Homeowner: Mowing. Raking. Pruning. It takes a lot of work to keep a place like this looking good. But the hard part is getting rid of all this mess – unless you have.. the Amazin’ Laser, the amazing new gardening tool that vaporizes any and all matter in its path, giving your home a professionally landscaped look.
Use the Amazin’ Laser on grass clippings. [ demonstrates ]
[ SUPER: “Warning: Do Not Fire Amazin’ Laser At Police Officers.” ]
Get rid of brushpiles and branches. [ demonstrates ]
[ SUPER: “Warning: Do Not Fire Amazin’ Laser At Military Personnel.” ]
And what about this 1,800 lb. granite boulder? [ zaps it with the Amazin’ Laser ] Gone in a minute, with Amazin’ Laser.
[ SUPER: “Warning: Do Not Use Amazin’ Laser When Drowsy Or On Medication.” ]
How accurate is Amazin’ Laser? Accurate enough to hit a man in a moving automobile, from up to 3,000 feet away! Is that accurate enough for you?
[ SUPER: “Warning: Do Not Fire Amazin’ Laser At The President.” ]
And Amazin’ Laser won’t rust or corrode like metal gardening tools, ’cause it’s made out of 100% durable Lexon plastic. Just watch it go through this metal detector! [ walks through, no problem ]
[ SUPER: “Warning: Terrorists, Please Do Not Buy Amazin’ Laser.” ]
Make your yard look its best, with the Amazin’ Laser! [ zaps a truckful of wood out of his yard ]
[ SUPER: “Warning: Amazin’ Laser Can Be Used For Good Or Evil, Please Use Only For Good.” ]
The Amazin’ Laser. It’s amazing!
[ SUPER: “On Second Thought, Please Do Not Buy Amazin’ Laser.” ]
Announcer: Amazin’ Laser. Available at Walgreens and Rickel Home Centers. Ask for it by name.
[ open on graphic: “Tales of Little Women” over quaint New England Winter’s scene ]
Mary V/O: My memories of those years drift in like the breeze carrying the warm smell of the cottonwoods growing down by Thatcher’s Pomd. It was that same Thatcher’s Pond that will forever tug a memory out of the ltitle hope chest in my heart. And that memory will hold my hand as we walk back to that one Winter’s day.
[ dissolve to the four children sitting on the ice pond in the snow. They are all laughing happily. ]
Schoolboy: Oh, Mary.. the chilled winter has made your cheeks as flush as a rose petal. I daresay the most beautiful girl in Cobbleton is.. becoming even more so.
Mary: Why, it’s your kind words that have put a blush in my cheek. Ice skating is ever so much fun! Although, I do feel guilty celebrating while father’s away fighting that horrid war betwixt the states.
Toby Adams: [ laughing ] Mother says it will end soon, and when they march back the town will be.. singing like never before!
Patrick Higgins: Since you mentioned singing, I must tell you that, after we ice skate, some of the others are going wassalling. It sounds like ever so much fun!
Schoolboy: Patrick Higgins, anything sounds like fun to you, that is anything but your schoolwork!
[ the four of them laugh heartily ]
Toby Adams: Mother promised candied plums and cider to all those who feel the nip of Jack Frost this day. Everyone, that is, but Patrick Higgins, for he has schoolwork to do!
Patrick Higgins: [ doth protesting ] That’s simply not true!
[ the four of them laugh heartily ]
[ stands ] Watch, everyone, while I do what the Parisians call a Figure Eight! [ walks across the ice ]
Mary: Toby Adams, you mustn’t! You’ll fall down on your back side, and we’ll miss out on your mother’s scrumptious candied plums!
[ from offscreen, we hear the sound of the ice cracking and Toby crashing through into the icy cold water of the pond ]
[ wide shot reveals Toby splashing desperately in the water, unable to free himself ]
Toby Adams: [ screaming ] Gooooodd!!! Oh, my Gooooooddddd! Sonofabitch! Ohhhhhh!! Sonoabitch!! I can’t feel my legs! Oh, Mother of God, help me! Don’t just STAND there! DO something, you bastards!!
Mary: [ distraught ] Ohh.. oh, my!
Patrick Higgins: Goodness, Mary. I apologize for his foul tone.
Toby Adams: [ screaming ] Pull me out of this icy hell! You little pillow biter!!
Mary: Oh, my goodness! Whatever shall we do?
Toby Adams: [ mimicking ] “Whatever shall we do?!” SAVE me, you stupid WHORE!!
Mary: [ aghast ] But.. but what can we do?! My gracious, I feel faint..!
Schoolboy: That’s alright. Quickly! We must lie on the ice, so we can distribute our weight, and then ease him out of the water.
[ they all lie down on the ice and crouch towards Toby ]
Mary: We’re coming..
Toby Adams: Do what he says, you stupid bags of spit! My life’s in your moron hands! Move it!
Schoolboy: Yes, we’re here! We’re here! [ grabs Toby’s hand ] I’ve got you, old friend!
[ the ice gives way under them, sending the other three friends into the freezing water behind Toby ]
Schoolboy: Oh, holy son of a bitch!
Patrick Higgins: Oh, my God!
Schoolboy: I’m gonna freze!
Patrick Higgins: My testicles are up to my neck!!
Toby Adams: Now, I’m gonna DIE! Surrounded by you stupid piles of dog crap!
[ the Devil materializes on the surface of the pond next to the children ]
Devil: Hello, children!
Schoolboy: [ surprised ] Where did you come from?!
Toby Adams: Who GIVES a rat’s ass?! Just throw us your tail!
Devil: Absolutely! But, alas, there will be a price. Your souls, of course. But there is one more thing!
Schoolboy: Whatever! Just pull us out, asswipe!
Devil: [ laughs ] Ah, then, it is agreed. I want, first, your souls, for all eternity! And, secondly, I want you all to myself, in that nearby toolshed, for five minutes. Anything goes!
Schoolboy: Okay, let’s go, move it!
Devil: Alright, let’s get it on!
[ the Devil laughs maliciously, as the schoolkids tug at his tail ]
[ dissolve back to the hgraphic of the quaint New England Winter’s scene ]
Mary V/O: None of us forgot that Winter’s day. The lessons learned are the same lessons scorched into the pages of the human history. The bonus lesson learned that particular day was to never agree to five minutes in any shack with the Devil. Good Lord..
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen.. David Hyde Pierce!
[ David Hyde Pierce enters Home Base dressed somewhat uncomfortably as the very model of a modern major general ]
David Hyde Pierce: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. [ turns to the band ] Maestro!
[ begins to dance in frumpy moves from the Gilbert & Sullivan opera ]
David Hyde Pierce: [ singing ] “Oh, David Hyde Pierce is my name, it’s great to be here in New York I’m on Kelsey Grammer’s show, I play his brother, who’s a dork. I’m hosting Saturday Night Live, I’m nervous, I’ve got shaky knees I love the show, although I haven’t watched it since the seventies.”
[ four soldiers from the general’s army come out to repeat the last two lines in song ]
Soldiers: [ singing ] “He’s hosting Saturday Night Live, he’s nervous, he’s got shaky knees He loves the show, although he hasn’t watched it since the seventies.”
[ soldiers exit ]
David Hyde Pierce: [ singing ] “I love Kelsey like a brother, even though he is my boss I was just deslighted when he won the Emmy and I lost. Oh, Kelsey is our show’s big star, I’m number two, that’s only fair ‘Cause he deserves it, even though I’m young and thin and have more hair.”
[ four soldiers from the general’s army return to repeat the last two lines in song ]
Soldiers: [ singing ] “Kelsey is the show’s big star, he’s number two, that’s only fair ‘Cause he deserves it, even though he’s young and thin and has more hair.”
[ soldiers exit ]
David Hyde Pierce: [ singing ] “They made me come and stand out here in a costume that doesn’t fit This brilliant song was their idea, now I look like an idiot. This really is embarrassing, I’m mortified, I want to flee And everytime I sing a line, they sing it back annoyingly.”
[ four soldiers from the general’s army return to repeat the last two lines in song ]
Soldiers: [ singing ] This really is embarrassing, he’s mortified, he wants to flee And everytime he sings a line, we sing it back annoyingly.”
[ soldiers exit ]
David Hyde Pierce: [ singing slowly ] “Hey, Kelsey, what I said before.. I wish that I could take it back We’ve got a great show, Live is here –“
[ audience cheers ]
“– so, stick around, we’ll be right back.”
[ four soldiers from the general’s army return to repeat the last two lines in song ]
Soldiers: [ singing ] “Kelsey, what he said before, he wishes he could take it back We’ve got a great show, Live is here so, stick around, we’ll be right back. We’ve got a great show, Live is here so, stick around, we’ll be right baaaaaaaaaack.”
Mr. Templon: [clears throat] All right class. Settle down. Settle down. [class becomes quiet] Now, I went over your poetry assignments last night, and I must tell you I was deeply impressed by the depth of expression and raw emotion. There was one poem in particular came to mind, and I would like for the author to come up here and read it to the class. Alan?
Alan: Me? No way. I thought this was supposed to be private and stuff.
Mr. Templon: Well, that was the idea. But something about the sheer intensity of your poem made me think that the class would benefit from a recitation.
Alan: Come on, Mr. Templon, please? I’m too embarassed.
Mr. Templon: Oh, oh, Alan, there is nothing in your poem to be embarassed about. [walks to Alan and hands him the poem]
Alan: [takes poem, stands, and walks to front of classroom, but faces Mr. Templon] “What I Believe,” by Alan Toshman.
Mr. Templon: Alan, I know the poem; I graded it. Why don’t you turn around and share it with the class? [positions Alan to face the other students]
Alan: “She was a fast machine. / She kept her motor clean. / She was the best damn woman that I ever seen.”
Randy: Dude, you are so busted!
Mr. Templon: Hey! Hey! This obviously means a lot to Alan. You go on.
Alan: “She had the slightest eyes, / Telling me no lies, / Knocking me out with those American thighs…” Oh, forget it. That’s all! I’m done. [crumples poem, drops it on desk, and sits]
Mr. Templon: Oh, oh, now.
Student: [lights a lighter] Dude, that was awesome! [Alan shoves him]
Kristin: Hey, hey, how about reciting your poem, “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap?”
Mr. Templon: Quiet down. I think Alan expressed rather well the urgency of youth.
Mr. Templon: Hey! Hey! Let’s stop all the insults. You know, Alan, Kristin wrote a very sensitive, honest piece.
Alan: Oh, really? Well, I’d love to hear it! How about you guys?
Mr. Templon: That’s a good idea. We’re here to learn. Kristin, come up here.
Kristin: [to Alan] You’re dead. [takes poem from Mr. Templon] “All I Know,” by Kristin Reinhart. “In the air, in the air, / Honey one more time. / Now it ain’t fair. / Love in an elevator. / Livin’ it up when I’m goin’ down. / Love in an elevator.” [puts poem on desk and sits]
Mr. Templon: Kristin, Alan, come up here. Come up. [they do] Class, I want you to take a look at these two, all of you. Now, these two students opened their minds, their hearts, and their souls to us. And in all my years of teaching, I’ve never given an A+. Last night, I gave two. [Alan and Kristin high-five and sit] Now let’s move on. Why don’t we open our texts to page 120…
Randy: Ah, ah, Mr. Templon?
Mr. Templon: Yes, Randy?
Randy: You know the poem I turned in?
Mr. Templon: Um… [thumbs through papers on desk] “Spider Man, Spider Man, does whatever a spider can?”
Randy: Yeah, that’s it.
Mr. Templon: Yeah, I thought it was imaginative and it showed a good sense of rhyme and meter. I was just looking for something a little bit more about you.
Randy: Oh, well I guess I really didn’t understand the assignment. But I have another poem that I didn’t turn in, and maybe I could do it now?
Mr. Templon: All right, let’s hear it.
Randy: [stands and goes to the front of the class] “My Real Poem,” by Randy Balducci. “Ah, can’t you see me standing here? / I got my back against the record machine. / I ain’t the worst that you’ve seen. / Ah, can’t you see what I mean? / I might as well jump–Jump! / Go ahead and jump–Jump!” [bell rings] “Might as well jump.”
[students stand and begin to exit classroom]
Mr. Templon: Okay, tomorrow 140 to 145 in your text. Randy, would you stay for a moment?
Randy: Yeah.
Mr. Templon: [speaks to exiting students] Thanks. Thank you. Good job. [turns to Randy] Randy, I’d like to make an appointment for you to see the school psyciatrist.
Randy: What?
Mr. Templon: Well, I think everyone who heard your poem recognized it as a cry for help. I want you to know that I heard your cry, and I can “see what you mean.”
Randy: Okay, I guess…all right, thanks, Mr. Templon.
Mr. Templon: And, Randy. If you jump, I will catch you.
Randy: Actually, that wasn’t me. That was another guy. But I’ll let him know.
[Randy exits and another teacher enters]
Teacher: Hey, how’d it go today?
Mr. Templon: Oh, you know, the usual. AC/DC, Aerosmith. Oh, oh, one guy actually snuck in some old Van Halen.
Teacher: Oh, geez. Wow, that takes me back. Huh. Well, want to go fire up a doobie?
Mr. Templon: Okay. [drops poems in the garbage as they exit]
Andy Gray…..Mike Myers Ian Daglers…..Mark McKinney Ted Engler…..David Hyde Pierce
[ open on ESPN2 graphic ]
Announcer: You’re watching ESPN2 – The Deuce! Coming up later on The Deuce: Women’s Seniors Indoor Beach Volleyball, qualifying tournament, from Lincoln, Nebraska. But, right now on The Deuce, we have Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly.
[ dissolve to random scenes of soccer hooliganism ]
Andy Gray V/O: Brought to you by.. Doc Marten boots; they’re great for kicking in heads, and I’m not kidding! Also brought to you by.. Truflite Darts; remember: those are for dart boards, not for throwing at rival fans! Also, brought to you by.. Milk; it does a body good.
[ dissolve to Andy and Ian sittng behind table of their set ]
Andy Gray: Hello! And welcome to “Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly”! I’m your host, Andy Gray!
Ian Daglers: [ speaks haggardly throughout ] And I’m your other host, Ian Daglers! Hey!
Andy Gray: Ah, alright then, tonight’s topics are: “Scotland’s soccer team – great on paper, crap on grass!”
Ian Daglers: Also, on tonight’s show – new techniques in dart throwing! Hey! Head’s up on ye! [ throws dart offscreen, hooligans scream ]
Andy Gray: Alright! [ they clink steins ] And, finally, firebombs: pro and con.
Together: Prooooo!!
Andy Gray: Alright, let’s get down to business, because I’m steamin’ piss drunk, and I’m gonna be sick!
Ian Daglers: Hey!
Andy Gray: Ohhh, I’m hummin’! [ lowers heads, spits a chunk onto the table ] And, besides, I’ve got a court appearance in, ohhhhh… [ looks at his watch ] 43 minutes.
Ian Daglers: Hey! What’d you do this time?
Andy Gray: It was during the Scotland-Denmark game. Evidently, I threw a live jaguar onto the field, ’cause of a disupted penalty kick.
Ian Daglers: Hey! What’d you do that for?
Andy Gray: Why not?
Ian Daglers: What do you mean, why not?
Andy Gray: What do you mean, what do you mean, why not?!
Ian Daglers: I asked ya’ a question, you wee girl!
Andy Gray: [ a change of heart in his attitude ] Alright.. give us a kiss here.. [ reaches his arms to Ian lovingly, then smashes his skull into Ian’s nose ]
Ian Daglers: Ow!! [ grabs hand to nose and lowers head, raises it back up to reveal a serious blood flow ] Bloody hell! Oh, you broke my nose again, you bastard!
Andy Gray: Alright, let’s get this show on the road, ’cause I’ve quite a face on and I’m gonna start chundering like a snowblower!
Ian Daglers: Okie-dokie! Alright now, as you know, hotels on the continent don’t rent rooms to soccer hooligans like ourselves. Hey!
Andy Gray: Okay. So let’s start with a topic: where’s the worst place you’ve ever had to spend the night?
Ian Daglers: [ thinking ] Oh, uh…. that would be the, uh.. rancid manure and rotten vegetable compost heap in Baden-Baden, Scotland vs. Germany, 1991. And you, hey!
Andy Gray: Scotland vs. The Netherlands, 1987, the Hague. I feel asleep inside a policeman’s horse!
Ian Daglers: [ bewildered ] How’d you do that, then?!
Andy Gray: Oh, it was three o’clock in the morning, as cold as a witch’s teat! No room in the inn for this Scottish soccer hooligan! Necessity being the mother of invention, I managed to hack my way inside the horse using some crude farming implements! You know, I say it was the worst night I ever had, but, actually, I slept like the Baby Jesus inside my equine cocoon.
Ian Daglers: I might try that, I might try that!
Andy Gray: You might, eh, you might? You know, I remember one particularly unpleasant innkeeper in Antwerp, Belgium. I inquired about a room, to which I received the reply, “Oh, we have plenty of rooms, Sonny Jim, but not for you, you scummy soccoer hooligan!”
Ian Daglers: Well, that’s not very nice.
Andy Gray: Oh, aye. I was — at first, I was quite taken about.
Ian Daglers: Oh, I can imagine..
Andy Gray: But then, I stuck a Coke bottle up his stinkin’ Flemish bum!
Ian Daglers: Hey! Good idea!
Andy Gray: You could see why I was thrown into some sort of Fatty Arbucklian dementia. Now, in the end I was forced to take a toffee hammer to his rectal vault and smash the Coke bottle into a thousand wee shards.
Ian Daglers: Hey! Why does it always have to end that way? Hey!
Andy Gray: I don’t know, I just don’t know! I’m steamin’!
Ian Daglers: Oh, that reminds me. Once, I chewed a Belgium’s ear off!
Andy Gray: How was it?
Ian Daglers: Oh, you’d be surprised.
Andy Gray: Oh, really?
Ian Daglers: Yes! Now, let’s bring out our guest, then. He’s from America. Now, interestingly enough, he’s not a soccer hooligan!
Andy Gray: Ohhhh, what’s he doing on the show, then?!
Ian Daglers: Because he’s a tennis hooligan! Now, please welcome, from the Chicago, U.S.A., Ted Engler!
[ Ted Engler enters studio to welcomed enthusiasm from Andy and Ian ]
Andy Gray: Alright! There we are! Ted Engler! Welcome to “Scottish Soccer Hooligan”!
Ted Engler: Hello, Ian; hello, Andy. It’s great to be here!
Ian Daglers: Hey! Are you drinking? Do you need a plastic can?
Ted Engler: No, thanks, I don’t drink.
Andy Gray: What do you mean, you don’t drink? You’re a hooligan, aren’t you?
Ted Engler: That’s right! I’m a tennis hooligan!
Ian Daglers: What exactly do you do, then?
Ted Engler: Well, what I like to do is, go to a match and pick out the player that I hate, and right before he serves I like to do something distracting, like shift in my seat or yawn!
Andy Gray: Hey?
Ian Daglers: Hey?
Ted Engler: Hey.. hey, one time I coughed. Really loudly. That was great.
Ian Daglers: Hey! Do you ever throw darts at the opposing player’s fans?
Ted Engler: Oh, good Lord, no, that would be dangerous.
Andy Gray: [ lowers stein ] You know, I rather like what that retarded chap in Germany did to Monica Seles. Now, that was first-rate hooliganing!
Ian Daglers: That was bloody magic!
Andy Gray: Magic!!
Ian Daglers: Magic! Teddy, hey – you ever stabbed anyone?
Ted Engler: Uh.. no. Nope.
Andy Gray: Uh, you ever thrown anyone under a bus?
Ted Engler: Mmmm.. never.
Ian Daglers: Let me ask you, Teddy – how fast can you run?
Ted Engler: Oh, very fast.
Ian Daglers: [ stands over Ted ] Oh, well, you better get started, ’cause I’m about to kick your ass!
Ted Engler: [ offended ] Oh! That’s not very nice!
Ian Daglers: [ mocking ] Oh, that’s not very nice, is it?
Andy Gray: [ puts hands on Ted’ shoulders ] Oh, you’re alright. Come here, give us a kiss. [ butts his head against TEd’s head, bloodying him up ] Boom! There you go!
[ Ian smashes Ted’s head against the table, as Andy looks at his watch ]
Andy Gray: Oh, Christ! Look at the time! [ knees Ted in the groin and punches him in the face; Ted falls under the table ] Alright, well that’s all the time we have for the show! I’m Andy Gray!
[ Ted’s bloodied hand rises above the table, so Ian smashes it with his elbow ]
Ian Daglers: And I’m Ian Daglers!
Andy Gray: Piss off!
Ian Daglers: Piss off!
[ Andy and Ian continue to kick at Ted under the table, as the theme music pots up and the title graphic appears on the screen ]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you. Thanks,I’m Norm MacDonald and this is the fake news.
Singer Billy Joel survived a massive earthquake whichrocked Japan this week. The quake, which hit the portcity of Kobe, killed nearly five thousand people anddemolished hundreds of buildings. To repeat: do notpanic! Billy Joel has survived the earthquake!…
[Photo of Bill and Hillary Clinton – Bill’s arms areoutstretched before him] Here we see PresidentClinton, looking for something — anything — to hugbesides his wife. … [cheers and applause]
In an effort to feel smarter than somebody, Dan Quaylethis week spoke to four thousand Amway employees. …[cheers and applause]
Jimmy Carter has written a collection of poetry. Itincludes his latest poem, entitled “Ode to a CountryFull of Stupid, Ungrateful Bastards.” …
Here’s an amazing story: twins born ninety-five daysapart. Even more amazing, they were born to differentmothers and they don’t even look alike. … Hard tobelieve.
Well, the NHL strike officially ended Thursday. Aftersome adjustments to the schedule, the regular seasonstarted last night, and the playoffs will starttomorrow. …
And now, with a commentary on the resolution of thathockey strike, is Tim Meadows. Tim?
Tim Meadows: [cheers and applause as we panover to Tim in a suit and tie] Thank you. Well, thehockey strike is over and no one is more relieved thanme, Tim Meadows. For a while there, I didn’t think Iwas gonna make it and I’m sure I speak for allAfrican-Americans when I say, “Game on at last! Gameon at last! … Thank God Almighty, game on at last!”… You see, white America had taken everything itcould from black people. Our culture, our heritage,our freedom and, finally, with the NHL strike, our icehockey. …
I tell ya, it was weird to walk through theAfrican-American community at night and not hear thesound of “Hockey Night in Canada” coming from everyhome. … Or kids saying, “Yo! Yo! He shoots! Hescores!” … And I couldn’t call my brother and say,”Yo, Tyrone, did you see the Whalers last night?” …And, echoing the sentiments of the entireAfrican-American community, he would say, “Yo, littlebrother, the Whalers were fly. The Whalers were fly.”… So, play on, Pavel Bure. And, skate faster, JeffBeukeboom. And, cover that net, John Vanbiesbrouck.The African-American community and Tim Meadows arewatching. Back to you, Norm. [cheers andapplause]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Tim Meadows! Thanks,Tim.
A blind man felt Princess Diana’s face last week andsaid, “She is the prettiest woman I’ve ever seen.” Hethen picked up a toilet plunger and said, “Thank youfor this royal scepter, I shall treasure it always.”…
According to the National Transportation Safety Board,sleepy truckers are responsible for one thousanddeaths a year. In second place? O. J. Simpson at twodeaths a year. …
Well, O. J. Simpson’s lawyers stopped feuding thisweek, finally. The dream team, F. Lee Bailey andRobert Shapiro, were able to put aside theirdifferences and express their admiration for eachother after O. J. threatened to cut their heads off…. [cheers and applause]
The United Paramount Network’s new show, “Star Trek:Voyager,” finished in first place Monday night with a14.7 rating. For those of you who don’t know, onerating point is equal to 950,000 nerds. … [someboos]
Officials in Disney World have ordered their ride “TheExtraTERRORestrial” to be shut down until it can bemade scarier. When the attraction reopens in twoweeks, it will be exactly the same — but missing sixbolts. …
This week, a court banned gays from marching inBoston’s St. Patrick’s Day parade, but they will stillallow them to be beaten up by drunken Irish guys. …[scattered applause] I’m afraid to know what you’reapplauding at there. Okay. …
Norm MacDonald: And now, turning again tosports, it’s time for Jay Mohr’s Wacky SportsBloopers. Jay?
Jay Mohr: [cheers and applause as we pan toJay] Thanks, Norm. Hello. Thanks, Norm, you know,there’s been a lot of nutty stuff goin’ on in thesports world lately so let’s just get right to thevideotape. First, in football, it’s the AFCchampionship game between the Steelers and theChargers. Here’s a kickoff like you’ve never seenbefore. [dissolve to video, goofy music accompaniesthe video which runs backward] The Steelers’ CharlieJohnson takes the ball — and he throws it seventyyards back to the kicker’s foot! That is crazy!… [dissolve back to Jay who laughs and pounds on theWU desk]
Alrighty! Whooo! … Now to hockey. The season’s onlyone night old but already we have an incredibleblooper for you. Opening night at the Garden, Rangersversus Sabers. Check out this action. [dissolve toupside down video of hockey game] Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaahaha! They’re skating upside down, everybody! Somebodyteach these guys about gravity! Hee hee hee![dissolve back to Norm and Jay at the WU desk]
Norm MacDonald: Uh, Jay, about these bloopers,they’re–
Jay Mohr: Now, hold on a minute, Norm! Youain’t seen nothin’ yet, okay? Quickly now tobasketball. [dissolve to Chicago Bulls basketballgame] Scotty Pippen tries to shoot and, wouldn’t youknow it, the ball freezes to the backboard![freeze frame of video] … [dissolve to Jay] Hey,Scotty, what’d you do, cover the ball with glue?[laughs]
Norm MacDonald: Okay, Jay, that’senough.
Jay Mohr: Enough?! Come on Norm, you can neverget enough of those wacky sports bloopers! They’repriceless!
Norm MacDonald: Now, now, Jay, these – thesearen’t bloopers, you just manipulated thevideotape.
Jay Mohr: Aw, you’re talkin’ crazy. … Comeon, check this one out.It’s from the U.S. Clay Court Championships. [dissolveto speeded up video of men’s tennis game] And JimCourier and Goran Pripic have quite a rally going!Yowww! … Look at those guys, they’re flying, where’sthe fire?! Somebody gave those guys super energy pillsor somethin’, right?! [dissolve back to Norm andJay]
Norm MacDonald: Hey, Jay, uh, look I’m sorry,I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Bloopers arereal events that happen on the field. You’re giving,uh, sports bloopers a bad name.
Jay Mohr: Aw, all right, fine, Norm, if that’sthe way you want it. I think I’ve got a blooper that’smore, y’know, real. Uh, we go to basketball.[dissolve to NBA basketball game] Seattle’s KendallGill goes up for a dunk and misses! [dissolveback to Norm and Jay]
Norm MacDonald: [laughs long and loud] Ahh,hahahahaha! … Ah, that’s funny!
Jay Mohr: No, that’s not the blooper. Keepwatching, Norm. Here it goes. [dissolve back to videoof NBA basketball game] Seattle gets the ball back,here they are and, wouldn’t you know it! [cut to oldfilm of Godzilla looming over a sports complex]Godzilla attacks the arena! … [Godzilla’stail smashes a structure, he emits radioactive breath,setting fire to some buildings] Wow! Put a tent onthat circus! I’ve never seen anything like that![dissolve back to Norm and Jay] That’s it, Norm, fromthe wacky world of sports!
Norm MacDonald: [nods, rolls his eyes] Okay,thanks, Jay. [cheers and applause for Jay, Norm shakeshis head at him]
Los Angeles Rams owner Georgia Frontiere announcedthis week that her football team is moving to St.Louis. The good news for the Rams is that, changingcities, the ticket sales will increase and more peoplewill pack the stadium. The bad news for the Rams is:they will still suck. …
Well, the Super Bowl is still a week away, but alreadythe 49ers are leading 31 to nothing. …
Finally, Amy Fisher charged this week that, while inprison, she was raped by a guard. The guard, oneJoseph Buttafuoco, has been reassigned to the prisonauto body shop. …
So, apparently, that’s the one we’re ending on. Okay,that’s it for now. See ya next week,folks!
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: February 11th, 1995 Bob Newhart Des’ree Suzanne Pleshette
Colin Ferguson Trial Colin Ferguson (Tim Meadows) makes a mockery defending himself in court.
Bob Newhart’s Monologue Newhart jokes about security guard’s first night on the job when King Kong visits.
Ricki Lake Dr. Bob Hartley (Newhart) counsels bizarre family sex problem. Recurring Characters: Ricki Lake.
Book Buzz Author of world record book (Chris Farley) prints personally-verified information.
Des’ree performs “You Gotta Be”
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald In clip, O.J. Simpson witness (Chris Elliot) makes faces at the camera. David Spade ponders likely suitors for newly-single Cindy Crawford. Adam Sandler sings about the “Sex Phone Lady.”
Baywatch Civilian (Newhart) saves drowning man (Chris Farley) when Baywatch team don’t react.
The Evaluation Postal Employee Relations Officer (Newhart) evaluates a disgruntled employee.
“Hi Bob” Newhart stops Chris Farley and Chris Elliot from playing drinking game.
Des’ree performs “Feels So High”
Sports Beat Manic-depressive announcer (Newhart) is interviewed.
Terry Moran…..Kevin Nealon Prosecutor…..Mark McKinney Judge…..Michael McKean Colin Ferguson…..Tim Meadows Bailiff…..Jay Mohr Mr. Schmidt…..David Spade Mr. McConnell…..Bob Newhart
[ open on Court TV logo ]
[ logo breaks apart to reveal Terry Moran ]
Terry Moran: Welcome back to Court TV, in our continuing coverage of the O.J. Simpson trial. I’m Terry Moran. Well, Judge Ito has just called a recess, and while we’re waiting we’re going to take you to a very different trial that’s unfolding all the way across the country in Miniola, New York. There, Colin Ferguson, accused railroad gunman, has been allowed to conduct his own defense.
[ dissolve to Prosecutor addressing the court, with SUPER: “Colin Ferguson Murder Trial – Opening Statement By Prosecution” ]
Prosecutor: The prosecution will prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that Colin Ferguson, on the evening of December 7th, 1993, fired a 9mm handgun indiscriminately at twenty-five passengers on the Long Island Railroad. You will see that the evidence of his guilt is overwhelimng, as is the enormity of the crime.
Judge: Mr. Ferguson, your opening statement, please.
Colin Ferguson: [ steps before the court ] Thank you, Your Honor. Ladies and gentleman of the jury, and all beings visible and invisible. The prosecution would have you believe I, Colin Ferguson, am guilty of these crimes, and so would the witnesses. But if you listen with an open mind, you will realize that, A: I did not shoot them, they shot me; B. I wasn’t on the train; and, C: There is no such thing as a “railroad” or a “Long Island.” Colin Ferguson is a victim of a conspiracy. Thank you.
Judge: Alright, uh.. let’s begin. Mr. Ferguson, you may call your first witness.
Colin Ferguson: Uh, yes. Mr. Ferguson would like to call to the stand, uh, Mr. Mark Schmidt.
[ Mr. Schmidt takes the stand, as the Bailiff steps up to him ]
Bailiff: [ holds out Bible ] Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Mr. Schmidt: I do.
Colin Ferguson: Now, Mr. Schmidt, you were on the train that day in December. Tell the court what happened that day when you shot me.
Mr. Schmidt: No, you shot me, and then you shot, like, twenty other people?
Colin Ferguson: We’ll let the jury decide who shot who. Now, would you describe the man who shot you?
Mr. Schmidt: You shot me.
Colin Ferguson: Please, answer the question, sir, unless you have somethig to hinde. Now, describe the man, please.
Mr. Schmidt: Uh.. African-American male.. 5’10”.. 180 pounds, and right now he’s wearing a brown suit?
Colin Ferguson: Is that man in the courtroom?
Mr. Schmidt: Yes. Yes, he is.
Colin Ferguson: Would you point him out, please?
[ Mr. Schmidt points directly at Colin Ferguson, who immediately ducks behind the podium to avoid falling in the line of fire ]
Colin Ferguson: Let the record show that Mr. Achmidt pointed to the man in the second row, sear number 3.
Prosecution: Objection!
Judge: Sustained.
Colin Ferguson: Your honor, may I have a second to, uh, confirm with my client?
Judge: Surely.
[ Colin Ferguson talks amongst himself, turning from one side of the courtroom to the other to differentiate the aggressive lawyer and the passive client ]
Colin Ferguson: I’ll handle this! [ to Mr. Schmidt ] Okay – let’s say I shot you. [ turns to the jurors, spins one hand and points to Mr. Schmidt with the other hand ] Cuckoo-oo! [ recomposes himself ] You must have done something to provoke me.
Mr. Schmidt: I didn’t do anything, I was just riding home on the train.
Colin Ferguson: Well, I’ll have you know that I was on that same train, and nobody shot me. Why is that?
Mr. Schmidt: I don’t know.
Colin Ferguson: “I.. don’t.. know.” “I don’t know.” Hmm. Well, when you know more, why don’t you give us a call? No more questions, Your Honor.
Judge: Thank you. Counsel?
Prosecutor: Mr. Schmidt, who shot you that day on the Long Island Railroad?
Mr. Schmidt: Colin Ferguson.
Prosecutor: No further questions, Your Honor.
[ Colin Ferguson gives a worried face to the camera, as Mr. Schmidt and the Prosecutor step down ]
[ dissolve to Terry Moran ]
Terry Moran: Later in the day, Colin Ferguson questioned Paul McConnell, one of the men who tackled him as he ran from the scene ]
[ dissolve back to the courtroom ]
Colin Ferguson: Now, Mr. McConnell, tell us about the day on the train before the shooting.
Mr. McConnell: Well, it was.. it was a normal day, until you started shooting people.
Colin Ferguson: A “normal” day. So, you didn’t hear any radio waves being broadcast to my head?
Mr. McConnell: Uh.. no.
Colin Ferguson: You sat next to me, and yet you heard no voices telling me to kill?
Mr. McConnell: [ shakes his head ] No.
Colin Ferguson: What about the day before?
Mr. McConnell: No.
Colin Ferguson: Interesting. You know, that was a trick question, Mr. McConnell. Because everyone knows that voices to our brains are only broadcast on Monday, Wednesday and Sunday. [ laughs uproariously to himself ] Monday.. Wednesday.. and Sunday!
Mr. McConnell: Your, uh.. Your Honor, can I step down now?
Judge: Just a moment, Mr. McConnell. Mr. Ferguson, do you have any further questions for this witness?
Colin Ferguson: Yes, Your Honor, I have another question for Mr. McConnell. [ steps closer to the bench, practically right in front of Mr. McConnell’s face ] Why did you shoot those people?
Mr. McConnell: I.. I didn’t shoot any one.. you did.
Colin Ferguson: [ leans in closer to Mr. McConnell ] You shot those people, didn’t you?
Mr. McConnell: No.
Colin Ferguson: Didn’t you?!
Mr. McConnell: No.
Colin Ferguson: Didn’t you?!
Mr. McConnell: No!
Colin Ferguson: Didn’t you?!
Mr. McConnell: ..No.
Colin Ferguson: Didn’t you?!
Mr. McConnell: No?
Colin Ferguson: Your Honor, may I please approach the bench?
[ the Judge nods yes, so Colin Ferguson leans to whisper his plea silently ]
Judge: Alright, alright, fine..
Colin Ferguson: [ again, to Mr. McConnell ] Didn’t you?!
Mr. McConnell: No.
Colin Ferguson: Didn’t you?!
Mr. McConnell: No!
Colin Ferguson: [ slaps the desk ] No more questions!
Judge: Counsel?
[ Prosecutor steps forward again ]
Prosecutor: [ sighs ] Mr. McConnell, who is the man that shot those people that day, on the train?
Mr. McConnell: Colin Ferguson.
Prosecutor: No more questions, Your Honor.
Judge: Thank you, Mr. McConnell. Uh.. call your next witness, Mr. Ferguson.
[ Colin Ferguson steps forward again ]
Colin Ferguson: Colin Ferguson calls to the stand, Denver quarterback, uh.. John Elway.
Prosecutor: Your Honor!
Yeah, Counsel, approach the bench, please.
Prosecutor: What is the relevance of this witness, what’s the point?
Colin Ferguson: Once I question Mr. Elway, President Clinton, and that dog — [ points to dog sitting in the courtroom ] — then, you will see the point!
Judge: [ relunctantly ] Sustained.
Colin Ferguson: Alright! [ laughs, jumps onto the defense table triumphantly ] I win, I win!
Judge: [ bangs gavel ] Order in the court! Order in the court, Mr. Feguson! Get off the table! You didn’t win, you were overruled! Guards! Grab him!
Colin Ferguson: I win, I win!
Judge: You lost!
Colin Ferguson: I’m a winner! I’m a winner!
[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]
When we ome back, we’ll watch as Colin Ferguson fires his lawyer, Colin Ferguson; and hires a new lawyer, Colin Ferguson. But, for now – “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Jack Handey V/O: The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn’t pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren’t many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor’s bills were real high.
[ Bob Newhart stands at Home Base with cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live” ]
Bob Newhart: I had a great time, did you have a great time tonight? [ audience cheers ] Des’ree!
[ Newhart and the cast wave goodnight as the credits roll. Norm MacDonald presents Newhart with one of his comedy albums, which Newhart happily autographs and displays for the audience to see. ]
[ cut to the individual Broadway Video and NBC Productions logos ]
[ dissolve to black, then dissolve up on the bedroom of Bob and Emily Hartley. Bob rises frantically and turns on the light. ]
Bob Hartley: Oh, my God! Honey, honey, wake up!
[ Emily Hartley rises from her side of the bed ]
Emily Hartley: What is it, Bob? Did you have another dream?
Bob Hartley: Yeah! It was.. it was horrible! I dreamed I was hosting “Saturday Night Live”.
Emily Hartley: “Saturday Night Live”? Is that show still on?
Bob Hartley: I don’t know! [ pause ] But thank God it was a dream. Good.. good night, honey.
Emily Hartley: Good night, Bob.
[ they kiss goodnight, turn off the light and go back to sleep, as “The Bob Newhart Show” theme music pots up and the scene fades ]
Air Date:
