Category: 1987

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 4

87d: Robert Mitchum / Simply Red

The Mountain Man

Mountain Man…..Dana Carvey
Rhonda…..Victoria Jackson
Sydney…..Jon Lovitz

[ fade in on a panorama of the mountain wilderness ]

Announcer: There have been many trappers and hunters in these woods.But none is manly as Rick “Peachfuzz” Parsons, the Mountain Man.

[ fade to inside a cabin, where the Mountain Man is cleaning his rifle bythe fireplace. Cut to the front door. ]

Rhonda: Here it is, honey – Mountain Man Tours. It’ll be so much fun.

Sydney: [ whining ] I’m tired!

Rhonda: Oh, come on. [ knocks at the door. Cut to the inside. ]

Mountain Man: Come in!

Rhonda: [ enters ] Hello, are you the tour guide they call theMountain Man?

Mountain Man: Yeah, that’s me.

Sydney: Hi, I’m Sydney Tacker. This is my wife, Rhonda.

Mountain Man: Yeah?

Rhonda: We heard about you, and we’d like to take that three-day hikeinto the mountains.

Mountain Man: Yeah, you would, huh?

Sydney: You’re a lot younger. I thought you’d be a lot bigger than that.

Mountain Man: [ points a flashlight at Sydney ] A baby cougar couldtake your leg off with one swipe.

Sydney: I understand.

Mountain Man: Yeah, you should. Let me ask you a question: you ever beento the mountains?

Sydney: Well no, actually, this is our first day.

Mountain Man: Well you know, these mountains can do funny things to aman.

Sydney: Yes, well I would imagine they could.

Mountain Man: Good response, Syd. Maybe I’ll take you to the mountainsafter all.

Rhonda: [ leaping for joy ] Yay!

Mountain Man: Shut up! I said “maybe.” First you gottalearn about mountain food. Mountain food, I love it. Slim jim tough rum beefjerky, I love that crap. [ takes a piece of food out of his pocket ] Thishere’s a banana chip, compact, efficient, perfect food for the mountains.Now, put it in your mouth. [ holds it up to Rhonda ] Put-it-in-your-mouth![ forces it in her mouth, where she keeps it ] Wrong! First rule of themountains: you don’t put something in your mouth just because a man tells youto. [ forces the food out ] Might make you sick. [ shoves it in his own mouth ]

Rhonda: See honey, I told you that.

Mountain Man: Shut up! You make me sick, you weekend campers with yoursquash-melted Hershey bars and your six pack of Perrier water!

Sydney: Hey, it’s not necessary to make fun of us.

Mountain Man: What do you know about essentials, you slipper boy?

Sydney: Look, I think we made a mistake. [ turns to leave ] Come on,let’s get going.

Rhonda: Oh honey, come on, it won’t be that bad.

Mountain Man: Come on, Sydney, I’m sorry about that. You wanna cometo the mountains, don’t you?

Sydney: Oh, I suppose.

Rhonda: Yeah, that’s the spirit.

Mountain Man: You’ve got some set of ovaries, woman.

Rhonda: Thank you. Um, did you hunt all those animals? [ gestures tothe animals hanging on the mantle ]

Mountain Man: Oh, so you noticed. Yeah, I killed them. [ admires theanimal heads ] I think if they could talk, they’d thank me.

Rhonda: Why?

Mountain Man: Why not? [to Sydney] What about you, ya ever kill anything?

Sydney: No, I think killing animals for sport is wrong.

Mountain Man: So you wouldn’t kill an animal. Ha!

Sydney: No.

Mountain Man: Yeah. Would you kill a moose that was molesting your wife?

Sydney: [ nervously ] Well, that would be different.

Mountain Man: Would it? I bet you have a teenie weenie peenie!

Sydney: [ stares down ] I’m very uncomfortable now. Goodbye. [ he andRhonda start to leave ]

Mountain Man: Wait a minute! Wait a minute. [ stops them ] I’m sorry,no you’re fine, you’re fine. Listen, if you don’t like the trip, I won’tcharge you. Now I just got a few more questions and we can hit thetrail! [ slaps them on the backs ] Huh?

Rhonda: All right!

Mountain Man: All right.

Rhonda: Let’s stay, Sydney.

Sydney: Oh, okay.

Mountain Man: Great, Sydney. [ picks up a heavy backpack ] You everbeen on a hundred-mile trip with a fifty-pound pack? [ throws the pack atSydney, who tries to catch it and falls down ]

Sydney: [ in pain ] No!

Mountain Man: Get up! Of course you haven’t, squat sergeant. Everfree-climbed a thousand-foot vertical cliff with sixty pounds of gearstrapped to your butt?

Sydney: [ uncomfortably ] No!

Mountain Man: ‘Course you haven’t, you fruit-whipped little geek!

Sydney: Hey wait a minute!

Mountain Man: Hey, you ever get a grizzly bear in a gridlock and askhim to say “Uncle”?

Rhonda: No, did you?

Mountain Man: Yeah. Do you think I was scared?

Rhonda: No, I don’t think you were scared.

Mountain Man: So scared I made a tiny poop in my Swiss hiking shorts.[ to Sydney ] Did you ever strap yourself nude to a mountain top and threatenyourself with a jackhammer?

Sydney: No.

Mountain Man: ‘Course you haven’t, you fruit-whipped little fairy!Panty-waisted little geek! How about this, you ever dip your head in hot,molten lava and just look around for a while?

Sydney: [ nervously, then confidently ] As a matter of fact, I have.

Mountain Man: You fool! You’d stick your head in a live volcano? Icannot be responsible for your safety. I’ve got to turn you folksdown. Now get out!

Sydney: [ shocked ] You’re turning us down?! We’re turningyou down! We came up here to enjoy nature, not to be abusedby some sickomaniac!

Mountain Man: [ calmly ] You are a tiny man. It’s many men like youthat make women turn lesbo.

Sydney: You can’t prove that!

Rhonda: Wait honey, remember what happened to your first wife?

Sydney: Shut up! Come on, let’s go! Let’s get out of here! I’vehad enough of this. [ he and Rhonda head for the door ]

Mountain Man: Wait a minute! Wait a minute.

Sydney: You’re a sick man!

Mountain Man: It’s not me! [ Rhonda and Sydney leave the cabin andslam the door ] It’s not me – it’s these damn mountains. They do funny thingsto a man.

[ coyote howls – Mountain Man stares off into space as the set fades to black ]

Submitted by: Rob Holtman

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 5


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 21st, 1987

Candice Bergen

Cher

Paul Shaffer & The World’s Most Dangerous Band

Sydney Biddle Barrows
A Message From the Vice-President of the United StatesSummary: Vice-President George Bush (Dana Carvey) announces that he’s staged a coup in order to deter his status as a wimp.

Recurring Characters: George Bush.

Montage

Candice Bergen’s MonologueSummary: While clutching a live turkey, Candace Bergen tells the audience about the pet turkey she had as a child.

First Hosted: 75d.

Pumping Up With Hans & FranzSummary: Hans (Dana Carvey) and Franz (Kevin Nealon) will put girly man Helmut (Phil Hartman) through an extensive and cruel exercise regime.

Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz, Helmut.

Anne BoleynSummary: King Henry VIII’s exiled wife, Anne Boleyn (Candace Bergen), decides how she wants to die following their divorce.

Judge Anthony Kennedy AdSummary: Machine parts will be taxed.

Ching ChangeSummary: Ching Change’s (Dana Carvey) sister Loose (Nora Dunn) dates a positive ethnic stereotype (Phil Hartman).

Recurring Characters: Ching Change, Loose.

Cher with Paul Shaffer & The World’s Most Dangerous Band performs “We All Sleep Alone”Bio: Cher (1946-). Singer-songwriter/actress; with Sonny Bono, comprised pop duo/TV variety act Sonny & Cher from 1964-75; married for the same length of time, producing one daughter, Chastity; later married rocker Gregg Allman, 1975-79; won the Academy Award for Best Actress for “Moonstruck” (1987).

Bio: The World’s Most Dangerous Band are the house band on “Late Night with David Letterman”, 1982-93; in addition to Shaffer, a former musical director on “SNL”, members are: Will Lee (bass guitar), Sid McGinnis (guitar), and Anton Fig (drums and percussion); the group would later double when Letterman moved operations to CBS for “The Late Show with David Letterman”, 1993-.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Thanksgiving ProstitutionSummary: The original Mayflower Madam (Candace Bergen) organizes a group of prostitutes for the pleasure of the Indians.

Bio: Sydney Biddle Barrows (1952-). Mayflower Madam; ran high-class prostitution/escort service in New York City from 1979-84; portrayed by Candice Bergen in the 1987 TV-movie based on her biography.

Country Through & ThroughSummary: Country singer’s (Dana Carvey) album expresses his humiliation.

Cher with Paul Shaffer & The World’s Most Dangerous Band performs “I Found Someone”

Thought BalloonsSummary: Their visual thoughts differ from a couple’s (Phil Hartman, Candace Bergen) conversation.

Peeping TomSummary: A peeping Tom (Kevin Nealon) watches as newly released Mace (Phil Hartman) tries to seduce a prostitute (Jan Hooks).

Recurring Characters: Mace.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 6


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 5th, 1987

Danny DeVito

Bryan Ferry

None

G.E. Smith

Cheryl Hardwick

Rhea Perlman
Reagan-GorbachevSummary: President Ronald Reagan (Phil Hartman) shows movie-related landmarks to Mikhail Gorbachev (Danny DeVito).

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Mikhail Gorbachev.

Transcript

Montage

Danny DeVito’s MonologueFirst Hosted: 81s.

Summary: Danny DeVito shows off his high school yearbook to prove that he and Bruce Springsteen went to school together.

Handi-OffSummary: Office employee Sheila (Victoria Jackson) seeks a product that will resolve the problem she faces by having extra digits.

Transcript

At The MoviesSummary: Gene Siskel (Kevin Nealon) and Roger Ebert (Phil Hartman) review Christmas porno films.

Recurring Characters: Roger Ebert.

Church ChatSummary: The Church Lady (Dana Carvey) talks to Danny DeVito about his so-called new “family friendly” movie, “Throw Momma From the Train”, then invites him to sing “Here Comes Santa Claus” while she performs a drum solo.

Recurring Characters: Church Lady.

Transcript

Bryan Ferry performs “The Right Stuff”Bio: Bryan Ferry (1945-). Singer-songwriter; lead vocalist for Roxy Music; briefly dated Jerry Hall in the 1970’s.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

The Jungle RoomSummary: Nancy Maloney (Victoria Jackson) will finally sing at Eddie Spimozo’s (Jon Lovitz) Jungle Room.

Recurring Characters: Eddie Spimozo, Charlie Loomis, Nancy Maloney.

White Trash Appraiser

Ann Landers’ PlayhouseRecurring Characters: Ann Landers.

Bryan Ferry performs “Kiss & Tell”

The DoormanSummary: A tenant (Phil Hartman) and his doorman (Danny DeVito) fail to accurately recall events since knowing one another.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 6

87f: Danny DeVito / Bryan Ferry

Church Chat

Church Lady…..Dana Carvey
Jessica Hahn…..Jan Hooks
…..Danny DeVito

Church Lady: Hello, I’m the Church Lady, and this is “Church Chat”. Well, you know, the holiday season has arrived. And, with it, a little letter from Toledo, Ohio. Let’s read that, shall we?

[ reading ] “Dear Church Lady: I am shocked at the number of people who bring their children to total strangers in Santa suits, and allow them to hold their young ones firmly on their pelvic regions, offer them candy and whisper, ‘Don’t be afraid to tell me what you really want!’ What causes this mass hysteria?” Signed, Elaine.

Well, Elaine, let’s examine thew word “Santa”, shall we? [ holds up board with “SANTA” spelled across it in removeable letters ] Santa. Let’s see, what have we got here? We’ve got an S and an A, an N, a T, and another A. Hmm.. [ rearranges the letters ] Who could be causing all those laps to bounce up and down curiously? Who would help grown men peel the focus from the baby Jesus on his birthday? Who could it be, I just don’t know. Could it be.. [ echo ] Satan!! [ the letters now spell “SATAN” ]

Alright, and now, speaking about bouncing up and down curiously, let’s welcome my first guest, Jessica Hahn.

[ Jessica Hahn sits before the Church Lady ]

Church Lady: Welcome, Jessie.

Jessica Hahn: Well, thank you for having me here, Church Lady, it’ll give me a chance to finally clear my name.

Church Lady: Oh, it does need clearing once again, doesn’t it? Just when you think your story’s over, Jessie, you pop up again, just like some nasty bacterial fungus you get at a gas station bathroom. It just simply won’t go away, will it?

Jessica Hahn: It’s been a very long year.

Church Lady: Yes. Well, let’s recap 1987 for you, shall we? Let’s see.. it went simple churchgoer, and then the Jim Bakker sex scandal, and now you’re Hugh Hefner’s live-in love muffing, aren’t you?

Jessica Hahn: Well, I’m denying allegations that I was a teenage prostitute on Lonmgg Island.

Church Lady: Yes, I remember your picture on the tabloid saying, “I am not a whore.”

Jessica Hahn: I am not a whore!

Church Lady: [ smug ] And I am not the Church Lady.

Jessica Hahn: What?!

Church Lady: Never mind, never mind. I’m just babbling.

Jessica Hahn: Well, I regret that I have to come forward once more and defend my character!

Church Lady: Yes, you seem to have to do that often. Where do people get these wacky ideas, Jessie? Where, oh where, oh where? [ holds up Playboy magazine with Jessica on the cover ] Certainly not from these pictures in Playboy magazine. I’m sure most Christians pose nude all the time. Well, let’s take a look at your little pictorial here.. [ flips pages ] Whoo-oo! Well, your naked breasts are oiled up nicely! Your back is arched, causing your bulbous buttocks to tip upward ever so slightly! Obviously, your celestial orifice is engorged and tingly –

Jessica Hahn: Okay,. we get the point, alright!

Church Lady: Alright, just relax, Jessie..

Jessica Hahn: Alright, peple can make fun of me all they want, I don’t care! Okay? But these pictures say something! They say that Jessica Hahn is nobody’s robot, alright! That she’s not gonna be used and thrown out! Now, being used and degraded in a hotel rom in Florida was not my decision! But being used and degraded on the pages of this magazine, that was my decision! Yeah! And I’m telling you, that for the first time in my life, I am in control of being used and degraded!

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special? Why don’t we just move on, Jessie? That was a nice little speech, we all have a tear in our eye, don’t we? [ Jessica moves down ] Alrighty. Now my next geust is making a second appearance on “Church Chat”. Join me, please, in welcoming Danny DeVito.

[ Danny DeVito sits in front of the Church Lady ]

Church Lady: Hello, Daniel.

Danny DeVito: Hi, Church Lady. Good to see you.

Church Lady: Alrighty. Now, Dan, you’ve been very, very busy. I understand you have a brand new motion picture out. “Throw Momma From the Train”.

Danny DeVito: That’s right.

Church Lady: Well, that’s a charmimg little title, Daniel. And what is the film about?

Danny DeVito: Well, in the movie I want Billy Crystal to do away with my mother – knock her off – because she’s a pain in the.. neck.

Church Lady: Mmm-hmm. So it’s a family picture. We’ve done a little film about murdering our mother. Just in time for Christmas. How conveenent!

Danny DeVito: Come on, loosen up, Church Lady. I mean, it’s a comedy. I mean, when was the last time you laughed?

Church Lady: I don’t think that’s any of your business.

Danny DeVito: [ chortles with glee ] I mean, it wouldn’t hurt you to go out and get your package wrapped every once in a while, you know what I’m saying!

Church Lady: Well, Daniel, I’m gonna have to say a little prayer against you for that one, okay? [ whispers her prayer ] Well, I hope someone’s beginning to feel a prickly sensation in their naughty area.

Jessica Hahn: Boy, I do, Church Lady.. I do.. I do..

Church Lady: I’m sure you do, Jessie. Why don’t you give it a rest.

Jessica Hahn: [ angry ] Alright, look! I did not come here to be insulted, alright!

Church Lady: No, that could happen on any street corner.

Jessica Hahn: Look, I’m warning you, lady!

[ Danny breaks them apart ]

Danny DeVito: Hey! This is the season to be jolly. Come on!

Church Lady: Alrighty, alrighty.. we like ourselves, let’s just cool off for a second. Thank you, Daniel, that’s very nice. And it is the holidays, which reminds me we have a special feature for your enjoyment – the debut of the “Church Chat” band. And, Danny, I understand you’re going to sing with our band.

Danny DeVito: You got it!

Church Lady: Alrighty. Well, I think that would be lovely.

Danny DeVito: They tell me you play a mean set of drums.

Church Lady: Well, I have been rehearsing on skins for a while, and I hope I can keep up with you. Why we just try that, okay? [ walks across the stge with Danny ] Right over here, we’ve got Pearl, and we’ve got Steven. It should be a lot of fun.

Danny DeVito: [ singing ]
“Here comes Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus
Right down Santa Claus Lane
Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer
are pulling on the reins.
Bells are ringing, children singing;
All is merry and bright.
Hang your stockings and..”

Church Lady: “..say your prayers!”

Danny DeVito: “‘Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.”

Take it, Church Lady, go babe!

[ Church Lady works the drums ]

Danny DeVito: She’s hot! She’s hot!

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special!

Danny DeVito: [ singing ]
“Here comes Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus
Right down Santa Claus Lane
He’s got a bag that is filled with toys
for the boys and girls again.
Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle,
What a beautiful sight.
Jump in bed, cover up your head,
‘Cause Santa Claus comes tonight!”

Announcer: This has been “Church Chat”, with the Church Lady.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 6

87f: Danny DeVito / Bryan Ferry

Reagan-Gorbachev

Mikhail Gorbachev…..Danny DeVito
Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman
Driver…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on Mikhail Gorbachev and Ronald Reagan sitting in the back of a limosine, riding through the heart of Washington, D.C. ]

Mikhael Gorbachev: It is important dat we not expect too much from dis Summit. But it is a first step. And, from such a step, many.. Please, Ron, would you stop staring at my forehead?

Ronald Reagan: Oh, I’m sorry! I did it again, didn’t I? I’m trying hard not to. I’ve got kind of a mental thing about it. Please continue.

Mikhael Gorbachev: Never mind, it wasn’t important. Anyway, here we are in Washington, D.C. Please give me the grand tour.

Ronald Reagan: Well, to begin with, as you can imagine, Mikhail, our nation’s capital is rich wih history. See that building over there with the big pillars?

Mikhael Gorbachev: Lincoln Memorial.

Ronald Reagan: Whatever. Anyway, that’s where Jean Arthur talked Jimmy Stewart out of giving up in “Mr. Smith Goes To Washington”.

Mikhael Gorbachev: “With malice toward none. With charity to all.”

Ronald Reagan: No, I believe she said, “You can’t quit now, Jeff.” Oh, look, over there – the Iwo Jima Memorial. Have you ever heard the story behind that?

Mikhael Gorbachev: I’m not sure.

Ronald Reagan: Well, evidently, John Wayne didn’t want to play that part.

Mikhael Gorbachev: I see.

Ronald Reagan: Duke had his heart set on doing “Slattery’s Hurricane”. But he was under contract to Warner Brothers at the time, and, well, Jack Warner phoned Duke’s agent, Lew Wasserman, and said, “Lew, if the Duke doesn’t do “Sands of Iwo Jima”, he’ll be shagging tennis balls for Tyrone Power.”

Mikhael Gorbachev: I’m sorry, who?

Ronald Reagan: Tyrone Power. Anyway, Duke did the movie and was nominated for an Academy Award. Now, you know who would have played Duke’s part if he’d gotten his way?

Mikhael Gorbachev: To play John Wayne’s part? I.. I don’t know..

Ronald Reagan: Forrest Tucker.

Mikhael Gorbachev: It is strange how these things happen.

Ronald Reagan: [ points ] Oh, look! The Pentagon. You, of course, would know this from “Seven Days in May”, “Fail Safe”, and so on. Remember the really big war room in “Fail Safe”?

Mikhael Gorbachev: [ lying ] Yes.

Ronald Reagan: Well, it’s in there. I’ve never seen it, but in the event a war breaks out, they’ll take me there, evidently.

Mikhael Gorbachev: Would it be possible for me to see this war room? It would be fascinating to compare it to the film.

Ronald Reagan: Well, I don’t see why not. You’re on the VIP tour.

Driver: Ah, Mr. President, I’m afraid we can’t visit the war room.

Ronald Reagan: Why not?

Driver: Well, sir, I’m quite certain the war room would be off-limits to Premier Gorbachev, being that he’s such a high-ranking Soviet official.

Ronald Reagan: Oh, right. You know, sometimes I forget that we’re mortal enemies.

Mikhael Gorbachev: Well, Ron, often I think that if the circumstances had been otherwise.. [ Reagan stares at the birthmark again ] ..you and I could have been great.. Well, we could have been good.. if.. [ irritated, covers up his borthmark with his hand and points to the Jefferson Memorial ] What monument is that?

Ronald Reagan: Hmm.. it might be the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.

Driver: It’s the Jefferson Memorial, sir.

Ronald Reagan: Ah.

Mikhael Gorbachev: Is very beautiful.

Ronald Reagan: Yes, it is. Must be quite a story behind that. Oh! Oh! [ points ] There’s the Washington Monument! And here on this very field is where the saucer from “The Day The Earth Stood Still” landed. And I figure that the robot Gort stood.. right.. there! [ points ] Right there!

Mikhael Gorbachev: [ recalling fondly ] “Klaatu barada nikto”.

Ronald Reagan: Yep. “Klaatu barada nikto”. I always wondered what those words meant..

Mikhael Gorbachev: It means: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 6

87f: Danny DeVito / Bryan Ferry

Handi-Off

Sheila…..Victoria Jackson
Male Worker #1…..Kevin Nealon
Male Worker #2…..Dennis Miller

[ open in office ]
Sheila: [ hands paper to Male worker #1 ] Here’s the rough design.I’ll have the rest in the morning.

Male Worker #1: Nice girl.

Male Worker #2: Yeah, she really is. Too bad about her hands.

[ Sheila looks at her hand sadly, revealing that she has seven fingers oneach hand ]

Announcer: You’ve tried sanding them off. You’ve tried slamming themoff. And mitts only hide the problem. There’s no way around it – you’ve gotextra fingers. It’s time for Handi-Off. Only Handi-Off contains Leprosin.[ Sheila applies Handi-Off to her extra fingers ] That tingle will tell youit’s working. In just three days, unsightly fingers disappear – for good![ Sheila’s extra fingers fall off ]

[ back at the office ]

Male Worker 2: Hey, Sheila. Pick you up at six?

Sheila: Let’s make it five! [ holds her hand up to reveal she now hasfive fingers on each hand, and winks at the camera ]

Announcer: Subtract your extra digits with Handi-Off. Nowthere’s new Toe-Riffic for toes.

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 7


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


December 12th, 1987

Angie Dickinson

Buster Poindexter

David Gilmour

None

None

Christine Zander
Gorbachev’s Incompetent Translator

Montage

Angie Dickinson’s MonologueBio: Angie Dickinson (1931-). Actress; best remembered as Sergeant Leann “Pepper” Anderson in TV series “Police Woman”, 1974-78.

The Stewardess

DonahueRecurring Characters: Phil Donahue.

Wedgie Fever!Summary: A masochist contestant (Jon Lovitz) purposely answers quiz show questions wrong so that he can get his underwear yanked by a crane.

Buster Poindexter performs “Hot Hot Hot”First Performed: 86a.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Traumatic Memories

David Gilmour performs “Ah, Robertson, It’s You”Bio: David Gilmour (1946-). Musician; lead guitarist and singer-songwriter for Pink Floyd.

Police Women

The Assimilated Jew’s HanukkahRecurring Characters: Henry Kissinger.

Drunk Man

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 4

87d: Robert Mitchum / Simply Red

Robert Mitchum’s Monologue

…..Robert Mitchum

Robert Mitchum: Thank you. “Saturday Night Live”, huh? This is something. I don’t know what yet, but I do know it’s live. Live TV – I guess that’s supposed to scare me. Like if I screw up, I may miss out on that 110th movie. And I’ve done a lot of movies, and I remember them all, too. One of my first appearances in films was with Laurel and Hardy. I think it was a comedy, but that’s what I thought of “Winds of War”, too. So who knows what’s gonna happen tonight. All I know for sure is, in 90 minutes, I go to a party. That sounds good to me. Let’s face it – there’s not much I haven’t seen in this world, and there’s even less that I haven’t done. In fact, after this show, there will be nothing I haven’t done. So stick around. We’ve got a musical group called Simply Red. We’ll be right back.

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 17th, 1987

Steve Martin

Sting

None

Bruce Babbitt

Cheryl Hardwick
The UntouchablesSummary: Because he’s said too much, President Ronald Reagan (Phil Hartman) clubs Robert Bork (Jon Lovitz) in the head.

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, George Bush, Robert Bork.

Transcript

MontageNote: Studio 8-H was evacuated just before dress rehearsal because there was a fire in a nearby studio. Even though they were unable to perform a dress rehearsal, Steve Martin was insistent with going ahead with the live show.

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin doesn’t let a technician strike mar the effect of his tap dance sequence to the song “I Bite Down Hard,” even though it would be more significant if someone were operating the cameras.

First Hosted: 76e.

Transcript

Gary Hart AdSummary: Gary Hart’s effect on women makes him too hard for them to get him out of their mind.

Transcript

Common KnowledgeSummary: High schoolers’ stupidity determines answers to common knowledge trivia questions.

Recurring Characters: Jeanne kirkpatrick.

Transcript

The NFL TodaySummary: Brent Musberger (Kevin Nealon) questions Jimmy the Greek’s (Phil Hartman) sports predictions.

Recurring Characters: Brent Musberger, Jimmy the Greek, George Plimpton.

Slide Whistle Sound EffectsSummary: The sounds of slide whistles reveal a couple’s (Martin, Victoria Jackson) dating expectations.

Transcript

Sting performs “We’ll Be Together”Bio: Sting (1951-). Musician; realname: Gordon Sumner; former lead singer/bass player for The Police, 1978-83; released his first solo album in 1985; film appearances include “Dune” (1984); human rights activist; married actress Trudie Styler (his secodn wife) in 1992.

Hosted: 90k, 96o.

Also Performed: 90k, 92n, 95n, 96o, 99f.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Al Franken interviews Bruce Babbitt about his abuse of supermarket express lanes. Via song, Victoria Jackson says to the world: “I Am Not A Bimbo!”

Transcript

Bullets Aren’t CheapSummary: A penny-pinching James Bond (Steve Martin) faces his nemesis, Goldsting (Sting).

Recurring Characters: James Bond.

Transcript

Permission To Speak FreelySummary: Naval officers (Steve Martin, Jon Lovitz) abuse their Permission to Speak Freely by-law privileges.

Note: Steve Martin accidentally spits on Jon Lovitz while yelling at him.

Transcript

Sting performs “Little Wing”

Adventures In The Lost RealmSummary: An expedition team waits for a dinosaur to finish eating their companion (Jon Lovitz).

Pumping Up with Hans & FranzSummary: Narcissistic bodybuilders, Hans (Dana Carvey) and Franz (Kevin Nealon), insult their fitness viewers.

Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 1

87a: Steve Martin / Sting

Bullets Aren’t Cheap

M…..Jon Lovitz
Miss Moneypenny…..Nora Dunn
James Bond…..Steve Martin
Date…..Jan Hooks
Waiter…..Phil Hartman
Dealer…..Vicotia Jackson
Goldsting…..Sting

[ open on M sitting at his desk ]

M: [ presses buzzer ] Miss Moneypenny, will you come in here, please?

[ Miss moneypenny enters M’s office ]

Miss Moneypenny: Something wrong?

M: Have you seen these bills from 007’s last assignment? 12,000 pounds for hotel suites, six trips on the Concorde, eight cases of Tattinger’s champagne. Who the devil does he think he is?!

Miss Moneypenny: Sir, that was a very dangerous mission. Bond pulled it off beautifully.

M: [ stands ] I know that! Now, perhaps if you can set aside your schoolgirl crush for one moment, perhaps you can tell me why a Balanese backwalking session is being charged to the British government.

Miss Moneypenny: It was in the line of duty. The woman tried to electrocute him.

M: Or so he claims. He’s abusing the expense vouchers to support his sybaritic lifestyle, and I won’t stand for it! Where is 007?

Miss Moneypenny: Didn’t you know? He’s on holiday. In the Bahamas.

M: What?! Out spending more on England’s money again!

Miss Moneypenny: No, sir. I made it quite clear to him that his holiday expenses were strictly his own. He undertands that.

M: Yes, but why this week? He knew I had a mission for him.

Miss Moneypenny: Well, sir, he flew the Super Saver. The ticket was only good for this week.

M: [ taken by surprise ] What?

Miss Moneypenny: Well, his frequent flier discount is about to expire.

M: I don’t believe it!

Miss Moneypenny: Frankly, sir, when it’s his own money, Commander Bond can be a bit.. well, I don’t want to say miserly, but.. it’s the Scottish thing. Very tight with the dollar.

M: 007?

Miss Moneypenny: Oh, yes. It’s a side of him we seldom see.

[ dissolve to opening James Bond movie graphics of somersaulting silhoettes of beautiful women ]

[ circle dances across screen, as James Bond enters shooting his gun in comic fashion. He looks down and spots a coin, which he immediately bends down to pick up and show off to the camera. ]

[ TITLE: “Bullets Aren’t Cheap” ]

[ dissolve to Bond on holiday in the Bahamas, as he enters a casino ]

Date: James, darling, I want you to relax. You’re on holiday now.

James Bond: Alright, darling.

[ Waiter passes by ]

Waiter: Would you care for a drink, Madam?

Date: Oh..! [ Bond clenches his teeth in horror ] N-no.. no, thank you.

Waiter: Sir?

James Bond: Yes, I’ll have a Vodka martini. Shaken, not stirred.

Waiter: Right away, sir.

James Bond: Uh.. how much is that?

Waiter: $4.25.

James Bond: Oooh. Ouch! Uh.. what if I use the house brand?

Waiter: It’s the same price, sir.

James Bond: Oh. Well, uh.. what kind of beer do you have?

Waiter: Heineken, Beck’s, Amstel Light, Corona..

James Bond: Ah! A Corona! I’ll have a Corona! Shaken, not stirred. Exactly 42 degrees Fahreinheit.

Waiter: $2.75.

James Bond: Boy.. I told you we should have come at Happy Hour.

[ Goldsting enters the casino, eyepatch over one eye and stroking a bunny rabbit ]

Goldsting: Gregory.. tonight, Mr. Bond’s drinks will be.. complimentary.

[ music sting ]

James Bond: Goldsting!

Goldsting: So, Mr. Bond, we meet again.

James Bond: So this is your game now, peddling alcohol to the highest bidder.

Goldsting: I’m a businessman, Mr. Bond. Do you play baccarat?

James Bond: Yes. [ Goldsting eyes him down ] Oh, now? Now. Sure.

[ they sit at the table ]

Goldsting: Deal Mr. Bond a hand, would you, Victoria?

Date: James, be careful. Goldsting does not like to lose.

James Bond: Oh, like I do? [ reaches for a single note ] Alright. I’ll bet.. mmm.. one pound.

Dealer: I’m sorry, but the minimum bet at this table is ten pounds.

James Bond: Then you will not accept my wager?

[ Goldsting removes the full bid from the inside of his rabbit ]

James Bond: [ sighs ]

Dealer: [ checks cards ] Player wins. Natural Nines.

James Bond: [ exuberent ] Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! [ laughs ]

[ Waiter finally returns ]

Waiter: Your beer, sir. Shaken.

James Bond: [ sips his beer ] Well, Goldsting.. it appears that you’ve been stung.

Goldsting: You forget, Mr. Bond. The honeybee stings only once, and then he dies.

James Bond: Yes. But the scorpion can sting many times and live to tell the tale.

Goldsting: But you forget, Mr. Bond, the scorpion can be crushed under foot.

James Bond: Ye-es.. [ nods head in agreement ]

Goldsting: [ aggravated ] Oh, get out!

James Bond: [ to Date ] Let’s go, darling.

Goldsting: Uh, Mr. Bond. Your accent, something about it puzzles me. I can’t quite place it.

James Bond: Well, I can’t quite place yours, either, Goldsting.

Goldsting: That’s because mine is English.

James Bond: Oh, really? Well. [ reaches into a bowl of pretzels ] Complimentary pretzels, darling?

[ music sting, as Goldsting pulls Bond’s hand out of the pretzel bowl ]

Goldsting: The pretzels are no longer complimentary, Mr. Bond.

James Bond: [ drops the pretzels on the table ] Ah! It seems I remember a convenience store around the corner where the pretzels are on sale.

[ Goldsting dusts off his rabbit as the scene dissolves to monorails ]

[ dissolve to interior, Bond’s car, as he presents his date with a gift chain ]

Date: Oh, James.. I love pewter.

James Bond: [ chuckles heartily ] Well, I can’t have you running around naked, off where we’re going. Although some people do in.. Orlando.

Date: Darling, I know I’m going to love Epcot!

James Bond: [ chuckles ] Drink your champagne, darling.

Date: [ hands Bond her glass of champagne ] I don’t need this. I need you. Don’t tease me, James. Don’t torture me! [ sits on the bed ] You know what I want! Come to bed, darling! I’m mad about you, mad! Mad, mad, mad, mad! Oh, James, darling!

[ Bond follows onto the bed ]

[ close-up on the champagne bottle, as Bond’s arms extedns to pour the champagne from the glass back into the bottle, then corks it up to keep it fresh ]

[ SUPER: “The End” ]

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