1994 Archives - Page 6 of 17 - SNL Transcripts Tonight

Taxicab Confessions

Taxicab Confessions

Cabdriver #1…..Tim Meadows
Fare #1…..Chris Farley
Cabdriver #2…..Kevin Nealon
Fare #2…..Adam Sandler
Cabdriver #3…..David Spade
Jay Leno…..George Clooney

[ open on opening sequence ]

Announcer: HBO presents.. Taxicab Confessions. Real people, caught on tape.

[ dissolve to Fare #1 entering Cabdriver #1’s cab ]

Cabdriver #1: Where to?

Fare #1: Uh.. gay bar, please?

Cabdriver #1: So, you’re gay, huh?

Fare #1: Well.. let me put it to you this way: I am gay, but my wife and three sons don’t know about it! [ laughs uproariously ]

Cabdriver #1: So, you keep it a secret, do you?

Fare #1: Well, yeah. Basically, what I try to do is act real manly in front of people I know. Hell, I’ll even make fun of gay guys at work, just to make it look like I don’t like gay people! [ a beat ] But I like ’em.. I like ’em a lot! And, tonight, I plan on showing at least five of them how much I like them – if you catch my drift! [ laughs uproariously ] Right?

Cabdriver #1: Yeah. So, in summary, you’re gonna have sex with a lot of gay men tonight?

Fare #1: Exactamundo!

Cabdriver #1: I mean, what’s the harm, as long as your family never finds out about it.

Fare #1: Right-o!

Cabdriver #1: Yeah! [ stops cab ] Well, here we are at the gay bar. Oh, by the way, the conversation we just had is being videotaped for a new show on HBO. In order to air it, we need you to sign this release form. Do you mind?

Fare #1: Ohhhh, no problemo! [ signs the form ] Annnd, here we go.

Cabdriver #1: Thank you.

Fare #1: And here you are. [ hands tip over ]

Cabdriver #1: Thank you.

Fare #1: Okay, take care, fella! [ exits cab ]

Cabdriver #1: Alright! [ faces the camera, smiles ] Now, that’s what I call a Taxicab Confession!

[ sax solo sound effect, as we dissolve to exterior footage of cabs driving through the streets of New York ]

[ dissolve to Fare #2 in Cabdriver #2’s cab ]

Cabdriver #2: Good evening.

Fare #2: How are ya’?

Cabdriver #2: Not bad. How about you?

Fare #2: Not good. I have anal warts.

Cabdriver #2: Wow! Anal warts. What exactly are those?

Fare #2: In layman terms, it’s just giant warts on your anus!

Cabdriver #2: Hmm.. Boy.. where’d you get ’em?

Fare #2: I’ve always had ’em. My father had ’em, and his father had ’em. Sometimes, I wish I took after my mother No anal warts on her side of the family!

Cabdriver #2: Oh, what’s it like?

Fare #2: Well, it’s embarrassing. I mean, I work out at a gym, and I can’t take a shower there. Because I don’t want anybody to know I have anal warts! And, believe me, people would see them, because my anal warts.. are simply huge! [ looks out window ] Right here’s good.

Cabdriver #2: Alright. [ stops cab ] Okay, by the way, the conversation we just had was videotaped for a new show on HBO. In order for us to air it, you’re gonna need to sign this release form. Do you mind?

Fare #2: You betcha! [ signs form, hands a tip over ] Here you are, pal.

Cabdriver #2: Thanks a lot. Have a good one.

[ Fare #2 exits cab ]

Cabdriver #2: [ smiles at the camera ] Talk about a great Taxicab Confession!

[ sax solo sound effect, as we dissolve to exterior footage of cabs driving through the streets of New York ]

[ dissolve to big-chinned Jay Leno in Cabdriver #3’s cab ]

Cabdriver #3: Hey, uh.. [ chuckles ] You’re Jay Leno!

Jay Leno: Yeah, I am. Hey, hey, how ya’ doin’? It’s nice to meet ya’!

Cabdriver #3: So, uh, you and that Letterman guy got quite a ratings battle going on, huh?

Jay Leno: Oh, no, no, no.. it’s really not a competition, ya’ know? Dave’s show is doin’ some really funny stuff, ya’ know, we’re tryin’ to do our thing.. no competition.

Cabdriver #3: [ trying to provoke Leno ] I don’t really like that Letterman guy.. how about you? Seriously.

Jay Leno: No, Dave’s a great guy. He’s great. Dave’s a good guy. You know, he’s just doin’ his thing, I’m doin’ my thing. It’s just TV, we’re just havin’ fun. You know, it’s guys like you, workin’ hard, you know.. drivin’ cabs, you know.. guys like you, sellin’ hot dogs..

Cabdriver #3: Well, you msut have a lot of crazy fans. Anybody ever tried to stalk you?

