SNL Transcripts: Jeff Goldblum: 05/17/97

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

May 17th, 1997

Jeff Goldblum

En Vogue


  • Nightline

    Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel.

  • Jeff Goldblum’s Monologue

    Goldblum endures Jim Breuer’s dinosaur impressions.

  • Big Brawn Feminine Napkins

    (Repeat) See: 09/28/96.

  • Mary Katherine Gallagher

    Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) has perfect match in departing teacher (Goldblum).

    Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

  • Space, The Infinite Frontier

    Harry Caray (Will Ferrell) would eat the moon if it were made of ribs.

    Recurring Characters: Harry Caray.

  • TV Funhouse

    “Fun With Real Audio” uncovers tue meaning of “talk show trash”.

  • Goth Talk

    Recurring Characters: Circe Nightshade, Azrael Abyss.

  • Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

    Recurring Characters: Lenny the Lion.

  • En Vogue performs “Don’t Let Go”

  • Kennedy Kapers

    Members of the Kennedy Family compete on game show.

    Recurring Characters: Ted Kennedy.

  • Larry King’s News & Views I

    Larry King (Norm MacDonald) further dispenses odd statements.

    Recurring Characters: Larry King.

  • Take This Job And Shove It!

    Janet Blaum (Ana Gasteyer) fails to tell off union boss (Goldblum) successfully.

    Recurring Characters: Janet Blaum.

  • Vic Ocasek’s Rock & Roll Fantasy Camp

    Vic Ocasek’s (Goldblum) rock-and-roll camp features only former rock stars.

  • Jerry “Steve” Dave

    Jerry Steve Dave (Tim Meadows) provides for a strange job interview.

  • Larry King’s News & Views II

    Larry King (Norm MacDonald) voices more personal thoughts.

    Recurring Characters: Larry King.

    SNL Transcripts

  • Movie Set

    Movie Set

    David…..Mark McKinney
    Herself/Mrs. Johnson…..Pamela Lee
    Actor/Lawyer…..Will Ferrell
    Tommy Lee/Himself…..Norm MacDonald
    …..The Real Tommy Lee

    [FADE IN on an office set. A lawyer sits behind a desk while Pamela Lee sits in the chair opposite. David, the director, stand above them.]

    David: Okay, Pam, this is your big scene, so I want you to try and pretend that it’s all real. Okay?

    [Both actors nod]

    David: You ready, guys?

    Actor: Yes.

    Pam: Yeah.

    David: [walks off] All right, let’s go for it. And… action!

    [A brief, dramatic horn line plays as Pam leans forward toward the desk.]

    Mrs. Johnson: [enunciating carefully] Do you think I will win my case?

    Lawyer: Well, Mrs. Johnson–

    [Suddenly, Norm Macdonald, dressed as Tommy Lee, walks into the scene. He wears a white tank-top T-shirt, and his arms are festooned with tattoos.]

    Tommy: Hey, babe! I-I-I’m going to the store. You want me to pick up somethin’?

    Pam: Tommy!

    David: Cut!

    Tommy: [in realization] Oh, I’m sorry, dudes, man, I totally zoned! I didn’t know you were shooting!

    David: Okay, look, that’s okay, Mr. Lee. But please, just stay OFF the set? Okay?

    Tommy: Okay.

    [He grins, points his fingers at the director, and runs off.]

    David: All right. Let’s try it again, all right? And… action!

    [music sting]

    Mrs. Johnson: Do you think I will win my case?

    Lawyer: Well, Mrs. Johnson, justice isn’t blind, but sometimes it needs a pair of bifocals. [winks] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

    [Tommy rushes into the scene and angrily walks up to the lawyer.]

    Tommy: Hey, why’d you wink at my wife?

    Actor: [puzzled] What?

    Tommy: I saw you winking at my wife! Why are you so winky, huh? [shoves him]

    David: Hey, hey! Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!

    Pam: Tommy, what are you doing?

    Tommy: Hey, Pammy, you just stay out of this! Just go in my car and get my gun!

    David: [impatiently] Hey, look. Get, get a hold of yourself please, Mr. Lee, he really isn’t interested in your wife. He’s not a real lawyer, this isn’t a real office, that isn’t even a real window, okay? None of this is REAL.

    [Tommy blinks in confusion and then understands again.]

    Tommy: Oh! Oh! I’m sorry, I, I feel like an idiot!

    [He gives Pam a deep kiss on the lips and walks back off the set.]

    Pam: I’m so sorry, David. He gets like that sometimes.

    David: No, no, no, no, that’s okay, we’re all artists, we’re all emotional, we all like to live out loud. Okay? [walks back behind movie camera] All right, let’s take it from “bifocals.” And… action!

    [music sting]

    Lawyer: Well, Mrs. Johnson, justice isn’t blind, but sometimes it needs a pair of bifocals. [winks] Ah, ha, ha, ha–

    [While the lawyer delivers his line, Tommy shows up in the fake window behind the lawyer. He stares out through it in wonder.]

    David: Cut! Mr. Lee, why are you standing in the window?

    Tommy: Oh! I, I thought you couldn’t see me through this window, ‘cause earlier you said that it wasn’t a real window!

    David: No, we can see you. So please MOVE?

    Tommy: Ah! [walks out of sight]

    David: Okay, let’s take it from the top, okay? And… action!

    [music sting]

    Lawyer: Well, Mrs. Johnson–


    [Tommy drives straight at the lawyer and hurls him out of his chair onto the floor. He starts to grab him, but two crew members hustle in and pull him off.]

    Actor: Oh, God, I think he broke my nose!

    Pam: Oh, Tommy, you know this is a movie, right?

    Tommy: Oh, a movie! Yes!! I forgot! Hah! Hey, I didn’t know what happened, I’m sorry, there, hey, amigo, no hard feelings, huh, buddy? [shakes lawyer’s hand]

    Actor: Apology accepted. I’m actually a big fan of Motley Crue.

    Tommy: [happily] Oh, yeah? Rock ‘n’ roll, man, rock ‘n’ roll!

    Actor: Yeah, and I’ve always really thought your wife was great, too–

    Tommy: [not comprehending] Oh, thanks! [gets it] WHAT?! AGH–

    [Tommy grabs the lawyer by the back of the head and pounds it on the desk over and over.]

    Pam: [jumps up and down frantically] Stop it! Stop it! He doesn’t like me! Tom, he’s gay! He’s gay!

    [Tommy hears her and lets him go.]

    Tommy: Ah!

    Actor: [dazed] I’m very, very gay… [slumps underneath desk]

    Tommy: Oh, I’m sorry. [to Pam] Oh, man, I’m sorry, baby, you know, I just love you so much. You know it gets me crazy, you know…

    [He leans forward and gives Pam a long soul kiss. After a few seconds, the real Tommy Lee, dressed identically to Norm MacDonald, darts onto the set and yanks Norm off her.]

    Real Tommy Lee: Hey! HEY!!

    [When he faces Norm, Tommy stifles a laugh, and the two smirk at each other while the audience cheers.]

    Real Tommy Lee: Get your freakin’ hands off my wife!

    Pam: Baby, we’re just doing a sketch.

    Real Tommy Lee: [coldly] Pammy, stay out of this, baby. Go to my car and get my gun.

    Norm MacDonald: [nervously] Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee, I swear, uh, you know, uh, me and your wife, we’re just acting. [to Pam] Right? T-t-tell him, honey.

    Real Tommy Lee: “Honey”?!

    Norm MacDonald: No, no!

    Real Tommy Lee: What–

    [Tommy Lee starts bashing Norm MacDonald’s head over and over on the desk while Pam slumps and covers her eyes with her hand. FADE to black over applause.]

    Thanks to Joe for this transcript!

    SNL Transcripts