SNL Tonight

The Global Warming Christmas Special


The Global Warming Christmas Special

Carl Sagan…..Mike Myers
Dean Martin…..Tom Hanks
Sally Struthers…..Victoria Jackson
Crystal Gayle…..Jan Hooks
Isaac Asimov…..Phil Hartman
Paul McCartney…..Dan Carvey
George Hamilton…..Kevin Nealon
…..Ralph Nader
…..Dom DeLuise…..Chris Farley
Petula Clark…..Julia Sweeney


Announcer: It’s The Global Warming Christmas Special, with Carl Sagan. Starring Kirstie Alley, Dr. William R Keeler from the Chicago Institute of Meteorological Studies, funnyman Louie Anderson, Professor I. Bennet Eckling, Chief Atmospheric Physicist from the World Resources Institute, Jamie Farr and many, many more. And now, here he is – Carl Sagan!

[ Carl Sagan enters the summer-styled Christmas village set ]

Carl Sagan: Good evening, and welcome to my first Global Warming Christmas Special. It’s a tradition which I fear will continue for years to come, because, the way things are going, global warming will be around for a long time. Now, here’s someone else who’s been around for a long time, a man who’s hosted many a Christmas show himself – Mr. Dean Martin.

[ Dean Martin enters with a glass of vodka and a lit cigarette ]

Carl Sagan: Welcome, Dean. I hope this special will prove to be enlightening and entertaining.

Dean Martin: Hello there, Carl. You just show me where the cue cards and we’ll take care of this whole thing.

Carl Sagan: Okay, Dean, because after all..

[ singing ]

“The Earth’s atmosphere operates
as a greenhouse, if you will.”

Dean Martin:
“When there’s too much carbon dioxide
it blocks out all the..”

Carl Sagan:
“Our CO2 concentration
has risen to 350 parts per million
mostly due to the fossil fuel,
consumption and horizon other trace gases.”

Dean Martin:
“Methane, nitrogen oxide
and cho-based molecules..”

Carl Sagan: [ interrupting ] Excuse me, Dean. Dean, that’s not “cho”, that’s “C-H-O-H”, a base molecule for all chlorofloral carbons. I wish you’d shown up for rehearsal.

Dean Martin: Well, it sure looks like “cho” to me, Professor! [ laughs ]

Carl Sagan: Well, perhaps we should simply proceed to the final refrain.

Dean Martin: Oh, lead the way!

Together: “‘Cause you just can’t tell it’s Christmas anywhere!!”

Carl Sagan: Thank you. Dean, join me as we examine Christmas in an artificially-warmed envorimnoent.

Dean Martin: Oh now, hold on there, Einstein! Where’s all the snow?

Carl Sagan: Well, Dean, if you’d paid attention to the lyrics you just sang, you’d realize that in a greenhouse climate, the chief precipitant would be rain.

Dean Martin: Ooh, that ain’t right!

Carl Sagan: Cheer up, Dino. Let’s decorate the greenhouse-affected Christmas tree, shall we? [ they walk over to a group of kids and Sally Struthers decorating a two-foot tall Christmas tree ] Believe it or not, Dean, you’re looking at the world’s largest Christmas tree in our new twisted eco-system.

Dean Martin: Ooh now, that’s so upsetting!

Carl Sagan: And look who’s here trimming the tree. It’s Archie Bunker’s daughter, Sally Struthers. Welcome, Sally.

Sally Struthers: [ visibly upset ] Carl, can I say something?

Carl Sagan: Please.

[ close-up of Sally’s tear-streaked face ]

Sally Struthers: We can’t allow this to happen.. Won’t you please, please send money.. to wherever.. money is sent.. to fix.. this terrible.. tree thing.. Please..!

Carl Sagan: Thank you, Sally. Thank you. So you see, folks, if the poles continue to melt as they are, we’ll all be in hot water! [ chuckles at his inane joke ]

Dean Martin: Well, now, what about the folks like me, who already live in the desert?

Carl Sagan: Dean, the mean temperature in Las Vegas will one day rise to 156 degrees, making it uninhabitable and rendering such landmarks as the Aladdin Hotel stark monuments to an age of self-indulgence.

Dean Martin: Ooh, well what about Tahoe?

Carl Sagan: It’ll be fine. Now, here to sing a Yuletide classic, Crystal Gayle and popular science fiction writer Isaac Asimov.

[ Crystal Gayle and Isaac Asimov enter, singing ]

Crystal Gayle: Pretty sidewalks

Isaac Asimov: In the air, there’s a feeling

Crystal Gayle: Silver bells

Isaac Asimov: Tiny silver bells

Crystal Gayle: Silver bells

Isaac Asimov: Tiny silver bells

Crystal Gayle: It’s Christmas time in the city!

[ Carl throws red paint onto Crystal’s fur coat ]

Crystal Gayle: [ outraged ] Wha-? Hey! What’s this?

Carl Sagan: I’m sorry, Crystal. I realize that global warming is the theme of this special. However, fur is indeed murder!

Crystal Gayle: You got paint in my hair, you nerd! God!

Carl Sagan: Now, then, it’s time for the traditional gift exchange. And look who’s joined us. Former Beatle Paul McCartney and his wife, Linda.

