Category: 1995

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 1

95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler

Nightline

Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Colin Powell…..Tim Meadows
Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald

Ted Koppel: The race for the 1996 Republican Presidential nomination is, in a word, unique. Unique in that there are, not one but, two frontrunners – one is Senator Bob Dole, who declared his candidacy on April 10th of this year, and has been leading comfortably in the polls ever since; the other frontrunner, if you will, is General Colin Powell, who, while not officially a candidate, would be leading Senator Dole by a wide margin should he ever enter the race. Both of these gentlemen join us this evening. General Powell, first of all, let me just ask you: It seems the American people would probably literally jump through hoops at this point in order to get you to be the Chief Executive Officer of the United States. Would you buy that?

Colin Powell: Well, Ted, I’m flattered by all the interest, but this whole thing has kind of fallen into my lap, and I need a little time to think it out. I mean, it’s not like I’ve been waiting my whole life to be president! [ laughs ]

Ted Koppel: Alright, fair enough, General.. but if you decide to run, what kind of candidate are you? Democratic candidate, Republican candidate, what?

Colin Powell: Well, does it matter, Ted? [ laughs ] Actually, as of late, I’ve been leaning towards running as an Independent, that way I get to skip the Primaries and go straight to being President! And then I can spend Primary Season on the beach! [ laughs ]

Ted Koppel: [ also laughing ] If in fact you do enter the race, and I do know at this point it’s only speculation, have you given any thought to the team you might select to help you run this country?

Colin Powell: Well, a little. Certainly, Bill Bradley would be a tremendous asset as either a Vice-President or a Secretary-of-State. Perhaps I could coax Mario Cuomo out of retirement to become my new Attorney General. And, with regards to Secretary of Agriculture, I think Senator Dole here would make a wonderful..

Bob Dole: [ his wounded hand snaps his pen in half ] Like hell!

Ted Koppel: Senator Dole, perhaps you have something to say?

Bob Dole: Oh, no, no.. ha ha! I just got something caught in mythroat, Ted Koppel..

Ted Koppel: General, your immense popularity persists despite, orperhaps because of, a lack of information about many of yourpositions..

Bob Dole: [ interrupting ] That’s true enough, Ted Koppel! We don’t know a lot about the General yet. He’s kind of mysterious. But that’s good – the American people love a mystery man! An anonymous drifter skulking out of the dogweed on the side of road, hitchhiking his way into Washington. Hey, sounds like a fine choice!

Ted Koppel: Senator, now let me just get this straight.. Are you saying General Powell is some kind of troubled loner, lying in wait with the intention of raping the country?

Bob Dole: Oh, no, no! I’m not saying that! You’re saying that, Ted Koppel!

Ted Koppel: I’m saying no such thing, Senator. General Powell is a war hero.

Bob Dole: Oh, he sure is, a war hero, ha ha! Of course, it’s pretty easy to be a war hero nowadays. All you have to do is sit back, playing quarters, push some buttons, drinking espresso, letting Schwartzkoff do all the work while you’re sitting on your fat ass! Back in WW2, a war hero was somebody who’d jump on a grenade, blow his damn arm nine days to Saturday!

Colin Powell: Senator, I have the utmost respect for your war record, as I think we all do. I saw quite a bit of action myself, over in Vietnam!

Bob Dole: Ha, you did a hell of a job over there, big victory for us, really kicked some ass! Ha ha ha!

Colin Powell: Now, Senator, you’re out of line! I commanded some of the finest men I’ve ever known in Vietnam, and they did a splendid, splendid job!

Bob Dole: Ah, “splendid”, “splendid”. That’s a good word!

Ted Koppel: General..

Bob Dole: “Splendid”! You know who says that word a lot? My wife, and my mother, other women! You know what I find peculiar, Ted Koppel? The General couldn’t wait to let homosexuals in the military! Ha, kind of makes a fellow wonder! Yeah, I don’t ask, you don’t tell – that suits you fine, doesn’t it, General? That works out splendidly for you!

Ted Koppel: Hang on, wait just a doggone minute, Senator.. Certainly you’re not trying to say or imply that General Powell is just some kind of homosexual?

Bob Dole: Ah, no, no! I’m not saying that, Ted Koppel – you’re saying that! I’m just trying to remind the American people where Bob Dole stands on the issues. Prayer in school – Bob Dole’s for it! A balanced budget – Bob Dole’s for it! Vaginal sex – Bob Dole’s for it!

Colin Powell: Senator, I’m happily married, and you know it!

Bob Dole: Ha ha ha! You’re happily married, that’s right! A lot of people like to drive two cars! You know what I’m talking about, Ted Koppel. The American people need to know when Bob Dole’s sitting across a table from Boris Yeltsin, there’ll be no “come hither” look in Bob Dole’s eyes, I’ll tell you that! That’s right. Bob Dole’s not gonna sell out his country for an erotic back rub from Boris Yeltsin, I’ll tell you that right now, Ted Koppel!

Ted Koppel: Senator, are you saying that a President Powell might someday link up with a Boris Yeltsin hanging over him like a shawl, reeking up the White House sheets with the smell of Vodka, sweat and cheap cigarettes?

Bob Dole: I’m not saying that, Ted Koppel! You’re saying that!

Ted Koppel: Well, gentlemen, thank you for stopping by this evening. That’s all we have time for. I’d like to thank my guests tonight – General Colin Powell and Senator Robert Dole. For all of us at ABC News, I’m Ted Koppel. ABC News, New York, good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 1

95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler

O.J. Today

Bill McDonald…..Will Ferrell
Johnnie Cochran…..Tim Meadows
Robert Shapiro…..David Koechner
F. Lee Bailey…..Steve Higgins
Barry Scheck…..Jim Breuer
Judge Robert Ito…..Mark McKinney

[ open on anchorman Bill McDonald ]

Bill McDonald: The defense rebuts the rebuttal. Next, on “O.J. Today.”

[ dissolve to program’s opening montage, whose anchor photo slides change with each announcement ]

Announcer: From the KTLY News Room, this is “O.J. Today.”

With O.J. Anchorpersons Bill McDonald and Casey Nagamora.

O.J. Correspondent Paul Dabney Cruz.

Fritz Connelly, with O.J. Weather.

Scott McPherrin, with O.J. Sports.

Bob Brown in the O.J. ‘Copter, with O.J. Traffic.

Britt Alexander, with O.J. Citizen of the Week.

O.J. Cooking Tips, from Mr. O.J. Food.

And Arnold Guzman, with O.J. “Shame On You.”

“O.J. Today.”

[ dissolve to a frozen package of Sara Lee Strawberry French Cheesecake ]

Brought to you by Sara Lee. Everyone love Sara Lee – regardless of how they feel about O.J.

[ dissolve back to Bill McDonald, checking his notes at the news desk ]

Now.. here’s O.J. anchorperson, Bill McDonald.

Bill McDonald: Good afternoon. It’s been a busy day in court. The trial which ended yesterday, with prosecution’s rebuttal to the defense’s closing argument, continues today after a surprise ruling, in which the defense has asked for, and been granted, a rebuttal to the rebuttal. Let’s go right to the courtroom and the rebuttal rebuttal.

[ dissolve to the courtroom, Johnnie Cochran taking the floor, prominently showing off hoop earrings and a necktie painted in African tribal colors ]

Johnnie Cochran: Now, the prosecution. Ms. Clark! They’re insulting you! They’re insulting the intelligence and credibility of this jury when they imply that we are, in some way, trying to manipulate a predominantly black jury by my wearing this African tribal tie! A tie that I just happened to pull out of my closet today! Or, for that matter, these masai earrings, which I picked up in Tanzania in 1982, during one of my pilgrimages to the brethren land! Now, that’s an insult! That’s an outrage! That’s an insult to this jury, and I am personally offended! Not only on my behalf, but also on behalf of my esteemed colleagues: Mr. Shapiro —

[ cut to Robert Shapiro, seated at the defense table wearing a mockish tribal uniform ]

— Mr. Bailey —

[ pan over to F. Lee Bailey, topless except for an African tribal collar and dangling earrings ]

— and Mr. Scheck.

[ pan over to Barry Scheck, with spotted face and hoop earring in his nose ]

Mr. Scheck, who happens to be going through a Bakwena rite of passage. In three days, he’ll be a man! And he has to be subjected to these lies! Now, that’s an outrage! But we know you are smarter than that, You’re a whole lot smarter!

Now, you know that O.J. Simpson wouldn’t try to disguise himself with a hat! For example, this hat right here. [ places an African tribal headpiece on his head ] Handpainted in the Bantu tribal pattern by Calanga! A herdsman I met while tracking wildebeest in the Savannah! Hey, Calanga, brother, if you’re watching: [ speaks Swahili and clicks his tongue five times ] Which means: “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

[ cut to a brief shot of Judge Lance Ito shaking his head in disbelief ]

Johnnie Cochran: You see, the prosecution, they’re desperate! Yeah, they’re grabbing at anything! They keep telling everyone – Ms. Clark, the press – that the defense has been playing the “race” card! The “race” card! But what you don’t hear – and I can’t believe the press hasn’t mentioned this – that, all the while, the prosecution has been playing the “evidence” card. Yeah! Oh, yeah! Day in, day out! “Your Honor, we have this ‘evidence’ that we’d like to present!” “We have a witness who will clearly explain this ‘evidence’!” Yuo follow the pattern? Evidence here, evidence there, evidence eveywhere! But that’s not what this case is about!

[ Robert Shapiro and F. Lee Bailey shake their heads in agreement ]

Johnnie Cochran: No! Mmm-mmm! No! This case is not about a man who murdered his wife and an innocent bystander! This case is about a racist cop by the name of Mark Fuhrman! Yes! It’s about a racist cop, a throw pillow, and a gray rabbit! Yes! Uh-huh! I see some curious faces! See, you don’t know about the pillow, or the rabbit, or the mysterious one-armed man! Mmm-mmm! You know why you don’t know? Because they don’t want you to! They don’t want you to know: [ speaks again in Swahili and clicks his tongue five times ]

Judge Lance Ito: Mr. Cochran, please refrain from the use of hyperbole.

Johnnie Cochran: Very well, your Honor. Now, in the next twnety minutes, you will learn – and I’m only gonna take twnety minutes, I’m not gonna drag you through the muck for two days like Ms. Clark – that’s an outrage! Now, in the next twnety minutes, you are gonna learn all about the throw pillow, and the rabbit named Cornelius – and I think you’ll be very interested by what Cornelius has to say —

Mr. Cochran! I’m going to ask you to conclude your argument immediately, and say “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

Johnnie Cochran: Judge, I am merely trying to illuminate to the jury as to the rabbit’s whereabouts!

Judge Lance Ito: Mr. Cochran, I will hold you in contempt! I am ordering you to conclude and say “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

Johnnie Cochran: Judge, this is an outrage!

Judge Lance Ito: [ getting serious ] I will turn off the camera.

Johnnie Cochran: [ momentarily speechless ] Uh.. may I confer with counsel?

[ Shapiro, Bailey and Scheck gather around Johnnie Cochran, as they whisper inaudibly to one another, until Cochran finally re-addresses the courtroom ]

Johnnie Cochran: I’ll have to ask everyone to try to remain calm, but, “Live, from New York, it is Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 1

95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler

The Telephone

Wife…..Mariel Hemingway
Paul…..Will Ferrell
Psychiatrist…..Mark McKinney

FADE IN:

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ]

[ A young WIFE stands at the counter on the phone. ]

Wife: Really? What did you say? No kidding.

[ Her husband, PAUL, comes in. She mimics an ever chattering mouth with her hand. ]

Paul: Do you need help getting off the phone?

[ She gives Paul thumbs up. ]

Paul: YOU ON THE PHONE AGAIN, BITCH! YOU BETTER HANG THAT UP BEFORE I BASH YOUR HEAD IN!!

[ She hangs up the phone. ]

Wife: Oh my God! Paul, what are you doing?

Paul: Did you not want me to get you off the phone?

Wife: Yes I did. But why would you say a thing like that? I better call her back. I can’t imagine what she’d be thinking!

[ Paul exits. ]

[ EXT. HOUSE – DAY ]

[ SUPER: ONE HOUR LATER ]

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ]

[ The wife stands over the counter while on the phone bored. Paul rummages through the refrigerator. ]

Wife: Then what happened? Oh, you don’t say? Yeah.

[ She taps on Paul’s back. She mouths “help”. ]

Paul: I AM SKELETOR, SPAWN OF THE HELL BEAST! HANG UP THAT PHONE AND PAY HOMAGE TO MY AWFUL POWER!!

[ She hangs up the phone hard. Her jaw’s wide open. ]

Paul: Did I mess up again, honey?

[ EXT. HOUSE – DAY ]

[ SUPER: THE NEXT DAY ]

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ]

[ The wife is slumped over the counter while on the phone bored. ]

Wife: Yeah, you’re right. Ah, it’s so rude. Uh-huh.

[ Paul creeps in. ]

Paul: Do you need help getting off the phone?

[ She shakes her head and mouths “no.” ]

Paul: You sure?

[ She shakes her head and mouths “no.” ]

Paul: Please!? Please!?!?

[ She sighs and then slightly nods her head and straightens her posture. ]

Paul: HONEY, THE POLICE ARE HERE! QUICK! HIDE THIS BALLOON OF HEROIN UP YOUR RECTUM!!

[ She hangs up the phone hard. Her jaw’s wide open. ]

[ EXT. PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL – DAY ]

[ INT. WAITING ROOM – DAY ]

[ A PSYCHIATRIST rushes in. Paul’s wife gets up. ]

Psychiatrist: Oh, hi! Uh, look, good news is, we’ve done all the tests, and uh, your husband’s not retarded.

[ She sighs. ]

Psychiatrist: He’s just having a hard time coming up for excuses to get you off the phone. But still, we’d like to keep him here for a couple of months. Just to be on the safe side!

Wife: Whatever you think is best, Doctor.

Psychiatrist: Okay.

Wife: Okay.

[ EXT. HOUSE – DAY ]

[ SUPER: TWO MONTHS LATER ]

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ]

[ The wife stands at the counter on the phone. ]

Wife: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

[ Paul comes in. ]

Paul: Honey, I need to use the phone.

Wife: Okay honey. [to phone ] Carol, Paul needs to use the phone. It was good talking to you, too. Goodbye.

[ She hangs up the phone.]

Wife: Paul! That was absolutely perfect! Terrific!!

Paul: Thank you! You know what else is terrific?

Wife: What?

Paul: I killed the dog.

[ Paul holds up the corpse of a lifeless brown Labrador. His wife screams. ]

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 1

95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler

“Get Off the Shed!”

Frank Henderson…..Will Ferrell
Tom Taylor…..David Koechner
Susan Taylor…..Nancy Walls
Shirley Henderson…..Mariel Hemingway

[ open on exterior, suburban home ]

[ dissolve to back yard, Frank Henderson working the grill as Tom and Susan Taylor approach him ]

Frank Henderson: Hey, there! How you doing?

Tom Taylor: Hi, you must be Frank Henderson!

Frank Henderson: I sure am! I don’t know that we’ve met before?

Tom Taylor: I’m Tom Taylor. I’m Tom’s brother. This is my wife, Susan.

Frank Henderson: Oh, that’s right, the Taylors! I guess someone forgot to take their Stupid Pills this morning! [ they all laugh politely ] Hey, honey, the Taylors are here, we can start the party!

Susan Taylor: Oh, that’s sweet. Hey, is John here yet?

Frank Henderson: Well, speak of the Devil – your brother just called, and he and Sally are stuck in traffic. So, he’ll be about a half-hour late. [ looking offscreen ] Hey, Brandon? Michael? I need you guys to do me a favor and get off the shed. Need you to be a buddy and get off the shed. Okay? Thanks. [ back to his guests ] I hope you two are hungry, we’ve got a ton of food here.

Tom Taylor: I am absolutely famished. We just finished 28th and Pebblebrook, and I tell you, I could eat a cow! Mmm mmm!

Shirley Henderson: [ joining the party ] Would you like some potato salad with that cow of yours? [ everyone laughs ] Hi, I’m Shirley.

Tom Taylor: Hi, I’m Tom Taylor. This is my wife, Susan.

Susan Taylor: Thank you so much for having us over!

Frank Henderson: Well, we’ve heard so much about you two.. [ looking offscreen ] Hey, guys? I mean it. Let’s get off the shed.

Shirley Henderson: Can I get you a glass of Chardonney?

Tom Taylor: Oh.. yeah!

Susan Taylor: That would be lovely!

Shirley Henderson: Okay, you just make yourselves comfortable, and I’ll be right back. [ exits the patio ]

Frank Henderson: You know, you and Susan should really join us for a round of golf sometime.

Tom Taylor: You know what? We’re just nuts about the game, we’d love to. But I gotta warn you – Susan’s a scratch golfer.

Susan Taylor: [ laughing ] Well, you know, I’ve been playing forever. Actually, this is a cute story – we met on a golf course in Scotland..

Frank Henderson: [ yelling offscreen ] Get off the shed! [ back to his guests ] How about next Sunday? Pebblebrook? Twelve o’clock tee-off time, what do you say?

Tom Taylor: [ slightly stunned ] Sounds good.

Susan Taylor: Yeah.. uh.. maybe we can get John and Sally out to the game.

Frank Henderson: Oh, boy, I don’t know about John. I mean, he’s a great guy and everything.. but as far as golf goes, let’s just say he’s spent a little too much money on those clubs of his. [ turning offscreen ] Get off the damn shed! [ returning to his guests ] I just bought a new McGregor 3 Wood, and I’ll tell you, that thing is smooth! Drives just like a Cadillac.

Shirley Henderson: [ rejoining the party ] Believe me, I’d rather drive the Cadillac! [ everyone laughs ]

Tom Taylor: Uh.. great landscaping job, did you do that yourself?

Frank Henderson: You bet. [ turning offscreen again ] Hey! There’s gonna be a meeting between your ass and the palm of my hand, if you don’t get off the shed! Now, GET OFF THE SHED!! [ turning to his guests ] What do you think of the fountain? Do you like that?

[ the Taylors are aghast at Frank’s behavior toward his children ]

Susan Taylor: Oh.. it’s a great fountain..

Tom Taylor: Yeah, it’s a dandy..

Susan Taylor: Love it..

Tom Taylor: Whoo.. what time did you say that John was gonna drop by..?

Shirley Henderson: Oh gosh, I forgot to tell you – that he called and said that he can’t come, and to just go ahead and eat, but he’ll be here for dessert and coffee.

Frank Henderson: Why didn’t he just say he doesn’t like my burgers? [ faces offscreen again ] I will punch you in the face if you don’t get off the shed! Now, get off the shed! GET OFF THE SHED!! GET OFF THE DAMN SHED!!

Shirley Henderson: Hey, honey, those look about done..

Frank Henderson: They sure do.. Chow-time just moments away!

Susan Taylor: [ struggling to leave the scene ] You know what? I.. I am not feeling well.. uh.. we might need to take a raincheck..

Shirley Henderson: Oh, you just need your drinks freshened. [ grabs their glasses ] I’ll be right back. [ exits the patio ]

Frank Henderson: Okay, the burger train just pulled into bun station. Look at these babies.. [ glances offscreen, hands his spatula to Tom ] Excuse me, can you hold onto that for a second? [ yelling offscreen ] Okay.. so you’ve been showing off for the Taylors, huh? Well, I’m gonna put on a little show of my own! I’m gonna give you the beating of a lifetime in front of these people! Are you happy now? [ stomps offstage ]

The Taylors: [ yelling fearfully ] Get off the shed! Please get off the shed! Please!

Frank Henderson: [ returning ] They got off the shed! Thank you, I appreciate that..

[ Tom and Susan sigh, relieved that the boys were not beaten by their father ]

Shirley Henderson: [ hands everyone their burgers ] Here you go..

Susan Taylor: Thank you.

Shirley Henderson: [ glances offscreen ] Hey, Brandon? Michael? I need you to do me a favor and get out of the fountain. I need you to be a buddy and get out of the fountain..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 2


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 7th, 1995

Chevy Chase

Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories

None

Lorne Michaels

Mariel Hemingway

Don Novello
NFL on NBCSummary: O.J. Simpson (Tim Meadows) hints at guilt during football game commentary with coach Marv Levy (Will Ferrell).

Recurring Characters: O.J. Simpson, Bob Costas, Mike Ditka.

Transcript

Montage

Chevy Chase’s MonologueSummary: Donning a Jiminy Cricket imitation, Chevy Chase sings “When You Wish Upon a Star” while reminiscing about SNL’s early days.

Transcript

LobotolSummary: Employee (Nancy Walls) slows her overachieving co-worker (Cheri Oteri) down with a dose of Lobotol.

Transcript

AltheaSummary: Hyperactive little girl Althea (Cheri Oteri) annoys the plane’s captain (Chevy Chase) during her flight.

Recurring Characters: Althea.

Transcript

The Blame GameSummary: Contestants (Chevy Chase, Tim Meadows) blame each other in their quest for game show glory.

Transcript

Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey recalls a blase encounter with escaped criminal.

Transcript

BraveheartSummary: A medieval crowd stands below stone steps waiting for Braveheart, who doesn’t show, to come down. It’s all a ploy for Lorne Michaels to get Chevy Chase to honor a decades-old contract to perform the falls he didn’t do when he left SNL early. Chevy relunctantly agrees, but urges new cast member Jim Breuer to take the high road, just before he pushes him down the steps. Chevy starts to yell “Live from New York!” before being told the show has already started. He introduces tonight’s musical guest instead.

Note: Six years earlier, at SNL’s 15th anniversary, Chevy Chase had to beg Lorne Michaels to let him open the special with a fall, and was forced to sign various waivers stating he wouldn’t sue the network if he hurt himself because of his age.

Transcript

Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories perform “Do You Sleep?”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) announces that Pope John Paul II lost his wallet in Central Park. He later promises a special mass for the New Yorker who finds the wallet.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Prom FlashbackSummary: A married couple (Will Ferrell, Cheri Oteri) are still together in spite of their horrendous prom night years earlier.

Transcript

Gangsta Bitch BarbieSummary: The street-life toy that represents in the 9-5.

Transcript

The Mark Fuhrman ShowSummary: Mark Fuhrman (Chevy Chase) pretends to be enlightened by a rap singer (Tim Meadows) during an interview.

O.J. TodaySummary: After O.J. Simpson is declared “Not guilty,” the cast and crew of “O.J. Today” show off their favorite outtakes during their final show.

Recurring Characters: Bill McDonald.

Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade comments on the decline of popular music.

Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories perform “Stay”

LampreysSummary: A young boy (Cheri Oteri) is heartbroken to part with his beloved face-sucking eels.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 2

95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

Althea

Flight Attendant Turner…..Nancy Walls
Co-Pilot…..Jim Brueur
Captain Burke…..Chevy Chase
Althea…..Cheri Oteri

[ open on interior, cockpit, as Flight Attendant turner enters to Captain Burke and his Co-Pilot ]

Flight Attendant Turner: Captain Burke, are you ready for your next little co-pilot?

Co-Pilot: [ laughs ] It’s your turn to play Happy Captain! I’m gonna cruise the cabin. Have fun! [ exits ]

Captain Burke: Okay, but make it a quick one, will you?

Flight Attendant Turner: I’ll go get her. [ exits cockpit and pulls in hyperactive Althea ] Come on in. Althea, this is Captain Burke; Captain, this is Althea McMenannan.

Captain Burke: Well, welcome aboard, Althea! Ever been in the cockpit of a 727 before?

Flight Attendant Turner: Okay, I’ll leave you two alone.

Captain Burke: Alrighty. [ she exits the cockpit ] Thank you, Flight Attendant Turner.

Althea: [ bouncy ] Thank you, Flight Attendant Turner!

Captain Burke: Hey, Althea.. I sure could use a good co-pilot. Think you’re up to the job?

Althea: Yeah! My teacher, Mrs. McGivens, her husband’s a pilot, he came to our school to tell us about his job, and then we had a test, and I got an A, so Mrs. McGivens said that I had.. THE RIGHT STUFF!!!

Captain Burke: Well.. that’s good to know. And you know what an altimeter is? Well, it tells you how high the jet stre-

Althea: Do you have any kids!

Captain Burke: No.. no, I don’t have any kids..

Althea: I have a little brother – Corey. My little brother Corey was born with only one testicle!

Captain Burke: Well, I’m sorry..

Althea: How many do you have, do you have one, or two!

Captain Burke: I have two.

Althea: You only need one!

Captain Burke: [ uncomfortable ] Well.. I wouldn’t know about that.. [ Althea starts touching things in the cockpit ] No, no! don’t touch anything here, okay? Just relax.

Althea: But I have the right STUFF!!

Captain Burke: I know. But I need you to sit in your seat, okay? Right here. Be a good co-pilot. [ speaks into his intercom ] Will Flight Attendant Turner please report to the cockpit? Flight Attendant Turner, please report to the cockpit. [ turns back to Althea ] Yeah, maybe you’d like to see the outside of the jet?

Althea: Captain Burke, we’re gonna go visit my Aunt Jane in Colorado, where it’s cold! My Aunt Jane has a life partner, her nae is Ju-dy! They’re not married, they’re life partners! LIFE PARTNERS!!!

Captain Burke: Watch the controls, now. [ speaks into his intercom ] Will any flight attendant please report to the cockpit? Any flight attendant, please report to the cockpit. Run to the cockpit!

Althea: Captain Burke, I don’t do drugs, you know why!

Captain Burke: [ smug ] What would be the point?

Althea: Because only a dope does dope! And if a big kid asks me, I’m just gonna tell him that I don’t need drugs to feel good! Besides, I’m already h-h-h-hooked on PHONICS!!! HOOKED ON PHONICS!!! HOOKED ON PHONICS!!! HOOKED ON PHONICS!!! [ stomps ]

Captain Burke: I need you to stay put. Just stay put. Don’t touch that..

Althea: Captain Burke, my mom does drugs, but they’re prescription to calm her down!

Captain Burke: [ smug again ] Well, now that’s a big surprise. [ into intercom ] Uh.. Flight 839 to Control Tower, please.

Althea: Captain Burke!!

Captain Burke: [ into intercom ] Flight 839 to Tower.

Althea: Captain Burke, do you like Amy Grant!

Captain Burke: Who?

Althea: Amy Grant! [ sings and dances “Lucky One” ]

Captain Burke: I used to..

Althea: [ pulls out her doll ] Say hello to Baywatch Barbie!

Captain Burke: Hello, Baywatch Barbie.

Althea: She’s not a bimbo, she’s a LIFEGUARD!! [ stomps ]

Captain Burke: [ into his intercom ] Will any friggin’ flight attendant report to the cockpit?!

Althea: Captain Burke, I’m not gonna have sex before marriage, you know why, you know why!

Captain Burke: [ smug once more ] ‘Cause nobody will touch you.

Althea: ‘Cause no one can touch my body except my husband!

Captain Burke: Mmm..

Althea: I can touch my body! But only if I’m gonna.. wash.. or if I feel the need.. to explore!

Captain Burke: [ into his intercom ] Uh.. ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry to interrupt our flight feature – “Free Willy 2” – but if a flight attendant doesn’t get her ass in the cockpit, I’m gonna take this plane down, okay?!

[ Flight Attendat Turner finally returns to the cockpit ]

Flight Attendant Turner: Okay, Althea, okay.. looks like you’re time is up, okay?

Althea: But I wanted to tell Captain Burke a joke!

Flight Attendant Turner: Well, why don’t you tell it to me, okay? It’s time to go.

Althea: Captain Burke.. Captain Burke has two testicles!

Flight Attendant Turner: [ pause ] Yes, I know. Let’s go.

[ Flight Attendant Turer and Althea exit the cockpit, leaving a stunned Captain Burke alone with his thoughts ]

Captain Burke: Uh.. please, no more testi-.. uh.. no more visitors in the cockpit.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 2

95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

Gangsta Bitch Barbie

…..Chevy Chase

FADE IN:

[ THE “MOTTEL” LOGO IN LOWER RIGHT CORNER ]

Announcer: Mottel Toys presents its new “street-life” division

[ Two little girls are chatting on an urban street corner. ]

Announcer: Hey girls!

[ The girls face the camera. ]

Announcer: Guess who’s representing in the 9-5?

[ A ghetto Barbie in cornrows is placed in front of the camera. ]

Announcer: It’s Gangsta Bitch Barbie!

[ One of the girls mouths “Wow!” Both then start playing with the new Barbie. ]

Announcer: All the ladies in the house are saying “Oh Yeah!”

[ The girls pound their fists up and down saying “Oh yeah! ]

Announcer: Barbie comes direct with Jolly Ranchers…

[ A hand displays a doll backpack. The backpack dispenses a little pieceof paper and doll accessory cigarettes and Jolly Ranchers. ]

Announcer: A pack of Newports and a restraining order against 2 Pac Ken.

[ A hand rolls out Ken dressed as a thug, driving a black Jeep. ]

Announcer: Oh yeah, Ken! He’s gotta be a roughneck!

[ The other girl plays with Ken. ]

Announcer: Hey Ken! Those pants are riding a little high… You sucka!

[ The little girl playing with Ken shows the THUG LIFE tattoo printed his torso. ]

Announcer: Don’t forget to puff up those boxers! Don’t even trip, Ken!Nobody wants to smell your stank-ass breath in their face, son!

[ The girl playing with Barbie uses the doll’s hand to slap Ken. ]

[ GANGSTA BITCH BARBIE and 2 PAC KEN with JEEP STAGE DISPLAYED. ]

Announcer: Gangsta Bitch Barbie and 2 Pac Ken. Stupid toys for crazy-fun kids!!

Jingle:
“Gangsta Bitch Barbie!
She’s going to fall for you!”

[ CLOSE UP ON BARBIE BOX: READS “POPS THAT COOCHIE!” ]

[ GANGSTA BITCH BARBIE BY HERSELF ]

Announcer: Street Life Toys. From Mottel.

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 2

95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

The Blame Game

Sparky Griffin…..Mark McKinney
John Robbins…..Chevy Chase
Jamal Thompson…..Tim Meadows
Paula…..Nancy Walls

Sparky Griffin: Hello, everybody, and welcome, once again, to “The Blame Game”. I’m Sparky Griffin. I didn’t pick the name, they just hung it on me when I was born. Okay! Let’s meet our first contestant. We have a businessman who’s a member of the Suburban Homeowner’s Committee, a husband and a father – John Robbins. Come on out, John! [ John steps up to his podium ] John, tell me a little about this Suburban Homeowner’s Committee. What do you do?

John Robbins: Well, basically, we stop people from putting up things we don’t like.

Sparky Griffin: Oh? Well, good for you! Okay! And now, let’s meet our other contestant – Jamal Thompson. Jamal? [ Jamal steps up to his podium ] Now, it says here that you’re a husband and a father, a member of the Nubian Neighborhood Coalition and the African-American Reparations Committee. Welcome, Jamal.

Jamal Thompson: Hello there, Sir.

Sparky Griffin: So, what does your work on the Reparations Committee involve?

Jamal Thompson: Well, Sir, basically, we seek reparation from the white government for what they’ve stolen from the black man.

John Robbins: Good! Then I’ll send you a bill for the Club on my steering wheel!

Jamal Thompson: Why don’t you go put on a pair of Docker’s and watch another episode of “Mad About You”?

Sparky Griffin: O-kay! Well, I guess we should start the game! Now, the first round is worth 50 points, and our first category is “Famous Accidents”.

John Robbins: [ hitting the buzzer prematurely ] I’m sorry.

Sparky Griffin: Do you want to wait for the question? Okay. Who was responsible for the Chicago Fire of 1871? [ John hits his buzzer ] John?

John Robbins: Was there a looting afterwards?

Jamal Thompson: No, embezzling.

Sparky Griffin: Okay, Jamal, that’s your turn.

Jamal Thompson: Finally. 300 years later.

John Robbins: Here we go again, same old song and dance!

Jamal Thompson: Listen, Sir, I neither sing nor dance!

Sparky Griffin: Alright, let’s calm down here. The answer was a cow, a multi-colored cow.

John Robbins: A multi-colored cow? What are you, a liberal?

Jamal Thompson: What are you, racist?

Sparky Griffin: No, I am a game show host. A game show host. No points there. Alright, next question: Who was responsible for the development of the Atomic Bomb? [ Jamal hits his buzzer ] Jamal?

Jamal Thompson: That is a Eurocentric question, probably made by a panel of white European males. It has no relevance to me or the African people!

Sparky Griffin: Ah. Okay, I’ll take that as “Don’t Know.”

John Robbins: Well, I would know, but I couldn’t get into a good college because of affirmative action.

Sparky Griffin: Alright, I’m sorry. The correct answer was Robert Oppenheimer.

John Robbins: Figures.

Jamal Thompson: Figures.

Sparky Griffin: Alright. [ John hits his buzzer ] I’m sorry – what that sound means is that it’s time for the Lightning Round, [ John gives a quizzical look ] where we give you a problem, and you tell us who you feel is responsible. Jamal?

Jamal Thompson: Alright, let’s do it!

Sparky Griffin: Alright. Drugs.

Jamal Thompson: White people!

Sparky Griffin: Unemployment.

Jamal Thompson: White people!

Sparky Griffin: O.J.’s murder trial.

Jamal Thompson: Whitey!

Sparky Griffin: Inflation.

Jamal Thompson: Korean grocers!

Sparky Griffin: Ooh. Okay, Jamal, very good. On a Blame Scale, you scored 100 points. Now, it’s your turn, John. Are you ready?

John Robbins: Ready! [ hits his buzzer ]

Sparky Griffin: Overpopulation.

John Robbins: The Chinaman.

Sparky Griffin: Immigration.

John Robbins: Mexicans.

Sparky Griffin: The deficit

John Robbins: The Jews.

Sparky Griffin: Crime

John Robbins: [ laughs and points to Jamal ]

Sparky Griffin: Okay, well, you also scored perfectly! Nobody wins, because we’re out of time, but you will receive a consolation prize. Paula, come out here, honey, and show them what they’ve won.

[ Paula holds up the prize on another part of the set ]

Paula: Don’t patronize me. My name isn’t “Honey.” You’ve won a clock!

John Robbins: What a bitch!

Jamal Thompson: Yeah, she probably wants to be a man!

Sparky Griffin: Well, they want to do everything a man does, but they aren’t capable. Then you accidentally walk into the ladies room naked, and they file charges. So, what are you gonna do? Okay! Well, tune in next week, everybody, and, until then, when something goes wrong in your life, it’s not your fault, because..

Everyone: “I.. Blame.. You!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 2

95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

Braveheart

Warrior…..Darrell Hammond
…..Chevy Chase
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Mariel Hemingway
…..Jim Breuer

[ open on stock footage from the film “Braveheart” ]

[ dissolve to SNL’s set, cast members dressed as characters from “Braveheart”, all crowded around a stone staircase that leads up to audience seating in the balcony ]

[ trumpets sound ]

Warrior: We await William Wallace! He who is called.. Braveheart!

[ the crowd cheers the arrival of Braveheart, who, despite the triumphant soundtrack, doesn’t appear ]

Warrior: Uhh.. we await.. Braveheart!

[ from an angle looking down, the crowd cheers louder, but Braveheart again fails to appear ]

Warrior: [ tries again ] We await our leader, the man they call.. Braveheart!

[ the crowd cheers once more, but Braveheart still fails to appear. They are all dumbfounded at the absence of Braveheart. ]

[ cut to Lorne Michaels’ office, where Chevy Chase, dressed as Braveheart, sits in front of Lorne’s desk ]

Chevy Chase: All I’m saying, Lorne, is that I’m a little uncomfortable doing this Braveheart sketch, that’s all.

Lorne Michaels: Chevy, the whole point of this sketch is to showcase your fall. People expect to see you fall. It’s a tradition.

Chevy Chase: Well, th-that’s why I’m uncomfortable. I mean, I’ve been eating all summer, Lorne. Eggs, mostly – but deep-fried. I’m out of shape, and I really don’t want to get hurt.

Lorne Michaels: Why, you got something coming up?

Chevy Chase: [ sheepishly ] No. But.. it’s a Braveheart sketch. The movie’s almost a year old. I mean, it’s not exactly cutting-edge parody!

Lorne Michaels: Hey, kids, are still talking about it.

Chevy Chase: I’m not going to do it.

Lorne Michaels: [ digests the information ] I was hoping you wouldn’t force me to do this.

Chevy Chase: What? [ watches, as Lorne pulls open a drawer and retrieves a huge stack of papers ] What’s that? [ Lorne drops the huge stack onto the desk ] My old contract? You’re not going to.. hold me to something I signed twenty years ago, are you?

Lorne Michaels: Hey, you still owe us seven shows.

Chevy Chase: Come on, Lorne, I’m too old for this. It’s stupid and unsafe for me to go out there and take a fall. Did my doctor call? I’m having problems with my neck.. my back..

Lorne Michaels: Chevy, I really wish that I could help you, but, uh.. remember, you left. You know? So I’m calling it in. It’s the network, okay? Do a funny fall, announce Lisa Loeb.

Chevy Chase: Geez.. [ Chevy stands, obviously in great pain ] Oh..

Lorne Michaels: You’ll be fine.

[ Chevy exits Lorne’s office ]

Lorne Michaels: [ looks offscreen ] Mariel? Can I get a cup of coffee?

[ last week’s host, Mariel Hemingway, steps up to Lorne’s desk and pours him a cup of coffee ]

Mariel Hemingway: Want anything else, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: No. I’d like to be alone.

Mariel Hemingway: Okay. [ she walks away ]

[ cut to Chevy exiting Lorne’s office and walking behind audience members seated at the balcony. Jim Breuer is standing by the wall. ]

Jim Breuer: [ to himself, as Chevy passes ] Holy cow! [ strides behind Chevy ] Mr. Chase!

Chevy Chase: [ responds without looking ] Yeah?

Jim Breuer: Jim Breuer. I’m a new cast member!

Chevy Chase: Oh, that’s great. [ turns to acknowledge Jim ] Sorry. It’s nice to meet you, Tim.

Jim Breuer: It’s Jim!

Chevy Chase: Yeah. Whatever. Hope you can save the show.

Jim Breuer: This is so great to have you here, you know? I used to watch you all the time. You know, ’cause I’m like you, I like to do physical comedy.

Chevy Chase: Great. Look, Bobby, uh —

Jim Breuer: Jim! Jim.

Chevy Chase: Yeah, whatever. I-I-I gotta do this “Braveheart” thing, so it’s nice talking to you. Maybe I’ll see you at the party, or something.

Jim Breuer: Mr. Chase, you’re not gonna go down this stairfall, are you? [ the angle cuts to look up toward them, the other cast members still standing on cue at the bottom of the staircase ] I mean, this is kind of crazy, don’t you think? You’re a 55-year old, you shouldn’t be doing this stuff.

Chevy Chase: I’m 49. Okay? Betty?

Jim Breuer: Jim.

Chevy Chase: Jim. [ Chevy stops at the top of the staircase, sighs; Jim looks sorrowfully at him ] Now, Jim.. Lorne wants me to do a fall. I owe him seven shows.. there’s a good chance I won’t get hurt, and.. you know, this is comedy, so what the heck?

Jim Breuer: Mr. Chase.

Chevy Chase: Yeah?

Jim Breuer: Let me do the fall. You know, I’m at that age where I just feel I’m invincible, you know? And I love to hear the laughter! Come on!

[ soft music pots up ]

Chevy Chase: Betty — that’s exactly how I used to feel. [ sigh ] Life is going to one continuous party, I thought that things were going to be.. going my way continually. A little fall here, a little fall there, some laughter, then I cash the elephant check. But, after a while, I started noticing back pains that hadn’t been there before, aches in the morning, and I-I-I-I turned to pills. Pils aren’t good for you, Betty. I think they’re what gave me that bout of syphilis. [ Jim nods his head ] Don’t contradict me, my wife is watching. Soon, it was pills in the morning, pills at night. Back pains, they just kept coming. I was in and out of rehab so many times, they gave me my own doggie door, Butch. [ sighs ] I’m turning 48 tomorrow, and I don’t like what life has become. and you won’t like your life, either, if you go the fall route. Take it from me.Wow, Mr. Chase. Thanks. I think I really learned something from you today, you know? I think I’m going to take a more.. cerebral approach to comedy, you know? None of this fall stuff. Man, you’re the best, Chevy.

Chevy Chase: Thanks, Ron. [ a beat, before he pushes Jim down the stairs ]

[ the cast members standing at the bottom of the staircase cheer as Jim tumbles down to their feet ]

[ cut back to Chevy at the top of the stairs, as he looks directly into the camera ]

Chevy Chase: “Live! From New York –“

Beth McCarthy V/O: Chevy, we already did that.

Chevy Chase: Oh. [ regains himself ] Uhh.. ladies and gentlemen, uhh.. Lisa Loeb! and Nine Stories!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 2

95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

Fuzzy Memories

Jack Handey V/O: One time I was walking through the field behind our house, when this man jumped out and grabbed me. He was wearing a striped uniform and his ankles were chained together. He told me to get him some food, and some tools to get the chains off his legs. And if I didn’t, he would kill my whole family.

[ cut to young Jack sitting in front of the TV set, eating a popsicle ]

I wonder whatever happened to that guy.

Submitted by: Tony Dumont

SNL Transcripts