SNL Transcripts: Judge Reinhold: 02/27/88: Wilson Trap Doors

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 13

87m: Judge Reinhold / 10,000 Maniacs

Wilson Trap Doors

Mr. Carruthers…..Jon Lovitz
Accountant…..Phil Hartman
Employee…..Dana Carvey
Salesman…..A. Whitney Brown
Detective…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on Mr. Carruthers’ office, as his Accountant paces in front of the desk across a very obvious trap door ]

Announcer: Not all trap doors are created equally.

Accountant: Jerry, I was just looking over your financial report. And there are some very strange entries. I thought they might —

[ Mr. Carruthers hand reaches for a button below his desk that activates his trap door ]

Announcer: Some trap doors don’t respond fast enough.

[ the accountant continues to pace over the trap door, which fails to activate ]

Accountant: For instance – what is this Bahamas thing?

[ Mr. Carruthers repeatedly presses the button. As the accountant steps away from the trap door, it finally swings open. The accountant gives Mr. Carruthers a dirty look, as he smiles back meekly. ] [ dissolve to second scenario – Mr. Carruthers standing behind his desk as he speaks on the phone ]

Mr. Carruthers: Yes. How about this weekend?

Announcer: Others don’t spring open cleanly.

[ an angry employee rushes through the door, clearly the husband of the woman Mr. Carruthers was speaking to on the phone ]

Employee #1: Jerry! I know about you and my wife!

[ Mr. Carruthers slams down the receiver and presses the trap door button. The trap door opens slowly under the employee’s feet. ]

Employee #1: Hey! Hey, what the heck’s going on?! What are you — ? Hey! Hey!

[ Mr. Carruthers kicks the employee down the rest of the way ] [ dissolve to third scenario – Mr. Carruthers sitting at his desk as another employee enters ]

Announcer: Some aren’t even structurally sound to begin with.

Employee #2: Mr. Carruthers, I have this — [ he steps over trap door, which collapses from his weight ] [ Mr. Carruthers pounds on his desk in frustration ] [ dissolve to fourth scenario – a salesman showing a series of faucets to Mr. Carruthers ]

Announcer: And some are totally unpredictable.

Salesman: — I can give you an excellent price on —

[ Mr. Carruthers presses the trap door button, which opening trap door backwards, sending the salesman flying across the room. Mr. Carruthers again pounds his desk in the frustration, as the trap doors rock back and forth. ] [ dissolve to Wilson Trap Door technicians installing one of their trap doors in Mr. Carruther’s office, as they explain the mechanisms to him ]

Announcer: But with Wilson Trap Doors, you get perfect droppage time after time, thanks to a patented dual-firing mechanism.

Mr. Carruthers: Fantastic. And it’s guaranteed?

Technician: Absolutely guaranteed.

[ dissolve to later, as a detective standing in front of Mr. Carruthers’ desk ]

Detective: Mr. Carruthers, I’d like to ask you to come downtown and answer a few questions. [ holds up his badge ] [ Mr. Carruthers presses the trap door button, and the Detective drops down cleanly. Mr. Carruthers smiles. ] [ dissolve to Wilson logo ]

Announcer: Wilson Trap Doors. Because with Wilson, it’s outta sight.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Tom Hanks: 02/20/88: The Pat Stevens Show

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

The Pat Stevens Show

Pat Stevens…..Nora Dunn
Elizabeth Dole…..Jan Hooks
Barbara Bush…..Phil Hartman

Announcer: It’s “The Pat Stevens Show”, with your host, Pat Stevens.

Pat Stevens: Thank you! Hello, everybody, I’m Pat Stevens, welcome to “The Pat Stevens Show”! Now, Winter’s still here, and we’re weary, but Vogue tells us: Think Spring. That’s a good thing to think, isn’t it? Let’s do it. [ faux thinks ] Okay. I’ll tell you what I was thinking – softening the facial palette and toning the legs. Now, I’ve already lightened my palette, so let’s work on the legs, shall we? It’s a toning exercise, using our Vogue, so we’re going to extend the legs, flex the heels, and we’re ready.. to lift. And lift, and lift, and lift.. feel the burn.. and lift, and lift, and lift.. boring down, it’s not so easy.. raising it now.. and lift, and lift, and lift.. when it hurts, it helps. Let it burn. Hold it up isometrical. And exhale, blow it out and shake it out! Ooh, I feel good. Ladies, remember: no pain, no gain. So, we are ready to meet our guests today. Very, very special ladies, they are the Republican First-Lady hopefuls, running neck and neck. Welcome, please, Barbara Bush and Elizabeth Dole.

[ they come out and sit ]

It’s so nice having you both – of course, Elizabeth, you and I are old friends. And, Barbara.. well. I’d like to congratulate George on his starling victory in New Hampshire, he’s doing well in the south, he’s had a wonderful reign as Vice-President.. tell me – are you proud of your son?

Barbara Bush: Pat.. George is not my son, he’s my husband.

Pat Stevens: Oh, heavens! I guess I dropped a fly in your soup! Well, she looks so much older, I hardly think it’s my faux pas! I turn now to Elizabeth Dole – now, you and your husband have written a remarkable book.

Elizabeth Dole: Well, gosh, yes.. thank you, Pat. It’s entitled “The Doles: Unlimited Partners”. Because, Past, that’s what we are. It’s about our lives, and we’ve dealed with being a dual-career couple. Now, I am a career woman. I graduated from Duke University, studied at Oxford, got a law degree from Harvard University. I served in the Nixon and Reagan administrations, I was Officer of Human Affairs, I was Head of the Federal Trade Commission, and I was, of course, Public Liasion to President Reagan before I became Transportation Secretary. And now, I’m just helping my husband campaign.

Pat Stevens: Heavens! Have they ever called you Wonder Woman?

Elizabeth Dole: Aren’t you sweet?

Pat Stevens: That’s terrific! Barbara, I understand you’ve written a book about the family cocker spaniel, and you’re working on a rug.

Barbara Bush: Yes.. I have been needle-pointing a 14-foot rug for some time, on and off. The book is just something I work on occasionally, for fun. But I’m most interested in my work to combat literacy, and my involvement in support of the arts. I’ve raised five children –

Pat Stevens: That’s enough to turn anybody’s hair grey! I’d like to get back to Elizabeth, and your book.

Well, now, Pat.. it’s not just my book, it’s Bob’s, too, that’s really the point of the whole thing! And I’d like to share some of my advice for dual career couples, if I may.

Pat Stevens: Oh, my runway is yours!

Elizabeth Dole: Oh, thank you, Pat! Okay, here we go. #1: Have as many special times as you can. #2: Don’t allow work to crowd out the really important things. #3: Travel together as often as you can. #4: Men, send flowers.

Pat Stevens: Bravo! It’s about time somebody said it!

Elizabeth Dole: Well, I’m glad it was me! [ laughs ] #5: Women, leave little notes around the house.

Pat Stevens: You know, I do that. And I live alone! I tell you, it works. I leave little notes to myself all around the house – “You look terrific”, “Have a nice day!”, “Check your thighs.” I’m telling you, it works like a charm!

Elizabeth Dole: You know, it is the little things that count, Pat. I’m sure Barbara knows that.

Barbara Bush: Well, it’s important to stay together. I’ve been traveling with George this year, and I’ve enjoyed it, it rather surprised me, it was like going on a vacation, and –

Pat Stevens: Well, I’m sorry to cut your vacation short, but please do come back.. and.. freshen up that facial palette, live a little! Elizabeth, you are a gem, great having you. I’m Pat Stevens.

Elizabeth Dole: Oh, I think I forgot to mention Point #6: Talk on the phone.

Pat Stevens: Oh, well that’s self-explanatory!

Announcer: You’ve been watching “The Pat Stevens Show”, with your host, Pat Stevens.

SNL Transcripts