Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 6 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 14th, 1998 Joan Allen Jewel John Goodman None Opposites AttractSummary: Newt Gingrich (Chris Parnell) and President Clinton (Darrell Hammond) will miss the times they’ve shared together, and reflect upon their relationship with a song-and-dance number. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, Bob Livingston. Transcript
Montage
Joan Allen’s MonologueSummary: A Steppenwolf fanatic (Will Ferrell) wants Joan Allen to sing her – their – hit “Magic Carpet Ride”. Bio: Joan Allen (1956-) was nominated for Best Supporting Actress for her performance as Pat Nixon in the 1995 biopic “Nixon.”
The Jenson MintSummary: The fake currency that will put vagrants in their place once and for all. Transcript
Martha Stewart LivingSummary: Martha Stewart (Ana Gasteyer) takes abuse from her overbearing mother (Joan Allen). Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart. Transcript
VH-1 Sprituality AwardsSummary: Celebrities and religious figures come together to dispense the prestigious awards. Recurring Characters: Andy Dick, Maya Angelou, Jesus, Calista Flockhart, Courtney Love, Madonna. Transcript
Suel ForresterSummary: No one can understand a word lawyer Suel Forrestor (Chris Kattan) is saying as he interrogates his client’s (Chris Parnell) witness (John Goodman). Recurring Characters: Suel Forrester. Transcript
Space, The Infinite FrontierSummary: Despite having died recently, Harry Caray (Will Ferrell) continues to host his space program. Recurring Characters: Harry Caray. Transcript
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Resident prescription drug “expert” Colette Reardon (Cheri Oteri) comments on some newly developed side effect-free painkillers she has her eyes on. Recurring Characters: Colette Reardon. Transcript
Learning With Jennifer TillySummary: Joan Allen and French Stewart (Jimmy Fallon) are unwilling guests on Jennifer Tilly’s (Cheri Oteri) talk show. Recurring Characters: French Stewart.
Southern GalsSummary: Southern gals Betty Lynn (Joan Allen), Ginger Lee (Cheri Oteri), Mary Faye (Ana Gasteyer) and Elizabeth (Molly Shannon) enjoy the sights of New York City. Recurring Characters: Ginger Lee, Mary Faye, Elizabeth.
Jewel performs “Down So Long”
Tarmac TalkSummary: Jerry Seinfeld (Jimmy Fallon) endures being a guest on a talk show set on a windy airport tarmac. Recurring Characters: Jerry Seinfeld. Transcript
[Fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio. Colin is holding a sheaf of papers in his hand.]
Colin Quinn: Oh! [chuckles]
Well folks, thank you, this past Tuesday, the American people spoke. The Democrats actually gained seats in Congress, Newt Gingrich has resigned. Things are looking bad for the conservatives. I saw a right-wing extremist holding a sign today that said, “Will hate for food.” Ah….[shocked by lack of reaction] The Republicans screwed up, folks! They pushed the impeachment thing too far, they ignored the polls, they underestimated the minority voters. I haven’t seen anyone misread a room this badly since Bill Clinton whipped it out in front of Paula Jones.
Meanwhile, on the news, the uh, graphics still say “White House in crisis.” They should say “White House laughing their asses off.” Clinton’s amazing. He’s gone from “Slick Willie” to “I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks onto you.”
The Republicans finally realized this thing has been dragging on too long, so now Clinton has only one final hurdle: Henry Hyde’s 81 questions. I have them right here. Okay? [starts looking at the papers] Like question 41, which says, it’s the 13th part, and it says, “As to each, do you admit or deny that you gave the following gifts to Monica Lewinsky at any time in the past: a pin of the New York City skyline?” Is this guy a hillbilly, or what?…”A large Rockettes blanket?” Another airport gift. “An Annie Lennox compact CD?” That must’ve been like, “Oh Bill, you’re so with it!”…”A box of cherry chocolates?” You know that evidence was destroyed….I mean…[some cheers] the guy has got – the guy’s got class! It sounds like the gift pack they give you after you appear on “The Jerry Springer Show.”
[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin: Thank you, folks! Hello! I’m Colin Quinn.
John Glenn and the crew of the Space Shuttle Discovery returned to Earth safely today. Now that Glenn is home, NASA plans to spend Sunday airing out the shuttle, trying to get rid of that old-person smell. [some groans]…Come on! His good times are over! It’s time to get him!
Newly discovered descendants of Thomas Jefferson and his slave, Sally Hemmings, want to be buried in the family plot at Monticello. For many, the cemetery holds the first clue to Jefferson’s affair, since the inscription on his tombstone reads, “Once ye go black, ye never go back.”
New York’s Museum of Modern Art removed two paintings by Van Gogh because they were no longer considered modern. [photo of Newt Gingrich] [secretly] There’s a lot of that goin’ around! [little reaction]…Remember two minutes ago?
Folks, the FBI, folks. The FBI. The FBI is searching for whoever sent letters to eight abortion clinics, threatening to gas them with anthrax. Authorities think it’s people who are either anti-abortion or very, very, very pro-anthrax.
Hoping to create a tone of conciliation and understanding, demonstrators in Iran marked the 19th anniversary of the seizure of the American Embassy by inviting all the former hostages to come back and be guests. [laughter]…You know? That’s true. In a related story, former hostage Terry Waite finally worked up the courage to walk past a falafel stand.
The federal government has put out rewards for information leading to the arrest of Osama Bin Laden and his top henchman, Mohammed Atef. They’ll bring in five million apiece, or a total of 12.8 if you nab them while they’re killing Salman Rushdie….Five million dollars for a– Folks, it’s getting out of hand. Mark my words, if this keeps up, the U.N. will…be forced to create a terrorist salary cap. [chuckles mockingly] Aah, folks. [laughs]
In Bangladesh, feminist author Taslima Nasrin has disappeared. Authorities say Muslim extremists issued death threats against her for her opinions. Here’s a sample of her feminist writings: [cut to graphic with the quote] “I think when our husbands beat us, it should be done so as not to interfere with our goat-milking…I mean c’mon, it’s the 90s.” [cut to Colin; some applause]
Der Spiegel, folks. The German news magazine, Der Spiegel, defended its right to use a picture of Adolf Hitler to advertise a series about the 20th century. This could open the door for other advertisers. [doctored photo of Adolf Hitler with a milk mustache, with “Got milk?” at the bottom]
Dr. Laura Schlessinger lost her court battle to prevent 20-year-old nude pictures of her from being posted on the Internet. See, this is a terrible, terrible thing, folks. Every time some celebrity is embarrassed by old nude photos coming out, it makes it harder for us to get our girlfriends to pose naked.
Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman won a substantial settlement from a London tabloid that claimed their marriage was a sham, and that Cruise is gay. Cruise scampered off with the money, and blew it on shoes. [cheers and applause]
In Tony Bennett’s new memoir, The Good Life, he reveals he had a severe cocaine habit in the ’70s. About the same time he bought his current wig. [some boos]…Come on, nobody ever says anything bad about Tony Bennett. Don’t you think it’s about time he got nailed, too?…Just because?
Patrizia Reggiani Martinelli, folks. The ex-wife of Italian fashion heir Mauricio Gucci, was convicted of ordering her husband’s murder, and was sentenced to 29 years in prison. Most agree this is a tremendous price to pay for a Gucci knock-off. [cheers and applause]…Grazi! [acts Italian while accepting response]
The hot new movie in theaters this weekend is the story of Kenneth Starr’s future with the Republican party, The Waterboy.
Now, here to take a look at what’s happening in the world of entertainment, we’re proud to welcome back “The Hollywood Minute” with our very own David Spade.
[pan over to David]
David Spade: All right! [Colin laughs] Thanks, Colin. Funny Update.
Colin: [chuckles] Thanks!
David: [laughs] I mean that, for real. All right. I, uh…but Colin! I have something to say to you. I –
Colin: Oh.
David: I’m not going to be doing “The Hollywood Minute” tonight…
Colin: [becomes disappointed] Oh–
David: …unfortunately.
Colin: Spade! What are you talking about?
David: It’s just…uh, I haven’t done it in a while…and it’s not really my thing anymore. I can’t…make fun of other celebrities. [reveals a David Spade puppet on his right hand] But he can! [cheers] [laughs] Okay, here we go…
[David uses a high-pitched, scratchy voice for his puppet]
David puppet: Ally McBeal! Maybe it’s time for you to try an Ally McMeal! [cheers and applause]
David: Hey, that’s – that’s not very nice. She looks good.
David puppet: Ted Danson has a new series, “Becker,” in which he plays a doctor. Script! Ratings! Eeeee! We lost him!
David: Come on, Ted Danson…he was – he was good on “Cheers.”
David puppet: Shut up! I got the floor!
Hi! I’m Alanis Morissette! I got the number one selling album! I’m the most popular singer in America! Hmm…what else do my fans want? Oh, yeah! A nude video showcasing my monster buttocks! [Colin laughs; cheers and applause]
Colin: He’s a bad boy!
David: He’s…rough!…Not…nice….Even for a puppet, that’s a little…
David puppet: Bobby Brown…shh! Bobby Brown recently spent five days in jail; two for drunk driving and three for his new album!
David: That was a pretty good one.
David puppet: Jason Priestley is leaving “Beverly Hills 90210” because he says…he says he wants to pursue a movie career. Jason can soon be seen on his new series, “Sacramento 93270.” [some applause]…See, because he doesn’t live in–
David: I get it. They don’t care.
Hey, Eddie Murphy, now I have to say that he was really funny in Dr. Dolittle.
David puppet: Yeah, but did you see Holy Man? Holy crap!…I guess you were wrong!
David: Hey, don’t say that! We’re friends now.
David puppet: That’s not what I heard!
David: Hi! I’m John– wait…
David puppet: Hi! I’m…[cheers and applause at David’s goof-up]
David: [laughs] I was doing good!
David puppet: Hi, I’m John Mellencamp’s wife! I used to be a Victoria’s Secret model! Now I spend my days in Seymour, Indiana milkin’ cows and gettin’ kicked in the face by horses! I could be at Skybar right now gettin’ hit on by Leonardo DiCaprio. Instead, I’m in Indiana attending the cu…the corn – corn-on-the-cob festival!
David: You got that one, buddy?…Is that joke still under construction? Should I put a hard hat on, throw down some flares? Okay.
David puppet: You are…[gradually quieter] you’re very humorous.
David: Was that your comeback? That sucks.
David puppet: Yeah, well…
David: You havin’ a little trouble with the cards there, buddy?
[cut to cue card guy Wally Feresten holding up tiny cue cards; cheers and applause, then cut to David and his puppet; David squints briefly at the cue cards then gets slapped in the face by his puppet]
David puppet: Where was I?
David: Maybe you should quit while you’re sucking.
David puppet: Speaking of sucking, I saw you on “Just Shoot Me.” [Colin chuckles]
David: All right, easy. You know, he’s getting his bearings back. We better get him out of here. Quinn! Come in here and say goodnight.
[Colin shows a Colin Quinn puppet on his left hand; the puppet has Colin’s regular voice]
Colin puppet: David Spade, everybody!
David: Yaaay!
Colin: I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!
Friend: Hey, I think the strippers are here! Bring on the strippers!
[ everyone cheers, as Shane the chaperone enters the room ]
Shane: Alright! Cool your jets! I’m the chaperone, my name’s Shane, and I’m gonna lay down some rules before I bring out the talent, what’s up?
Voice: Screw you!
[ everyone cheers the defiance ]
Shane: I know, right? Okay, alright, now, before we bring Crystal and Amethyste out here, I gotta give you the 4-1-1 on the do’s and dont’s of dealing with these beautfil ladies. Numero Uno: There’s no squeezing the melons.
Guys: Boo!! Boo!! Boo!!
Shane: Hey! Easy! I come in peace.
Buddy: I want a piece!
Shane: I hear ya, brother! L&C – loud and clear. But my hands are tied. Okay, Rule #2: You can check under the hood, but no checking the oil.
[ everyone cheers in excitement ]
Shane: Hey! Come on! I heard that.
Friend: Hey, bring out the whores!
Shane: Hey, hey, hey! Let’s get one thing, straight, okay? These are ladies. And they shall be treated thusly, with respect and dignity. Having said that, for an additional $4 you can lick qhipped cream off their ass.
[ everyone cheers in excitement ]
Friend: Hey, bring out the sluts!
Shane: Hey, hold on there, friend! Somebody wasn’t listening! These women are a class act, you got that? Not like you. Okay, fo an extra fiver she’ll do the Batman on your face. Tips are appreciated.
[ everyone cheers in excitement ]
Buddy: Yeah!! We’re gonna score-re!!
Shane: Hold the phone, pardner! What, are you a little slow? I told you, these are eleganyt ladies. They’re trained performers. Did you get that? Do I gotta stop again? Now, for $7.50, they will fondle your privates, but you will not fondle theirs. Unless you work that out with the artiste herself.
Friend: Can I shave her biscuit?
Shane: You sure can, buddy! [ everyone cheers ] If you got a Thomas Jefferson in your hand, and you introduce those two.. I’ll throw in a micro-trap.
Buddy: Yes!! Let’s.. get it.. on!!
Shane: I don’t believe this guy! Sir! Please! I must stress again: these are ladies, and you treat them like you treat your own sister. You got that? Now, after you pop your cork across her chest, you may purchase a Kleenex for $2 per sheet!
Friend: Hey! Can I use a sock?
Shane: I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that! Alright? And yes, you can.
[ everyone cheers ]
Buddy: Yeah!! Bring on the meat!!
Shane: Don’t make me whip out my nunchuks! [ pulls up his sleeve ] You wanna get one on the trifecta! Ol’ Shano gets in three fights a week!
Friend: Yeah, and you lose three fights a week!
[ everyone laughs ]
Shane: Hey! Smartie! I’m about to lose another one, huh! Yeah! Checkmate!
[ the strippers enter the room, as the guys go crazy. Shane tries to stay and enjoy the fun, but he’s quickly shoved out the door as the scene fades ]
[ dissolve to interior, psychiatrist’s office, close-up of David Spade lying on the couch ]
David Spade: Doctor, I appreciate you seeing me on such short notice. It’s been really weird coming back to the show this week. I mean, it’s fun, but it’s different.. People keep getting mad at me because I can’t remember everyone’s name.. like that Jim Meadows guy.
Therapist: You mean, Tim Meadows.
David Spade: Are you sure? Black guy?
Therapist: That’s right.
David Spade: Oh. When I try to talk about the “good old days” with Rock and Sandler and Farley, everyone just rolls their eyes, bored. I think the biggest probelem is that I’m extra-famous now, and it bothers people.
Therapist: Hmm..
David Spade: And the second problem is, I’m on a hit show.
[ camera pans up to reveal Brad Pitt as the psychiatrist ]
Therapist: Mmm-hmm.. And is it really a hit show?
David Spade: Well, yeah..
Therapist: Like “Friends”?
David Spade: Well, no.. but that’s on Thursdays. It’s.. it’s complicated.
Therapist: Okay. I’m sorry, continue, please.
David Spade: [ shakes head ] You don’t understand.. You know how many people saw “Tommy Boy”? It’s what known as a “worldwide” hit. I’m an “international” superstar. It’s different.
Therapist: I think I understand.
David Spade: No, you don’t! It’s like jail. It cripples my travel plans – I’m like a sideshow, some sort of freak! I’m huge in Finland. I can’t step foot in Peru – I want to, but I can’t.
Therapist: So, being in a show business environment is kind of a.. safe place for you, isn’t it?
David Spade: I wish. I’m even getting too big for that. Like, a few nights ago, I went to see the world premiere of this movie “Meet Joe Black”.. cameras flashing, paparazzi everywhere.. How many pictures do you need?!! I curse the paparazzi! I curse the tabloids! Ohhh..
Therapist: Oh. So you find yourself in the tabloids a lot?
David Spade: No, not yet. But I feel it coming, any day now..
Therapist: Well, we’re about out of time.. uh.. [ looks at his pad ] ..David. Is there anything else?
David Spade: Yeah. I’m a sex symbol now.. It’s very uncomfortable, it’s really a curse. Every week, I’m with a different supermodel.
Therapist: Word on the street is, you’re not really into chicks.
David Spade: [ concerned ] What’s that? What street?
Therapist: Okay! Time’s up.
David Spade: Okay. Tha- [ looks at Brad closely ] You know who you look like?
Therapist: You?
David Spade: Yeah!
Therapist: Yeah.. yeah. I hear that a lot..
David Spade: Do you? Must be flattering!
Therapist: Oh, yes..
David Spade: So, anyhoo, what’d you write down there, anything I need to know?
Therapist: Just this.. [ reads ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Announcer: A fine automobile is something to be admired – even adored. It’s an extension of you. You love your car so much, you want to share your most intimate moments with it. Well, now you can. Introducing the Mercury Mistress, the world’s first car that you can actually have sex with.
[ show pixellated area behind the license plate ]
Rich, leather interior, and fully digital luxury on the inside, while a sturdy alloy frame ensures a smooth ride and top performance on the road, and excellent handling, even in the most severe weather.
The Mercury Mistress is such a fine automobile, it’s sure to attract plenty of unwanted admirers. [ a perverted man sneaks up to the rear of the car, and unzips his pants as the alarm goes off and frightens him ] That’s why the Mercury Mistress comes with a factory-equipped security system, to assure your car will always be faithful to you, and only you.
The Mercury Mistress. When this car’s a-rockin’, don’t come knockin’.
Mack North…..Will Ferrell Fred Peete…..Chris Parnell
Announcer: Fred Peete lost the election to Mack North, but Mack has got more to say about Fred Peete.
Mack North: What are you running from, Fred? A little thing called the truth? You’re afraid people might find out you’re an idiot? I think the word is out!
Announcer: Fred Peete won’t respond to the most recent charges. Why? He says the election is “over”. He says Mack North is “wasting money”. He says he’s “out of money”. Yet, Fred Peete’s kids go to private school, and Fred Peete goes to a chiropractor.
Mack North: A chiropractor? No money? Yeah, right. What about the facts? Like the fact that you lost! Like the fact that you’re kids are that extra kind of chubby that you just know they’re gonna grow up fat! Stop trying to hide behind the Red Cross, Fred Peete!
[ Mack North harasses Fred Peete in the parking lot of Target ]
Mack North: Hey, Mr. Red Cross, why won’t you debate me, huh! You loser! And don’t tell me, “Because the election’s over!” [ takes Fred’s car keys ]
Fred Peete: Look, will you please leave me and my family alone! you are a sick man!
Mack North: Yeah, I am sick! I’m sick of losers like you, Fred Peete!
Fred Peete: Will you please give me my keys back..?
Mack North: [ taunting Fred further ] You want you keys? Get your keys! Huh! Get your keys! Get your keys, you little ass!
[ Fred manages to get his keys and jumps into his van, crying ]
Mack North: Oh, you can drive an Aerostar, but you don’t have enough money for commercials, huh? Is that what it is?! Hey, you are a loser! You lost big-time, Fred! You lost! Your little tubby kid –
[ Fred drives off in a hurry ]
Mack North: [ to his camera crew ] Let’s get him! Let’s get him!
Announcer: Last Tuesday, the people made their decision loud andclear: Mack North beat Fred Peete in the 6th District race by 8%. FredPeete was the loser, and he will continue to be a loser.
Mack North: Hey, Fred – I won, and you lost. Boy, does that feel good!
Announcer: Fred Peete has returned to his position as Chairman of the Red Cross. But when a tornado hits your home, do you want to rely on a loser like Fred Peete for food and shelter? Mack North thinks not.
Mack North: After he lost the election, I heard he cried with his pastor. [ laughs ] Cried with his pastor?! Meet Fred Peete, professional loser. Hey, you ate it. Now, eat me!
Announcer: You lost the election Fred Peete. Now Mack North says, “Eat Me!”
Lawrence Greekmont…..Will Ferrell Paula Only…..Ana Gasteyer Patrick Jexson…..David Spade
Announcer: Now it’s time for “Accruing Equity and Making Hot, Sweet Love”, with your host, Lawrence Greekmont.
Lawrence Greekmont: Hello, and welcome to another edition of “Accruing Equity and Making Hot, Sweet Love”. I’m Lawrence Greekmont. With me today, from Stein, Young & Rowe, is Patrick Jexson.
Patrick Jexson: It’s a pleasure to be here.
Lawrence Greekmont: And, from the Vanguard Group, Paula Only.
Paula Only: Hello, Lawrence. It’s been quite a day on the market.
Lawrence Greekmont: It certainly has. The Dow shot up 120, while the NASDAQ fell off 4 1/2 in heavy trading.. but, first, let’s talk about love making.
[ regular studio lights go low, as red mood lighting rises ]
Last night, I.. was with my night companion, Heather. We slowly stripped for each other.. and then I went around back for some smiles. Pools of sweat on her back.. mouth agape, wordless in pleasure.. the subtle aroma of peaches.. our own language of moans.. breathy grunts.. Yeah! Yeah! Yea-ea-eah..
[ regular studio lights return ]
Paula, how’s the National Index? Has the projected IMF bailout of Korea affected trading?
Paula Only: Well, absolutely. You know, the renewed advisory capacity of the IMF has created very, very optimistic overseas trading?
Lawrence Greekmont: What about steamy lovemaking? Have you done any lately?
Paula Only: Oh, yeah. I’ve done some.
[ regular studio lights go low, as red mood lighting rises ]
My doorman is always giving me looks. He’s an Alec Baldwin type, except with long sideburns and a dead eye. Last Monday, we found ourselves locked together in a Chinese retin sex swing, gently dangling over a zebra pelt. Tangled limbs.. clenched hands.. pain and pleasure mixing into an erotic goulash of pain and fluid.. two moist, muscular adults.. every flick of the tongue designed to make the other groan.. just groan.. groan.. [ makes prgasmic sound ]
[ regular studio lights return, as Patrick Jexson draws closer to Paula, pushed away by Lawrence ]
Lawrence Greekmont: Patrick, we’ll turn to you now.
Patrick Jexson: Yes!
Lawrence Greekmont: Uh.. there’s been some rumblings that Greenspan will lower interest rates on the 17th. Will that create any real growth?
Patrick Jexson: Well, a spike created by the adjustment wouldn’t affect our “long-term” strategies. I think last week’s reported 3% growth in our national economy is much more substantial.
Lawrence Greekmont: Now, you were bullish on Allied, even after the –
Patrick Jexson: [ getting down to business ] Yes.. her name was Mindy..
[ regular studio lights go low, as red mood lighting rises ]
I met her at Wendy’s.. with the pick-up line, “Hey, Mindy. You’re name kinda rhymes with this place.” Immediately, she wanted to get it on in the bathroom. But I got too much class for that. So we climbed up on a roof.. I pulled down my underpants seductively.. I pointed to my peepee.. and I said, “Do stuff to this.” Then, a couple of security guards climbed up and told us to beat it. I decided to get coy. I said, “Why don’t you beat this?” That’s when one of them tasered my nads. I have to admit, I kinda leaned into it.
[ regular studio lights return ]
Lawrence Greekmont: [ disturbed ] Alright, uh.. you know, why don’t we look at, uh.. this week’s most active stocks..
[ regular studio lights go low again, as red mood lighting rises ]
Patrick Jexson: [ continuing ] When I felt that electric charge go through my private particulars, I though, “Me likee.” Then, things got pretty awesome. It was me, Mindy, two security guards, in a romantic four-way on a roof of a Wendy’s, and, oh, it was a killer. It’s a week later, and I still smell like a single cheese with no onions.. and Aquavelva. Oh, yeah! [ moans orgasmically and leans over to Lawrence and Paula, who cower away in fear ]
[ regular studio lights return ]
Lawrence Greekmont: Okay, we’re out of time. Join us next week, we’ll tell you how Greenspan’s announcements affects the market. And I’ll tell you about my encounter with an anonymous hand in a bathroom stall.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Appreciate it, don’t have time for it. What’s your question?
Cedric V/O: Oh. Well, my new wife’s parents –
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: New wife? Hmm. New wife. What happened to the old wife, huh? Do we just sort of trade her in for a new model when she started making a knocking sound?
Cedric V/O: Well.. actually.. she died. But my new in-laws are-
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Hmm.. I guess we’re only concerned with the new wife’s parents. I guess when old wifey died, the rest of the family just went down with the ship! What’s your question?
Cedric V/O: Um.. I was wondering if I should-
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: No, no. Wonder is a brand of bread. Don’t wonder. Ask.
Cedric V/O: But, uh..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Butts are found in ashtrays, and on your new trophy wife. What is the question?
Cedric V/O: I know, I know.. I..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: No! “No” is something you should have said before you murdered your wife and ran off with your babysitter!
Cedric V/O: Uh.. uh..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Uh, uh, uh. Question would be nice. Thank you very much for wasting my time. Nice world, huh? [ snickers ] I’m Dr. Laura. Janine, welcome to the program.
Janine V/O: [ emotional from the start ] Hi, Dr. Laura. I’m a little nervous.. this is.. this is very hard for me to talk about..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Janine, this is only a four-hour show. What is your question?
Janine V/O: Oh. Um.. well.. I have four children, and I’m a single mom. My ex-husband won’t leave us alone. I mean, he comes around drunk all the time.. he.. he upsets the kids.. I’m just tired of being treated badly..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Wow.. that sounds difficult. Do you have a job, Janine?
Janine V/O: Uh.. n-no.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Can I suggest one? How about catering your own pity party? Boo-hoo and diddly-do! The father of your children, drunk or sober, has the right to visit his kids any time he jolly well pleases, until the day he dies!
Janine V/O: [ angered ] But, Dr. Laura!
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Janine, Janine.. you are trapped, alright? You have dug your own grave and buried yourself under eight feet of dirt!
Janine V/O: You don’t understand!
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: You are stuck, my dear! You have sealed yourself alive in a pine coffin, where you will surely suffocate!
Janine V/O: [ desperately ] Please stop!
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: No, no, face it! Your choice is.. your choice is, Janine, the only thing you have to look forward to is the sweet release of death!
[ a gun shot is heard over the phone ]
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: For the parents out there who take their commitments seriously, you may know today is Take Your Child to Work Day. And since I am my kid’s mom, here’s my kid, Derek.
[ Derek stumbles into the control booth ]
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Hi, sweetie! Gonna help Momma with the sickos?
Derek: [ sniffs the microphone ] This microphone stinks like Rocky.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Momma had some lunch. Momma had some lunch. Alright, come on, push a button, let’s do it. I’m Dr. Laura, and who are you, Derek?
Derek: I’m my mom’s kid!
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: [ snickers ] Kendall. What’s your question?
Kendall V/O: Uh, hi, Dr. Laura. I have a moral dilemma. I work for an Internet Service Provider –
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: No, Kendall. I would say if you work for an Internet, you are a moral dilemma, my friend.
Derek: Ha ha ha. Mommy said the information highway is filled with.. godless truck stop whores!
Kendall V/O: Well, your mom must be one of them, because I just went online and ordered up photos of her steamed crab special.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: [ stunned ] No, no.. that’s alright. I would like to address those pictures of mre I would like to take this moment to apologize to all my listeners, for arousing this smut-driven pervert with pictures of my stunningly beautiful, twenty-eight year-old form! Shame on you, caller!
Kendall V/O: Well, shame on you, Dr. Laura. Because I downloaded your picture, and FYI, your bony little rack makes a great screensaver!
Derek: Ha ha ha! Mommy.. made.. dirty pictures of.. her and.. uh.. beaver..
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Derek, inside voice. Inside voice.
Derek: I’m hungry, I have the farts.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Go eat your Lunchables in the limo with Constantina. Mommy’s gonna put a trace on that last bastard. I’m Dr. Laura, now go take on the day!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 5 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 7th, 1998 David Spade Eagle-Eye Cherry None Brad Pitt Chris Rock David Spade’s Therapy SessionSummary: Prior to coming back to Studio 8-H to host “Saturday Night Live,” David Spade outlines his fear of success to his therapist, Brad Pitt. Transcript
Montage
David Spade’s MonologueSummary: David Spade jokes about about the suspects on “COPS” and a drunken encounter with polar bears at the zoo. Also Hosted: 04n.
Mercury MistressSummary: The luxury car that drivers can have sex with. Transcript
Monica’s InterviewersRecurring Characters: Monica Lewinsky, Barbara Walters, Larry Flynt, Diane Sawyer, Phil Donahue, Howard Stern, Oprah Winfrey.
Mack North ISummary: After beating his opponent Fred Peete in the 6th District race by 8%, Mack North (Will Ferrell) gloats of his victory in a post-election attack ad. Transcript
Accruing Equity & Making Hot, Sweet LoveSummary: Lawrence Greekmont (Will Ferrell) and his guest panelists will discuss the day’s financial news after they get down to the real business – talking about making sweet love. Transcript
Mack North IISummary: In his second post-election attack ad, Mack North (Will Ferrell) harrasses loser Fred Peete (Chris Parnell) in a Target parking lot. Transcript
The Sensitive Drill Sergeant
Mango & KiwiRecurring Characters: Mango, Harvey.
Mack North IIISummary: In his final post-election attack ad, Mack North (Will Ferrell) mocks loser Fred Peete with a face mask.
Happy Birthday, GrandmaSummary: A dad (Wil Ferrell) forces his three kids to sing “Happy Birthday” over the phone to Grandma, and they’d better not screw up and make him look like an ass.
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: David Spade returns to the Update desk to deliver a Hollywood Minute, with a little help from a David Spade hand puppet. Transcript
Eagle-Eye Cherry performs “Save Tonight”
“Felicity” Shoot
Dr. LauraSummary: Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Ana Gasteyer) berates her callers on Take Your Child to Work Day. Transcript
Bachelor PartySummary: Shane the Chaperone (David Spade) outlines the ground rules to a group of guys attending a bachelor party. Transcript
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Air Date:
Opposites AttractSummary: Newt Gingrich (Chris Parnell) and President Clinton (Darrell Hammond) will miss the times they’ve shared together, and reflect upon their relationship with a song-and-dance number.
