Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with your anchorperson, Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?
Congressman Richard Gephardt has posted a $5,000 reward for the return of his eyebrows, which he says he lost on the campaign trail. The reward is in cash, and no questions will be asked.
Republicans George Bush and Jack Kemp were the only two candidates in last night’s Dallas, Texas debate. The other two remaining presidential contenders, Pat Robertson and Bob Dole, decided to just slug it out in the ring, saying the public was tired of hearing words, and craved a little action.
The winner was expected to fight Dan Rather at Caeser’s Palace in November.
You know who this is? Unbelievable. This is George Bush, Jr. He’s really so much better looking than his father, isn’t he? I mean, like a million trillion times, really. I betcha the old man hates him!
Since Ricky Skaggs endorsed Pat Robertson, political experts point to Robertson’s incredible showing with the Skagg vote in Iowa.
At this point, I’d like to make a correction. Last week I referred to Gary Hart as a presidential hopeful. He is an ex-Senator.
After throwing his support behind Bob Dole’s candidacy last week, Al Haig has been showing up at Dole rallies stinking drunk, demanding a little pocket money.
Dennis Miller: Well, the Olympics are stirring up a lot of excitement, and our own Kevin Nealon just returned from Calgary, and is here now with a firsthand report. Kevin?
Kevin Nealon: Thanks, Dennis. You know, it was really exciting, the Olympics. Now, I’m not an authority on the Winter Games, but just to be part of that whole, you know, environment was exhilirating. You know, even during the.. uh.. uh.. I want to say suppositories, but that, uh.. the preliminaries! Even during the preliminaries, it was exciting.
And Calgary is great, it was just jammed with people, too. I’m not a good judge on crowds, but I’d say there was.. 174 people there.. and, really, you couldn’t move! You know what I really liked, though, was the, uh.. the, uh.. I want to say breast-fed, but that’s not it.. uh.. the bobsled event. I was watching that, and those guys are crazy! They shoot down that thing! I’m not a good judge on speed, but they must be going at least.. 925 miles per hour. You know, they’re wearing those, uh.. I want to say Cocoa Puffs.. uh.. no.. helmets. They’re wearing helmets! And they’re going so fast, you know that even under those helmets their hair must be whiping back like crazy!
What scares me the most, though, is when the sled goes up on its side. It’s kind of like watching one of those, what do you call it.. I want to say lemon meringue.. catamaran! Like watching a catamaran. And you know what’s even crazier than the bobsled? I want to say luge.. but I don’t even think that’s a word!
Anyway, anyway.. as far as the United States winning some gold medals, all I can say is – it’s not over. There’s still a chance. It’s just like when Washington beat the Broncos in the Superbowl. you know, nobody thought that.. thought.. uh.. I’m not good with names.. I want to say Connie Chung, but she’s not, uh.. alright, just for the sake of finishing this, let’s just leave it at Connie Chung. nobody thought Connie Chung would be the first black quarterback to win a Superbowl. And, it’s the same thing with that Austrian.. uh.. Buddy Ebsen.. when he won the giant.. salmon.. four years ago, at the Winter Games in.. Sergio Leoni.
So there’s still hope. Back to you, Larry.
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Kevin. Thank you. Kevin Nealon.
In a surprise vote last night, the Senate approved a third term for President Reagan. However, they cancelled his first two terms, declaring them absolutely worthless.
Judge Anthony Kennedy took his place on the Supreme Court bench on Thursday. After the administration of the oath, the judges retired to a private party in their chambers, where Kennedy learned the secret handshake, chugged a pint of slow gin, and made the traditional run around the Lincoln Memorial wearing nothing but his robe and a brassiere.
A rival ministry has accused Rev. Jimmy Swaggert of adultery, claiming to have pictures of Swaggert leaving a hotel room with a known prostitute. Naturally, a multi-millionaire dollar slander suit has been filed – by the prostitute.
Even though Austrian President Kurt Waldheim has vowed not to step down, his party is readying a replacement – Sgt. Heinz Schultz. When asked about Nazi atrocity, Schultz replied, “I know nuthing! I see nuthing!”Dennis Miller: [ grabs piece of paper handed to him ] This just in: “There’s nothing in this piece of paper in my hand. It is just a prop to make the news look more authentic.”
This week, President Reagan sent Congress next year’s budget proposals, totalling nearly $1.1 trillion. For further explanation, here is “Weekend Update” correspondent Jon Lovitz. Hello, Jon.
Jon Lovitz: Thank you, Dennis! The national budget is so complicated, you have to be a genius to understand it. You also have to be important, famous and successful. You say you’re none of these? Well, then, I have one piece of advice for you – Get to know me!Get to know my likes, my dislikes. What makes me tick? What makes me me? What’s my favorite color? Do I always come to life in the Spring? Get to know me!
Now, here’s a letter from a man who lives in Manhatten: “Dear Jon, before I got to know you, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody. I didn’t have a cent to my name. In fact, I didn’t have a name – I couldn’t afford one. And then I got to know you, and today they call me Donald Trump!” Get to know me!
What do I do in my spare time? Have I always had this much hair? Where is my secret freckle? Get to know me!
Now, here’s a letter from a woman who lives in Europe: “Dear Jon, before I got to know you, I was nothing, nowhere, nobody. I had bad teeth and couldn’t afford braces. And then one day, I got to know you. Well, I never got those braces, but today they call me Queen Elizabeth!” Get to know me!
Now, here’s a letter from someone who didn’t get to know me: “Dear Blank, I didn’t get to know you, signed Nobody.” Now, I know some of you are probably thinking, “What a jerk!” Congratulations! You’re getting to know me! So, remember, if you want to get to know me, get to know me!
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Jon. Thank you. Thank you, Jon. You know, the really sick thing is, I know where his secret freckle is.
Once again, director Steven Spielberg was spurned by the Academy Award nominations. This week, Spielberg enlisted the aid of a close friend and former employee to express his feelings to the Academy.
You know, Chevy Chase is hosting this year’s Academy Awards show. And they told me this was a dead-end job.
Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here!