Category: 1996

Chopper 4

Andrew…..Mark McKinney
Mr. Cavanetti…..Chevy Chase

[ open in front of Andrew’s newsstand, as Mr. Cavanetti walks up ]

Andrew: Hey, morning, Mr. Cavanetti! How you doing?

Mr. Cavanetti: Morning, Alex.

Andrew: Andrew! The name’s Andrew.

Mr. Cavanetti: Andrew.. whatever. The Times, please.

Andrew: Yeah, here you go. [ pulls it out of his coat pocket ] Kept one warm for you, Mr. Cavanetti!

Mr. Cavanetti: Oh, thank you very much, kept one warm for me, well that’s..

Andrew: Hey! Did you see the Chopper 4 on TV today, Mr. Cavanetti!

Mr. Cavanetti: No.. I didn’t.

Andrew: Ya! Chopper 4 was flying all over the place! Chopper 4 saw a lot of traffic, ho boy!

Mr. Cavanetti: [ uncomfortable with this conversation ] Yeah.. I.. I.. I.. it’s a good thing I walked today!

Andrew: Yeah! It’s a good thing you walked today! Hey! did you hear that Chopper 4’s got a new camera! Yeah! It can see through fog!

Mr. Cavanetti: Yeah, I think I did hear that somewhere..

Andrew: I told you about it!

Mr. Cavanetti: Oh.

Andrew: Yeah! It couldn’t used to see through no fog!

Mr. Cavanetti: Chopper 4?

Andrew: Yeah! Hey, you know what?

Mr. Cavanetti: No.

Andrew: Channel 5.. it ain’t got no Chopper 4!

Mr. Cavanetti: I’m willing to bet that Channel doesn’t have a Chopper 4, either.

Andrew: Yeah, you’re right! I just found out about Channel 5 today!

Mr. Cavanetti: You did?

Andrew: Yeah!

Mr. Cavanetti: Ah. Gotta go, Albert..

Andrew: Andrew!

Mr. Cavanetti: Oh. Andrew. Sorry.

Andrew: Where you going, Mr. Cavanetti?

Mr. Cavanetti: Huh? Oh, uh.. I just gotta meet my wife for a movie uptown.

Andrew: Oh, yeah! Are you two of you’s gonna go see Chopper 4!

Mr. Cavanetti: Geez.. No. We’re going to see a movie. you know, one of those big IMAX movies.

Andrew: Oh, IMAX! Those are like magic movies! Hey! You know what would make a great IMAX movie, Mr. Cavanetti!

Mr. Cavanetti: Chopper 4?

Andrew: Yeah, Chopper 4! You could see through the fog in 3D! I wonder what that would be like!

Mr. Cavanetti: Okay, Gordon..

Andrew: Andrew!

Mr. Cavanetti: Right.. well.. I’m gonna be late for the movie..

Andrew: Hey! You know, I went to an IMAX movie once, Mr. Cavenetti, I didn’t even make it into the theater! The poster gave the dizzies, I had to lie down on the sidewalk!

Mr. Cavanetti: [ confused ] You had to what?

Andrew: Yeah, yeah! The cold concrete makes the dizzies go away!

Mr. Cavanetti: Well.. maybe you should just stick to Chopper 4 on TV.

Andrew: Yeah! Well, I plan on doing that! Most definitely! Watching in my basement apartment with my fourteen cats – Alan, Sidney, Chopper 4, Bridget..

Mr. Cavanetti: Well.. you know what, Andrew..?

Andrew: Andrew!

Mr. Cavanetti: Andrew. A friend of mine is a news director over there at Channel 4..

Andrew: [ excited ] What?!

Mr. Cavanetti: Maybe I could, uh..

Andrew: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Does he know Chopper 4!

Mr. Cavanetti: Well, the station owns Chopper 4..

Andrew: Hey, no one could own Chopper 4, Mr. Cavanetti! It can see through fog!

Mr. Cavanetti: So I hear.

Andrew: Yeah! You think your friend could let me meet Chopper 4!

Mr. Cavanetti: Well, maybe.. let me talk to him, we’ll see..

Andrew: [ swooning ] Oh.. I’m getting the dizzies.. I gotta lie down on the sidewalk now.. [ lays down ]

Mr. Cavanetti: Slow down.. easy boy.. it’s gonna be fine..

Andrew: Oh, Mr. Cavanetti.. thank you so much.. thank you so much for getting me a ride on Chopper 4..

Mr. Cavanetti: I don’t think there’ll actually be a ride, but maybe you can sit in it while it’s on the ground..

Andrew: Oh, sitting in it will do! Thank you very much, Mr. Cavanetti! [ pulls at his hand ]

Mr. Cavanetti: Okay, no problem.. [ swats Andrew’s hand with his newspaper ] Gotta get going.. take care. [ walks off ]

[ cut to newspaper headline “Man Steals Chopper Four, Whereabouts Unknown” with Andrew’s picture next to it ]

[ cut to Chopper 4 flying the the skies of New York ]

Andrew’s Voice: Wow! I’m riding in Chopper 4! I can see through fog!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

White House For Sale

Mike McCurry…..Chevy Chase
President Bill Clnton…..Darrell Hammond
Peter Wolk…..Jim Breuer
Cheryl Wolk…..Cheri Oteri
Secretary…..Molly Shannon
Michael Brooks…..Tracy Morgan
Jason Howard…..Mark McKinney
Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald

[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President Bill Clinton sitting at his desk in front of a tall stack of flapjacks ]

[ Mike McCurry enters holding clipboard itinerary ]

Mike McCurry: Good morning, Mr. President.

President Bill Clinton: Mike. How are you doing?

Mike McCurry: Very good. Thank you, sir. We have a very busy day, sir. I have your itinerary right here in front of me.

President Bill Clinton: Alright, Mike.

Mike McCurry: Let’s take a look. At 8:45, you’re having coffee with six big contributors from Denver. They’ve each paid $25,000 each, so that’s good.

[ couple wander into the Oval Office in their pajamas ]

Peter Wolk: Hey, do you have any syrup?

President Bill Clinton: Uh.. excuse me, but.. if you’re looking for the tour, it starts downstairs..

Mike McCurry: Uh.. Mr. President, this is Cheryl and Peter Wolk. They’re big contributors from the Florida Democratic community, and they’re staying in the Lincoln Bedroom.

President Bill Clinton: [ laughs apologeticlaly ] I’m sorry! Thank you for your support!

Peter Wolk: Right, yeah. How about that syrup?

President Bill Clinton: Yeah.. sure. [ surrenders his bottle of syrup ]

Peter Wolk: Hey, man, can we get a TV in there, too?

Cheryl Wolk: Yeah, we’re gonna miss friggin’ Rosie.

Peter Wolk: Yeah.

[ couple exit the Oval Office ]

Mike McCurry: I’m sorry, sir. To continue: at 9:30, you’re playing golf; nine holes with the owner of a Phillipino natural gas company. He paid $40,000. You are to lose.

President Bill Clinton: What about my education reform package?

Mike McCurry: Well, I don’t know about that. [ continues ] 11:15, for $20,000, Pictionary with a Mr. & Mrs. Steven J. Peckman. Uh.. 12:10, for $9,000, you’re giving Mr. Robert Sinclair’s son a tennis lesson. That sounds nice.

President Bill Clinton: Wasn’t I supposed to fly to Mexico City for that economic conference.

Mike McCurry: Oh, Mr. President, we couldn’t use Air Force One – it’s already been rented out to the guy who kicked the field goal at the Pro Bowl.

President Bill Clinton: Oh?

[ Secretary enters Oval Office ]

Secretary: Uh.. Mr. President, your 9:00 and your 9:05 are here.

[ Black Man and Excited Man enter Oval Office ]

President Bill Clinton: Who are these people?

[ Black Man steps forward eagerly ]

Mike McCurry: Uh, sir, this is Mr. Michael Brooks, he paid $200 to have his photo taken with you. Go ahead. [ Clinton flashes a wide smile ] Oh, oh, oh, oh – don’t smile, sir, it’s a $200 picture.

[ satisfied, Blakc Man exits Oval Office ]

Mike McCurry: [ turns Clinton to the side ] Thank you. Mr. President, just stand this way for one moment, please.

[ Excited Man kicks Clinton straight in the ass ]

President Bill Clinton: Hey!

Mike McCurry: Uh.. this is Jason Howard, he paid $5 to kick you in the ass.

President Bill Clinton: Only $5?

Mike McCurry: Well, we’re running a special, sir. Every little bit helps.

Jason Howard: I only got a twenty.

Mike McCurry: That’s alright. [ takes the $20 and heads for a closet, which is revealed to contain a couple of money guards ]

President Bill Clinton: Oh, Michael, I don’t understand! Why do I even need all this money? I’ve already been re-elected.

Mike McCurry: Well.. you wanted a Democratic Congress. Campaigns cost money. [ to the money guards ] One ass kick.

President Bill Clinton: Could you just hold on a second, Michael. I mean.. what are we doing here? When did this all become about money? I mean, theyre are needy, hugry people out there, who are dependent upon me to help them improve the quality of their lives. I mean, I am the President.. of the United States.

Mike McCurry: Well, actually, sir.. as of five minutes ago, you’re not. Someone paid us a million dollars to be President for the next three hours.

President Bill Clinton: Somebody paid a million dollars?

Mike McCurry: A million dollars.

President Bill Clinton: A million?

[ Bob Dole crankily enters the Oval Office ]

Bob Dole: That’s right, you bet! That Superbowl commercial was worth every dime! Scram! Get the hell out of here! Bob Dole’s got three hours to pick an agenda, I got it all planned out here! The first twenty minutes, pick out a new cabinet! Next half-an-hour, meet with Congress, announce a balanced budget amendment! Next ten minutes, pull out our troops from Bosnia! Next forty-five minutes, well that’s nap time! Then, Bob Dole will wake up, roll back affirmative ation, that damn thing..

[ fade on Dole going crazy with his short-term power, as Clinton and McCurry exit Oval Office ]

SNL Transcripts

Chevy Chase’s Monologue

…..Chevy Chase

Chevy Chase: Thank you very much! That’s good enough.

It’s really great to be back here on “Saturday Night Live”. I haven’t been here in, oh.. days. But this is a very special Saturday for me, because yesterday was Valentine’s Day.. and I don’t often get the chance to speak from my hert, as it were. Through the camera, and to the audience here. I would like to sort of send a special valentine to my wife, Janie, and our three beautiful daughters – 14, 12, and 8. And.. and let you know, that.. as happy as I ever was on this stage, those are the people that make my life worthwhile, and made me, uh.. a happy dad.. and a happy man. And, uh.. we’re kind of a shy family.. that is to say, I’m a big star and all that stuff. That’s the icing, but they’re the cake.

But I think I may not be around long – they may ask me to leave before the show’s over. So, uh.. in a sense, honey, I want you to know that the reason I asked Lorne to ask you and the children to, uh.. to stay down here on the floor before you went upstairs and sat down and watched this.. because I was gonna do soemthing I know you didn’t expect.

You don’t often see movie and TV stars ask their families to come up and show themselves. But I.. I’d kind of like you to meet my family, and I’ll tell you why. The years have been long.. they’ve endured with me. I’ve been with Janie 17 years, and I’ve yet to kiss another woman – except in a movie – since the first time I dated Janie.. and that’s the truth. I love her more today than I ever have in the past. They’ve been through my highs, they’ve been through my lows.. they’ve been through my notorious periods.. they’ve been through just about everything with me, and they’ve sustained me, they’ve supported me, and they’ve remained young and spirited.. and I’m proud of them, and I’ love them very much. And, if they’re not too embarrassed, I’d love it if you’d just come up and say hello. I’d like you to meet them – Janie, my wife, and my three daughters.

[ very old woman enters stage as Janie, with two grown women and a grown man portraying his three daughters ]

Happy Valentine’s Day! I’ll probably see you in about, I don’t know, a month. And Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you! You know, we have a great show, and I know the kids are gonna love it – Live is here. Please, stay with us!

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
…..Colin Quinn

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Hi, I’m Norm MacDonald, and this is the fake news.

Our top story tonight: This week in the civil trial of O.J. Simpson, the jurywhich had earlier had found him liable in the deaths of Ron Goldman andNicole Brown Simpson, this week tacked on an additional 25 million dollars inpunitive damages. On hearing the news Simpson declared “This is far from over”.Asked to clarify that statement, O.J. said “I’m going to kill more people.What did you think I meant?”

Just hours after President Clinton again pledged to clean up the democraticparty’s fundraising operation, the Whitehouse announced he will attend amillion dollar fundraiser next week. However spokesman Mike McCurry stressedthat at this event “Donations from Indonesia or other foreign countries willnot be accepted, unless they are left in a brown paper bag under the sink inthe men’s room”.

More bad news for the President, this week convicted Whitewater swindlerJames McDougal claims that his ex-wife Susan McDougal had an affair withClinton while he was governor of Arkansas. The President denied the chargesadding, “If you really knew me you would know that I was always faithful toGennifer Flowers.”

Norm MacDonald: This week saw new accusations of infideltity levelingagainst President Clinton. Here to answer those charges, on behalf of thePresident, is Colin Quinn.
Colin Quinn: Thank you. [ points to photo of Susan McDougal ] Firstof all, this is Susan McDougal. I believe Clinton when he says he didn’tsleep with her. She isn’t his type. He doesn’t go for that corporatelook. He likes the girls with the teased-out perms and the flourescentlipstick that work at Spencer Gifts. His hero JFK was doing Marilyn Monroe,but Clinton falls for the first pair of frayed acid wash that stumbles out ofFudrucker’s.
But why are we all so upset about Clinton’s mistresses in the first place?Why mae a big deal out of it? In Europe, they accept the fact that theirleaders have mistresses. We should give Clinton that same slack. You know,he could bring them to state dinners: “Prime Minister Netenyahu, PrimeMinister Major, this is Tammy.” Who are we to judge? Our bodiesare too messed up sexually to begin with! Did you see Faye Resnick inPlayboy this month? What is that?! That’s like, “Hey, seethis girl? Her friend got murdered. I want to see her naked!” You know?We judge Clinton, but all the presidents had mistresses. Eisenhower, FDR..but those were professional mistresses. They would never rat you outto the media. If the media came sniffing around, they’d put on theirfavorite housecoat and eat a handful of barbituates. That’s the way it wasdone. That was the fifties. People didn’t want to know the President’sdirty laundry, they were just interested in his policies. In Europe, it’sstill that way – they sit around cafes, arguing politics. Here, peoplewatch the State of the Union Address, and they say, “Hey, Clinton looksfat.”
And Clinton is just like us. He should be worrying about his policies beingcompromised. He’s too bust running over to some suburban Virginia apartmentcomplex to be with a barmaid from Pizzeria Uno. He’s supposed to be leadingus, not looking at glass unicorn collections and listening to MaryChapin-Carpenter. You see, it’s our own fault. We want leaders who arecharming and charismatic and tell us what we want to hear. Well, guesswhat? Those qualities that get elected are the same ones that get youlaid. Thank you.
Norm MacDonald: Colin Quinn! Alright, Colin, good job. That wasgreat!

The Irish rock band U2 kicked off their new tour in New York City yesterday,making a surprise appearence at a downtown K-mart. Fellow Irish performerSinead O’Conner was also on hand, but she works there.

Well, it’s Oscar time once again and ‘Breaking the Waves’ star Emily Watsonwas nominated for Best Actress. Asked to comment, Watson said, “Who the hellam I? I’ve never heard of myself..”

Senator Strom Thurman, at 94, the oldest person ever to serve in Congress,has been hospitalized this week with a bout of the flu. Doctors who examinedthe senator thoroughly, got kind of nautious.

Prince, the black labrador from New Hampshire, sentenced to death for killinga rooster won a reprieve this week. But although Prince is now officially offthe hook with local authorities he still must face the family of the roosterin the Civil trial, so.. he may be giving up a few milkbones, or whatever..

Stephen J. Hawkings, the renowned astrophysicist, regarded as AlbertEinstein’s intellectual successor, conceded defeat this week in a wager hemade six years ago with two professors of the California Institute ofTechnology. Hawkings incorrectly bet against the existence of nakedsingularities: a mathematical point in a black hole where space and time areinfinitely distorted, where matter is infinitely dense and where the rules ofrelavistic physics break down. With all due respect to Mr. Hawkings: what thehell were you thinking? I would have taken that bet, made a quick 20 bucks!

In northeren Florida, refuse from a paper mill caused female fish to developmale sex organs. In a related story: Attorney General Janet Reno

Connecticuit legislators are about to pass a law that would make it illegalto prohibit breastfeeding in public. Then hopefully these legislators willchange this fascist law, that the person being breast-fed in public has tobe a baby.

Well here is a sign of the times: this summer for the first time ever youwill need a reservation to get into Yosemite National Park. Officials saythose hit hardest by the new regulations are the squirrels.
Gary Larson is writing for the show now.

And, finally, first place in Weekend Update’s “Most Romantic Valentine”contest goes to David Delaferra of Carny, New Jersey. Yesterday, Mr.Delaferra, who works as a fireman here in the city, climbed the ladder ofthe firetruck to the 3rd floor office window of his girlfriend Alexandra.There with a dozen roses and a wedding ring, he proposed to her in frontof all of her co-workers. Congratulations, David! And coming in last placefor the 3rd year in a row: O.J. Simpson.

Norm MacDonlad: And that’s the way it is, folks. Good night, enjoyyour Sunday!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 22nd, 1997

Alec Baldwin

Tina Turner

Howard Stern

Late Show with David Letterman

Robert De Niro (Baldwin) enjoys Letterman’s (Norm MacDonald) on-air persona.

Recurring Characters: David Letterman, Paul Shaffer, Robert De Niro.

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

Baldwin previews the behind-the-scenes action at SNL.

Roxbury Guys

Third Roxbury Guy (Baldwin) more successful than buddies (Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan).

Recurring Characters: Doug Butabi, Steve Butabi.

Mary Katherine Gallagher

Tina Turner offers self-esteem advice to Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon).

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

The Quiet Storm

“Champagne” Garnett (Tim Meadows) battles the station newsman (Baldwin).

Recurring Characters: Chris “Champagne” Garnett.

TV Funhouse

“Fun With Real Audio” turns Tom Snyder into a stalker during Dolly Parton interview.

The Gossip Show

Julie Brown (Cheri Oteri) gossips further.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Howard Stern discusses SNL censoring, and shows a clip from “Private Parts”.

Tina Turner performs “In Your Wildest Dreams”

Long Island Phone Sex

Yard Sale

Reminiscing couple (Baldwin, Molly Shannon) unload sentimental items for pennies.

Wong & Owens, Ex-Porn Stars

Wong (Jim Breuer) & Owens (Tracy Morgan) seek success in the corporate world.

Recurring Characters: Don Wong, Reggie Owens.

Tina Turner performs “Proud Mary”

Bill Brasky’s Funeral

Friends of Bill Brasky speak of his awe and wonder at his funeral.

Recurring Characters: Friends of Bill Brasky.

Rain: The Miniseries

Danger rainstorm is topic of new made-for-TV disaster epic.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 14

96n: Alec Baldwin / Tina Turner

Bill Brasky’s Funeral

First Friend of Brasky … Mark McKinney
Second Friend of Brasky … Will Ferrell
Third Friend of Brasky … Alec Baldwin
Woman … Ana Gasteyer
Fourth Friend of Brasky … Tim Meadows

[Fade in on an image of a building with a signreading: McKAY FUNERAL HOME. Somber organ music plays.Dissolve to the interior where a man and woman standbehind a huge wooden casket paying tearful lastrespects. In the background, other mourners sit inchairs awaiting the start of the funeral. The mankisses the woman, they cross themselves and exit leftjust as another couple enter from the right, brieflypay their respects and take a seat with the others.

Next, three mumbling members of the Brasky Bunchenter, drinking from large glasses half full ofliquor, and line up at the casket as if it were thecountertop of a bar. The cigarette-smoking FirstFriend of Brasky puts an ashtray on the casket. TheSecond Friend of Brasky carries a bottle. The ThirdFriend of Brasky wears a hat and also smokes acigarette. They speak loudly, slurring their wordsdrunkenly throughout:]

Third Friend of Brasky: I can’t believe he’sgone!

First Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman inthe office!

Second Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky was ason-of-a-bitch!

Third Friend of Brasky: I’m gonna misshim!

Second Friend of Brasky: [proposing a toast] ToBill Brasky!

All Three: [raising their glasses] BillBrasky!

Third Friend of Brasky: A ten foot monster whoslept with all of our wives!

Second Friend of Brasky: And he punched us allin the face!

First Friend of Brasky: And we LOVED him forit!

Third Friend of Brasky: He had a four day heartattack!

First Friend of Brasky: Yeah, a day for everychamber!

Second Friend of Brasky: When they did theautopsy, they said his heart was like a basketballfilled with ricotta cheese!

Third Friend of Brasky: They found sixtydollars in change in his stomach!

First Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman inthe office!

Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

All Three: Bill Brasky!

Third Friend of Brasky: I remember one timeBrasky took his family to Sea World–

First Friend of Brasky: I’m wearing adiaper!

Third Friend of Brasky: [after a slight pause]Anyway, they were watching Shamu the whale when Braskygot splashed!

Second Friend of Brasky: [speaksincoherently]

Third Friend of Brasky: Right. So Brasky yells,”I’m Bill Brasky and no one gets me wet!” So he climbsinto the tank, grabs Shamu and throws the whale intothe audience, splashes him and yells, “How do you likeit?!” And then damn if Brasky didn’t step in there andfinish the show!

Second Friend of Brasky: That’s just likeBrasky!

First Friend of Brasky: You know, he wouldshoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe.

Third Friend of Brasky: He did all the make-upon the Planet of the Apes movies.

Second Friend of Brasky: He taught – he taughtme how to love a woman – and how to scold achild.

First Friend of Brasky: He had dandruff thesize of mice!

Second Friend of Brasky: To BillBrasky!

All Three: Bill Brasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell youabout the time Brasky took me out to go get a drinkwith him?

Third Friend of Brasky: I’m a convicted sexoffender!

Second Friend of Brasky: [after a pause]Anyways, we go off lookin’ for a bar and we can’t findone. Finally, Brasky takes me into a vacant lot andsays, “Here we are!” Well, we sat there for a year anda half. Sure enough, someone constructed a bar aroundus!

First Friend of Brasky: P. J.McGinty’s!

Second Friend of Brasky: That’s right, that’sright! Well, the day they opened it, we ordered ashot, drank it and then burnt the place to the ground.Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, “Alwaysleave things the way you found them!”

Third Friend of Brasky: He was a terribleman!

First Friend of Brasky: He once punched a holein a cow just so he could see who was comin’ up theroad.

Third Friend of Brasky: He had nine children,all of ’em boys!

Second Friend of Brasky: Hell, he sired abaseball team.

Third Friend of Brasky: An orchestra, if youcount the bastards!

Second Friend of Brasky: To BillBrasky!

All Three: Bill Brasky!

Woman: [joins the three at the casket,whispering loudly] Excuse me, could you gentlemenplease keep it down? This is a funeral!

First Friend of Brasky: Oh! Sorry.

Third Friend of Brasky: Sorry, sorry. Hey, youmind gettin’ us some fresh ice there, girlie?

Woman: You are horrible men! [exits]

First Friend of Brasky: [continues withoutmissing a beat] Did I ever tell you about the time Ihad breakfast with Brasky?

Second Friend of Brasky: My Uncle Hal molestedme!

First Friend of Brasky: [after a slight pause]Anyways, Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD withhis eggs. Then he slept for eight months straight.When he woke up, he rubbed his eyes and said, “All inall, I prefer gin!”

Third Friend of Brasky: That’s just likeBrasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: To BillBrasky!

All Three: Bill Brasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: They say GeneRoddenberry got the idea for Star Trek from Braskytalkin’ in his sleep!

Third Friend of Brasky: He once breast-fed aninjured flamingo back to health.

First Friend of Brasky: He used to jog aroundthe block with a fridge on his back!

Second Friend of Brasky: His poop is consideredcurrency in Argentina!

First Friend of Brasky: He loved extensioncords!

Third Friend of Brasky: He hated Mexicans!

Second Friend of Brasky: And he was halfMexican!

First Friend of Brasky: And he hatedirony!

Third Friend of Brasky: He grew a third arm andkept it in a vault!

Second Friend of Brasky: He slept eight hours anight! [the others give him a puzzled look] Well, hewas pretty normal when it came to that.

[A mourner, who has been sitting in the backgroundsince the sketch began, now rises with a drink in hishand and joins the three at the casket:]

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Excuse me! Are youguys talkin’ about Bill Brasky?

First and Second Friend of Brasky: We certainlyare!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: I know BillBrasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: I like you!

Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

All Four: Bill Brasky!

[Suddenly, a giant hand clutching a half full glass ofliquor smashes up through the top of the woodencasket. The Brasky Bunch is momentarilystunned.]

Booming Voice of Bill Brasky: I’m back! Now,top me off, you bastards!

All Four: [thrilled] Bill Brasky!

[First and Second Friend pour liquor into Brasky’sglass.]

First Friend of Brasky: Here you go,buddy!

[Dissolve to photo of Alec Baldwin and some blueballoons. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 8

96h: Martin Short / No Doubt

The Terry Gantner Family Workout

Terry Gantner…..Will Ferrell
Kathy Gantner…..Molly Shannon
Julian Gantner…..Chris Kattan

Terry Gantner: Hey, folks! It’s time to burn some fat, and have son fun – the Terry Gantner way!

Announcer: From Mesa, Arizona, it’s “The Terry Gantner Family Workout”. And now, here’s Terry Gantner.

Terry Gantner: Good morning, and welcome! I hope you folks are ready, because today we’re gonna work on increasing our upper body strength! And how ae we gonna do that? With a combination of aerobics and ka-ra-te! As usual, I’m joined by my lovely wife Kathy, and my son Julian. How you guys doing?

Kathy Gantner: Great!

Julian Gantner: Great!

Terry Gantner: That’s all I need to hear! What do you say we get started – the Terry Gantner way! [ the three of them start to march in place ] Let’s begin with a simple march, just to get the blood going. How we doing, guys?

Julian Gantner: Great, Dad!

Kathy Gantner: Great, honey!

Terry Gantner: Good! Now that we’re warmed up, let’s throw in some cross punches. [ they cross punch ] This is Kathy’s favorite – right, honey?

Kathy Gantner: I love this one!

Terry Gantner: Grab the Lotus. Grab the Lotus. Grab the Lotus. Grab the Lotus. And return to ready position. Always return to ready position! Okay, what do you say we move it up a little bit, and focus all our concentration right up here. [ points to his head, as Julian holds a wooden board in front if him ] Here we go. Tame the tiger.. Tame the tiger.. Tame the tiger.. Tame the tiger.. Tame the tiger.. [ punches board, breaking Terry’s hand instead of the board ] Oh, God! Oh.. God! Oh, sweet God! Sweet bastard! Oh, my God! What kind of wood was that!!

Julian Gantner: Dad, are you all right?

Terry Gantner: What kind of wood was that! What kind of wood was that!! Sweet God! Oh, my God, I have really hurt myself! Oh, my God!

Kathy Gantner: [ grabs his hand ] Let me look at it..

Terry Gantner: [ pulls away ] Get off me!!

Kathy Gantner: I’m sorry!

Terry Gantner: I have hurt my hand!! Oh, lease call a doctor, I have definitely shattered my hand!! Oh, my God, what kind of wood was that!! Oh, my Go-o-od!

Announcer: This has been “The Terry Gantner Family Workout”.

Terry Gantner: It felt like cement!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 8

96h: Martin Short / No Doubt

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald
Jerry Lewis…..Martin Short

Alex Trebek: Welcome to “Celebrity Jeopardy”. We’ve got three wonderful celebrities playing fro charity. Let’s meet them. Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: Hello, Alex!

Alex Trebek: Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: How ya doing?

Alex Trebek: And finally, comedy legend, Jerry Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: May I tell you what a joy and a thrill and all it is to be here? It’s super-duper! [ laughs ]

Alex Trebek: Good luck to all three of you.

Jerry Lewis: Yeah, we’re gonna need it! [ laughs ]

Alex Trebek: What do you say we take a look at our board? The categories are: “Celebrities”, “Potpourri”, “Popular Music”, “Movies”, “”potent Potables”, “U.S. History”, and “‘S’ Words”, which are words that begin with the letter “S”. Mr. Connery, it’s your turn.

Sean Connery: [ thinking ] Ah.. I’ll take “Movies” for $400.

Alex Trebek: “John Travolta learned how to dance for this 1977 hit movie”. [ Sean Connery buzzes in ] Mr. Connery?

Sean Connery: That would be “Jaws”.

Alex Trebek: No. “Jaws” is incorrect. And please anwer in the form of a question. [ Burt Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: What is “Jaws”?

Alex Trebek: No. That was already guessed. [ Jerry Lewis buzzes in ] Mr. Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: If I remember correctly, Alex, that would be “Dancing For.. LADIES!!” I had to go for it!

Alex Trebek: No! That was incorrect, also.. what is “Saturday Night Fever”. Heads up, players. Sean Connery, it’s still your board.

Sean Connery: Uh.. I’ll take “Swords” for $400.

Alex Trebek: It’s actually not “Swords”.. these are words that begin with “S”. The answer is: “Popeye is this sort of man”. [ Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: What is.. Popeye?

Alex Trebek: [ sighs ] No. [ Connery buzzes in ] Sean Connery. And, remember, these are words that begin with the letter “S”, i>not “Swords”.

Sean Connery: [ bangs podium, thinking ] Saber!

Alex Trebek: No.

Sean Connery: It began with a bloody “S”!

[ Lewis buzzes in, laughing ]

Alex Trebek: Mr. Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: I got the answer, Alex. You want the answer, it’s simple. They’re terrified of a perfectionist. “They” being the people who are running the studios this week.. [ time runs out ]

Alex Trebek: [ sighs again ] I’m sorry, Mr. Lewis. Time’s up. “What is Sailor?” was the correct response. Tough start for everyone. All three celebrities are $800 down.

Sean Connery: [ angry ] The hell if I’m gonna pay you a bloody $800!

Alex Trebek: Please, be assured, Mr. Connery. This is for charity, it’s not your own money. And it is still your board.

Sean Connery: Alright, I’ll take “Movies” for $200.

Alex Trebek: “This racing movie with Dom DeLuise told us that yes cannonballs can run.” [ no one buzzes in ] “Cannonballs can run.” Burt, you might want to guess this. [ Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Oh, I don’t know.. Shaekespeare!

Alex Trebek: [ flabbergasted ] No. [ Connery buzzes in ] Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: I’ll not pay this fine, you curd, it’s unjust!

Alex Trebek: You don’t have to pay the.. [ Lewis buzzes in ] Jerry Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: Cannonballin’ Mamim’..

Alex Trebek: Wait, wait, wait.. it sounds like youmight have the right answer! Ddi you say “Cannon”?

Jerry Lewis: Cannon..

Alex Trebek: Now, say “ball”!

Jerry Lewis: Ball..

Alex Trebek: Put them together..

Jerry Lewis: Cannonballin’ Mamin’ aigh-yea! [ smiles ]

Alex Trebek: [ shakes head ] Okay, let’s just move on. Burt, can you please pick a category?

Sean Connery: [ whispering ] Pick “Swords”.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, sure, give me “Swords”.

Alex Trebek: [ annoyed ] It’s “‘S’ Words”! “‘S’ Words”! And, for how much, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: Aw, hell, let’s go nuts, “Swords” for $48,000!

Alex Trebek: We’re not doing “Swords”! You know what, why don’t we just move on to Final Jeopardy? The category is “Bodies of Water”. “This body of water gave Salt Lake City it’s name.” [ Final Jeopardy music plays, answers are written ] And, time is up. “This body of water gave Salt Lake City it’s name.” Sean Connery, you wrote.. [ screen reads “Swords” ] ..”Swords”. And you wagered.. [ screen shows lines ] ..what appears to be a Roman Numeral Seven.

Sean Connery: That’s an “M”!

Alex Trebek: That is is, Sir. Burt Reynolds, you put down.. [ screen reads “Alex Trebek” ] ..my name, that’s nice. And you wagered.. [ screen reads “Is a Fu..” ] ..”Is A..” ..okay, obviously that’s some sort of swear word. [ Reynolds smiles ] Jerry Lewis.. [ he’s missing from his podium ] ..has wandered off somewhere. Let’s see if he had anything. [ screen shows half-of-hand drawing ] Apparently his answer was an outline of half of his hand. And, he wagered.. [ screen shows rest of hand ] ..the other half of his hand. That’s beautiful. Well, I’d like to thank all of our celebrities for joining us this evening..

Jerry Lewis: [ runs in with glass of water ] I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I was in the little boy’s room! [ spills water on Alex ] Oh, boy, I didn’t mean to do that..

Alex Trebek: ..celebrities for joining us. Unfortunately, because of your scores, money will be taken away from charities.. [ Jerry sticks glass in his mouth and shows Alex ] That’s very funny, Jerry.. Join us tomorrow when we return for more Jeopardy.. [ looking at Lewis acting like a monkey with the glass in his mouth ] I have no idea..

[ Lewis runs into the audience to reach the cameraman ]

Jerry Lewis: Hey, come back! Come over, here, lady! I want to talk to you, Mr. Cameraman! Come to me..

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 8

96h: Martin Short / No Doubt

Martha Stewart Topless Christmas Special

Martha Stewart…..Ana Gasteyer

Martha Stewart Voiceover: I’m Martha Stewart. Join me next week,when I’ll share some old and new ideas for creating a trulymemorable holiday.

Announcer: “Martha Stewart’s Home For the Holiday’s Topless ChristmasSpecial”.

Martha Stewart: [ sitting in her living room, topless ] Hi there. I’mMartha Stewart. It’s my favorite time of year. Sleigh rides, caroling -these are just some of the things that remind us of Christmas.

[ cut to Martha in her Work Room ]

This is my Work Room, where we’ll be making these corn husk garlands. Youcan make them, too, in just 24 simple steps.

[ cut to close-up of Martha sitting in her kitchen ]

Also, we’ll learn how to make beeswax candles. They really say Yuletide.[ camera zooms out to reveal Martha only wearing a dickey ] And, I’ll showyou how to make a festive holiday dickey out of an old turtleneck. I madethis one. I really treasure it.

[ cut to Martha walking through the woods with two male friends ]

Today, we’re taking a field trip to my friend Tom Hardwick’s Christmas treefarm in the Hudson River Valley. [ glances skyward ] Oh, look, there’s agood one. [ they all walk towards it ]

[ cut to Martha back in her living room ]

So, join me, and my special guests, the Westport Boys Choir, for myChristmas special, “Home For the Holidays”. Even if you celebrate Chanukah,it’ll be a jolly good thing. [ Martha stands up and shakes her breastsin front of the boys but behind her black censor box ]

Announcer: “Martha Stewart’s Home For the Holidays Topless ChristmasSpecial”. Wednesday night at 8:00. Parental discretion advised.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 7


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


December 14th, 1996

Rosie O’Donnell

Whitney Houston

Penny Marshall

Beavis & Butt-Head

A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: In the spirit of Christmas, President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) and former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) make up.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, Michael Jackson, Janet Reno, Debbie Rowe.

Montage

Rosie O’Donnell’s MonologueSummary: Rosie O’Donnell sings “I Got You Babe” with Penny Marshall and Whitney Houston.

Darnette Disposable ToiletsSummary: Why use the same toilet more than once?

Transcript

SpartansSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) perform cheers for Pepperidge Farms.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

Mary Katherine GallagherSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) performs as her school’s Little Drummer Girl.

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Transcript

Delicious DishSummary: Margaret Jo McCullen (Ana Gasteyer) and Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon) discuss gingerbread and citrus.

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Teri Rialto.

TV FunhouseSummary: The Ambiguously Gay Duo rescues Santa Claus in “Don We Now… or Never”.

A Christmas Greeting from Goat BoyRecurring Characters: Goat Boy.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Beavis & Butt-Head share the meaning of Christmas with Norm MacDonald.

Transcript

Whitney Houston sings “I Believe In You & Me”

Rita DelvecchioSummary: Rita (Cheri Oteri) makes amends with bickering neighbor Theresa (Penny Marshall).

Recurring Characters: Rita Delvecchio.

Russell & TateSummary: For Christmas, Russell (Tim Meadows) & Tate (Tracy Morgan) will get your money.

Recurring Characters: Russell, Tate witherspoon.

The Local NewsSummary: Joe Blow (Colin Quinn) hosts a talk show in his basement.

Recurring Characters: Joe Blow.

Whitney Houston sings “I Go To The Rock”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts