Celebrity Jeopardy

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Marlon Brando…..John Goodman
Phil Donahue…..Darrell Hammond
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy”. As you know, all of our celebrities are playing for charity. Marlon Brando, your charity is “Habitat for Humanity”; Phil Donahue, yours is the “Children Are Our Future Foundation”; and, Burt Reynolds, yours is the “Palm Beach Golf & Tennis Resort”. We have quite a match going here, let’s look at the score: We’ve got a close race going on for second place between Phil Donahue at -$6,800, and Burt Reynolds with -$6,900. And, at a commanding lead, it’s Marlon Brando with -$4,500. Better luck to all of you in the next round. It’s time for “Double Jeopardy”, let’s take a look at our board. The categories are: “Famous Roberts”, “Three Letter Words”, “Potpourri”, “Potent Potables”, “Colors”, “Holidays”, and, finally, “U.S. States”. Marlon, you pick the category.

Marlon Brando: Uh.. “Fishing”, for $1,000.

Alex Trebek: There’s no “Fishing” on the board, Marlon.

Marlon Brando: Uh.. I like “Fishing”.

Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s great. Let’s just start with “Famous Roberts”, for $400. The answer is: “This was John F. Kennedy’s younger brother.” [ Marlon buzzes in ] Marlon Brando?

Marlon Brando: Teddy.

Alex Trebek: No.

Marlon Brando: “Who’s Teddy?”

Alex Trebek: No!

Marlon Brando: “What is Teddy?”

Alex Trebek: No! [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: I’ll tell you something, Alex.. I think he’s right.

Alex Trebek: No, he’s not right! Remember the category: “Famous Roberts”.. in the Kennedy Family.

Burt Reynolds: “Who is Robert Blake?”

Alex Trebek: [ stunned ] No! [ Phil buzzes in ] Phil Donahue?

Phil Donahue: Well, my dear, good man, the board appears.. to be mine. I mean, in a tricky game where questions are answers, answers are questions, “Who’s on first?”, “What’s in the chicken?”, whoa-oa! and all of a sudden, I’m walking.. [ time-out buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: Phil, your time is up. Marlon, you still have control of the board.

Marlon Brando: [ playing with his buzzer ] In Tahiti, they have these dogs.. that they train to catch frisbees in their mouthes.. it’s amazing..

Alex Trebek: [ exasperated ] And I’ll pick the category for you. “Holidays”, for $400. The answer is: “This December 25th holiday involves decorating a tree and opening presents.” [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, “what is my birthday?”

Alex Trebek: Is December 25th your birthday, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: No, July 5th!

Alex Trebek: Actually, I have your bio here – it’s February 11th. [ Burt buzzes again ] Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: “What is July 5th?”

Alex Trebek: [ perplexed ]Absolutely not! [ Phil buzzes in ] Yes! Phil Donahue?

Phil Donahue: [ poised ] Little Bobby, and little Susie, have hung their stockings with care. Mom and Dad are out looking for Tickle-Me-Elmo ’til five a.m., and all of a sudden, Bobby looks up and he says, “Hey! Who is this Jesus?”

Alex Trebek: [ angry ] You know the answer, just say it!

Phil Donahue: Meanwhile, Kris Kringle is drinking Coke! The reindeer are playing Nintendo! The elves are wearing Nike..! [ time-out buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: Time is up, Mr. Donahue! The answer was “Christmas”. [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: [ from out of nowhere ] He’s a good guy!

Alex Trebek: [ confused ] What?! What was that, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: Robert Blake! Good guy! You ought to think about putting him up on your board, there!

Alex Trebek: Once again, Mr. Brando, the board is unfortunately yours.

Marlon Brando: [ twisting his buzzer in his hands ] I went into a 7-11 this morning.. and I wandered over to the magazine rack.. there’s so many magazines about cars..

Alex Trebek: [ interrupting ] I’m going to assume you picked “Colors”, for $800. Name this color. [ a red swatch appears on the game board ] Let’s just forget the whoe “answer in the form of a question” thing.. just name this color! [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, it’s a rectangle!

Alex Trebek: At this point, Mr. Reynolds, I’m convinced you have a learning disability. [ Phil buzzes in ] Mr. Donahue?

Phil Donahue: We live in a society where everyone claims to be color-blind..

Alex Trebek: I know where this is going! [ Marlon buzzes in ] Mr. Brando?

Marlon Brando: [ slowly removing his pants ] You knoq, I was riding a bicycle.. that I made myself.. and I was with Wally Cox.. and, God, I miss him, he was a good man.. e had fingers like a sailor.. I remember one time, in Bangkok.. [ time-out buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: The answer was “Red”. Mr. Donahue, you are at -$7,200; Mr. Reynolds.. you seem to have broken your buzzer.. and Mr. Brando, you’re naked from the waist down. Let’s just move on to “Final Jeopardy”. I tell you what, let’s just forget the question. All you have to do to win the game is write down the current year. What year it is right now. [ the “Final Jeopardy” theme plays, as the contestants barely make an effort to write down an answer ] It’s a number. What year is it this year? It starts with a “19”. [ Alex approaches the contestants to check their answers ] Okay, let’s see what we’ve got. Mr. Donahue appears to have written way too much.. in fact, he’s still going on. Let’s see what he’s got so far. [ a lengthy monologue appears on his screen ] Not even close.

Phil Donahue: Oh, come on!

Alex Trebek: Okay, now, Mr. Reynolds, I didn’t see you write anything, maybe I missed it.. [ a blank screen appears ] ..and I didn’t. You gave no answer.

Burt Reynolds: Why don’t you let me buy a vowel?

Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s infuriating. [ approaches Marlon Brando, who has a puppet on his hand ] Mr. Brando chose to speak to a puppet, in lieu of participating. Maybe the puppet wrote down an answer. [ Marlon’s screen is revealed to have the word “POOP” written on it ] You wrote “Poop”. This must be a proud moment for you, Mr. Brando.

Marlon Brando: [ concentrating on his puppet ] You’re a squawking parrot.. you’re an ant.

[ Burt squawks like a parrot ]

Alex Trebek: Okay.. Mr. Reynlds is the winner, by having the least negative amount of money. On his behalf, the Palm Beach Golf & Tennis Resort will receive a check for $10,000. That’s it for “Celebrity Jeopardy”. I quit.

SNL Transcripts

John Goodman’s Monologue

John Goodman’s Monologue

… John Goodman
… Tim Meadows
… Lorne Michaels

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, JohnGoodman!

John Goodman: Thank you very much! Thank you!Thank you very much! It’s really a great pleasure tobe here. This is, if you can believe it, my eighthtime hosting — and I feel great! [cheers andapplause] I’m back here, Spring is in the air and, Idon’t know if you noticed it or not, but I’ve lostsome weight — over seventy pounds. [cheers andapplause] Thank you. Seventy pounds. Took me five daysto do it … And, except for the constant vomiting andlightheadedness, I feel great. Anyway, now that I’mhosting for the eighth time, I kinda feel like I’mpart of the show’s history, hand in hand with suchgreat cast members as Bill Murray, Alan Alda, PhyliciaRashad … Herman Munster– Oh, yeah! The – the”Where’s the Beef?!” lady! … Every week, it’s thirtyminutes of magic.

[Tim Meadows, still wearing the dress he wore for thecold opening, enters and confronts Goodman]

Tim Meadows: Hey, uh, John, uh, you feelin’okay, man? What happened to the Mother’s Daymonologue?

John Goodman: Right. Sorry. [to the camera] Uh,cut! Just do another take, we’ll use that one. [to thecrowd] Uh, just– Folks, we’re just gonna do one moretake and I’ll have it, folks. I’m sorry. [turns tohead upstage but Tim grabs him]

Tim Meadows: John, John, John! What – what youdoin’, man? We’re live.

John Goodman: [overcome with silent laughter,grinning broadly] No, we’re not!

Tim Meadows: Yeah, yeah, yes, we are,man.

John Goodman: Ha! Pal, wake up! [to the crowd]I’m sorry, everyone. Apparently, my little fruityfriend here isn’t … aware that I’ve, uh, hosted theSaturday Night Fun Hour eight times — and I think I’dknow if it were live!

Tim Meadows: Yeah. But John the show’s calledSaturday Night Live. Okay? You’re live rightnow.

John Goodman: [soberly] Oh, great. Suddenly,the show’s live. … That’s okay. Live or not, I stillknow the show cold.

Tim Meadows: Okay, John. Great. [gives Goodmana pat on the back and exits]

John Goodman: Thanks. [sighs] Let’s get thisthing going, all right? [instantly adopts a supercoolveejay voice] Folks, we got a lot of great musicvideos coming up. Right now … let’s get ready forStyx. Roll the video. … [to off screen director DaveWilson] Okay, Davey, have we cut away to the video?Good. Okay, I’m gonna go to my trailer and lose somemore weight. [turns to exit, Tim rushes back in andgrabs him]

Tim Meadows: John, John, wait, man. John, whereyou goin’, man?

John Goodman: Oh, I was just gonna put my headin the diet machine while the videos are playin’ forthe kids.

Tim Meadows: Right. Okay. [to producer LorneMichaels who now enters] Hey, thank God you’re here![Tim happily hugs Lorne]

Lorne Michaels: John, listen, we’re not gonnarun any music videos.

John Goodman: Trust me, we are. And you knowhow I know how? I’ve hosted the show eight times!Eight! [quietly, to Lorne] How long haveyou been here?

Lorne Michaels: Since 1975. I’m the producer ofthe show, John.

John Goodman: [snidely] I know who you are,Leon!

Lorne Michaels: What kind of diet are you on,exactly?

John Goodman: It’s the usual. Grapefruit,Clorox, fiberglass …

Lorne Michaels: Listen, everything’s gonna befine. You’re – you’re doing great. Just – just readwhat’s on the cards.

John Goodman: [sarcastic] Thanks, Leon. …

Tim Meadows: [happily, to Lorne] You did it!You saved the show again! [high-pitched giggle, hugsLorne again]

Lorne Michaels: Easy, Fruity. … [Tim andLorne exit]

John Goodman: [enthusiastic] All right! We’vegot a great show! We’re gonna have some apes fighteach other, dressed like gladiators!

[Tim and Lorne rush on again]

Tim Meadows: John, John, John, John.

Lorne Michaels: John, that’s not what’s on thecards.

John Goodman: [quietly] I’m sorry. We really dohave a great show. Jewel is here. So, stick around.We’ll be right back.

[Cheers and applause. Goodman looks glum but Tim andLorne applaud happily and Tim hugs Lorne again as wepull back and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts