Category: 1995

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 14

95n: Elle MacPherson / Sting

1-600-555-AUSSIE

Australian Woman…..Elle MacPherson
Operator #1…..Molly Shannon
Male Caller #1…..Jim Breuer
Operator #2…..Nancy Walls
Male Caller #2…..David Koechner
Male Caller #3…..Will Ferrell
Operator #3…..Sting
Male Caller #4…..Mark McKinney
Operator #4…..Tim Meadows

[ Music Intro: “Down Under”, Men At Work ]

[ open on Australian Woman sitting along the beach ]

Australian Woman: Hi, mates. Do you like beautiful, sexy Australian girls who love having wild sex? Then pick up the phone and call 1-600-555-AUSSIE, for the most erotic one-to-one adult yabber with hot, sexy Australian beauties.

Operator #1: Oh, baby, baby.. I want you to faucet your banana fender, and let me razoo you like a brumby! Then I’ll unzip your strides and let you laff all over me cuckoo burrows!

Male Caller #1: [ confused ] What?!

Australian Woman: It’s the steamiest phone sex line this side of Adelaie. Good-looking sheilas with perfect bodies want to talk naughty to you right now!

Operator #2: Hey, I got a really wet yabbie! So go ahead andchockablock me in the gunny until I waltz in you boots!

Male Caller #2: [ confused ] Uh.. I don’t get what you’re saying.. can we just have phone sex..?

Operator #2: Eww! Take out your boomer and do me Yahoo Serious-style, you tanky bushman!

Male Caller #2: Can you repeat that?

Australian Woman: So don’t be a jumsheep. Because no matterwhat turns you on, there’s nothing these hot, horny lookers can’t handle. How about a kinky three-way Aussie-style?

Male Caller #3: Oh, yeah!

Operator #2: Oy!

Operator #1: Durite!

Operator #2: Oy!

Operator #1: Durite!

Male Caller #3: What?

Operators: Good on you!

Male Caller #3: You’re.. you’re scaring me..

Australian Woman: So, what do you say, jackeroos? Dial now, and one of our hot Australian fluffs will order your brains out and satisfy your vegemite sandwich! And if you’e interested in Aussie men, dial 1-600-555-BLOKE.

Operator #3: Oh, I’m an airy gent, sitting in my decksoff white on me legs? What you doin’, ocker?

Male Caller #4: I don’t know what you just said, but I love it!

Australian Woman: And if you’re into a hankering for Tasmanian girls, dial 1-600-555-ABORIGINE.

Aborigine Girl: Menocha! Dingo! Fallupi fandanga sucka! *click* *click* *click*

Australian Woman: So don’t come aguster. If you like sexy Australian girls, then 1-600-555-AUSSIE’s for you. Remember, the only thing better than you going down on your billibong, is you going down under with us.

Announcer: Only $22 a minute, nonresidents add Australian BTU tax. Non-applicable to residents of Brisbon, Kanurra and Central Perk. Wallabies must 18 or over.

Male Caller #4 & Australian Woman: So call, and we’ll wop-wopyour orifice now!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 14

95n: Elle MacPherson / Sting

Stan Hooper in the Hospital

Stan Hooper….Norm MacDonald
Doctor….Will Ferrell
Gwendolyn Hooper….Cheri Oteri
Monique Hooper….Elle McPherson
Orderly….Colin Quinn

(Opens with an outside view of Strong Memorial Hospital. A blurry image becomes clearer. The face of an orderly looks down on us)

Orderly: Oh, my God! Mr.Hooper! Can you hear me, Mr. Hooper?! Mr.Hooper? Doctor! Doctor!(runs out)

(Doctor comes in and stands next to a bedridden Stan Hooper)

Doctor: Mr.Hooper, Mr.Hooper. Can you hear me?

Stan Hooper: Yeah, yeah.

Doctor: You´ve been in a coma for many years. Welcome back.

Stan Hooper: Where am I?

Doctor: You´re in a hospital.

Stan Hooper: Oh, who am I? What´s my name?

Doctor: (looking in his chart) Your name is Stan. Stan Hooper.

Stan Hooper: Stan Hooper?

Doctor: Now Mr. Hooper, you´ve undoubtedly lost most of your memory. You´ll have to re-learn things slowly. Tell me, do you remember anything about your life?

Stan Hooper: Don´t I live in a big house with a pool?

Doctor: No. You actually live in your parents basement in Queens.

Stan Hooper: Oh, so what am I? A young guy? College student or something?

Doctor: No. You´re 38, uh, you drive a Gremlin and uh, you used to work in one of those factories that make those sanitation cakes you put in urinals.

Stan Hooper: Good Lord….why did you wake me up?

Doctor: Mr.Hooper, relax. There´s some people here to see you. You know, you´re wife Gwendolyn is here.

Stan Hooper: Oh, yeah?

(A beautiful redhead enters the room, hugs and cuddles Stan)

Monique Hooper: Hi-i-i!

Stan Hooper: Holy Lord! God! Look at this! Oh, my God! I can´t believe it! Look at her! She´s like a model. Its my wife. Hey, doc! Check out my wife over here!

Monique Hooper: Stan…

Stan Hooper: Yeah, what do you want, sweetie?

Doctor: Um, Mr.Hooper. This is actually your sister, Monique. Here´s your wife.

(Enters the room a short, unattractive woman with glasses)

Gwendolyn Hooper: Hey, darling. Thank God you´re ok!

Stan Hooper: (bummed out) Oh, no,no,no,no,no. You are not my wife. (to Monique) This is my wife. This one right over here. On my left. She´s my wife. I don´t know what the hell you are but I know its not my wife.

Gwendolyn Hooper: Stan, I am your wife Gwendolyn, remember? Gwendolyn Hooper.

Doctor: Please, Ms. Hooper. Your husband is confused. He´s only been conscious for a few minutes.

Stan Hooper: Ok, so let me get this straight now. You´re telling me that this is my sister? (to Monique) And this is my wife?(to Gwendolyn)

Doctor: Yes.

Stan Hooper: Ok, just to be perfectly clear, doc. (to Gwendolyn) This one over here, I will see naked for the rest of my life?

Doctor: Right.

Stan Hooper: (to Monique) But not this one!

Doctor: Yes, that´s correct.

Stan Hooper: You know what would be great? How about if you put me back in that coma?

Doctor: Mr.Hooper, I can´t do that.

Stan Hooper: Hey, you know what? Sister is one of them funny words, you know? It could mean actual sister, you know like, it could mean you know, like a nun, you know, it could be some crazy nickname for the girl you´re sleeping with?

Doctor: In this case sister means biological sister.

Gwendolyn Hooper: Stan, I love you…

Stan Hooper: (to Gwendolyn) Hang on, lady! Hang on! Hey! I remember! I was switched at birth! I´m not your brother after all! (hugs Monique) This is great!

Monique Hooper: Stan, stop being so silly.

Stan Hooper: I wasn´t silly.

Gwendolyn Hooper: Stan, don´t you remember our wedding day? That little church upstate?

Stan Hooper: Ma´am! Please! Good God!! Now, Monique…God, that is such a sexy name, Monique. You know, I seem to recall, you know, that in certain areas in the Appalachian mountains, you know, sex between siblings is considered normal. We´re from there, aren´t we?

Monique Hooper: Stan, we´re from Chicago.

Stan Hooper: Yeah, well, Chicago, Appalachia, who the hell cares?

Gwendolyn Hooper: Please, darling, for the sake of the children why don´t you come home, please?

Stan Hooper: Back OFF, LADY!! I mean it!!

Doctor: Mr.Hooper, you´re going through a lot. Just take it easy.

Stan Hooper: Oh, oh. Hey, wait a second, wait a second. I get it. This is a joke. Its a joke. Man, this is some joke! I got to tell you, you´re my wife (to Monique) and you´re my sister (to Gwendolyn)you got together while I was in my coma and figured out this great joke! The old switcheroo on the guy in coma joke! I love it! Ha, ha! That´s rich! Ha, ha, ha.

Gwendolyn Hooper: Stan, its been 5 years, 5 long years, sweet baby. Please, we got a lot of catching up to do, Stan.

Stan Hooper: Hey, beat it! Anyway, Monique….

(Scene freezes)

Announcer: Stan Hooper fully recovered from his coma to become a United States congressman, where he went on to pass legislation, making it ok for coma victims to have sex with their sisters.

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 15


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 16th, 1996

John Goodman

Everclear

None

Lorne Michaels

Elle MacPherson

Kurt Loder

Andy Murphy
20/20Summary: Chris Darden (Tim Meadows) recalls an affair he had with Marcia Clark (Nancy Walls).

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Hugh Downs, Marcia Clark.

Montage

John Goodman’s MonologueSummary: Now that he’s hosting SNL for the 7th time, John Goodman has the power to make the cast do anything he wants them to.

Transcript

Grayson Moorhead Securities ISummary: Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) outlines his investment principles, including keeping a list of how much money each client has invested and to feign listening to the client.

Note: Repeat from 10/21/95.

MTV NewsSummary: Kurt Loder gives a quick music news briefing.

The Real World ISummary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) won’t let his younger housemates touch his peanut butter or use his favorite chair.
Recurring Characrters: Bob Dole.

Transcript

The Joe Pesci ShowSummary: Joe Pesci (Jim Breuer) and a heavyset Robert DeNiro (John Goodman) assault Oscar winners.

Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci, Robert DeNiro, Richard Dreyfuss, Maria Tomei.

The Real World IISummary: The younger housemates take further offense to Bob Dole’s (Norm MacDonald) behavior.
Recurring Characrters: Bob Dole.

Transcript

Substitute Teacher Suel ForresterSummary: Students can’t understand substitute teacher Suel Forrestor’s (Chris Kattan) mangled English.

Recurring Characters: Suel Forrestor.

The Real World IIISummary: Bob Dole’s (Norm MacDonald) younger housemates finally kick him out.
Recurring Characrters: Bob Dole.

Transcript

Everclear performs “Santa Monica”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Colin Quinn comments on St. Patrick’s Day.

Fecal MattersSummary: John Fecal (Mark McKinney) is obsessed with the discussion of fecal matter.

Grayson Moorhead Securities IISummary: Arthur Grayson (Jim Downey) outlines more of his investment principles, including what to do if his wife cals while he’s shagging his secretary.

Note: Repeat from 10/21/95.

Gary MacDonald at WorkSummary: Extremely nervous Gary MacDonald (David Koechner) free-associates amidst his company’s downsizing procedures.

Recurring Characters: Gary MacDonald.

Forbes AmericaSummary: Steve Forbes (Mark McKinney) is the proud creator of his own personal America in a remote part of the world.

Recurring Characters: Steve Forbes.

Bill Brasky’s Buddies at Holiday InnSummary: The drunk businessmen (Will Ferrell, David Koechner, Mark McKinney, John Goodman) further praise the mythological Bill Brasky.

Recurring Characters: Hank, Ted, Buddies.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 7

95g: Anthony Edwards / Foo Fighters

G-Dog Does the Nasty

Roadie…..Will Ferrell
Manager…..Anthony Edwards
G-Dog…..Tim Meadows
Dr. Cook…..Cheri Oteri
…..Tim Meadows
…..Cheri Oteri
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on marquee reading “TLC ALL-FOR-ONE G-DOG” ]

[ dissolve into interior stage, Roadie testing microphones ]

Roadie: Testing – 1, 2.. test. Okay, I think we’re ready..

Manager: [ struts onstage ] G-Dog is gonna be here real soon, okay? I’m telling you, “The Nasty” is gonna be the biggest dance craze in this country since the Peppermint Twist!

Roadie: Well.. I’m not much of a dancer. I can do the Robot, though. [ demonstrates ]

Manager: Who are you?

Roadie: I’m a Robot. No, I’m a roadie, my name’s Doug! Can I get you anything?

Manager: Yeah. You can give me back the five minutes of my life I just wasted by talking to you! Whoa-ho, here he is! [ G-Dog enters ] G-Dog! G-Dog! Listen, man, you wanna run through your future hit single?

G-Dog: Yeah, let’s take it. Hey, yo, Phil, somebody ate my Skittles, man!

Manager: I am on it. I am on it. Okay?

G-Dog: Alright. [ Manager steps back ] Let’s do this! [ grabsmicrophone and sings ]

“It’s time to do the Nasty!

It’s time to get naked
’cause my car ran out of gas
Get yourself in the back seat, mamma
‘Cause I’m gonna get some a-ass!

Just drop your pants and do the dance
It’s time to do the Nasty
I’m on my knees and I’m gonna please
It’s time to do the Nasty.

Do the Nasty! Do the Nasty!
Do the Nasty! Do the Nasty!”
Owwww!! [ grabs his back and twitches ]

Roadie: [ runs on stage ] Are you okay, G-Dog?

G-Dog: No! I think I.. think I pulled something in my back!

Roadie: Let me help you out, let me help you..

G-Dog: I’ll be okay, let’s just start again.

Roadie: Okay, G-Dog. [ backs away ]

G-Dog: Alright. Come on, let’s kick this.. [ starts singing again ]

“It’s time to do the Nasty.
Do the Nasty! Do the Nasty!”

Owwww!! [ grabs his back again ] Oh, my God, that hurts!

Manager: [ runs on stage ] What’s up?

G-Dog: My back! It hurts when I do the Nasty!

Manager: G-Dog, you know how important this gig is. It’s New York City, it’s the big time! Now, bad back, or no bad back, you gotta get out there and do the Nasty!

G-Dog: Look.. yo, Phil, the Nasty can wait. I need a doctor, and soon!

[ cut to Medical Center, Dr. Elizabeth Cook, Chiropracter’s office, G-Dog lying on a hospital bed ]

Dr. Cook: ..and your X-rays came back negative. Does it hurt when I do this? [ rubs his back ]

G-Dog: No, doctor, it only hurts when I do the Nasty!

Dr. Cook: What is this “Nasty” you speak of, and how is it done?

G-Dog: Uh.. I.. I can’t do it.. Phil, work it for her.

Manager: Well, it goes like this.. [ dances ] “Do the Nasty! Do the Nasty! Do the Nasty!”

G-Dog: See? It hurts just looking at him.

Dr. Cook: You know, this may sound crazy, but.. maybe your problem is in your mind.

G-Dog: You mean.. psy-cho-so-matic?

Manager: Who, whoa, whoa, wait a second.. G-Dog, you better get your head on straight, brother. ‘Cause if there’s no Nasty Dance, there ain’t no Moolah Dance.

G-Dog: Well, maybe deep down inside I’m fighting to express myreal desire.

Dr. Cook: I’m no psychiatrist, G-Dog, but maybe you should listen to that inner voice.

G-Dog: Yeah.. I need to listen to it. [ ponders thesuggestion ]

[ cut to marquee reading “TLC ALL-FOR-ONE GORDON JONES Formerly G-DOG” ]

[ dissolve to interior auditorium, crwod screaming ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Gordon Jones!

G-Dog: [ onstage ] Okay, dig this! [ starts singing ]

“I just want to be your friend!

Girl, how you doing?
How’s your family?
How’s your little sister
Did she learn her ABC’s?

It’s nice to talk to you
Did you read the book I sent?We can do a lot of things
You listen to me think
Mainly just be friends.

How’s your boyfriend, I hope he’s good
I just want to be your friend!
Let’s go antique shopping, like I know we should.
I just want to be your friend!

Do the Handshake! Do the Handshake!
Do the Handshake! Do the Handshake!
Do the Handsha..”

[ the crowd throws vegetables at the stage and boo G-Dog off the stage ]

Manager: That’s it, Gordon! You’re finished in show business! I’m serious, your career is over! I’m serious, your career is over! Over! Over! Over!

[ the sequence fizzles out and is revealed as a dream – Tim Meadows wakes suddenly from this nightmare ]

Tim Meadows: Oh, no! Oh, my God, it was a bad dream!

Cheri Oteri: [ wakes up next to Tim ] Tim, what’s wrong?

Tim Meadows: Cheri, I had this horrible dream that I was in a sketch with a good premise that went nowhere!

Cheri Oteri: Well, that’s okay! It was just a dream! Don’t worry – Lorne would never let a sketch like that on the air. [ turns to her other side, where Lorne Michaels is lying awake ] Would you?

Lorne Michaels: Absolutely not! [ rolls his eyes mischieviously ] Let’s get back to sleep.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 8


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 9th, 1995

David Alan Grier

Silverchair

None

Paula Pell

NightlineSummary: Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond) delights in referring to Michael Jackson (Tim Meadows) as Jacko when the pop superstar is downed by a back injury.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Michael Jackson, Lisa Marie Presley.

Montage

David Alan Grier’s MonologueSummary: David Alan Grier performs stand-up on a variety of topics.

The Rocky RoadsSummary: Rocky Roads Craig (Will Ferrell), Terry (David Alan Grier), Brad (Tim Meadows) and Tina (Nancy Walls) give an uplifting performance at a school assembly.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Terry, Brad.

Transcript

The Today ShowSummary: Whenever “The Today Show” goes to a commercial, Bryant Gumbel (David Alan Grier) behaves like a homeboy from the hood.

Recurring Characters: Bryant Gumbel, Katie Couric, Slobodan Milosevic, Willard Scott.

Three Wise MenSummary: Of the three Wise Men, Balthazar (David Alan Grier) has forgotten to bring a gift to bear to the Baby Jesus.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) gives “The American President” a big thumbs-up for its dead First Lady plot line. Lenny The Lion (Colin Quinn) discusses the hardships he’s endured as part of the animal kingdom.

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton, Lenny the Lion.

Transcript

Silverchair performs “Tomorrow”

Wake Up & SmileSummary: On the 20th anniversary of their morning show, co-hosts Oliver (Will Ferrell) and Diane (Nancy Walls) suffer a breakdown when the teleprompter fails to provide their dialogue, and a “Lord of the Flies” scenerio plays out.

Transcript

Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade gives a year-in-review Hollywood Minute.

Black PeopleSummary: A profile of black musician Charles Honeydew Wilkins (David Alan Grier).

Silverchair performs “Pure Massacre”

PerspectivesSummary: Lionel Osbourne (Tim Meadows) welcomes his buddy, Dr. Emory Coleman (David Alan Grier), as his guest, even though he hosts a similiar show on another channel.

Recurring Characters: Lionel Osbourne.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 8

95h: David Alan Grier / Silverchair

Goodnights

…..David Alan Grier

David Alan Grier: I’d like to thank, first: musical guest, Silverchair. [ turns to face the cast ] And I know you guys hear this every week — [ the audience bursts into applause ] You hear this every week – but I think the cast and crew on “SNL” were great! [ wraps his arm around Will Ferrell ] Thanks so much, Will, I relaly enjoyed it. Good niiiight!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 8

95h: David Alan Grier / Silverchair

Perspectives

Oliver…..Will Ferrell
Diane…..Nancy Walls
Tim Baker…..David Alan Grier

[ open on visual graphic of the American flag waving ]

[ fade to visual graphic of the WNBC Channel 4 logo ]

Announcer: That concludes our broadcast day. But first, stay tuned for “Perspectives”.

[ fade to the “Perspectives” set ]

Announcer: Fulfilling WNBC’s community programming requirement:”Perspectives”, with your host Lionel Osborne.

Lionel Osborne: Good evening. It’s Sunday, 4:53 in the a.m. And that means this is “Perspectives”. I’m your host, Lionel Osborne, and tonight we have a first-time guest with us on “Perspectives”: Dr. Emory Coleman, host of the award-winning WCBS community service program “Viewpoint”. Welcome to “Perspectives”, Dr. Coleman.

Dr. Emory Coleman: You know, it is out–standing to be here, Lionel!

Lionel Osborne: Now, Doctor, a lot of our viewers might be wondering, are you a doctor?

Dr. Emory Coleman: No. It’s an honorary degree from the city university.

Lionel Osborne: Mmm-hmm, I see.. and your honorary degree is in what discipline?

Dr. Emory Coleman: I’m not sure.

Lionel Osborne: Mmm-hmm. [ to the camera ] For those of you just tuning in, you’re watching “Perspectives”. My guest today is Dr. Emory Coleman, host of the award-winning WCBS-TV community service program “Viewpoint”. He is the recipient of an honorary doctorate degree. Now, I understand you brought a clip from this week’s edition of your award-winning program “Viewpoint”?

Dr. Emory Coleman: That I have.

Lionel Osborne: Why don’t we take a look at it?

Dr. Emory Coleman: Out–standing!

[ cut to clip from “Viewpoint, hosted by Dr. Emory Coleman ]

Dr. Emory Coleman: It’s Tuesday, 4:45 in the a.m., and that means this is “Viuewpoint”. I’m your host, Dr. Emory Coleman. Our guest tonight is simply out-standing! [ long shot reveals Lionel Osborne sitting in the guest’s chair ] He is the host of the award-winning WNBC community service program “Perspectives”. Welcome to “Viewpoint”, Lionel.

Lionel Osborne: Well, thank you, Emory. You know, Emory, I’ve been wondering: are you a doctor?

Dr. Emory Coleman: No.

Lionel Osborne: Hmm.

[ cut back to “Perspectives” ]

Lionel Osborne: That was terrific! For those of you just tuning in, you may have thought you were watching “Viewpoint”. But you’re not. That was just a clip. You’re watching “Perspectives”. I’m your host, Lionel Osborne. My guest is Dr. Emory Coleman, host of the award-winning “Viewpoint”. And among those awards are quite a few local Emmys, are they not?

Dr. Emory Coleman: Well, yes, we’ve won 13 local Emmys for “Oustanding Achievement in Mandatory Community Service Programming”. Now, we won in 1973, 1975, 1977, 1979, ’81, ’83, ’85, ’87, 1989, 1991, 1993, and I’ve got my fingers crossed for this year! Now, uh, you’ve won quite a few Emmys yourself, haven’t you, Lionel?

Lionel Osborne: That’s right. We won in 1972, 1974, 1975 – thatwas the year we tied, right? As a matter of fact, I believe we have aphoto of that.

[ show old photo of Afro-clad Emory and Lionel accepting their local Emmys ]

Dr. Emory Coleman: Heeey, who are those two young guys!
[ they laugh ]

Lionel Osborne: Now, uh, at the time of that photo, you were not a doctor.

Dr. Emory Coleman: That is correct.

[ theme music pots up ]

Lionel Osborne: Well, that’s all the time we have for “Perspectives”. My guest has been Emory Coleman..

Dr. Emory Coleman: Uh.. Doctor.

Lionel Osborne: ..Dr. Emory Coleman. Host of the award-winning WCBS community service program “Viewpoint”, which can be seen later tonight at 5:53 a.m. on, as we say, another network. Uh, Emory, who’s your guest?

Dr. Emory Coleman: Well, you are! Uh.. actually, we’re just going to run this show in the “Viewpoint” slot.

Lionel Osborne: Fan0tastic! You’ve been watching”Perspectives” – unless you’re watching WCBS, in which case you’ve beenwatching “Viewpoint”. I’m Lionel Osborne.

Dr. Emory Coleman: Uh, can I get a tape?

Lionel Osborne: Yes.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 8

95h: David Alan Grier / Silverchair

The Rocky Roads

Principal…..Molly Shannon
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Terry…..David Alan Grier
Tina…..Nancy Walls
Brad…..Tim Meadows

[ open on interior, Culverdale Elementary School Auditorium ]

Principal: Okay, let’s thank Patty Miller, Timmy Jacobson, and Sara Yoder for participating in our Neighborhood Improvement Program. They are our Citizens of the Week! This is for you.. [ hands them a plaque ] You should be very proud of yourselves – terrific! Okay, as you know, it’s Friendship Week.. and we have a very special treat for you. Please give a very warm, Culverdale Elementary School welcome to the Rocky Roads!

[ Rocky Roads step out ]

Craig: [ strumming guitar ] Thank you, Principal Richards. We’re the Rocky Roads. I’d like to thank the good people here at Culverdale Elementary, for being so great. You’re proably thinking, “Hey! What’s with a name like the Rocky Roads?”

Black Guys: We’re the chocolate!

White Guy & Girl: We’re the marshmallow!

Terry: And we’re all just a little nuts!

[ they laugh ]

Craig: But, really! Our goal today is to learn about ourselves, think about ourselves..

Terry: And have a whole lot of fun while we do it!

Craig: Yeah! You bet, Terry! Hey! Who likes to learn? Boo-oo-oo! Right! Well, not today. Check out Terry, Tina, and Brad as they take themselves down an all-too-familiar road. [ strums his guitar and slides offscreen ]

Brad: Hey, New Girl, what’s your name?

Tina: Sally.

Terry: That’s not what I heard. I heard it was “Honky Cracker”.

Brad: That’s what I heard, too, “Honky Cracker”!

Tina: [ weeps ]

Craig: Freeze it! [ they freeze ] Hey, how do you think the new girl felt when the guys called her a “Honky Cracker”? Yeah, right, she felt hurt, that’s how she felt. Let’s see what happens this time, when Terry and Brad decide to be nice first. [ strums guitar and slides offscreen again ]

Brad: Hey, New Girl, what’s your name?

Tina: Sally.

Terry: Wow.. that’s what I heard! I heard it was Sally!

Brad: Hey, that’s what I heard, too! Would you like to go to myhouse, and listen to some records?

Tina: Sure!

[ music plays, as the Rocky Roads get up and sing ]

Rocky roads: “Black, white!
Yellow, white!
Red, white!
Outta site!”

Brad: “People everywhere are different.”

Craig: “We all have different skin.”

Tina: “It don’t matter what you look like.”

Terry: “All that matters is what’s within.”

Brad: “You may be a joker.”

Craig: “Or maybe a straight-A whiz.”

Tina: “You may be king of the nation.”

Terry: “But the only thing that matters is..”

Rocky roads: “Black, white!
Yellow, white!
Red, white!
Outta site!
Outta site!”

Craig: Hey, man, that song really brought it all together for me!

Terry: Well, hey, if you can groove on that, maybe you can really groove on this!

Craig: Hey, that looks like drugs.

Tina: Drugs?! Don’t be laying that ol’ jive on Craig!

Terry: Hey, what’s the matter? Ain’t you tough enough?![ breaks character and addresses the students ] There! You know, you’ve heard it a million times – “Ain’t you tough enough to do drugs?” But what they don’t tell you, man, is that they’re too weak to quit! I mean, why do you think they call it “dope”?

Craig: Word.

Brad: That’s because the only people who do drugs are the “Freaky People”.

Rocky Roads: [ singing ]
“Freaky People. Freaky People. Freaky People. Freaky People.”

Brad: “Come into your neighborhood.”

Tina: “Freaky People, never up to any good.”

Terry: “Never left with any hope.”

Craig: “The only thing they got is dope.”

Rocky Roads: “No good! Shifty eyed!”

Terry: “I remember the day they made my sister cry!”

Rocky Roads: “Pushin’ dope! Gettin’ high!”

Terry: “Where were you when my best friend died!”

Brad: Somebody gave me some bad joint!

Craig: I can fly!

Tina: Stop!

Rocky Roads: “Freaky People!”

Terry: So, if you run into a Freaky Person..

Tina: Tell him and his Freaky Friends to take a hike!

Brad: And you can tell them the Rocky Roads said so!

Craig: You sure can! So, go back to class, and we’ll see you inabout two weeks!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 8

95h: David Alan Grier / Silverchair

Wake Up and Smile!

Oliver…..Will Ferrell
Diane…..Nancy Walls
Tim Baker…..David Alan Grier

[ open on the main set of “Wake Up and Smile!” ]

Oliver: It’s the 20th anniversary of “Wake Up and Smile!”

Diane: 20 wonderful years! And 20 years of this man giving us the weather. Tim Baker, how’s it looking out there?

[ cut to the weatherman on the side of the set ]

Tim Baker: Heighty-ho! Well, we’ve got some mean storm clouds in the northeast, and a happy sun in the southeast! Back to you!

[ cut back to Oliver and Diane ]

Diane: Thank you, Tim Baker. We’re looking forward to another 20 years.

Oliver: It has definitely been a fun ride! Now, I understand you’ve got some cooking tips for us, Diane. I understand you’ve got some cooking tips for us, Diane. I understand you’ve got some cooking tips for us, Diane..

[ a stagehand taps on the teleprompter, which keeps spitting out the same phrase Oliver keeps repeating ]

Diane: [ panicking ] Um.. ih.. it looks like we’re having sme problems with the prompter here!..

[ Oliver and Diane are silent with stage fright ]

Oliver: [ fumbling for something to say ] The teleprompter on which everything we say appears on.. is broken..

Diane: [ trying to laugh ] Please! Let’s get that teleprompter fixed!

Oliver: Uh.. we’re having what’s known in the business as.. technical times.. right now..

Diane: Uh.. well.. let’s go to.. Tom.. Bulcher.. with the weather..

[ cut to the weatherman on the side of the set, stunned by the broken teleprompter ]

Tim Baker: Blank screen.. no words on it.. got to think.. must think.. [ pause ] Back to you..

[ cut back to Oliver and Diane, who are forced to “make something up” ]

Oliver: Uh.. you know, Diane, I had a notion the other day..

Diane: Uh.. well.. uh.. notions make.. uh.. this country happen..

Oliver: I.. I.. I was thinking someone should get a group together.. uh.. with guns to sweep out those ghettos..

[ the show cuts to quick commercial, then comes right back to its frightened hosts ]

Diane: I.. drive a red car..

Oliver: Make sure those poor people stay away from it.. they’ve got sores..

Diane: Let’s.. uh.. let’s go for weather with.. Jeff Shaker..

[ cut back to the weatherman, who’s still stunned by the broken teleprompter ]

Tim Baker: Rain.. clouds.. fear.. I must control the fear.. Please, someone tell me what to say.. I’m dying!

[ cut back to Oliver and Diane, still struggling themselves ]

Oliver: [ breathing heavily ] Getting cold.. feel so alone..

Diane: I’m afraid.. I’m afraid.. I’m afraid!

Oliver:

Diane: What are we gonna do?! There’s no words!

Oliver: [ taking control ] We must use the furniture to build a barricade! [ jumps up and pulls his chair to the floor ]

Tim Baker: [ panicking ] If we wait, surely they will send help, and make the words so we can be safe..

Oliver: [ loosening his tie ] We can’t wait! If we wait, we die! I’m the dominant one, here, so I’ll be the leader!

Diane: [ on the verge of tears ] I’m so hungry..

Oliver: We will live! We will live! [ lets out a dominant scream, as the show goes to commercial again. When the show returns from the commercial, the set is on fire, Oliver has painted a hand on his chest and started his own dominion. ]

Oliver: [ screaming ] The Order of the Hand will rule! The animals of the Zoo guy, Danny Usher, will sustain us. [ places a turtle over the chair ]

Tim Baker: But what if the box still refuses to give us any words?!

Oliver: You challenge my authority?!

Tim Baker: [ sniffing Oliver ] I smell from your scent that you are weak! I challenge you!

[ Oliver and Tim charge one another and topple to the floor fighting for authority. Within seconds, Oliver resurfaces with Tim’s severed head ]

Oliver: The weatherman is DEAD! I KILLED the weatherman! His STRENGTH is in me! [ starts to chew on the weatherman’s severed head ]

Diane: [ crying ] Make the words come back.. Make the words come back..

Offstage Voice: Prompter’s fixed!

[ suddenly, everything returns to normal ]

Diane: [ shocked ] Fixed?! [ reading off the teleprompter ] That’s right, Oliver. I’ll show you how to make a cassrole for the holidays. Stay tuned. Because we’re celebrating 20 magical years of “Wake up and Smile!”

[ Oliver and Diane cry as the show cuts to one last commercial, aghast at how poorly they handled a time of crisis ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 8

95h: David Alan Grier / Silverchair

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Lenny the Lion…..Colin Quinn

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Thank you very much. I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.

Our top story tonight: Charged by critics with failure to create an exit strategy for Bosnia, a defiant President Clinton, toay, insisted that he has one ready. Should the situation deterioriate, he’ll have all 20,000 troops airlifted to England and smoking pot within 24 hours.

Last week the president vetoed a Republican bill to balance the budget.. and he used a pen that belonged to former President Lyndon Johnson. Clinton has also been working his way through John F. Kennedy’s vast supply of condoms.

In business news, Chrysler has alleged that former chairman Lee Iacocca gave away classified documents to other corporations. According to a spokesperson, Chrysler is deeply concerned that other manufacturers have learned the secret to building crappy cars.

Norm MacDonald: “An American President”, Rob Reiner’s new film starring Michael Douglas and Annette Bening, opened in theaters last week. Here with his review is “Update” movie critic and 42nd President of these United States, Bill Clinton.

President Bill Clinton: Thank you, Norm.. thank you, all. Rob Reiner’s latest film tells the story of a young, idealistic president, who has not only a hostile Congress and a nasty Republican contender to deal with, but also has to raise a 12-year-old daughter on his own, because, you see, his wife is dead. I love this movie!

Norm MacDonald: You really liked it that much, Mr. President?

President Bill Clinton: Norm, from the moment we learn the premise about theyoung president with the dead wife, of the the viewer just falls hook, line and sinker. I mean, Rob Reiner has tapped into what must be every young American’s fantasy: to grow up, to become President, to have your wife die, and be left with the trappings of the office free and unattached. [ laughs ]

Norm MacDonald: Was there anything you didn’t like about the movie, Mr. President?

President Bill Clinton: Well, I thought some of the performances were unconvincing, particularly Martin Sheen as the President’s Chief-of-Staff. He’s done better work.

Norm MacDonald: Uh-huh. And what did you like best about the movie?

President Bill Clinton: The dead wife.

Norm MacDonald: Ah. Now, Mr. President, one thing I wondered about in the movie: would it really be possible for a president to sneak a woman into the White House.. what with all the staff and security, and not have any of them talk to the press?

President Bill Clinton: [ tense ] What did you hear?

Norm MacDonald: Nothing, I didn’t hear anything.. But you know, with that huge staff, surely one of them would talk to the press.

President Bill Clinton: No, seriously, did you hear something?

Norm MacDonald: No, no, I didn’t hear anything. I just wondered if that part of the movie seemed plausible to you.

President Bill Clinton: That’s good.. well..

Norm MacDonald: So, anyway, Mr. President, on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you give this movie?

President Bill Clinton: Norm, I give it a 10!

Norm MacDonald: Wow, that’s more than you gave “Tank Girl”.

President Bill Clinton: I love this movie! [ laughs ]

Norm MacDonald: Alright! President Clinton, everybody!

In a surprise move, O.J. Simpson has offered to give an interview to CNN, with “absolutely no ground rules”. But interviewers Greta van Suster and Ann Roger-Cossack have asked for one – “Dont kill us!”

Across the Great Plains, harsh weather and hungry boll weevils are the cause of one of the worst cotton harvests in years – or so the Germans would have us believe.

Doctors at the University of Pennsylvania Hospital are hard at work developing a new operation to remove an appendix without anesthesia. The operation is exactly the same as the one with anesthesia, with one key difference – it hurts like a bastard!

The New york Public Interest group has unveiled its list of dangerous topys for the upcoming Christmas season. Topping the list this year, Baby’s First Circular Saw.

This week in Minneapolis, the Minnesota Obesity Center offically opened. Its goals – to find ways to identify behaviors that lead to obesity. Also, it’s a good place ot meet fat chicks.

Norm MacDonald: You know, many of the nation’s zoos are facing severe cash-flow problems. Some have even closed. Here to speak for the displaced animals is the King of the Jungle himself – the Lion!

Lenny the Lion: Hello, my name is Lenny, I’m a lion. I’ve been in an out of the zoo since I’ve been 15 years of age. I’m currently due to stand trial for the attempted murder of an ocelet, even though I have a signed letter from my therapist that says I am a natural predator. I’m not trying to make excuses, but I come from a violent background. I watched my father kill a giraffe when I was 2 years old. Two of my brothers were in a pride, they were eventually killed by poachers. I have one sister who lives in Kenya – I haven’t seen her in 20 years.

In the meantime, I’m living in the park, I’ve been stabbed, I’ve been hospitalized with hypothermia – I mean, look at this coat! This doesn’t keep me warm! I’m trying to get into a natural habitat, but there’s a 2-year waiting list. I’ve tried to get a job with the Ringling Brothers, but they won’t hire me because of my record. I’ve been in the system ever since I was brung over here. I did three years in the Columbus Zoo for stalking an ostrich. I’ve done time in the Bronx, in Central Park.. I was in San Diego during the riots. I am currently suing the ASPCA, because when I was transferred to an animal shelter, they shot me full of elephant tranquilizers – I mean, come on, man, do I look like an elephant to you? I became an addict – I just kicked for the ninth time, but I’m clean now.

I don’t want handouts, I will pay back anything you give me.. Marlin Perkins owes me a residual check, it’s at my mother’s house in back in Nirobia – I swear! When I was coming up there in the 70’s, it was different – everybody got along, panthers, cheetahs.. my sister went out with a tiger – we didn’t care, he was a cool guy! So, listen, if you know anyone who’s hiring, I can defned your home.. if your kid’s having problems in school with bullies, I can take care of it for you. Thank you for your time, I appreciate your attention, fur is murder!

Norm MacDonald: The Lion!

Finally, in Connecticut, a mailman on his route was bitten and dragged by a Rottweiler that held on even after police shot it five times. Officers rescued the shaken mailman, who finished his rounds, went back to the post office, and shot ten people.

Norm MacDonald: And that’s the way it is. Enjoy your Sunday, folks! Thanks!

SNL Transcripts