Jay Leno: Oh, yeah! I got a guy stalking me right now. Seems like a good guy, though, you know? I mean, he’s doin’ his thing, I’m doing my thing.. ah, you know, it comes with the territory.

Cabdriver #3: Come on, Jay, is there anything bad in your life?

Jay Leno: Nope. Nope.

Cabdriver #3: Come on, Jay, get it out!

Jay Leno: No, no.. everything’s good, you know? That’s what it’s all about, you know – relaxing, having a good time, you know?

Cabdriver #3: [ abruptly ] Jay, did you ever kill anybody?

Jay Leno: Yeah. I pushed a guy in front of a subway once. Good guy, though. I still feel kind of weird about it..

Cabdriver #3: There you go, buddy! By the way, Jay, uh.. this conversation was taped for HBO. You just have to sign this so we can, uh, release this on the air.

Jay Leno: Oh, yeah, you know.. sure, sure.. terrific! Terrific! [ signs release form ]

Cabdriver #3: Beautiful.

Jay Leno: Alright, hey! Good luck with the show, huh?

Cabdriver #3: Nice to meet you.

Jay Leno: Nice to meet you!

Cabdriver #3: Good guy.

[ Leno exits the cab ]

Cabdriver #3: Now, that’s a juicy Taxicab Confession.

[ sax solo sound effect, as we dissolve to exterior footage of cabs driving through the streets of New York ]

[ dissolve to Slim Pickens and Vincent Price in Cabdriver #4’s cab ]

Cabdriver #4: [ looking in the rearview mirror ] Hey, you know who you two guys look like? [ the fares turn to look at one another ] You look like those dead guys – what were their names again?

Slim Pickens: [ in a country twang ] Slim Pickens!

Vincent Price: [ in a macabre tone ] And Vincent Price!

Cabdriver #4: Right! Are you those guys?

Vincent Price: Very much so.

Slim Pickens: Well, if I’m not Slim Pickens, then my mama done told me one whopper of a lie!

Vincent Price: [ chuckles ]

Cabdriver #4: Well, how come they said you guys were dead?

Vincent Price: Well, that’s a rather complicated tale. Let’s just say that we grew weary of life in the public eye.

Slim Pickens: We had fans over us like.. like flies on horse manure!

Vincent Price: [ chuckles ]

Cabdriver #4: And that bothered you?

Vincent Price: Oh, tremendously. That’s why we staged our own demise, to escape the madding crowd!

Slim Pickens: [ grinning ear to ear ] Would ya’ listen to this fellar, and his fifty-dollar words! Not only is he the scariest son of a gun I ever come across, but he can learn ya’ something, too!

Cabdriver #4: Yeah, well, that’s great. Well, fellas, our conversation here was just videotaped for a new show on HBO, and, in order to air it, I’m gonna need your signature here on these release forms. [ hands over release forms ]

Vincent Price: I’d.. be delighted! [ signs the form ]

Cabdriver #4: Oh, thank you.

Slim Pickens: [ happily ] Well, shoot, son, anything for the HBO! [ signs form ]

Vincent Price: Well, there you are! [ hands cabdriver a tip ]

Cabdriver #4: Thank you, Mr. Price!

Vincent Price: You’re quite welcome, young man.

Cabdriver #4: Alrighty.

[ Slim Pickens and Vincent Price exit cab ]

Cabdriver #4: Did somebody say Taxicab Confession?

[ sax solo sound effect, as we dissolve to exterior footage of cabs driving through the streets of New York ]

[ dissolve back to Fare #1 in Cabdriver #1’s cab ]

Cabdriver #1: Hey, how was the gay bar?

Fare #1: Not.. good. I met this guy, and, well, one thing led to another, and I think he gave me anal warts!

Cabdriver #1: So, uh.. are you, you know, gonna tell your family, I mean, about the anal warts?

Fare #1: I don’t think I can hide them. You see, they’re simply huge!

Cabdriver #1: Now, that was a Taxicab Confession extraordinaire!

[ dissolve to long pull from set to G.E. Smith and the SNL Band ]

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Juror #4…..Ellen Cleghorne
…..George Clooney
…..Kevin Nealon

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Thank you! Thank you very much. Oh, my God, thank you! I’m Norm MacDonald, and this is the fake news.

Well, there’s good news this week from strife-torn Ireland, where a historic peace agreement has just been signed. Gee, I wonder if anyone will celebrate by drinking?

Former Interior Secretary James Watt was indicted this week for still having a large, light bulb-shaped head.

A stock market rally pushed the Dow Jones Industrial Average past the four thousand mark for the first time ever. I have no idea what that means.

Was O.J. Simpson high on speed the night of the murders? “Absolutely not,” said Defense Attorney Johnny Cochran today, “and a simple test of any of O.J.’s blood found at the crime scene will prove it.”

And O.J. pal Al Cowlings said, this week, that, in looking for the truth in the O.J. Simpson case, he sometimes talks to a picture of Nicole Brown Simpson – something that, in the past, would have gotten him killed by O.J.

To illustrate the point that their client is running out of money to defend himself, O.J. Simpson’s lawyers said this week that, if he had to do it over again, O.J. would now rob them as well.

[ audience sounds uncomfortable over joke ]

Norm MacDonald: That one you find troubling? We went to quite a bit of trouble to get our next guest on “Weekend Update”. I’m not sure if it’s legal, but here with an insider’s view of the O.J. trial, Simpson Juror #4.

Juror #4: [ via satellite ] Hello, Norm.

Norm MacDonald: Hello, ma’am. What are your impressions of the trial so far?

Juror #4: [ confused ] About what?

Norm MacDonald: About the trial.

Juror #4: Oh, I don’t know.. I haven’t been paying much attention..

Norm MacDonald: To the trial?

Juror #4: Yeah. It was interesting for, like, the first ten minutes. But since then, it’s just been, “Blah, blah, blah..” [ sighs ] Once I thought I heard my name, and I looked up, but they were just talking about blood, or something. Oh, there’s this one guy who always pays attentions, he writes things down in his little notebooks.. but the rest of us got mad at him always shushing us, so we stole his notebooks and threw them out!

Norm MacDonald: So, what do you do while the trial is going on?

Juror #4: Oh, well.. I’ve been reading a lot of books. I read O.J.’s book – complete waste of time. I heard all that stuff, you know? And one woman, she brought in an Etch-A-Sketch, and we passed that around. And sometimes, I see high up I can count numbers in my head. That’s about it.

Norm MacDonald: Well, uh, have you come to any conclusions about whether O.J. did it?

Juror #4: Hey – that ain’t none of my business!

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, it is your business!

Juror #4: What do you mean?

Norm MacDonald: Well, you get to vote on whether O.J.’s guilty or not!

Juror #4: [ stunned ] No..

Norm MacDonald: Yeah! That’s what you’re there for!

Juror #4: Uh-oh! I guess I’d better read O.J’s book again..

Norm MacDonald: An anonymous O.J. juror, ladies and gentlemen.

If owners use replacement baseball players, hot dog vendors have vowed to go on strike. Boy, those owners are screwed now! They’ll never find other guys who can sell hot dogs! I don’t think they’ll be able to!

Doctor William A. Moffet, the world’s leading authority on the Dead Sea Scrolls, died this week at age 62. The cause of death? The Curse of theDead Sea Scrolls!

This is Colin Ferguson’s first week in prison. Ferguson has reportedly dismissed his cellmate, and from now on he will be acting as his own bitch.

New medical research shows that men and women have different food cravings, men preferring meat and women preferring sweets. Scientists trace this back to caveman days, when men had to go out and hunt for food while women sat on their fat asses eating chocolates.

Norm MacDonald: Well, last week on an episode of “Chicago Hope”, doctors used leeches to hep with the reattachment of a patient’s ear. Here with an editorial is our host, George Clooney.

George Clooney: Thank you, Norm. How low will “Chicago Hope” sink? I mean – leeches. Who writes this crap?

Norm MacDonald: George Clooney, everybody! Alright.

Washington power twosome Mary Matelin and James Carville are expecting their first baby in July. No one knows if the baby will bew a Democrat or a Republican, but doctors are sure of one thing – it will be weird looking.

The richest girl in the world, billionaire Athena Onassis, celebrated her tenth birthday this week. What it like to be the richest girl in the world. Well, to give you some idea – at the party, they had two cakes.

Norm MacDonald: Congress has been battling over budget cuts in Medicare. Now, with a report for People With No Attention Span, is “Weekend Update” correspondent Kevin Nealon. Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Norm. The battle over Medicare is not only being fought in Congress.. but in Congress, as well. [ hears the audience laugh ] Hey, hey, hey! Talk of congressional cuts in Medicare is raising concerns from both old and young people – like people the same age of Pamela Anderson of “Baywatch”. [ holds up picture of Pamela ] For osme older people, most other medical care is covered by Medicaid.. as well as by Medicaid. They’re afraid one minute they’ll have coverage, and then the next minute – BAM! – no coverage at all. Then you have the younger folks like.. well, like Pamela Anderson of “Baywatch” [ holds up picture again ] ..or, let’s say.. Pamela Anderson of “Baywatch” [ holds up second photo ] ..who paid big Medicare taxes each year. Uh.. [ camera starts to pan to the floor ] Hey! Hey, hey! Over here! [ camera returns to normal position ] And they realize that Medicare won’t be available to therm in the future. But, here’s the important point.. [ blows whistle ] ..so, please, pay attemtion. [ sticks his head in the middle of a giant picture of Pamela Anderson ] I’m talking about Medicare. Congress’ hopes for achieving a balanaced federal budget are impossible without big reductions and program such as Medicare.. and even Medicare.. and also Medicare. [ blows air horn ] My time is up. Thank you for paying attention regarding Medicare and big reductions. Back to you, Norm. Norm? Norm? Hello-o-o? [ blows air horn ]

