SNL Tonight

Nightline

Renee Becker…..Victoria Jackson
Sgt. Jimmy Becker…..Joe Mantegna
Ted Koppel…..Dana Carvey
Art…..Mike Myers
Aunt Rose…..
Dad…..Phil Hartman
Bob…..Chris Farley
Grandma…..Julia Sweeney
Dirk…..Tom Davis
Sam Donaldson……Kevin Nealon
Diane Sawyer……Jan Hooks

Renee Becker: Hello, honey?

Sgt. Becker: Hi, honey! You sound great!

Renee Becker: Honey, we love you! And we’re very proud of you!

[ “Nightline” graphics open ]

Ted Koppel: Good evening. I’m Ted Koppel, and thiiiiiis.. is “Nightline”. If war does come to the Middle East, it will not be fought by George Bush or Saddam Hussein. It will be fought by men like Sgt. Jimmy Becker, of Sulphur Srings, Pennsylvania. Sgt. Becker, I know you were married last August, and your honeymoon plans were cut a little short.

Sgt. Becker: Yes!

Ted Koppel: Well, we have your bride, Renee, on a live phone hook-up. and, reNee, Jimmy – the line is now yours.

Renee Becker: Honey? You look great, and.. like I said.. we love you, and we’re really proud of you!

Sgt. Becker: Well, I love you, and, uh.. I appreciate it.

Renee Becker: Well.. here’s Art!

Art: Jimmy, it’s Art!

Sgt. Becker: Hey! Little Brother!

Art: Hey, we love you, and we’re real proud of you!

Sgt. Becker: I love you, too!

Art: Okay. now, I’ll give it back to Renee!

Renee Becker: Hi, honey! It’s me again! I still love you, and I’m still proud of you!

Sgt. Becker: I’m proud of you, too, honey!

Aunt Rose: Jimmy? Hi, this is your Aunt Rose! We love you, and we’re just.. so proud! Here’s your dad!

Dad: Son, I’m proud of ya!

Sgt. Becker: And.. you love me?

Dad: Sure do! I love you! And I’m proud of ya! I’m gonna give you back to Renee.

Renee Becker: Honey, it’s me again! Everyone is just so proud!

Sgt. Becker: I.. know..

Renee Becker: I have a suprrise for you!

Bob: Jim, it’s Bob!

Sgt. Becker: [ excited ] Bob!

Bob: Jim, you look great!

Sgt. Becker: Well, thanks! I wish I could see everybody there.

Bob: Well.. we’re all very proud of you. I’ll give you back to Renee.

Sgt. Becker: [ disappointed ] Uh.. you don’t have to do that, Bob..

Renee Becker: Honey? I miss you.

Sgt. Becker: Yeah.. no more, okay, honey?

Renee Becker: Honey, somebody special came all the way from Tulsa!

Sgt. Becker: Okay.

Grandma: Jimmy, it’s Grandma!

Sgt. Becker: Hi, Grandma!

Grandma: Jimmy, where are you?!

Sgt. Becker: I’m.. I’m in Saudi Arabia, Grandma.

Grandma: Jimmy, can you come over when you have some time, my car is making that same noise again!

Sgt. Becker: Uh.. I’ll try to get somebody to fix that, Grandma..

Grandma: It still drives fine, and everything – of course, I don’t drive that much any more!

Sgt. Becker: [ getting aggravated ] Grandma, put Renee back on.

Grandma: If something happened to that car, I don’t know what I’d do!

Sgt. Becker: Grandma! Put Renee back on! [ Renee attempts to grab the phone from Grandma ] Hello? Hello! What’s going on!

Ted Koppel: Jimmy, excuse me. I believe Renee is trying to get the phone away from Grandma.

Renee Becker: Honey? It’s me again. Don’t worry – Dirk said that he’ll drive out and look at Grandma’s car for her.

Sgt. Becker: Okay.. Well.. you thank Dirk for me.

Renee Becker: Wait, uh.. you can talk to him, he’s right here!

Sgt. Becker: Uh.. uh.. honey! No!

Dirk: Jim! It’s Dirk! Listen, don’t you worry about Grandma’s car. you just take care of yourself over there, we sure wouldn’t want any thing to happen to you, seeing as how we all love you, and, uh.. how proud we all are of you.

Renee Becker: Hi, honey, I’m back! Honey?

Ted Koppel: Sgt. Becker? Sgt. Becker, I don’t mean to interrupt. This is Ted Koppel in Washington. On behalf of all of us at ABC News, I just want to say how very proud we are of you, Sgt. Becker, and how much we all love you.

Sgt. Becker: [ out of it ] Thank you, Ted, I.. love you, too.

Ted Koppel: I’ve got Sam Donaldson here.

Sam Donaldson: Sgt. Becker! Sam Donaldson here! I don’t know if Ted made it clear just how much we at ABC News love you! And it goes without saying that we’re most proud of you and your brave co-horts – whom we also love!

Diane Sawyer: Sgt. Becker? Diane Sawyer. Now, while I can’t say that I love you, because.. well, i’ve never met you-

Sam Donaldson: Oh, come on, Diane! I’ve never met him, and I love him!

Diane Sawyer: Sam, if you would let me finish, I was about to say how proud of him I am.

Sam Donaldson: Oh, I see! It’s all well and good to be proud of our soldiers! But to love them! No, that’s going too far! Come on, Diane, it’s no skin off your back to love the man!

Sgt. Becker: Uh, yeah.. hi. Uh.. is Renee there?

Diane Sawyer: Well, Sam, maybe it’s just that love means something more to me. I mean, I love my husband-

Sam Donaldson: Oh, I get it! Let’s just love Mike Nichols, he’s a big Hollywood director! It’s easy to love him!

Ted Koppel: Sorry, Sam and Diane, but I do want ot get back to Sgt. Becker for some final thoughts. Sgt. Becker?

[ camera shows battle fatigues wrapped around a broom; Sgt. Becker nowhere to be seen ]

Ted Koppel: Apparently, Sgt. Becker has assembled a crude dummy of some sort, and left it in his place. I’m afraid we’re going to have to leave it there. I’m Ted Koppel, and thiiiiis.. is “Nightline”.

SNL Transcripts

Officer Miller

Officer Miller…..Phil Hartman
Billy…..Chris Farley

Jingle:
“He’s concerned and he’s nice, he’s..
Officer Miller!
He gives out free advice, he’s..
Officer Miller!
If you’re down and in doubt
you’ll be glad he’s about
so just give him a shout!
Hey!
Officer Miller!”

Officer Miller: “That’s me!”

[ open on Officer Miller walking up to Billy, who’s sitting on the stoop smoking a cigarette ]

Officer Miller: Hi, Billy!

Billy: Hi, Officer Miller!

Officer Miller: I see you’ve.. started smoking.

Billy: Yes, sir. It kinda makes me feel like one of the oldr guys. Want one?

Officer Miller: No, I keep something else in my pocket, Billy. [ removes pictures from pocket ] Pictures. Wanna see ’em?

Billy: Sure! [ looks at first picture ] Wow.. what’s that?

Officer Miller: That’s a human lung, Billy. A healthy one! Pink, clean, fresh – good enough to eat. [ flips through pictures ] Now, this is a smoker’s lung, Billy. All tar and tumors. Not a pretty sight.

Billy: No.. it isn’t..

Officer Miller: [ flips through the pictures ] Oh. Take a look at this one. This is a guy who had to have his jaw removed. Yeah. He’s a funny-looking sort, isn’t he? Talk about your weak chin!

[ they both laugh, though Billy isn’t too sure sure why he’s laughing with Officer Miller ]

Billy: Whoa, what’s this one?

Officer Miller: Oh, that’s an enlarged prostate, Billy. We’ll talk about that some other time.

Billy: Okay.

Officer Miller: Say, why aren’t you playing ball with your friends today?

Billy: Well.. I got a lot on my mind. My grades.. the Middle East.. Why are we over there, Officer Miller?

Officer Miller: Well, it has something to do with freedom, Billy.

Billy: What is freedom, anyway?

Officer Miller: [ thinking ] I think Kris Kristofferson said it best: “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to do. Nothing ain’t worth nothing, but it’s free.” [ he can see Billy doesn’t draw the connection ] Let me see if I can put it another way. There’s an old Persian proverb that says, “Every man is free to jmp as high as his own penis.”

Billy: [ more confused ] What does that mean?

Officer Miller: How old are you, Billy?

Billy: 14.

Officer Miller: Ah, 14. [ reflects ]

Billy: I guess there’s a lot I don’t understand.

Officer Miller: Well, part of it comes from the fact that you’re at the age we call puberty. Right now, your body is producing enough testosterone to kill a man in his fifties.

Billy: Um.. sometimes.. when I see a woman just walking across the street.. I look at her body, and I just want to JUMP ON HER!! AND CLIMB ALL OVER HER!! UNDRESS HER WITH MY TEETH!! [ moan quietly ]

Officer Miller: [ looking away ] O-kay.. okay.

Billy: I just wish there were some way to tell if women are attracted to me.

Officer Miller: Well, Billy, humans are unlucky in that department. You see, in the rest of the animal kingdom, the female gives off very clear signals that she’s an estress and eager to rot with any available male. It might be a scent, or a particular call, or, in the case of the chukma baboon, the female genitalia becames flared and swollen! It looks like a big, red catcher’s mitt. Unfortunately, humans have to wear clothes. So, any display of swelling or discoloration is hidden.

Billy: Oh.. I see..

Officer Miller: So, the human female has to be a little more subtle. She might show her approval with a smile, or a gesture, or the way she moves her hips when she walks. Turning a means of locomotion into the act of trolling for our attention. Do you know what a “tease” is, Billy?

Billy: I think.. Sherry O’Donnell?

Officer Miller: Exactly. And there are millions just like her. [ chuckles ] You know, society is funny. A man’s not supposed to notice or say anything, he’s just supposed to stand there with a big smile on his face. Stand there, in his thick, scratchy, blue uniform. Maybe he forgot to wear his t-shirt that day, and his nipples are on fire! Because they’ve been rubbed raw against the stiff wool-

Billy: [ jumps up quickly ] Well, I gotta go play ball, Officer Miller-

Officer Miller: Hey, hey! Not so fast, Billy! Let me ask you – what kind of gal are you looking for?

Billy: Ohh.. somebody nice.. soomebody kind.. somebody who will love me for myself.

Officer Miller: [ laughs uproariously ] Oh, Billy. Do you remember the song, “I Want A Girl Just Like The Girl Who Married Dear Old Dad”?

Billy: [ shakes head ] No.

Officer Miller: Well, it’s an old song.

Billy: What do you look for in a woman?

Officer Miller: Well, my mother abandoned me when I was three years old, so.. I look for women who will love me for a little while, and then go away. You know, Billy, I feel the best kind of woman is the one who’s guaranteed to someday not be there.

Billy: Okay.

Officer Miller: Ah, you can run along and play ball now.

Billy: Thanks, Officer Miller. [ turns to leave, then stops and hands his cigarettes to Officer Miller ] Say.. would you throw these away for me?

Officer Miller: [ smiles ] You’re a good kid, Billy. So long!

[ Billy runs off, as Officer Miller lights up a cigarette ]

Jingle:
“Hey!
Officer Miller!”

SNL Transcripts

I’m Chillin’

Onski…..Chris Rock
B-Fats…..Chris Farley

Announcer: Live, from the Marcy Projects, it’s “I’m Chillin’!”

[ Onski and B-Fats hip-hop heir way into their crub full of hot dancing ladies ]

Onksi: Yo, what’s up! Welcome to “I’m Chillin’!”, the most stupefying show on TV! I’m your host Onski, to the highest degree, to the T.O.P., it’s all about mu-ee! And sittin’ by my side is my main man, my Toucan Sam, my can of Spam, his name ain’t Pam, he goes by the name of B-Fats! Yo, B, tell ’em how you feel!

Yo, I’m chillin’ like Bob Dylan, and I’m killin’ like penicillin!

Onksi: Yo, B! Yo B, yo B! You clockin’ the hos!

B-Fats: The ones that’s willin’!

Onksi: I hear that, boy! Now, before I start the show – I said before I start the show – I want to say, “Wuzzup!” to our new sponsor. That’s right! I want to say, “Wuzzup!” to F’d Up! malt liquor! That’s right! F’d Up malt liquor! Because the bold taste of F’d Up malt liquor is guaranteed to do just that – get you F’d Up! Remember – the F is for Fired!

B-Fats: Yo, Onski, pass me a 40 Dog.

Onksi: Here ya go, baby.

B-Fats: You know, Onski, I heard that Prince is all that and a bag of.. chips.

Onksi: Yo, man, I don’t like Prince! Don’t play me like that, man! I don’t like Prince, alright!

B-Fats: Don’t base me, I heard you got all his albums.

Onksi: Yo, man, I don’t got all of Prince’s albums! All I got is Purple Rain, alright! I like “Darling Nikki”, okay! Okay! Okay! Yo, yo, forget that, man, yo it’s about that time, man!

B-Fats: Time to bust a rhyme?

Onksi: No-aw, B.

B-Fats: Time to shoot a mime?

Onksi: No-aw, B. It’s time for the Mother Joke of the Day! That’s right! Today’s Mother Joke was sent to us from the Big Daddy Chain of the Thompkins Projects, Apt. C, right next to the incinerator. And it go a little something like the-ess: “Yo! Your mother got so much hair under her arm, it look like she got Buckwheat in a headlock!” Don Pardo, tell ‘im what he get for that!

Announcer: You win.. a Raiders cap. That’s right, a genuine Raiders cap, just like the one worn by every black teen in the city!

Onksi: Yo, Don! Tell ‘im what else he get!

Announcer: You’ll also win a gold tooth! A genuine three-karat gold tooth, just like the one worn by rapper Flavor-Flav!

Onksi: And if you don’t like that, you can get..

Together: ..the bozac!

Onksi: Now, right now we’re gonna show a world-premiere video from my man, Ice Cube called “Kill At Will”. That’s what we gonna do right- [ Onski’s beeper ges off ] Ah, ga! you know, we gotta go right now. That’s my beeper beepin’, so I ain’t sleepin’, you know what I’m sayin’? I gotta go pick up my baby’s mother, you know what I’m sayin’, ’cause she’s a cashier down at Popeye’s. You know what I’m sayin’? You know what I’m sayin’? Righrt now, I want you to remember one thing. Always wipe, and stay off the pipe. And if somebody ax you what you doin’, tell ’em..

Together: I’m Chillin’!

[ title in, fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Godfather Bush

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
Mr. Salatso…..Joe Mantegna
Saddam Hussein…..Phil Hartman

[ open on interior, Italian restaurant, President George Bush seated at table with Mr. Salatso and Saddam Hussein ]

[ Music Over: Italian muzak straight from the “Godfather” movies ]

President George Bush: I want to.. thank you for.. for arranging this meeting, Mr. Salatso.

Mr. Salatso: Well, nobody wants a war. If I can help make the peace, it’s good for my family; it’s good for everybody.

Saddam Hussein: So, how’s the Italian food in this place?

Mr. Salatso: Good! Try the veal! Now, Saddam.. I’m gonna talk to the president in Italian, if you don’t mind.

Saddam Hussein: Fine.

Mr. Salatso: Questa cosa Kuwaita e una cosa brutta per tutti. Ma e una cosa di business.

President George Bush: Io voglio solo che Saddam… partire da Kuwaita in tutto.. tutto.. Whatever, completely out. Molto rapido senza linkage. No linkage. No linkage. Non e prudente a questa juncture. No, no puo gonna do it. No.. puo.. gonna.. do it!

And now, if you’ll.. if you’ll excuse me.. I’ve got to go to the little boy’s room – if that’s okay.

Saddam Hussein: If you gotta go, you got to go. [ Mr. Salatso stands to frisk Bush ] I frisked him. Bush is clean.

Mr. Salatso: Don’t take too long.

President George Bush: Yeah. Okay. [ exits table ]

[ cut to interior, bathroom; Bush enters stall, hyperventilating ]

President George Bush: Calm down.. just calm down.. calm down! It’s okay, it’s okay.. Quayle said he’d tape the gun to the toilet. [ feels around the toilet, but can’t find the gun ] Damn! That idot! Should’ve had Sununu do it! Now, where’s that gun?! [ looks into toilet bowl ] Oh.. there it is. [ reaches into bowl, pulls out wet, soaking gun ] That bumbling fool boob! That does it – that’s the last important thing he does! [ grabs paper towels ] Just dry it off there.. Now.. now, just calm down. Breathe, breathe, breathe! [ breathes heavily ] Breathe, breathe! Just relax.. relax the body.. Easy – just two shots to the head.. drop the gun.. walk out of there – don’t run; wouldn’t be prudent!

[ Bush exits bathroom and returns to table ]

[ as Mr. Salatso speaks, camera tightens in on Bush, whose face is in disarray as he readies himself to assassinate Saddam Hussein ]

Mr. Salatso: Mr. President. We gotta talk about territory. Give Saddam the two islands. Let the man wet his beak a little. I mean, why should the El Salvo Family control Kuwait? They’re cutting the other families out of the action in this.. January 15th date. Maybe we could push it back a little, say, maybe, to St. Patrick’s Day! I mean, they’ve got tents to take down! The logistics.. Are you listening to a word I’m saying?

[ Bush stands and points gun at Saddam’s head; the empty gun fires no bullets ]

President George Bush: [ throws the gun down ] That’s it – he’s off the ticket! [ stomps out of restaurant ]

[ music sting ]

Saddam Hussein: What was that all about?!

Mr. Salatso: I’m sorry. All I can say is, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 12th, 1991

Joe Mantegna

Vanilla Ice

None

Vanilla Ice, “Ice Ice Baby”

Godfather Bush

Recurring Characters: President George Bush, Saddam Hussein.

Joe Mantegna’s Monologue

New York Radio

Nightline

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel.

Officer Miller

Vanilla Ice performs “Ice Ice Baby”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

I’m Chillin’

Recurring Characters: Onski, B Fats.

Complaint Letter

Bill Swerski’s Super Fans

Recurring Characters: Bill Swerski, Carl Wollarski, Pat Arnold, Todd O’Conner.

Vanilla Ice performs “Play That Funky Music”

Insane Inventors

Eddie “The Clot” O’Hanlon Funeral

SNL Transcripts

Dysfunctional Family Christmas

Dad…..Phil Hartman
Mom…..Jan Hooks
Son…..Dana Carvey
Other Son…..Mike Myers
Daughters…..Julia Sweeney and Victoria Jackson

Announcer: It’s that time of year, when families get together to reopen old feelings. And Silver Bell Records is proud to present a Dysfunctional Family Christmas. This is the album your family is sure to cherish for Christmases to come.

[ SUPER: “Let’s Pretend We Like Each Other (This Christmas)” ]

Dad: [ singing ]
“Christmastime, you force a smile
Everyone is joining in the group denial
Folks behaving infantile
Family Christmastime.”

Announcer: Hit after dysfunctional hit. Songs like “The Almost Perfect Christmas”:

Female Chorus: “Dinner is perfect, the presents are perfect
The tree and the parlors are perfect fun.”

Male Chorus: “Then your brother, yells at your mother.”

Altogether: “Christmas is ruined for everyone.”

Announcer: Get timeless hits like “Someday I’ll Get Christmas Right”, “I’ve Got My Drinking Under Control For The Holidays”, “Peace On Earth? Where?”, and “The Daughter Song”:

Female Chorus: “Presents and wrapping paper
Ribbons and bows and all that stuff.
Why do we even bother?
Nothing we get you is good enough!”

Announcer: And this country Christmas classic:

[ SUPER: “Ballad of the Co-Dependent” ]

Dad: “Every Christmas when you got drunk
I told the children you were not drunk.
And I said, “Tommy, you’re not being bad,
It’s just Christmas makes your Mommy mad.”

Announcer: You’ll get “Cant’ You Let It Drop, It’s Christmas”, “What I Want You Can’t Buy Me”, “Fruitcake And Shame”, and “Why Am I The Only One Who Knows What Christmas Really Means?” And many more.

[ SUPER: “Why Am I Here? (The ‘Pretty’ Song)” ]

Mom: “Underneath the mistletoe
Is a 2×2 jingle bell world.
And underneath all those extra pounds
is a very pretty girl.”

[ SUPER: “Runny Funny Daddy” ]

Kids: “Daddy’s nose is red and runny
Daddy’s voice is rough and funny.
Anmd the only words I can understand
are ‘God’ and ‘Damn’ and ‘Christmas'”.

Announcer: Just imagine – 24 timeless standards, including the classic “Carol Of Intimacy”:

Son: “Leave me alone! Please go away!
I’m doing fine! Just get away!
“Leave me alone! Please go away!
I’m doing fine! Just get away!
“Leave me alone! Please go away!
I’m doing fine! Just get away!”

[ SUPER: “DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY CHRISTMAS – $19.95 – 1-800-GET-HELP” ]

Announcer: To order, call 1-800-GET-HELP tpday. Operators are standing by.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 9

90i: Dennis Quaid / The Neville Brothers

A Message From the President of the United States

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey

George Bush: Good evening. Happy holidays to you all. Once against it’s that festive season. Tonight our Jewish friends observe the fifth night of Hanukkah, the celebration of a military victory won centuries ago in a part of the world where today 400,000 brave Americans await my order to annihilate Iraq. None of us want war in that whole area out over there. But as commander-in- chief. I am ever cognizant of my authority to launch a full-scale orgy of death there in the desert sands. Probably won’t, but then again, I might. And if we do go to war, I can assure you—it will not be another Vietnam. Because we learned well the simple lesson of Vietnam: “Stay out of Vietnam.” They’ll beat you bad, b-a-a-d. But this time is different, because the world is behind us. Critics say, why is the U.S. doing all the work? Not true. Seventy-eight countries are contributing to Operation Desert Shield. Not all are sending troops—sure. But giving what they are able. From Belgium, nylon helmut covers. From Nwe Zealand, socks, ranging from sizes six through twelve. Six is small. Twelve, that’s big. Me, I’m a ten and a half. Could wear a ten. Wouldn’t be prudent. From the Congo, Ray-Ban sunglasses—two pair. From Yugoslayia, men’s swimming trunks. From Mexico, salsa. And the list goes on. You see, world behind us, not like Vietnam. And this time, our strike will be swift and deadly. I know you’re watching, Saddam. And time is running out. The deadline—the morning of January fifteenth. One month from today. And when that morning dawns, you won’t be hearing the chirping birds. You’ll be hearing something very different—something like this…

[Bomb whistle]

George Bush: Then nuthin’. You wait—KABOOM! Then…

[Bomb whistle]

George Bush: —nuthin’, you’re lucky it’s a dud. Then—

[Bomb whistle]

George Bush: —KABOOM! Short fuse, heh, heh, heh. And finally the las thing you’ll hear as you pass into oblivion: “Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Keaton Safar

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 9


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


December 15th, 1990

Dennis Quaid

The Neville Brothers

None

Jon Lovitz
A Message From the President of the United StatesRecurring Characters: President George Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Dennis Quaid’s Monologue

Dysfunctional Family ChristmasTranscript

Sally Jessy RaphaelRecurring Characters: Sally Jessy Raphael.

Family Loves Ex-Boyfriend

The Neville Brothers perform “Brother Jake”Also Appeared: 85k.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Annoying Man, Grumpy Old Man.

Massage Students

Renegade Pilot

SprocketsRecurring Characters: Dieter.

The Neville Brothers perform “River of Life”

Schillervision Theatre

The Specialty Songs Of Cal McLane, Jr.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

… Dennis Miller
2nd Dennis Miller … Dana Carvey
3rd Dennis Miller … Tom Hanks

b>Music Intro: “Instant Karma” by JohnLennon.

[A hip-swiveling Statue of Liberty grooves to the beatagainst a red-hued New York City skyline as a graphicreads: WEEKEND UPDATE/ DENNIS MILLER. Cheers andapplause.]

Don Pardo V/O: And, now, “Weekend Update” withanchorperson, Dennis Miller!

[Dissolve to Dennis at the WU desk where he, too,grooves to the beat.]

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, andwhat can I tell you?

This week, after ordering the release of all foreignhostages, Iraqi President Saddam Hussein reiteratedhis vow to never get out of Kuwait — that’s final.Hearing the news while visiting South America,President Bush bristled and, in an effort to sendHussein a strong message, squeezed a piece ofanthracite coal into a diamond. [Photo of Bushgritting his teeth while making a fist] …

Twenty-three of the departing hostages were about toleave today but, when they found out their flight wason Northwest Airlines, they chose to stay. …[applause]

Iraqi airports — one of the few airports in the worldwhere they have a metal detector when you getoff the plane. …

In the Persian Gulf this week, some of the U.S. Armysoldiers were tricked into selling their M-1 tank fora bag of, quote, “magic sand.” … The – the soldiersnow plan to trade an Apache helicopter for some “magicwater” because without magic water, the magic sandjust won’t work. …

And actress Brooke Shields was denied a visa this weekto visit our troops in Saudi Arabia for the holidays.Spokesmen in the Gulf said, “First off, she’s abeautiful young woman. Secondly, she often wearsscanty clothing. And third, and most importantly, didyou see Blue Lagoon? What in the hell was THATall about?” …

The United States has begun a secret airlift of agroup of anti-Qaddafi Libyans living in Chad. In arelated story, the Anti-Qaddafi Libyans Living in Chadsaid that their new album, “We are the Anti-QaddafiLibyans Living in Chad” will be out in late January…. And, you know, if you haven’t seen theAnti-Qaddafi Libyans Living in Chad live, you arereally missing something. …

General Colin Powell, Chairman of the U.S. JointChiefs of Staff, met this week with British PrimeMinister John Major to talk about the Gulf crisis at10 Downing Street. Powell then went to the suburbs ofLondon where he inspected a dirty Q-Tip factory.[Photo of Powell inspecting British Beefeaters, theirblack fur helmets looking like dirty cotton swabs]…

The FBI monitored over fourteen hundred telephonecalls made by General Manuel Noriega from his prisoncell between February and November. The FBI expressedconcern over language it believed may have includedencoded messages concerning drug and money transferssuch as the following passage: “Tell the Domino’sPizza in Bogota that I want ten thousand grams oftheir best pizza delivered to my friend Jaime Escolarin Miami. … He is very, very hungry and will pay incash or deutschemarks.” …

Pope John Paul II appeared on the balcony in VaticanCity this week to speak an encyclical to over threehundred thousand people but then turned and ran inconfusion when the crowd greeted him with Arsenio’s”woof woof woof” thing. [Dennis demonstrates] …[applause]

In an effort to diminish further misunderstanding,Jewish and Catholic leaders met at the Vatican thisweek to begin a dialogue. Here are some of thedialogue excerpts: “You did, too, kill Him.” “We didnot.” “Did, too!” “Did not!” … The two groups hopeto reach an agreement sometime next century….

To help relieve the Russian food crisis, the U.S. hasbeen sending as much aid as they can afford. Thirtythousand cases of black licorice, a similar amount ofprune juice, and a couple cases of beets have beensent over so far. And there are plans to send morestuff nobody here likes — and they’re now underway….

After weeks of mounting tension, a million dollars atstake, and the World Chess Championship on the line,Garry Kasparov went berserk yesterday, took off all ofhis clothes and yelled, “Yahtzee!” …[applause] Thank you.

[Photo of unidentified mustachioed Mideasterner]Ladies? Beware of this man. He will attempt to romanceyou away from your husband. …

And the New York City Board of Education isconsidering a cucumber curic’lem – curriculum … inorder to teach students how to use condoms. It hasdevised a program in which students will be given twocondoms and a cucumber or a zucchini on which to putthe condom to demonstrate how it is used. … Astudent body spokesman, Billy Eckhart, said, “Great. Igot enough peer pressure. Now, I’ve gotta spend therest of my life trying to live up to vegetables. …Yeah. Isn’t there–? [cheers and applause] Isn’t theresome way we can demonstrate these things on those babycorns you get at Thai restaurants?” …

[Photo of Vice President Dan Quayle standing next toan auctioneer] And Christie’s auction house onManhattan’s East Side this week, auctioned off DanQuayle at their annual Curiosity Sale. … Quaylebrought thirty-eight dollars and forty cents at theauction but was returned later in the day by anunidentified buyer from Houston, Texas because he saidthe Vice President was broken. …

Singer Sinead O’Connor this week told journalistMarcelle Clements that she has a preference for blackmen. The singer said, “I don’t just like black men, Ilike dark-skinned men with dark hair, dark features.They must be over thirty years old, drug free and haveplenty of facial hair.” [Photo of actor Redd Foxx asFred Sanford from the TV sitcom “Sanford and Son”]When contacted, junkman Fred Sanford said, “I’mcomin’, Sinead! This is the big one, baby!” …[cheers and applause]

And Edward Scissorhands and Captain Hook were bothkilled this week when they high-fived each other at anapres-premiere party at New York City’s Hard RockCafe.

Well, you know what? It’s that time of the year,folks, and to get you into the festive spirit a littleearly, I thought I’d sing a Christmas carol. Assistingme will, of course, be — me. Hey,squeeb-squaw.

[Pull back to reveal a second Dennis Miller — withmatching suit, tie, blow-dry haircut, pencil and sheafof papers — sitting next to the real Dennis.]

2nd Dennis Miller: Hey, keakoe. …

Dennis Miller: You wanna try “JingleBells”?

2nd Dennis Miller: I think we need three partharmony for that one, baba ganoush. …

Dennis Miller: Baba ganoush?

2nd Dennis Miller: Hey, lighten up, CaptainHairdo. You’re the one who talks like this,okaaaaay?

Dennis Miller: All right, bring up the newguy.

2nd Dennis Miller: [calls off] Hey,waterpick!

[A third Dennis Miller rolls into view, clucking andshaking his head, Dennis Miller-style. The two mockDennises cluck and draw cheers and applause, much tothe real Dennis’ embarrassment.]

Dennis Miller: All right. Let’s – let’s – let’s- let’s – let’s – let’s just– Let’s just sing thissong, okay?

2nd Dennis Miller: Hey, chill out, MitchMiller! Okay, Quak-a-po-keek-ko-quawk.

Dennis Miller: All right, all right. Let megive you the tone here. [takes out a pitch pipe andblows a note]

3rd Dennis Miller: Ho, ho, where’d you pickthat up? Juilliard, babe?

Dennis Miller: [to the crowd] I’ve created anattitude monster. [to his fellow Millers] Let’s justsing, all right?

2nd Dennis Miller: Okay.

Dennis Miller: One, two, three —

All Three Dennis Millers: [singing]
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh
Babe!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh
[simultaneously running their hands through theirblow-dried hair]
Dashing through the snow
[snow begins to fall from above]

2nd Dennis Miller: In a one horse opensleigh

3rd Dennis Miller: O’er the fields wego

All Three Dennis Millers:
Laughing all the way
[simultaneously doing Dennis’ trademark high-pitched”ha haaa” laugh]

Dennis Miller: Bells on Bob-tail’sring

2nd Dennis Miller: [spoken] Hey, what thehell’s a “bob-tail,” cha-cha?

3rd Dennis Miller:
Don’t be a big pain in the ass
Just sing the freakin’ song
Ho!

All Three Dennis Millers:
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Babe!
Oh, what fun …

[The mock Millers lapse into clucking, shaking theirheads, running their hands through their hair. Thereal Dennis gets fed up.]

Dennis Miller: Enough! Enough! Enough!

All Three Dennis Millers: [finishing thesong]
Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse opensleigh!
[spoken]
Guess what, folks? That’s the news and we are out ofhere!

[The three Millers do Dennis’ trademark pencil in theair signature and groove to “Instant Karma” — cheersand applause as we fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 8

90h: Tom Hanks / Edie Brickell & New Bohemians

Tom Hanks’ Monologue

…..Tom Hanks
Sean the Doorman…..Conan O’Brien
…..Paul Simon
…..Steve Martin
…..Elliott Gould
…..Jon Lovitz
…..Ralph Nader

Tom Hanks: Believe it or not, this is the fifth “Saturday Night Live” I have been lucky enough to host. Now, the first time you do the show, you can’t believe you’re here. You just can’t believe it. Your head buzzes with excitement. The second time you do the show, it means you were funny enough to be asked back – and you’re pushing a movie. The third time you do the show, the second time didn’t go so well, and you have something to prove to yourself. The fourth time you do the show, you’re just blatantly pushing a movie. But the fifth time you do the show is the most special time of all, because you get this.. [ holds up a card ] ..a membership card in the Five-Timers Club. Come with me.. [ walks off the stage ] I’m gonna give you a chance to lookin on one of the most exclusive clubs in the world.

Sean the Doorman: Welcome, Mr. Hanks. Once again, congratulations on your fifth appearance.

Tom Hanks: Thank you, it’s a real thrill.

Sean the Doorman: Mr. Hanks, would you like your club robe now?

Tom Hanks: Boy, would I! Thank you..

Sean the Doorman: Sean.

Tom Hanks: ..”Sean.” [ walks in ]

Paul Simon: Tom! Congratulations! Welcome aboard!

Tom Hanks: Thanks, Mr. Simon.

Paul Simon: Please, call me Paul.

Tom Hanks: Okay! “Paul.”

Paul Simon: You know, we’ve had our eye on you ever since your third show. We knew you’d made five.

Tom Hanks: Wow, that’s flattering.

Paul Simon: Yes. There was some concern after “Joe Vs. The Volcano”, but you made it, and good for you!

Tom Hanks: Thanks.

Paul Simon: Step into the reading room. I think you’ll like it.Steve, look who’s joined us.

Steve Martin: Tom, Tom old bean! Let’s have a look at you. That robe fits you smashingly.

Tom Hanks: Thanks, Mr. Martin.

Steve Martin: Please, call me Mr. Steve Martin.

Tom Hanks: Thanks, Mr. Steve Martin.

Steve Martin: Whoa! I think someone needs to learn the club handshake. [ demonstrate an unusual handshake with Paul Simon ] Tom, sit down. You know, I hope you appreciate the responsibility that comes with being a fiver. Let’s be frank – it takes a certain caliber of performer to earn that fifth show.

Elliott Gould: [steps into the room with a towel wrapped around his shoulder ] Hey, Steven! You really ought to take a dip. The pool’s a perfect eighty degrees.

Steve Martin: He practically lives here.

Elliott Gould: Tom Hanks! Welcome aboard!

Tom Hanks: Hi, Mr. Gould.

Elliot Gould: Mazel tov, old man. You know, it is much easier to get five nowadays. Nothing against you, Tom. Let’s get you fixed up. Care for some supper?

Tom Hanks: Sure!

Elliot Gould: Waiter!

Jon Lovitz: [ enters, carrying menus ] Here you are, Mr. Gould.Welcome, Mr. Hanks.

Tom Hanks: Jon, you work here?

Jon Lovitz: Work is work.

Steve Martin: I’ll have the Chevy Chase, and easy on the ham this time.

Jon Lovitz: Good choice, Mr. Steve Martin.

Tom Hanks: Wow. So many choices. What do I do?

Steve Martin: Try the Anthony Michael Hall. It’s surprisingly good.

Paul Simon: I’ll have the Joe Piscopo.

Steve Martin: [ disapproving ] Really?

Jon Lovitz: And to drink?

Tom Hanks: I’ll have a beer.

Jon Lovitz: Anyone else?

Elliot Gould: I’ll have a Jenny Craig protein shake.

Sean the Doorman: Jon, we’re having that problem again at the door.

Jon Lovitz: I’ll handle it. [ approaches door and addresses Ralph Nader ] Mr. Nader, I’ve told you before, this club is for members only.

Ralph Nader: [ waving an old script ] But I’ve hosted the show! I swear!

Jon Lovitz: Sorry, sir, five-timers only.

Ralph Nader: See.. there’s Steve Martin, there’s Paul Simon.. Tom Hanks just joined!

Jon Lovitz: Out! All of you! Out! I got rid of him, gentlemen.

Paul Simon: Very good, Jon.

Elliot Gould: [ sniffing ] I smell something burning.

Jon Lovitz: My muffins! [ runs off ]

Tom Hanks: Well, everyone, this has been a thrill, but I have to go finish the rest of the monologue.

Elliot Gould: What are you talking about? You can do it from here.

Tom Hanks: What?

Steve Martin: Of course! You’re a five-timer! You don’t need to be there! You can phone it in!

Tom Hanks: Really?

Paul Simon: Sure! Elliott, hand him the club phone.

Elliot Gould: This is a direct line to the studio.

Tom Hanks: Hey, great!

Steve Martin: [ hands Tom a pipe ] Make yourself comfortable, boy! Say whatever you want!

Tom Hanks: Well, okay. [ into the phone ] Uh.. we’ve got a great show! Edie Brickell is here!

All: Well done, good job, son.

Tom Hanks: We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts