Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 7: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 31st, 1981 Donald Pleasence Fear Michael Davis John Belushi Andy Warhol Neil Levy Vomiting For LuckSummary: Eddie Murphy convinces a nervous Donald Pleasance to vomit before the live show for good luck. Transcript
Jogger MotelSummary: Irksome joggers jog into the tunnel, where they become trapped like roaches and can’t get out. Transcript
Two Faces of JerrySummary: Take your pick as to which persona of Jerry Lewis is more annoying — the childlike moron (Eddie Murphy) or the older, embittered Vegas hanger-on (Joe Piscopo). Recurring Characters: Jerry Lewis, Jerry Lewis.
I’m So MiserableSummary: Disgruntled but lonely housewife (Christine Ebersole) cleans up the bloodied mess while singing about how she killed her husband (Neil Levy) the night before. Transcript
Pumpkin CarvingSummary: In a film by Elbert Budin, a pumpkin carved into a jack-o-lantern is symbolic of a human head being mutilated for the same purpose.
Guardian AngelSummary: Guardian Angel (Eddie Murphy) gives tips on how you can survive in Harlem.
Michael DavisSummary: Comic-juggler Michael Davis juggles apples, including one jammed with razors in honor of Halloween.
SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurraySummary: Field reporter Mary Gross tries to lure confidential information about President Ronald Reagan’s decision factor on the AWAC plan from advisor Frank Sinatra (Joe Piscopo). Meteorologist Christine Eversole is in no mood to give the night’s weather report after revealing that her apartment was robbed. Film critic Raheem Abdul Mohammed (Eddie Muprhy) loves to watch horror films because he gets to watch stupid white people die. Brian Doyle Murray is surprised to learn that tonight is his birthday. Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, Raheem Abdul Mohammed. Transcript
Tales From The Hip
Fear performs “I Don’t Care About You”
Annie Intermission
Sugar BreakfastSummary: To help set their day in fast-paced motion, members of a suburban family (Joe Piscopo, Mary Gross, Tony Rosato, Robin Duke) consume nothing but pure sugar and sugar by-products for breakfast. Transcript
Andy Warhol’s TVSummary: Andy Warhol calls famous friends like Calvin Klein and Rona Barrett to see what they’re doing for Halloween, then his head falls off and he’s ready to go to a costume party.
Home Movie PitchSummary: Mary Gross updates viewers on the flood of home movies submitted since the season premiere, acknowledging that they’ve all sucked so far. She then plays a clip from Walter Smith’s cinematic embarrassment “Wonder Wally”.
The Vic Salukin ShowSummary: Vic Salukin (Tony Rosato) challenges his viewers to scare him over the phone for Halloween. Recurring Characters: Vic Salukin. Transcript
Fear performs “Beef Bologna”, “New York’s Alright If You Like Saxophones”, “Let’s Have A War”
Prose & ConsSummary: America’s hottest new writers are coming straight out of prison. Tyrone Green (Eddie Murphy) is but one example. Recurring Characters: Tyrone Green. Note: Repeat from 81a.
Colonel Harold Sweeney…..Donald Pleasence Baktu…..Tony Rosato Lieutenant Whitten…..Tim Kazurinsky
[ open on Thanes Color Television logo ]
Announcer: Over the course of history, the words “British” and “Courage” have become synonymous. And to salute the bravery of Englishmen, Thanes Television proudly presents… [ dissolve to program card ] “Profiles In British Courage”.
[ dissolve to British Army tent, as Colonel Harold Sweeney enters and sits to study battle plans ]
[ suddenly, Baktu rushes in, dragging one-armed Lieutenant Whitten behind him ]
Baktu: Colonel Sweeney! Colonel Sweeney, sir!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ peeved ] What is it? What is it this time, Baktu?!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ more formal ] Ohhh. Lieutenant Whitten, sir! [ he stands, as Whitten salutes with his one intact arm ] Lieutenant Whitten… God fell dead tonight.
Lieutenant Whitten: Fine!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: I wish I could be out there with you… Unfortunately, I have the court duty to report…
Lieutenant Whitten: Yes!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Uh — Lieutenant… you seem to have lost an arm.
Lieutenant Whitten: [ looking down ] Have I really?
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Yes, uh…
Lieutenant Whitten: Ah, yes!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: I’m going to have a look at that.
Lieutenant Whitten: I suppose so. If it’s not too much of a bother, sir! [ he chuckles dryly ]
Colonel Harold Sweeney: No, it’s no trouble at all. Just hop over here.
[ Lieutenant Whitten hops over ]
Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ laughing ] Ha! Lieutenant, I didn’t mean you to take it literally!
Lieutenant Whitten: I’m sorry, sir. My leg seems to have been blown to bits.
Colonel Harold Sweeney: What? [ he looks down ] Oh, it does, yes. Oh, I am sorry…
Lieutenant Whitten: Sorry!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: No, don’t be sorry. Um — let’s get you on the table here. [ he begins to remove objects from the table ] Baktu.
Baktu: [ alarmed ] What?! [ he begins to salute like crazy ]
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Lend a hand here… get him on the table. There’s blood all over the place… [ they lift Whitten onto the table ] Whoopsie-daisie! [ to Baktu ] Now, go get a blanket.
Lieutenant Whitten: Thank you, sir! Sorry to be messing up your table, sir.
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Oh, forget it. That’s not a problem at all. After all, I can always get another table, whereas you, on the other hand, uh, can hardly get another, uh… another, um…
Lieutenant Whitten: Yeah!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Uh, may I ask you a direct question?
Lieutenant Whitten: Certainly, sir!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: How would you feel about, um… getting along with just one leg?
Lieutenant Whitten: I suppose if one must!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ he chuckles ] I-I’m afraid we have no regular surgeon.
Lieutenant Whitten: Pity!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: I could take a crack at it myself.
Lieutenant Whitten: Oh, sir, would you?
Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ nervous ] I’ve never done this sort of thing before…
Lieutenant Whitten: There’s a first time for everything, sir!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Alright, um… let me, um, give it to you from the shoulder now… [ he pats Whitten on his missing arm ] Oh! I beg your pardon. Uh… we, uh… we have no antisthetic.
Lieutenant Whitten: Oh, well.
Colonel Harold Sweeney: How about, uh, biting on the ol’ bullet, hey? Hey? [ he places one of Baktu’s bullets in Whitten’s mouth ] Bite on that.
Lieutenant Whitten: Thank you, sir!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ he chuckles nervously ] No surgical instruments, either. Uh — Baktu?
Baktu: [ saluting quickly ] Yes, sir!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Give me a blunt.
[ Baktu hands him a blunt blade ]
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Baktu?
Baktu: Yes, sir?
Colonel Harold Sweeney: I should FLOG you within an INCH OF YOUR LIFE!!
Baktu: [ backing up ] Don’t beat me, sir! Don’t beat me again!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ to Whitten ] Listen, ol’ chap — I’m afraid it should take a couple of hours.
Lieutenant Whitten: Well… take your time, sir. Just take your time.
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Right, uh — better late than never, hmm? [ his monocle falls from his eye ]
Lieutenant Whitten: Whoopsie-daisy there!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Hmm… do you think I, uh… do you mind if I ask your advice?
Lieutenant Whitten: Certainly, sir!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: I’ve never done this before. Do you think I should go straight into the kneecap, or…?
Lieutenant Whitten: SPLENDID!!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: No. Well, let’s have a go, eh? [ he places the blade across the kneecap and begins to saw back and forth ] There we go!
[ blood starts squirting out of Whitten’s knee ]
Lieutenant Whitten: Very good, sir! You’re doing very well!
[ Batku rushes back in ]
Baktu: Colonel Sweeney! Colonel Sweeney! [ he nearly faints at the sight of squirting blood ]
Colonel Harold Sweeney: What is it, Baktu?!
Baktu: It’s a message from General Headquarters, sir!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Hold it up for me. [ Baktu holds it up, as he reads ] Oh, good gracious… they want me to finish the quarterly report immediately!
Lieutenant Whitten: Ohh…
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Tell them I’ll do it later!
Lieutenant Whitten: Yes, sir!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: I’m right in the middle of something!
[ Baktu rushes out ]
Lieutenant Whitten: Uh, sir?
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Yes?
Lieutenant Whitten: If you don’t mind, I’m SURE that quarterly report is a LOT more important than this silly business! So with your permission, sir… let’s say I hack off my own leg!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ he stops sawing ] I say… would you really?
Lieutenant Whitten: Yes, sir!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: That’s certainly sporting of you. It would be as great help, yes. Here, have a go… [ he hands the blunt instrument over ] and I’ll hold the leg.
Lieutenant Whitten: Oh, good! [ he begins to saw his kneecap, as blood continues to squirt ]
Colonel Harold Sweeney: You know…
[ Whitten begins to slash the blunt instrument through his kneecap ]
Lieutenant Whitten: It’s coming along quite well, sir!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Yes! But I’m afraid I’ll have to write the report in blood.
Lieutenant Whitten: [ he chuckles heartily ] In the red again, eh?
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Ha ha ha! I want to tell you something…
Lieutenant Whitten: Yes, sir?
Colonel Harold Sweeney: …Lieutenant Whitten. Um… you’ve really behaved in a very sporting manner about this.
Lieutenant Whitten: Oh, sir… thank you! [ he slashes his kneecap further ]
Announcer: Within minutes, Whitten died. Colonel Sweeney, however, went on to complete his report on schedule. And, for this, he was decorated and commended for his punctuality.
[ dissolve back to title card ]
Announcer: Colonel Herald Sweeney. Another profile in British courage.
[ dissolve back to Thanes Color Television logo ]
This is Thanes Television, dedicated to upholding the British tradition of courage, honor, grace and dignity. Stay tuned for Benny Hill.
[ open on Jogger jogging through a path in the park. The path twists and curves under the trees, leading to a tunnel. As the Jogger enters the darkness of the tunnel, his feet stop short. Looking down, the Jogger finds his shoes stuck in the middle of a strange, gooey substance. He tries to pry his shoes loose, but it only affixes him tighter to the gooey substance. As he looks around the tunnel, the Jogger discovers, to his horror, that the interior walls are lined with the skeletal remains of joggers before him. Struggling more furiously than ever to get loose, the Jogger eventually loses his balance and falls backwards into the gooey substance, confined eternally in what he realizes is some sort of bizarre trap. ]
[ camera pans out of the tunnel to a long shot, revealing the words “Jogger Motel” written on the side of the tunnel ]
Announcer: The Jogger Motel. Joggers jog in, but they don’t jog out.
[ open on Husband facedown down at the kitchen table with a knife in his back ]
Wife: [ singing as she cleans up ] “Last night I killed my husband, we were married seven years When I tried to hide his body, my eyes filled up with tears. I hated when he beat me, but since he’s gone I found I’m so miserable without him, it’s like having him around.
I hated all his habits… and smelly cheap cigars The way he’d leave alone and hang out in the bars. He used to be a big mouth, now he don’t make a sound I’m so miserable without him, it’s like having him around.
I never could live with him, now I can’t live alone I wish I had a boyfriend to call me on the phone. Matters sure ain’t easy, if there’s one thing that I’ve found I’m so miserable without him, it’s like having him around.
Yeah, I’m so miserable without him, it’s like having him around.”
…..Brian Doyle Murray …..Mary Gross Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo …..Christine Ebersole Raheem Abdul Mohammed…..Eddie Murphy
Announcer: And now: “SNL Newsbreak”, with anchorpersons Mary Gross and Brian Doyle-Murray.
[ the animated graphics are zapped, causing the letters in “BREAK” to explode and fall onto Brian Doyle-Murray, who rolls his eyes at this unnecessary gag before tossing the letters off the desk ]
Brian Doyle-Murray: Good evening! I’m Brian Doyle-Murray. My co-anchorperson Mary Gross is on-assignment in the field.
Our top story tonight: In a surprise announcement today, the Saudi government said it does not want the AWACs which were approved for sale by the Senate last Wednesday. Instead, the Saudis said they would rather have a fleet of Chrysler K-cars and a couple of tickets to the next Rolling Stones concert.
Brian Doyle-Murray: Now with more on the AWACs story, here’s correspondent Mary Gross.
[ the camera is delayed in cutting to Mary Gross ]
Mary Gross: [ laughing ] This week, President Reagan won a surprise last-minute victory, as the Senate approved his AWAC plan by a narrow 52-48 vote. How did Reagan manage to swing those crucial votes to his side? We’re here to ask Presidential consultant Frank Sinatra.
[ Sinatra’s dressing room door opens, as a couple of goons exit and look around before signaling for Frank Sinatra to exit ]
Mary Gross: Mr. Sinatra. Mary Gross, “SNL Newsbreak”.
Frank Sinatra: Speak to me, Mary.
Mary Gross: Okay. Can you tell us how the President was able to swing those votes for the AWAC when all those senators were previously against the sale?
Frank Sinatra: I can tell you in one word: MUSCLE! We leaned on them, Mary.
Mary Gross: “Leaned” on them?
Frank Sinatra: That is correct. He let them know that if they did not cooperate, things would not go so good for them — if you catch my drift.
Mary Gross: Oh. [ she laughs nervously ] But is it right to use political pressure in an important issue like this? A lot of senators had their reasons for opposing the sale.
Frank Sinatra: Mary, you cannot use reason in a situation like this. The issue was NOT five airplanes — the issue was: “Are you with the President, or are you not eith the President?” When you are in a situation where some of your underlings are showing disloyalty, you do NOT use reason. You offer what we call… “incentives.”
Mary Gross: Uh, could you be more specific?
Frank Sinatra: [ sternly ] No!
Mary Gross: What if these incentives fail to work?
Frank Sinatra: Well, then you use a little of this: [ he pulls one of his goons forward ] “Persuasion.” Ronnie knows this, and I back him 100%. It’s exactly the way I would have handled it. Capische?
Mary Gross: Capische… I guess. But the fact remains that we’re selling weapons to the Saudis, who opposed our peace plan. Is a political victory for the President more important than that?
[ Sinatra pulls his goon forward again and points him to the camera. The goon leans in and covers his hand over the lens ]
Mary Gross: Thank you… Mr. Ol’ Blue Eyes. Back to you, Brian.
[ return to Brian Doyle-Murray at the news desk ]
Brian Doyle-Murray: Thank you, Mary.
Former and present First Ladies Betty Ford and Nancy Reagan got together this week to compare notes on which president was best in the bedroom. Inexplainably, they agreed it was Richard Nixon. Mr. Nixon could not be reached for comment, which is a highly unusual note in itself.
The cost of mailing a First Class letter rose to twenty cents at Midnight tonight, and the Post Ofice issued a new commenmorative stamp. The new twenty-cent stamp commemorates the old ten-cent stamp.
Well, responding to forecasts of a cold winter ahead, Reagan’s energy chief, James B. Edwards, has issued this suggestion on how to keep warm and save precious oil, gas and coal. He recommends flag burning. Edwards said flags are plentiful, cheap and heat-producing, and adds, “American flags have been used as fuel all over the world, right in front of our own embassies!” Why didn’t we think of it before now?
The American Medical Association met this week to consider lowering health care costs. Members also considered painting their foreheads blue and eating only cardboard for a year.
Brian Doyle Murray: Well, now with all the weather for this Halloween, here “Newsbreak”‘s staff meteoroligist Christine “Field” Ebersole. Christine?
[ Christine appears before the weather map, dressed in a skimpy leopard-print blouse ]
Christine Ebersole: [ nervous ] Hi, Brian.
Brian Doyle-Murray: Hi, Christine. Nice outfit.
Christine Ebersole: [ annoyed ] Oh, don’t start up with me, okay, Brian?! I’m really upset! My apartment got broken into last night, and they took EVERYTHING!
Brian Doyle-Murray: Oh, that’s too bad…
Christine Ebersole: Oh, I hope they bring back the death penalty! I mean, look at me! I look RIDICULOUS!! They took all my clothes and I had absolutely NOTHING to wear, so I had to borrow this outfit from my girl friend Jan, and, you know, she’s real hard to get a hold of because she works all night and everything, you know? [ starting to sob ] And I couldn’t get a hold of her, and it was really difficult, and…
Brian Doyle-Murray: I think you look very nice, Christine.
Christine Ebersole: I don’t think I look nice! I think I look like a HOOKER!! [ she gasps ] Oh… I’m sorry, Jan, I-I-I didn’t mean to tell. [ weeping ] Listen — I gotta go, I can’t do this!
Brian Doyle-Murray: Christine… what about the weather?
Christine Ebersole: What about the weather? Look — you tell them to look out the window and they can see what the weather looks like, okay? I can’t deal with it! [ she runs off ]
Brian Doyle-Murray: That’s the weather. Thank you, Christine. And now… here’s our “Newsbreak” film critic — Raheem Abdul Mohammed! Raheem?
[ no response from the audience ]
Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Thank you, Brian Doyle Murray! [ to the audience ] And thank you for that warm round of applause. You know — [ the audience finally applauds ] I’m Raheem Abdul Mohammed, and as you can pretty well imagine, I spend a HELL of a lot of time in dark rooms watching movies. And it SEEMS like about 90% of the movies that I see these days are horror films, right? Well, my days are filled with a lot of hacking, and chopping, and blood bursting, and knives getting shoved in people’s eyeballs, right? And heads getting sliced off with chainsaws. And I been noticing something at the theater lately — most of the audience that goes to see the movies… is BLACK PEOPLE! Brothers, now! And I asked myself, I said, “Raheem? How come so many brothers go to see the movies? ‘Cause the movies can’t be no more scary than their own neighborhoods?” So I’ll tell you why we go to see the movies. We go to see the movies ’cause it’s FUNNY to see rich, white people get KILLED!
Think about the movies. Who buys haunted houses, right? Rich, white people buy haunted houses. Now, BLACK people can’t even AFFORD no houses! If they could buy a house, they wouldn’t buy one that was HAUNTED, right? So to be perfectly honest, it’s pretty funny to see white people in them houses getting their skulls caved in, or they get crushed or something! [ he laughs out loud ] Colored people NEVER get hurt in them movies, man! Take, like, them college movies, like “Death Train” and “Friday the 13th”. Who getting killed in movies — college movies? Who getting decapitated with meat cleavers, who’s getting dismembered with a tommy hawk, who’s getting their face messed up with a blowtorch? Rich, white people… that have lots of simulated sex! You NEVER see no nigger or Puerto Rican getting hurt in that movie! And that’s why we like it! I’m Raheem Abdul Mohammed.
Brian Doyle-Murray: Out of sight! Thank you, Raheem! You welcome, Brian Doyle Murray!
Brian Doyle-Murray: Well… October 31st was a big day for TV newspersons. It was the birthday of NBC’s Jane Pauley — [ Jane Pauley’s picture appears on the monitor ] Happy Birthday, Jane! And, also, Dan Rather, over at CBS — [ Dan Rather’s picture appears on the monitor ] Happy Birthday, Dan! Dan is 31, and Jane is 50. And, also — [ Brian’s picture appears on the monitor ] You’re kidding! My birthday? Well, yes, it is! [ the audience cheers ] What a — I didn’t know it was my birthday! Nobody told me about it, I didn’t know! [ a birthday cake with a lit candle appears on the monitor ] It’s a total surprise to me! Well, yes, it is. And thank you, and… [ he blows, as the candle fans out on the monitor ] Happy Birthday to me! Thank you! That’s the news. Good night, and Happy Birthday to everybody!
Dad…..Joe Piscopo Mom…..Mary Gross Son…..Tony Rosato Daughter…..Robin Duke Mr. Elliott…..Eddie Murphy
[ open on suburban kitchen, where Mom is setting the table ]
[ Dad enters, yawning ]
Dad: Good morning, Sweetheart…
Mom: Good morning, Honey.
[ they kiss, then she hands him a cup of coffee ]
Dad: Oh… thanks. Where’s the sugar?
Mom: On the table.
[ Dad continues to yawn, as he sits at the table and scoops endless spoonfuls of sugar into his coffee cup ]
Mom: [ yawning ] Pour me a cup, too, would you, dear?
Dad: Sure, Honey… [ he pours endless scoops of sugar into her coffee cup ]
Mom: You want some coffee in that?
Dad: Noooo… no, no, no, no…
[ they guzzle down the pure sugar from their coffee cups ]
Dad: Mmm… Oh, honey, that hits the spot.
Mom: Mmm, it sure does! Big day today, sweetheart?
Dad: No, nothing special. Just like I said — I got those couple of meetings, and, other than that, it should be a pretty easy day, you know?
Mom: Oh, that’s nice.
Dad: How about you, though?
Mom: Well, I gotta go to the dentist, and I gotta take the kids to the dermatologist. I’ve got a lot of baking to do today.
Dad: Oh, boy — I don’t know how you do it, honeybun.
Mom: Oh, stop!
Dad: Yeah. Hey, you want another cup?
Mom: Sure! Thanks, hon!
[ he pours the sugar straight into her coffee cup, then pours more sugar for himself ]
Dad: I am NOTHING without my first cup in the morning.
Mom: [ turning hyper ] I’m raring to go myself!
Dad: [ now hyper as well ] Honey, let’s put a new roof on the house!
Mom: No, honey! That can wait until tonight! Now it’s time for breakfast with the kids! It’s the most important meal of the day!
Dad: Oh! Say, where are the kids, anyway?
Mom: Oh! [ she runs toward the living room ] Come on down, kids! Breakfaaaaast!
Dad: Honey, do we have any syrup?
Mom: Sure! [ she opens the fridge ]
[ the kids enter the kitchen ]
Son: Morning, Mom… Morning, Dad…
Dad: Hey, kids!
Son: Hi, Dad…
Daughter: Hi, Dad! hi, Mom!
Dad: Sit down, have some breakfast! It’s the most important meal of the day, you know!
Mom: You’re just in time for breakfast: Nice sugar lumps and maple syrup!
Son: Thank you, Mom…
Mom: Here’s your syrup, Hon!
Dad: Oh! Thank you! You know… I really, really, really enjoy this sugar cubes and maple syrup! [ he pours himself a bowl ] Mmmmm, boy! Definitely my FAVORITE meal! [ he also pours himself a glass of syrup to drink ]
Daughter: Mom? Mom? Do we have any gelatin with us this month?
Mom: Oh, yeah! [ she grabs some from the counter ]
Dad: Yeah, honey, is there any, uh, honey around?
Mom: Oh! Right here! [ she hands it over ]
Daughter: Could you pass the sugar, Dad?
Dad: Right here! I’ve got the sugar right there, sweetheart.
[ Mom brings out a plate stacked high with donuts ]
Mom: Here you are!
Son: Oh, thank you, Mom! [ he grabs a stack ]
Mom: Son, did you get your homework finished last night?
Son: Oh, I was too tired.
Dad: Too tired? That’s no excuse, you were too tired.
[ Daughter starts chuckling in a hyper manner ]
Dad: Hey! Now, you mnid yourself, little girl!
Mom: Hey! She’s only having fun!
Dad: Hey! Let ME handle this, honey!
Mom: Oh! Gee, you’re always tougher on the kids!
Dad: Well, don’t tell me how to raise our kids!
Son: Mom!
Daughter: Dad! Stop!
Dad: Ohhhh, they’re right, honey… I’m sorry.
Mom: No, I’m sorry!
Dad: I love you!
Mom: I love you!
Dad: Kiss?!
Mom: Okay!
[ they kiss wildly and passionately ]
Dad: Oh, hey! [ he reaches into his mouth ] Lost a tooth!
Mom: Get the tooth jar!
Dad: Tooth jar! Yaaayyyy!!
[ the kids fight to be the one to bring the tooth jar down from the fridge ]
Dad: Come on, kids! Come on! [ Daughter brings the tooth jar over ] Into the tooth jar, here we go! [ he drops his tooth into the jar ] Hey, kids! What do you say we help Mom clean up, huh?
[ the kids cheer ]
Mom: That’s great! You do the dishes, and I’ll wax the wall!
[ they all begin to do these chores in a manic, hyper manner ]
Mom: Hey, honey! What time is it?!
Dad: Uhh… [ he checks his watch, disrupting the assembly line ] It’s about 8:45, sweetheart!
Mom: 8:45?! you’re all gonna be late!
Dad: Oh, no!! We’re gonna be late!!
[ Mom frantically tries to get their lunches together, as everyone hops around the room in panic-mode ]
[ Mom then pulls an oversized bag of granulated sugar from the pantry and quickly pours it into the kids’ lunch boxes, as Son scoops a few handfuls in the melee ]
Mom: Danny! you’ll spoil your appetite!
Son: Oh, Mom…
Dad: Don’t yell at him, sweetheart!
Mom: I wasn’t yelling!
Dad: Don’t tell me you weren’t yelling!!
Mom: Don’t tell me what to do!!
Dad: Don’t tell me what NOT to do!!
Mom: Oh, I’m sorry, honey! What are we doing?!
Dad: Oh, we’re arguing again! I’m sorry, honey…
Mom: I’m really sorry…
Dad: Oh, I love you!
Mom: I love you!
Dad: Kiss!
Mom: Kiss!
[ they kiss wildly and passionately ]
Mom: Lost a tooth!
Dad: Oh! let’s put it in the tooth jar!
[ she drops her tooth into the tooth jar, as the doorbell rings ]
Dad: Oh! Someone’s at the door!
[ the family runs wildly around the kitchen as they find a path toward the door ]
Dad: Hey, it’s Mr. Elliott!! Mr. Elliott!! Hi, Mr. Elliott!! How are you?!
Mr. Elliott: [ entering ] Man, will y’all shut the hell up?! I can hear you all the way across the street!
Dad: Oh!
Mr. Elliott: It’s the same thing every morning, man! Can y’all keep it down a little bit?
Dad: Mr. Elliott, come on in! Have some breakfast! The most important meal of the day! Sit right down there for breakfast! It’s no problem at all! [ he pushes Mr. Elliott into a chair at the table ]
Mr. Elliott: I stepped on some glass!
Dad: Ohhhhh, no! Well, what the heck! We’ll take care of that later! Yeah… so… would you like some breakfast?
Mr. Elliott: What y’all having?
Daughter: Twinkies!
Son: Twinkies!
Mom: Twinkies! [ she rushes to the fridge ]
Dad: Yeah — Twinkies!
Mom: I was gonna save them for dinner, but what the heck! Let’s have a party!!
[ Son turns up the radio to a fast-pitched version “Sugar, Sugar”, as he and Daughter begin to dance wildly ]
Mom: You two are crazy! You don’t know how to dance! Here’s how your father and I danced when we were your age — nice and slow!
[ Mom and Dad also dance in a frantic manner, as a horn honks outside ]
Dad: Oh! The school bus is out there!
Son: We gotta go, we gotta go!!
Daughter: We’re late, we’re late!!
[ the entire family runs out of the place, leaving a bewildered Mr. Elliott sitting at their kitchen table alone ]
Mr. Elliott: Crazy white people…
[ the camera zooms in on a sign on the wall: “Home Sweet Home” ]
Vic Salukin: Hello. I’m Vic Salukin. Welcome to “Scare Me!” I’ll be taking calls from you people tonight, and I want somebody to call in and scare the HELL out of me! Now, I’m not the kind of guy who scares easily, so we’re gonna need some help from some of you major LOONS out there tonight! Now, to show you I mean business… I’m offering a hundred bucks — 100 big ones, right there it is — to the guy who can scare me the most! [ he holds up the $100 bill ] Okay? So call me — Vic Salukin, 555-4444! 555-4444! Alright, here we go. [ he grabs the phone ] Vic Salukin. Scare me!
Caller #1: Yeah. Well, my name is Leonard. I’m with the regional office of the Internal Revenue Service —
Vic Salukin: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute… is this the old IRS scam?
Caller #1: Excuse me, Mr. Salukin, I am afraid, uhh…
Vic Salukin: Hey, look, Mac — what the hell do you think I am, some sort of a MORON or something?
Caller #1: [ he laughs ] You got me, Vic! I really thought you’d go for that one!
Vic Salukin: Look, buddy — the only thing that’s scary about you is your I.Q. Okay? [ he hangs up ] Come on! Let’s get a decent call here! This is garbage! Vic Salukin — scare me!
Caller #2: Hey, Vic. Look out behind you. There’s a horrible creature! [ he tries to stifle his laughter ]
Vic Salukin: Okay, buddy, come on! [ he hangs up ] For God’s sake, what the hell is going on here?! YOU owe ME a hundred bucks for THAT one, okay?! A hundred bucks on the line here! Vic Salukin — scare me!
[ a woman begins to hum the theme from “Star Trek” ]
Vic Salukin: Alright, lady, get off the phone and get off the bottle, for God’s sake! [ he hangs up ] Your probably swinging off a chandelier in your birthday suit! Alright, let’s take another one! Vic Salukin — scare me! [ a dial tone ] Alright, nobody there! Look — you people don’t seem to know what the hell a scary call is all about! Looks like I’m gonna have to SHOW you! [ he grabs the phone and dials ] I’m gonna dial any number RANDOMLY here — I don’t know WHO we’re gonna get, probably some bizarro, anyway!
Caller #3: Hello?
Vic Salukin: Hello, lady? Listen — we kidnapped your son, he gave us trouble, so we SHOT him! Where do you want the body?
Lady: No… no… [ she screams in agony ]
Vic Salukin: [ laughing sadistically ] Now, THAT’S scary, and THAT’S what I’m looking for! [ he hangs up ] I just made myself a hundred bucks, okay?! Alright, let’s take ONE more call, and for God’s sake this is supposed to be New York! Huh?! The city of nutcakes and freaks! Now, let’s start hearing from some of you! [ he picks up the phone ] I’m getting pissed off here! Alright, Vic Salukin — scare me!
Caller #4: Hello? [ he laughs ] Hello, Mr. Salukin. I know quite a few things that you might find scary… I’ve been following your daughter, Amy, home from school today. She’s such an attractive child, Mr. Salukin, except for that curious birthmark on her thigh. Heh! It’s her birthday, Monday, nine years old? I suppose you’ll give her that doll that’s hidden in the top drawer of your dresser. And your wife, Linda? She’s also — oh, she’s very attractive, especially when she slips into her black hot pants. [ camera slowly pans down to the phone intercom ] The more I realize… the more I see of you… the more I think you are a lonesome maggot that should be destroyed, and it’s going to be a pleasure to come to your studio tonight and slap a large meat ax into your brain pan. [ he laughs sadistically ] Split your skull, new suit… [ he laughs sadistically, as the camera pans back up to Vic to reaveal him bloodies with a meat ax in his head ] So, vic? Did I fool you?! [ he laughs sadistically ] That’s pretty good, huh?! Vic! Did you like it?! [ he continues to laugh sadistically ] I bet I got you! Ha ha! Are you there?! Vic! Vic! Hey, Vic?
[ open on Donald Pleasence, dressed in his “Profiles In British Courage” costume, standing before a bathroom mirror ]
Donald Pleasence: “Live from New York…” [ he starts over ] “LIVE! From…” Oh, I’m terrified. I feel ridiculous. Uh… “Live! Saturday Night!” “Saturday Night… LIVE!” “Live! From New…” [ suddenly, Eddie Murphy enters ] Hello?
Eddie Murphy: Hey, Donald Pleasence!
Donald Pleasence: Hello.
Eddie Murphy: How you doing?
Donald Pleasence: I’m alright… I’m just scared to death. I was running over a few of my lines.
Eddie Murphy: Yeah? Why? Yuo gonna be FUN, man. You shouldn’t br worried about it. It’s gonna be fun, you’re a funny guy, Donald.
Donald Pleasence: Really?
Eddie Murphy: Yeah. Piece of cake. Excuse me for a minute. [ Eddie heads for a stall ]
Donald Pleasence: Oh. I see.
[ Eddie enters a stall, then retches into a toilet ]
Donald Pleasence: Oh, God… do they all do that? Are you alright?
Eddie Murphy: What?
Donald Pleasence: Eddie, are you alright? I mean, are you alright?
Eddie Murphy: Yeah. I’m just vomiting, man — for luck.
Donald Pleasence: For luck?
Eddie Murphy: [ wiping his cheek ] You don’t vomit, man?
Donald Pleasence: Have I vomit? I haven’t throw up enough for that. You do it for luck?
Eddie Murphy: You didn’t vomit before you filmed “Halloween”?
Donald Pleasence: I vomited after I saw the film, but… no! No, because it was scary, a scary film.
Eddie Murphy: Yeah, I vomited, too — same reason. Well, look, man, we all vomit for luck.
Donald Pleasence: I’m not superstitious, and I don’t really feel like being sick.
Eddie Murphy: Well, you do whatever you want to do, man. I might vomit again a little later, but… [ Pleasence laughs uproariously ] Take it easy.
Donald Pleasence: I just feel scared.
Eddie Murphy: You’ll be alright, man.
Donald Pleasence: Okay, have a nice show.
Eddie Murphy: You, too! [ he exits the bathroom ]
Donald Pleasence: Ha! I like that! [ he snaps his fingers ] Show time! Show time! Oh, I suppose there’s no harm in… [ he glances toward the stalls ] trying… [ he sticks his finger down his throat and rushes into a stall and retches ]
[ suddenly, John Belushi exits the next stall, peers into the mirror and fixes his hair. The audience applauds wildly as he stares into the mirror, then approaches a urinal as the scene fades and the opening montage begins ]
SummaryWhere’s the cast? Joe Piscopo and Eddie Murphy are still there, but what happened to everyone else? The “new” cast wasn’t working out, nor was the new producer, so NBC placed Dick Ebersol in charge of production, and he gave the show a brand new face-lift. Ebersol produced the very last episode of the 1980 season (just before the writer’s strike), brought in a few new players, and they’ve carried over into the new season. Joining Piscopo and Murphy this season are part-time “SCTV” players Robin Duke and Tony Rosato, Christine Ebersole, Mary Gross, Tim Kazurinsky and former writer/featured SNL performer Brian Doyle-Murray. This season did things a little differently. The cold openings didn’t end with the shouting of “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”, and in fact were often replaced by a fake commercial bumper. Missing, also, was the monologue. Instead, the cast was introduced as a group on the front stage, then they would run into their places for the first sketch. However, older fans of the show received a treat (on Halloween night, no less), when former cast member John Belushi made a cameo appearance in the men’s room on an episode hosted by Donald Pleasance. Belushi had promised to make the cameo appearance if Fear was booked as a musical guest. Even though he had no lines in the skit, there he was, the original “Bad Boy” of “SNL”. This season played out in an unusual manner, but the show was saved from cancellation by the performances of the new cast – Eddie Murphy, especially, with his huge assortment of characters, including Ho Entrepreneur Velvet Jones and Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood. Still not the greatest season in SNL history, but 1981 picked up the pieces that had been scattered rampantly at the beginning of the decade.
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Air Date:
Vomiting For Luck
Summary: Eddie Murphy convinces a nervous Donald Pleasance to vomit before the live show for good luck.
Summary: 
Summary: Irksome joggers jog into the tunnel, where they become trapped like roaches and can’t get out.
Summary: Take your pick as to which persona of Jerry Lewis is more annoying — the childlike moron (Eddie Murphy) or the older, embittered Vegas hanger-on (Joe Piscopo).
Summary: Disgruntled but lonely housewife (Christine Ebersole) cleans up the bloodied mess while singing about how she killed her husband (Neil Levy) the night before.
Summary: In a film by Elbert Budin, a pumpkin carved into a jack-o-lantern is symbolic of a human head being mutilated for the same purpose.
Summary: Guardian Angel (Eddie Murphy) gives tips on how you can survive in Harlem.
Summary: Comic-juggler Michael Davis juggles apples, including one jammed with razors in honor of Halloween.
Summary: Field reporter Mary Gross tries to lure confidential information about President Ronald Reagan’s decision factor on the AWAC plan from advisor Frank Sinatra (Joe Piscopo). Meteorologist Christine Eversole is in no mood to give the night’s weather report after revealing that her apartment was robbed. Film critic Raheem Abdul Mohammed (Eddie Muprhy) loves to watch horror films because he gets to watch stupid white people die. Brian Doyle Murray is surprised to learn that tonight is his birthday.
Summary: To help set their day in fast-paced motion, members of a suburban family (Joe Piscopo, Mary Gross, Tony Rosato, Robin Duke) consume nothing but pure sugar and sugar by-products for breakfast.
Summary: Andy Warhol calls famous friends like Calvin Klein and Rona Barrett to see what they’re doing for Halloween, then his head falls off and he’s ready to go to a costume party.
Summary: Mary Gross updates viewers on the flood of home movies submitted since the season premiere, acknowledging that they’ve all sucked so far. She then plays a clip from Walter Smith’s cinematic embarrassment “Wonder Wally”.
Summary: Vic Salukin (Tony Rosato) challenges his viewers to scare him over the phone for Halloween.
Summary: America’s hottest new writers are coming straight out of prison. Tyrone Green (Eddie Murphy) is but one example.
Transcript
