[Bespectacled, suspender-wearing talk show host LarryKing bends over his typewriter and cranks out hisnewspaper column.]
Announcer: If you’re not reading “Larry King’sNews & Views” in USA Today, then you’re missing out onthe issues that matter.
Larry King: [into the camera] This is “News andViews.” Here’s my two cents, gang. If you only see onefilm the rest of your life, it should be – “Dante’sPeak”!
Yours truly will be in Branson, Missouri next week foran exclusive interview with – Eddie Rabbitt.
The more I think about it, the more I appreciatewater. A great, great beverage.
Is it just me or is anyone else sick and tired – ofthe Special Olympics?
Promoter Don King: one class act!
I don’t ever remember wearing a hat. Not once. Notever!
I dined with O. J. Simpson in Los Angeles last weekand, take it from me, folks, the Juice is still a herowherever he goes.
Of all the causes of death, burning in a fire is stillNumero Uno in the pain department.
There isn’t a better chef in the world of food thanChef Boyardee.
I have no tolerance for people who bury other peoplealive.
Announcer: This has been USA Today’s “News &Views with Larry King.”
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonaldand now the fake news. Our top story tonight:
Late this week, President Clinton and RussianPresident Boris Yeltsin met in Helsinki to discuss thesensitive topic of NATO expansion. For his part,Yeltsin stood firm, saying he must do what is rightfor Russia, while Clinton also stood firm, saying hemust do what is right for China.
On Thursday, in a stunning admission, the LiggettGroup, makers of Chesterfield, Lark, and L&Mcigarettes acknowledged publicly that their cigarettesare addictive and do cause cancer. Hours later, thefour other major tobacco makers Reynolds, PhilipMorris, Lorillard, and Brown and Williamson issued ajoint statement saying quote, “Today’s announcementcomes as no surprise. Everyone knows Liggettcigarettes cause cancer.”
Also this week, a California newspaper revealed thatO.J. Simpson was awarded custody of his childrenmainly because a court-ordered psychological testshowed that he is a loving father. It should be noted,however, that the same test also showed that he was aloving husband. [applause]
Following the surprise withdrawal of his nomineeAnthony Lake, President Clinton has chosen acting CIAdirector George Tenant to head up the agency. Now allhe needs is the approval of the House, the Senate, andthis Chinese guy. [Photo of elderly bespectacled Asianman]
In Washington this week, the Supreme court is havingarguments on whether or not pornography should bebanned from the Internet. According to veteran courtwatchers, eight Justices are leaning toward a ban,with one against. [Norm strokes his chin thoughtfully]Gee, I wonder which one would be against … [Photo ofJustice Clarence Thomas] … a ban on pornography? Letme – Let me see now, there’s … Nah, it wouldn’t behim–
Meanwhile, at the University of Nebraska, computerscientists have developed a version of the Internetthat is up to one hundred times faster than thecurrent system. According to analysts, those using thenew system to log on to America Online will now bedisconnected in three one thousandths of a second.[mild reaction and then some applause] … You everget on a computer? You know anything aboutthem?
In Congress, members of the House Women’s Caucus sayprosecution of sex offenders must be the Army’s toppriority, despite concerns of racial insensitivity onthe part of investigators, which would be the secondpriority. Then, I guess, the Army’s third prioritywould be — defending the nation. …[applause] … You know? That’d be third.
Well, this coming Monday is Oscar night and threefilms, “The English Patient,” “Secrets and Lies” and”Shine” are locked in a tight race in the category:”Best picture there’s not a chance in hell I will eversee.” … No interest at all in seein’ those.
Norm MacDonald: And, now, here with his reviewof the Oscar-nominated movies is the maintenance manat 1410 Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, our old friend,Dominican Lou. Hi, Dominican Lou. [cheers and applauseas we pan over to Dominican Lou, a cheery, mustachioedman with a thick Dominican accent, who smiles andwaves]
Dominican Lou: Gracias, gracias. Thank you,Norm. Thank – thank you for having me on and puttingme here on the show.
Norm MacDonald: Sure.
Dominican Lou: I love to watch the program. Ilove to watch the movies. The “Sling Blade,” the”Eddie Maguire,” and “The English Pages.” … It -It’s a good movie. A lot of people, they enjoy thismovie. They love to see it. They love to see the TomCruise. It’s very good for them.
Norm MacDonald: Uh huh.
Dominican Lou: They like it.
Norm MacDonald: What was your favorite part ofthe movie?
Dominican Lou: I don’t know. I didn’t see it…. I have no time. I’m working all the time, youknow? But I hear it’s a good movie. Is good movie.People in the building, they talking about it a lot.They love the movie. They like to see the movie. Allthe time. They talking about it.
Norm MacDonald: Oh … well, well, that’sgreat. Great. So they liked it, huh?
Dominican Lou: They did not see it yet. …They just talking about it. They was going to see it.It’s very good. My friends. Maybe they get to see themovie and have a good time. They have a nice time.They say they want to see the movie. I don’t go. Iworking all the time. … I – I too busy. I do cleanthe building. Besides, I don’t watch the movie. I – Ilike-a the TV better.
Norm MacDonald: Okay. Well, uh… Hey, what areyour favorite TV shows?
Dominican Lou: I like-a the reruns thebest.
Norm MacDonald: Oh? Oh, what reruns do youlike?
Dominican Lou: It doesn’t matter. As long asit’s reruns.
Norm MacDonald: Well, why would you like thereruns the best?
Dominican Lou: Because then I – I can alreadysay I can already see it and I turn it off and I goback to work.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, okay. Dominican Lou,everybody! [cheers and applause as Lou waves goodbye,Norm shakes his hand] Yeah! Good job. Yeah. [Louexits]
A person who suffers two sharp, powerful blows to thehead within a short period of time can suffer braindamage or even die. This according to a new study inthe medical journal “DUH.” … [cheers andapplause]
This week, a London tabloid published the firstexclusive pictures of Michael Jackson’s baby, secretlytaken by a guest at the King of Pop’s Neverland Ranch.Upon seeing the pictures, Michael said, “This is notmy baby,” then quickly added, “I’m not saying he isn’thot, he’s hot, it’s just not my kid.” … [mixedreaction from crowd, Norm elaborates frantically] “I’mnot saying– He’s a – he’s a very sexy infant, it’sjust not mine.” … “I would love to have sex withhim, he’s just not my child is all I’m saying.”[Norm’s efforts draw a smattering of applause]
This week, pilot Linda Finch marked the sixty yearanniversary of Amelia Earhart’s attempt to fly aroundthe world, by setting out on her own round-the-worldflight. Finch took off on Monday from the sameOakland, California airfield as Earhart, and hopes toreach Europe by next Wednesday. By Sunday evening, ifall goes well, she plans to have mysteriouslydisappeared forever.
In music news, Dr. Jack Kevorkian has performed andrecorded a one-hour CD of his own jazz compositionsfor the flute. You know, Dr. Kevorkian, I’ve, uh, I’velistened to your CD and I’ve got some advice: Don’tquit your day job. All right? You know, murdering oldpeople. Stick with that. Stay away from the flute andstick with the, uh, the murdering old people. Just myadvice.
A report by Assistant Treasury Secretary Jim Johnsonshows that the arrest rate for church arsons is morethan twice the national average for arsons in general.[grows thoughtful, pulls his portable tape recorderfrom his pocket, activates it and speaks into it] Noteto self: Start setting fire to something other thanchurches. … If you can– [shuts off recorder,pockets it, mild applause]
Earlier today, the biggest auction ever of Beatlesmemorabilia took place in Tokyo. Among theone-of-a-kind items on the block were Paul McCartney’sbirth certificate, a white Mercedes-Benz owned by JohnLennon and, rarest of all, a photo of George Harrisonnot looking haggard. … Have you ever seen one? Whenyou think about it?
