[FADE IN on stock footage of a crowded beach, then FADE to C.J. sitting on a lifeguard chair and wearing a bright red bathing suit. She peers through a pair of binoculars at the water while Hobie jogs up to her.]
Hobie: Hows it looking out there, C.J.?
C.J.: Well, Hobie, things look under control for now, but Im gonna keep an eye on that undertow.
Hobie: [pointing to side] Hey, whats going on over there?
C.J.: What, the volleyball tournament?
Hobie: No, those two spazoids off to the sides![CUT to Craig and Arianna on the beach in their Spartans uniforms. They wear white zinc oxide on their noses and start a cheer.]
One-piece, two-piece, string bikini!
Who you think you are, I Dream of Jeannie?
You can blink for your master,
Or cry to Major Healy!
Arianna: You think youre gonna win?
Craig: Uh-uh, not really![They press their palms over their heads like a genie and hum the I Dream of Jeannie theme song.]
Daaaa-da, da da da da da da! Get back in your bottle!
Boiiiiinnnnnng! WHOOOOOOO!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!
Craig: Okay. Okay.[Out of breath, they sit down and towel off their faces.]
Craig: Arianna, Im sweating buckets! I dont care what anyone says – wool does not breathe. Are you sweating?
Arianna: Craig, girls dont sweat – they glow!
Arianna: [grinning] And Im glowing like a pig! CRAIG![both burst out laughing]
Arianna: Craig! Arent away games cool beans?
Craig: Ill say. The only thing better was getting to see Problem Child 2 on the plane.
Arianna: Yeah. Im sorry, but John Ritter is sex on a stick!
Craig: Oh. And Im sorry you threw up.
Arianna: Oh, thats okay. Thanks for holding my hair.
Craig: No problem… child… two.
Arianna: [squealing] Craig! God! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
Craig: [looking in distance] Oh, my God! Troys serve is poetry in motion!
Arianna: Dirk is about to spike the BALL!!! Okay.
Arianna: Okay, okay, okay.
Craig: Okay.[Craig stands up with arms at his sides while Arianna scrambles behind him.]
Craig: Ladies and gentlemen: the Spike Girls! [starts rolling his hands]Yoooooooooo, tell me what you want, what you really, really want!
Arianna: [dances out from behind him] Ill tell you what I want, what I really, really want! I wanna–
Arianna: I wanna–
Arianna: I wanna–
Arianna: I wanna–
If you wanna be a Spartan, [clapping]Better know how to spike the ba-aall!
Too bad you got sand in your crack,
Better put out a booty call!
Calling aaaaaaaallll booo-tyyyyyyyyyyyys!
Craig: Uh, uh, hey! Whos that Spartan with junk in the trunk?
Arianna: [dances in with volleyball stuffed underneath her skirt] Its me! Its me!
Craig: I said, whos that Spartan with junk in the trunk?
Arianna: Its me! Its me!
Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!
Wide load! WHOOOOO!!!
Arianna: Come on, lets get the message!![Dirk runs up to them in disgust.]
Dirk: All right, all right, all right, all right! I cant BELIEVE you followed us to California! You two pathetic LOSERS, and now you have this vicious B.O. cause youre wearing sweaters on the beach! Duhhh!
Arianna: Ohhhhhhhhhh![He waves his hand back and forth, and the cheerleaders sniff their ownarmpits.]
Arianna: [cheerfully] We are a little gamey.
Dirk: Im gonna go in the water to cool off. And DONT FOLLOW me! [runs off]
Arianna: We wont! Cause youre not the Pied Piper of us!
Craig: Yeah![ENTER C.J. carrying a red floater and a walkie-talkie.]
C.J.: Hey, you guys, is everything okay over here? I thought I heard an argument.
Craig: Oh, no. There was no argument. Dirk just hates us.
C.J.: Well, if you need anything, Im C.J., and Im the lifeguard for this section of the beach.
Arianna: C.J.! Your hair is awesome!!
Arianna: Can I ask? Sun-in or lemon juice?
C.J.: [smiling] Lemon juice.
Arianna: I could die!!
C.J.: You guys wanna take off those sweaters?
Craig: Oh, thanks for your concern, C.J., but Ive got back hair.
Arianna: And I stuff, and I stuff my sports bra. Plus, were a little gamey.[They each lift an arm.]
Dirk: [off camera] Help me! A lifeguard! Help!!
C.J: [looks over in alarm] Oh, no, the undertow is taking him way beyond the breakers! [into walkie-talkie] Code 6, code 6! Im in front of Station 14! We got a swimmer going under! [tosses floater away] Im out![C.J. runs ahead right past the camera.]
Arianna: [shrieking] Oh, my God! HOLD ON, DIRK!!! HOLD ON!! Oh, my God…
Craig: [hollering] Good luck, C.J.!! Your hairs even more beautiful when it bounces up and down!!
Arianna: [picks up floater] Craig! C.J. forgot–she forgot her red floaty thing! The tide will pull her and Dirk under without even asking!!!
Craig: [knowingly] You know what they need?
Arianna: The perfect cheer?
Craig: No. Not yet. They need a couple of kids with spirit and a little junior lifeguard training. [grabs floater]
Arianna: [grinning] Ohhhhhh! Lets rock and roll!!![Laughing, she grabs a floater and runs off with Craig. FADE to a 30-second film of Craig and Arianna running on a beach while the Baywatch theme plays in the background. They sprint heroically right into the waves, and then FADE back to the set, where a soaked Arianna is dragging Dirk by the neck.]
Dirk: [furious] Get off me! Youre CHOKING me![While he frees himself and darts off, a soaked Craig carries C.J.s limp body in his arms.]
Arianna: DIRK!! COME BACK, YOURE IN SHOCK!!! YOU NEED CPR!!!
Craig: [bending over C.J.] Arianna, I need your help!
Arianna: Okay! I got her!
Craig: Help on the double!
Arianna: Okay![Craig bends over C.J.s face and begins to perform mouth-to-mouth. Arianna grabs her by the ankles and pumps her legs toward her head.]
Arianna: One…[Craig breathes into C.J.s mouth.]
Arianna: Two…[Craig breathes into her mouth again. C.J. suddenly comes to, squirms, and twists her face away from Craigs.]
C.J.: Craig! I dont like you like that, okay?
Arianna: [toward audience] SHES OKAY, CRAIG!!
Craig: Shes okay! Oh…[C.J. rises to her feet and addresses them calmly.]
C.J.: Craig, Arianna, you were both amazing. A couple quick tips.
C.J.: Craig, when performing mouth-to-mouth, its not necessary to use your tongue.
Craig: [embarrassed] Uhhh!
C.J.: Okay? And Arianna, when saving a victim, its best not to scream, Were all gonna die.
Arianna: I thought I saw a sand crab.
C.J.: [looks off in alarm] Oh, my God! David Hasselhoff is doing a free concert and people are trying to drown themselves! I gotta go, bye! [runs off]
Arianna: Okay. Oh, my God!
Craig: Good luck, C.J.!!
Arianna: Good luck, C.J.! Craig! You think she needs our help?
Craig: No, jellyfish-brain! What she really needs is…
Craig and Arianna: [look at each other] The perfect cheer!!
Arianna: [grinning] Ohhhhhhh, Craig![Craig hits a button on the boom box, and I Like it like That starts playing. The two do a vaguely Latin drill team routine for about 30 seconds. Arianna spins into Craigs arms, and he dips her. Finally, he picks up a toy beach pail and a shovel, places the shovel in her mouth like a rose, and puts the pail on his head while they samba offstage. FADE to black over applause.]
Thanks to Joe for this transcript!