Category: 1996

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 17

96q: Rob Lowe / Spice Girls

Perspectives

Lionel Osbourne…..Tim Meadows
Jermaine Allensworth…..Tracy Morgan

[ an American flag is shown announcing the end of the broadcast day ]

[ WNBC Channel official title card appear ]

V/O: That concludes our broadcast day, but first stay tuned for “Perspectives”.

[ Shot of “Perspectives” set. SUPER: Perspectives ]

V/O: Fulfilling WNBC’s community programming requirements: “Perspectives”, with your host, Lionel Osbourne.

Lionel Osbourne: Good morning! It’s Sunday, 4:52 in the A.M, and that means it’s time for “Perspectives”! I’m your host, Lionel Osbourne. We have a very special guest on our show today. He is basball rookie Jermaine Allensworth, and he’s here to talk about the 50th anniversary celebration of Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier. Welcome, Jermaine!

Jermaine Allensworth: It’s good to be here, Lionel.

Lionel Osbourne: Alright. Now, you are a major league baseball player.

Jermaine Allensworth: Yes. This is my first year in the big leagues, and I thank Jackie robinson for that opportunity. I mean, without him I’d probably be pumping gas somewhere.

Lionel Osbourne: Mmm-hmm! And you play for which team?

Jermaine Allensworth: The Pittsburgh Pirates.

Lionel Osbourne: I see. [ to the camera ] If you’re just joining us, it’s 4:54 in the A.M., and you’re watching “Perspectives.” With us is Jermaine Allenswoeth, who plays for the Pittsburgh Pirates. [ to Jermaine ] Now, that’s in Pennsylvania, right?

Jermaine Allensworth: Yes.

Lionel Osbourne: Mmm-hmm. P.A.!

Jermaine Allensworth: Yeah.

Lionel Osbourne: Now, I understand you were personally affected by Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier?

Jermaine Allensworth: Yes, Lionel. Me, and every other African-American player, coach, and manager. Jackie Robinson forced us and society to judge an athlete by his ability rather than the color of his skin.

Lionel Osbourne: Absolutely! So, what was it like to play with a great outfielder like Jackie Robinson?

Jermaine Allensworth: Uh, I-I never played with Jackie Robinson. He died before I was even born.

Lionel Osbourne: Ter-rif-ic! Now, I understand that, uh, Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier. Were there are black ball players in the major leagues before Jackie Robinson?

Jermaine Allensworth: No. Uh-uh, he was the first. That’s why we say he broke the color barrier.

Lionel Osbourne: I see. So, since Jackie Robinson, have there been any other ball players to break the color barrier?

Jermaine Allensworth: No! You can only break the barrir once, Lionel! I mean, once the barrier has been broken, there’s no longer a barrier!

Lionel Osbourne: Touche! [ to camera ] If you’re just joining us, it’s 4:56 in the A.M., and this is “Perspectives.” I’m your host, Lionel Osbourne. With us today is baseball rookie Jermaine Allensworth, who will be pumping gas if he doesn’t have a good season. [ to Jermaine ] Now, Jermaine, uh – I am not a, uh – I am not a big baseball fan. But, aside from Jackie Robinson, has there been, uh, any other black ball players in the major leagues?

Jermaine Allensworth: Yeah! Yeah, man, there’s been thousands! I mean, I’m black! I mean, so was Willie Mays, and Cecil ?? and Ken Griffey, Jr. I mean, that’s why Jackie Robinson’s fifthieth anniversary is such an important milestone!

Lionel Osbourne: Mmm-hmm. Now, when did. Jackie Robinson break the color barrier?

Jermaine Allensworth: April 15th, 1947!

Lionel Osbourne: And about how many years ago was that?

Jermaine Allensworth: Fifty years! I mean, that’s why we’re celebrating the 50th Anniversary, Lionel!

Lionel Osbourne: Double touche! So, when Jackie Robinson was fnally allowed to play, this must have been a pretty happy experience for him.

Jermaine Allensworth: Actually, no, it wasn’t, Lionel. I mean, every day that Jackie stepped out onto the field – I mean, he was called racist names, and he had things thrown at him while he was out on the field, and some fans even spit on him.

Lionel Osbourne: That is fan-tas-tic!

Jermaine Allensworth: N-no, it’s not fantastic! It was horrible! I mean, some of Jackie’s teammates wouldn’t even talk to him! I mean, they wouldn’t even share a room with him!

Lionel Osbourne: Outta sight!

Jermaine Allensworth: No, it’s not outta sight, it’s tragic! I mean,not only was his own life threatened, I mean, he had family members that were sent death threats on a daily basis!

Lionel Osbourne: Baseball fever – catch it! [ to camera ] Well, that’s all the time we have this morning, and this has been “Perspectives”. I am Lionel Osbourne. I’d like to thank my guest, Jermain Allensworth from the Pittsburgh Pirates, for joining me. Next week on “Perspectives”, my guest will be Jesse Jackson. [ a card is handed to him ] I’m sorry – my guest will be Jermaine Allensworth. Can you come back and do the show?

Jermaine Allensworth: No!

Lionel Osbourne: Outstanding! This has been “Perspectives.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 17

96q: Rob Lowe / Spice Girls

The Joe Pesci Show

Joe Pesci…..Jim Breuer
Robert DeNiro…..Colin Quinn
Eric Roberts…..Rob Lowe
Real Joe Pesci…..Himself
Real Robert DeNiro…..Himself

Announcer: Welcome to the Joe Pesci Show. Here he is now, my brother, Joe Pesci.

[cut to Joe Pesci on the set of his talk show]

Joe Pesci: Hey, everybody! I’m Joe Pesci, huh? Heh heh heh! I got a talk show here! I got a desk! I got a couch! I got a couple of pencils! I got a couple of pulleys! I got everything! It’s the Joe Pesci Show! Oh, before we begin, I’d like to take a moment to wish a happy Passover to all my Hebrew friends! Specifically, my accountant, my lawyer, my assistant, the guys who run the show, the guys who run the network, and the guys who run the World Bank! So to you people I say, ‘Hava Nagila’! Or, whatever it is you people say to each other! Heh heh! Okay! Please welcome my co-host, and Oscar winner, and currently appearing in the movie ‘Marvin’s Room’, Mr. Robert De Niro! [Robert De Niro enters and sits on the couch] Heh heh heh! So, Bobby, how ya doin’?

Robert DeNiro: Very nice, very nice.

Joe Pesci: So, Bobby, speaking of the Oscars, what did you think of the show this year?

Robert DeNiro: Billy Crystal singing? Come on!

Joe Pesci: So, Bobby, in ‘Marvin’s Room’, you makin’ money or what?

Robert DeNiro: A little bit. I’m making a little bit.

Joe Pesci: Ah, come on. Whats a little bit? How much, Bobby?

Robert DeNiro: I don’t know, Joe. I’ll let the Passover guys handle it. Shalom!

Joe Pesci: All right. My next guest starred in ‘The Pope of Greenwich Village’, and ‘Star 80’. Please welcome Mr. Eric Roberts! Bring him out! [Eric Roberts comes out, shakes hands with Robert, then with Joe] Eric, meet Bobby! Sit down! Heh, heh, cool!

Eric Roberts: Joe Pesci, gosh darn freakin’ unbelievable! I mean, Joe Pesci, Robert Freakin’ De Niro! You guys are real big stars! I mean ‘Goodfellas’, ‘Casino’, ‘Raging Bull’….

Robert DeNiro: You’re spittin’ on me!

Joe Pesci: All right, Eric, here, here. While Bobby’s drying off, let me ask you something. Your sister is Julia Roberts, right?

Eric Roberts: Uh, yeah, uh…uh…I

Joe Pesci: Great, great, great. Now tell me, grown-up, did you ever see her naked?

Eric Roberts: Oh, hey, uh, uh, I don’t know, I mean—

Robert DeNiro: Answer the question.

Eric Roberts: Okay, fellas, let me tell you something about my sister Julia. I made a Thanksgiving turkey for her, and she never even showed. I didn’t get a phone call, and when I did, it was from Kiefer Freakin’ Sutherland….[Joe Pesci gets up with a baseball bat, and steps behind Eric Roberts]

Joe Pesci: Okay, all right, that’s all the time we have….

Eric Roberts: Steven Spielberg? He never called me. I mean, listen, I do the fisticuffs movies, and I’m not complaining. But ‘Pretty Woman’? Look, I banged a lot of hookers in my day, and none of them looked like Julia……

Robert DeNiro: Excuse me. Take care.

Eric Roberts: Why? I’m not going anywhere.

Robert DeNiro: Yeah, you are.

[Joe Pesci whacks Eric Roberts in the back]

Joe Pesci: Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh! Hey, Eric, tell your sister to come around, I’d like to hit on her too!

Robert DeNiro: Yeah, don’t spit.

Joe Pesci: Well, that’s our show for tonight. I’m Joe Pesci, this is Robert DeNiro, and I hope—

[The real Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro come out. Jim Breuer and Colin Quinn suddenly break character, becoming nervous and apologetic.]

Jim Breuer: Hey, guys, hey, guys…How are you, how ya doin, guys? How are ya?How ya doin? How are ya?

