Category: 1987

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 11

87k: Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D’arby

Family Ties

…..Justine Bateman
Elyse Keaton…..Jan Hooks
Steven Keaton…..Kevin Nealon
Alex P. Keaton…..Dana Carvey
Mallory Keaton…..Justine Bateman
Jennifer Keaton…..Victoria Jackson
Nick…..Jon Lovitz

Justine Bateman: You know, when I started “Family Ties”, I was 15 years old, and, well, six years, 147 episodes later, the show is still going strong! But, you know, out of all the episodes we’ve fone, my favorite are what we call the “flashback” episodes. Now, those are the shows where our characters reminisce about some of our favorite momnets from the past episodes. It’s a great way to fill up a show with a lot of old clips, and the best part is that, well, everybody gets paid for a brand new show! Now, my favorite flashback show is the one that we just taped – it’s called “If These Old Walls Could Talk”, and, well, we shot it in five minutes..

[ dissolve to “Family Ties” montage and theme song ]

[ dissolve to the Keaton family gathered around their kitchen ]

Elyse Keaton: I can’t believe we’re leaving this house and moving to Colorado.

Steven Keaton: Honey, I can alays turn down that job..

Alex P. Keaton: [ interceding ] Dad?! Turn down that job?! Dad! Don’t get sentimental at a crucial stage like this!

Steven Keaton: I guess Alex is right.

Mallory Keaton: For once.

Elyse Keaton: We sure have done a lot of living in this kitchen..

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

Mallory Keaton: If these old walls could talk, the things they’d say!

Steven Keaton: [ as fake beard starts to droop off ] Remember that time you were going to elope with Nick, and I got really upset?

[ flashback to the same kitchen at an earlier time ]

Elyse Keaton: I just cannot believe you two are eloping!

Mallory Keaton: But I love Nick, Mom..

Steven Keaton: But, Mallory, Nick doesn’t even have a job!

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

Nick: Hey-ee, Mr. Keaton, you forget – I’m an artist.

Alex P. Keaton: No, Nick, the problem is we remember you are an artist.

Mallory Keaton: Alex..

Alex P. Keaton: Mallory.. Mallory.. as the teen with the highest potential earning power, I feel it’s my duty to tell you that, you know, if you want to borrow money from in the future, don’t come to me for any loans!

Mallory Keaton: I wouldn’t do that, Alex!

Alex P. Keaton: Oh, yeah? What about the time I lent you money for your first date?!

Steven Keaton: [ chuckles ] Ah, it seems like it was only yesterday..

[ flashback to the same kitchen at another earlier time ]

Elyse Keaton: I can’t believe my little girl is going out on her first date!

Mallory Keaton: But it’s not a real date, Mom, it’s a group date.

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

Alex P. Keaton: Mom! mom! I can’t believe you’re letting her go!

Mallory Keaton: Alex..

Alex P. Keaton: Mom! Have youmet these guys? Mom, the average 15-year-old boy is a sex-starved animal! I mean, a group date is just a teen euphenism for an orgy!

Elyse Keaton: Alex, I trust your sister.

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

Steven Keaton: That’s our Jennifer, huh? And to think, not so long ago, we thought Jennifer was gonna die. Yeah, I remember it like it was yesterday.

[ flashback to the same kitchen at another earlier time ]

Elyse Keaton: I can’t believe my little Jennifer is gonna die.. I just wish we could be at the hospital..

Mallory Keaton: Mom, you know the doctor said we could do far more good for Jennifer if we’d just stay here in the kitchen.

Elyse Keaton: I suppose so, but I’ll tell you, we’ve had some real memories with Jennifer.

Steven Keaton: Yeah, remember the time we went to Holland, and Jennifer and Mallory were mistaken for international art smugglers, and they chased them all threough the streets of Amsterdam.

Mallory Keaton: Yeah, that was really something!

Alex P. Keaton: Yeah, it sure was!

Steven Keaton: [ sighs ] Oh, boy.. and to think that Jennifer is dying.. Hey, but we’ve had some great times together! Remember the last time we all watched TV together?

Mallory Keaton: Yeah.. we all watched an episode of “The Jeffersons”!

[ flashback to that episode of “The Jeffersons” – George and Weezy are tied to chairs as a crook ransacks the apartment ]

George Jefferson: I wish I had a club right now to hit that crook with! What’s he doing out there, anyway, messing up the place?

Weezy Jefferson: Don’t worry about that, Florence will help me straighten it up. Hey.. remember when we first hired Florence?

[ flash forward to the Keatons sitting around their kitchen ]

Steven Keaton: Boy, that was some episode of “The Jeffersons”!

Mallory Keaton: It sure was. I can’t help thinking about Jennifer dying, though..

[ the phone rings ]

Elyse Keaton: I’ll get it! [ answers ] Hello? [ turns to family ] It’s the hospital – Jennifer’s not going to die!

[ the Keaton Family rejoice at the good news ]

[ flash forward to previous scene of Keatons sitting around their kitchen ]

Steven Keaton: We almost lost you, honey. That was a close call.

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

Elyse Keaton: But I don’t know about this first date business..

Mallory Keaton: Mom..

[ phone rings ]

Alex P. Keaton: [ answers ] Hello? Yeah okay, thanks. Two of the boys have the flu, the first date’s bene cancelled.

Elyse Keaton: Oh, honey.. [ consoles Mallory ]

Mallory Keaton: Mom..

[ flash forward to next scene of Keatons sitting around their kitchen ]

Elyse Keaton: Boy, that sure was a close call with that first date.

Steven Keaton: Yeah. And now you’re eloping with Nick.

Nick: Hey, hold it, everybody. Hey-ee! While y’all were all reminiscing, I did some thinking. Sorry, Mallory, I just don’t think we’re ready.

Mallory Keaton: You know what, nick? You’re right. [ they hug ]

[ phone rings ]

Alex P. Keaton: [ answers ] Hello? Yeah, we know. He’s reconsidered. Thanks, anyway!

[ flash forward to the original scene of Keatons sitting around their kitchen ]

Elyse Keaton: Just think, you almost eloped with Nick..

Mallory Keaton: Yeah, it sure was a close call!

Steven Keaton: And now we have to move.

Jennifer Keaton: Yeah.

[ phone rings; Keatons stare at it as the camera pans left ]

[ Justine Bateman steps forward, as the lights are lowered behind her ]

Justine Bateman: I don’t want to give away the ending. This is gonna be on in April. But the phone call was from the company that offered my dad the job, and they.. well.. I don’t want to give it away. We’ll be right back!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 11

87k: Justine Bateman / Terrance Trent D’arby

Friday Night Videos

Announcer…..Phil Hartman
George Will…..Dana Carvey
…..Justine Bateman

NBC FRIDAY NIGHT VIDEOS INTRO PLAYS

Announcer: And now back to FRIDAY NIGHT VIDEOS – with Justine Bateman andcolumnist George Will.

JUSTINE BATEMAN and “Newsweek” columnist GEORGE F. WILL are seated side byside. Both adjust their posture.

George Will: Hello.

Justine nods.

Justine Bateman: Hi.

George Will: You’ve done this before?

Justine Bateman: No, no. First time. You?

George Will: Nope. First for me.

George gives a nervous laugh. Both nod their heads. Both are silent.

Justine Bateman: So you’re a writer?

George Will: More of a columnist you would say.

Justine Bateman: I see.

George Will: Yeah.

Justine Bateman: Alright.

George Will: Yeah.

Both stare off to their side. Both adjust their posture. Both are silent.

George Will: Want some water?

Justine Bateman: No thanks.

George Will: I won’t either.

Both again remain silent.

George Will: FRIDAY NIGHT VIDEOS.

Justine nods. George nods.

George Will: Oh boy.

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Apple Support Systems

Randy…..Tom Hanks
Apple Operator…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on Randy sitting behind a computer, sweating as he calls Apple Support System ]

Randy: Oh, come on, man.. come on, please.. just pick it up.. please pick up..

Apple Opertor: Apple Support System, can I help you?

Randy: Yeah.. yeah.. Support System, listen. My name is Randy. I’m new here, and there’s no one else around. I told them I knew how to use computers, and that’s why they hired me. They’re gonna be in this morning, and I gotta have results, man! I don’t know what’s what here..!

Apple Opertor: Okay, alright, alright.. Randy, get a hold of yourself. Now, first of all, what kind of computer are you working with?

Randy: Uh.. uh.. I don’t know!

Apple Opertor: Okay. Alright, listen, take it easy. We’re gonna just walk you through this.

Randy: It’s just a computer, man!

Apple Opertor: Alright, alright. Randy, you there?

Randy: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I’m here!

Apple Opertor: Randy, look in the lower lefthand corner. What does it say?

Randy: Uh, okay.. there’s a little yellow thing.. it’s got a smile on it.. and it says “Have A Nice Day.”

Apple Opertor: Okay, Randy, that’s a sticker. You might want to peel that off.

Randy: Oh. Okay. [ peels sticker off ] I got it.

Apple Opertor: Okay, alright. Good, Randy. Now, what does it say underneath that?

Randy: Well, it doesn’t say anything underneath it, man! It was just a sticker on the box!

Apple Opertor: Relax now, relax!

Randy: Wait a minute, wait a minute..! There’s like a picture of a tangerine.. or a tangelo.. or..

Apple Opertor: Okay, that’s a big help, Randy. Uh.. it sounds like you’re operating a Macintosh.

Randy: Well, is it good or bad?!

Apple Opertor: It’s good, it’s good. It’s user-friendly. Uh.. there should be a mouse hooked up to it.

Randy: Wait, wait, wait! A mouse?! User-friendly?! What are you talking about?! You’re losing me, man! You’re losing me!

Apple Opertor: Never mind that! Never mind that! Randy, I want you to put me on your speaker box, on your phone.

Randy: What, the speakerbox?

Apple Opertor: Yeah. On your speakerbox. That way you can have both hands free to operate the machine.

Randy: Oh, alright.. speakerbox, alright.. they told me how to do that. [ pushes button, places receiver on handle ] Yeah. Okay. Are you there? Hey! Where’d you go, man?! Where’d you go?!

Apple Opertor: Right here, Randy. Right here. Sorry, I was taking a sip of coffee.

Randy: Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah. Is it.. is it good coffee?

Apple Opertor: Yes, it is, Randy. And maybe when all this is over, you and I can get together for a nice, hot cup.

Randy: Yeah.. that’ll be good, yeah.. that’d be good.

Apple Opertor: Okay, now, are you with me?

Randy: Yeah.. yeah.. I’m right here.

Apple Opertor: Now, listen very carefully. With your left hand, reach behind the machine and push down the rocker switch.

Randy: You mean, th-this light switch thing?

Apple Opertor: Yes. That’s it. Push it down.

Randy: Now?

Apple Opertor: Yes. Push it down, Randy.

Randy: Okay. [ pushes switch, computer turns on ] Oh, wait, hey man, it’s humming! Hey! It’s making noises! There’s a white light on this thing, man!

Apple Opertor: Randy, it’s okay! It’s supposed to do that. That’s good, that’s good. Alright, Randy, you okay?

Randy: Yeah. I’m fine. I’m okay.

Apple Opertor: Alright, the hardest part’s over. Now, go down to your keyboard, and find the small –

Randy: Wait a minute.. keyboard! What are you talking about?!

Apple Opertor: The panel, right below the big box with the letters on it.

Randy: What, you mean this typewriter deal?

Apple Opertor: Yeah. Now, take your finger and push down twice on the little white cube that says “Open”.

Randy: [ frantic ] Okay.. okay.. here it goes. [ pushes cube ] I did it! I did it! Hey, okay, it’s done! It’s making noises, lots of noises!

Apple Opertor: Okay, Randy, you’ve now reached the Desktop mode, you’re home-free.

Randy: Okay, okay.. Desktop.. alright!

Apple Opertor: You should see a bunch of funny-looking pictures. With your left hand, push down the Shift button and the Command button at the same time.

Randy: Okay.. [ pushes both buttons ] got it.

Apple Opertor: Got it?

Randy: Got.. yeah. Yeah! Hey, piece of cake!

Apple Opertor: Congratulations. You can now retrieve any file or document you want, just by typing it on the keyboard.

Randy: Oh.. that’s.. that’s great! Okay! Okay! I got it! Um.. I guess I’m gonna hang up now.. okay?

Apple Opertor: Okay. Okay, Randy. Good luck. Oh, and hey, Randy?

Randy: Yeah?

Apple Opertor: Have a nice day.

Randy: Thanks, man. [ returns to other line ] Hello? Hi, yeah, thank you for holding. [ camera zooms out to reveal that Randy is working for a travel agency ] Now, you wanted two round-trip tickets, right? What day did you want to fly? Okay. Are you gonna need a rental car for that?

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

The Bean Cafe

Cafe Owner…..Tom Hanks
Harry…..Jon Lovitz
Lonnie…..Phil Hartman
Bob’s Wife…..Victoria Jackson
Bob…..Kevin Nealon
Cindy…..Nora Dunn
Keith…..Dana Carvey

[ the phone rings at the Bean Cafe ]

Cafe Owner: Bean Cafe. Yeah, that’s right. Just beans, that’s allwe serve here. Well, we’re open 24 hours. Okay, yeah, thanks for calling.[ hangs up phone and notices Harry at the table ] Hey, Harry, another bowlof beans?

Harry: Yeah. Hey, could you put cheese on it?

Cafe Owner: Sure. You want grated cheese, or do you want me tocut the cheese?

Harry: Yeah, go ahead, Ralph. Cut the cheese.

Cafe Owner: You got it. [ starts cutting a chunk of cheese for Harry ]

Lonnie: [ enters the cafe ] Hi, Ralph!

Cafe Owner: Hey, hey, Lonnie! Set you up with a bowl of beans?

Lonnie: Uh.. yeah, I think I’ll try the pintos today. [ sniffs theair ] Alright, who did it?

Cafe Owner: What?

Lonnie: Who went and made my favorite pie again?

Cafe Owner: There’s just no keeping a secret with you, is there,Lonnie Edwards? [ pulls out the freshly-baked pie ] Wendy made it upspecial for you. I’ll tell you what – I’ll warm it up.

Lonnie: Fantastic!

Cafe Owner: [ opens the oven ] Oh, damn..

Lonnie: What’s the matter?

Cafe Owner: Well, the pilot light keeps going out on this oven.

Lonnie: Probably from all the wind you get blowing aroundhere.. You really should get these windows caulked!

Cafe Owner: Yeah, I’ve been meaning to do that..

[ cut to a couple sitting at a table ]

Bob’s Wife: Good beans, huh?

Bob: Yeah, the best!

Bob’s Wife: You know what they say – “Beans, beans, good for the heart..”

Both: “Beans, beans, great for the heart!”

[ cut to Lonnie at the counter reading a newspaper ]

Lonnie: Hey, Harry, did you see this? The Army’s thinking aboutdeveloping a new gas bomb.

Harry: Yeah? They should come here.

Lonnie: What do you mean?

Harry: We could use the jobs. Then, maybe some of the teenagerswouldn’t have to move away.

Lonnie: Yeah. Good point. [ walks back to the counter ]

Cindy: [ enters the cafe ] Hi, Ralph.

Cafe Owner: Oh, hey, Cindy! A bowl of beans?

Cindy: Oh, no, I’d better not. I’m going over to my in-laws later.

Cafe Owner: So?

Cindy: Well, you know what would happen if I had a big bowl of beansnow. I wouldn’t be hungry! We’re gonna have dinner. Just give me acup of coffee.

Cafe Owner: Coming up.

Cindy: Hi, Lonnie.

Lonnie: Hi. How are you, Cindy?

Cindy: Say, how come you guys aren’t watching the big swim meet?

Lonnie: Oh, yeah! That local boy made the finals. What’s his name?

Harry: Rip Loudon.

Lonnie: Yeah, that’s it.

Cafe Owner: [ watching the TV screen ] Oh, geez.. last place already..Lonnie: Well, you know what would have helped shott him through thewater? A big bowl of beans! I mean, you see, complex carbohydrates give youthat long-term energy that you need.

Cafe Owner: Absolutely. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell people.It’s much better for you than steak.

Harry: Ah, you know what they say – “Beans, beans, good for the heart..”

All: “Beans, beans, great for your heart!”

Cafe Owner: [ looking at the TV screen ] Well, this is boring. Let’ssee what else is on. [ flips channel to a spider documentary ]

TV Announcer: ..The Black Widow. Silent but deadly..

Cindy: You know what else is silent but deadly?

Lonnie: What?

Cindy: A scorpion.

Cafe Owner: [ looking at the couple’s table ] Oh, gee! Hey, Bob!That’s wet paint! [ runs over ]

Bob: [ jumping to his feet ] Oh, geez.. I didn’t even notice!

Cafe Owner: Didn’t you see the sign?!

Bob: Did I get any on my pants?

Cafe Owner: Oh, let me see. Bend over. [ Bob bends over as theCafe Owner peers in for a look ] I can’t really see.. the lighting’s notreally good here. Let me get my lighter.. [ takes out a lighter and holdsthe flame close to the back of Bob’s pants ] No.. I don’t see anything..That chair must have already been dry!

Bob: Boy, that was close, huh? [ sits back down ]

Keith: [ enters the cafe grimacing and sniffing ] Whoo-whee!Whoo-whee!

Cafe Owner: Hey, Keith. What’s the matter?

Keith: Oh, uh, it’s this hay fever acting up again. Whoo-whee!

Cafe Owner: A nice hot bowl of beans will fix you right up.

Keith: Whoo-whee!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Calgary ’88

Mark Mossano…..Tom Hanks
Jim McKay…..Dana Carvey
Dick Button……Phil Hartman
Peggy Fleming…..Jan Hooks

FADE IN:

[ EXT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – NIGHT ]

[ GRAPHIC: ABC SPORTS CALGARY 1988 LOGO ]

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – NIGHT ]

Jim McKay (V/O): We’re back live at the Saddledome in Calgary, where Mark Mossano, the young figure skater from Rockford, Illinois is about to face the greatest test of his life.

[ MARK MOSSANO, wearing a kid’s cowboy hat and a studded periwinkle unitard, waits to go on the rink. ]

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – ABC SPORTS BOOTH – NIGHT ]

[ Announcers JIM MCKAY and DICK BUTTON stand next to each other holding microphones. ]

Jim McKay: Hello, I’m Jim McKay and with me is Dick Button.

Dick Button: Hello.

Jim McKay: Dick, Dick… Mark is not expected to win a medal here in Calgary and realistically – – he has no chance for one.

Dick Button: No, but Jim, watching him skate earlier today… I don’t think that’s on his mind. I think he’s here for the sheer thrill of competing in the Olympics.

Jim McKay: Well, what is it about Mark Mossano that makes him so exciting? Certainly for technique, he’s no match for the skaters we’ve seen tonight.

Dick Button: Well, Jim, it’s that elusive quality we call… style. He skates with an abandon that’s almost primitive and how fitting for an Olympics held in this wild, frontier town. But I can’t quite put my finger on it. All I can say is — I very much like this young man.

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – ICE RINK – NIGHT ]

[ Mossano takes to the center of the ice. ]

Jim McKay (V/O): He’s taking the ice now.

[ Mossano poses his arms in the air and waits for the music. ]

Jim McKay (V/O): Mark Mossano.

[ The theme from “Bonanza” begins playing on the speakers. Mossano stumbles. ]

Dick Button (V/O): Oh! A stumble!

[ Mossano pulls out two, toy pistols from the holsters on his unitard and starts prancing on the ice. ]

Dick Button (V/O): But what a bold choice of music! And what a marvelous costume! A fitting choice for an Olympics held in this wild, frontier town.

[ The music changes to 1930’s big band ensemble. Mossano continues to prance. ]

Dick Button (V/O): Oh! A tempo change! Very dramatic.

Jim McKay (V/O): How true.

Dick Button (V/O): Very nice. You know Jim, watching him skate, I’m reminded of a young Robin Cousins.

Jim McKay (V/O): Really? How so, Dick?

Dick Button (V/O): Well… it’s hard to explain. Never mind.

[ Mossano tip-toe dances on the ice, flailing the toy guns near his lips. ]

Dick Button (V/O): Whoa-ho! Look at those six-shooters blazing! He’s taking that ice like some modern-day Wyatt Earp; attacking it with verve and pizzazz and fun.

[ Mossano strikes a finishing pose. ]

Dick Button (V/O): A winning, marvelous program and a sexy one to boot!

Jim McKay (V/O): Definitely… very sexy.

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – ABC SPORTS BOOTH – NIGHT ]

[ McKay and Button side-by-side. ]

Jim McKay: Now let us watch young Mark Mossano as he waits to see the judges scoring…

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – KISS AND CRY ZONE – NIGHT ]

[ Mossano pants heavily and views the scoring board off screen. ]

[ SUPER: URS-0.1, FRG-0.1, USA-0.1, CAN-0.1, GDR-0.0, AUS-0.2, TCH-0.0, GBR-0.0, POL-0.0

Dick Button (V/O): 0.1, 0.1, 0.1, 0.1, 0.0 — that’s the East German judge. 0.2, another no, 0.0, 0.0 and another 0.0.

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – ABC SPORTS BOOTH – NIGHT ]

Dick Button: Well Jim, I really think these scores are very low. I really do.

Jim McKay: Well Dick, Peggy Fleming is ringside with Mark to get his reaction. Let’s go to Peggy…

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – KISS AND CRY ZONE – NIGHT ]

[ PEGGY FLEMING stands next to Mossano, who’s panting harder than before. ]

Peggy Fleming: Well, technically Mark that was the best I’ve ever seen you skate. Um, what was it tonight that was special for you?

[ Mossano can’t speak due to his panting. ]

Peggy Fleming: Okay… um, did the performance of your teammate Brian Boitano give you a lift?

[ Mossano shakes his head yet still not speak. ]

Peggy Fleming: Uh-huh… well, is there anything you’d like to say to your family back home?

Mark Mossano: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Delivery Room

Doctor…..Tom Hanks
Expectant Father…..Dana Carvey
Second Doctor…..Jon Lovitz
Expectant Mother…..Victoria Jackson

[ open on Expectant Father standing outside the delivery room ]

Doctor: [ from inside the delivery room ] Okay, now! Now! Push! Push! Come on, you can do it! Push! Push!

[ Expectant Father runs into the delivery room to find Expectant Mother pushing a hospital bed against the wall ]

Doctor: Harder now! Keep pushing! Good! Now, lay on the bed. Excuse me, sir, I thought we told you to wait outside.

Expectant Father: Alright, I’ll wait outside. Okay. [ is pushed outside ] I’ll wait here. [ paces floor ]

[ the sound of crying can be heard ]

Second Doctor: You can do it, Doctor! You can deliver this baby!

[ Expectant Father rushes into the delivery room to find the Doctor crying and being consoled by a second doctor ]

Doctor: No! I can’t! I can’t do it!

Second Doctor: Hey! Sir! Would you please wait outside?

Expectant Father: Okay.. okay.. I’ll wait outside.. [ is pushed back outside ] I know.. I know.. [ paces the floor ]

Expectant Mother: Oh! Oh, Doctor, it’s beautiful, it’s so beautiful!

[ Expectant Father rushes back into the delivery room to find the Doctor showing off a painting of his to the Expectant Mother ]

Doctor: Thank you, you really think so? You see what I tried to do with the distance? I did some shading here, way off in the back.. Sir! Please!

Expectant Father: Okay, I’ll wait outside.. [ is pushed back outside ] Okay, I’ll wait out here.. [ paces ]

Doctor: [ exits from the delivery room ] I’m afraid we have some bad news.

Expectant Father: What?! What is it?!

Doctor: Well.. we just can’t come up with an ending for this sketch. We can’t keep going on and on with these lame jokes, and the whole premise was pretty flimsy to begin with.

Expectant Father: Well, yeah, but what about my wife?

Doctor: Oh, she’s fine. She had a baby boy.

[ Expectant Mother is wheeled out with the baby in her arms ]

Expectant Father: Oh, honey!

Expectant Mother: Isn’t he wonderful?

Doctor: Now, if you’ll take my advice, you’ll both get in your car and drive away from this sketch just as fast as possible.

Expectant Father: But, what about, uh.. you?

Doctor: Oh, I’ll be fine. I’m in another sketch over there, it’s much, much better than this one.

Expectant Father: We won’t forget this Doctor.

Doctor: Oh, I think you will. So long. Goodbye, you poorly developed characters, you!

[ SUPER: “The End” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Girl Watchers A Go Go

Girl Watcher #1…..Tom Hanks
Girl Watcher #2…..Jon Lovitz
Other Girl Watcher…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on the Girl Watchers standing on a street corner, as a woman walks past ]

Girl Watcher #1: Oh, yes!

Girl Watcher #2: Yes, indeed!

Girl Watcher #1: 49th and First. Excellent corner for scoping out the babes!

Girl Watcher #2: You said a mouthful!

Girl atcher #1: Whoa! Stop the presses! [ points at woman approaching ]

Girl Watcher #2: What have we here?

Girl Watcher #1: Hel-lo! [ the woman walks past without even blinking ] Good-bye..

Girl Watcher #2: Oh, yes.

Girl Watcher #1: Not interested in me at all.

Girl Watcher #2: No reaction whatsoever.

Girl Watcher #1: You know it, brother. Way too pretty for this hombre.

Girl Watcher #2: Yeah.. Oh, boy.. here comes another live one.

Girl Watcher #1: Mama mia!

Girl Watcher #2: Hel-lo! [ the woman walks past without even blinking ] Good-bye.

Girl Watcher #1: Oh, yeah.

Girl Watcher #2: Out of my league.

Girl Watcher #1: Mine, too.

Girl Watcher #2: Boy.. wouldn’t give me the time ‘o day.

Girl Watcher #1: Well, lookie here!

Girl Watcher #2: Oh.. me likes what me sees.

Girl Watcher #1: Good evening. [ the woman walks past without even blinking ] And good night.

Girl Watcher #2: Yow! Not even eye contact.

Girl Watcher #1: The ladies just don’t like me.

Girl Watcher #2: To say the least.

Girl Watcher #1: My face is just too wide.

Girl Watcher #2: Yeah, and my hairline can’t be helping, either.

Girl Watcher #1: I’d be hurt and disappointed if it didn’t happen so often.

Girl Watcher #2: So true.

Girl Watcher #1: Whoa! Babe alert!

Girl Watcher #2: Oh, yes. [ the woman walks past without even blinking ] Oh, no..

Girl Watcher #1: Like we didn’t even exist.

Girl Watcher #2: Completely indifferent.

Girl Watcher #1: Yes.

Girl Watcher #2: She wasn’t even that attractive. But still out of my reach. A sad comment on my life.

Girl Watcher #1: Yours and mine both. The good Lord gave me this body, and there ain’t no changing it now.

Girl Watcher #2: A-men!

Girl Watcher #1: Yeah, this ol’ head’s just way out of proportion for this body.

Girl Watcher #2: And these eyebrows come together in the most unappealing way.

Girl Watcher #1: Tru-ly sad.

Girl Watcher #2: Okay, here we go. Bottom of the ninth, two outs, full count.

Together: Strike Three!

Girl Watcher #2: So, we are out!

Girl Watcher #1: Why did we even try? We have little sense of fashion, and we can’t even lure them weith money.

Girl Watcher #2: No way. We’ve got low-paying jobs with no hope for advancement.

Girl Watcher #1: And worse yet, I make poor conversation.

Girl Watcher #2: I.. hear ya!

Other Girl Watcher: [ walks up ] Hey, excuse me, fellas, but this is my corner!

Girl Watcher #1: No problem, amigo. We were just calling it quits.

Other Girl Watcher: No luck?

Girl Watcher #2: You know it.

Other Girl Watcher: I’d make fun of you guys, but I am just one sad sack myself.

Girl Watcher #1: Small consolation.

Girl Watcher #2: Oh, yeah.

[ the first two Girl Watchers exit the scene ]

Other Girl Watcher: Let the games commence!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Casey Kasem Sings The Beatles

Casey Kasem…..Dana Carvey

Announcer: You’ve heard him introduce hit music for two decades, and now available for a limited time only, M-Tel Records presetns “Casey Kasem Sings The Beatles”!

Casey Kasem: [ singing in monotone ] “Here comes the sun, and doo-doo-doo-doo. Here comes the sun, and I say it’s alright.”

Announcer: That’s right – Casey will sing all your Beatles favorites. Who can forget this classic:

Casey Kasem: “Let me take you down, ’cause I’m going to Strawberry Fields. Nothing is real, and nothing to get hung about.”

Announcer: You’ll get “Penny Lane”, “A Day In The Life”, “She Loves You”, “Elenoir Rigby, and no Beatles album would be complete without this favorite:

Casey Kasem: “Helter Skelter – bon-a-non-a-non-a-non! Helter Skelter – bon-a-non-a-non-a-non! Helter Skelter – bon-a-non-a-non-a-non! Boing!“

Announcer: Casey hopes you’ll enjoy this album of his favorite Beatles song. We think you’ll agree they’re fab!

Casey Kasem: “I am the Eggman. They are the Eggman. I am the Walrus. Coo-coo-ca-choo ca-coo-ca-choo ca-coo-ca-choo!”

Announcer: Just send $19.95 to Casey Kasem Sings The Beatles, care of Casey Productions, 100 Hollywood Boulevard, Hollywood, California. $1 for postage and handling.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 8

87h: Paul Simon / Linda Ronstadt

Desert Island Christmas

David…..Paul Simon
Victoria…..Victoria Jackson

[ open on couple shipwrecked on an island ]

David: [ drags in a palm tree ] Honey, I think I found our Christmas tree!

Victoria: Oh! It’s perfect, David!

David: And what Christmas would be complete without.. [ revealsbag of gifts ] ..presents!

Victoria: Oh, David, you shouldn’t have.

David: I wanted to. Because if you can’t get a laugh on a desertisland, when can you get a laugh?

Victoria: That’s true. I got you something, too! [ pulls out giftfrom behind a bush ] Merry Christmas!

David: Oh, honey..

Victoria: Go ahead, open them up!

David: [ curious ] What can this be..? [ opens gift ] It’s a watch!It’s beautiful! But where on Earth could you find a watch?

Victoria: I didn’t find it. I made it!

David: [ stunned ] You made this watch?

Victoria: Yeah! I found some copper-bearing ore in the hills, andso I made a kiln and I kind of smelded some out..

David: [ amazed ] You smelded the copper?

Victoria: Yeah, just a little. And, then I hammered it out intoflat sheets, and I kind of cut the gears out of the sheet, then sort ofput it all together.. You like it?

David: Of course! I love it! [ puts watch on and winds it ]It works! [ still amazed ] You made this watch?

Victoria: Yeah! You know, that’s real gold on the outside. I pannedit out in the stream.

David: I don’t know what to say. I mean, it’s amazing. I’m amazed!

Victoria: I was just hoping you’d like it.

David: Like it? Ilove it! But.. where’d you get the strap?

Victoria: That’s pigskin. I stalked and killed a wild pig. It tookme three days.

David: So that’s where you were!

Victoria: Yeah. Then I tanned the hide, and I cut part of it outfor the strap.. do you like it?

David: It’s wonderful!

Victoria: See the hand?

David: Yeah.

Victoria: Um.. they’re whiskers from the pig, and I soaked them inpalm resin to harden them.

David: I don’t know what to say.. I don’t know what to say..

Victoria: Let me open one of yours!

David: Well.. I feel awkaward about..

Victoria: No, no, no.. [ opens a gift ] Oh.. it’s a shell..

David: Yeah.. I sort of found it on the beach.. and I thought itwas pretty, and.. a watch! I can’t get over that! I just can’t get overthat!

Victoria: [ hugging her shell ] Honey, I love this shell, it’sbeautiful!

David: I don’t know.. it’s not a watch, or anything..

Victoria: Well, I love it! And I’ll always cherish it. Okay, now open your next present!

David: Oh, yeah.. [ grabs present ] Where did you get the fancywrapping paper?

Victoria: I made it?

David: You made it?

Victoria: Well, it was really easy. I mean, I just pounded somereef into mulch, and that’s, you know, about it..

David: And the design?

Victoria: Uh.. squid’s ink, I painted on the brush I made..

David: I see. [ reveals telescope ] It’s a telescope..

Victoria: Yeah!

David: It’s wonderful.. I mean.. you made this, I suppose?

Victoria: Well.. sort of, a little.. I carved it..

David: No, you made it. It’s wonderful. Thank you.

Victoria: You really like it?

David: I said I did, I said I liked it..

Victoria: Okay, now let me open yours! [ David protests ] Oh, nowdon’t be that way.. [ she opens her next gift ] Ohhh.. it’s a.. it’s a..

David: It’s a potholder.

Victoria: Oh! Ineed a potholder! I really do!

David: I know you don’t! I know we don’t even have pots.. [ sarcastic ]Oh, maybe you could smeld some!

Victoria: Oh, come on.. [ opens another gift ] This is.. anothershell!

David: Another shell.

Victoria: It’s wonderful! Look, they’re even the same kind!

David: Well, I thought maybe you could use them together.. or something..

Victoria: Oh, I will! I will!

David: Do you really like them?

Victoria: Honey, I do. They’re from you, and that’s all that reallymatters.

David: Well, they are pretty nice..

Victoria: So are you. [ kisses him ]

David: Well, you know what I’m gonna do? I think I’m gonna go upon the big mountain, and I’m gonna check out my telescope. And I’ll beback.. oh! [ checks watch ] I’ll be back at 4 o’clock!

Victoria: Okay. Oh, David?

David: Yeah?

Victoria: Oh.. never mind..

[ David walks off to play with telescope. Victoria stays behind, pulls abush apart to reveal a motor scooter she made for him ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 8

87h: Paul Simon / Linda Ronstadt

Succinctly Speaking

Kathleen Fulmer…Nora Dunn
Tarzan…Kevin Nealon
Tonto…Jon Lovitz
Frankenstein…Phil Hartman

[Open on talk show set with title SUPER: “SUCCINCTLY SPEAKING.” Theme music plays. Seated from left to right are Frankenstein, host Kathleen Fulmer, Tarzan and Tonto]

Don Pardo V/O: “Succinctly Speaking” with Kathleen Fulmer.

[Applause as camera zooms in to Kathleen]

Kathleen Fulmer: Good evening and welcome to “Succinctly Speaking.” I’m Kathleen Fulmer. My guests today include Tonto, Tarzan and Frankenstein. All right, Tarzan, let’s start with you: Fire.

Tarzan: Fire good.

Kathleen Fulmer: Mm-hmm. Tonto?

Tonto: Fire good.

Kathleen Fulmer: All right. Frankenstein?

Frankenstein: [Growls] Fire bad!

Kathleen Fulmer: Okay, we have a difference of opinion, and I think that’s what makes our forum work, the give and take. Don’t you think? [Tarzan and Tonto nod. Frankenstein scowls at Kathleen] Okay, let’s move on, shall we? Bread.

Frankenstein: [Growls] Bread good!

Kathleen Fulmer: Hold on. Hold on, Frankenstein, we’ll get to you. Tonto?

Tonto: Bread good, Kemo Sabe.

Kathleen Fulmer: Mm-hmm. Tarzan.

Tarzan: Bread good.

Kathleen Fulmer: All right.

Tarzan: I no.. I no eat bread.

Kathleen Fulmer: Good. Frankenstein?

Frankenstein: Bread, gooood!

Kathleen Fulmer: All right. Now before we move on, let’s talk about something that is in the news very much these days: the I.N.F. Treaty. Tarzan?

Tarzan: Tarzan like treaty. Make world safer for Tarzan and Boy.

Kathleen Fulmer: All right. There’s a strong endorsement. Tonto?

Tonto: Hmm, me no trust treaty, Kemo Sabe.

Kathleen Fulmer: All right. Frankenstein?

Frankenstein: Fire bad!

Kathleen Fulmer: Okay, but what about the I.N.F. Treaty?

Frankenstein: [Growls]

Tonto: Excuse me, Miss Fulmer. Frankenstein not understand question.

Kathleen Fulmer: Oh, I’m sorry. The I.N.F. Treaty, it outlaws medium-range nuclear, excuse me, nuclear missiles, at least that in a European theater.

Frankenstein: [Growls, then breaks character and laughs] Fire bad!

Kathleen Fulmer: Thank you. Well, that’s all the time we have. Join us next week when we’ll be talking with the cavemen from Quest For Fire.

[Phil is trying hard to hold in his laughter. He stands up and tries to stay in character as he walks to the back of the set]

Frankenstein: [Growls] Fire [laughs] bad! Fire bad! [He breaks through the back wall of the set. Tarzan jumps onto his chair, then climbs back down]

Tonto: Frankenstein fear fire, not understand booking. [Frankenstein growls off-camera]

Tarzan: Line between fantasy and reality blurry for Frankenstein.

[Frankenstein re-enters through the hole he made in the wall]

Frankenstein: [Growls] Fire bad! [Growls and walks toward the camera, then exits]

Kathleen Fulmer: [Waves] Good night. Join us, uh, next week. It’s been a wonderful show. Drive safely.

[Applause. Dissolve to show title as theme plays. Fade]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts