• 1995

    SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Overprotective Lifeguard

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts  Season 21: Episode 20 95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden Overprotective Lifeguard Man…..Will FerrellLifeguard…..Jim CarreyLap Swimmer…..Tim Meadows [ open on Man relaxing in an indoor jacuzzi, as a freaky-looking Lifeguard enters ] Lifeguard: [ standing over jacuzzi, blowing a whistle ] Norough-housing.. in the jacuzzi! Settle down, please! Man: You’re, uh.. you’re talking to me? Lifeguard: Cut the horseplay, Sir.. or I’ll be forced to eject you from the swimming facility.. thank you, so much! Man: I’m sorry.. uh.. who exactly are you? Lifeguard: [ sits atop lifeguard chair and points at “Lifeguard On Duty” sign ] Lifeguard on Duty, Sir! If you don’t mind, I have…

  • 1995

    SNL Transcripts: Jim Carrey: 05/18/96: Jim Carrey’s Monologue

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts  Season 21: Episode 20 95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden Jim Carrey’s Monologue …..Jim CarreyAudience Member…..Adam McKay Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Jim Carrey! Jim Carrey: [ moves his body like a robot, stretches his arms out toward the audience ] People of New York! I mean you no harm! Do not fear me! I come, not to destroy, but to brighten your lives through laughter and merriment! In exchange, I ask nothing more than your unconditional surrender! To “The Cable Guy”! Opening June 14th! And, perhaps, a crack at one of your freaky super models! Our worlds are similar, yet different! Where I come from, minimum…