Spartan Cheerleaders

Spartan Cheerleaders

C.J…..Pamela Lee
Hobie…..Chris Kattan
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Arianna…..Cheri Oteri
Dirk…..Jim Breuer

[FADE IN on stock footage of a crowded beach, then FADE to C.J. sitting on a lifeguard chair and wearing a bright red bathing suit. She peers through a pair of binoculars at the water while Hobie jogs up to her.]

Hobie: How’s it looking out there, C.J.?

C.J.: Well, Hobie, things look under control for now, but I’m gonna keep an eye on that undertow.

Hobie: [pointing to side] Hey, what’s going on over there?

C.J.: What, the volleyball tournament?

Hobie: No, those two spazoids off to the sides!

[CUT to Craig and Arianna on the beach in their Spartans uniforms. They wear white zinc oxide on their noses and start a cheer.]

Craig: Oooh!

Arianna: Oh!

One-piece, two-piece, string bikini!
Who you think you are, “I Dream of Jeannie”?
You can blink for your master,
Or cry to Major Healy!

Arianna: You think you’re gonna win?

Craig: Uh-uh, not really!

[They press their palms over their heads like a genie and hum the “I Dream of Jeannie” theme song.]

Daaaa-da, da da da da da da! Get back in your bottle!

[Several beachgoers run lazily in front of the Spartans as they jump and scream.

Craig: Okay. Okay.

[Out of breath, they sit down and towel off their faces.]

Craig: Arianna, I’m sweating buckets! I don’t care what anyone says – wool does not breathe. Are you sweating?

Arianna: Craig, girls don’t sweat – they glow!

Craig: Oh.

Arianna: [grinning] And I’m glowing like a pig! CRAIG!

[both burst out laughing]

Arianna: Craig! Aren’t away games cool beans?

Craig: I’ll say. The only thing better was getting to see “Problem Child 2” on the plane.

Arianna: Yeah. I’m sorry, but John Ritter is sex on a stick!

Craig: Oh. And I’m sorry you threw up.

Arianna: Oh, that’s okay. Thanks for holding my hair.

Craig: No problem… child… two.

Arianna: [squealing] Craig! God! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Craig: [looking in distance] Oh, my God! Troy’s serve is poetry in motion!

Arianna: Dirk is about to spike the BALL!!! Okay.

Craig: Okay.

Arianna: Okay, okay, okay.

Craig: Okay.

[Craig stands up with arms at his sides while Arianna scrambles behind him.]

Craig: Ladies and gentlemen: the Spike Girls! [starts rolling his hands]Yoooooooooo, tell me what you want, what you really, really want!

Arianna: [dances out from behind him] I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want! I wanna–

Craig: Hoo!

Arianna: I wanna–

Craig: Hoo!

Arianna: I wanna–

Craig: Hoo!

Arianna: I wanna–

Craig: Hoo!

If you wanna be a Spartan, [clapping]Better know how to spike the ba-aall!
Too bad you got sand in your crack,
Better put out a booty call!
Calling aaaaaaaallll booo-tyyyyyyyyyyyys!

[A volleyball suddenly flies in. Arianna catches it and disappears off camera.]

Craig: Uh, uh, hey! Who’s that Spartan with junk in the trunk?

Arianna: [dances in with volleyball stuffed underneath her skirt] It’s me! It’s me!

Craig: I said, who’s that Spartan with junk in the trunk?

Arianna: It’s me! It’s me!

Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!
Wide load! WHOOOOO!!!

Arianna: Come on, let’s get the message!!

[Dirk runs up to them in disgust.]

Arianna: Dirk!!

Craig: Dirk!!

Dirk: All right, all right, all right, all right! I can’t BELIEVE you followed us to California! You two pathetic LOSERS, and now you have this vicious B.O. ‘cause you’re wearing sweaters on the beach! Duhhh!

Arianna: Ohhhhhhhhhh!

[He waves his hand back and forth, and the cheerleaders sniff their ownarmpits.]

Arianna: [cheerfully] We are a little gamey.

Craig: Yeah.

Dirk: I’m gonna go in the water to cool off. And DON’T FOLLOW me! [runs off]

Arianna: We won’t! ‘Cause you’re not the Pied Piper of us!

Craig: Yeah!

[ENTER C.J. carrying a red floater and a walkie-talkie.]

C.J.: Hey, you guys, is everything okay over here? I thought I heard an argument.

Craig: Oh, no. There was no argument. Dirk just hates us.

Arianna: Yeah.

C.J.: Well, if you need anything, I’m C.J., and I’m the lifeguard for this section of the beach.

Arianna: C.J.! Your hair is awesome!!

Craig: Yes.

Arianna: Can I ask? Sun-in or lemon juice?

C.J.: [smiling] Lemon juice.

Arianna: I could die!!

C.J.: You guys wanna take off those sweaters?

Craig: Oh, thanks for your concern, C.J., but I’ve got back hair.

C.J.: Okay.

Arianna: And I stuff, and I stuff my sports bra. Plus, we’re a little gamey.

[They each lift an arm.]

Craig: Yeah.

C.J.: WHOO!!

Dirk: [off camera] Help me! A lifeguard! Help!!

C.J: [looks over in alarm] Oh, no, the undertow is taking him way beyond the breakers! [into walkie-talkie] Code 6, code 6! I’m in front of Station 14! We got a swimmer going under! [tosses floater away] I’m out!

[C.J. runs ahead right past the camera.]

Arianna: [shrieking] Oh, my God! HOLD ON, DIRK!!! HOLD ON!! Oh, my God…

Craig: [hollering] Good luck, C.J.!! Your hair’s even more beautiful when it bounces up and down!!

Arianna: [picks up floater] Craig! C.J. forgot–she forgot her red floaty thing! The tide will pull her and Dirk under without even asking!!!

Craig: [knowingly] You know what they need?

Arianna: The perfect cheer?

Craig: No. Not yet. They need a couple of kids with spirit and a little junior lifeguard training. [grabs floater]

Arianna: [grinning] Ohhhhhh! Let’s rock and roll!!!

[Laughing, she grabs a floater and runs off with Craig. FADE to a 30-second film of Craig and Arianna running on a beach while the “Baywatch” theme plays in the background. They sprint heroically right into the waves, and then FADE back to the set, where a soaked Arianna is dragging Dirk by the neck.]

Dirk: [furious] Get off me! You’re CHOKING me!

[While he frees himself and darts off, a soaked Craig carries C.J.’s limp body in his arms.]


Craig: [bending over C.J.] Arianna, I need your help!

Arianna: Okay! I got her!

Craig: Help on the double!

Arianna: Okay!

[Craig bends over C.J.’s face and begins to perform mouth-to-mouth. Arianna grabs her by the ankles and pumps her legs toward her head.]

Arianna: One…

[Craig breathes into C.J.’s mouth.]

Arianna: Two…

[Craig breathes into her mouth again. C.J. suddenly comes to, squirms, and twists her face away from Craig’s.]

C.J.: Craig! I don’t like you like that, okay?

Arianna: [toward audience] SHE’S OKAY, CRAIG!!

Craig: She’s okay! Oh…

[C.J. rises to her feet and addresses them calmly.]

C.J.: Craig, Arianna, you were both amazing. A couple quick tips.

Arianna: Okay.

C.J.: Craig, when performing mouth-to-mouth, it’s not necessary to use your tongue.

Craig: [embarrassed] Uhhh!

C.J.: Okay? And Arianna, when saving a victim, it’s best not to scream, “We’re all gonna die.”

Arianna: I thought I saw a sand crab.

C.J.: [looks off in alarm] Oh, my God! David Hasselhoff is doing a free concert and people are trying to drown themselves! I gotta go, bye! [runs off]

Arianna: Okay. Oh, my God!

Craig: Good luck, C.J.!!

Arianna: Good luck, C.J.! Craig! You think she needs our help?

Craig: No, jellyfish-brain! What she really needs is…

Craig and Arianna: [look at each other] The perfect cheer!!

Arianna: [grinning] Ohhhhhhh, Craig!

[Craig hits a button on the boom box, and “I Like it like That” starts playing. The two do a vaguely Latin drill team routine for about 30 seconds. Arianna spins into Craig’s arms, and he dips her. Finally, he picks up a toy beach pail and a shovel, places the shovel in her mouth like a rose, and puts the pail on his head while they samba offstage. FADE to black over applause.]

Thanks to Joe for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

The Twilight Zone

The Twilight Zone

Rod Serling…..Norm MacDonald
Doctor…..Will Ferrell
Janet Tyler…..Pamela Lee
Nurse…..Molly Shannon
Intern #1…..Jim Breuer
Intern #2…..Chris Kattan

Rod Serling V/O: Submitted for your approval: the case of one Miss Janet Tyler, a hideous disfigured woman hoping for one last chance at a medical miracle. Today, her bandages come off. But we must not be surprised by what we see, for beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Even in.. “The Twilight Zone”.

[ open on Doctor, Nurse, and two Interns with their backs to the camera as they look down upon a woman with bandages wrapped around her face ]

Doctor: Well, Miss Tyler, today is the day.

Janet Tyler: Did the procedure work? I’ve got to know.

Doctor: There is no guarantee. I wish you the best of luck.

[ Doctor removes Janet’s bandages. Her face is flawless, beautiful in every way. ]

Doctor: Dear God!

[ Doctor, Nurse, two Interns turn around to reveal pig faces ]

Nurse: [ alarmed ] Oh, Doctor.. she’s.. she’s..

Doctor: She.. is.. hot!

Nurse: What?!

Intern #1: Damn! She’s hot! Whoo!

Intern #2: Yeah!!

Janet Tyler: So.. the procedure worked..?

Intern #2: Damn right it did! You’re a hottie!

Nurse: No, she’s not! Don’t you get it? We all have pig faces!

Doctor: [ not getting it ] Ri-ight.

Nurse: And everyone else in the world has pig faces!

Doctor: [ not interested ] Uh-huh..?

Nurse: So she’s a freak!

Intern #1: Except, she’s hot!

Doctor: Real hot! I’ll be honest.. it’s gonna be hard to go home to my pig-faced wife after seeing her.

Nurse: Listen.. she’s a freak because she doesn’t look like a pig!

Doctor: I wish you could hear what you sound like right now.

Janet Tyler: [ troubled ] What’s going on here, Doctor? Did the procedure work or not?

Doctor: [ chuckling ] Oh, yeah, it worked, all right! The nurse obviously has sme kind of chip on her shoulder.

Intern #2: Who can blame her? She had to grow up with that hideous pig face all her life!

Nurse: So did you! You’re not getting it! You men are deluding this poor woman! [ sympathetic, to Janet ] I hate to do this to you, Miss Tyler, but.. you have to know the truth. [ holds up mirror ] Look.

[ music sting, as Janet screams ]

Janet Tyler: I don’t look like any of you!

Nurse: There, there, dear.. don’t worry..

Janet Tyler: Don’t worry?! [ excited ] I’m thrilled! I’m hot!

Intern #2: There you have it, Nurse Pig!

Nurse: Look. Calling me a pig is not an insult. Everyone looks like a pig!

Intern #1: Pig!

Nurse: That.. doesn’t bother me.

Intern #2: Pig.

Doctor: Pig.

Intern #1: Piggie piggie!

Nurse: [ annoyed ] Stop it! Stop it!!

Intern #2: Oink, oink! Oinker!

Nurse: Listen to me! Beauty depends on who holds the standards. Deviation from the norm will always be shunned, no matter what it looks like. Truly.. beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Doctor: Yeah.. but she’s hot!

[ Doctor and interns high-five Janet ] [ Rod Serling re-enters the scene ]

Rod Serling: So, there you have it. Something what is beautiful to one is not beautiful to another. As this woman learned when she.. well.. she didn’t really learn anything. And neither did we. Frankly, usually I try to have some kind of ironic twist or moral in these things, but.. I got nothing this time, because that woman was hot! In “The Twilight Zone”.

SNL Transcripts