Real Joe Pesci: You know, week after week, we watch you guys from our living rooms, supposedly imitating Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro. When in fact, when in fact, you are doing caricatures of characters we have played in ‘Goodfellas’ and ‘Raging Bull’. Also, my friend, Mr. DeNiro, has a very extensive vocabulary, and does not speak in one-word sentences, like ‘a little bit’, and ‘over here’. Isn’t that right, Bobby? [The real Robert DeNiro nods] Also, I am actually a very calm, laid-back person. I do not break into lunatic, maniacal rages, when someone says something a little offensive. You know what I mean?

Jim Breuer: Oh, no, no, I know what you mean, Mr. Pesci. Absolutely. I’m just a huge fan of both you guys. This is—I mean—I love all the crazy characters you play. And just, the two of you, this is insane. [to Colin Quinn] Right?

Real Joe Pesci: Crazy? Insane? I mean, did I hear what he just said? Did he say what I thought he just said?

Real Robert DeNiro: I heard things. I heard ‘crazy’.

Real Joe Pesci: I mean, did he just insult us?

Real Robert DeNiro: A little bit. [to Colin Quinn] Who are you supposed to be?

Colin Quinn: [nervously] Colin Quinn, ‘Remote Control’.

Real Joe Pesci: Look, if, uh, if you’re going to continue on this insane behavior of the characters we play, maybe I can help you out. Can I have the bat, please? [Jim Breuer gives the real Joe Pesci the bat] Thank you. You see, if you’re gonna hit someone with a bat, you shouldn’t just go up to them and hit them on the head. I mean, you know, if they’re taller than you, and even if not, you can’t really get any leverage. Understand what I’m sayin’?

Jim Breuer: Sure.

Real Joe Pesci: Let me, let me explain what I’m talkin’ about. Excuse me. [Jim Breuer steps to one side] See, first thing you have to do, is you take the bat, and you hit’em in the knee! [hits Colin Quinn in the knees] Then you hit’em in the head! [hits Colin Quinn in the head, and Jim Breuer in the knees] You understand what I’m talkin’ about? Huh? Huh? Huh? [hits Jim Breuer in the head] Shall we dance, Bob?

[The real Joe Pesci and the real Robert DeNiro start kicking Jim Breuer and Colin Quinn.Robert DeNiro then starts beating Colin Quinn.]

Real Joe Pesci: Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob! Whoa, whoa, whoa!See what happens when you get him started, huh? Now this is the Joe Pesci Show![to the camera] Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off! Get it, Bob!

[Joe Pesci breaks the camera with the bat]

Shut it off! Shut it off!

Submitted by: Victor Magana

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 17

96q: Rob Lowe / Spice Girls

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald

[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk, basking inthe applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald.Now, the fake news. Our top story tonight:

This week, after months of speculation, sitcom starEllen DeGeneres finally admitted that, yes, she’s gay.Inspired by her courage, today, diet guru RichardSimmons admitted that he is really, really, really,really gay.

In a radio interview this week, First Lady HillaryClinton scoffed at “conspiracy nuts,” as she calledthem, obsessed with Whitewater and compared them tocult figures, or cult groups rather, fascinated byUFOs and the Hale-Bopp comet. Although she did concedeone point of similarity between Whitewater andHeaven’s Gate: thirty-nine castrated deadpeople.

Two professors of medicine at Rutgers University saythat they are developing a pill which can give womenorgasms without having sex. [women in the audiencecheer and applaud] Read all about this revolutionarydiscovery in my new book: “The World’s Most DangerousDrug.” … [men cheer and applaud] … The women clapat the premise and the men clapped at thepunchline.

The White House says that surviving relatives of thosewho died in a forty year old federal study whichallowed men infected with syphilis to go untreatedwill get an official apology from President Clinton.According to the President, quote, “If not for thesacrifices of these brave men, I would not be alivetoday.”

On Capitol Hill this week, the House unanimouslypassed a measure which would prevent prison inmatesfrom being counted as household members for purposesof food stamp eligibility. [Norm pulls out his pockettape recorder and speaks into it] Note to self: Uh,find new way of fraudulently obtaining food stamps.[nods decisively and returns recorder topocket]

Recently, a group of Orthodox rabbis declared thatother branches of Judaism are, quote, “not Judaism atall” thus challenging the religious status of millionsof American Jews. This week, that statement wasrejected by Reform leader Rabbi Don Schonstein, whosaid, quote, “Our legitimacy as Jews flows from therichness of our Jewish lives, the strength of ourJewish communities and, most important of all, ourdeep and abiding belief in Jesus Christ.”

Recent photos sent from the Galileo space probeorbiting Jupiter’s moon Europa suggest that it meetsthe conditions necessary to support a primitive lifeform. Just what kind of life form? You guessed it –Frank Stallone.

Oprah Winfrey’s longtime boyfriend, Stedman Graham,has written a new book called, “You Can Make ItHappen: A Nine-Step Plan for Success.” Step NumberOne? Become Oprah Winfrey’s boyfriend. … [applause]Then the other eight are just hang around…

Last weekend in Washington, a new museum dedicated tobroadcast journ– [Norm chokes on the word and clearshis throat] Gaahh!… [under his breath] What the fuckwas that? … [audience laughs but Norm presses on]Last weekend in Washington, a new museum… [crowdrealizes what Norm has just said and starts cheeringand applauding – a grinning Norm sighs] Aaah hah, myfarewell performance. Last weekend– [morelaughter]

Last weekend in Washington, a new museum dedicated tobroadcast journalism opened where visitors can appearon camera and pretend they are news anchors. So farthe museum has been visited more than two hundredtimes by Tabitha Soren. [Photo of MTV news personTabitha Soren]

In St. Louis, Missouri, a father, who lost jointcustody of his two sons after undergoing a sex changeoperation, now plans to ask an appeals court toreconsider its ruling that gave sole custody to theboys’ mother. [Norm rubs his chin thoughtfully] Hmmmm,I wonder who’s gonna win this case … the mother ofthe two children — or the guy who had his penisturned into a fake vagina? … It’s a tough call. Yougot the guy who fashioned a vagina-like thing and thenya got the mother…

In Michigan, state Historical Commission officials saythey will not interfere with the building of a newmajor sports stadium even if construction unearthshistorical artifacts. However, state Indian Affairofficials say that if relics from a Native Americantribe are found, they would like to have the land setaside and designated as a sacred tribal burialground-slash-giant casino. … [applause]

The Nuclear Regulatory Commission has warned that anindustrial camera, stolen from a Montana company,could pose a radiation hazard if its casing is opened.Oh. [Norm pulls out his recorder again] Note to self:Uh, after show, remember to close the casing on thatindustrial camera that I, uh, I borrowed from, uh,that thing while I was in Montana. [pocketsrecorder]

And, finally, in Californ– [Norm chokes on the wordand grins – audience laughs]

And, finally, in California, pet owners [Norm shoots aglance at the crowd] – pet owners can now take theircanine friends to the world’s first doggy weddingchapel, where dogs can actually be married in a civilceremony. The ceremony ends when the Justice of thePeace says, “You may now sniff the ass.” … [cheersand applause which continues till the end ofUpdate]

All right, folks. Maybe we’ll see you next week! Goodnight!

[Norm sort of waves and starts to take the microphoneoff his necktie. Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 17

96q: Rob Lowe / Spice Girls

Janet Blaum’s Rant

Janet Blaum…..Ana Gasteyer
Waitress #2…..Molly Shannon
Waitress #3…..Cheri Oteri
Manager…..Rob Lowe
Customer #1…..Will Ferrell
Customer #2…..Jim Breuer

[ open on interior, Jazzies Bar & Grill ]

Janet Blaum: I swear, I have had it up to here, Daniel has been riding me all day!

Waitress #2: I know, he’s been awful.

Waitress #3: Someone has to do something.

Manager: Ladies, ladies.. I think that there is a tubetop that is waiting for some service, so why don’t we get on it? Janet?

Janet Blaum: God, he’s a pill! I swear, one of these days, one more comment like this, and I am really gonna let him have it!

Waitress #2: God, I wish I had the guts..

Waitress #3: Hey, you want me to take the tubetop?

Janet Blaum: No, I got it. But they’d better not have a coupon. [ approaches the table ] Hey, how you guys doing tonight?

Customer #1: Good. We have a coupon.

Janet Blaum: That’s, um.. that’s no problem. I should let you know, also, that Tuesday is seafood night here at Jazzies —

Customer #2: Yeah, look – we don’t want a big spiel. Just bring us a couple burgers and some Scotch. Alright, honey?

Janet Blaum: I really don’t appreciate —

Manager: [ jumps in ] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Is there a problem here?

Janet Blaum: Well, Daniel, I-I-I —

Customer #2: She’s being rude!

Manager: Is that true, Janet?

Janet Blaum: No!

Manager: Look, why don’t you take the night off, alright? Listen, I’m very sorry, gentlemen, this meal is gonna be on me.

Janet Blaum: Daniel, that is not fair!

Manager: Janet, I want you to get your things, and I want you to go home, okay? We’ll talk tomorrow! Alright?

Janet Blaum: Well, you know what? I don’t think we will talk tomorrow, because I have a couple of things I’d like to say to you right now!

Waitress #2: Do it, Janet!

Waitress #3: Go, sister!

Janet Blaum: I have been waiting for this for a long time! This enire restaurant, and all of the people in it, and particularly you, Daniel, can all just.. can all go.. fly a kite! Okay? Because this is bull crap!

Customer #2: Bull crap?

Janet Blaum: Th-th-that’s right! I am really PO’ed! I am ticked, okay? And, you, Mr. Bigshot.. B-b-boss guy, you, you are a gigantic.. gigantic manager! Okay? And I.. wo not stand for –

Guys: Wo not!! [ laugh ]

Manager: Hah! Wo not? Did you just say “Wo not”?

Customer #2: [ snottily ] Where did you learn to talk?

Janet Blaum: I learned to talk at the same place you got your fat coupon! Okay?

Customer #1: Th-that makes no sense.

Janet Blaum: Okay, maybe this makes sense to you, okay – obviously, your had is full of cheese, okay? So, go smarten up, because I.. dow-not want it —

Manager: [ mocking ] Dow-not! Dow-not!

Janet Blaum: Stop it! Stop it, okay! This is, this terd city! This is total BS! Bull crap! Okay! Bull crap! And you know what, Daniel? You know what? You are all wet! And I wonder, where did you get your brain, out of a Crackerjack box?

Customer #1: Boy, that is weak.

Janet Blaum: I-I-I-I speak for everyone here.. I think. [ the other waitresses disagree ] For too long, you have walked all over us, okay! I am so, so PO’ed! Alright? L-l-look at you, with your big.. stuff.. you are an unbelievable crum bum!

Manager: Crum-bum! [ laughs ]

Janet Blaum: Yeah, yeah.. I have walked through this door so many times, but I thought I.. wo not —

Guys: Wo not! Wo not! [ laugh ]

Janet Blaum: Th-th-this is BS! This is bull crap! Alright?

Manager: Look, I know you thought this was gonna be your big moment with me, and it really hasn’t worked out very well, has it? So why don’t you just go home?

Janet Blaum: Oh, no, no, Daniel! I am royally ticked, okay? I am royally ticked! Okay? I am royally ticked! So why don’t you take a short walk on a long pier.. or.. a long pier with.. this sucks BS, okay! This place is a bull crap place! And you, and you, can bite the big one! So why don’t you take this job —

Manager: Oh, please, don’t say “Shove it.”

Janet Blaum: Aaarrgggghh!! This is BS! BS! This whole place is a BS palace, and you are King Bull! Alright? And the food here looks like throw up!

Manager: Okay, okay, let’s get you out of here!

Janet Blaum: You know what? You know what? Fine! Excuse my dust, okay, because I am out of here, alright? And I’m sorry that I’m not some big.. speech.. maker lady person.. okay? I am just a ticked off waitress who is PO’ed with all the BS and the bull crap and terds, okay? Yeah! Yeah! You’re all just a big stinking pil of BM, okay? So, so, so say goodbye! Because this lady is not coming back, alright? I am out of here forever, okay? And as far as I’m concerned, so are all of you!

[ exits, then re-enters ]

I forgot my purse. This sucks on toast!

[ exits, then re-enters ]

Someone call AAA for me, my car won’t start! God, this day has been an unbelievable bucket of BM!

Manager: Look, will somebody call the AAA for her, and let’s get back to work. Come on, everyone, come on.

Janet Blaum: Fine! I’m still PO’ed!

Waitress #3: [ meekly ] That went well.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 19th, 1997

Pamela Lee

Rollins Band

Tommy Lee

Rollins Band, “Starve”

Reno-Time!

Janet Reno (Will Ferrell) hijacks President Clinton (Darrell Hammond) press conference.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Janet Reno.

Pamela Lee’s Monologue

To counter nervousness, Lee lets the audience see her naked.

Darnette Disposable Toilets

(Repeat) See: 12/14/96.

Spartan Cheerleaders

Craig (Will Ferrell) & Arianna (Cheri Oteri) bring their cheers to Spring Break.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

A&E Biography

Earl Woods (Tracy Morgan) desperately molded Tiger (Tim Meadows) into pro golfer.

Recurring Characters: Jack Perkins.

Roxbury Guys

Roxbury Guys (Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan) chase blonde (Lee) around town.

Recurring Characters: Doug Butabi, Steve Butabi.

Movie Set

Tommy Lee (Norm MacDonald) mistakes fiction for reality as Pam films movie.

The real Tommy Lee thinks Norm MacDonald is trying to make out with Lee.

TV Funhouse

Safety tips with The Ambiguously Gay Duo.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Rollins Band performs “Starve”

Hey, Remember the 80’s

Goat Boy (Jim Breuer) finds true love in Jenny McCarthy (Lee).

Recurring Characters: Goat Boy.

Oprah’s Book Club

Oprah (Tim Meadows) and friends read book selections.

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey.

Larry King’s News & Views I

Larry King’s (Norm MacDonald) views don’t offer much of an opinion.

Recurring Characters: Larry King.

Pamela Lee’s Invitational NASCAR Rally

Sight of Lee’s breast is the cause of many spinouts.

Larry King’s News & Views II

More ramblings from Larry King (Norm MacDonald).

Recurring Characters: Larry King.

The Twilight Zone

Plastic surgery makes woman (Lee) hot, even in a world of pig-faced people.

First Date

Because blind date (Lee) is hot, man (Chris Kattan) enjoys her sense of humor.

SNL Transcripts

A&E Biography

Jack Perkins…..Darrell Hammond
Tiger Woods…..Tim Meadows
Earl Woods…..Tracy Morgan

Jack Perkins: [ brandishing a drink, as usual ] Welcome to”Biography.” I’m Jack Perkins. [ sits ] Unless you’ve been in a cave for the last week, you’ve heard of a man named Tiger Woods. He won the Masters Golf tournament on Sunday, and since then the entire namtion has been abuzz about this extraordinary young man! [ holds up his drink ] I am quite abuzz myself right now! Without further ado, “Biography” presents the story of Tiger Woods.

[ cut to visual image of a baby Tiger being held by his father Earl ]

Jack Perkins Voice-Over: If you want to know the story of TigerWoods, you need to know the story of his father, Earl Woods.. a man whoraised his son to be a.. champion!
Earl Woods: Well, I pretty much knew that my son, Tiger, was going to be a professional golfer. When he was a baby, he would grab onto these little toy golf clubs we had gotten him, and swing them all around, to and fro, all the live-long day. He loved that little club.

Tiger Woods: My first concious memory.. is my father crazy-gluing this plastic golf club to my hands. His hair was all messed up, and he had this crazy look in his eye.

Earl Woods: One day I’ll never forget is the first time I took my little boy to the golf course. He was all, like, “Golf is great!” and “I love golf!” And I’ve never seen him so excited. I think that was the greatest day of his whole life.

Tiger Woods: That was the worst day of my whole life. Yeah, Dad, was in a really bad mood that day. He’d gone to the store to buy a recliner, and his credit card was turned down. On the way home, he pulled over next to a golf course and started crying. He told me I had to be a rich, professional golfer or my mother and him would starve. That had a big impact on me – even though I think he was just pretending to cry.

[ cut to Jack Perkins pouring another drink in the A&E Biography studio ]

Jack Perkins: Today’s my birthday! And I’m getting.. drunker! I guess you could say Earl was drunk with happiness, as he watched his son tear through the amateur ranks. But when Tigewr won the Masters last week, Earl was so happy, it made his earlier happiness seem.. not half as happy! This is true happiness.

Earl Woods: When Tiger was playing so good at the Masters, it was like a dream come true. He was getting the birdies and the eagles and the what-not, I was so proud!

Tiger Woods: When I was on the 18th green, putting on the last hole of the Masters, it was totally quiet except for my father, who kept saying, “Ca-Ching! Ca-Ching!” Just like a cash register, you know? He was high-fiving everyone.. it was really embarrassing.

Earl Woods: Let me tell you something – Tiger Woods doesn’t justplay golf, he is golf. He’s a man of destiny and what-not.. he’s like another Gandhi.

Tiger Woods: When I bought my Dad a house, he was all, like, “Gee, thanks, Gandhi.” You know, real sarcastic-like. I guess he expected a bigger house, or something.

[ cut back to Jack Perkins sitting in the A&E Biography studio ]

Jack Perkins: “We’re running witthe shadows of the night. So,baby, take my hand we’ll be alright. Surrender all your dreams to metonight, they’ll all come true in the end.” That’s a song! It’s called “Shadows of the Night”, by Pat Benetar.. we should do a biography about her. But I bet we wont. I hope you enjoyed our look at Tiger Woods and his determined dad, Earl. For “Biography”, I’m Jack Perkins. Nighty-night!

SNL Transcripts

TV Funhouse

[The animated “Saturday TV Funhouse” intro plays, with Lorne Michaels chasing after the dog, and then FADE to a residential street where two boys and another younger boy are playing. On the right, Willie dribbles a basketball; on the left, Butch is popping a wheelie on his bicycle.]

Butch: Hey, guys, look what I can do!

Willie: Hey, that’s pretty neat!

Youngest Boy: Yeah!

[In a flash, Ace and Gary swoop down and land in the middle of the street.]

Ace: I wouldn’t be so sure!

Willie and Butch: Huh?

[FADE to “The Ambiguously Gay Duo” opening sequence. The announcer speaks when it is finished.]

Announcer: The Ambiguously Gay Duo! Tonight, safety tips from: The Ambiguously Gay Duo!

[FADE to Ace and Gary talking to the youngsters on the street.]

Ace: Willie, Butch… fun and safety can go hand-in-hand.

Willie: Wow! On our street! Ace and Gary!

Butch: I hear they’re fruits.

Willie: No way!

Gary: Kids, if you follow our tips, you can have a good time…

Ace: And a SAFE time.

Gary: Come along!

[CUT to Ace and Gary riding a tandem bike. Ace is in the lead, while Gary holds snugly onto his hips.]

Ace: Always ride on the right side of the street. [rings bell]

Gary: And signal when making turns! [signals turn with right arm]

Ace: Riding at night requires special attention. A reflector suit, like Gary’s here, ensures that you’ll be seen.

[Gary is wearing gold medallions across his chest and beltline, on his knees, and over his crotch.]

Butch: See what I mean?

Willie: That don’t mean anything.

[CUT to Ace and Gary riding a motorbike in similar fashion.]

Ace: Older kids should be careful on motorbikes.

Gary: [wearing red helmet] Be sure to wear helmets!

[CUT to Butch putting a bicycle helmet.]

Ace: Attaboy, Butch!

[Ace pats Butch on the butt, and Butch looks at him in shock. CUT to Ace and Gary crossing the street together.]

Ace: Look both ways before crossing the street.

Gary: [takes Ace’s hand] And always hold hands with your buddy!

Ace: The buddy system should be used in all potentially unsafe situations, like swimming, bike riding, and showering.

Youngest Boy: They’re gay, all right!

Willie: You don’t even know what gay is!

Youngest Boy: Yeah, I do!

Ace: Let’s go to your house.

[CUT to Ace and Gary on the living room floor. Holding an electric cord, Gary is on his hands and knees while Ace kneels behind him.]

Gary: Never pull out a plug by its cord!

Ace: That’s right, Gary. Grab the plug by the male end and stick it in the hole.

Gary: Just stick it in, and don’t play with it!

Ace: Right. Don’t pull it out, just leave it in. Got it?

Kids: [stunned] Yeah.

[CUT to all of them standing in the middle of the living room.]

Ace: Break the wall down between the living room and the dining room. It opens up the area, and gives a better sense of flow from one room to the other. But that’s more a tip for your parents. [looks off to side] Hi, folks.

[CUT to a middle-aged couple peering very suspiciously through the doorway.]

Father: [softly] Uh… hi.

Ace: Let’s go for a ride.

[CUT to the Duo’s “genitalmobile,” which Ace drives while the kids sit uneasily in the back seats.]

Ace: You may not be old enough to drive. But if you’re a safe passenger, you’ve got a job to do.

[Gary leans over from the passenger seat and puts his head right over Ace’s crotch. They are seen from behind while Gary’s head bobs slightly up and down.]

Ace: Gary is making sure that the parking brake is in the proper release position. All clear, Gary?

Gary: [sits back in seat] Looking good!

[CUT to everyone standing in the Comissioner’s office.]

Commissioner: Fellas, I think these kids need to get back!

Ace: Hold on, Commissioner.

[Ace is holding Gary from behind, as though Gary is choking.]

Ace: See, kids, it’s called the Heimlich Maneuver. [squeezes Gary’s stomach]

Gary: Uhhh!

[The kids look at them suspiciously.]

Ace: What’s everybody looking at?

Youngest Boy: You’re gay!

Gary: You’ll all be happy and gay if you follow our tips!

Ace: We’re gay like a fox.

Commissioner: Okay, that’s enough! Let’s everyone go home, now!

[The kids walk slowly out of the office.]

Ace and Gary: [waving] See ya, kids!

Commissioner: [uncomfortably] Uh, thanks, Ace and Gary. We… all learned a lot.

Ace: Thank YOU, Commissioner. Say, want to practice some CPR?

[Gary lies down on the desk in front of the commissioner.]

Commissioner: No, I don’t!

[FADE to Ace and Gary jumping into their “genitalmobile” and speeding off.]

Announcer: Play safe, and STAY safe! With…

Chorus: “The Ambiguously Gay Duo”!

[ROLL credits and CUT to the slide reading, “WRITTEN BY ROBERT SMIGEL.” FADE to black on Lorne Michaels wrestling with the dog.]

Thanks to Joe for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Larry King’s News & Views I

Larry King…..Norm MacDonald

[Bespectacled, suspender-wearing talk show host LarryKing bends over his typewriter and cranks out hisnewspaper column.]

Announcer: If you’re not reading “Larry King’sNews & Views” in USA Today, then you’re missing out onthe issues that matter.

Larry King: [into the camera] This is “News andViews.” You heard it here first, gang: if you only seeone film the rest of your life, it should be “Jungle 2Jungle”!

Baltimore is a dirty, ugly city!

Is it just me or is anyone else sick and tired of thePope?

There isn’t a better singer in the world than BozScaggs!

Sometimes I wonder if giving women the right to votewasn’t a huge mistake!

Of all the laws of nature, the most important one justmight be — gravity!

I don’t care what anyone says. In my book, EllenDeGeneres is not gay!

Two “must-dos” in Washington, D.C.: you must visit theHolocaust Museum and you must eat a corn dog atChirpy’s!

Actor Don Johnson: one class act!

I have no tolerance for people who commitrape.

Coca-Cola is a terrific cola but so isPepsi-Cola!

Does anybody remember yo-yos?

I am still not a fan of Muhammad Ali!

Announcer: This has been U.S.A. Today’s “News &Views with Larry King.”

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Larry King’s News & Views II

Larry King…..Norm MacDonald

[Bespectacled, suspender-wearing talk show host LarryKing bends over his typewriter and cranks out hisnewspaper column.]

Announcer: If you’re still not reading “LarryKing’s News & Views” in USA Today, then God helpyou.

Larry King: [into the camera] One of the greatfigures of the twentieth century has to be JamesBrolin.

The more I think about it, the more I love chicken –a great, great meat.

If Timothy McVeigh is guilty of this terrible OklahomaCity bombing, then they should put that guy in jailfor a long, long time.

Announcer: This has been U.S.A. Today’s “News &Views with Larry King.”

Larry King: You heard it here first, folks:John McEnroe was a hell of a tennis player.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Pamela Lee’s Monologue

…..Pamela Lee

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Pamela Lee!

[Dressed in a frilly lavender halter jacket and a pink skirt, Pamela Lee walks onstage and claps along with the audience.]

Pamela Lee: WHOOOO!!! Nice to be here! Wow! I’m here in New York! It’s great! The Knicks just beat the Bulls! WHOOOO!!!

[riotous screams and cheers]

Pamela Lee: [breathing hard] Wow, you know, this is just, this is quite a departure for me to be on “Saturday Night Live.” Doing this comedy thing, you know, after having committed myself for so long to serious drama. [laughter] You know, I know a lot of people make fun of “Baywatch,” but it’s really an important show. Week in and week out, we attack the real problems threatening our nation’s beaches. You know, problems like pollution, diamond smuggling, buried treasure! Serious stuff!! [laughter] Wow, but I have to tell you, this live TV thing is just a completely different experience. Honestly, I’m really very nervous. So my husband taught me–he’s a musician–he told me a little trick about what to do if, if I start to feel nervous. He says that, um, a good way to put yourself at ease is to, um… [thinking hard] Oh, shoot, um… ohhhhh, oh, yeah, have the audience imagine that you’re naked! Yeah! That’s what it is. Yep!

[Audience hoots and cheers as Pam takes off her jacket to reveal a bikini top with pink feathers on the cups.]

Pamela Lee: So, so, if you could just, uh, imagine me naked, that would help me out tremendously. It’d be great. Are you imagining me naked?

Guys in audience: YEAH!!

Pamela Lee: You know what, it’s not working. Maybe what he said is that, um, you know, if you’re nervous onstage, you actually should BE naked! Yeah!! Okay! You know what? I’m gonna take this off…

[The audience hoots and cheers again as Pamela strips off her bikini and skirt. Her body is blurred out.]

Pamela Lee: That’s better! [fidgets with skirt clasp] Okay, all right, that’s where it is. NOW we’re talkin’! Thank you, thank you!

[riotous screams and cheers]

Pamela Lee: Whoooo! This is really loosening me up! This is great! Wow! Wow. Wow!! Loosening me up.

Guys in audience: You go, Pam!

Pamela Lee: Now you really see what I’m doing here tonight. You know, showing my top to the world is an exciting step toward developing me as a mature actress. At any rate, I feel free, you know, I feel free. You guys can get naked! We have a great show tonight! The Rollins Band is here! [audience cheers] So stick around, we’ll be right back!

[FADE to black as audience continues cheering heartily.]

Thanks to Joe for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts