[Open on the title “A FEW MINUTES WITH ANDY ROONEY”]
Announcer: And now, “A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney.”
[Dissovle to Rooney sitting at a desk covered in shoes]
Andy Rooney: I’ve been doing some serious thinking about shoes. Ever notice shoes? Everybody wears them. Just look down. There’s so many different kinds. A lotta shoes sound like what they are. Oxfords, work shoes, loafers. I guess the good thing about loafers is you don’t have to tie them. Space shoes, boots! Ever notice there weren’t many Nazis named Steve? You know what’s annoying? When that little plastic thing on the end of your shoelaces falls off and gets frayed at the end, and you can’t get ’em through the holes, and you gotta do this [licks end of shoelace] to do this. [pushes shoelace through hole in shoe] Ever notice what a weird name Morley Safer is? Morley, is that the opposite of Leslie? And Mike Wallace. Boy, what a jackass! I mean, if you did something illegal, would you tell Mike Wallace about it? I wouldn’t. Ever notice how annoying my voice is? Of course, you can turn it off. I can’t. Ever notice it gets dark at night? Where does the sun go? Nobody knows. Ever notice how much rouge I have on my cheeks? Of course, some people think it makes me look like a clown.
[He continues over the applause as the “A FEW MINUTES WITH ANDY ROONEY” title fades back in]
(Fade in on a pair of legs walking around a house)
Andy Warhol: I, uh, I’m in a modeling career right now. I did two runway shows. I did one for GQ and I heard that you have to sleep with someone to get under the covers. I’m willing to do that.
(Various background voices are heard as Andy makes his way to a bathroom. He turns around to face the camera, but we only see his shadow)
Andy Warhol: What are we doing in here?
(Cut to Andy standing in front of the bathroom wall. As he munches on his apple, the red text “ANDY WARHOL ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE” scrolls up the left side of the screen.)
Andy Warhol: In the first place, I never thought I’d ever be on “Saturday Night Live” because I hate the show. I never watched it. I didn’t think it was that great and if you’re home on a Saturday night, why ARE you home on a Saturday Night and I think all the comedians should be beautiful and not funny. Gee, I heard a great joke yesterday at Holston’s and it was so funny that I thought I’d tell it to you. Uh, where did Prince Charles go on his honeymoon and the answer is “Indiana”.
(The screen slowly fills with static as the credits and copyright date appear below; fade)
Marilyn Suzanne Miller ExxicoSummary: “Yesterday’s Technology at Tomorrow’s Prices.”
Susan Saint James’ MonologueSummary: Susan Saint James invites the audience to decide whether her obligatory TV parody sketch will co-star MaCArthur (Tim Kazurinsky), MacBeth (Tony rosato), or McDonald (Joe Piscopo).
McDonald And WifeSummary: In a spoof of “McMillan & Wife”, the husband-and-wife team of Ronald McDonald (Joe Piscopo) and Sally (Susan Saint James) solve an intricate crime mystery without leaving the comfort of their own bedroom.
The Bizarro WorldSummary: Michael O’Donoghue provides a glimpse of the Bizarro World, which mirrors the Earth’s activities. This week: The behavior and decisions of the Bizarro President (Joe Piscopo) are equal to those of Earth President Ronald Reagan.
Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan, Jerry Falwell.
SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurraySummary: Brian Doyle-Murray narrates over footage of excessive floodwaters that cover the entire island of Senesia. Meteorologist Christine Ebersole gets lost in playful banter with Brian Doyle-Murray and Mary Gross, and fails to give her weather report. Sports reporter Joe Piscopo covers the baseball playoffs by tapping various player bobblehead dolls. Eddie Murphy reads a fan mail letter from President Ronald Reagan, which includes a sampling of racist jokes. Following the assassination of Anwar Sadat, Mary Gross suggests that future assassins make a target of themselves.
Honeymoon VirginSummary: Billy (Tonoy Rosato) is surprised to find that his new bride, Sharon (Susan Saint James), is a 31-year old virgin, and he’s worried that he won’t be able to perform incredible enough for her first time.
[A neon sign reads: LONELY’S. Piano music. We pullback to reveal that we are in an almost empty drinkingestablishment, late at night. Behind the bar, abalding bartender cleans glasses with a towel. Wediscover a pretty blonde woman seated at the nearbypiano bar with a drink in front of her, a silentjukebox and the neon sign glowing in the backgroundbehind her. While a young black man at the keyboardaccompanies her, she sings a mournful, country-tingedballad:]
Single Woman: [sings]Single bars and single women With a single thought in mind Just to make it till the morning Looking for what they can find For a man you won’t remember For a night you can’t forget Do you come to this place often? May I light your cigarette?
Drinkin’ beer and Amaretto Poppin’ pills and smokin’ dope Hopin’ for a new beginning But beginning to lose hope As you’re waitin’ for the moment When a glance becomes a stare Have you seen my new Camaro? Do you like your sirloin rare?
Find a matchbook in the morning With a name and number scrawled When you phone, a woman answers And you wish you never called Just another heavy-hitter Who was out to make a score What’s that perfume that you’re wearin’? Haven’t I met you before?
With a twenty in your pocket And a toothbrush in your purse Life could get a whole lot better But it better not get worse Like when he’s too drunk to make it Just when you’re too drunk to care Do you mind if I come join ya? Love your dress and love your hair They are friendly when they meet you They are strangers when they go May I taste your Vodka Collins? May I offer you some blow?
As it’s gettin’ near to closing And the seconds pass like years Lots of friends to share the laughter Not a one to share the tears And you wish they’d change the jukebox ‘Cause the songs, they all sound the same Would you let me buy you breakfast? What’s your sign and what’s your name? Do you dance? Are you a model? Would you like to see a trick? Did you read the latest novel? Did you catch the latest flick? Do you ski? Are you a jogger? What’s the matter? Are you gay? Can I drop you off at my place? Wanna party? Wanna play?
Single bars and single women With a single thought in mind Just to make it till the morning Looking for what they can find
[Crane to a high angle shot that takes us up to aceiling fan and looks down on the keyboardist, thesinger and the bartender. Applause. The bartenderlooks on sadly as the lonely woman sips her drink andthe keyboardist finishes the song.Fade.]
Voiceover…..Michael O’Donaghue Woman #1…..Robin Duke Woman #2…..Mary Gross Black House Aide #1…..Tony Rosato Black House Aide…..Tim Kazurinsky Bizarro President…..Joe Piscopo Last-Lady…..Christine Ebersole
[ open on a spinning, square globe in outer space ]Voiceover: There exists a parallel universe, where our earthly events are duplicated. But, they are duplicated backwards, for it is a reflection. Our earth is a sphere, so the parallel earth is, of course, a cube. This is: The Bizarro World. So, while this exchange would be taking place on earth..
[ cut to two women talking ]
Woman #1: Oh, I’m cold! Turn up the heat! And have the maid clean up the house! It’s a mess!
Woman #2: Oh, that’s a good idea. We ought to throw out this trash, too.. but first, I’d like a glass of water.
Voiceover: The following exchange would be taking place in theBizarro World:
Woman #1: Oh, I’m cold! Turn up the air conditioning! And have the maid dirty up the house!
Woman #2: Good idea! And throw away all these diamonds! But first, me thirsty. Me want a glass of nice, dry sand.
Voiceover: Oh, no! Looks like those Bizarros have gotten itexactly backwards! Well, it’s a crazy place.. As a matter of fact, right now in the Bizarro World, Bizarro Jerry Falwell is fighting to get more sex and violence on TV.
[ cut to Bizarro Jerry Falwell giving a speech ]
Bizarro Jerry Falwell: Good Bizarro American people am tired of bad TV! Look at “Little House on the Prairie”! It am boring! Let’s see Laura’s boobs, then blow up the house!
Voiceover: Pretty wild, huh? But what do you expect of a placewhere the Miss America contest is a search for the ugliest girl? Andwhere, instead of having a Be Kind to Animals Week..
[ cut to Bizarro being mean to animals ]
Bizarro: Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty! [ pulls axe frombehind his back ]
Voiceover: ..they have a Be Cruel to Animals Week. They prefer it, because you only have to have it once. Everything is backwards on this mysterious cube. Black is white. Hello is goodbye. Right is wrong. But even in this strange world, there is one place so bizarre, it scares even them.
[ cut to exterior, Black House – SUPER: “Black House, Bizarro United States” ]
[ cut to interior, Trapezoid Office – SUPER: “The Trapezoid Office of the Bizarro President” ]
Black House Aide #1: It am big responsibility being Black House Aide.
Black House Aide #2: Yes. We must prepare the Trapezoid Office for the Bizarro American President? Am his wife coming, too?
Black House Aide #1: Last Lady? Yes, she am coming.
Black House Aide #2: What should we do first?
[ they approach the desk ]
Black House Aide #1: Look at all these important papers on his desk.
Throw them away, then we’ll break the windows and put dirt on the floor.
Black House Aide #2: Good idea. [ they begin messing up the Trapezoid Office ] Where am the Bizarro President?
Black House Aide #1: His job in Washington, so of course he inCalifornia.
Black House Aide #2: That don’t make Bizarro sense. Hey! Thismorning, me pull up all those ugly roses in the weed garden and plantbeautiful weeds. [ wipes brow ] Me thirsty. Is there any sand to drink?
Black House Aide #1: You can have a glass of sand to drink afterwe’re finished.
Black House Aide #2: [ panicking, runs to desk ] Ah! Water! Water! Quick! Bring some fire! Put it out! [ pounds desk ] It’s okay.. it’s out.
Black House Aide #1: Look! Here am President! [ Bizarro President and Wife enter ] Goodbye, President. Goodbye, Last Lady.
Bizarro President: Goodbye, everybody.
Last-Lady: Oh, you dirties up the office. Thank you.
Black House Aide #2: Don’t mention it.
Last-Lady: Well, I’m off to go visit my masculine son. Hello.
Black House Aide #1: Hello.
Black House Aide #2: Hello. [ Last-Lady exits ] Ah-ha! Phone did not ring, so me answer it. [ answers phone ] Goodbye! Oh, no! Oh, no! There’s a crisis! There’s a crisis! Quick, Bizarro President! Go to sleep!
[ Bizarro President drops his head onto his desk and falls alseep ]Black House Aide #1: Phew! That was quick Presidential action. What a leader!
Black House Aide #2: Him always do exact wrong thing. Him perfect!
Black House Aide #1: Me agree. Right from start, me knew he wasBizarro #1. Remember when him appoint Cabinet?
[ flashback to Bizarro President appointing his Cabinet ]
Bizarro President: For Secretary of Interior, man who likes strip-mining and air pollution. For Secretary of Education, man who want to destroy department. For Secretary of State, scary man with morals of a styrofoam cup..
[ blend back to the present-day ]
Black House Aide #2: Him am incredible! Bizarro Americans all love him!
Black House Aide #1: Of course.
Bizarro President: [ waking up ] Me right-to-lifer, so me support the death penalty!
Black House Aide #1: It’s that kind of statement that has made him the darling of the Bizarro empire.
Black House Aide #2: What a guy! Him smart! Say, me hungry.. let’s go eat some rocks!
Black House Aide #1: What a bad idea.
[ they exit the Trapezoid Office ]
Voiceover: And so we leave that strange and wacky planet 60 zillion light-years away, known as The Bizarro World.
[ open on 50’s-style suburban neighbrhood, with SUPER: “Let’s See What’s Bothering Bob” ]
[ pan down to Bob’s house and into his front window, to find him reading the newspaper in his favorite chair ]
Narrator: This is Bob. He doesn’t seem to be himself today. I wonder what’s bothering him? [ Bob reaches for his pipe, but accidentally knocks over his glass in the process ] Maybe he’s just not having a good day.
[ cut to Bob’s wife and daughter doing needlepoint on the sofa ]
Narrator: His wife Ellen has noticed it, too.
[ Ellen expresses a look of concern in Bob’s direction ]
[ cut to Bob sitting at a desk, working on the family finances ]
Narrator: He seems to be working with numbers all the time. Wonder what’s on his mind?
[ cut to Bob looking out the window ]
Narrator: Oh, well… maybe it’s just the weather.
[ cut to Bob standing in front of the family station wagon, which he gices a swift kick ]
Narrator: Wonder what made him do that? That car’s been his pride and joy.
[ cut to Bob mowing the lawn with his push mower ]
Narrator: He’s not mowing the lawn with his usual vigor, either.
[ his kids watch silently from an upstairs window ]
[ cut to Bob entering the kitchen ]
Narrator: Whatever it is… it’s bothering Bob.
[ cut to close-up of the family dog lying on the floor ]
Narrator: Even ol’ Wally seems to know ,i>something’s up.
[ cut to Bob losing his appetite at the dinner table ]
Narrator: Never known Bob to turn down Ellen’s peach pie before. What’s he thinking about?
[ cut to Ellen and the kids in the family room, as Bob enters ]
Narrator: Well… looks like he’s FINALLY made up his mind about something. And Bobby and susie think it’s about time.
[ Bob starts to say something, but stops himself ]
Narrator: Wait a minute. Looks like he’s forgotten something. What could it be?
[ Ellen and the kids continue on with what they were doing, as strange sounds are heard from the kitchen. They look up to ee Bob re-enter the family room pulling the cord on a chainsaw. ]
[ dissolve to the camera panning away from Bob’s house, as his kids run across neighboring lawns to safety ]
[ a montage of “Little Rascals” stills are displayed ][ dissolve to grown-up Buckwheat smiling at the camera ]Buckwheat: Boy, id bin a nong time since dem days. Hi, I’m Buh-weet,amembuh me? And I have compiled for you and your nistening pleasure, dumub my mavorite tongs. Id’s all ite here in dis uhn pectacular opper:”Buh-weet Sings”. Take a wisten:
[ SUPER: “Fee Tines A Mady” ]
[ singing ]
“Munce. Tice. Fee Tines A Mady.” Announcer: Yes, they’re all here..
[ SUPER: “Wookin’ Pa Nub” ]
Buckwheat: [ singing ]
“Wookin’ Pa Nub in all da wong paces. Wookin ‘ Pa Nub.”
Announcer: Once Buh-weet sings a song, it’s eternally his.
[ SUPER: “?????” ]
Buckwheat: [ singing unintelligably ]
“..Menny Dabid Ibe..”
Yes.. Buh-weet. The man who sold more records that Elvis or the Beatles – in Kenya.
[ SUPER: “Una Panoonah Banka” ]
Buckwheat: [ singing ]
“Una Panoonah Banka-a-a-a-a!!”
And if you order now, you’ll get Buh-weet’s tribute to Alfalfa.
[ SUPER: “Barbah Ob Dabil” ]
Buckwheat: [ singing ]
“I’m da Barbah ob Dabil. Bigaro! Bigaro!” [ smiles ]
Order today. Send $49.95 for the full volume to: Buh-Weet Bah Firty Fee New Nork, New Nork
Buckwheat: Take it fum “Ow Gang”: yo gang will nub it. Buy mywecord! O-tay!
[ open on close-up of street sign: “Push Button To Cross Street” ]
[ pan upward to reveal close-up of second street sign: “Push Button To Explode Building” ]
[ a Woman walks up to the corner and pushes the button to cross the street, looks both ways, then crosses ]
[ cut to full shot, which now reveals building across the street, as a man approaches, reads both signs, then pushes the button to cross the street ]
[ second Man runs forward, not even looking at the signs, as his hand reaches out and pushes the button to explode the building behind him ]
[ sirens sound ]
[ the Man jumps, then realizes he’s pushed the wrong button and wuickly pushes the button to cross the street in order to accomodate for his mistake ]
[ the building suddenly explodes and crumbles to the ground, as the Man tries to casually sprint away from the scene without making eye contact across the street behind him ]
[ smoke and an eerie silence fills the air ]
[ cut to SUPER: “A FILM BY ANDY AARON
Susan St. James: Saturday Night is BACK!! Goodnight, everybody!
Announcer: Be sure to be with us again next week, as Oscar Award-winning George Kennedy hosts with musical guest Miles Davis. For all of us at “Saturday Night Live”, this is Mel Brandt, saying: “Good night!”
…Tim Kazurinsky …Robin Duke …Christine Ebersole …Tony Rosato …Joe Piscopo
[Open on “CHEAP LAFFS” title over a close-up of a bulletin board covered with rubber chickens, fake bunny ears and other joke objects. A Spike Jones song plays in the background. Camera tilts down to show Tim Kazurinsky typing. Tim becomes frustrated, rips the paper out of the typewriter, crumples it up, and throws it into the trash can.]
Tim Kazurinsky: Hi. I’m Tim Kazurinsky. You know, every week we come up with ideas for the show we think are funny . Trouble is, a lot of these ideas are incredibly cheap. For instance, we wanted to do a take-off on The Love Boat called The Lez-Boat. They didn’t let us do it. You know why? ‘Cause it was cheap, much too cheap for a high class show like this. Well, that’s another story. [Tim digs through the trash can, picks out a crumpled piece of paper and picks off a gum wrapper stuck to it.] All right! Here’s this week’s Cheap Laff–gum wrapper. It seems that these two women were having a drink at a bar, and then this guy walks in…[Dissolve to bar scene. Christine Ebersole brings her drink to the table where Robin Duke is sitting]
Christine Ebersole: Hey, Robin, where did Tony go?
Robin Duke: Oh, he, ah, just went to the bathroom.
[Tony walks up to the table]
Tony Rosato: Hi, Chris. Hi, Robin. How’s it going?
Christine Ebersole: Hi, Tony.
[Christine and Robin stare at Tony’s crotch for a moment]
Christine Ebersole: [leaning over to Robin and speaking softly] Robin, do you see what I see?
[Tony covers his crotch in embarassment and turns to the camera]
Tony Rosato: Oh, no! Those embarassing spots! I could’ve died!
[Cut to wide shot of bar as Joe Piscopo enters, playing a cheesy commercial announcer. He smiles and addresses the camera]
Joe Piscopo: How many times has this happened to you? I’m talking trouser tracks! Well, that’s a thing of the past thanks to new Sta-free Peenie Pads! They’re super-absorbent! Watch. [Steps up to table with two mannequin torsos wearing underwear] Here’s a pair of regular underwear. [Pours a pitcher of water into the underwear] Notice how that water just seeps right through. Now another pair of underwear with a Sta-free Peenie Pad. [Pretends to pour water] Peenie Pads stop the moisture on contact, give you all-day confidence. Watch!
[Dissolve to original shot of Christine and Robin at the table]
Christine Ebersole: Where’s Tony?
[Tony walks up]
Tony Rosato: Here I am. [Spreads his jacket to show off his dry crotch]
Joe Piscopo: Sta-free Peenie Pads. Good for the last drop!
[Dissolve back to Tim Kazurinsky holding up a page of the Sta-free script. He crumples it and throws it into the trash]
Tim Kazurinsky: Now that was cheap! This is Tim Kazurinsky saying so long until next time for “Cheap Laffs.”
[Camera pans up to the bulletin board. The “CHEAP LAFFS” title reappears]