Norm MacDonald: [ jumps out of his chair ] Oh, Jesus! Thank you, Pamela Anderson.. I mean, Kevin Nealon. Kevin Nealon, everyone.

The Mafia announced that they will drop their time-honored greeting of gently kissing each other on the cheek, this week. But, as for shooting people and stuffing them into the trunks of cars, full steamahead!

An intoxicated man was decapitated by a moving subway train, this week, after he fell off the platform while trying to show off for a woman he didn’t know. The stunt worked, and the two will be married in June.

And, finally, due to a change in policy, Amtrak employees will no longer be able to kick homeless people out of Penn Station based on the way they look. From now on, they will have to go solely on urine stench.

Norm MacDonald: Well, that’s it! Thanks, folks, see you next week!

SNL Transcripts

Zagat’s

Zagat’s

Beverly Gelfand…..Chris Farley
Hank Gelfand…..Adam Sandler

Beverly Gelfand: Hello! And welcome to “Zagat’s”! I’m Bev Gelfand, and this is my husband Hank.

Hank Gelfand: [ peeved, uninterested ] What?!

Beverly Gelfand: Hank wants to take me out to dinner tonight, and we’re very excited, Hank and I.

Hank Gelfand: No!

Beverly Gelfand: Too bad we can’t decide where to go. Do you know where you want to go, Hank?

Hank Gelfand: I don’t care!

Beverly Gelfand: Maybe we can all find a place to go in our Zagat’s New York Restaurant Guide. [ holds up the publication ] Let’s take a look together!

Hank Gelfand: Dear God, here we go.

Beverly Gelfand: [ reading ] Oh, look, there’s Courtyard Cafe on 39th Street! There’s an outdoor garden and hamburgers – it’ll be so much fun!

Hank Gelfand: I cannot hear you!

Beverly Gelfand: [ continues to read ] Here’s a place that’s called Mizakuchi – it’s Japanese! Elegant, authentic, and sushi’s superb!

Hank Gelfand: You’re talking, but no one is listening!

Beverly Gelfand: “Care for Indian Food? Try Bombay Garden. It’s cozy, inexpensive, and its Tendori Chicken is the best in town!”

Hank Gelfand: It’s as if I am in the room alone!

Beverly Gelfand: [ still reading ] “Emilio’s is the place for Italian food. Service is family-style, and you’ll just love that zesty meat sauce!”

Hank Gelfand: Somebody shoot me now!

Beverly Gelfand: “Come back to Jamaica at Pickling Parrot. There’s Jerk Chicken and other choice Caribbean fare. Hey, Mom, see you there!” [ laughs at the wit ]

Hank Gelfand: Take me God, I am ready to meet you!

Beverly Gelfand: “For tourists, corned beef at the 1st Ave. Deli is love. And don’t forget the pickle at this kosher king!”

Hank Gelfand: [ picks up a gun and holds it ] I didn’t want it to end this way!

Beverly Gelfand: “Some more salsa, Senor? At La Cantina, their zesty Margaritas and bean burritos will have you heading South of the border.” Adios, everyone! [ laughs ]

Hank Gelfand: Adios is right! [ points the gun to his head ]

Beverly Gelfand: “Pizza, you say? The California Pizza Oven has thin-crust pizzas with zillions of interesting toppings. Have fun picking up your favorite.” I know I will!

Hank Gelfand: [ shakes head, and points gun at Beverly ] Dear Lord, give me the strength!

Beverly Gelfand: “There’s chicken fat at the table at Sammie’s Romanian Steak House. Atmosphere is what you’ll get. Along with heartburn!” [ laughs ] That’s a funny one!

Hank Gelfand: [ lowers gun ]

Beverly Gelfand: “There’s French food at Cafe Paris – escargot and succulent sauces..”

Announcer: This has been “Zagat’s”, with Hank and Beverly Gelfand.

[ a shot is heard ]

Voice of Hank Gelfand: My foot!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Paul Reiser: 03/18/95

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
March 18th, 1995

Paul Reiser

Annie Lennox

None

Newt’s Half-Sister

Newt Gingrich (Chris Farley) meets with his lesbian half-sister (Mark McKinney).

Recurring Characters: Newt Gingrich.

Paul Reiser’s Monologue

Reiser assures the audience he’s not an expert on the subject of dating.

Where’s Superman?

Superman refuses to help save Earth from a meteor.

Recurring Characters: Perry White, Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen.

Road To The Final Four

Sportscasters (Reiser, Kevin Nealon) fake enthusiasm for women’s basketball.

Annie Lennox performs “No More I Love Yous”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Jeff Foxworthy (David Spade) explains “You might be a Tornado if…”

Morons Frank Dippy (Adam Sandler) & Hank Doodle (Chris Farley) offer nothing.

Recurring Characters: Jeff Foxworthy.

Sparklebrite Toothpaste

Ad campaign’s inter-racial kiss may not be to toothpaste’s advantage.

Daily Affirmation

Stuart Smalley (Al Franken) tries to counsel drunken cameraman (Chris Farley).

Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Recalling lessons in sex on the farm.

Aliens 4: Mad About You Aliens

Wise-cracking Paul Buchman’s (Reiser) alien wife births offspring.

Dating In The Nineties

Talk show panel believes Reiser to be sexually inexperienced.

Annie Lennox performs “Train In Vain”

One Brother Restaurant

Greek restaurant’s menu items take on their literal meanings.

O’Callahan & Son Pub

O’Callahan (Michael McKean) & Son (Jay Mohr) make fun of wimpy beverage choices.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
I remember one day I was at Grandpa’s farm
and I asked him about sex.
He sort of smiled and said,
“Maybe instead of telling you what sex is,
why don’t we go out to the horse pasture and I’ll show you.”
So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

Goodnights

…..Paul Reiser

Paul Reiser: Thank you, everybody, for coming. Thank you, Annie Lennox! Thank you for ocming on “Saturday Night Live”, I had a great time!

SNL Transcripts

Newt’s Half-Sister

Newt’s Half-Sister

Announcer…..Al Franken
Newt Gingrich…..Chris Farley
Reporter #1…..Kevin Nealon
Candace Gingrich…..Mark McKinney
Reporter #2…..Molly Shannon
Reporter #3…..Jay Mohr
Marta…..Ellen Cleghorne
Reporter #4…..Tim Meadows

[ open on exterior, Capitol Hill dome, with CNN logo ]

[ SUPER: “Next: Gingrich Meets With Lesbian Half-Sister” ]

Announcer: Earleir this week, House Speaker Newt Gingrich held an impromptu press conference with his lesbian half-sister, Candace Gingrich, on the Capitol’s west portico. Our C-Span cameras were there.

[ dissolve to Candace and Newt seated before the press, cameras flashing ]

Newt Gingrich: Well, it, uh.. it looks like we got a pretty good turn-out from you members of the press. All these.. TV cameras. I don’t see what the big deal is, I just wanted to see my sister while she was down here in Washington. We’re family. We may not agree on everything, but.. she’s my sister.. and I love her.

Reporter #1: Miss Gingrich? What are you doing here in Washington?

Candace Gingrich: Well, I’m part of the Lesbian and Gay Rights Task Force, and we’re here to demand legal protection against discrimination. I.. I mean, it’s time for the Republican-controlled Congress to understand: We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it!

Newt Gingrich: [ chuckles nervously ] She’s actually my half-sister, uh.. but, uh.. I love her a lot. It’s great to see you, Candace!

Reporter #2: Uh.. what else, Miss Gingrich?

Candace Gingrich: Well, we’ll be actively asking Congress to pass a Constitutional amendment to legalize same-sex marriages in all fifty states, and to appeal all anti-sodomy laws!

Newt Gingrich: [ uncomfortable ] See, we have different fathers. Uh.. same mother, but, uh.. we don’t really see each other that much. Uh.. frankly, I can’t remember the last time we.. talked. [ chuckles more nervously ]

Reporter #3: Candace, would you ever vote for your brother?

[ Newt lets out an extended, loud, nervous laugh ]

Candace Gingrich: Let’s just say that, uh.. Newtie and I, uh.. agree to disagree. Especially when it comes to teaching safe-sex techniques, right?

Newt Gingrich: [ laughs nervously, breaks into a whisper ] Please leave.. I’ll PAY you.. [ laughs again ]

Candace Gingrich: Oh, Newtie, you rascal! Oh! By the way, has everyone met my lover, Marta? [ looks offscreen, as Marta enters on Newt’s other side ] Marta! Honey! Come on, sit next to Newt, dear!

[ Marta sits down next to Newt, sandwiching him in the middle of the two lesbians ]

Newt Gingrich: How do you do, Marta? Any friend of Candace is a friend of mine! [ chuckles more nervously ]

Marta: [ raises fist in the air ] 2-4-6-8! How do you know your kids are straight!

Newt Gingrich: [ more uncomfortable ] Ohhh, boy.. look at the time. Well, I suppose that.. I got a lot of laws to pass – this whole Contract With America thing. [ uncomfortable ] Uh.. geez, it’s hot out here! [ chuckles nervously ]

Reporter #4: Candace, Marta – can we get a picture of you two kissing?

Candace Gingrich: Um.. I’m sorry, I think that would be inappropriate. But you could get a picture of both of us kissing Newt. M-marta?

Marta: Yeah.

[ they both lean in and kis Newt on his cheeks ]

Newt Gingrich: [ struggling to free himself ] Hey, hey, just a second! Get the hell off of me! “Live, from, New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

One Brother Restaurant

One Brother Restaurant

Waiter…..Paul Reiser
Businessman #1…..Michael McKean
Businessman #2…..Kevin Nealon
Businessman #3…..Mark McKinney
Nico…..Jay Mohr
Businessman #4…..Chris Farley

[ open on exterior window of the One Brother Restaurant ]

[ dissolve to interior, four businessmen sitting at a table for lunch ]

[ the Waiter, part owner of the restaurant, walks up to the table. He speaks in a heavy Greek accent. ]

Waiter: Okay, hi!

[ the businessmen ad-lib their greetings back ]

Waiter: Alright, you guys ready to order?

Businessman #1: Yeah, I think we are.

Businessman #2: Yeah, we’re just wondering why you call this restaurant One Brother.

Waiter: Because.. I have one brother.

Businessman #2: Yeah, but.. I mean, shouldn’t it be called Two Brothers, then, because there’s two of you?

Waiter: I don’t have two brothers – I have one brother.

Businessman #3: Yeah, but there’s.. two of you?

Waiter: [ not understanding ] It’s very simple. You see, I have one brother – Nico; and Nico has one brother – me. You see? So, we say.. The One Brother Restaurant. Okay! That’s what it is! [ turns to Businessman #1 ] Would you like to order?

Businessman #1: Alright. The, uh.. three bean salad.

Waiter: Yes, sir?

Businessman #1: What.. what kind of type of beans you got in there?

Waiter: Eh, lima beans.

Businessman #1: And what else?

Waiter: Just lima beans!

Businessman #1: But.. I thought it was the three bean salad?

Waiter: Uh, well, it is – you get a total – a total of three beans!

Businessman #1: Just three beans?

Waiter: Three beans!

Businessman #1: No..

Waiter: Three lima beans, yes! It says “three bean salad.” What’s the problem?

Businessman #1: No, no, no problem. What’s in the triple-decker club here?

Waiter: Triple-decker is: lettuce.. mayonnaise.. chicken.

Businessman #1: So.. what else besides the chicken?

Waiter: Lettuce.. mayonnaise.

Businessman #1: So, mayonaise counts as one deck?

Waiter: Yes. That’s the second deck. You want that?

Businessman #1: Could you add bacon to that?

Waiter: Add bacon? [ turns toward his brother sitting at the bar ] Nico?

Nico: No.

Waiter: No. It is what it is!

Businessman #1: Okay, I’m gonna need more time.

Waiter: Okay! [ turns to Businessman #4 ] What about you?

Businessman #4: Uhhh.. now, the, uh, four-cheese pizza.. that doesn’t have any of that Greek goat cheese in it, does it?

Waiter: No, no, no. It has mozzarella.. eh, romana.. mozzarella.. and, eh.. then, there’s moozarella.

Businessman #4: That’s, uh.. really only two cheeses.

Waiter: [ thinking ] No, that’s four cheese: mozzarella.. romana.. mozzarella.. there’s-a more mozzarella.

Businessman #4: Aww! Yeah! I’m an idiot!

Waiter: Okay. Four cheese?

Businessman #4: [ shakes head ] Um.. I’m not ready yet.

[ Waiter turns to Businessman #2 ]

Businessman #2: Now, I’m assuming that your double cheeseburger is just one burger patty?

Waiter: Yes! Double cheese, one burger.

Businessman #2: Does that come with any cheese?

Waiter: No cheese.

Businessman #2: Can I get cheese?

Waiter: You wanna put the cheese on the — [ turns toward his brother sitting at the bar ] Nico?

Nico: No.

Waiter: No! It is what it is! [ turns to Businessman #3 ] How about you?

Businessman #3: Now, the tuna sandwich —

Waiter: Yes?

Businessman #3: Is that with two slices of bread – one on the bottom, one on the top – with tuna in the middle?

Waiter: Of course. Why would you ask that? Yes. Yes.

Businessman #3: Then, I’ll have that.

Waiter: Alright.

[ everyone murmers “Me, too.” ]

Waiter: Okay! Alright! Four tuna sandwiches. You know, I have to charge you for six?

Businessman #1: Well, how much is that gonna cost?

Waiter: It’s the same as four – don’t worry. Okay? Four tuna sandwiches coming right up!

[ Waiter heads toward the kitchen, then stops and returns to the table ]

Waiter: Wait a sec! Wait a sec.. I just realized something! What you said before, now I see – I understand now!

Businessmen: What?

Waiter: ‘Cause, from where you are sitting – you see-a two brothers! Is Nico and me! It’s two, not one! So, we-we should call the restaurant – should be Two Brothers!

Businessmen: [ enthusiastically ] Right!

Waiter: Maybe we should do it! We should change the, the name! Nico?

Nico: No!

Waiter: It is what it is! It is.

[ Waiter exits to the kitchen, as the businessmen converse amongst themselves ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
Jeff Foxworthy … David Spade
Frank Dippy … Adam Sandler
Hank Doodle … Chris Farley

[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thanks. Thank you. Thanks. I’mNorm Macdonald and this is the fake news:

A Michigan man has been arrested for the murder of aco-worker following their joint appearance on “TheJenny Jones Show.” Jenny Jones says she’s very upsetover the incident. How upset? Find out on the next”Jenny Jones.” …

F. Lee Bailey said this week that if the defense onlyknew what Ron Goldman’s last words were, they might beable to find the real killer. You know, if you ask me,Goldman’s last words were probably, ah, “Hey, you’reO. J. Simpson!” … [cheers and applause]

And Bailey insists he’s talked to potential witnessMaximo Cordoba. “I have NOT talked to F. Lee Bailey,”says Maximo Cordoba. Who’s right and who’s wrong? Findout on the next “Cordoba.” …

Some teenagers are snorting or injecting Ritalin, adrug prescribed to treat attention deficit disorder inchildren. Drug abuse experts warn that Ritalin cancause accelerated blood pressure, along with enhancedmental alertness, a surge of energy, and an increasedsense of self-confidence. And, remember, kids: thoseare BAD things. …

[Photo of a man pointing a rifle at another man’sface] Well, tests got underway this week to see ifthose new outlawed bullets are really as dangerous aseveryone says. …

Norm MacDonald: Well, in weather news, thesouth has been hit with a record number of tornadoesthis month. Now, a lot of viewers, ah, don’tunderstand what a tornado actually is. So here toexplain is best selling author of “You May Be aRedneck,” comedian Jeff Foxworthy. Jeff?

[Cheers and applause for the mustachioed,Southern-accented deadpan comic.]

Jeff Foxworthy: Thank you Norm, thank you. Ifyou have winds swirling around you at a hundred andforty miles per hour and lawn chairs flying about, youmight be a tornado. …

If cumulus and nimbus clouds dissipate when you’rearound, there’s a good change you’re a tornado….

If you’re an extratropical funnel comprised of warm,humid air conflicting with dry air, causing acone-shaped swirling cloud that periodically touchesdown and tears a brutal path wherever it hits …there’s a chance you may be a tornado. …

If people see you and run … there’s a good argumentto be made, that you could be characterized, notunfairly, as a tornado. …

If you were in Enid, Oklahoma in February 1960 andwhen you finished your destructive rampage, twenty-sixpeople where left for dead, you may be a tornado.

If you look in the mirror and see this [holds upcartoon drawing of a tornado] … you–

Norm MacDonald: [interrupts] Hey, hey, Jeff,now, ah, those are really funny but, hey, why don’tyou give us a redneck joke, huh? Like, ah, you knowif, ah, if your family tree does not fork, you may bea redneck! One of those?

Jeff Foxworthy: Well, Norm, that was last year.Right now I’m focusing on promoting my new book, “YouMay Be a Tornado If…” Which is in its third printingand has hilarious jokes like the ones I just told youplus a whole lot more.

Norm MacDonald: Well, good luck there, Jeff.Thanks a lot for stoppin’ by.

Jeff Foxworthy: There ya go, Norm! [cheers andapplause] Thank you!

Norm MacDonald: Jeff Foxworthy!

Jeff Foxworthy: [flashes the drawing whileexiting] Tornado!

Norm MacDonald: According to a controversialnew biography, Elizabeth Taylor likes her lovemakingloud, rough, and frequent. Coincidentally, that’s alsohow she likes to eat. …

[Norm glances at headline that reads: “5th O. J. juroraxed”] Oh no! O. J. has struck again! How ’bout that?… [scattered applause] Not a good thing.

A recent study shows the number of sexually activeteenagers is leveling off at 53 per cent. And anotherstudy shows the number of teenagers who tell theirfriends that they are sexually active is holdingsteady at 100 per cent. …

[Photo of LaToya Jackson in concert] Here we seeLaToya Jackson wowing the crowds in St. Petersburg,Russia. Of course, in Russia, “wowing” means “todisappoint or disgust.” …

The state of New Hampshire is on its way to becomingthe first state to ban the use of lions, tigers,elephants, and other exotic animals in circuses.Officials also plan to change the state motto to “NewHampshire — Where the Circus Really Sucks”…

Norm MacDonald: Well, here at Weekend Update welike to hear what ordinary Americans have to say aboutworld events. So here, with a point-counterpointdiscussion, are Frank Dippy and Hank Doodle.

[Cheers and applause for two bespectacled, MiddleAmerican yokels — thin Frank Dippy, wearing cowboyhat and Western string tie, and fat Hank Doodlewearing a tasseled red Shriners’ fez.]

Norm MacDonald: Hey, how are ya, fellas?

Frank Dippy: Doin’ fine, Norman.

Hank Doodle: Let’s get it to it, Norm.

Norm MacDonald: All right, fellas, you know therules. You have ten seconds to get your point across.Now, here’s your first topic: The first hundred daysof the Republican congress drawing to a close — havethey delivered their Contract with America? FrankDippy, you have ten seconds.

Frank Dippy: [stuttering horribly] All right -ten, ten seconds, got a lot to say. One hundred days,this is going back to the, whoosh, got, it’s as simpleas – okay, Bill Clinton, got the – lemme just saythat, hala, make no mistake, ha he hem – [BUZZER] -All right, out of time, okay.

Norm MacDonald: Okay. Okay. Okay, Hank , uh,Hank Doodle, your rebuttal.

Hank Doodle: Okay. I was just talkin’ aboutthis to ah, my bleedin’ heart liberal brother. So Isits the guy down, I look him straight in the eye, andI says to him, I – I says to the guy. I says to him, Isays, I says, he’s right there, I’m right–[BUZZER]

Norm MacDonald: All right, fellas. Well, let’smove on to the next topic. It’s Oscar time. Bestpicture category, what do you think? Frank Dippy?

Frank Dippy: So many terrific, ah – Pulp Fic–Pulp Fiction got the, got the, [?], Shawshank, gotthe, but, okay one thing about the Gump, you got, who,okay, yeah. Brando – Brando did not want to show upbecause of the Indians. But, oh, I’m getting ahead ofmyself. Ah, okay, focus, gotta think here. It allcomes down to the– [BUZZER] … That did not go well,all right.

Norm MacDonald: Okay, well, Hank Doodle, thefloor is yours. Best picture?

Hank Doodle: An old school buddy of mine is,ah, in the Academy, I don’t normally do this but Icalled him up and I says to him, I, I, I says to him,I says, I says, I says, I says, I says to him, I says,put him right on the spot and I, I, I says to him, I–[BUZZER]

Norm MacDonald: All right, well, the O. J.trial — is the high-priced defense team giving O. J.his money’s worth? This is a complex issue so I’mgoing to give each of you twenty seconds. FrankDippy?

Frank Dippy: Okay, now look, ah, I’m notlookin’ to ruffle any feathers, here, it’s just, let’sstart at the top here, okay, well, Papa Gino’s givesya, ah, forget that – gettin’ sidetracked, anyway,Judge Ito is fooling himself if he thinks any–anyway, I says to the guy, I says, I says to him, Isays– Oh, that’s HIS thing. All right, okay, gottahurry, and, and, ah, here comes the buzzer, and–[BUZZER]

Norm MacDonald: Okay. Look, I think the twentysecond thing might have been a mistake, there, so, Mr.Doodle, for your rebuttal, I’m going to give you fourseconds. Go ahead.

Hank Doodle: Well, I says to him, I says, I, Isays, I says, I says– [BUZZER]

Norm MacDonald: Now, fellas, I know you’re bothhuge college basketball fans, so, in closing, whydon’t you tell us who you think’s gonna win the FinalFour?

[Dippy and Doodle simultaneously jabber away,stuttering and “I says”-ing. After a few moments, Normends the bit.]

Norm MacDonald: All right, okay, I think that’senough, Frank Dippy and Hank Doodle, everyone! [Cheersand applause as Dippy and Doodle exit jabbering, muchto Norm’s amusement] Well, um …

Newlyweds Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson had theirfirst argument this week. He wants kids, while shewants fake kids. …

[Photo of multisport athlete Michael Jordan] And,finally, well, it’s official– [cheers and applause]There ya go. Michael Jordan is leaving baseball toreturn to basketball. It is unclear whether the mediawill now refer to him by his old basketball nickname,”Air Jordan,” or his more recent baseball nickname,”Señor Crappy.” …

And that’s it. Thanks, folks! See ya next week.

[Music. Cheers and applause. With a stylish flip ofhis sheaf of papers, Norm removes his microphone,rises and exits. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts