Category: 1977

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SNL Transcripts: Art Garfunkel: 03/11/78: Art Garfunkel’s Monologue

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 13

77m: Art Garfunkel / Stephen Bishop

Art Garfunkel’s Monologue

…..Art Garfunkel
…..John Belushi

[ Art Garfunkel enters and takes the center stage. He starts to perform”(What a) Wonderful World”, but after the first verse, the speaker goesout. ]

Art Garfunkel: Can we stop? Can we do it again? I’m sorry, the speakerwent bad. It sounded weird, right?

John Belushi: [ enters ] What’s the matter, Art? Did something go wrong?

Art Garfunkel: The feedback.. the speaker threw me a little bit. Letme start again..

John Belushi: Oh, the speaker again, huh? [ kicks speaker down ] Thiswhole place is falling apart, really.

Art Garfunkel: John, it’s all right, really.

John Belushi: No it’s not all right! It’s not all right! The speaker’sbeen broken for quite a while, they used it on “Hullabaloo” a few yearsback. You see, the network still sees us as a late night show, so we don’tget the good equipment.

Art Garfunkel: Uh, John..

John Belushi: You know, it’s a corporate structure, I don’t want totalk about it. You know, I’ve been around here for three years, so I knowthese things. Now, if Paul Williams was doing a special, he’d get the bestsound equipment, he’d get martial amps, you know, they’d do it like.. [ looksat back of stage ] ..pros! Do you know what I mean guys? Pros! You know. Butif a major star, like yourself, goes on Saturday Night Live, the speakerfeeds back. It’s the lowest!

Art Garfunkel: It’s alright, John.

John Belushi: No, it goes all the way down the line, Artie. The speaker’sthe tip of the iceberg. I mean, they’re using us! And it just shouldn’tbe that way. There’s no reason why Garret Morris should have to get upearly so he can drive Jane Pauley to work on Monday. You know, I’ve hadit! The speaker thing, it’s the last straw!

Art Garfunkel: I don’t want to start anything. The sound wasn’t thatbad. I could just take it from the top..

John Belushi: Don’t do it, Artie. Come on, don’t do this. Don’t givein an inch. Come on, let’s assert ourselves. And we’ve both done a prettygood job for this network. And besides, there are other networks. That’sright, and there are other networks. NBC Isn’t God, you think NBC’s God,well they’re not, because God would never put Part 3 of Loose Change onbefore Part 2. Okay, stick with me, Artie, stck with me. Let’s get outof here. Come on..

Art Garfunkel: John, look, it was an honest error, maybe I was off-keya little bit. I don’t want to start any trouble. I’ve been honored to ahost on the show, everyone’s been nice to me all week, let’s not make waves.Just let me do the song from the top.

John Belushi: You’re really something, Garfunkel. you really are. Youknow, I didn’t have to come out here. I didn’t see Gilda or Danny cometo your aid when your song went down the toilet. Oh no, you know, it wasme. I came out here, I didn’t have to. I could have stayed in my dressingroom, by myself, and let you die out here alone. But nooooo! I gottacome out here and help you, and what do you do? You turn on me like a shark!

Art Garfunkel: Come on, John it’s not..

John Belushi: Don’t “Come on John” me! You’re like all the rest.Look what happened to you, Mister big recording star, you sold out! I rememberwhen you used to sing songs, song with meaning, songs with integrity, thelyrics meant something. Like “The Boxer”. A song about street people, loneliness.[ singing ] “La-la-Laa, la-la-laa-la-la-la-la-la-la.” That meantsomething to people, but are you singing that now? Noooooooo! No, you’re alittle successful, so what do you do? You drop Paul Simon like a hotpotato, and now you’re singing some Sam Cooke song.. [ mimics Garfunkel ] “Idon’t care to be an A-student, but I try to be..” I mean I like those lyrics, thoseare great lyrics, really good lyrics. Really good, good lyrics, good song. Go ahead withyour song.. [ sarcastically ] ..Mr. LP. Big man, go ahead. [ starts to leave ]

Art Garfunkel: Okay, from the top..

John Belushi: [ returns back ] Oh, by the way, nice hair, Artie.

[ Belushi leaves again, as Garfunkel resumes “(What a) Wonderful World” ]

Art Garfunkel: We’ll be right back.

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

77m: Art Garfunkel / Stephen Bishop

SNL Transcripts: Art Garfunkel: 03/11/78: Tomorrow

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 13

Tomorrow

Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd
Andy Strauss…..Art Garfunkel

[ open on “Tomorrow” graphics ]

[ dissolve to Tom Snyder ]

Tom Snyder: Hello, everybody. At the outset of tonight’s program, I just — without bringing anybody to town, of course — I just want to relate a personal tragedy that happened in my life, certainly. When we moved out here to Southern California, I expected, of course, to miss all the snow they’re having back east and to the north. Today, I woke up, found my whole car covered from a mudslide due to the torrential rains we’ve been having here in Southern California. So I guess that just proves it — you can take it from ME: The weather is EVERYWHERE!

[ he stubs his cigarette ]

Tom Snyder: Tonight on our show, we’re gonna be dealing with a subject that’s been a considerable concern to people in both legal and medical professions. It’s been getting a LOT of attention in the press lately. I’m talking, of ocurse, about BATTERED HUSBANDS! And, uh — [ he coughs into his hand ] Excuse me. Tonight, we have with us a battered husband, a gentleman who will be calling “Frank”. Franks has asked us not to reveal his real identity or show his face, because — [ he scoffs ] Well, let’s face it — If I were embarrassed of my wife, I’d be a little embarrassed myself! [ he laughs uproariously ] Frank, why don’t you tell us: How the HECK does a guy get to be a battered husband, anyway?

[ reveal “Frank” submerged in the dark ]

Guest: Well, Tom… my first wife beat me fifteen years ago, after she found me… found me masturbating. She, uh, poured boiling water on me and hit me in the face with a baseball bat. Sh-she’s beaten me ever since, and I live in constant terror.

Tom Snyder: Of your life, Sir?

Guest: Yes… but, also, in terror that my friends and neigbors and colleagues at work will discover the humiliating truth that… I-I am a battered husband. You know, I’ve never been able to speak to anyone about this before, and I’m — I’m here today, anonymously, to help other men who are living in this dark, tortured, private hell. I want to show them that there are others who masturbate and cry alone in the dark, out of shame and fear.

Tom Snyder: Okay, Sir, I’ll buy that, Andy! Uh — I’m sorry. “Frank.” [ he chcukles nervously ] Your name’s not Andy, it’s… It’s not Frank, either! It’s neither Frank nor Andy, but whatever your name is, it’s certainly not ANDY! Alright, uh — Andy. Not Andy. Alright — Mr. Strauss. Uh — Sorry! [ he chuckles nervously ] Your name’s not Andy Strauss! I once knew a guy in local radio, his name was Andy Strauss — the name just popped into my head! [ he adjusts himself in his seat ] Now, uh, could you describe your wife, physically?

Guest: I — I’d rather not give any information that could reveal my identity.

Tom Snyder: Well… would it be safe to say that she weighs less than 120 pounds?

Guest: …Yes.

Tom Snyder: And you, Sir, are an able-bodied man. You look to be about 155, 160 pounds. Six feet tall! My question to you, Sir, is: Why the heck don’t you just get up some morning and KICK the living daylights out of her?!

Guest: Well, I’m afraid that she’ll withhold sex.

Tom Snyder: So she’s the type of gal who would use sex as a weapon?

Guest: Well, that’s right… Sometimes she tells me to “go get sex elsewhere.”

Tom Snyder: Well, Frank — do ya’?

Guest: …No.

Tom Snyder: Well, why not?

Guest: I can’t…

Tom Snyder: Well, sir — You’re not an unattractive man. I mean, he’s got nice delicate-looking features, a nice complexion, a birthmark there under your left eye… You mean to say you can’t get some BIMBO to take a roll in yhe hay with ya’?!

Guest: Well… the problem is, I’m impotent with women other than my wife.

Tom Snyder: Okay, let’s see if we’ve got this straight here: I’m the owner of a Strauss Construction machinery dealership in Bennington, Vermont… I’m sorry — You’re not from Bennington, Vermont, it’s another town entirely… And you’re in the construction machinery business, and, Frank, you’re regularly beaten by your wife. We’ve established that. And husband-beating is a very serious thing. This is serious. We’re not fooling around here. FRank had some pictures, which he showed me, and I took the liberty of having one blown up. [ he holds up a photo ] He’s SO battered here, you’d NEVER recognize him…

Guest: Wait! That’s my face! They’ll see my face! [ he jolts out of the darkness to cover his photo, revealing his face anyway ]

Tom Snyder: They’re seeing your face right now!

[ Frank covers his face ashamedly ]

Tom Snyder: You should have just sat there in the dark! I told you! You’ve blown it now! We might as well call you Andy — What the heck, the cat’s out of the bag! It’s all for the best, I guess. Ladies and gentlemen, in case you don’t know what’s going on here, we’ve been talking to Andy Strauss. He runs a Strauss Construction machinery dealership in Bennington, Vermont, with his brother Paul. He’s afraid if his wife, he cries in the dark, and he’s a battered masturbator! That’s about it, thank you very much. You’re welcome to come back ANY TIME, any time at all.

Guest: [ crying ] You’ve RUINED my life!

Tom Snyder: Well… sure, I guess I’ve ruined your life. Fair enough, I’ll buy that, Andy. [ Andy crawls off the set ] Ladies and gentlemen — Good night! We’ll see you tomorrow on the show! tune in, I’m gonna be talking about my eyebrows — I’m losing my eyebrows, and I want to talk a little bit about that. Thank you, everybody.

[ camera pulls up into audience, zooms in on woman with SUPER: “Overdrawn At Memory Bank” ]

[ fade ]

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SNL Transcripts: Jill Clayburgh: 03/18/78

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 14

]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

March 18th, 1978

Jill Clayburgh

Eddie Money

None

None

Don Novello

Tom Schiller

Rosie Shuster

Alan Zweibel

Anne Beatts

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Al Franken
Garrett Morris sings “Danny Boy”Summary: This time, Garrett Morris writes the jokey scroll that appears on-screen as he sings an Irish ditty.

Montage

Jill Clayburgh’s MonologueSummary: Jill Clayburgh runs short on time while explaining how much more effort she’s going to put into her monologue this time around.

First Hosted: 75o.

Transcript

Royal Deluxe IISummary: The vehicle that rides smooth enough to allow a rabbi to perform a circumcision in the back seat.

Note: Repeat from: 77a.

Olympia CafeSummary: A new waitress (Jill Clayburgh) finds the static menu choices annoying, while a female customer (Jane Curtin) tries to post a benefit sign for two little boys who swallowed a balloon.

Recurring Characters: Pete Dionasopolis, George Dionasopolis, Sandy Dionasopolis, Nico Dionasopolis, Mike Dionasopolis.

Transcript

Sybil IIISummary: Ditzy psychoanalyst (Jill Clayburgh) thinks three women named Sybil (Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman) are actually one woman with three split personalities.

Recurring Characters: Colleen Fernman.

Transcript

Bad One-Man TheaterSummary: Leonard Pinth-Garnell (Dan Aykroyd) presents the one-man play “An Evening With…”, which actually consists of five actors performing rambling monologues simultaneously.

Recurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell, Steve Bushakis, Ronnie Bateman.

Eddie Money performs “Baby Hold On”

NutrifixSummary: Mom (Jane Curtin) promotes the breakfast-on-the-go substitute,

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydRecurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Everything’s BlurrySummary: On an airplane, a bespectacled woman (Jill Clayburgh) sits next to a proud man (John Belushi) who refuses to acknowledge his own vision problem.

Transcript

Shower MikeSummary: Richard Herkiman (Bill Murray) interrupts his wife, Jane’s (Gilda Radner), shower to help rekindle the relationship of their neighbors Morty (John Belushi) and Judy Coony (Jill Clayburgh).

Recurring Characters: Richard Herkiman, Jane Herkiman.

Transcript

The Coneheads On EarthSummary: Prymaat (Jane Curtin) is incensed to discover that Beldar (Dan Aykroyd) has been having an affair with one of his driving students (Jill clayburgh).

Recurring Characters: Beldar Conehead, Prymaat Conehead, Connie Conehead, Ronnie Getsetter.

Transcript

Celebrity Crack-UpSummary: Tony Orlando (Bill Murray), Roberty Blake (John Belushi), Richard Pryor (Garrett Morris), and Claudine Longet (Gilda Radner) relate their tales of cracking up to one another.

Recurring Characters: Robert Blake, Tony Orlando.

Eddie Money performs “Two Tickets to Paradise”

RelationshipsSummary: Jill Clayburgh sings a song about relationships.

GoodnightsTranscript

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SNL Transcripts: Jill Clayburgh: 03/18/78: The Coneheads on Earth

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 14

The Coneheads on Earth

Student…..Jill Clayburgh
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman
Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Ronnie…..Bill Murray

[ open in interior, motel room, Student smoking a cigarette in bed ]

Student: You might not believe this, but.. this is the first time I’ve ever done this in a motel. I mean, I just split with my old man, and we were really tight. The only reason I’m here tonight is that I think you’re really.. “special”.

[ Beldar Conehead steps out of the bathroom, and lights up an entire pack of cigarettes ]

Beldar Conehead: “Special”?

[ SUPER: “The Coneheads On Earth” ]

Student: Ye-eah.. Oh, I’ve never been with anyone from France before! [ playing with Beldar’s Sensor Ring ] Hey, what do you call these things again?

Beldar Conehead: Sensor Rings.

Student: Sensor Rings! Yeah! Wow! Well, anyway, they made it really beautiful! I mean.. really different! [ Beldar begins to get dressed ] Hey, what’s happening, Beldar? Are you splitting on me, or what?

Beldar Conehead: Prymaat must not discover that a human has administered the Sensor Rings!

Student: Oh.. Prymaat. I bet that’s your old lady, huh?

Beldar Conehead: Correct! She is my spousal unit, chosen by the larthron spheres of Mypzor!

Student: Yeah, yeah, I had a heavy thing happening with my old man, too. Well, I suppose we’ll see each other at our next driving lesson..

Beldar Conehead: Correct!

Student: [ sighs ] Couldn’t you just make up some old story for your old lady? You know, so we could spend the entire night together? I mean, it’s not such a big risk..

Beldar Conehead: [ jumps up, enraged ] NO, foolish one! Prymaat and I are the Timekeepers of Remulak! We must fulfill our mission to seize and establish your miserable little planet as a minor refueling station for the High Master’s star cruiser! Besides.. if she found out, she’d kill me!

Student: Okay, Beldar, that’s cool. At least let me slip you one before you go. [ Beldar agrees, as she puts the Sensor Ring over his cone ]

[ dissolve to the Conehead Family living room, Prymaat staring at the phone as Connie sits next to her ]

Connie Conehead: Mommy? I wish to consume mass quantities immediately. My human friend will be here soon to take me to a drive-in movie.

Prymaat Conehead: Drive-in movie?

Connie Conehead: Drive-in movie. A two-dimensional life projection of psycho-sexual release beams viewed from inside internal combustion vehicles.

Prymaat Conehead: Ahh! I remember when Beldar would take me to view ignaray formations under the azog pools on Remulak.

Connie Conehead: Yes, yes, I know. You’ve showed me your memory crystals. [stands ] I must go upstairs now and prepare my cone for my date. [ retreats upstairs ]

[ Beldar enters the front door ]

Beldar Conehead: Hello, honey. I’m home. [ silence between them ] What’s for mass consumption?

Prymaat Conehead: What’s this? Can’t you even touch cones when we come home now?

Beldar Conehead: Sorry. [ they touch cones ]

Prymaat Conehead: The pre-designated time coordinates for evening mass consumption has long since passed! Please communicate to me the reason for your delay!

Beldar Conehead: A large meteorite fell from the sky. I stopped to examine it. Yes, that’s it! A large meteorite!

Prymaat Conehead: That’s the third meteorite this month! [ notices his back ] Beldar! The Sensor Rings! [ pulls it from behind his back ] You have removed them from our sleep chamber! Unacceptable!

Beldar Conehead: No!

Prymaat Conehead: There are red markings on your cone! Unacceptable! Unacceptable! You have been with a human! Mip! Mip!

Beldar Conehead: Human?! Sensor Rings?! Mip! Mip!

Prymaat Conehead: Silence! Our young one approaches, she must not know!

Connie Conehead: [ re-enters ] Hi, Daddy! [ they touch cones ]

Prymaat Conehead: Let us consume mass quantities of your favorite meal! I have prepared it buffet-style.

[ they circle the dining stand ]

Beldar Conehead: Ah! Insect repellent strips and fiberglass insulation. [ eats ] Pass the fiberglass.

Prymaat Conehead: Mip!

Beldar Conehead: You don’t have to bite my cone off!

[ doorbell rings ]

Connie Conehead: Finally, my human date. I am glad he has arrived. [ opens door ] Hi, Ronnie! You have met my parental units.

Ronnie: Hi, Mr. & Mrs. Conehead! We’ve met before. Come on, I’m Ronnie Getsetter.

Beldar Conehead: Good evening! We invite you to consume mass quantities!

Ronnie: What are you having?

Connie Conehead: Petroleum insect strips, fiberglass insulation, and beer.

Ronnie: [ grossed out ] I just ate before I came over, thanks. But Iwill have some of this beer, uh.. if you don’t mind. [ packs up 4 or 5 of the six-packs ] We’re going to the movies, you know? Finally gonna see “Close Encounters”.

Beldar Conehead: “Close Encounters”?

Ronnie: Yeah. It’s a movie about UFOs.

Coneheads: UFOs! [ they laugh ]

Connie Conehead: Well. Good night, parental units.

Ronnie: Gee, thanks for the brewskis! [ they leave ]

Prymaat Conehead: [ sitting ] Beldar.. I understand physical urges. But, of all creatures, why a human? How could you?

Beldar Conehead: I don’t know, Prymaat. Sometimes my cone has a mind of its own, and I behave like a common flabrab!

Prymaat Conehead: Mip! Mip!

[ phone rings ]

Beldar Conehead: [ answers phone ] Greetings! Prymaat? I will summon her. Prymaat.

Prymaat Conehead: [ takes the phone ] Greetings. [ eyes grow wide ] Jerry!

Beldar Conehead: Jerry?

Prymaat Conehead: I instructed you never to call me here! Mip! Mip!

Beldar Conehead: [ outraged ] Jerry! Mip! You have also been with a human! Mip! Prymaat, we must resist these humans!

Prymaat Conehead: Yes, I agree. We must remember humans are inferior beings, they must not be permitted to interfere with our mission.

Beldar Conehead: Correct! Let us solidify our meetings! Besides, no one gives cone like you!

Prymaat Conehead: [ touching cones ] Beldar, I haven’t heard you talk that way since the Moons of Mipzor. Let’s hone our cones right here on the floor.

Beldar Conehead: I agree!

[ the toss Sensor Rings onto each other cones, as the scene pans out ]

[ SUPER: “Coming Up: Is Electricity Just A Hoax?” ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts: Jill Clayburgh: 03/18/78: Goodnights

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 14

Goodnights

…..Jill Clayburgh

Jill Clayburgh: Well, thank you all very much. And the cast and Eddie Money, and, uh, it’s really been — it’s been great being here, and I’m still thinking about that opening for the next time that I come and that I’m on this show. [ an orange is tossed to her from off-camera ] Oh! See, I’m quick, too! So… good night!

[ the cast surrounds Clayburgh on-stage, including a late Dan Aykroyd ]

Announcer: Next Saturday night: Our host will be Christopher Lee, with musical guest Meat Loaf, and Richard Belzer. Until then, this is Don Pardo — or, as I’m know on St. Patrick’s Day: Don O’Pard. Good niiiight.

[ Clayburgh and the cast continue to toss the organge back and forth with someone off-stage ]

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SNL Transcripts: Jill Clayburgh: 03/18/78: Jill Clayburgh’s Monologue

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 14

Jill Clayburgh’s Monologue

…..Jill Clayburgh

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jill Clayburgh!

Jill Clayburgh: Hiiii! [ the audience applauds wildly ] Thank you. Oh, it’s really great to be back here. You know, I hosted this show two years ago, and it was really great fun and we’ve been having a great time doing it this year. And, uh — But, you know, when I saw the repeat of the show that I did last time, I learned a very important lesson. I realized that with, you know, well, with the rehearsal and everything — you know, you’re talking all the time — I didn’t really prepare the opening, you know, this part, as well as I should have done it. You know? The opening — well, it’s important because I can be myself and you can get to know me, and I’m not a character — I dn’t have wigs on, I’m not crazy. And, uh — so it’s important to be prepared for that, I want to make a nice impression, I want you to like me. So before I came back this time, i vowed I would learn my lesson from the last time and PREPARE. Well — uh — I learned another lesson this week. I learned that I didn’t really learn my lesson last time. Otherwise, this opening would be a lot funnier and a lot longer than it’s going to be! So I think I really leanred my lesson this time, and if they ever ask me back, I-I’m gonna really WORK on this opening! HARDER than any other part of the show! I mean, I’m gonna really spend a lot of TIME on it! And, uh, it’ll really be GREAT next time. So, until next time… watch this time… and it’s gonna be long and it’s gonna be funny. And, uh, we’ll be right back, after this message.

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SNL Transcripts: Jill Clayburgh: 03/18/78: Everything’s Blurry

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 14

Everything’s Blurry

Female Passenger…..Jill Clayburgh
Male Passenger…..John Belushi
Gentleman…..Andy Murphy

[ open on interior, airplane, night ]

Female Passenger: I’m just going to sleep. You can have the window seat, if you want to look out…

Male Passenger: [ squinting ] Ahhh… there’s nothing to see out there.

Female Passenger: No, no, that’s not true. We’ll be crossing over the Rockies soon. They’re beautiful.

Male Passenger: What’s so beautiful about a bunch of blurry mountains? A big disappointment, just like everything else out West!

Female Passenger: Have you ever seen the Grand Canyon?

Male Passenger: Yeah. I don’t know what all the FUSS is! It’s just a BIG out-of-focus HOLE in the ground! All blurry and all. Let me tell ya’ — I’ve been all over the world; I ain’t NEVER seen a place I really liked. You know? Egypt… Japan… France…

Female Passenger: [ impressed ] France? Oh, what was France like?

Male Passenger: A big letdown! I was in Paris, I went to the Louvre. Let me tell ya’ — I don’t know what the big deal is. It’s just one out-of-focus sculpture after another. Rooms and rooms of fuzzy paintings. Even the Mona Lisa, jsut like all the rest, all indistinct and BLURRY!

Female Passenger: Well, what about the women? I mean, the women in France, they’re supposed to be the msot beautiful women in the world.

Male Passenger: [ he scoffs ] Ahh, don’t ya’ believe it! They’re just like women everywhere — all fuzzy-looking and out-of-focus! I’ll tell ya’ — the only beautiful women I ever saw was my wife. I got a picture of her, I carry it wherever I go.

Female Passenger: Well… I’d love to see it…

Male Passenger: There. [ he hands her a fuzzy black-and-white framed photo ] Now, THAT was a beautiful woman!

Female Passenger: Oh… I-I’m sorry… Is she no longer living?

Male Passenger: Yeahhh. She died in a car crash. I kind of blame myself.

Female Passenger: Ohhhhh, you’re all alone in the world, then?

Male Passenger: Yep! You might say that. I’m kind of disillusioned. I look around me and there’s no beauty in the world. I don’t trust people — they’re always making BIG DEALS out of things that don’t WARRANT it!

Female Passenger: Well, you know, you’re — you’re — you’re not a bad-looking man.

Male Passenger: Ahh, you’re just saying that. I’ve looked in the mirror, and I know I’m all ill-defined and blurry.

Female Passenger: Have you ever thought about seing an eye doctor?

Male Passenger: [ confused ] An eye doctor?

Female Passenger: Yeah. You know, to check your eyes and to prescribe glasses?

Male Passenger: [ more confused ] Glasses?

Female Passenger: Yeah. Like — like these that I’m wearing. [ she removes her glasses ] Without these, everything is blurry… but with them, everything’s in-focus.

Male Passenger: Are you pulling my leg?

Female Passenger: No. No, here. Try them on. [ she puts her glasses over his eyes ]

Male Passenger: [ distraught ] Everything’s BLURRIER, and FUZZIER, and even MORE ILL-DEFINED!!

Female Passenger: [ smiling ] Oh, that’s because you need a different prescription!

Male Passenger: I don’t think that’s it! [ he takes the glasses off ] I think you’re just putting me on about these “glasses” things! Here! [ he hands back her glasses ]

Female Passenger: Noooo, I’m not…

Male Passenger: And I was getting to like ya’, even though you’re fuzzy-looking! I’m gonna sit somewhere else.

Female Passenger: [ flabbergasted ] Well, I-I-I was only trying to help you…

Male Passenger: Noooo, no it’s no use! It’s no use. Once somebody lies to me, I can’t trust them again.

[ he stands and approaches the gentleman sitting in the row in front of him ]

Male Passenger: Excuse me. Is someone sitting next to you?

[ the gentleman wakes up, pulls down his glasses, then looks at the woman sitting nexto him, then turns back to the male passenger ]

Gentleman: Yeah.

Male Passenger: No. [ he approaches the woman who was sitting behind him ] Pardon me. Is someone sitting next to you?

Woman: Yes.

[ he returns to the original female passenger ]

Male Passenger: Excuse me? Is someone sitting next to you?

Female Passenger: No.

[ having failed to recognize her, he returns to his original seat and sighs ]

Male Passenger: It’s kind of a disappointing trip. Huh?

[ fade ]

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SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 01/21/78

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 9

Air Date:

Host:
Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

January 21st, 1978

Steve Martin

The Dirt Band

Randy Newman

None

Mitchell Laurance

State of the Union 1978Summary: Walter Mondale (Bill Murray), Tip O’Neil (John Belushi), and other attending politicians react with boredom to President Jimmy Carter’s (Dan Aykroyd) State of the Union Address.

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter, Walter Mondale, Tip O’Neil.

Montage

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin accuses John Belushi of stealin $59, electrocutes himself, then tells the audience how they can be a millionaire and never pay taxes.
First Hosted: 76e.

SwillSummary: A traveling salesman (Bill Murray) savors the flavor of the mineral weater dredged from Lake Erie.
Note: Repeat from: 77b.

The Mystery of BigfootSummary: Park Ranger (Steve Martin) doesn’t realize that the friendly mountaineer (John Belushi) with large feet is the supposed Bigfoot create he’s been hunting.

The Festrunk BrothersSummary: Jorge (Steve Martin) and Yortuk Festrunk (Dan Aykroyd) are prepared to swing with a pair of computer dates, fully expecting them to be American girls with big breasts and not like-minded Croatian woman (Jane Curtin, Laraien Newman).

Recurring Characters: Jorge Festrunk, Yortuk Festrunk, Cliff.

Dirt Band performs “On the Loose with the Blues”

Body FlossSummary: The Swedish cleaning string that makes hygeine fun.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Consumer reporter Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner) wanders from a commentary on a viewer’s heating problem to her disgust with toenails.

Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Randy Newman performs “Short People” & “Rider In The Rain”First Performed: 75b.

Family FeudSummary: The Conehead Family (Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman) compete against the Romaine lettuce-loving Mel Family (Steve Marton, Gilda Radner, John Belushi).

Recurring Characters: Beldar Conehead, Prymaat Conehead, Connie Conehead.

77i: Steve Martin / Dirt Band, Randy Newman

Hollywood HomesSummary: Steve Martin gives a tour of the outsides of the homes of his “close personal friends.”

What If?Summary: Joan Cage (Jane Curtin) and her panel of experts consider the hypothetical prospect of Napoleon (John Belushi) with a B-52 bomber.

Steve Martin and Dirt Band performs “White Russia”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 01/21/78: The Mystery of Bigfoot

Amazon.com Widgets

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 9

The Mystery of Bigfoot

Husband…..John Belushi
Wife…..Gilda Radner
Park Ranger McConnell…..Steve Martin

[ open on couple sitting at the table in their cabin ]

Husband: [ reading the newspaper ] Boy, honey… All of this fuss around these parts about that Bigfoot sure is getting out of hand, isn’t it?

Wife: [ knitting ] Sure is! It’s getting so people around here are scared of their own shadow!

Husband: Yep.

[ a knock at the door ]

Husband: Come on in! The door’s always open!

Wife: Come on in!

[ Park Ranger McConnell enters ]

Park Ranger McConnell: Why, that’s some blizzard out there! My snowmobile broke down about a mile back!

Wife: Why, look — it’s Park Ranger McConnell!

Husband: Well, Park Ranger McConnell — What made you leave the warmth of your ranger station to come out on a night like this?

Park Ranger McConnell: Well, we just got word from Park Warden Mitchell to evacuate this whole area! From Moose Creek… over to Otter Valley! You know — Bigfoot’s loose again, and we gotta solve this mystery! The Red Cross has set up some cots down at the gymnasium at Bunyon High School! They’ve instructed ME and all the other rangers to get everybody out of here, from all of Moose Creek to clear down to Otter Valley! You know — each one of these guns is loaded with one of these tranquilizer darts! In case we ee Bigfoot, we can STUN him and CATCH him before someone gets hurt!

Wife: Well — Do you really think there’s any truth to these stories about Bigfoot, Ranger McConnell?

Park Ranger McConnell: Well… For one thing, during the last six months there’s been sightings of… GIANT Bigfoot tracks, why all the way from Moose Creek, oh, way out to Otter Valley. Why, there’s HUNDREDS of Bigfoot tracks all the way around this cabin! Perhaps you’ve had soem close brushes with this elusive creature that might bring me a step closer to bringing Bigfoot to captivity!

Husband: Oh, as you know now, Park Ranger McConnell, we’ve been living here six months now, and we’ve been all over these parts — you know, from Moose Creek all the way to Otter Valley… and we ain’t never seen no Bigfoot! [ he raises his leg and prope his massively oversized foot on the table.

Wife: Yeah. Sorry, Ranger McConnell, we can’t be of no help. But you know somthing? Why don’t you sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of coffee? [ she stands, revealing her own large feet ] Have s seat!

Park Ranger McConnell: Alright… [ he takes her seat ] Boy, that’s a nice wooden stove you got there.

Wife: Ohhhhhhh, Santa brought it to me! I woke up Christmas moening and found it in my stocking!

Park Ranger McConnell: [ he stares, confused ] Boy, you know — This is really a mystery! You SURE you’ve never seen a creature around here that would leave a footprint about… oh… [ he spreads his hands around her boot ] this big?

Husband: No… no, no, no, no… Most creatures around here, you know — an otter, a wof, a deer, a fox — they all have pretty small feet. [ he puts on a fur bear coat ]

Wife: Well, Ranger McConnell — What does this here Bigfoot thing look like?

Park Ranger McConnell: Well… The only sightings of Bigfoot himself have been made from long distances in blizzards. But they all agree… that the creature always walks UPRIGHT like a man, with a THICK FUR covering his body.

Husband: [ he places the furry hat over his head ] No… never seen nothing like that. Well, I gotta go cut some more wood.

Wife: Alright, honey. You be careful now.

Husband: Okay.

Wife: Watch out for that blizzard. Want me to get the door?

Husband: [ struggling ] I’ll get the door here…

Wife: Get that door!

[ he pulls the door open, as the snow blows in ]

Wife: Whoa! Watch out for that! [ she helps close the door ] Ranger McConnell. Since your snowmobile broke — I mean, why don’t you spend the night here with us. I mean, we got an extra mattress, and you can use one of my SOCKS as a sleeping bag.

Park Ranger McConnell: No, I’m sorry, I — I can’t rest until I solve the mystery of Bigfoot.

Wife: Well… Good luck!

Park Ranger McConnell: Well, thank you. And say goodbye to your husband for me.

Wife: Well…

Park Ranger McConnell: [ glancing out the window ] HEY!! THERE HE IS!! IT’S BIGFOOT!! He’s around the wood pile! [ he busts through the window with his shotgun, then fires ] Wait a minute… That was your husband!!

Wife: Oh, no! It must have been the long distance and the blizzard.

Park Ranger McConnell: Yes. The wilderness likes to play funny tricks on a man.

[ Husband re-enters the cabin, an arrow piercing his fur coat ]

Husband: You know… Now that you mention it, I did notice a lot of big footprints going to and from the wood pile. You know? [ he breathes heavily ] Boy, I’m really tired! I think I’m gonna take a little nap.

Park Ranger McConnell: You know… just a minute ago I looked out, and I thought you were Bigfoot!

Husband: [ he laughs ] You must have been FOOLED by the long distance and the blizzard.

Park Ranger McConnell: Yeah… I guess I was. You know, it gives me the CREEPS to think that Bigfoot creature is out there somewhere. Why… he could be anywhere. He could be around this cabin right now!

Husband: Well… he could be! He could be there!

[ Husband and Wife lea back and prop their giant feet up on the table ]

Park Ranger McConnell: I’ll tell you something: I guess we’ll never solve this mystery of… Bigfoot.

[ zoom out on set, with SUPER: “coming up next… Can Nielsen Families Intermarry?” ]

[ fade ]