. Wilbur: Uhhh… I’m a furrier, I’m, uh… I’m four artists — I’m an Impressionist, a Photorealist, an Abstract Expressionist, and a Primitive. And I’m a lot of gym teachers. And i’m at least one dental technician.

[ Sybil Connolly and Sybil Weintraub finally decide they’ve had enough and tiptoe for the door ]

Dr. Wilbur: I’ve had problems… like most young women. I was hung from light fixtures and tortured by my mother. I survived… and so can you. You can become WHOLE again. I know it.

[ the door slams, as Sybil Connolly and Sybil Weintraub make their exit ]

[ Dr. Wilbur turns to see only Sybil Dorsett lying on the couch ]

Dr. Wilbur: Sybil!

[ Sybil Dorsett looks around catatonically ]

Dr. Wilbur: You’re cured! Oh, Sybil, look at you — you’re a whole person again! Ohhhh!! [ she pulls G to her feet ] It won’t be necessary for you to come back here every week. [ she grabs G’s coat ] You just check in with me every now and again when you’re feeling a little bit down. Oh, Sybil… [ she struggles to help G into her coat ] I’m so GLAD this happened! And you just remember your mother cannot hurt you NOW! Now, listen — I have another appointment, and she’s waiting for me… [ she walks G to the door, crashing her into it ] But you just keep in touch! Bye hye, Sweetie!

[ Sybil Dorsett exits, as Dr. Wilbur sits at her desk ]

Dr. Wilbur: [ into intercom ] Uh, Miss Bernstein? Uh, send in Debra.

[ a huge group of women storm into the room, shoving Sybil Dorsett in with them ]

Dr. Wilbur: [ blowing a whistle ] Okay, Debra! Hold it down! Now, the two of us have a LOT of work to do here, so let’s not waste any time. And remember, Debra — I never promised you a rose garden.

[ pull out, with SUPER: “coming up next… Illegal Alien Celebrities” ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 15


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


March 25th, 1978

Christopher Lee

Meat Loaf

Richard Belzer

Stacy Keach

Tom Davis

Rosie Shuster

John Belushi’s New NameSummary: After being slated to take over “Grizzly Adams”, the network forces John Belushi to change his name to “Kevin Scott”.

Transcript

Montage

Christopher Lee’s MonologueSummary: Christopher Lee shows off the trailers for his rejected horror films: “The Island Of Lost Luggage”; “The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave”, starring John Belushi; and “Dr. Jekyll And Mister Rogers”, starring Vincent Price (Dan Aykroyd).

Recurring Characters: Vincent Price.

Transcript

My Fair LadySummary: Henry Higgins (Christopher Lee) attempts to teach Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner) how to pronounce her R’s.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters.

Meat Loaf performs “All Revved Up & No Place To Go”Also Performs: 81g.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Kevin Scott (John Belushi) rants about a recent supertanker oil spill. Bill Murray makes his Oscar picks.

Transcript

Mr. DeathTranscript

Suggestions for SadatRecurring Characters: Anwar Sadat.

Cold As Ice

Dell Stator’s Rabbit Hut

Death to WatergateSummary: With help from Maureen Dean (Jane Curtin), a vampire hunter (Christopher Lee) sets out to kill Richard Nixon’s (Dan Aykroyd) memoirs.

Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon, Maureen Dean.

Transcript

Richard Belzer

Meat Loaf performs “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad”

The Mr. Bill ShowSummary: When “Mr. Bill Goes To The Circus”, his arm is decapitated by helium balloons and he is shot out of a cannon by Ringmaster Sluggo.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 15

77o: Christopher Lee / Meat Loaf

John Belushi’s New Name

…..Bill Murray
…..Gilda Radner
…..John Belushi

[ open on cartoon graphic of dalmatian running from moving cvan ]

Announcer: “101 Dalmatians Get Run Over By 101 Moving Vans” will not be seen tonight, so that NBC may present the following special program.

