SNL Transcripts: Mariel Hemingway: 09/30/95: Mariel Hemingway’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 1

95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler

Mariel Hemingway’s Monologue

…..Mariel Hemingway
…..David Koechner
…..Will Ferrell
…..Cheri Oteri
…..Mark McKinney
…..Jim Breuer
…..Darrell Hammond
…..Molly Shannon
…..Tim Meadows
…..Nancy Walls
…..Norm MacDonald

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Mariel Hemingway!

Mariel Hemingway: Thank you! Welcome to a brand new season of “Saturday Night Live”! There’s been a lot of changes over the summer, a lot of fresh faces for you to meet.. we’ve got a new director, new writers, a new set and a brand new cast, which I think is great! You know, I should be nervous, but my one appearance on one episode of “Roseanne” gives me more TV experience than most of the people I’m working with tonight, so hey! I’m feeling great! I’m so excited for you to meet them, so hey, let’s do it.

[ walks off the stage, past the audience to the back hallway ]

I want you to meet them as themselves, because they’re going to be playing a lot of different characters, and I know what it’s like for people to stop you on the street and treat you like the characters you play. Oh, there’s Dave Koechner and Will Ferrell. Hi, guys!

David Koechner: Hi, there!

Will Ferrell: How you doing?

Mariel Hemingway: I’m doing great! Have a great show!

David & Will: Thanks!

[ Mariel stops by the cast lockers, where Cheri Oteri and Mark McKinney stand ]

Mariel Hemingway: Cheri! Cheri Oteri. She is so funny. And look how cute she is. I just love her! [ reaches in and kisses Cheri on the lips ] Hey, have a great show! [ points behind Cheri ] There’s Mark McKinney!

[ Mariel turns down the next hallway ]

Mariel Hemingway: Come this way, this is great.. [ stops in front of Jim Breuer] Jim Breuer! He is such a great guy, so funny!

[ Mariel walks up to Darrell Hammond ]

Mariel Hemingway: Here’s Darrell Hammond, he does a great Leno! How you doing?

Darrell Hammond: Hi!

Mariel Hemingway: [ spots Molly Shannon ] Molly! Molly Shannon! Aw, what a doll you are! [ bends over and kisses Molly on the lips ] Hey, have a great show.

Molly Shannon: Thanks.

[ Mariel turns another corner, past Tim Meadows ]

Mariel Hemingway: So, come this way! Hi, Tim!

[ Mariel breezes past him ]

Mariel Hemingway: This is the Control Room! [ she enters ] This is a great place, this is where it all happens, guys. And this is Beth McCarthy, our new director. Can we talk about how cool she is? Oh, she’s great! She’s been helping me out all week.. she’s wonderful, I just love her! [ bends down to kiss Beth on the lips ] Hey, have a great show..

[ Mariel leaves the control room ]

Mariel Hemingway: Come this way, come on, keep going, we’re all excited here. This is great, it’s kind of like a maze around here..

[ Mariel reaches the Quick-Change Booth ]

Mariel Hemingway: Oh! This is where we do quick-changes.

[ Nancy Walls pokes her head out of the booth ]

Mariel Hemingway: Nancy Walls! Hey, shy girl! Oh, I just love her! [ kisses Nancy on the lips ] See you in a bit!

[ Mariel continues down the hall ]

Mariel Hemingway: Come this way.. [ walks past the back of Lorne Michaels ] Hey, Lorne – oh, Lorne, don’t forget to introduce me to your wife at the party tonight!

[ a pair of female NBC pages duck for cover as Mariel walks by ]

Mariel Hemingway: Come along.. this is Norm! [ acknowledges Norm MacDonald having his costume altered, then pinches the Costume Designer’s ass ] Bye, Norm!

[ returns to Home Base ]

Well, there you have it. The new cast of “Saturday Night Live”. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty excited! We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Blues Traveler is here, andwe’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: David Schwimmer: 10/21/95

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 3

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


October 21st, 1995

David Schwimmer

Natalie Merchant


Adam McKay

Lisa Kudrow

Jennifer Aniston

Gary Coleman

Barry Williams

Jimmie Walker

Jim Downey

Colin Quinn
ABC News Special ReportSummary: Cokie Roberts (Nancy Walls) covers the action at the Washington, D.C. frat boy march staged by Darius Rucker (Tim Meadows).

Recurring Characters: Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, Charlie Sheen.


David Schwimmer’s MonologueSummary: Lisa Kudrow, Jennifer Aniston, Gary Coleman, Barry Williams and Jimmy Walker surprise David Schwimmer by singing their respective theme songs to support for their friend’s big night hosting SNL.


Grayson Moorhead Securities ISummary: Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) outlines his investment principles, including keeping a list of how much money each client has invested and to feign listening to the client.

Recurring Characters: Arthur Grayson.


Kids vs. GrownupsSummary: Game show host (David Schwimmer) favors the adults, and that’s tough cookies for the kids.


Grayson Moorhead Securities IISummary: Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) outlines more of his investment principles, including what to do if his wife cals while he’s shagging his secretary.

Recurring Characters: Arthur Grayson.


Rita DelVecchioSummary: Italian mom Rita DelVecchio (Cheri Oteri) claims the toys thrown onto her porch by neighborhood kids as her own.

Recurring Characters: Rita DelVecchio.

Note: When Rita gets the hockey net tangled in her dress, Cheri Oteri accidentally mutters, “Look at this shit.”

Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey recalls the Thanksgiving his parents told him they couldn’t afford to buy a turkey.


The ElevatorSummary: A businessman (David Schwimmer) seeks a normal ride up the elevator, only to find that his fellow passengers exhibit odd behaviors once the doors close.


Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Jim Breuer re-enacts his recent bar fight. Indian chief John Two Eagles Flying (Will Ferrell) comments on the Cleveland Indians performance at the World Series.

Natalie Merchant performs “Wonder”Lyrics

SecretsSummary: A group of friends are dismayed to learn their buddy Pete’s (Darrell Hammond) secrets while waiting to surprise him in his apartment.

Spade in AmericaSummary: Jennifer Aniston is nonplussed by David Spade’s Hollywood Minute style jokes about “Friends.”

Slim ShannonSummary: Shannon (Nancy Walls), a slim clothing clerk, acts insensitively to her plus-sized customers.

Natalie Merchant performs “Carnival”

Triumph PerformersSummary: Their disabilities won’t stop a group of performers from being in show business.

GoodnightsSummary: David Schwimmer makes Cheri Oteri put a dollar in the Swear Jar for cursing during the Rita DelVecchio sketch.


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mariel Hemingway: 09/30/95: Nightline

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 1

95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler


Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Colin Powell…..Tim Meadows
Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald

Ted Koppel: The race for the 1996 Republican Presidential nomination is, in a word, unique. Unique in that there are, not one but, two frontrunners – one is Senator Bob Dole, who declared his candidacy on April 10th of this year, and has been leading comfortably in the polls ever since; the other frontrunner, if you will, is General Colin Powell, who, while not officially a candidate, would be leading Senator Dole by a wide margin should he ever enter the race. Both of these gentlemen join us this evening. General Powell, first of all, let me just ask you: It seems the American people would probably literally jump through hoops at this point in order to get you to be the Chief Executive Officer of the United States. Would you buy that?

Colin Powell: Well, Ted, I’m flattered by all the interest, but this whole thing has kind of fallen into my lap, and I need a little time to think it out. I mean, it’s not like I’ve been waiting my whole life to be president! [ laughs ]

Ted Koppel: Alright, fair enough, General.. but if you decide to run, what kind of candidate are you? Democratic candidate, Republican candidate, what?

Colin Powell: Well, does it matter, Ted? [ laughs ] Actually, as of late, I’ve been leaning towards running as an Independent, that way I get to skip the Primaries and go straight to being President! And then I can spend Primary Season on the beach! [ laughs ]

Ted Koppel: [ also laughing ] If in fact you do enter the race, and I do know at this point it’s only speculation, have you given any thought to the team you might select to help you run this country?

Colin Powell: Well, a little. Certainly, Bill Bradley would be a tremendous asset as either a Vice-President or a Secretary-of-State. Perhaps I could coax Mario Cuomo out of retirement to become my new Attorney General. And, with regards to Secretary of Agriculture, I think Senator Dole here would make a wonderful..

Bob Dole: [ his wounded hand snaps his pen in half ] Like hell!

Ted Koppel: Senator Dole, perhaps you have something to say?

Bob Dole: Oh, no, no.. ha ha! I just got something caught in mythroat, Ted Koppel..

Ted Koppel: General, your immense popularity persists despite, orperhaps because of, a lack of information about many of yourpositions..

Bob Dole: [ interrupting ] That’s true enough, Ted Koppel! We don’t know a lot about the General yet. He’s kind of mysterious. But that’s good – the American people love a mystery man! An anonymous drifter skulking out of the dogweed on the side of road, hitchhiking his way into Washington. Hey, sounds like a fine choice!

Ted Koppel: Senator, now let me just get this straight.. Are you saying General Powell is some kind of troubled loner, lying in wait with the intention of raping the country?

Bob Dole: Oh, no, no! I’m not saying that! You’re saying that, Ted Koppel!

Ted Koppel: I’m saying no such thing, Senator. General Powell is a war hero.

Bob Dole: Oh, he sure is, a war hero, ha ha! Of course, it’s pretty easy to be a war hero nowadays. All you have to do is sit back, playing quarters, push some buttons, drinking espresso, letting Schwartzkoff do all the work while you’re sitting on your fat ass! Back in WW2, a war hero was somebody who’d jump on a grenade, blow his damn arm nine days to Saturday!

Colin Powell: Senator, I have the utmost respect for your war record, as I think we all do. I saw quite a bit of action myself, over in Vietnam!

Bob Dole: Ha, you did a hell of a job over there, big victory for us, really kicked some ass! Ha ha ha!

Colin Powell: Now, Senator, you’re out of line! I commanded some of the finest men I’ve ever known in Vietnam, and they did a splendid, splendid job!

Bob Dole: Ah, “splendid”, “splendid”. That’s a good word!

Ted Koppel: General..

Bob Dole: “Splendid”! You know who says that word a lot? My wife, and my mother, other women! You know what I find peculiar, Ted Koppel? The General couldn’t wait to let homosexuals in the military! Ha, kind of makes a fellow wonder! Yeah, I don’t ask, you don’t tell – that suits you fine, doesn’t it, General? That works out splendidly for you!

Ted Koppel: Hang on, wait just a doggone minute, Senator.. Certainly you’re not trying to say or imply that General Powell is just some kind of homosexual?

Bob Dole: Ah, no, no! I’m not saying that, Ted Koppel – you’re saying that! I’m just trying to remind the American people where Bob Dole stands on the issues. Prayer in school – Bob Dole’s for it! A balanced budget – Bob Dole’s for it! Vaginal sex – Bob Dole’s for it!

Colin Powell: Senator, I’m happily married, and you know it!

Bob Dole: Ha ha ha! You’re happily married, that’s right! A lot of people like to drive two cars! You know what I’m talking about, Ted Koppel. The American people need to know when Bob Dole’s sitting across a table from Boris Yeltsin, there’ll be no “come hither” look in Bob Dole’s eyes, I’ll tell you that! That’s right. Bob Dole’s not gonna sell out his country for an erotic back rub from Boris Yeltsin, I’ll tell you that right now, Ted Koppel!

Ted Koppel: Senator, are you saying that a President Powell might someday link up with a Boris Yeltsin hanging over him like a shawl, reeking up the White House sheets with the smell of Vodka, sweat and cheap cigarettes?

Bob Dole: I’m not saying that, Ted Koppel! You’re saying that!

Ted Koppel: Well, gentlemen, thank you for stopping by this evening. That’s all we have time for. I’d like to thank my guests tonight – General Colin Powell and Senator Robert Dole. For all of us at ABC News, I’m Ted Koppel. ABC News, New York, good night.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mariel Hemingway: 09/30/95: O.J. Today

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 1

95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler

O.J. Today

Bill McDonald…..Will Ferrell
Johnnie Cochran…..Tim Meadows
Robert Shapiro…..David Koechner
F. Lee Bailey…..Steve Higgins
Barry Scheck…..Jim Breuer
Judge Robert Ito…..Mark McKinney

[ open on anchorman Bill McDonald ]

Bill McDonald: The defense rebuts the rebuttal. Next, on “O.J. Today.”

[ dissolve to program’s opening montage, whose anchor photo slides change with each announcement ]

Announcer: From the KTLY News Room, this is “O.J. Today.”

With O.J. Anchorpersons Bill McDonald and Casey Nagamora.

O.J. Correspondent Paul Dabney Cruz.

Fritz Connelly, with O.J. Weather.

Scott McPherrin, with O.J. Sports.

Bob Brown in the O.J. ‘Copter, with O.J. Traffic.

Britt Alexander, with O.J. Citizen of the Week.

O.J. Cooking Tips, from Mr. O.J. Food.

And Arnold Guzman, with O.J. “Shame On You.”

“O.J. Today.”

[ dissolve to a frozen package of Sara Lee Strawberry French Cheesecake ]

Brought to you by Sara Lee. Everyone love Sara Lee – regardless of how they feel about O.J.

[ dissolve back to Bill McDonald, checking his notes at the news desk ]

Now.. here’s O.J. anchorperson, Bill McDonald.

Bill McDonald: Good afternoon. It’s been a busy day in court. The trial which ended yesterday, with prosecution’s rebuttal to the defense’s closing argument, continues today after a surprise ruling, in which the defense has asked for, and been granted, a rebuttal to the rebuttal. Let’s go right to the courtroom and the rebuttal rebuttal.

[ dissolve to the courtroom, Johnnie Cochran taking the floor, prominently showing off hoop earrings and a necktie painted in African tribal colors ]

Johnnie Cochran: Now, the prosecution. Ms. Clark! They’re insulting you! They’re insulting the intelligence and credibility of this jury when they imply that we are, in some way, trying to manipulate a predominantly black jury by my wearing this African tribal tie! A tie that I just happened to pull out of my closet today! Or, for that matter, these masai earrings, which I picked up in Tanzania in 1982, during one of my pilgrimages to the brethren land! Now, that’s an insult! That’s an outrage! That’s an insult to this jury, and I am personally offended! Not only on my behalf, but also on behalf of my esteemed colleagues: Mr. Shapiro —

[ cut to Robert Shapiro, seated at the defense table wearing a mockish tribal uniform ]

— Mr. Bailey —

[ pan over to F. Lee Bailey, topless except for an African tribal collar and dangling earrings ]

— and Mr. Scheck.

[ pan over to Barry Scheck, with spotted face and hoop earring in his nose ]

Mr. Scheck, who happens to be going through a Bakwena rite of passage. In three days, he’ll be a man! And he has to be subjected to these lies! Now, that’s an outrage! But we know you are smarter than that, You’re a whole lot smarter!

Now, you know that O.J. Simpson wouldn’t try to disguise himself with a hat! For example, this hat right here. [ places an African tribal headpiece on his head ] Handpainted in the Bantu tribal pattern by Calanga! A herdsman I met while tracking wildebeest in the Savannah! Hey, Calanga, brother, if you’re watching: [ speaks Swahili and clicks his tongue five times ] Which means: “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

[ cut to a brief shot of Judge Lance Ito shaking his head in disbelief ]

Johnnie Cochran: You see, the prosecution, they’re desperate! Yeah, they’re grabbing at anything! They keep telling everyone – Ms. Clark, the press – that the defense has been playing the “race” card! The “race” card! But what you don’t hear – and I can’t believe the press hasn’t mentioned this – that, all the while, the prosecution has been playing the “evidence” card. Yeah! Oh, yeah! Day in, day out! “Your Honor, we have this ‘evidence’ that we’d like to present!” “We have a witness who will clearly explain this ‘evidence’!” Yuo follow the pattern? Evidence here, evidence there, evidence eveywhere! But that’s not what this case is about!

[ Robert Shapiro and F. Lee Bailey shake their heads in agreement ]

Johnnie Cochran: No! Mmm-mmm! No! This case is not about a man who murdered his wife and an innocent bystander! This case is about a racist cop by the name of Mark Fuhrman! Yes! It’s about a racist cop, a throw pillow, and a gray rabbit! Yes! Uh-huh! I see some curious faces! See, you don’t know about the pillow, or the rabbit, or the mysterious one-armed man! Mmm-mmm! You know why you don’t know? Because they don’t want you to! They don’t want you to know: [ speaks again in Swahili and clicks his tongue five times ]

Judge Lance Ito: Mr. Cochran, please refrain from the use of hyperbole.

Johnnie Cochran: Very well, your Honor. Now, in the next twnety minutes, you will learn – and I’m only gonna take twnety minutes, I’m not gonna drag you through the muck for two days like Ms. Clark – that’s an outrage! Now, in the next twnety minutes, you are gonna learn all about the throw pillow, and the rabbit named Cornelius – and I think you’ll be very interested by what Cornelius has to say —

Mr. Cochran! I’m going to ask you to conclude your argument immediately, and say “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

Johnnie Cochran: Judge, I am merely trying to illuminate to the jury as to the rabbit’s whereabouts!

Judge Lance Ito: Mr. Cochran, I will hold you in contempt! I am ordering you to conclude and say “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

Johnnie Cochran: Judge, this is an outrage!

Judge Lance Ito: [ getting serious ] I will turn off the camera.

Johnnie Cochran: [ momentarily speechless ] Uh.. may I confer with counsel?

[ Shapiro, Bailey and Scheck gather around Johnnie Cochran, as they whisper inaudibly to one another, until Cochran finally re-addresses the courtroom ]

Johnnie Cochran: I’ll have to ask everyone to try to remain calm, but, “Live, from New York, it is Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mariel Hemingway: 09/30/95: The Telephone

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 1

95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler

The Telephone

Wife…..Mariel Hemingway
Paul…..Will Ferrell
Psychiatrist…..Mark McKinney


[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ A young WIFE stands at the counter on the phone. ]

Wife: Really? What did you say? No kidding.

[ Her husband, PAUL, comes in. She mimics an ever chattering mouth with her hand. ]

Paul: Do you need help getting off the phone?

[ She gives Paul thumbs up. ]


[ She hangs up the phone. ]

Wife: Oh my God! Paul, what are you doing?

Paul: Did you not want me to get you off the phone?

Wife: Yes I did. But why would you say a thing like that? I better call her back. I can’t imagine what she’d be thinking!

[ Paul exits. ] [ EXT. HOUSE – DAY ] [ SUPER: ONE HOUR LATER ] [ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ The wife stands over the counter while on the phone bored. Paul rummages through the refrigerator. ]

Wife: Then what happened? Oh, you don’t say? Yeah.

[ She taps on Paul’s back. She mouths “help”. ]


[ She hangs up the phone hard. Her jaw’s wide open. ]

Paul: Did I mess up again, honey?

[ EXT. HOUSE – DAY ] [ SUPER: THE NEXT DAY ] [ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ The wife is slumped over the counter while on the phone bored. ]

Wife: Yeah, you’re right. Ah, it’s so rude. Uh-huh.

[ Paul creeps in. ]

Paul: Do you need help getting off the phone?

[ She shakes her head and mouths “no.” ]

Paul: You sure?

[ She shakes her head and mouths “no.” ]

Paul: Please!? Please!?!?

[ She sighs and then slightly nods her head and straightens her posture. ]


[ She hangs up the phone hard. Her jaw’s wide open. ] [ EXT. PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL – DAY ] [ INT. WAITING ROOM – DAY ] [ A PSYCHIATRIST rushes in. Paul’s wife gets up. ]

Psychiatrist: Oh, hi! Uh, look, good news is, we’ve done all the tests, and uh, your husband’s not retarded.

[ She sighs. ]

Psychiatrist: He’s just having a hard time coming up for excuses to get you off the phone. But still, we’d like to keep him here for a couple of months. Just to be on the safe side!

Wife: Whatever you think is best, Doctor.

Psychiatrist: Okay.

Wife: Okay.

[ EXT. HOUSE – DAY ] [ SUPER: TWO MONTHS LATER ] [ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ The wife stands at the counter on the phone. ]

Wife: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

[ Paul comes in. ]

Paul: Honey, I need to use the phone.

Wife: Okay honey. [to phone ] Carol, Paul needs to use the phone. It was good talking to you, too. Goodbye.

[ She hangs up the phone.]

Wife: Paul! That was absolutely perfect! Terrific!!

Paul: Thank you! You know what else is terrific?

Wife: What?

Paul: I killed the dog.

[ Paul holds up the corpse of a lifeless brown Labrador. His wife screams. ]


Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mariel Hemingway: 09/30/95: “Get Off the Shed!”

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 1

95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler

“Get Off the Shed!”

Frank Henderson…..Will Ferrell
Tom Taylor…..David Koechner
Susan Taylor…..Nancy Walls
Shirley Henderson…..Mariel Hemingway

[ open on exterior, suburban home ] [ dissolve to back yard, Frank Henderson working the grill as Tom and Susan Taylor approach him ]

Frank Henderson: Hey, there! How you doing?

Tom Taylor: Hi, you must be Frank Henderson!

Frank Henderson: I sure am! I don’t know that we’ve met before?

Tom Taylor: I’m Tom Taylor. I’m Tom’s brother. This is my wife, Susan.

Frank Henderson: Oh, that’s right, the Taylors! I guess someone forgot to take their Stupid Pills this morning! [ they all laugh politely ] Hey, honey, the Taylors are here, we can start the party!

Susan Taylor: Oh, that’s sweet. Hey, is John here yet?

Frank Henderson: Well, speak of the Devil – your brother just called, and he and Sally are stuck in traffic. So, he’ll be about a half-hour late. [ looking offscreen ] Hey, Brandon? Michael? I need you guys to do me a favor and get off the shed. Need you to be a buddy and get off the shed. Okay? Thanks. [ back to his guests ] I hope you two are hungry, we’ve got a ton of food here.

Tom Taylor: I am absolutely famished. We just finished 28th and Pebblebrook, and I tell you, I could eat a cow! Mmm mmm!

Shirley Henderson: [ joining the party ] Would you like some potato salad with that cow of yours? [ everyone laughs ] Hi, I’m Shirley.

Tom Taylor: Hi, I’m Tom Taylor. This is my wife, Susan.

Susan Taylor: Thank you so much for having us over!

Frank Henderson: Well, we’ve heard so much about you two.. [ looking offscreen ] Hey, guys? I mean it. Let’s get off the shed.

Shirley Henderson: Can I get you a glass of Chardonney?

Tom Taylor: Oh.. yeah!

Susan Taylor: That would be lovely!

Shirley Henderson: Okay, you just make yourselves comfortable, and I’ll be right back. [ exits the patio ]

Frank Henderson: You know, you and Susan should really join us for a round of golf sometime.

Tom Taylor: You know what? We’re just nuts about the game, we’d love to. But I gotta warn you – Susan’s a scratch golfer.

Susan Taylor: [ laughing ] Well, you know, I’ve been playing forever. Actually, this is a cute story – we met on a golf course in Scotland..

Frank Henderson: [ yelling offscreen ] Get off the shed! [ back to his guests ] How about next Sunday? Pebblebrook? Twelve o’clock tee-off time, what do you say?

Tom Taylor: [ slightly stunned ] Sounds good.

Susan Taylor: Yeah.. uh.. maybe we can get John and Sally out to the game.

Frank Henderson: Oh, boy, I don’t know about John. I mean, he’s a great guy and everything.. but as far as golf goes, let’s just say he’s spent a little too much money on those clubs of his. [ turning offscreen ] Get off the damn shed! [ returning to his guests ] I just bought a new McGregor 3 Wood, and I’ll tell you, that thing is smooth! Drives just like a Cadillac.

Shirley Henderson: [ rejoining the party ] Believe me, I’d rather drive the Cadillac! [ everyone laughs ]

Tom Taylor: Uh.. great landscaping job, did you do that yourself?

Frank Henderson: You bet. [ turning offscreen again ] Hey! There’s gonna be a meeting between your ass and the palm of my hand, if you don’t get off the shed! Now, GET OFF THE SHED!! [ turning to his guests ] What do you think of the fountain? Do you like that?

[ the Taylors are aghast at Frank’s behavior toward his children ]

Susan Taylor: Oh.. it’s a great fountain..

Tom Taylor: Yeah, it’s a dandy..

Susan Taylor: Love it..

Tom Taylor: Whoo.. what time did you say that John was gonna drop by..?

Shirley Henderson: Oh gosh, I forgot to tell you – that he called and said that he can’t come, and to just go ahead and eat, but he’ll be here for dessert and coffee.

Frank Henderson: Why didn’t he just say he doesn’t like my burgers? [ faces offscreen again ] I will punch you in the face if you don’t get off the shed! Now, get off the shed! GET OFF THE SHED!! GET OFF THE DAMN SHED!!

Shirley Henderson: Hey, honey, those look about done..

Frank Henderson: They sure do.. Chow-time just moments away!

Susan Taylor: [ struggling to leave the scene ] You know what? I.. I am not feeling well.. uh.. we might need to take a raincheck..

Shirley Henderson: Oh, you just need your drinks freshened. [ grabs their glasses ] I’ll be right back. [ exits the patio ]

Frank Henderson: Okay, the burger train just pulled into bun station. Look at these babies.. [ glances offscreen, hands his spatula to Tom ] Excuse me, can you hold onto that for a second? [ yelling offscreen ] Okay.. so you’ve been showing off for the Taylors, huh? Well, I’m gonna put on a little show of my own! I’m gonna give you the beating of a lifetime in front of these people! Are you happy now? [ stomps offstage ]

The Taylors: [ yelling fearfully ] Get off the shed! Please get off the shed! Please!

Frank Henderson: [ returning ] They got off the shed! Thank you, I appreciate that..

[ Tom and Susan sigh, relieved that the boys were not beaten by their father ]

Shirley Henderson: [ hands everyone their burgers ] Here you go..

Susan Taylor: Thank you.

Shirley Henderson: [ glances offscreen ] Hey, Brandon? Michael? I need you to do me a favor and get out of the fountain. I need you to be a buddy and get out of the fountain..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live: 1995-1996

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: 1995-1996

This free script provided by]]>


  • Jim Breuer
  • Will Ferrell
  • Darrell Hammond
  • David Koechner
  • Norm MacDonald
  • Mark McKinney
  • Tim Meadows
  • Cheri Oteri
  • Molly Shannon
  • David Spade
  • Nancy Walls
  • Featuring:

  • Chris Kattan (first: 03/16/96)
  • Colin Quinn
  • Fred Wolf
  • Episodes

  • 09/30/95: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler
  • 10/07/95: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories
  • 10/21/95: David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant
  • 10/28/95: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morissette
  • 11/11/95: Quentin Tarantino / The Smashing Pumpkins
  • 11/18/95: Laura Leighton / Rancid
  • 12/02/95: Anthony Edwards / Foo Fighters
  • 12/09/95: David Alan Grier / Silverchair
  • 12/16/95: Madeline Kahn / Bush
  • 01/13/96: Christopher Walken / Joan Osborne
  • 01/20/96: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos
  • 02/10/96: Danny Aiello / Coolio
  • 02/17/96: Tom Arnold / Tupac Shakur
  • 02/24/96: Elle MacPherson / Sting
  • 03/16/96: John Goodman / Everclear
  • 03/23/96: Phil Hartman / Gin Blossoms
  • 04/13/96: Steve Forbes / Rage Against The Machine
  • 04/20/96: Teri Hatcher / Dave Matthews Band
  • 05/11/96: Christine Baranski / The Cure
  • 05/18/96: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden
  • SummaryAfter 20 years of laughs, SNL seemed on hard times, having fallen into the trap of predictable and uninspired comedy. Producer Lorne Michaels was left with no choice but to rebuild his cast – something he hadn’t done for almost ten seasons, but needed to do fast.

    Of the 1994 cast, Kevin Nealon finally retired after nine seasons, while cast members Adam Sandler and Chris Farley were released of their contracts and allowed to venture to Hollywood to produce and star in overhyped movie vehicles. Lorne even fired the much underused Tim Meadows, but decided to rehire him at the last minute in order to balance the cast. A lucky move for Meadows, who finally started appearing in more sketches this era than he did the last.

    Holding on to Tim Meadows and three other cast members (Norm MacDonald, Mark McKinney and David Spade), as well as one promising featured player (Molly Shannon), Lorne brought in six new performers (Jim Breuer, Will Ferrell, Darrell Hammond, David Koechner, Cheri Oteri and Nancy Walls) who would bring unpredictable comedy back to the show. This season’s “Wake Up & Smile” sketch is perhaps the greatest evidence of that claim.

    They take a little getting used to, but this group proved to be the start of a new direction for SNL.

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Mariel Hemingway: 09/30/95

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 21: Episode 1

    This free script provided by]]>

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:


    Bit Players:

    September 30th, 1995

    Mariel Hemingway

    Blues Traveler


    Beth McCarthy-Miller

    Lorne Michaels

    Steve Higgins

    Adam McKay
    O.J. TodaySummary: Bill McDonald (Will Ferrell) and the O.J. coverage gang segue to footage of Johnnie Cochran (Tim Meadows) dissuading use of the “evidence card” during the O.J. Simpson trial.

    Recurring Characters: Bill McDonald, Johnnie Cochran, Robert Shapiro, F. Lee Bailey, Barry Scheck, Judge Lance Ito.


    MontageNote: Prince (during the time he changed his name to a symbol) was scheduled as musical guest, but he backed out at the last minute.

    Mariel Hemingway’s MonologueSummary: Mariel Hemingway introduces viewers to the new cast of “Saturday Night Live”, focusing her attention on all the women and planting them with kisses.


    A.M. AleSummary: Why wait until the afternoon, when you start your morning off right.


    Get Off The Shed!Summary: Dad Frank Henderson (Will Ferrell) threatens kids during backyard barbecue.

    Recurring Characters: Frank Henderson


    NightlineSummary: Colin Powell (Tim Meadows) gloats over Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) during “Nightline” interview with Ted Koppell (Darrell Hammond).

    Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Bob Dole.


    Leg Up!Summary: Elizabeth Berkeley (Hemingway) shocks hosts Ann Miller (Molly Shannon) and Debby Reynolds (Cheri Oteri) with a pole dance demonstration.

    Recurring Characters: Debbie Reynolds, Ann Miller.


    Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Nancy Walls reads a handful of news stories that elicit sad head-shaking from herself and Norm MacDonald.

    Blues Traveler performs “Run-Around”

    The TelephoneSummary: A housewife (Mariel Hemingway) asks her husband (Will Ferrell) to help get her off the phone with talkative relatives, but his attempts border more on creepy and disturbing than helpful.


    Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade makes snide comments about the Unabomber and no-show musical guest, Prince.

    A&E BiographySummary: Host Jack Perkins (Darrell Hammond) offers the biography of Mariel Hemingway, who won her “Central Park West” role in favor of an acting quartet.

    Recurring Characters: Jack Perkins.

    Fuzzy Memories

    Blues Traveler performs “Hook”

    The Chicken Lady ShowSummary: The Chicken Lady (Mark McKinney) engage in discussion with other fetishists.


    SNL Transcripts