Category: 1996

Both Sides with Jesse Jackson

Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond
Maxine Waters…..David Alan Grier
Johnnie Cochran…..Tim Meadows
Kincaid…..Ana Gasteyer

Jessie Jackson: Welcome to “Both Sides”. The debate over Ebonics – or Black English – is rapidly becoming an issue of the day. Is Ebonics an actual language, or is it just black slang. We must all agree our children must learn basic grammar.. subject-verb conjugation.. spelling.. syntax.. punctuation.. pronouns, adverbs, modifiers, clauses, commas and semicolons help provide.. [ pause ] ..pauses. What’s imperative, and what’s declarative? What’s interrogative? It’s my prerogative. From the upside-down, not Bobbby Brown. Jibbity-jibbity, and rat-a-a-tat-tat. Joining me today in support of Ebonics, Democratic congresswoman Maxine Walters.

Maxine Waters: Pleased to be here.

Jessie Jackson: From our Los Angeles bureau, opposing Ebonics, Defense Attorney Johnnie Cochran.

Johnnie Cochran: This is an outrage!

Jessie Jackson: And, from New York, representing M-TV, which, for years, has been corrupting the English language, political analyst Kincaid.

Kincaid: Oh, my God! Give me five! Reverend Jackson! Oh, my God! That’s totally likeThe Jackson Five! I love that! [ sings from “A.B.C.” ] Oh, my God, I can’t believe I remembered that song, that’s hilarious! What was Tito’s deal?

Jessie Jackson: [ confused ] I have no idea. [ pause ] Congresswoman Waters, you represent a district in Los Angeles considering teaching Ebonics. Could you speak a little now for us and translate, as well.

Maxine Waters: Certainly. To say in Ebonics, “Newt Gingrich is unelectable, and should resign,” it would go: “Gingrich, he be had that Contract with America, but now he off da hizzy, so him ain’t ever be playin’ in the white crib, y’all!”

Johnnie Cochran: Now, Congresswoman Waters, you know, that’s an outrageous statement! How can you show such disrespect for the English language? I’d be a failure at my job if I didn’t speak English good!

Jessie Jackson: Congresswoman, do you believe our government should play a role in officially promoting Ebonics?

Maxine Waters: Jesse, I don’t trust the United States government! The CIA is currently smuggling drugs from Nicaragua, and spreading them in our African-American communities! Not to mention, the FBI single-handedly stopping the Buffalo Bills from winning the Superbowl!

Johnnie Cochran: Now that statement was an outrage! You have to be a damn fool to believe that the police could be involved in a conspiracy against African-Americans! That’s prepostorous!

Jessie Jackson: Uh, Johnnie, we’re not talking drugs, crackpipes, the chronics.. we’re here to discuss our subject, language – Ebbabonics.

Kincaid: Oh, my God! Jesse! Can I just say something? It’s like, Ebonics is a way of educating society on cultural sensitivity. And we’re, like, in a nation right now where it’s hard for blacks to hit the big time. You know, not everyone’s the Jeffersons. Oh, my God, “The Jeffersons”! Like, “Moving on up, moving on up. To the East Side, to the East Side!” Oh, my God! You guys made me remember that song! That is totally hilarious! Remember Weezy?

Johnnie Cochran: Weezy was an outrage!

Jessie Jackson: Congresswoman Waters, what can we do with our unloved, unwanted, uneducated young people, who lack the skills to get a real job – like Kincaid, for example?

Maxine Waters: Well, this issue is explosive. I found that out on my fact-finding trip to Nicaragua.

Kincaid: Oh, my God, did you just say “explosive”! Like, “Dy-no-mite!” Oh, my God, I’m like so J.J. Walker!

Maxine Waters: Kincaid, you are inappropriate, annoying, and misinformed! Or, to say that in Ebonics: “Bitch, you be trippin’!”

Jessie Jackson: At this time, I think you point out one of the problems with Ebonics. It perpetuates linguistic abuse from generation to generation, mother to daughter, father to son.

Kincaid: Oh, my God, that’s like so totally father and son, like “Sanford & Son”! Like.. [ hums theme song ] Oh, my God! “It’s the big one! It’s the big one!” Oh, my God, Fred Sandford is like total genius, I love that!

Jessie Jackson: Kincaid, your racial bias is quite ironic, as we try to discuss Ebony-bonic.

Kincaid: Oh, my God, you guys, did you hear that! That was, like, so totally cool! Hew totally sound like, you know, one of the teachers on Charlie Brown! It’s like.. [ mimics non-speaking teacher noises ] Oh, my God! I’m, like, totally been gleened on Charlie Brown reruns! And oh my God, you guys! Rerun! Remember Rerun? It’s like.. [ hums “What’s Happenin’?” theme ]

Jessie Jackson: Kincaid.. Kincaid.. girl, shut your mouth!! Young lady, now we’re just about out of time. Any final thoughts?

Maxine Waters: Yes. I have evidence that Kincaids was constructed by the CIA, as a terrorist action against urban minorities.

Kincaid: “Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?!”

Johnnie Cochran: [ outraged ] Now, come on now! Terrorist action.. me hiding a bloody knife somewhere in my Brentwood apartment.. This is a bunch of nonsense!

Jessie Jackson: Bu-bu-bu-but, Johnnie.. we’re not talking about a bloody knife.

Johnnie Cochran: I rest my case.

Jessie Jackson: Great. Ladies and gentlemen, we are about out of time. Join us next week on “Both Sides”, when we will discuss another topic. And, until that time, keep hope alive.

SNL Transcripts

Death Row Bloopers & Practical Jokes

Priest…..David Alan Grier
Warden…..Chris Kattan
First Prisoner…..Will Ferrell
Second Prisoner…..Tracy Morgan
Guard…..Jim Breuer

Announcer: And now, from the creaters at Fox comes a hilarious new video – “Death Row Bloopers & Practical Jokes”. This laugh-packed tape includes actual incidents from real-life death rows. Like this one from the Huntsville Correctional Facility:

[ prisoner is led to the electric chair. When he sits down, the chair collapses underneath him, as the room laughs. ]

Announcer: And this tape, sent to us from the Raleigh State Prison from Raleigh, New Jersey:

[ Priest reads finla rites to Second Prisoner ]

Priest: “God, our father.. look upon us with love.. You remede us..” uh.. excuse me. “You.. remede us..” [ tries to control his laughter ] Sorry! [ clears throat ] “God, our fogger..” [ can no longer control his laughter ] Did I just say “fogger”? [ still laughing ] I know this is a difficult time!

Announcer: You’ll be laughing as hard as Sgt. Carl Mueller, when he sent us this clip from Marion Federal Penitentiary:

[ Warden stands over First Prisoner, who is not breathing ]

Warden: He’s not breathing. [ checks closer ] Yeah.. he’s dead.

First Prisoner: [ releases breath and starts to pant, with a smile on his face ]

Warden: Oh.. [ starts laughing ]

First Prisoner: [ laughing ] I almost had you!

Warden: [ laughing ] You dog, you! How long were you holding your breath!

First Prisoner: [ laughing ] It felt like ten minutes!

Warden: [ laughing ] Okay, let’s zap him again!

First Prisoner: What?! [ jumps from the sudden surge of electricity ]

Announcer: And you’ll also see this clip, where a condemend murderer enjoys his last meal:

[ Guard enters cell with trayful of food, then trips and spills the food all over the prisoner ]

Priest: [ laughing uproariously, as Second Prisoner fumes angrily ]

Announcer: You’ll never look at Death Row the same way again, after you’ve seen this tape.

[ a prisoner sits in an electric chair, as the switch is pulled. Water splashes the prisoner from above, as the room laughs at him. ]

Announcer: Send only $9.95. Order today.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 11

96k: David Alan Grier / Snoop Doggy Dogg

TV Funhouse

Father…..Stephen Colbert
Timmy…..Tyler Jones
Mother…..Laura Tietjen

FADE IN:

SUPER: WHEATY – THE WHEATEN TERRIER

INSERT HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF THE AFOREMENTIONED WHEATY, SITTING ON ALL FOURS.WHEATY BARKS OFF-SCREEN.

INT. 1950’s LIVING ROOM – DAY

A late 30’s FATHER reads the newspaper in his leather lounge chair, smoking a pipe. A MOTHER, same age range, spreads chocolate frosting on a cake. Their son, TIMMY, young and blond, races in.

Timmy: Wow! Is that cake almost ready?

Mother: Timmy, it’s for the bake sale.

The father removes his pipe.

Father: That’s right, trying to raise money to repair the road. Even Wheaty’s helping out.

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WHEATY GLANCING AROUND IN A DIFFERENT LIVING ROOM. WHEATY BARKS O/S.

Mother: I think Wheaty wants to eat the cake.

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE, TIME STAMPED, NOV. 14 1996, OF WHEATY CHEWING ON A RUBBER TOY SHOE. WHEATY BARKS O/S.

Father: What’s wrong, girl?

Timmy: I think Wheaty’s trying to tell us something.

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WHEATY LYING ON HER SIDE IN A PRIOR SEEN LIVING ROOM. The father rises from his chair and moves closer with Timmy at his side.

Father: Grandpa’s in trouble!?

Timmy: Where is he!?

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WHEATY, TIME STAMPED, OCT. 23 1996, EATING DOG FOOD. WHEATY BARKS O/S.

EXT. 1950’s HOUSE – DAY

Timmy and Father race down the front steps.

Father: You take us to him, girl!

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WHEATY LICKING HER PRIVATES ON THE FLOOR. WHEATY BARKS O/S.

EXT. OPEN FIELD – 1950’s – DAY

Timmy’s on his bicycle with his father running alongside.

