Category: 1982

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 15

82o: Bruce Dern / Leon Redbone

Special Report

Ted Koppel…..Joe Piscopo
Buckwheat…..Eddie Murphy
Alfalfa…..Mary Gross

[ a broadcast of the “Donny & Marie” St. Patrick’s Day Special” is interrupted by a breaking news story ][ cue Ted Koppel reporting from the ABC newsroom ]

Ted Koppel: We have just received word that Buckwheat has been shot. Apparently, it happened just moments ago as the legendary performer was leaving 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York. He had just finished making an appearance on “Saturday Night Live”, and as he was leaving the building, he was shot by an unknown assailant, or assailants.. details are sketchy at this point. [ grabs earpiece ] Now, I understand that we now have a videotape of the shooting – let’s take a look.

[ videotape plays on monitor to Ted’s left ] [ Buckwheat and his entourage exit 30 Rockefeller Plaza amongst a myriad of fans ]

Autograph Seeker: Oh, Mr. Buckwheat, I so love your singing, could I have your autograph..?

Buckwheat: Thank you very much. No autographs, pease, pease.. [ to crowd ] I nub nou! I nub nou! [ stands just outside of his limo ]

Voice in the Crowd: Hey, Mr. Wheat!

Buckwheat: Yes.

[ suddenly, two shots ring out, as Buckwheat staggers and his bodyguards run into the startled crowd to tackle the mysterious assailant – cameras zoom back to see the limo peel away in a mad rush to the hospital. ] [ cut back to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: That was the scene just moments ago. To repeat:Buckwheat has been shot. We understand that he has been rushed to a nearby hospital, his condition unknown. We’ll bring you more details as the shocking tragedy develops.

[ cut to news graphic featuring still image of Buckwheat being shot ]

Announcer: The Shooting of Buckwheat: America Stunned. [ dissolve to Texxon graphic ] Brought to you by Texxon. Life goes on. And Texxon is there.

[ cut to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: For the benefit of those of you who have just joined us, Buckwheat has been shot. Let’s take a look.

[ cut back to footage of Buckwheat ]

Buckwheat: [ to crowd ] I nub nou! I nub nou!

Ted Koppel: Here he is, coming out of what appears to be 30 Rockefeller Plaza.. there he is. Now, the shots come right about.. here..

Voice in the Crowd: Hey, Mr. Wheat!

Buckwheat: Yes.

[ shots ring out ]

Ted Koppel: There they are. Now, I have just been told that Buckwheat has just arrived at St. Vincent’s Hospital. Let’s go there, live. [ monitor over Ted’s left shoulder shows the camera zooming through the crowded hall at St. Vincent’s Hospital ] Alright.. now, as you can see, several of Buckwheat’s friends are already there..

[ camera discovers fellow “Our Gang” alum, Alfalfa, talking to a woman in the hall ]

Alfalfa: I can’t believe it! I can’t believe theyshot him, it’s just terrible..!

Ted Koppel: [ interrupting ] Alfalfa, have you had a chance to see the actual footage of Buckwheat being shot?

Alfalfa: No, I haven’t!

Ted Koppell: Then, let’s take a look.

[ video footage plays once again ]

Voice in the Crowd: Hey, Mr. Wheat!

Buckwheat: Yes.

[ the shots ring out ]

Ted Koppel: Alfalfa, what are your feelings as you watch that?

Alfalfa: [ distressed ] Oh-h-h-h.. I’m hurt.. and confu-u-used.. and I don’t know what to say.. no comment! [ camera moves on ]

Ted Koppel: Alfalfa obviously stunned by this tragic turn of events. Alright, we’re going inside now.. [ camera focuses on doctors performing emergency surgery on Buckwheat ] Buckwheat, as you can see, going under the knife. Doctor, excuse me.. this is Ted Koppel. Have you had a chance to see the actual footage of Buckwheat as he was shot?

Doctor: [ looking up from surgery ] No. I haven’t.

Ted Koppel: Well, then, let’s take a look.

[ cut to video footage yet again ]

Ted Koppel: There he is, about to get into his limosine.. and, uh.. [ footage plays in slow-motion, as Buckwheat is shot ] ..at 30 Rock.. it speaks for itself… buckwheat being shot. To repeat: Buckwheat has been shot. He’s now in emergency surgery, and all we Americans can do is wait and worry.

[ cut to news graphic featuring still image of Buckwheat being shot ]

Announcer: Emergency Surgery: America Waits and Worries. [ dissolve to Texxon graphic ] Brought to you by Texxon. Life goes on. And Texxon is there.

[ cut to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppell: We have just.. we have just received some tragic news.. Buckwheat.. is dead.

[ cut to news graphic featuring still image of Buckwheat being shot ]

Announcer: Buckwheat Dead: America Mourns. [ dissolve to Texxongraphic ] Brought to you by Texxon. Life goes on. And Texxon is there. Because Buckwheat would have wanted it that way.

[ cut to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: For those of you, just joining us.. Buckwheat is dead. How did he die? Let’s take a look.
[ footage plays again ]

Buckwheat: I nub nou!

Ted Koppel: Alright, now.. as you can see – there it is.. [ shots ring out ] ..it looks like the shots came from Buckwheat’s left side.. there are the security men.. going right after the assailant, or assailants.. we’re not quite sure, as of yet. Who killed Buckwheat, and why? Good questions. We intend to be here tomorrow night, and every night, until those questions are answered. Until then, we pay a final tribute to a great performer.

[ a montage of Buckwheat moments throughout the years is shown, right up to the fatal assassination that just took place moments earlier ]

Ted Koppel: Buckwheat dead. This is Ted Koppell reporting. We now return you to our normal programming. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 15

82o: Bruce Dern / Leon Redbone

The Buckwheat Story

(Open on a stiill of Buckwheat on a gray background with Byron Allen’s face pasted onto his body. The background is decorated with miniature red NBC peacock logos, representing the 1982-83 network promo graphics. THE BUCKWHEAT STORY is shown on top and “Thursday 9:00/8:00 central” is on the bottom.)

Announcer V/O: Coming Thursday night at 9:00, The Buckwheat Story, a world premiere movie starring Byron Allen. Otay!

(Fade)

Submitted by: Kyleman88

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 15

82o: Bruce Dern / Leon Redbone

Buckwheat Jeans

Voice…..Mary Gross
Buckwheat…..Eddie Murphy

[FADE IN on a man’s sneakers and pantlegs, then pan up along his body. He is whistling the theme to “Our Gang” off-key.]

Voice: [off camera] Calvin Klein? Mm-mm.

Jordache? Mm-mm.

Sassoon? Mm-mm.

[SHOW Eddie Murphy in suspenders and Buckwheat wig as he stops whistling.]

Buckwheat: Buh-wheet? Yes! [grins] [Eddie stands up, bends over away from the camera, and displays his butt.]

Voice: Buckwheat Jeans!

Buckwheat: Otay!

[Buckwheat peers past his leg and signals “ok” with his right hand. ZOOM IN on the word “OTAY” printed in white above his left back pocket. FADE OUT.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 16


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 19th, 1983

Robert Guillaume

Duran Duran

None

None
Buckwheat DeadSummary: Ted Koppel (Joe Piscopo) profiles the life of Buckwheat’s (Eddie Murphy) assassin, John David Stutts (Eddie Murphy).

Recurring Characters: Ted Kopel, Buckwheat.

Transcript

Montage

Robert Guillaume’s Monologue

Clysler-Prymouth FloormatsRecurring Characters: Lee Iacocca.

Old South Slave Songs

Heil Hits

The Mrs. T Birthday SpecialRecurring Characters: Mrs. T, Mr. T, Steve Lawrence.

I Married A MonkeyRecurring Characters: Tim.

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Patti Lynn Hunnsacker.

Duran Duran performs “Hungry Like The Wolf”

Oil Is Us

Solomon’s NephewRecurring Characters: Solomon, Pudge.

Duran Duran performs “Girls on Film”

Wrong Number Breakup

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 16

82p: Robert Guillaume / Duran Duran

Buckwheat Dead

Buckwheat…..Eddie Murphy
John David Stutts…..Eddie Murphy
Ted Koppel…..Joe Piscopo

[FADE IN on footage from the previous week of Eddie Murphy as Buckwheat being shot.]

Announcer: Buckwheat dead: America mourns.

[CUT to blue logo of the words “Mutual Life.”]

Announcer: Brought to you by Mutual Life: because you could die tomorrow.

[Show caption on screen, then CUT to Joe Piscopo as Ted Koppel.]

Ted Koppel: Good evening, I’m Ted Koppel. Surely everyone knows by now that Buckwheat is dead. But for those of you who have not seen the videotape of Buckwheat being shot, let’s take a look.

[CUT to the footage from the previous week of Buckwhat in front of his limo.]

Buckwheat: I nub nou! I nub nou! [grins and waves]

Voice: Hey. Mr. Wheat?

Buckwheat: Yes?

[Shots ring out, Buckwheat looks bewildered, and he slumps against the limo.]

[CUT to a long shot of a huge army in a military parade.]

Ted Koppel: Buckwheat was buried today, and the entire world mourns.

[CUT to a cannon being fired, and then CUT to footage of Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford and Henry Kissinger stepping off a plane and standing formally.]

Ted Koppel: World leaders gathered to offer a final tribute.

[CUT to soldiers goosestepping as the “Funeral March” plays in the background. CUT to shots of dignitaries at a funeral, and then to a closeup of Nancy Reagan and another of Princess Diana, who is dressed in a mourning veil. The music switches from the “Funeral March” to a few notes from the “Our Gang” theme. CUT to a royal guard with tears streaming down his face, then to a crowd of people holding a huge candlelight vigil.]

Ted Koppel: We now join millions of mourners around the world in observing a moment of silence.

[There is a bare second of silence, and then the news theme breaks back in, with the words “BUCKWHEAT: THE MOMENT OF SILENCE.”]

Announcer: This moment of silence is brought to you by Mutual Life.

[SUPERIMPOSE blue logo of the words “Mutual Life” over people lighting candles.]

Announcer: Because you could die tomorrow.

[Show caption on screen, then CUT to Ted Koppel in the studio.]

Ted Koppel: Police have now identified Buckwheat’s assaliant.

[A photo of Eddie Murphy wearing a gray sweater and sitting blankly on a couch is projected on the screen.]

Ted Koppel: He is this man, 27-year-old John David Stutts, described by those who now him as “a loner.” We understand that Stutts is now being taken to criminal court for arraignment. Let’s go there live.

[CUT to Eddie Murphy as Stutts, who is being led in handcuffs down a hallway. He is escorted by cops and attorneys while reporters aim microhpones at him.]

John David Stutts: [in a dreamy voice] Hello, it’s good to see you all. [to camera] Hi, I killed Buckwheat. And I have a question for the American public. When you dream, do you dream in color, or black and white? ‘Cause I dream in black and white. [giggles] And last evening, I had a dream about lime Jello. I didn’t know what flavor it was because it was gray. Then I tasted it, and then I realized it was lime. Definitely lime.

Reporter: Mr. Stutts, did you kill Buckwheat?

John David Stutts: Sure.

Reporter: Did you realize what would happen to you?

John David Stutts: I don’t care, sir.

Reporter: Why’d you kill him, Mr. Stutts?

John David Stutts: Well, I had to kill him. My dog told me he was the Antichrist.

[Eddie passes a bare inch in front of the TV camera. PAN down him walking away down the hall as reporters squint and point their microphones toward him.]

John David Stutts: His name’s Petey, he’s a Dalmatian.

Reporter: Dalmatian? What kind of Dalmatian?

John David Stutts: I named him after the dog on the “Our Gang” follies. His name was Petey.

[CUT back to Joe Piscopo as Koppel]

Ted Koppel: In just a moment, John David Stutts will face arraignment on charges of murder. Why did Stutts do it? We’ve asked noted criminal psychiatrist Dr. Irwin Fletcher for his expert opinion.

[An older gentleman appears on the large “ABC NIGHTLINE” screen.]

Ted Koppel: Welcome, doctor. What makes a man like John David Stutts commit such a crime?

Fletcher: Publicity. In the deranged mind of the killer, he truly believes that, if he kills someone famous, he’ll become famous himself. [scoldingly] And, unfortunately, certain irresponsible members of the media are only too eager to turn these assassins into instant celebrities.

Ted Koppel: [nonplussed] Thank you, doctor. [turns to camera] Let’s take a look at the man who killed Buckwheat: John David Stutts.

[CUT to the still photo of Stutts gazing dully from the couch.]

Announcer: John David Stutts: The Man Behind the Gun.

[SHOW caption of those words, then logo of the words “Mutual Life.”]

Announcer: Brought to you by Mutual Life: because you could die tomorrow.

[FADE to black, then FADE IN on a photo of a white one-story house.]

Ted Koppel: [off camera] John David Stutts spent his childhood here in this modest home in Lima, Ohio.

[CUT to photo of Stutts sitting on his couch again. Photos of the “Our Gang” cast and a photo of Buckwheat from “SNL” are seen on the wall.]

Ted Koppel: Everyone who knew him called him a loner: a quiet young man.

[CUT to photo of a simple church.]

Ted Koppel: Stutts attended Sunday School at the Mercy Seat Baptist Church.

[A black minister sits at a desk with a Roman collar.]

Minister: He was a loner, and a quiet young man. He attended church, and Sunday School. I remember he was always very polite.

Ted Koppel: Do you believe he killed Buckwheat?

Minister: Oh, yes. Definitely. That’s all he talked about.

[CUT to the exterior of a brick school building.]

Ted Koppel: John David Stutts graduated from Unionville High School.

[CUT to a yearbook photo showing Stutts sitting alone at a desk. The caption above the photo reads, “THE LONER.”]

Ted Koppel: His classmates called him “the loner.”

[CUT to a photo of Eddie Murphy’s face pasted over some white guy’s face in a group shot from a yearbook.]

Ted Koppel: Stutts was a member of the Key Club…

[CUT to a similar photo of a smaller group.]

Ted Koppel: The Audio-Visual Squad…

[CUT to Stutts holding a rifle in front of a blackboard.]

Ted Koppel: And president of the Future Assassins of America.

[CUT to a formal yearbook photo of Stutts gazing dully into space. The caption below reads: “John David Stutts, Most Likely to Kill Buckwheat.”]

Ted Koppel: It’s no wonder that his classmates chose him, “Most Likely to Kill Buckwheat.”

[CUT to a middle-aged, mustached man in a blue windbreaker standing in front of gas pumps.]

Gas Station Attendant: [in New England accent] Sure, I remember Stutts. He was a loner, but a real hard worker. I mean, he pumped the gas, he checked the oil, he washed the windows. Nice kid.

Ted Koppel: Do you believe he killed Buckwheat?

Man: Oh, yes, definitely. That’s all he talked about. I remember one day I says, uh, “Stutts, why are you working so hard?” He says, “’Cause I’m saving up to buy a gun, so I can kill Buckwheat.” [shrugs]

[CUT to a tailor hemming the cuffs on a pair of slacks.]

Tailor: John was a quiet boy, a kind of a loner. But real polite. He always stood still when I hemmed his cuffs. Nice kid.

Ted Koppel: Do you believe he killed Buckwheat?

Tailor: Oh, yes, definitely. That’s all he ever talked about. Why, just the other day, he comes in and he says, “Saul, make me a new suit. I’m going to kill Buckwheat, and I want to look good on television.”

[CUT to the still photo of Stutts gazing dully from the couch.]

Announcer: John David Stutts: The Man Behind the Gun.

[SHOW caption of those words, then logo of the words “Mutual Life.”]

Announcer: Brought to you by Mutual Life: because you could die tomorrow.

Ted Koppel: [in studio] We have just learned that John David Stutts has been arraigned and is being returned to his jail cell. Let’s go there right now, live.

[CUT to Stutts being led back down the hallway as before. A cop ahead of him motions for reporters not to ask any questions.]

John David Stutts: Oh, the reporters are back! Hello. Good to see everyone who came back. Hello, it’s good to see you all. Hello.

[Stutts is led around a corner]

Voice: Stutts!

[A second later, a man in a trenchcoat and a fedora reaches out with a pistol, a la Jack Ruby, and shoots Stutts in the stomach. Reporters scream as Stutts and another reporter go down.]

John David Stutts: Ooooouuuch! I’m shot!

Ted Koppel: [in studio] There you have it! John David Stutts, accused assassin of Buckwheat, has been shot right here before your eyes!

[CUT to footage of Stutts being shot.]

Announcer: The shooting of John David Stutts.

[SHOW caption of those words, then logo of the words “Mutual Life.”]

Announcer: Brought to you LIVE by Mutual Life: because you could die tomorrow.

Ted Koppel: For those of you who missed it, John David Stutts, accused killer of Buckwheat, has been shot live on this program! Now, let’s take another look.

[CUT to Stutts being led back down the hallway as before.]

John David Stutts: Hello. Good to see everyone who came back. Hello. It’s good to see you all. Hello.

Ted Koppel: He’s coming through… the shots come right about here.

[Stutts is shot.]

John David Stutts: Ooooouuuch! I’m shot!

Ted Koppel: [in studio] I’ve just been told that John David Stutts is dead!

[CUT to footage of Stutts being shot.]

Announcer: The death of John David Stutts has been brought to you LIVE by Mutual Life:

[SHOW caption of those words, then logo of the words “Mutual Life.”]

Announcer: Because you could die tomorrow.

[SHOW words, “Just like John David Stutts.”]

Announcer: Just like John David Stutts.

Ted Koppel: [in studio] John David Stutts lies dead. How did he die? Let’s take a look.

[CUT to Stutts being led back down the hallway and getting shot.]

Ted Koppel: And there are the shots.

John David Stutts: Ooooouuuch! I’m shot!

Ted Koppel: And so two famous men lie dead: Buckwheat and John David Stutts. We’ll be here tomorrow night and every night for as long as this senseless killing continues. This is Ted Koppel. Good night.

[FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 17


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 9th, 1983

Joan Rivers

Musical Youth

None

David Susskind

Clint Smith
The Whiners At SNLSummary: Would-be audience members Doug (Joe Piscopo) and Wendy Whiner (Robin Duke) arrive late for tonight’s broadcast of “Saturday Night Live.”

Recurring Characters: Doug Whiner, Wendy Whiner.

Montage

Joan Rivers’ Monologue

The David Susskind ShowRecurring Characters: Buckwheat.

The EnquirerRecurring Characters: Alfalfa.

Dueling JoansRecurring Characters: Joan Rivers.

Oscar Statuettes

Calvin Klein Industrial Strength JeansRecurring Characters: Elizabeth Taylor.

Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer, James Watt.

Celebrities in 2040Summary: In the year 2040, Joan Rivers and Eddie Murphy run into one another while residing in the same nursing home.

Musical Youth performs “Pass the Dutchie”

Club DoolittleNote: Joe Piscopo provokes Eddie Murphy into breaking character by throwing cake at him from off-screen.

Transcript

Joan Rivers Standup

Caribbean Gynocologist

Musical Youth performs “Never Gonna Give You Up”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 17

82q: Joan Rivers / Musical Youth

Club Doolittle

E. Eppy Doolittle…..Eddie Murphy
Janine Dafur…..Robin Duke
Guy in bed…..Joe Piscopo

[Opens with a smoky nightclub, some notes from a keyboard are playing. People at the tables. The owner is E.Eppy Doolitle. He talks slow and comes up from behind the bar. He has his fly open and his shirt pokes through it]

E. Eppy Doolittle: Hello, friends. I’m E. Eppy Doolittle and I want to invite you all to come to my beautiful Club Doolittle. Located at 7094 Jericho turnpike [Caption: Club Doolittle open 7 nights a week] at the beautiful cellar of the First National Bank Building. At Club Doolittle, you will enjoy all our culinary arts of our chef, Mr. E. Clinton Smith. [a black guy with a chef hat appears holding a burnt chicken on a plate] Who will prepare our specialty of Mason Doolittle, our very own, Char Chicken Jerky. Yum-yum. Come to the Cafe Doolittle [picture of two girls on a slide] where on Thursday nights there are two, two, two girls for every guy. Come one and all. This is Eppy talking. I will not steer you wrong. Come one and all on Tuesday nights at Club Doolittle. All you healthy guys will want to come on down and take a gander [Caption: No socks required at Club Doolittle] at Janine Dafur on the Casio Tone Keyboards.

[Janine looks like a beat up working gal, she plays the keyboards with a cigarette dangling from her lip. Eppy lifts the tip glass]

E.Eppy Doolittle: Tip but do not touch. She’s a beautiful girl, guys. So please, this is Eppy talking to you, I mean this, do not hurt her. She will play all your favorites if you treat her right. So come on down to Club Doolittle!

[Eppy points, Janine points half-hearted. Eppy goes to a table]

E.Eppy Doolittle: At Club Doolittle we also deliver to our special costumers free pastry for breakfast for no extra charge. [Eppy grabs a pastry from a table] Yummy-yum.

[He goes into a room and there’s a guy in bed in his underwear with two half naked girls] [Caption: Wednesday night is bimbo night]

E.Eppy Doolittle: See what I mean about two, two, two girls for every guy? This guy picked up these two blond bombshells here at Club Doolittle. [Caption: Call Ep 1-8000] [The girls smear frosting on the nose of the guy in bed. Piscopo grabs some frosting and smears Eddie’s face with frosting, Piscopo cracks up]

E.Eppy Doolittle: [continues] Need I say more? So come on down, I’m talking reservations. Me, E. Eppy Doolittle. Excuse me.

[Piscopo grabs Eddie’s hand, Eddie pulls away and walks out the room. Telephone rings]

E.Eppy Doolittle: Oh, the telephone. Hello, Phil. Its Phil Silvers, ladies and gentlemen. When did you get into town? Oh, I can’t tonight, Phil. There’s not a table in the house. Its a madhouse. Call me on Thursday when there’s two, two, two girls for every guy. Boy, you don’t have to take that attitude. What did you expect? You should’ve booked in advance. [hangs up] That was Phil Silvers. We go back a long way. But there isn’t a table in the house, ladies and gentlemen. The place is packed. So come on down to Club Doolittle.

[Cake is thrown at him]

E.Eppy Doolittle: Charter a bus, grab a cab, hop on a bombshell. Get in anywhere you can.

[More cake and crap fly over his head]

E.Eppy Doolittle: The Club—

[more cake hits him, Eddie is cracking up and dodging stuff thrown at him]

E.Eppy Doolittle: Cut, cut. The Club Doolittle– [still of a couple getting cash from an ATM, Eddie can’t even talk] located at 7094 at the Jericho turnpike at the First National Bank Building which features a 24-hour cash machine, so get your cash, we don’t take credit cards at the Club Doolittle.

[More cake hits Eddie, Eddie throws cake back and he breaks character completely]

E.Eppy Doolittle: THIS IS LIVE TELEVISION!! [everyone is cracking up including Eddie] This show is live!! So, come on down to the Club Doolittle! There’s freelance limbo dancing and on Saturday nude women get in free. [more cake flies by, telephone rings] Hello, Bill. It’s Bill Bixby ladies and gentlemen. [Eddie ducks out of camera dodging more cake] Its a madhouse! Well, you should’ve booked in advance. This is E. Eppy Doolittle talking. [Eddie looks at someone off camera and opens his mouth for a treat. The treat is thrown and it bounces off Eddie’s face] It’s a madhouse! Well, you should’ve booked in advance. [hangs up] This is E.Eppy Doolittle.

[Someone throws a towel at Eddie, Eddie grabs it and runs out supposedly after Joe Piscopo] [Cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 18


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 16th, 1983

Susan Saint James

Michael McDonald

Steven Wright

None
The Exercises of LoveRecurring Characters: Velvet Jones.

Montage

Susan Saint James’ Monologue

Sit On It!

Tootsie Cosmetics

TexxonNote: Repeat from 02/26/83.

The Hidden Paradise

Michael McDonald performs “If That’s What It Takes”

Saturday Night News with Brad Hall

Our GenerationTranscript

Steven Wright Stand-Up

Takin’ Care Of Business

Reagan and Deng XiaopingRecurring Characters: Ronald Reagan.

Eddie Murphy Kills Time

Michael McDonald performs “I Can’t Let Go Now”

Magic Fish NegotiationsSummary: Susan St. James reads her son a bedtime story about a peasant (Eddie Murphy) who catches a magic fish (Mary Gross) and hires lawyers (Tim Kazurinsky, Brad Hall) to protect his interests.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 18

82r: Susan St. James / Michael McDonald

Our Generation

Mother…..Susan Saint James
Eugene Beakman…..Gary Kroeger
Father…..Joe Piscopo
Buddy…..Brad Hall
Leslie…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Lottery Spokesman…..Tim Kazurinsky

[Eugene is lounging in a chair in a living room, bored and listless]

Mother: Eugene, why don’t you go out and look for a job today?

Eugene: Nah. I don’t feel like doing much of anything.

Mother: Well, then, why don’t you go clean up your room?

Eugene: Nah.

Mother: Eugene, would like to sell your mother’s jewelry and buy yourself an expensive sports car?

Eugene: Nah.

Mother: Then do nothing, you good-for-nothing bum! All you ever do is sit around the house all day. You’re no son of mine. Look at your brother Frank: he’s twenty-nine years old and he has his own law firm. You’re twenty-six year old and you’re still living at home. It’s time for you to move out!

Eugene: Nah.

Father: Eunice, where’s the morning paper?

Mother: Look at your son, Harvey. He’s a good-for-nothing bum. He just sits around the house all day.

Father: Oh, hey, hey, hey. What’s the matter, sport? How’d you like to go outside and play some ball with the old man, huh?

Eugene: Nah.

Father: Well, you wanna go upstairs and help me put in the screen windows? I need some help, you know.

Eugene: Nah.

Father: I know; I know what you’d like. How’d you like a thousand dollars to go out and buy the best darn drum set around, huh? Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Eugene: Nah.

Father: Well, you go straight to Hell, you little bum. Your mother’s right; you’re nothing but a bum. Why can’t you be more like your sister? She’s half your age and already a Rhodes Scholar at Oxford. Why don’t you just go crawl in a hole and die somewhere?

Eugene: Nah.

[Doorbell rings. Mother lets in Buddy and Leslie]

Mother: Hi.

Buddy: Hi, Ms. Beakman. Is Eugie here? Oh, hey, Eugie, how you doin’, man? You wanna go out and have some fun with your buddy?

Eugene: Nah.

Buddy: Well uh, Les and I are gonna go to the Cubs game. We got an extra ticket; how ‘bout it? Huh?

Eugene: Nah.

Leslie: Awe, come on, Eugie. I’ll make non-stop love to you in the car on the way.

Eugene: Nah.

Leslie: Aw, you can go to Hell, Eugie.

Buddy: Yeah, Eugie, you’re a good-for-nothing. You’re a human waste.

Leslie: Why don’t you just go suck an egg?

Eugene: Nah.

Leslie: I’m getting out of here, Eugie.

Buddy: Yeah, me too. See ya.

[Lottery Spokesman is at door when they open it to leave]

Lottery Spokesman: Is this the home of Mr. Eugene Beakman?

Leslie: Oh, yeah, he’s right over there.

Lottery Spokesman: Well, Mr. Beakman, you are the winner of the Sunset House Golden 50th Anniversary Sweepstakes. You’ve just won one million dollars! That’s a thousand dollars a year for the rest of your life, every year.

Buddy: Oh my God! Eugie, way to go, buddy!

Leslie: Eugie, that is…

Lottery Spokesman: You will never have to work another day in your life. All you have to do is sign here.

Eugene: Nah.

Lottery Spokesman: Well, I need your signature to verify that you’ve won.

Eugene: Nah.

Lottery Spokesman: If you don’t sign this, I can’t give you the money.

Eugene: Nah.

Buddy: Come on, Eugie, get it together. Come on, man!

Lottery Spokesman: Oh, Mr. Beakman, don’t be an idiot! This is – this is a million dollars! You’ll never have to work another day in your life!

Eugene: [pauses for thought] Nah.

Lottery Spokesman: You’re the luckiest man alive! You’ve won…

Buddy: Come on, Eugie, get it together, man!

Leslie: Come on, wake up, Eugie.

Eugene: Nah.

Buddy: Eugie!

Leslie: Eugie!

Lottery Spokesman: Mr. Beakman!

[Eugene starts to exit]

Father: Eugene, come to your senses, son. What are you doin’?

Mother: Eugene, where are you going?

Eugene: Mmm. Thought I’d go upstairs… diddle with my fiddle.

Submitted by: Melissa Snyder

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 9

82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

Kensington Dance Theatre For The Blind

Husband…..Joe Piscopo
Wife…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Lead Dancer…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on Husband and Wife entering auditorium ]

Husband: I wish I knew what this recital was all about..

Wife: Forget about it. We subscribe, we know they’ve got something good.

Husband: Well, at least we made it, huh?

Wife: Yeah.

[ they sit, as a ballet begins ]

Husband: [ disgusted ] Oh, God.. modern dance.

Wife: Sshh! It’s ballet!

[ the dancers perform very badly, seemingly blind ]

Husband: [ confused ] What the hell is this?! honey, let me see your program for a sec.. [ looks at program ] The Dance Theatre For The Blind??!!

Wife: Honey, please, come on..

[ more awkwardly dancing takes place ]

Husband: Honey, thjis is crazy! We’ve either got to stop this or leave, come on!

Wife: [ enjoying herself ] I like it, it’s interesting! Maybe they’re deaf, too!

[ ballet dancer spins too rough, colliding into an unperturbed audience ]

Husband: [ outraged ] Alright, look! Could we hold it just a second, please? Stop! Stop the music! Could we have your attention! [ music stops ] Uh.. I know you here, the Kensington Dance Theatre For the Blind were kind enough to come here to perform for our community hall.. but we weren’t quite prepared for this. and I think we should just kind of call it a night and go home, okay? Thank you, it was a valient effort! Thank you.

Lead Dancer: [ steps forward ] What?!

Husband: I beg your pardon?

Lead Dancer: What’s the matter, you don’t like the dance?

Husband: No! You know what, I’m a real avid fan of all kinds of dance, but I think what you’re doing is kind of getting out of hand, I’m sure you understand.

Lead Dancer: No, I don’t uderstand, man. We’re a legitimate dance troupe, man, and we’ve been engaged to play your hall, so what’s the problem?

Husband: Well.. I don’t know exactly how to say this.. but, truthfully and honestly, the fact of the matter is.. you people are blind! I think it’s ridiculous – blind dancers. I’m sorry!

Lead Dancer: We ain’t blind!

Husband: Well, you’re the Kensington Dance Theatre For the Blind. Are you not?

Lead Dancer: That’s For the Blind. We’re a dance troupe that performs for blind people. We’re not blind! [ points to the audience ] These people are!

Husband: Oh. Oh..

Lead Dancer: Yeah. And these people enojy what we’re doing. Isn’t that right! [ blind audience cheers, waving their canes in the air ] So, why don’t you sit down and enjoy yourself, and let us finish dancing, okay?

Husband: I’m really very sorry.. I had no idea at all.. but I gotta tell you: you people are terrible!

Lead Dancer: Don’t spoil it for the others.

[ the ballet continues, as Husband returns quietly to his seat ] [ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts