SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 16

98p: Drew Barrymore / Garbage

Drew Barrymore’s Monologue

…..Drew Barrymore
Bottle of Whiskey…..Chris Kattan
British Gent…..Horatio Sanz
…..Cheri Oteri
Carrot…..Chris Parnell
Adam Sandler…..Jimmy Fallon

Drew Barrymore: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Oh, my God! Thank you! I’m so thrilled to be here! you know, actually, this isn’t my first time on the show. In fact, I was the youngest person to ever host the show. It’s crazy! Here’s what I looked like back in 1982.

[ cut to clip of Drew’s 1982 monologue with Tim Kazurinsky ]

Tim Kazurinsky: Do you like video games?

Drew Barrymore: I love video games! If I have time off, and someone says I can go to the arcade, I say, “Terrific! Any time!”

[ cut back to 1999 ]

Drew Barrymore: Hard to believe that was 17 years. And in those 17 years, I’ve been through.. a lot. A real lot. Like, lots and lots. So much, really, that I wrote a song about it..

[ singing ]

“Now in my younger days, my life was like a haze
I used to drink a lot, and then I smoked some pot.”

Bottle of Whiskey: “She drank and smoked all night, and it was out of sight
And everything was great, but she was only eight.”

Drew et al: “Life has dealt some pretty funky hands to Miss Drew Barrymore.”

Drew Barrymore: “I went to rehab, got on my head straight
But my career was gone, and it was too late.”

British Gent: “Married a British gent, kind of an accident
Found out too late he reeks, divorced him in three weeks.”

Drew et al: “Life has dealt some pretty funky hands to Miss Drew Barrymore.”

Drew Barrymore: “But then suddenly, I was a Double D
I got a movie, called “Poison Ivy”.”

Cheri Oteri: “She went on Letterman, and gave the censors fits
She jumped on Dave’s desk, and flashed her big boobs!”

Drew et al: “Life has dealt some pretty funky hands to Miss Drew Barrymore.”
Carrot: “Then she became a militant, sprout-eating vegetarian
Her Playboy spread was excellent, she’s got a tattoo just above her gam.”

Drew Barrymore: “Now I’m living free, gave drugs the finger
Then me and Adam made “The Wedding Singer”.”

Adam Sandler: “She’s back in movies, back on the A List
It would be so nice-a if you’d-a never been kissed.”

Drew et al: “Life has dealt some pretty funky hands to Miss Drew Barrymore.”

Drew Barrymore: We’ve got an amazing show for you! Garbage is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 16

98p: Drew Barrymore / Garbage

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Nicholas Cage…..Jimmy Fallon
Calista Flockhart…..Drew Barrymore
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to “Celebrity Jeopardy” It’s been an exciting first round. That being said, let’s take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has negative 16,500 dollars.

Sean Connery: Damm you and your daily doubles you brigand! One day it’ll be my turn, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Great. Calista Flockhart, with an amazing negative $58,000. Good job.

Calista Flockhart: [ quietly like all of her lines ] Thank you.

Alex Trebek: And finally, Nicholas Cage is in the lead with $8.

Nicholas Cage: You got lights, you’ve got cameras – bitchin’ technology!

Alex Trebek: I don’t know how anyone could get $8, but better luck to all of you in the next round. It’s time for Double Jeopardy. Let’s take a look at the board. The categories are.. Potent Potables; The Pen is Mightier.. that category is all about quotes from famous authors, so you’ll all probably be more comfortable with our next category..; Shiny Objects; continuing with Opposites; Things you Shouldn’t Put in Your Mouth; What Time is It?; and, finally, Months That Start With Feb. Mr. Cage you’re in the lead, so let’s start with you.

Nicholas Cage: Hmm.. what? Where…

Alex Trebek: Okay, Calista Flockhart, why don’t you pick a category?

Calista Flockhart: Um no.. pass.

Alex Trebek: You’ll pass. Very smart. Mr. Connery, why don’tyou pick?

Sean Connery: Ah! Well met! I’ll take Months That Start With Feb, Trebek.

Alex Trebek: For how much?

Sean Connery: Suprise me, you filthy bastard!

Alex Trebek: Okay, that’s completely unnecessary. Months That Start With Feb for $800. This is the only month that starts with Feb. [ Sean Connery buzzes in ] Mr. Connery?

Sean Connery: Febtober!

Alex Trebek:No. [ Calista Flockhart buzzes in ] Calista Flockhart.

Calista Flockhart: What is.. Febturday?

Alex Trebek: No.

Sean Connery: She said turd!

Alex Trebek: I hate you! The answer was February. That’s the month that starts with Feb. It was last month!

Sean Connery: Aha! A trick question!

Alex Trebek: Yeah, it was a trick question, Mr. Connery. Why don’t you pick a category?

Sean Connery: I’ve got to ask you about the Penis Mightier.

Alex Trebek: What? No. No, no, that is The Pen is Mightier.

Sean Connery: Gussy it up however you want, Trebek. What matters is does it work? Will it really mighty my penis, man?

Alex Trebek: It’s not a product, Mr. Connery.

Sean Connery: Because I’ve ordered devices like that before – wasted a pretty penny, I don’t mind telling you. And if The Penis Mightier works, I’ll order a dozen.

Alex Trebek: It’s not a Penis Mightier, Mr. Connery. There’s no such thing!

Nicholas Cage: Wait, wait, wait.. are you selling Penis Mightiers?

Alex Trebek: No! No, I’m not.

Sean Connery: Well, you’re sitting on a gold mine, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Right, right.. say, let’s move on to Final Jeopardy, that should be a lot of fun. And the category is: The Federalist Papers. Wait, wait, I’m sorry, that’s my bad. That’s for regular “Jeopardy”, which we’ll be taping later today. Your category is: Horsies. All you have to do is tell me “Are Horsies pretty?” [ the Final Jeopardy music starts as the celebrities scribble some answers ] Yes or no, we’ll except either answer. “Are Horsies pretty?”. Keep in mind, there’s no wrong answer. [ music stops, Alex approaches the podiums ] Let’s see what all of you wrote, starting with you, Mr. Cage, and you wrote.. and you’re podium is gone..

Nicholas Cage: I don’t know where it went, I’m confused.

Alex Trebek: You lost you podium? I don’t see.. you know what – I don’t care. Let’s move on. Calista Flockhart.

Calista Flockhart: [ louder than normal ] What? What?

Alex Trebek: Settle down, just relax. You wrote.. nothing. And you wagered.. nothing.

Calista Flockhart: [ in a whisper ] The pen was too heavy.

Alex Trebek: Fair enough. Mr. Connery?

Sean Connery: We meet again.

Alex Trebek: Let’s see your answer.. [ screen reads “Buck” ] Oh, I’m sorry.. that must be you wager. A Buck. And you answer is.. [ screen reads “Futter” ] Futter. Buck Futter, I don’t get it.

Sean Connery: Ohhhh.. I think you do, Trebek. I tThink you do, indeed!

Alex Trebek: Well, thanks for joining us..

Sean Connery: [ yelling ] Buck Futter!!

Alex Trebek: Fine, whatever. That’s it for “Celebrity Jeopardy”.. [ shaking head ] I don’t know..

Submitted by Peter Ray

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 16

98p: Drew Barrymore / Garbage

Goodnights

…..Drew Barrymore

Drew Barrymore: I want to thank Garbage! Whoooooo!! I want to thank my best friend, Edward Norton, for being awesome! and I want to thnak my friends for coming here, and being my family! and I want to thank this cast, and Lorne Michaels for giving me the best night of my life! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 16

98p: Drew Barrymore / Garbage

The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show

Antonio Banderas…..Chris Kattan
Señor Guadalupe Ramirez…..Jimmy Fallon
Guitarist…..Darrell Hammond
Melanie Griffith…..Drew Barrymore

[Fade up to Antonio Banderas sitting on a couch with his mariachi band, which is playing soft music behind him. Fade up “The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show with Antonio Banderas.” Dissolve to closer view of Antonio.]

Antonio Banderas: Hello. I am Antonio…y Banderas! I am…[whispers] actor! Welcome to The…how do you say?…Ah yes. Show. Now say hello to our good friend, and a very sexy man: [music stops momentarily] Señor Guadalupe Ramirez and the Gatos Picantes.

[band plays some notes]

Guadalupe: THANK YOU, MY FRIEND! [laughs]

[band plays two notes]

Antonio: No. Thank you for your continued commitment to the thing called “the sexy.”

Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] NO, NO! YOU! YOU ARE THE SEXY, MY FRIEND! YOU ARE SO THE SEXY, YES!

Antonio: [laughs]…No crap.

Now, I would like to get [soft music resumes] serioso for a lot of moments….My gruest tonight is Melanie Griffith. She is a very married to me. In her, I put my thing and make a little me. [cheers]…Pleases welcome my wife, the Melano, the Griffith.

[The band plays faster music. Antonio stands up. Cheers and applause as Melanie comes in. Antonio kisses her hand. She then leans in for a kiss. The music stops.]

Please, no kissy the face. Not now. For your lips are like two Mexican slugs covered with the mentholatum….But please, make the seat.

[The band plays two notes. Antonio and Melanie sit down as she is brimming with excitement.]

Melanie Griffith: Thanks, sweetie! I love you!

Antonio: [laughs] Yes, you do. Now, question: I am much more the sexy than your former love interest, the “Miami Vice” guy, no?

Melanie: [laughs] Please! You’re way sexier than Don Johnson!

Antonio: And all of a sudden, I don’t mind the lips so much. For now, they are like two sweet Twizzlers coated with penis butter.

Melanie: Mmmm!

Antonio: I mean peanut butter….No I don’t.

Melanie: Mmmm! Mmm…Bambino! You don’t have anything to prove! You’re a very sexy man!

[Antonio and Guadalupe agree]

Antonio: It is getting hot in here, no? Well, I think I’ll just… [stands up; Melanie rises in anticipation]

Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] NO NO! DON’T DO IT! IT’S TOO SEXY, MY FRIEND! TOO SEXY! DON’T DO IT!…NO, PLEASE!

Antonio: But I must! [band plays fast music while he undoes the top button on his shirt]…[we see Melanie, hot and bothered, spreading her top to show her cleavage] OKAY! [music becomes faster] Maybe I should [grabs his zipper] let my little finger come out to make a play for a while? No, I will not do that. [music stops as Melanie is breathing with more anticipation]

Melanie: [aroused] You’re so hot! You want to play [pointing to her cleavage] bunny in the sailor?

Antonio: No talky. Please. I do not like the voice. It is like a slow, painful leak from a little Spanish tire. [Melanie takes her hands away from her chest] So, shh! No words. [Melanie leans in to kiss him] Shh! [whispers] ¡Silencio! Shh! Like that St– Like that door on “Star Trek.” Ch!

Melanie: Bring it on, honey! [leans in to kiss him]

Antonio: And once [turns Melanie’s head away] again, the lips frighten me.

Melanie: I know you’re not crazy about my collagen lips, but…Don never seemed to mind.

Antonio: Don? [band becomes scared] What?! NO! NEVER AGAIN! [Melanie gets aroused again] NEVER [Melanie shows her cleavage again] BRING UP THE MIAMI MAN WITH THE JOHNSON WHO SHOOTS THE COKE DUDES WITH THE BLACK MAN WITH-A NO SOCKS!

Melanie: [aroused] Ohh! Yeah! Yes!…You’re so sexy when you’re angry!

Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] YES, YES, HE TRULY IS THE SEXY, YES! [laughs]

Antonio: [laughs] Yes. And the lips are fine twice again. Even the voice, not so painful. So, I think I’ll just… [stands up]

Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] OH PLEASE, MY FRIEND, ¡NO MÁS! ¡NO MÁS! IT’S TOO SEXY! ¡POR FAVOR! TOO SEXY!

Antonio: But I must! [band starts playing fast music as he unbuttons his shirt] All right! [starts unbuckling his belt] I WILL SHOW YOU THE REASON THAT ADAM AND EVE [Melanie shows her cleavage as he tries to unbutton his pants] GOT KICKED OUT OF THE FARM…

Melanie: [aroused] Ohh!

Antonio: …OF THE EAGLE! IF I CAN GET MY PANTS DOWN! [cheers]…I WILL DIVIDE MY WIFE WITH A FIRM SNAKE, [pulls his pants down] WHO WILL EAT THE APPLE! [louder cheers as we see him wearing black underwear with Zs on it; we also see that his pubic area is unshaved] AND WEEP! [begins to tie his shirt in a knot] AND DOES THE DANCE! AND…

[The music stops as Antonio stops and realizes that he’s not “up.” Melanie, still showing her cleavage for Antonio, wonders why nothing is happening. Antonio motions for more time, then cheers come from the audience as he looks down at his crotch and wonders why he’s not “up.”]

Ooo! [looks down at his crotch again] Ooo!

[After waiting some more, Antonio finally realizes that he’s not going to get an erection.]

And now I’m done.

[The band resumes soft music as Antonio sits back down.]

Melanie: [in sad disappointment] Oh, Antonio! Again? [Antonio pulls his pants up]…I’m gonna go see if my breasts need any work! [leaves]

Antonio: She will be back. For I have the ring on the finger that says I can make the sex, anytime. Anywhere! Even if she says no. For I am Antonio…y Banderas! I am…[whispers] active! I mean, actor. Why I make so many mistakes? What? Well! We will see you next time on The [music stops momentarily]…how do you say? Ah yes….Show!

[music becomes faster while the band circles around the couch and table; fade up title]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 16


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 20th, 1999

Drew Barrymore

Garbage

None

Edward Norton
Academy Awards Pre-ShowSummary: Joan Rivers (Ana Gasteyer) morphs into a demon while bothering celebrities during the Academy Awards Pre-Show.

Recurring Characters: Joan Rivers, John Travolta, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Melissa Rivers.

Montage

Drew Barrymore’s MonologueSummary: Drew Barrymore sings about her wild Hollywood lifestyle over the years.

Also Hosted: 82g, 01c, 03l.

Transcript

Jeopardy!Summary: Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond) competes against Calista Flockhart (Drew Barrymore) and Nicolas Cage (Jimmy Fallon).

Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Sean Connery, Calista Flockhart.

Transcript

Banana RepublicSummary: Sweater folders (Drew Barrymore, Chris Kattan) at the Banana Republic panic when a customer (Horatio Sanz) won’t tell them how he’s doing.

VH1: Behind the MusicSummary: Toni Tennille (Drew Barrymore) and Daryl “The Captain” Dragon (Edward Norton) meekly brag of their musical success.

Recurring Characters: Toni Tennille.

Transcript

The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, ShowSummary: Melanie Griffith (Drew Barrymore) tries to get sexy with her self-interested husband, Antonio Banderas (Chris Kattan).

Note: For the live show, Chris Kattan pasted fake pubic hair to his legs without Lorne Michaels’ knowledge.

Recurring Characters: Antonio Banderas, Señor Guadalupe Ramirez.

Transcript

Fun With Real Audio

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) wants Hillary to run for Senate so he can score a little alone time. Chris Kattan interprets Cher’s new song, “Believe.”

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Garbage performs “Special”Transcript

Dog ShowRecurring Characters: Miss Colleen, David Larry.

VH1: Behind the MusicSummary: A Rick Allen imposter (Chris Parnell) pretends to have only one arm.

Terrence Maddox & LucyRecurring Characters: Terrence Maddox.

Garbage performs “When I Grow Up”

VH1: Behind the MusicSummary: Fred Schneider (Will Ferrell) admits he makes up song titles by matching odd words together.

Recurring Characters: Fred Schneider.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 15

98o: Ray Romano / The Corrs

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
…..Cheri Oteri

Announcer: From the news capitol of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.

In a Newsweek interview, former adviser to the President George Stephanopoulos said that Clinton isn’t fit to be elected, and has “tarnished his Presidency and all of us associated with it.” As the saying goes: George, you’re a day late and very short.

Former Tennessee Governor Lamar Alexander announced this week his second bid for the Republican nomination for President. In a related story, Susan Lucci was nominated for another Emmythis week.

During his trip to Central America this week, President Clinton received a standing ovation from the Salvadoran Left as he spoke to their National Assembly. In his speech he said he hoped that El Salvador would see the U.S. in a “new way, as a partner, a friend, a colleague.” Then he took El Salvador’s hand and placed it on his genitals.

After “Dateline NBC” aired the interview with Jane Doe No. 5, Juanita Broaddrick, President Clinton was asked if he was a rapist. The President told reporters, “It depends what your definition of ‘ist’ is.”

Pope John Paul and Iranian President Mohammed Khatami met at the Vatican this week. Khatami called the meeting “great and pleasant”, and said he “Wouldn’t trade it for all the anthrax in the world.”

Tom Brokaw, appearing on the “Today” show this week, upset viewers and homeless advocates when he said that he envied the extra sleep homeless people get. Brokaw later apologized for the insensitive comment saying he was just bitter because they get all the good shopping carts.

The Senate is holding hearings on deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly, make them think they are going to get a bunch of money but, in reality, they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.”

Colin Quinn: And now, here to discuss Women’s History Month, is our own Cheri Oteri.

Cheri Oteri: Thanks, Col. I’d like to talk about Women’s History Month tonight. And I brought along Fantasy Barbie with me to help illustrate the progress that women’s history made over the last century. Okay, Colin? Now, over by you – that’s going to represent the caveman times [ positions Fantasy Barbie by Colin ], and down here is Total Gender Equality [ positions Fantasy Barbie by her ]. Got me?

Now, in the beginning of the century, things are going well: Susan B. Anthony, Madam Curie, and then.. uh-oh! Amelia Earhart’s going to be the first woman to fly around the world, Col. But, guess what? She gets lost and dies, uh-oh!

Colin Quinn: Maybe that’s why women always want to ask for directions.

Cheri Oteri: [ laughs ] Dont. [ pause ] Alright, now we’re at the 30’s and 40’s: Elenour Roosevelt, Rosie the Riveter.. but then, uh-oh! Here comes Marilyn Monroe, dress flying up around her kooch! And she’s sleeping with the President. So, basically, Marilyn’s saying that in order for women to be sexy, they have to be so confused, they’re almost retarded.

Now, the 60’s: The National Organization for Women is founded, doctors invent the birth control pill, and Twiggy invents anorexia – uh-oh! Now women are free to have sex, but they don’t enjoy it because they think their ass is too fat. Oh, that hits home!

Now, the 70’s and 80’s can be summed up in two words, Col: Jane Fonda. Oh, she made “Barbarella” – that no good! Hey, she’s a political activist, though – that’s better. Uh-oh, she got breast implants – uh-oh! Now she has breasts made out of this stuff – feel it, Col. [ holds Fantast Barbie in front of Colin ]

Colin Quinn: [ declining ] I know what that feels like.

Cheri Oteri: Yeah, I’m sure you do.

Alright, now it’s 1990, and the best author in the world is a woman. Uh-oh! But it’s Danielle Steel. You know it’s a good book, Colin, when the cover is hot pink.

Okay – 1991: Pamela Lee shows up and makes Marilyn Monroe look like Steven Hawking in a dress.

Hey – 1995: Shannon Faulkner is the first woman admitted into the Citadel. Uh-oh! She quits the first week! “I’m going home, this hard!”

1997: Guess what, ladies? Viagra works for men, but not for women. Keep on faking it, Barbie! Okay, which brings us up to today and Monica Lewinsky. Uh-oh! [ thrusts Fantasy Barbie into Colin’s crotch ] And that’s where we’re at, Colin. Now – why don’t you call me anymore?

Colin Quinn: [ confused ] What?

Cheri Oteri: You heard me, Colin. Why don’t you call me anymore?

Colin Quinn: [ fumbling ] Well.. I was gonna call you.

Cheri Oteri: [ mimicking ] “I was gonna call you.” So just call me, Colin.

Colin Quinn: Cheri Oteri, everybody. I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 15

98o: Ray Romano / The Corrs

Sportscenter

Stuart Scott…..Tim Meadows
Chet Harper…..Ray Romano
Director…..Jimmy Fallon

Stuart Scott: Welcome to Sports Center I’m Stuart Scott. And besides me is newcomer to the program, Chet Harper.

Chet Harper: Hey, hey how are you doing Stuart?

Stuart Scott: Chet’s more excited than Dennis Rodman at a Clinique sale…BOOYAH! Got ya partner! Well, the Lakers and the Sonics, at the forum, two of the favorites in ’99.. so, who’s it going to be in Y2K? Well, Shaq weighed in with his opinion – Boo-yah! Boo-yah! Boo-yah! That’s right! Shaq-Daddy with 37 points – he sends an invitation to the Finals party, and it says “B.Y.O.B.”: “Bring Your Own Boo-yah!” The Lakers destroy the Sonics, 114-82. Chet?

Chet Harper: Thank you, Stuart! Latest talk is that David Robinson is over the hill. But in my book, you gotta get to Whitecastle before the weirdos show up! Tonight at the Alamodome, he gets Happy-Go-Jackie on the big white guy like a donkey eating a waffle! Sweet Sassy Molassey! Get out the checkbook and pay grandma for the rubdown as the Spurs beat the Heat, 86-79! Stuart!

Stuart Scott: The New Jersey Nets may be the team of the future, but tonight, against the Knicks, they were the team of.. right about.. now! The Funk Soul brother – Boo-yah! Jayson Williams with 22 rebounds, as the Nets win! Chet!

Chet Harper: Yeah! In action late last night, Sonics vs. Utah, John Stockton says, “Hey, look at me – I’m a little teapot, I’ll run right up your dress!” But then, Olden Polynice says, “I’m not gonna pay a lot for this muffler!” But then Karl Malone says, “Sweet Sassy Molassey! You are gonna pay a lot! And the cost is gonna be prohibitive!” Jazz wins, 99-93! Stu-pot!

Stuart Scott: [ to Chet ] “Sweet Sassy Molassey”?

Chet Harper: Yeah. You like it? Don’t steal it! [ to the camera ] Okay! Penguins need a win against the Bruins to get to the 500 mark. Yes, they do! But Penguin goalie Peter Skudra says, “Hey! Try not to shoot that puck up my pooper!” Yeah! But check out this guy – he says, “I’ll shoot the puck anywhere I want. And if that happens to be in your pooper, so be it!” Stu-mongi!“

Stuart Scott: [ stunned ] We’ll be right back! [ music fades commercial as Stuart looks over at Chet ] Hey, man, what are you doing there?

Chet Harper: [ confused ] What?

Stuart Scott: What was all that stuff about a puck up a guy’s pooper?

Chet Harper: I’m just riffin’, man. That’s all.

Stuart Scott: Just riffin’, huh? Come on, man, this is the Big Leagues, alright? This is Sportscenter. You can’t do that stuff. Alright?

Chet Harper: [ not understanding ] You say “Boo-yah.”

Stuart Scott: Yeah, I do. You just calm it down, alright? Just stick to sports.

Chet Harper: [ understanding ] Alright, I’m sorry. You’re right, you’re right. Sweet Sassy Molassey, you’re right.

Stuart Scott: Yeah, we’ll talk about that one later. [ the music picks up, as the show returns from commercial ] Welcome back! Let’s go to the world of Women’s Tennis, where Anna Kournikova was taking the court against the..

Chet Harper: [ interrupting ] Oh.. she’s hot.. Oh.. I don’t know about you, but my peenie just went: Broomp!

Stuart Scott: [ shocked and appalled ] Alright.. alright, uh.. let’s just skip that one.. Let’s try hockey! The Phoenix Coyotes are having their best year in history, and it’s all due to the play of one Jeremy Roenick! Roenick shoots! He scores..!

Chet Harper: [ finishing ] ..and he celebrates! Like a slave who made it to the North! [singing] Old Man River!

Stuart Scott: You’d better watch what you’re saying, man, alright?..

Chet Harper: [ riffing, holds his hand up for a high-five ] You’d better watch what you’re saying!

Stuart Scott: [ to the camera ] Alright, we’ll be right back. [ show goes to commercial, Stuart turns to Chet ] Alright, look, that’s it. Listen, you’re done, just get out of here, I’ll do the rest of this myself.

Chet Harper: [ confused ] What? Sweet Sassy Molassey, I’m doing my best here.

Stuart Scott: [ mimicking ] Sweet Sassy Molassey.. [ angry ] Get him out of here before he says that again!

[ stagehand grabs Chet ]

Chet Harper: Alright, I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go! But let me just say one thing: I’ve always wanted to be a sportcaster. Your clever metaphors and catchphrases escape me. Like a fat girl waving her trophy from the smell contest. But I want you to listen here! I’m not giving up! Alright? I’ll be back. If it takes me two-hundred years, I’ll be back! Lord Sweet Pappy Johnson with an erection, I will be back!

Stuart Scott: No, you won’t.

Chet Harper: [ defeated ] Yeah, you’re probably right!

[ Stagehand drags Chet out as Stuart completes Sportscenter solo for the evening ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 15

98o: Ray Romano / The Corrs

Ray Romano’s Monologue

…..Ray Romano
…..Peter Boyle
…..Doris Roberts

Ray Romano: Yeah! Oh, boy! Thank you, thank you! Hey there now. Thank you so much! Oh, man, I’m not that good, I don’t think. Let me just say, I can’t tell you what a thrill it is to be hosting Saturday Night Live. I started watching Saturday Night Live as a teenager, right here, of course, in New York City. My hometown, New York City. Yeah. And here I am. Here I am, and now I gotta be funny. First I have to say, let me get this out of the way, I have to say hi to my kids at home. Hi guys! Okay, go to bed! All right, I have a couple of kids at home, I have an eight-year-old daughter, twin six-year-old boys, and a one-year-old boy at home. Yeah, so, uh, oh, thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. You know what, I don’t care if you laugh or not. I’m just happy to be out of the house. Yeah, that is a crazy house. I have to leave my house just to do things. You know what’s hard to do now, just write jokes. I don’t have any time to right jokes, and not only that, but all my comedy is for them now. I try to make them laugh, especially with the new baby. That’s what happens when you have a baby, you become a comedian for him. I can make him laugh. I can make an infant laugh in a split second. I’m losing my perspective on adult humor. That’s what’s happening. I wrote one new joke since my baby was born. Here, is this funny? What do you think of this? (takes out keys and jiggles them in front of audience) Hi! Hi everybody! Yeah! Hey! Hey, guys in the band! (jiggles keys in front of SNL Band) The band loves the jiggling! All right, I’m glad you laughed at that, otherwise I would have had to come and rub my nose in your bellies. Then what? We run late, we gotta cut a sketch, nobody’s happy. But it is a crazy house, especially with twins. I don’t know if there are any parents of twins here tonight, but I think – are there? Are there parents of twins? They’re probably here but they don’t have the energy to clap. (makes sighing noises) They’re crazy! They’re nuts! They’re running all over, you can’t stop them. You ever try to carry one? You ever carry a six-year-old against his will? They all have the same martial art move. You give them a few steps, and then they have the anti-lift slide. Yeah, aw, you can’t stop them. You can’t stop them; you can only try to contain them. They’re cute, though. Twins are cute. I have identical twins, which is very cute. Now, because they’re six… and it doesn’t matter what they look like. It’s cute. When they get older I hope they’re handsome. No, because it’s dangerous, even if they’re slightly ugly. There’s two. There’s two of them. Yeah, you’re gonna notice that. If you see one slightly ugly man walk across the room, that’s no big deal. If you see the same ugliness right behind him, yeah, you’re gonna notice. Hey, look at that. Look at that! Come here! I didn’t think he was that ugly until I saw him again! Ugly! Ugly! Yeah! Yeah, they’re great kids. My wife wanted five kids when we got married…

Peter Boyle: Ah, you’re doing it wrong. You’re doing it wrong. (walks onto the stage with Doris Roberts, audience cheers wildly)

Ray Romano: What are you doing?  What are you doing? What the hell are you doing?

Doris Roberts: Hello, Raymond, honey. We didn’t mean to interrupt.

Peter Boyle: You’re doing it wrong. You don’t do stand-up in the monologue.

Doris Roberts: That’s right. He’s right.

Ray Romano: Listen, thank you. Okay, thank you. Thanks for the advice, but you guys… you guys realize you’re not my real parents.

Peter Boyle: Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? What? You think I don’t know a thing or two about this? I do.

Ray Romano: Okay.

Peter Boyle: Roll the tape!

[show clip of “Dueling Brandos” sketch from when Boyle hosted in 1975]

Peter Boyle: I could have been a contender, I could have been somebody instead of a bum, which is what I am. Let’s face it, Charlie.

John Belushi: I could have been Senator Corleone. Governor Corleone. There wasn’t enough time, Michael.

[back to stage]

Ray Romano: All right, all right. I get it. Yeah, you told me that. You told me that a thousand times. You told me that.

Doris Roberts: All right, wait, I have a tape, too. Go ahead.

[show clip of Roberts in “My Giant”]

Doris Roberts: Sammy! Sammy!

Billy Crystal: Hiya, Mom.

[back to stage]

Ray Romano: What are you – that’s – what are you doing? That’s – that’s… all right, we got a great show!

Doris Roberts: All right, pull yourself together.

Ray Romano: The Corrs are here tonight! Yeah! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Mike S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 15

98o: Ray Romano / The Corrs

Goodnights

…..Ray Romano

Ray Romano: Thank you to The Corrs! Peter Boyle! Doris Roberts! Lorne Michaels! “Saturday Night Live” cast, crew, writers! Everybody in my family! New York! Uh, I gotta go find a new dream! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 15

98o: Ray Romano / The Corrs

Petracelli’s Dreams

Sarge…..Will Ferrell
Preston…..Jimmy Fallon
Petracelli…..Ray Romano
Soldier…..Horatio Sanz
Peterson…..Chris Parnell

[ open on stock war footage ]

[ SUPER: “Somewhere in France 1944” ]

[ dissolve to billowing smoke rising near a foxhole, as gunfire echoes in the background. A soldier plays music on his harmonica. ]

Sarge: Alright, there’s two S.S. units right over the river! And I think I can see a pansar tag camoflauge in that burned-out farm house. Preston, any luck with that radio?

Preston: The radio’s busted. Now get off my back, Sarge!

Sarge: Hey! Don’t you GET it?! We’re gonna DIE unless we get support! There’s NO WAY out of here!!

Petracelli: Hey, lay off him, man!

Soldier: Hey – I know we’re gonna make it out – I can’t think any other way, or I’m gonna go insane!

Peterson: Hey, you know what the first thing I’m gonna do when I get out of here is?

Sarge: What’s that, Peterson?

Peterson: I’m gonna go home to my Mary Ellen, and love her forever. [ kisses her photo ]

Soldier: It sounds like heaven, man.

Preston: I’ll tell you – the first thing I’m gonna do? I’m gonna try out for the Cleveland Indians. Then, I’m gonna hit a home run off of St. Louis in the world Series!

Sarge: I look forward to hearing that on the radio, kid.

[ everyone shows a round of support for his dream ]

Soldier: Hey! I’m gonna open up a restaurant! And I want all you Joe’s to be there opening night! We’ll eat pasta fasul and drink wine ’til the sun comes up!

Preston: That sounds like the greatest night ever!

Petracelli: You know what the first thing I’m gonna do is when I get out of here?

Sarge: What’s that, Petracelli?

Petracelli: Right away – as soon as I get off the plane – I’m gonna enter a nice, refreshing hot dog eating contest, and eat, like, eighty hot dogs in ten minutes. Then, when it’s all over, I’ll vomit up all the hot dogs and be, like, “Whazzup? I just came in third?”

[ the other soldiers are taken aback, but try to be supportive ]

Preston: Huh? Hot dogs are good, I guess.

Petracelli: Then I’m gonna get some pants that are way too tight for me, and a red silk tank top, and I’m gonna cruise around the parks looking for little cute boys.

[ the soldiers are speechless ]

Soldier: Hey, that’s messed up.

Petracelli: Yeah? Well, it’s MY DREAM, man!! So, lay OFF it!! [ pauses ] Then I’m gonna get a nice little house, with a white picket fence.

Peterson: Oh, that sounds like heaven.

Petracelli: I’m gonna kidnap hobos and mess with their heads, so they’ll be my slaves. I’ll have, like, a hobo army of zombies mowing my lawn and making porno films for me. Every American should have the right to a nice house and hobo sex slaves. Isn’t that what we’re fighting the war for?!

[ the other soldiers are stunned ]

Sarge: You’re screwed up, Petracelli.

Petracelli: I’m screwed up with HOPE!! Because we can DO it! We can get OUT of here!

[ a bomb explodes right in front of their foxhole ]

Peterson: That mortar’s drawing a beat on us, Sarge! [ to his photo ] Don’t worry, Mary Ellen! We’re gonna make it! [ kisses the photo again ]

Petracelli: [ bandishing his machine gun ] We gotta get out of here! So I can publish my own coffee table book of men’s dongs! It’ll be real tasteful – you know, just Polaroids of guys pissing at the bus station! Nothing fancy!

Soldier: [ lunges for Petracelli ] You SICK bastard!! Shut the hell up!!

Sarge: [ holds him back ] Easy! Easy! If we turn against each other, we die!

Soldier: He’s a PERVERT!!

Petracelli: Quit judging my dreams, man, I’m JUST like you!! I’m scared of the thoughts of – of getting out of here – uh – keeping me alive! I may die here today, but the thought of forcing a hen to go DOWN on me is keeping me ALIVE!

Soldier: [ tries again to lunge for Petracelli ] SHUT THE HELL UP!!

Sarge: [ holds him back again ] Come on!

[ another bomb goes off in front of them ]

[ cut to stock footage of bombs exploding ]

[ cut back to the foxhole, all the sldiers dead except for Petracelli. He rises as the music sweeps around him and runs off. ]

[ SCROLLING SUPER: [ accompanied by voiceover ] “And so, Private Petracelli survived the skirmish, and he went on to join the U.S. troops for the final charge into Berlin. And when he cornered Hitler in his bunker, he quickly took the fifty bucks Hitler gave him to let him sneak out the back.

How do I know this?

Because my name is Shaun Hitler.

No relation. But man, wouldn’t that have been freaky? And yes, that name has hurt my voice-over career.

A lot.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts