SNL Tonight

Susan Lucci’s Monologue

…..Susan Lucci
…..Victoria Jackson
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Jan Hooks
…..David Spade
…..Mike Myers

Susan Lucci: That is so nice, thank you so much! Thank you! [ laughs ] Ah, “Saturday Night Live” – here I am hosting “Saturday Night Live”, I cannot think of a bigger thrill in my life.. except, maybe, that Emmy? Most of you may know me from the character I play on “All My Children” – Erica Kane. I have to tell you, though, I’m really nothing like that character, like that schemeing, self-centered Erica Kane. For one thing, Erica’s been married eight times; I’ve only been married once, to the same sweet, wonderful man for sixteen years now – I have had countless affairs.. but I always come back to the same sweet, wonderful man! He’s the father of.. one of my two children.

I just said all that for a laugh. That’s why I wanted to do this show. I wanted to work in front of a live audience, and hear you laugh. We once tried a live audience at “All My Children”, but they just didn’t laugh. Oh, you’d hear an occasional cough. Mainly people would just yell out things, like, “Don’t marry her! You’re just a pawn in her game!” “Uh-oh! He’s coming to walk in on you now, put your clothes back on!” So we got rid of the audience.

But, anyway, here I am doing this show! Everybody has been so terrific to work with this week, it’s been a great week. Except for one minor incident..

[ camera breaks into a flashback sequence ]

Susan Lucci V/O: ..it really was not worth flashing back to..

[ flashback shows Susan’s point-of-view, as she’s prepped for the live show ]

Hair Stylist: Okay, Susan, this wig looks great. We’ll just brush your hair out for the monologue now, okay? [ brushes hair ] There. That looks good. You had a really good dress rehearsal. Here. What do you think, Sylvia?

Second Hairsylist: It’s nice. Nice.

Victoria Jackson: Susan? Susan, are you almost ready?

Susan Lucci: Yeah, just about. Thanks, Gloria, you have been so helpful! Really.

Hair Stylist: Oh, no problem. I was just doing my job.

[ Susan’s viewpoint falls upon an Emmy standing on the counter ]

Susan Lucci V/O: Wow.. is.. is that your Emmy?

Victoria Jackson: That’s one of her Emmys! She’s got three!

Hair Stylist: Well, you know, I’ve been in the business about five years, so..

Victoria Jackson: Susan, they want you to go over to wardrobe, and get in a costume thing. Come on.

[ Susan’s viewpoint strolls over to Wardrobe ]

Wardrobe Personnel: There you are! Susan. I want to try this tiara for the next sketch. [ places tiara over Susan’s head ] You know, it’s nice. But I have a couple of more that I want to try. [ Susan’s gaze falls upon 3? Emmy’s on the table ] No, honey, these are Emmys. Back here.

Victoria Jackson: [ holding up two Emmys ] Steven, are these the two Emmys you won for that Very Special “Benson”?

Wardrobe Personnel: Oh, I don’t know, Victoria.. check the inscriptions.

[ Kevin Nealon enters, an Emmy medallion around his neck ]

Kevin Nealon: Susan? Susan? Hi, Susan. I think they need you over in Make-up over there. [ Susan’s gaze falls upon Kevin’s Emmy ] Oh? You like this? I gave my other two to my parents! Come on!

Jan Hooks: Hey! Hey, Susan! Hey, you were great in Dress – you excited? you excited? Good! [ shakes wobbly make-up table ] Look at this, my make-up table is broken, can you believe that? [ looks around ] Hey, can somebody help me here, please? Make-up table’s broken. [ Union employee Howard enters ] Hi, Howard. [ Howard places an Emmy under the short leg of the make-up table ] Ohh.. Howard. you’re a life saver.

Howard: It’s only an Emmy, Miss Hooks.

Kevin Nealon: This way, Susan. Susan? Come on.

Victoria Jackson: I didn’t know Howard had an Emmy!

Kevin Nealon: He’s Union – he shows up, he does his job, right?

[ Susan’s gaze falls upon a carpenter using an Emmy to hammer a nail into the wall ]

Victoria Jackson: Susan? Are you alright? Are you okay?

Kevin Nealon: Maybe we should get you a soda, Susan. Come on, follow me.

Victoria Jackson: I guess she’s a little down because she’s never won an Emmy..

Kevin Nealon: Oh, Susan.. you’re gonna win one. Besides, it’s just a statue. you know – a symbol of excellence. [ they enter the dinning area ] Okay, here we are!

[ Susan’s gaze falls upon David Spade and other cast members eating corn-on-the-cob, using Emmy’s as cornholders ]

Kevin Nealon: Susan? Susan, did you eat dinner? There’s plenty of corn over here.

Mike Myers: Hey, everybody! Hey, everybody! Emmy Fight!!

[ Myers and everyone else in the orom begin throwing rubber Emmys at one another, as Susan quickly makes her exit to salvation ]

[ flashback dissolves back to Susan at Center Stage ]

Susan Lucci: Fortunately, they caught me at the elevator. I was hysterical, but they whacked me over the head with an Emmy, and now I’m fine. Anyway.. we’ve got a great show, with Hothouse Flowers, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

All My Luggage

Baggage Handler…..Kevin Nealon
Jessica Fleming…..Susan Lucci
Ted Fleming…..Phil Hartman

[ sketch opens with soapy organ music ]

Baggage Handler: Mrs. Fleming?

Jessica Fleming: Yes?

Baggage Handler: I’m afraid we have some bad news.

Jessica Fleming: Bad news? What do you mean?

Baggage Handler: I’m afraid we can’t find your luggage.

[ organ hits a high chord ]

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: “All My Luggage”.

[ dissolve back to scene ]

Jessica Fleming: What do you mean, you can’t find my luggage? What do you mean? Where is it?

Baggage Handler: It’s too soon to know.. but it is possible it was taken off in St. Louis – which, as you know, is our hub. In that case, your luggage could be anywhere. It could be in Dallas, Chicago, Newark, Memphis, Salt Lake City, Miami..

Jessica Fleming: This isn’t happening! No, no, no! I spoke with Customer Complaints, and they said they would put a tracer on it! And that means my luggage will be returned to me by tonight, right?!

Baggage Handler: [ dramaticd pause ] Mrs. Fleming.. a tracer is a complicated and time-consuming process. First, we have to ask you to circle the shape of the luggage on this chart. Then we would fax it to Detroit, Baltimore, Atlanta, Kansas City..

Ted Fleming: So, what are you telling us?

Baggage Handler: I’m telling you there’s a chance you won’t get your luggage this eveinng.

Jessica Fleming: No, this isn’t happening! You don’t understand! I change my clothes four times a day! My suede skirt is in my bags! All my scarves, all my make-up! No, no, no, this isn’t happening! This is not happening!

Baggage Handler: Mrs. Fleming, we’re all praying here that the tracer works. However, you may have to face the possibility.. of shopping here in Vegas.

Jessica Fleming: No! Oh, no, no! My luggage is not lost! Do you understand me? My luggage is not lost!

Ted Fleming: Sweetheart, it’s okay.

Jessica Fleming: No, Ted, they’re wrong! I-I know they’re wrong! [ to Baggage Handler ] Don’t you dare stand there and tell me that I have to face the possibility that my luggage is lost! Because I will not face that possibility! I will not!

[ Jessica storms out of the office ]

Ted Fleming: [ to Baggage Handler, stern ] You put that tracer through now! And the next time I hear from you, you’d better have some information about those bags!

[ cut to Jessica standing in the airport chapel ]

Ted Fleming: You cannot do this to me, do you understand! You cannot do this!

[ Ted enters chapel ]

Ted Fleming: Jessica!

Ted Fleming: Ted! Ted, tell me it’s all a nightmare, and then I’ll wake up and they will find my luggage, and my luggage will be here with me! My clothes will be here! My scarves will be here! My make-up will be here!

Ted Fleming: Shhhh.. Jessica.. don’t do this to yourself.

Jessica Fleming: Why? Why did this happen! Ted, why did this happen?!

Ted Fleming: Shhhh.. The baggage handler’s are there, darling. If anyone can find your luggage, it’s them.

Jessica Fleming: But what if they can’t? What if they can’t?

Ted Fleming: Shhhh.. Shhhh.. Let me take you out to the baggage area. I think you need soem rest.

Jessica Fleming: Rest? no, I can’t rest – not now. I’d like to stay here – alone – for a minute. Okay?

Ted Fleming: [ long dramatic pause ] Okay. I’ll be in the

[ Ted exits ]

Jessica Fleming: [ kneels and prays to God ] It’s been a long while since I’ve prayed. I know it seems like the only time I come to you is when I lose my bags. I hope you’ll forgive me for that. But this time I had no carry-on at all! Everything is in that baggage! Oh, God, I know I’ve over-reacted before! Like the time in Phoenix, when I left my garment bag on the plane, and I said there was a bomb threat just so I could get all my stuff! But this time, it’s different! I have everything in those bags!

[ Baggage Handler enters chapel ]

Baggage Handler: Jessica Fleming!

Jessica Fleming: Yes?!

Baggage Handler: We found your bags.

Jessica Fleming: Oh.. thank you.

Baggage Handler: They’re in Milwaukee.

Jessica Fleming: No! No! No! No! No! No!

[ dissolve to title card, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Great Love Stories

Man #1…..Kevin Nealon
Woman #1…..Jan Hooks
Man #2…..Chris Farley
Woman #2…..Susan Lucci
Woman #3…..Victoria Jackson
Man #3…..Chris Rock
Man #4…..Phil Hartman
Man #5…..Mike Myers

[ Music Over: “Theme From Gone With The Wind” ]

Announcer: “Great Love Stories”.

Man #1: Dis guy hired me to t’row battery acid in dis chick’s face, right?

Woman #1: I heard a knock at the door. When I opened it, I got a faceful of battery acid.

Man #1: When I realized I went to the wrong apartment, I felt terrible. So I started visitn’ her at the hospital. I’d say it was about – what? – t’ree months?

Woman #1: Yeah. When we got married.

[ Music Over: “Theme From Gone With The Wind” ]

Announcer: “Great Love Stories”.

Man #2: My dad, my brother and me were huntin’ gators in the bayou.. and saw her and her boyfriend campin’.

Woman #2: They murdered my boyfriend in his sleeping bag.. and they abducted me.

Man #2: We had her out there in the shack all winter, before I started to realize that what we was doin’ was wrong. So I killed my daddy and my brother, and we were married ’bout – what?

Woman #2: ’bout three months later.

Man #2: [ laughs proudly ]

[ Music Over: “Theme From Gone With The Wind” ]

Announcer: “Great Love Stories”.

Woman #3: I was covering the New England Patriots for the Boston Herald Tribune.

Man #3: So, she’s in the locker room. I drop my towel and say, “Step up to the mike!”

Woman #3: And, uh.. it was about three months later..

Man #3: ..we were married!

[ Music Over: “Theme From Gone With The Wind” ]

Announcer: “Great Love Stories” is brought to you by.. FTD; you’ll be suprised what a couple of roses can do – honest to God. and.. Hallmark Cards; it sounds stupid, but we swear it works. And.. Godiva Chocolates; you’d think by now they’d catch on, but, apparently, they haven’t – trust us.

Here is a scene from next week’s “Great Love Stories”:

Man #4: I was trappin’ with my dad and my brother up in the Grand Tete ?? And we saw this girl campin’ with her boyfriend.

Man #5: They murdered my girlfriend in her sleeping bag, and abducted me!

Man #4: And we were married three months later.

[ Music Over: “Theme From Gone With The Wind” ]

Announcer: Next week on.. “Great Love Stories”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Classic Bitch & Lezbo Electric Shavers

Victor Kiam…..Phil Hartman

[ open on interior, New England Patriots locker room ]

[ SUPER: “Victor Kiam” ]

Victor Kiam: Hello, I’m Victor Kiam! Owner of the New England Patriots and Remington Shaver! I’m the guy who bought the company! And I’m proud to announce a new member of the Lady Remington razor family – introducing the new Classic Bitch Shaver!

[ SUPER: “Remington Classic Bitch Electric Shaver” ]

When I called that woman reporter a “classic bitch”, I meant it in a good way! I meant a real go-getter! Unafraid to tackle the male-dominated workforce! The Classic Bitch doesn’t just shave – it actually yanks the hair by the root, intimidating it from growing back! The Classic Bitch doesn’t charm you with gimmicks – it simply goes about its business in a humorless way! You may not like the Classic Bitch, but you’ll respect it! Yiu’ll want it on your side, believe me!

But, for those who don’t think the Classic Bitch goes far enough, try Remington’s new Lezbo Electric Shaver!

[ SUPER: “Remington Lezbo Electric Shaver” ]

When I say Lezbo, I mean it in a good way! Like a real go-getter – not only afraid to tackle a man’s job, but also not afraid to look a little like a man! You know the type. The Lezbo tackles those really tough facial and chest hairs, and also comes with a pop-up underarm trimmer! You’re not just smooth – you’re Lezbo smooth! I mean it in a good way!

I’m Victor Kiam, and, by the way, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Game Breakers

Announcer/Himself…..Don Pardo
Jack Morgan…..Phil Hartman
Margaret Fletcher…..Jan HooksErica Kane…..Susan Lucci
…..Gene Rayburn
Siegfried…..David Spade
Roy…..Dana Carvey

[ open on game show set filled with glamorous prizes ]

Announcer: Look at this studio, filled with fabulous cash and prizes! All yours for the taking on.. “Game Breakers”! And here’s your host – Jack Morgan!

[ Jack Morgan enters game show set ]

Jack Morgan: Thank you, and welcome to “Game Breakers”! Thank you, Don Pardo! And welcome to our returning champion – Margaret Fletcher!

Margaret Fletcher: Thank you, Jack!

Jack Morgan: Now, let’s meet your challenger. All the way from Pine Valley – Erica Kane. Hello, Erica.

Erica Kane: Hello, Jack!

Jack Morgan: [ reading from card ] Now, Erica, it says here you’ve been married eight times?

Erica Kane: Ye-es.. but only six were legal!

Jack Morgan: And I understand that you, at one time piloted a helicopter to rescue someone from prison?

Erica Kane: [ slightly embarrassed ] Oh! Well, I was only trying to break my lover out of jail – I do wish I hadn’t told you that!

Jack Morgan: And.. you’ve been kidnapped, survived a plane crash, stared down a grizzly bear.. you have your own line of cosmetics, and you’re the editor of a major magazine.

Erica Kane: [ blushing ] I try to keep busy!

Jack Morgan: Alright. Margaret, you’re the mother of two, and what do you do?

Margaret Fletcher: Well, I work in the home. [ nervous chuckle ]

Jack Morgan: And I’m sure you’re all familiar with our game!

Erica Kane: [ seductively ] Oh, yes, I am, Jack! I watch you every day! And I hope you won’t think that I’m being too forward if I tell you that.. I think you just have such a commanding presence!

Jack Morgan: [ taken aback ] No-o-o.. that’s very nice..

[ close-ups reveal Jack and Erica staring intensely at one another, locked in sexual tension ]

Jack Morgan: Alright, let’s play! Don Pardo, tell them what they’re playing for!

[ show bedroom set ]

Announcer: This beautiful bedroom suite from Brayhill!

Jack Morgan: Alright. Margaret, you’re the champion, so why don’t you pick a category for us.

Margaret Fletcher: “American Presidents” for 200, Jack!

Jack Morgan: “He was the only President to serve two non-consecutive terms.”

Margaret Fletcher: [ buzzes ] Grover Cleveland!

Erica Kane: [ feigning ] Oh, Jack.. I.. uh.. excuse me, but.. I just.. I couldn’t get my buzzer to work. Could you show me, perhaps, what I was doing wrong?

Jack Morgan: Well.. it’s simple. You just put your hand on the button. [ grabs Erica’s hand and positions it on the button ]

Erica Kane: Oh.. look at how much larger your hand is than mine! You have an artsitic streak, don’t you?

Jack Morgan: Why, yesss.. yes, I do.. Just put your hand on the button like this. [ demonstrates by pressing button with Erica’s hand ]

[ buzzing sound effect ]

Erica Kane: Grover Cleveland!

Jack Morgan: Cor-rect! And Erica picks up 200 points! And control of the board!

Margaret Fletcher: Excuse me, Jack! I.. I.. I..

Erica Kane: I will take “Bodies of Water” for 400, please!

Jack Morgan: “Which of the Great Lakes is located entirely in the U.S.?”

Margaret Fletcher: [ buzzes ] Lake Michigan!

Erica Kane: Oh, Jack.. I don’t mean to be a problem, but I pressed my buzzer too late that time. Could I do it again?

Jack Morgan: [ uneasy ] Well.. there are rules.. [ chuckles nervously ]

Erica Kane: Please?

Jack Morgan: O-o-okay.. “Which of the Great Lakes is located..?”

Erica Kane: [ buzzes ] Lake Michigan!!

Jack Morgan: That’s cor-rect!

Jack Morgan’s Inner Thought: What’s happening to me? Am I losing all sense of fairness? I’m a game show host.. I’ve got to be impartial. But, God help me, she’s the most fascinating woman I’ve ever met.

Margaret Fletcher: [ waving ] Excuse me, Jack..? I-I-I believe that I-I rang in before Erica did!

Jack Morgan: [ scoffs ] Well.. Margaret, isn’t there a chance that you could be wrong?

Margaret Fletcher: Well, I think.. I think I ought to know when I rang my own buzzer, Jack!

Jack Morgan: Please. Margaret, it’s Ercia’s turn.

Erica Kane: “Show Business” for 500, Jack!

Jack Morgan: “He won an Oscar for ‘Marty’.”

Erica Kane: [ buzzes ] Oh, um.. it’s on the tip of my tongue..

[ time-out buzzer ]

Margaret Fletcher: [ buzzes ] Ernest-

Erica Kane: Ernest Borgnine!

Jack Morgan: Cor-rect, for 500!

Margaret Fletcher: Jack, those are my 500 points! I know I said Ernest Borgnine first!

Erica Kane: Margaret, you’re lying. You know you are.

Margaret Fletcher: No! I’m not lying!

Erica Kane: Margaret, you’re tired and you’re desperate to win, and you’re lying.

Margaret Fletcher: No! I’m not lying, Erica! I rang in, and I started to say Ernest Borgnine-

Erica Kane: Oh, you started to say Ernest Borgnine! I hope everyone is listening here – you started to say Ernest Borgine?! I love it! You are so pathetic, Margaret! you and your tissue of lies!

Margaret Fletcher: [ near tears ] Those are my 500 points, Erica Kane, and I want them back!!

[ a catfight breaks out ]

Jack Morgan: Mrs. Fletcher! Please!

Erica Kane: She tried to hurt me, Jack!

Margaret Fletcher: [ crying ] It’s just that I know that I rang my buzzer in before she did, Jack! I know that, I did!

Jack Morgan: [ stern ] Leave her alone, Margaret. Haven’t you done enough already?

Margaret Fletcher: Well.. I-I-I know that-

Jack Morgan: Don. Let’s take a break.

Announcer: Alright, Jack! Transportation for “Game Breakers” is provided by TransEastern Airlines. At Transeastern, we don’t love to fly, but we keep the feeling hidden.

While in Los Angeles, conteatants stay at sleep ‘N Save! Sleep ‘N Save, because every hotel room looks the same in the dark.

[ dissolve back to Jack, still holding his game show cards, but in bed with Erica on the game show set ]

Jack Morgan: Oh, God.. we’re back. And, Erica.. you have control of the board.

Erica Kane: [ smiling ] “World Capitols” for 300.

Jack Morgan: “It’s called.. The City of Light.”

Erica Kane: Paris!

[ buzzer sounds ]

Jack Morgan: You’re right. You’re so very right..

[ show rear camera angle from between Jack and Erica in bed, to show Margaret faraway on the game show set ]

Margaret Fletcher: [ waving desperately ] Yoo-hoo! Jack! Hello? Could you speak up?! I can’t.. I can’t hear so well from here!

Erica Kane: [ yelling ] “World Capitols” for 600!

Margaret Fletcher: Oh.

Jack Morgan: “Argentina”.

[ Jack and Erica break into a passionate kiss, as Margaret struggles from far away ]

Margaret Fletcher: [ pounding buzzer ferociously ] Beunos Aires! Jack! I know the answer! Buenos Aires!!

[ dissolve to collection of prizes ]

Announcer: Some members of our studio audience will receive Party Improver; invite Party Improver to your next party, and watch your party improve. And Tick-Off; simply the finest tick repellent money can buy – and Tick-Away, its chief competitor. Jack, back to you.

[ dissolve back to Jack ]

Jack Morgan: Thank you, Don. We’re back, and Erica still has control of the board.. and she’s about to make me the happiest man in the world.

[ reveal Don Pardo serving duty as a minister, with Erica dressed in bridal gown next to smiling Jack ]

Don Pardo: Will the bride and the groom please join hands? She’s the most fascinating woman I’ve ever seen!

Jack Morgan: We’re ready.

Margaret Fletcher: Don’t do this, Jack! She’s only using you!

Don Pardo: If any man here knows any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now. You have fifteen seconds.

[ the clock ticks ]

Gene Rayburn: I believe I have an objection!

Erica Kane: Gene!

Gene Rayburn: Yes. Yes, Mrs. Erica Kane-Martin-Brent-Carnegie-Chandler-Montgomery-Montgomery-Rayburn!

Erica Kane: [ aghast ] Gene, what are you doing here?

Gene Rayburn: I was in town taping “Circus of the Stars”! I believe you’ve met my friends Siegfried & Roy!

[ show Siegfried & Roy ]

Jack Morgan: You’re very clever, Rayburn. But it won’t work! I’ll have Erica Kane for my wife, and nothing and no one will stop me!

Erica Kane: [ screaming, as Siegfried & Roy’s panther tears her apart ] I am Erica Kane!!

Jack Morgan: No!

Announcer: Tune in tomorrow for another episode of “Game Breakers”. This is Don Pardo speaking.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 6th, 1990

Susan Lucci

Hothouse Flowers

Gene Rayburn

Hothouse Flowers, “Give It Up”

Classic Bitch & Lezbo Electric Shavers

Susan Lucci’s Monologue

Lucci endures backstage walk amongst cast and crew’s Emmys.

Live With Regis & Kathie Lee

Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Kathie Lee Gifford.

All My Luggage

Great Love Stories

Hothouse Flowers performs “Give It Up”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Recurring Characters: Grumpy Old Man.

Game Breakers

Erica Kane (Lucci) uses charms to win game show prizes.

Her First Period

Missy (Victoria Jackson) is embarrassed by Mom’s (Lucci) zest for her period.

I Will Not Cry

Hothouse Flowers performs “I Can See Clearly Now”

M.C. Hammer’s The Sound of Music

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
…..Al Franken

Music Intro: Led Zeppelin

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

This week, President Bush addressed the joint meeting of the International Monetary Fund, and kept four balls in the air for a good thirty seconds.

Also this week, the Bush administration doubled the estimated cost of bailing out the failed Savings & Loan industry, and now say it will cost a staggering $130 billion over the next five years. $130 billion! Can you really grasp what that figure means? Let me put this in layman’s terms for you: if the United States only had one person. he’d have to kick in $130 billion!

In his address to the joint session of Congress last week, President Bush said, “It’s about time we crack down on the aggression of Saddam Hussein.” In keeping with that challenge, sitting right next to Vice-President Quayle – behind the President – was none other than the leader of the Dirty Dozen, Lee Marvin.

At the UN this week, the meeting of the general assembly degenerated when the deposed Emir of Kuwait, Sheik Jabar al Amad al Sabab, began delivering a speech, and other unruly general assembly members began playing Ring Toss with his head.

As of tomorrow, September 30th, the Pentagon’s price tag on its Persian Gulf operation, known as Desert Shield, is $2.5 billion. Don’t they know they don’t have to use the Desert Maxi-Shield, they could save a little money and use the Stay-Free Desert Mini-Shield!

As more and more troops arrive in Saudia Arabia, the military spirit has caught on, and a new marching song has emerged as the battle hymn of the 90’s: “It’s Saudi Doody time!”

Dennis Miller: Dan Rather, Ted Koppel, Bryant Gumbel – all have distinguished themselves, reporting from the Middle East during the current Gulf crisis. Weekend Update has dispatched our own one-man mobile-uplink unit Al Franken to the Gulf. And we go now live to Al in Saudia Arabia, where it is about noon. Al? Hello, Al?

Al Franken: Dennis, I am here on the Arabian peninsula, panning now with my Sony KB-2000, which is mounted on my extended-cam harness.. and I’m beaming my signal with my 1.3 meter parabolic antenna.. up to a satellite back down to you, at 30-

Dennis Miller: Al, you look terrible.

Al Franken: Uh.. yes, Dennis.. I.. am lost. And I’m gonna push in now with my Sony KB-2000 to show the effects of five days of blistering sun.. with nothing to drink.. but my own.. urine.

[ camera pans in on Al’s severely chapped lips ]

Dennis Miller: Oh, Al! That’s terrible!

Al Franken: Uh, yes, Dennis.. about five days ago, my high-mobility multi-purpose vehicle.. ran out of gas. I’m gonna pan over there now – it’s a very difficult maneuver.. because the dehydration and 120° heat.. has left me in a weakened state. So weak, in fact, that I am not absolutely certain whether I am actually, uh.. talking to you.. or simply hallucinating.

Dennis Miller: You are talking to me, Al, you’re talking to me..

Al Franken: Well.. I.. I hope so, Dennis..

Dennis Miller: Al, maybe we can get a fix on your location by triangulating your signal.

Al Franken: Well.. I-I-I.. love you, too, Dennis.. I love you all.. In fact.. I’m crying now.. There are no tears as such.. due to the.. severe dehydration..

Dennis Miller: Just hold on, Al!

Al Franken: Dennis.. don’t worry.. everything’s going to be fine.. You know why..? Because I.. I’m gonna go to sleep now, Dennis..

Dennis Miller: No, Al! Do not go to sleep! Hang on!

Al Franken: It’s time to sleep..

Dennis Miller: It’s not time to sleep! Fight it, Al! [ picture fizzles out ] We’re losing him. Al? We lost him. [ pictures returns, with Al laying down on the ground unconcious ] Al, wake up! [ a buzzard swoops in ] No. No. No. Shoo! Shoo! [ the buzzard begins to pick in Al’s eyes ] Aw, nooo.. This is terrible. This is as bad as I’ve ever seen. All we can do is hope for some kind of a miracle.

Supreme Court nominee Judge David Suter was the guest of baseball commissioner Faye Vincent this week at a Baltimore Oriole game, where he was asked to throw out the first ball and the Roe vs. Wade decision.

[ show picture of de Klerke and Quayle ]
On the left is de Klerke.. and on the right is just plain Duh!

You know, something happened over the summer I felt we just had to comment on: can you believe Washington mayor Marion Barry got off? You know, it’s surprising, because I’ve heard that when you do that much blow, you can’t get off.

[ show picture of Saudio women wrapped in cloths with glasses pulled over the cloth ]
You know, I betcha she’d look really good if she’d just take off those damn glasses!

Michael Dukakis has announced that he may run again for President of the United States, whereupon every citizen in the state of Massachusetts simultaneously said, “Yeah, right!”

Ronald and Nancy Reagan were traveling last week throughout Europe and visited Berlin, where it was the former president’s job to go back to the hotel and help Nancy take off her make-up.

Out in Hollywood this week, the Motion Picture Association abandoned its controversial X rating in favor of a new category meaning No Children Under 17, to be caled NC-17. And today they announced an additional category: IQ-80.

PBS, to kick off its new season, announced a new five-night series, that will depict a woman with sixteen personalities all in mortal conflict. “The Sybil War” will appear Sunday through Thursday on your local PBS affiliate.

Everybody’d wondering who killed Laura Petrie. I think it was Mel Cooley. Or maybe Pickles.

Last week, in the New York Times, Leona Helmesley took a full-page ad to publish an open letter to Saddam Hussein, condemning him for calling his captive hostages in Kuwait and Baghdad “guests” of his country. Lwon went on to say, “I’ve been in the hotel business for over 25 years; I know guests. These people are not guests; they’re employees!”

Andthe Rev. Al Sharpton recently moved to New Jersey’s suburbs, and everybody in New Jersey moved to Manhatten.

Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here!

SNL Transcripts

Twin Peaks

Dale Cooper…..Kyle MacLachlan
Sheriff Truman…..Kevin Nealon
Leo…..Chris Farley
Deputy Andy Brennan…..Conan O’Brien
Leland Palmer…..Phil Hartman
Audrey Horne…..Victoria Jackson
Nadine Hurley…..Jan Hooks
Log Lady…..Jan Hooks
Backwards-Speaking Little Man…..Mike Myers

[ Music: “Twin Peaks” Theme ]

[ open on interior, Dale Cooper’s hotel room at night ]

Dale Cooper: [ talking into tape recorder ] Diane, 11:31 pm. Just finished washing up and ready for bed. This morning, I showered for nine minutes. Found seventeen hairs; three curly, fourteen straight. I used the Basalm shampoo along with the conditioner courtesy of the hotel and delivering what it promised. A silky manageability. Cotton towel by Field Crest with just the right amount of absorbancy. Consumed fifteen doughnuts today, Diane. All jelly. I’ll be injecting my insulin in four minutes. Diane, slept great last night. Got to find out what kind of sheets these are; not cotton, not rayon, silky. Damn fine sheets. I’m gonna get naked and slide around in them.

[ front door opens, as Sheriff Truman enters ]

Sheriff Truman: Cooper, great news. We found out who killed Laura Palmer. It was Leo. He just confessed.

Dale Cooper: Harry, I’m glad you’re here. Tonight we’re going to go up to One-Eyed Jacks disguised as indians. Hawk said we could borrow his buckskins – you know, the one with the eagle feather.

Sheriff Truman: Cooper, listen. Leo confessed. Leo turned himself in.

Dale Cooper: Well, that’s good news, Harry. Another piece of thepuzzle. It won’t be long now.

Sheriff Truman: No, no, no, no. Leo confessed. He really did, honest. It’s over. We found the murder weapon in the truck. His fingerprints match. We even have a video tape of it. [ pulls videotape out of his pocket ]

[ Music Over: “Laura Palmer’s Theme” ]

Dale Cooper: Harry, in the FBI we’re trained in one very important thing – to look beyond the obvious. Now, this video tape is helpful, but last night I had a dream. In that dream I saw a hairless mouse with a pitchfork singing a song about caves. I surmised these are the same caves at the Packard Saw Mill. Harry, tonight you and I are going to do a little spelunking.

[ the front door bursts open, as a handcuffed Leo enters with Deputy Andy Brennan ]

Leo: I guess you heard. I did it. I’m ready to do my time. Get me a beer!

Dale Cooper: Harry, this certainly puts him high on the list of suspects. See he doesn’t leave town.

[ Music Over: “Laura Palmer’s Theme” ]

Leland Palmer: [ despondent, enters the room ] Special Agent Cooper. I want to thank you for finding the man that killed my daughter Laura. Now that its over, I’m gonna miss you. [ hugs Cooper ] Dance with me. Dance with me. [ holds Cooper’s hands and begins to sway ]

Dale Cooper: Leland, I’m afraid your celebration may be a bitpremature. Laura’s killer is still at large.

Leland Palmer: [ stops dancing ] What? [ sobs and uncontrollably dances with his hands, palms forward and on his head, then exits the room ]

Sheriff Truman: Cooper? Why did you say that? Leland’s just starting to make a recovery.

Dale Cooper: Oh, don’t worry about Leland. His dancing is actually getting quite good.

[ Music Over: “Audrey’s Dance” ]

Audrey Horne: [ enters the room and leans against the wall ] Agent Cooper.

Dale Cooper: Audrey, did you dig up any new leads at the perfumecounter?

Audrey Horne: I quit that job as soon as I found that Leo did it.

Leo: That’s right! I’m the one.

Dale Cooper: [ scolding ] I’m talking to Audrey.

Leo: [ reaches in his pants pocket ] I’ve got pictures, see. [ pulls out his wallet and displays the pictures ] Here’s me about to kill her. Here’s me killing her. Here’s me wrapping her in plastic.

Audrey Horne: [ squeezing between Cooper & Leo ] I just wanted to say goodbye, Agent Cooper. I want you to take this with you. [ hands him a gift ] I just have to finish wrapping it. [ shoves a 5-inch long, red ribbon in her mouth and slowly gobbles it up. Her tongue squirms around in her mouth, then she sticks her tongue out to reveal a tied red bow, which she places on Cooper’s gift. ]

Dale Cooper: Thank you Audrey. [ Audrey exits the room ] Harry, tonight we’ll stake out the graveyard disguised as alter boys.

Sheriff Truman: No, no. No, we won’t, Cooper, and I’ll tell you why – because the crime has been solved already. Leo confessed.

Dale Cooper: Okay, we’ll go to One-Eyed Jacks disguised as Eskimo seal hunters.

Sheriff Truman: No, Cooper.

Dale Cooper: How about Vegas?

Sheriff Truman: No.

Dale Cooper: It’s fun.

Sheriff Truman: Come off it, Cooper.

Dale Cooper: Harry, I’ve got it. [ picks up a rock from the table. ] I’ll throw this rock at the window. If it breaks, Leo is innocent. [ throws the rock at the window, breaking it. ] Leo you’re free to go.

Sheriff Truman: Look, Cooper – I know you have interesting methods, and I don’t blame you for loving your work. But seeing that this crime is solved already, I’d like to move on to an unsolved crime.

Leo: Look! I did it! You think those notes I sent you were a joke?!

Dale Cooper: What notes?

Leo: Those notes right there. [ points to some notes on the table ]

Sheriff Truman: [ picks up the notes and reads them ] “Dear Agent Cooper. I killed Laura Palmer. Signed Leo Johnson.” [ reads next note, as Cooper looks on ] “Dear Agent Cooper. Wondering if you got my first note. Read my killing of Laura Palmer. Signed Leo Johnson.” [ reads next note ] “Dear Agent Cooper. Why no response about me killing Laura Palmer? Are you still on the case? If not, please forward to proper authorities. Yours truly, Leo ‘the murder of Laura Palmer’ Johnson.”

[ Music Over: “Night Life in Twin Peaks” ]

Nadine Hurley: [ rushes in carrying a drape runner ] Agent Cooper. [ grabs his left arm ] I understand you’re returning to Washington? [ Cooper nods yes ] This.. [ points to her drape runner ] This is my silent drape runner. Please see that it gets to the patent office. That is all. [ runs out of the room ]

Sheriff Truman: Cooper, I think I’m going to head off, too.

Dale Cooper: Oh, not yet, Harry. We still haven’t heard from the Log Lady.

Sheriff Truman: Cooper, you’re not going to hear from the Log Lady.

Dale Cooper: Why not?

Sheriff Truman: Well.. because there’s only two women left on”Saturday Night Live”, and we’ve already used them both up.

[ Log Lady rushes into the room carrying her log in her arms ]

Log Lady: [ out of breath ] Hi. My log says Leo did it. That all, I got to go. [ exits room in a rush ]

Dale Cooper: Harry, this town never ceases to amaze me.

Sheriff Truman: Well, you come back and visit any time. [ faces Leo and Andy ] Let’s go, everybody.

[ the three of them start to leave ]

[ Music Over: “Into The Night” ]

Dale Cooper: Well, wait.. maybe.. maybe Leo did kill Laura Palmer.. but we still haven’t figured out who shot me.

Leo: I did! Geez, you saw me!

Sheriff Truman: Come on, lets go, everybody. [ to Cooper ] A good morning to you. [ exits room and closes door ]

[ Music Over: “Twin Peaks” Theme ]

Dale Cooper: [ puts drape runner down, then takes out his miniature tape recorder ] Well, Diane, I guess I’m going to be heading home several months earlier than I planned. [ turns light off ] I suppose I might as well, because for the first time in my life.. here in this beautiful town of Twin Peaks, I feel alone. Hopelessly alone.

[ front door opens, as the Backwards-Speaking Little Man enters ]

Backwards-Speaking Little Man: [ subtitles ] Hello Cooper.

Dale Cooper: Hello, little friend.

Backwards-Speaking Little Man: [ subtitles ] Heard about Leoconfessing, tough break.

Dale Cooper: It’s okay. Say, I thought I might go to the diner for a slice of cherry pie before I leave town.

Backwards-Speaking Little Man: [ subtitles ] Do they have little pies?

Dale Cooper: My friend, I’ve got a feeling they do. [ pats theBackwards-Speaking Little Man on the arm, then heads to the door, where he pauses solemnly ] You know what – on second thought, I think I’ll just call it a night. Is that all right? Nothing personal?

Backwards-Speaking Little Man: [ subtitles ] Sure. No problem.

[ Music Over: “Dance of the Dream Man” ]

[ Backwards-Speaking Little Man begins to dance, as Cooper climbs into bed and cover himself with the sheets ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Sprockets

Dieter…..Mike Myers
Karl-Heinz Shelkar…..Kyle McLachlan

Announcer: Sprockets…Sprockets…West German Television Presents: Sprockets….Mit your host: Dieter.

Dieter: Welcome to Sprockets. Welcome to Sprockets. I am your host, Dieter. First of all I would like to welcome our new affiliates in East Germany who are carrying Sprockets for the first time: LODR – Leipzig Auyste-Deutsch Runfunk. And FKMS – Funzine Karl-Marx-Stadt. Welcome to the Sprockets family. This veek we have a special feature on Sprockets. It is called “Germany’s Most Disturbing Home Videos”.

[Video Overlay: An old man recites: “Germany’s Most Disturbing Home Videos. Ahhhhhhhhh!”]

Dieter: And now I’d like to introduce the man who compiles all the videos for Germany’s Most Disturbing Home Videos. You may know him as the vacky neighbor from Munich TV’s hit comedy “Who Are You to Accuse Me?” Please welcome Karl-Heinz Shelkar. [Karl Heinz enters studio] Welcome to Sprockets Karl-Heinz.

Karl-Heinz: Danka Dieter.

Dieter: Karl Heinz, you are beautiful and angular…and if you were a gas, you’d be inert. How do you go about compiling all of these videos?

Karl-Heinz: Vell Dieter, all of our videos are sent in by ordinary Germans, like you and me. People with video cameras who happen to record the everyday occurrences of the grotesque and the profane.

Dieter: I am so full of anticipation that my genitals have sucked up into my body cavity. Before we begin… before we begin, would you like to touch my Monkey?

Karl-Heinz: I would be honored.

Dieter: Touch him! Love him! Liebe mein affe-mienke! [Karl-Heinz shakes hands with Dieter’s monkey, sitting on a pedestal] Now I am as happy a little girl. Let us see the first video.

[ Videos are shown as described by Karl-Heinz in the next several dialogs ]

Karl-Heinz: The first video was sent in by Colin Hartmen from Dueseldorf. Here is a fat man in a diaper cavorting about in a lawn shprinkler. I guess this proves that old Bavarian saying that a fat man and a shprinkler are soon together.

Dieter: Brilliant. Truly disturbing.

Karl-Heinz: The next disturbing video was sent in by Napoleon Shultz of Breman. In it was see a man distributing leaflets. Another man comes over and read one. Watch what he does. He has kicked the man in the testicles! Look – the pain was so intense he has to vomit.

Dieter: His agony was gorgeous. I need to be slapped.

Karl-Heinz: The next video was sent in by Geurgud Gardner from Baden-baden. Here they have come across the body of a tramp, which in itself is not so disturbing. Until it is turned over to reveal…. ANTS! ANTS! ANTS!

Dieter: Now that’s an ant farm of a different color.

Karl-Heinz: Now this next video was submitted by Wolfie and Kristan Sana from Muenster. It takes places at the Glycofin Gallery in Hanover. Two people…

Dieter: Your setup has become tiresome. Play it! A man and a voman view an installation. Watch what happens. His trousers have fallen down!

Dieter: And now we must vote.

Karl-Heinz: The winner will receive 10,000 marks and a 1990 Chevrolet Geo.

Dieter: Geo. Stylish, sporty, economical. That’s Geo.

Karl-Heinz: Will you vote for Number 1: Fat man in diaper? Number 2: Kicked in the Testicles? Number 3: Ant Face? Or number 4: Trouser gallery?

Dieter: Make your selection.

[Audience votes electronically]

Karl-Heinz: The most disturbing video…is: Trouser Gallery. [The subjects of the Trouser Gallery Video, sitting in the audience are handed an oversized check and car keys]

Dieter: Now’s the time on Sprockets when we dance. [Dieter and Karl-Heinz get up and dance; fellow Germans join them] That’s all the time we have on Sprockets. My guest has been Karl Heinz Shelkar. My name is Dieter…Auf Wiedersehen!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 1

90a: Kyle McLachlan / Sinead O’Connor

All Things Scottish

Stuart Rankin…..Mike Myers
Customer #1…..Kevin Nealon
Customer #2…..Jan Hooks
Angus…..Kyle MacLachlan
Customer #3…..Victoria Jackson

[ Interior, All Things Scottish, day. Fade in on close-up of bag which bears the store’s name. ]

Stuart Rankin: So that’s, eh, one kilt, one Loch Ness Monster, and one bottle of Bell’s Scotch whiskey. That comes to two hundred twenty-two dollars and twenty-seven cents, please.

Customer #1: [ pays Stuart ] There you go. Thank you very much.

Stuart Rankin: Thank you.

Customer #1: Great store, by the way. You just sell Scottish things here?

Stuart Rankin: That’s right! All Things Scottish. Our slogan is, if it’s no’ Scottish, it’s CRAP!

Customer #1: [ nods ] Okay.

Stuart Rankin: Help yourself to a piece of haggis. [ indicates a plate of samples on toothpicks, next to the cash register ]

Customer #1: [ does so ] Thanks very much.

Stuart Rankin: There you go … all righty. Bye-bye now.

Customer #1: Bye-bye. [ exits the store, and hears the “bagpipes” door chime on his way out ]

[ Customer #2 enters the store, and chuckles when she hears the “bagpipes” door chime ]

Stuart Rankin: Welcome to All Things Scottish. If it’s no’ Scottish, it’s CRAP! Can I help you?

Customer #2: Well, yeah, look, it’s a shot in the dark, but I was wondering, do you have these coasters? They’re plaid, and they have Jackie Stewart’s head on them.

Stuart Rankin: Box of six or twelve?

Customer #2: [ suddenly pleased ] Twelve! That’s great.

Stuart Rankin: All righty, there you go. [ places it on the counter ] Seventeen dollars, please.

Customer #2: Seventeen dollars, okay. [ pays him in cash ] Listen, I-I love the way you talk.

Stuart Rankin: Oh, thank you very much.

Customer #2: Yeah. [ giggles ] Okay, thanks a lot. Bye-bye. [ takes her coasters and exits the store ]

Stuart Rankin: Bye-bye.

Customer #2: [ on her way out ] Oh, “It’s a bare breed nicht tinicht”! [ looks unsure if she said it right ]

Stuart Rankin: It sure is. All righty. [ sees her out ]

Customer #2: Oh yeah. Bye.

Stuart Rankin: Bye-bye now.

[ as she leaves, Stuart picks up some books from a box by the entrance and places them on the counter. Angus enters the store. ]

Stuart Rankin: You’re late! Get your kilt on!

Angus: Dad, I’m not wearin’ a stupid kilt!

Stuart Rankin: Oh, you’ll wear it or you’ll get a kick in the face, y’little bastard!!

[ they raise their fists ]

Angus: Dad … we live in America now! No one else wears kilts!

Stuart Rankin: I know no one else wears kilts, but then no one else is Scottish either! You’ll wear it and you’ll like it!!

Angus: I dun’ know …

Stuart Rankin: I’ll kill you, son …

Angus: I dun’ know …

Stuart Rankin: Oh, you’re a dead man now, ya bastard!

Angus: Oh, you make me laugh, wee man!

Stuart Rankin: That’s it! Say goodbye to life!

Angus: Me mum wouldn’a made me wear a stupid kilt!

Stuart Rankin: [ lets down his guard and tears up ] Oh, don’t bring up yer mother! No fair, bastard! I LOVE YOU!

[ they have a tender moment as they hug each other ]

Stuart Rankin: I love you! It herts! It HERTS!

Angus: I’m sorry. I’ll wear the kilt. [ goes in the back of the store ]

Stuart Rankin: Aww, bringin’ up yer mother like that! Ya know, I just, I get so EMOTIONAL, it herts! All righty, look, we’ve got this shipment of Sean Connery’s, uh, autobiography. Would you mind displaying them please?

[ Angus comes out wearing the kilt ]

Stuart Rankin: And by the way, where were you?

Angus: Golfin’.

Stuart Rankin: Magic!

[ as Customer #3 enters the store, Stuart goes behind the counter, and Angus walks over to greet her ]

Angus: Welcome to All Things Scottish. Me name’s Angus. Can I help yoo?

Customer #3: Sure, Angus, I’d like to get something Scottish for my dad, like a little leprechaun.

Angus: A leprechaun? Well … leprechauns are, in fact, Irish.

Customer #3: Oh … Irish, Scottish, it’s the same thing.

Stuart Rankin: Oh, it’s the same thing, is it?!? [ whips out a map of Europe and points to it ] HAVE A LOOK AT THE MAP!! THERE’S SCOTLAND! THERE’S IRELAND! THERE’S THE BLOODY SEA!! THEY’RE DIFFERENT, NOW GET OUT!! [ chases her out of the store ] GET OUT! GET OUT, MRS. NO-CAN-READ-A-MAP! GET OUUUUUT!! [ fumes ]

Angus: Dad, I hate it when you shout at the customers like that! Besides, she was cute!

Stuart Rankin: Listen t’me, you’ve no’ got time to go galavanting with every cheap dolly girl that comes into this store! Knock on wood! [ taps on Angus’ head ] If anything should happen to me, you’ve gotta take over this store!

Angus: Dad, I don’t want to take over this shop.

Stuart Rankin: What?

Angus: Dad, I said I don’t want to take over this store.

Stuart Rankin: [ solemnly ] You’ve just committed patricide, son.

Angus: Och, Dad, don’t be so dramatic!

Stuart Rankin: Stick me in a long boat! Set it ablaze! Poosh me out to sea!

Angus: Dad, we’ve been in America for ten years! Everything’s so bloody Scottish! We should sell something American!

Stuart Rankin: Oh aye? Like what?

Angus: Pizza.

Stuart Rankin: Pizza? That’s Italian!

Angus: It’s what Americans eat, not blood sausage or suet pie, ya tube! … It’s like all of Scottish cuisine’s based on a dare!

[ tempers rising ]

Stuart Rankin: You’re startin’ to get insulting, son!

Angus: Well, maybe you deserve to be insulted!

Stuart Rankin: Well, maybe you deserve to be put through a plate glass windah!

[ they raise their fists ]

Angus: Shame on you, talkin’ like that! You’d nae’ be talkin’ like that if Mum was aroond!

Stuart Rankin: [ tears up ] Oh, don’t bring up yer mother, bastard! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! [ they hug again ]

Angus: Oh … I love you too! I love you, Dad! [ they pause from hugging ]

Stuart Rankin: I love you, it herts! It HERTS!

Angus: I know it hurts. It hurts me too.

Stuart Rankin: I LOVE YOU!! [ they hug again ]

Angus: I love you! [ they stop hugging and sigh of relief ]

Stuart Rankin: Okay, we’ll add pizza.

Angus: Great, Dad.

Stuart Rankin: “All Things Scottish … and Pizza.” All right, hold on here, just so we’re clear, all right … we serve pizza, you take over the store?

Angus: That’s right.

Stuart Rankin: Magic.

Angus: And I don’t have to wear the kilt.

Stuart Rankin: Oh, you’re a sneaky slimy bastard.

Angus: And you’re a stupid old man!

[ they raise their fists ]

Stuart Rankin: THAT’S IT! Pick a window! Pick a window to go through!

Angus: Oh, look at you! Your wee head’s about to burst like a tomato!

Stuart Rankin: Oh, I’m gonna rip off your head and … spit in yer neck!

Angus: Tell that to Mum!

Stuart Rankin: [ tears up ] Aww, I LOVE YOU!! [ they hug ]

Angus: I love you too!

Stuart Rankin: I LOVE YOU!!

[ applause, as they continue with the tender moment ]

[ fade to black ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts