SNL Transcripts: Justine Bateman: 02/13/88: Republican Debate ’88

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 11

87k: Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D’arby

Republican Debate ’88

Pat Schroeder…..Nora Dunn
George Bush…..Dana Carvey
Bob Dole…..Dan Aykroyd
Jack Kemp…..Phil Hartman
Pat Robertson…..Al Franken
Pete Dupont…..Kevin Nealon

Announcer: Live, from the Old Curmudgeon Auditorium in Nashua, New Hampshire, it’s the.. oh, boy.. 53rd debate of the 1988 Republican Presidential candidates, sponsored tonight by the Disabled Yachtsmen of Portsland. And now, here’s your moderator, Colorado congresswoman Pat Schroeder.

Pat Schroeder: Thank you! Hi again, I’m Pat Schroeder, you know a lot of people were surprised when they heard that I was going to moderate the Republican Presidential debate, but, don’t worry, I’m not the Democratic pitbull; pitbulls don’t cry! [ laughs hysterically ] Okay.. let’s introduce our five candidates, and, please, hold your applause until the end, in fairness to Pete Dupont. Okay. George Bush, Vice-President of the United States; Jack Kemp, Congressman from New York; Pierre Dupont, former governor of Deleware; the Rev. Pat Robertson; and Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole, of Kansas. First, Vice-President Bush: your campaign attacked Sen. Dole in Iowa, calling him “mean-spirited”, and accusing his wife of financial misconduct. Obviously, this tactic didn’t work very well, and my question is, are you going to apologize?

George Bush: Well, first of all, let me say that Bob Dole and I are friends. And I never authorized a flyer that said that Bob Dole is mean-spirited, but I’m not going to disavow it, because I want to stay above the fray, on the high road. So, apologize? No. Above the fray? Yes.

Bob Dole: Can I say something here, Pat?

Pat Schroeder: Go ahead, Senator Dole.

Bob Dole: I don’t believe my good friend George Bush – he’s lying, he knows it, you know it, I know it, the people at home know it, the American people know it, we all know it. Now, it’s one thing to attack an opponent’s record in the heat of a campaign.. but when you come after an opponent’s wife, well, to me, that’s another thing! Now, my wife, Elizabeth Dole, ran the buses of this country for three years, so it’s not fair! Maybe if you have a wife of privilege, like George Bush, you don’t know that! You see, Bob Dole grw up in Kansas in a small farm town, he didn’t have the prep school education, or the sterling silverware, or the bumper pool table in the basement.. didn’t have the shower & massage with five-way adjustable heads.. or the sit-down lawnmower. Bob Dole didn’t have these things!

George Bush: Now, wait a minute, can I say something here?

Bob Dole: George, I’m not finished yet!

George Bush: Now, I’m not gonna back down..

Bob Dole: I know it, you know it, and the people here tonight know it.. the American people know it, we all know it.. Bob Dole, Republican candidate is gonna be the next President of the United States! So why don’t you just go back home to your summer home in Maine, your automatic garage door opener, your electric steak knife, and run around Kennenbunkport, Maine in your powerboat, while I take care of real issues in the White House!

George Bush: I’m not gonna stand for that, that’s a cheap shot right there!

Pat Schroeder: Please, gentlemen.. we’ll get back to you later, let’s turn to Jack Kemp. Jack, as much as anyone, you have been identified with supply-side economics. But have the supply-side caused these huge deficits, and since you’re offering simply more of the same, how od you plan to balance the budget?

Jack Kemp: Well, the whole thing boils down to leadership, Pat. You know, when I played quarterback for the old Buffalo Bills, I gave 110%, and that inspired the guys around me to give 110% or better. The same thing applies to this budget – with the proper leadership, you can get that budget to give 150%! That means that you can spend 80% on the military, 40% on education, and still have 30% left over for rebuilding our infrastructure!

Pat Schroeder: Let’s turn now to Pat Robertson. Pat?

Pat Robertson: Uh.. yes, Pat?

Pat Schroeder: [ laughs ] It’s easy to remember your name! Um.. Reverand Robertson, you bristled Monday when Tom Brokaw called you a television evangelist. Why?

Pat Robertson: Well, uh, Pat.. this is a deliberate attemt by the media to belittle me, and I’m just not gonna stand for it! I’ve been so many things besides a religious broadcaster – I’m a bnusinessman, I’m the president of the sixth largest cable TV network in the country, I’ve, uh.. I’ve mowed lawns.. I’ve been a babysitter.. I’ve, uh.. watched people’s homes while they’ve been on vacation.. I’ve been a caddy, at a country club, one of the largest country clubs in the state of Virginia.. and I think that the media, by ignoring these other positions I’ve had, and focusing on twenty-five odd years of my hosting an evangelical show, I think that’s just unfair, and it’s just religious bigotry!

Bob Dole: Now, come on, Pat, that’s jsut a load of bunk! You know, and I know, that you’re an old Bible-thumping, revival show con artist from way back, who claim to heal people. I’ll tell you something, Pat Robertson – you turn to me and heal my right arm, and I’ll be glad to step aside and let you be President of the United States!

George Bush: Pat, that last comment is what people are talking about when they say that Bob Dole is mean-spirited and wicked-tempered! You don’t want a man like Bob Dole, a hot head, in the White House with his finger on the nuclear button!

Bob Dole: Now, George Bush, don’t you call me wicked-tempered! I saw you slap a Senate page once, slap a page right to the ground – and a female one, at that!

George Bush: Yeah, she had it coming!

Pat Schroeder: Gentlemen, please.. please, gentlemen. Let’s now turn to Pete Dupont. Pete, you’ve been running on what you call “Damn Good Ideas”, like privatizing Social Security. Um.. they didn’t exactly catch on in Iowa. How exactly are the people of New Hampshire responding to your idea that teenagers should be tested for drugs before they can get a driver’s license?

Pete Dupont: Well, they love it, Pat, they do. They understand that it’s a damn good idea to link the privilege of driving with being drug-free. In fact, I’ve decided to expand the idea to Social Security. Now, I say tell our senior citizens, “You do drugs, you don’t get your Social Security check.” I mean, it’s just that simple.

Bob Dole: Can I say something, Pat? I don’t know what my good friend Pierre Dupont – and that’s your name; come on, it’s Pierre, not Pete, don’t go around telling people your name’s Pete when it’s Pierre – PIerre, I don’t know what you know about Social Security. I mean, Bob Dole didn’t grow up with a 150-foot yacht, I didn’t have the convertible for graduation, the sterling silver cocktail shaker, or the machine that tears the tennis balls at you..

George Bush: Now, wait a minute, wait a minute! Now, I’m getting sick of this! Why don’t you pick on someone your own size! I’m not gonna let you pick on my friend, Pierre, here! Noew, come on, Bob! You’re a millionaire, and I’m not sure all that money was made on the up-and-up!

Bob Dole: George, how would you like this pen stuck right in your neck?!

Pat Schroeder: Gentlemen, please..

George Bush: I’d like to see you try!

Bob Dole: I could take you with my one good arm, George Bush, and you know that! In a fair fight, you could use two!

Pat Schroeder: Please, gentlemen.. Gentlemen, we are nearing the end, and I’d like to ask one question and address it to each of you: you are all articulate and attracive candidates, but only one of you can win the Presidential nomination. Now, starting with Gov. Dupont, would you accept the second spot on the Republican ticket?

Pete Dupont: Uh, no, Pat, I have no interest in being the Vice-President. I don’t really want to spend the next four years going to funerals.

Pat Schroeder: Congressman Kemp?

Jack Kemp: Pat, absolutely not. I’ve been a quarterback, I have no interest in being the waterboy.

Pat Schroeder: Pat Robertson?

Pat Robertson: Uh, Pat, the anser is no. I’ve had so many different jobs, frankly, being called the Vice-President would make me as angry as being called a TV evangelist!

Pat Schroeder: Sen. Dole?

Bob Dole: Well, Pat, I think the people know the Vice-Presidency, to me, is just the lowest form of political exist! I think the only person I can think of who’s spineless enough to want to job is my good friend, George Bush!

Pat Schroeder: Mr. Bush?

George Bush: Well, Pat, I intedn to be the Presidential nominee of this party – let’s make that clear! But am I gonna stand here and rule out the Vice-Presidency? No! I’m the only one with the guts to say so. Why? Beause I think I make a damn good Vice-President! Because I’ve been there, I’ve done it! For eight years, and I could do it for eight more!

Pat Schroeder: Well, thank all of you for joining us. Remember, Tuesday is Primary Day, so all of you here in New Hampshire, remember: Vote Democrat! [ laughs ] Just kidding! No, not really! [ laughs again ] Good night, and thank all of you!

Bob Dole: Can I say something, Pat? Can I say something?

Pat Schroeder: Sen. Dole?

Bob Dole: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justine Bateman: 02/13/88: Derek Stevens in Love

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 11

87k: Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D’arby

Derek Stevens in Love

Derek Stevens…..Dana Carvey
Girlfriend…..Justine Bateman

[FADE IN on a tastefully decorated living room. Derek enters from the left and talks into a red “trimline” telephone.]

Derek: [in a heavy British accent] Hello, Michael? Michael, it’s me, Derek! Yes, Derek Stevens! That’s right! Well, I know ya haven’t heard from me in five years, but I’ve called to tell you that I’ve gotten over th’ block! Yes, I’m writing again, in fact, I can’t stop at all! I’m turnin’ out tune after tune, it’s fabulous! Well, y’know, they’re pretty much ballads, but… [pauses] Y’know, what it is, is, I’ve met this girl, y’know, and I think I’m in love with her. Wait–Michael, can you hear this? Hold on a second.

[Derek quickly puts the phone and receiver on top of an upright piano. He sits down and starts playing power ballad chords.]

Derek: [ singing ]She stops me,
She moves me,
She scorns me and approves me,
She’s my little baby,
She’s my little BABY,

[He jumps back up and picks up the phone again.]

Derek: I mean, what d’ya think, Michael, I mean, it’s fabulous, right? Right, it’s a bigger hit than “Choppin’ Broccoli” ever was! [pauses] Yes, and I’ve got lots more just like that! All right! We’ll talk! We’ll talk!

[He starts playing another chord.]

Derek: [singing] “We’re gonna talk! We’re goin’ to talk…”

[ENTER his girlfriend, looking frazzled and cradling a green mug in her hands.]

Derek: [into phone] Ciao, baby! [hangs up and turns to her] Good morning, love.

Girlfriend: Good morning–Derek, before we go any further, get away from the piano.

Derek: Right!

Girlfriend: Come, sit somewhere else–

[Derek rushes over and sits down right next to her, almost on her lap.]

Girlfriend: Don’t, no, no, NO! NOT on top of me–BACK, over there, somewhere, somewhere. Sit.

[She pushes him away, and he plops down in a canvas chair.]

Girlfriend: Derek? I want you to move out. It’s not working.

Derek: Oh, but it IS working. In two weeks I’ve known you, I’ve written over 139 songs.

[soft laughter]

Girlfriend: I know, I know, I know, I know. [stands up] Get out.

Derek: But I CAN’T get out, there’s a giant chemistry here. It’s like a humongous, monstrous, out-of-control vibe! Can’t you feel it? Remember last night when walked into the kitchen and threw that entire set of dishes at me? D’you remember that?

Girlfriend: I apologize.

Derek: No! DON’T apologize, just listen, listen!

[He turns back to the piano and starts playing again as she looks strung out.]

Derek: [ singing ]“She comes in unexpected,
And I stand unprotected,
And it comes flyin’ at me.
Her love comes FA-LY-IN’ at meeeee.
She’s my little baby,
She’s my little BABY,
She my little baby, hey, heyyyyy!”

Derek: [turns back to her] Don’t you see? You are MAGIC! You’re magic–you’re my Muse! Don’t you understand? I mean, every millenium, the gods open a porthole in the heavens, and a Muse descends to help out a mortal. Did you ever see the movie “Xanadu”?

Girlfriend: [looks clueless] My cable must have been out.

Derek: Well, in this film, Olivia Newton-John is sent by the gods to earth to help Gene Kelly open a roller rink. Don’t ya see? You’re sent to help my career get back on track!

Girlfriend: No, no, look, I had no idea who you were–I’ve never heard your records! A FRIEND told me you used to be Derek Stevens.

Derek: [gravely] Because of you, I’m going to live to be thirty.

Girlfriend: [stands up] Oh, please, I can’t accept that responsibility. Listen–Derek, listen to me, there’s something I have to say. It–this isn’t love. This is over. Okay? And you’re going to have to go on your way.

Derek: “You’re going to have to go on your way.”

Girlfriend: Yes.

Derek: “You–you–you’re going to have to go on your way.”

Girlfriend: Yes!

Derek: [steps toward piano] “You’re going to have to go on your way.”

Girlfriend: NOOOO!

Derek: [ singing ]“I listened to my lover,
There was nothing more to say.
‘This is a love that’s over,
And you have to go away.'”

[She walks to the window, throws the shutters open, and grabs her hair in disgust. He watches her and keeps picking chords.]

“Then she ran her ivory fingers
Through her flowing sable hair.”

[She steps away from him and stands still.]

“And then she turned her back on me
As if I wasn’t there.
She’s my little baby,
She’s my little BAAA-BY,
She’s my little BAAA-BY…”

[She drifts away and presses her hands to her face.]

Derek: [turns back to her] Look at you! Look–we–I mean, you don’t even know you’re doin’ it, do you? I mean, inspiration goes through you, goes into my head, and the music just bloody pours right out o’ me!

Girlfriend: I know. And you get it on EVERYTHING. Derek, hear this: I’m going for a walk, and when I come back, you won’t be here.

Derek: You’re going for a walk… “And when I come back, you won’t be here.” I’ll be gone.

Girlfriend: Yes.

Derek: Gone.

Girlfriend: Yes.

Derek: [turns back to piano] Gone.

Girlfriend: NOOOO!

Derek: Gone.

[He starts playing more chops.]

Girlfriend: [covering her ears] Ohhh!

Derek: “She’s picking up her coat and purse…”

[She slams the door behind her on the way out.]

Derek: “And now she’s in the hall…”

[sound of breaking glass]

“From the noise, she must have broken
Something on the wall.”

[He plays a few more chops before changing chords. Still playing, he stands up and cranes his neck to look out the window. CUT to Derek seen from outside as he nudges the piano closer to the windowsill.]

Derek: “She’s on the sidewalk now,
She crossed the street…”

Girlfriend: [screaming from below] SHUT UUUUUUUUP!!!!!

Derek: “She says, ‘Shut up.'”

[He plays a few more “chopsticks” chords and keeps peering out the window.]

“She’s movin’ through the street,
With her tiny feet,
She’s getting smaller now,
She’s getting really smalllllll…”

[He inches away from the piano, raises up his leg, and starts hitting random, unmelodious keys with his foot.]

“She’s getting very tiny,
She’s my tiny babyyy…
She’s my little baby,
She’s my little tiny babyyy.
She’s getting tiny,
She turned the corner!”

[Derek abruptly quits and turns around in consternation.]

Derek: Oh, my God. I’m blocked.

[PAN back slowly over applause, then FADE to the Saturday Night Live Band.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justine Bateman: 02/13/88: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 11

87k: Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D’arby


…..Justine Bateman

Justine Bateman: Well, was that a great show or what! Thank you for watching, I had a great time! Come back next week! Good night, everybody!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justine Bateman: 02/13/88: Justine Bateman’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 11

87k: Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D’arby

Justine Bateman’s Monologue

…..Justine Bateman

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Justine Bateman!

Justine Bateman: Thanks! Thanks – you know, I’m really glad to be here – I’m really glad to be here on Valentine’s Day, because it’s my favorite holiday. And, uh, not that this day doesn’t have its problems. I mean ,what do you get a guy for Valentine’s Day? I mean, guys are lucky – they can give a girl flowers, or candy, or jewelry, or.. or a car. Or an.. incredibly expensive car. But, what do you give them? Because guys are so easily embarrassed, you know? I mean, I remember the very first valentine I gave to a very special boy. He, uh, looked at me, and, uh, he looked at the valetine; his friends laughed, and he ran away. And I felt very sad. But he came up to me after recess, and he, uh, he handed me a frog. And, I don’t know if he kept my valentine, but I-I-I still have that frog. It’s in my room, it’s hanging on my wall. Well, now it looks like, uh, one of those dried peppers that you see in the windows of Mexican restaurants. Yeah.

But, you know, have you ever heard the real story of Valentine’s Day? It’s wonderful. St. Valentine was a priest in ancient Rome. He was a simple man who believed in the power of love. And he went against the Roman law to perform secret marriages for the soldiers and their sweethearts. Now, when Emporer Claudius found out what the priest was doing, he became so angry that he imprisoned the man, tortured him, cut off his hands and hung them on the city gates, where they remained until they looked like.. well.. those little red peppers that you see in the windows of Mexican restaurants. He died on February 14th, and that’s why we call it St. Valentine’s Day. Isn’t that a beautiful story? I love it. [ audience applauds ] But.. it’s – except for that torture part. And that part about cutting off the hands. And the death part.

Anyway – I think, tonight, you should watch the show with somebody that you love. and if you don’t have anyone, I’ll be your Valentine. We’ve got a great show. We’ve got Terence Trent D’arby, so stick around, we’ll be right back. [ turns to face the band ] Guys, play me a love song!

[ the SNL Band accomodates Justine by playing a jazzy instrumental version of “La-La Means I Love You” ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justine Bateman: 02/13/88: Perfect People

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 11

87k: Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D’arby

Perfect People

Linda…..Justine Bateman
Michael…..Jon Lovitz
Roger…..Phil Hartman
Cindy…..Nora Dunn
Henry…..Dana Carvey
Susan…..Jan Hooks
Kevin…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on a ritzy party, evening ] [ camera pans across the room of seemingly perfect people, until the focus falls upon a couple standing by the door ]

Linda: Promise we’ll just stay five minutes..

Michael: Okay. But, look, Linda, these are my friends, I want you to talk to them.

Linda: I’m sure they don’t want to talk to me.. come on, let’s go..

Michael: Wait, wait, wait a minute.. why do you think they don’t want to talk to you?

Linda: Because I’m just an art student, they’re all twenty years older than me, much more accomplished, and I can tell they think I’m really stupid.

Michael: That’s a ridiculous accusation!

Linda: I’m serious! I know they’re all thinking I’m just Michael’s silly little bimbo who thinks she’s an artist.. they laugh at me.

Michael: Linda, no one thinks you’re stupid, no one’s laughing at you.

[ they start to walk through the party ]

Linda: The other night, I told your friend Henry that I really liked his Time cover story..

Michael: Yes?

Linda: I remembered it as Newsweek.

Michael: Oh, Linda, look.. it seems like a huge mistake to you, other people don’t even notice!

Linda: You think so?

Michael: Yes. And, besides, it’s pretty egotistical of you to think that all these busy, successful people have the time to sit around discussing the shortcomings of a human being.

Linda: I guess.

Michael: Alright, come on.. look, look.. here’s Roger and Cindy. [ they walk over ] Hey, Roger! Cindy! You remember Linda? [ they acknowledge her ] How’s the research going?

Roger: Oh, I think we’re this close to a cure. Very encouraging!

Michael: That is great!

Roger: [ grabs his coat ] Well, I’m sorry to rush. I’m on my way to the lab – it’s a 20-hour day today, you understand..

Michael: Understood. Hey, good luck!

Roger: Thanks!

[ Michael and Linda walk off ]

Cindy: Roger, before you go.. can you believe how dumb she is?

Roger: [ laughs ] Whoo! Unbelievable! Just the ridiculous way she talks!

Cindy: Oh, I know.. and have you seen her paintings?

Roger: Nooo.. you have? Well, listen, I’ve got to hear about this! Come over here and tell me about it!

[ they move off to the side ] [ camera zooms in to a couple standing at the bar ]

Henry: So, then she says to me, “I really enjoyed your cover story in Time last week.” [ laughs ] Can you believe that?

Susan: I’m gonna tell you the truth – Ihave heard that story, it’s a classic! Listen, I just got back from Tokyo last night, and I’m off to Munich tomorrow.. but Ican tell you what Iheard about her today..

Henry: [ clears his throat, seeing Michael approach with Linda ] So, I’m, uh.. afraid my, uh.. Op-Ed piece caused quite a bit of a stir..

Michael: Henry! Susan! Hi! You remember Linda?

Henry: Oh, yes.. of course.

Linda: You know, Henry, I did read your Op-Ed piece in, uh.. in the New York Times.. and you made a great point!

Henry: Yeah. Uh.. I think you mean the Washington Post.

Linda: Oh.. right.

Michael: Hey, congratulations on that Pulitzer. I’ll see you next week?

Henry: Alright. [ Michael and Linda walk off ] You know, I’ve thought about it and thought about it.. and I’m still not sure I have her pegged yet. I mean, she’s definitelty stupid and untalented, but isn’t there also something.. sort of..

Kevin: [ pokes hid head in ] Are you talking about Michael’s little bimbo?

Susan: What else?

Kevin: I’ve been out of the country for a while, I’m not competely up on her, so fill me in.

Henry: Alright, alright.. get this: I had a cover story in Newsweek..

Kevin: [ laughing ] Oh, the Newsweek thing! Bob Fed-exed me about that! It’s hysterical, man!

Susan: Look, I’ve invited Michael and his silly little bimbo to dinner on Thursday night – I think it will be extremely entertaining!

Kevin: Oh, boy.. I’m under the gun this week, but, uh.. I’m not gonna miss this!

Susan: [ laughing ] Can you believe what she’s wearing?

Henry: Oh, please.. that’s a completely complete and separate topic. Listen, I’ve gotta get back to the office, I’ve got a big deadline to meet.. but I’m gonna think about Linda a little further, and I should have some thoughts on her a little later. Why don’t you call me?

Susan: Okay.

[ camera shifts to Michael and Linda at the door, as they preapre to leave the party ]

Michael: Now, that wasn’t so bad, was it?

Linda: I guess not, but I still don’t think your friends really like me..

Michael: Well, Miss Paranoid, for your information, Susan invited us to a dinner party. And don’t think she invited you as a joke!

[ they exit the party ]

Cindy: [ stands in the center of the room and taps a fork on the side of her wine glass ] Okay, everybody, Michael just left with her – who wants to go first?

[ everyone in the room quickly raise their hands, eager to tell their amusing anecdotes about Linda ] [ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justine Bateman: 02/13/88: Family Ties

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 11

87k: Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D’arby

Family Ties

…..Justine Bateman
Elyse Keaton…..Jan Hooks
Steven Keaton…..Kevin Nealon
Alex P. Keaton…..Dana Carvey
Mallory Keaton…..Justine Bateman
Jennifer Keaton…..Victoria Jackson
Nick…..Jon Lovitz

Justine Bateman: You know, when I started “Family Ties”, I was 15 years old, and, well, six years, 147 episodes later, the show is still going strong! But, you know, out of all the episodes we’ve fone, my favorite are what we call the “flashback” episodes. Now, those are the shows where our characters reminisce about some of our favorite momnets from the past episodes. It’s a great way to fill up a show with a lot of old clips, and the best part is that, well, everybody gets paid for a brand new show! Now, my favorite flashback show is the one that we just taped – it’s called “If These Old Walls Could Talk”, and, well, we shot it in five minutes..

[ dissolve to “Family Ties” montage and theme song ] [ dissolve to the Keaton family gathered around their kitchen ]

Elyse Keaton: I can’t believe we’re leaving this house and moving to Colorado.

Steven Keaton: Honey, I can alays turn down that job..

Alex P. Keaton: [ interceding ] Dad?! Turn down that job?! Dad! Don’t get sentimental at a crucial stage like this!

Steven Keaton: I guess Alex is right.

Mallory Keaton: For once.

Elyse Keaton: We sure have done a lot of living in this kitchen..

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

Mallory Keaton: If these old walls could talk, the things they’d say!

Steven Keaton: [ as fake beard starts to droop off ] Remember that time you were going to elope with Nick, and I got really upset?

[ flashback to the same kitchen at an earlier time ]

Elyse Keaton: I just cannot believe you two are eloping!

Mallory Keaton: But I love Nick, Mom..

Steven Keaton: But, Mallory, Nick doesn’t even have a job!

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

Nick: Hey-ee, Mr. Keaton, you forget – I’m an artist.

Alex P. Keaton: No, Nick, the problem is we remember you are an artist.

Mallory Keaton: Alex..

Alex P. Keaton: Mallory.. Mallory.. as the teen with the highest potential earning power, I feel it’s my duty to tell you that, you know, if you want to borrow money from in the future, don’t come to me for any loans!

Mallory Keaton: I wouldn’t do that, Alex!

Alex P. Keaton: Oh, yeah? What about the time I lent you money for your first date?!

Steven Keaton: [ chuckles ] Ah, it seems like it was only yesterday..

[ flashback to the same kitchen at another earlier time ]

Elyse Keaton: I can’t believe my little girl is going out on her first date!

Mallory Keaton: But it’s not a real date, Mom, it’s a group date.

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

Alex P. Keaton: Mom! mom! I can’t believe you’re letting her go!

Mallory Keaton: Alex..

Alex P. Keaton: Mom! Have youmet these guys? Mom, the average 15-year-old boy is a sex-starved animal! I mean, a group date is just a teen euphenism for an orgy!

Elyse Keaton: Alex, I trust your sister.

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

Steven Keaton: That’s our Jennifer, huh? And to think, not so long ago, we thought Jennifer was gonna die. Yeah, I remember it like it was yesterday.

[ flashback to the same kitchen at another earlier time ]

Elyse Keaton: I can’t believe my little Jennifer is gonna die.. I just wish we could be at the hospital..

Mallory Keaton: Mom, you know the doctor said we could do far more good for Jennifer if we’d just stay here in the kitchen.

Elyse Keaton: I suppose so, but I’ll tell you, we’ve had some real memories with Jennifer.

Steven Keaton: Yeah, remember the time we went to Holland, and Jennifer and Mallory were mistaken for international art smugglers, and they chased them all threough the streets of Amsterdam.

Mallory Keaton: Yeah, that was really something!

Alex P. Keaton: Yeah, it sure was!

Steven Keaton: [ sighs ] Oh, boy.. and to think that Jennifer is dying.. Hey, but we’ve had some great times together! Remember the last time we all watched TV together?

Mallory Keaton: Yeah.. we all watched an episode of “The Jeffersons”!

[ flashback to that episode of “The Jeffersons” – George and Weezy are tied to chairs as a crook ransacks the apartment ]

George Jefferson: I wish I had a club right now to hit that crook with! What’s he doing out there, anyway, messing up the place?

Weezy Jefferson: Don’t worry about that, Florence will help me straighten it up. Hey.. remember when we first hired Florence?

[ flash forward to the Keatons sitting around their kitchen ]

Steven Keaton: Boy, that was some episode of “The Jeffersons”!

Mallory Keaton: It sure was. I can’t help thinking about Jennifer dying, though..

[ the phone rings ]

Elyse Keaton: I’ll get it! [ answers ] Hello? [ turns to family ] It’s the hospital – Jennifer’s not going to die!

[ the Keaton Family rejoice at the good news ] [ flash forward to previous scene of Keatons sitting around their kitchen ]

Steven Keaton: We almost lost you, honey. That was a close call.

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

Elyse Keaton: But I don’t know about this first date business..

Mallory Keaton: Mom..

[ phone rings ]

Alex P. Keaton: [ answers ] Hello? Yeah okay, thanks. Two of the boys have the flu, the first date’s bene cancelled.

Elyse Keaton: Oh, honey.. [ consoles Mallory ]

Mallory Keaton: Mom..

[ flash forward to next scene of Keatons sitting around their kitchen ]

Elyse Keaton: Boy, that sure was a close call with that first date.

Steven Keaton: Yeah. And now you’re eloping with Nick.

Nick: Hey, hold it, everybody. Hey-ee! While y’all were all reminiscing, I did some thinking. Sorry, Mallory, I just don’t think we’re ready.

Mallory Keaton: You know what, nick? You’re right. [ they hug ]

[ phone rings ]

Alex P. Keaton: [ answers ] Hello? Yeah, we know. He’s reconsidered. Thanks, anyway!

[ flash forward to the original scene of Keatons sitting around their kitchen ]

Elyse Keaton: Just think, you almost eloped with Nick..

Mallory Keaton: Yeah, it sure was a close call!

Steven Keaton: And now we have to move.

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

[ phone rings; Keatons stare at it as the camera pans left ] [ Justine Bateman steps forward, as the lights are lowered behind her ]

Justine Bateman: I don’t want to give away the ending. This is gonna be on in April. But the phone call was from the company that offered my dad the job, and they.. well.. I don’t want to give it away. We’ll be right back!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Justine Bateman: 02/13/88: Friday Night Videos

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 11

87k: Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D’arby

Friday Night Videos

Announcer…..Phil Hartman
George Will…..Dana Carvey
…..Justine Bateman


Announcer: And now back to FRIDAY NIGHT VIDEOS – with Justine Bateman andcolumnist George Will.

JUSTINE BATEMAN and “Newsweek” columnist GEORGE F. WILL are seated side byside. Both adjust their posture.

George Will: Hello.

Justine nods.

Justine Bateman: Hi.

George Will: You’ve done this before?

Justine Bateman: No, no. First time. You?

George Will: Nope. First for me.

George gives a nervous laugh. Both nod their heads. Both are silent.

Justine Bateman: So you’re a writer?

George Will: More of a columnist you would say.

Justine Bateman: I see.

George Will: Yeah.

Justine Bateman: Alright.

George Will: Yeah.

Both stare off to their side. Both adjust their posture. Both are silent.

George Will: Want some water?

Justine Bateman: No thanks.

George Will: I won’t either.

Both again remain silent.


Justine nods. George nods.

George Will: Oh boy.

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Tom Hanks: 02/20/88

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 12

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

February 20th, 1988

Tom Hanks

Randy Travis



Andy Murphy
Calgary ’88Transcript


Tom Hanks’ MonologueFirst Hosted: 85e.

Giant Businessman

The Bean CafeSummary: Farting euphemisms are the specialty of the house at the Bean Cafe.


The Pat Stevens ShowSummary: Pat Stevens (Nora Dunn) interviews potential Republican presidential wives Elizabeth Dole (Jan Hooks) and Barbara Bush (Phil Hartman).

Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens, Elizabeth Dole, Barbara Bush.


Randy Travis performs “Forever & Ever, Amen”Bio: Randy Travis (1959-). Country singer.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerTranscript

Girl-Watchers A Go-GoSummary: A pair of Girl Watchers (Tom Hanks, Jon Lovitz) awkardly scope women and survey their chances on a city street.

Recurring Characters: Girl Watcher 1, Girl Watcher 2.


Apple Support SystemsSummary: First time computer user Randy (Tom Hanks) is dependent on (Kevin Nealon) just to get his computer turned on, much less operate it.


Casey Kasem Sings The BeatlesRecurring Characters: Casey Kasem.


Delivery RoomTranscript

Observational Stand-upsRecurring Characters: Stand-ups.


Randy Travis performs “What’ll You Do”

Sentimental Pawn ShopTranscript


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Dabney Coleman: 10/31/87

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 3

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


October 31st, 1987

Dabney Coleman

The Cars

Cassandra Peterson

Ric Ocasek
Lifestyles Of The Rich, Famous, & ScaryBio: Cassandra Peterson (1951-). Actress; former showgirl at the Dunes in Las Vegas, of which the Guinness Book of World Records lists her as the youngest on record in the city’s history Elvira; joined the Groundlings in 1979, where she developed the prototype for her Elvira, Mistress of the Dark persona.


Dabney Coleman’s MonologueBio: Dabney Coleman (1932-). Actor; films include “Nine to Five” (1980), “Tootsie” (1982), “Cloak & Dagger” (1984); starred in TV series “Buffalo Bill”, 1983-84 and “The Slap MaxWell Story”, 1987-88.


The Winning SpiritSummary: A blind man (Dabney Coleman) expresses extreme bitterness over his disability.


Don’t Go Down To The Basement


The Cars performs “Strap Me In”Also Performed: 83s.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerTranscript

Marriage CounselorTranscript

Count Dracula, Self-Taught Auto Mechanic

The Pat Stevens ShowRecurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

Student Council

The Cars performs “Double Trouble”

Black Monday


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SNL Transcripts: Paul Simon: 12/19/87: Paul Simon’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 13: Episode 8

87h: Paul Simon / Linda Ronstadt

Paul Simon’s Monologue

…..Paul Simon
…..Sen. Paul Simon

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Paul Simon!

[ Paul Simon, the musician, and Paul Simon, the Senator, both walk ontoCenter Stage ]

Paul Simon: You know, this is very embarassing.. and I was surethat they meant me!

Sen. Paul Simon: I just assumed they wanted me – Paul Simon,the Senator!

Paul Simon: Well.. it’s a comedy show.. and it’s a music show.. so,it’s gotta be me, I mean who else?

Sen. Paul Simon: I guess. I just wish somebody had told me earlier.I’ve been rehearsing since Thursday here.

Paul Simon: It gets very hectic here, and you can get lost in theshuffle.

Sen. Paul Simon: I understand. Like New Hampshire.

Paul Simon: Well.. it’s just one of those things that can hpapen toanybody.. named Paul Simon.

Sen. Paul Simon: You wouldn’t believe how many times this has happenedto me!

Paul Simon: And to me. I remember one time I had shown up with myguitar at a Democratic Women’s Convention in Audobon, Iowa.

Sen. Paul Simon: And how about that benefit at Madison Square Garden?I’m up on the stage trying to debate with Bruce Springsteen!

Paul Simon: You know, actually, I thought that you were very clearlythe winner on that debate.

Sen. Paul Simon: Why, thank you, Paul. Thank you.

Paul Simon: Look, as long as you’re here, why don’t you, as they say, you know, kick back, relax, and just enjoy the show?

Sen. Paul Simon: Well, I’d love to.. I gotta get up early tomorrow,you know.. to run for President.

Paul Simon: I understand. I just feel so bad that you came allthis way..

Sen. Paul Simon: Well, I do, too, frankly. I was supposed to be inSioux Falls, South Dakota tonight, at a fundraising dinner.

Paul Simon: You know, this is a live show. And something couldhappen to me, and then you could be right there.. you could be like theother Paul Simon..

Sen. Paul Simon: Sort of “a heartbeat away”?

Paul Simon: We’ve got a great show tonight, with my good friendLinda Ronstadt, so stick around!

SNL Transcripts