Hugh Stockton…..Kevin Nealon Tom Manley…..Chris Farley Karen Shelton…..Roseanne John Leland…..Chris Elliot
Announcer: A message from the people at USAir.
Hugh Stockton: Hello, I’m Hugh Stockton, President of USAir. As you may have heard, USAir has suffered several crashes in the past few months. Since then, we’ve taken solid steps to reaffirm our dedication to flight safety. We call it the USAir four-Point Safety Guarantee.
Point 1: We won’t try to fly planes that are missing parts.
Point 2: No more skimping on fuel. From now on, we’ll measure the fuel, to eliminate the guess factor.
Point 3: Only qualified pilots, with real qualifications. No more imposters!
And, Point 4: Free McDonald’s Happy Meals for kids under 12. That’s a Hamburger or McNuggets, fries, a medium drink, and a surprise toy insid.
As you can see, our flight safety is really.. “taking off”. Just last weekend alone, every one of our flights landed safely. and we’re confident that next weekend.. we’ll make it two in a row. But don’t take my word for it. Let’s hear from some of our USAir’s 26,000 employees.
Tom Manley: Hi! I’m Tom Manley. And I’m a mechanic here at USAir. These planes don’t take off until I – or one of these guys – say so. And now that our contract’s been settled, you can be sure we’re working for USAir, and not against it.
Karen Shelton: Hi, I’m Karen Shelton. And, as a US-Air flight attendant, I don’t do much to help flight safety.. but, on the other hand.. I don’t do much to hurt flight safety, either. If I wanted to, like, sabotage a plane, I would have no idea how to do it, because I just don’t have the training! I guess, you could stick something in the air intakes to cut the fuel line or something, but I don’t know, I’m just talking!
John Leland: Hi. I’m John Leland, and I’m a USAir pilot. And I think I speak for practically all my colleagues when I say that I do not have a death wish. I have no strange compulsion to intentionally crash a plane. [ chuckles ] And, well, it’s a good thing, because God knows it would be easy! Easier than not crashing it, which, actually is very difficult. How can we be sure that no USAir pilot has a death wish? Well, we can’t. But, uh, if there were any who did.. they probably would have crashed their planes by now! So.. [ chuckles ] ..you think about that!
Hugh Stockton: Still worried about flying USAir? Look at it this way – the other airlines crash their share, too, believe me. Let’s face it.. air travel is just.. very, very dangerous. But, if you’re gonna take the risk, it might as well be with us. Because, at USAir, we learn something from every crash. That’s a guarantee.
[ open on Roseanne sitting in session with Psychoanalyst ]
Psychoanalyst: Alright, Roseanne, let’s work, uh, some more on your multiple personality disorder. At our lkast session, we exploited several of your multiple personalities, and I think we made some real headway. Now, I want you to just close your eyes and just relax. [ Roseanne closes her eyes ] Are you relaxed?
Roseanne: Yes, Doctor.
Psychoanalyst: Alright. Who would like to talk first?
[ Roseanne drifts into her first personality ]
Roseanne: Hello, Doctor.
Psychoanalyst: [ somewhat bored by the proceedings ] Hello. Who am I speaking to now?
Roseanne: My name is Leesha. And I love to have sex!
Psychoanalyst: [ curiosity now suddenly piqued ] Ohhh..
Roseanne: I’m kind of a whore.
Psychoanalyst: Okay, Leesha.. why don’t you tell me about yourself?
Roseanne: Well, sex liberates me, Doctor! I’ll have sex with anyone at any time! And I love to talk about sex all the time, too! I love oral sex – is that wrong, doctor?
Psychoanalyst: Well, do you feel that it’s wrong?
Roseanne: No! I love sex. Especially giving oral sex! Would you like me to tell you a story about how much I love to give oral sex?
Psychoanalyst: Well.. if you’d like.
[ without warning, Roseanne drifts into a separate personality ]
Roseanne: Hi, I’m.. Mandy! I’m six years old!
Psychoanalyst: [ startled ] Hey, hey, hey! What happened to that last woman?!
Roseanne: Tomorrow’s my birthday!
Psychoanalyst: Oh, your birthday, huh? You don’t say.. well..
Roseanne: I want a pony!
Psychoanalyst: Well, I.. I don’t know how practical that would be here in the city.. listen – uh, is that last woman around? I, uh, I think her name is.. Linda.. or something..
Roseanne: [ speaking as herself ] Mary wants to talk to you?
Psychoanalyst: Who?!
Roseanne: Mary! The lady who works in a library!
Psychoanalyst: Oh, yeah, Mary, she’s that – do I have to talk to her, I hate her.
Roseanne: [ drifts into the next personality ] Hello, Doctor.
Psychoanalyst: Oh, Mary! Hey, good to see you there, how are things at the library..?
Roseanne: Oh, I love irt at the library, everything is so orderly and quiet at the library.
Psychoanalyst: Oh, yeah, yeah.. it’s nice with the. the books there. Listen, uh, Mary, uh.. let me talk to the whore! Is she around?
Roseanne: Who?
Psychoanalyst: The whore! I think her name was.. “Leek”.. or.. “Leesi”, or something.. one of them weird names..
Roseanne: [ quickly drifts into another personality ] Hello, Doctor! I don’t think we’ve met before, my name is Brenda!
Psychoanalyst: [ now completely bored ] Oh.. hello there, Brenda..
Roseanne: I wanna kill someone!
Psychoanalyst: Oh, really..? Well, isn’t that something, huh..?
Roseanne: I want to kill Leesha!
Psychoanalyst: Well, she’d better be careful, then.. hey, hey, wait a minute! LEESHA!! That’s the WHORE!! No! you can’t kill her!
Roseanne: Why shouldn’t I?! You said she’s a whore yourself! She’s nothing but a dirty whore!
Psychoanalyst: Yeah, yeah.. but it’s not her fault, you know? It’s.. it’s society!
Roseanne: I have so much rage inside of me, I must kill someone!
Psychoanalyst: Whoa, whoa, whoa now, Brenda.. rage is something that, uh.. you have to learn to deal with, you know? [ thinking ] Hey, I’ll tell you what – why don’t you go kill that librarian! And, while you’re doing that, I’ll have a chat with our friend the whore! Try to talk some sense into her!
Roseanne: [ changes personalities once more ] Hello, Doctorrr. How have you been? It’s Margaret.
Psychoanalyst: [ ready to crawl out of his skin ] Oh, Margaret.. oh yeah, yeah.. aren’t you that old lady that’s afraid of birds, or something..?
Roseanne: Well, not all birds.. just the sparrows. I’m so afraid that they’ll try to pick my eyes out! Why am I so afraid of the sparrows..?
Psychoanalyst: [ trying to speed things along ] Well, uh, you know, at your age, you gotta be careful there.. you know, them sparrows could be pretty, uh.. Listen, Margaret, uh.. put on the whore!
Roseanne: [ changes personalities ] It’s Brenda! I just killed the whore!
Psychoanalyst: [ outraged ] You what?! You killed the what?!
Roseanne: Yeah! I killed the whore! And I feel so much stronger now!
Psychoanalyst: Well, that’s just great! I can’t believe this! I’m so angry right now! You killed the interesting personality you had in the bunch! You’re some piece of work, lady! It’s ridiculous! Ridiculous! Alright, snap out of it there, Sally! Betty! Whatever the hell your name is! Session’s over! You’re done!
Roseanne: [ coming out of it ] Oh.. well.. I feel a lot better. How did it go?
Psychoanalyst: [ feeling deflated ] Oh, it went great! Hey! I’ll tell you what – we’ll see you next week, we’ll have some great conversations about, uh.. libraries and birds!
[ open on Mike and Dennis standing at the podium presenting items from their celebrity auction ]
Mike: Welcome, everyone, to our Celebrity Memorial Auction. We’ve got some remarkable items on the block today, so let’s get right to it. First up.. Lot 1-B: Anthony Hopkins’ Oscar award. [ holds up the Award ]
Dennis: That’s right, Mike. This is a, uh.. 1991 – this is the one he won for, uh.. for “Silence of the Lambs”. How ’bout that? Something, huh? Now.. we recently acquired this when Mr. Hopkins died. So..
Bidder #1: Uh.. excuse me. Yeah. Anthony Hopkins isn’t dead.
Dennis: Uh, right.. well, actually.. he, uh.. he gave up the Oscar because he needed the money.
Bidder #2: Uhhh.. isn’t Anthony Hopkins, like, a millionaire?
Mike: Uh.. no. The bidding will start at $5,000! Do I hear $5,000?
Bidder #3: $5,000.
Mike: $5,000. I see $6,000?
Bidder #2: $6,000.
Mike: $6,000.
Bidder #4: $7,000.
Mike: Do I see 8?! No? [ a beat ] Going once.. twice.. Sold! For $7,000!
Dennis: That’s for you.
Mike: Next up.. Lot 2-B.
Dennis: Oh, yes! Now, this-
Mike: A big handful of Meryl Streep’s jewelry!
Dennis: Oh, now, this is a beautiful collection there, Mike. We’ve got, uh.. everything here. We’ve got earrings.. we’ve got pearl necklaces.. we’ve got, uh.. some silverish things here – I don’t know, I guess they’re bracelets.
Mike: This collection was very important to Meryl. She kept it hidden in a steel safe, which was built into the wall of her bedroom. The only way you could reach the safe.. was by sawing through the wall and ripping out a section of it.
Dennis: Yeah.. really tough.
Bidder #4: Um.. pardon me. Um.. why do you gentlemen have this.. stuff?
Mike: Uh.. we got it when Meryl Streep died.
Bidder #3: But Meryl Streep is not dead.
Dennis: [ quickly ] She needed the money.
Mike: Okay! Do I hear $10,000?
Bidder #3: $10,000.
Mike: Uh, do I hear-
Bidder #1: $12,000!
Mike: $12,000! Anyone for $13,000? [ no more bids ] Going once.. going twice.. sold for $12,000! Here, uh.. let me, uh.. wrap that up for you, sir.. [ puts it behind the podium instead ] Ah.. we’ll get to that later. Okay, folks.. let’s take a moment to preview some of the items that will be auctioned during our afternoon selection. Lot 4-C: Sylvester Stallone’s TV and stereo.
Dennis: That’s right. Now, this is a beauty, ladies and gentleman. The TV is a 25-incher.. the stereo has a programmable CD in it – and, look what I found today, Mike! [ opens stereo, pulls out a CD ] It’s got the new Eric Clapton CD in it! [ laughs ] Yeah, I didn’t know it had that in it! That’s something else! You’ll love it!
Mike: And, also, of course.. Lot 6-C: unopened mail addressed to Tom Selleck.
Mike: Alrighty. Next up on the block is Lot 3-B: Robert Redford’s wallet and credit cards!
Dennis: That’s right. Now, this is one of my favorites. This is, uh.. hmm.. beautiful leather. And uh.. the credit cards in here, Mr. Rdford used extensively while he was filming the feature film, uh.. “Quiz Show”. Uh.. I don’t know if any of you are familiar with that. And, please notice inside that there is a $50 bill.
Mike: So, the bidding will start at uh.. $50. Do I hear $50?
Bidder #4: $50.
Bidder #3: $75!
Bidder #1: Hey, uh.. yeah.. excuse me? Those credit cards are cancelled, right?
Mike: Uh.. I don’t believe so.. Dennis?
Dennis: Well, as of yesterday evening, they were still active!
Bidder #1: $300!
Bidder #4: Uh.. mmm.. $400.
Mike: Do I hear five? [ no more bids ] $400 once.. $400 twice.. sold, for $400!
Bidder #4: Excuse me – do you have any other celebrity wallets? Because I’d be willing to pay for a Robert De Niro.
Mike: Uhh.. I think we can do that.. Dennis?
Dennis: Ah, that shouldn’t be a problem. You come back and see me next week.
Mike: You know whose wallet is very easy to get, is Jimmy Stewart.
Dennis: Yes!
Mike: Oh. Speaking of, uh.. next week, I should mention a couple of very items we’ll be auctioning off next Thursday. There’s Lot 3-F, right here: photographs of Sigourney Weaver sleeping. [ holds up the photos ] And, uh.. here’s one of Sigourney Weaver looking very frightened and angry.
Dennis: [ looking ] Oh, yes.. ouch!
Mike: Not to mention, Lot 5-F: a blackjack once used to knock Gene Hackman unconcious. [ holds up the blackjack ]
Bidder #2: Ah.. uh.. what movie was that in?
Mike: I’m, uh.. “The Robbery”. Uh.. now, we have Lot 4-B: a grab bag of Christian Slater’s possessions. [ holds up the grab bag ]
Bidder #3: What’s in the grab bag?
Dennis: Alrighty.. let’s just take a see here.. [ spills thr contents from the grab bag ] Ah, look at that – we’ve got soem nice pewter candlesticks here.. there’s a watch.. we got a clock radio over here.. and, look at this, there’s an autographed picture to Christian from William Shatner, that says, “Warp Speed Ahead – your good friend, William Shatner.” That’s something! There you go!
[ cut to Christina Slater sitting in the crowd, the studio audience going crazy with applause ]
Christian Slater: Uh.. excuse me. How exactly did you guys get that stuff?
Mike: [ suddenly nervous ] Uh, hey.. I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do.. I’m gonna set that aside just for you, sir.. okay? No charge.
Dennis: That’s over here.
Mike: Uh.. now we come to our final lot of the morning – Lot 5-B: Grace Kelly’s burial dress.
Dennis: [ holding up the stained white dress ] There you go. Now, this was the actual dress that she was buried in. It’s very rare. Very nice, very rare.
Christian Slater: [ elated ] Aw, man, I gotta have that! $40,000!
Bride-To-Be…..Janene Garafalo Maid Of Honor…..Laura Kightlinger Friend…..Ellen Cleghorne Male Dancer…..Chris Elliot Lawyer…..Alec Baldwin Judge…..Michael McKean Groom…..Jay Mohr
[ open on a group of women surrounding the Bride-To-Be at the bridal shower. The Bride-To-Be, sitting between her tow best friends, open up a gift that’s revealed to be skimpy lingerie ]
Bride-To-Be: Aw, you guys!
Friend: Hoooo! Sexyyyy!
Bride-To-Be: [ elated ] This will come in handy on my wedding night!
Maid Of Honor: Oh, sure!
Bride-To-Be: Thank you! Thanks a lot! You guys are great!
Maid Of Honor: Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.. the night’s not over.
Bride-To-Be: [ excited by the prospect of what she hopes is coming ] What did you do?
Maid Of Honor: [ smirking ] Mmm-hmm! First of all – tomorrow, you know, you’re a married woman. But, tonight, as far as I’m concerned, you’re still.. single!
Bride-To-Be: [ laughing ] What did you guys do!
Maid Of Honor: Alright.. ladies, shall we? Let’s do it!
Friend: Wait, I gotta get the camera!
Bride-To-Be: What, what..?
Friend: [ now filming every second of the non-stop action ] Ready?
Maid Of Honor: Ready!
[ a giant cake is wheeled into the room. As The Rolling Stones’ “Start Me Up” begins to blare through the room, a male exotic dancer, balding in a hairy sort of unappealing way, pops out from the middle of the cake. ]
[ the Male Dancer begins to strut his stuff in front of the Bride-To-Be ]
Male Dancer: This is for you! Here we go! Now we’re doing it! [ begins to shake his bootie in front of the Bride-To-Be ]
Bride-To-Be: [ disgusted ] Uggghh!!
[ Make Dancer grabs a tower and grinds it across his crotch, then holds the towel to the Bride-To-Be’s face, disgusting her ]
Bride-To-Be: Euuggghh!!
Male Dancer: [ licks his fingers in what’s supposed to be a sexy move ] Oh! It’s getting hot in here. Well, let’s cool things off.. shall we..? [ he grabs a water bottle and pours the water all over his body, then collapses onto the Bride-To-Be on the couch ] Ohh.. sorry.
[ the music picks up, a faster piano beat. Male Dancer dances frantically on the floor, before squeezing next to the Bride-To-Be and the Maid of Honor sitting on the couh, and he proceeds to lick his hands in front of them ]
Bride-To-Be: Oh, that’s gross!
[ Male Dancer removes his shirt, revealing hairy patches all over his stomach and back ]
Male Dancer: Ohhh.. I’m so sorry..!
[ the music shifts to the “Alley Cat Song”, as Male Dancer begins to do a slow tap on the carpet ]
[ dissolve to footage of the Bridale Shower, as seen from the videotape being presented in a court of law ]
[ pull back to show Lawyer standing beside the TV playing this testimony, as he turns the TV off ]
Lawyer: So, Your Honor, I think the video speaks for itself. [ stands behind the Bride-To-Be and her Groom ] And not only has my client had horrible nigtmares, but on her honeymoon.. she was unable to have intercourse with her husband.. because she could not get the image of THAT MAN!! [ points to the Male Dancer ] ..out of her head!
[ cut to Male Dancer in the Witness Box with a big grin on his face ]
Judge: In all my years on the bench, I’ve never seen anything so disturbing and frightening! Judgment for the Plaintiff – in the sum of $2 million! [ slams gavel ]
Male Dancer: Oh! Thank you, Your Honor! [ blows a kiss to the judge, then looks back at the camera with a wide grin ]
[ cue music: “Mr. Bojangles”, The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band ]
[ dissolve to flashback-dream image of the Male Dancer doing his gyrations at the bridal shower ]
Jack Handey V/O: People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don’t understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blonde hair.
[ open on exterior shot, United Nations Building, with accompanying SUPER:
“Dr. Joycelyn Elders Surgeon General
Statement On Dismissal
Washington, D.C.” ]
Announcer: Next on C-Span: a statement by Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders. President Clinton dismissed Dr. Elders yesterday, after she advocated teaching masturbation in public schools.
[ dissolve to interior press room, as Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders stands before the podium ]
Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders: [ clears her throat ] First of all.. I want to thank the President.. for the opportunity I have hi-ad over the li-ast two years.. to serve the people of the United Sti-ates.. particularly, the children. And even though I will be leaving this post, I will continue to fight for the children.. and for their bi-asic, medical and sexual needs. As I have sa-aid, time and time again.. if masturbation is not taught in the home, then it must be taught in the schools! Every year.. many of our young people.. graduate from high school complete unable to masturbate! And of those who can, most are able to do so only at a fifth-grade level! And.. how many of our children must die.. in masturbation-related accidents? Because they have not been taught the proper techniques of self-gratification? This.. is a national shame!
Now.. what I am proposing.. will not cost a lot of money – pornographic films, X-rated videos, dirty magazines.. The resources and infrastructure are in pli-ace! As my last act as Surgeon General.. I have sent out two hundred and fifty million copies of this instruction pamphlet in English and Spanish.. [ holds up the pamphlet ] ..entitled “How To Masturbate”. It does not take long to read: Step 1, Step 2; then Repeat. I am not proposing that masturbation be mandatory! Wait, yes I am! In the sense that every child will have to do it. Now, how will this new policy be implemented? Some have propsed a moment of silence.. at the beginning of the school day. Those who choose to observe during the moment of silence, may observe any religion they wish, as long as they simultaneously masturbate!
[ a giant hook is stretched out behind Elders, ready to pull her away from the podium in an effort to cut her speech short ]
Now.. I would like to emphasize.. that I do not speak for the President.
[ the hook is retreated from Elders’ back, the cause for alarm no longer imminent ]
Although, on this issue, I have been assured, privately, that we are in total agreement.. [ the hook returns and pulls Elders away from the podium, as she struggles for freedom ] ..as is the First Lady, the Vice-President, the Speaker of the House.. [ pulled away once and for all ] ..Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!“
Emcee…..Mike Myers Model…..Laura Kightlinger Male Contestant…..Alec Baldwin Female Contestant…..Janene Garofalo Larry Templeton…..Chris Farley
Emcee: [ opens game show, speaking in Japanese ]
Model: [ banters with Emcee in Japanese ]
Emcee: [ introduces Male Contestant ]
Male Contestant: [ responds ]
Emcee: [ introduces Female Contestant, blows her a kiss ]
Female Contestant: [ responds, waves ]
Emcee: [ in his best English ] Mil-wau-kee.. Wis-con-sin.. Rarry Temperton.
Larry Templeton: [ confused ] I-I-I’m.. sorry.. I don’t speak Japanese.
Emcee: Larry-san! [ rambles Japanese too quick for Larry to interpret ]
Larry Templeton: I-I don’t understand.. There’s been a little mistake..
Emcee: [ continues further, telling a joke in Japanese and laughing ]
Larry Templeton: [ laughing politely ] You see, my wife Mary and I are here on vacation.. It’s a lovely country, everyone’s been great. Anyhoo, the concierge at the hotel said, “Do you wanna go to a game show?” Well..
Emcee: [ interrupts, confusing Larry fufther ]
Larry Templeton: See, I thought she meant see a game show, not be on a game show! Big mistake! Big.. mistake!
Emcee: [ reads question in Japanese ] Nana ju, hiaku, hochi juhotchi? Akira-san?
Male Contestant: Nana ju?
[ buzzer sounds ]
Emcee: Shasira-san?
Female Contestant: Hiaku?
[ buzzer sounds ]
Emcee: Larry-san?
Larry Templeton: Me? I don’t know.. I’m sorry.. Does anybody here speak English? Do you guys speak English? I..
Emcee: Larry-san: nana ju, hiaku, hochi juhotchi.
Larry Templeton: Could I pass? You know what, I pass! Uh..
Emcee: Nana ju, hiaku, hochi.. juhotchi.
Larry Templeton: H-hochi.. ju-hotchi..?
[ Larry wins Y50,000, Emcee cheers ]
Larry Templeton: [ pleased and surprised ] Really! Alright! Well! Hanuka! Hanuka! [ laughs ]
Emcee: [ reads next question ] Kagamoosha, dokie dokie, ka, Godzilla. Tick-tock tick-tock..
Larry Templeton: I-I-I’m sorry.. kas-mooch?
Emcee: Kagamoosha, dokie dokie, ka, Godzilla.
Larry Templeton: Ah. [ writes his answer ]
[ timer goes off ]
Emcee: Akira-san!
Male Contestant: Kagamoosha!
[ his answer wrong, Male Contestant places his hand on a napkin and slices it off with a knife ]
Larry Templeton: [ disturbed ] OH, MY GOD!! DO YOU SEE THAT?!!
[ Emcee laughs, moves on to Female Contestant ]
Emcee: Shasira-san!
Female Contestant: Kagamoosha?
[ her answer wrong, Female Contestant complies with game show rules and slices her hand off as well ]
Larry Templeton: GOOD LORD!! In the name of all that’s sacred!!
Emcee: Larry-san? [ reaches for answer ]
Larry Templeton: [ pulls answer away, shaking ] You know what? I shouldn’t be here..!
Emcee: Larry-san! [ grabs answer and pulls it from Larry, reading it ] Godzilla? Godzilla.
[ buzzer sounds; Larry’s answer is correct, he wins Y200,000 ]
Larry Templeton: Really! That was great, thank you very much! 200,000 Yen! how much is that in dollars? [ laughs ]
[ Larry is led to the Bonus Round, which consists of an electrical device that is attached via jumper cables to Larry’s pants ]
Larry Templeton: Hey, excuse me, I won. What the heck are you doing here? Just a second here.. [ Emcee laughs ] MOTHER OF MERCY, I DON’T SPEAK JAPANESE!! [ Emcee prepares to ask question ] MARY, CALL THE AMERICAN EMBASSY!! [ Emcee asks question ] I DON’T KNOW!!! [ Emcee prepares to pull electrical switch ] NO, WAIT!! WAIT!! I know it, I know it!! [ nervous ] Uh.. Kwa-.. ki-.. sur-.. pi-.. ne-.. ku..?
Emcee: Kwakisurpineku?
Larry Templeton: [ confident ] Yes! Kwakisurpineku! [ laughs ]
Emcee: Hunji! Does it count!
[ judges shake heads no ]
Larry Templeton: [ elated ] Kwakisurpineku! Kwakisurpineku!
[ gong sounds ]
Emcee: Ohhhh.. Kwa-ki-sur-pi-pi-ku! [ pulls electrical switch, shocking Larry ]
Larry Templeton: AAAAUUUUGGGHHHHHH!!!!
[ Emcee and Model wave goodbye as game show ends ]
Dr. Mark…..Alec Baldwin Dr. Ted…..Chris Elliot Nurse Sheila…..Janene Garafalo Dr. Doug…..Kevin Nealon Mr. Stone…..Michael McKean Wife…..Ellen Cleghorne Grandson…..Chris Farley Mr. Fletcher…..Mike Myers Mrs. Fletcher…..Laura Kightlinger
[ open on Doctors Mark and Ted and Nurse Sheila sourrounding a patient as they perform surgery ]
Announcer: Last week on “L.A. Breast & Penis”..
Nurse Sheila: Doctor, we’re losing him!
Dr. Mark: [ stern ] Bigger!
Dr. Ted: For the love of God, Mark! Those breasts are big enough!
Dr. Mark: I said bigger! Forty more cc’s of saline!
Dr. Ted: Damn it, Mark! you’re playing God!
Dr. Mark: When it comes to these women’s breasts, Ted.. I am God!
Dr. Ted: Mark, you arrogant bastard! I’m gonna have you in front of the Review Board!
Dr. Mark: You do that, Ted.. but don’t forget that seven out of the eight penises on that Board were enlarged by these hands.
[ the scene freezes ]
Announcer: This week, on “L.A. Breast & Penis”..
[ dissolve to scene in employee lounge ]
Nurse Sheila: Phew.. a little slow tonight – just a few nipple lifts.
Dr. Doug: Yeah.. that’s okay with me. I haven’t slept in three days.
[ Dr. Mark enters the employee lounge ]
Dr. Mark: Hey, Doc, how was your 8:30 penis? How did it go?
Dr. Doug: Well, it was a piece of cake. No surprises.
[ the phone rings ]
Dr. Mark: [ answers the phone ] Breast & Penis, Dr. Caldicott speaking.. What? My God! We’ll be ready! [ hangs up the phone ] Assemble al the surgical teams! There’s been a train wreck.. and they’re bringing us the survivors.
Nurse Sheila: Why us? We’re not a regular hospital.
Dr. Mark: Because we’re the closest facility, and every second counts! Let’s move it!
[ dissolve to the beginning of a long hallway, as Doctors Mark, Ted and Doug, Nurse Sheila, and countless other hospital personnel enter the hall pushing a patient on a stretcher. Throughout the credits, they re-enter the long stretch of hallway two more times, the hall seeming to be one neverending vestibule. ]
[ title card: “L.A. Breast & Penis”, flashing ]
[ SUPER: “Starring Josh Highhorn as Dr. Mark Caldicott” ]
[ SUPER: “Flippo Wood as Dr. Ted Hatcher” ]
[ SUPER: “Amber-Kelly Gable as Nurse Sheila Ten Bears” ]
[ SUPER: “And Hector Elizondo as Dr. Hector Belizondo” ]
[ Doctors Mark and Ted stop the entourage for a couple of seconds, as they argue about which directon down the hall they’re supposed to run, then continue the same way they were going ]
[ SUPER: “Created by David E. Kelley” ]
[ Dr. Mark enters the waiting room to greet Mr. Stone ]
Dr. Mark: Mr. Stone?
Mr. Stone: [ jumps up ] Yes, Doctor! My wife was in the train wreck, how is she?
Dr. Mark: Well.. I’m afraid she’s blind. I wish we could have done more, but I don’t know anything about eye surgery.. except for, you know, lid lifts and such.
Mr. Stone: [ weeping ] Oh, my God.. Janet!
Dr. Mark: I know it’s a small consolation, and nothing could ver make up for the gift of sight, but we were able to enlarge her breasts by twice their size.
Mr. Stone: [ tearful of the circumstances ] Doctor, can I see her?
Dr. Mark: Yes. But please remember that her nipples are still very sensitive.
Mr. Stone: No, I.. I just want to talk to her.
Dr. Mark: Oh. Alright. This way.
[ Dr. Ted exits into the waiting room to greet his pantient’s wife ]
Dr. Ted: Phew! That was a tough one!
Wife: Doctor.. is my husband gonna be alright??
Dr. Ted: [ with a smirk ] I think you’re gonna be very pleased!
Wife: So he’s breathing?!
Dr. Ted: Breathing? Well, I.. I couldn’t tell you anything about that.. but, uh.. he is hung like a stallion.
Wife: Oh..! Doctor..!
Dr. Ted: No no, that’s fine.. the look on your face is all the thanks I need. It’s.. it’s what I do. I make penises bigger. Come on – let’s take a look at him. Come on.
[ they exit back into the E.R. ]
[ Nurse Sheila wheels Grandma into the waiting room ]
Nurse Sheila: Here we go, Mrs. Campbell!
Grandson: [ excited ] Grandma! You’re okay!
Nurse Sheila: Now, remember – your nipples are gonna be very sensitive for a few days.
Grandma: [ breathy and chipper ] Thank you!
[ Grandson wheels his Grandma out the hospital ]
[ Dr. Mark steps into the waiting room to greet an older, worried couple – the Fletchers ]
Dr. Mark: Mr. & Mrs. Fletcher!
Mr. Fletcher: Doctor! how’s our son?
Dr. Ted: Well, you know.. when he came in, he was in pretty bad shape. But.. the only thing we could do is give him a complete sex change.
Dr. Mark: Yah, we lost the penis completely.. but we gave him a pair of lovely, enormous breasts.
Dr. Ted: Yes! He’s now the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
Mr. Fletcher: He didn’t want a sex change!! He’s married, with three kids!!
Dr. Mark: Ohh.. geez.
Dr. Ted: Well.. [ chuckles ] ..then I guess he’s gonna want this. [ hands the Fletchers a paper bag ]
[ Mr. Fletcher takes the bag, as he and Mrs. Fletcher peek inside ]
Mrs. Fletcher: Ohh!!
[ Doctors Mark and Ted walk back into the E.R. ]
Dr. Mark: Doctor.. you did some pretty good work in there.
Dr. Ted: Oh, you too, Doctor.
Dr. Mark: Hey – I’m buying.
Dr. Ted: Okay.
[ they disappear down the hall ]
[ SUPER: “Executive Producer David E. Kelly (Michelle Pfeiffer’s Husband)” ]
Announcer: Next week, on “L.A. Breast & Penis”..
[ dissolve to Doctors Mark and Ted and Nurse Sheila sourrounding a patient as they perform surgery ]
Dr. Ted: My God, Mark! What have you done?! That’s the largest penis I’ve ever seen!
Air Date:
Beastie Boys, “Sure Shot”
