Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 7: Episode 1 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 3rd, 1981 None Rod Stewart Michael Davis Swifty Lazar Tina Turner Andy Warhol Andy Murphy NBC: “Our Age Is Showing”Transcript
MontageNote: James Caan was scheduled to host this episode, but he dropped out because his sister was in the hospital being treated for bone marrow cancer.
The ClamsSummary: Brian DePalma’s latest cinematic rip-off features clams attacking the town folk of Bodega Bay, California,
Nuns On The Beach
A Few Minutes with Andy RooneyRecurring Characters: Andy Rooney. Transcript
Prose & ConsSummary: America’s hottest new writers are coming straight out of prison. Tyrone Green (Eddie Murphy) is but one example. Recurring Characters: Tyrone Green. Transcript
Rod Stewart performs “Dance With Me”
Rod Stewart & Tina Turner perform “Hot Legs”
SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray & Mary GrossSummary: A preview of Tom Snyder (Joe Piscopo) hosting the “Tomorrow” show in Spanish. Raheem Abdul Mohammed (Eddie Murphy) wants to know why there aren’t any black people in the movies. Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder, Raheem Abdul Mohammed. Transcript
(Fade in on a deteriorated NBC peacock logo with its colored feathers deteriorated/peeled off on a blue/purple/red striped gradient background. The 1981-82 NBC “Our Pride Is Showing” music plays)
Eddie Murphy: Here, direct from Broadway’s “Sugar Babies”, is Michael Davis, the untapped source of dynamic energy. Let’s hear it for Michael! Michael Davis!
[ the audience applauds, as the meekish juggler steps out carrying his bag of props ]
Michael Davis: Hello, I’m Michael Davis!
Audience Member: Yeah!
Michael Davis: Thank you. There’s an old show business expression: A comic is a person who says funny things; A comedian says things funny.” That makes me a juggler. DEvery performer has to find his own way to establish rapport with the audience. [ he pulls an object out of his pocket and holds it toward the audinece ] You want soem gum? [ he throws a couple of sticks into the audience ] Don’t be shy.
I have my own personal philosophy about the art of juggling. [ he grabs a single ball and tosses it through the air ] I don’t think it’s important how many you juggle… as long as you’ve mastered it. The important thing is style. [ he tosses the ball high into the air, then bends down to one knee to catch it flamboyantly ] People don’t take you seriously if you only have one ball. That’s why… [ he pulls a large knife out of his bag ] I’m going to attempt… to juggle… this.
[ he drops the large knife to the floor, then reveals a floppy rubber knife in his other hand. The audience applauds as he flips the knife in his hand, then comically tries to swallow it ]
Don’t give it away, if you can tell. This is a joke. [ he picks up the large knife ] No joke. Razor sharp. [ he flicks a finger against the blade ] Ping! [ he holds the knife withtwo hands, then jumps over it ] Hi-ya! [ he jumps again and swings the knife around ]
[ he casually picks up an axe in his other hand, then performs a double-take at the sight of it ]
[ he uses the knife to pound the head of the axe against the handle ]
I want to make sure that doesn’t fly off again. [ the audience laughs ] I hate it when that happens. This is an antique; it belonged to George Washington. I had to replace the handle… and the head. But it occipies the same space… intrinsically. George the axe. [ he holds up the knife ] Mack the knife! [ he bends down and picks up a cleaver ] Beaver the cleaver! [ the audience cheers and applauds ]
I’m going to attempt… to juggle these three razor-sharp implements… [ he begins to swing all three back and forth ] simply for the amusement… of the people in the back. Don’t be afraid. I’ve done this… [ he thinks about it ] twice. All it takes is intense concen– [ he fumbles the axe and lets it slam into his genitals ] Oh! Sorry, I broke the tension. The tension was building. I think I’m the only one who felt it. [ the audience laughs ] It’s very important to have… dramatic effect.
[ he drops the various blades to the ground, then takes out a hot dog and begins to whip it toward the cleaver, making slices of hot dog ]
Razor sharp!
[ he repeats this process with the large knife ]
[ he then flings the hot dog at the axe ]
[ he returns all the blades to the floor, then begins to flip them over one another at ground-level ]
The red one wins!
[ he picks up the large knife in one hand and the cleaver in the other hand, and tries to lift the axe with his foot ]
Sometimes I have a problem getting this started. I have to kick the axe up into the air. Throw the knife! Throw the cleaver! Run like hell! Here we — here we go, here we go, herewego…
[ he sets this chain in motion and begins to juddle the three sharp instruments to great applause ]
Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you very much! You’re too kind! Thank you. Thank you very much. Stopping is a problem. [ he takes a step closer to the audience ] If I could have you grab one of these for me… I don’t care which one. [ he waits ] Oh, you don’t want to get involved? You must be from New York. You’re waiting for danger! [ he juggles the blades around his lifted leg ] DANGER! [ he lifts another leg across ] Warning! [ he juggles the blades behind his back ] Whoo-woo-whoo!
[ the audience applauds wildly ]
Okay! I’ll show you a trick I’m working on — juggling with my eyes closed. Something I’m working on. [ he blinks his eyes rapidly, never keeping them closed for more than a fraction of a second at a time ]
[ finally, he tosses the blades high into the air and catches them one, two, three ]
[ the audience applauds wildly, as he drops the blades and bows ]
Aunt Edie…..Mary Gross Ruth…..Robin Duke Uncle Ed…..Tony Rosato Ruth’s Mother…..Christine Ebersole Father Riley…..Joe Piscopo Rod…..Tim Kazurinsky
[FADE IN on a funeral home as soft, mournful music plays. Ruth is dressed in black and standing in front of a closed casket while a huge weath is being carried across the room. Another woman in black walks up slowly behind Ruth.]
Aunt Edie: [gently] I suppose you expect me to bite my tongue and say, “It’s all right.” Well, it’s not all right, it’s all wrong.
Ruth: Well, I’m sorry you don’t like it, Aunt Edie.
Aunt Edie: Don’t like it? I hate it. That’s my brother inside a closed casket. He didn’t believe in closed caskets. And what kind of color is that, that’s a sissy color.
Ruth: I picked it out, Aunt Edie.
Aunt Edie: Oh, Ruth. Why didn’t ya ask me? I’ve been through this a million times. Honest to God, nobody asks Aunt Edie about anything, and nobody says “thank you.” You know, I got your mother a discount on the obituary notice ’cause the neighbor’s nephew works at the Tribune-Democrat.
Ruth: [forcing politeness] Thank you, Aunt Edie.
Aunt Edie: Did you get the casserole?
Ruth: Yes, thank you.
Aunt Edie: You’ll thank me for it later. And don’t forget to return the casserole pan, I lose more pans at these things.
Ruth: Well… I’ll wash it and return it personally.
[Ruth turns to walk away, but Aunt Edie touches her arm.]
Aunt Edie: Honest to God, your father’d turn over in his grave if he knew he was in a closed casket.
Ruth: Aunt Edie–
Aunt Edie: But you kids nowadays do things your own way; I guess that’s the way it goes. [sighs deeply]
Ruth: [angrily] Aunt Edie, they couldn’t get the chicken bone out of his neck, okay?
[soft laughter]
Aunt Edie: Oh. Well… that’s a different story, then.
Ruth: Yes.
Aunt Edie: Well, I guess it’s not so bad.
Ruth: Thank you.
Aunt Edie: Course, he could’ve wore a scarf, but people would ask, “Why is he wearing a scarf at this time of year,” y’know? [laughter] I woulda wore one, I dunno…
Ruth: Excuse me, Aunt Edie, I just have to talk to Mom for a second, all right?
Aunt Edie: Okay.
[Ruth walks away, but a man in a conservative blue suit and an ugly brown tie calls out to her.]
Uncle Ed: [loudly] Hey, RUTHIE! Heyyy, so, Ruth, hey.
Ruth: Hi, Uncle Ed.
Uncle Ed: How are ya, dear?
Ruth: Oh, I’m fine.
Uncle Ed: Hey, I want ya to know your old man–or, your father, there, he was a wonderful man!
Ruth: [softly] Thank you.
Uncle Ed: Wonderful man, y’know that? I–y’know remember him, last month, there, at that, uh, wedding party for your brother!
Ruth: [whispers] Yeah.
Uncle Ed: Hey, y’know, your brother got that girl in trouble, huh? [guffaws obnoxiously] Like father, like son, I guess. Y’know, he just brought a brand new pair of shoes that day, too. He comes up to me, says, “Hey: why don’t you try these on, I betya we got the same foot size!” So I try them on, and what the hell… son of a gun, they FIT! [guffaws] A PERFECT FIT–heh heh heh heh heh heh heh! You don’t know if he still got ’em on, do ya?
[laughter]
Ruth: [outraged] Uncle Ed! LOOK!!
Uncle Ed: Oh no, I couldn’t, it’s a closed casket, maybe a little later, when everyone’s gone, yeah. Don’t worry about it.
Ruth: [covering her face] Well, uh, just talk to Mom, okay, later?
[She goes to leave, but he stops her.]
Uncle Ed: Oh, sure! I will, Ruthie, because I’ll tell ya, I think we’re both a 15 1/2-inch neck.
[Ruth gasps and steps over to her mother, who is standing next to a priest.]
Ruth: Mum…
Ruth’s Mother: Ruth? This is Father Riley. Father Riley, my daughter Ruth.
Father Riley: [shaking Ruth’s hand] Ruth, I’m so sorry.
Ruth: Oh, well, thank you, Father. Father, could I just have a few moments alone with Mum?
Father Riley: Oh, I understand.
[He pats both women’s shoulders gently. Ruth pulls her mother aside.]
Ruth: Mom, I can’t take much more of this.
Ruth’s Mother: Oh, I’m sorry, honey, it’s almost all over. Nothing more wrong is going to happen, I promise.
[As she comforts Ruth, a young man in a bright blue leisure suit with a light blue flowered shirt appears. With a wardrobe bag over his shoulder, he turns to them.]
Man: Ruth!
Ruth: Chuck!
Man: Rod!
Ruth: What are you DOING here?!
Rod: Hey, no probs! I knew you were upset, so I flew into Pittsburgh. I didn’t know how I was gonna find ya, but I just knew I had to!
Ruth: Rod–
Rod: Then it HIT me. You’d probably forget you and your father have the same surname!
Ruth: Rod–
Ruth’s Mother: [politely] I don’t believe we’ve met.
Rod: Rod Schapps. [shakes her hand] Ruth’s lover.
[laughter]
Ruth: No! [She looks frantically around at everybody, including Father Riley.] No! [losing her composure] He isn’t!
Rod: YES! Yes, he is! [points to casket] He’s DEAD! And the sooner you understand that, the sooner you can move–LOOK!! He’s DEAD, Ruth, he’s dead!! Ruth– [hands bag to priest] Excuse me. Your Holiness, I can handle this. [grabs Ruth’s arms] C’mon, sweetheart, it’s okay.
[The others clear away as Ruth struggles in Rob’s grasp.]
Ruth: LET ME GO!! YOU TWIT! I HATE YOU!!
Rod: Let it go!
Ruth: Why don’t you just go away? Lemme go!
Rod: [pulling her closer] Let it go! Let it go! Get it out of your system! Have a good cry!
[She finally collapses on his shouder and sobs.]
Ruth: [muffled] Noooooo…
Rod: [cranes neck toward others] What’re ya staring at, huh? Have you ever seen anyone have a nervous breakdown before? Go on about your business! [turns back] No, honey, it’s all right, it’s okay. [tries to kiss her]
Ruth: Rod, Rod, Rod, Rod, listen to me!
Rod: What’s the matter?
Ruth: [grabs his arms] Listen to me close!
Rod: I’m listening, I’m listening.
Ruth: You have got to understand this!
Rod: Yeah…
Ruth: I am normal, Rod. I’m normal. And you’re not!
[laughter]
Rod: I KNOW that! I know–remember when I told ya about that famous guy that died? What’s his name, BIG guy! I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. And that’s what I love about you.
Ruth: What?!
Rod: You just don’t understand, do you? You’re so innocent. [caresses her face]
Ruth: Rod. You are such a tool. [laughter] You are never gonna believe that I don’t like you the least little bit, are you? [waves hand in his face] Just doesn’t register! Rod, you are amazing!
[Rod grins sheepishly and looks at the floor.]
Ruth: [grabs his shoulders] Rod, I, I’m tired. I’m exhausted. Yes, I am, and right now I just need to be alone with my family.
Rod: [softly] Oh, sure. I understand.
Ruth: Okay? And I was just–I was FINE until you got here!
Rod: You cried on account of me?
Ruth: Technically speaking, yes.
Rod: Ahhhh, GEEEEEEZ!
Ruth: Rod, shut up, shut up and let me finish, all right?
Rod: Yeah.
Ruth: Now, I, I, I don’t have much strength left–I want you to go to your van.
Rod: No, I flew in.
Ruth: Well, then go to your hotel.
Rod: Okay.
Ruth: Okay? And wait for me there, and I promise I’ll come by later, and I’ll–
Rod: Promise?
Ruth: I–yes. Hope to die.
Rod: Okay.
Ruth: Okay? Okay.
Rod: [pulls out a matchbook] I’m staying at the Monongahela Arms, out on Route 54 out by the airport! See, there’s directions on the matches.
Ruth: Okay.
Rod: There’s a little map there.
[Rod turns from her and steps over to the mourners.]
Rod: Can I have my bag–thank you, Father. [takes wardrobe bag from priest]
Uncle Ed: You’ll like that hotel. I’ve been there myself.
[laughter]
Rod: [turning back to Ruth] Listen… you… you better not keep me waiting too long. I think the maid’s kinda sweet on me. She pulled the covers down on my bed, and she put a chocolate mint on my pillow.
[laughter]
Ruth: [hopefully] Great.
Rod: Naw, I was just kiddin’, c’mon, I don’t go for girls that throw themselves at ya.
[Out of nowhere, Ruth is overcome by passion.]
Ruth: [whispers] Rod.
[He mashes his lips against hers and bends her over almost to the floor. She grabs him to keep from falling. He pulls her up and breaks the kiss.]
Rod: [hushed] Okay, babe, take care…
[He dashes out of the room, but stops cold in the doorway and turns back.]
Rod: Dan Blocker!
Ruth: What?
Rod: “Bonanza”! Remember I talked about that famous guy died? Big guy? Dan Blocker!
Ruth: Rod, go. [She pushes him out through the doorway as he blows her a kiss.] Good, Rod. Go.
[She turns back in and walks straight into Uncle Ed.]
Uncle Ed: Hey, Ruth, was that guy one of your, uh, y’know…
Ruth: [stalks off] Drop dead, Uncle Ed!
Uncle Ed: Sure, no problem, sorry.
Ruth: [clasping her mother’s hands] Mom, listen. Mom, listen. I, I, I, I’ll explain this all later.
Ruth’s Mother: Look, you don’t have to, I’m a woman, I understand.
Ruth: No, you don’t understand. Mom, I’ve gotta get to Rod before the Humane Society picks him up, all right? [turns to leave] I’ll be home in a couple of hours.
[Ruth dashes away as the mourners gather again.]
Aunt Edie: You get the casserole?
Ruth’s Mother: Yes, thank you.
Aunt Edie: You’ll thank me for it later.
[Audience applauds as Uncle Ed steps in with a pair of brown shoes in his hand and starts to take off his own shoes. ZOOM OUT.]
[FADE IN on the cast standing around home base. Michael Davis is in the center of the group.]
Joe Piscopo: We’d like to thank Michael Davis and Rod Stewart very much.
Eddie Murphy: [at far right] And Tina Turner!! Tina Turner…
[ZOOM OUT as everyone applauds. SUPERIMPOSE “costumes provided by EAVES-BROOKS COSTUME COMPANY” as the band goes full-tilt into the closing music. CUT to a side angle and ROLL credits as everyone claps and waves. Michael O’Donoghue is listed as both a supervising producer and alphabetically among the writers.]
Announcer: Be sure to be with us next week for “Saturday Night Live” with Susan Saint James and Rickie Lee Jones. This is Mel Brant saying… good night!
[Tim Kazurinsky makes his way into the group, grabs Robin Duke, and kisses her passionately while bending her over. ZOOM OUT to a wide shot of the studio as the credits finish. FADE to black.]
[Libyan leader Muammar Khaddafi is shown performing various tasks in the style of a Jordache Jeans commercial]
Singer: “He’s a liberated Libyan with an independent mind. He’s a dominating leader who is working overtime. He’s got the look the Third World is after. He wants to be the OPEC master. Drillin’ (woo-ooo), killin’ (woo-ooo) Invadin’ Chad, Khaddaffi has the look that’s bad! The Khaddaffi look, the Khaddaffi look.”
Announcer: Whether you’re extending your territorial waters or just chopping off a criminal’s hand, do it in clothes by Colonel Muammar Khaddaffi.
[ Little Richard Simmons runs on stage crowded with fat women in leotards ]
Little Richard Simmons: Thank you, thank you! How are you today? [ audience answers “Good!” ] That’s good that we feel good! I feel great! [ looks towards the cameramen ] Oh, my.. David, can we get a shot of this over here? [ camera shows excessively overweight cameraman with belly hanging over his belt ] David! This is disgusting! [ walks up to the cameraman ] Oh! Oh, you girls have let yourself go! It’s time you shape up or ship out! We’re gonna do some exercise! Everyone ready? [ audience responds cheerfully ] Come on, everybody, let’s do it! [ coaxes the audiecne to rise and join him for some exercise ] Everyone, stand up, come on! Stand up, before I smack someone! Here we go! [ demonstrates exercise on apron of stage ] It’s very easy – like this! And 1, and 2, and 3, and 4.. are you ready? Are you ready?! [ music starts ] Do you know what day it is? [ turns around ] Girls, do you know what day it is?
Girls: Your protein day!
Little Richard Simmons: That’s right! I’ve been getting my protein. Have you, girls? Anyway, let’s go.. and 1, and 2, and 3.. are you ready? Let me hear it! [ audience responds “Yeah!” ]
[ singing ]
“Ready, set, go fat go! I know a girl who’s butt hangs low She’s flabby Yeah, she’s flabby Ooh, she’s flabby! Fatty, fatty, fatty If she stepped on your foot, she’d mash your toe!”
[ music changes – “Good Golly, Miss Molly” ]
“Good golly, Miss Molly! Looks like a hog. Good golly, Miss Molly! Looks like a hog. Oooohhh! Well, you better start a-running because it’s much too late to jog From the early, early morning to the early, early night You’re just a fat disgusting blob of cellulite.Good golly, Miss Molly! Looks like a hog. Oooohhh! Well, you better start a-running because it’s much too late to jog.”
Come on, everybody, go! [ sax player enters ]
“Tutti frutti, ah roody Tutti frutti, ah roody Tutti frutti, ah roody Tutti frutti, ah roody Tutti frutti, ah roody Wop bom a loo mop, a mop bam boom! Know a girl named Daisy the girl is fat and lazy Know a girl named Daisy the girl is fat and lazy Blubber to the east Blubber to the west The bitch got long and flabby breasts. Tutti frutti, ah roody Tutti frutti, ah roody Tutti frutti, ah roody Wop bom a loo mop, a mop bam boom!”
SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray & Mary Gross
…..Brian Doyle-Murray …..Mary Gross Tom Snyder…..Joe Piscopo Raheem Abdul Mohammed…..Eddie Murphy
Announcer: And now: “SNL Newsbreak”, with anchorpersons Mary Gross and Brian Doyle-Murray.
[ the animated graphics are zapped, causing the letters in “BREAK” to explode and fall onto Brian Doyle-Murray, who rolls his eyes at this unnecessary gag before tossing the letters off the desk ]
Brian Doyle-Murray: I’m anchorperson Brian Doyle-Murray.
Mary Gross: And I’m anchorperson Mary Gross.
Brian Doyle-Murray: We’re CO-anchorpersons.
Mary Gross: That’s right. We don’t even know what sex we are.
Brian Doyle-Murray: But until we do, I’ll take the top story.
Mary Gross: Alright, Brian.
Brian Doyle-Murray: Our top story tonight: President Reagan’s economic and social policy went into effect on Thursday. And, just as he said, the American economy has been saved in only three days. The budget has been balanced, the $1 trillion national deficit has been wiped out, interest and lending rates are down, employment is up, everyone owns a home, and Social Security benefits have been tripled. Starting tomorrow, it will cost $60,000 just to mail a letter, and a phone call will cost $200,000 for the first three minutes.
This week, the White House reealed that President Reagan has a long lost son from a previously undisclosed marriage. Reagan the son, Timmy, are shown here being reunited after a separation of over 85 years. The president said he was thrilled, and Timmy said he’s proud of his dad but he didn’t vote for him.
Mary Gross: The Pentagon, today, allocated $46 million to research and develop an ultimate defense weapon, which it refers to as a “Time Travel Bomb.” In the worlds of a ten-year old spokesperson for the bomb: “Like, if they ever bomb us first, tghis bomb will travel back in time and bomb them before they could bomb us! And then we would never be bombed at all!”
Brian?
Brian Doyle-Murray: After his first day of Senate confirmation hearings, Dr. C. Everett Coop, the pro-life, anti-abortion pediatrician nominated by President Reagan to be our nation’s new Surgeon General, announced that he will take office whether or not he is confirmed by the Senate. Said Coop: ” I have long believed that a political term of office begins at the moment of nomination, NOT at confirmation.”
Mary?
Mary Gross: The attempt on his life last Spring sent Pope John Paul II to Rome’s Gemelli Hospital for 77 days. Now fully recovered, he has received the bill: $36,000. Shown here filling out the Vatican hospital insurance form, John Paul said, “Thank God I was covered by Blue Crucifix!”
Well, PLO leader Yassar Arafat and actress Vanessa Redgrave were finally married this week. It was a simple terrorist ceremony in Beirut, Lebanon. They said they will both continue to work, but want to have lots and lots of children.
Brian Doyle-Murray: Due to low ratings, the “Tomorrow Show” was dropped this week by NBC affiliates in Boston, Philadelphia, and Minneapolis. NBC executives were quick to point out that “Tomorrow Show” host, Tom Snyder, in a five-year study, shows that minorities make up the largest late-night TV audience in America. Here’s a preview of Monday night’s “Tomorrow Show”:
[ cut to clip of mustachioed Tom Snyder rambling on in a Spanish dialect, joking with his off-camera producers about Rona Barrett and her breasts ]
[ SUPER: “courtesy of NBC’S MANANA SHOW” ]
[ return to the nes desk ]
Brian Doyle-Murray: Well, all we can say is: Bueno suerte, Tomas! Mary?
Mary Gross: The administration has reversed itself on classifying ketchup as a vegetable, admitting it made a mistake. However, in related legislation: Beginning January 1st, 1982, the artichoke will be listed as a semi-precious metal, the banana as a unit for measuring time, and those indivisdual packets of Thousand Island dressing will replace the Susan B. Anthony dollar in many areas.
Irritated by what he’s seeing in the movies these days, here is “Weekend Update”‘s film critic… Raheem Abdul Mohammed. Raheem?
Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Um — how come they ain’t no BLACK people in the movies?! No brothers! I went to see “Raiders of the Lost Ark”, they had two brothers in it. I went to see “Arthur”, it had ONE brother in it! I see “Superman”, it had one half a brother in it. Now, we gto soem fine black actors making some fine contributions to the motion picture industry. Take… Fred Williamson! Jim Brown! Richard Roundtree! Bernie Casey! Melvin van Peebles! Everybody’s been contributing, making great movies, too! Like “Super Fly”! “Super Fly T.N.T.”! “Shaft”! “Shaft’s Big Score”! “Shaft in Africa”! “Slaughter”! “Slaughter’s Big Rip-off”! “Foxy Brown”! “Sheba, Baby”! “Coffy”! These are good movies!! “Blacula”! “Abby”! “J.D.’s Revenge”! And, mind you, not ONE of those movies was ever nominated for an Academy Award!
Man, now get this — in 1975, for Best Picture: “The Sting” beat out “Slaughter’s Big Rip-Off”! I was sitting home, man, I was SHOCKED! I almost fell off my chair! And James Earl Jones is a fine actor! I know, last year, I happened to find out that the man did read for the part in “Hardly Working”, and they gave it to Jerry Lewis just because he a white man! Now, I happen to KNOW that James Earl Jones could have played that part! Now, do you think Jerry Lewis could have starred in the movie “Claudine”? Picture this: Claudine live in Harlem, she got twelve kids, she married to Jerry Lewis, he come home talking about: [ in a screechy Jerry Lewis voice ] “Claudine! Claudine! Claudine, baby!”
I feel, PERSONALLY, that some of these people that y’all using — these white people — BLACK people could have played! Take Isaac Hayes, who PROVED he could act in “Truck Turner”! [ he tries not to laugh ] He would’ve been MARVELOUS in “Kramer vs. Kramer”! And, speaking of versatility — Mr. Versility himself, Jimmy “J.J.” Walker! Whoosh, what a gifted man! He would have been SCINTILLATING in “The Elephant Man”! Picture this! I can see it now! He would have been walking around, saying: [ he blows like an elephant ] “DY-NO-MITE!!”
Man, I tell you — the last five years, I seen TWO movies with black people in it: “Stir Crazy” and “Penitentiary”. Any time you get a group of niggers around, you gotta have some BARS around them, huh? Why don’t y’all make a movie with a couple of pretty niggers, running in the field in slow-motion and clapping? I can see it now: “Tess”, starring Shirley Hemphill! That’d be FINE entertainment! I’m Raheem Abdul Mohammed!
Mary Gross: Thank you, Raheem.
Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Thank you, Mary Gross!
Brian Doyle-Muuray: And, finally, this sad note: Last night, at Beefsteak Charlie’s, an entire family fell into the bottomless salad bowl and vanished. Rescue teams were invited to make as many attempts to save them as they wished.
Tyrone Greene … Eddie Murphy … Terry McDonell … Swifty Lazar Bobby Glover … Joe Piscopo
[Film begins by panning over a series of hardbackbestsellers: Harold Robbins’ Goodbye Janette,Sidney Sheldon’s Rage of Angels, Judith Krantz’Princess Daisy and Judy Mazel’s The BeverlyHills Diet.]
Narrator: Robbins, Sheldon, Krantz, Mazel –all popular fiction writers.
[Montage of elite university buildings.]
Narrator: All of them sprang from theprestigious educational institutions that have beenthe backbone of American literature.
[Rolling Stone editor Terry McDonell drinks acup of coffee.]
Narrator: Where are tomorrow’s Hemingways andFaulkners coming from?
Terry McDonell: [finishes coffee, answersnarrator] Prisons.
[Montage of prison life set to the rhythm of a tin cupbeat against prison bars: a huge gate closes, views ofvarious prisoners in and out cells, etc. SUPER: PROSEAND CONS. Cut back to Terry McDonell. SUPER: TerryMcDonell / Mng. Editor, RollingStone]
Terry McDonell: I think that most of today’swriters are coming from the straining, compactedbowels of that beast we call the American penalsystem.
[Montage of prisoners: playing ball in a rec room,leaning on prison bars, exhaling cigarette smoke,working at a typewriter.]
Terry McDonell V/O: These men have lived.They’ve suffered. They’ve maimed, they’ve killed.They’ve written some stunning books.
Prisoner at Typewriter: [pleased with his work]Yeah!
[Balding celebrity super agent Irving “Swifty” Lazaraddresses the camera. SUPER: Swifty Lazar / LiteraryAgent]
Swifty Lazar: Without a doubt, anything by aprisoner is an automatic bestseller. I tell aspiringwriters, if you commit a crime, we’ll talk.
[Handel’s Alla Hornpipe from his “Water Music” suite– an aristocratic piece of classical music –accompanies a montage of prisoners: in cells and recrooms, doing push-ups, reading a book, pecking away ata typewriter, engaged in animated conversation whilereading a comic book, writing on paper with pen in onehand and cigarette in another, etc. Music ends. Abuzzer sounds. A gate opens. The warden enters andwalks through a cell block, smoking a cigar.]
Narrator: Rockland Prison. Warden CarlHoddegar.
[SUPER: Carl Hoddegar / Warden, RocklandPrison]
Warden V/O: Ah, you can talk Leavenworth, youcan talk Attica. You can even talk Folsom. But none ofthem — none of them — has the sterling literarytradition we have here at Rockland.
[Warden walks past cells with prisoners busy typing.We linger on Cell #4 where a tough-looking mustachioedinmate wearing a red bandana sits at histypewriter.]
Narrator: Bobby Glover is serving up to twentyyears for cutting up his fiancee with a linoleumknife.
Bobby Glover: [rises, addresses the camera withworking class accent] I’m into haiku. The narrowrestrictions of the form have led me to an imagisticfreedom heretofore–
[Shouting from off screen drowns out Bobby. Camerapans jerkily down the cell block to discover twoguards dragging a protesting prisoner away.]
Narrator: Our cameras are there when oneprisoner is caught in an act of plagiarism.
[An angry inmate reaches out of his cell to hit theplagiarist in the head with a book as he is draggedby.]
Angry Inmate: [to plagiarist] Why don’t you seewhat you can steal out o’ that?
[Visiting hours: watched by guards, various prisonerstalk to their well-dressed agents throughglass.]
Narrator: Here, the prisoners keep in touchwith the outside world.
Prisoner 1: No way I’m gonna accept less thaneighteen percent of the–
Prisoner 2: People who watch “Merv Griffin”don’t buy books! Any agent in the business knows that!Get me Donahue–
[Montage of gates and cell doors closing which ends ona door marked MAXIMUM SECURITY.]
Narrator: Each year, Rockland sponsors a poetryfestival.
[Camera trucks up and forward to reveal the occupantof the maximum security cell: Tyrone Green, psychoticyoung African-American male.]
Narrator: Tyrone Greene is this year’swinner.
Tyrone Greene: [angrily intense, directly intocamera] Images by Tyrone Greene … Dark and lonely on the summer night. Kill my landlord, kill my landlord. Watchdog barking – Do he bite? Kill my landlord, kill my landlord. Slip in his window, Break his neck! Then his house I start to wreck! Got no reason — What the heck! Kill my landlord, kill my landlord. C-I-L-L … My land – lord … Def!
[Handel’s Hornpipe plays again as prisoners are cuffedand led away.]
Narrator: Dostoyevsky said, “The degree ofcivilization in a society can be judged by enteringits prisons.” As someone else said, “If Shakespearewere alive today, he’d be doing time.”
[FADE IN on a living room with a young couple on a foldout bed. The woman is sleeping peacefully on the right, while the man is sitting up shirtless on the left and setting an alarm clock.]
Rod: [softly] Nice pad you got here.
[He lights a cigarette as a distant car horn is heard.]
Rod: Gettin’ a bit nippy…
[He reaches over for his t-shirt and tugs it on over his head.]
Rod: Gettin’ a bit nippy. Yeah, it’s gettin’ a bit nippy! [slowly pulls t-shirt down] It’s gettin’ nippy in here.
[He drags on his cigarette and then reaches to put it in the sleeping woman’s mouth.]
Rod: Here.
Ruth: [waking up] What? I don’t smoke.
[He gazes down at her as she rolls back over.]
Rod: So how was it for you?
Ruth: I beg your pardon?
Rod: [nodding] I mean… it was pretty terrific for me! So was it good for you or what?
Ruth: [smiles politely] Sure, yeah.
Rod: Yeah, yeah, I thought it was fantastic! I suppose you could tell, huh?
Ruth: Yeah. Uh, good night, um…
Rod: Rod!
Ruth: Rod! Ah, I knew it was Rod. [smiles self-consciously] I did know that. I’m… [rolls back over]
Rod: Right. [looks around] Nice pad…
Ruth: [lifts head] Did I call you “Bob” in the middle of, um…
Rod: Making love?
Ruth: Yeah.
Rod: You can say it.
Ruth: Well, did I call you “Bob”?
Rod: Yes, you did.
Ruth: Oh, I’m sorry, Rod!
Rod: Hey, it’s okay.
Ruth: No it isn’t, I’m sorry!
Rod: Hey, no probs, it’s okay!
Ruth: No, I’m really sorry, Rod.
Rod: Hey, you probably only did it because I told you earlier in the evening my name was Chuck.
Ruth: What?
Rod: Well, I didn’t know if you were gonna be a creep or something.
Ruth: [chuckles] Thank you.
Rod: No, thank YOU! I mean, my pleasure! I, I had no idea you were gonna be so… so… I can’t even find the right word, so… fantastic.
Ruth: Thanks, Rod.
Rod: No, thank YOU. You knocked me out.
Ruth: [covers back up] Good night, Rod.
Rod: Yeah, you’re a knockout.
Ruth: [grins sweetly] Nighty-night, Rod.
Rod: “Nighty-night…” That’s so cute…
[Rod revels in the moment, and soon the phone rings.]
Rod: That’s your phone?
Ruth: [sitting up] Yes, it is Rod. You’re quick.
[She reaches over to the bureau for the phone.]
Ruth: Hello? [pause] Peggy, what’s the matter? [pause] Are you all right? [pause] What’s happened? Peggy, I can’t understand you. Stop crying! [pause] What? [dreadfully] Oh, my God, no. [pause] Oh, Peggy, no, please, dear God. What happened? Well, when? [pause] All right, well, what should we do? [pause] Okay, uh… I’ll call you right back, okay? [pause] I love you too, Peggy…
[She hangs up in a daze as Rod sits up behind her.]
Rod: [sarcastically] An old flame?
Ruth: Not now, Rod, please.
[She gets out of bed and walks over to turn on the light.]
Rod: Hey… hey, c’mon, I was only kiddin’. [follows her over] C’mon, I don’t care about your past! Why d’ya think they call it the past?
Ruth: Listen, you… whatever your name is… my father just died.
[She hurries across the room and opens up a dresser drawer.]
Rod: Ahhhh. GEEZ! Ahhhh. GEEZ! [follows her over] I’m sorry! Was he sick or somethin’?
Ruth: No.
Rod: Was it a car accident?
Ruth: No.
Rod: Was it a bus accident?
Ruth: Please, I’m trying to find a phone number, okay?
Rod: Was it a–
Ruth: He choked!
Rod: Ahhhh. GEEZ! Ahhh. GEEZ! I’m sorry!
[Ruth ignores him and leafs briskly through a slender phone book.]
Rod: Was it a–
Ruth: A chicken bone! Are you satisfied?
Rod: Ahhhh…
[She hustles back across the room.]
Ruth: Rod, go home.
Rod: No! No, you don’t understand, I wanna help!
Ruth: No.
Rod: [reaches down to put on his pants] I wanna help, ’cause… [steps into jeans] I wanna help because of what you did for me tonight–as a WOMAN!
Ruth: Rod, listen to me. [sits next to him] We are from different planets, Rod. You really don’t grasp anything I SAY! And right now, I have to make arrangements to have my father moved to a funeral home.
Rod: Where is he? I’ll pick him up!
[laughter]
Ruth: No, Rod.
Rod: No probs, I got a van! C’mon.
Ruth: Rod, he’s in Pittsburgh! That’s in Pennsylvania?
Rod: It’s late, but I can get gas on the turnpike! C’mon!
Ruth: Rod, there are people who do this professionally.
Rod: You see–I don’t know him. I don’t–that’s why this is so special to me! ‘Cause I never knew anybody who died before! [puts on his shoes] No, really, like… famous people. I got upset when that, that famous guy died. What’s his name? BIG guy. Ahhh… You want a drink?
Ruth: No, no thanks, I’ve gotta make these… calls… um… [struggles to pull herself together] I’ve got so many I’ve gotta…
[Rod finishes tying his shoes and jumps off the bed.]
Ruth: [breaks down] I… I can’t. It’s not fair! [sobs] I really loved him! I really did love him…
[She cries into her hand as Rod crawls across the bed to her.]
Ruth: [muffled] What am I gonna do?
Rod: I’m here.
[She turns around and nearly bumps faces with him.]
Ruth: Who ARE you?! [laughter] Don’t you have a HOME?!
Rod: Ruth, LISTEN ta me! After what happened tonight between us, I’m not gonna somethin’ like let that slip outta my fingers! And the sooner you get that through your pretty little head… [touches her hair]
Ruth: Rod… I have a got a gun.
[He suddenly slaps her across the face.]
Ruth: Oh! What…
Rod: [grabs her by the shoulders] You… you’re YOUNG! You got your whole life ahead o’ ya! [laughter] He’s DEAD! Don’t ya understand that?! He’s DEAD!!
[He hugs her tightly and puts her in a headlock. He nuzzles the back of her neck as she squirms to extricate herself.]
Rod: It’s okay… yes, yes…
Ruth: All right, Rod… Rod… Rod… [He slowly releases his grip.]
Ruth: Listen, you’re right.
Rod: You’re darned right I’m right.
Ruth: No, you are, you’re absolutely right, yes. Rod: Yeah! Now you’re talkin’.
[She leaps off the bed and opens the door.]
Ruth: I want you to go downstairs…
Rod: Yeah.
Ruth: Start your van, and I’ll throw some things into a suitcase, okay?
Rod: [jumping up] All right, all right. That’s the spirit. Attagirl!
[He jogs merrily out the door. Ruth quickly shuts it and covers her hand with her mouth.]
Ruth: Oooooh…
[She sits on the bed, struggles to regain her composure, and starts leafing through the phone book again.]
Ruth: Uh, phone… okay… I don’t have a number for a funeral parlor…
[The door is heard opening, and Rod bursts back in and almost knocks her over.]
Rod: [staring down at her] Ahhhh. GEEZ! Ahhh.
Ruth: [softly] What do you want…
Rod: GEEZ! This is gonna be terrific!
[He takes her in his arms and kisses her passionately for a long second. Rod whirls around and hustles out the door, which Ruth quickly closes, locks, and deadbolts behind him. She reaches toward a small dresser nearby and pulls it in front of the door. Audience applauds while Ruth sits back down on the bed and picks up the phone. ZOOM OUT.]
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Air Date:
NBC: “Our Age Is Showing”
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Summary: Brian DePalma’s latest cinematic rip-off features clams attacking the town folk of Bodega Bay, California,
Recurring Characters: Andy Rooney.
Summary: America’s hottest new writers are coming straight out of prison. Tyrone Green (Eddie Murphy) is but one example.
Summary: A preview of Tom Snyder (Joe Piscopo) hosting the “Tomorrow” show in Spanish. Raheem Abdul Mohammed (Eddie Murphy) wants to know why there aren’t any black people in the movies.
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Summary: Michael Davis collectively juggles a knife, an axe, and a cleaver.
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