The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service


The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service

Mr. O’Malley…..Chris Farley
Herlihy Boy…..Adam Sandler
…..Emilio Estevez


Announcer: If you’re thinking of going away this summer, why not let the Herlihy Boy take care of your grandmother? Out of an estimated 5 grandmother sitting services in the world, the Herlihy Boy is by far the best.

[ dissolve to disheveled-looking Herlihy Boy staring menacingly intothe camera ]

Herlihy Boy: Hello. Let me drive your grandmother to the store. Please? Let me drive her to the store. She can’t drive a car. She wants to go to the store. Why not let me drive her there?

Mr. O’Malley: Let the boy drive your grandmother to the store!! That’s all!! [ almost cries ]

Herlihy Boy: Hello. How’ve you been? Oh, that’s nice. Let me comb your grandmother’s hair. Please let me comb her hair? Her hair gets so knotty and messy. A good combing could fix that. And I could give her that combing. I’ll make her look real proper like. Please? Let me comb her hair.

Mr. O’Malley: [ pleading loudly ] Let the boy comb your grandma’s hair! Hair is in the dear woman’s eye, she can’t see her grandchildren! Let him comb it back! Dear Lord..!

Herlihy Boy: Hello. How’s thing? Oh, yeah, you did? That’s great! Let me give your grandmother a abth. Please? You know she needs a bath. Why not let me give her one? I swear, I’ll keep my eyes closed. I’ll just scrub her back with a big sponge. I won’t scrub her front. That’s a promise. Unless she asks me to. Please, let me give your grandmother a bath.

Mr. O’Malley: [ outraged ] Sweet jumping MARY AND JOSEPH!! Let the boy give the old lady a BATH!! You knowq she’d give HERSELF a bath if she could!! But she CAN’T!! So let the boy DOP IT!! You think she LIKES smelling that way?!! For GOD’S SAKES, have some COMPASSION!! Good.. Lord..!

Herlihy Boy: Hello. That’s a nice shirt you’re wearing. Let me shave your grandmother’s beard. Please? You can see all those granny hairs coming out of there. You know that’s not right. Come on. She didn’t live 83 years to end up with a beard. Please. Let me shave it off.

Mr. O’Malley: [ more outraged ] For the LOVE of GOD!!Let the boy — [ stops mid-pose, turns to Herlihy Boy ] I just gotta say one thing before I go on.

Herlihy Boy: Yeah?

Mr. O’Malley: If you shave the woman’s beard off, it’s just gonna grow back in two weeks’ time. Doubly as thick. Whereas, if you wax the beard, you got at least three, four months before the next sprouting! Might be something to think about!

Herlihy Boy: Okay. Wax, wax.

Mr. O’Malley: That’s using your head, son. [ returns to his stance ] Let the boy WAX your grandmother’s BEARD!! Is that beard doing anybody any good at all?!! Dear Lord!! All it’s doing is making everybody SICK!! GET RID OF IT!!!

[ Emilio Estevez steps forward ]

Emilio Estevez: Hello. I’m Emilio Estevez. Look, the beard’s gotta go. I haven’t even seen your grandmother, but I’ve got a visual going on in my head, and I swear to God I’m about to yak! So, lose the beard. Seriously.

Mr. O’Malley: This Emilio kid makes a good point. Everybody’s stomach is queasy just thinking about the old woman’s beard! While we’re standing here yapping about it, the beard continues to grow! So, just let the boy wax it! Edn of story! [ rambles incoherently ]

Herlihy Boy: Let me marry your grandmother. Please. I’ll make a good husband. Come on. I’ve already seen her naked in the tub. So why not let me marry her? That’ll make me your grandfather. I’ll pull a quarter out of your ear and give you butterscotch candy. Please? This is your grandpa talking. Let me marry your grandmother.

Mr. O’Malley: Let the boy marry your grandma! Who cares what people think?! Age difference, schmage difference!! Lordy bagordy! Just let love take its course! And give this marriage your blessing!! Is anybody listening?!!

Herlihy Boy: I’m not gonna beg. My grandmother-sitting track record speaks for itself. I’m confident you’ll make the right decision.

[ Mr. O’Malley and Emilio Estevez reaches over to give the Herlihy Boy a hearty hug ]

Announer: The Herlihy Boy Grandmother Sitting Service. He loves your grandmother because he is your grandmother. I don’t know what that means.

SNL Transcripts

Eych!


Eych!

Cat Owner…..Ellen Cleghorne


Cat Owner: Fluffy? [ places cat bowl with food next to Fluffy, who ignores it ] What’s wrong, Fluffy?

Fluffy: [ mouth opens wide ] Eych!

Cat Owner: Fluffy? Are you okay?

Fluffy: [ mouth opens wide a second time ] Eych!

Cat Owner: Poor Fluffy..

Fluffy: [ mouth opens wide again once again ] Eych!

[ the Cat Owner figures out what’s wrong and grabs some Eych! Hairball Remover ]

Announcer: Eych! It’s the only hairball remover that cats ask for.. by name.

[ three hairbell-clogged cats sing the Eych! jingle with the accompaniment of a bouncing ball ]

Cats: Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych! Eych!
Eych!

Announcer: Eych! Hasn’t your cat already asked for it?

Fluffy: [ finally coughs up a hairball ] Eych!

Announcer: Brought to you by Hyko, the makers of.. [ a diapered monkeys screams “IEEEE!” ] ..the diapers for monkeys.

SNL Transcripts

Emilio Estevez’s Monologue


Emilio Estevez’s Monologue

…..Emilio Estevez


Emilio Estevez: Thank you. Thanks a lot. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! It’s been a great week, I’ve got a new movie out – “The Mighty Ducks 2”!

[ audience applauds ]

Thank you very much. You know, a lot of people still remember me from my earlier work. Uh, I hate to use the term, and as much as I’ve tried to forget it – I used to be a member of the Brat Pack.

[ audience cheers wildly ]

Do you remember “The Breakast Club”, “St. Elmo’s Fire”? Teen angst, blah blah blah blah blah! Well, a lot of people always ask me what happened to the Brat Pack, so I figured I’d catch you up.

Now, of course, everyone knows what happened to Rob Lowe in the last few years. That’s right, he was in “Wayne’s World”. But did you know that Ally Sheedy had 17 kids, each with a different husband? She lives in San Diego now.

And Molly Ringwold, or, should I say, Mr. Marvin Ringwold? That’s right, Molly had a sex-change operation. But she — he — still has the loveliest red hair.

And, uh.. let’s see, who else, uh.. Judd Nelson! He disappeared six years ago. We’re not sure what happened to him.

Uh.. Anthony Michael Hall. In jail.

Andrew McCarthy. Also jail.

And Demi Moore. She married some guy – in jail.

Anyway, we’ve got a great show. Pearl Jam’s here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

The Flirt


The Flirt

Man in Bar…..Kevin Nealon
Beautiful Woman…..Heather Locklear
Guy next to Woman…..Chris Farley
Guy next to Man…..Norm MacDonald


[ open on interior, Wilson’s Bar ] [ At the counter, Man in Bar sips his drink, then notices a Beautiful Woman smiling at him from the other side of the counter. She winks at him and makes a funny face; he winks back and makes a funny face of his own. ] [ She holds up he drink and takes a sip; likewise, he holds up his drink and takes a sip, suave as ever. ] [ She presses her finger to her lips, then points it at him; he puckers up, touches his lips, and holds his finger out. ] [Intrigued, she pulls her nose high with her finger and snorts like a pig; engaged in the flirting action, he does the same. ] [ Impressed that he followed up on that one, the Beautiful Woman grabs a pitcher of beer and chugs it down, as most of the beer spills across her chest, then she spits some of the beer out of her mouth; likeing what he sees, the Man in Bar also grabs a pitcher, chugs it down and chokes on the excess. ] [ Still enjoying herself, the Beautiful Woman takes out a sketchpad and produces a drawing of the Man in Bar; he takes out his sketchpad, and also draws a picture of himself. ] [ Testing to see how far he’ll go, she grabs the collar of the Guy next to her and kisses him on the lips, then looks across the bar for the reaction; challenged, the Man in Bar looks around, then grabs the Guy next to him and kisses him on the lips. ]Guy next to Man: [ breaking free ] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

[ The Beautiful Woman unhooks her bra, then pulls pulls it out of her dress and dangles it for the Man in Bar to see; unable to copy that, he grabs the Guy next to him again and gives him another kiss on the lips. ] [ Thinking of a way to top herself, the Beatiful Woman takes out a bottle labeled “POISON” and takes a sip; determined not to lose pace, the Man in Bar takes out a bottle labeled “POISON” as well, and takes a sip. ] [ The Beautiful Woman peels the label off of her bottle, to reveal a second label – “WATER”; worried, the Man in Bar cautiously peels the label off of his bottle, to reveal the label “REALLY BAD POISON”. When he sees it, he doubles over the bar and dies. ] [ The Beautiful Woman walks over to the Man’s body, pulls out his wallet, then walks away. ]

SNL Transcripts

Poker Billy


Poker Billy

Spaniard…..Rob Schneider
Black Guy…..Tim Meadows
Dapper Gentleman…..Mike Myers
Dealer…..Phil Hartman
Poker Billy…..Emilio Estevez
Guitarist…..Michael McKean
Bartender…..Chris Farley
Drunk…..Adam Sandler


[ open on exterior scene from the Old West ] [ dissolve to interior, saloon, cowboys sitting at a table playing poker ]

Spaniard: I fold!

Black Guy: I’m out.

Dapper Gentleman: Too rich for my blood!

Dealer: Okay, Billy, it’s down to you and me. Whattaya got?

Poker Billy: Take a look at these. [ lays his cards on the table ]

Spaniard: Carumba! Full house! Aces over jacks!

Dealer: [ lays his cards on the table ] Pair of sevens.

Poker Billy: [ outraged ] Pair of sevens?! Nobody’s that lucky! [ stands and overturns the table ] You cheatin’ bastard! [ pulls out his guns and points them at ?? ]

Dealer: Uh.. no one’s cheatin’, Billy. Full house beats a pair of sevens. You won the hand!

Poker Billy: Really?

Dealer: Yes.

Poker Billy: That would make me the winner?

Everyone: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Poker Billy: [ lowers his guns ] Oh, good.

[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]“Poker Billy was a gambler
Poker was his game.
He never figured out the rules
But he loved it just the same.
Now, sometimes Bill got lucky
As morons often do.
But luck don’t make a difference
When you havn’t got a clue.”

[ pan back to the card game, table now back on its legs ]

Dealer: [ dealing cards ] Okay, how many?

Black GuyI’ll take two.

Dapper Gentleman: Uh.. one for me, please.

Spaniard: Three, por favor.

Dealer: [ to Poker Billy ] How many cards you want?

Poker Billy: Uh.. I’ll take, uh.. eight!

[ Spaniard throws his cards in the air ]

Poker Billy: Nine.. no, eight!

Dealer: Well, I-I can’t do that, Billy. not in Five Card Draw. I could give you three, how’s that?

Poker Billy: You holdin’ out on me? I said eight!

Dapper Gentleman: Uh, listen, Billy.. in Five Card Draw, you-you can’t have eight cards. It’s sort of a Five Card Draw tradition, you see.

Poker Billy: Oh.. I get it. You two are in this together. You cheatin’ bastards! [ stands and overturns the table ]

Dapper Gentleman: What an ignoramus!

[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]“Now, ignoramus is a word
That’s often overused.
But in the case of Poker Billy
I think you’d be excused.”

Bartender: “Special classes –“

Guitarist: “– Didn’t help him!”

Bartender: “Special teachers –“

Guitarist: “– Wouldn’t stay.”

Bartender: “Special doctors –“

Guitarist:
“– Shook their heads
and Billy’s parents ran away.”

[ pan back to the card game, table back on its legs again ]

Dealer: [ paying Billy off ] Fifty, sixty, seventy. All there. Okay. This time, let’s try to play a very simple game. It’s called One.. Card.. Stud. Now, here’s how it works – I’m gonna deal one card to each player, face up. Whoever’s card is the high-est nu-mer-i-cal-ly.. wins the chip. [ holds a chip up ] One of these things. Okay, everyone? [ everyone murmurs their agreement ] Billy?

Poker Billy: Uh, uh.. I’ll pick it up as we go along.

Dealer: Great. [ shuffles the cards ]

Poker Billy: What the hell are you doin’? You’re mixin’ up all the cards!

Dealer: Yes, it’s called shuffling. I do it before every game.

Poker Billy: Yeah? Well, this time, you got caught!

Spaniard: Here we go!

Poker Billy: You cheatin’ bastard! [ stands and overturns the table ] [ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Bartender: [ singing ]“I’d like to emphasize a point
we’re making it this song.
Even though it’s very clear
We’ve gone on way too long.
Say he’s stupid.”

Guitarist: “Now, you got it!”

Bartender: “Not a genius.”

Guitarist: “Not at all!”

Bartender: “Lobotomy.”

Guitarist: “I wouldn’t doubt it!”

Drunk: “I think his brain is very small – yahoo!”

[ pan back to Poker Billy, talking with Jenny ]

Poker Billy: Jenny?

Jenny: Mmm-hmm?

Poker Billy: Who do you like better, me or Texas Jim?

Jenny: Why, Billy, you’re my ace of spades, and Texas Jim’s just a thre of clubs! [ giggles ]

Poker Billy: What exactly are you sayin’?

Jenny: Well, Billy, you’re my royal flush, and he’s just a pair of deuces. [ giggles ]

Poker Billy: I still don’t get it, Jenny, help me out here.

Jenny: Bily, listen carefully: I love you with all my heart! You could say I’m your Queen of Hearts! Get it!

Poker Billy: You cheatin’ bastard! [ reaches over to overturn the table ] [ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Guitarist: “He’s very stupid.”

Bartender: “Very stupid!”

Guitarist: “Not too bright!”

Bartender: “Very stupid!”

Guitarist: “Stupid, stupid!”

Together:
“Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!
He’s the stupidest guy who ever played the gaaaaame!!”

[ Poker Billy ambles over ]

Poker Billy: Come back soon, Poker Billy!

Guitarist: That’s you, Billy.

Poker Billy: Oh, yeah.. right.

[ pan out and fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights


93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson

Goodnights

…..Heather Locklear


Heather Locklear: Thanks to Janet Jackson.. Jay Leno.. everybody here. It’s been a great show, a great week. Good night!

[ camera focuses momentarily on Phil Hartman on the right corner of the stage, as cast members take their turn hugging him goodbye ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Kelsey Grammer: 04/09/93


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

April 9th, 1994

Kelsey Grammer

Dwight Yoakam

Jan Hooks

Sy Sperling

Manute Bol

Dwight Yoakam, “Pocket of a Clown”

  • Hillary’s Investment Tips

    Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton.

  • Kelsey Grammer’s Monologue

  • Majestic Caribbean Cruise Line

  • Inhibited Dance Party USA

  • Giulianis Watch The Yankees

    Recurring Characters: Rudolph Giuliano, Andrew Giiliano.

  • Dwight Yoakam performs “Pocket of a Clown”

  • Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

  • 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea

  • Sunday Morning with Charles Kuralt

  • Something Smells Good in Stinkville, Part One

  • Dwight Yoakam performs “Fast as You”

  • Captain Jim & Pedro

    Recurring Characters: Captain Jim, Pedro.

  • Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

    Hitting the brakes after driving over a cliff.

  • Something Smells Good in Stinkville, Part Two

  • “I Am A Man”

  • Something Smells Good in Stinkville, Part Three

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Kelsey Grammer: 04/09/93: Hillary’s Investment Tips



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 19: Episode 17


    93q: Kelsey Grammer / Dwight Yoakam

    Hillary’s Investment Tips

    Businessman #1…..Michael McKean
    Businesswoman…..Julia Sweeney
    Businessman #2…..Kevin Nealon
    Hillary Rodham Clinton…..Jan Hooks

    [ open on three businesspeople sitting at a table in restaurant ]

    Businessman #1: My broker has me in mutual funds, but with the way the market’s been lately, I’m losing my shirt.

    Businessman #2: Tell me about it. I’m taking a beating in the bond market.

    Businesswoman: Well, my investment counselor is Hillary Rodham Clinton… and HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON says: [ the entire room leans closer, as she stares at them in shock ] [ dissolve to Hillary Rodham Clinton seated at desk ]

    Hillary Rodham Clinton: Hello! I’m the First Lady of the United States — Hillary Rodham Clinton. You know, in this volatile, topsy-turvy market, investing even as little as a thousand dollars CAN be a frightening propspect. That’s why you want an investment counselor with a proven record of results SO spectacular… that it’s hard to believe they’re legitimate! What would you say if I told you that you could get a 10,000% return on your money in less than a year? [ she smiles ] Impossible? Well, I did just that in 1982.

    [ she stands ]

    Now, to give you some idea of what a 10,000% return means, to get that return on a Certificate of Deposit at today’s rates, you would have to hold onto it for… three… hundred… years. That’s a looong time!

    [ she steps in front of her desk and sits ]

    Now, here’s how it works: Simply subscribe to the Hillary Rodham Clinton Investment Newsletter. [ she holds up a copy of the newsletter ] Every issue is jam-packed with my Hillary Rodham Clinton investment tips, like:

    Don’t Invest in Land.

    Don’t Invest in Land in Arkansas.

    And, perhaps the most important tip of all: Don’t Invest in Land in Arkansas with the McDougals.

    And, if you call now, you’ll get this free booklet: [ she holds it up ] “Cattle: How to Turn a Thousand Dollars Into a Hundred Thousand Dollars.” [ she winks ] It really works!

    Plus, as a special added gift, this history of “Saturday Night Live”, entitled “Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night.” [ she holds up the book ] Oh! I almost forgot: “LIVE, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

    SNL Transcripts

    Sunday Morning with Charles Kuralt

    Sunday Morning with Charles Kuralt

    Charles Kuralt … Norm MacDonald


    [Image of a sunrise. SUPER: SUNDAY MORNING WITHCHARLES KURALT – We hear the “Sunday Morning” seriestheme, a baroque trumpet fanfare by Johann Gottfriedentitled “Abblasen.”]

    Announcer V/O: And now we return to SundayMorning with Charles Kuralt.

    [Dissolve to old, balding, chubby newsman CharlesKuralt, fondly remembered for his “On the Road”segments on the CBS Evening News, who sits on the setof his long-running CBS TV series “Sunday Morning” andaddresses the camera in his cadenced, folksystyle.]

    Charles Kuralt: Well, it seems that’s all thetime we have this Sunday morning. It has come time forus to part, you and I, for I am retiring from CBSNews. I have been “On the Road” now for thirty-sevenyears, and I will miss it. I will miss it … much. Iwill miss the thunder of the big diesels as they roarby me. I will miss the inviting windows ofwell-stocked general stores reflected in the rear-viewmirror. I will miss the sight of young cottonwoods andand old rattlesnake nests, of winds that blow, andrivers that flow. But, mostly, I will miss the sex.

    For that is what brought me to the road in the firstplace, so many years ago: the promise of sex with astring of anonymous partners across this great land.And, oh, how that promise has been fulfilled.

    There was Thelma Ober, a frail old woman ofseventy-five, whose pumpkin pies have been well-knownto the residents of Cornwall, North Dakota for years.Every afternoon, Thelma leaves her house and strollsgallantly toward town. And wherever Thelma goes, thebirds of Cornwall follow. Miss Thelma Ober is known as”The Bird Lady.” And I had sex with her.

    I remember Sarah Little, who lived at the end of along dirt road in the piney woods of Arkansas and isthe best friend a dog ever had. She owns over fourhundred and fifty of them. Oh, and just one morething: Sara Little is the town dog catcher. And, oh,one more thing: I had sex with her.

    And I will not soon forget Old Ned Harrigan fromMuncklin, Maine, the proud possessor of a ball oftwine, sixty-seven feet around. If he ever unrolledit, it would stretch from Muncklin, Maine to the Gulfof Mexico. But, of course, Ned didn’t want to unrollit, he wanted me to have sex with his wife. And so Idid. And, wouldn’t you know it, Old Ned watched. And Ithink he learned something — as did we all that balmyAugust Muncklin night.

    Yes, there were hundreds and thousands more. None ofthem were very attractive, I suppose. Even bybackwoods standards. But I couldn’t care less. What’sdone is done.

    Anyway, those days are passed now. I will retiretomorrow and busy myself with more solitarydiversions. Perhaps you’ll find me knee-deep in abending piece of water known as the Madison River,trying to fool a trout with a bit of floating feather.Or maybe I’ll be practicing something called”autoerotic asphyxiation,” a curious diversion EricSevareid introduced me to … and I’ve grown quitefond of.

    And so, tiddly-widdly toodle-loo. All I want is tostay with you, but here I go. Good-bye.

    [Applause. Kuralt takes the microphone off his necktieas we hear the trumpet fanfare again, pull back, anddissolve to an artist’s rendering of the sun. SUPER:SUNDAY MORNING WITH CHARLES KURALT]

    Submitted Anonymously

    SNL Transcripts