And the British Sunday Times is reporting that Belgiandoctors have accidentally cloned a human being. Thehuman being? You guessed it — Frank Stallone.[Doctored photo of two Frank Stallones]
Well, Reader’s Digest has released its 1997 list ofthe best and worst places to raise a family in theUnited States. The best place? Sheboygan, Wisconsin.While the worst place in America to raise a family:the Neverland Ranch. [cheers and applause]
Norm MacDonald: “Absolute Power” — ClintEastwood’s film of murder and political corruption –continues its strong showing at the box office. Here,with his review, is Update movie critic and 42ndPresident of the United States, Bill Clinton! [cheersand applause]
Bill Clinton: Thank you and God bless youall… Norm, director Clint Eastwood’s latest filmopens promisingly enough. The President of the UnitedStates, played by Gene Hackman, is having a rendezvouswith his mistress at the home of her wealthy husband.So far, so good. [nods and grins] … But, suddenly,everything goes to hell for the two lovers andfor us the audience. Hearing the sounds of rough sexand believing the President to be in danger, SecretService agents burst in, shooting the President’smistress dead. I almost walked out right then… I’msorry I didn’t, Norm, because this movie is one big,steaming piece of pony loaf… I did not like thismovie.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, whoa-whoa, Mr. President.It couldn’t have been that bad.
Bill Clinton: Oh, come on, Norm. It wasthat bad. And what drives me crazy is here you got allthe makings of a great motion picture. You got thePresident of the United States. And an attractiveyoung mistress. And what do they do in the first fif–five minutes? They kill her off! They kill off themistress! Why do that? [lowers voice to a whisper]Why?
Norm MacDonald: Well…
Bill Clinton: [whispers] Why?
Norm MacDonald: Well, what should they havedone–?
Bill Clinton: [whispers] Why?
Norm MacDonald: What should they have donedifferently, Mr. President?
Bill Clinton: Norm, it seems to me, if I weremaking a film about a murder and cover-up at thehighest levels of government, you’d choose a morecompelling victim than the President’smistress.
Norm MacDonald: Like – like who?
Bill Clinton: The President wife! … To me,that’s obviously the way to go. And they blew it.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah.
Bill Clinton: They blew it.
Norm MacDonald: I see what you mean, Mr.President. Yeah, the First Lady, you know, her beingmurdered would be a bigger deal, wouldn’t it?
Bill Clinton: Exactly. If the President’smistress disappeared, who would know? But if the FirstLady were suddenly to vanish, how would the Presidentexplain it? And would the public buy his explanation?If not, what kind of explanation for his wife’sdisappearance would they buy? … Haven’t youever wondered about these things? … Don’t you everthink about stuff like that? [applause]
Norm MacDonald: I guess you’re right. I – I cansee – I can see the possibilities.
Bill Clinton: Aw, come on, it’s obvious toanyone. The First Lady murdered! There’s yourmovie! … But, unfortunately, screenwriter WilliamGoldman would rather kill off a beautiful youngmistress whose only crime was liking roughsex.
Norm MacDonald: Oh! Come on! … Mr. President,come on.
Bill Clinton: Mr. Goldman, if you’re out therewatching, you should be shot … and your body draggedto a park to make it look like a suicide.
Norm MacDonald: Oh-ho! Come on, now… Come on.Come on. Easy there, Mr. President. I think you’rebeing a little rough on Mr. Goldman there.
Bill Clinton: Well, uh, well, you didn’t seethis movie, Norm. It was El Stinko. In fact, on ascale of one to ten, I give this gobbler a one. [Cutbriefly to graphic of the Seal of the President of theUnited States with superimposed flashing numeral “1”and horn sound effect]
Norm MacDonald: Okay. Oh, there we go.
Bill Clinton: Yes, sir.
Norm MacDonald: All right, Mr. President, youmade your point. You didn’t like the movie. Anyway,hey, we’re all wondering, how’s the – how’s the kneedoin’? Is it giving you any pain?
Bill Clinton: Oh, not as much as sittin’through “Absolute Power,” Norm. I mean, itreeked.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, I know, you don’t likeit. Okay.
Bill Clinton: I didn’t like this movie.
Norm MacDonald: Okay, fair enough. ThePresident of the United States, everybody! [cheers andapplause]
Bill Clinton: I did not like this movie.[starts to exit]
Norm MacDonald: Danny Wilson, 17th floor! Goodnight, everybody!
[Norm waves and takes the microphone off his necktie.Applause. Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]
Barbara Walters…..Cheri Oteri Cuba Gooding Jr…..Tim Meadows Geoffrey Rush…..Mike Myers Billy Bob Thornton…..Darrell Hammond
Barbara Walters: Good evening and welcome to my Oscar special. This will certainly go down in Oscar history as the year of the independent film.
[show “Jerry Maguire” movie poster]
The only major studio film being considered for Oscar stance is “Jerry Maguire”. And while he’s not from Cuba, he is Good… ding, at what he does, Jr. My first guest: Cuba Gooding Jr.
[cut to Barbara and Cuba sitting down for interview]
Barbara Walters: Cuba?
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Yes, Barbara?
Barbara Walters: Sock it to me. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up. Whatchu talkin’ bout, Willis? And now, Cuba Gooding Jr., show me the money!
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Yeah, that’s right. That’s from “Jerry Maguire”. Now, I’m really happy about the success.
Barbara Walters: And aren’t you happy that all of America loves saying “show me the money”?
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Well, I don’t know about that, but I’m happy, you know, to be moving on to other projects.
Barbara Walters: Ooh, did you ask your agent then to show you the money?
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Seriously, stop. Say that again and I’m gonna show you the door.
Barbara Walters: Well, apparently all of my phrases revolve around the phrase “show me the money” and since I’m unable to adlib, I’ll show myself out. On Oscar night, let’s hope the Academy shows you the Oscar!
[Cuba gets up and chases Barbara]
[show “Shine” movie poster]
Barbara Walters: You could say that the Academy has definitely taken a “Shine” to Geoffrey Rush. His powerful portrayal of piano prodigy David Helfgott is the premier Oscar pick. Some say Geoffrey Rush’s acting is so convincing that he should be up for an Oscar and a Grammy.
[cut to Barbara and Geoffrey’s interview]
Barbara Walters: Geoffrey, I’m going to rush right into this. You, Geoffrey Rush, are Australian. Your character, David Helfgott, also Australian. Happy coincedence?
Geoffrey Rush: Australia-Australia-ha-ha! [indistinct talking] [gets up to feel Barbara’s breasts]
[show “Sling Blade” movie poster]
Barbara Walters: My next guest is Billy Bob Thornton, whose touching portrayal in the movie “Sling Blade” has the critics buzzing. Horton may hear a who, but Thornton may hear a hooray on Oscar night. I caught up with Billy Bob in his shack behind his house somewhere in Arkansas.
[cut to Billy Bob and Barbara’s interview]
Barbara Walters: Billy Bob, how were you able to create Karl, the simple yet misunderstood character who was completely like yourself?
Billy Bob Thornton: I reckon you could make me some French-fried potaters, mm-hmm.
Barbara Walters: Well, I’m not much of a cook, but I am hungry… for a genius named Billy Bob Thornton to show us his true self.
Billy Bob Thornton: I reckon you could show me the money!
Barbara Walters: Come on, Billy Bob, surely you can say something about being nominated for an Oscar?
Billy Bob Thornton: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 22: Episode 17 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
April 12th, 1997 Rob Lowe Spice Girls None Joe Pesci Robert De Niro NightlineSummary: Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond) conducts a satellite interview with Marshall Applewhite (Will Ferrell) and the Heaven’s Gate cult members. Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel. Transcript
Montage
Rob Lowe’s MonologueSummary: After finding the diary he left behind the first time he hosted, Rob Lowe reads the 80’s-themed entries inside of it. Transcript
KedsSummary: The shoes worn by level-headed Christians on their journey into their next life. Transcript
The Joe Pesci ShowSummary: Eric Roberts (Rob Lowe) and David Spade (Chris Kattan) are administered beatings from Joe Pesci (Jim Breuer) and Robert De Niro (Colin Quinn). The real Joe Pesci and Robert De Niro then make a surprise visit, and neither are impressed with the exaggerated impressions of themselves. Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci, Robert De Niro. Note: It was planned for Alec Baldwin to reprise his two-time Robert De Niro impression, but scheduling conflicts prevented his appearance, so Colin Quinn took over the role instead. Note: The “surprise” of the cameos by the real Joe Pesci and Robert De Niro was only a surprise for anyone who hadn’t read the internet or listened to a radio during the lead-up week, as their scheduled appearance received considerable coverage in the media throughout the week. Transcript
Food, Sex, or Cars?!Summary: Game show contestants choose the most desirable object among food, sex and cars. Recurring Characters: Suel Forrester. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: In an animated adventure by Robert Smigel, the X-Presidents summon the ghost of Richard Nixon to aid in their rescue of Vice-President Al Gore from a group of aliens. Transcript
NBC Lesbian ProgrammingRecurring Characters: Mickey The Dyke.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldNote: Norm MacDonald delivers the fake news solo, without any guest commentaries. Note: Norm MacDonald accidentally drops the F-bomb between jokes, and thus speculates on his being fired.
Spice Girls performs “Wannabe”
PerspectivesSummary: While interviewing baseball player Jermaine Allensworth (Tracy Morgan), Lionel Osbourne (Tim Meadows) can’t seem to comprehend the significance of Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier fifty years earlier. Recurring Characters: Lionel Osbourne. Transcript
La Politica Non Correcto
Spice Girls performs “Say You’ll Be There”
Janet Blaum’s RantSummary: Though she’s fueled with anger, waitress Janet Blaum (Ana Gasteyer) is ineffective in telling off her boss (Rob Lowe). Recurring Characters: Janet Blaum. Transcript
Jim Oliver…..Rob Lowe Kyle Richards…..Will Ferrell Brad Robert…..Jim Breuer
Announcer: Which would you rather have: a lobster dinner, CindyCrawford, or a brand new Porsche?
Audience: The Porsche!!
Announcer: That’s correct! And that how you play.. “Food, Sex, or Cars?!” And now, here’s your host: Ji-i-im Oliver!
Jim Oliver: [ rushes out ] Hello, and welcome! It’s time once againfor the game where you have to decide which is best – food, sex, orcars? Let’s meet our contestants! Kyle Richards is a fraternity brother atSouth Carolina College. [ Kyle runs out ] Good to have you here, Kyle.
Kyle Richards: TKE rules!
Jim Oliver: Yes, it does. Contestant #2: Brad Robert! [ Brad runsout ] Brad is from Deleware, where he is a Pop-a-Shot repeairman.
Brad Robert: It’s good to be here, Jim!
Jim Oliver: Okay. Well, let’s see how the game works. Three choiceswill appear on the Food, Sex, or Car board. The contestant must decide whichof the three is the most desirable: the food, the sex, or the car. And ifyou’re right, you get $100. For instance: [ game board spins ] ..a tacosalad, Kelly LeBrock, or a Jaguar. And the answer would be: Kelly LeBrock.Okay? Got it? Good! And, as always, all of our answers have beenpre-determined by a world-class thinktank of psychologists, physicists,crptiosimitists, and other really smart people. Okay, let’s start! Kyle,it’s your turn!
Kyle Richards: Alright! Whoo-hoo!!
Jim Oliver: Let’s go, Kyle! Your choices are: [ game board spins ]..potato skins, Connie Chung, and a Pontiac Bonneville. Which will it be:the food, the sex, or the car?
Kyle Richards: Oh, man.. that’s a sweet-ass Bonneville.. butConnie Chung is a honey..
Jim Oliver: Time is running out.
Kyle Richards: Then again, I never turn down some tasty potatoskins.. think! Think! I’m gonna have to say Connie Chung!
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: That is correct!
Kyle Richards: Yeah!
Jim Oliver: You’re up $100. Brad, it’s your turn. Your choicesare: [ game board spins ] ..a hero, the blonde sister from Heart, or aFirebird.
Brad Robert: Ah, this is a tough one! Firebirds are cool.. but I’mgonna have to say.. a hero!
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Right! We’ve got a barnburner here! tie game. Kyle,it’s your turn.. [ game board spins ] ..a cheese calzone, Carly Simon, anAstro van.
Kyle Richards: Ohh, this is hard! I can carry my hockey net in thatAstro van.. uh.. I love that song, “Anticipation”.. Is it Carly Simon?
[ wrong answer buzzer heard ]
Jim Oliver: Ohhhh.. the answer was Cheese Calzone. I’m sorry, Kyle.Brad, you’ve got a chance to grab the bull by the horn. Your choices are:[ game board spins ] ..pork dumplings, Sade, or a dune buggy.
Brad Robert: Definitely Sade!
[ wrong answer buzzer heard ]
Jim Oliver: No, I’m sorry. The answer was a Dune Buggy.
Brad Robert: [ aghast ] Oh, no way! Anybody would rather have Sadethan a dune buggy..
Jim Oliver: No, I’m sorry, Brad.. because even though Sade is veryexotic, you just can’t underestimate how cool it would be to jump over asand dune in a cool buggy! Ha ha ha! Let’s move on. Kyle: [ game boardspins ] ..garlic bread, Martha Stewart, or a Postal van.
Kyle Richards: [ thinking ] Oh! I know this one! Garlic Bread! [ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Yes! Yes! Back to you, Brad: [ game board spins ] ..ahead of lettuce, Shirley Hemphill, or a ’79 Pinto.
Brad Robert: [ perplexed ] I.. have no idea.. uh.. a head oflettuce..?
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Yes! Brad has the lead! Kyle: [ game board spins ] ..anorange circus peanut, Bea Arthur, or a Dodge Dart. Go!
Kyle Richards: [ stunned ] What?
Jim Oliver: Come on, please.. you must guess! Kyle Richards: I don’t want to eat, have sex, or drive any of those things..
[ wrong answer buzzer heard ]
Jim Oliver: I’m sorry. Quick, Brad, you can grab this round!
Brad Robert: Well, I know it’s not Bea Arthur! Is it a..circus peanut?
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Yes! Yes! Okay, the choices are coming fast now: [ game board spins ] ..a raw egg, Betty Ford, or the Beverly Hillbillies’ truck.
Kyle Richards: Oh.. this is hard.. Hillbillies’ truck! [ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Yes! Yes! Yes! [ game board spins ] A can of beets, Estelle Getty, or a bobcat with a saddle on its back.
Brad Robert: Uh.. the beets!
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Yes! [ game board spins ] Army rations, Squeaky Fromme, or a boogieboard.
Kyle Richards: Boogieboard!
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Yes! Yes! [ game board spins ] A bucket of lard,She-Hulk, or the Hindenburg.
Brad Robert: She-Hulk!
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Yes! That is correct, and we have a winner! Brad, you walk away with $500! Well, that’s all the time we have for today.. so remember, no matter how noble and spiritual you think the human race is, all we really care about is.. Food, Sex, or Cars?! That’s right!
Struck by a hurricane-powered dose of radiation while appearing at a celebrity golf tournament, our four former presidents are charged with powers and strengths, rendering them all the more extraordinary!
Gerald Ford! [ spins through a brick wall ]
Jimmy Carter! [ kicks giant ant ]
Ronald Reagan! [ throws fireball at terrorist with gun ]
George Bush! [ shoots bow and arrow to lasso an alien ]
Pitting their arsenal of phenomenal powers against Earthling and interplanetary foes alike, the fabulous foursome for right against might.
X-Presidents!
[ cut to exterior Brazilian mansion, Vice-President Al Gore in attendance with Brazilian government officials ]
Al Gore: This is a wonderful surprise, El Presidnete! I’m delighted that you want to host another environmental summit.
Brazilian Official: Si, vice-President Gore! In Brazil, we believe in preserving nature.
[ Gore steps in front of a tree with branches outstretched ]
Al Gore: I can see, by your wonderful flora! [ suddenly, the tree comes to life and scoops Gore up in its branch-arms ] Hey!
[ the Brazilian government officials lift their masks to reveal that they are alien beings ]
Head Alien: Ha ha! Stupid Earthling! We will use you to lure your foolish president!
Al Gore: [ struggling to free himself ] Try the X-Presidents. [ presses the X-Presidents signal on his watch ]
[ a signal beams toward a mysterious volcano. Inside, X-President Jimmy Carter mans a control board, with screens revealing the whereabouts of Ford, Reagan, and Bush. ]
Jimmy Carter: Vice-President, Condition Red. Rendezvous Sector: C for Charlie, A for Astro, D for Double.
Ronald Reagan: Let’s roll.
Gerald Ford: Roger.
George Bush: Wilco.
