Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
Lenny the Lion … Colin Quinn
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonald.Now the fake news. Our top story tonight:
Court-martial proceedings are set to begin Tuesdayagainst Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flinn, the nation’sfirst female B-52 pilot. Flinn is accused ofconducting an adulterous affair with a married man aswell as having a brief fling with a second airman andthen lying about it. An Air Force prosecutor calledher, quote, “a sexual predator,” while her commandingofficer has called her a, quote, “lying sex addict.”Meanwhile, President Clinton called her. …[applause]
Earlier this year, the Liggett Group paid out morethan seven hundred and fifty million in a courtsettlement when it admitted that its cigarettes areaddictive. And this week, the tobacco company unveiledits new warning label. It reads: “Warning: Don’t tryto sue us, we don’t have any money left.”
Yesterday, the House Budget committee approved anoutline of a deal between President Clinton andcongressional leaders to balance the budget. But bothsides caution it is not set in stone. In order tobecome official, of course, it must still be approvedby this Chinese guy here. [Photo of elderlybespectacled Asian man, Norm jerks his thumb at it] … He’s gotta–
Man in Audience: Boo!
Norm MacDonald: Boo? What the hell? …[shrugs] No reason to boo anything.
It was reported this week that Simpson prosecutorsMarcia Clark and Chris Darden often passed sexuallyexplicit notes back and forth at the trial, noteswhich discussed each other’s, quote, “turn ons.” And,according to the notes, both Darden and Clark areturned on by the same freakish thing: Alan Dershowitz![Photo of not terribly handsome Simpson defenseattorney Alan Dershowitz]
Meanwhile, O. J. himself may have some explaining todo. For months, he has denied hiding financial assets,including valuable sports mementos, from the Brown andGoldman families. But, earlier today, Simpson pal A.C. Cowlings was stopped as he tried to leave thecountry. In the back seat of his Bronco, police foundO. J.’s Heisman Trophy disguised with a tiny fakebeard. [Photo of Heisman Trophy with beard]
According to prosecutors in Tulsa, Oklahoma, HenriettaCollins, a ninety year old widow, was bilked out ofher life savings by the trustees of her estate. [pullstape recorder out of pocket and speaks into it] Noteto self: Forget trying to bilk Henrietta Collins ofher life savings. Some dirty bastard got there first…. [Norm shakes his head, grins, tries unsuccessfullyto return recorder to pocket, winces, finally pocketsrecorder] …
This week, talk show host Kathie Lee Gifford addressedpublished reports that her husband had an extramaritalaffair saying, quote, “Frank did and always does whatis right.” Kathie Lee’s statement has been widelyinterpreted as a public admission that her husbandbeats her. … [applause]
Norm MacDonald: Well, with the recent escapesof several bears in the tristate area — That can’t betrue! — and several animal attacks in the news. … Ithink we just made up the story here. We have broughtin someone who can help us shed some light on thisoutbreak of zoo-related incidents that you see allover the news. From the Bronx Zoo, Lenny the Lion ishere! Hey, Lenny! [cheers and applause as we pan overto Lenny]
Lenny the Lion: Thanks, Norm. Uh, Norm, I knowwhy those bears ran away. The zoo can be a roughplace. My first year, I got in about fifty fights.They had to put me in supermax like Gotti. They let meout to exercise an hour a day, two showers a week.They won’t let you make phone calls. I can’t make themanyway because– [holds up a paw, no opposable thumbwith which to hold a phone] … They open up all yourmail. They throw out your letters. I mean, come on,Norm, I had to find out my brother was killed on theDiscovery Channel. …
Norm MacDonald: Oh, that – that doesn’t seemright. But– And yet, uh, the zoo cannot be that bad,though, Lenny.
Lenny the Lion: No, but I had a reputation touphold. If you’re the lion, everybody is gonna tryyou. It’s that street mentality. I had it, too. ButI’m tryin’ to change. I thought– I used to think thatif I was killin’ an ostrich or something, that was mynatural instinct. But I been discussin’ it with mycounselor. It’s not my natural instinct, Norm. It’sall about my father. You know? … I was just actingout his rage. I know that now. I understand it. Imean, one day, I just – I just did a kill, I’mstandin’ over a bloody carcass, there’s flieseverywhere, the vultures are circling, I have bloodand bone all over me, I’m roaring. And I just caughtmy reflection in the watering hole and I thought: Isthis how people see me? … Is this how I’m comin’across? I didn’t want to look at myself so I’d ratherjust kill you. So, now, I don’t hang around with otherlions. I’ll stop by and say hello. But they alwaysstart in with, “Let’s kill this one, let’s kill that.”… It’s the same conversation we were havin’ twentyyears ago! … Now, I’m tryin’ to change. I’m seein’somebody. She’s got a kid by a tiger. You know? …[applause] The kid – the kid don’t wanna listen to me’cause I’m not his real father, so we don’t get along.I still got a lot o’ guilt over my teenage daughterfrom my first mating. She’s in an abusive situationbut she don’t want to leave. … She’s with one ofthese wannabes, tryin’ to be a gangsta. He ain’t hard.I knew his family. He grew up in a game preserve. Youknow? … You’re a father, right, Norm?
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, yeah, I have a – I have ason.
Lenny the Lion: So you know how it is. I wannabreak this chain of violence that gets passed downthrough the generations.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah, but it’s differentfor you, Lenny. Lenny, you’re the King of theJungle!
Lenny the Lion: If that’s how you need to seeme, Norm, okay, I’m the King of the Jungle. But Idon’t need to be the King of the Jungle for you, orthe rhinos, or the reptiles, or some “Law of Nature”hype. Bein’ the King of the Jungle’s gotten all myfriends life terms at the zoo or mounted on some richguy’s wall. Today, I can just be “Lenny” — the Lion.A part of the jungle. [quickly wraps it up] Furis murder. Thank you.
Norm MacDonald: Lenny the Lion, everybody!There he goes. [cheers and applause as Lennyexits]
In San Francisco last week, a birthday party for oneof the area’s leading political figures, attended bythe city’s Mayor, Sheriff, and members of the board ofsupervisors, culminated with a performance in which adominatrix used a razor blade to carve a satanic starinto the back of her male partner, then urinated onhim, before finally sodomizing the man with a liquorbottle. After learning of the incident from pressreports, San Franciscans expressed shock and outragethat the liquor bottle was not recycled.
In his new film, “Legionnaire,” action starJean-Claude Van Damme will join the French ForeignLegion. In the film, Van Damme is a playboy in 1920sParis who flees a mob boss after falling in love withthe man’s mistress. Also, although it doesn’t sayanything here about it, uh, I’ll bet there’s plentyof, uh — of kicking!
Tonight, we are proud to present a new feature onWeekend Update: “In Their Own Words.” As you remember,last month in the televised town meeting on kids anddrugs, President Clinton moved Peter Jennings and theaudience as well, when he said, quote, “I receive manyletters from five year old kids around the country,telling me that they are frightened and asking for myhelp.” Earlier this week the White House released thetext of some of these letters.[Photo of five year old boy] Walker D. of Connecticut,a five year old child, writes: “Dear Mr. President:When the Republicans are finished wasting taxpayermoney on their Whitewater witch hunt, perhaps they canjoin you in your efforts to protect Medicare and theenvironment and to expand the earned income taxcredit. P.S. Paula Jones was asking for it.” [Photo ofgirl] Here’s one from … from Elizabeth A. of LongIsland who wrote: “Dear President Clinton, NewtGingrich is a bad, bad man. [scattered cheers] Also,Paula Jones was asking for it.” … “In Their OwnWords.”
Under a new law passed by the State Assembly,effective next year, Michigan will set aside anallotment of hunting licenses for blind people. …This after years of relentless lobbying by deer. …They– [applause]
Good news for Hawaii! Next year, the state willreceive twenty million dollars in federal funds tohelp teach poor children how to read. Oh. [pulls outrecorder again] Note to self: Swindle poor Hawaiiansout of twenty million dollars by pretending to be aguy who teaches reading. [pockets recorder, pauses,thinks, then pulls out recorder and continues] Note toself: Before I start, also learn to read. …That will help give the scam what we like to call”credibility.” [wiggles eyebrows, nods, grins like amaniac, pockets recorder] … That’s a bigword.
A new survey by the Washington Post reports that D.C.Mayor Marion Barry’s popularity among city residentshas dropped to its lowest point in five years.However, Mayor Barry insists he has no interest inpolls or, for that matter, anything else that isn’tcrack. … He has – Really has no interest in– Whatthe hell good are polls gonna do him?
Finally, reports out of Germany continue to indicatethat David Hasselhoff is a major recording star inthat country, where his concerts routinely sell outand his albums turn platinum. Which once again provesmy old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! [verymild reaction from crowd]
And it’s been fun, folks! Thank you!
[Music. Applause. Norm pushes back from the desk andstarts to take the microphone off his necktie.Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]