Delicious Dish

Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon
“Fireball”…..John Goodman

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCulen.

Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.

Margaret Jo McCullen: And you’re listening to..

Together: “The Delicious Dish”, on National Public Radio.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Teri, the days are getting longer, and the mercury is rising.

Teri Rialto: It sure is, Margaret Jo. And that cna only mean one thing.

Together: Summer.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now.. one of my favorite things about summer is that you can have your meals outside.

Teri Rialto: That is neat.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah. It’s fun. It’s warm. It’s warm outside.

Teri Rialto: Yeah. Summer’s my favorite season.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Same here. Because it’s hotter than the rest of the year.

Teri Rialto: It sure is.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s fun, isn’t it?

Teri Rialto: It’s neat.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Fun.

Teri Rialto: Good times. Now, we have some exciting ideas on how to keep cool during these summer months.

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s right, Teri. One of my favoritesummer treats is a nice tall glass of soda water.

Teri Rialto: Mmm.. me, too. Sometimes, to keep things interesting, I like to add a little bit of ice.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Thanks for bringing that up.

Teri Rialto: You’re welcome.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I see your point.

Teri Rialto: Thank you. And, actually, I don’t know if you noticed, there are many different kinds of ice.

Margaret Jo McCullen: You’re absolutely right. There’s cubed ice.

Teri Rialto: Crushed ice.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Cracked ice.

Teri Rialto: Shaved ice.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Shaved ice? I didn’t know ice could growa beard!

[ they laugh ]

Teri Rialto: That’s funny! Did you just think of that right now?

Margaret Jo McCullen: No, I thought of it last night and wrote it down.

Teri Rialto: You’re very funny.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Thanks.

Teri Rialto: You’re so fun to be around.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Thanks, so are you. It’s fun being with you.

Teri Rialto: You’re welcome. But you know, Margaret Jo, you could soda water all you want, but it still wouldn’t be summer without one thing.

Together: Cookouts.

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s right. We’re so thrilled to have our special guest with us today.

Teri Rialto: I feel really thrilled.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Me, too. He’s the two-time winner of theGreat American Chili Cookoff, and his spicy five-alarm chili recipes are all I need to get my bronco bucking.

Teri Rialto: So please welcome – Rusty “Fireball” Wilson. Thanks for coming, “Fireball”.

“Fireball”: You’re sure welcome. Wow. I’m really fired up to be here.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, “Fireball”, talking to you is justlike being out on the old West.

Teri Rialto: Tell us, “Fireball”, what is your recipe for anunforgettable summer cookout?

“Fireball”: Well, you know I’m gonna hurt my book sales for telling you this.. but there are three critical ingredients for an authentic summer barbecue. You might want to grab a pen for this. They are: meat, bread, and sauce.

Teri Rialto: You might want to say that again, in case our listeners didn’t have a chance to get a pen.

Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s a good idea.

“Fireball”: Sure. Meat. [ pause ] Bread. [ pause ] And sauce.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow. My stomach’s really starting to growl.

“Fireball”: Well, when all of it is said and done, no single element of a barbecue can get your mouth watering like a clean grill.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I’ll be darned.

Teri Rialto: I guess that’s why you’re the expert.

“Fireball”: Yeah. You should always clean your grill. A wirebrush is a good thing to use.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I don’t mean to rock your boat, “Fireball”, but what about using an S.O.S. pad.

“Fireball”: [ thinking ] Shoot, I should have put that in my book.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Thanks!

Teri Rialto: You know, “Fireball”, I’ll bet there’s a world offacts about grills.

“Fireball”: Oh, there sure is. Did you know that the first gasgrill was invented in 1934.

Teri Rialto: Yes, I did.

Margaret Jo McCullen: By Captain Carl Heinrick of Belgium.
“Fireball”: Bingo.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hey, look, we have a call!

“Fireball”: That’s exciting.

Together: “Delicious Dish”, you’re on the air!

Caller: Yeah, hi. I’m a big fan of the show.. but let me get this straight – are you guys talking about cooking food outside?

Teri Rialto: Yes, that’s what we’re talking about.

Caller: But I mean, there’s birds and rain outside. Who knowswhat could happen.

Margaret Jo McCullen: You’re right.. but, likewise, cookouts can be pretty unpredictable.

Caller: Okay. So, here’s my question: could I cook my foodinside, while I look out the window?

Teri Rialto: Uh.. tht’s not a problem for us. “Fireball”?

“Fireball”: Fine by me – only, in that case, you should call ita “cook-in”.

[ they laugh ]

Teri Rialto: That’s funny! You.. you should be on “Carson”!

“Fireball”: I almsot was.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, uh.. thank you for calling.
Teri Rialto: Thanks for calling!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Uh-oh, Teri, we’ve done it again – we’re out of time.

Teri Rialto: Oh, that’s too bad.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, join us tomorrow on “Delicious Dish”, when our topic will be..

Together: Eggs.

“Fireball”: I had a good time.

Teri Rialto: Me, too.

“Fireball”: I hope I ddin’t ruin your show.

Margaret Jo McCullen: No, you didn’t. It was really fun for us..

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Celebrity Jeopardy

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Marlon Brando…..John Goodman
Phil Donahue…..Darrell Hammond
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy”. As you know, all of our celebrities are playing for charity. Marlon Brando, your charity is “Habitat for Humanity”; Phil Donahue, yours is the “Children Are Our Future Foundation”; and, Burt Reynolds, yours is the “Palm Beach Golf & Tennis Resort”. We have quite a match going here, let’s look at the score: We’ve got a close race going on for second place between Phil Donahue at -$6,800, and Burt Reynolds with -$6,900. And, at a commanding lead, it’s Marlon Brando with -$4,500. Better luck to all of you in the next round. It’s time for “Double Jeopardy”, let’s take a look at our board. The categories are: “Famous Roberts”, “Three Letter Words”, “Potpourri”, “Potent Potables”, “Colors”, “Holidays”, and, finally, “U.S. States”. Marlon, you pick the category.

Marlon Brando: Uh.. “Fishing”, for $1,000.

Alex Trebek: There’s no “Fishing” on the board, Marlon.

Marlon Brando: Uh.. I like “Fishing”.

Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s great. Let’s just start with “Famous Roberts”, for $400. The answer is: “This was John F. Kennedy’s younger brother.” [ Marlon buzzes in ] Marlon Brando?

Marlon Brando: Teddy.

Alex Trebek: No.

Marlon Brando: “Who’s Teddy?”

Alex Trebek: No!

Marlon Brando: “What is Teddy?”

Alex Trebek: No! [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: I’ll tell you something, Alex.. I think he’s right.

Alex Trebek: No, he’s not right! Remember the category: “Famous Roberts”.. in the Kennedy Family.

Burt Reynolds: “Who is Robert Blake?”

Alex Trebek: [ stunned ] No! [ Phil buzzes in ] Phil Donahue?

Phil Donahue: Well, my dear, good man, the board appears.. to be mine. I mean, in a tricky game where questions are answers, answers are questions, “Who’s on first?”, “What’s in the chicken?”, whoa-oa! and all of a sudden, I’m walking.. [ time-out buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: Phil, your time is up. Marlon, you still have control of the board.

Marlon Brando: [ playing with his buzzer ] In Tahiti, they have these dogs.. that they train to catch frisbees in their mouthes.. it’s amazing..

Alex Trebek: [ exasperated ] And I’ll pick the category for you. “Holidays”, for $400. The answer is: “This December 25th holiday involves decorating a tree and opening presents.” [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, “what is my birthday?”

Alex Trebek: Is December 25th your birthday, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: No, July 5th!

Alex Trebek: Actually, I have your bio here – it’s February 11th. [ Burt buzzes again ] Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: “What is July 5th?”

Alex Trebek: [ perplexed ]Absolutely not! [ Phil buzzes in ] Yes! Phil Donahue?

Phil Donahue: [ poised ] Little Bobby, and little Susie, have hung their stockings with care. Mom and Dad are out looking for Tickle-Me-Elmo ’til five a.m., and all of a sudden, Bobby looks up and he says, “Hey! Who is this Jesus?”

Alex Trebek: [ angry ] You know the answer, just say it!

Phil Donahue: Meanwhile, Kris Kringle is drinking Coke! The reindeer are playing Nintendo! The elves are wearing Nike..! [ time-out buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: Time is up, Mr. Donahue! The answer was “Christmas”. [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: [ from out of nowhere ] He’s a good guy!

Alex Trebek: [ confused ] What?! What was that, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: Robert Blake! Good guy! You ought to think about putting him up on your board, there!

Alex Trebek: Once again, Mr. Brando, the board is unfortunately yours.

Marlon Brando: [ twisting his buzzer in his hands ] I went into a 7-11 this morning.. and I wandered over to the magazine rack.. there’s so many magazines about cars..

Alex Trebek: [ interrupting ] I’m going to assume you picked “Colors”, for $800. Name this color. [ a red swatch appears on the game board ] Let’s just forget the whoe “answer in the form of a question” thing.. just name this color! [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, it’s a rectangle!

Alex Trebek: At this point, Mr. Reynolds, I’m convinced you have a learning disability. [ Phil buzzes in ] Mr. Donahue?

Phil Donahue: We live in a society where everyone claims to be color-blind..

Alex Trebek: I know where this is going! [ Marlon buzzes in ] Mr. Brando?

Marlon Brando: [ slowly removing his pants ] You knoq, I was riding a bicycle.. that I made myself.. and I was with Wally Cox.. and, God, I miss him, he was a good man.. e had fingers like a sailor.. I remember one time, in Bangkok.. [ time-out buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: The answer was “Red”. Mr. Donahue, you are at -$7,200; Mr. Reynolds.. you seem to have broken your buzzer.. and Mr. Brando, you’re naked from the waist down. Let’s just move on to “Final Jeopardy”. I tell you what, let’s just forget the question. All you have to do to win the game is write down the current year. What year it is right now. [ the “Final Jeopardy” theme plays, as the contestants barely make an effort to write down an answer ] It’s a number. What year is it this year? It starts with a “19”. [ Alex approaches the contestants to check their answers ] Okay, let’s see what we’ve got. Mr. Donahue appears to have written way too much.. in fact, he’s still going on. Let’s see what he’s got so far. [ a lengthy monologue appears on his screen ] Not even close.

Phil Donahue: Oh, come on!

Alex Trebek: Okay, now, Mr. Reynolds, I didn’t see you write anything, maybe I missed it.. [ a blank screen appears ] ..and I didn’t. You gave no answer.

Burt Reynolds: Why don’t you let me buy a vowel?

Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s infuriating. [ approaches Marlon Brando, who has a puppet on his hand ] Mr. Brando chose to speak to a puppet, in lieu of participating. Maybe the puppet wrote down an answer. [ Marlon’s screen is revealed to have the word “POOP” written on it ] You wrote “Poop”. This must be a proud moment for you, Mr. Brando.

Marlon Brando: [ concentrating on his puppet ] You’re a squawking parrot.. you’re an ant.

[ Burt squawks like a parrot ]

Alex Trebek: Okay.. Mr. Reynlds is the winner, by having the least negative amount of money. On his behalf, the Palm Beach Golf & Tennis Resort will receive a check for $10,000. That’s it for “Celebrity Jeopardy”. I quit.

SNL Transcripts