Paul McCartney: Well, we just thought we’d drop by and do our part, ’cause you know, it’s global warming, it’s madness! You know, it’s killing us! You know, thec other day I said to Linda, “We’re losing the bloody planet!” And after the planet, what have you got? You can’t live in the sky or in the sun! There’s nowhere to stand! you know, you’d just be falling all the time, and then what have you got? I mean, think about it, you know? You could bring a chair, so that you could have a sit. But if you think that chair’s not gonna fall, you’d be bloody wrong. ‘Cause it will, and then what have you got? You’re right back where you started, standing in the sun without a chair.

Carl Sagan: Thank you, Paul.

Paul McCartney: It’s bloody madness!

Dean Martin: [ interrupting ] Aw, let’s open the presents, Ringo!

Carl Sagan: Very well, Dean. But remember, these gifts have been altered by our environmental neglect.

Dean Martin: Oh yeah, yeah. You sound like a broken record! Now, which one is mine?

Carl Sagan: [ hands Dean a present ] Okay, here you go, Dean. It’s peanut brittle.

Dean Martin: [ excited ] Oh, man, I loves the peanut brittle now.. [ reaches into the box to find a sticky mess ] Oh, wait, hey, hey, what’s going on here now?

Carl Sagan: In the atmosphere greenhouse of tomorrow, molasses-based candies will liquify, even on the mildest days.

Dean Martin: Hmm..

Paul McCartney: It’s madness, I tell you!

Sally Struthers: [ sobbing ] People, we can’t let this happen..!

Dean Martin: [ eating his peanut brittle anyway ] Mmm, well, it’s not bad! [ wipes off his sticky peanut butter fingers in Crystal Gayle’s hair ]

Crystal Gayle: [ annoyed ] What are you doing?! What are you doing?!

Dean Martin: Oh.. sorry..

Carl Sagan: Okay, everybody, we’ve had some fun, but now it’s time for a special Christmas message from our guest, Mr. George Hamilton.

[ dissolve to George Hamilton’s pre-taped message ]

George Hamilton: Hello, everyone. Does my tan frighten you? Perhaps, it should. What you’re looking at is the tan of the future. Unless America changes it ways, when I look at a knockout babe like Dyan Cannon, and I see the ravages that ozone depletion has wrought on her leathery, flaking skin, I think, “My God, what have these fools done?” For those of my generation – for John Derek, for Bob Guccione – it may be too late. But who will speak for the Rob Lowes? For the Chad Lowes? For the Lorenzo Lamas’? Or the two Coreys? What kind of tan can they expect? Certainly not a healthy, golden tan. Not even a tawny bronze. The best they can hope for is a light cocoa. Think about that this Christmas.

[ dissolve back to Carl Sagan standing next to Ralph Nader in the Christmas village ]

Carl Sagan: Now, we will enjoy a rendition of “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas”, by my colleague Ralph Nader.

[ drunken Dean Martin rushes into the scene ]

Dean Martin: Oh now, alright boy, alright, that’s very nice! Now, you’re a nice fella, but we all get the idea! Now, let’s do a real Christmas show! Ladies and gentlemen, The Vogue Gold Diggers!

[ Vogue Gold Diggers dance into the Christmas village ]

Dean Martin: Mr. Dom DeLuise!

[ Dom DeLuise enters, tosses a rubber chicken and blows a kiss to the audience ]

Dean Martin: Miss Petula Clark!

[ Petula Clark runs into the Christmas village ]

Dean Martin: [ to Carl Sagan, pleased ] Well, now, boy.. boy, what did you think there?

Carl Sagan: Interesting. It harks back to a time when Christmas specials were wasteful and excessive.

Dean Martin: Oh, that’s right. [ to one of the Vogue Gold Diggers ] Oh, Lydia? Take care of my friend here.

[ Lydia hugs Carl ]

Carl Sagan: Thank you, Dean!

Dean Martin: Don’t mention it. We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Game Beaters

Game Beaters

Mr. Short-Term Memory…..Tom Hanks
Host…..Phil Hartman
Susan Carlisle…..Victoria Jackson
…..Tony Randall

[ Shot : Game Beaters game show sets ]

V/O Announcer : It’s time once again for Game Beaters, here’s your host, Witt Trildy!

Host : Hello everybody! Hello contestants! Thank you! Thank you! We’ve got a lot of prizes to win so let’s dive right into our first question. Hands over buzzers please. “Who was the only American President to serve two non-consecutive terms?”

[ Jeff hits his buzzer]

Host : Jeff!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Yes!

Host : Don’t you have an answer?

Mr. Short-Term Memory : We, I will just as soon as I hear a question!

[Mister Short-Term Memory title card appears. SUPER: Mister Short-Term Memory]

Jingle: “Mr. Short-Term Memory.
He shouldn’t have stood under that pear tree.
Now there’s just no remedy.
He’ll frustrate you so
But he’ll never know.
‘Cause he’s Mr. Short-Term Memory.”

[ Title card reads: “Tonight’s episode: “THE GAME SHOW ” ]

V/O : Tonight’s episode: “THE GAME SHOW “

[ Shot : Back to Game Beaters game show sets ]

Host : Okay, we’ll get back to our questions in a minute but first let’s meet our contestants

Mr. Short-Term Memory : I’m Jeff Morrow from San Bernardino, California

Host : Beautiful weather up there!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Up where?

Host : S-San Bernardino.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Hey I’m from San Bernardino! I’m from there! You should visit up there sometime the weather there is lovely.

Host : … Okay! And your opponent?

Susan Carlisle : Susan Carlisle from Reading, Pennsylvania!

Host : Welcome Susan

Mr. Short-Term Memory : And I’m Jeff Morrow from San Bernardino, California

Host : … Alright! Well let’s go back and try that question again : “Who was the only President to serve two non-consecutive terms?”

[ Jeff hits his buzzer ]

Host : Okay, Jeff what’s your answer?

Mr. Short-Term Memory : To what?

Host : The question! Can you answer the question?

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Why you giving me the third degree, I didn’t do anything?

Host : Jeff your on Game Beaters here, you’re a contestant.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : I am? Oh my God! Yes! Ha-Ha! Alright! Alright! Ha-Ha Ha-Haaa Ha-Haaaa.. Alright let’s star! the game! Witt!

Host : …Uh… Welcome to the game Jeff! We’ve uh… changed the format a bit. We don’t play the buzzer round anymore and we’re gonna go right to the elimination question.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Wow that’s a quick game!

Host :  Yes, yes it is. Contestants! Get ready to write down your answer to this question: “What country gave us the Statue of Liberty?”

[ 5 seconds pause, contestants write their answers, then a bell rings ]

Host : Okay, now we’re rolling! Jeff what’s the answer?

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Well, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to disqualify myself as someone has already written “France” on my card. Could I possibly get a fresh one? I mean this is a network show isn’t it?

Host : No “France” is correct. Susan what’s your answer?

Susan Carlisle : Uh, I wrote “Canada”

Host : [ rolls his eyes ] Great!… Well Jeff, that’s makes you our champion so you get to stay and keep playing.

Susan Carlisle : I’m sorry [ leaves the set ]

Host : Just- Just go!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Hey where is she going? You haven’t even asked us a question yet!

Host :…Jeff we’ve changed our format a bit, instead of playing the game we’re just gonna declare you the champion and give you one thousand dollars.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Wow! Ha-Haaa!

Host : Here’s today’s showcase, spend your thousand on whatever you want.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Oh Cool um, I–I’ll take the color TV for 300.

Host : Alright that leaves you with 700.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : And let’s see, uh, I’ll take the color TV for 300.

Host : … Fine, that leaves you with 400.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Oh! A color TV! I need one of those!

Host : … And the final hundred will carry over! And now it’s time for the celebrity Lightning round, so Jeff meet your celebrity partner, mister Tony Randall!

[Tony Randall enters the set ]

Tony Randall : [ to the crowd ] Thank you! Thank you!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Wow! Wow! Oh! I can’t- I don’t- I don’t’ know, I don’t know how-! Tony Randall! I am a big fan of yours!

Tony Randall : Nice to meet you Jeff.

Host : Okay Gentlemen you know the rules! Jeff will give the clues and Tony will receive.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : [ turns to Tony again ] Wow! Tony Randall! Hey! I am a big fan of yours!

Tony Randall : Good. Good.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : [ picks a fresh card ] Oh, could I have your autograph please- please- please- please- please- please- please- please- please- please-

Tony Randall : Now?

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Yes! Yes! please- please- please- please- please- please- [ hands him the card ]

Tony Randall : [ writes his autograph, then gives the card back ] Here you go!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : [ looks at the card ] What is this? “Tony Randall”? What you just hand these out to people you meet? That’s a little sad.

Tony Randall : You just asked me for it! You begged!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Wha- [ turns to Tony again] Tony Randall!

Host : Okay just.. just deal with him, Tony okay? Alright Jeff ten clues for 45 seconds and if you get them all Jeff you will go home with 10 thousand dollars.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Oh, great! I really need a color TV.

Host : Alright just let’s get started GO!

[ SUPER : countdown 45 seconds ]

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Okay um, okay uh, You- you- you- you slip these on- on your feet uh…

Tony Randall : Sock!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Yes! Okay, okay Boy! Okay These- these- you- you- you- pull on over your feet and- and- and- you- you- pull–

Tony Randall : Socks! We just got them!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Okay! Okay! Alright um, alright, you- you- wear these on your feet and uh-

Tony Randall : Hey we’ve got that one already go on!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Hey! Are you Tony Randall?

Tony Randall : Of course I am!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Oh could I have your autograph please- please- please- please- please- please- please- please-

Tony Randall : NO!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Well, somebody is not as big as a star as they think they are.

Tony Randall : Witt are you listening to this?

Host : Just play the game Jeff you only have a few seconds left now come on!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : A few seconds? Everyone else gets a minute!

Tony Randall : Come on give me a clue!

[ Buzzer rings end of lightning round ]

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Alright, alright, okay. These, you put on over your feet and—

Host : Alright I’m sorry, you’re time’s up.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Oh nice going it was “Sock” you brainiac!

Host : Ah Jeff that’s all the time we have here for today but don’t worry we’ll be back tomorrow to defend your title and pair up with Tony again, right Tony?

Tony Randall : Just a moment please… Hello… I’m Tony Randall.

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Tony Randall!!!

Tony Randall : Yes! And you’re Jeff Morrow aren’t you!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Yeah! Yeah! I am! But how did you know that?

Tony Randall : Oh I know a lot of things about you. I know you’re from San Bernardino!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Yeah! I am!

Tony Randall : And I also know that you’re life is in great danger, and that you must leave the country as fast as possible!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Oh no! You sure?

Tony Randall : Oh yes I’m sure! I also know that you’re from San Bernardino!

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Hey! I am! Wow! I’ve got to get out of here! Thanks! [ leaves the set ]

Host : That was brilliant! I don’t know what to say!

Tony Randall : Well stay trainee you know you’ll learn a thing on your feet. Once when I was playing M. Butterfly, a women stood up in the audience and exposed herself-

Mr. Short-Term Memory : Hey! Did I hear Tony Randall, I did! I’m a big fan of yours! Can I get your autograph please- please- please- please- please- please-

[Mister Short-Term Memory title card appears. SUPER: Mister Short-Term Memory]

Jingle: “He’ll win you yet
And then he’ll forget
That he’s Mr. Short-Term Memory.”

[ Fade out ]

Thanks to P-Y for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Tom Hanks: 12/08/90


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 8th, 1990

Tom Hanks

Edie Brickell & New Bohemians

Paul Simon

Steve Martin

Elliott Gould

Jon Lovitz

Ralph Nader

Tony Randall

  • Mr. Subliminal

    Recurring Characters: Mr. Subliminal.

  • Tom Hanks’ Monologue

  • Unpleasant Stimuli

  • Game Beaters

    Recurring Characters: Mr. Short-Term Memory.

  • Edie Brickell & New Bohemians performs “Woyaho”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

    Recurring Characters: Dennis Miller, Dennis Miller.

  • The Global Warming Christmas Special

  • P. Whipped

  • Sabra Shopping Network

  • Edie Brickell & New Bohemians performs “He Said”

  • Double-Takes

  • A. Whitney Brown’s Christmas Tale

    SNL Transcripts

    • SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 12/01/90: Wayne’s World



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 16: Episode 7










    90g: John Goodman / Faith No More

    Wayne’s World

    Wayne…..Mike Myers
    Garth…..Dana Carvey
    Police Chief Wilson…..John Goodman

    [ open on Cable 10 page ]

    Announcer: You are watching Cable 10, Aurora, Illinois community access channel.

    [ dissolve to the “Wayne’s World” temporary studio in Garth Algar’s living room, as the animated “Wayne’s World” logo appears onscreen ]

    Wayne: [ singing, as he jams on his guitar ] “Wayne’s World!! Wayne’s World!! Party Time! Excellent!!”

    Garth: Alright! Excellent! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your host — Wayne Campbell!

    Wayne: Partyyyyyyyy!! Party hearty! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, it’s time to party! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.

    Garth: Party on, Wayne!

    Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay! Alright! We’ve got a very special “Wayne’s World” this week. [ Garty pots up music ] “Wayne’s World… After Hours”! [ revamped logo appears on screen, as Wayne and Garth motion their arms ] Where ANYTHING goes! Okay!

    Garth: Alright! [ motions his arms once more ] Excellent thing we did!

    Wayne: Talkin’ about it! [ serious ] Alright, this week, because of the new NC-17 decision, we look at movies and videos with more of an… adult theme. My mom would never let me do this show out of the basement — right? So, that’s why we’re here at Garth’s house — ’cause Garth’s parents don’t have those hang-ups, and, besides, they’ve gone to the Aurora Merchants Association’s Monte Carlo Night, and they won’t be back until later.

    Garth: [ nervous ] Yeah, but, Wayne, hurry up — what if they came home early, man? Whoa-oa!

    Wayne: Alright! Relax, Garth, alright? Take your ritilin! Okay! This week on… [ they motion with their arms again ] “Wayne’s World After Hours”, we’ll be looking at three adult selections: “Bright Lights, Big Titties” — [ they bounce with excitement ] starring Tori Wells; “Field of Reams” — [ they bounce with excitement ] starring Seka; and… and Madonna’s new video, that M-TV won’t play ’cause it’s too hot — [ he licks his finger touches it to the air in front of him ] Ssssss… ahhhhh!

    Okay! Before I begin, Garth, you know, I never noticed before, but, your house smells great.

    Garth: Thanks, Wayne!

    Wayne: Well, you know — you know how some people’s houses, they have that smell? You know, like beef-vegetable soup mix?

    Garth: Yeah! Gag me, man! You know they haven’t had beef-vegetable soup in ye-e-ears!

    Wayne: Yeah! Exactly. And your house doesn’t suffer from “soup whiff”. You know? Instead, it’s a tasteful malange of pine and potpourri! [ he laughs, as Garth shrugs his shoulders ] But I digress! [ faces the cmaera ] Unnecessary Zoom!

    [ the camera quickly zooms in upon Wayne and Garth’s faces, as they scream for the close-up. Afterwards, they high-five and shout “Excellent!” ]

    Wayne: We’re on fire! so, now we’re gonna show Madonna’s new video, “Justify My Love”. Alright? So, those of you who get easily horned-out… alright? [ he laughs ] Those horn-dogs amongst you — leave the room, okay? ‘Cause Madonna is… such… a babe! She’d give a dog a bone!

    [ Wayne and Garth stomp their feet upon the floor, as Wayne grabs a remote control ]

    Wayne: Alright! Alright — [ he continues to enjoy his joke ] Alright, roll it! roll it!

    [ Wayne presses the remote control and turns the television on. The images appear on the television screen ]

    Wayne’s Voice: Okay, here’s — where is she? Okay.[ close-up of the video on the television screen ]

    Wayne’s Voice: Okay, here’s Madonna, right?

    Garth’s Voice: Right.

    Wayne’s Voice: She’s just checked into a hotel, right?

    Garth’s Voice: Right.

    Wayne’s Voice: There she is, a bizarre Felinni-esque Holiday Inn, with no bellboys. Whoa! It looks like she’s got a headache, or something — she should take a couple of Tylenol. Right? She’s walking… she just put some fingerprints on the wall — I do that, I —

    [ the door opens on the video, revealing the silhoette of a dancing man ]

    Wayne’s Voice: What — then, there’s this guy —

    [ cut back to Madonna in the hallway ]

    Wayne’s Voice: Okay. Here she is — wow, what a headache she must have, man! Whoa!

    [ cut to a random shot of some guy ]

    Wayne’s Voice: There’s Prince!!

    [ cut back to Madonna in the hallway ]

    Wayne’s Voice: Alright, I told you. Now she’s rubbing her nack, and now —

    [ the shape of a man appears in the distance ]

    Wayne’s Voice: Is that the “Three Men and a Baby” boy?! No. now she’s rubbing her chest, alright? And here comes — it’s that guy! Who’s this guy? You want to know. Who is this guy? He’s walking, he’s — I — who is it? He’s look — his legs — and then —

    [ Madonna bends her body along the wall, revealing gartered stockings ]

    Wayne’s Voice: Look!! You can see her gatch!! Yuo can see her gatch!!

    [ cut back to Wayne and Garth watching the video in Garth’s living room ]

    Garth: Oh, man!

    Wayne: Oh, my God!! She’s PAWING at herself!!

    Garth: Ewww!!

    Wayne: She’s having a paw! I can’t believe it! Down there, man!

    Garth: Oh, man! I feel funny, like when you climb a rope in gym class!

    [ Wayne stands at position ]

    Wayne: Schwing!

    Garth: Oh!

    Wayne: Schwing!

    [ cut back to the video — Madonna and the guy kissing ]

    Wayne’s Voice: Okay, now let’s get back to this, okay? Alright, it’s out of focus — focus! Focus! Alright, now there’s a long shot of his hand — good hand! Great hand. Shyeah! Alright.

    [ cut to some other guy having his way with some other woman ]

    Wayne’s Voice: And then, there’s some guy with a chick — HELLO!! Right?

    [ cut to close-up of a woman’s face ]

    Wayne’s Voice: And, then — oh my God! Look at that! Some — some girl… I don’t know.

    [ cut back to the silhoette of a dancing man with a bulge ]

    Wayne’s Voice: And, look — there’s some guy! How weird — he looks like a snake or something. He’s doing some — look at the UNIT on that guy!! Look at that!! Major unit!!

    [ cut to Madonna lying across a bed ]

    Wayne’s Voice: I can’t — okay, now she’s on the bed —

    Police Chief wilson’s Voice: Okay, boys! Show’s over!

    [ cut to Police Chief Wilson walking through Garth’s living room ]

    Wayne: Oh, man!! It’s Police Chief Mark Wilson. I thought I smelled bacon!

    Garth: [ freaking ] Oh, no! Oh, no! You’re gonna tell my parents, and I’m gonna be grounded FOREVER, man!! I — I — I think I’m gonna hurl!!

    Wayne: Alright, alright! Resist that, man! Hey, hold on! Do not — do not blow chunks, man! Understand? Your house is gonna have “hurl whiff”, okay?

    [ Garth manages to hold it in ]

    Police Chief wilson: Look, Garth — I’m not gonna tell your parents. It’s just that I got a call that you’re showing the Madonna video, and I’m gonna have to shut you down!

    Wayne: This is censorship, man!!

    Police Chief wilson: Now, Wayne! I’m a cop — I got a job! It’s not a question of — [ his eyes fall upon the television screen ] Whoa-oa!! Look at that side move! Is that a man necking with a woman? I can’t believe they’re showing that!

    Wayne: [ to the camera ] Well… it looks like we gotta go, alright? So we’re not gonna be able to get to “Field of Reams” or “Bright Lights, Big Titties”, but, uh —

    Police Chief wilson: [ still staring intently at the television screen ] Oh, my God…

    Garth: Aw, tongues and everything, dude!

    Police Chief wilson: Oh, my God..! That guy dancing — look at the unit on HIM!!

    Wayne: Alright, that’s all the time we have for this week, okay? Until then: party on, Garth!

    Garth: Party on, Wayne!

    Together: [ singing ] “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! Party time! Excellent!”

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Player-With-Yourselves-Club


    Player-With-Yourselves-Club

    Telly Savalas…..Phil Hartman


    Telly Savalas: Hi! I’m Telly Savalas. And if you’re like me, you like to be near the action. And when there isn’t any action, then you gotta make your own. And, baby, that’s when you need to join.. [holds up card ] ..the Player-With-Yourselves Club. That’s right, baby! The Player-With-Yourselves Club card entitles you to masturbation privileges at hotels all over the world. In cities like Milan, Paris, and Monte Carlo.

    Just flash the card, and you’ll get the kind of perks reserved for players only!

    Like unlimited Kleenex! I’m talking two-ply, baby!

    Custom-made squeak-free beds, and extra-large “Do Not Disturb” signs.

    Plus: access to an international library of skin magazines, and all the latest videotapes cued up to the good parts, baby! ‘Cause players don’t have time to fast-forward!

    And you don’t have to stay overnight, pal. With the Player-With-Yourselves card, you can book a room for stays as short as fifteen minutes. In and out, baby, ’cause you gotta fly!

    So, what are you waiting for? Take it from Telly – this card opens a lot of doors! Well, I gotta go. I have a date with a Marilyn Chambers classic. [ kisses videotape ] Oh, yeah.. ohhhh, yeah!!

    Announcer: The Players-With-Yourselves Club Card. Teenagers eligible, except in Florida.

    Telly Savalas: Who loves yourself, baby?

    SNL Transcripts

    The McLaughlin Group

    The McLaughlin Group

    John McLaughlin…..Dana Carvey
    Jack Germonde…..John Goodman
    Pat Buchanan…..Phil Hartman
    Eleanor Clift…..Jan Hooks
    Morton Kondracke…..Kevin Nealon

    Announcer: From the nation’s capital, “The McLaughlin Group”, anunrehearsed, hastily assembled program presenting inside opinions andforecasts on major issues of today. With Jack Germonde of the Baltimore Sun, syndicated columnists Pat Buchanan and Eleanor Clift, and Morton Kondracke of the New Republic. Now, here’s the moderator, John McLaughlin.

    John McLaughlin: Issue number 1: the commander-in-chief in Mexico. Bush wants a free trade agreement, what does President Salinas want? Pat Buchanan!

    Pat Buchanan: John, Salinas is playing up his recent economic success and steering his..

    John McLaughlin: Jack Germonde!

    Jack Germonde: I don’t think it’s so much what Salinas wants, it’s what..

    John McLaughlin: Eleanor Clift!

    Eleanor Clift: John, this is just another case of President Bushtrying to push a policy..

    Pat Buchanan: I’m not sure Bush has a policy..

    John McLaughlin: Excuse me Pat, I believe Eleanor has the floor.

    Eleanor Clift: Thanks, John. The hard truth is that Bush needs Salinas more than Salinas..

    John McLaughlin: Morton Kondracke!

    Morton Kondracke: I think this agreement talk is basically a..

    John McLaughlin: Wrong! There will be a free trade agreement; it will take place within one year. Issue number 2: Maggie out, Major in. The new British prime minister, some believe he’s a Thatcher clone. Will he carry out her policies? Jack Germonde!

    Jack Germonde: Well, Thatcherites are privately rejoicing..

    John McLaughlin: Wrong Mortone.

    Morton Kondracke: See, Thatcher endorsed..

    John McLaughlin: Wrong! On a scale of 1 to 14, 1 being lowest degree of unlikelihood, 14 being absolute metaphysical certitude, what are the chances of Major continuing Thatcher’s alliance with Bush, vis-a-vis the Iraqis? Eleanor Clift!

    Eleanor Clift: I’d say about a 12.

    John McLaughlin: Pat Buchanan!

    Pat Buchanan: Hold it, 14 is most likely?

    John McLaughlin: Yes.

    Pat Buchanan: I would have to say about a 9.

    John McLaughlin: Jack Germonde!

    Jack Germonde: Lower, like 5.

    John McLaughlin: Mortone!

    Morton Kondracke: 8!

    John McLaughlin: Wrong! The actual degree of likelihood is 6.5. Issue number 3: life after death. Some pundits say it doesn’t exist. Theologians disagree. Is there an afterlife? Jack Germonde!

    Jack Germonde: I.. uh.. really don’t know.

    John McLaughlin: Mortone!

    Morton Kondracke: Well, it’s not my field..

    John McLaughlin: Pat Buchanan!

    Pat Buchanan: I’d like to believe, but it’s not..

    John McLaughlin: Wrong! There is life after death. The soul does not ascend to heaven but rather rests in a limbo state that varies depending on the karma of the spirit. Issue number 4: Intellegent beings on other planets, yes or no? Pat Buchanan!

    Pat Buchanan: I would think so.

    John McLaughlin: Eleanor Clift!

    Eleanor Clift: Don’t know.

    John McLaughlin: Jack Germonde!

    Jack Germonde: Me, either.

    John McLaughlin: Mortontown!

    Morton Kondracke: Well, no one really knows..

    John McLaughlin: Wrong! There is intellegent life in the 11th galaxy on the planet Neptar, which will conquer Earth in the year 5482, utilizing us for slave labor in their Chellonian salt mines. Issue number 5: what number am I thinking of? Pat Buchanan!

    Pat Buchanan: Geez, uh, 82?

    John McLaughlin: Wrong! Eleanor Clift!

    Eleanor Clift: Is it between 1 and..

    John McLaughlin: Don’t skirt the issue!

    Eleanor Clift: Uh.. 40!

    John McLaughlin: Wrong! Mortontyne!

    Morton Kondracke: 212?

    John McLaughlin: Wrong! Jackareeno!

    Jack Germonde: 2?

    John McLaughlin: Wrong! The correct answer is 134. 134. Issue number 6: what did you have for breakfast today? Eleanor!

    Eleanor Clift: Some cantaloupe.

    John McLaughlin: Mortontown, USA!

    Morton Kondracke: I had poached eggs and toast.

    John McLaughlin: Jack Germondo!

    Jack Germonde: Bacon and eggs.

    John McLaughlin: Patty-Patty-Puke-Puke!

    Pat Buchanan: I’m thinking waffles, maybe a little..

    John McLaughlin: Wrong! You all had Special K with banana. Issue number 7: what is issue number 14 going to be? Some say it will deal with economic matter, others believe it will involve Germany. Morteeny-tiny-tabletop!

    Morton Kondracke: Acid rain?

    John McLaughlin: Wrong! Eleanor-gee-I-think-you’re-swelleanor!

    Eleanor Clift: I have.. no idea..

    John McLaughlin: Wrong! You know quite well, you’re just shy. Mondo-jackalo-gee-mon-mania-jack..

    Jack Germonde: Well, it might be..

    John McLaughlin: I’m not finished with your name,Germonacle-jack-o-lantern-gee-gi-jummy-jummy-jammy-mayhem!

    Jack Germonde: You’re insane, John!

    John McLaughlin: Wrong! I’m perfectly sane. Everyone else, however, is insane and trying to steal my magic bag. St. Patrick of Buchananomics!

    Pat Buchanan: I think I’m gonna leave, John.

    John McLaughlin: Wrong! You can’t leave; all the doors are locked from the outside. Next issue! What motivates me? Why do I conduct my show in this manner? Mondo!

    Jack Germonde: You’re a jerk?

    John McLaughlin: Eleanor!

    Eleanor Clift: Really large ego?

    John McLaughlin: Wrong! I was neglected by my parents and Iovercompensate to shadow my feeling that I have an inadequate intellect. Next issue!

    Morton Kondracke: So, you didn’t know your parents very well?

    John McLaughlin: Wrong!

    Morton Kondracke: Wrong?

    John McLaughlin: Wrong!

    Morton Kondracke: Right?

    John McLaughlin: Wrong! Next week: the S&L probe continues. Is my money in a savings and loan? If so, what’s my account number? Bye-bye! [ theme music plays; superimposed title appears; McLaughlin points around ] Wrong! No! I told you, no..

    [ fade to black ]

    Thanks to Rob Holtmanfor this transcript.

    Jagger Ties The Knot


    Jagger Ties The Knot

    Priest…..Kevin Nealon
    Mick Jagger…..Mike Myers
    Keith Richards…..Dana Carvey


    [ Music Intro: “Satisfaction”, “Rolling Stones” ]

    [ show newspaper with headline, “Jagger Finally Ties The Knot” ]

    [ dissolve to Bali ]

    [ SUPER: “Bali” ]

    [ dissolve to interior, church waiting room, where Mick Jagger stands waiting with Keith Richards ]

    Priest: We’ll be ready in a few minutes, Mr. Jagger.

    Mick Jagger: Thank you, Father. [ Priest exits ] Wow! I can’t believe it’s finally happening, Keith!

    Keith Richards: [ puffing on an endless cigarette ] Yeah. You’re finally tying the knot. Yeah. [ chuckles ] Hey! You and Jerry taking the plunge, eh?

    Mick Jagger: Well, she’s a great girl, Keith, what can I say? I met a girl who just swept me off of my feet, I’m flying!

    Keith Richards: Hey, who’d’ve thought Mick Jagger, a married man? You know, I always figured you like the playboy type, right? [ laughs, choking on his cigarette ]

    Mick Jagger: I liked it, alright. But now I’m just so in love. She’s gonna be Mrs. Jerry Jagger!

    Keith Richards: Oh, you got your head in the clouds, boy.

    Mick Jagger: [ laughs ] Keith. Here’s a little something for ya’, mate. [ hands Keith a small box ]

    Keith Richards: Oh, no-

    Mick Jagger: It’s for everybody in me wedding party.

    Keith Richards: [ takes the box and opens it ]

    Mick Jagger: I might as well tell you – it’s a travel alarm clock.

    Keith Richards: Well, thanks, mate. That’s awfully nice of you. [ Mick is suddenly stiff ] Hey, Mick, what’s the matter?

    Mick Jagger: Keith, I’m scared.

    Keith Richards: About the wedding night? I mean, you’ve been, you know, you’ve been courting Jerry for twelve years, you know. All that tension built up.

    Mick Jagger: What do I do, Keith? I mean.. what’s it like?

    Keith Richards: [ chuckles ] Aw, it’s like the most beautiful night of your life.

    Mick Jagger: But I’ll be so nervous!

    Keith Richards: Well, look, you’ll both be nervous. But, then, you remember that you love each other, you know, and that you trust each other, and that you’ve had two kids together.

    Mick Jagger: Yeah, righ.. yeah, right. But I don’t know, Keith. I’m afraid I won’t measure up to all the other nights we’ve slept together. Or to those videos of me having sex with other peo-ple.

    Keith Richards: You gotta start worrying, because whateverh appens is gonna be alright, you know? I mean, ’cause you’ll be together, you know, holding each other like you’re one person. It’s the most beautiful feeling, you know. It’s hard to describe, really, partly because I’m drunk. But trust me, mate, trust me.

    Mick Jagger: Something else that’s strange, Keith – you know, once I marry Jerry, I’m not allowed to sleep with nay other women.

    Keith Richards: I know.

    Mick Jagger: Or man.

    Keith Richards: I know, mate, I know.

    Mick Jagger: What’s that like?

    Keith Richards: Well, you know, it worries you at first, you know, right? But then you realize it’s worth it for other things. I mean, like, you get a warm feeling when you’re at the studio, and you’ve been working hard all day, and you get a call, and it’s her. And you ask her, “Who?” You know, because you’re not sure. You don’t remember. But then, you have a guy that you pay, who reminds you who everyone is, and he tells you it’s your wife, your soulmate, your friend-for-life, and it just feels great.

    Mick Jagger: Wow!

    Keith Richards: Besides, there’s no law.. [ coughing ] ..no law that says you can’t still take a look, eh! [ laughing ]

    Mick Jagger: Keith, you devil!

    [ Priest walks back up ]

    Priest: Mr. Jagger? We’re ready.

    Mick Jagger: Okay. [ turns to Keith, does the rooster neck to psyche himself up ] How do I look?

    Keith Richards: Dressed to kill, chap, dressed to kill. Good luck to you.

    Mick Jagger: Alright, see you inside, Keith!

    Keith Richards: Right. Right.

    [ Mick enters the reception area, while Keith stands behind. Camera tightens in on Keith’s face, where we see tears streaming down his face as he continues to smoke his cigarette. ]

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 12/01/90


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:
    December 1st, 1990

    John Goodman

    Faith No More

    None

  • Church Chat

    Recurring Characters: Church Lady, Saddam Hussein.

  • John Goodman’s Monologue

  • Bad Idea Jeans

    (Repeat) See: 09/29/90.

  • Annoying Traits

  • Jagger Ties The Knot

    Recurring Characters: Mick Jagger, Keith Richards.

  • Player-With-Yourselves-Club

  • Faith No More performs “Epic”

  • The McLaughlin Group

    Recurring Characters: John McLaughlin, Pat Buchanan.

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • Food Chewing

  • Wayne’s World

    Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.

  • Faith No More performs “From Out of Nowhere”

  • Davy Crockett & Son

  • It’s Pat

    Recurring Characters: Pat.

    SNL Transcripts

    • Nikey Turkey

    Nikey Turkey

    Spokesperson…..Chris Rock


    [ open on a spray-painted kitchen scene, with family at table – rapper guys and rapper girls enter through door and window ]

    Spokesperson: [ singing ]
    “Holiday time, everyone, every brother
    Shows up for dinner with my father and mother
    Family at the table getting crazy and loud,
    Saying..”

    Grandmother at table: “Ain’t enough turkey to feed this crowd!

    Family at table: The bird’s too small
    To feed us all!”

    [ turkey is revealed to have a pump on it, like a sneaker. Spokespersonpumps up the turkey. ]

    Spokesperson: “But yo mamma says pump it!
    Pump it up now!
    Pump it!”

    Rapper guys: “Get a Nikey Turkey and pump it!”

    Rapper girls: “Make it big now!”

    Spokesperson: “Pump it!”

    Rapper girls: Pump it up! Pump it up!

    [ Cut to next scene: Super: “Massachusetts, 1620.” Spray painted sign of Plymouth Rock, then to colonial America scene, Spokesperson and family are dressed as pilgrims, rapper guys and girls are dressed as Indians. ]

    Spokesperson: “The first turkey dinner was 1620
    The pilgrims had it in the land of plenty
    Nothing was chill with the harvest down,
    But the red brother knew he had enough to go around
    He knew to pump it!”

    [ rapper guy pumps up turkey ]

    “Pump it up now!
    Pump the bird!
    Pump it!”

    Rapper girls: “Make it big now!
    Pump it!
    Pump it up! Pump it up!”

    [ back to the kitchen scene, everyone is dressed the same way they werebefore in the kitchen scene. ]

    Spokesperson: “So if your holiday table ain’t looking too full,
    Get a Nikey Turkey-it’s adjustable,
    And pump it!
    Pump it up! Pump it up!”

    Announcer: If it doesn’t say Nikey, it’s not a turkey.

    Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Dennis Hopper: 11/17/90


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:
    November 17th, 1990

    Dennis Hopper

    Paul Simon

    Bert Parks

  • Live With Regis & Kathie Lee

    Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Kathie Lee Gifford.

  • Dennis Hopper’s Monologue

  • Nikey Turkey

  • Toonces Dreams

    Recurring Characters: Toonces the Cat.

  • Inflatable Dolls

  • Paul Simon performs “The Obvious Child”

  • Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

  • Liaison Mocking

  • The Civil War

  • Paul Simon performs “Proof”

  • What Animal Were You Raised By?

  • Schillervision

  • Stan Duffy’s Gambling To Win

  • Paul Simon performs “Late in the Evening”

    SNL Transcripts