Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonaldand now the fake news. Our top story tonight:
Embattled House Speaker Newt Gingrich may finally havesolved his financial troubles. On Thursday, Gingrichannounced that former Senator Bob Dole has loaned himthe three hundred thousand dollars needed to pay hisethics committee fine. And today, more good news forGingrich: Dole has already forgotten he loaned him themoney.
Meanwhile, Gingrich this week criticized AttorneyGeneral Janet Reno’s decision not to seek anindependent counsel to investigate Democratic fundraising, even comparing her to notorious Watergatefigure John Mitchell. Reno called the comparisonridiculous, saying, quote: “For one thing, JohnMitchell did not have a mustache.”
In an interview this week with Diane Sawyer, Mafiaturncoat Sammy “The Bull” Gravano revealed that JohnGotti once considered trying to buy a presidentialpardon for five million dollars. According to Gravano,however, he and Gotti were too afraid to get involvedwith, quote: “those kinds of people.” [Photo of Billand Hillary Clinton]
According to O. J. Simpson’s niece Terry Baker, whenO. J.’s mother, Eunice Simpson, first heard about theslaying of Nicole Brown, she exclaimed, “He did it!”Reached for comment, O. J. said, “My mom was justguessing, I hadn’t even told her yet.”
Man in Audience: Boo!
Norm MacDonald: [chuckles at the heckler’sbooing and joins in] Boo.
Secretary of State Madeline Albright has announcedthat she will represent the United States this summerat ceremonies marking the transfer of British HongKong to Chinese rule. President Clinton also plans toattend the event but he will be representing China, so… [applause]
This week, as America marked the fiftieth anniversaryof Jackie Robinson’s entry into major league baseball,there was a sobering reminder that racial prejudice insports is not yet a thing of the past. In a shockingmove today, all but one of the one hundred andtwenty-five playing members of the Professional GolfAssociation have signed a petition to ban AfricanAmerican golfers from the tour. [Photo of Tiger Woods]
In Los Angeles this week, actor Arnold Schwarzeneggerunderwent heart surgery to repair a faulty heartvalve. Doctors were concerned because during a routineexamination of Schwarzenegger, they got a littleturned on. … They became concerned, you know, whensomething like that’ll happen, you know. [pause]That’s a pause for thought for whatever…”
In Indiana, the State legislature has approved a lawrequiring professional hypnotists to be trained ataccredited institutions and certified by the statemedical licensing board. Hmm … [pulls tape recorderfrom pocket, activates it and speaks into it] Note toself: Cancel plans to tour Indiana as hypnotist thissummer. … [shuts off recorder but then reconsidersand turns it back on] Oh wait, wait! Ignore previousnote. Instead, note to self: Get fake hypnotismdiploma and proceed as planned! [nods and grins smuglyas he pockets recorder]
According to a survey in the new issue of Men’s HealthMagazine, men are more likely to procrastinate thanwomen. Except when it comes to having orgasms. …[applause]
Last week in Tampa, Florida, William Santiago, a mailcarrier for twenty-seven years, was fired from his joband now faces up to five years in jail for keeping twomagazines which had been sent to a nonexistentaddress. Postal officials admit that they could havelet him off with just a warning but then he wouldn’tcome back some day and shoot thirty people. So …they decided to be a little strict.
Last week in Kansas City, two people that were– twohome– two people– [pause] Oh, drat! Two– [cheersand applause in reference to Norm’s cussing on theprevious episode]
Two homeless people who met at a soup kitchen weremarried in front of homeless guests at the very samesoup kitchen. For those who want to give the couple awedding gift, they are registered at Kansas City’sDistrict 5 Recycling Plant.
In South Dakota, inmates at the State Penitentiary saythat a new policy which allows officials to read theirmail is an example of the routine violations ofindividual rights in prison. A better example would bethe daily anal rapes but I guess they want to startoff small and then … [laughter but also some booingfrom a heckler in the crowd] … then work up to thedaily anal rapes. You know, they’ll start off with thereading their mail, you know…
With the resignation of two police officers inVergennes, Vermont, the city’s 2,500 residents are nowleft with only one policeman. [pulls out his recorderagain] Note to self: Uh, if I get fired for cursing onthe air last week, drive up to Vergennes, Vermont,hypnotize the remaining policeman … and loot town!… [grinning broadly, Norm pockets his recorder]Yeah, okay. [cheers and applause]
And, finally, the votes are in and EntertainmentWeekly has chosen its Funniest Man Alive. And who isthe Funniest Man Alive? You guessed it — FrankStallone! … Congratulations, Frank Stallone!
And that’s the way it is! Good night!
[Applause. Norm pushes back from the desk and startsto take the microphone off his necktie. Music.Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]
First Friend of Brasky…..Will Ferrell Second Friend of Brasky…..John Goodman Third Friend of Brasky…..Mark McKinney Guy in Stands…..Tim Meadows Parent…..Ana Gasteyer
Scene opens with a shot of a little league game in progress and the Brasky Buddies sitting on bleachers along with other parents.
First Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!!
Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah, best damn salesman in the office.
Third Friend of Brasky: Hey, to Bill Brasky!!
All: BILL BRASKY!
First Friend of Brasky: An eight-foot, two-ton monster who can palm a medicine ball! Thats what he is.
Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah!
Parent: Excuse me, a lot of us have come here to watch our children. Would you please just stop drinking and yelling?!
First Friend of Brasky: You got a nice caboose on you, honey.
Third Friend of Brasky: Ya sure do!
Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah!
Parent: You are horrible men!
Second Friend of Brasky: (yelling off screen) Come on Junior! If you dont catch the ball Ill put the dog to sleep!!
First Friend of Brasky: Youre a fine father!
Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah, last night, I tried to kill myself again.
There is a long pause
First Friend of Brasky: So anyways, Brasky would put on a white tie and tails and walk his pet cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra “Beverly”. And he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day, it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes, Brasky had to shoot the maid.
Second Friend of Brasky: Brasky would use his own thigh as an anvil!!
Third Friend of Brasky: You know, it was the sight of Braskys naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane!
Second Friend of Brasky: He showers in grain alcohol!!
First Friend of Brasky: He uses the Shroud of Terin as a golf towel!!
Second Friend of Brasky: He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident!!
Third Friend of Brasky: He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls!!
First Friend of Brasky: His first name is BILL!! (long pause) Im drunk.
Second Friend of Brasky: Yeah. He makes every woman that sleeps with him, refer to him as Bear Bryant!!
First Friend of Brasky: He once ate the bible while water skiing!!
Third Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you? He once had sex with a cigarette machine!!
First Friend of Brasky: (says something incoherent in a drunken slur) Youre damn right and every kid on this field was FATHERED BY BILL BRASKY!! Every one of em!!
All: BILL BRASKY!!!
Guy In Stands: Hey! Are you guys talking about Bill Brasky??
All: WE SURE ARE!!
Guy In Stands: I KNOW BILL BRASKY!!
First Friend of Brasky: I wanna be your dear friend!!
(Suddenly a loud, deep off screen voice chimes in)
Bill Brasky: HEY EVERYBODY, THIS GAMES CALLED ON A COUNT OF SCOTCH!!! CAUSE BILL BRASKY WANTS A DRINK!!!
Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gasteyer Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon “Fireball”…..John Goodman
Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCulen.
Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.
Margaret Jo McCullen: And you’re listening to..
Together: “The Delicious Dish”, on National Public Radio.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Teri, the days are getting longer, and the mercury is rising.
Teri Rialto: It sure is, Margaret Jo. And that cna only mean one thing.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Now.. one of my favorite things about summer is that you can have your meals outside.
Teri Rialto: That is neat.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah. It’s fun. It’s warm. It’s warm outside.
Teri Rialto: Yeah. Summer’s my favorite season.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Same here. Because it’s hotter than the rest of the year.
Teri Rialto: It sure is.
Margaret Jo McCullen: It’s fun, isn’t it?
Teri Rialto: It’s neat.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Fun.
Teri Rialto: Good times. Now, we have some exciting ideas on how to keep cool during these summer months.
Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s right, Teri. One of my favoritesummer treats is a nice tall glass of soda water.
Teri Rialto: Mmm.. me, too. Sometimes, to keep things interesting, I like to add a little bit of ice.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Thanks for bringing that up.
Teri Rialto: You’re welcome.
Margaret Jo McCullen: I see your point.
Teri Rialto: Thank you. And, actually, I don’t know if you noticed, there are many different kinds of ice.
Margaret Jo McCullen: You’re absolutely right. There’s cubed ice.
Teri Rialto: Crushed ice.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Cracked ice.
Teri Rialto: Shaved ice.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Shaved ice? I didn’t know ice could growa beard!
[ they laugh ]
Teri Rialto: That’s funny! Did you just think of that right now?
Margaret Jo McCullen: No, I thought of it last night and wrote it down.
Teri Rialto: You’re very funny.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Thanks.
Teri Rialto: You’re so fun to be around.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Thanks, so are you. It’s fun being with you.
Teri Rialto: You’re welcome. But you know, Margaret Jo, you could soda water all you want, but it still wouldn’t be summer without one thing.
Margaret Jo McCullen: That’s right. We’re so thrilled to have our special guest with us today.
Teri Rialto: I feel really thrilled.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Me, too. He’s the two-time winner of theGreat American Chili Cookoff, and his spicy five-alarm chili recipes are all I need to get my bronco bucking.
Teri Rialto: So please welcome – Rusty “Fireball” Wilson. Thanks for coming, “Fireball”.
“Fireball”: You’re sure welcome. Wow. I’m really fired up to be here.
Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, “Fireball”, talking to you is justlike being out on the old West.
Teri Rialto: Tell us, “Fireball”, what is your recipe for anunforgettable summer cookout?
“Fireball”: Well, you know I’m gonna hurt my book sales for telling you this.. but there are three critical ingredients for an authentic summer barbecue. You might want to grab a pen for this. They are: meat, bread, and sauce.
Teri Rialto: You might want to say that again, in case our listeners didn’t have a chance to get a pen.
Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell Marlon Brando…..John Goodman Phil Donahue…..Darrell Hammond Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy”. As you know, all of our celebrities are playing for charity. Marlon Brando, your charity is “Habitat for Humanity”; Phil Donahue, yours is the “Children Are Our Future Foundation”; and, Burt Reynolds, yours is the “Palm Beach Golf & Tennis Resort”. We have quite a match going here, let’s look at the score: We’ve got a close race going on for second place between Phil Donahue at -$6,800, and Burt Reynolds with -$6,900. And, at a commanding lead, it’s Marlon Brando with -$4,500. Better luck to all of you in the next round. It’s time for “Double Jeopardy”, let’s take a look at our board. The categories are: “Famous Roberts”, “Three Letter Words”, “Potpourri”, “Potent Potables”, “Colors”, “Holidays”, and, finally, “U.S. States”. Marlon, you pick the category.
Marlon Brando: Uh.. “Fishing”, for $1,000.
Alex Trebek: There’s no “Fishing” on the board, Marlon.
Marlon Brando: Uh.. I like “Fishing”.
Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s great. Let’s just start with “Famous Roberts”, for $400. The answer is: “This was John F. Kennedy’s younger brother.” [ Marlon buzzes in ] Marlon Brando?
Marlon Brando: Teddy.
Alex Trebek: No.
Marlon Brando: “Who’s Teddy?”
Alex Trebek: No!
Marlon Brando: “What is Teddy?”
Alex Trebek: No! [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: I’ll tell you something, Alex.. I think he’s right.
Alex Trebek: No, he’s not right! Remember the category: “Famous Roberts”.. in the Kennedy Family.
Burt Reynolds: “Who is Robert Blake?”
Alex Trebek: [ stunned ] No! [ Phil buzzes in ] Phil Donahue?
Phil Donahue: Well, my dear, good man, the board appears.. to be mine. I mean, in a tricky game where questions are answers, answers are questions, “Who’s on first?”, “What’s in the chicken?”, whoa-oa! and all of a sudden, I’m walking.. [ time-out buzzer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: Phil, your time is up. Marlon, you still have control of the board.
Marlon Brando: [ playing with his buzzer ] In Tahiti, they have these dogs.. that they train to catch frisbees in their mouthes.. it’s amazing..
Alex Trebek: [ exasperated ] And I’ll pick the category for you. “Holidays”, for $400. The answer is: “This December 25th holiday involves decorating a tree and opening presents.” [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, “what is my birthday?”
Alex Trebek: Is December 25th your birthday, Mr. Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: No, July 5th!
Alex Trebek: Actually, I have your bio here – it’s February 11th. [ Burt buzzes again ] Burt Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: “What is July 5th?”
Alex Trebek: [ perplexed ]Absolutely not! [ Phil buzzes in ] Yes! Phil Donahue?
Phil Donahue: [ poised ] Little Bobby, and little Susie, have hung their stockings with care. Mom and Dad are out looking for Tickle-Me-Elmo ’til five a.m., and all of a sudden, Bobby looks up and he says, “Hey! Who is this Jesus?”
Alex Trebek: [ angry ] You know the answer, just say it!
Phil Donahue: Meanwhile, Kris Kringle is drinking Coke! The reindeer are playing Nintendo! The elves are wearing Nike..! [ time-out buzzer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: Time is up, Mr. Donahue! The answer was “Christmas”. [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: [ from out of nowhere ] He’s a good guy!
Alex Trebek: [ confused ] What?! What was that, Mr. Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: Robert Blake! Good guy! You ought to think about putting him up on your board, there!
Alex Trebek: Once again, Mr. Brando, the board is unfortunately yours.
Marlon Brando: [ twisting his buzzer in his hands ] I went into a 7-11 this morning.. and I wandered over to the magazine rack.. there’s so many magazines about cars..
Alex Trebek: [ interrupting ] I’m going to assume you picked “Colors”, for $800. Name this color. [ a red swatch appears on the game board ] Let’s just forget the whoe “answer in the form of a question” thing.. just name this color! [ Burt buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, it’s a rectangle!
Alex Trebek: At this point, Mr. Reynolds, I’m convinced you have a learning disability. [ Phil buzzes in ] Mr. Donahue?
Phil Donahue: We live in a society where everyone claims to be color-blind..
Alex Trebek: I know where this is going! [ Marlon buzzes in ] Mr. Brando?
Marlon Brando: [ slowly removing his pants ] You knoq, I was riding a bicycle.. that I made myself.. and I was with Wally Cox.. and, God, I miss him, he was a good man.. e had fingers like a sailor.. I remember one time, in Bangkok.. [ time-out buzzer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: The answer was “Red”. Mr. Donahue, you are at -$7,200; Mr. Reynolds.. you seem to have broken your buzzer.. and Mr. Brando, you’re naked from the waist down. Let’s just move on to “Final Jeopardy”. I tell you what, let’s just forget the question. All you have to do to win the game is write down the current year. What year it is right now. [ the “Final Jeopardy” theme plays, as the contestants barely make an effort to write down an answer ] It’s a number. What year is it this year? It starts with a “19”. [ Alex approaches the contestants to check their answers ] Okay, let’s see what we’ve got. Mr. Donahue appears to have written way too much.. in fact, he’s still going on. Let’s see what he’s got so far. [ a lengthy monologue appears on his screen ] Not even close.
Phil Donahue: Oh, come on!
Alex Trebek: Okay, now, Mr. Reynolds, I didn’t see you write anything, maybe I missed it.. [ a blank screen appears ] ..and I didn’t. You gave no answer.
Burt Reynolds: Why don’t you let me buy a vowel?
Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s infuriating. [ approaches Marlon Brando, who has a puppet on his hand ] Mr. Brando chose to speak to a puppet, in lieu of participating. Maybe the puppet wrote down an answer. [ Marlon’s screen is revealed to have the word “POOP” written on it ] You wrote “Poop”. This must be a proud moment for you, Mr. Brando.
Marlon Brando: [ concentrating on his puppet ] You’re a squawking parrot.. you’re an ant.
[ Burt squawks like a parrot ]
Alex Trebek: Okay.. Mr. Reynlds is the winner, by having the least negative amount of money. On his behalf, the Palm Beach Golf & Tennis Resort will receive a check for $10,000. That’s it for “Celebrity Jeopardy”. I quit.
John Goodman: Thank you very much! Thank you!Thank you very much! It’s really a great pleasure tobe here. This is, if you can believe it, my eighthtime hosting — and I feel great! [cheers andapplause] I’m back here, Spring is in the air and, Idon’t know if you noticed it or not, but I’ve lostsome weight — over seventy pounds. [cheers andapplause] Thank you. Seventy pounds. Took me five daysto do it … And, except for the constant vomiting andlightheadedness, I feel great. Anyway, now that I’mhosting for the eighth time, I kinda feel like I’mpart of the show’s history, hand in hand with suchgreat cast members as Bill Murray, Alan Alda, PhyliciaRashad … Herman Munster– Oh, yeah! The – the”Where’s the Beef?!” lady! … Every week, it’s thirtyminutes of magic.
[Tim Meadows, still wearing the dress he wore for thecold opening, enters and confronts Goodman]
Tim Meadows: Hey, uh, John, uh, you feelin’okay, man? What happened to the Mother’s Daymonologue?
John Goodman: Right. Sorry. [to the camera] Uh,cut! Just do another take, we’ll use that one. [to thecrowd] Uh, just– Folks, we’re just gonna do one moretake and I’ll have it, folks. I’m sorry. [turns tohead upstage but Tim grabs him]
Tim Meadows: John, John, John! What – what youdoin’, man? We’re live.
John Goodman: [overcome with silent laughter,grinning broadly] No, we’re not!
Tim Meadows: Yeah, yeah, yes, we are,man.
John Goodman: Ha! Pal, wake up! [to the crowd]I’m sorry, everyone. Apparently, my little fruityfriend here isn’t … aware that I’ve, uh, hosted theSaturday Night Fun Hour eight times — and I think I’dknow if it were live!
Tim Meadows: Yeah. But John the show’s calledSaturday Night Live. Okay? You’re live rightnow.
John Goodman: [soberly] Oh, great. Suddenly,the show’s live. … That’s okay. Live or not, I stillknow the show cold.
Tim Meadows: Okay, John. Great. [gives Goodmana pat on the back and exits]
John Goodman: Thanks. [sighs] Let’s get thisthing going, all right? [instantly adopts a supercoolveejay voice] Folks, we got a lot of great musicvideos coming up. Right now … let’s get ready forStyx. Roll the video. … [to off screen director DaveWilson] Okay, Davey, have we cut away to the video?Good. Okay, I’m gonna go to my trailer and lose somemore weight. [turns to exit, Tim rushes back in andgrabs him]
Tim Meadows: John, John, wait, man. John, whereyou goin’, man?
John Goodman: Oh, I was just gonna put my headin the diet machine while the videos are playin’ forthe kids.
Tim Meadows: Right. Okay. [to producer LorneMichaels who now enters] Hey, thank God you’re here![Tim happily hugs Lorne]
Lorne Michaels: John, listen, we’re not gonnarun any music videos.
John Goodman: Trust me, we are. And you knowhow I know how? I’ve hosted the show eight times!Eight! [quietly, to Lorne] How long haveyou been here?
Lorne Michaels: Since 1975. I’m the producer ofthe show, John.
John Goodman: [snidely] I know who you are,Leon!
Lorne Michaels: What kind of diet are you on,exactly?
John Goodman: It’s the usual. Grapefruit,Clorox, fiberglass …
Lorne Michaels: Listen, everything’s gonna befine. You’re – you’re doing great. Just – just readwhat’s on the cards.
John Goodman: [sarcastic] Thanks, Leon. …
Tim Meadows: [happily, to Lorne] You did it!You saved the show again! [high-pitched giggle, hugsLorne again]
Collette: Hi. I need to get some prescriptions filled. Wheres Cliff?
Don: Uh, Cliffs at lunch. Im Don. Wow, thats a lot of prescriptions. Lets see what we have here. Percodan, 1000 mg, 500 count?
Collette: Boating accident. Bruised my arm. Dr. Randazo thought I just need to take some Bufferin. For the bruise. But I sensed a touch of bursitis, so, better safe thanwell, you know the rest.
Don: So, are you taking any other medications?
Collette: Well this morning I was feeling a little sluggish, so I popped a handful of Benzadrine, to get a jumpstart, you know, just a quick pick-me-up. I got errands.
Don: Theres a new pick-me-up you could try. Its called coffee.
Collette: HA HA!
Don: Im serious. All right, you also need a gallon jar of powdered Dilaudid?
Collette: Per Dr. Doug Yoshiki. My ear, nose and throat guy.
Don: You know, you gotta be careful with that stuff. Its like powdered heroin.
Collette: Tell me about it. Im diabetic.
Don: It says to inject 500 mg 12 times a day? Are you sure thats a correct dosage?
Collette: Funny story. Dr. Swicklis got me on Darvan and Demorol. Fine. Dr. Aku has me on Tritescaline, Prozac and Thiazine.
Don: Thiazine the steroid?
Collette: Let me finish, Don. Long story short, Im late for my hairdressers funeral, I cut across the lawn, slip on a fresh crap, and voila! Guess who bruised two fingers?
Don: Collette Reardon
Collette: Thats me! So theres that, on top of the grief, well, you must imagine how depressed I was, luckily I find five tabs of lithium at the bottom of my purse, but Mashigian, my OB/GYN, says I probably shouldnt mix prescriptions on account of the drinking, Don. So what he suggests? The Dilaudid. Surprise!
Don: Big surprise. All right, next we have 65 mg phenobarbitol
Collette: The same one the Heavens Gates kids used.
Don: Hold the vodka.
Collette: HA HA!
Don: Im serious. All right, this one says 1000 buttons of religious-quality peyote.
Collette: Dr. Steve Longshoe. Practices medicine on the reservation. Good kid. GOOD KID!
Don: Mrs. Reardon, Im not sure your HMO carries peyote, Im not sure we even carry peyote, but why dont you have a seat in our waiting area right over there
Collette: I know where it is, eye candy. Say, this may be the Benzedrine talking, but youre a slice of man meat, and this prescription says take with food, huh?
Don: Heres a Whitman sampler on the house, now please, wait over there.
Don: (on phone) Yes, Dr. Steve Longshoe, please. Uh, yes, doctor, I just wanted to check on a patient of yours, Collette Reardon?
Collette: Tell him I said hi, Don.
Don: (on phone) No, I didnt mean to suggest anything, Dr. Longshoe. Okay. Yeah. Just stay off the firewater. No, Im serious.
Collette: (singing to herself) Little ditty bout Jack and Diane, two American kids living in the heartland.
Don: All right, Mrs. Reardon, everything seems to check out. Here are your medications.
Collette: Thanks, Don. Ooo, I better take my pills and get to work. You gotta be in top form, Don, when youre driving a schoolbus full of kindergarteners.
Don: You gotta be careful, Mrs. Reardon. You make Courtney Love look like Amy Grant.
[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk, basking inthe applause. He removes the clip from his sheaf ofpapers and clears his throat.]
Norm MacDonald: Thanks. I’m Norm MacDonald andnow the fake news. Our top story tonight:
In court documents made public this week, independentcounsel Kenneth Starr told a federal judge thatHillary Clinton is now a, quote, “central figure” inthe Whitewater criminal probe. Reacting to the news,President Clinton called the investigation “a partisanwitch hunt,” vowing, quote, “If the First Lady issomehow convicted and has to go to jail, I will doeverything in my power to wait two weeks to startdating.” … [applause and a few cheers]
Meanwhile, FBI Director Louis Freeh said this weekthat Attorney General Janet Reno might have a conflictof interest in her investigation of Democraticfundraising. Freeh also pointed out that Reno mighthave a conflict of interest between her X and Ychromosomes.
There was some good news for Michael Kennedy this weekwhen the parents of the teenage babysitter with whomhe had a five year affair decided not to pursuecriminal charges. However, a lawyer for thebabysitter’s family called Kennedy a, quote, “sick,pathetic individual,” while the County DistrictAttorney described him as a, quote, “alcoholic cradlerobber.” The only kind words came from his uncle,Senator Ted Kennedy, who called him, quote, “aninspiration.” … [cheers and applause]
Real estate mogul Donald Trump announced this weekthat after three-and-a-half years of marriage he isseeking a divorce from wife Marla Maples. According toTrump, Maples violated part of their marriageagreement when she decided to turn thirty. … Thatwas – unacceptable!
At their annual convention this week, board members ofthe National Rifle Association narrowly elected actorCharlton Heston vice-president of the powerful gunlobby. According to Heston, his first priority will bea push to legalize the hunting of, quote, “damn dirtyapes”!
In Alabama, a new state law will dramatically increasethe penalty for bouncing a check. [Norm pulls taperecorder out of his pocket, activates it and speaksinto it] Note to self: Cancel summer vacation plans inAlabama. Find state more accommodating to the NormMacDonald lifestyle. [nods, grins, pocketsrecorder]
On Wednesday, world chess champion Gary Kasparov tiedDeep Blue, the IBM supercomputer that can examine twohundred million positions per second, in the fourthgame of their six game series. Earlier in the week,Kasparov admitted he made a catastrophic blunder ingame two when he failed to force a draw by moving rookto e8, opting instead for a Caro Kann defense thatsoon transposed into a Pribyl defense which, afterDeep Blue moved bishop to e7, gave him the advantagewith his ninth position. With all due respect to Mr.Kasparov … What the hell were you thinking?
Norm MacDonald: Here with a further comment onthe Kasparov/Deep Blue match is Weekend Update chesscorrespondent, and building superintendent at 901Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, our own Dominican Lou!Hi, Dominican Lou.
[Cheers and applause for Dominican Lou, a cheerful manwith a thick Dominican accent who waves to thecrowd.]
Dominican Lou: Gracias, gracias. Gracias. Thankyou, Norm. I watching the chess player against thecomputer Deep Blue. I know how he feels. I playdominoes last week with Felix. He live up the block.He always bragging about nobody can beat him. But Ibea’ him. I bea’ him, Norm!
Norm MacDonald: Oh, you –?
Dominican Lou: I bea’ him!
Norm MacDonald: Oh, that’s great. You beat him,huh?
Dominican Lou: I bea’ him!
Norm MacDonald: Ya beat him?
Dominican Lou: I bea’ him.
Norm MacDonald: You beat him?
Dominican Lou: [reluctantly tells the truth]No, I lose to him. … But if I can get the computerto come to my block, then I can teach the computer toplay dominoes. Then the computer can bea’ him. They -then he shut up.
Norm MacDonald: Well, I–
Dominican Lou: He can bea’ him.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah. I – I don’t think that’sgonna happen, Lou. I – I don’t think that the computeris gonna learn dominoes.
Dominican Lou: No. I play all of my life. I canteach the computer to play dominoes in one day. Andthen it can bea’ him.
Norm MacDonald: No, no …
Dominican Lou: It can bea’ him!
Norm MacDonald: No, no, that’s – that’s notwhat I – that’s not what I mean, uh, Dominican Lou. Imean, I don’t think it’s – it’s thatimportant.
Dominican Lou: No. It’s important if you knowFelix. He’s a big mouth.
Norm MacDonald: [thinks he understands] Ahhh! Isee. So what you’re saying, then, is that this is notabout you and Felix. This is about the age-old battleof man versus machine.
Dominican Lou: Nooo. It’s basically about Felixand the mo’chine. Felix versus the mo’chine. You hearthat, Felix? Norm is going to bring his computer andhe’s going to give you– he’s going to whip you’ ass!
Norm MacDonald: No, no, I’m not.
Dominican Lou: He is not afraid of you and yourbrothers! Come down to the studio!
Norm MacDonald: No, no, I am.
Dominican Lou: Come down here!
Norm MacDonald: No, don’t do that. I am.
Dominican Lou: He bust you up good!
Norm MacDonald: No, I’m afraid of you, Felix!
Dominican Lou: He bea’ you!
Norm MacDonald: Dominican Lou, everybody![cheers and applause]
Dominican Lou: Come down!
Norm MacDonald: No, don’t do that. I’m deathlyafraid of Felix.
This week – this week, New York Senator Al D’Amatorepeated his claim that, during the Second World War,Switzerland aided the Nazi war effort and helpedlaunder money stolen from Jews. These charges are theresults of a lengthy, thorough investigation by thesenator which proves, quote, “beyond a shadow of adoubt” that New York has lots and lots of Jewishvoters, and no Swiss voters.
Last week in Cleveland, the rock group Crosby, Stillsand Nash was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall ofFame. In addition, a special lifetime achievementaward was presented to David Crosby’s liver. [Photo ofa liver] … Congratulations, David Crosby’sliver.
In other music news, Paul McCartney will take part inhis first live online chat May the 17th and a recordtwo-and-a-half million calls have already come in frompeople hoping to have an actual moment of contact withthe former Beatle. Although it should be noted thattwo million of those calls came from Ringo Starr, so… When you factor that into it– Yeah, I’ll go overhere– [turns to another camera]
In Washington, D.C., public school officials areasking parents to help pay for needed equipment suchas a new state-of-the-art surveillance system that onearea school has requested. According to the school’sprincipal, the new system will help him monitorcheerleaders that he claims like to vandalize schoolproperty while showering. … I don’t think he’s agood principal at all, that character.
And, in North Carolina, the Bowman Gray School ofMedicine is looking for twenty habitual marijuanasmokers who they’ll provide with free pot in order tostudy the effects of the drug. [takes out recorderagain, crowd cheers and applauds anticipating thejoke] … Note to self: Spend summer vacation atBowman Gray School of Medicine and … maybe takeTimmy Meadows along with you. [pockets recorder,cheers and applause]
In an attempt to secure federal funding, a rural Idahocounty wants the State Transportation Board todesignate some of its roads as “back country byways.”To strengthen their case, local officials plan tosexually assault Ned Beatty. [Photo of actor NedBeatty, well-remembered for his role as the rednecks’rape victim in the film “Deliverance”]
Norm MacDonald: Well, by now, most of you haveseen, or heard, about last week’s episode of “Ellen”in which the main character, played by EllenDeGeneres, announced that she is gay. Here to commenton “Ellen,” our very own Will Ferrell. Hi, Will.[cheers and applause for Will Ferrell who looks nattyin a suit and tie]
Will Ferrell: Hi, Norm, thank you. Likeeveryone in the country, I saw the historic episode of”Ellen” and, of course, I loved it. I don’t know whatit is but when a first class comedian spoofs gaypeople, it always makes me laugh. Hey, let’s face it,gays are funny. I loved Billy Crystal on “Soap” andthat Harvey Fierstein impression of a homosexualcouldn’t be more dead-on. Heck, even I do a funny gayguy around the office. You know, Judy Garland,fresh-cut flowers, interior decorating. It’s all ingood fun. Why not? I’m no homophobe. So, EllenDeGeneres, I salute you. There’s no controversy here.She’s just a damn good comedian who’s able to get goodlaughs pretending she’s a lesbian. And if that’swrong, then that’s my kinda wrong!
Norm MacDonald: I mean, she wasn’t on the coverof Time Magazine for pretending she was gay. She – shereally is gay.
Will Ferrell: Ellen DeGeneres is gay? The – thereal Ellen DeGeneres?
Norm MacDonald: Yes. She’s a lesbian.
Will Ferrell: [suddenly looks ill] Oh, my god… Oh– I’m gonna be sick. [puts a hand to his mouthand turns away from Norm] Oh, God– [yellow vomitspews out of his mouth onto the floor]
Norm MacDonald: God, are – are you okay there,buddy? I–
Will Ferrell: No!
Norm MacDonald: Will, Will, are you – are youall right?
Will Ferrell: No, I’m not!
Norm MacDonald: It – it – it – it’s not a bigdeal. … [Will puts his head down on the desk (inpart to conceal the vomit leaking from thepuke-spewing device hidden in his sleeve)] Will, it’sokay. It’s okay. She just has– She has sex with -with women, that’s all. She has–
Will Ferrell: God, why did you put that dirty,sickening imagine in my mind?! Oh, no, here it comesagain! [pukes again, all over the desk]
Norm MacDonald: Good God, she’s just alesbian!
Will Ferrell: Oh, stop it please! Sto– [stillmore puke, this time in Norm’s direction – Norm backsaway, arms in the air – Will falls out of his chairand drops to the floor, disappearing behind the desk]
Norm MacDonald: There’s Will Ferrell,everybody! [applause and cheers] Will Ferrell. [Normpicks up his vomit-speckled sheaf of papers gingerly,then sets it next to the puddle of puke atop the desk,wiping his hands as he reads the next item:]
Well, in Albany, New York, Susan John has asked toresign as chairwoman of the State Assembly Alcohol andDrug Abuse Committee following her arrest ondrunk-driving charges. On the bright side for Ms.John, she has been asked to chair the Assembly’sCommittee on Irony. … [pulls out tape recorder] Noteto self: Never ever follow a vomit-spewing guy with ajoke.
[Norm pockets the recorder, then scoops up some vomitoff the desk with his bare hand and eats it – thehorrified crowd groans and hollers loudly – Norm givesthe crowd a look, as if to say, “What’s the bigdeal?”] It’s good, it’s quite good! [licking hisfingers] Normally, I – Normally, I don’t like WillFerrell vomit but this is actually very good! …[still licking his fingers] Let’s just end it! Folks!That’s the news. Good night!
[Applause. Norm cautiously takes the microphone offhis necktie. Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]
Molly … Molly Shannon Mr. Bradley … Jeff Goldblum Mr. Dave … Tim Meadows
[Receptionist Molly enters a plush executive officewith a file folder and approaches her boss, Mr.Bradley, who sits at his stylish desk. Both aredressed expensively but tastefully. Reproductions ofpaintings by fine modern artists decorate the paneledwalls.]
Molly: Mmm. Uh, Mr. Dave is here to see you,sir.
Mr. Bradley: Who?
Molly: Uh, Mr. Dave, he’s, uh, he’s here tointerview for the engineer position.
Mr. Bradley: Oh, right, right, right. Did hefill out an, a, uh, an application?
Molly: Yeah, he did. [hands him the filefolder] It’s right – it’s right in here …
Mr. Bradley: Okay.
Molly: … so you can look at that.
Mr. Bradley: Thank you. Send him rightin.
Molly: Okay. [calls to Mr. Dave] Mr. Dave?Right this way.
[Molly exits once Mr. Dave enters, wearing an oldyellow shirt that reads HAWAII ’88. He shakes handswith Mr. Bradley who is stunned at Mr. Dave’sastonishingly casual dress for a high-tech jobinterview.]
Mr. Dave: Hey! Thanks for seein’ me, Mr.Bradley!
Mr. Bradley: Hi…
Mr. Dave: Yeah.
Mr. Bradley: … Mr. Dave. Have a seat. Mypleasure. [they sit] Say, can I give you a tip for thefuture? This – this shirt you’re wearing …?
Mr. Dave: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [proudly] I gotthis in Hawaii in 1988. … You can’t get ’em any moreand this one is NOT for sale.
Mr. Bradley: [decides not to say anything aboutit] Oh, okay. … [reads the application] Uh, well,let’s just – let’s just go ‘head and see what yourapplication says, Mr. Jerry Dave.
Mr. Dave: Yeah, but, uh, you can call me”Steve.”
Mr. Bradley: [gives him a look] Okay, Steve.[consults application] Uh, when asked why you wantedthe job of engineer, you put, “To fake an injury andsue you. No, just kidding.” … “To make free Xeroxesof my one-man show, entitled ‘Jerry “Steve” Dave’sSongs in the Key of Steve’ – Just kidding again.” [Mr.Dave laughs, grins, nods his head at his joke] Uh,”Really, so I can buy a boatload of fireworks andcelebrate the Fourth of July in style.”
Mr. Dave: Yeah, you know, I have two loves inmy life — uh, Fourth of July and, of course,teamwork.
Mr. Bradley: Really? And yet, and yet, on yourapplication, you put here, “Teamwork is for suckers.When I’m hired, I will do to teamwork what Napoleondid to Japan.”
Mr. Dave: Yeah, he – he conquered Japan,right?
Mr. Bradley: No.
Mr. Dave: [turns on the charm] Come on, man.I’m Jerry “Steve” Dave, the Magic Man! [grins, wiggleshis eyebrows]
Mr. Bradley: [taken aback] Okay. I – I’m notsure what that means, uh, but, uh, you know, this -this job requires, uh, a college degree in the fieldof electrical engineering and, uh, for education, yousay here you’ve completed “a few freestyle potterycourses at the Learning Annex.” So–
Mr. Dave: Yeah, yeah, see, I’ve been reallyhittin’ the books really hard lately to show that I’m,um — what’s the word I’m lookin’ for?Supergood! Yeah, that’s the word. I’m – I’mreally supergood at things.
Mr. Bradley: Okay. “Super good” is two words,by the way. But, uh, ah … Say, let me – let me askyou something. Uh …
Mr. Dave: Mm hmm?
Mr. Bradley: Wh – where do you see yourself in,like, say, uh, ten years?
Mr. Dave: Wow. Ten years. That’s a long asstime, man. … Um, I don’t know what I’m gonna bedoin’ but it would definitely involve this souped-upKawasaki jet ski …
Mr. Bradley: Uh huh.
Mr. Dave: That’s right, you heard me. … And,uh, let’s see, uh, I don’t know, what else did I puton that application there?
Mr. Bradley: Ah, that “my ten year goal is toget a souped-up Kawasaki jet ski.” Ah, that’s all youwrote.
Mr. Dave: Yeah? Well, that’s all I want! …[smiles, claps his hands together and rubs thementhusiastically] So, when do I start?
Mr. Bradley: Mr. Dave, uh, I’m gonna be honestwith ya. I really don’t think, uh, that you – that youthought this thing through.
Mr. Dave: Really? Did I happen to mention thatI have “101 Dalmatians” on laserdisc? [winks broadly,clicks his tongue]
Mr. Bradley: [rises] N-no, you didn’t. Uh, so,uh, listen, I’m sure you want to get on with your day,so we gotta – we gotta let you leave.
Mr. Dave: [threateningly] You shouldleave.
Mr. Bradley: [more confused than scared]What?
Mr. Dave: [instantly nonchalant] Nothin’.[smiles, rises]
Mr. Bradley: Okay. Come on. Let’s go. [the twomen walk to the door]
Mr. Dave: You’re makin’ a big mistake, man.
Mr. Bradley: Well–
Mr. Dave: [grandly] I am Jerry “Steve” Dave,the Magic Man!
Mr. Bradley: [opening the door for Mr. Dave]You said that before, you said that before. Thanks somuch. [offers to shake hands]
Mr. Dave: Hey, you, uh, you wanna get stoned?[pulls out a joint and holds it up]
Mr. Bradley: What? My God in Heaven, please![pushes Mr. Dave out the door] Get out of here. [Mr.Dave exits, a shaken Mr. Bradley calls for hisreceptionist] Molly! Molly! Jesus. [Mr. Bradley shutsthe door and looks baffled as we fadeout.]