[ open on tight shot of “48 Hrs.” poster in Eddie Murphy’s dressing room ]
[ slow pan right to Eddie sitting in front of his mirror, back to the camera ]
Eddie Murphy: [ turns around ] Oh, how y’all doing? Um.. there’s something I have to tell you about tonight’s host, Nick Nolte.. This summer, Nick and I had the opportunity to work together in a motion picture called “48 Hrs.” Uh.. Nick and I grew together, and Nick taught me a lot about myself, and a lot about acting, and he’s a real great guy. You know, we were sitting around in Paramount’s lot this summer, and I said, “Nick, why don’t you come and host ‘Saturday Night Live’?” and he said, “Yeah, sure, Eddie, anything for you.” That’s the kind of guy Nick was. When Nick got here, and got off the plane, he vomited on my shirt. And we realized Nick was too sick to do the show. And that’s too bad, because Nick was gonna be in some real great stuff tonight. But I know you folks tuned in to see one of the stars of “48 Hrs.” host the show, and, dammit, you’re gonna see it. ‘Cause I’m gonna host the show! “Live, from New York, it’s The Eddie Murphy Show!“
[Alone at home base, Eddie Murphy tries to saygoodnight.]
Eddie Murphy: I’d thank you all for tuning into “The Eddie Murphy Show” this evening. … We had afantastic time. It was a great – [a disturbance in thecrowd, somebody screams] It was a greatexperience.
[Deafening cheers and applause drown out Eddie.Abruptly, an agitated Steve Martin emerges from theaudience and joins Eddie. The crowd goeswild.]
Steve Martin: Hold it! Hold it just a minute!No, wait! I’m sorry! Wait! [cheers and applausecontinues as Steve Martin tries to get a grip onhimself – Eddie looks on blankly – the rest of thecast is standing in the background as the crowd inStudio 8H goes nuts] Hold it just a second! I’m sorry![Steve puts a hand on Eddie’s shoulder as the noisesubsides] You know, I’m sitting at home, watching theshow, they say there’s gonna be no host! I’m sittin’home alone. I say, “What’s goin’ on here? No host?!”And I’m sittin’ home alone?! … [applause] Imean, Eddie — you’re takin’ money out o’ MY pocket!… I’m a professional host! I mean, you got a lot o’guys! [counts on his fingers] You got Letterman, yougot Carson, you got me, you got Buck Henry! We’resittin’ home alone?! … I mean, I got mouthsto feed! I got thirteen illegitimate kids across thecountry. … [applause] I called three girls uptonight. None of ’em’d go out with me! You know why?[sobs] ‘Cuz I hadn’t hosted in two years! … I’msittin’ home alone! There’s no host! Nobody calls me![suddenly angry] This is the kind of thing that reallyirritates me! I’ll tell ya something–! And if youfeel OFFENDED — and your cast and your producer feelOFFENDED — that I’ve come out here like this– Well,EXCUUUUUSE ME!
[Huge cheers and applause as Steve Martin stalks offthe stage and exits. Eddie, who has stared blankly atSteve throughout the tirade, watches him go. The restof the cast, led by Tim Kazurinsky, laughs, applaudsand joins Eddie at center stage to wave at the crowd.Credits roll. Tim shakes Eddie’s hand. The castmingles with Lionel Ritchie and his band.]
Don Pardo V/O: Join us in future weeks when ourhosts will be Howard Hesseman and Bill Murray. Untilnext time, this is Don Pardo saying: I’m glad we havethese little talks. It’s so lonely in thisannounce booth. Johnny Olsen, if you’re listening,give me a call! Good night.
Gumby…..Eddie Murphy Marie Osmond…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus Donnie Osmond…..Gary Kroeger Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo
Gumby: Merry Christmas, Dammit! I am Gumby, and I want to say before I get started – it’s about time the swines at the network gave me my own special. I’ve been sitting in my living room watching specials by nobodies like Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer for years. Hey, Rudy: Drop dead, baby! This is my special! We know why the nose is red, Rudy! [ mimes drinking ] You know, this is the part of the special when I was going to decorate the Christmas tree with my very good friend, Sammy Davis, Jr. [ walks over to the huge Christmas tree ] But, unfortunately, Sammy could not be here tonight.. but he did send us this lovely ornament to decorate the tree with.. [ pulls out an eyeball attached to a hook, and hangs it to the tree as the audience groans ] Shut up! Here’s looking atyou, Sammy. Merry Christmas, Dammit! Now, here’s an act for all the kids out there who I know want to swing this Christmas. Donny and Marie!
[ cut to Donny and Marie Osmond standing over the punch bowl ]
Marie Osmond: For the Osmonds, Christmas is a joyous time for the whole family to get together.
Donny Osmond: Yeah, Marie.. But things sure have changed since you got married.
Marie Osmond: Well, what about you, Donny? You’ve got a wife at home.
Donny Osmond: You’re right. I guess Christmas just won’t be the same this year. [ singing ] “I’ll have a blue Christmas without you..”
Marie Osmond: “I’ll be so blue thinking about you..”
Donny and Marie: [ moving closer together as they sing ] “Decorations of red, on a green Christmas tree.. won’t mean a thing, if you’re not here with me. I’ll have a blue Christmas, that’s certain.. And when the blue heartache..”
[ suddenly stop singing and begin to kiss passionately ]
Gumby: [ jumping in ] Donny and Marie! Hey, hey, hey, cut it out! Is this how you kids go Hawauiian? Give me a break here! [ steps away ] What would Christmas be like without the kids, huh? Hey, kids, want to hear Gumby tell you a Christmas story? Then gather around and keep your damn mouthes shut! Come on, it’s Christmastime. [ sits down and opens a book as the kids form a circle around him ] Here’s a little story, it’s called “The Night After Christmas”. “It was the day after Christmas, and the world was peaceful and calm. Santa Claus had been delivering toys all night. His back hurt him so. He was very tired. So he went to his kitchen and fixed himself a cup of Swiss Milk hot chocolate. Just then, an elf named Fred came up and said, ‘Excuse me, Saint Nick. Can I have a sip of your hot chocolate?’ Santa went crazy! He grabbed the elf and tore his lungs out.” The end! Merry Christmas, boys and girls. Did you like that?
Little Girl: You’re mean, Mr. Gumby! I was on Andy Williams’ Christmas show, and he was nice!
Gumby: Oh? You want Andy Williams? Well, here, let’s go! [ grabs Little Girl and walks her to the front door ] Andy is in Los Angeles – that’s about 800 miles. [ opens door and shoves her out ] Start walking! [ returns to his special ] About 20 minutes in the freezing cold, she’ll be begging to be on the Gumby special! But right now, ladies and gentlemen, keeping with the Christmas tradition – the King Family!
[ three men dressed like Don King step into the room to sing a carol ]
The King Family: [ singing ] “Jingle Bells. Jingle Bells. Jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to ride in one-horse open sleigh, hey!“
Gumby: The King Family! Unbelievable! Have some punch, boys. You know, I am honored to have on my Christmas special this next man. You see, there are very few people in this wonderful business that I am in that can be introduced by one name only. There is, of course, Sammy, Liza, Gumby.. and this man – the Chairman of the Board.. Francis Albert Sinatra!
Frank Sinatra: [ enters ] Gumby, Gumby, it’s an honor to be here. It’s marvelous. You’re wonderful, and it’s marvelous. I know you have many wonderful, marvelous friends in the world of animation. Now, they could not be here tonight, but I bring you the greetings in song.
[ starts singing ]
“Flintstones. Meet the Flintstones. They’re a hip, stone-age family. Hey, Barney, I’m talking Bedrock. When who knew from a Christmas tree. We’ll have a good time. A yabba-doobie-doo good time. We’ll have a gay.. it’s a groovy time! Wilma!”
Thank you so much.
[ singing ]
“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! It’s the Woody Woodpecker Song!
I’m laughing. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Pecker Song!”
Alright, alright.. cut the cartoon crap, it’s Christmastime here..
[ singing ]
“Silent night, holy night. It’s okay, everything’s bright.. ’round that virgin chick, she had a kid. Who grew up to be famous.. you all know what he did. Sleep! It’s quiet in heaven! Sleep! Heavenly peace.”
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Gumby: Thank you, Frank! It’s been so long! It’s been so long! [ hugs Frank ] Thank you, Francis! And thanks to all my guests – Donny and Marie! The King Family! And to everyone out there – a merry Christmas! And to my producer, my director, my manager, and my lawyer – Happy Hanukkah, boys! Good night! [ credits roll over quick zoom to rear of room to reveal Little Girl pressed against back window freezing in the cold ]
Host…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus Gwen Nyquist…..Mary Gross Val Dooley…..Robin Duke Dion Dion…..Eddie Murphy
Host: Good evening. Welcome to “Hairem Scarem”, the show where we learn firsthand, the horrifying hair-damaging experiences of everyday people. Tonight, our guests are Gwen Nyquist, Perm Victim; Val Dooley, unsuspecting target of Wig Scam; and Dion Dion, consultant representative from the Chateau de Toupee Hair Institute. Gwen, tell us about your experience.
Gwen Nyquist: Well, it was on the eve of my wedding day.. and I cut out a picture of Melissa Manchester, and I brought it to Vince at Marlowe’s House of Beauty, and I said “I want to look exactly like her.” So, Vince said, “You should have a perm, your hair’s too thin.” So, I believed him – it was Vince! So, Vince put the rods in, and then he says to me, “Coffee?” I said, “Sure. Double Double.”
Val Dooley: What’s “Double Double”?
Gwen Nyquist: Double cream and double sugar. So, Vince goes off, and I’m halfway through the Enquirer when I realize that four hours have gone by, and Vince isn’t back. Well, I did the puzzle.. and so, then a policemen comes in, and he says Vince has been mugged and won’t be able to take the rods out.
Host: So then what happened?
Gwen Nyquist: Well, I didn’t get married! Because of this! [ takes scarf off head to reveal bald patches between what remains of her hair ]
Host: Oh, my God! Was Vince prosecuted?!
Dion Dion: Well, you know, you really can’t blame Vince. Oftentimes, in many perm cases, you cannot remove the rods on time, due to uncontrollable circumstances and, sometimes, mugging. But on the other hand, I will admit that their are addresses in the business that are, what is known, as “scissor-happy.” In the world of hair, anything can happen.
Host: Well, do you have any advice for Gwen here on how she can live a normal life with this affliction?
Dion Dion: Oh, yes! I suggest that you come to the Chateau de Toupee. We will fit you in what we call a “transitional wig”, and, of course, we offer group sessions for other perm victims such as yourself.
Host: Well, that sounds very helpful. Thank you.
Val Dooley: What about me?
Host: Oh, yes.. I was coming to you. Uh.. Val Dooley, ladies and gentlemen. Victim of a “Wig Scam”. Val, what happened?
Val Dooley: Well, it wasn’t my wedding day, or anything like that.. but, I was at the mall, and I used to have hair down to my buttocks. It was just like Crystal Gayle..
Dion Dion: Oh, she has a head of hair!
Val Dooley: Anyway.. I was going up the escalator, and suddenly I feel something brush up against me. I just figured it was some guy from Voter Registration. And.. I.. I get to the top and I feel light-headed, and I look into the mirror, and somebody has just cut off my hair. It’s just gone. It’s just all gone. And a friend told me later that it happens a lot to Chinese girls. It’s just a scam, or something.. and, what they do is they cut off your ponytail and make it into a wig.
Host: Well.. are you at all Chinese?
Val Dooley: No! I don’t think so. But I do believe that there is a demand for my hair color!
Host: Well, what color was your hair?
Val Dooley: Well, it was very much like his. [ points to Dion ]
Host: Well, this is just an outrageous story! Mr. Dion, you are in the wig business. Perhaps you’ve heard of this?
Dion Dion: [ nervous ] No, no.. I’ve heard of this.. it is ashock to me..
Val Dooley: Well, that’s just not true, because the police told me that it happens all the time! I mean, who’s to say that the people that are selling you your wigs for your hair aren’t selling you hot hair?! I mean, who’s to say that that isn’t my hair sitting on top of your head?!
Host: [ reluctant ] Well, that’s all the time we have for today. Join us next week on “Hairem Scarem”, when our guest will be Vida Hosgrave, who lost her hair in a hunting accident, and Sonja Riddle, who shaved her hair for attention. Thank you, and good night.
[An organ plays “O Come All Ye Faithful” and continuesunder the entire sketch.]
Announcer V/O: [youthful, Southern accentedvoice] And now a special Christmas message from AprilMay June.
[Televangelist April May June, in jewels and white furcoat, walks to her podium in front of aflower-bedecked trellis and addresses the camera witha pronounced Southern drawl.]
April May June: Hello, friends. It’sChristmastime and that means more than a fur coat androastin’ nuts. It’s Jesus’ birthday! Do youknow the story of Jesus’ birth? Well, poor Mary washeavy with child and she and her husband Josephcouldn’t find room in any of the hotels so they founda barn with a star on top where Jesus was born.
And all the animals in the barn were very quiet whenthey saw the baby Jesus. And all the shepherdsfollowed the star and came to look at the sweet baby.And the three wise men came and gave the baby Jesusgold, frankincense and pork — to see if he wasJewish.
Baby Jesus was so sweet and good and didn’t cry allnight and keep his mommy up like some babies who neverlet their mommies sleep and then the mommiesget bags under their eyes and then they looklike hell in front of the camera the next day.[chuckles self-consciously as she recovers herpoise]
So, it was a nice and holy time for everyone,hallelujah. But, you know something? Somethingsurprises me. I wonder why Mary couldn’t get a room. Imean, after all, she’s carryin’ God’s child.What do you mean “No room at the inn”? Howcould the one and only Holy Family take no for ananswer? You don’t read in the Bible about Josepharguin’ with the man at the front desk for fifteenminutes about a room, do you? I mean, what was hedoin’? Where was his spine?! He just lethis wife have her baby in some nasty barn?! Youknow how men are! I mean, he was a carpenter!He coulda built her a house! What washe? Just along for the ride?! You know, I don’tthink Joseph ought to be a saint. Mary had the childof God and performed a whole host of other miracles,hallelujah. All Joseph did was get some aspirin namedafter him. Big deal!
Merry Christmas.
[Cheers and applause as we fade out on a smiling AprilMay June.]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 8: Episode 9 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 11th, 1982 Eddie Murphy Lionel Richie Harry Anderson Clint Smith Steve Martin Nick’s Substitute HostSummary: Eddie Murphy announces that planned host Nick nolte has taken ill, so he’ll take over the hosting duties instead. Transcript
Montage
Eddie Murphy’s MonologueSummary: Eddie Murphy performs stand-up about haunted houses and does his Stevie Wonder impression. Transcript
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 8: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 4th, 1982 Tom Smothers Dick Smothers Laura Branigan None Laurence K. Grossman The Tonight ShowRecurring Characters: Johnny Carson, Ed McMahon, Bill Cosby.
Ron Howard: Ladies and gentlemen – the incredible, the unbelievable, and, as his own mother once said: the almost inconceivable – Harry Anderson!
[ Harry Anderson takes the stage, carrying a trick bag and a collapsable chair. He opens the chair, sits the trick bag on the seat, and begins his routine. ]
Harry Anderson: [ reaches into his pocket, glances toward the audience ] How ya’ doing? Here’s one you’ll love. [ removes a piece of paper and a lighter from his pocket. He flicks the switch and sets the paper on fire, which rolls into a cigarette from behind the flames. The audience cheers and claps as Harry puts the cigarette in his mouth. ] This stuff’s dynamite. [ lights the cigarette, puffs, glances behind himself in a paranoid manner ] Huh? [ continues to smoke the cigarette, until the tip explodes ] This stuff is dynamite.
[ drops the cigarette and removes his jacket ]
I’m gonna show you a weird trick. It’s a geek trick – you all into geeks? You know about geeks? Geeks are the guys who work the midway of a circus, and they bite the heads off of chickens, and swallow live snakes, and eat ground glass – they’re party commando types, you know? [ rolls up the sleeve of his left arm ] So this is a trick – it’s a geek trick, so it’s weird and it’s kind of shocking. But it’s a trick. Yuo gotta keep that in mind – it’s a trick. It’s an illusion. Kind of like economic recovery. [ the audience laughs ] Yuo see it, but it ain’t there. It goes like this. I clean off my forearm. [ wipes his forearm with a handkerchief ] not the whole forearm, just the foreskin part. [ puts the handkerchief away and takes out a small anesthetic ] Employing a local anesthetic, for reasons which will become nakedly clear in a moment. Then, I take a very large and a very sharp hat pin. [ looks around ] Hat pin.. hat pin. [ glances up ] Oh. Of course. [ pulls an extremely long hat pin off of his hat ] I take this hat pin, and I will shove it through my arm. [ the audience laughs nervously ] But it’s a trick! It’s a trick. You know? I mean, if you had any idea what I’m getting paid for this, you would know I’m not going to shove the needle through my arm. [ audience laughs ] It’s a gag. [ demonstrates “gag” by shoving his finger down his throat ] A gag. [ sticks his finger down his throat again, then checks the level ] Boy, I’m low. [ removes a flask of alcohol from his pocket and prepares to swig it ] Like the geeks say, “When you swallow a snake, you gotta oil that sucker up, boy!” [ swigs from the flask ] Okay. [ takes a bigger swig ] The needle through the arm gag. A treat for you and your whole.. [ pauses for a small burp ] family.
Can I have mood lighting here? [ no change in lighting ] Thank you. Okay. [ flexes his left arm, hiding the part of his arm he’s going to stab from the audience ] Aaaaggghhhhh!! [ checks for a puncture ] That damn near did it. [ readies his arm anew, then screams as he moves the hat pin forward, obscured from the audience’s view. As far as the audience is concerned, Harry hasn’t shoved the hat pin through his arm at all. ] How’s it look from the cheap seats? Huh? Does it look like it’s going through my arm. [ the audience chuckles at what appears to be a hat pin shoved through Harry’s arm from behind ] It’s spooky, huh? No? Does it look better from this side? [ swings his arm around to reveal the long hat pin pierced across his forearm; the audience gasps and screams ] What a bunch of namby-pambies! What? It’s a trick! It’s an illusion. It looks like — [ glances at his arm ] Gee, that really looks like it, don’t it? But it’s a trick, see? It looks like the needle is going through my arm. Actually, it is not going through my arm. How about that?
[ Harry he begins to move the needle back and forth, as blood begins to trickle from the puncture wounds, causing the audience to scream in horror. Harry himself finally notices the blood dripping down his arm, and pulls his arm up in confusion. ]
What the hell is that?! [ touches the blood with one finger ] Wait a minute, wait a minute! Hold on, hold on! Hold on here, hold on, hold on. [ retrieves the book “101 Needle Gags” from his trick bag, and quickly flips through it ] Hold on, hold on, hold on! Blood. Wait a minute, wait a minute here. Blood. [ flips the pages ] “Bocce Ball”, hold on, hold on. [ flips a page ] “Baby Feet.” [ flips a page ] “Barnyward Animals.” [ flips a page ] Blood, blood, here it is! Blood! [ reads ] “Don’t panic. Apply direct pressure.” [ glances at the audience, points to one of them ] You! Get outta here! Go home, get a job, call your mom! [ shrugs his shoulders, then pokes his finger through the missing lens of his bifocals and continues to read from the book ] “If direct pressure gag doesn’t go over that well, then check the blood. See if it is phony blood made out of karo syrup and food coloring by tasting it.” [ scoops up a fingerful of the blood gushing from his arm, then hesitantly tastes it, making sure to get as much of it on his tongue as he can ] It’s good. It’s delicious. [ scoops up more of the blood and continues to feast upon it ] Yuo see, it’s phony blood. See, the needle — [ twists the hat pin back and forth again, as a woman screams ] Lady, it’s a trick! If your cat has kittens in the oven, you don’t call them biscuits, right? [ the audience laughs ] Why am I — ? I feel like I’m missing the entertainment potential of this thing. [ takes hold of the hat pin once more ] Would you like me to play “Melancholy Baby”? [ twists the hat pin back and forth as though playing the violin, causing the audience to scream louder ]
Okay, okay, enough of that! [ pulls the hat pin out of his arm ] But, so you don’t think I’m a total lunatic here – let me clean the phony blood from my arm — [ wipes the blood off his forearm with his handkerchief ] — and ask this brave lady here to check out my arm. [ approaches a woman near the front of the audience ] Get a good look at it. Feel it and check it out – baby’s bottom. Go ahead, no puncture wounds, right? [ the woman feels his forearm, impressed ] No damage done, right?
Woman in the Audience: It’s amazing.. it’s amazing..
Harry Anderson: Okay! That’s, uh — [ returns to the stage, as the audience applauds ] Since we’re on the geek stuff, what else do you guys like? What other tricks? I’ve got other tricks. What do you like? [ the audience yells suggestions ] Huh? Rabbit? Rabbit? Okay. [ digs around his trick bag for a rabbit ] I got a rabbit. [ pulls out a plush bunny and a huge spike, which he shoves through the plush bunny’s head ] I don’t think it’s clearly as dramatic — [ twists the plush bunny around the spike ] Good night!
Ron Howard: Thank you! I have really been looking forward to doing the show tonight, because I have spent my entire life.. in prime-time.. being repressed. But this – this is late-night. This is live! This is my time to fly! So what if it’s past my bedtime? I’m up! I’m finally gonna get to say some of the things, and do some of the things, that they’d never let me touch on prime-time televison. For example, here’s something they’d never let me say.. [ pulls index card from out of his pocket ] ..“Doo-doo”. Are we still on the air? Okay, here’s another one.. [ reads ] ..”Premarital Sex”. That’s right – Intercourse“. “Jock Itch”. [ looks at card ] Ah, yeah, here’s another good one: “Prophylactic”.
[ changes subject ]
Another thing, too.. [ pulls can of beer out of pocket ] I drank beer on “Happy Days”, but it was prime-time beer. It was fake beer! You all knew that, right? Well, let me tell you something.. [ pops open can ] ..this is the real stuff! [ chugs beer ] Yeah! [ drinks more ] Yeah, this show has been a real liberating experience! We’ll be right back!
…..Brad Hall …..Mary Gross Andy Rooney…..Joe Piscopo
[FADE IN on the “SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS” caption against the backdrop of the Manhattan skyline.]
Don Pardo: And now, “Saturday Night News,” with the Saturday Night News team… and anchorman Brad Hall.
[PAN over to Brad wearing dark-rimmed glasses at the news desk.]
Brad: Good evening, I’m Brad Hall. Our top story tonight:
[Monitor displays a photo of two gentlemen in suits standing at attention in front of a wall.]
Brad: President Reagan and Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Voeker were lined up and executed by a firing squad today for letting the unemployment rate zoom to 10.1 percent. [light applause]
Brad: And now, here with a very special news commentary on the unemployment crisis, is SNL news correspondent Mary Gross. [removes glasses] Mary?
[PAN over to Mary as the audience applauds.]
Mary: Thank you. You know, that 10.1% figure, translated into human terms, means that over eleven and a half million people are out of work in America. [smacks desktop] Boy, this unemployment thing really gets my dander up. [brushes off her shoulder] What’s even worse is that it’s the WRONG eleven and a half million people that are out of work. That’s right–now I’ve compiled a list of the RIGHT eleven and a half million people who SHOULD be out of work, and I’ll just read off as many as I can, ’cause it’s a big list. Okay, here we go.
[She pulls out a long computer printout with sprocket-feed borders.]
Mary: George Steinbrenner! Okay? [riotous cheers] Yeah! Yeah! All right! HE should be out of work! Get him out of work, and FAST, okay? Now, how about Sammy Davis’s jeweler, huh? Can we get him out of there? [applause] Okay? How about the kids who have played Annie? Any kid who’s ever played Annie! Let’s get ’em off the payroll! The Osmond Family! They should be unemployed. Yes, I think so, very quickly. As a matter of fact, all of your acting families: the Carradines, the Bottomses, the Bridges, the O’Neills. Eugene, Tatum, Tip! Outta here! [pounds desk] Get ’em out of here! These people should be unemployed, ladies and gentlemen. And I’m not finished! Geraldo Rivera! [applause] Huh? How about him? You know what his real name is? Jerry Rivers. He should be doing TAX work, that’s what he should be doing! How about Gary Collins and Mary Ann Mobley, huh? Why are they working, and Bert Parks isn’t? Boy, now I’m really mad. Can you see how mad I am? Are you ready for this one? Hey, you, Michael Landon: get off the house, out of the prairie, and onto the unemployment, okay, babe? All right? [laughter and applause] You heard me, kiddo. And Pia Zadora, need I say more? Where am I, where am I? Oh, yeah, Richard Thomas! Ruth Gordon, and all the new Dukes of Hazzard. Get outta here, you guys! You’re nuts! They make me mad. What about the guy who booked Kate Smith on the Emmys? Where IS that nut? Get him out of here! Or the Tampa Philharmonic. The guy who writes all those CAT books? Sidney Sheldon, you and your entire blood line, outta here! The crew of “The Love Boat”: put it in DRYDOCK, babe. [laughter and applause] Get out of here. You know who I wanna get? I want Wayne Newton’s tailor! Outta here! The Statler Brothers, Jerry Vale’s A&R man, the staff of the Knoxville World’s Fair–who cares? And any handsome businessman who gets into a cab and says, “Air France, please.” I want them out of work! The Kilgore Rangerettes, who the hell are they? Why are they working? And limo drivers who look like Al Pacino. Get outta here. Any chef who serves you a fish that still has a face on it, I hate that! The Rose Bowl float makers, and women who have their babies at home, and then PHOTOGRAPH it for us. They should all be unemployed, including their babies! I want the guy who puts those subscription cards in the magazines, and they fall in your lap when you try to open it. That drives me nuts! [applause] And I tell you who I want especially out of work! I want that nun I had in the sixth grade who falsely accused me of talking when I was just coughing! That woman should be unemployed! NOT the auto workers! Those guys need all the money–
[Brad finally claps Mary on the shoulder.]
Brad: Thank you, Mary. Thank you very much.
Mary: Oh, thank you, Brad.
[cheers and applause]
Brad: Back to the news. Would-be assassin John W. Hinckley has registered a complaint with the American Civil Liberties Union, saying that St. Elizabeth Hospital officials are reading his mail, restricting his telephone calls, limiting his visitors, and hampering with his access to the press. Hinckley summed up his grievances by saying, “This place treats me like a nut.” [snickers]
[Monitor shows a photo of young children standing in front of an airplane scaffold.]
Brad: This week, a total of 35 children of American fathers and Vietnamese mothers left Vietnam for new homes in the United States of America. The children were conceived during the Vietnam War, and at least 15 of them bear an uncanny resemblance to Bob Hope. [laughter and applause] Makes you think, doesn’t it?
[DISSOLVE to a photo of Spiro Agnew.]
Brad: Think about this. Former Vice-President Spiro “No Lo Contendere” Agnew was back in the news again this week, and no one can figure out why. Political analysts say that no matter what Mr. Agnew’s reasons are for resurfacing, it’s definitely bad news for America.
[DISSOLVE to Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin.]
Brad: In a surprise move today, Menachem Begin announced that he has found the long-sought-after home for the beleaguered Palestinian people.
[DISSOLVE to a photo of a typical suburban house.]
Brad: It is this three-bedroom, two-bath ranch style home in Palos Verdes, California. Begin was so pleased with his find, he has bought the home himself, and he’s willing to, uh, sell it to the Palestinians with a mortgage of only nine percent, which is five percent below the Prime. What a guy, huh?
[DISSOLVE to a grinning beauty pageant contestant.]
Brad: This pretty face belongs to Miss America 1983, Deborah Sue Moffitt, who recently revealed that a few years ago…
[DISSOLVE to a photo of a much more average-looking Moffitt with a baseball cap.]
Brad: …she looked like THIS, before her cosmetic surgery. In recent years, many public figures have admitted to having had similar surgery. Among them, former First Lady Betty Ford.
[DISSOLVE to Betty Ford.]
Brad: Shown here with her new face, and here, with her old face…
[DISSOLVE to an earlier photo of Mrs. Ford.]
Brad: …shortly before the surgery. Others include Chicago’s mayor Jane Byrne.
[DISSOLVE to Mayor Byrne.]
Brad: Here she is today…
[DISSOLVE to a retouched photo of Mayor Byrne with a sagging face.]
Brad: …and as she looked before her operation. And then there’s Carol Burnett.
[DISSOLVE to a smiling Carol Burnett.]
Brad: With her new chin here, and…
[DISSOLVE to an earlier photo of Carol Burnett.]
Brad: …here’s Carol without her new chin, sometime in the distant past.
[DISSOLVE to Barbra Streisand.]
Brad: Now, you probably didn’t know that Barbra Streisand actually had some surgery too. Well, she did.
[DISSOLVE to a photo of David Brenner.]
Brad: Here she is BEFORE the operation. [laughter, applause, hooting] Modern science is truly amazing, isn’t it?
[DISSOLVE to a young David Letterman cracking a grin.]
Brad: And then there’s our friend David Letterman.
Audience: [applauding] YEAH!
Brad: I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Well, he’s a pretty hip guy, how could he have work done on his face?” Well, think AGAIN.
[DISSOLVE to Alfred E. Newman of “Mad” magazine.]
Brad: You must admit it’s… [laughter and applause] It’s quite a difference. A fine job done there–you know, the fact is, they didn’t even TOUCH his teeth. Speaking of teeth…
[DISSOLVE to Jimmy Carter.]
Brad: Here’s former President Jimmy Carter. Yes, Jimmy Carter actually had cosmetic surgery before he entered the public eye.
[DISSOLVE to Louise Lasser of “Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman.”]
Brad: The old Carter smile, there… There it is. It’s absolutely indescructible.
[DISSOLVE to a photo of Interior Secretary James Watt.]
Brad: Now, two weeks ago, on the Saturday Night News, I made a phone call to this man, James Watt. I, I called him up right from this very news desk. At that time, I lost my temper with Mr. Watt, and I think I displayed little or no self-control at all. Although I do still disagree with absolutely every decision that the man has ever made in his entire life, I think that I owe him a public apology right here tonight. I behaved very badly. I… am a journalist. I had no right to call this man a slime. [glances over his shoulder at Watt] He’s not a slime…
[Brad chuckles and grins self-consciously for several seconds.]
Brad: [whispers] Excuse me just one moment.
[He stands from his chair and turns toward the monitor.]
[Brad swings and punches the screen right in Watt’s mouth. He rips a gaping black hole over most of his face. Clearing his throat, Brad returns to the desk and smiles victoriously over cheers of approval.]
Brad: Good. The man’s a slime. I’m glad I got that off my chest. You know, some people say… that the problem in the Middle East cannot be solved. But there’s one man who has a solution that he believes will bring peace to the Middle East. And he’s here with us now at the Saturday Night News desk, and his name is Andy Rooney. Andy?
[PAN over to Rooney hunched slightly over the desk.]
Andy: What’s all this fuss about the Middle East? Why the big deal? D’ya ever notice how sloppy they dress over there? Sadat always wore a suit. Whatever happened to the Nehru jacket? The nightly news won’t let us forget the Middle East. All you see is rubble from buildings. Some of those houses look like they were built by Fred Flintstone. Why can’t Begin and Arafat get together? What kind of a name is Yasser? Is that the opposite of “No, sir”? And Arafat’s hat: why does he insist on wearing a tablecloth from Pizza Hut? [laughter] He should either buy a better headpiece, or eat at better restaurants. And why do women from the Mideast cover their faces? You think they all have facial hair? I guess electrolysis is against Moslem law. D’ya ever notice the moles on Menachem Begin’s face?
Brad: Thank you, Andy.
Andy: And why is it called the Middle East?
Brad: Thanks very much.
Andy: Is it really in the middle?
Brad: Andy Rooney, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. [cheers and applause]
Well, that’s all the news for tonight. I’m Brad Hall for Saturday Night Live News. Good night.
Andy: And what about Iran, huh?
[PAN back and SUPERIMPOSE “SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS” over the entire sceen.]
Andy: Why can’t Iran and Iraq get together?
[FADE to black as Andy turns to Brad and continues whining.]
Air Date:
