SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 9


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 13th, 1997

Helen Hunt

Hanson

None

Jack Nicholson

Todd Hundley

Scott Rolen

Mark Wohlers

Marty Cordova

Jeff Fassero

Gregg Jefferies

Mark Grudzielanek

Rondell White

Todd Zeile

Russ Davis

Cliff Floyd

David Howard

Mike Sweeney

Gerald Williams
Christmas Caroling with The CulpsSummary: Marty (Will Ferrell) and Bobbie Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) go Christmas caroling with Senor Franklin (Tim Meadows) and Connie Davenport (Helen Hunt).

Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp, Senor Franklin.

Transcript

Montage

Helen Hunt’s MonologueSummary: The cast inundates Helen Hunt with their poor Jack Nicholson impressions, until Nicholson himself appears to tell them “the truth” about their impressions.

First Hosted: 93p.

Transcript

Cookie Dough SportSummary: Cookie dough right when you need it most.

Note: Repeat from 97b.

Delicious DishSummary: Margaret Jo McCullen (Ana Gasteyer) and Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon) mistakenly think themselves drunk while drinking egg nog, then welcome gingerbread expert Gertrude Mintz (Helen Hunt) to the show.

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Teri Rialto.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s “Fun With Real Audio”, Jesus struggles to find a modern-day example of good will during Christmas.

The Ladies ManSummary: Ladies Man Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) prepares to enjoy the holidays with Charlene (Helen Hunt).

Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.

Transcript

Baseball DreamsSummary: Debauchorous baseball players Todd Hundley, Scott Rolen, Mark Wohlers, Marty Cordova, Jeff Fassero, Gregg Jefferies, Mark Grudzielanek, Rondell White, Todd Zeile, Russ Davis, Cliff Floyd, David Howard, Mike Sweeney, and Gerald Williams pop out of a young boy’s (Chris Kattan) bedroom closet to inspire him to pursue his dream of becoming a ballplayer.

Recurring Characters: Ted Brogan.

Transcript

Hanson performs “MMMBop”Bio: Oklahoma pop-rock band; members: Clarke Isaac Hanson, Jordan Taylor Hanson, Zachary Walker Hanson.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Drunken Colin Quinn gets sidetracked and angered by Norm MacDonald during his commentary on the International Monetary Fund.

Note: This is Norm MacDonald’s final appearance as a Weekend Update anchor.

Transcript

The Roxbury GuysSummary: Roxbury Guys, Steve (Will Ferrell) and Doug Butabi (Chris Kattan) visit a counselor (Helen Hunt) after striking out at their favorite nightclub.

Recurring Characters: Steve Butabi, Doug Butabi.

Transcript

Joan Rivers’ 1997 Fashion Wrap-UpSummary: Skeletal Joan Rivers, Melissa Rivers (Cheri Oteri), Issac Mizrahi (Darrell Hammond) and Jodie Foster (Helen Hunt) rate the year’s worst celebrity fashions.

Recurring Characters: Melissa Rivers, Issac Mizrahi, Jodie Foster.

Transcript

A Burt Reynolds ChristmasSummary: Burt Reynolds’ (Norm MacDonald) Christmas special features Jerry Reed (Will Ferrell) and lots of loose hijinks.

Recurring Characters: Burt Reynolds, Jerry Reed.

Transcript

A Message From Bill GatesSummary: Lonely computer mogul Bill Gates (Chris Kattan) announces the recent merger between Microsoft and Christmas.

Recurring Characters: Bill Gates, Bill Clinton.

Torturing HansonSummary: Seeking revenge on the Hanson Brothers, a pair of torturers (Helen Hunt, Will Ferrell) trap them in an elevator and force them to listen to their own music.

Transcript

Hanson performs “Merry Christmas, Baby”

GoodnightsNote: Helen Hunt and the cast and crew wave good night from the Rockefeller Center skating rink.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Well Babies Tragedy

Brian Williams…..Will Ferrell
Diane Carbonal…..Ana Gasteyer
Bobbie McCaughey…..Molly Shannon
Kenny McCaughey…..Jim Breuer
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Baby Jessica…..Cheri Oteri
Geraldo Rivera…..Chris Kattan

[ Brian Williams and NBC News interrupt a broadcast of “Jenny” for an important news announcement: ]

Brian Williams: An amazing development, just a few hours ago, in the miraculous story of the McCaughey Septuplets, the first septuplets on record. It appears that the Septuplets have now incredibly become trapped in a well. I repeat, all seven McCaughey babies are now trapped in a well.

[ GRAPHIC: WELL BABIES TRAGEDY. SOUND: water splashing, babies crying. ]

Brian Williams: For more information on what may be the biggest – and coolest – news story ever, we go now to Diane Carbonal with our local NBC affiliate in Des Moines.

Diane: Thank you, Brian. The news that the seven McCaughey babies have fallen into a well came as a shock to all of us. I, myself, exclaimed, “What? You mean those seven babies are stuck in a well? Jackpot!” Now, here to comment, are Kenny and Bobbie McCaughey themselves. [ Kenny and Bobbie step forward ] Mrs. McCaughey, what happened this evening?

Bobbie McCaughey: Well, Kenny and I decided that the babies had been cooped up long enough, so we decided to take a walk. And then, as any mother does, I set my babies on the edge of a well for safe keeping.

Kenny McCaughey: Then, I heard seven splashes. And I said, “No! No! No! No! No! No! No!”

Diane: Any words for the billions of people watching and praying with you?

Kenny McCaughey: Well, we’d like to thank Preston Ropes for their donation of rope.

Diane: A showering of support in this tragic, highly newsworthy, hour. Back to you, Brian.

Brian Williams: I’m Brian Williams, and I’m giving you all the news on the Well Babies Tragedy.

[ GRAPHIC: WELL BABIES TRAGEDY. SOUND: water splashing, babies crying. ]

Brian Williams: God, I love that graphic! Wait.. uh.. I’ve just been told that President Clinton is about to make a statement on the situation. Let’s go now, live, to Washington.

President Bill Clinton: [ Before podium in Washington ] Uh.. I am in favor of, uh, rescuing the babies. Thank you. [ He leaves podium ]

Brian Williams: There you have it – a strong endorsement from President Clinton in this time of crisis. Now back to you, Diane Carbonal, in Des Moines.

Diane: Brian, I’ve just been told that the Hostess company has donated a pack of Twinkies that they’ve thrown into the well for the babies to eat. I’ve also been told that Midas Muffler has begun lowering dozens of mufflers into the well for no apparent reason. Joining me now is an expert on being trapped in a well. You may remember her 1987 ordeal. Baby Jessica.

Baby Jessica: [ Smoking hard on cigarette ] Call me “Pre-Teen” Jessica.

Diane: Jessica, it was ten years ago that you yourself were trapped in a well. Can you offer any advice to the septuplets?

Baby Jessica: First off, don’t lose your cool. You’re in a well, so deal with it. Okay, secondly, when you get out, finish school! You can only ride the well thing for so long.

Diane: Thank you, Jessica. [ Jessica runs off, the sound of helicopters can be heard ] Brian, there appears to be a helicopter landing, of some kind. It might be more rescue workers.

Geraldo Rivera: [ Enters scene ] Geraldo Rivera here, the newest member of NBC News, reporting on the Well Babies. We can only hope, and pray..

Brian Williams: Keep Rivera away, Diane. That bastard doesn’t deserve to hold an NBC microphone. The Well Babies are mine!

Diane: Don’t worry, Brian, I’ll handle this. [ Distracting Geraldo ] Look, Geraldo, there’s O.J.! Go get him! Go get him! Go, Boy! Good boy! [ Geraldo quickly runs off in search of nothing ] Back to you, Brian.

Brian Williams: Well done, kitten. I, I mean, Diane. Once again, if you’re just joining us, the Septuplets are trapped in a well.

[ GRAPHIC: WELL BABIES TRAGEDY. SOUND: water splashing, babies crying. ]

Brian Williams: Damn, that’s a kick-ass graphic! You know what else kicks ass? The fact that my career is taking off as we speak. Tom Brokaw, if you’re watching out there, don’t even think about trying to get me out from behind this desk, old man! I’ve got the Well Babies, and I’m here for the long haul. I’ve got a bag of Snickers and a Piss Jar under this desk, so.. Oh, no, I-I’ve just been told that the Septuplets are close to being freed. This can’t happen! This story is all I have! I-I-I’m not going to be another Arthur Kent! Diane, is there anything you can do to stop them?

Diane: I’m afraid not, Brian. Apparently, the well was only four feet deep. This story appears to be coming to a close, as rescue workers have just retrieved all seven babies unharmed. Mrs. McCaughey, any words in this great, great moment of joy?

Bobbie McCaughey: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Officer Lou Costello…..Nathan Lane

[ Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MACDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[ Cheers and applause as we dissolve to NormMacDonald, in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you, that isvery kind of you. Thanks, I’m Norm MacDonald, now thefake news. Our top story tonight:

This week, Attorney General Janet Reno announced shewill not name an independent counsel to investigatecampaign fundraising by the president. At a pressconference, she said, quote, “The decision was mine. It was based on the facts, on the law, not pressure,not politics, not any other factor.” She was then ledaway at gunpoint by the First Lady and nine Chineseguys.

Meanwhile, President Clinton was in Akron, Ohio thisweek presiding at a town meeting about race relationsin America. The President chose Akron as the site ofthe meeting partly because it is the home of theComing Together Project, an organized effort to endracism, and partly because it is the home of SusanRosenberg, an old classmate from Oxford the Presidentstill has sex with. [ Photo of unattractive woman.]

The trial of Unabomber suspect Ted Kacynzski,underway. His lawyers are making arrangements now tomove their client’s 10 by 12-foot shack into thecourtroom. After the trial, the cabin will becarefully repacked and moved to Hollywood where itwill serve as home to actor Mickey Rourke.

Well, a sad story from Britain this week. According tothe Earl of Spencer, several intruders have recentlybroken into his family estate in search of souvenirsfrom Princess Diana’s grave. But the Earl says heknows just how to protect the site. Landmines![ applause ]

This week in the former Soviet Union, an Americanengineer for a San Diego-based company was arrestedand charged with spying for the United States. Russianauthorities say he was caught attempting to smuggleout their secret formula for alcoholism anddespair.

A new study has found that Americans are in the bestof health, and the worst of health, with lifespansthat can differ by as much as forty years from oneU.S. locality to another. The longest lifespans arefound in Sterns County, Minnesota, while the shortestlifespans are found in Drunkdriverville, New Jersey. [Photo of sign that reads “Welcome To Drunkdrivingvillepop. 33,000” ]

In January, production will begin on the seventhseason of MTV’s “The Real World.” The seven youngpeople appearing in the series will representdifferent backgrounds, ages, religions and sexualorientations. However, this year, they will share onetrait in common — I will hate them. [ applause]

In Maryland, Bell Atlantic plans to offer a servicethat would allow customers to learn the address of anylisted telephone number in the state. Critics say theservice would be an invasion of privacy, whileproponents of the plan say it will help them invadepeople’s privacy.

On “Tom Snyder” this week, actor Tony Danza said hethought the recent open display of affection bylesbian couple Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche in frontof President Clinton was “extremely disrespectful.” On hearing the comment, President Clinton responded,”Someone should tell Tony Danza to shut the hell up!”[applause]

Playing in a music store in New York this week, KennyG set a world record by holding a saxophone note forforty-five minutes. While he did warn spectators thatit would be quite boring, it should be noted, that itis every bit as boring to hear Kenny G playdifferent saxophone notes – for forty-fiveminutes.

Norm MacDonald: Well, earlier this week, folks,police made a gruesome discovery in the closet of aBronx apartment — the body of an elderly woman. Thewoman had been dead for some time, and her corpse had,in fact, been mummified. Here with more on this case,is the policeman who discovered the body, Officer LouCostello. [ applause for a nervous, chubby uniformedpoliceman with his cap askew ] Now, Officer Costello,why don’t you tell the folks here whathappened?

Officer Lou Costello: Well… [ starts to pant,wheeze and gasp ]

Norm MacDonald: Okay, now listen! Now listen!Pull – pull – pull yourself together! These – thesepeople don’t want to hear that nonsense! They– [cheers and applause ] This is ridiculous. Completelyridiculous! These people have no reason to hear this. They want to hear about the mummified corpse.

Officer Lou Costello: [ pants and gasps further]

Norm MacDonald: Now, don’t be ridiculous! Now,listen, listen, let me put it this way.. you’re anofficer of the law, aren’t you?

Officer Lou Costello: Of course.

Norm MacDonald: And, you must have written areport, a police report.

Officer Lou Costello: Why, certainly..

Norm MacDonald: Well, then why don’t you tellthe people what you wrote in the policereport?

Officer Lou Costello: Well, my partner Chickand I went into the apartment, and I smelledsomething. I – I smelled it and it was comin’ from thebedroom. So, I went in there, and I opened thecloset, and inside there was a.. [ pants, wheezes,gasps ] ..a muh-muh-muh.. a mummy!
Norm MacDonald: What are you talking about? Your mother was in the closet? What was she doingthere?

Officer Lou Costello: Not my mummy. Amuh-muh-muh… [ pants and wheezes ]

Norm MacDonald: All right, come on now! [ slapshim hard in the face ] Pull yourself together! You’rean officer of the law, for God’s sake! What are yougetting so excited for?

Officer Lou Costello: I’m a-scared!

Norm MacDonald: Ahhh… well, this isridiculous! All right, forget this! We’re gettingnowhere.

Officer Lou Costello: [ ad-libs ] You’retelling me.

Norm MacDonald: Let me ask you this. [ someapplause for the ad-lib; Norm, highly amused, mustpause to gather himself ]

Officer Lou Costello: [ ad-libs ] You know -you know, that’s why Bud and I broke up, he hit himtoo hard.

Norm MacDonald: [ laughs ] Now, let me ask youthis, now, finally, Officer Costello.

Officer Lou Costello: Yes?

Norm MacDonald: Now, the 70th Precinct, that’syour precinct, the precinct you work in – it hasrecently been accused of brutalizing suspects, andthen maintaining a police code of silence. Now, now,let me ask you this, Officer Costello: were youinvolved in this?

Officer Lou Costello: I’m a badboy!

Norm MacDonald: Oh, Lord. Officer LouCostello, everyone. That’s ridiculous! [ to Lou ]That’s ridiculous! [ Officer Lou starts beating Normwith his police cap as Norm breaks character] Andthat’s the news, folks! [ Norm cracks up and recoilsas Lou beats him ] What are you doing?!? [ Applause. Music. Title card. Fade. ]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

The Quiet Storm

Chris “Champagne” Garnett….Tim Meadows
Larry Unhower….Nathan Lane
Black lover slow dancing….Tracy Morgan

[Opens with a black couple slow dancing in a room lit with candles listening to mellow r&b music over the radio]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [suave mellow voice over the radio] That’s right. Wrap your hands around your sweet lady and whisper secret words in her ears cause is that time where gentle caresses turns into sweet lovemaking. [cut to Chris on his radio booth, headphones, dark sunglasses] I’m your Deejay Chris “Champagne” Garnett and you’re listening to “The Quiet Storm.” [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect] Right now we got some “Keith Sweat” coming at ya’. Because it is time to sweat between the sheets. Smooth love skin against smooth lover skin. Passionate groans filling the air. Moist, hot. And also by the way, its the third day of Hanukkah. Yeah, so make sure you light another candle and then get down, here on “The Quiet Storm.” [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect] And while you hold your lover in a passionate embrace of gentle kisses and sweet promises, whisper in her ear that Patterson Construction is offering 30 % discount onbrick face and stucco. Yeah, brick face, stucco, Hanukkah and sweet lovemaking. Here on “The Quiet Storm.” [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect]

[A man is seen behind Chris looking for something on a shelf]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Yeah, well, well…looks like Larry Unhower, the host of our mid-day easy-listening program “Afternoon Delight” has just stepped into the booth.

Larry Unhower: Hello Chris. Don’t mind me. I’m just looking for my Anne Murray boxset.

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: I think I threw that out, man.

Larry Unhower: Oh, that’s quite all right. Hey, I just had a wacky idea. Maybe I’ll join you for a few tunes. It’ll be fun![sits, puts on headphones]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Well, that is certainly a wacky idea but I don’t think that’s really necessary…

Larry Unhower: This is Larry Unhower joining Chris “Champagne” Garnett on “The Quiet Storm.” [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: You touch that button again and I’m gonna go Latrell Sprewell on your ass.

Larry Unhower: Oh, take it easy, Chris. And speaking of easy lets hear some “Air Supply” now. “Im all out of love”.

[Air Supply song plays, Larry sways to the song] “Im all out of love, I’m so lost without you…”

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Let’s not.[turns it off] Instead lets listen to some “D’Angelo”, yeah. [D’Angelo plays] This song goes out to Chanika and G-Dog. G-Dog says he loves you, Chanika. And he wants to get it on even though you’re pregnant with Antwone’s baby. Here on “The Quiet Storm”. [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect]

Larry Unhower: Well, that’s about enough of that![skips record]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: What the hell are you doing, man?

Larry Unhower: I just wanted to introduce your listeners to a better class of music. Ladies and gentlemen, “Amy Grant”.

[Amy grant song plays, Larry snaps his fingers to the song] Amy Grant: “Baby, baby….”

Larry Unhower: This song goes out to Glen and Karen. Glen says he cares about you, Karen. And apologizes for the remarks he made about the matching sweaters here on “Afternoon Delight” [pushes button, birds chirping sound effect]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Listen bitch! I will beat your ass so badly you’ll be howling in pain and it won’t be easy listening. Now here’s “Keith Sweat”, his newest groove “I need your loving”.

[ Chris pushes button and a folk song plays] “Sunshine on my shoulde-e-e-ers….”

Larry Unhower: I took the liberty of re-programming some of the musical selections.

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Yeah? Well, I took the liberty of purchasing a knife. [pulls out a monster switchblade]

Larry Unhower: What are you doing? Are you crazy?

[cut to the two black lovers slow dancing, Chris and Larry’s fight is heard over the radio]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: No one screws with my show!! You hear me?! Oh, so you have a gun, huh? Tough guy?!

Larry Unhower: That’s right! Only one of us is leaving here alive tonight!!

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Then bring it on!!!

[Couple keeps slow dancing, over the radio we hear furniture crashing and glass breaking and the violent scuffle]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Oh! Uff! Got to get my “Peaches and Herb” CD!!

Larry Unhower: Oh!, ah! Never, never! Must play “James Taylor”!!

[3 gunshots. Bang! Bang! Bang!]

[cut back into the radio booth, Chris holds a gun in his hand, Larry is shot in the head, blood on the temple, flat on his face on the console]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Yeah, this is Chris “Champagne” Garnett. We got some “Peaches and Herb” comin’ at ya’! Also “The Quiet Storm” will be on tomorrow afternoon because I just shot Larry Unhower in the head. Yeah, so grab your lover, hold her tight, because this is “The Quiet Storm”. [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect]

[Larry’s hand moves trying to change the record and Chris pushes his hand away. Chris sways to the music.]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Songs That Ruined Everything

Dennis DeYoung…..Will Ferrell

Dennis DeYoung: [ singing at piano ]
“I know you think these are the worst of times
I do believe it’s true.”

Hi. I’m Dennis DeYoung, lead singer of the rock group Styx. And that was our smash hit, “The Best of Times”, a song that turned a respected art-rock quintent into an easy-listening laughingstock. You can hear that and other career-destroying hits on an amazing collection called “Songs That Ruined Everything”. You’ll get dozens of songs which singnalled the beginning of the end for many formerly cool artists. Including:

[ show image of Steve Miller over music sample ]

“Abracadabra”, by the Steve Miller Band..

[ show image of Bruce Springsteen over music sample ]

..”Dancing In The Dark”, by the Boss – Bruce Springsteen..

[ show image of Rod Stewart over music sample ]

..and “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” by Rod Stewart.

I’m sure we all remember the moment we lost respect for one of our favorite artists. Now you can relive that moment again and again. Imagine it’s 1986, and you’re eagerly awaiting the new album by the world’s greatest rock-and-roll band.. and they give you this: [ sound clip plays ] “Harlem Shuffle”, by the Rolling Stones. You’ll also get:

[ show image of Yes over music sample ]

“Owner Of A Lonely Heart”, by Yes.

[ show image of Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson over music sample ]

..”Say, Say, Say”, by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney. Hey! This one ruined two reputations!

[ show image of Van Halen over music sample ]

And, of course, “Jump”, by Van Halen.

And if you act now, we’ll include a bonus album: “Songs That Made ItImpossible For Even The Most Ardent Fan Not To Realize Something WasSeriously Wrong.” We’re talking about songs that pounded the final nailinto the coffin of artistic legitimacy. Such as:

[ show image of Jefferson Starship over music sample ]

“We Built This City”, by Jefferson Starship..

[ show image of Genesis over music sample ]

..”Invisible Touch”, by Genesis..

[ show image of Billy Joel over music sample ]

..”We Didn’t Start The Fire”, by Billy Joel..

[ show image of Styx over music sample ]

..and Styx’s own “Mr. Roboto”.

Each of these songs reminds us that even our best and brightest can enter a heart-breaking creative freefall, from which there’s no escape! So, “domo arigato”!

[ continues singing ]

“I’m sailing away-ay-ay..”

Announcer: Send $19.95 to:
Dennis DeYoung Enterprises
2250 E. Madison Street,
Chicago, Illinois

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8


Song appears
on the album:

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Marianne Faithfull performs “The Ballad of Lucy Jordan

…..Marianne Faithfull

[ dissolve from the Sister Wendy Beckett’s Art Odyssey film ]

Marianne Faithfull:
“The morning sun touched lightly on
The eyes of Lucy Jordan
In a white suburban bedroom
in a white suburban town.”

[ dissolve to commercial, as the studio audience hears more of the song: ]

“As she lay there ‘neath the covers
Dreaming of a thousand lovers
Till the world turned to orange
And the room went spinning ’round.

At the age of 37
She realized she’d never ride
Through Paris in a sports car
With the warm wind in her hair
So she let the phone keep ringing
As she sat there, softly singing
Little nursery rhymes she’d memorized
In her daddy’s easy chair.

Her husband is off to work
And the kids are off to school
And there were, oh, so many ways
For her to spend the day
She could clean the house for hours
Or rearrange the flowers
Or run naked through the shady streets
Screaming all the way!

At the age of 37
She realized –“

[ dissolve on a Nathan Lane bumper, as SNL returns from commercial. Marianne Faithfull and the SNL Band promptly pot down. ]

“– she’d never ride.”

[ the rest of the song: ]

“Through Paris in a sports car
With the warm wind in her hair
So she let the phone keep ringing
As she sat there, softly singing
Little nursery rhymes she’d memorized
In her daddy’s easy chair.

The evening sun touched gently on
The eyes of Lucy Jordan
On the roof top, where she climbed
When all the laughter grew too loud
And she bowed and curtsied to the man
Who reached and offered her his hand
And he led her down to the long white car
That waited past the crowd.

At the age of 37
She knew she’d found forever
As she rolled along through Paris
With the warm wind in her hair.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8


Song appears
on the album:

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Metallica, featuring Marianne Faithfull, performs “The Memory Remains”

…..Nathan Lane
…..Metallica
…..Marianne Faithfull

Nathan Lane: Ladies and gentlemen – Metallica, featuring Marianne Faithfull!

Metallica:
“Fortune, fame
Mirror vain
Gone insane
But the memory remains.

Heavy rings on fingers wave
Another star denies the grave
See the nowhere crowd
Cry the nowhere cheers of honor.

Like twisted vines that grow
Hide and swallow mansions whole
In light of an already
Faded prima donna.

Fortune, fame
Mirror vain
Gone insane
Fortune, fame
Mirror vain
Gone insane
But the memory remains.

Heavy rings hold cigarettes
Up to lips that time forgets
See the Hollywood sun set
Behind your back.

And can’t the band play on
Just listen, they play my song
Ash to ash
Dust to dust
Fade to black.

Fortune, fame
Mirror vain
Gone insane
Fortune, fame
Mirror vain
Gone insane
Dance little tin goddess.

Marianne Faithfull:
“Da da da da
Da da da.
Da da da da
Da da da.”

Metallica:
“Drift away
Fade away
Little tin goddess.

Ash to ash
Dust to dust
Fade to black.

Fortune, fame
Mirror vain
Gone insane
Fortune, fame
Mirror vain
Gone insane
But the memory remains.

Ash to ash
Dust to dust
Fade to black.

Little tin goddess dance.”

Marianne Faithfull:
“Da da da da
Da da da.
Da da da da
Da da da.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8


Song appears
on the album:

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Metallica performs “Fuel”

…..Nathan Lane
…..Metallica

Nathan Lane: Ladies and gentlemen – Metallica!

Metallica:
“Gimme fuel, gimme fire
Gimme that which I desire, oh!”

Turn me on, and I see red
Adrenaline crash and crack my head
Nitro junkie, paint me dead
And I see red.

I run across through black and white
War horse, war head, buck ’em, man
White knuckle tight
Through black and white.

Oh, when I burn
Fuel is pumping engines
Burning hard, loose and clean.
And then I burn
Turning my direction
Quench my thirst with gasoline.

So gimme fuel, gimme fire
Gimme that which I desire!

Turn on beyond the bone
Swallow future, spit out hope
Burn your face upon the chrome.

Hey, hey, hey!

Take the corner, going to crash
Headlights, headlines
Another junkie, who lives too fast
Lives way too fast, fast, fast!

Oh, when I burn
Fuel is pumping engines
Burning hard, loose and clean.
And then I burn
Turning my direction
Quench my thirst with gasoline.

So gimme fuel, gimme fire
Gimme that which I desire!

[ break ]

Oh, I burn!

Oh, when I burn
Fuel is pumping engines
Burning hard, loose and clean.
And on and on
Turning my direction
Quench my thirst with gasoline.

Gimme fuel, gimme fire
Gimme that which I desire, yeah!

Oh, I burn!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Goodnights

…..Nathan Lane

Nathan Lane: My thanks to Metallica. Marianne Faithfull. The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders! My compadre, Ernie Sabella! This brilliant cast, the great writers, the great crew here, for making this a tremendeous week. Thanks to Lorne Michaels. Thank you all, you’ve been a great audience! Good night, everybody! Ha-ku-na Ma-ta-ta!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Gene the Ex-Con

Gene…..Colin Quinn
Dad…..Nathan Lane
Guard…..Jim Breuer

[ open on Gene the ex-con playing Santa Claus in the mall, with a Kid sitting on his lap ]

Kid: I want a football. But most of all, I want a new bike.

Gene: A new bike? Whoa! Hey, your son has really expensive taste!

Dad: [ chuckles ] Yeah! Well..

Gene: Probably just like his old man, right?

Dad: [ chuckles a little more ] Right, right!

Gene: Only, instead of a bike, you’d probably want, like, a new car or something!

Dad: [ feigns laughter ] Exactly..!

Gene: Pretty son, adults will be sitting here on my lap: “What would you like, sir?” “How ’bout that new Buick Skylark?”

Dad: [ now starting to become aggravated ] Yeah, that would be funny.. Listen.. maybe you could pay a little more attention to the kids, I mean.. it’s the kids’ day, right?

Gene: Oh. Okay. I was just..

Dad: I mean.. the kids.. that’s what you’re here for..

Gene: Okay.

Dad: Thanks.

Gene: Now, Timmy, what kind of bike would you..? [ stops, chuckles uncomfortably and turns to Dad ] Excuse me. Don’t tell me what I’m here for, please?

Dad: No.. I just figured this was a holiday for the kids, and..

Gene: No, I understand that, sir – just do me a favor and don’t tell me what I’m here for!

Dad: Listen, I didn’t mean anything by it. Why don’t you relax?

Gene: Relax? [ stands up and closes in on Dad ]

Dad: [ nervous ] Uh.. Billy, you’d better go look at the bikes..

Gene: My man, you want me to be naughty or nice over here? What’s it goin’ down?

Dad: What is your problem?! I’m here with my kid, and I’m trying to enjoy the holiday!

Gene: Listen, man, you’re right..

Dad: Yeah!

Gene: The thing is, I just got out of jail, I’m trying to straighten out and make a good impression over here. It’s like my P.O. told me: “Gene, you’re crazy! You’re the craziest sonofabitch ever came through the system!”

Dad: It’s alright, it’s alright! You seem like a nice guy at heart..!

Gene: No, no, no. I feel bad, I wanna make it up to you. What do you say we go back to my room at the Y, listen to some Ronnie James Dio, and drink some apple wine?

Dad: What?!

Gene: Yeah, back at the Y I’ve got the Christmas issue of “Barely Legal”, they got naked elves, they got Santa giving it to broads under the tree..

Kid: Daddy? Who’s Ronnie James Dio?

Dad: Nobody, nobody, son! [ to Gene ] Listen! I don’t want my kid knowing who Ronnie James Dio is! I’m not even sure I know who she is! I just want him to sit on Santa’s lap and tell Santa what he wants, so we can get out of here!

Gene: I’m sorry. I’m a little spacey, you know what it is? I been selling a lot of blood lately. [ takes his seat ] Come on, son.. get up here and tell Santa what you want.

Kid: I want a happy Christmas for my family.

Gene: Yeah. The only family I had in the can was the Aryan Brotherhood. Every Christmas, we drank Pruno and passed around the joke book..

Dad: [ intercedes ] Okay, that’s it! Security! Security!

Guard: [ steps up ] Yes? Yes, what’s the problem, sir?

Dad: Travis Bickle here is telling prison stories to my son!

Gene: My man! This guy’s lying! His kid stole a bike!

Guard: Aw, Gene, this is the 56th complaint we’ve had in two days. Now, let’s go.. [ grabs Gene’s sleeve ]

Gene: Whoa, whoa! You wanna keep your hands to yourself, please?

Guard: Come on, Gene, you’re bothering the customers, it’s bad for business. Time to leave.

Gene: I understand. Just don’t touch me!

Guard: What’s up with you?

Gene: Nothing’s up with me! What’s down with you? What’s under with him? This kid wants a bike, she wants a dolly, and I want you to get outta my face before I smack you with a stocking full of D-cell batteries!

Dad: You guys should have a better screening process for hiring Santas! You can start with the urine test!

Gene: Sir! Where am I supposed to get work?! Are you gonna hire a man who just did twelve years for home invasion and murder?

Dad: No, of course not!

Gene: Well, see! That’s what I’m talking about! I can’t find a job!

Kid: Daddy? Is Santa going to jail?

Dad: No, son, no.. he’s not really Santa..

Kid: Daddy? Is there no Santa?

Gene: You see that, sir? Now you got a kid who thinks there’s no Santa! You happy?

Dad: Well, I’d rather have him beleive in no Santa, than a Santa who does twelve years for home invasion and murder!

Gene: Sir, yes, it’s true, I done time! But, when you think about it, what does Santa do every year but commit a form of home invasion? A very loving and generous home invasion, yes.. but still home invasion! And, as for murder, well.. well, I can’t think of any good reason to justify that.

Dad: You know, my kid used to love Santa! He saw that Tim Allen movie ten times!

Gene: Kid, I did time with Tim Allen! Let me tell ya something – he’s always been real people, Bro, but he ain’t no Santa Claus!

Guard: Alright, Gene, come on, let’s go.. [ pulls Gene away ]

Dad: Let’s go, son. There are other department stores..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts