SNL Transcripts: Robin Williams: 01/23/88

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 9

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


January 23rd, 1988

Robin Williams

James Taylor


Pumping Up With Hans & FranzRecurring Characters: Hans, Franz.


Robin Williams’ MonologueFirst Hosted: 83l.


CompulsionSummary: In a spoof of Calvin Klein perfume ads, an obsessive-compulsive woman (Jan Hooks) continuously cleans amidst her surroundings.

Note: Repeat from: 87d.

Birth Filming

Learning to FeelRecurring Characters: Denise Venetti.

James Taylor performs “Never Die Young”First Performed: 76a.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Robin’s 60th Birthday

James Taylor performs “Sweet Potato Pie”

The 8th Annual ACE Awards

James Taylor performs “Lonesome Road”

DiscoverRecurring Characters: Peter Graves.

Can’t Say “I Love You”


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Tom Hanks: 02/20/88: Calgary ’88

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Calgary ’88

Mark Mossano…..Tom Hanks
Jim McKay…..Dana Carvey
Dick Button……Phil Hartman
Peggy Fleming…..Jan Hooks



Jim McKay (V/O): We’re back live at the Saddledome in Calgary, where Mark Mossano, the young figure skater from Rockford, Illinois is about to face the greatest test of his life.

[ MARK MOSSANO, wearing a kid’s cowboy hat and a studded periwinkle unitard, waits to go on the rink. ] [ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – ABC SPORTS BOOTH – NIGHT ] [ Announcers JIM MCKAY and DICK BUTTON stand next to each other holding microphones. ]

Jim McKay: Hello, I’m Jim McKay and with me is Dick Button.

Dick Button: Hello.

Jim McKay: Dick, Dick… Mark is not expected to win a medal here in Calgary and realistically – – he has no chance for one.

Dick Button: No, but Jim, watching him skate earlier today… I don’t think that’s on his mind. I think he’s here for the sheer thrill of competing in the Olympics.

Jim McKay: Well, what is it about Mark Mossano that makes him so exciting? Certainly for technique, he’s no match for the skaters we’ve seen tonight.

Dick Button: Well, Jim, it’s that elusive quality we call… style. He skates with an abandon that’s almost primitive and how fitting for an Olympics held in this wild, frontier town. But I can’t quite put my finger on it. All I can say is — I very much like this young man.

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – ICE RINK – NIGHT ] [ Mossano takes to the center of the ice. ]

Jim McKay (V/O): He’s taking the ice now.

[ Mossano poses his arms in the air and waits for the music. ]

Jim McKay (V/O): Mark Mossano.

[ The theme from “Bonanza” begins playing on the speakers. Mossano stumbles. ]

Dick Button (V/O): Oh! A stumble!

[ Mossano pulls out two, toy pistols from the holsters on his unitard and starts prancing on the ice. ]

Dick Button (V/O): But what a bold choice of music! And what a marvelous costume! A fitting choice for an Olympics held in this wild, frontier town.

[ The music changes to 1930’s big band ensemble. Mossano continues to prance. ]

Dick Button (V/O): Oh! A tempo change! Very dramatic.

Jim McKay (V/O): How true.

Dick Button (V/O): Very nice. You know Jim, watching him skate, I’m reminded of a young Robin Cousins.

Jim McKay (V/O): Really? How so, Dick?

Dick Button (V/O): Well… it’s hard to explain. Never mind.

[ Mossano tip-toe dances on the ice, flailing the toy guns near his lips. ]

Dick Button (V/O): Whoa-ho! Look at those six-shooters blazing! He’s taking that ice like some modern-day Wyatt Earp; attacking it with verve and pizzazz and fun.

[ Mossano strikes a finishing pose. ]

Dick Button (V/O): A winning, marvelous program and a sexy one to boot!

Jim McKay (V/O): Definitely… very sexy.

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – ABC SPORTS BOOTH – NIGHT ] [ McKay and Button side-by-side. ]

Jim McKay: Now let us watch young Mark Mossano as he waits to see the judges scoring…

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – KISS AND CRY ZONE – NIGHT ] [ Mossano pants heavily and views the scoring board off screen. ] [ SUPER: URS-0.1, FRG-0.1, USA-0.1, CAN-0.1, GDR-0.0, AUS-0.2, TCH-0.0, GBR-0.0, POL-0.0

Dick Button (V/O): 0.1, 0.1, 0.1, 0.1, 0.0 — that’s the East German judge. 0.2, another no, 0.0, 0.0 and another 0.0.


Dick Button: Well Jim, I really think these scores are very low. I really do.

Jim McKay: Well Dick, Peggy Fleming is ringside with Mark to get his reaction. Let’s go to Peggy…

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – KISS AND CRY ZONE – NIGHT ] [ PEGGY FLEMING stands next to Mossano, who’s panting harder than before. ]

Peggy Fleming: Well, technically Mark that was the best I’ve ever seen you skate. Um, what was it tonight that was special for you?

[ Mossano can’t speak due to his panting. ]

Peggy Fleming: Okay… um, did the performance of your teammate Brian Boitano give you a lift?

[ Mossano shakes his head yet still not speak. ]

Peggy Fleming: Uh-huh… well, is there anything you’d like to say to your family back home?

Mark Mossano: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Robin Williams: 01/23/88: Robin Williams’ Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 9

87i: Robin Williams / James Taylor

Robin Williams’ Monologue

…..Robin Williams

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, RobinWilliams!

Robin Williams: [cheers and applause as Robinruns in and dances energetically] Thank you! Thankyou! It’s a privilege to be here in New York Citywhere its mayor– Doesn’t Mayor Koch sound a lot likeElmer Fudd or am I crazy? … [Elmer Fudd voice] Uhhh,I’m tewwing you, hahahahahaha, there is no cowwuption!Hahahaha! … [normal voice] It’s amazing, it’s beenan amazing year. Gary Hart has thrown his hat backinto the political ring. Actually, more than that –he’s thrown everything into the ring. … People lookat Gary and say, “Gary, you’re a sinner!” No, hewasn’t a sinner. He was on a boat, the boat wasrockin’, [rocking his hips back and forth] he went,”Hey, what the hell?” … [applause] Yes!

And, for as much as Gary has sinned, people in Francelook at him and go, [French accent] “What? Did hesleep with a chicken? No! … What eez the beegproblem there, huh?” If he gets elected, then–They’ll say [deep voice] “Now rise for the Presidentand his First Whatever.” … He walks out, there’s theFirst Lady goin’, “All right!” [walks like a chicken]… Pecking Raisia Gorbachev. [pecking like achicken]

We also had an amazing fight last night — Mike Tyson!Yes, indeed! [cheers and applause] Michael! Mike Tysonis a combination of Arnold Schwarzeneggar and MichaelJackson. … Yes. [as Mike Tyson] “I’m just gonna hurthim. His face was in the way, I was able to hit him.”Yes, he was there. But the funny thing about the fightis, if you notice, in the corner, all the attendantsare wearing rubber gloves! Why is that? [hands onhips, as a boxer] “It’s for safe boxing!” … Peoplegoing, like, [as a boxer] “Wait a minute, I’m not hereto make love with the man, I’m just gonna fightwith him!” Scary thing — you think, “Wait a minute,what’s goin’ on?” Is something going on in the clinchthat I don’t know about? Are they gettin’ together inthe clinch goin’ [as a boxer in a clinch, to hisopponent] “Why haven’t you called me?” [as thereferee] “Break!” [breaks the imaginary clinch, backsaway] …

It’s the Eighties! People are a little afraid. That’sright. That’s why everyone’s wearing rubber gloves.You go to your dentist — he comes to the door dressedin a wet suit going, [as dentist, with hands over hisface like diver’s mask] “Welcome!” … That’s right.You meet someone special, you say, [as a cautiousboyfriend] “Gosh, Helen, I care about you but — can Ihave some blood and urine so I can run some tests?”… Right, you’re going, “What am I gonna do?”

[points to man in crowd] Sir? Sir, do you have aprophylactic on you right now? Do you? You have thatlook like, “No, but I’ll– No, I don’t, I had itScotchguarded.” That’s okay. … And the one Jewishguy is going, “No, I had it upholstered. I feel somuch safer! … That way I don’t get any stains.” Youknow what I’m talking about! … You know what I’mtalking about when I say “prophylactic”? Yes! From theLatin word “prophylactorum,” meaning “strange partyfavor” — you know what I mean? … Yes! Yes, it ISthe Bathing Cap of Love! … Mmmm, people now go,”Yes! Carry ’em around, friends!” Because, you know,it comes along that time when you say you want to meetMiss Right or, at least, Miss Right Now! …And there you are together and you say, “Yes! Yes!”And I know you’re going, “Mm, baby! Yes!” And you’remaking love! And you go, “Hey, yes! Yes!” And you go,”Wait a minute! Time out! Let’s put on a balloon!” …

No, no! You have to put it–! I know most men aregoing, “Robin! I’m not putting that on! No! It takesthe sensitivity out! It’s like tap dancing in divingboots!” Okay! … It can be done! And I know some mengo, [as a tough guy] “Listen to me, man! I’m notputtin’ somethin’ on my Amazing Wonder Weasel makes itlook like a Hare Krishna!” … [cheers and applause,even from the SNL band] Put it on, baby! Put it on!

[to the band members] You know what I’m talking about![points to band members] Look at this here! Look atthat there! Even he’s carrying a prophylacticin his “safe sax,” you know what I’m saying?! … Yes,indeed! ‘Member in high school when you had theprophylactic, you had ’em on– [as high school boytrying to get condom on before erection disappears]”Ah! Oh! Too late, it’s over. I’m sorry.” … You haveto have some sort of way of doing it, you know?Because sometimes you feel like you’ve only got sixtyseconds. It’s like, “Okay, here we go!” You feel likethe plate spinner on the Sullivan show. [mimes puttingon condom while fingering a woman] Like, “Okay, honey,stay with me! Okay, stay–! Oh! Oh! Oh ho! Oh! Toolate! He’s gooooone!” … [sinks to the floor, as theWicked Witch of the West] “I’M MELTING! AHHHH! … YOUWERE TOO LATE! AHHHHH!” … But you have choices. Youdo. [cheers and applause]

Put it on! You can put it on! They’re there for yoursafety! You’ve got choices! You’ve got your plain oryour clear — if you wanna have the glass bottom boattour, that’s okay! … And if you like barbecue, theygot prophylactic with ribs! You know what I’m saying!… And if you like– If you’re in a party mood, theyhave the prophylactic or the “fiesta” condom so youcan turn your penis into a piñata! … There you are– beating it! If you hit– She has a little stick!She’s beating you for prizes! You know what I’msaying! … Yes, indeed!

Because what it comes down to, friends, is: theprophylactic is the feminist revenge for thediaphragm! You know what I’m saying! … Women knowwhat I’m saying! [cheers and applause] Women do! Thereyou are, you’re going, [as a man] “Honey, I just can’tkeep it on! I can’t–!” They’re going, [as skepticalwoman] “Right, right.” And I know — I know,sometimes, a few men, some — maybe like myself, Ihave to admit it — you put it on — and it falls off.Okay! … Maybe you have to use that thing that theytie off garbage bags and [mimes tying his condom onwith a garbage bag tie] keep it on there. … It’sokay. That’s what we’re talking about.

Because WHY are you wearing this? Why are you wearingthis prophylactic? Is it eventually gonna be so scarythat it’s gonna be, [as a man] “Helen? I’m in the airlock now!” … [as a woman] “Harry, leave the sperm ina dish! I’ll get it tomorrow!” … It’s like that.There are things out there that are scary! You knowwhat I’m talking about! It used to be herpes. Peoplegoing, [frightened] “Herpes!” Now people are goin’,like, [casually] “I’ve got herpes simplex!” “I’ve gotherpes complex!” “I’ve got herpes duplex!” No! Thatdoesn’t scare you any more! …

No! These diseases have been out there for a longtime! If you look at the history of them, they’ve beenthere for four thousand years! If you realize thatsyphilis came from sheep four thousand years ago–!Which makes you think four thousand years ago, therewas some shepherd that went, [as ancient shepherd, todeparting friends] “No, no. The rest of you go totown, I’ll be okay!” … [applause] What? And all thehealthy sheep are goin’ [as fleeing sheep] “I’m out o’here, man!” You know? … And there’s one sheep going,[coughs, points to himself] “Me?” [as the crazedshepherd] “Yeah!” No! And some people think that AIDSmight have come from a monkey in central Africaseventy years ago. Which makes you think that therewas some explorer, seventy years ago, went, [Britishaccent] “No, no. The rest of you go to town, I’ll beokay!” … The scary thought is that, right now,somewhere in the Midwest, there’s some little farm boygoin’ [deranged Midwestern accent] “I’m just goin’ togo clean the chicken coop, Daddy!” …

You’ve gotta realize that– You’ve gotta realize thatit’s out there! It’s scary but, hey! What are ya leftwith? If you don’t go out there and do what you do,what’re ya gonna do? Gonna be at home alone? You’regonna be at home alone, just sittin’ there with yourX-rated movie. Yes, I know. People who do it, singlepeople are goin’ “Yeah, Robin, I’ve rented CycleSluts from Hell. Okay.” … But why – why do theyalways have to be so BADLY ACTED?! Why? It’s alwayssomebody going [unenthusiastic porn actor] “Oh, yes.You know I want it. I’ve got it for you, baby.” …And there’s always some woman going [unenthusiasticporn actress touching breasts] “Oh, these are for you.Do me. Here we go. Oh, yes.” … She’s bored! Shelooks like she’s just out of it! Why CAN’T THEY HAVE[British accent] a classically trained Shakespeareanporno actor?! … A combination of Sir Laurence andHarry Reems! … Then you’ll have a movie! …Then, they’ll come out and go, [enthusiasticShakespearean porn actor] “Elizabeth! I will part youlike the Red Sea! … [cheers and applause] There wego! For this, I do cry now: I shall make you moremoist than Manila in the monsoon season! … I willdrive you thus and say WE HAVE ARRIVED! AND NOW, FORENGLAND, CRY ANON!”

We have a great show! We got James Taylor! Stay rightaround! [cheers and applause]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Tom Hanks: 02/20/88: Delivery Room

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Delivery Room

Doctor…..Tom Hanks
Expectant Father…..Dana Carvey
Second Doctor…..Jon Lovitz
Expectant Mother…..Victoria Jackson

[ open on Expectant Father standing outside the delivery room ]

Doctor: [ from inside the delivery room ] Okay, now! Now! Push! Push! Come on, you can do it! Push! Push!

[ Expectant Father runs into the delivery room to find Expectant Mother pushing a hospital bed against the wall ]

Doctor: Harder now! Keep pushing! Good! Now, lay on the bed. Excuse me, sir, I thought we told you to wait outside.

Expectant Father: Alright, I’ll wait outside. Okay. [ is pushed outside ] I’ll wait here. [ paces floor ] [ the sound of crying can be heard ]

Second Doctor: You can do it, Doctor! You can deliver this baby!

[ Expectant Father rushes into the delivery room to find the Doctor crying and being consoled by a second doctor ]

Doctor: No! I can’t! I can’t do it!

Second Doctor: Hey! Sir! Would you please wait outside?

Expectant Father: Okay.. okay.. I’ll wait outside.. [ is pushed back outside ] I know.. I know.. [ paces the floor ]

Expectant Mother: Oh! Oh, Doctor, it’s beautiful, it’s so beautiful!

[ Expectant Father rushes back into the delivery room to find the Doctor showing off a painting of his to the Expectant Mother ]

Doctor: Thank you, you really think so? You see what I tried to do with the distance? I did some shading here, way off in the back.. Sir! Please!

Expectant Father: Okay, I’ll wait outside.. [ is pushed back outside ] Okay, I’ll wait out here.. [ paces ]

Doctor: [ exits from the delivery room ] I’m afraid we have some bad news.

Expectant Father: What?! What is it?!

Doctor: Well.. we just can’t come up with an ending for this sketch. We can’t keep going on and on with these lame jokes, and the whole premise was pretty flimsy to begin with.

Expectant Father: Well, yeah, but what about my wife?

Doctor: Oh, she’s fine. She had a baby boy.

[ Expectant Mother is wheeled out with the baby in her arms ]

Expectant Father: Oh, honey!

Expectant Mother: Isn’t he wonderful?

Doctor: Now, if you’ll take my advice, you’ll both get in your car and drive away from this sketch just as fast as possible.

Expectant Father: But, what about, uh.. you?

Doctor: Oh, I’ll be fine. I’m in another sketch over there, it’s much, much better than this one.

Expectant Father: We won’t forget this Doctor.

Doctor: Oh, I think you will. So long. Goodbye, you poorly developed characters, you!

[ SUPER: “The End” ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Carl Weathers: 01/30/88

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 10

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

January 30th, 1988

Carl Weathers

Robbie Robertson



Bob Odenkirk
BushWhacked!Recurring Characters: George Bush.


Carl Weathers’ MonologueBio: Carl Weathers (1948-). Actor; brief career as a linebacker with the Oakland Raiders, 1970-71; best remembered as Apollo Creed in the “Rocky” film series, 1976-85.

Cameos: 03b.

Handi-OffSummary: Office employee Sheila (Victoria Jackson) seeks a product that will resolve the problem she faces by having extra digits.

Note: Repeat from: 12/05/87.

The NFL Today

Democratic Debate ’88Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson.


Mother-In-Law Shootout

Robbie Robertson performs “Testimony”Bio: Robbie Robertson (1943-). Musician; he was the primary songwriter for The Band, until their dissolution in 1978; began his solo career in 1987.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerTranscript

Actress & Pimp

Robbie Robertson performs “Somewhere Down The Crazy River”

Master Thespian Meets Ching ChangeRecurring Characters: Master Thespian, Ching Change.

“The Garden”


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Tom Hanks: 02/20/88: Girl Watchers A Go Go

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Girl Watchers A Go Go

Girl Watcher #1…..Tom Hanks
Girl Watcher #2…..Jon Lovitz
Other Girl Watcher…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on the Girl Watchers standing on a street corner, as a woman walks past ]

Girl Watcher #1: Oh, yes!

Girl Watcher #2: Yes, indeed!

Girl Watcher #1: 49th and First. Excellent corner for scoping out the babes!

Girl Watcher #2: You said a mouthful!

Girl atcher #1: Whoa! Stop the presses! [ points at woman approaching ]

Girl Watcher #2: What have we here?

Girl Watcher #1: Hel-lo! [ the woman walks past without even blinking ] Good-bye..

Girl Watcher #2: Oh, yes.

Girl Watcher #1: Not interested in me at all.

Girl Watcher #2: No reaction whatsoever.

Girl Watcher #1: You know it, brother. Way too pretty for this hombre.

Girl Watcher #2: Yeah.. Oh, boy.. here comes another live one.

Girl Watcher #1: Mama mia!

Girl Watcher #2: Hel-lo! [ the woman walks past without even blinking ] Good-bye.

Girl Watcher #1: Oh, yeah.

Girl Watcher #2: Out of my league.

Girl Watcher #1: Mine, too.

Girl Watcher #2: Boy.. wouldn’t give me the time ‘o day.

Girl Watcher #1: Well, lookie here!

Girl Watcher #2: Oh.. me likes what me sees.

Girl Watcher #1: Good evening. [ the woman walks past without even blinking ] And good night.

Girl Watcher #2: Yow! Not even eye contact.

Girl Watcher #1: The ladies just don’t like me.

Girl Watcher #2: To say the least.

Girl Watcher #1: My face is just too wide.

Girl Watcher #2: Yeah, and my hairline can’t be helping, either.

Girl Watcher #1: I’d be hurt and disappointed if it didn’t happen so often.

Girl Watcher #2: So true.

Girl Watcher #1: Whoa! Babe alert!

Girl Watcher #2: Oh, yes. [ the woman walks past without even blinking ] Oh, no..

Girl Watcher #1: Like we didn’t even exist.

Girl Watcher #2: Completely indifferent.

Girl Watcher #1: Yes.

Girl Watcher #2: She wasn’t even that attractive. But still out of my reach. A sad comment on my life.

Girl Watcher #1: Yours and mine both. The good Lord gave me this body, and there ain’t no changing it now.

Girl Watcher #2: A-men!

Girl Watcher #1: Yeah, this ol’ head’s just way out of proportion for this body.

Girl Watcher #2: And these eyebrows come together in the most unappealing way.

Girl Watcher #1: Tru-ly sad.

Girl Watcher #2: Okay, here we go. Bottom of the ninth, two outs, full count.

Together: Strike Three!

Girl Watcher #2: So, we are out!

Girl Watcher #1: Why did we even try? We have little sense of fashion, and we can’t even lure them weith money.

Girl Watcher #2: No way. We’ve got low-paying jobs with no hope for advancement.

Girl Watcher #1: And worse yet, I make poor conversation.

Girl Watcher #2: I.. hear ya!

Other Girl Watcher: [ walks up ] Hey, excuse me, fellas, but this is my corner!

Girl Watcher #1: No problem, amigo. We were just calling it quits.

Other Girl Watcher: No luck?

Girl Watcher #2: You know it.

Other Girl Watcher: I’d make fun of you guys, but I am just one sad sack myself.

Girl Watcher #1: Small consolation.

Girl Watcher #2: Oh, yeah.

[ the first two Girl Watchers exit the scene ]

Other Girl Watcher: Let the games commence!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Carl Weathers: 01/30/88: Democratic Debate ’88

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 10

87j: Carl Weathers / Robbie Robertson

Democratic Debate ’88

Pat Schroeder…..Nora Dunn
Gary Hart…..Dennis Miller
Michael Dukakis…..Jon Lovitz
Al Gore…..Kevin Nealon
Jesse Jackson…..Carl Weathers
Paul Simon…..Al Franken
Bruce Babbitt…..Phil Hartman
Richard Gephardt…..Dana Carvey

Announcer: From the Failing Farmer Auditorium in Des Moines, Iowa, it’s the.. [ sigh ] ..43rd debate of the 1988 Democratic candidates for president, brought to you by the 6th grade class of Counsel Bluff Elementary School. And here’s tonight’s moderator, Colorado congresswoman Pat Schroeder.

Pat Schroeder: Thank you! I’m Pat Schroeder.. as you know, I was almost a candidate for President myself, and when I withdrew from the race, I cried. I would like to apolgize, and I would like to say, as a woman and a Democrat, I no longer respond to stressful situations that way. [ suddenly laughs hysterically ] Let’s meet our candidates, and please hold your applause until the end for Al Gore and Gary Hart, who are unpopular here in Iowa. [ pan to Michael Dukakis ] ..Massachusetts Governor, Michael Dukakis.. [ pan to Paul Simon ] ..Senator Paul Simon.. [ pan to Bruce Babbitt ] ..former Arizona Governor Bruce Babbitt.. [ pan to Richard Gephardt ] ..MissouriCongressman Richard Gephardt.. [ pan to Al Gore ] ..Senator Albert Gore, Jr., of Tennessee.. [ pan to Jesse Jackson ] ..the Reverand Jesse Jackson.. [ pan to Gary Hart ] ..and former Colorado Senator Gary Hart. We’ll begin with you, Senator Hart. Now, I’m not going to ask you about.. you know what.

Gary Hart: No. What?

Pat Schroeder: Well.. you know..

Gary Hart: You mean my new ideas?

Pat Schroeder: No.

Gary Hart: You mean my plan to revitalize the economy?

Pat Schroeder: No.

Gary Hart: Well, then, I.. I.. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Pat Schroeder: I’m talking about your dalliances with a Miami model, and your implausible response to the exposure, and your subsequent withdrawal from the race, and your recent re-entry.

Gary Hart: I cannot believe you brought that up! I admitted I made a mistake, and I’m not going to answer that question!

Pat Schroeder: Well.. [ starts to cry, but then breaks out intohysterical laughter ] Okay! Alright.. Now.. Governor Dukakis, your critics are doubting your ability to translate the Massachusetts Miracle to the rest of the nation. When you first came to Iowa, you suggested that the farmers try growing a different crop.. and you cited as your example, Belgian endive. Do you still feel that Belgian endive still is the answer to Iowa’s economy?

Michael Dukakis: Pat, each of us here tonight is asking for America’s leadership and trust, allowing us to lead the country. And I don’t think you can lead without a vision.. and I have a vision for America. I see purple mountains over Decchio; I see wooden valleys over Rugala; I see Escarol from sea to shining.. [ timer sounds ] ..sea. I know I’m running out of time, so let me conclude that with direction, purpose, a little oil and vinegar, and maybe some feta cheese, there is nothing we cannot do. Thank you.

Pat Schroeder: Now, Senator Gore, your wife Tipper has led the fight to censor offensive rock and roll lyrics and videos. At the same time, you have admitted that while you and Tipper were in college, you smoked pot. My question to you is: What on Earth were you listening to when you were smoking the marijuana?

Al Gore: [ tongue hanging out ] Uh.. Pink Floyd. I was wondering if I could use the rest of my time to express my views on arms control and stronger defense.

Pat Schroeder: I’m sorry, you will have to use your time to answer the question which is posed.

Al Gore: Okay. [ paused ] It was “Dark Side of the Moon”. And I’ve admitted to smoking pot, and a lot of people have made the same mistake, and will never, ever do it again.

Pat Schroeder: Uh.. Reverand Jackson..

Jesse Jackson: Yes, Pat.

Pat Schroeder: You’ve advocated huge cuts in defense spending – I admire that. But won’t that weaken us militarily?

Jesse Jackson: Well, Pat, we have a strong military defense. Wehave guided missiles, but misguided policies. We have minesweepers in the Persian Gulf, but there’s a great need for drugsweepers in the Gulf of Mexico. Economically, we must stop the process of merging, purging and submerging – merging corporations, purging works, submerging our economy. We have in this country welfare and tailcare, when we should have workfare and childcare. From the poorhouse to the courthouse, from the state house to the White House; if not now, when? If not me, who? If not.. I’m sorry, Pat, what was that question?

Pat Schroeder: Senator Simon.. why the bow tie?

Paul Simon: Pat.. my advisorrrs.. have been begging me for yearrrs.. to get rid of the bow tieee. But with Paul Simon, what you seeee is what you get.. and I’m not about to chage my bow tieee to please some media advisorrr. And sooo.. I wearrr.. the bow tieee. And I think the American people want a president who’s not afraid to say, “I am who I ammm.. bow tieee and all.” [ timer sounds ] Uh.. may I finish? [ Pat nods ] So that’s why I wearrr.. the bow tieee. Thank you.

Pat Schroeder: Thank you. Governor Babbitt, you have said that you would raise taxes in order to save the deficit. Isn’t that what we heard from Walter Mondale in 1984?

Bruce Babbitt: [ speedtalks ] Well, Pat, I think America’s ready for some honest talk! [ stands ] Now who else on this platform will say they’re willing to increase taxes to save this deficit! [ no one stands ] Okay, who here will stand up in favor of universal daycare! [ Simon and Jackson stand ] Alright, how about for the rights of homosexuals in the workplace, including the military! [ most of the candidates begin to stand, but then quickly take their seat as the question continues ] Alright, a manned mission to Mars, who’ll stand up for a manned mission to Mars! [ timer sounds ]

Pat Schroeder: Thank you, Governor. Now, on the Congressman Richard Gephardt. Your critics have called your trade bill “protectionist”. How do you respond to that?

Richard Gephardt: Well, Pat, I believe in fair trade, but I alsobelieve in fair trade. The bill I sponsored in Congress will..

[ as Gephardt speaks, the other candidates express their inner thoughtsto themselves ]

Jesse Jackson’s Thoughts: Boy, he’s not funky at all.

Al Gore’s Thoughts: I wonder if my hair’s out of place. It’s hanging right over my forehead. [ moves his hair ] There! Got it!

Gary Hart’s Thoughts: [ staring into the audience ] Oh, yeah! Third row, she’s a fox! Yeah.. you baby.. uh-huh..

Michael Dukakis’ Thoughts: Maybe I shouldn’t be President.. nah!Yeah, I should!

Paul Simon’s Thoughts: I think I scored biggg.. on the bow tieee..

Bruce Babbitt’s Thoughts: I wonder if I’m still in that room at the Holiday Inn, or if they switched me to the Ramada..

Pat Schroeders Thoughts: You’re doing great, if you can just keep from crying..

Richard Gephardt’s Thoughts: [ as he continues to speak ] Uh-oh.. I’m losing my concentrating, and I’m.. heading to the ceiling..

Richard Gephardt: ..and really, in closing, that’s what I thinkthat you seserve.

Pat Schroeder: Thank you, gentlemen. I’m sorry that we’re all out of time, because you all have to go to Davenport for the next Democratic debate. I’m Pat Schroeder, I’m honored to be here. I thank all of you for sharing your views. Goodnight!

Announcer: Now stay tuned for the 28th debate of the Republicancandidates, from Cap’s Oil Well Arena in Houston, Texas.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Tom Hanks: 02/20/88: Casey Kasem Sings The Beatles

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Casey Kasem Sings The Beatles

Casey Kasem…..Dana Carvey

Announcer: You’ve heard him introduce hit music for two decades, and now available for a limited time only, M-Tel Records presetns “Casey Kasem Sings The Beatles”!

Casey Kasem: [ singing in monotone ] “Here comes the sun, and doo-doo-doo-doo. Here comes the sun, and I say it’s alright.”

Announcer: That’s right – Casey will sing all your Beatles favorites. Who can forget this classic:

Casey Kasem: “Let me take you down, ’cause I’m going to Strawberry Fields. Nothing is real, and nothing to get hung about.”

Announcer: You’ll get “Penny Lane”, “A Day In The Life”, “She Loves You”, “Elenoir Rigby, and no Beatles album would be complete without this favorite:

Casey Kasem: “Helter Skelter – bon-a-non-a-non-a-non! Helter Skelter – bon-a-non-a-non-a-non! Helter Skelter – bon-a-non-a-non-a-non! Boing!

Announcer: Casey hopes you’ll enjoy this album of his favorite Beatles song. We think you’ll agree they’re fab!

Casey Kasem: “I am the Eggman. They are the Eggman. I am the Walrus. Coo-coo-ca-choo ca-coo-ca-choo ca-coo-ca-choo!”

Announcer: Just send $19.95 to Casey Kasem Sings The Beatles, care of Casey Productions, 100 Hollywood Boulevard, Hollywood, California. $1 for postage and handling.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Carl Weathers: 01/30/88: Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 10

87j: Carl Weathers / Robbie Robertson

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
…..Victoria Jackson
…..A. Whitney Brown

Music Intro: “Phantom of the Opera”

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with your anchorperson, The Phantom of the Update.

[ shows Dennis in darkness, wearing mask from “The Phantom of the Opera ]

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you? [ lights go on, Dennis takes off his mask, organ music stops ] Nah, come on, you didn’t think I’d do the whole news wearing this thing, did you, huh? [ Dennis turns his face, revealing a scar under where the mask was ]

Okay, I’m sure by now that you’re all familiar with the Broadway show about a tormented madman who lurks beneath a Paris operahouse. I myself am more interested in a news show about tormented talkshow viewers who are tortured by a large talkative black woman five times a week. It’s called “Phantom of the Oprah”, and it opens with a national tour this spring.

Dennis Miller: [ shows his scar ] Come on now, you didn’t think I’d do the whole news with this thing, did you now? It’s just a fake scar, the makeup guy told me I could pull it right off.. [ pulls it off, with much difficulty ] That hurt! [ surprised ] That really hurt! [ holds up his arm ] Acting! [ audience applauds ] Oh, thank you for kinda liking that.

You know, the Soviet Union has just introduced two new breakfast cereals honoring its leader and first lady. They’re called Raisa Bran and Gorba Chex, and They will be on the U. S. market late summer.

President Reagan will ask Congress to establish cash awards for inventions, and the first $10,000 award will go to Admiral John Poindexter for that Iran story he came up with.

The Israeli government, looking for a way to ease Palestinean unrest is hoping to open the Gaza Strip to casino gambling. Moe Green, head of the Israeli gaming comission says, “Licensed gambling will bring jobs, revenue, and big-name entertainment to the strip. Green went on to say “If you are going to the Gaza Strip, bring your riot shield and your Visa card because they don’t take prisoners, and they don’t take American Express.”

Two brothers from New Jersey were kept from reporting a 1982 UFO encounter until yesterday. For fear that no one would believe him, they told reporters that they were beamed from inside their car to a sphere-shaped spacecraft. Once inside, they were probed with space needles, and forced to have sex with a woman that they can now positively identify as Jessica Hahn.

Dennis Miller: And now with a sociological introspective, here is news correspondant Victoria Jackson.

Victoria Jackson: Thank you. [ stands up ] “The Life of a Table” by Victoria Jackson.

[ forms a backbend on the Weekend Update desk, imitating a table ]

“The life of a table is not grand,
You place things on me when holding your hand.
Cold, hot, and wet things, smelly things and more.
I’m a useful convenience whose life is a bore.
I’ve got four legs.”

[lifts up her arms and legs, one at a time]

“There’s places that I want to go,
But I’m stiff as a board, so I travel too slow.”

[ moves around the desk, still backbended ]

“The life of a table is not so great, but I must say,
I’ve never known another life, so I guess mine is okay.”


[ lifts up right leg, goes back down from the desk ]

Thank you.

Dennis Miller: Thanks, Victoria. Thank you. [ she exits ] You know, if we were married, I’d never leave the apartment.

Well, tomorrow is Super Bowl XXII, and if you’re asking me for a predicyion, I believe that Webster and Gary Coleman will marry the Landers sisters, and tour the country as a bizarre trapeze act.

Disaster struck a New York harbor this week when a disabled supertanker spilled 10,000,000 gallons of Yoo-Hoo chocolate drink into the Hudson River. Scientists are unable to predict what the effect the spill will have on the local ecology, since no one is really quite sure what Yoo-Hoo is made of.

Here’s an update on that Amtrak accident this week: Amtrak officials this time are blaming a disgruntled employee who evidently painted the opening of a tunnel on the side of a mountain. The accused switchman, one William M. Coyote, is still missing.

Dennis Miller: And now, here to set sail on the boundless ocean of ignorance and a lifeboat of oversimplification, is A. Whitney Brown with The Big Picture.

A Whitney Brown: Thank you, Dennis. Well, this week the Big Picture is a bullet-popped fresco on a prison wall in Jerusalem. Arab against Jew is nothing new, I know, but this time at least, the Jews have the rules of the playground on their side. Scissors beat paper, rocks beat scissors, tanks beat rocks. And the Palestinians are as pissed off as pyromaniacs in a petrified forest. So, they’re throwing rocks. The Israelis can break hands all day long, but there’s always going to be more pitchers in the Palestinian Bullpen. I know, here in America we’re supposed to be on the side of the Israelis, because, you know, they owe us money. But, if they claim to be a free country, they oughtta act like one. You know, use firehoses and dogs like we did in Alambama. I understand Israel’s in a tough situation. They’re surrounded by sworn enemies, in fear of their lives, and as paranoid as pole-watchers in Haiti. Their country is smaller than Long Island and it has a lower percentage of Jews as well. But this racial hatred between Jews and Arabs seems a little confusing, because, they don’t seem all that different to the rest of the world. If it wasn’t for the Jews being right all the time, I wouldn’t be able to tell them apart. On the other hand, I can see why Palestinians would have a beef. A bad attitude comes easy to a man who lives in a refugee camp in his own country. You know, this whole racism thing is.. almost sad, in a way, sort of, when you think about it. But the Israelis say this breaking of bones is nothing personal against Palestinians in general, it’s just an example of what they could do if they didn’t like them. They also say if somebody has a better idea or a better solution, they shouldn’t judge, so let me just throw this out. Crucifixtion. If you really want to set an example, it’s something that people really remember. And that, my friends, is a helpful suggestion from the muddy montage in history that makes up the Big Picture. Goodnight.

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Whitney.

Columbia Records made marketing history this week, when it released George Michaels’ latest album “Faith” on digital I.U.D.

Amid reports that he wed debutante Cornelia Guest, Sylvester Stallone has announced that he has plans to begin a new film project in February, an autobiographical look at his first two marriages. The film, to be entitled “Rocky”, is set for release later this year.

Sarah Ferguson is pregnant and will give birth this August. London bookies say that the best bet is that the child will be named either George or Elizabeth, and give 3 to 1 odds on those two names. The longshots are Schlomo or Yetta.

And in Punxsutawnee, Pennsylvania this Tuesday, composer Andrew Lloyd Weber will come out of his hole, see his shadow, crawl back into his hole, and we won’t have to hear from him for another year.

Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here!

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justine Bateman: 02/13/88

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 11

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

February 13th, 1988

Justine Bateman

Terence Trent D’Arby


Dan Aykroyd

Tom Davis
Republican Debate ’88Summary: Bob Dole (Dan Aykroyd) asserts authority over his fellow Republicans during their first debate for their party’s 1988 election nomination.

Recurring Characters: Pat Schroeder, George Bush, Bob Dole, Pat Robertson.



Justine Bateman’s MonologueSummary: Justine Bateman tells the morbid story of St. Valentine.

Bio: Justine Bateman (1966-). Actress; portrayed Mallory Keaton on TV series “Family Ties”, 1982-89; started her own fashion dsign company in 2000; her younger brother is actor Jason Bateman.


Family TiesSummary: Justine Bateman introduces the latest upcoming very special flashback of “Family Ties,” which looks back on past very special flashback episodes and the Keaton Family’s favorite episode of “The Jeffersons.”


Learning to FeelSummary: Psychologist Denie Venetti (Nora Dunn) continues to advise her guests to look at themselves.

Recurring Characters: Denise Venetti, Neil Simmons.

Terrance Trent D’Arby performs “Wishing Well”Bio: Terence Trent D’Arby (1962-). Singer-songwriter; legally changed his name to Sananda Maitreya in 2001.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Al Franken demonstrates how his one-man mobile uplink equipment operates for his report on the weather at the New Hampshire primary, even as the equipment weighs him down.

Derek Stevens in LoveSummary: Derek Stevens (Dana Carvey) is recording mroe than songs than ever, thanks to his muse of a girlfriend (Justine Bateman). But the well may run dry when she tires of him constantly referencing their lives in his new songs.

Recurring Characters: Derek Stevens.


In and Out, Nobody Gets HurtSummary: In 1929, Bugsy (Kevin Nealon) tries to explain his foolproof bank robbery plan to his gang, but they can’t seem to grasp the concept of getting in and out so that nobody gets hurt.

Terrance Trent D’Arby performs “Under My Thumb”

Laughing at LindaSummary: Michael’s (Jon Lovitz) ditzy young girlfriend, Linda (Justine Bateman), is convinced that his well-to-do friends are making fun of her behind her back.


Friday Night VideosSummary: Justine Bateman struggles to make awkward small talk with her out-of-place guest host, George F. Will (Dana Carvey).

Recurring Characters: George F. Will.



SNL Transcripts