Category: 1982

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3




Search Now:

82c: Ron Howard / The Clash

Nukes Are For Kooks

Ed…..Gary Kroeger
Mrs. Board…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Brian…..Brad Hall
Robber…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on interior, general store, where storekeeper Ed and co-worker Mrs. Board each conduct business while clutching a nuclear warhead ]

Ed: Big dance over at the high school tonight, Mrs. Board.

Mrs. Board: Oh, I remember my first high school dance.

Ed: Yep, so do I. You know, you were quite a looker then.

Mrs. Board: Ooh, well, you were nothing to sneeze at in those days, Ed.

[ they each chuckle at the remembrance ]

Ed: You know, the nights I’ve spent dreaming about sucking your face, Mrs. Board,

Mrs. Board: [ blushes ] Oh, Ed!

[ they again laugh, as Brian sprints into the general store carrying a nuclear warhead of his own ]

Brian: Hey, Doc! Hey, Mrs. Board

Ed: Well, hello, Brian!

Mrs. Board: Hi there, young man. What have you been up to?

Brian: Pearl diving. Why?

Mrs. Board: Well, you got a big date for the dance?

Brian: You’re darn right! I’ve got my first date with a real girl!

Mrs. Board: Oh, my goodness! Isn’t that nice?

Brian: Yeah! [ moves over toward Ed at the counter ] After the dance, I’m gonna bring her here for a soda, Doc!

Ed: Well, you know, it’s always nice to see your fresh face in my general store, Brian.

Brian: It’s just youth, sir, just youth.

[ Ed chuckles at the anecdote, as a robber runs into the general store carrying, not a nuclear warhead, but a pistol ]

Robber: Alright, you hicks – freeze! [ runs over to Ed at the counter ] Alright, old man, open the cash register.

Ed: You don’t mind if I ask you this, young man: [ covers the pistol with his hand ] Is that a real gun you’re sportin’ there? [ he and the others laugh amongst themselves ]

Robber: You want to find out the hard way, old man?

Ed: Oh, no! No, no, no! I-I don’t suppose I do! [ he and the others continue to laugh amongst themselves ]

Robber: [ rushes over to Mrs. Board and Brian ] Hey! Hey! What’s so funny? [ Brian just laughs ] Yeah? You just keep laughing while I blow away the old lady! [ wraps his arm around Mrs. Board to hold her hostage, but the others just laugh harder ]

Mrs. Board: [ to Brian ] Did you bring your camera, I want a picture of this!

Brian: I forgot the Instamatic – today of all days!

Ed: [ walks over to join the crowd ] Always – always when you need one, huh? [ they all continue to laugh amongst themselves ]

Robber: [ confused ] Hey! Hey, wh-what’s going on?

Ed: Oh, listen here, young feller – that gun won’t do you any good here in Dunkerton.

Robber: [ getting angry ] And why not?

Ed: We all carry nuclear warheads. [ pats his on the head ]

Brian: Yep! [ pats his on the head as well ]

Mrs. Board: It’s a city ordinance!

Robber: City ordinance? Huh?

Ed: That’s right – city ordinance! It says every citizen’s got to carry himself a warhead. “No one is gonna step on Dunkerton,” says the Mayor. So you cause any ruckus in this store, and we’ll drop these warheads. Blow out a patch of land the size of Des Moines, blow your fingers and toes down clear over to Keokuk!

Robber: [ not impressed ] Yeah, well, it’ll take your fingers and toes clear over to Keokuk, too!

Ed: Damn straight! So just get the Sam Hill outta here!

Robber: [ taps Ed’s nuclear warhead with his pistol ] Yeah, well, you forgot one thing, Oppenheimer! I am a very desperate man with very little to lose! [ walks back over to the cash register ] So you know what I’m gonna do, pal? I am gonna cal your bluff! [ opens the cash register and begins collecting the paper bills ]

Ed: [ aghast ] Do you think I’m bluffin’?! Well, just look at me now if you think I’m bluffin’! I’ll drop this warhead! [ raises his nuclear warhead into the air ] Ready position! [ Mrs. Board and Brian raise their nuclear warheads into the air as well ]

Robber: [ chuckles to himself as he crosses toward the door ] Bombs away, Dunkers! [ exits the general store ]

Ed: Huh?! Get the Sam Hill back here! [ stands at the fot of the door, screaming into the distance ] I’ll drop it!! I will drop it!!

[ Mrs. Board and Brian lower their nucelar warheads in defeat ]

Brian: Hey, Doc Festoon?

Ed: [ meekly lowers his nuclear warhead as well ] What is it, Brian?

Brian: Well. Perhaps nuclear warheads are not an effective deterrant.

Ed: That’s right, Brian. [ turns to address the audience ] Nuclear warheads are not an effective deterrant. And weren’t we fools not to realize it? Why, there are already seven nations in the nuclear club, with the ability to destroy the Earth many times over.

Mrs. Board: [ moves forward, removing her glasses ] Well, you know, the idea that you can win a nuclear war is just bunk! It’s loony!

Brian: [ comes forward as well ] Gosh! I’ve learned an important lesson here today! Nukes are for kooks! [ smiles ]

[ the robber re-enters the general store to address the audience as well ]

Robber: That’s mighty convincing anti-nuclear rhetoric. I’d like to re-create this scene for my friends, so that they might know the evils of nuclear proliferation!

Ed: Well, you’re in luck! [ to the audience ] Transcripts of this scene are available now from this station. Here’s how to order. [ looks up ] Don?

Don Pardo V/O: Thanks, Ed.

[ dissolve to information card ]

For your transcript, send $2.95 and a stamped self-addressed envelope to: “Nukes Are For Kooks, Saturday Night Live Sketches With a Message Dept. Box 9-1-2, New York, New York, 1-0-1-0-1.”

[ dissolve back to general store scene ]

Altogether: And, remember – only you can prevent forest fires!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3

82c: Ron Howard / The Clash

Opie’s Back

Floyd…Eddie Murphy
Otis…Joe Piscopo
Aunt Bea…Robin Duke
Opie…Ron Howard
Barney…Gary Kroeger
Gomer…Brad Hall
Andy…Andy Griffith

[Open on black-and-white photo of small town. The “Andy Griffith Show” theme is whistled in the background]

Announcer: Mayberry, 1963. A haven of traditional American values. A quiet paradise of warmth, hospitality, and law and order. [Dissolve to photo of Andy Griffith as Sheriff Andy Taylor] all maintained by Sheriff Andy Taylor. But then, Sheriff Taylor was killed in a fishing accident. [Dissolve to photo of Mayberry storefronts, including Floyd’ Barber Shop] and with its protector gone, Mayberry went bad! [Music changes to “stripper” version of theme song. The storefronts suddenly transform into adult businesses: “Girls Girls Girls”, “Floyd’s Sex Palace” and “Drugs”] Mayberry, 1982. A cesspool of vice, where pleasure is cheap, and life is cheaper.

[Dissolve to the inside of Floyd’s store. In addition to the barber chair, the store contains blow-up sex dolls, lingerie and other adult merchandise]

Floyd: [to customer in barber chair] Here you go. All straightened up now. Now, that was a haircut and a shave, and, oh, a party doll. I think that’s gonna cost you $40. Ah, thank you very much. Thank you, sir. Have a nice day! Have a very nice day! [Customer opens the door as Otis the drunk enters]

Customer: Oh hi, Otis! [exits]

Otis: [staggers over to Floyd, slurring] Floyd, ya gotta help me! I need a fix!

Floyd: Otis, you shut up and sit down! [forces Otis into the barber chair]

Otis: I need a fix real bad, Floyd. I feel spiders under my skin.

Floyd: You shut your mouth. You still owe me money. [Waves razor in front of Otis] I’ll cut you wide open, you fat pig!

Otis: Don-Don-Don’t cut me! Don’t cut me! I heard you had a little party last night, Floyd.

Floyd: Oh yeah, that big shindig last night. Tied up that old bitch Thelma Lou for a better view from the ceiling, then I lathered her up with my strap and gave her a little shave.

Otis: [burps] Did she scream a lot?

Floyd: Only when I nicked her, Otis. [laughs]

[Aunt Bea enters holding a gun]

Aunt Bea: You turn around real slow, Floyd, or I’ll put a bullet in that black butt of yours!

Floyd: [turns around] Oh, Bea, how are ya? So good to see you.

Aunt Bea: Well, Floyd, Thelma Lou tells me that you sliced her up a little and nobody cuts up one of my girls without payin’ extra.

Floyd: Oh sorry, I don’t think I have any extra money on me.

Aunt Bea: Well…

[Snare drum beat cuts them off as narration resumes]

Announcer: Mayberry, a town in the grips of the hardest criminals ever to stain a street. But in 1982, the scum who run Mayberry had better watch out because…

[A grown-up Opie Taylor enters, wearing a sheriff’s uniform and drawing his gun]

Opie: FREEZE!

[SUPER: “OPIE’S BACK”]

Narrator: Opie’s back!

[Dissolve to black-and-white photo of young Opie Taylor]

Narrator: Opie Taylor. Once he was a young, small-town wimp who got beaten up for his lunch money. [Dissolve to photo of grown-up Opie in soldier’s uniform] But then he left home and grew up fast in Vietnam. [Dissolve to photo of American soldier in Vietnam] and taught the Viet Cong a lesson in small town American values with a flame-thrower. [Dissolve back to present-day Opie in Floyd’s store] And now, he’s back ready to clean up Mayberry with a loaded .357.

Opie: Drop that gun, lady!

Aunt Bea: Why, I recognize that voice! It belongs to that obnoxious red nephew of mine!

Opie: Aunt Bea!

Aunt Bea: Opie! [Opie and Aunt Bea hug] What the hell are you doing here? We heard you bought it in ‘Nam.

Opie: Oh no, that wasn’t me, Aunt Bea. That was The Beaver. Nah, I spent three years in a rat cage in Kwang Tree. Three years dreamin’ o’ orange pop, fishin’ and apple pie. What happened to this town, Aunt Bea?

Aunt Bea: Well, times change, runt. Your damn father didn’t leave much for me to live on, so I rounded up Thelma Lou and a couple of the girls and I started a local business. Well, turns out people were tired of havin’ to drive up to Mount Pilot every time they wanted to get some tail.

Opie: Aunt Bea, that’s disgusting! And Floyd, Floyd, what’s happened to you? You’re…what, you’re…

Floyd: I’m black, genius. Always been black, Opie. Always, oh, for years I was black. Black, oh, for ten years. Your pa used to know about it. He used to make me walk around Mayberry wearin’ whiteface. Your pa knew about it. You know, you should live up to it. You’re getting your hair cut by a Negro, boy. If I had my way, I would cut your throat. I woulda. Yeah.

Opie: That’s enough, Floyd! Now all of you, listen up! I don’t care if times have changed. This town’s goin’ back to the way it was, even if I have to scrape every last bit of scum off the sidewalks with my own hands. We might as well start with this place, too. Look at this! That’s awful! [Begins ripping the adult merchandise off the wall]

Floyd: Hey, that’s not necessary to pull that down.

Aunt Bea: Opie. Opie!

Floyd: [as Opie rips another item off the wall] Hey, oh, that’s my favorite.

[Deputy Barney Fife and Gomer Pyle enter. Barney has his gun drawn]

Barney: Hold it right there, Ope! Gomer, take his gun.

Gomer: Hey there, Opie!

Opie: Gomer?

Gomer: [Takes Opie’s gun] You get your hands on the counter there. Put your feet back and spread ’em. I’m gonna search ya, Opie. [Gomer gives Opie a pat-down search] Well, gawww-lee! You sure got a hard body, Opie! He’s clean, Barn.

Opie: Barney!

Barney: That’s right, Ope. Nice to see ya again. [Walks over to Floyd] Floyd, youse late on your payments.

Floyd: Oh, sorry ’bout that, Barney.

Opie: Barney! What the heck is goin’ on here?

Barney: Well, Mayberry’s grown up! Oh, and I see that you have, too! You know, I could use a good man like yourself to make collections.

Aunt Bea: Ooo, the girls would just love to see some new blood around the house! They’d just gobble up a young stud like you!

Gomer: Hey, Ope! If y’all come up to the garage, I’ll show you my dipstick!

Barney: Look, Ope. [Takes a bullet from his pocket and loads it into his gun] Either you accept Mayberry right now or I’m gonna have to waste you. [Points gun at Opie]

Opie: [walks over to window] Oh, I sure wish Pa was here. He’d know what to do.

[Andy’s head appears in the upper-left corner of the screen]

Andy: What’s the matter, Ope? You got a problem?

Opie: Pa! Pa, is that you? I need your help. I came back to clean up Mayberry, but I can’t. They took my gun!

Andy: Aw, a gun never solved anything. I never carried one. You wanna get people over to your side, [winks] do what I did! Talk to ’em, reason with ’em. And if that doesn’t work, ball up your fists and hit ’em upside the head! [grins] How do you think I kept Aunt Bea in line?

Opie: [Wipes a tear from his eye] Thanks, Pa! [Andy’s image disappears. Opie walks over to Barney] Gimme that gun, Barney.

Barney: I don’t think so.

Opie: BARNEY!

Barney: Here ya go. [He hands Opie the gun]

Opie: [to Floyd] Otis, within the next 24 hours, the sexiest thing I wanna see in this shop had better be a bottle of Old Spice. You got it?

Floyd: I got it, Ope, and I’m Floyd.

Opie: [realizing his mistake] I told you I couldn’t recognize you! [Pats Otis on the chest] Hey, Otis! [Otis burps. Opie walks over to Aunt Bea] Now, Aunt Bea, I want you to get yourself back in that little kitchen, and I want you to bake me the biggest….

Aunt Bea: Oh, drop dead! I don’t remember the recipe!

Opie: [raising his hand to hit Aunt Bea] You better remember it, Aunt Bea!

Barney: That’s right, you better remember it!

Opie: [grabs Gomer] Now, Gomer, you get yourself back in that closet, or you get outta town!

Gomer: Shaaa-ZAM!

Opie: I’m gonna make Mayberry what it once was: wholesome, virtuous! I know it’s a big job, but America’s gotta have somethin’ to believe in. [To the audience] Come one, everybody! You all remember it! [Begins whistling the “Andy Griffith Show” theme along with the recording]

[fade]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3

82c: Ron Howard / The Clash

Velvet Jones

Velvet Jones…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on oil painting of black couple in an embrace ]

Velvet Jones V/O: Who among us has not dreamed of faraway places and intertwined lovers?

[ dissolve to Velvet Jones standing in front of a stack of paperbacks ]

Velvet Jones: Hi, I’m Velvet Jones. And if you love love as much as I do, I know you will want to buy my latest Velvet Jones Harlequin romance books. There are many exquisite titles to choose from, such as.. [ holds up book titled Velvet Love ] ..Velvet Love. Listen:

[ romantic music plays in the background, as Velvet reads a passage from Velvet Love ]

“When she touched her lips to the glass, Lawanda’s heart beat inside her. I knew from that very first moment that the three dollars I had spent on wine would not go to waste.”

[ puts down book, romantic music stops ]

Wasn’t that romantic? But wait, there’s more. Allow me to read from one of my personal favorites:

[ romantic music starts again, Velvet reads from book entitled A Touch of Velvet ]

“I saw her standing at the gates of the Lincoln Tunnel. Dare I approach her? My heart pounded inside my chest. I felt a burning in my loins I had never felt before. Thus, I realized I had been.. [ puts down book and picks up another one, entitled Kicked in the Butt by Love ] ..Kicked in the Butt by Love.

[ romantic music stops ]

Yes, endless evenings of romance can all be yours, if you order now.

Announcer: [ reading directions on screen ] Rush $5.95 to Velvet Jones, Brooklyn, New York.

Velvet Jones: Who wrote the book of love? Velvet. It’s as simple as that.

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3

82c: Ron Howard / The Clash

The Whiners

Doctor…..Ron Howard
Doug Whiner…..Joe Piscopo
Wendy Whiner…..Robin Duke

[ open in Doctor’s office, Doug & Wendy Whiner seated in front of his desk ]

Doctor: Well.. I’ve gone over all your test results, and, frankly, I can’t find anything physically wrong with you..

Whiners: [ whining profusely ] Then why can’t we have a babyyy?

Doctor: Well, uh.. Mr. & Mrs. Whiner.. it seems to me that the problem just couyld be psychological. Is there anything bothering either one of you?

Doug Whiner: Ohhhh.. my di-ver-tic-u-lit-isss!

Wendy Whiner: My hi-a-tus hern-i-aaaaa..!

Doctor: Well, no, no, no.. I mean, are you under any kind of stress?

Doug Whiner: Well, Wendy’s mom is stay-ing with usss..

Wendy Whiner: Doug lost his jo-o-obb..

Doug Whiner: Our a-part-ment was ro-obbeddd..

Wendy Whiner: And I don’t feel a-ttract-ive!

Doug Whiner: Oh, Wen-dy, you’re beau-ti-fulll.. [ hugs her ]

Wendy Whiner: But I can’t have a ba-byyy!

Doctor: Mr. & Mrs. Whiner, you two are obviously both under a great deal of strain, from what you’ve just told me. It’s a strain just to listen to it. But, frankly, this happens time and time again to couples. you’re just trying too hard to have a baby. In these instances, I recommend that you adopt.

Whiners: [ alarmed ] A-dopttt?! But we want our own ba-byyy!!

Doctor: Please. Please just let me finiish. Very often, once the adoption procedure begins, why then a couple relaxes, and bang, they’re pregnant!

Doug Whiner: But it’s so much both-errr!

Wendy Whiner: And it would-n’t be a real Whine-rrr!

Doug Whiner: I’m the last of the Whine-rsss! Doc-tor, my genes must live onnn..

Wendy Whiner: Is-n’t there some-thing you can do-o-o? I want to be a moth-errr!

Doug Whiner: And I want to be a fath-errrr!

Whiners: We want to be par-entsss!!

Doctor: Alright, alright! Just shut up! I’m very sorry that I lost my temper, but if you would only listen to me. There is another alternative. Artificial insemination.

Whiners: [ alarmed ] Art-i-fic-ial in-sem-in-at-ionnnn??!!

Doctor: Would you please just let me finish what I was telling you about..?

Doug Whiner: I don’t knowww.. artificial inseminationnn..?

Wendy Whiner: Ohhh, no-o-o, no-o-o..!

Doctor: [ sticks his fingers in his ears ] We take Doug’s sperm, insert in an egg from Wendy, plant it in a surrogate mother, and, BOOM, you got a Whiner! [ happy, the Whiners kiss ] Look, look.. [ grabs some brochures ] Here’s all the literature, the address of the clinic, the phone number.. please, please, go, go!

Doug Whiner: It looks gre-at! I feel like a man a-gainn!

Wendy Whiner: And I won’t get fa-att!

Doug Whiner: Thank you, Doc-torr!

Doctor: You’re very, very welcome. Here’s the door. [ opens door ]

Whiners: We’re gon-na have a bab-byyy!!

Wendy Whiner: Will you de-liv-er itt?

Doctor: No! Uh.. I mean.. I’m giving up my practice and, uh.. moving! I’m moving to.. Puerto Rico! I’m going to Puerto Rico!

Doug Whiner: Can we vis-it you with the ba-byyy?

Doctor: No! [ thinking ] They don’t allow babies in Puerto Rico! I’m sorry! It’s a law. [ closes door ]

Whiners: [ open the door back up ] Can we name it af-ter you-ou-ou??

[ the Doctor slumps in his chair as the crowd around him again ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 4


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 23rd, 1982

Howard Hesseman

Men at Work

Bill Irwin

Susan Saint James

Joe Dicso

Milan Melvin
Killing TimeSummary: Robin Duke stalls for time while walking the halls of Studio 8-H in search of late arrival Howard Hesseman.

Montage

Howard Hesseman’s MonologueAlso Hosted: 79f, 82m.

The Girls of Saturday Night LiveSummary: Robin Duke, Mary Gross and Julia Louis-Dreyfus pose for a Playboy photo spread.

The DeLorean Home

Good Morning AmericaTranscript

Men At Work performs “Who Can It Be Now”Also Performed: 83c.

Dad, I’m Straight

Marvin in the CaribbeanRecurring Characters: Marvin, Celeste.

Transcript

Saturday Night News with Brad Hall

Naked Corpse Funeral

Bill Irwin

Uncle Teddy’s Little Theatre

Men At Work performs “Down Under”

The Amazing Ronco Answer Book

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 4

82d: Howard Hesseman / Men At Work

Marvin in the Caribbean

Marvin…..Tim Kazurinsky
Celeste…..Mary Gross
Policeman…..Eddie Murphy
Marena…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Gremand…..Howard Hesseman

[FADE IN on a cantina in a Caribbean town. A big, black, bearded bartender turns on the jukebox, which starts playing marimba music. Two men and a woman are sitting at a table and playing cards, while two women in colorful dresses converse with men at the bar. A moment later, Tim Kazurinsky and Mary Gross walk in, obviously dressed as American tourists.]

Marvin: What do you think?

Celeste: It certainly is colorful!

Marvin: Maybe we should leave.

Celeste: Oh, we wouldn’t want to hurt their feelings. Let’s have a drink.

Marvin: Okay.

[They sit down at a table to the left. Marvin raises his hand and calls over toward the bar.]

Marvin: Uh, waiter? Could we get some service, please?

[Bartender walks toward them and tosses a small drink list on the table]

Bartender: [in a gruff voice] Drinks?!

Celeste: [studying menu] Ooooooooo, piña colada! That sounds exotic!

Marvin: Sounds nice. [to bartender] Could we have two piña coladas, and could we please get those little paper umbrellas in them?

[Bartender glares at them and stalks away]

Celeste: Goodness, the local people certainly are quaint!

Marvin: This is exciting.

[Celeste giggles]

Marvin: This place brings out the animal in me.

[Marvin growls pretends to claw at Celeste’s arm like a lion. She screams and laughs. As they repeat the action, Eddie Murphy enters dressed as a policeman in a white uniform and helmet. He watches them for a moment.]

Policeman: PAR-don ME!!

[Marvin and Celeste jump]

Policeman: But I am going to have to ask to see your passports!

Marvin: [fishes out passport] Of course.

Celeste: Well, I hope we’re not in any trouble.

Policeman: So do I, for your sake.

Celeste: [gasps] Ooooooooo!

[Policeman opens up passport and reads it. Suddenly, there is a dramatic horn fanfare, and he looks up with wide eyes.]

Policeman: [to Tim] So! The Iguana has returned!

Celeste: [looks around] Where?!

Policeman: I was speaking to your husband. You will find that things have changed in Stanley Key. The climate is no longer suitable for the Iguana! You do yourselves wise to be on the next boat out of here!

Marvin: [innocently] We plan to be.

Policeman: I hope so, for your sake. I’ll be watching you, Iguana. Have a nice day. [walks out]

Celeste: Honey? Why did he call you [growls] “the Iguana?!”

Marvin: It must be some kind of local custom. Something they call the tourists: iguanas!

Celeste: Oooh. [hands purse to Marvin] Will you watch my purse? I have to go to the powder room.

[Celeste exits stage left. A moment later, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, as Marena, walks in wearing a sexy red dress and smoking a cigarette. She walks over to the bar and speaks briefly to the bartender. She sets down her cigarette, picks up a piña colada, and turns toward Marvin and sets her drink on her knee.]

Marena: [in heavy Caribbean accent] Mal-ven! So, it’s true, you are alive! Not like the others, all dead, drowned like rats! But you! I didn’t know the Iguana could swim!

[Marena grabs Marvin’s shirt]

Marena: If you only knew how long I wanted to kill you! I hate you!!!

[She slaps his face twice, then grabs his head and kisses him passionately]

Marena: I thought of you every moment!

Marvin: I-I-I thought about you too, Marena!

Marena: If Drummond knew you were here, he would kill you! I hate you! [grabs Tim’s head and kisses him again] I love you!

Marvin: Tell me, Marena, do you still dance the meringue?

[Marena smiles coyly and pulls him gently across the room by his head. She lets go and puts her foot up on a chair while Marvin walks over to the jukebox. He hits it, and she starts moving her leg to meringue music. He grabs her, tucks her hand behind her back, and starts to tango with her. They dance stiffly in the middle of the cantina, throwing their heads back and then kissing each other in rhythm, while the others watch. Soon Howard Hesseman, as Gremand, walks in with khaki clothes and a cigarette in the corner of his mouth. He watches the dancers for a moment, and then slaps the jukebox. Music stops as Gremand spits out his cigarette and glares at them.] Howard: So! It is you! I thought I smelled something. There is nothing quite like the stench of the iguana.

[Marvin lets go of Marena and motions her away. She dashes to the bar and fearfully averts her face.]

Marvin: I’m surprised to see you, Gremand.

[sound effect of a fly buzzing through the air] Howard: I know.

[Gremand looks up and pretends to catch the fly in mid-air. A second later, he opens his mouth and eats the fly.] Howard: You thought I had drowned with the others! You scuttled that schooner, didn’t you?

Marvin: Well, why would I do that–with two and a half million dollars shipment on board? Howard: You knew it wasn’t on the schooner! It was on the other boat, the Catch! The one that sailed north for Florida! But the crew from that boat isn’t around to talk, are they, Iguana?

Marvin: [sips drink] That’s right. It seems they got in the way of a machine gun. [snickers] So… you know everything. Howard: Yes.

Marvin: Well… [in squeaky voice] What are you gonna do about it? Howard: Just this! [Gremand steps back, takes a survival knife out from under his sock, and flings the sheath onto the floor. He raises the knife and moves to stab Marvin. With one hand, Marvin grabs Gremand’s wrist and stops him cold. Marvin coolly sips his drink while Gremand squirms and grunts and tries to free his arm.]

Marvin: Shouldn’t play with sharp objects, Gremand. [pulls knife from Gremand’s hand] A man can get hurt.

[Marvin lets him go, and Gremand cries out in pain and slumps onto the floor. He gets up a moment later.] Howard: All right, all right. We will meet again, somewhere, someday, Iguana! Marena?

[Gremand turns and grabs Marena’s arm and drags her out of the cantina with him. She reaches out desperately toward Marvin as she is pulled away, but he only waves bye-bye after her. Marvin walks back to his table with the survival knife in his hand, stands behind the table, and suddenly stabs the knife into the tabletop.]

Marvin: [in a squeaky Mickey Mouse voice] Anybody else?

[The others in the cantina only look nonchalantly at him. Tim pulls the knife out of the tabletop and sets it aside on the floor just as Celeste walks back in.]

Celeste: [sweetly] Hi, honey.

Marvin: [squeaky] Hi.

[The bartender walks over with the two piña coladas they had ordered before]

Marvin: Oh, just in time!

Celeste: Oooh, what pretty drinks!

Marvin: Uh, waiter, I think you forgot the little paper umbrellas.

Bartender: Oh, I’m very sorry. [calls frantically over to bar] Quick, a paper umbrella for the Iguana! Mary: And one for Mrs. Iguana!

Bartender: And-and one for Mrs. Iguana!

[Someone from off camera hustles the little paper umbrellas over to the bartender, and he hands them quickly to the couple. Watching them fearfully, he grabs Marena’s unfinished drink and darts away. The first marimba music starts back up.]

Marvin: To us, honey.

Celeste: To adventure!

[They put in the paper umbrellas and put their straws in the other’s drink. Marvin and Celeste drink up and look lovingly at each other. ZOOM back to show the others drinking and playing cards just as before.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 5


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 30th, 1982

Michael Keaton

Joe Jackson

Michael Palin

None
No Cue CardsSummary: Michael Keaton is distraught to learn that cue cards won’t be available for tonight’s broadcast.

Montage

Michael Keaton’s MonologueAlso Hosted: 92f.

The Interesting FourRecurring Characters: The Human Stapler, Weather Woman, Seiko, Mr. Wonderful.

Scary Story

Thank You, Ron Reagan

Teddy BearsTranscript

Joe Jackson performs “Steppin’ Out”

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Raheem Abdul Muhammed.

Political Campaign, Behind-the-Scenes

Topol the Idiot

The Nutty ProfessorRecurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.

Joe Jackson performs “Another World”

Gory Pumpkin CarvingNote: Repeat from 10/31/81.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 5




Search Now:

82e: Michael Keaton / Joe Jackson

Teddy Bears

Marsha…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
David…..Tim Kazurinsky

[ Marsha opens the door to her apartment and shows David in ]

Marsha: I don’t usually bring guys home on a first date.. but this is my place. What do you thik of it?

David: [ looks around ] A little dark.

Marsha: [ turns light on ] Well?

David: It’s very, uh.. wicker.

Marsha: Oh, I have a lot of plants, too, you know? You have to go home now.

David: [ makes his exit ] Good night, Marsha.. it was very interesting, uh..

Marsha: Oh, aren’t you going to kiss me goodnight? [ he kisses her ] Oh, that was good. It wasn’t wet. I hate wet ones!

David: Yeah.. look, I’ll call you, okay?

Marsha: Ooh! [ runs to closet ] This is my closet! [ pulls out negligee and holds it against her, catching David’s interest ] What are you staring at?

David: Uh.. nothing..

Marsha: [ runs to her bed and sits ] And this is my bed.. ] pats the space to her, signalling him to sit ]

David: [ closes door, removes jacket, and sits ] I had a good time tonight.

Marsha: Oh, I had a good time, too!

David: Good.

Marsha: Yeah. The movie was good.

David: Good.

Marsha: Do you want to sleep with me?

David: Yes! [ she slaps him ] I think I’ll be going home now, Marsha..

Marsha: [ picks up her teddy bear and talks in teddy bear voice ] Ooh, say good night to Snookie!

David: Snookie?

Marsha: Ooh, did you miss Mommy while she was bye-bye, Snookie?

David: Uh.. Marsha.. uh..?

Marsha: Oh, Snookie, don’t be shy. David is very nice. He’s not like that dumb, stupid old Michael McCarthy?

David: Who’s Michael McCarthy?

Marsha: Oh, he’s this guy I was sleeping with.

David: Sleeping with?

Marsha: Yeah. But I dumped him because Snookie didn’t like him, right, Snookie?

David: Snookie didn’t like him?

Marsha: Mmm-hmm.. Snookie didn’t like him at all. Snookie, say hello to David..

David: [ in teddy bear voice of his own ] What didn’t Snookie like about him?

Marsha: Say hello to David!

David: Hello, Snookie!

Marsha: Snookie wants you to shake her paw!

David: [ laughing ] Alright, this has gone far enough, Marsha..

Marsha: Come on! Come on, Snookie wants you to shake her paw!

David: Okay.. [ grabs Snookie’s paw ] Hello, Snookie. How you doing? Nice to meet you. Terrible weather we’ve been having lately, huh? So, do you think Begin should resign, or wait a vote of no confidence from the canessa?

Marsha: [ pulls Snookie away ] Snookie thinks you’re being insincere.

David: Me?

Marsha: Yeah! Snookie thinks you’re talking down to her!

David: I am!

Marsha: Ohhh.. Snookie’s crying real tears now. See..?

David: Life is short, Marsha! I’ll be going now! [ gets up and grabs his coat ]

Marsha: Well, that’s too bad. ‘Cause Snookie thought I should slepe with you.

David: [ drops coat, sits next to Marsha again ] Do you think Snookie could ever forgive David?

Marsha: If you kiss Snookie!

David: Do you really think that’s necessary?

Marsha: Yes, I do..

David: Okay.. [ kisses Snookie ]

Marsha: No, come on! Kiss him some more! Come on, right on his nose! [ David obeys ] Now, blow in his ear!

David: No..

Marsha: Blow in his ear! [ he blows ] Now, tell her you’re sorry.

David: David was a very bad boy, and he’s sorry! Can Snookie ever forgive David?

Marsha: Yes! Snookie forgives David.. but I don’t, and I’ll never, ever sleep with you!

David: [ grabs Snookie’s neck ] How would you like to see Snookie go into permanent hibernation, huh?!

Marsha: [ grabs Snookie back ] Stop it! Stop it! you’re hurting Snookie! You’re hurting her! Ohhh.. she’s very sensitive, and she has no friends..

David: [ takes off his sock, puts it on his hand ] Hello, Snookie! This is Sammy the Sock, and he wants to play with you!

Marsha: Mmm.. what kind of game does Sammy the Sock want to play?

David: Uh..it’s a little game called “One Size Fits All.

Marsha: Ooh! Clap your hands, Snookie! [ Sammy the Sock reaches back to unzip Marsha’s dress ] Ooohhh.. Snookie, what was that sound?

David: Zipity-doo-dah, zipity-ay!

Together: My oh my, what a wonderful day!

David: [ howls ] Uh-oh! Snookie, it’s Mr. Wolf! Quick! Let’s hide under the covers!

Marsha: Come on, Snookie!

[ both singing “Zipity-Doo-Dah, David and Marsha hide under the bed’s covers; David tosses the sock and teddy bear aside and finally gets down to business ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 13th, 1982

Robert Blake

Kenny Loggins

None

Merv Griffin
The Merv Griffin Show

Montage

Robert Blake’s MonologueSummary: Former Little Rascal star Robert Blake is reunited with Buckwheat (Eddie Murphy), Alfalfa (Mary Gross), and other members of the “Our Gang” series.

Recurring Characters: Alfalfa, Buckwheat.

Shuttle Mission

PBS Promo

Talent ShowRecurring Characters: Tyrone Green.

Transcript

Little House On The Prairie

Saturday Night News with Brad HallSummary: Dr. Jack Badofsky (Tim Kazurnisky) examines different types of orgasms, then suggests that women should get in touch with actor Tim Kazurinsky if they’re having trouble achieving one.

Recurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.

Kenny Loggins performs “Heart to Heart”

Masterful Theatre

Eddie Murphy Loves White People

No More Andy Kaufman

Kenny Loggins performs “I Gotta Try”

DTV

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 6

82f: Robert Blake / Kenny Loggins

Talent Show

Trumpeter…..Clint Smith
MC….Tim Kazurinsky
Tyrone Green….Eddie Murphy

[Opening shot is of a VFW Hall, with a sign that says “Annual Talent Show, Tonight 8:30”. A trumpet playing is heard. The scene changes to an interior shot of people sitting and listening to the suited trumpeter on stage. He finishes.]

Trumpeter: Ole!

[Applause, stuttering MC gets on stage]

MC: That was-that was great. That was our own Al Reubens playing “Flight of the Bumblebee”..

Trumpeter: Uh, that was the “Bullfighter” song.

MC: Uh, the “Bullfighter” song, yes. He plays it faster and faster every year. [Trumpeter exits] Ok now….what-what’s going on in back? [People turn around, and a “BOO!” is heard.] Will you kids in back knock it off? We’re-we’re-we’re throwing this whole benefit for you guys and so we’d appreciate a little cooperation, for Pete’s sake. All right, th-this next group should be popular with you young people, so let’s have a-a big hand for Tyrone Green and his reggae band.

[Applause. Tyrone enters, slouching, followed by two band members carrying instruments. The MC sticks his hand out, but Tyrone doesn’t touch it. He stands in front of the mic while one band member puts down the drums, and the other carries in a guitar. Tyrone adjusts the mic and his hair.]

Tyrone Green: Hit it, fellas.

[Reggae beats begins, and Tyrone starts bopping to the beat in front of the mic. He sings.]

“I live in a shelter in a, a shanty town
We have no money so we have to sleep on the ground
I play the music, my father he dig a ditch
My mother she do laundry, life sure was a bitch
But soon we kill de white people, oh

[Pan to VFW people in corner giving MC quizzical looks]

We gon’ make them hurt
Kill de white people, yeah

But buy my record first

Whoa, yeah

[MC tries to appease an angry VFW man, and heads on stage to stop the band.]

Why don’t you buy my-”

[MC reaches the stage. Tyrone pauses in his song long enough to glare down the MC, who backs away. Tyrone goes back to bopping and singing.]

“We sing of freedom and for equality
But we really don’t care, we just want money money money
We want to drive in a big black limousine
Get so high off ganja a-we can’t even see
But soon we kill de white people, oh

[People start leaving, and one of the VFWs on the sideline must be restrained by an older VFW and the MC.]

We gonna make them hurt
Kill de white people, yeah
whoa, but buy my record first”

[MC gets on stage again, gesturing as though Tyrone has run out of time. Another glare, more people leave, and clearly seen in the front row is the only other black person in the room, clapping to the beat.]

“When they go to the record store

We gonna wait outside
We gonna hit ’em in de head wit’ a bat and make them cry
Soon we kill-“

[MC desperately grabs the mic from Tyrone]

MC: Uh, don’t leave yet, ’cause little Shirley Dickermine’s gonna tap dance next…[Angry VFWs swarm MC] No, uh, I, no, no I thought they were gonna do “Day-O.”

[Tyrone grabs the mic]

Tyrone Green: “Kill de white people!”

MC: (still protesting) I thought they were gonna do “Day-O.”

[Angry VFWs leave.]

Tyrone Green:
“Kill de white people
but buy my record first.”

[Scene ends as we see the one other black guy stand up and clap along.]

Submitted by: Johanna Swanson

SNL Transcripts