SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 12

92l: Luke Perry / Mick Jagger

Open White House

President Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Hillary Clinton…..Jan Hooks
Guard…..David Spade
Crazy Man #1…..Tim Meadows
Alan Demming…..Rob Schneider
Italian Prime Minister……Giorgio Armani
Crazy Man #2…..Kevin Nealon
Wrestler…..Chris Farley
Lord of Destruction…..Adam Sandler

[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ dissolve to interior, as President Bill Clinton speaks with Alan Demming ]

Alan Demming: Alright… these are my notes. Everything you need is in here. Be careful — [ he glances over his shoulder ] This is my only copy. [ he glances at Hillary ] Who’s that?

President Bill Clinton: [ proudly ] This is my wife Hillary.

Alan Demming: [ whispering ] Can she be trusted?

President Bill Clinton: I think so.

Alan Demming: “THINK so” doesn’t quite cut it! The takes are too high!

Hillary Clinton: [ extending her hand ] Hi! It’s good to meet you. How are you?

[ Bill takes the crumpled newspapers ]

Alan Demming: [ to Hillary ] Nice try. [ he storms off ]

Guard: [ leaning in ] A man proclaiming to be the Prime Minister of Italy.

[ the Prime Minister steps forward ]

President Bill Clinton: Thank you for coming, Mr. Prime Minister!

Italian Prime Minister: [ speaks in perfect Italian and kisses Bill’s cheeks ]

President Bill Clinton: This is my wife Hillary.

Italian Prime Minister: Hi, Hillary. [ he shakes her hand, then speaks more Italian ] Nice jacket. [ he fondles Hillary’s breast area ]

Hillary Clinton: Well… thank you for coming. We’ll wake up every morning thinking of you.

Italian Prime Minister: Grazi.

[ he walks off, as Hillary clutches onto Bill ]

Hillary Clinton: Honey, we’ve, uh — we’ve got a little problem here. I’ve just been told that the crazy people we’re talking to are NOT the crazy people who had tickets.

President Bill Clinton: What are you saying? That these crazy people are crashers?

Hillary Clinton: Well, apparently so. And now we’ve got several hundred very angry, very crazy people out on the lawn who feel that they’re being screwed and, frankly, I think they’ve got a point.

President Bill Clinton: Well, okay. Let’s just get through this group.

[ Bill turns to find a crazy man standing before him ]

President Bill Clinton: Hi! Sorry to keep you waiting.

Crazy Man #2: [ angry ] You BLACK son of a bitch!

[ dissolve to exterior, White House ]

Announcer: Later this week: In recognition of National Fitness Month, President and Mrs. Clinton hosted a group of 800 professional wrestlers.

[ dissolve to Bill and Hillary shaking hands with a line of wrestlers ]

President Bill Clinton: Thank you.

[ a second Wrestler lurches forward ]

Wrestler: [ in Bill’s face ] Alright, Clinton!! You did some pretty big talking during the campaign, when you were standing behind a woman’s SKIRT!! Your name should be Bill CHICKEN!! Not Bill CLINTON!! President Bill CHICKEN!!! ‘Cause that’s what you are!! A CHICKEN!!!

President Bill Clinton: [ smiling ] Well, thank you for coming.

[ the Wrestler hapily shakes Bill and Hillary’s hands and continues down the line ]

Guard: [ leaning in ] Lord of Destruction.

Lord of Destruction: LISTEN UP, BILL-O-METER!!! YEAH, BILL-O-METER!! NOT BILL!! THAT’S YOU…!!

[ dissolve to exterior, White House ]

Announcer: On Friday, President Clinton welcomed Italian Prime Minister Giuliano Amato, for talks on trade and currency stabilization.

[ dissolve to Bill Clinton seated with Giuliano Amato ]

President Bill Clinton: Once again, on behalf of all Americans, I want to apologize to Prime Minister Amato for the unfortunate mix-up on Tuesday… and the treatment he received from White House security. I’m sure the Prime Minister understands that, once he wandered onto the bus… there was simply no way, absent an interpretor, to verify that he was the Prime Minister of Italy and not a crazy person… many of whom claim to be visiting heads of state.

Italian Prime Minister: No problem.

President Bill Clinton: The shots he was given will have little or no lasting effect… and we believe he can return to Italy as soon as doctors say he is able to fly. [ he smiles ]

[ dissolve to exterior, White House ]

Announcer: Next on C-Span: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 12


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 6th, 1993

Luke Perry

Mick Jagger

None

Giorgio Armani

Jan Hooks

David Mandel

Andy Murphy

Joe Dicso
Open White HouseSummary: President Bill Clinton (Phil Hartman) and wife Hillary (Jan Hooks) welcome an assortment of crazy people to the White House.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Luke Perry’s Monologue

Chameleon XLESummary:

Note: Repeat from 11/14/92.

The Tampon PrinceRecurring Characters: Prince Charles, Queen Elizabeth, Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Mrs. Hibbert’s Yard Boy

Mick Jagger performs “Sweet Thing”

Weekend Update with Kevin NealonRecurring Characters: Operaman, Mick Jagger, Keith Richards.

Transcript

Magic Fish Town Meeting

SNL Halftime SpectacularRecurring Characters: Michael Jackson.

Mick Jagger performs “Don’t Tear Me Up”

High School Liar’s Club

Sassy’s Sassiest BoysRecurring Characters: Russell Clark, Mark Wahlberg.

Transcript

Deep ThoughtsTranscript

Dark Moments in Black HistoryRecurring Characters: Queen Shenequa.

Tommy’s Goodbye

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Clinton Inaugural Gala

Barbra Streisand…..Mike Myers
Whoopi Goldberg…..Ellen Cleghorne
President Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Hillary Clinton…..Jan Hooks
Chelsea Clinton…..Julia Sweeney

[ open on the Clinton Inaugural Gala, Barbra Streisand finishing the song “People”. ]

Whoopi Goldberg: Barbra Streisand, ladies and gentlemen! Yeah! give it up! This is so nice – this is all for you, Mr. President! Inauguration! Now it’s a new beginning, because it’s like, Bush – he didn’t know, because we was saying, “The people are hungry!” and he was saying, “Barbera, where’s the dog?” You dig, you know? Alright! now, we got a psecial surprise for you – all the way from.. well, I don’t know where she come from, but you know the sister is bad! And she’s here tonight, for you! Ladies and gentlemen, Madonna!

Madonna: Mr. President.. this is for you. [ whispers in song ] “Happy.. Inauguration.. to you.”

[ Clinton claps wildly ] “Happy.. Inauguration.. to you.”

[ Hillary fumes ]“Happy Inauguration, Mr.. Pwesident.”

[ Clinton has a huge smile on his face; Hillary is angry, Chelsea is confused ] “Happy.. Inauguration.. to you.”

[ Clinton and Hillary are now fighting over the personal tribute ]

“How.. old.. are.. you now?”

[ Clinton smiles, as Hillary fumes some more ]

“How.. old.. are.. you now?”

[ Hillary gets up to leave, as Clinton persuades her to stay ]

“How.. old.. are.. you, Mr.. Pwesident?”

[ Clinton holds Hillary in his arms, while giving the “Call Me!” signal to Madonna ]

“How.. old.. are.. you now?”

[ audience gives a standing ovation ]

[ Clinton gives Madonna the “Call Me!” signal again, but she shakes hr fingers “No, no”, and acknowledges Chelsea instead, who is pleasantly surprised by the outcome ]

Madonna: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

An Insane Idiot And His Collection Of Descending-Size Deer Heads

Insane Idiot…..Harvey Kietel

Insane Idiot: Hi. Welcome to my Deer Heads. [ stands in front of large Deer Head ] This first Deer Head is a real beauty, as you can see. Big fella, ten pointer, I got him about three years ago.

[ stands next to smaller deer ]

This is a smaller one I shot the next year.

[ stands next to even smaller deer ]

This is a baby deer.

[ stands next to even smaller deer ]

And this one is the baby of that deer.

[ stands next to small pet deer ]

This is a little miniature deer that I got as a pet.. then I got tired of it and shot it.

[ stands next to freakishly small deer ]

Now, this is a little freak deer. A scientist friend of mine developed it – the neighbor’s cat got a hold of it and, luckily, left the head.

[ stands next to a mouse head with fake horns ]

This is a mouse. But I put some little deer horns on it, and I don’t know why. A friend of mine asked me, “Is it a deermouse?” [ laughs ] I said, “I don’t know, but it’d be funny if it was, though!”

[ stands next to a toy deer head ]

This is what we call a toy deer. I bought it at Toys ‘R’ Us, then cut its head off and stuck it up there.

[ stands next to an any mounted on the wall ]

This is a really big ant I found.

[ stands next to three little white dots mounted on the wall ]

And these are its eggs.

[ stands next to a microscope mounted on the wall ]

Now, this. I don’t know if you can get your camera in there or not. Go ahead and look on in there. [ view shows amoeba flaoting around ] In the upper left hand corner – you see that thing? That is a deer – or, at least, that’s my theory. And, if I could get my hands on one of those electron scalpels, or whatever you call them, I think I could cut its head off. [ holds up his empty Scotch glass ] Well, it looks like I knew a refill. [ crosses his row of Deer Heads to his wet bar ]

Announcer: This has been “An Insane Idiot And His Collection Of Descending-Size Deer Heads”.

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
I believe in making the world safe
for our children,
but not for our children’s children,
because I don’t think children
should be having sex.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 16th, 1993

Harvey Kietel

Madonna

Jan Hooks

Jeff Renaudo

Madonna, “Fever”

Clinton Inauguration

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.

Harvey Kietel’s Monologue

Jiffy Express

(Rerun) See: 10/24/92.

Bathroom Attendant

Subway Transit Authority

Madonna performs “Fever”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

It’s Pat

Recurring Characters: Pat.

President Bush Farewell

Recurring Characters: President George Bush.

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

Recurring Characters: Cirroc.

Madonna performs “Bad Girl”

An Insane Idiot and His Collection of Descending Size Deer Heads

In or Out the Cab

Deep Thoughts

Making the world safe for our children.

SNL Transcripts

Simon

Simon…..Mike Myers
Vinnie Esposito…..Danny Devito

Announcer: It’s BBC 1 and it’s 5 o’clock. I hope you enjoyed all 11 hours of the ‘Norfolk Plowing Competition’, and before that ‘Let’s Have A Look At your Willie’ with Dick Smitten. And now boys and girls, it’s time to visit our little friend Simon.

[ open on montage of Simon’s drawings ]

Jingle: “Well, you know my name is Simon
and I like to do drawerings.
I like to draw all day long
so come and do drawerings with me.
Come and do drawerings with me!”

[ dissolve to Simon sitting in his bathtub covered in bubbles, eager to see the audience ]

Simon: Hello! My name is Simon. I like to do drawerings. Today, I have an American friend in the bath with me. I met him on my Christmas holidays in Atlantic City. Do you want to meet him? Do you? Do you? [Audience cheers] Okay, his name is Vinnie Esposito and he’s ever so friendly.

Vinnie: Yo, how you doin’?

Simon: My dad works for a big American company and might be getting into business with his dad.

Vinnie: My old man’s in construction.

Simon: Just like me, Vinnie doesn’t have a mummy. My mummy’s with the angels.

Vinnie: My mummy’s sleepin’ with the fishes. My daddy said she had a BIG mouth.

Simon: Vinnie, didn’t you think that Christmas in Atlantic City was ever so fun?

Vinnie: It didn’t suck.

Simon: I had a great Christmas. All Christmas day long I played the slot machines by myself, and every 2 hours a nice lady named Bambi would take me to the toilets.

Vinnie: Speaking of toilets, while you were just talking, I made.

Simon: I thought it was getting warmer in here. Cheeky monkey! Anyways, I did a drawering at the casino. Do you want to see it? Do you? Do you? [audience cheers] [Simon bends down to get drawing] Were you looking at my bum? Bum-lookers, cheeky monkeys, all of you! Don’t look. Okay, this is a drawering of my daddy at the Roulette table. He’s shouting for more credit. “Give me more credit”, he said. So I said, “All right then. I think you’re a great daddy, and I think this is the best Christmas ever”. But evidentaly, that’s not the kind of credit he needed, and he was wisked away into a darkened room. Do you have any Christmas drawerings, Vinnie?

Vinnie: Yes I do. [Vinnie bends down to get drawing] Were you lookin’ at my ass? Don’t look at my ass! Ass-looker! [To Simon] They was lookin’ at my ass!

Simon: Don’t let ’em. Don’t let ’em. Don’t.

Vinnie: Okay. It’s a drawering of Joey “The Neck” Vatelli dressed up as Santa. I asked daddy why Santa Claus was covered in blood, and he told me sometimes Santa Claus gotta get wacked.

Simon: Fair enough. Fair enough. All right then. This is a drawering of one of my Christmas presents from my Auntie Mollie. It’s a year’s membership to the Chocolate Bar of the Month Club. January is Cadbury’s Goosberry month.

Vinnie: Well, this is what I got. This is a BB gun. I use it for shooting rabits and other small vermin.

Simon: I got another present. It was from my former nanny, who’s a hippie. It’s a vest made out of ma-crah-me.

Vinnie: You mean macrame.

Simon: All she does is eat toffu all day long.

Vinnie: You mean tofu.

Simon: If you like. And she even grows her own ore-gahn-o.

Vinnie: That’s oregano, you limey freak!

Simon: My daddy says that Americans and British people are seperated by a common language.

Vinnie: All’s I know is that my dad could take your dad.

Simon: That’s probably true because sadly my dad doesn’t carry firearms. Okay, that’s all the time we have for this week. My guest has been Vinnie. Have a happy new year!

Vinnie: Happy new year, Simon.

Simon: Did it just get warmer in here again?

Vinnie: Maybe.

Simon: Cheeky monkey! Bye Bye!

Vinnie: Bye!

[ Simon and Vinnie throw bubbles int he air, as scene dissolves to closing montage of Simon’s drawings ]

Jingle: “Well, you know my name is Simon
and I like to do drawerings.”

[ fade ]

Thanks to Kelly Bumford for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

“Sex” on Tape

Sound Operator…..Kevin Nealon
Al Goldstein…..Danny DeVito
Charlton Heston…..Phil Hartman
Book Executive…..Adam Sandler
Technician…..Rob Schneider

[ actor Charlton Heston and Screw magazine editor Al Goldstein are converting Madonna’s “Sex” book to tape ]

Sound Operator: Books on Tape. The book is “Sex”, by Madonna; text by Charlton Heston; and photo interpretation by Al Goldstein. Page 63. Okay, let’s try one.

Charlton Heston: Uh.. I’m having a problem with the word at the top of the page.

Sound Operator: Which one?

Charlton Heston: The “P” word. Couldn’t I just say “vagina”?

Al Goldstein: Heston, you sound like an old whore. Read it the way Madonna wrote it! Show some respect!

Charlton Heston: I’m sorry.. I’m just uncomfortable with it. I understand what you’re saying. You want something young and hip – I could say something like.. furburger?

Book Executive: [ to the Sound Operator ] No, no, no! Tell him that’s not going to work.

Charlton Heston: Gene Tierney had a funny word for it – the Erie Canal..? Or the Suez.. what was it..? [ reflective ]

Sound Operator: Hold on a second, Mr. Heston, we have to come up with a decision in here.. [ huddles up with the Book Executive and the Technician ]

Technician: Look, let him say what he wants. I can fix it in the post. I’ll sample the tape, we’ll build a word. Remember yesterday, on page 53, he said “thrust and push”? I’ll just use the syllable “push”, and I’ll add an “E” to it. Then, we’ve got our word.

Book Executive: Okay, whoa, whoa.. “Pushy“? He’s gonna be saying, “I like my pushy“? “I like to look at my pushy“? What’s that?

Technician: I can take the “H” out!

Sound Operator: If you say so. [ leaning up to the microphone ] Alright, Mr. Heston? “Vagina” will be fine. Alright, we’re gonna keep the tape rolling.. and, Al? When Mr. Heston is through reading on page 63, you can pick up with the photos on 64 and 65, down to.. “Two Scary Lesbos on a Raft.”

Al Goldstein: Down to the lesbos, alright.

Sound Operator: Okay, and then we’ll break for lunch. Let’s bring one down.

Al Goldstein: Got it.

Charlton Heston: [ reading ] “I like my vagina. Sometimes I stare at it in the mirror, when I’m undressing, and wonder what it would look like without any hair. Sometimes I sit at the edge of my bed, spread my legs and stare into the mirror, and wonder what others see. I love my vagina. It is the complete summation of my life.” [ turns the page ]

Al Goldstein: [ taking over, describes the pictures ] Oh, man! This next page, I don’t believe what I’m looking at! [ laughs ] She’s completely naked. She’s got a full-length mirror on the floor.. and she’s sitting on it, like she’s getting ready to snap the ball to Warren Moon! Madonna, you are such a whore! [ turns the page ] On this next page, she’s sitting on the old guy’s lap. She’s wearing anklets, and white cotton panties with nothing on top! I’m telling you – this makes me soooo horny! And, I gotta tell you – there’s a difference between horny and horrr-neyyy! [ laughs ]

Charlton Heston: [ interrupting with his thoughts ] You know, Ernie Borgnine had a thing for white cotton panties..

Book Executive: [ annoyed ] What is he doing?

Sound Operator: [ into the microphone ] Mr. Heston, try not to ad-lib, okay?

Charlton Heston: Sorry.

Sound Operator: Hey look, as long as we’re stopped, let’s break for lunch. When we come back, we’ll pick up on page 66.

Charlton Heston: Page 66? That’s where’s she’s whipping a room full of naked men while wearing a formal?

Al Goldstein: [ excited ] Yeah, that’s it! It’s kind of horny, but not.. horrr-neyyy! [ laughs ]

Charlton Heston: Ah, yes..

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
If I was a doctor, operating on a patient,
and he died on me, and his spirit was hovering
above his own body, looking down on it,
I would take out a $100 bill, flash it at the spirit
and then stuff it in the hand of the dead body.
This would coax the spirit to return to his body.
If that didn’t work, I’d put the body’s hand
on the breast of a nurse.
That ought to do it.
In any case, I’d take the $100 bill back
before he woke up.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 9th, 1993

Danny DeVito

Bon Jovi

Mike Ditka

Jan Hooks

Bon Jovi, “Bed of Roses”

Swerski Protest Letter

Recurring Characters: Super Fans.

Danny DeVito’s Monologue

Canis

(Rerun) See: 09/26/92.

Aaron Spelling’s Amy Fisher, 10516

Recurring Characters: Amy Fisher.

Simon

Recurring Characters: Simon.

Masterpiece Theatre

Recurring Characters: Amy Fisher.

Shifty Eyes

Deep Thoughts

Coaxing a spirit.

Amy Fisher: One Messed-Up Bitch

Recurring Characters: Amy Fisher.

Bon Jovi performs “Bed of Roses”

Also Performed: 94m, 00s, 07c.

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Recurring Characters: Jan Brady.

Gap Girls

Recurring Characters: Kristy, Lucy.

Sex On Tape

Unbelievable New Breakthroughs

Secret Hitman

Bon Jovi performs “Wanted Dead or Alive”

Adults Still Living with Their Parents

SNL Transcripts