Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 11
Justine Bateman: Well, was that a great show or what! Thank you for watching, I had a great time! Come back next week! Good night, everybody!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 11
Derek Stevens in Love
Derek Stevens…..Dana Carvey
[FADE IN on a tastefully decorated living room. Derek enters from the left and talks into a red “trimline” telephone.]
Derek: [in a heavy British accent] Hello, Michael? Michael, it’s me, Derek! Yes, Derek Stevens! That’s right! Well, I know ya haven’t heard from me in five years, but I’ve called to tell you that I’ve gotten over th’ block! Yes, I’m writing again, in fact, I can’t stop at all! I’m turnin’ out tune after tune, it’s fabulous! Well, y’know, they’re pretty much ballads, but… [pauses] Y’know, what it is, is, I’ve met this girl, y’know, and I think I’m in love with her. Wait–Michael, can you hear this? Hold on a second.[Derek quickly puts the phone and receiver on top of an upright piano. He sits down and starts playing power ballad chords.]
Derek: [ singing ]She stops me,
She moves me,
She scorns me and approves me,
She’s my little baby,
She’s my little BABY,
SHE’S MY LITTLE BABY… “
Derek: I mean, what d’ya think, Michael, I mean, it’s fabulous, right? Right, it’s a bigger hit than “Choppin’ Broccoli” ever was! [pauses] Yes, and I’ve got lots more just like that! All right! We’ll talk! We’ll talk![He starts playing another chord.]
Derek: [singing] “We’re gonna talk! We’re goin’ to talk…”[ENTER his girlfriend, looking frazzled and cradling a green mug in her hands.]
Derek: [into phone] Ciao, baby! [hangs up and turns to her] Good morning, love.
Girlfriend: Good morning–Derek, before we go any further, get away from the piano.
Girlfriend: Come, sit somewhere else–[Derek rushes over and sits down right next to her, almost on her lap.]
Girlfriend: Don’t, no, no, NO! NOT on top of me–BACK, over there, somewhere, somewhere. Sit.[She pushes him away, and he plops down in a canvas chair.]
Girlfriend: Derek? I want you to move out. It’s not working.
Derek: Oh, but it IS working. In two weeks I’ve known you, I’ve written over 139 songs.[soft laughter]
Girlfriend: I know, I know, I know, I know. [stands up] Get out.
Derek: But I CAN’T get out, there’s a giant chemistry here. It’s like a humongous, monstrous, out-of-control vibe! Can’t you feel it? Remember last night when walked into the kitchen and threw that entire set of dishes at me? D’you remember that?
Girlfriend: I apologize.
Derek: No! DON’T apologize, just listen, listen![He turns back to the piano and starts playing again as she looks strung out.]
Derek: [ singing ]“She comes in unexpected,
And I stand unprotected,
And it comes flyin’ at me.
Her love comes FA-LY-IN’ at meeeee.
She’s my little baby,
She’s my little BABY,
She my little baby, hey, heyyyyy!”
Derek: [turns back to her] Don’t you see? You are MAGIC! You’re magic–you’re my Muse! Don’t you understand? I mean, every millenium, the gods open a porthole in the heavens, and a Muse descends to help out a mortal. Did you ever see the movie “Xanadu”?
Girlfriend: [looks clueless] My cable must have been out.
Derek: Well, in this film, Olivia Newton-John is sent by the gods to earth to help Gene Kelly open a roller rink. Don’t ya see? You’re sent to help my career get back on track!
Girlfriend: No, no, look, I had no idea who you were–I’ve never heard your records! A FRIEND told me you used to be Derek Stevens.
Derek: [gravely] Because of you, I’m going to live to be thirty.
Girlfriend: [stands up] Oh, please, I can’t accept that responsibility. Listen–Derek, listen to me, there’s something I have to say. It–this isn’t love. This is over. Okay? And you’re going to have to go on your way.
Derek: “You’re going to have to go on your way.”
Derek: “You–you–you’re going to have to go on your way.”
Derek: [steps toward piano] “You’re going to have to go on your way.”
Derek: [ singing ]“I listened to my lover,
There was nothing more to say.
‘This is a love that’s over,
And you have to go away.'”
“Then she ran her ivory fingers
Through her flowing sable hair.”
“And then she turned her back on me
As if I wasn’t there.
She’s my little baby,
She’s my little BAAA-BY,
She’s my little BAAA-BY…”
Derek: [turns back to her] Look at you! Look–we–I mean, you don’t even know you’re doin’ it, do you? I mean, inspiration goes through you, goes into my head, and the music just bloody pours right out o’ me!
Girlfriend: I know. And you get it on EVERYTHING. Derek, hear this: I’m going for a walk, and when I come back, you won’t be here.
Derek: You’re going for a walk… “And when I come back, you won’t be here.” I’ll be gone.
Derek: [turns back to piano] Gone.
Derek: Gone.[He starts playing more chops.]
Girlfriend: [covering her ears] Ohhh!
Derek: “She’s picking up her coat and purse…”[She slams the door behind her on the way out.]
Derek: “And now she’s in the hall…”[sound of breaking glass]
“From the noise, she must have broken
Something on the wall.”
Derek: “She’s on the sidewalk now,
She crossed the street…”
Girlfriend: [screaming from below] SHUT UUUUUUUUP!!!!!
Derek: “She says, ‘Shut up.'”[He plays a few more “chopsticks” chords and keeps peering out the window.]
“She’s movin’ through the street,
With her tiny feet,
She’s getting smaller now,
She’s getting really smalllllll…”
“She’s getting very tiny,
She’s my tiny babyyy…
She’s my little baby,
She’s my little tiny babyyy.
She’s getting tiny,
She turned the corner!”
Derek: Oh, my God. I’m blocked.[PAN back slowly over applause, then FADE to the Saturday Night Live Band.]
Submitted by: Sean
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 11
Republican Debate ’88
Pat Schroeder…..Nora Dunn
George Bush…..Dana Carvey
Bob Dole…..Dan Aykroyd
Jack Kemp…..Phil Hartman
Pat Robertson…..Al Franken
Pete Dupont…..Kevin Nealon
Announcer: Live, from the Old Curmudgeon Auditorium in Nashua, New Hampshire, it’s the.. oh, boy.. 53rd debate of the 1988 Republican Presidential candidates, sponsored tonight by the Disabled Yachtsmen of Portsland. And now, here’s your moderator, Colorado congresswoman Pat Schroeder.
Pat Schroeder: Thank you! Hi again, I’m Pat Schroeder, you know a lot of people were surprised when they heard that I was going to moderate the Republican Presidential debate, but, don’t worry, I’m not the Democratic pitbull; pitbulls don’t cry! [ laughs hysterically ] Okay.. let’s introduce our five candidates, and, please, hold your applause until the end, in fairness to Pete Dupont. Okay. George Bush, Vice-President of the United States; Jack Kemp, Congressman from New York; Pierre Dupont, former governor of Deleware; the Rev. Pat Robertson; and Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole, of Kansas. First, Vice-President Bush: your campaign attacked Sen. Dole in Iowa, calling him “mean-spirited”, and accusing his wife of financial misconduct. Obviously, this tactic didn’t work very well, and my question is, are you going to apologize?
George Bush: Well, first of all, let me say that Bob Dole and I are friends. And I never authorized a flyer that said that Bob Dole is mean-spirited, but I’m not going to disavow it, because I want to stay above the fray, on the high road. So, apologize? No. Above the fray? Yes.
Bob Dole: Can I say something here, Pat?
Pat Schroeder: Go ahead, Senator Dole.
Bob Dole: I don’t believe my good friend George Bush – he’s lying, he knows it, you know it, I know it, the people at home know it, the American people know it, we all know it. Now, it’s one thing to attack an opponent’s record in the heat of a campaign.. but when you come after an opponent’s wife, well, to me, that’s another thing! Now, my wife, Elizabeth Dole, ran the buses of this country for three years, so it’s not fair! Maybe if you have a wife of privilege, like George Bush, you don’t know that! You see, Bob Dole grw up in Kansas in a small farm town, he didn’t have the prep school education, or the sterling silverware, or the bumper pool table in the basement.. didn’t have the shower & massage with five-way adjustable heads.. or the sit-down lawnmower. Bob Dole didn’t have these things!
George Bush: Now, wait a minute, can I say something here?
Bob Dole: George, I’m not finished yet!
George Bush: Now, I’m not gonna back down..
Bob Dole: I know it, you know it, and the people here tonight know it.. the American people know it, we all know it.. Bob Dole, Republican candidate is gonna be the next President of the United States! So why don’t you just go back home to your summer home in Maine, your automatic garage door opener, your electric steak knife, and run around Kennenbunkport, Maine in your powerboat, while I take care of real issues in the White House!
George Bush: I’m not gonna stand for that, that’s a cheap shot right there!
Pat Schroeder: Please, gentlemen.. we’ll get back to you later, let’s turn to Jack Kemp. Jack, as much as anyone, you have been identified with supply-side economics. But have the supply-side caused these huge deficits, and since you’re offering simply more of the same, how od you plan to balance the budget?
Jack Kemp: Well, the whole thing boils down to leadership, Pat. You know, when I played quarterback for the old Buffalo Bills, I gave 110%, and that inspired the guys around me to give 110% or better. The same thing applies to this budget – with the proper leadership, you can get that budget to give 150%! That means that you can spend 80% on the military, 40% on education, and still have 30% left over for rebuilding our infrastructure!
Pat Schroeder: Let’s turn now to Pat Robertson. Pat?
Pat Robertson: Uh.. yes, Pat?
Pat Schroeder: [ laughs ] It’s easy to remember your name! Um.. Reverand Robertson, you bristled Monday when Tom Brokaw called you a television evangelist. Why?
Pat Robertson: Well, uh, Pat.. this is a deliberate attemt by the media to belittle me, and I’m just not gonna stand for it! I’ve been so many things besides a religious broadcaster – I’m a bnusinessman, I’m the president of the sixth largest cable TV network in the country, I’ve, uh.. I’ve mowed lawns.. I’ve been a babysitter.. I’ve, uh.. watched people’s homes while they’ve been on vacation.. I’ve been a caddy, at a country club, one of the largest country clubs in the state of Virginia.. and I think that the media, by ignoring these other positions I’ve had, and focusing on twenty-five odd years of my hosting an evangelical show, I think that’s just unfair, and it’s just religious bigotry!
Bob Dole: Now, come on, Pat, that’s jsut a load of bunk! You know, and I know, that you’re an old Bible-thumping, revival show con artist from way back, who claim to heal people. I’ll tell you something, Pat Robertson – you turn to me and heal my right arm, and I’ll be glad to step aside and let you be President of the United States!
George Bush: Pat, that last comment is what people are talking about when they say that Bob Dole is mean-spirited and wicked-tempered! You don’t want a man like Bob Dole, a hot head, in the White House with his finger on the nuclear button!
Bob Dole: Now, George Bush, don’t you call me wicked-tempered! I saw you slap a Senate page once, slap a page right to the ground – and a female one, at that!
George Bush: Yeah, she had it coming!
Pat Schroeder: Gentlemen, please.. please, gentlemen. Let’s now turn to Pete Dupont. Pete, you’ve been running on what you call “Damn Good Ideas”, like privatizing Social Security. Um.. they didn’t exactly catch on in Iowa. How exactly are the people of New Hampshire responding to your idea that teenagers should be tested for drugs before they can get a driver’s license?
Pete Dupont: Well, they love it, Pat, they do. They understand that it’s a damn good idea to link the privilege of driving with being drug-free. In fact, I’ve decided to expand the idea to Social Security. Now, I say tell our senior citizens, “You do drugs, you don’t get your Social Security check.” I mean, it’s just that simple.
Bob Dole: Can I say something, Pat? I don’t know what my good friend Pierre Dupont – and that’s your name; come on, it’s Pierre, not Pete, don’t go around telling people your name’s Pete when it’s Pierre – PIerre, I don’t know what you know about Social Security. I mean, Bob Dole didn’t grow up with a 150-foot yacht, I didn’t have the convertible for graduation, the sterling silver cocktail shaker, or the machine that tears the tennis balls at you..
George Bush: Now, wait a minute, wait a minute! Now, I’m getting sick of this! Why don’t you pick on someone your own size! I’m not gonna let you pick on my friend, Pierre, here! Noew, come on, Bob! You’re a millionaire, and I’m not sure all that money was made on the up-and-up!
Bob Dole: George, how would you like this pen stuck right in your neck?!
Pat Schroeder: Gentlemen, please..
George Bush: I’d like to see you try!
Bob Dole: I could take you with my one good arm, George Bush, and you know that! In a fair fight, you could use two!
Pat Schroeder: Please, gentlemen.. Gentlemen, we are nearing the end, and I’d like to ask one question and address it to each of you: you are all articulate and attracive candidates, but only one of you can win the Presidential nomination. Now, starting with Gov. Dupont, would you accept the second spot on the Republican ticket?
Pete Dupont: Uh, no, Pat, I have no interest in being the Vice-President. I don’t really want to spend the next four years going to funerals.
Pat Schroeder: Congressman Kemp?
Jack Kemp: Pat, absolutely not. I’ve been a quarterback, I have no interest in being the waterboy.
Pat Schroeder: Pat Robertson?
Pat Robertson: Uh, Pat, the anser is no. I’ve had so many different jobs, frankly, being called the Vice-President would make me as angry as being called a TV evangelist!
Pat Schroeder: Sen. Dole?
Bob Dole: Well, Pat, I think the people know the Vice-Presidency, to me, is just the lowest form of political exist! I think the only person I can think of who’s spineless enough to want to job is my good friend, George Bush!
Pat Schroeder: Mr. Bush?
George Bush: Well, Pat, I intedn to be the Presidential nominee of this party – let’s make that clear! But am I gonna stand here and rule out the Vice-Presidency? No! I’m the only one with the guts to say so. Why? Beause I think I make a damn good Vice-President! Because I’ve been there, I’ve done it! For eight years, and I could do it for eight more!
Pat Schroeder: Well, thank all of you for joining us. Remember, Tuesday is Primary Day, so all of you here in New Hampshire, remember: Vote Democrat! [ laughs ] Just kidding! No, not really! [ laughs again ] Good night, and thank all of you!
Bob Dole: Can I say something, Pat? Can I say something?
Pat Schroeder: Sen. Dole?
Bob Dole: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
February 13th, 1988
Terence Trent D’Arby
Republican Debate ’88Summary: Bob Dole (Dan Aykroyd) asserts authority over his fellow Republicans during their first debate for their party’s 1988 election nomination.
Recurring Characters: Pat Schroeder, George Bush, Bob Dole, Pat Robertson.
Justine Bateman’s MonologueSummary: Justine Bateman tells the morbid story of St. Valentine.
Bio: Justine Bateman (1966-). Actress; portrayed Mallory Keaton on TV series “Family Ties”, 1982-89; started her own fashion dsign company in 2000; her younger brother is actor Jason Bateman.
Family TiesSummary: Justine Bateman introduces the latest upcoming very special flashback of “Family Ties,” which looks back on past very special flashback episodes and the Keaton Family’s favorite episode of “The Jeffersons.”
Learning to FeelSummary: Psychologist Denie Venetti (Nora Dunn) continues to advise her guests to look at themselves.
Recurring Characters: Denise Venetti, Neil Simmons.
Terrance Trent D’Arby performs “Wishing Well”Bio: Terence Trent D’Arby (1962-). Singer-songwriter; legally changed his name to Sananda Maitreya in 2001.
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Al Franken demonstrates how his one-man mobile uplink equipment operates for his report on the weather at the New Hampshire primary, even as the equipment weighs him down.
Derek Stevens in LoveSummary: Derek Stevens (Dana Carvey) is recording mroe than songs than ever, thanks to his muse of a girlfriend (Justine Bateman). But the well may run dry when she tires of him constantly referencing their lives in his new songs.
Recurring Characters: Derek Stevens.
In and Out, Nobody Gets HurtSummary: In 1929, Bugsy (Kevin Nealon) tries to explain his foolproof bank robbery plan to his gang, but they can’t seem to grasp the concept of getting in and out so that nobody gets hurt.
Terrance Trent D’Arby performs “Under My Thumb”
Laughing at LindaSummary: Michael’s (Jon Lovitz) ditzy young girlfriend, Linda (Justine Bateman), is convinced that his well-to-do friends are making fun of her behind her back.
Friday Night VideosSummary: Justine Bateman struggles to make awkward small talk with her out-of-place guest host, George F. Will (Dana Carvey).
Recurring Characters: George F. Will.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 10
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
…..A. Whitney Brown
Music Intro: “Phantom of the Opera”
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with your anchorperson, The Phantom of the Update.[ shows Dennis in darkness, wearing mask from “The Phantom of the Opera ]
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you? [ lights go on, Dennis takes off his mask, organ music stops ] Nah, come on, you didn’t think I’d do the whole news wearing this thing, did you, huh? [ Dennis turns his face, revealing a scar under where the mask was ]
Okay, I’m sure by now that you’re all familiar with the Broadway show about a tormented madman who lurks beneath a Paris operahouse. I myself am more interested in a news show about tormented talkshow viewers who are tortured by a large talkative black woman five times a week. It’s called “Phantom of the Oprah”, and it opens with a national tour this spring.
Dennis Miller: [ shows his scar ] Come on now, you didn’t think I’d do the whole news with this thing, did you now? It’s just a fake scar, the makeup guy told me I could pull it right off.. [ pulls it off, with much difficulty ] That hurt! [ surprised ] That really hurt! [ holds up his arm ] Acting! [ audience applauds ] Oh, thank you for kinda liking that.
You know, the Soviet Union has just introduced two new breakfast cereals honoring its leader and first lady. They’re called Raisa Bran and Gorba Chex, and They will be on the U. S. market late summer.
President Reagan will ask Congress to establish cash awards for inventions, and the first $10,000 award will go to Admiral John Poindexter for that Iran story he came up with.
The Israeli government, looking for a way to ease Palestinean unrest is hoping to open the Gaza Strip to casino gambling. Moe Green, head of the Israeli gaming comission says, “Licensed gambling will bring jobs, revenue, and big-name entertainment to the strip. Green went on to say “If you are going to the Gaza Strip, bring your riot shield and your Visa card because they don’t take prisoners, and they don’t take American Express.”
Two brothers from New Jersey were kept from reporting a 1982 UFO encounter until yesterday. For fear that no one would believe him, they told reporters that they were beamed from inside their car to a sphere-shaped spacecraft. Once inside, they were probed with space needles, and forced to have sex with a woman that they can now positively identify as Jessica Hahn.
Dennis Miller: And now with a sociological introspective, here is news correspondant Victoria Jackson.
Victoria Jackson: Thank you. [ stands up ] “The Life of a Table” by Victoria Jackson.[ forms a backbend on the Weekend Update desk, imitating a table ]
“The life of a table is not grand,
You place things on me when holding your hand.
Cold, hot, and wet things, smelly things and more.
I’m a useful convenience whose life is a bore.
I’ve got four legs.”
“There’s places that I want to go,
But I’m stiff as a board, so I travel too slow.”
“The life of a table is not so great, but I must say,
I’ve never known another life, so I guess mine is okay.”
Dennis Miller: Thanks, Victoria. Thank you. [ she exits ] You know, if we were married, I’d never leave the apartment.
Well, tomorrow is Super Bowl XXII, and if you’re asking me for a predicyion, I believe that Webster and Gary Coleman will marry the Landers sisters, and tour the country as a bizarre trapeze act.
Disaster struck a New York harbor this week when a disabled supertanker spilled 10,000,000 gallons of Yoo-Hoo chocolate drink into the Hudson River. Scientists are unable to predict what the effect the spill will have on the local ecology, since no one is really quite sure what Yoo-Hoo is made of.
Here’s an update on that Amtrak accident this week: Amtrak officials this time are blaming a disgruntled employee who evidently painted the opening of a tunnel on the side of a mountain. The accused switchman, one William M. Coyote, is still missing.
Dennis Miller: And now, here to set sail on the boundless ocean of ignorance and a lifeboat of oversimplification, is A. Whitney Brown with The Big Picture.
A Whitney Brown: Thank you, Dennis. Well, this week the Big Picture is a bullet-popped fresco on a prison wall in Jerusalem. Arab against Jew is nothing new, I know, but this time at least, the Jews have the rules of the playground on their side. Scissors beat paper, rocks beat scissors, tanks beat rocks. And the Palestinians are as pissed off as pyromaniacs in a petrified forest. So, they’re throwing rocks. The Israelis can break hands all day long, but there’s always going to be more pitchers in the Palestinian Bullpen. I know, here in America we’re supposed to be on the side of the Israelis, because, you know, they owe us money. But, if they claim to be a free country, they oughtta act like one. You know, use firehoses and dogs like we did in Alambama. I understand Israel’s in a tough situation. They’re surrounded by sworn enemies, in fear of their lives, and as paranoid as pole-watchers in Haiti. Their country is smaller than Long Island and it has a lower percentage of Jews as well. But this racial hatred between Jews and Arabs seems a little confusing, because, they don’t seem all that different to the rest of the world. If it wasn’t for the Jews being right all the time, I wouldn’t be able to tell them apart. On the other hand, I can see why Palestinians would have a beef. A bad attitude comes easy to a man who lives in a refugee camp in his own country. You know, this whole racism thing is.. almost sad, in a way, sort of, when you think about it. But the Israelis say this breaking of bones is nothing personal against Palestinians in general, it’s just an example of what they could do if they didn’t like them. They also say if somebody has a better idea or a better solution, they shouldn’t judge, so let me just throw this out. Crucifixtion. If you really want to set an example, it’s something that people really remember. And that, my friends, is a helpful suggestion from the muddy montage in history that makes up the Big Picture. Goodnight.
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Whitney.
Columbia Records made marketing history this week, when it released George Michaels’ latest album “Faith” on digital I.U.D.
Amid reports that he wed debutante Cornelia Guest, Sylvester Stallone has announced that he has plans to begin a new film project in February, an autobiographical look at his first two marriages. The film, to be entitled “Rocky”, is set for release later this year.
Sarah Ferguson is pregnant and will give birth this August. London bookies say that the best bet is that the child will be named either George or Elizabeth, and give 3 to 1 odds on those two names. The longshots are Schlomo or Yetta.
And in Punxsutawnee, Pennsylvania this Tuesday, composer Andrew Lloyd Weber will come out of his hole, see his shadow, crawl back into his hole, and we won’t have to hear from him for another year.
Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here!
Submitted by: Tony DuMont
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 10
Democratic Debate ’88
Pat Schroeder…..Nora Dunn
Gary Hart…..Dennis Miller
Michael Dukakis…..Jon Lovitz
Al Gore…..Kevin Nealon
Jesse Jackson…..Carl Weathers
Paul Simon…..Al Franken
Bruce Babbitt…..Phil Hartman
Richard Gephardt…..Dana Carvey
Announcer: From the Failing Farmer Auditorium in Des Moines, Iowa, it’s the.. [ sigh ] ..43rd debate of the 1988 Democratic candidates for president, brought to you by the 6th grade class of Counsel Bluff Elementary School. And here’s tonight’s moderator, Colorado congresswoman Pat Schroeder.
Pat Schroeder: Thank you! I’m Pat Schroeder.. as you know, I was almost a candidate for President myself, and when I withdrew from the race, I cried. I would like to apolgize, and I would like to say, as a woman and a Democrat, I no longer respond to stressful situations that way. [ suddenly laughs hysterically ] Let’s meet our candidates, and please hold your applause until the end for Al Gore and Gary Hart, who are unpopular here in Iowa. [ pan to Michael Dukakis ] ..Massachusetts Governor, Michael Dukakis.. [ pan to Paul Simon ] ..Senator Paul Simon.. [ pan to Bruce Babbitt ] ..former Arizona Governor Bruce Babbitt.. [ pan to Richard Gephardt ] ..MissouriCongressman Richard Gephardt.. [ pan to Al Gore ] ..Senator Albert Gore, Jr., of Tennessee.. [ pan to Jesse Jackson ] ..the Reverand Jesse Jackson.. [ pan to Gary Hart ] ..and former Colorado Senator Gary Hart. We’ll begin with you, Senator Hart. Now, I’m not going to ask you about.. you know what.
Gary Hart: No. What?
Pat Schroeder: Well.. you know..
Gary Hart: You mean my new ideas?
Pat Schroeder: No.
Gary Hart: You mean my plan to revitalize the economy?
Pat Schroeder: No.
Gary Hart: Well, then, I.. I.. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Pat Schroeder: I’m talking about your dalliances with a Miami model, and your implausible response to the exposure, and your subsequent withdrawal from the race, and your recent re-entry.
Gary Hart: I cannot believe you brought that up! I admitted I made a mistake, and I’m not going to answer that question!
Pat Schroeder: Well.. [ starts to cry, but then breaks out intohysterical laughter ] Okay! Alright.. Now.. Governor Dukakis, your critics are doubting your ability to translate the Massachusetts Miracle to the rest of the nation. When you first came to Iowa, you suggested that the farmers try growing a different crop.. and you cited as your example, Belgian endive. Do you still feel that Belgian endive still is the answer to Iowa’s economy?
Michael Dukakis: Pat, each of us here tonight is asking for America’s leadership and trust, allowing us to lead the country. And I don’t think you can lead without a vision.. and I have a vision for America. I see purple mountains over Decchio; I see wooden valleys over Rugala; I see Escarol from sea to shining.. [ timer sounds ] ..sea. I know I’m running out of time, so let me conclude that with direction, purpose, a little oil and vinegar, and maybe some feta cheese, there is nothing we cannot do. Thank you.
Pat Schroeder: Now, Senator Gore, your wife Tipper has led the fight to censor offensive rock and roll lyrics and videos. At the same time, you have admitted that while you and Tipper were in college, you smoked pot. My question to you is: What on Earth were you listening to when you were smoking the marijuana?
Al Gore: [ tongue hanging out ] Uh.. Pink Floyd. I was wondering if I could use the rest of my time to express my views on arms control and stronger defense.
Pat Schroeder: I’m sorry, you will have to use your time to answer the question which is posed.
Al Gore: Okay. [ paused ] It was “Dark Side of the Moon”. And I’ve admitted to smoking pot, and a lot of people have made the same mistake, and will never, ever do it again.
Pat Schroeder: Uh.. Reverand Jackson..
Jesse Jackson: Yes, Pat.
Pat Schroeder: You’ve advocated huge cuts in defense spending – I admire that. But won’t that weaken us militarily?
Jesse Jackson: Well, Pat, we have a strong military defense. Wehave guided missiles, but misguided policies. We have minesweepers in the Persian Gulf, but there’s a great need for drugsweepers in the Gulf of Mexico. Economically, we must stop the process of merging, purging and submerging – merging corporations, purging works, submerging our economy. We have in this country welfare and tailcare, when we should have workfare and childcare. From the poorhouse to the courthouse, from the state house to the White House; if not now, when? If not me, who? If not.. I’m sorry, Pat, what was that question?
Pat Schroeder: Senator Simon.. why the bow tie?
Paul Simon: Pat.. my advisorrrs.. have been begging me for yearrrs.. to get rid of the bow tieee. But with Paul Simon, what you seeee is what you get.. and I’m not about to chage my bow tieee to please some media advisorrr. And sooo.. I wearrr.. the bow tieee. And I think the American people want a president who’s not afraid to say, “I am who I ammm.. bow tieee and all.” [ timer sounds ] Uh.. may I finish? [ Pat nods ] So that’s why I wearrr.. the bow tieee. Thank you.
Pat Schroeder: Thank you. Governor Babbitt, you have said that you would raise taxes in order to save the deficit. Isn’t that what we heard from Walter Mondale in 1984?
Bruce Babbitt: [ speedtalks ] Well, Pat, I think America’s ready for some honest talk! [ stands ] Now who else on this platform will say they’re willing to increase taxes to save this deficit! [ no one stands ] Okay, who here will stand up in favor of universal daycare! [ Simon and Jackson stand ] Alright, how about for the rights of homosexuals in the workplace, including the military! [ most of the candidates begin to stand, but then quickly take their seat as the question continues ] Alright, a manned mission to Mars, who’ll stand up for a manned mission to Mars! [ timer sounds ]
Pat Schroeder: Thank you, Governor. Now, on the Congressman Richard Gephardt. Your critics have called your trade bill “protectionist”. How do you respond to that?
Richard Gephardt: Well, Pat, I believe in fair trade, but I alsobelieve in fair trade. The bill I sponsored in Congress will..[ as Gephardt speaks, the other candidates express their inner thoughtsto themselves ]
Jesse Jackson’s Thoughts: Boy, he’s not funky at all.
Al Gore’s Thoughts: I wonder if my hair’s out of place. It’s hanging right over my forehead. [ moves his hair ] There! Got it!
Gary Hart’s Thoughts: [ staring into the audience ] Oh, yeah! Third row, she’s a fox! Yeah.. you baby.. uh-huh..
Michael Dukakis’ Thoughts: Maybe I shouldn’t be President.. nah!Yeah, I should!
Paul Simon’s Thoughts: I think I scored biggg.. on the bow tieee..
Bruce Babbitt’s Thoughts: I wonder if I’m still in that room at the Holiday Inn, or if they switched me to the Ramada..
Pat Schroeders Thoughts: You’re doing great, if you can just keep from crying..
Richard Gephardt’s Thoughts: [ as he continues to speak ] Uh-oh.. I’m losing my concentrating, and I’m.. heading to the ceiling..
Richard Gephardt: ..and really, in closing, that’s what I thinkthat you seserve.
Pat Schroeder: Thank you, gentlemen. I’m sorry that we’re all out of time, because you all have to go to Davenport for the next Democratic debate. I’m Pat Schroeder, I’m honored to be here. I thank all of you for sharing your views. Goodnight!
Announcer: Now stay tuned for the 28th debate of the Republicancandidates, from Cap’s Oil Well Arena in Houston, Texas.
January 30th, 1988
BushWhacked!Recurring Characters: George Bush.
Carl Weathers’ MonologueBio: Carl Weathers (1948-). Actor; brief career as a linebacker with the Oakland Raiders, 1970-71; best remembered as Apollo Creed in the “Rocky” film series, 1976-85.
Handi-OffSummary: Office employee Sheila (Victoria Jackson) seeks a product that will resolve the problem she faces by having extra digits.
Note: Repeat from: 12/05/87.
The NFL Today
Democratic Debate ’88Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson.
Robbie Robertson performs “Testimony”Bio: Robbie Robertson (1943-). Musician; he was the primary songwriter for The Band, until their dissolution in 1978; began his solo career in 1987.
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerTranscript
Actress & Pimp
Robbie Robertson performs “Somewhere Down The Crazy River”
Master Thespian Meets Ching ChangeRecurring Characters: Master Thespian, Ching Change.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 9
Robin Williams’ Monologue
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, RobinWilliams!
Robin Williams: [cheers and applause as Robinruns in and dances energetically] Thank you! Thankyou! It’s a privilege to be here in New York Citywhere its mayor– Doesn’t Mayor Koch sound a lot likeElmer Fudd or am I crazy? … [Elmer Fudd voice] Uhhh,I’m tewwing you, hahahahahaha, there is no cowwuption!Hahahaha! … [normal voice] It’s amazing, it’s beenan amazing year. Gary Hart has thrown his hat backinto the political ring. Actually, more than that –he’s thrown everything into the ring. … People lookat Gary and say, “Gary, you’re a sinner!” No, hewasn’t a sinner. He was on a boat, the boat wasrockin’, [rocking his hips back and forth] he went,”Hey, what the hell?” … [applause] Yes!
And, for as much as Gary has sinned, people in Francelook at him and go, [French accent] “What? Did hesleep with a chicken? No! … What eez the beegproblem there, huh?” If he gets elected, then–They’ll say [deep voice] “Now rise for the Presidentand his First Whatever.” … He walks out, there’s theFirst Lady goin’, “All right!” [walks like a chicken]… Pecking Raisia Gorbachev. [pecking like achicken]
We also had an amazing fight last night — Mike Tyson!Yes, indeed! [cheers and applause] Michael! Mike Tysonis a combination of Arnold Schwarzeneggar and MichaelJackson. … Yes. [as Mike Tyson] “I’m just gonna hurthim. His face was in the way, I was able to hit him.”Yes, he was there. But the funny thing about the fightis, if you notice, in the corner, all the attendantsare wearing rubber gloves! Why is that? [hands onhips, as a boxer] “It’s for safe boxing!” … Peoplegoing, like, [as a boxer] “Wait a minute, I’m not hereto make love with the man, I’m just gonna fightwith him!” Scary thing — you think, “Wait a minute,what’s goin’ on?” Is something going on in the clinchthat I don’t know about? Are they gettin’ together inthe clinch goin’ [as a boxer in a clinch, to hisopponent] “Why haven’t you called me?” [as thereferee] “Break!” [breaks the imaginary clinch, backsaway] …
It’s the Eighties! People are a little afraid. That’sright. That’s why everyone’s wearing rubber gloves.You go to your dentist — he comes to the door dressedin a wet suit going, [as dentist, with hands over hisface like diver’s mask] “Welcome!” … That’s right.You meet someone special, you say, [as a cautiousboyfriend] “Gosh, Helen, I care about you but — can Ihave some blood and urine so I can run some tests?”… Right, you’re going, “What am I gonna do?”[points to man in crowd] Sir? Sir, do you have aprophylactic on you right now? Do you? You have thatlook like, “No, but I’ll– No, I don’t, I had itScotchguarded.” That’s okay. … And the one Jewishguy is going, “No, I had it upholstered. I feel somuch safer! … That way I don’t get any stains.” Youknow what I’m talking about! … You know what I’mtalking about when I say “prophylactic”? Yes! From theLatin word “prophylactorum,” meaning “strange partyfavor” — you know what I mean? … Yes! Yes, it ISthe Bathing Cap of Love! … Mmmm, people now go,”Yes! Carry ’em around, friends!” Because, you know,it comes along that time when you say you want to meetMiss Right or, at least, Miss Right Now! …And there you are together and you say, “Yes! Yes!”And I know you’re going, “Mm, baby! Yes!” And you’remaking love! And you go, “Hey, yes! Yes!” And you go,”Wait a minute! Time out! Let’s put on a balloon!” …
No, no! You have to put it–! I know most men aregoing, “Robin! I’m not putting that on! No! It takesthe sensitivity out! It’s like tap dancing in divingboots!” Okay! … It can be done! And I know some mengo, [as a tough guy] “Listen to me, man! I’m notputtin’ somethin’ on my Amazing Wonder Weasel makes itlook like a Hare Krishna!” … [cheers and applause,even from the SNL band] Put it on, baby! Put it on![to the band members] You know what I’m talking about![points to band members] Look at this here! Look atthat there! Even he’s carrying a prophylacticin his “safe sax,” you know what I’m saying?! … Yes,indeed! ‘Member in high school when you had theprophylactic, you had ’em on– [as high school boytrying to get condom on before erection disappears]”Ah! Oh! Too late, it’s over. I’m sorry.” … You haveto have some sort of way of doing it, you know?Because sometimes you feel like you’ve only got sixtyseconds. It’s like, “Okay, here we go!” You feel likethe plate spinner on the Sullivan show. [mimes puttingon condom while fingering a woman] Like, “Okay, honey,stay with me! Okay, stay–! Oh! Oh! Oh ho! Oh! Toolate! He’s gooooone!” … [sinks to the floor, as theWicked Witch of the West] “I’M MELTING! AHHHH! … YOUWERE TOO LATE! AHHHHH!” … But you have choices. Youdo. [cheers and applause]
Put it on! You can put it on! They’re there for yoursafety! You’ve got choices! You’ve got your plain oryour clear — if you wanna have the glass bottom boattour, that’s okay! … And if you like barbecue, theygot prophylactic with ribs! You know what I’m saying!… And if you like– If you’re in a party mood, theyhave the prophylactic or the “fiesta” condom so youcan turn your penis into a piñata! … There you are– beating it! If you hit– She has a little stick!She’s beating you for prizes! You know what I’msaying! … Yes, indeed!
Because what it comes down to, friends, is: theprophylactic is the feminist revenge for thediaphragm! You know what I’m saying! … Women knowwhat I’m saying! [cheers and applause] Women do! Thereyou are, you’re going, [as a man] “Honey, I just can’tkeep it on! I can’t–!” They’re going, [as skepticalwoman] “Right, right.” And I know — I know,sometimes, a few men, some — maybe like myself, Ihave to admit it — you put it on — and it falls off.Okay! … Maybe you have to use that thing that theytie off garbage bags and [mimes tying his condom onwith a garbage bag tie] keep it on there. … It’sokay. That’s what we’re talking about.
Because WHY are you wearing this? Why are you wearingthis prophylactic? Is it eventually gonna be so scarythat it’s gonna be, [as a man] “Helen? I’m in the airlock now!” … [as a woman] “Harry, leave the sperm ina dish! I’ll get it tomorrow!” … It’s like that.There are things out there that are scary! You knowwhat I’m talking about! It used to be herpes. Peoplegoing, [frightened] “Herpes!” Now people are goin’,like, [casually] “I’ve got herpes simplex!” “I’ve gotherpes complex!” “I’ve got herpes duplex!” No! Thatdoesn’t scare you any more! …
No! These diseases have been out there for a longtime! If you look at the history of them, they’ve beenthere for four thousand years! If you realize thatsyphilis came from sheep four thousand years ago–!Which makes you think four thousand years ago, therewas some shepherd that went, [as ancient shepherd, todeparting friends] “No, no. The rest of you go totown, I’ll be okay!” … [applause] What? And all thehealthy sheep are goin’ [as fleeing sheep] “I’m out o’here, man!” You know? … And there’s one sheep going,[coughs, points to himself] “Me?” [as the crazedshepherd] “Yeah!” No! And some people think that AIDSmight have come from a monkey in central Africaseventy years ago. Which makes you think that therewas some explorer, seventy years ago, went, [Britishaccent] “No, no. The rest of you go to town, I’ll beokay!” … The scary thought is that, right now,somewhere in the Midwest, there’s some little farm boygoin’ [deranged Midwestern accent] “I’m just goin’ togo clean the chicken coop, Daddy!” …
You’ve gotta realize that– You’ve gotta realize thatit’s out there! It’s scary but, hey! What are ya leftwith? If you don’t go out there and do what you do,what’re ya gonna do? Gonna be at home alone? You’regonna be at home alone, just sittin’ there with yourX-rated movie. Yes, I know. People who do it, singlepeople are goin’ “Yeah, Robin, I’ve rented CycleSluts from Hell. Okay.” … But why – why do theyalways have to be so BADLY ACTED?! Why? It’s alwayssomebody going [unenthusiastic porn actor] “Oh, yes.You know I want it. I’ve got it for you, baby.” …And there’s always some woman going [unenthusiasticporn actress touching breasts] “Oh, these are for you.Do me. Here we go. Oh, yes.” … She’s bored! Shelooks like she’s just out of it! Why CAN’T THEY HAVE[British accent] a classically trained Shakespeareanporno actor?! … A combination of Sir Laurence andHarry Reems! … Then you’ll have a movie! …Then, they’ll come out and go, [enthusiasticShakespearean porn actor] “Elizabeth! I will part youlike the Red Sea! … [cheers and applause] There wego! For this, I do cry now: I shall make you moremoist than Manila in the monsoon season! … I willdrive you thus and say WE HAVE ARRIVED! AND NOW, FORENGLAND, CRY ANON!”
We have a great show! We got James Taylor! Stay rightaround! [cheers and applause]
January 23rd, 1988
Pumping Up With Hans & FranzRecurring Characters: Hans, Franz.
CompulsionSummary: In a spoof of Calvin Klein perfume ads, an obsessive-compulsive woman (Jan Hooks) continuously cleans amidst her surroundings.
Note: Repeat from: 87d.
Learning to FeelRecurring Characters: Denise Venetti.
James Taylor performs “Never Die Young”First Performed: 76a.
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
Robin’s 60th Birthday
James Taylor performs “Sweet Potato Pie”
The 8th Annual ACE Awards
James Taylor performs “Lonesome Road”
DiscoverRecurring Characters: Peter Graves.
Can’t Say “I Love You”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 13: Episode 11
[ open on a ritzy party, evening ] [ camera pans across the room of seemingly perfect people, until the focus falls upon a couple standing by the door ]
Linda: Promise we’ll just stay five minutes..
Michael: Okay. But, look, Linda, these are my friends, I want you to talk to them.
Linda: I’m sure they don’t want to talk to me.. come on, let’s go..
Michael: Wait, wait, wait a minute.. why do you think they don’t want to talk to you?
Linda: Because I’m just an art student, they’re all twenty years older than me, much more accomplished, and I can tell they think I’m really stupid.
Michael: That’s a ridiculous accusation!
Linda: I’m serious! I know they’re all thinking I’m just Michael’s silly little bimbo who thinks she’s an artist.. they laugh at me.
Michael: Linda, no one thinks you’re stupid, no one’s laughing at you.[ they start to walk through the party ]
Linda: The other night, I told your friend Henry that I really liked his Time cover story..
Linda: I remembered it as Newsweek.
Michael: Oh, Linda, look.. it seems like a huge mistake to you, other people don’t even notice!
Linda: You think so?
Michael: Yes. And, besides, it’s pretty egotistical of you to think that all these busy, successful people have the time to sit around discussing the shortcomings of a human being.
Linda: I guess.
Michael: Alright, come on.. look, look.. here’s Roger and Cindy. [ they walk over ] Hey, Roger! Cindy! You remember Linda? [ they acknowledge her ] How’s the research going?
Roger: Oh, I think we’re this close to a cure. Very encouraging!
Michael: That is great!
Roger: [ grabs his coat ] Well, I’m sorry to rush. I’m on my way to the lab – it’s a 20-hour day today, you understand..
Michael: Understood. Hey, good luck!
Roger: Thanks![ Michael and Linda walk off ]
Cindy: Roger, before you go.. can you believe how dumb she is?
Roger: [ laughs ] Whoo! Unbelievable! Just the ridiculous way she talks!
Cindy: Oh, I know.. and have you seen her paintings?
Roger: Nooo.. you have? Well, listen, I’ve got to hear about this! Come over here and tell me about it![ they move off to the side ] [ camera zooms in to a couple standing at the bar ]
Henry: So, then she says to me, “I really enjoyed your cover story in Time last week.” [ laughs ] Can you believe that?
Susan: I’m gonna tell you the truth – Ihave heard that story, it’s a classic! Listen, I just got back from Tokyo last night, and I’m off to Munich tomorrow.. but Ican tell you what Iheard about her today..
Henry: [ clears his throat, seeing Michael approach with Linda ] So, I’m, uh.. afraid my, uh.. Op-Ed piece caused quite a bit of a stir..
Michael: Henry! Susan! Hi! You remember Linda?
Henry: Oh, yes.. of course.
Linda: You know, Henry, I did read your Op-Ed piece in, uh.. in the New York Times.. and you made a great point!
Henry: Yeah. Uh.. I think you mean the Washington Post.
Linda: Oh.. right.
Michael: Hey, congratulations on that Pulitzer. I’ll see you next week?
Henry: Alright. [ Michael and Linda walk off ] You know, I’ve thought about it and thought about it.. and I’m still not sure I have her pegged yet. I mean, she’s definitelty stupid and untalented, but isn’t there also something.. sort of..
Kevin: [ pokes hid head in ] Are you talking about Michael’s little bimbo?
Susan: What else?
Kevin: I’ve been out of the country for a while, I’m not competely up on her, so fill me in.
Henry: Alright, alright.. get this: I had a cover story in Newsweek..
Kevin: [ laughing ] Oh, the Newsweek thing! Bob Fed-exed me about that! It’s hysterical, man!
Susan: Look, I’ve invited Michael and his silly little bimbo to dinner on Thursday night – I think it will be extremely entertaining!
Kevin: Oh, boy.. I’m under the gun this week, but, uh.. I’m not gonna miss this!
Susan: [ laughing ] Can you believe what she’s wearing?
Henry: Oh, please.. that’s a completely complete and separate topic. Listen, I’ve gotta get back to the office, I’ve got a big deadline to meet.. but I’m gonna think about Linda a little further, and I should have some thoughts on her a little later. Why don’t you call me?
Susan: Okay.[ camera shifts to Michael and Linda at the door, as they preapre to leave the party ]
Michael: Now, that wasn’t so bad, was it?
Linda: I guess not, but I still don’t think your friends really like me..
Michael: Well, Miss Paranoid, for your information, Susan invited us to a dinner party. And don’t think she invited you as a joke![ they exit the party ]
Cindy: [ stands in the center of the room and taps a fork on the side of her wine glass ] Okay, everybody, Michael just left with her – who wants to go first?[ everyone in the room quickly raise their hands, eager to tell their amusing anecdotes about Linda ] [ fade to black ]