[ dissolve to black, fade up on the cast lockers as Gilda Radner brushes Bill Murray’s hair. In the background, John Belushi’s name is X’d out on his locker with the name Kevin Scott written below it. ]

Bill Murray: …Fine hair. There’s no point, it’s very fine…

Gilda Radner: Billy…

Bill Murray: It’s very fine.

Gilda Radner: Billy, guess what’s happening to John.

Bill Murray: Belushi? What?

Gilda Radner: He’s going to Hollywood.

Bill Murray: Why’s he going to Hollywood?

Gilda Radner: Well, it’s this thing. Like — John Chancellor is leaving the NBC Nightly News…

Bill Murray: Yeah?

Gilda Radner: And that means that everybody at NBC moves up one. Like, Tom Brokaw or however you prounounce it…

Bill Murray: Brokaw.

Gilda Radner: Brokaw. He’s going to, um… he’s going to take over the Nightly news…

Bill Murray: Yeah?

Gilda Radner: …and leave the Today Show… and Tom Snyder’s leaving the Tomorrow show, and he’s going to take over the Today Show… and Dan Hagerty’s leaving “Grizzly Adams” and he’s going to take over Tom Snyder’s part on Tomorrow.

Bill Murray: And they want John to take over for “Grizzly Adams”?

Gilda Radner: Yeah, that’s right.

Bill Murray: That lucky stiff…

Gilda Radner: Well, it’s not definite, you know? I mean, evidently the bear has final approval.

Bill Murray: But that would be something, though: “John Belushi starring as Grizzly Adams”!

Gilda Radner: Oh, it’s not gonna be “John Belushi starring as Grizzly Adams.” The network wants him to change his name.

Bill Murray: Why change his name?

Gilda Radner: Well, you see… I guess they figure that everybody associates the name “John Belushi” wih comedy and satire, you know? And this bear has no sense of humor. So the network’s making him change his name.

Bill Murray: What’s his new name?

Gilda Radner: “Kevin Scott.”

Bill Murray: “Kevin Scott”?

Gilda Radner: Yeah. It’s “Kevin –” Uh-oh! There he comes.

[ John Belushi comes stomping into the locker room ]

Bill Murray: Well, I guess congratulations are in order, “Kevin”! [ he holds out his hand ]

John Belushi: [ annoyed ] Don’t call me “Kevin”, okay? I don’t like it! It’s FORCED on me! Besides, the deal’s not definite yet. I haven’t got the part yet. Thr BEAR’S got final approval.

Bill Murray: Well, it’s a big opportunity, man.

Gilda Radner: Yeah. You must be nervous.

John Belushi: Yeah. Kind of. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime, you know?

Gilda Radner: Yeah. Well, you know somwething, John, you could be living in Hollywood!

John Belushi: I don’t LIKE Hollywood, Gilda! You know that. A bunch of PHONIES out there! You know, don’t worry about me. I’m not gonna change. [ he changes out of his usual clothes into a white jacket with Hawaiian shirt ] I’ll just be John, wherever I go — or “Kev”! [ he places a cigar into his mouth ]

Gilda Radner: John?

John Belushi: Yeah?

Gilda Radner: This is scary. I’m gonna miss ya’.

John Belushi: [ he lights his cigar ] I’m gonna miss you, too, Gilda. I’m gonna miss you, too, Billy. you know, you’ve both come a long way. You remind me of when I firsrt started out, you know? Kinda green. Who knows? Maybe they’ll be flying you out to the coast in a couple of years. When they need you out in Hollywood, they need you, I guess.

Bill Murray: Thanks, John. Coming from the next Grizzly Adams, that means quite a lot. Thank you. [ he holds out his hand ]

John Belushi: [ he shakes Bill’s hand, then begins to unbutton his shirt all the way down ] Say… hey, you know, if I don’t get a chance to say goodbye to Danny, Garrett, Laraine and, uh…?

Gilda Radner: Jane.

John Belushi: Jane! Yeah. You know, say goodbye to them for me. I’m gonna miss them all. And most of all, I’m gonna miss saying: “Live [ pronounced with the short i ] from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” Live? [ pronounced with the long i ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 15

77o: Christopher Lee / Meat Loaf

Goodnights

…..Christopher Lee

Christopher Lee: Thank you, all of you, for coming this evening. I’ve never had an experience like this in… a long, long time. [ he laughs ] I’ve had a wonderful time. And — yeah. And all I can say is, quite simply: Thank you! Thanks!

[ the cast runs up onstage to join Lee ]

[ Laraine Newman and Gilda Radner each hand him a pink flower, which he graciously accepts, then leans over to kiss both of them on the cheeks ]

[ soon, Lee wraps both girls in his arms and holds out their flowers before them as they all smile together ]

Announcer: Next Saturday, watch NBC’s “Weekend” with Lloyd Dobbin. We’ll be back in two weeks, on April 8th, and “Saturday Night”‘s live host will be Michael Palin from “Monty Python’s Flying Circus”. and, if the Easter Bunny’s listening, I’d like my eggs poached! This is Don Pardo. Good night!

[ as the camera pans out, we can see the silhoette of a male audience member walking back and forth along the upper balcony ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 15

77o: Christopher Lee / Meat Loaf

Christopher Lee’s Monologue

…..Christopher Lee
Trailer Announcer…..Tom Davis
Dr. Mobius…..Garrett Morris
Customer…..Laraine Newman
Assistant…..Gilda Radner
Husband…..Bill Murray
Wife…..Jane Curtin
The Thing…..John Belushi
Assistant…..Laraien Newman
Dr Jekyll/Mr. Rogers…..Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: Ladies and gnetlemen — Christopher Lee!

Christopher Lee: Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m quite sure that when some of you heard that Crisrtpher Lee was going to host “Saturday Night Live”, you were somewhat surprised and quite a little… apprehensive. In fact, I approached this whole thing with considerable trepidation and dread. You see, I’ve seen the show and I admire it enormously. At times, I even find it, um… quite humorous.

You know, I’ve appeared in over 130 motion pictures, and not all of them begin at 3 a.m. on Channel 9. I was the Man with the Golden Gun — a James Bond film. [ the audience applauds ] I, uh, played with Raquel Welch in “The Three –” and “Four Muskateers”. I drowned in “Airport ’77”. And I’m sure that you will remember me vividly as Trixie in “The Honeymooners”. [ the audience laughs ]

As you may know, I first came to public attention through my appearances in certain, rather… eerie, macabre films. But you may be surprised to know that I haven’t made one in several years. This is because I have a great deal of respect for this kind of film, and I don’t think that very god ones are being produced any more. Week after week, I find myself receiving scripts like “The CReature from the Black Studies Program”… and “Frankenstein Snubs the Wolfman”. And, of course, “Dr. Terror’s House of Pancakes”. To give you an idea to the depths at which this sort of picture has sunk nowadays, I can’t do better than to show you some coming attractions. Here, then, are the trailers for three current films.

[ cut to black-and-whate tape roll: 5, 4, 3, 2… ]

[ eerie music opens onto scene at baggage counter ]

Dr. Mobius: [ menacingly ] Could you describe… the suitcase?

Customer: [ distraught ] Can’t you see I’m in NO condition?!

Dr. Mobius: Well… is it an overnight bag? A valise? A garment bag? Huh? Perhaps — perhaps MY ASSISTANT can be of some help! Come, Assistant!

[ the hunchbacked Assistant enters carrying the customer’s wrong luggage ]

[ the Customer screams in agony ]

Trailer Announcer: When you visit the island of Dr. Mobius, you leave your soul and your BAGS behind! For this is… [ title card appears ] “The Island of Lost Luggage”! Based on a story by H.G. Wells — although the luggage part was really the idea of Frank Mormon, who’s in charge of Eastern Airlines — “The Island of Lost Luggage” is one of the most terrifying motion pictures EVER made! [ with SUPER: ] Warning! No One Will Be Seated During the Horrifying Tote-Bag Sequence!”

Customer: Mobius! You MONSTER! Give me my luggage!

Dr. Mobius: Certainly! But first, you must rest and visit my laboratory! [ the Assistant snickers ] And, by the way — I’m sure that you have your claim check?

[ Dr. Mobius and his assistant laugh evilly, as the Customer screams in terror ]

[ dissolve to title slide ]

Trailer Announcer: “The Island of Lost Luggage” — an experience in terror and inconvenience! Now at neighborhood theaters — special 3-D glasses available in lobby.

[ dissolve to black-and-whate tape roll: 3, 2… ]

[ open on married couple sitting on couch with visitor leafing through their record albums ]

Husband: Well, uh — we’re glad thart you could, uh… [ he yawns ] stop by, but, uh… [ he yawns again ] it’s getting pretty larte, and, uh, we’d better get to bed now.

The Thing: Don’t you have any records besides these? [ he pulls out an album ] I think I’m gonna borrow this one.

Wife: [ screams in terror ]

Trailer Announcer: It came without warning! They were just being POLITE! They didn’t realize thart they’d be stuck with… [ music sting, as title appears ] “The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave”!

Husband: [ as the Thing lights a cigar and eats chips ] You see, uh… we both have to be at work real early tomorrow morning, see…?

The Thing: God, I’m thirsty! Is there anything in the fridge?

Wife: [ screams in terror ]

Husband: Look — I don’t want to be rude, but… my wife is VERY tired!

The Thing: [ leafing through the TV Guide ] Yeah… Hey, there’s a good movie on tonight! I think I’ll call up some friends and watch it over here!

Wife: [ screams in terror ]

Trailer Announcer: It came from beyond the grave! A creature SO rude, SO inconsiderate… they thought it would NEVER leave!

The Thing: [ reaching for the phone ] I’m gonna make a long-distance call! Okay?

Wife: [ screams in terror ]

Trailer Announcer: “The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave”! You may never have guests again! [ dissolve to slide ] “The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave”! Held over 5th week at neighborhood theaters. It may never leave!

[ dissolve to black-and-whate tape roll: 5, 4, 3, 2… ]

[ open on creepy laboratory ]

Trailer Announcer: Vincent Price is Dr. Jekyll! Vincent Price has never BEEN more terrifying!

Assistant: Henry! You MUST get some sleep! You drive yourself so!

Dr. Jeykyl: I CAN’T stop now — not when I’m so close!

Assistant: Henry! Come back to the university!

Dr. Jeykyl: The university? Where they LAUGHED at my experiments, and called me a MADMAN! We’ll see who’s mad now! [ he sips from a potion ]

Assistant: Henry! No!

[ she screams as he laughs maniacally and thunder rumbles ]

Trailer Announcer: Dr. Henry Jekyll! A brilliant scientist! But there are some doors man was NEVER meant to open! Vincent Price IS Dr. Henry Jekyll, in… [ title appears ] “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Rogers”!

[ Dr. Jekyll enters a closet and changes from his lab coat to a blue sweater, as the familiar children’s theme plays in the background ]

Mr. Rogers: [ singing, as he changes his shoes ]
“It’s a beautiful day in this neighborhood
A beautiful day for a neighbor
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
It’s a neighborly day in this beauty-wood
A neighborly day for beauty
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?”

Hi, neighbor! I’m glad we’re together today. Do you know what this is? This is Yes Day. That’s right! Yes Day! Can you say that? Mmm-hmm. I thought you could! Over here, we’ve got our little desk. A beaker! Can you say that?

[ Assistant screams ]

Trailer Announcer: “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Rogers”! Just keep saying to yourself: “It’s educational!”

[ fade to black and open back on Christopher Lee at Home Base ]

Christopher Lee: You see what I mean?

[ dissolve to audience applauding, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Passing For Cute” ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 15










Amazon.com Widgets

77o: Christopher Lee / Meat Loaf

Mr. Bill Goes to the Circus

Mr. Hands: Hey kids, it’s time for the Mr. Bill show!

(curtain rises to reveal Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: Ho ho kiddies! Oh it’s so good to see all your bright faces out there in front of the tv set. Oh we’re going to have a great time today because we’re having our own circus! But now I’d like to introduce you to my friend. He helps me all the time. Mr. Hands!

Mr. Hands: (starts molding Spot) Hey Mr. Bill. Say, a friend of yours is coming to see you.

Mr. Bill: Oh really? Who could that be Mr. Hands, huh?

Mr. Hands: (sings) Here comes Mr. Bill’s dog.

Mr. Bill: Oh Spot! Hey Spot! How’s my dog? How are you doing huh? Say Mr. Hands, can you help me pet him huh?

Mr. Hands: Sure Mr. Bill. But you know, he looks mighty hungry. I think we better feed him right away.

Mr. Bill: But I don’t have any dog food.

Mr. Hands: (starts molding Sluggo) Don’t worry. One of your best friends is dropping in and he’s going to bring some dog food.

Mr. Bill: Who’s that huh?

Mr. Hands: He’s one of your best friends.

Mr. Bill: Oh wait. No, no! He’s not my friend! No, he’s always mean to me!

Mr. Hands: No, it’s friendly Mr. Sluggo! And his special dog food (which is a can with a skull and crossbones label)

Mr. Bill: That’s not dog food!

Mr. Hands: Sure it is. And he says not a speck of cereal. (takes a spoonful and gives it to Spot)

Mr. Bill: No wait. It’s poison! Don’t eat it Spot! Ohhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: See you later Spot! (swats Spot away)

Mr. Bill: Oh why! Why!

Mr. Hands: Never mind Mr. Bill because we’re going to have our circus.

Mr. Bill: Oh I love the circus.

Mr. Hands: (with a bunch of balloons) I bought you this present Mr. Bill. (Starts tying the string of the balloons around Mr. Bill’s arm.)

Mr. Bill: No wait, that’s too tight! Too tight!

Mr. Hands: I wouldn’t want you to lose your balloons.

Mr. Bill: No wait! No! I can’t hold it! I can’t, wait! (the helium of the balloons rips Mr. Bill’s arm out.) Ohhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Oh, Mr. Bill, you lost your balloons! (starts molding Sluggo again) You know Mr. Bill, we need somebody to run our circus. So who’s always in charge of a circus?

Mr. Bill: I don’t know. Who?

Mr. Hands: The ringmaster!

Mr. Bill: Oh he’s no ringmaster!

Mr. Hands: Sure he’s Ringmaster Sluggo. (starts tossing a bowling pin) And he says for our first act tonight, you and I are going to be a juggling team. So catch the bowling pin! (Tosses the bowling pin at Mr. Bill’s head knocking it off.)

Mr. Bill: No wait, Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Why! Why!

Mr. Hands: (placing Mr. Bill’s head back on and placing him on a high wire.) For our next act, Ringmaster Sluggo says you’re going to do a daring high wire act.

Mr. Bill: No wait, I’ll fall!

Mr. Hands: Don’t worry. I made you a special net in case you slip (places a small net made of plastic)

Mr. Bill: No I can’t, no!

Mr. Hands: Now walk the tightrope Mr. Bill! (Drops Mr. Bill who falls into the floor)

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: You know Mr. Bill, no circus would be complete without the traditional shoot the man out of the cannon stunt! (places a cannon on the stage and places the pieces of Mr. Bill in who is groaning) Now let me get you ready. Nice and snug Mr. Bill. Now I’m going to light the fuse. (does so) So until next week kids, (Mr. Bill is shot out of the cannon) Mr. Bill says so long for Mr. Sluggo, Mr. Spot and everybody in the big top! (The arm with the balloons reappears as the curtain falls)

(dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on punk male sticking his tongue out as CAPTION: “Mentally Overdressing Date” appears)

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 15

77o: Christopher Lee / Meat Loaf

Mr. Death

Written by: Alan Zweibel, Herb Sargent, & Gilda Radner

Mother … Jane Curtin
Penny … Laraine Newman
Mr. Death … Christopher Lee

[A little girl’s bedroom at bedtime. A mother comfortsher daughter, Penny.]

Mother: Your father and I will get you another dogright away, honey. We promise.

Penny: I don’t want another dog! I want Tippy! Why didTippy have to die?

Mother: Honey, dogs die just like people do. Just likewhen Grandpa died.

Penny: You mean, Grandpa also swallowed a doorknob?

Mother: Well, no, not– No. But – but don’t worry,honey, tomorrow we’ll pick out a new dog.

Penny: Can I name him “Tippy”?

Mother: Of course you can.

Penny: Well….

Mother: Good. Now, close your eyes and get a goodnight’s sleep [kisses Penny on forehead] and I’ll seeyou tomorrow.

Penny: Good night, Mom.

[Mother shuts off light and exits. Penny gets out fromunder the covers, kneels by the bed and says herprayers:]

Penny: Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord mysoul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I praythe Lord my soul to take. [Unseen by Penny, a shadowyfigure moves into view behind her] God bless Mommy andDaddy and my best friend Karen and my dead dog Tippy.Amen.

Mr. Death: That’s very nice, Penny.

[Penny turns and rises to confront Mr. Death, a GrimReaper with a deep, cultured voice, wearing a darkrobe, and carrying a huge scythe. Penny is not scaredat all, just amazed.]

Penny: Hey! Who are you? What are you doing in my room?

Mr. Death: I’m … sorry about Tippy and I came to apologize.

Penny: Are you the man who made Tippy die?

Mr. Death: Well, sort of. Tippy was on my list.

Penny: [upset] What list? What do you mean?

Mr. Death: Oh, please don’t get too angry at me. Everyday I’m given a list of lives that … have to end.It’s – it’s not the greatest job in the world but it’sa living.

Penny: [sits at foot of bed] But you KILLED Tippy! Andthat’s bad! ‘Cause in Sunday school we learned the TenCommandments. Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt notsteal. Thou shalt not cover up thy neighbor’s wife.Thou shalt not witness false bears. Thou shalt not–

Mr. Death: [sits next to Penny] Yes, you areabsolutely right, Penny. You are right. You are notsupposed to kill and, well, I – I don’t … kill.

Penny: What do you do?

Mr. Death: Well, when you are born, Mr. Life is there.And when you die, Mr. Death takes over.

Penny: Well, you’re mean, Mr. Death. You make people cry.

Mr. Death: Well, I can’t help that, Penny. I’m …inevitable. Everything has to die. People, animals, flowers.

Penny: What about rocks?

Mr. Death: Rocks were never alive so they can’t die.

Penny: What about dolls?

Mr. Death: Same thing.

Penny: Once, Tippy ate off one of my doll’s heads andI yelled at him and I hit him with the newspaper andhe hid under the couch and – now I’m sorry and I can’ttell him – oh! – ’cause he’s not here anymore and Ihate you! Why don’t you take Kenny Tuckman? He sitsbehind me in school and pokes me!

Mr. Death: [pulls a scroll from his pocket] Tuckman?[consults the scroll] Tuckman? No. I don’t see him onmy list, uh, for-for quite a while. I wish thatRichard Harris and Nick Nolte were on it.

Penny: Can I see that?

Mr. Death: [pockets the scroll] Oh, no, no, no. No,Penny! That’s, uh, that’s very private.

Penny: I’ll bet you killed a million thousand skilliontrillion people.

Mr. Death: Well, I don’t know if “killed” is the rightword. But I have got a big list.

Penny: My grandpa?

Mr. Death: Yes.

Penny: Senator Humphrey?

Mr. Death: Yes.

Penny: Jesus?

Mr. Death: No, the Romans did that.

Penny: Did you come here to get me?

Mr. Death: No.

Penny: Once, I had a baby chick — it died. Lastsummer, I caught a frog — died. And then I had ahamster — died. Goldfish — died. Turtle — died.

Mr. Death: So I hate small animals! You can’t blame me for that.

Penny: That’s terrible!

Mr. Death: I told you, I just came here to apologizeabout Tippy. It’s the first time I’ve ever apologizedto anyone. I’m – I’m not used to this. So don’t makeit any harder for me, please. Do you mind if I have adrink? [pulls out a flask, unscrews it, and takes a snort]

Penny: You’re drinking whiskey, aren’t ya? You know,when my dad does that, some times he feels so bad inthe morning he can’t even go to work.

Mr. Death: Well, I wish I didn’t have to go to work.You think I like making little girls like you cry?

Penny: [sympathetically] Oh, Mr. Death!

Mr. Death: I wanted to be … Mother Nature. Didn’twork out. I couldn’t tell butter from margarine. So Iwent into this field and I’m quite successful at itbut all the recognition, it doesn’t help at all, youknow. Poets, novelists, playwrights, philosophers,they’ve all written about me. Ingmar Bergman makesmovies I’ll never understand. Why don’t they justaccept me for, well, for what I am? I’m – I’m just aman with a job to do. Someone has to do it. [pause]Well, I’m off. [rises, Penny follows]

Penny: Well, where’re ya goin’ now, Mr. Death?

Mr. Death: I’m going to Lebanon. I have some moppingup to do there.

Penny: Well, are you really sorry about Tippy?

Mr. Death: Yes, I am.

Penny: Well, I guess I forgive you.

Mr. Death: Thank you, Penny.

Penny: Mr. Death, will I ever see Tippy again?

Mr. Death: Oh, yes, someday. Someday I’ll take you tohim but that won’t be for a long time.

Penny: When?!

Mr. Death: [she’s asked one question too many and hesnaps at her] I’ll come and visit you on yourfifteenth birthday!

Penny: What?

Mr. Death: [realizes he’s said too much] Oh, justkidding, Penny. You, uh, you better get to bed.

Penny: [climbs into bed] Okay. Well, Mr. Death, I’msorry I got mad at you. I know you have a hard job.

Mr. Death: [sits beside her] It’s not easy. But rightnow you have a job to do, young lady, and that’s to goto sleep.

Penny: Okay. Mr. Death, can you kiss me good night?

Mr. Death: Penny?

Penny: Yeah?

Mr. Death: [crisply] Don’t press your luck. [rises andwalks off]

[ pull out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… How To Break The Smoke-Enders Habit” ]

[ fade ]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 15

77o: Christopher Lee / Meat Loaf

Death to Watergate

Vampire Hunter…..Christopher Lee
Carl…..John Belushi
Maureen Dean…..Jane Curtin
Richard Nixon…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open outside foogy gate at night, as thunder crashes ]

Vampire Hunter: If she’s not here soon, I’m afraid it’ll be too late, Carl! The sun will be up in a few hours, and we will have missed our last chance to put an end to it!

Carl: I think I hear someone approaching now… if I’m not mistaken.

[ Maureen Dean runs up ]

Vampire Hunter: [ relieved ] Thank God you are here! I was afraid something had happened to you! We have only a few hours until DAYBREAK!

Maureen Dean: Are you SURE we’re doing the right thing, Doctor? I don’t know if I can DO it!

Vampire Hunter: You must do it, Maureen, you’re our only hope!

Carl: He’ll open the gates for you! You KNOW he will!

Vampire Hunter: Once we are in the mansion, Carl and I will take care of EVERYTHING!

Maureen Dean: Are you gonna have to use that? [ she points to his wooden stake ]

Vampire Hunter: It’s the only way! A wooden stake is the only waty to keep him from haunting us FOREVER! It must be done!

Maureen Dean: I’m scared!

Vampire Hunter: Maureen, remember! You have nothing to fear as long as he doesn’t touch you! Be careful! Remember: He’s tricky.

[ thunder crashes ]

[ dissolve to mansion interior, as former President Richard Nixon towers over a window and stares into the night ]

[ he closes the window, then lifts a copy of his oversized manuscript and sits in his chair ]

Richard Nixon: I think I’ll read it over one more time! It’s going out to the publishers tomorrow morning. This will be my last chance. “Memoirs, by Richard Nixon. Nineteen dollars and ninety-five cents.” [ he turns a page ] “Chapter One. I was born in the house my father built…”

[ the security system buzzes ]

Richard Nixon: [ answering ] Yes?

Maureen Dean: Mr. President?

Richard Nixon: I — I don’t recall the voice.

Maureen Dean: Mr. President, it’s Maureen Dean. I was wondering if I could talk to you?

Richard Nixon: [ piqued ] M-Maureen! What a surprise! Are you alone?

Maureen Dean: Uh… yes, I am, Mr. President…

Richard Nixon: [ excited ] Well, come on in! I’ll put on some java!

[ Nixon turns on Johnny Mathis’s “Misty” on the record plater, then changes into his smoking jacket ]

Richard Nixon: [ singing ] “…As a kitten up a tree. I’m…”

[ Vampire Hunter and Carl burst into the room ]

Richard Nixon: NO!! NO!! Pat! Pat! Help!

Carl: I don’t like that song. [ he turns the record off ]

Vampire Hunter: You know what we are here for! We have come to put the soul of Watergate to REST! It has HAUNTED us long enough! It must be DONE WITH once and for all!

Maureen Dean: [ grabbing the manuscript ] I’ve got it! This is it!

Richard Nixon: Give it back to me, Maureen! It’s MINE!

Vampire Hunter: Don’t worry, Maureen! [ he holds up a pocket mirror, as Nixon winces ] This mirror will keep him at bay! He HATES to see his own reflection!

Maureen Dean: Haven’t you polluted America enough?! Haven’t you profited enough from your MISTAKES?!

Richard Nixon: Give it back to me, Mo! I’ll make it up to you.

Vampire Hunter: Don’t listen to him, Maureen! Quick! Carl! Carl! Unwrap the picture!

Carl: Aw, I forgot it outside. I’ll be right back! [ he runs out the door ]

Richard Nixon: [ trying to be charming ] Don’t — don’t you remember what a swell time we had at the state dinner for the Shah?

Vampire Hunter: Don’t look at him!

Richard Nixon: My memoirs are the foundation for my comeback! There’ll be a place for you in my administration, Maureen…

Vampire Hunter: Don’t look at him in the eyes!

Richard Nixon: In my new administration… there may even be a place for you on the ticket. Nixon and Dean. I like that!

Vampire Hunter: Don’t listen to him, Maureen! Remember what he did to Agnew!

Richard Nixon: You know… the Vice-President gets his own mansion now. [ seductively ] You could decorate it any way you wanted!

Vampire Hunter: DON’T look at him, Maureen! Try to think of something else!

Richard Nixon: Think of all those parties, all those people! Telling you how PRETTY you look! Think of that!

[ suddenly, Carl rushes in with the framed photo of wight D. Eisenhower, which causes Nixon to recoil in fear ]

Maureen Dean: Are you SURE you’ve got to go through with it? Maybe he’s changed!

Vampire Hunter: If we don’t put an end to it NOW, it will only be a matter of WEEKS before it spreads to libraries and bookstores in every city, town and mall in America! The STENCH of San Clemente will SEEP into commuter trains, bus stations and bookmobiles! The country REEK as never before over this FOUL affair that continues to decompose but REFUSES TO DIE!! We CAN’T allow the UNDEAD to go on HAUNTING US!! We must put the soul of Watergate TO REST!! NOW!!

[ Vampire Hunter pounds the wooden stake through the manuscript, as Nixon clutches his heart, gasps and collapses into a chair ]

Vampire Hunter: Look! See how peaceful he looks?

Maureen Dean: He hasn’t looked that peaceful since the party.

Vampire Hunter: Well, we must burn it now. Our work is nearly over.

[ Vampire Hunter grabs the manuscript and leads his party out of the mansion ]

[ Nixon swallows, then looks up from his chair and rises toward his typewriter. He places a sheet of paper into the typewriter and recites his manuscript as he types ]

Richard Nixon: “Memoirs, by Richard Nixon. Nineteen dollars and ninety-five cents.” [ he turns a page ] “Chapter One. I was born in the house my father built…”

[ pull out to wide view of set, with SUPER: “coming up next… Is Eight Really Enough?” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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