Alec Baldwin: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be back here in New York, hosting “Saturday Night Live” tonight. I join the prestigious Five-Timer’s Club! [ audience applauds wildly ] I just wanted to say it’s especially great, because, after my fourth time hosting, I wasn’t sure I’d be invited back.
You see.. on that show, I appeared in a sketch called “Canteen Boy Goes Camping”. [ audience applauds wildly, remembering the sketch fondly ] In this sketch, I played Mr. Armstrong, a scout master on a camping trip, who was attempting, ultimately without success, to seduce the Canteen Boy, a shy, somewhat unhip, assisant scout master, played by Adam Sandler. Now, even though the character of Canteen Boy is a grown man, a perfectly intelligent 27-year old – nbot a child – some people got the wrong idea, and, frankly, all hell broke loose. The NBC switchboard handled over 300,000 angry phone calls that night alone, and the netowrk lost 7 affiliates as a result of the sketch; Sinead O’Conner ripped up a picture of Canteen Boy to deafening cheers at London’s Wembley Stadium; and Soldier Of Fortune magazine reported a 25% drop in the sale of canteens.
Just when things looked the bleakest, suddenly something really wonderful began to happen. People who never seem to agree on anything, came together for the first time to denounce the Canteen Boy sketch. I, personally, received a letter inviting me to burn in Hell forever – signed jointly by Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill. Yoko Ono and Paul McCartney announced they would collaborate on an anti-Canteen Boy album. While North and South Korean issued a joint communicate, calling for Adam Sandler’s excecution.
Unable to ignore this positive energy engendered by the sketch, I decided to seize the momentum myself. I am proud to announce that Adam Sandler and I will be touring the country next year, visitng schools, churches and community centers, to foster healing and tolerance. Adam, you want to come up here for a second, please?
[ Adam Sandler steps out dressed as Canteen Boy, to thunderous applause ]
Now.. now, tonigt we would like to give you a preview of a play we will be performing as a part of our multimedia program “Out of the Tent & Proud: A Politically-Correct Version of Canteen Boy.” I will be playing the part of scout master Mr. Armstrong, and Adam will be playing.. the Canteen Boy. Okay, Adam?
Adam Sandler: I’m ready, Alec!
Alec Baldwin: [ as Scout Master ] “It’s good to see you again, consenting bisexual canteenperson.”
Adam Sandler: [ as Canteen Boy ] “Likewise.”
Alec Baldwin: [ as Scout Master ] “Would you mind if I stick my hand up the front of yor shirt?”
Adam Sandler: [ as Canteen Boy ] Yes, I would. But I appreciate your asking for my consent, Mr. Armstrong.”
Alec Baldwin: [ as Scout Master ] “You’re saying no, and I hear you loud and clear, Canteen Boy.”
Adam Sandler: [ as Canteen Boy ] “Whatever.”
Alec Baldwin: [ bows ] Thank you!
Adam Sandler: [ bows ] Thank you!
Alec Baldwin: This tour is cerainly not the solution to what ails this land, but it’s a start. Also, we have a great show for you tonight.
Adam Sandler: [ as Canteen Boy ] The Beastie Boys are here.
Alec Baldwin: So stick around! We’ll be right back!
[ suddenly, Jerome lifts his hands to his face and packs a pile of vomit to the sidewalk as well ]
Police Chief: You, too, Jerome?
Jerome: No.. it’s him! Whenever I see somebody vomit, it makes me vomit!
[ a pair of Cops enter the scene ]
Cop #1: Well, well, well, well.. whatta we got here?
Cop #2: [ detects the scent of vomit in the air, laughs as the prop vomit begins to prematurely drip from the hose up his sleeve ] Oh, God..! Who puked?!
[ the two of them hold their hands to their faces, letting the prop vomit pour from the hose in their sleeves, slightly slipping on the vomit already splattered on the pavement ]
Rookie: I’m sorry, guys, I started it. I vomited when I saw the body.
Cop #1: [ confused ] Body? Wh-what body?
Rookie: This one right here. [ lifts the sheet, revealing the mutilated face ]
Cop #1: Oh, boy..
Cop #2: Oh, geez.. [ trying not to crack up ]
[ once again, the vomit begins to spill from the hose prematurely, as Sandler and Spade quickly raise their hands to their faces to save the illusion of them vomiting all over the pavement ]
Police Chief: Hey! C’mon, c’mon.. pull yourselves together here! I want this area sealed off – I want you to go get some buckets. Double time! Go, go, go! [ the two cops run off the scene ] Hey, here comes the Coroner! [ the Coroner enters the scene ] How ya’ doing, Doc?
Coroner: Alright, whatta we got here, Tom?
Police Chief: Uhh.. gunshot, Doc. Pretty bad.
Yeah, well, I’ve seen a thousand of these. [ looks at the body ] Looks pretty normal to- [ suddenly raises his own hands and vomits all over the pavement ]
Police Chief: Gee, Doc, it’s that horrible, huh?
Coroner: Oh, no.. I had some bad tuna fish for lunch, I’ve been doing this all day! [ vomits again ] Ah, it looks pretty routine! [ exits the scene ]
[ Cheryl, a pregnant cop, enters the scene ]
Pregnant Cop: Hey, guys, what’s up?
Police Chief: Cheryl, you better stay out of here – it’s pretty bloody!
Pregnant Cop: So?
Police Chief: So, you’re pregnant, you have the flu, and you’re a rookie! You’re bound to vomit!
Pregnant Cop: [ defensive ] Why don’t you just say what you’re really thinking – I’m a woman! Well, this woman cop can handle it! [ lifts the sheet to examine the body, dispensing more vomit onto the pavement ]
Rookie: Hold it in, Cheryl..
Police Chief: [ looks offscreen ] Hey, Commissioner! Over here! How ya doing, you okay?
Commissioner: Sorry, Tom, I’m a.. little nauseous. I was reading some reports in the car on the way over. I know that was a dumb thing to do, but- [ notices the body, raises his hands to his face and vomits ]
[ Police Chief’s walkie-talkie begins to buzz ]
Voice on Walkie-Talkie: Tommy? Tommy! What’s going on there?
Police Chief: We got a shotgun victim. His face is half blown off!
[ sound effect of vomiting can be heard on the walkie-talkie, perhaps the most flawless vomit of the night ]
[ cut to a Special Report, as the Reporter delivers the hot news item a few feet in front of the gruesome discovery ]
Reporter: Good evening. Police in Lower Manhatten made a gruesome discovery in an alley between Mulberry and Mott, where- [ lifts her hands to the face and vomits, unintentionally making the vomit squirt and spurt like from a garden hose ]
[ cut to a Husband and Wife watching the report on the TV in their living room. As they watch the Reporter vomit, they too begin to vomit all over their living room ]
[ camera pans left to the family’s stuffed pet dog, who begins to spit a steady streem of vomit out of his own unmoving mouth ]
[ dissolve to Red Skeffington in a private meeting with Mayor Rudolph Guiliani, as they stand in front of a color map of New York City and its surrounding buroughs ]
Red Skeffington: Alright, Mr. Mayor.. you got puke over here.. you got puke here, here, and over there. It’s all over the city, and uh.. it’s about to cross the East River and go into Queens. A lot of voters in Queens, Mr. Mayor. Let me tell oyu something about voters – they don’t like taxes, and they don’t like puke!
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Dammit, Red, I know that! Can you help us, can you clean it up?
Red Skeffington: [ chuckles ] I can clean up your little vomit problem, Mr. Mayor! But it’s gonna cost ya!
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: [ miffed ] Where’s your sense of decency? Don’t you care what happens to this city, Red?
Red Skeffington: Hey! Red Skeffington cares about nobody but Red Skeffington!
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Fine.. fine..
Red Skeffington: Yeah.
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Alright, whattaya want?
Red Skeffington: Alright! I want ten million! I want five now, and five when the vomit’s gone!
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: [ giving in ] Alright..
Red Skeffington: Alright! That’s what I want to hear! Alright, I’m gonna need ten police helicopters.. I’m gonna need 100 tons of sawdut.. I’m gonna need about two dozen pushbrooms.. and about four thousand gallons of potpourri scents. I’m gonna drop the potpourri on the city, I’m gonna let it dry, and then I’m gonna vacuum.
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: [ skeptical ] Will that work?
Red Skeffington: Oh, it’ll work, Mr. Mayor.. it’ll work, don’t you worry.. [ looks on a table and spots a tray of delicious deviled eggs ] Hey! Deviled eggs! Oh boy, these are my favorite! Mmm.. [ picks up the plate and begins to eat the eggs one by one ] But these taste odd..
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: [ looks over, suddenly realizing what Red is doing ] Oh, no! Don’t eat those! Those are left over from the Mandela reception, back in 1992! They’re not good!
Red Skeffington: [ spits the deviled eggs from his mouth, and bends over with hopes of vomiting ] Agghh.. agghh.. agghh..! [ lifts his arms to his mouth, but no vomit spews from the hose ]
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: What’s the matter?
Red Skeffington: I got dry heaves.. [ suddenly, the hose pumps the vomit out at a fast rate ] Whoa, here it comes! [ vomits all over the floor ]
[ with that, Mayor Guiliani begins to vomit as well, blowing his chunks all over Red’s backside ]
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: I’m sorry..
[ dissolve to a spinning newspaper, as it rests on a headline providing news of the vomit flood, as well as news of Red Skeffington’s death from choking on his own vomit ]
[ dissolve to Newspaper Boy cranking the wheel that makes the newspaper spin. With one look at the dizzying effect, he, too, loses control and vomits in every which direction, like a fountain out of control. ]
[ show “Rookie Cop” title card, then dissolve back to the earlier crime scene ]
Police Chief: Hey, hey, hey! What’s wrong with you, Rookie?!
Rookie: I just peed my pants!
[ as expected, the Police Chief vomits all over the Rookie Cop, to fade ]
Dad: Did you look in the basement? Did you look in the front yard?
Mom: [ disappointed at the putcome ] Ohhh..
Dad: Again? Again?! I can’t believe it! We’ve been good all year! Did you send the chekc to the United Way?
Mom: Yes, I did.
Dad: Are you sure you didn’t forget?
Mom: Carl, you were there! Don’t blame this on me!
[ the doorbell rings, Dad answers the door to find a Police Officer standing on the porch holding parts of their exterior Christmas decorations in his hands ]
Police Officer: Hi. Excuse me – are these yours?
Dad: Yes..
Police Officer: They were blowing down the street.
Dad: [ grumpy ] So they must have fallen down. Thank you.
Police Officer: That’s some display you got out front. Waht’s that white thing you got on the roof?
Dad: ..It’s a salt lick.
Mom: For the reindeer?
Police Officer: [ chuckling ] Yeah, right! [ looks at the Christmas tree bearing no presents beneath, three sad-looking children surrounding the tree ] Hey, uh.. is everytihng okay here?
Dad: Well.. they didn’t get anything for Christmas.
Mom: Yeah..
Dad: The wife and I can handle it, but it’s very hard on the kids.
Police Officer: Oh, gee, that’s terrible.. Hey, I tell you what.. [ pulls a twnety out of his wallet ] Here.
Dad: What’s this?
Police Officer: Ah, go ahead. Take it. Just ’til you get your feet back on.
Dad: [ confused ] My feet are back on. I’ve had the best year of my life.
Police Officer: [ confused as well ] Well, then.. what’s the problem?
Mom: I don’t know, Officer, we’ve been racking our brains, we can’t figure it out..
Police Officer: Hmm..
Dad: The kids have been good, they’ve been little angels all year. so have we. Mary’s even been volunteering at the children’s hospital!
Mom: And he’s been working at the soup kitchen – and look! We had a new chimney put in! It’s the biggest one they make – the kind bakeries use!
Dad: And we left cookies out.. and milk! [ points to the various pitchers of milk on the mantel ] Look – whole milk, skim milk, 2% milk, got’s milk. I mean, for God’s sake, this is moose milk! [ outraged ] What does this fat, sleigh-riding sonofabitch WANT from us?!!
Mom: [ screams in panic ] Ssshh! He can hear us! [ turns to the police officer ] Did he come to your house this year?
Police Officer: Yes.
Dad: Oh, of course he did – Officer!
Police Officer: [ more confused than ever ] Uh.. I’m not following something.. did.. did somebody steal the presents?
Dad: [ sighs his exasperation ] Haven’t you been listening? Hell-o-o-o-o??! Officer! There are no presents!
Police Officer: [ unable to comprehend this as being for real ] You didn’t buy anything?
Mom: [ confused ] Why would we buy anything?!
Police Officer: [ scratches his head ] Are you people mentally..? I mean, the thing is.. you’re supposed to buy the presents.
Dad: Ri-i-i-ight.. good plan. We buy the toys.. then Santa comes down the chimney, sees our toys, and what? He’d be furious! That’s his job! We’d never get off that damn naughty list!
Police Officer: Okay.. okay, I understand.. okay.. [ attempts to explain the reality of Christmas to these people ] There’s nooo.. you.. [ not sure where to even start ] There is no Santa Claus! Okay? That’s just something you tell the kids.
Mom: And the toys appear how? Black magic? [ laughs ] Come on! The elves make the toys, and then – poof! There they are, and you wake up!
Police Officer: Look.. you buy the presents! The parents buy the presents! Then, after the kids go to sleep, you put them around the tree, you eat the cookies and drink the milk!
Mom: But.. [ confused ] Why even bother with the cookies and milk?
Police Officer: [ clears throat ] Well, that’s part of the fun!
Mom: [ can’t believe where this nut has been ] Oh.. okay.. I see. That explains everything. Doesn’t it, darling?
Dad: Yeah, it certainly does, darling! What were we thinking!
Police Officer: [ fails to realize these people still don’t get it, that they’re just putting him on ]
Dad: Hey – how embarrassing!
Mom: Yes!
Dad: We’re certainly glad you stopped by, Offficer.
Mom: Thank you. Season’s Greetings.
Police Officer: Glad I could help. Have a Merry Christmas!
Dad: Merry Christmas.
[ they show the Police Officer out, then shut the door ]
Mom: Woo-hoo-hoo!
Dad: Our tax dollars at work.
Mom: Don’t worry – I got his badge number, I’m gonna report him. Come here, kids.
[ Mom and Dad sit on the couch, as the kids climb on their laps ]
Dad: Okay, kids. Next year begins now. Stop crying, ’cause Santa hates crying. We’ve gotta try even better!
Mom: You know what? Next year, we can leave out more cookies! And fresher milk! We’ll make bigger signs, better signs! Neon signs!
[ open on family taking a road trip to Grandma’s – Dad and Mom in the front, with an unseen number of children making various noises in the backseat ]
Dad: Hey.. hey! Quiet down back there, no roughhousing. I will stop this car!
Mom: Listen, kids.. we’re halfway to Grandma’s – only three more hours. Now, Travis, you keep your seatbelt buckled! Maryann, roll up the window, you’re letting the heat out!
Dad: What? Jason.. you just went! .. No! I’m not stopping! Just think about something else. [ an object is thrown at his head ] Alright – who threw that?! Put that down, you’ll get it back when you get to Grandma’s! Now settle down! I will stop this car! Don’t test me, I’ll pull over! [ grabs a weapon from the back seat ] Julia, give me that.
Mom: Oh..
Dad: We’ll discuss this later. Alright, let’s play a game, shall we? Who can be quiet the longest? Okay, ready? Go! [ the noises persist ] That’s it, you all lose.
Mom: Christie.. baby.. what is that? Spit it out. Give me that, is tha- Who gave the baby gum?! Ah, that’s disgusting! Ohhh.. next time, Grandma’s coming to our house.
Dad: Yeah, I hear ya.. I hear ya.. [ a hand yanks at his sweater ] Hey! Let go of my sweater! I’m driving here, let go! I will stop this car! Carl and Lisa, separate! Do you want me to stop this car?! [ blowtorch ] Turn off that assembling torch! Torch off! That is not a car toy! I mean it! Do not test me, young man!
Mom: I know.. let’s sing our Family Song. “When you’re down..”
Together: “..and troubled.. and you need a helping hand.. [ Mom reaches back to seize a bong from one of the kids ] ..and nothing, no nothing, is going right.”
[ blood ]
Mom: Ohhh!
Dad: Oh, geez! Would you.. stop! Put a tourniquet on your sister now! N-O-W – now! I’m.. I will pull over right here! I am not bluff- I am not bluffing! Do you understand? I am- [ points his finger at the kids, but it’s grabbed violently ] Please! That is my driving finger! Let go! I will stop this car!
[ suddenly, one of the kids is seen looking into the car from the other side of the windshield ]
Mom: Ohhhhh, Wesley!
Dad: Wesley, what are you doing?
Mom: Ohhhhh..
Dad: Wesley, get back in here this minute! I mean it! I will stop this car! I will- do you hear the tone in my voice?! I will stop this car!
Mom: Okay, that is why we keep our seatbelts fasten- [ shot ] Ow! Ow! Ow!
Dad: Oh, God.. alright, who shot your mother?! I won’t- I won’t be angry, I just want to know. Now, Mavis, give me the gun! Give me the gun, Mavis! Mavis, give me the gun!
[ car goes over the bridge, into the river ]
Dad: Alright, roll up the window, we don’t want a lot of water in here!
Mom: Roll it up!
Dad: Timmy, don’t put that fish in your mouth! Wesley! Get your butt in here now!
Mom: Get.. in.. the.. carrrr..!
Dad: N-O-W – I will stop this car!
[ pan back to reveal fake car prop in front of a green screen, as we fade ]
[Norm MacDonald, in suit and tie, sits at the WU desk,takes a pencil out of his jacket pocket, smiles atsomeone off camera, and removes the paper clip fromhis sheaf of papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE /NORM MacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
[Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thanks. I’m NormMacDonald and this is the fake news. …
PLO leader Yasser Arafat announced this week that hiswife is pregnant. The happy couple said they reallydon’t care if the child is a boy or girl, just as longas it hates Jews. …
The California Senate voted 38 to zero to name stateRoute 118, The Ronald Reagan Freeway. The 83-year-oldformer president joked, “People have tried to driveover me for years. This is the first time I willactually welcome it.” And then everybody enjoyed agood laugh, even though they had no idea what the hellhe was talkin’ about. …
Airline travelers’ complaints have risen 22 percentover the last year. The single most common complaintwas, “They lost my baggage,” followed closely by “Ididn’t like being in that fiery plane crash.”…
Well, more bad news for Governor-elect George Pataki.An audit reveals that, due to years of lax security,New York’s reservoirs are, quote: “Ninety percenturine.” … [one scream]
Well, you gotta hand it to Dan Quayle, huh, forfinally changing his image. You used to look at himand think: “potato spelled with an ‘e'” — now youlook at him and think: “blood clot.” …
[Image of postage stamp with photo of nuclear blast]The U.S. Postal Service this week canceled plans for astamp commemorating the bombing of Hiroshima. Theywill instead release a different stamp — here it is– [Another stamp depicting the famous 1968 photo ofSouth Vietnam’s national police commander putting agun to the head of a Vietcong prisoner on the streetsof Saigon, credited by many with helping to turn U.S.public opinion against the Vietnam War.] — that ah… Hopefully, it will — people will find it lessoffensive, that one. …
Jeffrey Dahmer’s relatives are reportedly fightingover what to do with his body. … Yeah, that’s right.[Some cheers and applause, someone yells, “Burn it!”]Yeah, well, some want to have sex with it, while therest want to put it in the fridge. So that’s, uh …[not many laughs] Should’ve stopped at the premisethat time.
[Image of the cover of Entertainment Weekly] The, uh,the cast of America’s hottest new show, ER, havelanded themselves on the cover of EntertainmentWeekly. They’re all there – the most popular bunch ofactors on TV. [Norm turns to the image] There’s thatguy and, uh, the other guy over there – there’s theblack guy there – and the frizzy haired lady – and the- there’s that blonde doctor girl over there. Therethey are – America’s hottest group of actors! …[Norm nods and grins, some cheers and applause] Therethey are.
Well, a study this week reports seafood is good foryou unless it’s fried. Yet another groundbreakingstory from the pages of the medical journal, “DUH” …[Image of the October 1994 cover of DUH which featuresa photo of a doctor and lists a few articles: EXERCISEIS GOOD, MEDICINE CAN HELP, SMOKING IS BAD, EAT RIGHTFOR BETTER HEALTH and CANCER CAN CAUSE DEATH]
A new study shows that a few simple tests may be ableto– may be able to determine which elderly driversare most likely to have accidents. Sadly, the testsall involve a lot of old people driving cars intotrees. … Kinda sad.
Scientists have created a genetically superiorChristmas tree that will be taller, stronger, andtougher than other trees. One downside, uh, if youdon’t like your presents, it will kill you. …That’s a hell of downside there!
And, ah – here’s a story. Scientists have discoveredthat rats with spinal cord injuries were able to walkagain after being treated with a combination drugtherapy. That’s good news, huh? Gettin’ all those ratsup and around again? … [scattered applause]
A new FBI study shows that, for the first time,Americans are more likely to be killed by a strangerthan a loved one or acquaintance. Their advice:introduce yourself to as many people as possible. …[scattered applause]
[Photo of a one-legged goose with a dart in its head]A one-legged goose with a dart in its head. And Icomplain about my life. You know? … It’s tougher forthe one-legged goose.
Hey, Lisa Marie Presley said that she and Michael arestill together and happy, this week. She also made arevalation that she is actually a nine-year-old boy….
[Norm gets confused over which camera to address] Isthat it? Whoop! There I am! I thought I was overthere.
A sheepdog carrying $250,000 worth of cocaine in itsstomach was found at JFK airport earlier this week. Acustoms agent got suspicious when he saw two airlineemployees taking turns sniffing the dog’s ass. …[cheers and applause]
And that’s all the news. Thanks, folks, see you later.
[Music. Cheers and applause. Pull back and fade awayas Norm shuffles his papers.]
Time Boxer Foreman is transported to 1939 to box Hitler (Mike Myers). Recurring Characters: Hitler.
Looking Good Foreman beats people up to help them look better.
Hole performs “Doll Parts”
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald Martha Stewart (Janene Garafalo) comments on Christmases past. Two Guys From A Religious Cult (David Spade, Adam Sandler) review a restaurant. Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart, Two Guys From A Religious Cult, Leader.
Matt Foley: Motivational Trainer Motivation from Matt Foley (Chris Farley) gives Foreman newfound will to hit people. Recurring Characters: Matt Foley.
Uncle Joe Uncle Joe (Foreman) is pressured to sing at wedding reception.
The Incredible Hulk Incredible Hulk (Foreman) balks at needless repetition of sketch.
A Christmas Message From the President & Mrs. Clinton
President Bill Clinton…..Michael McKean Hillary Clinton…..Janene Garafalo George Stephanapolous…..Mike Myers
[ open on exterior, The White House ]
Announcer: The following is a Christmas message from President & Mrs. Clinton.
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Hillary and President Bill Clinton seated from left-to-right onscreen behind desk ]
President Bill Clinton: Good evening! Happy Holidays, everybody.
Hillary Clinton: And Merry Christmas.
President Bill Clinton: You know, we Clintons have always seen the holidays as a middle class family time. A time when families with incomes between.. $30,000 and $65,000 get together in peace and middle class love. Now, Thursday I outlined some of my tax breaks for middle class Americans. Tonight, let’s see what Santa brought. Hillary?
Hillary Clinton: [ grabs oversized present ] Oh! It’s a big one!
President Bill Clinton: [ smiling ] Well, it sure is big! [ watches as Hillary undoes the gift wrapping from the present ] Oh! Look at that!
Hillary Clinton: An automatic garage door opener!
President Bill Clinton: [ chuckles ] That’s smething every middle class American aspires to own and enjoy! And that’s why my administration is making it possible for every household with grosse-adjusted income under $65,000.. to borrow, without penalty, up to $200 from their individual retirement accounts.. toward the purchase of this or many other fine middle class items.
Hillary Clinton: Everything from a microwave oven.. to a weedwhacker.. to a bumper pool table.
President Bill Clinton: [ chuckles ] Oh, that’s right, honey! Now.. what’s in that small one over there? [ points to a present ]
Hillary Clinton: Hmm.. [ grabs the present and shakes it ] I don’t know – it doesn’t rattle! [ tears off the wrapping ] Why.. it’s a voucher!
President Bill Clinton: [ smiling ] That’s right! It’s a governemtn voucher, worth $5 toward the purchase of a new home!
Hillary Clinton: Thank you, Santa!
President Bill Clinton: [ coy ] Well.. we’re saying it’s from Santa, but it’s relaly from me!
[ the sound of three gunshots breaks out ]
Hillary Clinton: [ worried ] Did you hear something?
President Bill Clinton: Nothing out of the ordinary! [ four more gunshots break out ] Well, what’s in America’s stocking, honey?
Hillary Clinton: [ pulls present out of a Christmas stocking ] Ohhh, my.. it’s Mighty Morphin Power Rangers!
President Bill Clinton: [ chuckling ] Your kids love them!
Hillary Clinton: And we middle class moms know they’re hard to find.
President Bill Clinton: That’s why, America, we’ve got ’em for ‘ya! We’ve been hoarding them all year! Now, when elections roll around in ’96.. remember who got your kids those Might Morphin Power Rangers!
[ George Stephanapolous enters the Oval Office ]
George Stephanapolous: Excuse me, Mr. President.. Mrs. Clinton.
President Bill Clinton: Why, George! George Stephanapolous! What is it?
Hillary Clinton: Hi.
George Stephanapolous: Well, uh.. I’ve been watching the broadcast, and uh.. I only see presents here for the middle class. [ looks straight toward the camera, obviously reading from an offscreen cue card ] And, here on the White House staff.. we.. we all know how.. crazy you are about.. the middle class. But what about the poor and the.. disadvantaged?
President Bill Clinton: [ ready to make the next part of his pitch ] Well, George, I know my critics call me the President who cares too much about the middle class. [ chuckles ] Well, let them! I’m too busy caring about the middle class to worry about my critics! you see, George, to me the middle class has always been the backbone of this country.
George Stephanapolous: [ still reading from an offscreen cue card ] I know, Mr. President. We’ve been hearing that.. every day from you since you came into office. That’s nothing new. But there is is such a thing as caring.. too much.. about the middle class.
President Bill Clinton: Well, if caring about the middle class is a disease.. then Ive got a bad case!
George Stephanapolous: Oh.. something else I meant to tell you. Another plane hit the house.
President Bill Clinton: [ quicly changing the subject ] Yeah, alright.. thanks, George. [ chuckles nervously as George exits ] We-ell.. that was embarrassing! My staff thinks I care too much about the middle class. They just have to understand where my priorities are!
[ six more gunshots are heard outside ]
Hillary Clinton: Maybe we should get downstairs..
President Bill Clinton: Good idea. But, first.. a little something I picked out special just for you. [ hands Hillary a Christmas present ]
Hillary Clinton: [ reading the card ] “To Angela.”
President Bill Clinton: Oh, I.. [ with panic in his throat ] “Live, from, New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
George Foreman: Thank you. Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much! [ audience continues to hollar their excitement ] I said “Thank you”, now stop! [ audience laughs, then applauds harder ]
Well.. I’m really happy to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”. [ waits for the audience to applaud his happiness ] You know, I had a pretty good year. Some interesting things, let’s see.. happened to me this year. Uhhh.. I celebrated my 45th birthday. [ audience applauds wildly ] And what else, uh.. [ with a mock rush of memory ] ..oh, yeah! I became Heavyweight Champion of World!! [ audience feeds Foreman the applause he craves ] Again! And.. I’ve had a.. pretty good week. These people, they have been so nice. Sure, there have been a few disagreements, but uh.. that’s only natural. [ chuckles ] Guess who won? [ audience laughs ] I’m telling you, no one in this cast can take a punch. [ audience laughs ] David Spade fights like a girl.. Chris Farley? Big guy, strong guy.. a lot of heart.. but not a genius. [ demonstrates ] “Look, Chris! Your shoe’s untied!” [ laughs, mimes how he knocked Farley out ] And Chris Elliot – every time I looked at the guy, he started crying like a baby! But I hear.. that’s the way it is with every host.
Anyway.. once everyone figured out who was boss around here, we all got along just fine. so, stick around, we got a great show! Hole is here. Don’t go away, we’ll be right back!
… Chris Elliott … George Foreman … Lorne Michaels … Chris Farley
[Outside the host’s dressing room, Chris Elliottappears and knocks on the dressing room door. He wearssneakers, jeans, and a flannel shirt over a T-shirt.Under one arm, he carries rolled-up blankets and apillow. Host George Foreman, looking dapper in suitand tie, opens the door and greets Chrischeerily.]
George Foreman: Hi, Chris!
Chris Elliott: Hi, George! How ya doin’? Mindif I come in? [Chris breezes past George and entersthe dressing room.]
George Foreman: I guess not.
[Once inside, Chris places the blankets and pillow onthe dressing room sofa and happily sits besidethem.]
Chris Elliott: Oh, boy. [points to a swivelchair opposite, pleasantly] Sit down, George. Have aseat. [George shuts the door and sits as Chris helpshimself to a tray of vegetables] Ooh, celery![chuckles, eats celery, talks with mouth full] Hey, Ijust want to say you’re doin’ a great job out there. Imean, you really are top bananas out there. You’recoconuts. You’re slingin’ the zingers six ways toSunday. [laughs] So, tip o’ the hat to you, milady.[mimes tipping a hat, laughs some more]
George Foreman: [slightly impatient] Hey,Chris, what do you want exactly?
Chris Elliott: Well – a direct question -deserves a direct answer. George — [Chris puts a handon his own chest] Chris – is sleepy.
George Foreman: Mm hm.
Chris Elliott: And, uh, this being the mostcomfortable sofa backstage, well, if you don’t mind, Ithink I’m gonna take a little — [belches] — nap.[starts taking his sneakers off]
George Foreman: Well, I guess I don’t mind. Butdon’t you have a little skit to put on outthere?
Chris Elliott: [casually] Ah, George, not me.I’m gonna leave that for the kids. You know, theFarleys and the Spades and the Piscopos. Let thosebirds fly. This little tweet-tweet wants to nest alittle while. [chuckles]
George Foreman: [mocks his chuckle with one ofhis own] Seems like a young boy like you should have alittle more energy.
Chris Elliott: You know, you’re absolutelyright. I mean, ah, sometimes I think maybe I have thatYuppie disease. [laughs] You know, I’m as lethargic asa kitty with a belly full of milk. [laughs]
George Foreman: [rises, checks his wristwatch]Uh, look, Chris, you can lie down for a while but Ibetter get over to wardrobe. [starts to exit]
Chris Elliott: [rises, pulls swivel chair tothe sofa] Oh, oh, no, no, George, George.[high-pitched giggle] It’s not quite that simple. Youcome right over here and have a little seat for asecond. [guides George to chair – George sits, Chrissits on sofa] You see, the problem is – old Chrissy,he can’t fall asleep unless somebody reads to him.[pulls a children’s book from under the blankets andoffers it to George]
George Foreman: [mild disbelief] Ohhh, come on,now. [takes book]
Chris Elliott: Oh, come on, George. Seriously.Please. I – I – Honestly, I can’t fall asleep unlesssomebody reads– My wife used to have to read to meevery night – [darkly] – before she moved away.[George smiles, chuckles, shakes his head] Please?Come on, George. It’s a short one. Please?
George Foreman: [uncertainly] Ahhh…[chuckles, reluctantly gives in]
Chris Elliott: [grins, lies down, gets underthe covers] Thank you.
George Foreman: [looks at the cover of thebook, reads the title aloud] “Goodnight Moon”
Chris Elliott: [reverts to childhood, whispersexcitedly] Read who it’s by!
George Foreman: By Margaret Wise Brown.Pictures by — Clement Hurd?
Chris Elliott: Clement? [giggles] Hesounds like a weirdo!
George Foreman: [assumes the role of parent]Come on, Chris. It’s not nice to make fun of people’snames.
Chris Elliott: Oh, I know, George. ButClement? [high-pitched British accent] Clement!Clement, come in for tea and brunch, Clement! [bobbingup and down like a little kid]
George Foreman: [like a stern parent] Allright, all right, all right! Now, settle down. [Chrissettles down and listens intently as George readsaloud from Margaret Wise Brown’s 1947 children’sclassic] “In the great green room, there was atelephone and a red balloon and a picture of–” [turnspage] “– the cow jumpin’ over the moon.”
Chris Elliott: [quietly] Let me see thepicture. [George shows him the picture, Chris staresat it intently, then very serious] Cows can’t reallyfly.
George Foreman: [sighs] Just inmake-believe.
Chris Elliott: [a little sad] I know. That’swhat my wife told me.
George Foreman: [reading aloud] “And there werethree little bears – sittin’ in chairs. [turns page]Two little kittens – and a pair of mittens.”
Chris Elliott: [repeats] Mittens. [suddenlyplayful and increasingly loud] You know what’s betterthan mittens? Plippens. You know what’s better thanplippens? Blippens! You know what’s better thanblippens? Beepens!! [bobs up and down again]
George Foreman: Come on, Chris! That’s enough,now! Are you gonna goof around or are you gonnalisten?
Chris Elliott: [tries to settle down] I’m sorry- I’m just shakin’ me sillies out!
[Quick dissolve to SNL reception desk where castmember Chris Farley stands, in suit and tie, reading acomputer printout. He snaps to attention as producerLorne Michaels suddenly enters.]
Lorne Michaels: Chris, have you seenGeorge?
Chris Farley: [reluctantly imparting bad news]I think Elliott got to him.
Chris Farley: [raises eyebrows, lowers eyes]’Fraid so.
[Quick dissolve back to dressing room where Chrislistens intently to George.]
George Foreman: [reads aloud] “Goodnightclocks. Goodnight socks.”
Chris Elliott: [quiet, thoughtful] Hey, George.Do you think they’ll ever invent a car that canfly?
George Foreman: I don’t know, Chris.
Chris Elliott: [thinking hard] Because, if theydid, then – there wouldn’t be any traffic – becausepeople would just fly over the trees.
George Foreman: I suppose you’re right aboutthat, Chris.
Lorne Michaels: [abruptly enters] George, I – Iapologize for this. Why don’t you go to wardrobenow?
George Foreman: [rises, to Chris, genuinely] Ican’t thank you enough. [heads for door, leaving thebook behind]
Chris Elliott: [as George exits] Bye, kiddo.Knock ’em dead!
Lorne Michaels: [sits in chair] Chris–
Chris Elliott: [pleasantly] Hi, Lorne.
Lorne Michaels: [trying to be reasonable] Idon’t put a lot of restrictions on the cast but I dotend to frown on nap-taking during the show.
Chris Elliott: [like a petulant child] Well,don’t yell at me. Yell at George Foreman. The wholething was his idea. The whole shebang!He’s weird!
Lorne Michaels: Chris, maybe it’d be better ifyou just – slept it off.
Chris Elliott: [patting Lorne’s knee] Well,that’s very sweet of you, Lorne, but, um, the problemis – there’s no way on God’s green Earth that I canfall asleep – unless you read to me. [solemnly handsLorne the book]
Lorne Michaels: “Goodnight Moon”?
Chris Elliott: [whispers excitedly] Read whoit’s by!
Lorne Michaels: By Margaret Wise Brown.Pictures by Clement Hurd.
Chris Elliott: Clement? [giggles]
Lorne Michaels: [wry, fatherly grin] I know.It’s weird.
Chris Elliott: It is.
[Chris, under the covers, listens intently as Lorneflips to the first page and begins to read to him.Applause. Pull back and fade away.]
… Norm MacDonaldMartha Stewart … Janene Garofalo First Guy from a Religious Cult … David Spade Second Guy from a Religious Cult … Adam Sandler Leader of the Religious Cult … ChrisFarley
[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit and brown tie, sits atthe WU desk with his well-organized sheaf of papers.Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
[Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you. Thankyou. I’m Norm MacDonald and this is the fake news. …
Early this morning in Washington, someone fired sixshots into the White House. Police have little to goon but say they’re on the lookout for a middle-agedblack woman in a Surgeon General’s uniform….
President Clinton said this week that he was willingto propose a tax cut, quote, “as long as I can pay forit.” He then looked inside his wallet and announced aplan to cut taxes by six dollars. …
French auto maker Renault confirmed this week that itplanned to cut seventeen hundred and thirty-five jobsnext year. The company said it was trying to reducestaff because, quote, “we haven’t sold a car since1978.” …
[Police sketch of the Unabomber with curly hair,hooded sweatshirt, glasses and thin mustache] The FBIreleased this sketch of the man known as the Unabomberthis week. And authorities immediately issued anarrest warrant for Weird Al Yankovic. …
O. J. Simpson’s lawyers have decided to skip hearingson DNA evidence and go right to trial. Asked why theydid this, the lawyers replied, “We want to get O. J.acquitted as speedily as possible so he can get backto doing what he does best — killing people.”…
Buffalo Bills quarterback Jim Kelly is out for theseason. His replacement, Frank Reich, said this weekthat he vowed to– uh, he vows to rally the Bills andget them into the playoffs. He further promised histeam would win the AFC Championship Game and go on tothe Super Bowl where they will be crushed.…
A California man has sued McDonald’s claiming hecontracted AIDS from one of its pork sandwiches.McDonald’s disputes his charge but the man insists,quote, “That sandwich gave me AIDS just as sure as I’ma male prostitute.” …
Norm MacDonald: Well, the holidays are justaround the corner and here with tips on how to makethis Christmas truly special is nationally-knownauthority on style Martha Stewart. Martha?
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to cool blondeMartha Stewart who wears her trademark denim workshirt.]
Martha Stewart: Thank you, Norm. Thank you. Ithink, for each of us, childhood memories of Christmasare something unique and personal. My own memoriescenter around the big Victorian home where I grew up.Early each Christmas morning, the other children and Iwould awake to the unmistakable smells of bakedcinnamon apples, mulled cider and mince puddingwafting from the kitchen. In an instant, we childrenwould come bounding down the great staircase, our armsand legs all akimbo–
Norm MacDonald: [interrupts, surprised]Akimbo? …
Martha Stewart: [to Norm] Yes. Akimbo. [Normmakes a face] … [continues] –and our childish eyesas big as saucers, eager to spy what good things KrisKringle had brought.
Norm MacDonald: [interrupts] Ho – ho – hold ona second there, Martha. Kris Kringle?!
Martha Stewart: Yes, Norm. You know, Pere Noel,Father Christmas, Good Saint Nick.
Norm MacDonald: You mean SantaClaus?
Martha Stewart: [slightly patronizing] Oh. Youcalled him Santa Claus. [Norm nods] Hm. …[continues] Anyway, it being Christmas, mater andpater had dismissed the staff–
Norm MacDonald: [interrupts] W – w – wait aminute. Mater and pater?! …
Martha Stewart: Yes. Our parents. That’s whatwe called them.
Norm MacDonald: Where did you grow up?
Martha Stewart: Norm, that doesn’t matter. Yousee, Christmas is the same throughout theworld–
Norm MacDonald: Nah, I’m just curious -where?
Martha Stewart: [reluctantly and quickly, outof the side of her mouth] New Jersey. … [hurriedlycontinues] Anyway, there we children stood, staring inawe at what we were sure was the largest Christmastree ever — festooned with candy canes, lemonsticks and rosebuds on a string. And there hanging inthe mantle of the enormous fireplace were all thechildren’s stockings, filled to overflowing withwalnuts, pecans, candied plums, dried figs and spicedoranges.
Norm MacDonald: Nowwww, where in New Jersey?…
Martha Stewart: [quietly, hesitantly, throughgritted teeth] Nutley, New Jersey.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah, I know Nutley! Yeah,yeah, that’s off Exit Seven, Route Three, off theJersey Turnpike. …
Martha Stewart: [coolly, to Norm] Yes.[continues] And then it always seemed just as we wereabout to open our gifts the neighbors would come bywassailing. “Here we come a-wassailing!” they’d shout.”Good wassail to you,” we’d reply.
Norm MacDonald: [incredulous]Wassailing?! … Never mind. Go on. …
Martha Stewart: No, Norm, I think I’d betterstop right here. You seem to think I’m making thisup.
Norm MacDonald: All right, suit yourself. But,hey, if you run into any of my friends from Jersey,uh, wassailing — you give ’em my best, huh?…
Martha Stewart: I’ll do that, Norm.
Norm MacDonald: All right. Martha Stewartthere, everybody!
[Martha lingers a moment to bask in the cheers andapplause, then exits.]
Well, the U.S. Safety Commission has issued a list ofunsafe Christmas toys. Topping the list this year:Mattel’s Gasoline-Powered Sharp Thing.…
There’s a new kitty litter on the market. It’s madefrom wheat. And its slogan is: “Kitty litter just gota whole lot tastier.” …
There’s a new twenty-four hour cable TV channel now.It’s called Fish TV. The channel shows a giantaquarium of fish twenty-four hours a day. Except fromtwo A.M. to three A.M. when it shows “The Byron AllenShow.” …
Norm MacDonald: Last week, a new restaurantcalled Le Jeu d’Homme opened here in Manhattan and nowhere with a review of that restaurant, Two Guys from aReligious Cult.
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Two Guys from aReligious Cult who wear sunglasses and leather vests.They exchange glances, face the camera, and launchinto their intense yet emotionless cultritual:]
First Guy from a Religious Cult: [quiet with adeep, gravel-throated voice] The long-dead rulers ofthe serpent kingdoms will open their maggot-encrustedeyes and emerge from their forgotten tombs at theunspeakable dawn of the sixth day to worship at thealtar of the Dark Queen.
Second Guy from a Religious Cult: [loud,high-pitched voice] YOU HAVE SEWN US INSIDE THE BELLYOF LUCIFER!!! …
First Guy from a Religious Cult: The mockinglaughter of the Betrayer reveals that the dead liveand those who think they are alive are only so in thetwisted dreams of the insane.
Second Guy from a Religious Cult: CAN’T YOUSMELL THE BREATH OF THE HELL-BEAST?! … HE WAITS FORYOU IN THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE!
Norm MacDonald: Whoa – whoa – whoa – whoa,there, Two Guys from a Religious Cult. Uh, I know youlove that whole cult thing but, uh, how ’bout that newrestaurant? Is the food good or what?
First Guy from a Religious Cult: The foul mistsof dark death will cover the stinking halls–
Second Guy from a Religious Cult: DIE, YOUFORNICATORS!
First Guy from a Religious Cult: — of theObscene Ones.
Second Guy from a Religious Cult: CRY THE TEARSOF THE DEVIL!
First Guy from a Religious Cult: And theDefilers will emerge from the cave and a succubus burnthe mark–
Second Guy from a Religious Cult: THE REAPERHAS ARRIVED!
First Guy from a Religious Cult: — cumming offthe fleshy underbellies of the chosen. As the blooddrips from the beaks of the vultures, you are least inthe innocent.
Second Guy from a Religious Cult: YOU BATHE INTHE BLOOD OF THE BLACK PIG!
First Guy from a Religious Cult: You – will -go to hell.
Second Guy from a Religious Cult: I COMMANDYOU!
Norm MacDonald: All right, all right, allright, that’s it! Look, I had a feeling this was gonnahappen, you know. I’m gonna have to go over your headsto get this restaurant review. Ladies and gentlemen,live, via satellite, from an undisclosed location inthe tri-state area, the Leader of the Religious Cult.[On the screen behind Norm, we see the large Leader ofthe Religious Cult seated on a throne, also wearingsunglasses and leather vest but with a red cloak and ahorned helmet] … So– So, Your Leadership, now, didyou enjoy dining at this restaurant? Would yourecommend it?
Leader of the Religious Cult: [demonic voice]The Unholy One is inside of me! … His ancient spiritdemands sacrifice! … [gestures grandly] Who amongthe damned will follow me to Babylon? … Who? Who?My insides are burning! …
[The Leader screams horribly and at length. Cut to theTwo Guys at the WU desk who bow rapidly up and downwhile gesticulating wildly and babblingincoherently.]
Norm MacDonald: Aw, geez! That’s enough! That’senough! That’s enough! Look! Just stop it! All thisspeakin’ in tongues and bowin’! You know, get ahold ofyourselves! We’re on television for God’s sakes.Ridiculous! For the last time, tell us about thisrestaurant!
First Guy from a Religious Cult: [quietly,reluctantly] Service was adequate. Food was a bitpricey.
Second Guy from a Religious Cult: ALFREDO SAUCEWAS A LITTLE TOO CREAMY! …
[Cut to the Leader on his throne.]
Leader of the Religious Cult: [coyly andeffeminately, like a little old lady] The peachcobbler was delightful. …
[Cut back to Norm and the Two Guys at the desk, tryingto keep straight faces.]
Norm MacDonald: Really? Okay. So, what’s youroverall recommendation, then?
[Dissolve to a graphic entitled “Restaurant Review”:FOOD and SERVICE get “thumbs up” but underneath PRICE,DECOR, HYGIENE and DRESS CODE are the words ROT INHELL and a flaming, grinning devil’s head.]
First Guy from a Religious Cult V/O: Goodneighborhood place.
Second Guy from a Religious Cult V/O: Pleasantfor families!
[Dissolve back to Norm and the Two Guys at thedesk.]
Norm MacDonald: Sounds like I’ll have to checkit out. Thanks for the report, fellas.
Second Guy from a Religious Cult: Happyholidays, everybody!
First Guy from a Religious Cult: Happyholidays!
Norm MacDonald: All right, Two Guys from aReligious Cult — and their Leader! — ladies andgentlemen!
[Cheers and applause. Second Guy waves to crowd andoffers hand to Norm who isn’t paying attention andfails to shake it. Frustrated, Second Guy slams hishand down on desk and exchanges words with First Guybefore they exit. Norm, highly amused by the wholeroutine, pauses to collect himself beforecontinuing:]
Police in Newman, Georgia discovered thirty-five bagsof cocaine in the backpack of a second-graderyesterday. Authorities say they grew suspicious whenthe boy began showing up to school in a stritch–stretch limo surrounded by gorgeous hookers….
The newest talk show, “The Charles Perez Show,”debuted this week. The show’s first topic? “Who thehell is Charles Perez?” …
This week, a Cincinnati woman with ten personalitiessued a man for sexual assault. But the suit was thrownout when two of her personalities said that she mayhave consented. You know, folks, where I come from”No, no, no, no, no, yes, yes, no, no” meansNo! … Hate to get on a soapbox but, uh,that’s where I come from.
In a survey this week, men said they preferred penissize to height. Sixty-two percent of men said they’drather be five foot two with a seven inch penis.Thirty-six percent said they’d rather be six footthree with a three inch penis. And the remaining twopercent said they’d rather be one foot four with athree hundred inch penis. … [applause]
All right, folks, merry Christmas. See you, uh, nexttime. Thanks a lot.
[Music, cheers, applause. Norm picks up and tries tostraighten his disorganized sheaf of papers as we pullback and fade out.]
Air Date:
Hole, “Doll Parts”