Announcer: Within minutes: from land — [ Ford flies above golf course ] sea — [ Reagan swims across ocean ] and air — [ Bush parachutes downward, then flies across to join Reagan, Ford, and Carter in the X-Presidents jet ] the brave chief executive warriors join forces.
[ cut back to a pair of the evil trees tossing Gore between them, as the aliens relay their scheme ]
Head Alien: Ha ha ha! Disguised as your platform, we will poison your puny environment!
Alien: Planet H-41 will rule!
[ suddenly, the X-Presidents come crashing in ]
Head Alien: [ with fists clenched ] The X-Presidents!
George Bush: Read my lips: your ass is grass!
[ Bush goes mano-a-mano against an alien, and KO’s him ]
Ronald Reagan: [ waves his fists in front of an evil bush ] Just say No.. to pissing me off! [ punches the bush and wraps a branch around it ]
Head Alien: Activate the Magno-beam!
[ the Magno-beam is turned on and pointed at the X-Presidents, who wince upon being hit ]
Head Alien: Ha! You Earthlings are too weak to reject its evil essence!
Jimmy Carter: I.. only feel the malaise..
George Bush: Hold on, Jerry..
Gerald Ford: I.. must.. destroy! [ begins knocking down trees as the evil foliage watches with glee ] I.. must.. destroy! I.. must.. destroy!!
Ronald Reagan: Ford.. foreign policy.. weak! Got to.. summon.. help!
[ Reagan flips the re-animating button ]
Announcer: Flipping the re-animating button, President Reagan sends a signal to Yorba Linda, California, where help is waiting.
[ the signal reaches the tomb of Richard Nixon, whose ghost bursts outward ]
Richard Nixon: I am not a crook! I’m a killing machine! [ the ghost of Checkers the dog bursts out behind Nixon ] Checkers! Away! [ they fly to the rescue ]
Ronald Reagan: Bush! Track down and break up the Magno-beam’s source! Carter! Hold off the trees ’til Nixon gets here!
[ Nixon flies in ]
Richard Nixon: Let me make this perfectly clear cut!
[ Nixon spins among the evil trees and slices them in half ]
[ Nixon them flies into the group of aliens holding onto the Magno-beam ]
Richard Nixon: Sock it! To me?!
[ the aliens take a tumble into the path of the Magno-beam, and they explode ]
Richard Nixon: A-wayyyyyy!!!
[ Nixon flies back to his tomb, as the X-Presidents wave farewell ]
[ dissolve to the Oval Office ]
President Bill Clinton: You, and X-President Nixon, have bailed us out once again.
Ronald Reagan: History will surely look kindly on him, now.
Gerald Ford: Sorry I got a little out of control, back there.
President Bill Clinton: That’s okay, Mr. Ford. We grant you a full pardon!
[ Clinton and the X-Presidents laugh ]
[ dissolve to the X-Presidents playing instruments and singing in the style of The Archies ]
X-Presidents: [ singing ] “Let’s all get together, be happy now Let’s all get together, be true! I don’t want to fight with your country any more Let’s sit down, negotiate!
I had a girl, she wouldn’t sign my treaty I said, “I opened Red China, baby listen to me!”
Come on!
Let’s all get together, be happy now Let’s talk it out until we turn blue! Let’s not leave this table with nothing, nowI just want to say I made progress with you!”
[ multiple flash shots of Marshall Applewhite and the dead Heaven’s Gate cultists are shown from inside their compound. All close-up shots reveal that they are wearing Nike sneakers. ]
[ SUPER: “Keds. Worn by level headed Christians.” ]
Rob Lowe: Thanks! Thanks! God, it’s great to be back here! I mean, the last time that I hosted this show was back in 1990, and there was just so much going on then, that it turns out I left my diary here. Yeah. And today, one of the prop guys gave it back to me. So, now, I kept this diary all through the 1980’s, and I thought it might be fun if I took a look back to see what I was up to then. Shall we?
“June 4th, 1984. It’s my first day of shooting on “The Outsiders”. I’m working with these actors named Patrick Swayze, Matt Dillon and Tom Cruise. Let me tell you, this pack of no-names is gonna be out of the business in five years. There is, however, this kid named C. Thomas Howell. I think we’ll be hearing big things from him. P.S.: Irene Cara broke up with me. She returned my Katrina & The Waves album, so that was good.”
“October 3rd, 1985. I’m in my trailer on the set of “St. Elmos’ Fire”, going over the script. If, in the next scene, Judd Nelson flips his collar up, I think I’m gonna flip mine up, too. I went to see U2 at Red Rocks. They have so much integrity, they’llnever sell out.”
“January 12th, 1986. I’m depressed, because last night at a Flock of Seagulls concert, Corey Hart spilled a Kamikazee on my parachute pants.”
“March 11th, 1986. I have been in bed for days, because Andrew McCarthy beat me out for the lead in the movie “Mannequin”. That movie is gonna be the next “Godfather”.”
“November 12th, 1986. I played ColecoVision all night with the Thompson Twins. I think one of them stole my Rubik’s Cube.”
“January 12th, 1987. Last night, I got in a fight with Salami from “The White Shadow”. I was gonna punch his face in, but then it got broken up by the keyboard player from Scritti Politti.”
“August, 1988. I’m at the Democratic National Convention. I’m on my way to the Youth For Dukakis Rally. It promises to be a night I’ll never forget.”
That’s all we have time for, I’m afraid. We have a great show tonight, the Spice Girls are here! We’ll be right back!
Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond Marshall Applewhite…..Will Ferrell Cult Member #1…..Tim Meadows Cult Member #2…..Jim Breuer Zantar…..Mark McKinney
Announcer: This is ABC News, “Nightline”. Reporting from Washington, Ted Koppel.
Ted Koppel: Good evening, and welcome to a very special edition of “Nightline”, where we’re following a truly extraordinary breaking story. We’re all familiar by now with the story of Marshall Applewhite and the Heaven’s Gate cult – 39 lost souls following a deranged pied piper to an untimely end. Or so it seemed, until two days ago when ABC News began receiving strange microwave transmissions from deep space. With the help of NASA scientists, at 11:00 this evening, we were able to decipher these signals, and so nowe, live via satellite from the alien spacecraft, is alien cult leader Marshall Applewhite.
[ monitor image fades in and out until we see Marshall Applewhite and members of his cult cheering while surrounded by aliens inside a spaceship ]
Marshall Applewhite: We made it!! We made it!!
Ted Koppel: Marshall Applewhite, I take my hat off to you, you were right about everything – the comet, the spaceship, everything. Congratulations on a job well done.
Marshall Applewhite: Well, Ted, I really appreciate that. But I gotta tell you, when I set down that glass of Phenabarbatol, I had a moment of “Marshall! Not good!” But I knew then it was Go-Time, so I said, “What the hell?” and rolled the dice, and guess what? We came out on top, and it feels pretty darn good, right gang?
Cult Member #1: I just want to give a shout out to all my homies back at the “Deep Space Nine” fan club!
Ted Koppel: How have you been getting along with your alien hosts aboard the spacecraft?
Marshall Applewhite: They have just been wonderful! Their hospitality, fantastic! Of course, their food leaves a little something to be desired! [ laughs ] When Zantar’s wife makes her space casserole, I wish I could kill myself again! [ Zantar zaps him with a prod ] I’m just kidding, Zantar! Actually, his wife has been incredible!
Ted Koppel: Uh-huh.. alright. So, this whole killing yourself thing has really turned out to be a home run for you. Tell me, are there any regrets?
Marshall Applewhite: Yeahhh.. the castration thing.. I was way off on that one, Ted! It turns out it had nothing to do with anything. In fact, when we got here, everyone just looked at me like, “Applewhite, you nutball!”
Cult Member #2: Yeah, but he’s our nutball!
Cult Member #1: “Deep Space Nine”!
Ted Koppel: Marshall Applewhite, what are your plans for the future?
Marshall Applewhite: We’re not gonna mess with a good thing, Ted. We’re just gonna keep on folloing this comet around and partying.
Zantar: [ starts chanting ]
Marshall Applewhite: Oh, by the way, Ted, Zantar wanted to say something to yourviewers.. if that’s alright?
Air Date:
NightlineSummary: Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond) conducts a satellite interview with Marshall Applewhite (Will Ferrell) and the Heaven’s Gate cult members.