Timmy: Hurry Wheaty!

Father: Keep going girl! We’re right behind you!

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WHEATY DRINKING WATER OUT OF A TOILET. WHEATY BARKS O/S. Timmy and his father pull GRANDPA from being pinned under a pick-up truck.

Timmy: You’re going to be okay, Grandpa.

Grandpa: How on Earth did you find me?

Father: We never would have been able to without Wheaty.

All three stare off OFF-SCREEN. CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WHEATY GETTING HUMPED BY A GOLDEN RETRIEVER ON A NEW YORK CITY SIDEWALK. Mother arrives in a police car. A SHERIFF and DEPUTY depart the vehicle at the same time as her.

Father: Pretty fast service, Sheriff.

Sheriff: Your wife told us to follow Wheaty. That’s a pretty good dog to help get us here.

Mother: Maybe she can get you to fix the road?

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WHEATY GETTING BATHED AND SCRUBBED IN SOAP. WHEATY BARKS O/S. Everyone chuckles.

Sheriff: Well, I guess that makes it unanimous. We’ll try to stir things up with the State Road Authority.

Timmy: You sure stirred things up! Right, Wheaty?

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE, TIME STAMPED NOV. 9 1996, OF WHEATY STARING AT A RUBBER BONE ON HER LIVING ROOM FLOOR. WHEATY BARKS O/S. QUICK DISSOLVE TO WHEATY, HAVING HER PAW HELD BY OWNER, WAVING GOODBYE.

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

David Alan Grier’s Monologue

…..David Alan Grier

David Alan Grier: Thanks a lot! [ chuckles ] You know, it is so great to be back here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. now, as you know, Monday is President Clinton’s inauguration.

Random Audience Member Reaction: Uh-huh.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.. he’s going to serve his second term, and I’m proud to say that I voted for Clinton – uh, George Clinton, because I thought we needed some P-Funk in da White House! Anyway, a lot of celebrities have been invited to participate. In fact, I wrote a song for the occasion. So, since I have a live audience right here, I thought tonight would be a perfect time for me to sing the song I’m hoping to do at the Inaugural.

[ music pots up ]

David Alan Grier: Alright, now let’s slow it down. Mr. President. Ahhhhh, yeahhhh! You know, tonight is all about Y-O-U. So, sit back and put down that Arch Deluxe that you’re chewing too fast. That’s right.

Tonight, make your home state of Arkansas real proud. Arkansas! Home of that banjo player from “Deliverance”. You know, the big-headed boy – he scares me!

But, you, my man, you inspire me, Mr. President. The way you grab an issue and then, real slow, switch positions over and over and over again! Man, that feels good!

And let’s not forget about the First-Lady – hey, girl! You know, you two make the perfect couple. You and Bill are the Peaches & Herb of the free world.

Now, you know, I know I’ve been talking a little bit too much. So, I guess, what I really want to say is..

[ singing ]

“Let’s get butt-naked in the White House
Ahhhhh, we’re gonna pass some legislation
and sign a new Health Care Bill.

Come on, let’s get butt-naked in the White House
Ooh, we gonna have a free party
Free party up on Capitol Hill!

Newt Gringrich, butt-naked!
The whole Congress, butt-naked!
Strom Thurmond, don’t you get naked at the free party!
Free party, up on Capitol Hill!”

Thank you so much! Now, we got a great show – Snoop Doggy Dogg is in the hizzouse! So, stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
…..Colin Quinn

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Good evening! I’m Norm MacDonald, and this is the fake news.

Our top story tonight: Late yesterday, the House subcommittee investigating Newt Gingrich finally issued its long-awaited report, recommending that the Speaker be given a reprimand and a $300,000 fine for “minor ethical violations”. Gingrich has promised to come up with the money promptly, although he admits it is going to involve “giant ethical violations”.

Meanwhile, with President Clinton’s second inaugural approaching, the tension has turned to what the women will be wearing at the festivities. According to the White House, First-Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton will wear a gown by Oscar Delorante; Tipper Gore will appear in a Jennifer George ensemble; and Attorney-General Janet Reno will be outfitted by Rochester Big & Tall.

This week, in arguments before the Supreme Court, lawyers for President Clinton asked that the sexual harrassment suit, brought by Paula Jones, be delayed until he leaves office. According to Clinton’s attorney, “If the President were hauled into court every time some nut accused him of sexual harrassment, he’d have no time to ‘scare up tail'”.

Norm MacDonald: He likes scaring up the tail! Okay!

In dramatic testimony this week at his civil trial, O.J. Simpson said he didn’t commit suicide only because, “My mother told me you don’t go to heaven if you kill yourself.” Oddly, his mother did say, “It’s okay to kill other people.”

In Atlanta this week, two separate bomb blasts rocked a building which houses an abortion clinic. Asked if there were any suspects, an FBI spokesman said, “We don’t want to rush to judgment like we did in the Olympic Park bombing case,” but then added, “It’s Richard Jewell.”

Basketball star Michael Jordan has scored a slam dunk with his new men’s fragrance, selling one-and-a-half million bottles of Michael Jordan cologne in the first two months. No, the scent does not smell like michael Jordan after a game; it smells like Patrick Ewing. Smells good!

This week, the Rev. Jesse Jackson called for an end to his boycott of auto maker Mitsubishi, citing improvements in job opportunities for minorities, and also the fact that he couldn’t find a word that rhymes with Mitsubishi.

Norm MacDonald: The controversy surrounding Michael Irving continues. Here with a commentary, our good friend Colin Quinn. Hey, Col!

Colin Quinn: Thank you, Norm. Thank you, folks. Thank you. So now the media has falsely accused Michael Irving. We all thought he was guilty, and now we owe him an apology. I’m not going to apologize to him! Why should? Nobody ever apologizes to me for anything! I’ll apologize to him when the people that owe me an apology, apologize to me!

But he is right about the hypocrisy over his indiscretions, because, let’s face it, we’ve all been there. It’s five o’clock in the morning, you’ve done a quarter-ounce of coke in under two hours, and there’s two prostitutes ripping your hotel room apart looking for the rest of the stash.. meanwhile, you’re lying on the bathroom floor, the bathtub is overflowing, but you can’t get up to turn the water off, your nose is bleeding, you’re sweating , you can’t stop crying, your heart stops beating every thirty seconds, and you’re thinking, “Am I gonna be able to play football today?” And, of course, when these incidents happen, we all ask ourselves the same question: “Was it a white girl?”

Now, the Cowboys are saying, “We didn’t know he had a drug problem.” Really? Do you know a lot of people not on drugs who wear gold suits? He’s supposed to be sitting on the sidelines inspiring his team, he looks like he should be shooting pool with Starsky & Hutch. So what I’m saying is yes, the media’s wrong to spend so much time talking about Michael Irving. But, on the other hand, if you don’t want people to talk about you, don’t dress like Krystal Carrington.

So, Michael, you don’t get your apology. But at least, you should be happy – your scandals involve real girls. Look at someone like Richard Jewell. He’s the one who deserves an apology. The cops searched his house, they said they found a housegul of porno. The whole country knows he’s collecting porno, and, you know.. I mean, he can’t even touch himself in peace! You want to talk about a violation of civil rights. I mean, that’s every guy’s worst nightmare, right? When you’re a teenager, and you’d be playing with yourself, you look outside the window and there’s 500 cops standing there, telling you to come out with your hands up! So, Richard Jewell, you deserve an apology!

Norm MacDonald: Colin Quinn, everybody! Colin Quinn. I owe Colin an apology, I thought that piece would die!

In New York, state-of-the-art self-cleaning toilets may soon appear on city streets. In a survey, New Yorkers expressed their enthusiasm for the outdoor toilets, noting that they are very easy to urinate on.

Beginning in March, D.C. Comics will change Superman’s traditional red and blue costume to a new form-fitting bodysuit. The problem with the old costume? Not gay enough.

What the hell’s going on in the country? That’s not Superman!

Last week, in Canastota, New York, fight promoter Don King was elected to the International Boxing Hall of Fame. King graciously thanked the Hall of Fame for the honor, then took all its money and left it bankrupt.

In Springfield, Missouri, the local cable company mistakenly aired five minutes of explicit sex scenes from the Playboy Channel on the Cartoon Network, during an episode of “The Flintstones”. Experts say that children who saw the broadcast called it the “greatest Flintstones episode ever!”

In literary news, the ever-reclusive J.D. Salinger will publish his first book in 34 years. Asked what inspired him to finally write again, Salinger said, “Get the hell off my lawn!”

Following the passage of a new city ordinance, strippers are now forbidden to give lap dances in the city of Houston, Texas. Or, as I refer to it: Nazi, Germany.

That’s ridiculous! Completely ridiculous!

Finally, according to the U.S. News & World Report 1997 Career Guide, the bet job in the United States, for the second year in a row, is Interactive Business System Analyst. However, last year’s worst job, Assistant Crack Whore, has been replaced by a new worst job: Crack Whore Trainee.

Norm MacDonald: And that’s the way it is. Good night, folks!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 8th, 1997

Neve Campbell

David Bowie

David Spade

David Bowie, “Scary Monsters”

O.J. Simpson Press Conference

O.J. Simpson (Tim Meadows) feigns naivety during outdoor press conference.

Recurring Characters: O.J. Simpson.

Neve Campbell’s Monologue

Campbell receives a supposed scary phone call from David Spade.

Caribbean Essence Bath Oil

(Repeat) See: 10/05/96.

Jackpot

Contestants can’t win game show hosted by mumbly Suel Forrestor (Chris Kattan).

Recurring Characters: Suel Forrester.

Delicious Dish

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Teri Rialto.

TV Funhouse

Spartans

Sidney Prescott’s (Campbell) cousin Arianna (Cheri Oteri) dulls party.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

Janet Reno’s Dance Party

Recurring Characters: Janet Reno, President Bill Clinton.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

David Bowie performs “Little Wonder”

20/20

Woody Allen’s (David Spade) co-stars emerge from TV screen during interview.

Recurring Characters: Woody Allen.

Urban Teens

Hitler Speech

Rolf (Colin Quinn) and other Nazis gossip behind Hitler’s back.

Tim Meadows & Lorne Michaels speak of Hitler sketch like they were Rolf.

Recurring Characters: Rolf.

David Bowie performs “Scary Monsters”

Adventures of the White Trash Disaster Trailer

White trash family lives life among tornado trouble.

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 22: Episode 12

96l: Neve Campbell / David Bowie

O.J. Simpson Press Conference

O.J. Simpson…..Tim Meadows
Dan Rather……Darrell Hammond
Reporter #1…..Cheri Oteri
Reporter #2…..Chris Kattan
Reporter #3…..Ana Gasteyer

FADE IN:

[ CBS NEWS “BREAKING NEWS” BUMPER ]

[ INT. CBS NEWS NYC STUDIO – NIGHT ]

[ DAN RATHER is seated at the desk. ]

Dan Rather: Good evening, I’m Dan Rather. There’s been a new developmentin the seemingly endless O.J. Simpson saga. Earlier today —

[ KCBS LA NEWS COPTER FOOTAGE OF SIMPSON RUNNING WITH A WHEEL BARREL FULLOF MONEY AND TWO BANK GUARDS ESCORTING HIM TO LOAD IT IN HIS VEHICLE. ]

Dan Rather: Simpson was leaving his lawyer’s offices and heading to thisbank in Los Angeles. Approximately 22 minutes later, Mr. Simpson emergedfrom the bank with a wheel barrel that looked to be overflowing with bagsand bags of money.

[ O.J. WAVES TO THE NEWS COPTER. ]

Dan Rather: Mr. Simpson then returned to his Brentwood estate where he’sholding an impromptu press conference. And now, CBS News takes you therelive…

[ EXT. SIMPSON ESTATE – NIGHT ]

[ O.J. SIMPSON is surrounded by several reporters. He’s holding a shovelwith dollar bills attached to it. Numerous stacks of dollar bills areshoved into his shirt. ]

O.J. Simpson: Thank you. Thank you all for coming. I’d like to comment onthe 8.5 million dollar judgment against me. I will gladly pay this fine,but there is no money. I am flat broke. You know, if you haven’t talked tomy lawyers, they have all the money. You know what I say when I see mylawyers? “Show me the money! Show me the money!”

[ O.J. chuckles. The reporters can’t seem to break the awkwardness. ]

Reporter #1: Mr. Simpson, you were seen earlier emptying out your bankaccounts.

O.J. Simpson: Now see, that’s not true! I was here all day. I was taking anap. No, no — I was chipping golf balls. No, no — I was packing! No, no– me and Kato went to McDonald’s. No, no — it was Arby’s! No, no — it was McDonald’s — I’m going to say McDonald’s!

Reporter #2: Mr. Simpson, did you just bury all your money in the backyard?

O.J. Simpson: Did I bury the money!?!? No way!! There are two things I’venever done – beat a woman and bury my money in the backyard. You know, Idon’t even have a shovel…

Reporter #2: Then what’s that?

O.J. Simpson: What?

Reporter #2: In your hand? Isn’t that a shovel?

O.J. Simpson: This is not a shovel! “Show me the money! Show me themoney!” Who saw that movie?

Reporter #3: And what’s that stuck to it? It looks like money.

O.J. Simpson: Yeah it is. It’s the only money I have left. I’m going to bedistributing this money to those who deserve it from the judgment againstme. But I stuck it on this shovel so I wouldn’t forget it.

Reporter #2: I thought you said you didn’t have a shovel.

[ O.J. murmurs NIGGER under his breath. ]

O.J. Simpson: Who said “nigger”? Why must this always be about race!?

Reporter #2: Sir, there are foot prints! Foot prints from Air Jordansleading to the backyard to where you are standing right now.

O.J. Simpson: Did somebody just call me a nigger? Look, I don’t own a pairof Air Jordan sneakers. Do you think I would own an ugly pair of shoeslike that anyway? Come on! It’s me! The Juice!!

Reporter #2: You’re wearing them! I’m looking at them right now!!

O.J. Simpson: Here we go again… Come on now!

[ A golden lab steps out of the front gate with a Ziploc bag full of cashfrom his mouth. He goes off into the distance. ]

O.J. Simpson: Come on! That dog’s got my money! And one other thing…

[ The camera zooms on Tim Meadows. ]

O.J. Simpson: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
…..David Spade

[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk, brandishing a sheaf of paper held together by a paper clip.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald and nowthe fake news. Our top story tonight:

[Photo of O. J. Simpson] In a unanimous verdict thisweek, a Santa Monica jury found O. J. Simpson liablefor the wrongful deaths of Nicole Brown Simpson andRonald Goldman, awarding the plaintiffs damages ofeight million dollars. Reacting to the verdict,Simpson insisted that he has nowhere near that amountof money and that his only remaining asset is thirtypairs of Bruno Magli shoes. [weak audience reaction,Norm winces, removes the paper clip from his sheaf andturns to the next story:]

[Photo of Denise Brown] As the jury’s decision wasannounced, Nicole Brown’s sister, Denise Brown, toldreporters, quote, “I feel ecstatic!” [Photo of JohnnieCochran] while Johnnie Cochran said, quote, “I acceptthe verdict and now we must move on.” [Photo of KatoKaelin] Meanwhile, Kato Quolin — Kato Kaelin, I’msorry — Kato Kaelin said, quote, “Please, God, don’tlet it be over!” [Norm chuckles]

[Photo of Bill Clinton] The announcement of theverdict came toward the end of President Clinton’sannual State of the Union address and, to manyobservers, completely overshadowed the event. Even thePresident was distracted during his speech, waiting tohear exactly how much it costs to kill your wife.[audience reacts badly but then whistles and applauds]

[Photo of “suicide doctor” Jack Kevorkian] And, inother news, authorities in Pontiac, Michigan aretrying to determine if Dr. Jack Kevorkian was involvedwith the death of a woman whose body was found in theback of his suicide van. You know, I’m no expert inpolice work, but, uh, YES!

Meanwhile, five thousand disabled Americans were inWashington last week to protest doctor-assistedsuicide. On a sad note, the demonstration turned uglywhen all five thousand disabled people fought over twohandicapped parking spaces. … I told you it was sad,it was sad.

[Photo of Clinton advisor Dick Morris] Disgracedformer presidential advisor Dick Morris revealed thisweek that President Clinton phoned him two days afterthe election. Pressed as to what the two men talkedabout during their three-hour conversation, Morrissaid: “Whores.”

[Photo of Tonya Harding] Skater Tonya Harding, bannedfrom competing for the United States because of herpart in the Nancy Kerrigan attack, received a setbackthis week when her request to skate for Norway wasalso rejected. However, Harding remains optimisticthat she’ll get the okay to compete for The Republicof White-trash-istan.

[American Express corporate logo] And, in businessnews, American Express has announced plans to lay offthree thousand workers. According to the company,employees will be notified of the layoffs with pinkslips reading simply, “Don’t Leave Home…”

Norm MacDonald: Now, with our old buddy Dave Spade,here’s the “Hollywood Minute” — Hi, Dave!

David Spade: All right! Whooo! Hello, Norm.

Norm MacDonald: Hi.

David Spade: Hello, crowd. Good evening! Well, a lothas happened in the entertainment world since I leftthe show last May so let’s talk about some of thehighlights.

[Photo of talk show host Pat Bullard] “The Pat BullardShow” has been canceled. Watched it a few times but itmade me yearn for the edginess and sharp biteof “Mike and Maty.” [mild reaction from crowd] Ah,just a little warm-up pitch. Don’t get scared.

[Photo of actor Randy Spelling] Tori Spelling’sbrother Randy just got hired in his dad AaronSpelling’s other show, “Sunset Beach.” Last time I sawnepotism this bad, it was, uh– No, wait. I’ve NEVERseen nepotism this bad.

[“Star Wars” movie poster] Saw the movie “Star Wars”this weekend. It’s about people flying through spacebeing chased by Darth Vader and storm troopers. Ireally liked this movie the first time I saw itwhen it was called “Star Wars”! … Oh, wait.Okay.

[Photo of “Star Wars” producer/director George Lucas]George Lucas was happy with “Star Wars” makingthirty-six million dollars opening weekend. Now he canfinally afford that sporty Miata he’s had his eye on.[another mild reaction] Thanks for that joke, Norm.It’s a real doozy!

[Photo of “Star Wars” actor Mark Hamill, circa 1977]When “Star Wars” was first released twenty years ago,I saw a picture of Mark Hamill at the premiere. He waswith two girls who on a scale of one to ten wereeasily a “nine” and a “ten.” Cut to the premiere a fewweeks ago and, uh… [Norm starts laughing, photo ofHamill, circa 1997, with two less than attractivewomen] Whew! Mark, may the “fours” be with you.

[Photo of actor Skeet Ulrich] Skeet Ulrich, one of thestars of the movie “Scream.” Skeet, uh, Johnny Deppcalled. He needs his DNA back. … If you could get onthat.

[Photo of Banana Republic compact disc] I wentshopping at the Banana Republic and found out theyhave a new CD of in-store music. I listened to it and,honestly, I felt it was derivative of “J. Crew Live atBudokan” … Yeah, you know, not that that’s bad, it’sjust … derivative.

[Photo of short-haired actress Cameron Diaz] CameronDiaz just cut off all her gorgeous hair. Men ofAmerica, you can now stop spankin’ it.

[Photo of late athlete Steve Prefontaine] Two moviesabout Olympic runner Steve Prefontaine are coming outat the same time. All right! They have two differenttitles, though, “Snore” and “Snooze”! … Hmm. Whichone will be first?

[Showtime movie channel corporate logo] I haveShowtime now which is like a low-ball version of HBO.Only raunchier. So I forget I have it until Saturdaymornings when I’m flippin’ through the channels andall I see is: cartoon, cartoon, cartoon, WARNING! Thisprogram contains explicit nudity! Yeeeaahh!SHOWTIME!!! Whoo-hoo! Showtime, [voice drops to awhisper] I love you. … [to Norm] Don’t judge me.

[Photo of singer James Brown] I saw the Super Bowlhalftime show. First, the good news. I heard thatJames Brown’s performance counted as communityservice. And, uh, yeah, so there’s ten minutes. [Photoof the new Blues Brothers] And, uh, the bad news is:did anyone see the new Blues Brother debacle? Yeah,who greenlit this cattle drive, right? I love you guysbut why don’t you go back to doing what you do best –getting stoned and just talking about doing stuff likethat?

[Photo of singer/actress Madonna in the film “Evita”]Ohhh, Disney’s precious “Evita”! [hick accent] Guesswhat?! I didn’t give a crap about the real Evita and Ireally don’t care about the fake one! [quietly, toNorm] Stay close.

[Photo of singer Marilyn Manson] I have a message for,uh, Marilyn Manson. Yeah, Satan called and, uh, first,um, he says, Hi. And, um, your videos are giving himnightmares. … So if you could bring it down a notch.

[touches his own hair] Is that what my hair lookslike?

[Photo of athlete Dennis Rodman in drag] Okay, uh,Dennis Rodman, it’s just not cute any more.

[Photo of U2 lead singer Bono] And, by the way, whendid Bono turn uncool? Five years ago, he’s the biggestrock star in the world. Now, he’s like Potsie.[Side-by-side photos of Bono and Anson Williams as”Potsie” on the sitcom “Happy Days”] … Seriously,the other guys in U2 are like, “Oh my God, here comesBono. Don’t tell him what we’re doin’ tonight.” …Meanwhile, if he came in here, we’d kiss his ass.

[Glamorous photo of singer Courtney Love] CourtneyLove! Here’s her latest cleaned-up look. Now she’s thekind of girl you can bring home to Mom. If your momlikes to share needles and make out with chicks.

Back to you, Norm!

Norm MacDonald: [who has pulled his paper clip out ofshape and now twirls it in Spade’s direction] DavidSpade!

David Spade: Thank you! [shakes hands with Norm] Goodto see you, pal! [waves to crowd, rises, exits] Allright!

Norm MacDonald: [Photo of convicted young murdererLyle Menendez] This week, the California Department ofCorrections confirmed that Lyle Menendez and modelAnna Erickson were married in prison. Following theceremony, Menendez spent a romantic wedding nightbeing raped by two white guys and a big black guy.

[Photo of the Village People] TriStar Pictures isplanning a film about the ’70s disco act, the VillagePeople. While the movie will be coming out nextsummer, it plans to wait until Thanksgiving to comeout to its parents.

[Photo of Bruce Willis] Actor Bruce Willis is filminghis next movie, the “The Broadway Brawler,” inWilmington, Delaware. [Photo of actress Demi Moore]Meanwhile, his wife Demi Moore is taking a break frommovie work saying she wants to spend more time withher huge breasts.

[Image of newspaper headline which reads: “Same day (&hosp) delivery for 3 sisters”] Well, how’s this for acoincidence? Last week in New York, three sisters eachhad a baby on the same day at the same hospital.Though, it should be noted, the three womenwere in different hospitals, they’re notsisters, and they didn’t have babies. Also, it was,uh, two guys. [hardly anyone laughs] Still kind of acoincidence, you know, if you think about it…

[Image of a newspaper blurb titled “Missouri”]According to a new ordinance in Kansas City, Missouri,anyone convicted of indecent exposure, prostitution,or soliciting prostitution will have his name postedon a local cable channel. If I can be permitted apersonal comment, while the plan’s goal of publiclyshaming sex offenders is well intentioned, it’simportant to remember, in this democracy of ours, thatNorm MacDonald is a very common name.

[Photo of masked pop star Michael Jackson and wifeDebbie Rowe] And, finally, sources report that MichaelJackson’s baby is due February 27th and it’s going tobe named Michael Jackson Junior. Michael plans to bewith the mother during the delivery, in his words, tomake up for not being there for the contra-s– …[having messed up the punchline, Norm chuckles andstarts over] Sources report that Michael Jackson’sbaby is due February 27th… [Norm stops reading andsays matter-of-factly] It’s “conception” — the lastword was “conception,” so …

[Scattered laughter. Applause. Music. Apparentlydisgusted at having mangled the joke, Norm doesn’teven say good night — he just grins and nods to thecamera as we dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:
February 15th, 1997

Chevy Chase

Live

None

None
NightlineSummary: Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond) interviews actresses Debbie Reynolds (Cheri Oteri), Madonna (Ana Gasteyer), and Courtney Love (Molly Shannon), who were all snubbed for this year’s Oscar nominations.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Debbie Reynolds, Madonna, Courtney Love.

Montage

Chevy Chase’s MonologueSummary: Chevy Chase introduces his faux supportive family members.

Transcript

Home Security DecoysSummary: Bill Tasker (Mark McKinney) touts the menacing dummies that keep real criminals away.

Note: Repeat from: 10/19/96.

White House For SaleSummary: President Bill Clinton’s (Darrell Hammond) advisor (Chevy Chase) outlines the administration’s desperate fundraising ploys.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Bob Dole.

Transcript

O.J. Simpson Punitive and Compensatory Damages TelethonSummary: While emceeing his own telethon, O.J. Simpson (Tim Meadows) seems unfazed and surprised that donations aren’t just rolling in.

Recurring Characters: O.J. Simpson, Mike Tyson, Harry Caray.

The CulpsSummary: Marty (Will Ferrell) & Bobbie Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) sing a medley at their at niece’s Sweet 16 party.

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.

Transcript

Smokey and the BanditSummary: Re-mastered in time for its 20th anniversary re-release, “Smokey (Darrell Hammond) and the Bandit (Norm MacDonald)” now includes a deleted scene featuring a truck-driving Yoda.

Recurring Characters: Burt Reynolds, Jerry Reed.

Transcript

Charlie RoseSummary: Goat Boy (Jim Breuer) and Cow-Man (Chase) square off on Charlie Rose’s (Mark McKinney) panel discussion.

Recurring Characters: Charlie Rose, Goat Boy, Leslie Abramson.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Colin Quinn comments on the President Clinton/Paula Jones scandal.

Transcript

Live performs “Lakini’s Juice”

7 Action NewsSummary: News anchor Jeff Proctor (Chevy Chase) can’t stop himself from making up false stories.

The ZimmermansSummary: Josh (Chris Kattan) and Laura Zimmerman (Cheri Oteri) play First Date to liven up their traditional married life.

Recurring Characters: Josh Zimmerman, Laura Zimmerman.

Fitting RoomSummary: To a man’s (Norm MacDonald) chagrin, a janitor (Will Ferrell) and a store manager (Chevy Chase) peep on his wife (Molly Shannon) as she changes in a fitting room.

Live performs “Heropsychodreamer”

Chopper 4Summary: Mr. Caminetti (Chevy Chase) is vexed when news stand owner Andrew (Mark McKinney) can’t stop talking about Chopper 4.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 13

96m: Chevy Chase / Live

Smokey and the Bandit

The Bandit…..Norm MacDonald
Snowman…..Will Ferrell
Sheriff Buford T. Justice…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on image of outer space, as text scrolls upward ]

Announcer: “In 1977, a film was released that was so powerful, so revolutionary, it forever changed the way we looked at motion pictures. Now, twenty years later we are proud to announce the return of… Smokey and the Bandit.”

[ dissolve to car chase clip from “Smokey and the Bandit”, over Jerry Reed’s “Eastbound and Down” ]

Announcer: Yes! The Bandit is back! and the smokeys are on his tail!

[ show image of The Bandit staring blanky and chewing as he drives his Corvette ]

[ cut to The Snowman driving the rig and speaking into the CB radio ]

Snowman: Good buddy, I don’t know if we can get this Coors there on time, just doin’ a double nickel. Catch you on the flip side. 10-4!

[ show clip of Bandit’s Corvette jumping the busted bridge, as a police cruiser spins into action ]

Announcer: Bandit, may the force be with you — the police force of Texarkana, that is, led by the evil Buford T. Justice.

[ cut to Buford T. Justice sitting behind the wheel as he speaks into his CB radio ]

Sheriff Buford T. Justice: This is Sheriff Buford T. Justice, you sumbitch!

[ show clip of Bandit hiding his Corvette within the convoy ]

Announcer: And look out for 14 digitally-restored minutes not shown in the original. Like this exciting scene:

[ cut to Bandit behind the wheel of his Corvette with Snowman in the passenger seat ]

The Bandit: [ into CB radio ] Yeah, Breaker 1-9. This is, uh — the Bandit! [ chuckles ] Yeah, we’re gonna… need some help.

[ cut to Yoda driving a truck ]

Yoda: [ into CB radio ] Help you, I will, yes. Come in, Bandit. You’ve got smokeys on your back door. Come on back.

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: “Smokey and the Bandit”. Relive the magic!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts