[ Paul Simon, the musician, and Paul Simon, the Senator, both walk ontoCenter Stage ]
Paul Simon: You know, this is very embarassing.. and I was surethat they meant me!
Sen. Paul Simon: I just assumed they wanted me – Paul Simon,the Senator!
Paul Simon: Well.. it’s a comedy show.. and it’s a music show.. so,it’s gotta be me, I mean who else?
Sen. Paul Simon: I guess. I just wish somebody had told me earlier.I’ve been rehearsing since Thursday here.
Paul Simon: It gets very hectic here, and you can get lost in theshuffle.
Sen. Paul Simon: I understand. Like New Hampshire.
Paul Simon: Well.. it’s just one of those things that can hpapen toanybody.. named Paul Simon.
Sen. Paul Simon: You wouldn’t believe how many times this has happenedto me!
Paul Simon: And to me. I remember one time I had shown up with myguitar at a Democratic Women’s Convention in Audobon, Iowa.
Sen. Paul Simon: And how about that benefit at Madison Square Garden?I’m up on the stage trying to debate with Bruce Springsteen!
Paul Simon: You know, actually, I thought that you were very clearlythe winner on that debate.
Sen. Paul Simon: Why, thank you, Paul. Thank you.
Paul Simon: Look, as long as you’re here, why don’t you, as they say, you know, kick back, relax, and just enjoy the show?
Sen. Paul Simon: Well, I’d love to.. I gotta get up early tomorrow,you know.. to run for President.
Paul Simon: I understand. I just feel so bad that you came allthis way..
Sen. Paul Simon: Well, I do, too, frankly. I was supposed to be inSioux Falls, South Dakota tonight, at a fundraising dinner.
Paul Simon: You know, this is a live show. And something couldhappen to me, and then you could be right there.. you could be like theother Paul Simon..
Sen. Paul Simon: Sort of “a heartbeat away”?
Paul Simon: We’ve got a great show tonight, with my good friendLinda Ronstadt, so stick around!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 13: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 19th, 1987 Paul Simon Linda Ronstadt None Sen. Paul Simon Tom Davis Marc Shaiman Jesus’ Surprise Party
Montage
Paul Simon’s MonologueSummary: Confusion arises over whether Paul Simon the singer is hosting tonight’s show, or Paul Simon the senator. First Hosted: 75b. Bio: Sen. Paul Simon (1928-2003). Politician; served in U.S. House of Representatives, 1975-85; Illinois State Senator, 1985-97. Transcript
Gary Hart AdSummary: Gary Hart’s effect on women makes him too hard for them to get him out of their mind. Note: Repeat from: 87a.
Desert Island ChristmasSummary: Being stranded on a desert island hasn’t stopped a woman (Victoria Jackson) from bestowing lavish gifts upon her boyfriend (Paul Simon) at Christmastime. Transcript
Master Thespian As Santa ClausRecurring Characters: Master Thespian.
Linda Ronstadt & The Mariachi Vargas performs “Los Laureles” & “La Cigarra”First Performed: 78s. Bio: Mariachi Vargas. In its original form, the group was founded by Gaspar Vargas in Tecalitlán, Jalisco, Mexico in 1898.
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Dennis Miller.
Announcer: Attention, please: During tonight’s performance, the taking of photographs is strictly prohibited.
Sean Penn: I’d like to thank L.L. Cool J for playing my lover in jail. But nothing like that ever happened in jail – not that I didn’t have some opportunities. But I want to make that clear, because I think there’s enough weird conceptions about me already. I guess that the biggest one is that, uh.. that I’m married to Madonna. I wish! And, uh.. the other is that I punch out photographers everywhere I go – yeah, in my dreams! I do, though, have a deep resentment against photographers, but there’s a real good reason for that.
[ piano music plays ]
It goes back to when I was a kid in Hollywood, and a roving gang of celebrity photographers raided and burned our home. I must have been 4 or 5 at the time, but I still remember my father waking me and my brothers up and telling us, “Run from the house, and don’t return until the celebrity photographers have gone.” We lost everything in that fire. And I’ll never forget the picture they splashed across the newspapers – “Malibu Family Flees Burning House”. And, why? Because it was a slow news day. Maybe someday I’ll forget that terrible night, and, if I do, that’s the day you’ll see my smiling face on the cover of the New York Post. Until then, you’ll be seeing this: [ covers his face wih his jacket ]
We have a great show, so stick around. We’ve got L.L. Cool J, and the Pull. We’ll be right back!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 13: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 31st, 1987 Dabney Coleman The Cars Cassandra Peterson Ric Ocasek Lifestyles Of The Rich, Famous, & ScaryBio: Cassandra Peterson (1951-). Actress; former showgirl at the Dunes in Las Vegas, of which the Guinness Book of World Records lists her as the youngest on record in the city’s history Elvira; joined the Groundlings in 1979, where she developed the prototype for her Elvira, Mistress of the Dark persona.
Montage
Dabney Coleman’s MonologueBio: Dabney Coleman (1932-). Actor; films include “Nine to Five” (1980), “Tootsie” (1982), “Cloak & Dagger” (1984); starred in TV series “Buffalo Bill”, 1983-84 and “The Slap MaxWell Story”, 1987-88.
Fiber
The Winning SpiritSummary: A blind man (Dabney Coleman) expresses extreme bitterness over his disability. Transcript
Don’t Go Down To The Basement
Scoutmaster
The Cars performs “Strap Me In”Also Performed: 83s.
Dr. Dick Mauser……Dabney Coleman Gary…..Kevin Nealon Marybeth…..Nora Dunn
[ open on nameplate: “Dr. Dick Mauser, Marriage Counselor” ]
[ dissolve to interior, Dr. Mauser’s office, as he sits between Gary and Marybeth ]
Dr. Dick Mauser: Well, Gary and Marybeth, I’m glad you two have sought professional counseling. That says to me that you’re both committed to working out your differences to save your marriage.
Gary: Well, Doctor, I gotta admit, coming here was her idea.
Dr. Dick Mauser: Well, maybe so, Gary. But you came here, and to me that says everything. Marriage is like a garden, it takes a lot of work, it needs nurturing. But hey, you’ve gotten over the hardest part. I mean, you’ve walked through that door, and that says to me that you’re.. in my office. [ brief pause ] Okay, let’s talk.
Marybeth: Dr. Mauser, it is such a relief to finally get this out in the open in front of an objective third party.
Dr. Dick Mauser: Uh-huh.
Marybeth: Now, God knows I’ve tried to talk to Gary, but there’s no communication! I’m talking to myself!
Dr. Dick Mauser: Well, you see, that’s exactly why I’m here. To listen, and to help you hear each other.
Marybeth: That’s music to my ears, Doctor. Now, what am I feeling? I feel neglected. The kids feel neglected. Gary works late, he works weekends. And when he’s not working, he’s out golfing!
Dr. Dick Mauser: Mmm-hmm. I see. [ turns to Gary ] Now, what’s your handicap?
Gary: 5.
Dr. Dick Mauser: 5? No kidding? So’s mine! We ought to play sometime!
Marybeth: He takes no responsibility at home! It’s as if he’s a complete stranger! He treats the house like it’s a hotel!
Gary: Yeah, yeah, it’s my fault, right! It’s all me!
Marybeth: Honey, I’m just trying to explain to Dr. Mauser that I —
Dr. Dick Mauser: Look, honey, Dr. Mauser doesn’t need things explained to him, okay? Now, Gary, I’m sensing you’re feeling unappreciated.
Gary: Well, yeah, I think they ought to appreciate me, now that you mention it, Dr. Mauser.
Dr. Dick Mauser: Call me Dick, if you want to.
Gary: Dick, I work hard for a living.
Dr. Dick Mauser: Uh-huh. You bust your butt, I’m sure.
Gary: Yeah! I come home, and there’s no “Hi honey, how are you?” There’s no dinner on the table —
Marybeth: Well, you come home at 3 a.m.!
Dr. Dick Mauser: Sweetheart, would you give it a rest? Huh? Now, you were saying, Gary?
Gary: Uh.. I was saying that I work hard.. and, uh.. I work hard.
Dr. Dick Mauser: Long hours, you’re beat, you need sympathy, a little validation, and she doesn’t seem to get that. I mean, with her it’s all me, me, me!
Marybeth: It just so happens that she finds it hard to sympathize with a man that thinks nothing of shooting skeet in the backyard! We have small children running around! Now, am I crazy to set up a few simple rules?!
Gary: [ sighs heavily ] See, this is what I have to put up with right here!
Dr. Dick Mauser: No, no, wait a minute.. is this true, Gary? You shoot skeet in your backyard?
Gary: Well.. Jason loves it.
Marybeth: Justin! Your son’s name is Justin!
Dr. Dick Mauser: Hey, hey – Jason, Justin, what difference does it make, okay? Skeet shooting in your own backyard? I mean, what kind of gun do you use?
Gary: Well, I just bought a new 12-gauge Remington.
Dr. Dick Mauser: Oh, really? Do you prefer that to the Winchester?
Gary: Oh, no comparison! It’s got good balance, real knock down power —
[ Marybeth stands to leave ]
Dr. Dick Mauser: Hey, hey, hey! You sit your big, fat butt down, okay!
Marybeth: [ annoyed ] Well, I beg your pardon, Doctor! I came here to salvage what is left of my marriage! Now, when he slinks home at all hours of the morning, stinking of gin and jungle gardenia, am I paranoid to think that you’re sleeping with your twenty-three year-old secretary?!!
Dr. Dick Mauser: Now, wait.. wait a minute.. once again, that’s a very serious accusation. Is this true, Gary?
Gary: [ hesitant ] Well.. actually.. she’s 22.
Marybeth: I knew it! I knew it! I knew I’m not imagining things!
Dr. Dick Mauser: [ mimicks her ]
Gary: [ gushing ] Chrissy is unbelievable, man! She thinks I’m a god!
Dr. Dick Mauser: Yeah? What, legs up to.. about here? [ points to his upper thigh ]
Gary: Yeah! And hooters that just won’t quit!
[ they laugh ]
Dr. Dick Mauser: Look, look, look, wait a minute.. Okay, I gotta apologize here, because we’re getting off the subject a little bit. Let’s use the old Democratic process, shall we? Why don’t we just say all those that think Gary is right and she is wrong, why don’t we just raise our right hands right now?
[ Gary and Dr. Mauser raise their hands ]
Gary: Gary! Gary! Gary!
Together: Gary!! Gary!! Gary!!
Marybeth: Gentlemen!
[ the chanting ceases ]
Dr. Dick Mauser: Well, what is it?
Marybeth: This is not exactly the objective forum I was seeking when I decided to get some marital help! I will leave you now to measure your penises! Good day!
[ Marybeth storms out of the office ]
Dr. Dick Mauser: Hmm.. wow. Gary, uh.. let me ask you a question, okay?
Gary: Sure, Dick, shoot.
Dr. Dick Mauser: Do you, uh.. do you think the Yankeees did the right thing hiring Billy Martin back?
Gary: Hey, I don’t think that was their problem. They need a good left-handed pitcher.
Deborah: Hello, and welcome to “The Winning Spirit”, the show that profiles those special individuals who have surmounted the odds and inspired us all. Now, our scheduled guest, Barry Ripley, the one-legged soccer player, couldn’t make it tonight. But Mr. Hal Everett, who is sightless, has agreed to step in at the last minute. Thank you so much, Hal.
Hal Everett: Yeah. Right.
Deborah: Now, Hal.. you lost your sight in a freak accident, is that right?
Hal Everett: Yeah. that’s, uh.. that’s right, uh.. what’s your name again?
Deborah: Deborah.
Hal Everett: Deborah, it happened about six years ago – I don’t really want to go into the details, but it was porcupine-oriented.
Deborah: I’m sure it was a terrible blow. But you’ve learned to overcome your blindness, haven’t you?
Hal Everett: Overcome it?
Deborah: Yeah.
Hal Everett: What is that, a joke?
Deborah: Well.. no. I mean, I’m sure you still have a fulfilling life, right?
Hal Everett: Doing what? Listening to a sunset? Didn’t they tell you, honey? I’m blind, okay? Hello! Blind! Where are you? Can’t see you!
Deborah: I.. understand that, but.. given everything, isn’t blindness just one more obstacle to overcome?
Hal Everett: Yeah, right. I’ll tell you what, why don’t you try it for about a day and a half?
Deborah: Okay.. well.. I’m sure it’s very challenging.. But what about the positives? We’ve had guests who’ve mentioned special advantages blind people have. For example, your other senses are heightened, aren’t they?
Hal Everett: Oh, yeah. Yeah, they’re great. I can smell a little better now, that really comes in handy on the subway every day. Not to mention, the hearing, of course, you know? So, let’s figure this one out – I can hear crickets chirp a little louder than you can, and you can see? Yeahhh.. that sounds fair. That’s a fair trade-off. Thanks, God!
Deborah: Well, of course.. nothing could compensate for it.. but.. you must be grateful to have your loyal seeing-eye dog, right? I mean, isn’t there a special close relationship there that sighted people just can’t appreciate?
Hal Everett: Well, first of all, on the dog – he doesn’t like me, and I don’t like him. And, when it rains, of course, that’s really great, because I get to use that enhanced sense of smell we were talking about, that’s a wonderful thing.
Deborah: Right.. right.. well, what about your sense of touch? Now, that must be useful. Here, I’m going to take your hand.. [ rubs his hand across her face ]
Hal Everett: No, no, no, no, no! Don’t do that, okay? That’s like out of some bad movie. [ awkward pause ] Did I get it in your nose?
Deborah: No! [ struggling to keep the interview alive ] You mentioned God earlier. Now, you haven’t lost faith in God, have you?
Hal Everett: No, no, no. I stil believe there’s a God, no question about that. I just hate his guts right now.
Deborah: Alright. Well, you’re a little bitter, Hal, no doubt about it. But you haven’t let it stop you from living a normal life, have you, Hal?
Hal Everett: Well, yeah.. I’m pretty much dead in the water, I’d say. Mostly, I just hang around the house and drink a lot of beer. That’s about it.
Deborah: Perhaps you have some advice for other handicapped people out there, something you’d like to say to those who might be asking, “Why me?”
Hal Everett: Mmm. Well.. I guess I could say, “Join the club, fellas. We’re screwed. Why you? Why me?”
Deborah: You know something? You’re a horrible man, you know that? I mean, a few weeks ago we had a blind horseshoe pitcher on, and he was just wonderful! And then we had a blind skydiver, and he has managed to adapt!
Hal Everett: Well, they’re insane, honey, they’ve got no grip on reality. Guys, you’re blind! Okay? Calm down! Stop embarrassing the rest of us! What is it that you people want, anyway? Do you want us to perform for you, is that it?
Deborah: No!
Hal Everett: Well, I’ll tell you what, why don’t I just do a little dance for you, okay? [ stands up and dances like a jackass ]
Deborah: No! No! Stop it! [ starts crying ]
Hal Everett: Are you crying?
Deborah: [ between tears ] Yes!
Hal Everett: Ah, she’s crying. Alright, will you stop it? Look, I’m sorry. I’ll think of something that’s nice to say about blind people, okayt?
Deborah: [ calming her tears ] Okay.
Hal Everett: Something like, okay, “If you go blind, it’s not so bad, you get a nice tax thing, a little deduction there. Oh, yeah, and you can look right at an eclipse, that’s no problem.”
Deborah: Well, that was very inspiring, Hal. Uh.. we’ll be back next week with Tim O’Grady, the legless, armles songwriter, who I promise is not bitter, and he’ll make you feel good about your life.
[ Opening music: “Suffragette City” by David Bowie ]
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with anchorperson Dennis Miller.
[ Applause ]
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Uh, good evening, and what can I tell you?
[ Monitor: Picture of Daily News headline “RON, GORBY SET THE DATE” ]
Well, it’s official: Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev yesterday announced plans to marry on December 7th. Some of you might scoff at these two young kids making it, but I think it’s touching. Love does conquer all, even minor differences on the Star Wars Defense Initiative.
This December 7th, the summit, which will ban all medium-range nuclear missiles, and it’s already hit its first snag: the National Rifle Association has officially protested the treaty and says its members will continue to own and carry nuclear missiles, but only for hunting and self-protection, of course.
[ Monitor: Picture of Ginsburg ] This is Reagan’s new Supreme Court nominee, judge Douglas Ginsburg. The fact that there is almost no written record on his views and opinions has confounded liberal opponents of judge Ginsburg. Weekend Update has uncovered some of Ginsburg’s writings, and I’d like to share ’em with you right now … [ takes out a copy of Allen Ginsberg’s Howl and reads from it ] … it’s a piece called “Howl” …
I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving, hysterical, naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn, looking for an angry fix, angel-headed hipsters, burning. [ puts the book away ] I dunno, I think this Ginsburg sounds like a very heavy cat, and I think uh … I think he’s gonna make a groovy justice.
And another wild week for stocks, as Cale Yarborough overcame Richard Petty to win the Talladega 500 NASCAR race.Vice-president George Bush, who has been looking to stake out his own political identity, finally broke with President Reagan for the first time this week. Speaking in Iowa, Bush said that he believes a president should work hard and know what’s going on.
[ Monitor: picture of George H.W. Bush ] According to White House sources, Vice-president Bush last night said he had a dream, and he was a dashing buccaneer who sailed the Spanish main, rescuing maidens in distress and seizing treasure which he distributed to the poor. But when Mr. Bush awoke this morning, he was still vice-president, the Barney Fife of world politics.
[ Monitor: another picture of George H.W. Bush, looking intoxicated ] In a … in a valiant effort to fight off the “wimp” label, vice-president George Bush has announced that, for the rest of the campaign, he’s changing his name to George Butch.
Dennis Miller: As a public service, tonight’s Weekend Update will have no stories about Jessica Hahn, Donna Rice, Fawn Hall or Tammy Faye Baker. It’s nothing personal, it’s just, enough is enough, okay girls?
[ Applause. Dennis sits a ventriloquist dummy on his lap, then puts it away ]
Dennis Miller: No, no, what the hell am I doin’? You know …
Michael Jackson’s pet chimp, Bubbles, this week offered to pay $1,000,000 for the remains of John Merrick’s dog, the Elephant Benji.
The degenerative leniency that continues to erode the credibility of the California legal system was evident again this week when a man was acquitted in an L.A. murder trial after entering a plea of “cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.”Another near miss in the sky: earlier tonight, a PanAm jumbo jet came within fifty feet of a witch on a broomstick over Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport.
The federal government has gone ahead and allocated funds commissioning the building of a network of houses across the country which will attend to elderly people beginning to suffer from minor memory lapses. The so-called Ronald McReagan Houses will open in the spring of 1988.
Champion Garry Kasparov and challenger Anatoly Karpov both stormed out of the 7th game of the World Chess Championship Match in Seville, Spain, yesterday. Instead of riding out the tantrums, as per usual, the World Chess Federation brought in two replacement players to finish the game. Kasparov lost when his replacement, Jim Bob Booker, tried to jump Karpov’s king.
You know, I know there’s a trend towards frightening realism in children’s Halloween costumes, but I think it’s gone way too far. Imagine my terror when I answered my door earlier this evening, to find one of the little neighborhood kids je- dressed as Joan Collins’ estranged husband, Peter Holm. And the kid was really nasty. I gave him some Milk Duds, and he said that wasn’t enough, he also wanted the house.
Here now with a special Halloween message is Elvira, the mistress of the dark. Hello, Elvira.
[ Applause ]
Elvira: [ sitting next to a small jack-o-lantern ] Hello. You know, tonight is a night when kids go trick-or-treating, their parents dress up in silly costumes, and jack-o-lanterns grin from porches everywhere. And all of these things are fine, but … it’s important to look beyond the candy corn and the, and the apple bobbing, and the orange and black crepe paper, and — and remember the true meaning of Halloween. I mean, Halloween is about death … and dying, and rotting forever in a dank, musty old coffin! It’s about panic and despair and screaming, always screaming … it’s about firing point blank into the head of an oncoming zombie, and all his gross junk starts leaking out! And it slows him down for a second, but then he just keeps on coming! … It’s about tapping your best friend on the shoulder and, and then turning him around and, “Oh my god — what have they done to him?!?” Folks, I mean the cardboard skeleton has its place, and as long as we don’t forget uh, you know, the meat hook. I mean, soaping windows can be fun, but — let’s not forget about burying people alive. So tonight, while you’re dressing up as a hula dancer, just take a moment to think of a — of a skull, with like worms crawling out of the eye holes … thank you.
[ Applause ]
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Elvira. [ shakes hands with her ] It’s good to have you here. [ waits for applause to finish ] Thanks, Elvira. I think it needed to be said. You know, I bought a new Sony TV this week and I’m really confused about whether or not I’m supposed to peel off that sticker with the orange dots on it.
[ Monitor: picture of joggers ] And tomorrow’s event is the 18th annual New York City Marathon, and while I’m not much for exercise to commemorate the event, I’m going to get up early and jog my memory. Hey, guess what, folks? That’s the news and I am outta here.
[ Dennis gathers his papers as “Suffragette City” plays again. Fade to black ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 13: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
November 14th, 1987 Robert Mitchum Simply Red None Jane Greer Bentley Mitchum Marc Shaiman The Rolling Paper Chase
Montage
Robert Mitchum’s MonologueSummary: Robert Mitchum explains that hosting “Saturday Night Live” is practically the only thing he has left to accomplish in his lengthy acting career. Bio: Robert Mitchum (1917-97). Actor; one of the biggest stars of the film noir style; notable films include: “Out of the Past” (1947), “The Night of the Hunter” (1955), “Thunder Road” (1958), “Cape Fear” (1962); also released a calypso album in 1957, as well as a country album in 1967. Transcript
CompulsionSummary: In a spoof of Calvin Klein perfume ads, an obsessive-compulsive woman (Jan Hooks) continuously cleans amidst her surroundings. Transcript
Death Be Not DeadlySummary: Private eye Phillip Marlowe (Robert Mitchum) annoys his clients whenever he interrupts their conversation to narrate the scene for the audience.
“Out of Gas”Bio: Jane Greer (1924-2001). Actress; former teen model; started in show business as a big band singer, briefly married to bandleader Rudy Valleep; co-starred with Robert Mitchum in “Out of the Past” (1947). Bio: Bentley Mitchum (1967-). Actor; grandson of actor Robert Mitchum; bit parts in TV and films include Brian Cooper in “The Wonder Years”.
Narrator…..Phil Hartman Man…..Dana Carvey Woman…..Jan Hooks Model…..Nora Dunn
[ open in a dark, French setting ]
Narrator: She was like the air. Brittle and easily broken.
[ shows title: COMPULSION, as dramatic music starts ]
How could one so perfect, be so flawed?
Man: Dearest..
Woman: Not now. I’m busy. [ is seen scrubbing the stairs ]
Narrator: She was an incondescant angel, dancing on the edge of a ritual that was both innocent and jejune.
Man: Yes. She was.
Narrator: [ annoyed at man ] Her translucent figure, glowing in the light andfire of her overwhelming passion.
[ Woman picks up a chess piece and wipes under it, then looks at the sponge and sees the dirt it picked up ]
Woman: Save me…. [ Man pulls her toward him ]
Man: Why?
Narrator: I wonder what was the greater transgression. Loving her, or abiding her immaculate madness.
[ a wine glass is knocked over, as Woman tries to clean up the mess ]
Model: A little club soda will get that out.
Woman: Liar!
Narrator: She was consumed. Obsessed. Never able to enjoy her own party.
Man: I alone felt her torment. Her deepest secrets known only to me.
[ Narrator slaps Man in the face ]
Woman: If keeping a clean house is a crime, then let me be guilty!
Model: Guilty! [ another model gasps ]
Narrator: A horrifying creature. What was it we could not give her, or sheunderstand? [ everyone is dancing, while woman tries to vacuum after them ]
[ setting is now black and white and shows Woman behind bottle of Compulsion ]Woman: Somewhere between cleanliness and godliness lies Compulsion, theworld’s most indulgent disinfectant. From Calvin Kleen.
Air Date:
