For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 10
94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
You can’t tell me that cowboys, when they’re branding cattle,
don’t sort of “accidentally” brand each other every once in a while.
It’s their way of letting off stress.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 10
94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson
Entertainment Tonight
Mary Hart…..Laura Kightlinger
John Tesh…..Michael McKean
Ron Wood…..Mike Myers
Jodie Foster…..Janeane Garofalo
Liam Neeson…..Jeff Daniels
FADE IN
The ET bumper graphic comes accompanied by the ET theme music. MARY HART & JOHN TESH are seated at the news desk.
Mary Hart: Welcome back to Entertainment Tonight!
A still of Annette Bening appears on screen.
SUPER: ANNETTE BENING – 58
John Tesh: Celebrating birthdays today Annette Bening is 58.
A still of Goldie Hawn ON/S.
SUPER: GOLDIE HAWN – 87
Mary Hart: Goldie Hawn is 87.
A still of Donna Mills ON/S.
John Tesh: And Donna Mills is a lucky 100 years old today!
Mary Hart: Nell, Jodie Fosters new movie about a wild child of the woods who speaks her own language, has many in Hollywood speaking their own unique language – – English – – about another Oscar for the two-time Oscar winner to add to the two she already has – – making it an even three.
John Tesh: Our camera caught up with Jodie, and her co-star Liam Neeson, on location in the green mountains of Kentucky. Well, here with the story is ETs own Ron Wood.
EXT. FILM SET KENTUCKY GREEN MOUNTAINS DAY
Rolling Stones bassist RON WOOD, holding a cigarette & martini up to the camera while seated in a directors chair.
Ron Wood: Cheers, mate. All right. Ron Wood – –
Ron mumbles one incoherent word after another, then chuckles.
Ron Wood: All right!
The CAMERA pans out to REVEAL JODIE FOSTER seated on Rons right and LIAM NEESON seated on Rons left. Jodies in her hermit wardrobe from the film, prancing her fingers and a leaf in the air. Liams sulking and smoking a cigarette.
Ron Wood: Im here with Jodie Foster and Liam Neeson; you know what I mean man? All right. Yeah.
Ron laughs and takes a quick sip from his martini.
Ron Wood: Jodie – – Oscar time, all right. Do you – –
Ron mumbles off topic, guffaws, and drinks his martini.
Jodie Foster: Chickapay. Chickapay mismay. Hineetay. Chickapay.
Ron Wood: All right, man. All right. Sound as a pound, lad. Sound as a pound. All right. Okay. Liam, Liam, what is it – –
Rons mumbling and laughs through his intoxication.
Ron Wood: Schindlers List, you know, Schindlers List.
Liam Neeson: It was a mistake, me being a man, you know – –
Liam launches into mumbling. Ron arches his eyes, and then chortles.
Ron Wood: You, you.
Ron mumbles while Liam nods his head and flashes a slight grin.
Ron Wood: Its crazy, man. Its crazy.
Both men take long puffs from their smokes.
Ron Wood: Liam, Ireland, alcoholism – –
Liam groans and shakes his head.
Ron Wood: Whats that all about?
Liam mumbles.
Ron Wood: Oh, come on, man! Its me Ronnie! Its me Ronnie, man! Liam, its me Ronnie!
Both men engage in a crosstalk of mumbling and then resume smoking. Jodie waves his fingers and the leaf across Ron & Liam.
Jodie Foster: Chickapay mismay.
Ron Wood: Chickapay – thats right, man.
Ron mumbles more and more.
Ron Wood: Ron Wood, with Liam and Entertainment Tonight All right.
Ron mumbles and laughs at himself then hums the ET theme.
INT. ET STUDIOS
Mary and John are smiling at the desk.
John Tesh: All right. Thank you, Ron. Boy, it looks like they had a good time, didnt they?
Mary Hart: It sure does.
John gives a boisterous yet brief chuckle and then goes straight-faced.
John Tesh: When ET continues, well talk with actor Charlie Sheen, then find out what it was like working for his father and his brother, and sleeping with all those Hollywood prostitutes.
Mary and John smile. The ET theme resumes as does the bumper graphic.
END
Submitted by: Cody Downs
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 10
94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson
Film Beat
Ted Davis…..Chris Elliot
…..Jeff Daniels
Mark’s Voice…..Michael McKean
Caption: FILM BEAT
[Opens with Ted and Jeff sitting in directors chairswith a TV screen behind them. Two rows of black andwhite pictures of Jeff Daniels performances from hismovies are on the set]
Ted Davis: Hi and welcome to Film Beat. I’m Ted Davis.No relation to Betty. Ha,ha,ha. And with me today isJeff Daniels. A very versatile actor now starring withJim Carrey in the hit comedy “Dumb and Dumber”. Whichone were you? He, he, he…
Jeff Daniels: Well, I mean there wasn’t really much…
Ted Davis: No, no, no, that was the title, right?
Jeff Daniels: Right.
Ted Davis: But I got ya’.
Jeff Daniels: You did, you did. Yep.
Ted Davis: Well, I think we have a clip from “Dumb andDumber”. Is that all cued up, Mark?
Mark: [off camera]Oh, yeah.
Ted Davis: Ok, great. So let’s take a look.”Dumb and Dumber”
[Cut to the scene in Dumb and Dumber were Jeffcharacter is panting and grunting in the bathroom,taking his pants and underwear off in a hurry andtaking a thunderous dump. His face contorts andflatulence and diarrhea sounds are heard. His facechanges to comfort and with a towel he fans out thewindow the unholy smell of his crap]
[Back to studio]
Ted Davis:[laughs]That is funny stuff. Very funny, Jeff.[pats Jeff leg]
Jeff Daniels:[amused but a little embarrassed] Yeah, well, not one of my proudest moments.
Ted Davis: Of course not.
Jeff Daniels: Hey, it was a nice change of pace.
Ted Davis: Sure. No, absolutely. Now look, let me askyou something. Last summer you starred in the big action hit “Speed”.
Jeff Daniels: Mm-mmm.
Ted Davis: Tell us about that one.
Jeff Daniels: Oh, right. Well, I play an explosivesexpert and Keanu Reeves is my partner and he’s in abus with a bomb and I’m trying to figure out a way tokeep it from blowing up.
Ted Davis: Wow. Ok, well I think we have a clip ofthat. Let’s take a look.
[They turn to look at the screen again. The same clipof Dumb and Dumber plays again. The thunderous crap scene]
[Back to studio]
Jeff Daniels:[confused look] I think there’s a….
Ted Davis: Wow! That was exciting. Boy, jeez. So Iguess the whole idea was that the stress caused yousome sort of gastrointestinal thing?
Jeff Daniels: Um, no. Actually, no. I think someonemade a mistake. That was the same clip from before.That was a scene from “Dumb and Dumber”.
Ted Davis:[surprised]Ok, um Jeff. Wow. Umm. Let meswitch gears here for a second. I want to talk alittle bit about your breakthrough role in one of myfavorite films “Terms of Endearment”.
Jeff Daniels: Sure.
Ted Davis: If we could.
Jeff Daniels: Well, I played a college professor whose wife was…
Ted Davis: Played by Debra Winger.
Jeff Daniels: Right. She’s diagnosed with cancer andthen she finds out I’m having an affair with a student.
Ted Davis: Yes, that was quite a moment. I remember.
Jeff Daniels: Yeah, yeah. People hated my characterfor cheating on a dying woman.
Ted Davis: Yeah, no I’m sure. I can imagine. Butironically if I remember correctly your character alsocame down with a little bit of an illness. Something.Little bit of Montezuma’s revenge. Let’s take a look.I think we have a clip.
Jeff Daniels: What?!
[Cut to scene of thunderous dump of Dumb and Dumber]
[back to studio]
Ted Davis: Well Jeff Daniels, Deborah Winger, “Termsof Endearment”. A lot of Oscars passed around. I don’tknow. How did you feel? I don’t want to say overlooked….
Jeff Daniels:[distressed] No, listen Ted. I thinkthere’s a problem with the clips.
Ted Davis: Mark, are we having problems with the clips?
Mark: [off camera] No problem.
Ted Davis: Ok, no problem with the clips. Ok, let meagain switch gears if I could for a second here.
Jeff Daniels:[getting angry] Yeah, yeah.
Ted Davis: Do you worry at all about being typecast?At all. I mean, do you worry about always being theguy in the toilet? I mean….Jeff “Diarrhea Head” Daniels.
Jeff Daniels: All right. Look, look….I think Ibetter just leave.[gets ready to leave, Ted holds his arm]Ted Davis: I’m sorry Jeff. Can you hold that thought?We have to break away for a commercial here and willbe right back after this commercial with Jeff “ToiletBoy” Daniels? So stay tuned.
[cut to thunderous dump scene of Dumb and Dumber]
[back to studio]
Ted Davis: Ok, so we’re back from commercials.
Jeff Daniels: That wasn’t a commercial!!
Ted Davis: Yes, it was.
Jeff Daniels: No!, no!
Ted Davis: It was a commercial.
Jeff Daniels: Well, what was it a commercial for?!!
Ted Davis: You know, I’m not sure. Let’s take another look.
Jeff Daniels: NO!!!
Ted Davis: Its…we could do it. It’s very easy to…
Jeff Daniels: No!
Ted Davis: Are you sure?
Jeff Daniels: No….fine.
Ted Davis: So what’s next for Jeffrey Daniels? Tell meabout it. What are you working on now?
Jeff Daniels: Well, as a matter of fact, I’m writing ascreenplay that I’m very excited about.
Ted Davis: Oh, that’s terrific, yeah. I think we havea clip of that. Let’s take a look.
Jeff Daniels: No, you don’t.
Ted Davis: Mark, do we have a clip of that?
Mark: [off camera] Absolutely.
Ted Davis: Ok, great.
Jeff Daniels: You don’t have a clip of a movie thathasn’t even been made yet!!!
Ted Davis: Oh, my dear Jeffrey. Then pray tell what might this be?
[Thunderous dump scene from Dumb and Dumber playsagain. Jeff is mortified. He covers his face, Tedlooks at him and enjoys watching him squirm]
Ted Davis: Ok, well Jeff. I think we’re just out oftime. Do you have any last words you’d like to leaveus with?
Jeff Daniels: Yeah, I really don’t know why you’redoing this. You know, I’ve never been treated in thisway. I mean, I really, really, really resent….[loudfart sound effects]
Ted Davis: Oh, no. Come on.[Fans his face, making itlook like Jeff is farting]
Jeff Daniels: I flew in here for this….I, I, Icould’ve said no….
[Film Beat logo appears. Frustrated Jeff keeps talkingto a uninterested Ted]
[fade]
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 10
94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson
Gay Stripper Theater
Ryan Shiraki…..Jeff Daniels
Kevin’s Father…..Chris Farley
Bruce…..Tim Meadows
Dave…..Kevin Nealon
Mark…..Adam Sandler
Shane…..Michael McKean
Talent Scout…..Jay Mohr
Scott…..Mike Myers
Boyfriend…..Fred Wolf
FADE IN:
[ CLASSIC MUSIC PLAYS OVER A PURPLE CURTAIN GRAPHIC ]
[ TITLE CARD: GAY STRIPPER THEATER ]
[ INT. STUDIO – NIGHT ]
[ Host RYAN SHIRAKI, sporting a mullet with suit and tie, sits at a bartable holding a glass of scotch. An ashtray and basket of peanuts are in front of him. ]
Ryan Shiraki: Hello, I’m Ryan Shiraki and welcome to “Gay StripperTheater”. In our first scene titled “Hitting My Stride” — Scott, a gaystripper, puts it all together and puts on the best performance of hislife. Let’s take a look…
[ INT. STRIP CLUB – NIGHT ]
[ MUSIC: SNOOP DOGG’S “WHAT’S MY NAME?”]
[ Several patrons sit near the stage as SCOTT, a curly-haired gay stripperwearing short, tight leather, does his routine as flamboyantly as he can.The crowd cheers as he exits. ]
[ BACK TO STUDIO ]
Ryan Shiraki: Well, he was gay and he certainly knew how to strip! In ournext scene, Bruce lives out every gay stripper’s worst nightmare. Let’swatch — Uh oh! — Mom and Dad are in the audience!
[ Shiraki chuckles. ]
[ BACK TO STRIP CLUB ]
[ MUSIC: “WHAT’S MY NAME?” ]
[ The patrons watch and cheer as BRUCE, dressed in a revealing cowboycostume, dances a jig and strips. He notices his parents in the front. ]
Bruce: Mom! Dad! Can’t you see I’m not Rodney!? I’m not and I never will be!!
[ Bruce tearfully leaves the stage as his parents shake their heads. The crowd applauds. ]
[ BACK TO STUDIO ]
Ryan Shiraki: That’s right, Mr. & Mrs. Bruce’s parents — deal with it!
[ Shiraki chuckles. ]
Ryan Shiraki: Let’s move onto our next scene entitled “The Talent Scouts are Here!” Mark, a gay stripper, has been practicing for this night for the past three weeks. The only problem is he fell asleep in a chair and woke up with a stiff neck!
[ Shiraki chuckles. ]
Ryan Shiraki: Let’s take a look at this stiff-necked gay stripper!
[ Shiraki chuckles. ]
[ BACK TO STRIP CLUB ]
[ MUSIC: “WHAT’S MY NAME?” ]
[ The patrons watch as MARK, in tattered jeans and mesh tank top, beginshis routine. He performs without trouble on his right side, but can barelymove his left side. A TALENT SCOUT and his assistant take notes. Mark canhardly stand the pain. He removes his belts, struggles to place it betweenhis crotch and ass and gyrates the belt until it’s too much. ]
Mark: Oh damn this stiff neck!! This is the worst night of my life!!!
[ Mark tearfully leaves the stage as the crowd cheers. ]
[ BACK TO STUDIO ]
Ryan Shiraki: Well Mark, you’ve got a killer body, you had great moves;but the problem was your neck was too stiff!!
[ Shiraki chuckles. ]
Ryan Shiraki: Our next scene is entitled “What Are You Doing with Him?”Moments before his performance — Dave, a gay stripper, finds out hisboyfriend is in the crowd with another man. Let watch…
[ Shiraki grins. ]
[ BACK TO STRIP CLUB ]
[ MUSIC: “WHAT’S MY NAME?” ]
[ DAVE, in low-low cut Army fatigues, comes out to dance and gets cheersfrom the crowd. He frowns as he notices his lover SHANE with anotherBOYFRIEND. He does his dance and flips off Shane Italian-style. Shane putshis arm around the boyfriend. Dave smacks his backside for Shane to noticewhile leaving. ]
Dave: And one another thing Shane – you can kiss this goodbye!
[ Shane laughs and applauds while the boyfriend rolls his eyes. The crowd cheers. ]
[ BACK TO STUDIO ]
Ryan Shiraki: I guess that gay stripper is now officially available! Ourfinal scene tonight, “The Substitute”, is a heartwarming tale of loyaltyand sacrifice. A gay stripper, Kevin, twists his ankle at dance practiceand cannot perform that night. With Kevin’s gay stripping job at stake,his father steps in to save the day. Let’s take a look…
[ BACK TO STRIP CLUB ]
[ MUSIC: “WHAT’S MY NAME?” ]
[ KEVIN’S FATHER, wearing boxers and a tank top, “bunny-hops” to thecenter stage and does a 1930’s stripper routine. He struggles to keep hisboxers from falling off. He stops and points to the crowd. ]
Kevin’s Father: MY SON’S A GAY STRIPPER!! AND BY GOD I LOVE THE BOY!!
[ He departs to a roaring crowd. ]
[ BACK TO STUDIO ]
Ryan Shiraki: That’s “Gay Stripper Theater” for this week! Good night!
[ Shiraki grins. ]
[ CLASSIC MUSIC PLAYS OVER A PURPLE CURTAIN GRAPHIC ]
[ TITLE CARD: GAY STRIPPER THEATER ]
Submitted by: Cody Downs
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 10
94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson
Goodnights
…..Jeff Daniels
Jeff Daniels: Thanks to Luscious Jackson! Everybody at “Saturday Night Live”. G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band! Thank you!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 10
94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson
Martin Luther King Day
Jeff…..Jeff Daniels
Chris…..Chris Elliot
Tim…..Tim Meadows
Adam…..Adam Sandler
Felicia…..Ellen Cleghorne
[ open on two white employees sitting in their office ]
Jeff: Hey, check it out – we’ve got Monday off!
Chris: Oh, yeah.. it’s Washington’s Birthday, or something, isn’t it?
Jeff: No. It’s Martin Luther King Day. What are you gonna do?
Chris: Oh, probably what I do every Martin Luther King Day – I’ll just plant myself in front of the tube, watch cartoons, and drink beer!
Jeff: [ chuckles ] Yeah, I’m with you. Hey! Why don’t you come over? I’ve got some Air Hockey in the basement.
Chris: Hey, that’s a great idea! I’ll be there – I’ll bring some Stooges videos.
Jeff: Great!
[ Tim, a black employee, enters the office ]
Tim: Hey, guys! What’s going on? Hey, what are you guys doing Monday – you know, Dr. Martin Luther King’s Birthday?
Jeff: Uh.. oh, I don’t know.. I thought I’d just, you know, go over to the library and read some of his collective writings.
Chris: Yeah.. yeah, I’ll probably see you there.
Tim: Hey, you guys are gonna kill yourselves when you hear what I’m doing. They’re holding a marathon reading of all Dr. King’s speeches at my church! [ the guys are “impressed” ] Unfortunately, they’re sold out.
Jeff: Aw, wow, sold out, that sucks!
Chris: Gee, thanks for telling us about it now! Gee whiz, I could have heard of that sooner!
Tim: Oh, well, wait, let me finish, though. I just happen to have two spare tickets!
Jeff: Oh, that is.. so excellent..
Chris: Yeah.. but now you’re putting me on an emotional roller coaster here, because noew you’re gonna say you have the two spare tickets but they’re for somebody else..
Tim: No. They’re all yours.
Jeff: Oh, well.. [ reluctant to take the tickets ] Oh, look, it starts at 7 a.m…
Tim: Yeah. And it usually runs past midnight.
Chris: Well, you really got your money’s worth with this..
Tim: Yeah. So, let’s get some coffee going here, huh? [ bends down by coffeepot ] How’s this plug in? Oh, here it is..
[ Adam enters ]
Adam: Hey! Can you guys believe it? We’ve got Monday off for Martin Luther King – you want to get drunk and go to Atlantic City?
Jeff: No.. we’ve got tickets for that reading of speeches by Dr. King..
Adam: Oh, yeah.. Seriously, though – you want to get drunk and go to Atlantic City? They’ve got a free bus that goes there every two hours.. [ suddenly sees behind him ] ..but, uh, you know, that speech thing, that sounds pretty good.. should give that a shot, you got any more tickets?
Chris: No, uh.. we snagged the last two.
Adam: You lucky bastards! Oh, my! It serves me right for getting here late!
Tim: I’ll tell you what – I’ll make a call and rustle up one more.
Adam: You’re not jazzing me, are ya? ‘Cause I would kill for one of those tickets!
Tim: I’ll get you one, don’t worry! Hey, I’m glad you guys are here, because I’ve got your Martin Luther King presents. [ hands one to each co-worker ]
Jeff: Oh, look at this – “Great Kings of Africa”! Hey, not too shabby.
Chris: No, no.. you mut have read my mind.
Adam: Uh, I’ve got my weekend reading now..
Jeff: Hey, I almost forgot.. I forgot to give you my present.. [ grabs laptop from his desk ] Yeah, it’s already got a bunch of software on it, and I already turned it on for you..
Tim: This is really beautiful! I can use this.
Chris: [ pulls wallet out of his pants ] Here, buddy.. here’s my present. [ hands him his wallet ] Happy Martin Luther King Day..
Tim: A wallet!
Chris: Yeah. Oh, look, it’s got my initials on it there, to honor Dr. King..
Tim: Hey, that’s so thoughtful. [ opens wallet ] Hey, there’s cash in here, too!
Chris: Yeah, there is.. that’s all part of the gift..
Adam: Hey, uh, I went in on that, so that’s kinda from both of us!
[ Felicia enters ]
Felicia: Hi, good morning, everybody.
Tim: Hey, Felicia! Happy Dr. Martin Luther King Day!
Felicia: Happy Dr. Martin Luther King Day, my brother! [ they hug ] You know, I think the white man just tries to keep us down.. [ cries ]
Tim: I know.. I know..
Felicia: You know, we are too strong, too proud, for them, man!
[ the three co-workers stand silent, unsure of what to do ]
Chris: Felicia.. would you like a laptop computer..? [ holds his out for her ]
Tim: Look, guys, could you give us a few minutes? You know..
Jeff: Yeah, maybe we’d better go.
[ the three co-workers exit the office, as Felicia continues to cry ]
Tim: It’s okay, they’re gone.
Felicia: Oh, great! So, what did you get?
Tim: I got a wallet and a laptop computer!
Felicia: Wow!
Tim: Plus, I got rid of all those Kwaanza books everybody gave me!
Felicia: You know what I got? Nothing. Let’s just go to Atlantic City and get drunk!
Tim: Great!
[ fade out ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 10
94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson
Mystery Dinner Theater
Bob Mackadoo…..Jeff Daniels
Maxwell Albright…..Chris Farley
Penny Monroe…..Jeanene Garofalo
Gloria Dudley…..Ellen Cleghorne
Michael Duke of Bedford…..Mike Myers
Kurt Rambus…..Michael Mckean
Kevin Mchale…..Kevin Nealon
Janitor…..Chris Elliot
(opens with the outside of the theater, close up onthe marquee reads “Eeny Meeny Miny Murder, catch akiller in the Mansion of Flurder”, cut to the insideof the theater. Young man in glasses addresses theaudience)
Bob Mackadoo: Good evening ladies and gentlemen.Welcome to Mckeesport dinner theater. I’m your hostBob Mackadoo. Tonight we present Eeny Meenie MinyMuder catch a killer in the Mansion of Flurder. As ourwhodunit unfolds we meet 7 people, each one summonedby a mysterious invitation to the hilltop mansion ofVictor Flurder millionaire industrialist.(beat)Whatfollows is a murder most foul. So follow the trail ofclues and unravel the mystery. The game is afoot.
(Bob leaves the stage, dramatic music plays , open thecurtains revealing an elegant living room full ofantiques with a large fat man sitting in the middleand 4 people, 2 people per couch facing each other.Bob runs into the scene and stands next to the man inthe chair.)
Bob Mackadoo: Well it seems all our guests havearrived. I do have a question though. Do any of youactually knows our host Victor Flurder?
Max Allbright: (snotty voice) You mean you don’t? Ithought I was the only fellow who didn’t. By the wayI’m Maxwell Albright. Of the toothpaste Allbright’s.
Gloria Dudley: (a trace of an Jamaican accent) How doyou do? My name is Gloria Dudley. I’ve heard of yourtoothpaste but I never heard of Flurder until I gotthis letter. Isn’t it odd?
Penny Monroe: (sultry voice) It is odd. I’m Penny Monroeand I don’t know our host either. So, why are weinvited here?
Michael Duke of Bedford: (British accent) Well, there’sgot to be something we have in common. Sorry, uh, I’mMichael uh, Duke of uh, Bedford.
Kurt Rambus: My name is Kurt Rambus. I race cars and asI assume no one pursues that particular livelihood. Ican only conclude there is no common thread. Or isthere?
Kevin Mchale: I’m Det. Kevin Mchale. I work thehomicide detail. I can’t shake this nagging feeling Iwas invited tonight for a reason.
Bob Mackadoo: What are you saying, man? Why– (Lights goout, dramatic music, nervous shrieks, Albright gets uplooking around worried)
Penny Monroe: Oh! What happened to the lights?
Kevin Mchale: It’s probably just a fuse, folks. Weshould go look for the fuse box. All right, everyonesplit up. Each check a room. Alone.
(everyone leaves except Albright. He sits in the chairat center stage)
Maxwell Albright: I’ll stay here in the event ourelusive host makes an appearance. (suspenseful music)(Bob approaches) Kurt? Earl? Is someone there?
Bob Mackadoo: Come into my parlor said the spider tothe fly.
Maxwell Albright: What? Who are you?
Bob Mackadoo: Say goodbye, Mr. Albright!
Maxwell Albright: What? (punch) OOWW!! (punch) OOWW! (punch) WHY ARE YOU (punch) HITTING ME!! (punch) WHO ARE YOU? (punch) YOUR FISTS (punch) ARE CRUSHING MY FACE!! (punch) OWW! (punch) YOUR PUNCHES ARE (punch )AHHH! HEARING MY BONES SNAPPING!! (punch) YOU’RE KILLING ME!! (Max is thrown into a table that smashes under his weight) MY MONOCLE (kick) HAS SLICED (kick) MY EYE (kick) AHH!! (kick) I’M BLIND! (Bob throws Max onto the sofa and continues his unholy beating) I CAN’T SEE (punch) AHH!! STOP! (punch) STOP IT! (punch) YOU’RE KILLING ME!! (punch) OH, GOD! (punch) THERE’S BLOOD EVERYWHERE! (punch) OH, MY GOD! I’M SWIMMING IN MY OWN WARM STICKY BLOOD!! FLUIDS SHOOTS FROM MY EYE SOCKETS!! MERCIFUL GOD! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!! ANSWER ME !!! (Bob approaches with a shovel) (clang) OOHH!! YOU’RE USING A SHOVEL (clang) OOWW!! (clang) YOUR FISTS (clang) WERE BAD ENOUGH (clang) NOW THIS!! (clang) OOWW!! I SEE DEATH, HE IS COMING (clang) OOHH! (the force of the last blow throws him against the furniture on the other side of the room, Max on his knees) OH, NO! (punch) OW! (punch) OOWW!! (punch) DON’T LET ME DIE (punch) IN (punch) A (punch) PUDDLE (punch) OF MY (punch) OWN (punch) URINE!!! (Max is again thrown to the ground)
(Cut to backstage the actors are talking out of character)
Penny: Hey am I crazy? or is this death scene going onlike forever.
Michael: (reading Variety)Oh! sorry I wasn’t payingattention. The death scene. Oh my God is it stillgoing on?
Gloria: I had to go put money in the meter. Hi. Isanybody noticing how long the murder scene is goingon?
Penny:That’s what we just saying. So it’s not our imagination, right?
(back to death scene)
Maxwell Albright: DEATH’S COLD LIPS (punch) ARE PRESSEDAGAINST MINE!! DEATH BECKONS ME TO A PLACE WHEREPUNCHES NO LONGER RAIN DOWN UPON MY BODY!! (Bob throwsa big vase on top of Maxwell’s head, vase shatters) MYGOD AAHH!! MY HEAD JUST POPPED LIKE A RIPE MELON!! (Bobis exhausted)
(cut to backstage)
Kurt: You know, I had to reglue my mustache and barelyhad time. Is it just me or are they racing throughthat murder scene?
Penny: Are you serious? We were just saying that itseems that is taking forever.
Gloria: Yeah.
Kurt: Well, of course I’m not serious. Whoo hoo! It’scalled sarcasm. This murder is taking a damn month!
Michael: Maybe it feels longer because it’s the 50thperformance.
Gloria: Well, at least they dropped that saw part, youknow, the chainsaw?
Kurt: Chainsaw, yeah.
(chainsaw sounds from the death scene are heard backstage, actors sigh in disappointment)
(back to death scene Maxwell is sitting in a chair and Bob saws Maxwell’s midsection)
Maxwell Albright: OH!! MOTHER OF MERCY THE CHAINSAW ISTEARING INTO MY FLESH LIKE THE HUNGRY TEETH OFSATAN!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! THE BLOOD SPURTS FROMMY BODY LIKE A ROARING FOUNTAIN!! YOU ARE CARVING MEUP LIKE SO MUCH RAW BLOODY BEEF!! (Bob shoots Maxwellpoint blank range in the head 4 times)
(cut to backstage)
Kevin: This is crazy. I got to pick up my kids at theirgrandmother’s. How much longer is this murder gonnabe?
Michael: We’re not sure. Most of the audience leftanyway so why don’t you take off.
Kevin: I can’t take off. Mr. never gonna die is parkedbehind me. He’s blocking me in!
(Bob enters backstage exhausted)
Bob: I want you guys to know, it’s not me that’smilking it out there. He just won’t die!
Penny: I knew it, I knew it. I knew this murder wastaking longer than usual. It wasn’t my imagination. Iwasn’t sure but now I am.
Bob: You know what I think it is? His parents were in the audience tonight.
Michael: Okay, fine. Let’s go out and just pull the plug on this thing.
Penny: You think that’s–
(back to the stage)
Maxwell Albright: OH! SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!! HE’S OFFSOMEWHERE EATING MY BLOODY STOMACH, WHEN WILL HERETURN ONCE AGAIN TO RAIN SHOVEL BLOWS TO MY HEAD (thelights go up on the stage and the actors surroundMaxwell) OH, MY GOD!! NOW THERE IS 6 OF YOU!! HERE TOKILL ME!!! WHY, GOD, WHY!!
(Maxwell on his knees finishes with a dramatic pose,the back of his hand on his forehead. A janitor isputting the audience chairs on top of the tables)
Janitor: Hey, kids. When you’re done with your littleencounter session or whatever the hell it is you’redoing up there. Can you close the door and turn outthe lights? And hey, fat stuff. Your parents said theywill meet you at Shakie’s, the pizza place out on route19, if anyone wants to go. They did say if you could,not to bring up the play, ok. All right kids, knockyourselves out. The play is the thing. Stupid.
(janitor picks up his jacket and leaves)
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
January 21st, 1995
David Hyde Pierce
Live
None
Judge Ito (Mike Myers) sorts through allowable O.J. Simpson evidence.Recurring Characters: Judge Ito, Marcia Clark, Robert Shapiro, F. Lee Bailey,Johnny Cochran.
Pierce is the Very Model of a Modern Major General.
Homeowner (Chris Elliot) promotes laser with contradicting disclaimers.
Teacher (Pierce) applauds students’ plagierized rock lyrics.
Children are prim and proper, until they fall into the icy lake.
Andy (Mike Myers) & Ian (Mark McKinney) butt heads with tennis hooligan (Pierce).Recurring Characters: Andy Gray, Ian Daglers.
Tim Meadows is happy the hockey strike is over.Jay Mohr presents manipulated sports bloopers.
Brainy cadet (Pierce) might be a robot spy.
Lawyers (Pierce, Michael McKean) have nervous habit of shearing sheep.
Foreignor (Pierce) and Jersey kids (Adam Sandler, David Spade) miscommunicate.
Recurring Characters: Lionel Osbourne.
Darrill (Mark McKinney) meets naughty little girl Claire (Chris Elliot) online.
Disney subsidiaries are praised against their competitors.
Goodnights
…..David Hyde Pierce
David Hyde Pierce: Thank you to the cast and crew, thank you to Live, thank you very much for watching, good night!
Foreignors & Jersey Kids
Foreigner…..David Hyde Pierce
Jersey Kid 1…..David Spade
Jersey Kid 2…..Adam Sandler
[open on interior of moving train, with foreigner in window seat and two Jersey kids next to him]
Foreigner: [with heavy, nondescript European accent] Nice, sunny day, yes?
Jersey Kid 2: Yeah, it’s sunny, nice.
Foreigner: I can’t wait to go home to, to see, um, how you say, the woman, oh, you know, marriage woman. No, um, how you say, oh, ring on finger women.
Jersey Kid 2: Yeah, yeah, your doorknob.
Foreigner: Ah! Yes, yes, yes, my doorknob. Is so nice to see her. She make dinner for me at the end of the day. She’s the best doorknob man could ask for.
Jersey Kid 1: Yeah, yeah, you love your doorknob, don’t you?
Foreigner: Oh, oh, yes, oh so much. But, when we dinner, I am getting tired. I have to go to the sleeping place. Eh, with the, how you say, with the blankets and the pillows, and you lay on the–
Jersey Kid 2: Mashed potatoes.
Foreigner: Mashed potatoes! Yes, yes, yes, I sleep in my mashed potatoes. Soft and comfortable-like. Yeah, I like sleeping.
Jersey Kid 1: Yeah, I bet you do. Hey, does your doorknob lay in your mashed potatoes at night with you after dinner? Come on!
[all chuckle]
Foreigner: No, no, no. She has to take care of the, how you say, little one. Little person, tiny person, oh, how you say, just born person.
Jersey Kid 2: Your volleyball.
Foreigner: My volleyball!
Jersey Kid 1: Wow, you must be very proud to be the father of a beautiful little volleyball.
Foreigner: Yes! Yes, but it’s very sad.
Jersey Kid 2: Huh? Why’s that?
Jersey Kid 1: Why’s that?
Foreigner: Well, when me and my doorknob lay in the mashed potatoes at night, [Jersey kids laugh at the misused words] my doorknob cannot stop crying because my volleyball has no lungs or liver.
Jersey Kid 2: Oh, my God, I’m sorry.
Jersey Kid 1: I’m so sorry.
[Jersey kids cover their mouths with their hands and look at each other guiltily as the image freezes]
[voice over and title: “Foreigners and Jersey Kids, learning from each other”]
Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!