David Letterman…..Norm MacDonald Paul Shaffer…..Mark McKinney Robert De Niro…..Alec Baldwin
[ Band finishes playing as Letterman wipes something off his desk ]
David Letterman: Alright. Alright, welcome back to the big show folks! You came on a good night, Robert De Niro is with us. So Paul, uh, Paul, yesterday I pile the wife and kids into the station wagon, we go out to dinner, and, uh, on the way there
Paul Shaffer: Yeah, uhh, how are the kids?
David Letterman: What’s that, Paul?
Paul Shaffer: How…how are the kids?
David Letterman: Oh oh, well, thanks for asking. The little one’s got a touch of the flu but he’s good. So anyway, we’re at the Red Lobster there, Paul, and I’m enjoying what I always get there. You know what I always get. The, uhh, the Fisherman’s Platter?
[ Paul laughs ]
David Letterman: [ laughs ] Yeah. So this, so this waiter comes to our table, Paul, and he’s one of those real oily guys. You know those kinds of guys? Real oily? He looks right at me and gives me one of these. Like, uhh: [ doing impression ] “Ehh, uhh, you enjoying your shrimp? Ehh, you enjoying your shrimp?”
[ Paul and Letterman laugh ]
Paul Shaffer: So, ahh, he wanted to know if you enjoyed your shrimp. Yeah, yeah.
David Letterman: Yeah, that’s right. [ laughs ] “Ehh, you enjoy your shrimp?” [ hi-pitched laugh ] Well, folks, in a couple seconds Robert De Niro will be out here and a little later on from “Nash Bridges”, the lovely Jodie O’Keith. Do you, do you enjoy the “Nash Bridges”, Paul?
Paul Shaffer: Yeah, yeah, “Nash Bridges”, good, yeah.
David Letterman: Yeah. Yeah, I think it’s a great program, you know? It’s got the guy from “Miami Vice” there, you’ve got your, uhh, Doug Johnson on there on it.
Paul Shaffer: That’s, uhh, Don Johnson.
David Letterman: Yeah, well, whatever, anyway. He’s good. And you know who else they got now, apparently? Cheech from “Cheech and Chong”. He’s on the show as well.
Paul Shaffer: Oh yeah, Cheech, yeah.
David Letterman: Yeah.
Paul Shaffer: Yeah.
David Letterman: Yeah, he plays the sidekick. And you know, I was thinking about this this afternoon, Paul, and that seems a little silly to me, you know, when you think about you. When you’re making your serious crime drama, you don’t want to cast Cheech. That seems, you know. You know who they should have gotten for that role, don’t you Paul?
Paul Shaffer: Yeah, who’s that?
David Letterman: Well, they should have got Chong. [ laughs long and high into a sigh ] Chong. [ laughs ] You imagine such a thing, Paul, Chong?! [ laughs ] Anyway, folks, tonight we got a great program. Bonnie Raitt will be on the show and Jesus, every time she’s here she blows the roof off the joint. And Paul? Why wouldn’t they use Chong on the show, when you think about it?
Paul Shaffer: I…I don’t know. I don’t know.
David Letterman: Yeah, I don’t know either. I…I think that’s a mistake! [ laughs ] Anyway, folks, we couldn’t be more thrilled to have our first guest here on the program. Ladies and Gentlemen, brace yourselves, Robert De Niro!
[ Music plays as De Niro walks out holding a glass of scotch and smoking a cigar. Letterman shakes his hand and leads him to a seat ]
David Letterman: Oh gosh, Robert, I can’t tell you how great it is to have you on the program. All the work you’ve done over the years is just top notch. It must make you very happy, huh?
Robert De Niro: Lil’ bit, lil’ bit. Yeah.
David Letterman: Well, now Robert, tells us about your new film “Marvin’s Room”.
Robert De Niro: I like the band. The band’s good. The band’s good.
David Letterman: You, you enjoy the band, do you? Well, now, let me tell you this, Robert, uhh, I saw “Marvin’s Room” and I have to tell you it’s a fine piece of work. Robert? It’s got a great cast. You’ve got, you’ve got Meryl Streep, Diane Keaton. Oh, and you know who I particularly enjoyed in the film was uhh, was uhh.. Chong!
Robert De Niro: Yeah, he was good. He’s very good. That he is. He’s good.
[ Letterman laughs ]
David Letterman: You hear that Paul? He enjoys Chong!
[ Letterman and Paul laugh again ]
Robert De Niro: You two have a good time, I’ll give you that. You know, it reminds me of the time Marty and I, Marty and I were making “Taxi Driver”, we were filming “Taxi Driver” and Marty turns to me, he says…
David Letterman: Oh oh, let me guess! He probably said this, he probably, “Ehh, you enjoying the shrimp? Ehh, you enjoy the shrimp?” [ laughs ] Hey hey! You know who I’ll bet really enjoyed the shrimp? Chong! [laughs longer and harder, eventually becoming a hard coughing fit ] Ohh! Ahh!
Robert De Niro: Dave, I watch your show all the time, and I got a little surprise for you.
David Letterman: Oh oh, what’s that there, Robert?
Robert De Niro: I watch your show all the time, I’m familiar with the format, so I’ve got my own Top Ten list and I’d like to do it for you.
David Letterman: Oh, by all means. That would be great.
[ Music plays as De Niro takes the list out of his pocket ]
Robert De Niro: Top Ten Reasons You Should See My New Movie, “Marvin’s Room”. Number 10… [ drumroll starts ] I don’t care for that, turn that off. [ drumroll stops ] Keep it off. Number 10: See “Marvin’s Room”. Number 9: Like I said, see “Marvin’s Room”. Number 8: See it already! Number 7: See “Marvin’s Room”! Be a man! Be a man! Number 6: “Marvin’s Room”. I’ve heard things! I heard some things about “Marvin’s Room”! Number 5: Live from New York, It’s Saturday Night!
(Opens with a bunch of Tina Turner’s fans getting their autographs from the legendary rock singer in her dressing room. Roger comes in with an earpiece on to chase the fans out of the dressing room)
Roger: (Australian accent) Ok, mates. Thanks for coming but Tina’s got to be on her way! (into the mic) The bird’s about to fly. Clearing sector G. Let’s go! Come on!
(The fans move out of the dressing room. Only one very excited fan stays with Tina Turner while she signs an autograph)
Excited Fan: I love you Miss Turner!! I have all your Cd’s and I just want you to know that I support your decision to leave your husband. [cries] You are so strong! You are so strong! Oh, my God! You are so strong!
[Roger puts her on a choke hold]
Roger: Ok, let’s clear the perimeter! Break a leg. You know what I’m talking about.
[Roger opens the dressing room door]
Excited Fan: Oh, Tina!
[Roger throws her out with a single push and closes the door]
Roger: Sorry about that, Tin. Your car’s outside. Whenever you’re ready, foxy lady.
Tina Turner: Ok, Rog. Be a second.
Roger: [into mic] Room is clear, T.T. Locked and loaded, over![leaves]
[Tina opens her closet and Mary Katherine Gallagher in her catholic high school uniform falls out]
Tina Turner: Whoa!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [gets up quick] Mary Kathrine Gallagher! [shakes hand with Tina]
Tina Turner: I’m Tina Turner.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: What?
Tina Turner: I’m Tina Turner.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I know you’re Tina Turner. You’re Tina Turner, legendary songstress and legendary diva. Originally born in Tennessee in the little old town of Nutbush formerly of the Ike & Tina review, now currently a solo artist traveling the world in the Tina Turner’s “Wildest Dreams” tour which is being sponsored by Hanes Hosiery for ladies.
Tina Turner: You know a lot about me, Mary.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yep, I do. And I also, I’ve seen the movie “What’s love got to do with it” 30 times and I, and you know what?
Tina Turner: What?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I don’t know what’s love got to do with it.
Tina Turner: Well…
[Roger comes in, fans yell for Tina, Roger closes the door]
Roger: [into the mic] Red alert! Red alert! Foxtrot, Alpha, Bravo! [grabs Mary’s arm]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Wait, hold on!
Tina Turner: Roger, just one second here. Mary, I have to get dressed right now. But it was very nice to meet you.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Ok.
Roger: Ok, four eyes, your little escapade is over. Come on!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Wait a second, wait a second! I just want to say one thing! Um, miss Tina Turner, I want to be a singer just like you.
Tina Turner: Yeah?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [sings] What’s love got to do, got to do with it…
Roger: [puts Mary on a headlock] All right! That’s enough, you jackeroo! [into the mic] Code yellow, situation under control.
Tina Turner: Roger, Roger! One second here. Let me just have a second with Mary. All right?
Roger: [lets go of Mary] Righty-o, Tina. But I’m right outside if a situation develops.
[Roger leaves, fans plead for autographs outside the door, Roger closes the door]
Tina Turner: Mary, come over here. You know Mary, that was kind of dangerous, sneaking into someone’s dressing room. I could’ve called the police.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: You mean, the fuzz?
[Mary puts her hands under her armpits]
Tina Turner: Yes. What are you doing?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes when I get nervous I stick my fingers under my arms and then [smells her fingers] I smell ’em like that.[sniffs] That’s really gross.
Tina Turner: No, no. Its all right. Mary, come over here for a second. Come over to this mirror. You know what I see in that mirror? Mary? [Tina and Mary look in the mirror] I see a very pretty girl.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: You mean in this mirror here?
Tina Turner: In that mirror there.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Really?
Tina Turner: Yes. Now take your hands from under your armpits and come over here. And relax, relax, relax. Ok? Now Mary, I want you to concentrate. I want you to feel deep inside of yourself.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: No. My grandmother said that I’m not supposed to do that.
Tina Turner: That’s ok, ok Mary. See, what I want you to do is try to concentrate. Because that person that you got hidden inside, I want you to do that.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I can’t.
Tina Turner: Yes, you can. Try to concentrate and I want you to tell me who you are. Who are you?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Who am I?
Tina Turner: Yes! Who are you? Tell me, Mary! Who are you?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [sings Tina’s hit Private Dancer] I’m your Private Dancer, a dancer for money, I’ll do what you want me to do….
Tina Turner: That’s it, Mary! You got it! That’s a good girl.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [more forceful, just like Tina] I’m your private dancer! A dancer for money, any old music will do!
Tina Turner: Yes, you got it! Yes, yes!
[Hit “Proud Mary” plays]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [excited she sings] Big wheel keep on turnin’…
Tina Turner: Whooo!!
Tina and Mary: Proud Mary keep on burnin’!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [jumps on a chair, imitates Tina’s moves] Rollin’!
Tina and Mary: Rollin’, rollin’ on a river!!
Tina Turner: One more time!
Tina and Mary: Rollin’! Whoo! Rollin’! Whoo! Rollin’ on a river!
Tina Turner: Oh, yeah!!
Tina and Mary: Rollin’! Rollin’!
[Mary jumps back and crashes on top of a table smashing it to pieces]
This May–nature unleashes her ultimate fury–right in your own backyard!
(cut to family in living room, as the Dad tries in vain to get the TV to work)
: That’s funny–the cable’s out!
Mom: Guess we’ll have to call the company…(thunderclap) what’s that noise?
(Dad goes to the window to investigate)
Dad: Oh, God no…
Daughter: (frightened) Daddy?
Mom: Hank, what is it?
Dad: It’s everywhere…
Mom: What is it?
Dad: Carol–get the kids into the closet! (family remains rooted to the floor) Do it–NOW!
Mom: Oh, my God! It’s…IT’S….
VO: …RAIN (shot of titlecard)–they said it would never happen—“never” is NOW!
(cut to Mom and Dad, as their ceiling starts to leak)
(thunderclap)
Mom: (hysterical) It’s in the HOUSE!!!!!
Dad: GET A BUCKET!
(Mom grabs a bucket and holds it under the leak. Dad rushes to grab a pot, the kids–still in the closet–grab cereal bowls and hold them under the leaks. A leak springs right over the cat’s head)
VO: Imagine, billions of droplets of pure water–and scream! (cut to “Rain” titlecard) RAIN–The Sky is Falling–On You!
(house is now dark–the power has gone out. Mom, who seems to be in shock, is rocking back and forth, singing to herself in a baby voice:)
Mom: “Rain, rain..go away…..”
VO: RAIN (thunderclap) this May, there’s a 50 to 60% chance–of TERROR
(cut to mom and dad at the window)
Dad: Oh, my God!
Mom: (crying) Whaaat?
Dad: Grandpa’s still out there–he’s got a suede suit on!!!
Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonaldand now the fake news. Our top story tonight:
[Photo of Kenneth Starr] In a startling reversal,Kenneth Starr announced yesterday that he would NOTresign as Whitewater Special Prosecutor, and that nowhe intends to stay on until the investigation iscompleted. This new development apparently did nottrouble a confident President Clinton [Photo of BillClinton] who still plans to resume making conjugalvisits to Susan MacDougal. [Photo of handcuffed SusanMacDougal]
[Side-by-side photos of Madeline Albright and BorisYeltsin] This week in Moscow, Secretary of StateMadeline Albright and Russian President Boris Yeltsinsat down to discuss the delicate issue of NATOexpansion. On emerging from what was described as atense meeting, Ms. Albright said, quote, “For this Itraveled five thousand miles, to meet with somedrunken meshuggah? On my worst enemy I wouldn’t wishthis.”
[Photo of John Huang] Meanwhile, the Indogate scandalcontinues to widen. Internal Democratic NationalCommittee records now show that fundraiser John Huangwas responsible for bringing two Chinese businessmento the White House for a $180,000 “coffee” with thePresident. That works out to $90,000 for a cup ofcoffee, although, in the President’s defense, thecoffee was Starbucks. … [mild reaction from crowd soNorm explains] Starbucks is a little pricey.
[Photo of Janet Reno] Also this week in Washington,several prominent Democrats joined Republicans inpleading with Attorney General Janet Reno toinvestigate fundraising abuses. And also toshave.
[Photo of Fred Goldman] At a book signing in New Yorkthis week, Fred Goldman once again offered to forgetthe millions owed to him by O. J. Simpson, if he wouldsimply admit to the Brentwood murders. [Photo ofsmiling O. J. Simpson] A visibly annoyed O. J.responded, “Why in the world would I do that, when Ihave no intention of paying you anyway?”
[Graphic of dollar bill and commercial airliner withtext reading PRICE WAR] After American Airlinesdecided this week to cut fares by fifty percent, thefour other major airlines said they would match thebargain ticket prices. Also fighting to staycompetitive, discount carrier ValuJet [ValuJetcorporate logo] announced that it will now acceptstolen credit cards and bad checks.
[Photo of masked pop singer Michael Jackson] MichaelJackson has reportedly stepped right into his new roleas a dad, spending many hours a day with his newbornson, doing the changing, the burping, even thebreast-feeding, so … That’s nice when a – when afellow does that, you know?
In Wisconsin, students at Menomonee High School aredesperately fighting efforts by the politicallycorrect to change their team nickname, “the Indians.”Already opponents of the name have rejected thestudents’ first compromise, “the Drunken Indians.” …They feel that’s almost worse in a way, youknow?
[Photo of a cow] “Bessie the Cow,” the most famousbovine citizen of San Antonio, Texas, is now listed in”Ripley’s Believe It or Not” after giving birth to hertenth set of calf twins. Bessie also made “Ripley’s”under the category “Least Original Name for a Cow.”
[Photo of Jack Kevorkian] And, finally, in medicalnews there are reports that suicide doctor JackKevorkian is considering retirement. As Kevorkian putit: “I always said I’d quit the day it stopped beingfun.”
Norm MacDonald: Now, ladies and gentlemen, themoment we’ve all been waiting for here — the King ofAll Media, Howard Stern!
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to radiopersonality Howard Stern seated next to Norm. Theyshake hands.]
Howard Stern: Thank you, Norm. Thank you. Thankyou. Thank you. You know – you know, a lot of peopleare wondering what I’m doin’ here tonight and quitefrankly I’m wondering what I’m doin’ here as well.Actually, I’m, uh, on the road promoting my new movie– it’s opening up March 7th, it’s called “PrivateParts” — I want to invite all of America to come seeit. That’s what I’m doin’ here ’cause, quite frankly,I – I, uh… [Norm chuckles] I didn’t want to comehere tonight.
Norm MacDonald: You didn’t want to comehere?
Howard Stern: Well, I’m here under the guisethat I’m the, actually, the, uh– What would you callme?
Norm MacDonald: You’re the televisioncritic!
Howard Stern: Television critic! What a lamepremise. But, uh, yes, I’m the Television Critic and Imust tell you that I’m here to review Saturday NightLive. And I’m here to say that I think that ninetypercent of Saturday Night Live sucks. Uh, the sketchesare kind of weak, I think we’ll all agree. I think theonly good thing on Saturday Night Live is Norm –quite frankly, that’s why I’m here. [applause, Normgrins] He loves when I say that.
Norm MacDonald: No, no, I – I feel, like, I – Ifeel bashful when you say that.
Howard Stern: [not convinced] Oh, really?! So,anyway, no, Norm is, uh – Norm is the fun aspect ofthis thing and I– You know, they even asked me to doa couple of sketches…
Norm MacDonald: [encouragingly] Yeah,yeah!
Howard Stern: … and I refused. Well, itdidn’t go well. I suggested a couple of sketches. Sowhat I said to them was, tell you what, you haveKathie Lee and Regis. And they’re talkin’ about me andthey’re saying bad stuff about me and, you know,Kathie Lee’s like “I can’t believe he has a moviecomin’ out and all this and – and he makes fun of Codyand calls him the Incubus and he says I hope Codygrows up to be like a gay senator or something…” andit’s – it’s all wrong so I figured, while they’rebad-mouthing me, I come in disguise as Fartman, mysuperhero character, and I just blow Kathie Lee’s headoff. And this would have been a great sketch. [cheers]
Norm MacDonald: Yeah.
Howard Stern: You know what I mean? But theytold me that I couldn’t do it because they didn’t haveenough time to make, uh, Kathie Lee’s head explode,you know. So, then I said, what if we do a sketchwhere, me as Fartman, I come into Elizabeth Taylor’shospital room and while I’m in there I just blow thattumor right out of her head. And she’s in a coma andthe tumor just lands in a chocolate box and then Liz,when she wakes up, grabs the tumor thinking it’schocolate and eats it. Be a phenomenal sketch! But,anyway, they wouldn’t let me do any of this outrageousstuff, so I’m here to behave myself basically and justpromote my movie. So what I thought I’d do tonight,Norm, is give everybody a first look at a clip from mymovie, “Private Parts.”
Norm MacDonald: That’d be cool.
Howard Stern: This is me, take a look at this,this is me when I’m a young disc jockey. I looked alot different. I had a very geeky hairstyle, asopposed to my Louis XIV look that I have now. And itwas the first time while I was in Hartford and acelebrity actually came on to me. I mean, she invitedme up to her hotel room and I want to show that rightnow, if you don’t mind. So take a look at this clip,this is from “Private Parts” the movie, March 7th. Goahead.
[“Private Parts” movie clip: in a hotel room, abig-haired sexy starlet in a short sparkling dressescorts young Howard Stern to a sofa.]
Starlet: Sit down.
Young Howard Stern: [off the room] Nice.[Howard sits]
Starlet: I’ll be right back.
Young Howard Stern: Okay. [watches her walkinto the bathroom, turn the light on, remove hershoes]
Fred Norris: [Howard’s sound effects guy, at awet bar, to Howard] Hey, man. Free drinks. [startsfixing a drink]
Young Howard Stern: [clears his throat, watchesstarlet run bath water, murmurs quietly] What the hellis she doing?
Fred Norris: I think she’s running thebath.
[Both men watch as the starlet unzips the back of herdress]
Young Howard Stern: Oh, my God, man. She’staking her clothes off.
Fred Norris: I guess she forgot to close thedoor.
Young Howard Stern: She’s a Hollywood actress,they have a lot on their mind.
[Returning from the clip, we find Norm and Howardpeering at the off screen monitor and sevenbikini-clad women making out with each other behindthe WU desk.]
Howard Stern: Well, there it is! [some of thewomen start running their hands sensuously over Howardand Norm] That’s a clip from the movie “Private Parts”– I think everybody’s gonna love it. I suggest you goto the theater and, quite frankly, it’s a verysensitive love story between me and my wife. And yousee what’s going on here, Norm?
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, sure.
Howard Stern: A lot of this kind of stuff isn’tin my movie at all. [one woman drops into Howard’slap, women swarm all over Norm and Howard]
Norm MacDonald: Is there any of it atall?
Howard Stern: Well, some of this kind of stuffis in my movie but it’s not all of this kind ofstuff.
Norm MacDonald: [woman climbs into Norm’s lap]All right, Howard.
Howard Stern: And you’re really going to loveit. I want everybody to go to the theaters. It’s me asa disc jockey coming on and becoming The King of AllMedia. I think you’re gonna love it. Good night,everybody!
Norm MacDonald: Howard Stern, folks!
[Norm waves goodbye from beneath a couple of women,one of whom is trying to remove his jacket. Applause.Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]
Don Wong…..Jim Breuer Reggie Owens…..Tracy Morgan Mr. Fox…..Alec Baldwin Sarah…..Cheri Oteri French Maid…..Molly Shannon
1970’s ADULT FILM MUSIC PLAYS
A montage of photographs shows DON WONG & REGGIE OWENS posing with attractive adult films actresses from the 1970’s.
Announcer (V/O): Don Wong and Reggie Owens were two of the biggest porn stars in the 70’s. But their increasing disgust with the lifestyle led them to turn their back on the porn industry in an attempt to lead decent, honorable lives. This is their story… Wong & Owens — Ex-Porn Stars.
SUPER: Wong & Owens Ex-Porn Stars.
INT. OFFICE — MORNING
Don & Wong stand side-by-side. Both dressed in 1970’s clothing.
Don Wong: Man, we got to get it right this time. One more screw-up and the employment agency’s going to drop us.
Reggie Owens: Man, we got to get it right. I’m never going back to porn movies! Never!
MR. FOX, early 40’s, slicked back hair with blazer and polo shirt, ENTERS.
Mr. Fox: Good morning gentleman. It’s nice to meet you. You come highly recommended. I have only one piece of advice for you, guys — I am a born again Christian and I don’t want to force my beliefs on you. I expect you to behave in a decent Christian manner while working in the office. Now Sarah, will show you guys what you’ll be doing…
ENTER SARAH, early 30’s, brown business suit.
Sarah: Sure, sure. Hi, I’m Sarah. Don’t mind Mr. Fox… He does that all the time. So…
Sarah points to Don then Reggie.
Sarah: Don and… Reggie?
Reggie Owens: Yeah. Reginald Owens.
Sarah: I’m Sarah. Don, why don’t you start by sharpening those pencils for Mr. Fox? And Reggie, you come with me.
Don moves to a desk to sharpen pencils. Sarah leads Reggie to another desk. She and Reggie pick each up an envelope.
Sarah: Reggie, you’ll be stuffing these envelopes with our monthly billing requests. And when you stuff it, just lick it, and press it firmly.
Reggie Owens: Like this?
Reggie licks the envelope incorrectly. Sarah chuckles.
Sarah: No, no. Don’t be afraid to get it really wet.
Sarah licks her envelope in a correct manner.
Reggie Owens: Oh I like to get it wet.
PORN MUSIC BEGINS. Reggie starts to unbutton the lower buttons on his shirt.
Sarah: What?
A RECORD SCRATCH OFF SCREEN
Reggie Owens: I mean the envelopes. I lick envelopes really good.
Sarah: All right. I’m going to see how your friends doing.
Sarah trails off while Reggie licks envelopes. Don holds an electric pencil sharpener and inspects every angle. Sarah comes to his side.
Don Wong: Yo ma’am – I can’t work this doo-hickey over here.
Sarah takes the sharpener away from Don, who takes a seat.
Sarah: Here let me help you. Don’t be afraid to stick it all the way in there.
Sarah inserts a pencil into the sharpener.
Sarah: Go deep and hard. In and out.
PORN MUSIC RESUMES
Don rises from his seat, unzips his bell bottoms and unbuttons his top shirt buttons.
Don Wong: Yeah I’m going to go in and out.
Sarah: What are you doing!?
RECORD SCRATCH O/S
Don Wong: Nothing. This is all I know. The pencils…
Don takes a seat and starts sharpening pencils.
Don Wong: I got it.
Sarah scurries over to Reggie, who’s licking envelopes.
Sarah: Your friend is weird. How are the envelopes coming?
Reggie Owens: Pretty good.
Sarah: No Reggie.
Sarah picks up an envelope.
Sarah: Get your tongue on there really good and just wiggle back and forth — like this.
Sarah wiggles her tongue fast on the adhesive area. Reggie rises from his seat and grabs hold of Sarah. His force moves Sarah to walk backward toward the center of the office.
PORN MUSIC RESUMES
Reggie Owens: I’ll go back and forth all night. I’m the wiggle king.
Sarah: What are you doing?
Don joins Reggie. Reggie’s chest’s exposed and Don’s unzipping his bell-bottoms.
Both: We like to wiggle it.
Sarah: Why!!?? Stop it!!
Mr. Fox bolts from his office.
Mr. Fox: What the hell is going on here!?
RECORD SCRATCH O/S
Both: We’re sorry! We’re sorry!
Don Wong: This is all we know.
Mr. Fox: Owens in my office! You too, Don! Pronto!
Sarah leaves. Don & Reggie follow Mr. Fox into his office.
INT. MR FOX’S OFFICE
Mr. Fox seats himself at his desk. Don & Reggie take seats across from him.
Mr. Fox: What was that all about!?
Don Wong: Sir, I’m going to level with you. Me and Reggie here… back in the 70’s; we did adult films, man.
Don Wong: You got to believe us, sir. We’re just trying to work things out.
Mr. Fox: I’m going to let you boys in on a little secret. In the early 70’s I myself used to work in adult films. You may remember me as Captain Monster Rod Von Huge-En-Stein?
Reggie Owens: You’re Von Huge-En-Stein!?
Don Wong: Porn royalty!
Mr. Fox: You’re no slouches yourselves. You’re Wong and Owens. I know it’s hard to forget about the life and I sympathize with your struggles. But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. And now, you can put the life behind you.
Don Wong: I can dig it.
All share a 1970’s handshake. A scantily clad FRENCH MAID ENTERS.
French Maid: I’m here for the cleaning. Where do you want me to start?
Mr. Fox: Hold back fellas — Huge-En-Stein is back!!
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: March 15th, 1997 Sting Veruca Salt Mark Hamill Trudy Styler
A Message From the President of the United States In light of injury, President Clinton (Darrell Hammond) outlines line of succession. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Janet Reno, Al Gore.
Sting’s Monologue Sting wants support for the rainforest and creatures like Mr. Peepers (Chris Kattan). Recurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.
Evita Juan Peron (Norm MacDonald) is baffled when Eva Perone (Ana Gasteyer) breaks into song.
Middle Agers Middle Agers want to get naked for their crusade.
The Laid Back Neutral MC’s
Shopping At Home Network Mark Hamill is up on Don (Will Ferrell) & Eddie’s (Chris Kattan) sales block. Recurring Characters: Don, Eddie.
Rolf Rolf (Colin Quinn) spreads gossip with his fellow KKKers Recurring Characters: Rolf.
Brendan Boyle…..Colin Quinn Wee Ned Clancy…..Sting Male Leprechaun…..Jim Breuer Female Leprechaun…..Cheri Oteri Black Leprechaun…..Tracy Morgan Female Leprechaun #2…..Molly Shannon Male Leprechaun #2…..Tim Meadows
Announcer: Aye. From a mystical Irish village, it’s “The Brendan Boyle Show”.
Brendan Boyle: Indeed. Welcome to “The Brendan Boyle Show”, a program for leprechauns and people who care about leprechauns. Before we begin, I’d like to thank all of you’s for your cards and letters of suport, but now it’s official – I lost my job as the Lucky Charms spokesman. So, to the folks at General Mills, you can take your yellow moons, blue diamonds and green clovers, and shove them up your ruby-red arse! Now, tonight we are devoting the entire program to a very special guest. His new book – Limericks and Laughs – is a big sensation all over the world. So, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado: the master of the limerick, Wee Ned Clancy.
[ cut to Wee Ned Clancy sitting atop a giant mushroom ]
Wee Ned Clancy: Ah, thank you, thank you very much, Love! I feel like writing another topic, so let’s go into Wee. Would someone please shout out the name of a place, a town, a city, or a country?
[ audience members murmur ]
Male Leprechaun: Tahiti!
Wee Ned Clancy: Tahiti..
There once was a gal from Tahiti Who cooked for her husband, baked ziti. He took just a bite His face turned all white And said, “That sauce is too meaty!”
[ leprechauns applaud ]
Oh, thank you! That was an easy one. Can I get another one, please?
Female Leprecaun: Poughkeepsie!
Wee Ned Clancy: Poughkeepsie.. [ thinking ]
There once was a man from Poughkeepsie Who mistakenly married a gypsy When cooking beef stew, She said, “Put rum in there, too. And, boy, you’re making me tipsy!”
[ leprechauns relunctantly clap ]
Poughkeepsie, that was a little trouble. But you can do better, give me another.
Black Leprechaun: Aye! Santo Domingo.
Wee Ned Clancy: Santo Domingo.. aye.
“There once was a lady from Santo Domingo Who was wed to a young man who liked to play bingo She cooks him a dinner But it wasn’t a winner It was roast beef that tasted like dingo!”
[ laughs, but gets no response from his audience ]
For those of you who don’t know, the dingo is a wild Australian dog, and believe me, it’s no culinary delight. Now, another place name, please?
Female Leprechaun #2: I don’t have a place, but Ijust wanted to know why all the limericks involve a woman cooking for her husband, and the food not tasting good?
Wee Ned Clancy: Well, saints preserve us. That’s not me intention at all. It must have been sheer coincedence that the theme is so strikingly similar. Now, to make it up to you, here’s a little limerick that I’ve been working on that might change your outlook a bit:
“There once was a whore in the crowd Who spoke foolish nonsense aloud. And, after the show the star came up to her row and gave her a beating that would make Jack Dempsey proud!”
Male Leprechaun #2: Now, look now, Wee Ned! I won’t be letting you talk to me wife like that! I don’t care who you are! And, besides, that last little rhyme had too many syllables!
Wee Ned Clancy: Oh, you don’t like a lot of syllables, do ya? Well, I’ve got a brand new one that’ll simply blow you away with wit and syllabic brevity! You ready?
Male Leprechaun #2: [ unsure ] Uh.. yeah..
Wee Ned Clancy: “There once was a stupid leprechaun, married to a loudmouth idiot woman of a different race!, who interrupted Wee Ned with her little sanciomonious horsecrap! But Wee Ned was happy, ’cause he’s making much more money from this one appearance than this moron couple will make in their entire miserable lives!”
[ a little tiny leprechaun offers a standing ovation for Ned – even the interracial leprechaun couple join in ]
Thank you!
Brendan Boyle: Well, there you have it, then. Thanks for tuning in to this very special episode. Join us next week, when our guests will be the Keebler Elf and David Spade. ‘Til then – up the Irish!
General: People of Argentina, your esteemed presidente, Juan Peron!
Crowd: Peron! Peron! Peron!
Juan Peron: [ steps onto the balcony with wife Eva by his side ] Argentina, let the world know that our great nation is awakening. They will carve peace into the humble bodies of Juan Peron, and his wife, Eva Peron.
Eva Peron: [ singing ] “Don’t cry for me, Argentina The truth is I never left you All through my wild days My mad existence I kept my promise Don’t keep your distance.”
Juan Peron: What the hell was that?
Eva Peron: What was what?
Juan Peron: You were singing.
Eva Peron: Oh.. I, I, I did, didn’t I?
Juan Peron: Yeah, yeah, don’t do that! [ to crowd ] Heh heh heh heh, heh heh heh heh. As I was saying, I came from the people! And..
Eva Peron: [ takes microphone and sings again ] “I came from the people They need to adore me To Christine Dior me From my head to my toes I need to be dazzling I want to be rainbow high! They must have excitement And so must I!”
Juan Peron: [ pulls microphone away ] What the hell are you doing, Generalissimo?
General: I don’t know. It just came out.
Juan Peron: Just came out? [ to crowd ] Heh heh heh, I’ll be with you in a second. [ turns back to General ] Look, I appointed you my general because of your strength, your cunning, your tactical brilliance.
General: And my singing voice!
Juan Peron: No! No, not your singing voice! It has nothing to do with your voice! These people don’t need singing. You know what they need? They need an iron fist! They must be treated ruthlessly! They’re filthy, stinking animals! [ to revolting crowd ] Not you people, the other people! You, I, I like! [ to General ] Okay, look, I will speak, and no singing! People of Buenos Aires! [ clapping becomes rythmic ]
Eva Peron: [ sings again, as Soldiers behind her dance ] “What’s new, Buenos Aires I’m new I wanna say I’m a little stuck on you You’ll be on me too.”
Soldiers: [ singing ] “Fill her up with your heat, with your noise With your dirt”
General: “Overdue her!”
Soldiers: [ singing ] “Let her dance to your beat, make it loud Let it hurt.”
General: “Run it through her!”
General and Eva Peron: “Hello, Buenos Aires!”
Juan Peron: Okay, okay. Guess what? You’re not a general any more!
General: I’m confused..
Juan Peron: You’re confused? I’m confused, how did you all learn to sing together like that?
Soldier #1: I was just listening to what he was singing, and then imitated him! I’ll show you. Generalissimo, sing a little more.
General: Hello, Buenos Aires!”
General, Eva, Soldiers: [ singing in chorus ] “I’m new I wanna say I’m a little stuck on you You’ll be stuck on me too.”
[ Soldier #4 prances on ledge; Juan pushes him off ]
Juan Peron: Now, people, we have to work together on this!
General: [ points downward ] Oh, my God! An uprising.
Juan Peron: Yes! Yes! An uprising, of course, with the singing! [ pushes climbing protester off the balcony ] Back, you stinking animal! You stinking, filthy animal! Not you, people! Him! He’s the stinking, filthy..
[ Villagers bust onto the balcony, pointing guns ]
Villager: This is the end, Peron! Any last words?
Juan Peron: Uh.. Yes! Yes! [ feeble attempt to sing ] “Don’t cry for me, Argentina!” Ha ha! People, help me sing a little bit here! I have no musical.. accompaniment. Come on, everybody! Let’s sing! Let’s sing a song!
Villager: Prepare to die!
Juan Peron: Bodyguards! [ they surround him ] Ha! Now, try anything, and my bodyguards will rip you to pieces like this! [ snaps fingers, as bodyguards prance away from him ] Ha.. This is not good.
Everyone: [ singing ] “Don’t cry for me, Argentina The truth is I never left you All through my wild days My mad existence I kept my promise Don’t keep your distance..”
Don West…Will Ferrell Eddie Lewis….Chris Kattan Jeff….Jim Breuer ….Mark Hamill
[Opens with the Shopping at Home Network logo. Theme music. Cut to Don and Eddie with their wild behavior and mustaches. “Star Wars” and “The Empire Strikes Back” posters are up in the back of the TV studio]
Don West: We are back here at the Shop at Home Network. I’m Don West.
Eddie Lewis: And I’m Eddie Lewis.
Don West: And we still have another 4 hours to go on our “Star Wars” bonanza.
Eddie Lewis: That is right, Don. And this “Star Wars” merchandise is been flying out the door like crazy!
Don West: Certainly has. Unfortunately, we are completely sold out of the Jawa’s ashtrays.
Eddie Lewis: That is beautiful! Really missed out on that one!
[Close-up on the Jawa ashtray. Four action figures Jawas glued to an ashtray]
Caption: Sold out.
Don West: But we are sold out of those.
Eddie Lewis: No more Jawa ashtrays but we still have fifty “Star Wars” baseball cards collection left.
Don West: And that includes the “Chewbacca if he played for the Brewers card”.
[Close-up on baseball card of Chewbacca dressed as a baseball player holding a bat]
Eddie Lewis: That is lovely.
Don West: He’s a second base man there.
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, beautiful item.
Don West: That is a good looking card.
Eddie Lewis: That’s a winner. Right now we want to bring out an item which we have only one of.
Don West: Now, this is pretty much the ultimate “Star Wars” collectible.
Eddie Lewis: By far.
Don West: Jeff, why don’t you bring out the item? If you could.
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, what do we got here?
[Jeff enters with a handcuffed man wearing a black hood over his head. Jeff wears a similar mustache]
Jeff: Well, I’m gonna show you.
Don West: What do we got here?
Jeff: I’m gonna show ya’.[takes the hood from the man’s head and its actor Mark Hamill] This is the actual Mark Hamill!!
Caption: Mark Hamill
Eddie Lewis: That’s beautiful!
Jeff: The actual!
Don West: Amazing!
Eddie Lewis: Hell of a guy!
Jeff: The actual!
Don West: Apparently, now correct me if I’m wrong, but apparently we kidnapped him and forced him at gunpoint which allows us to sell him.
Eddie Lewis: Right.
Jeff: Got to do what you got to do.
Mark Hamill: How is it going, everybody?
Don West: Now, how much is this item going for?
Jeff: I’m gonna tell ya’. This item–are you ready? Is going for $80,000 dollars!!
Caption: Mark Hamill $80,000
Eddie Lewis: THAT IS A HELL OF A DEAL!
Don West: Now ordinarily, you’re gonna pay 100 grand for Mark Hamill.
Eddie Lewis: At least! This is a great item! If you’re at home, you can make your own “Star Wars” sequels with a camcorder!
Don West: Sure. You can make him interact with your own “Star Wars” action figures also.
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, you can just have him stand on the lawn and wave at the neighbors!
Mark Hamill: Now, wait a minute, you guys, that wasn’t part of the agreement. I specifically said “No waving”.
Don West: And this is not a counterfeit Hamill.
Eddie Lewis: Real McCoy.
Don West: I know last year we sold a Hamill that turned out to be a Bruce Boxleitner.
Eddie Lewis: Oh, yeah. But, we assure you this is the Mark Hamill!
Caption: Not Bruce Boxleitner
Jeff: Absolutely. Just listen to him say “May the force be with you”.
Eddie Lewis: Go on, Mark.
Mark Hamill: Wait a minute, I didn’t even say that in the movie.
Don West: Just say it, Mark. Say it.
Mark Hamill:[sighs]”May the force be with you”.
Eddie Lewis: WOW!
[Eddie, Jeff and Don laugh. Telephone rings]
Don West: Fantastic! I think we have a buyer! Hello, caller.
[Voice of caller from the telephone]
Caller: Yeah, I’m thinking about buying this guy but, um, I wanna be sure he’s the real thing. Can you make him say “Luke, I am your father”.
Mark Hamill: W-wait a minute, caller. Now, I didn’t say that. Darth Vader said it.
Don West: Just play ball, Hamill.
Eddie Lewis: Just do it.
Don West: Just play ball.
Mark Hamill: All right.[deep voice]”Luke, I am your father.”
Don West: That’s nice.
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, beautiful.
Caller: Uh, I’m sorry, man. That sucked.[hangs up]
Eddie Lewis: THAT WAS YOUR LOSS!
Don West: Ok, people out there may be worried because they’re wondering “where are we gonna keep a Mark Hamill?”
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, he’s easy to care for. Go ahead, tell them, Mark.
Mark Hamill: Well, I can live in the basement. I mainly eat bread and apples.
Don West: That sounds like no hassle at all!
Eddie Lewis: No problems!
Don West: Now, think about it—you can ask Luke Skywalker all the questions you always wanted to ask him.
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, like this–hey, Luke, is C3PO gay?
Mark Hamill: Uh, no. He was a robot.
Don West: Or like this—hey, Luke, what was Yoda really like?
Eddie Lewis: Great question.
Mark Hamill: What are you talking about? He was a puppet.
Don West: OF THE EMPIRE?! NO WAY!
Eddie Lewis: I NEVER KNEW THAT!
[telephone rings]
Eddie Lewis: Ok, I think this is it!
Don West: Hello, caller. Caller?
[Caller over the phone]
Caller: Make him say “I love the smell of napalm in the morning”.
Mark Hamill: Oh, come on! That was “Apocalypse Now”.
[Don and Eddie stare at Mark]
Mark Hamill: “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”
Caller: [laughs]Say “sit on it” like Fonzie.
Mark Hamill: “Hey, sit on it!”
Caller: Say “I’m kissing your neck and you’re my love toy”
Don West: Ok, caller. We gotta move on.[hangs up]
Eddie Lewis: Ok, listen up people, listen to me. Forget that he’s Luke Skywalker. This is a human being! We’re selling it! Here!
Don West: Hell, you can make him lift heavy objects for you.
Eddie Lewis: Or you can make him dust the house in a French-maid outfit.
[telephone rings]
Don West: Hello, caller. What’s your name? And where are you from?
Caller: This is Harrison Ford. Hollywood.
Don West: Oh, wow.
Mark Hamill: Hey, Harrison! Thank God!
Harrison Ford: Hey, you guys already stuck me with the Bruce Boxleitner. Had to put him to sleep. Are you sure that’s really Hamill?
Don West: We guarantee it!
Mark Hamill: Come on! Of course its me! We worked together 3 times! Come on!
Harrison Ford: Aw, what the hell?[yawns] I’ll take it.[hangs up]
Caption: Sold out.
Eddie Lewis: All right!
Mark Hamill: Yes![leaves]
Eddie Lewis: That is great! We are sold out of Mark Hamill!! Totally sold out of them!
Don West: We’re sold out! They’re gone!
Eddie Lewis: Out!
Don West: Next up, we’re gonna be offering Kenny Baker, the guy that was inside R2D2 for only $3,000!
Caption: Kenny Baker $3,000.
Eddie Lewis: $3,000 DOLLARS! I’VE SEEN KENNY BAKER GO FOR FIVE GRAND!!
Norm MacDonald: Oh, thank you. I’m NormMacDonald and now the fake news. Our top storytonight:
Yesterday, President Clinton underwent a two houroperation to repair damage to his knee suffered in afall while visiting in Florida at the home ofprofessional golfer Greg Norman. Many were surprisedto hear that the two were on friendly terms since GregNorman had once threatened that if he ever caughtClinton with his wife again he’d smash his kneecapwith a 5-iron.
The President spent last night at Bethesda NavalHospital in a private room which he shared with threeChinese businessmen who came up with the required twohundred thousand dollars. [applause]
More bad news for O. J. This week, Harper Collinsreached an agreement with the Brown family to publishhis late wife’s diary. Especially troublesome toSimpson is this final entry: “Dear Diary, I have torun now because O. J.’s here to murder me … and alsothe guy who returned my glasses. I think he mightmurder him, too!”
In North Carolina, a legislative panel has agreed on abill which guarantees a murder victim’s family twofront-row seats to watch the execution. The ruling hasangered both North Carolina’s death penalty opponentsAND death penalty season ticket holders.
And in Fairbanks, Alaska, a new high-tech emergencyphone system will give operators the name and addressof anyone who calls 911. [pulls a small tape recorderout of his jacket pocket, activates it, and speaksquietly into it] Note to self: Ahh, don’t make anymore prank 911 calls … in Fairbanks, Alaska. [triesto return recorder, misses pocket several times] … Iknow I have a pocket here somewhere …
President Clinton this week declined an offer byRepublicans to form a bipartisan commission to scaleback annual increases in Social Security. Asked why herejected the proposal, the President said, quote:”Personally, I liked the idea of a bipartisancommission. However, the two Chinese guys who gave mea million dollars, they – they didn’t go for it!” …They – they just didn’t like the idea.
[Photo of Heinz ketchup bottle label] And in financialnews, H. J. Heinz has announced plans to lay off threethousand workers. According to company spokesmen,employees who refuse to budge will be turned over andshaken vigorously until they slide out. … [applause]… Much like ketchup!
Norm MacDonald: Well, St. Patrick’s Day isalmost upon us. Here with an editorial, my goodfriend, Colin Quinn! Hey, Colin. [cheers and applause,pan over to a slightly drunken Colin Quinn who wavesto the camera and holds a clear plastic cup which ishalf full of ice cubes and wine]
Colin Quinn: Thank you, Norm. Thank you. Lastyear at this time, I told you about some of the St.Patrick’s Day hazards. But it’s more than wearinggreen and punching people in the face. It’s supposedto honor Saint Patrick, a thirteenth century saint whowore green and punched people in the face. I rememberone year, I went to the parade, I got all dressed upin the religious garb of the holiday: the buttons, thederby, the shillelagh, and I had the half pint ofSouthern Comfort, all the trappings of New York,enfant terrible, whatever. [to Norm who has saidnothing] What? [drinks from his cup]
Norm MacDonald: Started celebrating a littleearly there, did ya, Col?
Colin Quinn: [laughs, wipes his mouth, garbleshis next line] On those St. Patrick’s Day’s you floundout– You flound– Flah– Found out. Found out. [toNorm] See, you messed me up.
Norm MacDonald: [quietly supportive] No, no.Just keep going, it’s good.
Colin Quinn: [to Norm, waving dismissively]You’re ridiculous. You’re a ridiculous person. [triesto continue] If you found out that your green beer–[to Norm] I’m tryin’ to say somethin’ here.
Norm MacDonald: I – I know. Colin, it’s good.Keep going.
Colin Quinn: [sarcastic, to Norm] Oh, thank youfor your approval … Mr. Weekend Update WittyComedian, whatever … All right. You said I’m doin’good so I must be doin’ good, then. Thanks. [knockscup over, spilling ice on Update desk, then pushes iceback into cup]
Norm MacDonald: [to the camera] It’s live TV,folks, I’m sorry about–
Colin Quinn: You never knocked over a cupbefore, Norm? We had free wine backstage after thething, so…
Norm MacDonald: What do you mean, “we”? Who’s”we”?
Colin Quinn: We, we. We, me, you. Look … It’sridiculous. Now, I gotta hear from Lorne Michaels, youknow, “This is not the way we do it on the show. Yougotta play by the rules.” And Jim Downey, “Colin,that’s not how we do things.” I wanted to talk aboutSt. Patrick’s Day. And they made me cut out the partthat I was – needed to explain to you people.
Norm MacDonald: All right. [tries to wrap itup] Colin Quinn, everybody! Colin Quinn!
Colin Quinn: Don’t do that, Norm! Don’t youdare do that! Don’t you patronize me!
Norm MacDonald: No, I’m not, uh–
Colin Quinn: I was a comedian longer than you!I was on “Remote Control,” Norm! [cheers and applause]Yeah. You infantile jerk. Garbage. This is bushleague! Garbage! Bush league! Bush league!
Norm MacDonald: [gestures to someone offscreen] Okay, come on in, please. [two uniformedsecurity guards enter and gesture for Colin to leavequietly] Sorry, Colin.
Colin Quinn: [willingly rises] Okay! You’rebush league, Norm. Bush league. [exits with guards,applause]
Norm MacDonald: He’s a – he’s a – he’s a – theguy just shouldn’t – he shouldn’t drink. He’s a good -he’s a good guy.
In Portland, Oregon, eight anthropologists are incourt arguing the constitutional right to study aninety-three hundred year old Native American skeletonwhich a local tribe wants to re-bury. Though the casehas merit, authorities are suspicious that one of thepeople involved in the suit is not really ananthropologist. [Photo of Michael Jackson, Norm jerksa thumb at the photo frantically] It’s – it’s this guyover here!
In New York, police have arrested a local Queens man,whom they are calling the “serial fondler.”Apparently, the man suffers from an intense desire torun up behind women and squeeze their buttocks.Psychologists call this impulse, quote, “normal.”
This week, the White House asked Congress to authorizeone hundred and seventy-five billion dollars in fundsfor highway construction, mass transit, and othertransportation projects. The President’s plan hassignificant support in Congress but many Washingtoninsiders are wondering how exactly this benefitsChina.
In New Mexico this week, lawmakers passed a measure toabolish the state’s fifteen year statute oflimitations on first-degree murder. [pulls outrecorder again] Note to self: Cancel plans to returnto New Mexico. [nods thoughtfully, grins, returnsrecorder]
Asked recently what will set his new Batman film apartfrom it’s predecessors, “Batman and Robin” directorJoel Schumacher said, quote: “In this one, all thecostumes will have nipples.” [Norm pulls out recorderone last time] Note to self: Do not watch the next”Batman and Robin.” [nods, grins, returnsrecorder]
In Duluth, Minnesota, authorities suspect arson was toblame for a fire that destroyed a mobile home andkilled seventy-three cats. The chief suspect so far:this dog. [Photo of dog] … Dogs don’t care for catsmuch, you know? [chuckles] How could they not knowthat?!
Norm MacDonald: The revival of the musical”Annie” is soon to hit Broadway but not withoutcontroversy. Last year, or last week, rather, the starof the show, twelve year old Joanna Pacitti wasabruptly replaced with her eight year old understudy,Brittny Kissinger. We have invited the recently firedtot to Update to see how she is dealing with thisunfortunate turn of events. Hi, Joanna! [applause fora grinning, robotic Joanna Pacitti, dressed as LittleOrphan Annie in red wig, red and white dress, etc. Sheis an obnoxiously loud and chipperpsycho-Annie.]
Joanna Pacitti: Hi, Norm!
Norm MacDonald: H-hi. Gee, Joanna, you know,I’m really sorry to hear what happened. You’ve beenthrough a lot in these past few weeks and– How areyou dealing with all this?
Joanna Pacitti: Well, Norm, I just think, “Hey!What would Annie do?!” And she’d say, “Gosh! It’s ahard knock life but the sun’ll come out tomorrow!”[takes a deep breath and starts to sing] The–
Norm MacDonald: [quickly interrupts] Oooookay,okay. Okay, that’s good. Now, you know, uh, I seeyou’re still wearing the costume from the show. You’regonna be takin’ that off soon I guess, huh?
Joanna Pacitti: What costume, Norm?!
Norm MacDonald: Okay, I, uh– I hear now alsothat you’ve been – you’ve been postering child–you’ve been pestering, rather, child welfare to placeyou in an orphanage. Why, why an orphanage?
Joanna Pacitti: Well, where else would anorphan stay, silly?! I mean, a chicken stays in achicken coop, right?! Here, Sandy! Wanna treat?! [putsa furry, mechanical toy pig on the Update desk andoffers it a dog treat shaped like a bone] Fetch!Catch! Jump, Sandy! FETCH, SANDY!!! [hurls the treataway as Norm chuckles nervously at her irrationalbehavior, the pig oinks and wiggles its tail]
Norm MacDonald: Hey, ya got a toy pig, there.[Joanna is so preoccupied with Sandy the pig that Normmust raise his voice to get her attention] Listen, uh,you know, Joanna, Joanne! Uh, there’s someone elsewho’s concerned about you and, uh, would like to wishyou well, we’ve got here on, uh–
Joanna Pacitti: Daddy Warbucks?!
Norm MacDonald: No, no, it’s not DaddyWarbucks. No. No, it’s your replacement, it’s adorableBrittny Kissinger, coming to us live from rehearsal.Hi, Brittny!
[Cut to Brittny Kissinger, just as obnoxiously loudand chipper as Joanna and also dressed as LittleOrphan Annie. She stands in front of a brick wall uponwhich is painted: Martin Beck Theatre STAGE DOOR.SUPER: Live / Martin Beck Theatre]
Brittny Kissinger: Hi, Norm! I’m havin’ ablast!
[Cut back to the WU desk where Joanna has torn off herred wig and is crying silently at the sight of Brittnyas Annie]
Norm MacDonald: Oh, that’s great! Brittny …Brittny, is there something you want to say to Joannehere?
[Cut to Brittny]
Brittny Kissinger: There sure is, Norm! [piano music in, sings the show’s hit song,”Tomorrow”] The sun’ll come out tomorrow Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there’ll besun!
[Cut to Joanna, clutching her wig, her make-upsmeared, crying horribly; Cut to Brittny, singing herheart out]
Brittny Kissinger: [sings] Jus’ thinking about tomorrow Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow Till there’s none
[Cut to Joanna, a lit cigarette in her mouth as sherepeatedly and violently stabs Sandy the pig with ahuge knife; Cut to Brittny]
Brittny Kissinger: [sings] Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow, You’re always a day away! Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow, You’re always …
[Cut to Joanna, kneeling atop the WU desk, cigarettestill in mouth, waving a gun, screamingincomprehensibly; the two security guards return tograb her]
Joanna Pacitti:… a day away! [yellingat the guards as they try to drag her off] Get off me!Get off me! I’m the real Annie! Get off me, you fatbastard! Get off me, you fat bastard!
[Joanna and the guards exit, applause – During thestruggle, Joanna’s lit cigarette pops out of her mouthand lands on the desk, right next to Norm who focusesall his attention on it. He picks it up and looksaround for a way to dispose of it. When it becomesclear that no one is coming to take the burning buttaway, he finally holds it casually and addresses thecamera.]
Norm MacDonald: [ironic] Well, that was fun,wasn’t it? [tries to balance the cigarette on itsfilter atop the desk but someone off screen gets hisattention] What’s that? Yeah, I know. [sees the cuecard] Oh, you want me to say that? [looks off screenfor confirmation] You’d like me to say that? [readsoff cue card] “Thanks, ladies. And parents: keep yourkids out of show business!” [turns to another camera]I said it!
Weekend Update’s… [the screen abruptly goes dark,view shifts to another camera, Norm doesn’t realizethis and continues to face the dead camera whiletrying to hold the cigarette nonchalantly] … 1997survey of the “Most Dangerous Jobs in America” is outtoday. The biggest change, last year’s Number One,”West Coast Rap Star”– [Norm finally realizes he’slooking into the wrong camera, looks into the livecamera] You know, it would probably be better if I wasover on this camera… [cheers and applause, the viewshifts, a grinning Norm turns to the live camera]Okay. Well, now that I’m over on this camera, it’dprobably be better if you put the cards over here![greater cheers and applause, Norm puts the cigaretteon the edge of the desk, starts reading the cue cardsagain] … last year’s Number One … [stops reading]Let’s– Why don’t we start at the start of the jokenow?! [long pause while the cue card person organizesthe cards] Okay, no, this is all right. I’ll just makeit up. …
The 1997 “Most Dangerous Jobs in America” is out. Andthis year a little bit of a change. Last year’s NumberOne — “West Coast Rap Star”… [Norm glances aroundas if expecting another screw-up] … has been knockedout of the top spot by the new most dangerous job inAmerica: “East Coast Rap Star.” [mild reaction fromthe crowd] … Imagine if it had all gone well![applause as Norm grins and nods]
And, finally, next week, people everywhere willcelebrate St. Patrick’s Day. Or, as alcoholics referto it, Monday.
That’s it, folks! Good night!
[Norm flashes a peace sign and starts taking themicrophone off his necktie. Applause. Music. Dissolveto the WEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]
Air Date:
Note to Self: When jumping from a fake balcony, duck below the camera to create the illusion of reality!